Late Shift

Attention Shoppers.

Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about a fictional big box store. Any similarity to real stores or real people. It completely coincidental.

Guys, Welcome to the breakthrew and welcome to third shift here in our twenty four hour bye. Well, I have you all on the late shift for the first time tonight. Thanks for stepping up since our usual midnight skeleton crew is down with COVID.

Okay, we're getting time and a half for being here.

Right, Yes, Shila, you're getting time and a half.

I think I'm missing a right to.

It's gonna be just the five of us in the store overnight. It's gonna be like the breakfast club, y'all.

So does that make you the dick bag principle that we all hate?

Does this mean you're buying us breakfast? This is like a breakfast for dinner situation.

Yeah, no, we're not getting breakfast. It's a movie. Anyway. I hope y'all got plenty of sleep. Took a little vitamin D because if you're not used to working the midnight shift, it can really mess with your head a little bit. Okay, you have to be careful.

Yeah, okay, Jerry, I've been partying for thirty six hours straight, so I've gotten plenty of vitamin D.

I don't know how to interpret that wink she gave when she said vitamin D h it means pence my hypothesis was correct.

Okay.

Stakes to night on lois nothing.

We don't save by everything by, so everybody thinks they're prepared for a full night in the store.

I'm gonna drink twice as many diet cokes as I usually do. And Hey, if any of you guys need any help keeping awake tonight, just think about the fact that the Supreme Court is sixty two percent conservative.

And then if you don't want to do that because it's lame, just snort some of this addy I have in my locker.

The Ladyshift says there's a ghost of a dead customer who haunts the ioso. I want to see if I can find the gohot and help him resolve whatever his issues were on Earth. You know, they always got unfinished.

Business, so you're trying to catch a ghost.

Yeah.

I don't really like helping living people, but dead people, I'm all about getting them some peace.

You help the dead customers more than you help the living customers. Oh, I wish that was not true. And now, Victor, you've done this before, so you should be fine.

Yeah, there's no problem for me. I use Leonardo da Vinci's polyphasic sleep process. I take a series of twenty minute naps throughout a twenty four hour period. In fact, I think I'm due for one right about now. Seeing twenty minutes, y'all.

Wow, he is just look, you can't even he is really asleep.

That sounds undhealthy. I think he has like sleep algeria.

Yeah, I think you mean sleep apnea shilah. And there definitely sounds like there's some sort of blocking.

Yeah, he needs a machine. I don't.

It's not a pap smear.

Uh.

I think we actually have some sleep apne machines on discount on I'll seventeen. We should let Victor know about that.

Sometimes I just leave a note on him if you want them to know something.

Oh, that's a good idea. Here, let me write a little note and stick it right here on his forehead. There we go.

You'll get it by well.

Okay, oh my god, this I have to tell you. Timothy Challame and Kylie Jenner are being called a new IT couple for the year.

No, no, no, The new IT couple is Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un. Did you see these two meet up last week? Normally, when two men who can't stop crossing boundaries are in the same room, it's a Chris Dalia podcast.

Honestly, I kind of love it. One powerful evil men meetup.

It's scary, but like in a hot way, like Willem Dafoe would.

Oh yeah, that's a definite wood. I'm just happy they found each other, you know, Putin Kim Jong Own, I know how hard it is to find a guy you can talk about intercontinental ballistic missiles with?

What is dictator? Small talk like like, hey, what kind of art do you like? Giant pictures of yourself?

Me too?

I mean, I know he's evil or whatever, but I gotta be honest. I would hang out with Kim jogguon in a heartbeat. North Korean barbecue has to be next level. I mean, no one makes sure it's perfect, like a chef who serves a rtorust dictator. I read meal as an elimination challenge.

Kim Jong Own and Putin are teaming up this is like the weirdest crossover ever. This is like Skeletor and shred Aer getting together.

