Oh my god, it's Friday. It's direct day for uploading true Drew. We said we were going to talk about that on camera.
We this, no, it needs to be addressed. So there's been a part of us missing for the last six weeks or something like that, and we thought like we we might just let it go and no one will notice. But ye, Kai holds a big spot in all of our hearts. This is about Kai. But yeah, we we decided to go separate ways. We fired Kai. I know this is like a horrible like horrible timing for this to come out, but like, yeah, Kai is gone, He's out of the picture.
You fired him because you found out he went hooked up with somebody else, even though you like said okay.
And we don't have hr and like what like like what literally like what.
I told you guys, You guys shouldn't have been like romantically inclined if you were gonna work together. I said that like from the beginning.
Well, once you do us with someone, you're spiritually connected.
We have no connection.
So now I'm gonna have to fire you.
You can't fire I'm firing. Also, Kai isn't fired. He's like in the hallway I'm pretty sure Kai, you didn't fire him. You just said he can't be in the room anymore.
We were saying, you're fired.
Well, he's been trying to fire you.
What because you're like hooking up with people and you're blowing vape smoke in my face.
I know he did just walk into the kitchen and blow up smoke.
Drew.
Yeah, should we start the episode? Where were you guys talking about when I was in the bathroom.
No, we were saying, like, you're gone, You're out of here, You're out of the.
Are you like flirting with me?
Is it's like? No, No, it's.
Been like a huge decision. We've been thinking, we've.
Been We've been talking about this for a very long time. I thought you were already gone, but apparently you want to hook up with other fucking hose Oh is this.
About when you sat me down and said, since you're fucking like hundreds of other people, I can't work on the podect. I thought that was a joke.
No, I was, okay, let's play.
Wait, who was fucking hundreds of people? Because girls coming on?
Was he was doing what you do? I was doing what you do.
It's gonna you can do what the master does.
It's different. Yeah, like I'm ran through, but I still look put together. You're ran through and look.
You're ran through and you don't look put together. I'm ran through and I look perfect.
You're falling apart from all the all the insertions you've had.
I'm having a lot of work done.
We need to say that about people who are looking up lot low key. You are getting a lot of work done.
You're getting a lot of getting work done. All right, guys, and scene Kai is not fired.
I was improv. He's all funny improv.
He's just been traveling the world.
Yeah, he's been too cool for us.
So, no, that's not true. You guys are my priority.
Yeah, oh that's what you say.
Yeah, you guys are my priority.
Hey yep, yes, not yep, yes, but I just I dot no not yet you said yep. You say yes.
Yes, papas and Mama, queen, queen.
Yes queen, and yes Daddy yes no yet? Say kay? Can you say good boy?
Okay?
No, just boy? Good boy?
Wow? So much I've missed so much stuff. I saw a baby girl and I've been saying that to people when I check out it groceries. I'll be like, good girl, you.
Shouldn't be saying that's a random.
Like it's Trader Joe.
Yeah, the.
First they're all slugs.
Like when did that start? When did the like Trader Joe to whore pipeline start? Like when did that become like a theory?
I don't know.
Is it just because all their workers are like sexy?
No?
I think they're just like trained to be nice and like we live, we were existing in like a loneliness epidemic, not just men but women too, and like when someone's nice to you, it's like, oh wait, like they want to have sex, they want me, But I fall for that. Every time I.
Heard something that was like Trader Joe's business models. They're trying to commodify the small town grocery store, so like their aesthetic is like not super like it's not branded like a CBS. And then they train people to treat patrons bell basically. Yes, yes, it's the Southern bell technique.
That actually is interesting because when I go to the grocery stores in Granberry, they're all like chit chatty, want to have a conversation, and I'm like, leave me the fuck alone.
I know, I will say yesterday I went grocery shopping and two people spoke to me. One this guy saw me like he was a gay guy, so I let him speak to me. This older gay guy saw me getting pretzels and was asking about them, and like I entertained the conversation about my head. I was like, you're old. I, here's gay guy.
Okay, here's gay guy. And last.
Yeah, well look.
You can't say yeah. You gotta say yes, yes, daddy and mama you stop that can't like I mama's and poppa.
But he was asking me about the fucking pretzels, and I just entertained it, even though I was not in the mood and I was like in a rush. I entertained it. And then this older lady was asking me to grab some honey off the top shelf for her. She was tall enough to grab it. Yeah, her old ass was tall enough to grab it. She was not my fucking I. I just grabbed it for her. And then twenty minutes later, I'm not.
Narcissist, like a literal narcissist. Everybody wants her.
Well, no, I don't actually think that. You said that. I didn't think that. I did think she was just like a little loose because she asked me to grab the big she has through its because she asked me to grab the bigger container. I want to go grab that, and she's like, no, can you shut the fuck up for three goddamn fucking seconds down.
You should slap him or something. Hit me?
Hit me, hit me, hit me. I can't feel my fucking face. Just hit me?
Did they like was that far in the movie? Just like they did drugs or some shit and they were like being freaky when they do smoke weed or something or I don't.
I don't know what they might have done, like nitrous oxide or some shit.
What are you guys talking about?
Thirteen thirteen?
Oh, I haven't seen that since I hit me.
And it's liken and like it was like a huge thing on me. Fuck fucking hit me.
I don't feel anything. Hit me. But I went to go grab the bigger thing of honey because she was pointing at them and she was like, no, no, a small one. I grabbed her one small one, and then she was like, actually, can you get me another one? And I was like okay, So I grabbed her another one and then she asked me for another one, so she got three smaller ones instead of just the big one, which I'm whatever, but
the point of the story. Literally three minutes later in the next aisle, we were in the produce aisle and she comes around the corner and she slams into my car hard as fuck, didn't say sorry, didn't look at me, and I was like, oh my god, I think she might just have dementia. Like she literally like turned the corner, slammed into me, looked at me, and looked away, and then started like inching closer and pushing my car out of the way with her cart without saying a word.
