Disrupt

Attention Shoppers.

Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about an official big box store. Any similarity to real stores or real people is completely coincidental.

Okay, love your hair, are you doing those curls? Or was that like a curly guys?

I just need everybody in the break room to please pay attention.

Okay, I just please.

All right, So we found that missing mannequin. It had just been misplaced out on the loading doc and uh, I want to personally apologize to Victor for accusing him of taking it home.

I'm glad it wasn't you, Victor.

In your defense, it could have been me.

Yeah, yeah, you you were the prime suspect.

I often look around the store in search of companions.

Everything.

Oh, follow up there, Jerry, did you talk to corporate about getting me a new mop bucket? The one that I've been using still has a hairline fracture on the side.

No, no, no, not now, Victory, Okay, because I've got a really important announcement, and that is that we are not getting a new shipment of that energy drink disrupt that all the middle schoolers love. It says here in this memo. It's it's sale has been suspended pending a legal ruling by the FDA.

I don't know.

Luckily, we still have plenty of it in the store because all those eighth graders they come in here after school to buy it, and if they don't get there fixed, they are gonna set this place on fire.

Guys, what is that swarping sound?

Oh? Yeah, no, we are all drinking Disrupt. You have to suck it through this special nozzle. It's patented. Actually they call it the squeeze. Disrupt isn't just a drink, though, It's more of an experience.

Yeah, I mean, Jerry, it's the world's only energy drink slash game fuel slash meal replacement.

People spend so much time like eating food when you could just disrupt that cycle with Disrupt.

And it comes in like three flavors money, hustle, and bright.

Actually it's the same flavor, just different colors.

Yeah, puzzle and grind taste similar to similar.

Okay, wait, we're running out of this stuff and y'all just drank a case of it.

How much is left?

Okay, listen, I want every bottle that is left rocked to me. Okay, we need to establish a one bottle per customer policy or those twins are gonna riot and uh before we open the store? Can I try a bottle because it looks it's kind of a fun looking I'd like to have a little sip.

Okay, see the squeeze and then this nozzle.

Ow, it hurts a little bit.

You got to bite?

Yeah, I like it. It does burn.

By Oh mercy?

Okay, Victor, go ahead, tell us what's so dang amusing?

Well?

Did you see the actor Timothy Shallo May was spotted kissing and canoodling with Kylie Jenner at a Beyonce concert?

Victor, are you trying to make small talk again?

Yes? I was told to try to initiate conversations about fun current events. I'm on a sort of a small talk reddit for uhim.

Oh okay, it's not working, But good try, Victor, good try.

But is it not interesting that Timothy Shallomet was spotted kissing and canoodling with Kylie Jenner at a Beyonce concert?

Is he really hot or is he not? Because Kylie has a makeup line right, because like maybe she can draw some muscles on him, because without a shirt, he's Charlie Brown's Christmas tree I don't think he could pick up the bar that we put weight on to work out by some girls forget about it. I mean like Tibby Alice raises me put him against the wall and say move your toes up and down. I think we're maxing out at like three reps.

Is he hot?

You have to tell me if you think I don't understand.

H No, I don't think he is hot. I'm more into a guy with like muscles and like facial hair and tattoos and the same age as my dad and maybe like a scar from where he was dad three.

Out of five?

Which three?

How old is your dad?

I don't know.

He left before he could tell you his age.

Yeah, it's like so tragic. This is good small talk. Victure does a second you fall in love with the Kardashian Your mind starts to unravel, and I am here for it. I can't wait to see what happens. Is Timothy going to show up to the like Oscars wearing a maga hat? Oh also have a site note. I think that's why Pete Davidson made it out fine, because he was already unraveled.

I like his sad eyes. It also sort of makes sense when you think about the concept of celebrity. Beyonce is the Queen Bee, and she rules over all the lesser celebrity drones like Kylie Jenner and Timothay shallow Mate, whipping them into a mating frenzy so that they can produce a master race of celebrity uber minch to rule us all.

They need one of those.

