Seasonal Depression Rules!

I didn't put like, you aren't a bitch. You ran and put on that half of the necklace because you know your half, and then you just ran and put it on where is And I know exactly what happened. When we were in the bathroom. You saw it on the barcelon and you were like, I'm gonna put it on so I could like.

Say something, No, that's exactly I just wanted to see.

You were gaslighting me. You literally go out of your way to gaslight me. Every single day. You were seriously gaslighting someone and I was like, Drew, but I don't remember who it was.

It was probably you. I mean I literally guessed, like everybody know it was.

It was like someone else. It was like Christian or something, but you were like fully, Christian was like you did this, and you were like, are you kidding me? And you like actually started gas lighting him.

And I was like, Drew, that's me.

That's me as a person. I gaslight and I actually practice what I preach.

We've gas lit our followers into enjoy being gaslet because someone made a comment where I was like, I just don't feel like they're gaslighting us as much as in the last episode and like as if it was missed. Speaking of comments, though, I.

Posted a TikTok and someone was like, like, why do you think, bitch, Like someone said, Okay, why wasn't Enya invited to the met Gallop?

Bitch? Why the fuck do you think? Like, I think it's beautiful that our followers like us ride for us like that. But and I'm not saying this as of like tell me I'm important, but like we are not important.

No, literally, I've been struggling with that so much more recently.

Yeah, especially the past week.

Yeah, like I genuinely mean nothing to no one. Yeah, which, like I shouldn't. I shouldn't base my.

Importance on.

That at all, but like I do, point blank period, I do. And there's no there's no changing that. And yeah, I'm just not important to the industry, which.

Yeah, I guess.

Let's rea like phrase that. It's not that we're not important, like I know that for you guys, we are important, and obviously, like it's one of the reasons I keep fucking doing what I do is because I know that. Like I I'm not super insecure, like I do have confidence where I'm like I think what me and you provide for like the Internet, especially the influencer. Safe space is safe space, especially for the influencer space is very important. But yeah, to the industry, we might as well.

They don't sit about us.

Literally they don't care. They don't care. And I was I was telling you this morning. I was like, like, I know, in my entire life, with every fiber of my being, I will never ever be invited to the metcala, Like it's just not in my car, Like I don't I don't have that look, I don't have that energy to give, like I'm not made.

For the red carpet whatever. But like I was, like, I was having fomo.

I was like, how fun would it be if I like got dressed by someone I know?

Watch.

I was like, stop, wait, we need to like go out to a really nice dinner or something, so I have an excuse to put on like my best dress and like get all like prettied up.

We should hire a what are they called a dresser?

A stylist.

Yeah, we should hire a stylist for a day to stylist and really really good.

Oh, I guess I can think of a few stylists And I'm like, I want you to put me in clothes because like you're good at what you do. Like, uh, the girls who dressed us for Mark the Mark, Shoot, yeah, they are awesome.

They knew what they were doing.

Chloe, I don't remember their names, but they are awesome. Like everyone they dress, I'm like, wow, like you're you do a good job of like looking at the person and being like, yes, this is what you would wear. I can't say a fucking stylist who's like, yeah, here's your fucking bingo bongo fit like and it has nothing.

It doesn't fit. It's gross, it's grumbling.

Or like a stylist who is just like, all right, here's your like jeans and T shirt.

You slip.

But but I guess like some people want that solid.

Some people want to be normcore.

But you being like doesn't it look so fun to just like get dressed? Is literally like yesterday I went in to look at the Mecca. I've never watched the Megala in my fucking life, but I literally watched it because Addison, Ray and Emma were going and I like desperately, I was like, I need to know what they're wearing. I like, obviously, I like knew Emma would serve and she like looked beautiful, and everyone honestly, everyone looked beautiful.

Here and be like you eating Cheetah's in your bed, being like, oh, why are they dressed like this?

Yeah? I was like, and everyone does just look fucking good. Everyone's sirs, And you do have to take into account, like, yes, I understand the like historical importance of the metgala, but at the end of the day, like socially, what the fuck is it? It's like it's a party. We are literally tuning in to watch celebrities walk down the hall in an outfit, to go into a museum in an outfit and take pictures, and then most of them go and change into a different outfit so.

