Harassment Video

Attention Shoppers.

Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about an official big box store. Any similarity to real stores or real people is completely cool incidental.

So it's okay for customers to ride a Rascal scooter in the store, but it's not okay for them to write a moped in the store. So next time that happens, don't take a video. Just ask them to drive the moped out of the store, okay. So most important announcement is that there's been an anonymous complaint filed with corporate And I'm sorry to say this, y'all, but that means that I have to show the sexual harassment video again.

Good god, wait is it, Alista Jennine? I do like that one who narked.

Listen, yeh.

You know how it always seems like there are only five of us in this breakroom talking at any one time.

Well there are, they're people in here, and.

Apparently one of them heard something that they didn't lack.

This is ridiculous. As a woman, we've suffered so much harassment that we are actually entitled to harass as much as we want without consequences. Like watch this, Hey, Mike, your ass looks great in those genes, baby, see, no problem.

Stakes too, right on, lewis nothing we don't say by everything by.

Honey, I don't see why I have to watch this damn video. I'm completely innocent, Arnold.

Almost every comment that comes out of your mouth ends with a reference to anal.

Sex mm hmmmm.

This is just another example of the PC police trying to penetrate our lives with their politics, and Honey, they are not using lou Yeah, okay, I see what you mean, but it was classy.

Well, Jerry, I want you to know that I never harass anyone at work.

Okay.

I do all my harassment after hours at the local bar or the post office. When I'm at work, I practice the opposite of sexual harassment. You know, Hey, Liz, there is nothing about you that I find attractive.

I wish you would wear more clothing.

How's that? I don't know? That still feels like harassment in some way?

That feels right to me, though, Oh.

My god, you guys are also old and problematic. Okay, my generation actually cares about harassment, and we don't think it's stupid to learn about.

Its Timesheeta, I'm gonna tell you again you can't wear sweatpants that say get some on the bottom.

When you're called sex positivity. Jerry, I'm letting the world know I'm not ashamed that I'm getting some of that good good. This place is like a prison money.

Where can I get some of them? In a double X?

Man? I'll send you the link, all right?

Can we just stop before we get some more complaints. Look, we all have to watch this video, so I'll see you back here in a little while.

To get it done by Shilah. You see that last Republican debate.

No nobody did. Nobody watches debates.

Yeah, and now Fox News is making some kind of weird play where they run a debate between DeSantis and California's governor Gavin Newsom. He's not even running for president. Why why are they talking? We're just trying to have some kind of like ultra right ultra left SmackDown on Fox News.

I don't know why, but I'm gonna watch it.

I love it. I'm drawn to it like a moth. In fact, I'm gonna turn it.

On right now.

I just gotta get a little bit. I just want a little bit right now.

Men will literally stage a national debate to talk rather than going to therapy.

Yeah, this debate has no consequences, So what guys, No debate has consequences.

Nobody ever watches a debate and goes, oh hmm, oh, you.

Know what, I guess I'll change my vote from Republican.

To Democrat because they made such a compelling point.

Well, it's all for show, and just everybody knows, Ronda Santis ain't got a batshit chance in hell. It's gonna be Trump, my boy, because Trump won't debate him. So he's got a debate somebody. He's got to pick some random asshole from California. If this doesn't work, maybe he can set up a debate with Mayor mccheese or Captain Crunk.

I like Gavin Newsom, but no one's gonna vote for a guy who looks like they guessed it on sex in the City and they were a dick to Samantha.

You can keep hating on Gavin Newsom, but like Gavin Newsom's ex wife hates him so much she's now engaged to Donald Trump Junior. Anyone who inspires that level of revenge has to have something going on. You know, I'm just saying I think he puts the d N Democrat gets up.

You know what, I think DeSantis rocks. I think he's cool. I love how he ships all his immigrants to California. Teach those Liberals a lesson. It's like the time I kept mailing tampons to my bitchy neighbor. Turns out she was just using him because female hydriene projects are really expensive and I was providing a service.