You'll have a couple names, but it's like hard because Timilli sounds like something rednecks named their daughters, and Kylothe sounds like a colon medication. No, trust me, listen, try Kylothy to solve all of your colon health issues. Right, it's so spooky.

Wait does it work though?

What's going on with your colon? Timbo?

Nothing? It's fine, what's going on with yours?

Kylie Jenner's a billionaire and she's entitled to the same anorrectic movie star arm candy as any male billionaire. That's feminism. I wish Liz was here to back me up on that one.

The name is confusing and his brand is confusing. Is he like a beta little cockboy or is he like an alpha babe player who spits game? Is constantly macin on like the most number ten out of ten women in the game. It's so confused. What is a man supposed to be? Someone tell me now.

Timba, just schedule push ups. You need to calm down and your necker like me.

There were these pics of Timothy smoking. It's like finding out your baby brother is smoking. You're hanging out with the wrong crowd, Timothy. This new girl is teaching you bad habits. You need to focus on your studies.

Anyone see that Timothay shallowy movie Bones and All, where he's like a cannibal eats human flesh. Well, if I were him, I make sure that she didn't see it at this meet cute stage in their relationship. I once let a perspective girlfriend see me at a competitive eating contest, and that was a deal breaker.

What date was this?

There was a there was a young woman checking out at Home Goods, and while she was waiting in line, I started a conversation and showed her a video of me at a competitive eating contest on my phone. She checked out and I never saw the fair damsel again.

My worldview almost erupted for a second, but it's better now.

It was a nice date, though, y'all need to give Kylie a break. I would be so happy to have those seats at our Beyonce concert. I would have met out with Rudy Giuliani.

Bye.

Oh, my feet are killing me.

Oh yeah, my dogs are barking as well, say Marcia. If you see this latest news from the Ukraine.

God damn it, Victor. Quit bringing up Ukraine as small talk. It's not good small talk.

Okay, well, you're so right, you're so right. Yeah. So, apparently, according to this new biography, Elon Musk had a satellite network deactivated to prevent a Ukrainian drone attack on Russia. I mean, this book claims that Musk did it because he thought he was preventing a nuclear conflict.

Oh my god, Russia needs to do something new, like, I don't know, invade somebody, maybe one of the Koreas, just to stay like fresh and buzzy.

You know.

Elon Musk is good at turning things off. That makes me drier than an asphalt after street cleaning.

I'm kinda team Husky Musky on this one. Really, yes, Okay, if you're a bagillionaire, you should be allowed to hit whatever buttons you want and then like cause a war. That's the entire point of being rich. That makes it fun. Real human lives like they're an app game on your phone. When I play the SIMS, I drowned everybody.

Okay, Elon is a genius. So he's playing two dimensional chess and we don't even know what's going on in his head. Okay, he was the first man to come up with the idea of trying to own outer space. We look up there and we think that's space. That's for everyone. He thinks, no, that's for me.

Okay, did he say that on Joe Rogan or something.

I can't help but notice that he said two dimensional chess. Yeah, that's right, flat chess.

We're out here trying to play one dimensional chess and he's playing two dimensional chess.

Oh my god, stop talking about dimensions. It's making me drier than Mercia.

I think that the satellite just accidentally exploded or something. And now he's just making the story up because he'd rather be thought of as a Bond villain than a total dumb ass.

Elon satellite do not explode unless he wants them to explode, which maybe sometimes he does. Because he's playing two dimensional chess and you can't even see next.

Movie, right, you'd only be able to see it if you were right above it.

People always say like, oh, one person shouldn't have all that power. But let me explain something. There are wolves and there are sheep, okay, and Elon is a wolf, but he's a good wolf. So Ukraine is a sheep and Elon is a wolf and Russia okay, so there's two wolves, right. Russia is a wolf and Elon is the other wolf, and they're both like, these are my sheep. And then Ukraine's like, no, hold on, actually though, we bought weapons, so now we're a wolf. So there's three wolves.

I'm gonna go over by the whiteboard and try to work this out.

Look it up. There's data to support all of this. Just google it, oh, think for yourself and find it on the internet.

Yeah, because I mean, we're sheep, right, No.