And I was like, bitch, I don't know what, but I just fucking helped you around the corner. Why are you like with the fucking carts now? So she was mad at me for help.
He's tweaking out. Also, like the entire time you were talking, I realized every single word that comes out of anybody's mouth in my vicinity, I can sexualize. I know it's I know, it's really like you said, like inches, and I was like, oh, inches, penis, because I was Okay, we're getting a new TV, but I wanted to measure the old TV. So I think it's sixty five inches, which is three Drew penis slings. That's like a new unit of measure we're using.
Your dick? Is that long? Long?
Is that it's like twenty one point five inches twenty one point three three, but I.
Round it's actually twenty one point six six.
Yeah, twenty one point sixty six, So I round.
Down is that when it's you have a oh onsoft?
But yeah, we You also said slams, like her cart slams into you, slams like.
Doing s Who says slams?
You said slams?
No, I'm saying, like, who says that in a sexual content?
Oh?
I slammed her? That think this new fucking thing that like guys are saying that's abs absolutely like repulsive, like you know, like they have riz and they have huzz and they have all that shit. Bitch. The new thing they're saying is splitting, like, oh, I'd split that, which is like that's gross. Yeah, And they're like talking about like the most what's craziest.
I think, Drew, somehow you interact with the straightest side of the internet, because every time you bring up some stuff that like guys are talking about, it really freaks me out.
Who told you that you knew about like mogging culture so long, like a year before people were.
Oh, no, I was.
I was tapped in so he knew about mewing way too early.
You know, I was. I was tapped the fuck into the like looks Max and culture because I just thought it was literally the most deranged, funny thing I've ever seen in my life. And the reason I found out about it was this kid, Dylan Latham, who is a part of the cookie Verse, who is also a part of Santa Cruz. Is like it's chop house.
Chopped how.
No, you don't know, you don't know power mb.
No, No, I don't want to know. I like Ie Squad, Like no, I feel like I genuinely, genuinely think these are things I should never hear, Like do you know what I mean?
Sometimes like no, Vex Boltz is a part of Ya Squad, and yes, Vex Bolts snuck into the cookie Verse lore he was sneaking in.
Yeah, I really, I really, I'm not kidding. It feels like a world that I just shouldn't know exists. It's like, oh my god.
It's a world no man over the age of sixteen should know about. And It's like really crazy because like I'm like so locked into this universe. I even DMed Cookie King because I want to sneak into his lore. I want to sneak into the Lord. But no, the reason I found out about looks.
Nexting Karen Drew say that he DMed Cookie King.
No but and then sneaking into the lore. I'm going to be in season eight. I'm gonna be in season eight.
Seasons.
Yeah, we're in season seven right now.
And it's what are you talking about?
How you want to season of? Why?
Like universe y'all don't know Hills bro Hills.
Like like why you have all the information in your ad? Like what scares me? Is I genuinely do think Yourew is gonna be like dementia ridden really early.
Now I'm gonna remember, cared for.
The things you're gonna remember, Like you're only gonna remember the weirdest ship Cookie King, brit.
How can I, as a thirty year old man get involved in this? DM Zeta Well, speaking of looks, Maxim, you guys are both looking very good, very attractive. You guys both look like the bell of the ball. Thank you, you're welcome, and you look good okay, and you look good. Yeah, I get a haircut every month.
Look good. Every time you get here, I.
Can tell thank you.
Wow.
The craziest part about me reacting like that is there are some of y'all who would have had to like bear the bravery of explaining what this is to one of your friends, and that is probably exactly how they feel hearing.
About my well, their cousins, and they fucked. I mean no, that's really still so.
That sound before.
I was also driving and you know that billboard by our apartment in you no, like right on the corner over there. I was swear to god, I was like imagining because it's a big ass fucking billboard and I was like, oh, a good billboard would be like let cousins date or let cousins love, and it's just our pictures up there. And that's the only that's what all the billboard is.
Is every time we're in the neighborhood, are going to like like the areas we like to go around here. Imagine somebody has seen that like right before they got there and holding hands because we really hold hands and grab each other like we're a couple of yea. But my favorite things oh, we've been straight maxing, like yeah, in a crazy Wait wait, what were you doing in Whole Foods when we scared that guy?
I don't remember.
We were like having a fake argument or I like said something to you. I was like, you need to leave me the fuck alone.
Oh, I don't remember what it was. But yeah, we fake argue in public and it scares the shit out of people. But like we fake argue and then like we like hug and fake kiss and like yeah right each other, right, and it just looks like a chaotic, toxic relationship.
Like wait, why do we like to cosplay? Is like crazy couple?
I don't know.
It's because I like, I love a crazy couple that's like not actually crazy, but just says crazy remarks to each other in public that will always get me. And entertainment. I just feel like I was born to entertain so I.
Like to like, you're an entertaining todding, You're you're a stay entertaining, You're a star. Did that sound like old Hollywood?
I did?
Yeah?
Did you guys see that? A lot of people on the internet think that I look like Elio Leo from calling me by your name.
No, you have a picture.
Well just look, so they drew this beautiful drawing and then the comment, the top comment says, that's kind new.
Man guy, That does not mean you look you look like the shitty drawing of l e Oh.
I know they're saying you took that with grace. I will say, you took that like a.
Being called a handsome movie start lookike, yeah.
Being called tnnedy chaamagna. What like the you know.
The hyper pigmentation. That's kind. Oh I want like a kid to draw an ugly portrait of me so I can see it and hold it. Why are you crying?
Bro?
My fucking god.
Yeah, I looked up, I looked down at my phone, and then I looked back up, and you're fucking crying.
Why it's what? Just is it the TikTok man?