They could go to a party.

It is actually the weirdest thing. When I was watching it, I was like, I'm literally watching myself be not invited and be so unimportant.

How you hate him from outside the club if you can't even.

Get in I can't even get on the carpet outside of it.

Like that.

That's what the magala is.

It's like all of us watching and being like this outfit sucks, this gives.

Honestly, Like everyone looked good though. I was like, all of y'all look like you smell good. Yeah. It was like a weird theme in my head. I was like, what would I do? Like people did old Hollywood like Billy did Old Hollywood, mad old the Hollywood. Yeah, Billy literally looked like a fucking Disney character, but like in a good way, Like looked like a princess.

It looks like a Disney adult in a bad way, Disney Disney adult derogatory. No bitch, she turned it look like it was awesome.

Yeah, megs. Meg's look was also like slaying looked good, was giving old Hollywood, Like, I think that's like what a lot of people were doing do. Barbie Barbara, I can never say her fucking name never in my life. I'm always like Barbie, Barbara, Bara Barrea. Like I don't know why I don't know her name. I think it's just Barbie.

Yeah, I think it's Barbie.

Okay, she looks good. I'm like I like refusing to say it. Anytime I talk about celebrities, I get really fucking uncomfortable and scared because I'm.

Like, they're gonna hear this, They're gonna hear this.

Aways not even they're gonna hear this. I'm like, I used to be a big ship talker, so I'm like scared anytime I say anyone's name because I'm like, I used to be someone who didn't have a therapist and would like go on weird tangents. But I'm a change to them now.

So she's growing.

Up, Yara, I I don't know anyone's name. I'm like literally trying to like find their name. Yeah, I just know the dresses everyone wore, but like there were certain girls who were giving. Like everyone looked good, but certain girls I was like, oh, I want to wear that.

I saw.

I saw the TikTok last night that was so funny. It was like, I swear to God, Camilla Cabello and James Cordon or whatever his fucking name is saw like a Hollywood executive commit like a gnarly murder or crime, and they were just giving careers after that because like they give nothing ever, But like Camilla like you have to like to be the best, I mean, to be on top of the world the way she is, like she has to be making something appealing to somebody, like the masses.

So she's good at that.

But like I'm gonna admit I like kind of like her new song.

I love her new song, Don't Go Yet.

Oh, Normani looked so funny. Normani is one of the sexiest women to ever walk the fucking face of this earth and her Actually, now we can transition to the VMAs. We're becoming the.

Fucking BuzzFeed, just like like a TV.

We just had the most like teenager week of my life. I had like two I literally sat in my car. I was like, I can't remember the last time I gave the a funk about the VMAs. But I think that since I had such bad Fomo.

I never get phone and is like the last person to get anyone's doing, like I always have pomo. Literally, if my friends hang out without me, like I will jump off a bridge, like I don't care, like I will write them in.

My suicide letter. But not, actually, you don't worry about me. I'm good.

No, I'm actually gonna kill myself. But like it's jowing, like, but you know what it is. I think because now, like because of the past year of my like new burning love for New York, the fact that it was all happening in New York is what like made it fomo for me, is because I'm like, this is like one I just left and everyone then everyone got there, so like it was like breaking my heart because I was like, dude, I could have been like hanging out with like a bunch of people I know in a

Running around and Lassie, yeah, like a little cat.

But yeah, I was like I don't remember the less how I cared about the VMA's And then we got home and I literally like watched.

I was like, why am I not there again? Why are we not at the VMAs? We should be at the VMA.

The VMA's is like weirdly embarrassing.

I don't want to go. I don't want to go, but I want to be invited.

Denial, I'm saying, it's like embarrassing to not be invited. I feel like at this point and like.

H yeah, whoever, whoever, whoever, y'all just please put it on your story so we get ratings.

Please please please.

