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Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised podcast about a fictional superstore.

Any similarity to a real store or real people is completely coincidental.

Wow, the back to school sale is savage this year. I just had to break up two women fighting over an Elmo backpack.

Lordie, Liz, you are not just whistling Dixie. I've had to mop up blood several times already.

I mean, girl, these sales really are brutal. It's like the Running of the Karens. Just a sea of John and Kate plus eight Bob's as far as I could see.

You know, when I was a kid, there wasn't all this pressure to have the perfect outfit.

We didn't.

We didn't put pressure like that on children. You know, if you dressed weird, we just.

Beat you up, that's all. And you learn, you learn fast.

Stakes to night on mois nothing.

We don't.

Everything by I have met the enemy and it is stressed out moms.

I don't get it. Really. The sooner we adopt Star Trek like uniforms, the sooner we can move on to important thing.

Back to the Star Trek uniform.

I wish to wear tunics and to enter a virtual dream scape indistinguishable from our real world. Perhaps we live in a simulation ourselves. But lord, I could muse on this for hours.

No matter what sale is happening, Victor brings it back to wearing Star Trek uniforms.

I'm just saying, the most rational form of clothing is the unisex tunic.

Listen.

The back to school aisle is filled with so much crap that nobody needs. Like, why are there easels? There is your kid taking a nude figure drawing class. We have a whole aisle that you could call stuff the district cut funding for.

It's kind of like Christmas, except for all the kids are sad.

These SAPs that come in trying to get their kids brand new laptops for college. I'm like, get the one that's you know, liquid damage resistant, because you know what he's using it for.

You know, when I was their age, I learned everything I needed to know from various GeoCities, websites, and from a nineteenth century edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica. Ask me anything about the state of Rhodesia.

Hey, Darryl, no shoes off in the breakroom.

You're disgusting, all right, everybody? It is paycheck time. I got paychecks for everyone here.

You worked hard for him.

Here you go.

We got one for rib Boy, one for Liz, here you go here everybody payday.

Finally going to get that RBG portrait on my upper thigh.

That's attractive. People will really like that.

Yeah they will.

I heard that Ruth Bader Ginsburg would wear a different lace collar depending on whether she was delivering a descent or not. I like that because that shows that the elites always communicate in the language of symbols and sons.

Victor, didn't we give you a bell so that we would know when you walk in a room?

Yeah?

What happened to the bell, Victor?

I must snake ate it?

Youw so?

I guess if we hear the bell, the python is nearby?

Is correct?

Okay, Hey, Jerry, I just noticed my paycheck says Marta instead of Marcia Marta.

That's uh, that's not your.

Name, Jerry, Jerry, we've been working together for two years. You don't know my name. It's on my name tag, Jerry.

I'm sorry.

There's a lot of there's a lot of employees here, Okay, I got a lot on my plate.

Okay, now this just feels like racist in a kind of like dyslexic. I don't see color kind of way.

No, I'm saying I see the color blue, as in let's blue sky. Some solutions to this, I think that I think I can.

I can make some calls.

I know a couple of people at corporate who might be able to figure out what's going on here.

Fix my paycheck. I'm not leaving today without my name corrected on my paycheck.

Fix it, fix it, I'm gonna fix it. By Oh my god, oh my lord, get off my Instagram. My damn niece is in London, England, and she keeps posting these pictures from Westminster Abbey because they've got an exhibition of the Coronation of King Charles the damn Third. As if we didn't get enough of it on TV, now they got a permanent, damn exhibition that everybody's niece is gonna be posting from for the next three to five years. I love the royal stuff, I love the pageantry. I

Listen, Arnold, if I had to salute a white man, I'd prefer you. I'll just be honest, because every time someone brings up royalty in England, I'm like, is this still happening? Colonizer says what.

Yeah, Like this is why the monarchy doesn't work. We're saying, Hi, I'm seventy three years old and I'm the face of the future of England.

I mean, let's be honest. An old white man who cheated on his wife got a promotion at work.

How's that news, Liz. I've been here longer than any of y'all and I'm still waiting on a promotion. And I am an old white man. And maybe it's because I'm gay, but I will point that out. And yes, I took off a six month sabbatical to go to Fort Lauderdale, but then they reduced my seniority when I came back. Whatever their privilege there was didn't trickle down here.