But you know, it felt good at the moment, felt real good.

Now I am a card carrying Conservative, but I will watch Gavin Newsom do anything.

That man is sexy.

He looks like the hot millionaire who tries to shut down a summer camp in a family film. I'll tell you what, if I ever got that man alone, I'd have him trusted naked on a bed of herbs, like one of those French laundry chickens he likes so much.

Also, he's tall. He should do something that takes advantage of his height, like you know, he should just challenge dissentis to a volleyball game or something. I'd love to see him just spike it on that little torp.

I think the real debate would be Gavin Newsome and Gavin McGinnis.

Now that would be fireworks.

Oh he's weird. He's weird. That's too far for me. Wait what he's talking about that? Damn proud boy.

He looks like an advertisement for mustache wax.

I just didn't know we would ever find the edge of Arnold. I never thought we would get to too far for you.

And well, no, he's not too far right.

I think in some ways he's a little bit too progressive for my taste. But I just don't like the way he looks. Gavin mcginni's looking like some dapper dan Man fool.

He does look too much like a Republican mixologist.

Yeah, like a white nationalist mixologist. Every drink is a white Russian.

I see right through Ron de Santis.

He's going after Disney for all the wrong reasons, saying that it's too gay at Disney World.

Does Disney World still have Pleasure Island? I used to really let loose there back in college.

I don't know if they have it in the park, honey, but just outside of it in Orlando, there's a motel called Pleasure Island.

And let me tell you.

You could get stuck there. You could spend the night there and turn into a donkey. I'll tell you what. DeSantis might pose like he's the second coming of Trump, but he is dumb.

What kind of fool.

Would sit down in public and try to say, Hey, now we're gonna make the Republican Party anti gay. What a stupid thing to do. You can't do a Republican party without us gays?

What do you?

All of their outfits are terrible. There obviously are no gays.

Involved, Tony.

You never saw how crisp and handsome Ronald Reagan looked. He sat over there and across from Gorbachev, who looked like somebody broke a pin on his head.

And then Reagan came back looking.

So handsome, just just walking down that jetway, so handsome right there on the tarmac.

Good God, if I'd been there, I.

Would have rolled that stairway away and I would have got I would have let him walk down me to get off that airplane.

You know, I'm not gay, but I feel the same way about Ronald Reagan.

He could use me as a stare by.

What you doing there, Arnold?

I'm doing my scratchers.

You know how I love to play my scratch off pickets just one of the little ways I believe my stress.

Fucking god, damn it to hell. Bullshit didn't win again.

Oh did you guys hear about this guy in Florida who just won like one point six billion dollars on the Mega Millions lottery. I am so jealous. I'd be such a good rich person. I already know how to treat people like shit. Guys.

The lottery is a curse. You guys know that, right.

Our poor people's brain inequipped to handle that kind of cash flow. All right, sixty dollars says that guy's gonna be found in a week from now, face down in a pile of cocaine, next to his pet alligator that he dressed in a custom for a coat.

Well, don't threaten me with a good time, honey.

If and when I win that lottery, none of you will ever see me again. Literally head to toe plastic surgery like that show the Swan. I would go in looking like this lumpy sack of grain that's taken a few poundings in a back alley, and I would come out with the young top body of a twenty year old yoga instructor. I'm gonna be filled with so much silicone I could be used as a life preserver.

Well, if I were to win the lottery, I think i'd take my kids out of the public education system. Last week, their teacher shorted and only fans to raise money for colored pencils.

Oh my god, is that teacher tatas I follow her. She's so creative. But honestly, if I won the lottery, I would buy my mother a house and then I would burn it to the ground and collect all of the insurance money. Because you can never be too rich. It's like never enough.

But in Florida you can actually get all the money at once, or you can do installments, or you can send it to Clarence Thomas in exchange for him eliminating the constitutional right of your choice.