But like the I was like, I'm like, why wasn't I there, like specifically because everyone was there, Like yeah, that was it. I just couldn't give a fuck. But I did watch all the performances and like, first of all, this is the way.

Before we get into the VMAs. Can we just say what we did instead of being at the vmash Okay, so literally we are fucking actually weirdos, like like all of our friends, all of our like acquaintances, where like in New York at the VMA is like having a at fashion week, just like turning up. Turning looks like just living an influencer lifestyle.

And me and Inya were.

Literally at a fucking reptile convention, like a reptile convention, looking at lizards and snakes all day.

I wouldn't change it for the world.

Someone was like getting glam done, and we were like driving an hour to fucking and to go to a convention. And while somebody was walking the carpet, I was literally holding a fucking.

Skink, which I genuinely wouldn't change for the word. I know. It was the most fun thing was fantastic.

I touched so many like animals.

I genuinely found my people, Like those are my people. And like, one day when all is said and done and I get and my whole career is ended, somehow, maybe it can go back there. I can go back to the convention and raise my lizards.

You know what.

I just realized, like us being here, like being like we're not important to the industry, but and then like I know our followers are, like y'all are like are important? We love you, bitch. We saw some of y'all at the convention. That's why you think more important because somebody you motherfuckers are the freaks who are going there. Ye so, but that's okay.

We cornered the weirdos of the internet.

We're just different.

We're all different. We're all different.

We're the popular loaners. Everyone knows this, but we don't want to associate.

I like do so badly, Like I'm I'm like, okay, I'm like twenty three and I'm over being a loser. Like I want to be important.

I know we'll get it this year.

Don't go yet.

Oh supposed to be our year. You know what that is?

Because I'm like, as much as I'm a fucking bitter, hater, piece of shit bitch, I feel myself kind of shedding that a little bit and like being like, you know what I really am, like replacing the part of me that cringes with the part of me that is cringey. Like I'm letting go of being cringed and I want to be cringey. Yeah, I just want to have fun. Like like I said in the last episode, the world is ending. It's time for me to have fun. I

Fucking we're just bitter.

We're just bitter, Like, please invite us, please, please please invite us, because I know one motherfucker.

I know one motherfucker from MVT, MVT, MV.

MTV is listening to this right now. Bitch, I know you hear me. I'm looking at you in the fucking eyes.

Like I'm literally a free intern, like I.

Can send us out here.

You can't even see him. Drews practice that he got her. I have such a bad time with animals, like I fully I give them the gender I want them to have, like that I feel from them because they can't speak it.

She's so fucking alive. It's actually weird. I hate it.

You have to take her off to the camera literally looks like you're playing with fucking lint and everybody listening can't see what you're doing. Oh. Actually, the funniest story about this. You can't see her like you have to do like the yeah, like the beauty girls. Oh my god, you're pissing me off the way you can't figure this out. No, it's working.

So there's my spiny man. So here's my spiny manthis.

Her name is Goji. She's in her second stage evolution. One day this week, I'll wake up and she will be a beautiful spiny flower mantis, fully mature. We have like a we've already built like an awesome relationship, like we love each other and I think she recognizes me and she knows me, and I give her her food and.

She loves me. Yeah, that's my story. That's my mantis.

But our friend Tavia got the same, like kind of mantis.

Hit me, she put my sheep, she wanted to touch me.

No, you literally they're scared of the shade and they'll like start attacking your hand. Our friend Tavia got the same mantis. And Drew and Tavia were told that because they're female mantis is they can't fly. And when we were at the convention, like Tavia took her mantis, whose name is Rena, out, and she took Rena out and Rena was fully fluttering wings, but they were like, oh the Drew and Tavia were like, oh, she can't fly though, And I was like, oh, okay, but she was fully

It flew away in the parking garage and like flew directly into a wall and fell to the ground.

And we were like, oh.

We were all in shock, like we were walking and Tavia just goes, what did she say?

She was like, I didn't think she could fly. I didn't I didn't know. They told me she wouldn't fly.