You're banning red dye three? They're ready, they're banning red dye three.
Wait are they actually wait? Did they did it go through?
Because twenty seven they're banning red dye three.
Oh my god, you have so much time.
And this is my nine to eleven, This is my nine eleven. They hit the fucking Pentagon, give me my red dye.
They hit the fucking Pentagon.
Yeah, they they're taking care.
I would fucking hope in two years your ass is not eating Red forty anymore. I learn a lot of bad lesson. You're gonna learn a lot of.
Scary less my hemorrhoids. I don't have hemorrhoids, but I like to say I have hemorrhoids. But I'm like, in a way manifesting hemorrhoids, and I do not want him.
I've never had hemorrhoids, and I've always been convinced I do, but I don't even know they existed until I met like my guy friends, and every guy I know has had a bunch of hemorrhoids.
So now, just have you had a hemorrhoids?
Tendency is every time have you ever had a fit?
Sure?
Who has a had a fisher there here or there?
Like, I'm not no comment.
Everyone's dropped a huge.
Everyone has had we just say a huge dry load, A huge.
Stinky load, No, a huge hard load, A.
Really painful thing. Is like when you're constant and you have the big dry log and you push it out and it's like it's very dense.
You end up talking about ship.
I know, we need.
To talk about important stuff.
Like the TikTok band. Y'all, bitch, I don't believe that. See, I wrote all of the things I want to.
Don't either, I don't. I don't think it's gonna happen.
I wrote all the things I wanted to talk about. I genuinely I don't believe it either. But if it does get banned, like earth shattering, heartbreaking, fundamentally changing, like like we still exist in the wild wild West of the Internet, even if it doesn't feel like it. And this sets a precedent where it's like, oh my God, like they can just take whatever the fuck they want
from us. And also, y'all, I everybody I give a chance, you better hope I don't give you a fucking second chance, because every single person I give a second chance squanders it. Mark Zuckerberg counts your fucking days. You and Elon Musk are gonna end up in the same fucking place together if I get my hands on y'all.
They're such like little dick ass hose, like they just have like.
His stupid fucking perm, Like why are you perming your hair in your fucking forties?
You feel like they have like vaginal type fupas does that make sense. Yeah, no, Lily, Like I just know, like if you if you got that fat like Kuchima Bob, you know exactly what I'm talking about. And I feel like they have that.
They both have like concave chess or X like, dude, I don't know.
They're just disgusting and fucking ugly.
And take that fucking gold chain off, you freak pitch. I don't give a fuck if it has sentimental value. Oh look, my child gave it to me, you fucking pervert. Like it's all his fault. He's a fucking perv. Like literally, he's a perv.
They're fucking nasty, bro. I want so badly I would pay any amount of money to have them both like put in velcrow suits and like launched on a machine onto a target and then everybody gets to throw like something at them.
Yeah, I would throw bricks.
Tomato, Oh, I would throw Okay, So here would be the order. We strap Elon and Mark Zuckerberg up to walls. We start with tomatoes. No, no, no, We start with water balloons that have like a bit of gelatin in the water. We start with that it's gonna be cold water like jello. Shans We start with that. Then we do cold mushy tomatoes.
Do that.
Then we do balloons like but more so like condoms, something that can like snap if it's like overfilled. We fill it with powder a powdered sugar. We throw that. We leave them outside overnight so they get covered in ants all night, and then in the morning we come and we use a power hose that's made for taking mold off of concrete and we.
Just spray the spray their their first layer.
Of skin off and they get to live. But that's just like punishment.
I want to cover them in bees.
I think. So I'm imagining we build like a big diving board and we put them at the top, and then there's this huge like body of liquid and then I'm like, I walk into it. I'm like, look like, all you're gonna do is dive into this, and then they dive in, and then it's non Newtonian, so like since I walked through it very slowly, they they'll say that dive in and then when they hit it, it's basically just concrete and.
Okay.
But everything I wrote that I wanted to talk about about the TikTok ban has already been said a million times by now, and I wrote it all like three days ago. So whatever. I don't know why I'm saying this, but.
They hacked his neuralinks he passed.
His Elon must It's like I love Elon musk no the the way that like they thought like banning this app, well, okay, let me back it up a little bit. China government, they.
Thought they way.
No, but China and America. China and America have worked very hard over the last thirty fifty sixty eighty decades to get us to hate each other, like they want us to hate each other. They don't want us united, They want us to hate each other through propaganda whatever the fuck it is. In banning TikTok, they wanted us to like be separated even further. They said it was
a data issue, like da da da da da. We all know why it's getting banned, But it's hilarious that in doing so, they've like kind of united China and American people like with this red no note, like the amount.
Of like Americans on my iPhone right now learning Mandarin. I didn't know that many people could speak Mandarin. Isn't that like the hardest language to learn? That some of y'all need to be careful because it's showing the text wracket you grew up in. Because some of y'all are a little too young to know Mandarin. I'm saying that, like people don't have fucking free will and actual like academic access and dueling.
God exists, I guess I think is cool. I want I love China.
I really want a yang wang U nine.
It's like you've been talking about that.
Yeah, it's like an electric supercar that they built.
Oh I do remember, yeah, bad. I just want to go to China because it sounds lit as fuck, like it sounds pretty. I have friends who've gone, and they all say it's pretty, and I want to go. Oh my god, the next brand trip like fuck all that Turks and Keko shit? Who was taking me to China? But no, I actually can't believe so many people know Mandarin because I barely know Spanish anymore and it is so impressive, and that they are just jealous. I'm jealous of people.
What I've been practicing Mandarin. No you haven't, I literally have, and ironically.
Then fucking speak it. Now, give me your phone because I feel like you're gonna like just look something up.
Or chunga chung shout? What's that? Timin the mankom he is a child ing the Uhan?