I like that In Florida, you stay anonymous for ninety days. It's like the government gives you a head start, thrown away from all of your shitty friends and family that are gonna be hounding you for money. It's like, wow, Grandma, five dollars on a birthday car, thank you so much. You'll be paying for your glaucoma meds.

If I won the lotto, I would finally devote my time to my band. All right, I'd buy that club downtown Deja Vu, and we'd play.

There every night.

And if we forced everybody to listen to us for an hour before the people they came to see, they're gonna eventually come around to love in us.

And that is the path to success. You force people to enjoy what you enjoy.

If I had one or more billion dollars, first thing I'm gonna do is buy this bye well and burn it down, raise it to the ground, salt the earth, and then over it. I'm gonna put in a giant karaoke gay bar and pay Jerry to dance outside with a sign that's an arrow pointing into two peach butt cheeks. And if he didn't get the choreography right, I'm gonna make him run around the block every time in chaps.

Oh.

I would never do something as wasteful of my time and money and peace of mind is playing the lotto.

All right now, if you excuse me, I gotta go update my fantasy teams.

Bye.

All right, we got it up on the TV.

Liz, you can hit play.

Let's just get through this harassment video as quickly as we can welcome.

To just don't talk by Well sexual harassment training seminar. I'm jinning Garoflo from the nineties. As someone who has been harassed thousands of times in her career, I know about the horrifying depths of depravity that a woman must confront anyway. Over the course of this three hour video, you'll learn to practice courtesy in the workplace.

I forgot it was three hours. What is this, Oppenheimer.

Let's begin by answering this question. Is it ever permissible to make comments of a sexual nature at work?

I'm gonna say yes if you think it will improve them around.

If you answered yes, you're not a good person.

God, come on, I meant it.

If you're talking to other guys about chicks, your bone. If this video doesn't get that, there's nuances.

I know we're only a couple of minutes in, but at this point it's a good idea to check if anyone watching the video has fallen asleep.

Arnold, I'm watching it. I'm watching it, Jerry.

Let me guess it said we're not allowed to pray at work and we should all be vouting for o bomb Ah.

Just try to just try to everybody can we all try to focus Shila off your phone.

Oh my god? Why uh? I can learn more from TikTok and those videos are only thirty seconds long.

Okay, now let's take a look at a hypothetical interaction. Mary is sending a fax when her co worker Steve walks in.

Okay, what the fuck is a fax machine? I need my phone just to google what's going on? Jack?

The sugs so fine. I don't think even Janine can save me with this one.

I gotta go to the bathroom.

I gotta go anywhere else.

I am required to mention that buy Well's three strikes policy means that failure to view this video in its entirety can result in your immediate termination.

Oh I forgot.

Okay, I guess we're just getting a four hours of Janine. That's I can do it.

It's not that bad liberal Hollywood for you.

Might as well just force you to watch Bob's Burgers.

It's a great show, Arnold.

Of course it is for you.

He sells burgers, you sell sandwiches. Arnold. I thought you'd have a lot in common with Bob.

That's the problem with it.

He's always sitting there trying to sew everything up with him two fat kids.

All right, everybody stop talking about Bob's Burgers and watch the sexual harassment video.

Bye bye.

You guys keep complaining about this video, and I keep telling you we should start a union and strike. Joe Biden just visited a bunch of United autoworkers on the picket line in Michigan. He's the first president ever to join a picket line.

Oh so what?

Trump also went to Michigan. He talked to the auto workers.

Yeah, but didn't he visit a non union factory the management invited him. He literally went to go talk to the man. The only work he does these days is making it to all his court.

Dates, Honney, don't rub it in.

We all know the Democrats are just making him parade through all the courts to try to stack the election against him. Can you imagine if they did that to any of the liberals day after day, Federal court, state court, county court, municipal court, traffic court, People's.

Court, and then judge duty on top of it.

