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Attention Shoppers.

Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about a fictional big box store. Any similarity to real stores or real people. This completely coincidental, and that is why you should not point the price guns at customer heads or at each other's heads. Okay, so now I have a really, really big announcement. It's it's kind of a sad announcement. Yo, I will be leaving the store soon.

They finally fired him.

I knew it.

I knew it. I could see it coming.

Did you get canceled?

No, I'm not canceled, Timbo.

Now, Jerry, is this about how you walked around the store with your fly down for a full day?

No, Liz, that is not what it's about. Any I really don't appreciate that. When you, guys hear I'm leaving, you all assume I've been fired. Okay, the zipper incident was handled by corporate.

We had that hearing.

All of you were allowed to give your testimony, and I was completely exonerated.

Stas lewis nothing we don't say by everything.

By Look, guys, the reason I'm leaving the store is I'm about to be promoted to the regional manager position. It seems that the current regional manager of our district, you know that guy, Don Tower, it looks like he has had a heart attack and he has gone into the hospital.

And oh yeah, all right, is he Okay, he is not dead.

He is not dead, but he could become dead. It's it's unclear right now.

It looks like, given the situation, I will have to step up and take the regional manager position.

Don Tower is.

The greatest guy. He bought like one thousand dollars worth of my girls girl Scout cookies and they were little. He's diabetic.

Don Tower single handedly funded my GoFundMe when I got a hurry up from deadlifting too hard.

He supported me on the pride parade. That was just me and four other guys.

He's the godfather of my kids.

Okay, yeah, you know what Don is great.

There's only three white people's picture in my grandmother's house, JFK, Jesus and Don Tower.

Right, Well, he's a great guy. We can all agree. He's just like such a great guy.

And look, I mean, you know, things change.

You know, it's time for me to step up and become a regional manager in his place.

Probably you'll never take his place.

Well, I'll take his job, though, I'll take his job.

Robert, Well, who's coming in to take your job?

Well, it looks like with a short time we have, I'm gonna have to groom one of you to take my place.

Jerry, don't use the word groom. We've talked about this before.

I'm interested in upward mobility. What sort of like numbers are we talking here? Why are you pulling in?

It's really not something that I'm I'm allowed to divulge. I mean, once you are offering google don't google it. Don't don't google it.

You make one hundred thousand dollars.

A year, you make six figures.

What are you spending your money on?

I uh, well, I have a mortgage.

One hundred k. With them shoes, you are not gonna feel those shoes at don Tower.

I actually am buying new clothes, Arnold. I'm gonna buy an entirely new outfit and some new ties as well. All your ties are fat as hell.

Now I'm gonna get some skinny ties.

I guess I'm just gonna have to think about which of you deserves the store manager position.

And let me tell you.

This, when I am regional manager.

These personal attacks and insults will stop. I am going to be keeping a tight ship for the region and I will brooking no defiance.

Thank you bye.

Did you guys see we just got a new shipment of something in called the Pinkets. It's pants and a blanket like a snuggie for just your lower half.

Well, good lord. People do not take pride in their appearance anymore. When I was young, depression with something you tried to have.

Well, now everyone is just chill axing arnolds. The Senate just got rid of their dress code too. They don't even have to wear suits anymore. They changed it because that John Fetterman guy was showing up in shorts and a hoodie all the time. You know, that's our senator. I mean I voted for him. I voted for him.

John Vettererman doesn't want to wear a suit, and John Vetterman doesn't have to wear a suit, and nobody had the balls to tell him to stop, because he's seven feet tall and looks like a Klingon and probably knows mma or like cah wah whatever it is that Klingons do with those sick double edged swords.

That fool looks like a talking trash can out assessme, Street, do not blame me. I voted for doctor Oz. He might have done some experiments on puppies and sold worthless pills to cancer boys, but he did it looking like a goddamn professional.

I just wish there was a dress code where I couldn't see any of them. I want Ted cruise in a burka, you know what I mean. Want McConnell just to be rolled into the Senate floor in a carpet.

Some of these damn senators you don't know what they're gonna be wearing coming into Congress. Lindsey Graham I know him. I know him and his friends from down in Charleston. Mark my words. He is gonna show up with a ballgag. He's gonna show up with a harness. There's gonna be a little puppy tail stuck in his butt talking about some war on terror.

I would love to see that, actually, Arnold, I would pay to see that. When it comes to Fetterman, though, you have to admit, he's the perfect representative for our state. I mean, if Pennsylvania was a guy, he would definitely be a WWE character wearing jorts and a car heart.

