Bye Bye BuyWell

Attention Shoppers. Attention Shoppers Employees Only is an improvised comedy podcast about an official big box store. Any similarity to real stores or real people is completely co incidental.

So in the future, please do not take a lot of cash out of the register so you can take photos with it and make it rain. Ah, you know what, who cares? None of this even really matters?

Oh my good, he finally gave up.

What uncharacteristic solemnity from you.

Jer Now, listen, guys. You may know that by Well has been struggling nationwide. There's online shopping inflation, the roving gangs of looters who attack our stores. We've been operating at a loss for a while, and now it looks like the board of directors have decided to sell our real estate portfolio to a big consortium called a mass equity.

So what the hell does that mean? The stora will close and you'll be out of a job. Stakes two right on, lewis nothing.

We don't set everything by right.

Okay, let's get out there on the floor and get to work.

Everybody, everybody, my god, Uh, I can't lose my job. I owe my landlord like ten k and back rent and I've already used the whole of the store I worked for was shut down by a consortium.

Excuse, Oh my god, I can't lose my job. I won't be able to send my daughters to a small for profit liberal arts college where the major in theater and end up working as nannies for fifteen years.

I can't lose my job. I'll have to go back to selling this on the street again. I guess I better start calling my old pimps, say if any of them hadn't opening for a new bitch.

Lord. No, I can't lose my job. My girlfriend in Nigeria needs me to send her ten thousand this month or she'll never be able to reclaim her family estate. And now that I say it out loud, I realize it's a scam.

Okay, Jerry, Now you tell us about how you can't lose your job.

Uh, well, you know, it's kind of a funny story. My contract has what's called a golden parachute clause, which means if Bywell gets bought out, I make somewhere in the area a million dollars. Who cares, right, Okay, let's get out to work and let's.

Cry out Jerry Jerry. This fuck.

You've been a reptillion elite.

You know what.

You all have been making fun.

Of Jerry for years. Well it's Jerry who's laughing now.

Now you're all sorry you weren't nicer to old Jerry.

Quit talking to the third person, Jerry.

Liz, Jerry is rich.

He can afford to talking the third person.

Now, look who landed on boardwalking park place and now he's wearing a top hat.

Rich uncle penny Bags type by.

Ooh, that Trump lawyer Sidney Powell pled guilty to helping Trump try to overturn the election in Georgia. And she's gonna testify. This could really help nail him.

What a day, Liz. You had to start it, didn't you. Why don't you wake up, Elizabeth? Every time Trump commits a so called crime, he posts a tweet about it, and they haven't nailed him yet. You better emotionally prepare yourself Milania to redecorate the White House again. You better do it.

No those bleak ass Christmas trees. I won't have it.

Money. It looked like a grown up version of Fao Schwartz. If you took Christmas and all the teddy bears out of it. That Sydney Powell, she flipped and Kenneth cheesebro too. They went down, They went down, They went down. The big boy hadn't gone down. As long as he is still standing, then we're still good.

Whatever, Arnold, I'm not gonna let you ran on my parade. I cannot wait for these trials to get underwack. Me and the other Facebook resistance moms are already planning our victory party. We're gonna crack open a few bottles of two buck chuck from Trader Joe's Wear are lock them up cardigans and let it rip.

I'm with you, Liz. I mean, all those people did conspire to rig the election, but not for Trump. They did it for the Rosicrucian brotherhood who secretly rules our world behind the shadows.

They only find her six thousand dollars six grand I've had lash extensions that were more expensive than trying to steal an election.

Look, Sidney Powell was compromised from the start. She made Trump look bad with all that talk about you go chab bez and unleashing the crake in. She needs to unleash the cosmetologist on those crazy eyes of hers. She looks like Kathy Bates and misery right before she breaks the ankles with the hammer. It's what she tried to do to my president.

This has got to be a weird case for a probation officer. It's like, hey, have you been hanging out near any polling places? Somebody saw you with a Dominu machine. Sidney. You swore to me you were a clean.

There were irregularities in the voting machines, and all of you damn well know it. That is why I prefer to vote the safe and secure way by writing my vote on a folded scrap of paper and dropping it into a big bowl or a cardboard box with a slot on the top of it. That has worked when every election since kindergarten, all the way up, all the way up through the daytime, bar staff shift and there is no reason to move on past it.

I went to the bathroom once at the Amaco, and there was the wall had a little slot in it, and you were there, Arnold. Was that like a voting booth.

Sounds like lovers were being pulled in some capacity.

Yes, well, that is what you call free and fair elections. You might have seen some hanging Chad's, a few hanging Chad's, Tom's, Billy's.