I feel bad for whatever double O seven type comes to kill them and then has to hear two boring villain monologues instead of the usual one. Well, it seems like you stumbled into my trap, mister Bond. Well, it seems like you've also stumbled into my trap, mister Bond, arguing over which unnecessarily complicated and slow torture mechanism to throw them in. Well, I brought a slow motion laser. Well I brought a Piranha tank that opens very slowly. Boy, that would be a fly on the wall.

If they wanted to try some sort of like slow torture, they should just listen to Victor talk about old timey weapons.

We should be worried Putin's gone back to his crazy friends. You only do that when you have no one else to turn to and no one else to talk to. If you ever see me with my cousin Harol run Well, I.

Know Harrold, He's helped me out a few times.

You don't want Harold's health.

This is really, though not a good sign for Putin. Like how many ideas had to bomb before you were like, have we tried asking North Korea?

Although it must be cool to see someone in real life that you usually only see him like the Dictator group chat, it's like, oh, you're that tall, so weird.

Kim John Un doesn't fly, so he took his huge bulletproof train that he zips around in over to meet with Putin. Talk about overcompensating.

Oh my god, do you think the train also makes really loud noises like all those divorced dads on motorcycles.

Yeah, this is the one train that you can rev.

Wait a minute, a bulletproof train. Who is he getting to TechEd by Billy the kid? What kind of old ass method of protection is.

That he can't elude surface to air missiles but he can be stopped by on the tracks.

By Okay, guys, don't worry.

I told Jerry there was a night possible loosen cosmetics, so he'll be very busy looking for that mammal.

For a long time.

Shallah. They're not just mammals, they're North America is only negative marsupial. If you frighten them, they'll just open their jaws and play possum. Truly, one of Nature's miracles.

Wow, why is a miracle? Might be so sad and dry?

What wasn't I Liz, I have to tell you something. I met this guy at this party and he was throwing up so much riz.

There is that word again. What does riz mean exactly? Is it charisma? I just can't keep up with all these gen z terms. Annie and Tori have been throwing the word riz around. At first I was concerned because I was like, that sounds like a bodily discharge. But then I also think they make up words just to mess with me. Is scoopy boopda thing?

Liz, You're embarrassing yourself. Okay, look, I'm around enough pubescents on the Magic the Gathering scene to have picked up that RIZ is something I don't have. In fact, they told me that I have reverse riz. I have zero.

Oh my god.

I cannot believe I have to hang out with aging people all day. I feel like Selena Gomez and only murders in the building, except nobody is.

Murdering any of you.

I believe the riz is one of the fellas from the rap ensemble The Blu Tang Clan.

No Victor, that's the Rizza aka Bobby.

Digitals, the Riz, the ghost Man, ghost face.

Listen. I keep telling my kids not to use internet slang because they're probably just appropriating black culture and that's whack.

I just don't like how it sounds. Riz sounds nasty. Is too close to Jiz and Wiz.

Wait, it's actually also incredibly close to Liz. Does Liz have RIZ?

No, let's ask depression.

Anyway, by the time white people learn about slang, it's already too late. You can't use the word once there on it. That's like meeting somebody at their funeral.

It doesn't matter what RIZ means anymore. Now that I've heard three old people say it, I will not be saying that word. This is just like when those old white Republicans ruined Dabby.

I get it. My estranged husband tries to use the same slang my daughters do. It's like, you go, Jamethie. I'm sure all the girls at the college bar think your new Olivia Rodrigo shirt really slaps on your forty three year old man tits.

You know, from another perspective, I have lots of riz. If you're talking about sky Rizzy, the medication I take from mysiasis.

Nothing is everything.

Bye. Oh my god, this is so boring. Nobody comes in during the midnight shift like nothing is happening. I've already recalibrated every single flat screen in electronics. That's got to almost be mourning, right. What time is it?

Twelve thirty We've been here thirty minutes.

Oh my god, Victor.

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Okay, oh man. I don't know about y'all, but I am feeling in it already. How is everyone doing?

Sharp as attack there, Jared. My sleep rhythm keeps me fully alert at every moment of consciousness.