Inside of every one of us, it's three wolves that have eaten the sheep that was there.

But how many of the wolves are in sheep's clothing?

By by w.

And that's also a great place to hide merchandise that you've stolen from your job. Thank you so much for watching. Please like and subscribe.

Okay, shy la, See you are your influencer. Tip, okay, girl, get it.

Yes, obviously with this body, I'm also an influencer. But here's the thing. You gotta be careful the way you do that, because influencer very quickly becomes something else, like that influencer Danielle Miller who just got five years in prison. Her rand was like luxury, but she funded the whole thing by stealing people's identities and taking out COVID loans in their name, and then she used that money on

Dang, oh my god. How could you steal someone's identity? No, like, seriously, how could you do it? I really want to try that.

I mean, she took out special COVID assistance loans for businesses and then use them to pay for a luxury apartment.

Way.

I say, there were only two flaws in those other was perfect plan one highly illegal, two blatantly displayed on Instagram for all to see. You must be secretive when you work against the machine.

That is so true. If you're gonna steal stuff. You can't put it on Instagram. You have to post it where nobody goes, like Facebook, our LinkedIn. I mean this fur coat I lifted. I've only ever warned it in my profile pick for classmates dot Com.

To be an influencer is to be the apex of humanity. Okay, they're a rare breed. They're alpha humans and the laws of regular humans don't apply to them, and they should really only be tried in the court of other influencers because those are their only peers. So if Addison Ray and Logan Paul say you're guilty, then the High Council has spoken and your followers must be revoked.

I just support anything she does. Okay, this, that's just seriously, my queen. She had to pretend to be like ten different people, create fake ideas for all of them, apply for loans in their name, and she still picks like the perfect filter that exactly matched her outfit. Okay, if she was a man, she would be in the White House because she isn't.

Nailing it truly, so it's quite a bit of talent. I mean, she wasted tax payer money on an excessively lavish lifestyle, but ultimately the only difference between her and a US senator is that she has more sway with voters. I'm talking about these clowns in Washington.

You know, you know we got it.

These bozos in the capital. Oh, I love, I love giving them a little roast every now and then.

Pair for your luxury lifestyle with money that's been set aside to help people during COVID. I mean, not only do you deserve five years in prison, girl, you deserve five years of COVID, the new kind that they don't have a dang vaccine for yet.

I don't have a vaccine for any of them.

Yes, sweetie, I work in the pharmacy. I think I know.

Oh no, they have one. They just don't do what you think they did.

What do you think they do? Timbo?

What do you think they do? Marsha?

By damn it, I can't find any more cases of disrupt And those eighth graders are savaging our store in the online customer survey.

Look, they're gonna tank our rating of Jerry.

I gotta have a word with you about that mop bucket.

Look.

And then they're also spamming us the negative comments. I think they're creating fake accounts. Look, this one's called baby Yoda and this one's called pussy Slayer fourteen. That's not a normal handle, damn it. Eighth graders are so good at using the internet. Come on, Victor, we gotta find more disrupt There's there's gotta be a case somewhere in the store.

Come on, man, Okay, hey you got it.

No, I got it. Forty eight pack of Disrupt Crime Flavor, the last one on the loading dot.

That is so perfect.

Oh my god.

With the shortage, I'm gonna be able to charge like fifty dollars a pop for this. We're gonna get wrech. I just have to make sure that this product is pure.

Yeah, test it. This is the real stuff.

Oh my god, Timber, where are your pecks dancing? That's super Just like that's upsetting.

They just do that. I did some electra shock this morning and now I can't really control it.

Oh hi, Marsha, are you guys running a disrupt black market out of the break room? Oh my god?

Maybe yeah? Yeah, Oh my god, y'all, come on, Marsha, be cool. It's like totally fine.

You should be cool for once in your life, marshalling.

Once in my life. Oh oh, you don't think I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool.

If you're real cool, you'd buy a bottle of Disrupt right now.

Let me get one. Then, let me get one. Then you don't think I'm cool, I'm cool. I'll take the bottle of what is this grind? Grindlap, I'll take a.

Grind okay, okay for you and I think Marshall, let's do like fifty.