Well, he's not going to be around for long either. He's seventy three. I mean, in our country, Biden's eighty. How come every guy who controls the free world needs help going to piss.

That's it, honey. He's seventy three years old. Good lord, he's still inheriting things like he's a twenty two year old. He's still getting Christmas cards with one hundred dollars stuff they didn't accept. It's five hundred trillion pounds.

I mean, let's not even talk about this, Camilla. I mean, my queen is black. I gotten be honest. Meghan Markele and Beyonce are my only queens.

Oh well, don't get me started on that. Megan Markle.

What you've got to say about Meghan Markle.

I'm not gonna say that. I'm not going to march in your communist parade, but I will say you can keep Megan Markle for all I care. As long as I get to take Harry to a weekend in Vegas. I'm happy. I've seen the naked pictures. They make you click through some websites you never even heard of, but I've seen them pictures, and whoo lord.

And we know how you like redheads.

That Prince, Harry m hm, I pledge allegiance to that king.

I knew you were a royalist Arnold the day that you first got here, because you brought that little Princess Diana bobblehead with you.

It's still right there. It's right there, next to the microwave.

She just looks at me longingly every time I microwave one of my vegan burritos.

Even the bobblehead knows it was Prince Charles had done it.

Royalty never changes. Megan Markle is just keeping herself safe. I mean, Arnold, you're onto something. First his ex dies in a car accident, then his mother dies of quote old age unquote. None of this seems suspicious. Sea Charles the Third more like Richard the Third. Y'all know Richard the Third.

Yes, I went to high school.

Honey. I'm limping around so much these days. I feel like God damn Richard the Third.

I'm sad that Harry abdicated, though, because we were just two assassinations away from having a USA Network star become the Queen of England.

I was a big Suits fan, by the way, huge Suits fame.

Same.

Oh my gosh, wow, the Suits watch parties. That night, I brought too much hard kombucha.

That was good.

It got me wasted, It got me there.

Those got sloppy.

You know they say that three point eighty eight billion minutes of suits have been streamed on Netflix. You and I are responsible for at least a billion maybe two.

Can't even talk about it.

Bye bye we.

Uh.

Biso's fiance Lauren tweeted that they're giving one hundred million dollars to Hawaii. That's nice and all, but his ex wife, Mackenzie, donated fourteen billion dollars to charitable causes. Any nonprofit can apply for a million dollar grant from her go off.

I love a charitable queen as usual. It's the woman who cares about her community while the man flies around in helicopters sending dick pics to spokesmodels.

Yeah totally. I mean, look, all I know is that he cheated on her, and the only way to menda broken heart is about thirty billion dollars, okay, I mean, why get even when you could get half?

You know, all those organizations are going to have to use Amazon for everything, so they're just putting it right back in Jeff's pockets. Way to think things through, McKenzie.

I mean, I'm actually thinking of applying for one of these Bezos grants. As a side gig, I run a not for profit that teachers capaeira to underprivileged youths. It's a striking martial art developed in Brazil.

Of course, when everybody looks at Victor, they think Brazilian martial.

Arts, your deadliest strikes within something that looks like dance to the untrained eye.

Thirty billion dollars.

Man.

If Jamathie and I ever pull the trigger and get the divorce, you know, we've been separated for five years, but we just can't make it over the finish line. All I'd have to donate of his is his collection of civil war books to the public library.

Jeremy Thee is really coming along in his capeweira training. He's really mastered the ginga, the side to side motion that is the core steff of all capawerra strikes and movements.

It's Jamathee Victor, not Jerramathe, that's not even a name. And yeah, he's been telling our girls about this new ganga move and they do not.

Care, sort of like us, like we don't give a shit about kupueta, but you know we're power to you. Victor, get get your cardio. However you can get your cardio. I personally prefer zumba.

Same girl, are we going this weekend?

Marsha, Oh yeah girl, Oh yeah.

Kles teaching, Kyle's teaching.

I want to go.

We're The sweat is so good.

I love that everybody here hates and Mazon ooh, I love that.

You know what?

I lost my TV remote and Amazon sent another one to my house in two hours. Throw in a six pack now box of frozen white castles for a grand total of thirty bucks. All right, I would stay faithful to Jeff Bezos if he banged my wife and put a video of it on the Prime home page.