Hey, look at that. Robert's doing an inventory. I see you got some paperwork out here, Robert. Nice work, buddy.

I've been looking through these old reports about customers who died in the store. I'm trying to figure out who the ghost is. I'm thinking is the guy that got trampled to death during the Black Friday?

Said, Oh my god, if only our prices hadn't been so low that day.

Why are you guys so tired? I mean probably because you're like old. Inside. I'm like young and hot. I'm like to dance and at the clubs, so I'm like so awak right now.

Oh, it looks as if Shilah has adopted my polyphasic sleep process.

Shilah, wake up, please? Can you wake up?

Oh?

Well, ps there, Robert. When I woke up from my last polyphasic sleep session, I was covered in notes messages from the beyond. The ghosts are leaving us clues, something masks, something something. I have a feeling that perhaps this spirit met their end in the field of e prey or passiondale. We got ghostly World War One veterans out here.

Hey, maybe when you take your nap, you going into the spiritual realm and you're able to communicate with the undead. Maybe you should take another nap, but see if you get any more correspondence going.

Truly, this sleep method has unseen benefits.

Thank you, Robert.

I will I will enter the world of dreams and see what messages I can bring back from the beyond.

Hey, wait a minute, if everyone is in this break room right now, who who is out there running the store? Oh okay, we forgot to We forgot to run the store. Everybody back out there, Come on, we're the only ones here.

Bye bye, Oh boy, Victor. I bet you want to take a trip to Mexico. Real bad, right now?

Wow, what have you heard? Those charges were dropped?

Oh my god, they're so sketchy. No, I just read that Mexico's Congress just had a bunch of experts come in there and say that aliens could be real. They even showed them alien mummies that they found in Peru.

You know, they just had a hearing about extraterrestrials on the floor of the United States Congress, although they denied my repeated petitions to testify, despite the fact that I have been probed on multiple occasions.

Well, I think we're no different from Mexico. They brought mummies to Congress. We've got Mitch McConnell and Diane Feinstein. We let our mummies make laws.

So minute, alien mummies. That's two monsters in one. What's next? Vampire mermaids as actually sound kind of cool.

Yeah, that sounds frightening and deeply erotic.

I'm sorry.

When crashes in Mexico, it's like all fun and cool and everybody's interested. But when I crashed in Mexico, they make me take a breathalyzer and suspend my passport.

You gotta be really careful when you're accusing someone of being an alien, you could easily be wrong, and then you're just stuck there, awkwardly pulling on the beard of them all. Santa happens every year.

I just hope these aliens stay away. Guys going by movies, they're mostly bad news. You got a better chance of meeting a winner on Christian Tinder than you do in a UFO.

Oh, I didn't know tinderhead a Christian setting.

I love that, really, Shilah, you want to go after guys that are super into Jesus?

Oh, yes, I want to drag them into sin? Hello, passion projects?

Uh? Can you select other pantheons on tender women who are into the gods of Asgard or.

Victor?

Did he just fall asleep talking?

Oh my god? Quick, Robert write another note and put it on his forehead?

What should I say? He thinks? As a World War one goes tell there's.

Extra munitions in one of the boxes of lucky charms, and he has to go through all of them.

How do you spill munitions?

I'm oh, and I don't know what is this math? I hate this?

It's a goals You don't have dispeller perfect?

Bye?

Well, bye.

Well, you know one time when I worked the night shift, I had to throw a man and a woman out of the store for trying to have sex in housewares. I threw them out right away. I didn't silently watch them have sex to completion.

God, who was it? Lauren Bolbert and her date? Do you guys hear about them at Beetlejuice just get into third base. They had to kick her out because she was vaping and letting her date just honk on her pits, Like, what is happening with elected officials in this country?

I don't understand what the big deal is? Okay? So she interrupted a musical. Big deal? I got kicked out of a wedding for getting to second base.

My sister was like, oh, You're ruining my special day and I was like, okay, jealous much vision.