If I've learned anything from dating older men and being forced to watch Mafia movies, it's when people start to flip, is right when it gets good. We're about to be at the part where Trump runs from helicopters and shoots a mountain full of cocaine with an oozy r.

I'm so on lawyer flipping on him though. It is like the best kind of story. It's like a crossover of my two favorite shows, Law and Order, Criminal Intent and Inside with Jensaki. I mean, you can't get better than this.

I mean, thank god she took a plea, though. If Earth officials imprisoned Sydney Powell, the military response from her home planet would have annihilated us.

All, Victor, you're on another level today, man. What'd you have for breakfast?

Oh? Uh, just some homemade Havelna sausage. The Havelina is a small South Texan desert hog. I butcher them and make my own sausages.

We live in Pennsylvania. Do you bring that meat back from trips to Texas? I'm so confused. Is there a Havelna sausage delivery service?

I just got a guy who drives it up for me. Granted he doesn't have any refrigeration in his automobile, but that's the whole point of sausage, right, it's aged meat. Oh lord, I am seeing things today.

Are these hogs still living and breathing with hair on their backs? Or are you just getting trucks full of strain meat.

I'm not out here HEARDing these hogs around. Yeah, it's a very civilized vehicle full of loose heavelena meat.

Oh lord, I tell you all this talk of a truck full of hog meat and all this cheese flipping, I'm gonna have to get myself back to the meat room, y'all. Excuse me, I'm getting hungry.

Bye.

Well, oh my god, look at this. An NFL marketing exec just made a statement that they had nothing to do with Travis Kelsey dating Taylor Swift. Duh, nobody has power over Taylor. She's more powerful than God. If Taylor told me to kill my firstborn, by the time she told me not to, he would already be dead. Okay, they cut to her like seventeen times during the game. They should just have a separate tailor cam.

Honestly, Yeah, my daughter's Annie and Tory keep me up on all the tailor news, and I think this is definitely an upgrade for her. I mean, you could fit Joe Jonas, John Mayer and Harry Styles into Travis Kelsey's left thigh.

Yes, he's so hot. He can totally put off that weird mustache that makes him look like an undercover hop who's too racist to go undercover.

So hot y'all gabbing about Tay Trav I couldn't help over here. And lord, this couple here is in the media so much it's impossible not to think about them making love, Am I right? I mean we've all imagined it, the way Kelsey's muscles flex against Taylor's supple arms, the rough contact of his beard against her ruby red lips. I was up late last night and I actually did some sketches if y'all want to see.

Oh my god, Victor Whiers, there's squid tensacles. What is this?

I'm sorry, some different sketches.

Excuse me, he's doing his charcoal crackings again.

I've got krackings on the brain, y'all.

Look, I'll say this, Taylor Swift and I might not have much in common, but we both love a good tied end. Whoa I tell you, honey, I was a center back in high school. I still remember how to put them long snaps down on the field. That Travis Kelcey watching the play by play. I'm watching the slow motion playback half back Power thirty six, honey.

Yes, yes, Travis Kelsey dating Taylor Swift has made me love football now. I can't wait for Travis to dunk another ball in the m zones. I just love how he receives and like gifts. It's such a generous part.

I don't think NFL executives had anything to do with putting Travis Kelcey and Taylor Swift together. I mean, the only time executives at the NFL get involved in their players' relationships is when they're trying to beat the allegations.

Honey. You know what they're doing. They're trying to get a new demographic watch in football exactly, so I'm excused to say, oh, girls, watch football. They parade those two out, they might as well have had Taylor Swift come out in the field and fake an injury like half of them do. I'm surprised they haven't brought Barbara streisand out to throw passes to share.

Y'all are very right. They should micro cast to all the different demographics that their sport has not yet reached. I'd watch football more if the national anthem were sung by Gall, the lead singer of the Norwegian black metal band Gorgoroth.

Well, I've got a quick fix if you want ten percent more male viewers of professional football. Is the game that the player shouldn't stop with the tackle. There should be a tackle on the field and then you just see what happens right after it keeps going and going and going. You take a commercial break, and you come back and they're still at it.

See this is what I'm saying. I wish the NFL would try to market to my demographic. I would watch a lot more games if they dressed the players as the armies of famous ancient battles. Tonight, the Steelers will be dressed as the Carthaginians in the Battle of Kna in Bcee. Now that, now that's a throwback Jersey.

I'dwhere you know, every person from Hannibal on down to the lunch boy at the Battle of Kna was gay. Every single one of them was gay.

Every legionary and every member of Hannibal's army, you know, fought to the death and then continue to completion, so to speak.