That sounded perfect.
Yeah, what did you say?
I said? I can't remember all of it, but basically I said I want to have sex?
Wait, how did you do that?
Like?
When did you learn that? I'm so confused.
I've been learning Mandarin in Swahili?
Do you know?
Yes?
Okay, because I remember him trying to learn Swahili. He said that he was going to learn it in a month, and he did.
Do a link or a week one of those things that he said that he was never going to fall through with.
Yeah, fucking god, so annoying, Like y'all are so annoyed? Well did I try?
Okay? Also, like if you're not actually speaking mander and I hope you know that's like fucked up.
Oh wow, the liberals here the liberals go again. You can't even speak a language. Okay, Well, let that gett canceled.
Let me try, let me try. Well, what instiden kind ad me?
I'm concential, tilla, Oh what'd you say?
I said that. I'm just happy to be back and I'm happy to see.
You guys, I feel like, that's not what you said.
Why are you not impressed when I when I do it.
Well, because you're just like this guy with a phone who like uses it and like, I.
Don't know, but that's hard. It's hard to learn.
Like you're a guy with the phone with crypto.
Yeah, literally you just like I feel like you're on the internet like that. It's like not that shocking to mab.
Still impressive that I know languages.
You know what is really fucked up about me? When that was a good guy? No crazy like random languages. I don't find it impressive. I actually usually find it extremely annoying. I'm like, oh, okay, I'm.
So h wait. That one white guy that goes to like Chinatown and speaks Mandarin and everybody.
Weirdly it's impressive because he's just he's very polite.
I love the reactions of the people like so much. And there's one where he's like getting like a pedicure or something and they're like talking about his toes and they're like nasty, like they're like nasty, fucking gross white people toes or whatever the fuck they say, and then he clocks them and is like starts speaking the language.
Wait, what does he say back?
I don't know, I don't remember.
He's like, you, stupid fucking bitch.
He kicks Oh hope not no.
I think he just says something in Mandarin random and then they're like, he can he understands us I did remember the.
Kind of people who That is how the episode that video ended, and we were just mentioning casually, like oh, it's a really funny video. You guys should go watch it. And then they went and watched it and somebody got kicked in the face. People who watch like a lot of violand videos really scare me. And that's all I'll say.
That is coming from somebody who watches murdered documentaries. But there's one thing to watch, like a like a crime investigation or something, which I don't do as often anymore. I'm back out of the dark.
Trade update, Trade update, Trade update. Read all about it, Read all about it. Wait, hold on, I'm easy, I'm extra, I'm an alien.
Read out about it, Read out about it.
It's like the news. I'm eatsy, I'm an alien, I'm extra.
I like, okay, actually, I'm so sorry to intarpe, but I have to get this out The thing that really actually annoys me about someone like Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg is if I had that kind of money and power, what I would really be doing is putting ray bands Snapchat glasses on a handful of people and watching their days and then paying somebody an absurd amount of money to do super cuts of those.
Wait I at.
Night and just watch their updated days.
I have a documentary idea like this. Mine's way darker and I don't want to get into it.
But no, mine fun.
I told both of y'all about it.
Mine is like fun, though, like I want like fun, Try it update, try it, update U.
Y'all. The trade in question, not the phony which I found out he had made a video talking about our taste being similar in men and that he wanted to see my Twitter. I don't have one, but he wanted to see my Twitter because Twitter is all porn, Yeah, to see if we have the same taste. Right, that's I'm assuming that's what you was saying. But he left a comic because I commented, like my trade, because he made a video like responding, and I was like my
trade and he said something so funny. He was like if Drew no if and yet yes.
Hey, come over, I have space in my bed for you.
Yeah. But basically, I'll give you the brief synopsis because it's all I talk about now, and everybody's so tired and bored of it, but I'm not.
I love it. It's like watching sex in the city for the I.
Don't like hearing about this ship. I think we should just move on.
You want a job or not?
You're so jealous.
Not jealous, and just so you talk about a lot. It's like, okay, great, like he's awesome, he's handsome, whatever.
And you saw a picture of him too, I want to see a picture.
I haven't seen a picture.
But basically I had more in the loss of him because I decided I'm not texting him first. I will never tell I will literally rather never text him again than me have to text him first one more fucking time. And granted he has texted me first several times, but the last like three times we spoke, he didn't text me first, so I was like, fuck you, like we're done.
So I didn't message him. Two days go past and I was like fuck I actually, like, I actually think he doesn't give a shit about me, cuz if you're confused what he's not interested?
Yeah, where did you hear that? Because that's like I don't necessary.
I literally don't know where I heard it.
Al So it's not really good advice.
No, I think it is, because like literally, like you if you're confused, like you should know if someone likes you, off rip. But also I give off this like weird, mysterious, creepy energy, and I think he's terrified of me. I'm like literally creepy to him, bro, But.
You're saying it like you're texting him, like what's the typical.
Well I almost want to come in. I almost asked him if he watches true crime stories, but then I got in my head and I was like wait, because we're watching the Jinx and I was like, oh, we can talk about the jinks. But then I was like, wait, actually, I don't want to bring up true crime because like we don't know each other, and it's weird if someone's like I don't know, I just get him overthink.
He's been overthinking every step. I'm just watching somebody with like intense paranoia and anxiety and like trying to navigate a crush. But also we're just so opposite and you. I say this all the time, but you can't ask me for advice because the way I text people who I like, like, I don't give a fuck. What are you just gonna not like me anymore?
Okay, fine, crush, we have to keep that in mind. This is my first crush. But I didn't text him. He didn't text me for like two days, and I was like, really sad. I was like, fuck, dude, I actually like, don't think he gives a shit about me. He never cared about me. He just wanted my body. He doesn't give a fuck about me. Well, he texted me back first, y'all. He asked me how I was doing because of the fires.