And then it like we all looked up and we saw this fucking praying mantis flying through the garage, hit the wall out of the ground, and we weren't in a rush. We were like, oh, the bitch is right there, like we'll just walk up and get her. We walked over there and she was gone, like she had fully disappeared. And we looked under all the cars, like everywhere, and we looked for like thirty minutes. It was probably one hundred and five in that parking garage. We were all sweating our ass.

I was like fucking humid in there.

And I was like no, like, we have to find her. I was like, there's no way we don't find her. And then like literally thirty minutes past me, like dude, the bitch is gone, Like she's fully she's fully going to live her life in the parking garage, Like how sad is that? And then like literally right as we were leaving, Tavia like looks up at the ceiling at this like crossbar and she fucking sees her mantish just like chilling on this wall and she's.

Like, wait, is that that's her? Right?

And then I zoom up on the camera and I couldn't tell him. She's like, yeah, that's literally it.

And so she like ran jumped on top of my car, got her and now she's saved. But like Tavy made a good point, like I got the ship because I thought.

It couldn't fly exactly, like I don't want it to start fucking flying around my room and.

Shit, that's kind of cool though.

Yeah.

No, the the owner, I mean, the girl who was selling them at the convention was like, I just literally let my mantis is like roam like they literally just like I'll let them free in my house for a week at a time, and they'll collect bugs and then I'll call them or like be talking on the couch and they'll come back to me, like they're literally like fucking dogs. It's so I mean, I wish I could understand, like how alive this thing is. It like genuinely blows

You literally can't let it roam free because out of it.

Eat the fuck out of this is.

Such a pussy though, Like because when a Lisa had her a lizard here, like actually as well as it a pussy, I think she's just like a freak. But doesn't make sense that a cat would go after crickets instead of a lizard.

No, I think they should eat lizards ten out of ten over crickets.

But Alisa's gecko was in its cage, we like locked a zool away. Alisa set up the gecko's cage and like locked it in there and we let Azula because we were like, dude, it was gonna freak the funk out, and she literally just started laying.

By the cage.

Yeah, she just like looked at it, smelled it, and was like, oh okay, and no cat.

But then she heard the crickets that she was freaking the fuck out. But I think because she heard the sounds, so she like knew it was a bug, but she couldn't see it. She likes bugs, I think, so we should give her.

Your Buck's Girl's Girl go Gi. I love Goji.

But yeah, while everyone was at the VMA's, we went to the Red talc commentared, and then we came home and we continued playing Mario Kart for like an hour. My god, I love Mario Kart and Mario parties so fucking.

Bad, and you, I know it's so should you?

Playing games with Drew is literally see this, like when we were talking about how you can't play fucking Catan with you because not only do you cheat at Catan, you can't cheat at Mario party, but you just fucking are the worst person ever. Drew winning is like I've never wanted someone to lose.

So bad, and I win every time, and it's I prove I prove my haters wrong, Like my haters are my motivators, Like literally motivators exactly.

They're my motors.

But yeah, I just like, without a doubt, every single time fucking win.

What is this bitch doing.

I was gonna say she I think she's having a hard time getting on the other side. But literally, so, if you've never played Mario Party, it's a game made for fucking kids, so it's like really motivated to make sure everyone feels like they're having a fair game, which never fucking works on me. Apparently I played against all computers last night and still got fourth place, Like I always get third or fourth place. I don't know if I need to change the character I use, I use MONTI.

I just know, no doubt.

It's just like strategizing and it's literally not and you have to you just have to like let it ebb and flow with the game and like just let it be, and when you win, you brag and make everybody mad and then they start making bad decision.

The thing is, even when he's losing, he makes me pissed and he makes me like because at this point I know he's gonna win even if he's losing, so I don't have an inch of hope when I'm playing that game.

Literally, literally, I'll be a.

Hopeless fucking portal of doom for me.

You'll you'll be like miles ahead of me in the game, like winning, and I'll be like like, I just like I don't feel good, Like I don't even want to play this anymore. And then I come back and win but everything, or.

You're like you're like, oh, I'm not even stressed because I'm gonna.