Mark because you like Jack Reacher.

Bye.

Oh my god, Liz girl, did you happen to bring a second sandwich in that hemp bag you got over there? I went out to my car to get my lunch and it completely melted into my car seat. My entire car seat now is just plastic in tuna fish. It's horrible.

It's the hottest summer on record, Marsh. I mean, record high temperatures on three continents. Arizona is recording the highest temperature it's ever had. I mean, there's kids in Arizona who've probably never seen an unmelted candy bar. They just think Snickers is a drink, you know.

Uh oh uh oh? Did I hear that Arizona is hot? It's always hot in Arizona.

They should make t shirts saying hottest, hottest temperature on record. They should be proud of it, all right, because it is literally the only thing Arizona has is that it's hot.

But it's record.

Temperatures across the country, across three continents.

Rich, you cannot deny climate change.

Excuse me if I could just I could just get under the sink, my mate, I just want to get under here. You see this bottle of windecks. See with record temperatures like this, Uh, I always keep a secret stash of this blue fruit punch that I put in the Windex bottles there underneath every sink in the entire by. Well, feel free to sneak a sip if you ever want some. I tell you this because you're my friends.

Victor. I literally just replaced that that is actually a Windex.

That's not.

I need to sit down.

Yeah, sit where we can see you.

Now, we gotta get them another bell.

I can't tell when the world is covered in water, if Victor's going to be our king or drown immediately.

It's it's really a toss up.

You guys go on and on about sea levels rising, but all I hear is that buying that jet ski just became practical, all right, and that's a tax right off. Now that's my main mode of transportational work.

But for now you just have a jet ski in Pennsylvania.

Yeah, coolest dude on my block.

And moments like this, fortune favors the prepared. And I already purchased a little acre of land up in northern Canada. So, like I said, you're my friends. If any of you want to sign up to share it with me, I have a document outlining what your daily duties would be, whether it's you know, cultivation of our small vegetable garden, maintenance of the quantcet hut, or rebuilding the human population.

You're going to cultivate a vegetable garden in an uninhabitable part of Canada, Victor.

Well, for now someone's going to have sex with you, Victor.

And we have to sign an NDA if we do.

You've already looked over the paperwork.

Rich Well, I love contracts.

Look, by the time any of us is going to move up there, Northern Quebec is going to be like South Florida exactly.

All right, Complain all you want, because when Vegas is uninhabitable, this town is going to be eighty five degrees all year long, just in time to be the new Vegas.

All of you will be on.

Your knees thanking exon when you can see Adele and Garth Brooks five nights a week.

Bye bye, all right, one more thing, y'all. The softball team lost again this week. Come on, guys, if you signed up for the softball team, you got to put it.

In your calendar.

Jerry, I don't necessarily want people to know where I am at all times. I'll sign up on numerous sign up sheets on the same day just to create contrasting paper trails so you can never tell where I was.

Victor, Don't do that, is what I'm asking. Like, if you sign up for softball, show up.

Okay, I'm moving on, Marcia. I figured out why your paycheck, says Marta. There has been a computer error.

Okay, a computer error. How convenient or perhaps is it that the machines are becoming sentient?

Victor?

This is not an AI thing, and I really don't want to have to talk to you about AI every day that we come to work. So please give me a little space here so I can talk to Marsha.

Okay.

So there's just an additional issue with this, all right, because if I put your name in is Marcia, that will result in you getting two paychecks. You'll get the Marsha paycheck and the Marta paycheck. And we cannot give an employee to paycheck Cherry.

If I don't get my paycheck, I can't pay.

My rent, you know, Marcia, This is why I save money.

Oh yeah, Actually, you know what, man, if I will should start actually saving for my payout for my lawsuit, which I'm definitely gonna win because you are withholding pay for me and that is illegal per the state and the federal government.

All right, there's no need to use the L word.

Okay, I can talk to admin again and I can figure out what's going on.

Maybe they Yeah, I can talk to them again.

Wait, do you guys?

Do you guys hear the bell?

Victor?

You didn't bring your cobra to work, did you?

Oh?

My god? Snake?