He text me back, Has your crush grown since the last time?
No, it's only shrunk, but it's shrinking. Its shrinking, its shrinking, But it's gonna be like a black hole where eventually it shrinks in the matter falls upon itself, and it explodes out. That's how I've been thinking about it, or what I still do. The first thing I think about in the morning is him, and the last thing I think about before going to bed.
Way, when celestial bodies collide, they create universes.
I'm scared to have text with him again after developing this crush because my penis is not gonna work.
Also, have you ever like, had like sex with somebody who you really had a crush on?
Oh my god, people have had really big crushes on me, have had sex with me.
Wow, Well that was really bad.
Also, that's the beast of its own. That must be like so awesome. I don't think anybody I've had sex with liked me more than I liked that. I don't think anyone I've ever liked has liked me more than I liked that.
You know, that's impossible. You have like three thousand bodies, you're ran through it.
Don't air me out like that. Also, I've gotten it down because in the ten year gap it goes now, so it's now at.
Plus your body sheds its. All of the cells in your body replace themselves after seven years. So those bodies in the past seven years, that's a really good They don't give they don't count.
They don't give a fuck.
Also, give a fuck three thousand bodies. Three thousand bodies doesn't that much.
It really is not like.
That's not bad.
She's not gonna bang you, bro, dude.
No, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying you're not blushing. I'm not rs I'm not blushing. What else did you crush me? I'm not saying that I was just right right. No, I just don't think that we shame body count.
Wait, what did you say recently? In an episode? He said something so stupid that would be perfect for this moment, But I'm not gonna remember. And I don't know why I just interacted because.
I hate when I do that too.
Figure it out.
Yeah. Also, last night, I have this hat on because last night, when I was making myself a little snack, I flung hot sugar at my face and look, Oh it's bad, it's bad.
Oh my god, she has third degree burns.
It burns like all my skin off. And immediately it burns my skin off. And I did something so stupid because the sugar not only flung on my face, but it stayed there for a second because I had all this stuff.
Tongu that one crazy And here's a tongue hulu.
A tongue hulu.
Wait, but I'm not done talking about my crust.
You no, get back to it.
Actually I am done. Really, Basically, I make him text me first now and he does.
You know what it is is you just haven't survived like a Hay scenario. Like the thing is, you don't need to keep in mind the Hay scenario is the least of my worries in terms of embarrassing romantic endeavors. Like I genuinely, from the beginning of being.
My god, I curved and friend zoned her so hard and you weren't.
You weren't the first, and you aren't gonna be the last, like damn, because like the thing is, I am very aware that I'm like a pretty girl whatever I'm fond of interesting. I am batshit crazy like that Like that, I think everyone in my life can attest to. I am batshit crazy and my priorities are really not in any romantic person. So everybody who dates me.
Has to bat bat shit crazy right now too, Like you're like, I'm bad, shit crazy crazy.
No, I have been feeling like so insane the past three weeks.
Like so in insane.
I want to I just I really need to go to the middle of America and find like a Derby car park thing I'm driving the boat, I'm driving the Derby car. I want to just crash a car, like I want it to be a safe scenario, but like my body feels like it needs to just like blast a song of my choice.
And just like my dream is to buyo like a thousand dollars car and crash it.
No, but I wanted to be like safety modded out because I'm not gonna die like that.
Come on, like, oh, you want to be in it.
You know, I'm saying I want to drive it, but I wanted to be like modded out that like there's phone cushioning all around me, so like at worst, I feel like a blow to my chest to.
Be like you know what I feel like. One of the most cathartic things is you know when people are like I was in this insane crash and my car flipped over, but I'm line, yeah, that feels like a really cool experience to be okay.
And it's like spinning like the upside down yeah, ye, spinning on the roof of the car.
And you know, I would really hit for somebody to find me upside.
Down car, Like your seat belts not working, Like what do you mean?
Just hanging upside down? And I need like my seat belts.
You have like little cuts on your face cut me off, and I to be like all my head the jaws of life, like like it's really dramatic for no thing, you really, I mean. That was my New Year's resolution was to get in a car crash. One of them was to get in a car crash, but not in like a deadly car.
Because you can't say that because you don't care enough. I'm always driving when you're in a car, but.
I know or even get hit by a car like crossing the street.
But one time I was parked in San Francisco. I was with my friend and he was dropping me off, and then a car hit us at like eighty miles an hour, and we were parked on one of like the really steep hills in San Francisco, and the car flipped over it hit us, and then it shot down the hill and it flipped.
Over me all the time like walking we.
Were in the car, but it smashed into our car and then it flipped rolled down the hill and then the guy just got out and said I ran up to him to like get a photo of the thing, and I was like, are you good? And he was like, I just need to go to sleep. Like, I just don't want my boss to find out about this. It was so weird.
Did the hospital So.
I was like, okay, wait here, yeah, the hospital came.
No, my hospital.
I was in front of my house at the time, and I went inside to get water with my friend that was parked with me and we were.
Lived in San Francisco.
Okay, that first of all homophobic.
No, no, I mean it's literally it's literally gay.
I didn't even think about it, and.
Like theory you were the homophobic one, because why are you so offended at being.
Yeah, that's a good point.
That's a good point, and I'm gonna I'm gonna think about.
It to kiss later. You'll just have to kiss me.
We broke up whatever manipulative Okay. We went inside to drink water. Then when we came back out, the guy drove the car off. When we were inside we were drinking water. We were gonna like come back out because I don't know. We were just like, let's just go inside for a second. And then when we were inside, we heard the car start and it like drove off and what I don't know. I mean, I have a I ended up like reporting it and we got like
physical therapy out of it. But it was like some weird thing that ended up being this guy who worked for like this rich tech person and what would like this is like the seventh time it had happened, Oh my god, where he was like his assistant. He would like do xanax and.