Yeah, what did you expect him to wear?

John Fetterman, Nobody cares about him wearing a suit except for that one big and tall store and Wes ready, that's it.

He was keeping them alive.

And if we're gonna loosen up the dress code, let's make it useful. You know, we should get Mitch McConnell a T shirt that says your name is Mitch McConnell. You are a senator from Kentucky. The year's twenty twenty three. His name is Elame. Maybe make it reverse so that when he looks in the mirror he can read it.

By Oh, sweet heavens Now, he has really gone and done it. He's gone too far this time.

Let me guess, Joe, Joe Biden.

He's letting five hundred thousand Venezuelan immigrants into the country with work permits. Venezuela doesn't even share a border with the US. These are non contiguous foreign workers. God knows, we had enough trouble with Alaska.

Do the Pittsburgh pirates know this? Are Venezuela's like Dominicans, Because if they are, then they definitely have to have five golden Glove shortstops in there, and they not even gonna need fake versatifty.

This is a great idea.

Do you know how many Fogo to Child's we're about to have. It's a Venezuelan restaurant where the meat is unlimited, you know, like like a mimosa, but it's like a bottomless mimosa of meat, like a meat mosa.

Timbo, bless your heart. Fogo to Chow is Brazilian, and honey, there is no meat mosa that is bottomless.

Bazillion, never mind keep them out.

Well, as far as I can see it from my analysis, and I have been analyzing it, you cannot just let all the Venezuelans in, No, honey, you have to take advantage of the crisis and only pick the best and brightest, Like when we were smart and wise enough to steal all those Nazi scientists after World War Two, got Werner von Brown, We got all the good Nazis. We brought them over here. It's time make America great again. They

A couple of years ago, I went six months without finding the job. So it turns out I just need to pop up from another country and be like, hey, I'm hungry.

You better have a problem with it, because you're gonna wake up one day and this bywall is gonna be called el comprobienne because these are the jobs they're coming for.

After what these people have been through, they deserve to take my job. They walk from South America to Texas. Sometimes I get in my car to drive to my mailbox.

Bye bye.

Well so I told him I've been here the whole time.

Oh man, Jerry, can I be real with you for a second, sure, Yeah, yeah, okay.

Like no, homo, but I've always seen you as a.

Mentor, right, Yeah, I have a dad, and my dad is also great, But like you're like way up there, Well.

That's really nice, Timbo. It's yeah, I.

Love being your store dad, and it's gonna take someone really big to replace you. And I feel like I feel like that could be me, and not just because like my muscle to fat ratio is insane, but also like I have some really great ideas if.

You want to, if you want to hear them.

Actually kind of busy right now, so I'm not.

Sure that hi, yo, Lis Robert Timbo's up mm hmmm, Jerry, would you mind if I speak to you in private over here by the dashing cast for just a much Sure?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You look around here. There is a power vacuum in your absence. Look around at the candidates that are possible here. Honey, Let's be real. Liz is a socialist. She does not believe in free commerce. She will turn this place into some damn soup kitchen for the non binary team.

Huh.

Well, look, I love Robert to death. He is a good worker, but he's better at working with his hands, if you know what I mean.

Honey.

Yeah, I'm not even sure I'm allowed to have this conversation, so.

Trust me, whatever you do, do not give this job of store manager to Timbo's okay, that boy has some type of brain damage.

Some of these are good points, so you think probably the person I should give it to is you.

I didn't say it, honey, but just so you know, I was recording this conversation and I did get you pan that on audio, so.

You're recording me again. Listen, Arnold, I really don't appreciate you've done that several times. Please do not report our conversation.

Hey, Jerry, if I can get you to just step over to my laptop here for a second. I have a little bit of info i'd like to share with you, just a quick PowerPoint presentation I whipped up. Wow, I'm pretty proud of myself.

Uh perestional.

Here's the deal, Jerr, women earn eighty two percent of what men earn. Be an ally, Jerry, we need you, Okay.

Okay, Well at it feels like homework.

Next slide, another point. I am the only by Well team lead with a college degree.

Yeah, so that was in wasn't that in art history?

Though?

I'm just I promise you I have what it takes.

Well, thank you for Wait wait.

Jerry, Jerry, the last page is just so like quick collage of pictures of you. I don't want you to miss that part.

Boy, I Liz did a really professional power point.

Everybody, Well, Robert, you.

Have anything you'd like to add? Since I'm here in the break room rapping with.