People are not giving Biden enough credit for walking the picket line. I mean, when you're eighty, the line to the bathroom is a crab shoot.

So true. Why would you strike when you can just try quiet quitting Like I'm also not working, but I get it chock every week.

Well, I am against striking period. Hating your job is how the system works in this country. Hating your job motivates you to work harder so you can get promoted to management and make other people hate their job.

Oh my god, is that why Jerry sucks? That makes so much sense.

Biden's trying to force all these factories to make electric cars. I'm sorry, Joe Biden, but we prefer gasoline. Gasoline lets us drive more than fifty miles before waiting three hours for our car to charge. It also gives us cool Nascar explosions and great relations with Saudi Arabia.

Don't you get it? None of us are gonna have jobs if the country is flooded. All these autoworkers should learn how to build motor boats or those weird breathing tubes they have in Mad Max movies, because that's what we're really gonna need. And I know you've got your jet ski, Rich.

I got jet ski and I got a snorkel, so I am fine, Thank you very much, Liz.

Sounds like fun to me, Rich.

Honey, If that's all you got, it sounds like you're doing your vacations upside down, just dragging yourself underwater upside down, like fucking inspector gadget on vacation.

No, come on, Arnold ijet ski to a place that looks interesting.

Coming up with starfish stacked up on your face.

No, Arnold jet ski away from my family and then I hide inside.

The water with the snorkel so no one can see me.

Well, as crazy as that is, I do agree with you about that. Damn Joe Biden acting like he understands workers. What a croc of shit. The man has never worked today in his life. His middle name is Robinette. Does Robinette sound like somebody who works in a factory?

To you?

Robinette sounds like a piece of mid century Scandinavian Frenich. He's right here, advertised on a murder podcast, and I would like love that in my apartment.

Yeah, it does sound chic and functional. You're right, Arnold. Are you suggesting that Trump knows what it's like to work? The only work that Trump is doing these days is trying to get to all of his court appointments on time.

You think Trump doesn't support auto workers.

Have you seen that man inside a fire truck He's almost as happy as I am when I'm inside a fire truck driver.

Yeah, you know what, Liz, I'm sure Trump would have loved to walk the picket line.

Okay, but you know he has bone spurs. Okay.

The man has to take care of his health, all right. He's the next president of the United States.

Will It's those picket lines. That's how the left bamboozles you. You're walking around outside some factory, you see congo line full of hot bears and hard hats outside, and you go in to see where the party is. Next thing, you know, you find out they're all straight and married, and you're listening to his speech by Bernie Sander.

I mean, honestly, my only opinion is auto workers need to make cars safer to crash. Like when I've had three mares, I could really use one of those Mario Kart parachutes that sheets out of the back of your car. But also, like just in general, yuck to this whole thing, because who wants to keep their job building cars. I won't even change a tire. I just leave my car for dad and then I call my ZEDI. My dad might not be in the picture, but a retired contractor named Keith This yes, gets up.

Why can't I have a zombie?

I'd love to have his zombie pick me up on the side of the road and have sex with me.

Thank you, zombie, bye way.

Oh oh, look at this end of an era. Hey, Liz, you want to feel old, just read Netflix is getting rid of their DVDs by mail service.

They were still doing that somewhere. Red Box is like, yes, now we've got the dementia market all to ourselves.

Okay, I give up. What is a DVD? Is it something you use with a fax machine?

Well, this sucks. I'm still on the DVD by mail plane. In fact, I just upgraded from the Baes by mail plan.

They snatched it away from you, and they snatch it again.

You know, I do miss Blockbuster. There was a limited selection. Once you picked something that was it, it didn't matter if you didn't like it, that's your weekend. It really helped prepare me for marriage.

Well, honey, I was a diehard Blockbuster man. Over here, hanging out near the shelf where they kept the top gun tapes was a real great way to meet closeted dance.

Love them. They never overstayed. They always had to leave to pick up their kids.