Drive and it was his boss's car.
It was his boss's car.
Oh hell no.
I would be like, I want to go to sleep too.
For a long.
I want to be in a coma please video wait.
That just reminded me of when you and Arrinde took my car and O Ryan had already got into a car accident in my car and then I let them take it to San Francisco and they thought they got hit and they were talking about if they brought my car back, and it was like Flintstones.
I literally was sobbing crying. I have never left that heart of my life, and I truly it wasn't that funny. I know.
Well, also the imagery of like me standing on the front porch and y'all coming up in the car and.
Like, yeah, what was the thing that happened with O Ryan's car where there was like that security?
God, I forget what it was we haven't. I've always asked Oryan for it, but she'll never send it to me.
Okay, we should like save onto that story because we want to have a Ryan on again. So we'll tell that story because that ship is so funny.
Just look out. Me and O'Ryan got in a car crash and it's quite literally the funniest security cam footage.
Feels like the silent films that cut it and they're like.
But what, Yeah, it's so fucking funny.
But oh that's awkward.
I was gonna say, have y'all seen that the video of that truck that gets in the tornado and it flips and rolls over and all that shit. It happened like probably five years ago.
I need to see it.
But it gets hit by a tornado, it rolls a bunch and then just drives away.
It's like the greatest ad honestly, Like if I got rolled around by a tornado but my car and I was fine, Like, yes, I would drive away. Actually no, could I make any money off of that situation? If I say?
Okay, back to the wild weather out of Texas following a tornado outbreak, folks, this is video you're looking at from Elgin, just east of Austin.
Watch as a twister lifts a pick up.
Off the ground, spinning it around and then landing it back on its wheels. Take another look. Okay, if that's the driver, continues as if nothing.
Even you want driving.
Didn't even show it, fucking driving off.
I mean, I believe it. I believe you, Drew, I believe you.
Pisses me off. But it was a Texas team and he got fifteen thousand dollars.
Okay, then yeah, I would say good.
To know who pays the money for I.
Think it was like the fucking state. I think it was the car company because they like it was like the greatest ad for them ever, because like they're hard to get hit by.
Hid him fifteen k Now it's not a good adoption, true, I want more.
I could have died because that's at least like a three million dollar budget commercial. Yea, yeah, but they saved three million dollars.
They saved so much money on editors.
Speaking of cars. Yeah, literally, because Ellen ellen Degenner has saved so much money on editors, because or saves so much money because she hires.
She does hold the editing for the show herself.
But but oh, you know that like hoodie that Ellen and jay z ware that has like the Bosquiocht painting on it. I think it's off white and all of like the conspiracy freakazoids like uh talk about it like it's like if you know this symbol like and what it means, you would be shocked. Then it's like just pictures of Ellen and other celebrities wearing that hoodie.
I want it so fucking bad you're talking about it's just.
Like a Boscocht painting, Like Boscocht like a state collab with off white and there's like this little creepy Boscot painting right here.
Oh maybe I have seen it and.
It looked it does look kind of demonic. But something that's legitimately been pissing me the fuck off recently, like actually driving me insane.
Is.
Why the fuck are the speed limits fifty miles per hour but my car can go one hundred and fifty miles per hour? Like literally, what is the point of making my car go that fast or making the speed limits that low if my car can go that fast?
Yeah, I don't really understand it either. Also that, but that's why I don't understand people who want sports cars that go like, why would I ever need.
My car to go three hundred miles per hour? Like okay, so I can drive in the salt flats, Like cool, that's so fun.
Do you need a car that faster to driving the salt flats?
No, but you can drive that fast in the salt flats. That's where they set all the world records for land speed. I can't believe that. It's really cool. There's this really awesome documentary about like a motorcycle.
Is it dangerous to drive that fast even on like flat area?
Yeah, I feel like there could be like a because in the salt flats there's like little pockets where the water like erodes the salt away and then it gets covered. Yeah, exactly, and you don't see it. Yeah, you're if you're going three hundred miles and you hit that, it's not in the yang Wang yang Wang.
That is fucking insane. Also, yang Wang literally sounds like the name of like a beauty influencer, Like it sounds like a guy.
To yeah, like, are's thel beauty.
I feel like cars can go that fast because I've always in my head rationalized of like if you aren't an emergency situation and you have to like drive really fast around. I don't know, I'm like for men.
Emergency situation is like when we pulled up today to film the episode, I saw Kai and I felt like I had to put my car.
Oh, speaking of the emergency situ fucking wait, wait, why I was perving on me when I was in my car.
I was just filming.
I had look look at this creepy video.
He's a little I was just filming you.
We've become obsessed with saying all ew, why are you breathing so hard?
I'm just filming.
Why were you filming?
I'm so ugly when I'm to add it to the to the database of videos that I have of you guys, because you guys just look so cute when you don't know that someone's filming you. And I just I want you guys to see what the world sees.
I never want to see what the world sees. Actually, I decided, like I think I'm gonna get rid of all my mirrors and get rid of my phone and move to the woods and die.
Okay, we are back. Wait, I'm gonna taken off guard photo of Okay, there we go, got it? This is actually so.
He looks so cute.
Let me see that's.
Actually that is weirdly enough, the lighting your back lit. But like that.
Photo, Can I see it again? Because I feel like.
The lighting was really good even though it's back lit.
I was.
I don't think I look photos like photographs I've ever seen.
I know, I'm like Loki, a photographer. I can capture someone's essence perfectly.
Just they're like, snap, that's real life. This is real life.
Really imposing that you're saying, I actually look good because I'll put it on on my main.
Yeah you should.
This is a good photo of you and you guys aren't working with me, No, you.
It's so moisturized, and your teeth are really.
White, real white teeth. You got that?
That a smile?