At least you're consistent, Shila, and your sister's not a person who claims that drag shows expose children to sex. Lauren Bobert is out here trying to cancel drag while she's given hj's at an all ages show. She's the one exposing children to sex. In fact, there was a pregnant woman behind her she was exposing them as a fetus hoarding.

It always the way people in power think they can just walk all over us and the rules don't apply to them. But there is one thing that we lowly work in people will not tolerate, and that is messing with beetlejuice. Lauren Bobert, you do well to remember that you say his name with respect, but not three times unless you want, unless you want some chaos to pop off.

Listen. You don't get to hate gay people and then go to musicals. Conservative Christians are only allowed to see Joseph Jesus Christ Superstar and the high school version of Greece where they cut out Rizzo that sense.

Look, though I don't condone her behavior, Okay, I do understand the struggle to get uncontrollably aroused at the sight of a giant sand worm descending upon the recently deceased. So you know I can keep myself in chip.

I mean, we got Marjorie Taylor Green, Lauren Bobert, Matt Gates. The GOP has gone downhill. You used to have to be a member of Skull and Bones to get into the GOP. Now you just have to be freshly fired from chuck e cheese.

Ooh, I qualify, I too spent some time behind the mouse mask, Victor.

There's supposed to be robots. What were you doing in that costume?

One of the robots broke down, so they hired me to play the tambourine in the Rock of Fire Explosion. It's pretty good money and they let me hang out in the ballpit for free.

So she just now got divorced and she's out at musicals grabbing dicks. I bet that dude probably pointed to his dick. It was like it's showtime. And he probably had bad teeth too, just like budleto.

Oh well, by the way, y'all, if you want some lucky charms, I opened like a dozen boxes of these things looking for munitions. I received more messages. It appears I've said something amusing. Perhaps I have rears after all.

Bye, this is my fifth die Coke. I think if I have any more, my kidneys are going to give out.

You need a pig kidney.

I am afraid to ask, But what are you talking about?

Oh yeah, fascinating story. And NYU Hospital transplanted a pig's kidney into a human body and it worked for two months. It's a milestone for animal human transplantation.

This is not okay with me unless they can train the pig to use those little talking buttons that the dogs use on TikTok so that I can hear the pigs clear consent.

I mean, science is always coming up with new and fascinating ways to make me barf. I'm sorry, but the only pig I'm letting inside of me is this financial broker I'm matched with on Christian ten.

There do pig kidneys even work on human food or what I have to bring my own off of slop wherever I go. My tofu already gets me enough stairs as it is.

You know, oh that's what you're eating. I thought that was slow. I feel so much better.

For you, Liz.

I'm gonna outlive you, Shilah.

Yeah, honestly, probably.

Pigs really have terrible look. I mean, their muscles are delicious, they make the best food, their skin makes a perfect football, and now their kidney.

Save our lives.

It's like they made a wish to be the best at everything, but it was one of them asshole genius that gives you what you ask for, but not the way you ask for it, Like Kazam.

I feel like this news is like a real mixed bag for Muslim kidney patients, because the doctor's like, good news, you'll live completely normal life before you suffering all eternity and don them.

I'd be careful if I were these doctors. Pigs can be very sexually aggressive, trust me.

Bye.

Well, okay, guys, Carrie's in the freezer section. I figure we've got at least thirty minutes before he figures out that no one's out there.

So it was nice you e was scary some cracky you could come in here with a gun and hold us up.

Yeah, so many crackheads with guns. And then they're going after Hunter Biden. You know, he just got indicted because he bought a handgun without disclosing he had a drug addiction. Hopefully he comes in though.

He's cute.

Yeah, I know, right for somebody who smokes crack, he looks incredible. Let's open an impeachment and cuiry into his skincare routine because what is that?

Hello?

Wait, hold on, if you're on crack, you're supposed to write that and the gun application. I'm sorry, I think I know if that was something you had to put on it. I got an application right here, Yeah here it is, okay, yeah, see nothing here this Oh my gosh, a little box that says are you on crack? Check yes or no?