As I understand it, even Hannibal's elephants were mounting each other.

They mounted the alps and then each other by.

So that guy Bill Chatter from a mass Equity is here today to look at the property. If we can convince him that buy well is a bad investment, a mass might just cancel the purchase. A witch of Sary comes here, comes, he comes.

From Bill, you know who?

You remind me of the best friend I had growing up. You're funny in the same way that he was.

I haven't said a word since I got here. You started talking the minute they walked in the door.

Totally, totally, you know, it's just your general vibe. So so you can set up here in the break room. Can I get you anything? Herbal tea alcohol? I give a great BackRub.

Yeah, yeah, I think I saw a Panera bread on the way into town. Could you go get me a coffee from there?

Well, there is a coffee machine right here, and that Panera is forty five minutes away, but you got it. I'll be back hours from now.

You got that, good job, Jerry.

Okay, let me just sit down here and flip the old laptop, get some work hours in here. Well, he's out of me here. I'm gonna boot this up here. Windows familiar boot screen here, Windows. Okay, we've got to put a password in here, so it's cheddar better forty nine booting up here.

Hi, I'm Shilah. I heard your company is buying this place, and I just thought I should warn you that this is a really bad neighborhood. My cousin was shot and stabbed here. She died a They made one of those like shrines with all of the candles of her, but they used like a really ugly photo. They wouldn't use the one I submitted that had like perfect side boob

Yeah, okay, yeah, I'm sorry for your loss.

Yeah, we know the neighborhood is bad by but he turns over lower cub areas. It's called gentrification. Soon all those crack houses will be pottery barks. Okay, and the little memorials. We're going to incorporate that into some kind of large corporate cement park.

Well sir, hey, hey there, if you're interested in buying this building, I have to tell you I've been doing maintenance here for years and this building has bad bones. And see how the wall gives a little bit when you hit it with this sledge hammer here. Yeah, I figured we're a couple months away from this entire d if it's collapsing and killing hundreds, it is on its last seelings.

Thank you.

Okay, Yeah, we know the building is a pile of shit. We're tearing it down. We just went to land.

I've been doing a little research, and I hope your appraisal of this property is subject to a detailed amortization before you put it into escrow, because the market is very liquid right now and commodities like this aren't likely to yield a capital gain.

Okay, nothing you just said made any sense.

You just struggle a bunch of words together by talking to it chat GPT here.

All right, Listen, they say that prompting the chat GPT is something we're all gonna have to learn to do better. And it was my first time.

Yeah, sure, might be actually a growth market. If you're looking for work, which you're gonna be soon. Listen, I'll suck your dick if you cancel the sale. Tempting, but no, sorry.

I got twenty miles down the road and I realized I forgot to ask if you take milk and sugar or do you prefer Stevia instead? They don't have that at Panera. But I can make an extra stop.

Yeah, you know, stop at another place. Get stop at a local grocer that's gonna last through the year, Get some Stevia separately the checkout asle or whatever, and get me the pen out Panera. You know, Pericameric.

Coffee Stevia from a local grocer. You got it?

Bill, Bye, bye, Oh my god.

Did you guys see Biten flew into Israel without military protection. I'm sorry. The only times I don't use protection is when I'm trying to get an old guy to pay my rent. This is crazy. Wait, didn't he go to Ukraine a couple months ago in the middle of a bombing. It's like he's begging for death to hurry up and take him.

Yeah, I really wish Joe wouldn't take risks like this, like going to Ukraine, going to Israel, walking down long flights of stairs, riding a bike, staying up past eight. He shouldn't be doing this kind of stuff.

Honestly, the same thing happened with my grandma when when she turned eighty we had to take all of the birthday candles off of her cake because she kept trying to light her wig on fire and end it all.

The fact that they sent one of the Biden clones to Israel doesn't impress me. What impresses me is that they aged it up from a baby that quickly. They must have like dozens of hatchlings in a secret facility underneath the Pentagon, just ready to go. I mean, you can tell it's young because every time you see the clone Bidens, they have the speech patterns of a three to four year old.

He was probably just in the Ukraine to get the rest of Hunter Biden's laptop. But if there are any more Hunter's dudes in there, they should be released to America, or at the very least to me. At Arnold Palmham sixty nine at Earthlink.

Dot Nea I mean, I do think we should give an eighty year old man some credit for going into two war zones without military protection. I mean, I know forty year old Republicans who won't even go into Pittsburgh to the Hockey Arena to see Keith Urban.

I don't know. I don't think it's that brave for old people to do dangerous things. What are they risking, like two good Tuesdays.