Honestly, I trust you, guys. I trust you, guys. I don't. I don't trust my own image of myself, So I trust you. Be okay, then send me that.
Well we've been saying, y'all, this is so fucking funny. Before I got I, before I wrote the trade update, I took a note saying I didn't re checked. It's so fucking dramatic. I didn't know it was possible.
Love to read your fucking journals right now.
They're not really like they're so psychopathic, like they're really intense.
Uh well, my car story. Have I told the story about me crashing the car when I was fifteen?
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, like the hit and run, Yeah, the hit.
And run, the Starbucks hit and run.
Yeah.
Oh that one isn't that funny. But I'll tell that one a different time if actually people want to hear it, because it is a funny story. But the one I was just thinking of is one time when we were driving home from school, me and my whole family were in the car, or we're driving to school, because it was like seven am, and this tiny like Toyota Camry, it was a gold color just like, ran through a red light and t boned somebody who was right in
front of us. And I am not kidding. Twelve high schoolers jumped out of the car and it felt like I was actually watching a clown car because it was a tiny like nineteen ninety six camera and twelve big ass teenagers got out and ran all different directions, and it turned out that it was a bunch of eighth graders from my school who had taken their mom's car to school, and they were like just listening to a
bunch of music. And this kid had gone around and picked up all his friends and were like all laughing, like dude, just get in, just get in, we can all fit. And they were all in there, like laying on top of each other, and they weren't paying attention because they were too busy just like laughing. They hit
this car. Nobody got injured, but all of them ran out and just the one kid who I knew who I went to YMCA with was Stan left standing at the car and I just like we looked at my dad was like, oh my god, these kids are crazy, and we were like, yeah, they're so crazy. But they were like all of our front.
They're free too. I told you my car crash story. Wife two. So one of them I was getting slurpees from racetrack and we were.
We had our first problem is getting slurpees from race track.
I was we would go to the YMCA and then we'd it was like across the street and then we would drive my friend's dad would drive us across the street and we were drinking slurpees and we had small cups of Slurpees, but they had really long straws in them because they only had long straws, And we were both sipping our slurpies as we were rear ended, and we both deep throated our slurpee straws and cut the back of our throats.
Like wait, Also, I just remembered another car crash story, which was a very very sure sign of me from a young age having OCD. But the first car accident I remember being in I had it was my first day second grade. My mom picked me up. I was in the front seat. I didn't put a seatbelt on, and I was talking mad about my new teacher because I thought she was a fucking bitch and her name was like miss Adams or some shit, and she was a bitch. It was literally like she was evil version
of missus Frizzle from that one fucking show. But like now looking back, she was very cute, because there were times where she was very nice. But the first day of school I was talking mad shit about her, and then we got into a car crash, and since I didn't have my seatbelt on, I shot into like the foot space because I was a tiny person, and I shot into the foot space I twisted my ankle, and I was I never talked shit about her for the rest of the year, even though she was so mean
to me. I was convinced that talking about her made my mom crash the car karma, so I was like, I can't talk bad about her anymore because she's like a witch or something.
The last cars crash story I'll tell is I was driving in Grand Burry and we were going down you know that big road by like like you know, Hb's here where I worked is here. We were going down that road and there were like, no, I'm not even gonna tell it. Okay, I'm not gonna tell it.
We don't deserve it.
No, y'all don't get it. Y'all will never understand it. Now, I was just gonna lie and say hit a bunch of bikers. But I was like, honestly, that's not funny. But the last thing I'll bring up, and this was diabolical. This was full y'all are evil for doing this to me. But I saw the video and it was like when they're an ugly type of hot, and it was like this girl like like when they're an ugly type of hot.
I got tagged in that thirty plus times, and there was a comment saying, oh, this is Drew Phillips that had three thousand likes an ugly type of hot. You were not an ugly type of hot.
We're not ugly hot like I think you are just hot.
You are take the hot you honestly aren't. Yeah, drop the ugly purely hot.
Well, I need to find the screenshot because I saw something like that of me recently that made me crack d fuck up. Oh, it was like going into the new year with an any humanser mindset, and it was like.
A slideshow of a bunch of really really cute pictures and like just my vibe, like aesthetically And then the top comment was isn't she like super sad?
Yeh yeh, yeah, not anymore. It's five exact and you're so happy. Actually, you have been really happy recently. I have been, like the last week. There was a rough two weeks when we got back.
Have you been happy the last week?
No?
Actually, well I was gonna say, I've also been happy, So.
Make it end with me while you're bragging.
Bragg I'm usually sad.
Usually when we're sad, you have to be sad. You can and when we're happy, you have to be sad.
What you need to stay sad?
Dude.
I love hearing that, though, kaya because.
I felt so good. That's awesome. Yeah, it felt good you.
Were in I mean, you've been going back and seeing your family a lot. What if that's like the key?
It might be it really is. I'm not kidding.
I think like removing yourself from like high.
Social helping your parents with stuff is like, so it's what we were meant to do.
Yeah, it was truly. We were supposed to be like in the villages, like helping our parents build the mud hut.
Like.
Yeah, when I was younger, I would go visit my family and I would just regress and that that was my activity. But now I just I go back and I help them do chores and stuff.
That's that is so cute. I don't have a Drew sigh up today, but I have a monologue.
I if this is what I think it is, I'm gonna walk away while you do it, all.