Well?

All right, egg on my face.

I guess Victor, you buy guns. I thought you would use like more. I don't know, like World War two.

Oh oh shy, sweet summer child. I use all kind of of black powder, webapons, edged weapons, swords, the katanas of feudal Japan. But this doesn't mean that I don't also dabble in a conventional modern weaponry.

How am I bored and scared at the same time? I hate this conversation.

Wait, let me get this straight. So you can't buy a gun on drugs, but we can sell guns in a pharmacy that's also a liquor store. I got to stand up for my boy Hunter here for a second. His mother and sister died in a car accident. Then later his brother, universally regarded as better than him, died of cancer. He's the last man standing besides the President of the United States. We gotta give this guy a break. I would be on a little bit of crack if I had that much loss in my life.

All I have to say, is it seems as though the hunter has become the hunted.

Wait a minute, is Hunter the only man to have their dick presented to the US Congress? The Republicans showed a picture of his penis in the here and Bill Clinton didn't even get that.

If you don't think that's the first dick pic they're watching behind closed doors, Every closed door Senate subcommittee is a slide show of all kinds of manners of wiener.

So that's why they can never get any laws passed.

Because those clowns in Washington are always ogling slide shows of various dinguses, dongs and what have you. They put it right in front of your face. What is the Washington monument? Robert is very dicky.

I risk my case the irony is people that smoke cracking the guns the most. I mean, have you watched Scarface? Have you watched any of these cocaine movies? Guns are mandatory. What would narcos be if they were just using sling shots?

Well, don't count out the slings as a fine weapon. Why back in ancient room, Charlotte, where are you going by.

There?

You guys? Are you know? I keep walking in here and you're in the break room. Come on, we gotta get out there because he's a what Hey, where is Shilah? I haven't seen Shilah an hour.

I think I saw her an outer war. She was sleeping in a nest of coats. She looked so peaceful. I didn't want to disturb her. Besides, I've been told I shouldn't watch people while they're sleep.

Just a little peak, Okay, Jerry, don't be mad. But I was really bored, and so I started to reorganize all my shelves by color. And once I got started, I couldn't stop. And so now the store is just like one continuous rainbow.

I think it's a more intuitive layout personally. I mean, as long as you know the precise color the item you're looking for, it's a win.

Thank you.

There, Yeah, I met the ghost. He is thin like a skeleton. He's got this long, greasy hair, and he's covered in blood.

Robert, that is Albert. He's a regular customer. He's just the type of person who shops at four am. He's a hemophilia.

Oh okay, I was wondering why he bought a red bull and a bag of fians.

We are all losing our minds. It's no use. We need sleep. Someone get the manager and tell them we've got to close the store a couple hours so we can take a nap.

You're the manager.

Ah, I'm losing my grip on my own identity. Everything feels like a simulation victory. Is this your face or is it just a mask?

Uh?

It's a mask. Yeah, my World War One ghost advised me to put it on. It can't be too careful.

Yes, the sun is out. The morning shift is here. It's over. I feel so well rusted. I haven't slept this on month.

Oh my god, the morning shift is here. Oh thank god. I have new respect for the midnight shift. I just think, y'all, we only have to do this three or four more nights until the midnight shift recovers from COVID. I will see you all tomorrow at midnight.

You see us as you want to see us, in the simplest terms and with the most convenient definitions. But what we found is that each of us is a brain and an athlete, a basket case of princess Victor.

Are you doing the monologue from the end of the Breakfast Club.

I love the Breakfast Club. I was Ali, sheety every year for Halloween for like a decade.

I mean that makeover, That is a travesty.

She was better before, agreed, Victor, You and I today are we falling in love?

You know what? I'm taking all of you for breakfast? After all, Let's go to Denny's.

Hell Yeah, thanks, Jerry.

No, you're paying for your own breakfast, but I'm taking you. We can take my car.

Agree.

Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Farnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazer, Caarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is played by