Three fifty three Okay, I see, I see what this is. Okay, you know what. I'm gonna go ahead and just tell Jerry what y'all are doing here in the break.

But then you're just gonna go ahead and not drink any because he's just gonna sell it to all of our stupid customers.

Okay, you got a point. They are very dumb. I'll be back. I'm gonna go to atm.

Bye Way, Timbo.

Why are you all wet.

Because I work on the loading dock and it's raining outside?

Oh my god, Speaking of rain, did you guys see those videos from Burning Matt It like rained a lot, and then they had to shut down the festival to try and get everybody out. They were like trapped in their cars for eight hours trying to get out hilarious.

Oh damn it. I knew I should have gone this year. There were stranded billionaires out there that could have used my natural alpha hunter skills. I could have caught desert animals to cook for them while they listened to all my good business ideas. I have this idea for a restaurant called Side Hustle, whereas just Side.

So it's sort of like Boston Market, but without the rotisserie Chicken.

It's not like Boston Market because it's just Side.

Okay.

You know, I've read that Chris Rock was there, and imagine you're like in the middle of all this Burning Man stuff and you see Chris Rock. You'd be like, oh, yeah, the drugs are kicking in.

People know you can do drugs in the city too, right, Everyone at Burning Man is like, I want to do shrooms, but I also want it to be complicated.

For no reason, it's interesting that the Burning Man organizers are essentially saying Burning Man is a festival emphasizing self reliance, transgression, spirituality, oneness with the earth. That said, if it rains, we will have to cancel.

I don't know why these people were freaking out. It is page one of every single entrepreneur book I have ever, mostly read Disaster Equals Opportunity. Right, that many disruptors with that much hiahuasca out of the box solutions must have been flying left and right. They're probably like invented weather controlling technology that we will now use to fix climate change. Right on burning Man.

Seriously, though, I have to applaud the naivete that you can burn a giant Wickerman on ancient Native American land while seventy thousand people open their third eye and not incur the wrath of Chaak, the rain god.

I went two years ago. It was so white I started calling it sunburning Man.

Bye.

Well, oh my god, Jerry is such an old ball sack. He was complaining about the way I was dressed. Again. He's like, Sul, you have to talk in your polo to your slacks. I should be able to wear my clothes the way I want.

Absolutely. I mean, what is this China? Yeah? What China is trying to pass a law where they can fine or detain you if you wear clothing with symbols that quote undermine the spirit or hurt the feelings of the Chinese nation.

Yeah, I mean, look, half of my clothes hurt my own feelings. Now I gotta worry about the countries.

Come on, some of you might say this new law is unfair, but to say that is disrespectful to the honest and forthright Chinese leaders who will eventually crush are weak and decaying American nation. They listen through our phones.

I understand not wanting to hurt China steilings. I always use the chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant, but I think dropping food all over their booth ends up being more offensive than just using a fork. You know what I'm saying.

I don't want them taking over Their government is way more oppressive. In the US, you could wear like a tube top and pajama bottom support and you might still win. I mean, that's what I wore when I got out of that traffic ticket.

I think we need that law at Buywell because I find our customer's clothing extremely upsetting. All those tank tops and just so much sunburnt skin. I have nightmares about melanoma. And that's hard for me to say, because like, that's not really a black people thing. That's y'all's culture. And I'm sorry for bringing it into the conversation right now.

No, honestly, thank you. I feel like people aren't talking about my culture enough, so thank you for that. I, for one, welcome a massive corporate takeover and the earned discipline imposed by the Chinese leaders who will finally with the decaying husk of America into shape.

They're always watching, Victor.

I love you, but this is my least favorite part about you. This is an opportunity for us to win the economic war with China. We get tax credits for all women who are rocking yoga pants and bike shorts or anything with like side boob. The more skinned you show, the more you are fighting for your country. And it's hot, and I think we should do it, and I think we should start here, and I think we should start now.

Okay, I guess be the change you want to see in the world.

Okay, does anyone else want to follow Victor's example? Shila, maybe I'll do it too. Look suns out, guns out.