Right, no lube, no protection, all night, all day. From the kitchen floor to the toilet seat, from the dining room table to the bedroom, from the bathroom sink to the shower from the front porch to the battalcony, vertically, horizontally, quadratically, exponentially, fuck exponently, logarithmic, while I gasp for air, scream until
I see the light. Missionary cowgirl, reverse, cowgirl, doggie, backwards, forwards, sideways, upside down, on the floor, in the bed, on the couch, on a chair, being carried against the wall outside, in a train, on a plane, in the car, on a motorcycle, the bed of a truck, on a trampoline, in a bounce house, in the pool, bent over in the basement
against the window. Have the most toe curling, back arching, leg shaking, dick throbbing, fist clenching, ear ringing, mouth drolling, ass clenching, nose sniffing, eye watering, eye rolling, hip thrusting, earthquaking, sheets, gripping, knuckles, cracking, jaw dropping, hair pulling, teeth, theator bug, mind boggling, soul snatching, over stimulating, vial, sloppy, moan inducing, heart wrenching, spine tingling, backbreaking, atrocious, gushy, creamy, beastly,
lip biting, lip biting, gravity defying, nail biting, sweaty feet kicking, mind blowing, body shivering, orgasmic, bone wrecking, world ending, black hole creating, universe destroying, devious, scrumptious, amazing, delightful, delectable, unbelievable, body numbing, back worthing, can't walk, head nodding, soul evaporating, don't cough, uh sorry, soul evaporating, volcano erupting, sweat rolling, sweat rolling, voice cracking, trembling, sheets removing, eye widening, pussy popping,
nail scratching, back cuts, spectacular, brain cell dissolving, hair ripping, slow, show stopping, magnificent, unique, extraordinary, splendid, phenomenal, mouth foaming, heavenly awaking Devn's Devil's tattoo. That was a Fredine Switt slip, Hi devn Devil's tango. He could not put a nuclear
bomb inside of me and I'd still ride it. Or he could put a nuclear bomb inside of me and I'd still ride it, and I would give this man the sloppiest, wettest, creamiest, soul taking, slimy, life changing, death, defying, heaven sent flabbergasting, hypnotizing, ungodly.
Head that is sexy. That was a very sexy poem that.
Felt like when you and your friends go to a new restaurant and the waitress asks if y'all have been there before, and some fucking idiot the table decides to admit you haven't been there before, So now you have to hear the whole spiel. That's what it is.
What is the suit? Mini? Also, I have to give what's on the sup menu today.
And the special today. Drew is the kind of motherfucker.
I do do that. I do do that, but I have to give credit where credit is due. That was from at cunt rs on.
Oh, I thought you were writing sex poetry.
No, no, no, no.
I was gonna say, because I've I've actually been writing some sex sexy poetry as well.
Read some.
This one's called clever Girl. I feel like a cursed time traveler, one that can only move forward in time. My addiction to the arts rivaled only by my addiction to beautiful women. What does a night out with a guy like me look like? I take you to a restaurant, I wine and dine you and shower you with sexy compliments. I take you back to my apartment and impress you
with my sexy furniture. I make you laugh until you squirt, and best of all, we make love in the morning, I make you breakfast, and you bake me for more sex. A bachelor tethered only to his cock.
What is this?
It's poetry. I've been working on a coffee in a hip downtown cafe, overlooking the side. God, I indulge in a cigarette, sue me. May you find me guilty? You find it?
Where is this from? God?
You find it relaxing to be around me, even when I'm giving you little kisses and nibbles. God, I'm almost done. The sun sets, The sun sets on a brazen New York City skyline. Your body quenches my thirst, a sexual oasis. I laugh at it. You introduce me to your friends. They are offended by my candor.
So it ends there.
That's it. It's yeah, that was.
Beautiful.
When I was in New York, me and my friends were like, we're trying to write like the most like disgusting, like straight guy poetry. We can.
That's your milk and honey.
Yeah, I'll just keep working on that. I'm gonna keep working, you.
Know, I think, right, a couple more and we'll bring one every episode so and you can hear it every time.
Now I like them longer.
Too, so yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm gonna kill myself tonight.
Okay, Drew's high up corner. I'm always intrigued by close friends' stories. Who's not allowed to see you grilling zucchini?
That's how I feel about, like ice cream? Like why who can't know you're having a sweet treat right now?
Why is six gagged? Why because seven eight?
Okay?
That was at shape Ports on Twitter. Y'all merge perfectly at chick fil A. But y'all merge perfectly at Chick fil A? But why not? On the I forty five, that's really good. That was from Cassidy Jane, And that's all y'all get well.
My media of the week is still just Walk a Thin Line by Fleetwood Mac because I don't know, I just feel like that song, and that's all I've been listening to on repeat.
My media of the week is The Dark Tower one in the Dark Tower series by Stephen Hawking or Stephen King because my crush really likes it and so I started listening to it. That's cute all, but no, for real, my media is I might break, but I won't buy Thrillium Angels Maury Moury' that's all y'all get. And then I've been only listening to the Challengers soundtrack. It's been the score to my life the last three weeks. It's been the soundtrack to my life. So tap in and
then anything Trent Reznor Atticus Ross. I started listening to the Social Network soundtrack because every once in a while, like if I have an album I really really love, I like have to withdraw from it because I'm like too like dependent on it and I'm also like just desensitized. Yeah, so I like take like a tolerance break from it. And oh my god, the Social Network soundtrack is so fucking good, y'all, And I'm back on that ship. I'm back on that good ship. And my media, well, Ky,
do you have a single song you would like to type? People?
Movie the movie Media, The Before Sun Before Sons. Yeah, yeah, I had never seen him, really, I've never seen him. They're so good.
We've we've talked about you not seeing them before. They're so fucking lit.
So crazy. And actually in the first one.
Was that one car away No no, no, no, no, it's link later, yeah, link later.
But in the first one, the guy is like, I have this idea for a TV show where we just follow people's lives, like what you guys are talking about. Yeah, before sunset?
Are there two or three?
There's three and they're ten years apart every time were they made?
Do you know if they were made like like years apart or they.
Were made over the course of thirty years with the same actors, so lit it's it's really.
Cool, so goodd but okay, well, thanks for listening to this episode of Emergency or Calm. This is the last episode to talk what's fun
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