You getting the low down, don't don't talk like that, okay, Jerry. Look, you don't have to worry about it, man. I've already started managing the store. I got grocery giving out free beers because people buy more when they're drunk. I'm turning the electronics into a VIP section. We have bottle girls.

And bottle girls.

You remember that show Who Supermarket Sweep. Sure.

Yeah, So I just look at a section of the store that's low traffic and I'd be like, hey, for the next fifteen seconds, forty percent off in kitchen wears, and I just watch them go and they go crazy.

It's actually not a bad idea.

Actually, I mean, I'm not sure about the bottle service VIP.

Room, but Jerry, I just stepped outside over in the meat section. There was a baby out there sucking on a Miller highlight.

There was just so y'all know that that baby came in with that beer.

Bye bye.

I can't believe Jerry is going to leave the store. It's an end of an ear.

You worked here for two more.

Two months could be an era.

Robert Well, it is very sad when any leader has to step down, leasten Rupert Murdoch. He's stepping down as the head of Fox News. He did so much to help this country so much. Who would have ever thought that an Australian would be our greatest living American ninety two years old?

Is this important?

To white people like, are y'all gonna argue about which Fox News was better pre and post Murdoch? Is this like y'all version of like the two aunt vivs on Fresh Prince.

Robert original aunt VIVI is obviously clearly superior.

I'm og yeah, thank you, Yeah.

I don't think this is the same thing. I would have loved to have been there when Rupert Murdock stepped down, just so I could have pushed him down the rest of the steps.

He retired from Fox News, but I bet he didn't retire from racism. His Venezuelan home nurses are about to be very upset.

Well, that is curious timing, isn't it If they brought four hundred and seventy thousand over just right now to take care of Rupert Murdoch.

I don't think it's curious at all, Arnold. I think if you start connecting the do you will see that whenever we let people in from another country, someone in the head of the media steps down mysteriously, or dies mysteriously, or passes the company off to their son mysteriously.

I swear to God, Timbo, your mama dropped you on your head.

I blame science for him even lasting this long. Without blood transfusions and groundbreaking heart treatments, that demonic bag of bones would have turned to ash ages ago.

Well, say what you want about Fox News, Liz. You can talk and talk and talk, but it has the highest ratings of any network on television. And honey, how can something that is successful be bad? I'll say this his shthead Sons better not mess up my Fox News. That is my favorite program. It's just like the Applebee's by my house when they came under new management. Let me tell you, those sizzling faitas do not shimmer the way they used to.

Oh okay, I get it now.

This is like all the shows on HBO with the family fighting for control exactly.

Rob and I feel like he just watched an episode of Succession where his character dies on the toilet from a stress heart attack and was like, I'm just gonna give it to Kendall.

I feel like we should, though, give mad props to Murdoch. I mean, he mean one of the most successful companies of all time, so successful that women wanted to come work for him even though they knew it meant Bill O'Reilly would touch their butts.

That is my one complaint. Rupert would always pick the beautiful, glamorous women to be on Fox News, but then he sat him down next to some gray, lumpy, old potato of a man. No wonder, there's no gay Republicans. You drove them all off. Would it hurt so much to put Ashton Koocher in front of a camera and give him some premium conservative content. I don't know if it would move the needle, but honey, it would sure move my needle.

Bye.

Ugh. My estranged husband, Jamethy keeps calling me. I do not have the emotional bandwidth to support him.

Today, and divorce is hard.

We're just separated. We've been separated for five years, so things could work out. But I'm also allowed to, you know, do what I want during the separation, just in case that's information you need to know to mow. But I do feel like I need a girls' night like Sophie Turner and Taylor Swift style.

Oh you mean how Sophie Turner divorced Joe Jonas and it's suing to have their kids return to England. But then she went out for a night on the town with Taylor Swift, who was also Joe Jonas's ex, Robert what I like Game of Thrones, sands the start, that's my queen in the North.

Let this be a lesson to men. If you divorce a woman, she will get together with your ex so they can both shit talk how small your dick is. And if one of those exes is Taylor Swift, it's gonna be on CNN.

I really feel sorry for Joe.

His ex is talking shit about him with his other ex and one of them could write a number one song about it and then get the other one to act in the video.

That's scary, Liz, I know what you're talking about. Some of these people exes get together exes and they do xes. I know personally there is a Facebook group of everybody who's fucked me in the last twenty years, and all transparency.

Honey.

I'm the moderator of it. I want to see everything that they're saying.

Now.

I don't know who this Sophie Turner is. I don't know her.