Okay, a number one. It's a Burmese python And if you hear the bell, i'd advise you to get up on a chair or a table, although that it won't save you in a long run. It can climb to great heights, both in the jungle and in an urban environment.

Oh my god, Yeah, there is a new Golden Bachelor show. It's a version of The Bachelor where the bachelor is seventy one years old. Talk about old men who need help peeing.

Hello, I'm sorry if I have to burry a seventy one year old, it's Liam neesin or bust, you know what I mean.

He's got a particular set of skills.

And I think one of them is making sure I finish, you know what I'm saying.

Yeah, Wait, wait a second, wait, wait, this guy has to marry who wins? You somehow made it to seventy one with all your money and an empty house with no one nagging you, and now you're gonna throw it all away like a chump on National TV. Why why don't you you do a sequel where you pick which prison you want to live in.

I don't know. I think I'd go on the show as a contestant, mostly because it's like, oh my god, you have a million dollars and you suffer from shortness of breath. Let's get Mary Baby. I want to be like Anna Nicole Smith, but like chocolate.

You know, yeah, and you know he's viril. You know. They say nursing homes are a hotbed of sexual antics, just a bunch of octagenarians having threesomes and foursomes and orgies and whatnot, hand stuff, et cetera. In fact, I saw some videos online that confirmed this research purposes only.

Yeah, I'm sorry, but I can't watch that many pharmaceutical ads in a row. Can you imagine what this one's going to be like? I mean, I'm already at my limit after an hour of MSNBC. I know it's time to shut the DV off ones. I've seen old people kayaking for the fifth time.

I don't really watch reality TV, you know, personally, I get all the sex and romance that I need in one episode of Yellowstone.

God, this is going to be hard to watch. I mean, the reunion special will be more like a wellness check.

I don't understand what people find so weird about being attracted to older men. People are attracted to all types. There are even individuals who are sexually attracted to inanimate objects. Like, say, a really beautiful Chevrolet Lumina that they've had since they were in high school. Sky bloom cloth interior radio that doesn't work quite right. But sometimes it's the imperfections that throw the beauty into the highest relief.

Victor, take a couple of steps back. I can feel your breath on my neck. Back up a little bit by.

Oh, come on, what the fee machine is squirting out water again?

Come on, there's a problem. I didn't put in a I didn't put in a cup. Are we now we're out of cups?

Cheeps?

Hey, wow, do you see this?

All these gen Z kids are using apps to share their location with each other now because we don't. We've we've given enough privacy away to every corporation on the planet. Now we just got to give it away for free to our friends. Good job, gen Z.

I make my.

Daughters share their location with me. I can't have them down by the quarry. You know, nothing good happens down at the quarry.

I actually have several apps on my phone that hide my location. If I call you, by the way, my number looks like it's a pet smart in Richmond, Virginia.

You know what, actually, I think in a relationship. You know, sharing your location is kind of romantic. It's like, here you can find out if I'm cheating on you. That's love, you know.

Yeah, Jamethi's either at his mom's or at Capawera, so I don't really have to track him.

But Rich, why don't you share your location with me?

Because I'd love to avoid it, love to not be wherever that's happening.

No problem, Liz, That's actually one great reason to share your location so I can avoid Liz.

I guess I don't have anybody that cares about me enough to ask me to share my location.

Oh, Victor, you got your snake.

My snake is always in the reinforced pen that I have him in, say when I put him on my air mattress, of course, or drive him to work or wear him to the store.

I'm back, folks. Marcia, here you go one paycheck. You're welcome, You've earned it. I always go to bat for my employees.

Is that what you told me I should have been saving more money?

Well, I mean I always go to bat after my employees threatened a lawsuit. Okay, fair enough, so enjoy that and I'm gonna get back to uh decorating the store.

Oh my god, what what happened?

Is it wrong again?

Oh my god? Okay, yes it's wrong. They fix my name. But my paycheck is for seventeen thousand dollars.

Jerry, I'm going to need a new page.

Jerry, I need to talk to you.

Chris, Elizabeth is.

More Richard.

H Do y'all hear that?

Bill?

Victor by Employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia, produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazer, Caarra Welker, Nathan Kloke, and Jared Logan. Editing by Sujit Arbiwal and Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palisi, Casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink Rich is played by Kurt Broneller. Victor is played by Ross Bryant. Marcia is