The US shouldn't be sending eighty year olds into war zones anyhow. That's what we have eighteen year olds for, although we could send like a strike force of eighty year olds to sort of provide a human shield for the rest of the younger force, a specially trained unit of octogenarians.

Y'all. He visited that war zone the way a person on a carnival cruise visits a foreign country. He was there for six damn hours that he's stuck to the gift shops near the boat, you know he did.

Yeah, he definitely came back from Israel with like a magnet.

Oh my god, wait, is that why Joe Biden had his hair and cornrows? I saw that picture going around Twitter. That makes so much sense.

Did you have a shirt that said one tequila, two tequila, three tequila floor.

I definitely saw a pookashell necklace at some point. I just don't get why this couldn't have been a phone call. Old people love phone calls. I just spent fifty minutes on a FaceTime with my mom's forehead.

Biden's about to give himself a series of medals for this, just for going on a little pleasure cup. Save it, please. So many people hate Trump. Everywhere he goes as a war zone, and he wears a bright red target on his head and paints himself orange. Now that is courage, not Joe Biden stumbling around like naked gun.

I myself have never been to a war zone. The most dangerous trip I've taken was a psychedelic journey inside myself, where I gazed into the darkness of my very own soul and cried publicly. During a screening of Madagas Call Her Too Escape to Africa.

That one has the best soundtrack.

I do like to move it, Move it, oh man.

I need a new tub book. You know the books I read while I'm having a bubble bath. Should I get the new Jada Pinkett Smith memoir where she talks about her experiences with ayahuasca, or the new Britney Spears memoir that's read by Michelle Williams because Britney said it would be too heartbreaking to read herself. This is tough, This is tough.

I like Data Pinkett Smith's book. She said she was dealing drugs even when her movie career took off in the eighties.

That's wild.

That's like if I was buying weed from Millie Bobby Brown.

Yeah. I just thumbed through the Jada a little bit and she talks about ayahuasca, but she calls it mother aya, which is pretty much why you don't do ayahuasca.

Honestly, I'm just jealous. It's so hard to find good ayahuasca and Pennsylvania. The closest I got was an expired gatorade. It did make me vomit and love my mom. He though.

Yeah, it's hard to find good Pennsylvania a huasca mostly just a gas station vapes or the closest you can get. But I am interested in that. Jada Pinkett Smith. When I hear she talks about her relationship with Will and their separation, I know I relate it sucks to love someone but not be able to be near them, And that is why I've set up that shrine to Emma Stone in my house. If anyone sees a La La land standee in the loading dock, that's mine.

Oh I tell you. If I ever see the two of them, Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith march themselves here into by Well ever again, then I will make a point to walk out and say something tart and sassy about Jada Pinkett Smith, just so I can get slapped by Will Smith in front of everybody. Jada keeps saying she's trapped in a loveless marriage. Newsflash, honey, Will

Look, it's not Will's fault. She's weird. Okay. This is just the kind of woman you end up with when you get set to live with your uncle in bel Air, even though he was in West Philadelphia, born and raised on the playground, spending most of his days.

I really connect with a lot of what Jada has to say, though you guys. She says, her and will Smith are separated in every way except legally. That's just like me and Jamethie. That's kind of where the similarities end. Jameithee is less Will Smith and more Paul Giamatti. My goal is to read her book and become as zen as she is about life, where I can start calling hookups with other people entanglements.

I also relate a great deal, but that's only because I call my Emma Stone Shrine the red table.

Honey, I have experienced. I used to be a jobber back in the nineteen eighties in local Georgia Resden. And let me tell you something. When I look at Will Smith, I see the same thing as when I looked at Lex Luger or ravishing Rick Rude. That man is straight right until they cut to commercial.

But I'm probably gonna read the Britney one. I am huge in the Free Britney movement. I was virtually protesting for her to get out of her conservatorship.

Oh I'm all about free Brittany. Heck yeah, I hate conservatorships. I won't let the government tell me what to do. That's why I had myself legally declared a religious organization, so I don't have to pay taxes. My body is literally a temple visited by various Latvians annually.

That's so smart. I wish my body could be as Humple, but it's filled with too much Arizona iced tea and cheetos.

Don't count yourself out. I eat a lot of weird things, but I'm still technically a temple to the Latvian pagan goddess of Mara.

Pardon me. But when it comes to Britney Spears, Oops, I didn't care again that bitch. I have had enough of her. If I want to see a middle aged woman dancing in a leopard thong, I will wait for Thanksgiving after eight pm and hide my aunt Sally's medication.