Sophie Turner is from Game of Thrones, so you know she's good at intrigue in making alliances with queens. He should just be glad he survived the wedding.

I don't know who this bitch is, but I think straight people would save themselves a lot of trouble if they would stop getting married and just take a bunch of poppers and have foursomes like we do down at Crystal. In my opinion, Taylor Swift looks like somebody took a doll and filled it with milk Arnold.

You better watch what you say. Those swifties will come for you. They will find that Facebook group, they will hack it, and they will become the moderators. And you do not want that.

I'm a proud gay gun owner, and if any of them are gonna come at me, I'm gonna come right back at them.

I think that what happened to the Jonas brothers is that sometimes, like an embryo divides in the womb, but there's not enough testosterone for like three healthy males, and so they come out like the Jonahs brothers.

Oh wait, hold on, no, they're not triplets. Huh.

Well, what they are is fade. And I feel bad for the young people today who think a sexy trio of brothers is these dainty little Jonas boys. When I was young, and yes I was once, we had the Beg's. They were sweaty, they were Australian and they had blow dried hair and real man names like Barry, like Robin and Maurice. My only problem is that when they sang a woman's man, no time to talk, honey, I could have fixed that. I never talk by.

And here it is the call from corporate.

They are going to officially raise me up to regional manager.

Liz.

Would you please put this video call on the TV. Let's go. I want everybody to see this.

When did I become your personal at person? Jerriet can't believe you can't screen share.

Just please just.

Do it, Liz.

All right, Dawn you are you were on the phone.

I sure am.

Hey everybody.

On tower. Great to see y'all.

I just you know, I wanted to just get on the phone and uh and and let you know that I'm feeling so much better, and especially.

You, Jerry, thank you.

It's it's amazing how good I feel.

Well. That is just super great, Don, and I'm super happy.

Wow, we really heard you were like on death's door. Don.

I felt like I was on death door.

I felt like I was having a heart attack, you know, I mean it was it was really going down, and then all of a sudden it became clear it wasn't a heart attack. It was heartburn.

Can you believe it?

How is that?

How was that?

How was that possible?

It turns out that my family is predisposed to a thing called gird g.

E r D.

And you know, look, I've I've felt like I was on door.

I had it all going on.

My chest didn't feel good, my arm was starting to hurt, because you know, it gets into your head and you figure, well, this is this is it?

Yeah, we all thought it was it. We really thought this is it.

You know, I did do for a minute, but you know what the doctor said, I've got to cut back on tomatoes. They're a high acid food and I happen to have a fabulous Italian meal. Too many tomatoes, I guess.

Wow, I'm feeling fine.

The good news is I'm going to be resuming my regional manager duties tomorrow.

Tomorrow. That's so soon. That's so soon.

Wow, back the way things should be.

So Jerry, you just stay right where you are then, right.

Why are you sweating so much?

I'm not. It's kind of a todd in here, Jerry.

I did want to check in on you in particular, because you know you you really did seem to take my illness pretty hard. And I don't know how you got flowers to my house that quickly. Yeah, I appreciated the card, uh that you signed. Uh condolences. Condolences, Yes, yeah, well I I you know, my wife noticed the word, you know, as as she would and and uh, it frightened her and concerned her just a little bit, you know,

Oh my gosh, that's so embarrassing because I did not think that you were dying or I don't know what.

I would not wish you to die.

That's some negative energy.

We had thought that there was a heart attack, but then you leapt straight to the death angle.

Yeah.

You were pacing around in the hallway being like, do you think it's happened yet?

And we said what do you mean what? And you said, never mind. And a lot of these.

Guys are such jokers done they're giving me the business.

They like to bust my balls a little bit.

So everybody everybody stop talking and be quiet except for Don.

Thank you.

You can see that I'm I'm laughing in a in a good natured fashion. I'm just gonna let you get back uh to that uh you know that one store that you're managing, and uh, hey.

On my way out, Robert.

Kid's okay, Bobby.

You're They're gonna be so happy to hear that you're doing better done. The kids love their birthday gifts. I didn't even know they made Lego sense that big.

Well, I can't wait to see him. They're great kids and you're a great dad. So uh carry on. Oh and hey, look, don't tell anybody, certainly not my wife. But there is a big, juicy ripe tomato over here that is just calling my name. And I know what they said, but I can still indulge.

Enjoy that tomato, Don and don't you choke on it. Okay, I'm shutting off the call bye.

We Employees Only is Pretty by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is played by Madison Shepherd.