DVDs are over all right.

Modern kids will never know the terror of watching your mom reach for that Father of the Bride DVD case where you hid Big Asian Butts three.

No, you're right, Rich, I only do the latest tech. I watch all of my streaming on my VR helmet. I've walked through like three screen doors and two windows, but like, it's so worth it. I really feel like I'm on f Boy Islands.

Can you get Big Asian Butts three on the VR headset?

It's like the latest, it has everything.

Okay, cool?

Guess the only thing I'll be mailing in now or my Colo guard stool samples. It's gonna be a sad day now at the post office every Tuesday, Arnold.

You're sending in steel samples every week? What is happening?

His ass is going through a lot. I think weekly makes a lot of sense.

That's true.

Honestly, I cannot believe you still do Netflix, Arnold. If I saw somebody pulling one of those red envelopes out of their mailbox, I'd be like, are you just recovered from a coma. Do you know what year it is? Who is the president?

You know, Well, you can't trust red Box. They're in bed with Publics and Kroger.

You go down to a red Box, you're just you're giving money straight to Hillary Clinton.

No, you know what, they're definitely not getting mission impossible.

Three back.

Time to put it with my bon Jovi tapes from Columbia House and my overdue Goosebumps books.

Well, to tell you the truth, I don't need the whole Netflix thing. I only ever put on The Muppet Show. I could just get it on. I guess I like to have on something wholesome in the background when I have a gentleman over at three am and they seem to be disarmed when it's just Gonzo and the rest of him, Gonzo and Kermit hopping around up there, and then you can start wrestling.

Honestly, Arnold, I'd say it's weird, but that sweetish chef really gets me going. It's like, oh my god, he cooks and he's single.

Oh honey, you're telling me Grndy Ferndy, Burndy Derndy.

That's my safe work.

I had a great uncle who sounded like the sweetish chef, but turns out he was just having a stroke.

Bye bye, Hello Elizabeth.

Do you mind if I sit myself at the table of adjoining yours. I will maintain a respectful distance of at least eight feet and I will not look at you.

I agree to your request. Rich Shard Arnold, Do you care to have a conversation that doesn't pertain to politics or sex?

Yes, Liz, that would be okay with me. Well, the rain has been coming down.

That is nice.

I like it when it's wet.

Eh, what Shine, watch a video three hours?

Put that pecker back in your pants.

I mean, I just like it when I can stay inside.

You save that for your wife.

So you know, even though I'm technically not supposed to look into it, I figured out who made the complaints.

It was Mike, Liz.

He really doesn't like it when you compliment his ass.

Wait what you're telling me that I'm the harasser?

Wow?

It's your name, Liz or Lizzo?

Does Mike know that I'm a woman. We can clear this up.

Mike's a reasonable guy.

He said he's willing to rescind the complaint if he gets an apology.

Okay, yeah, okay, sure, Mike. I'm sorry, Ry buddy, it won't happen again.

I appreciate that, Liz. I know you're a woman.

Thank you, Mike.

I appreciate that.

So we shouldn't be in hot water with corporate anymore.

If Mike's gonna rescind the complaint, we can.

All relax now a little bit, just let it all hang out. Does that mean we can expose ourselves.

No, it doesn't.

No, nobody wants to see your droopy balls.

Rich, It's a very funny when my balls come out.

Oh god, damn it, my flies un zipped again. God, I really didn't. I just meant it as a euphemism.

Oh, Rich, you know I have a meaning to tell you. Also, I read an article about a new treatment for men with micro penis. I'm sure you have a Google alert for micro penis, but just in case you missed it, I wanted you to get that article.

Thanks, Liz. You know it's too bad.

There's no treatment for women who have a huge, empty vagina that's deserted and spooky, filled with cobwebs, like a haunted house.

Like I haven't heard that one before.

Oh my god, we just got in a shipment of Spiderspray if you want some for your who Hala is Bye Well.

Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is played by