Oh my god, how dare you? I love Brittany. I don't care if her book is just to run on sentences and a recipe for candles. I don't care if it's a bunch of misspelled stories about how she found a potato chip that looked like her dog. Okay, I am buying it.

Yeah, and I'm gonna listen to the audiobook. I mean, who better to voice Britney Spears's memoir than the actress from Shutter Island. It is Michelle Williams, the actress. By the way, it's not the quiet one from Destiny's Child.

Well, I can see why they hired Michelle Williams. If they kept Brittany as the reader, they'd have to cut out three and a half hours just of pure vocal fry.

That is the sound angels make when their wings flap. I am so tired.

Yeah, I don't need the Britney Hayten here right now.

Victor too bad. I know what she went through. She says she was exploited. Well, honey, I've been exploited too, and I didn't make a million dollars doing it. I wore pigtails in the schoolgirl outfit and everything, and all I got was an STD test.

That's not true. You got an STD test in a bus pass. You told me about that night, Arnold.

I find it hard to believe, Arnold, that Britney has brought you zero joy down at Crystal's. There's never been a night where Britney's been playing and something good's gone down for you.

There is an endless loop at Crystal's. Early Britney Spears and Destiny's Child over and over and over and over again. I have to go into that bar and light my cigarette and put on headphones. I'll tell you how you put a ring on it. Down at Crystals. You wait until two thirty when they send all they send everybody away that it's not a regular, and then you can get away with just about anything. Right there in the bathroom, the lights are on for thirty more minutes. Whoo, I'll put a ring on it.

Bye bye.

You know, I hated every minute of working at this place, but now I don't want to leave for purely financial reasons.

I'm gonna miss all of you, but I'm gonna mis receiving a paycheck most of all. Now I'm gonna have to be the sugar baby out there.

This is going to ruin me. If I can't steal from the Bible pharmacy, my entire drug operation is going to fall apart. My customers need their fentanel. You guys, speech and debate teams need their Adderall cheating husbands need their vowtrex.

I need Santax.

Oh my god, I can't do this.

We all came here for the paycheck, but it's the friends we made along the way. Oh who am I kid? You guys are not going to stay in touch.

And that's why I want you to be the godfather of my child.

Jerry, for the third time, my answer is no, you don't even have a kid.

Okay, well, I'm gonna put you down as a Maybe you and I have great banter, but let's get down to business. When will the sale go through? And follow up question, when do you think I'll receive a check? Because I've got a golden parachute and I am ready to jump out of that golden plane.

Bill, we're not going through with the sale. What did you hear? What he says? Why I don't like you.

I was just saying here to appraise the property, but after meeting you had suffering through your inanities for a full eight hours. I'm recommending me buy out a different retail chain.

Yes, yes, Oh my god, Jerry's personality finally pays off.

I knew it.

That's the sound of a golden parachute hitting pay dirt. Bill, you can't do this.

I already put a down payment on a McLaren sports car. I just drived it. I had an erection the entire time.

I don't know why you would want to put half of the entire million dollars into a McLaren. You can't even get it fixed. I've had two McLaren's. I had to trade them in for lamboats. Let me tell you, Jerry, everybody who needs to hear this, My company is monolithic.

We are unassailable. Okay.

We could do crazy stuff like anything we want. So that's why I love my job. You all can enjoy your sad little lives of toil and drudgery. I got a helicopter waiting for me on the roof, you know. Let me just log out of my laptop.

Here, wait, mister tutter, take me with you.

Sorry, honey, I you already got a wife and two mistresses. Goodbye, everybody that's been a slice of cheddar.

Thank you very much.

Oh Jerry, I realize you're hurting right now, but I have to ask. Can we all go look at that helicopter?

Yeah?

Go ahead, you can look at the helicopter. Yeah, Hey, Liz, aren't you gonna go watch the helicopter?

Jerry, you betrayed us, you sold us out, You almost destroyed our lives, and you didn't even seem to care.

Yeah, I'm sorry, It's fine.

I would have done the same thing. Give me Wednesday off and we'll call it even Wednesday.

Oh yeah, sure, all.

Right, see you tomorrow. And Jerry, one more thing?

What's that?

Liz?

Your flies down again?

God damn?

It by employees Only is produced by Imagine Audio and Pretty Fast for iHeartMedia. Produced by Timothy Furnara. The associate producer is Wesley Hayes. It is executive produced by Ron Howard, Brian Grazerkarra Welker, Nathan Cloke and Jared Logan. Editing by Timothy Furnara, Mixing by j Palizi, casting by Sherry Henderson. Original music composed by Alloy Tracks. Liz is played by Kara klink. Brich is played by Kurt Brunneller. Victor is

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