I've never seen that many veins on a human body. Honestly, it's kind of fascinating.

Thank you.

I like constellations, but like meaty and gross.

That's almost the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

Well, that and your hands are all like gnarled from holding all of those weights. I don't think your fingers fully closed.

Oh god, Charlotte, thank you for noticing they do not because they are too swollen.

I'm sorry. Having Prince Charles sausage fingers is not sexy, Timbo.

Okay, I thought it was, so I gotta go, bye way, bye way.

Joe.

Did you see me catch that shoplifter just now?

No, we were hearing the break room. We've been in the breaking this full time.

Sorry, Well it happened and it was awesome. The security guard was like where did you learn moves like that? And I was like, moone time, my guy, Timbo.

They really couldn't use your help to catch that Brazilian murderer who escaped from prison in Philly.

Like that video of him like crab walking vertically up a wall. I can't stop watching it. I'm goad here, I'll play it again. Look, he's such an escape artist. It's like move over, Chriss Angel mind, Frank Matess magic and like, I love magic man.

I wish I was part of that search team as a maintenance man. I know all the nooks and crannies and crevices that people can hide in. In fact, I have occasionally discovered people living in this bywell, half starved and crawling through its walls, clawing their way along beneath the floorboards. Excuse me while I open this storage cupboard that we rarely look into. Oh, I knew my shot that attachment was in here.

Yeah, Victor, you just triggered my fight or fight response.

Prison is the worst thing you could do to somebody. It's like worse than killing them, because at least when you're dead, you don't have fomo.

Like if you can escape prison and then survived for eight days, the law should be that you just get to go free, like hats off, you're gone. The US pedal system concedes that you are a dominant species that cannot be contained by our bars.

Absolutely. I mean, this fell is Brazilian too, so perhaps he was able to leap over that razorwiler using capawera, the South American fighting art that looks like dance.

Here we go, you and capuera.

Victor all dances fighting, even ballet, especially ballet.

Yes, ballet was invented by Louis the fourteenth as part of an elite tactical strike force that could leap and pure a wit to destroy the enemies of the Sun King.

This explains why you were a band from your prom by Oh my god, I've already made twenty five hundred dollars. This is the bust in my life. I'm gonna cool sculpt all of the fat on my forehead. I am so excited. I think you would to both tx my pet.

Yeah, you totally should. And then like after that, are you free? Or like what about after that?

Is that a box of disrupt? I knew it.

I knew you were selling disrupt out of the black market breakroom operation.

I knew it.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry. No, I said you were sweaty earlier. I meant you were glowing. Everything's fine.

It's not what it looks like.

It is what it looks like. There's an empty box of disrupt here. And I actually overheard Shilah talking about making twenty five hundred dollars because I'm standing right there using the coffee machine.

It's not a huge break room.

Victoria is out front of the store in his van and he says he wants to talk to you.

You two are in big trouble.

Stay right there. What the hell does Victor want? Victor, what the your van is full of cases of Disrupt?

How did you do this?

Jerry? I didn't tell you this morning, but I've been stockpiling my underground bunker with Disrupt for years. My subterranean crawl space is simply packed with pallets of this stuff. In the event of an apocalyptic nuclear conflict, Disrupt was going to be my primary source of fluids, Jerry. Because it's a gamer drink, it contains the electrolytes you need for living underground out and it has a shelf life of over seven hundred years. It's one hundred and ten percent preservative Jerry.

Okay, well listen, how much do you want for the whole stash?

Uh?

Well, how's about face value plus the new mop bucket?

Love?

See, Jerry, this is how we play hardball checkmate a Victor.

The mop bucket could be tricky, Okay, you have to fill out a requisition form for new equipment.

I don't even know where those forms are, so.

Well, I suppose it could be tricky getting these palettes back into the store as well.

You drive a hard bargain, Victor, But fine, we will make it happen. Somehow, some way. It is a pleasure doing business with you, my fellow Titan of industry.

It's a pleasure matching wits with you. Sir.

Hey, kids, we have a new shipment of disrupt.

Employees Only. Is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Bronneller. Victor is played by