Win, or I'm like like I just like haven't even been trying this game.

He makes you feel so stupid for winning too. That's what makes it worse is when you are winning, he's like, yeah, I just like feel bad for.

You, Like why would I want to win a stupid little game?

Yeah, Like at this point, like it's so easy, see, like I don't have to win anymore. And he'll will get to the end and who have zero stars and like three fucking coins and I'll have like three stars and be like, yes, I fucking won, And then he gets three bonus stars and wins. I'm I almost just knocked your girl down.

She no, she's she's good. She can be upside down.

But yeah, I think like we're just different. Some girls go to the VMA's and walk the carpet. Some girls play Mario Party for like the third hour in a row. I need to stream it. I'm gonna stream it Thursday night.

And it's also fucking crazy.

I'm like, I'm gonna stream Thursday night. Guys, this is coming out on Friday.

It's also crazy because it's all for me. It's all avoiding reality. I realize like, oh say, I fully realized that, Like I.

Am slippy from once my's on the same path.

Yeah, yesterday I was literally like, I was like, it's because we didn't play Mario Party. It's because it hit eight o'clock and I wasn't sitting on the couch of rotting into the middle playing Mario Party until one am. No.

Yeah, I'm fully fully slipping into this scary, scary, uh depression. I feel good today, but yesterday, I I literally was yesterday.

You know, when we're both in like a rut when all the lights on the in the house are off all day.

Yeah, we like turn the lights on all day like we just existed in darkness. Uh yeah, it's I feel better today though, but it's happening. You never know it's happening. I'm manifesting it.

I was like, I could either be like slipping into depression or wake up tomorrow feeling fine. But like it's always like in the morning, I'm like, if I wake up and keep myself a little busy, I'm like, okay, I'm okay. And then this second it is nighttime and I have nothing. If I'm not distracked, I'm like, oh, why am I?

What's the point? What's the point to all this?

The thing is like, what's even more fucked up is I think about this a lot, and I don't know about for you, but something about like I'm trying to think of how to word this because we were just talking about like the past two weeks how we were like, yeah, I feel literally nothing, like I don't feel anything. I feel very nominated.

It's all avoiding like that feeling.

Yeah, it's all like my brain, like our brains without us thinking to us about it. I think going into like almost like defending mode of yeah, like avoiding that feeling and just being like, oh, like I'm okay. I just like don't know, like I just don't care like.

I'm not gonna put because for me, it's like I don't if I think about it, it'll become my reality. I'm just gonna push it as far away as possible and just like do my silly little task in my video games until it hits full force, which is just like the worst advice ever, but yeah, just uh, it's been happening. The happening, the happening.

Of the depression.

I literally I do think. Kirshlan was just asking the other day. He was like, oh, do you guys think you have like seasonal depression? And I was like, oh no, But then I thought about it. And last year, just like this year, around this time, it's always like I hit a wall and I'm like, why do I feel like this? And of course there are always like little things that I could be sad about, whether it's like my fucking imposter syndrome attacking me or like any.

Other Oh my god, literally the imposter syndrome has been hitting I know.

I genuinely think that's why I feel this way.

Like the past like two weeks is like fully just like not thinking highly of myself at all, like seeing everybody do everything that I want to do and me not being able to do it because for reasons I don't understand. Also, like just not being able to understand why I'm not in these positions is driving me and saying I mean I understand like why I'm not because I literally don't fucking do anything I know.

But then it's like it's like the idea where some people were like the only like things standing in your way is like you, and I'm like no, because if I, like I think like that, then it becomes a perpetual cycle of like I'm the I'm the problem, I'm not enough, and I'm standing in my way and it's like, dude, these are like as much as I like to think that I have control over my mood, I don't. It's like genuinely probably gonna be something I battle for the

And it's like these like big visual cycles.

Yeah, visious cycles that are like much harder to get out of than you think. And then especially when you're in like a position where a lot of what you do is based on like you personally and how you portray yourself publicly, it becomes an even tougher game. Especially when you see people who are really good at doing it,

Yeah, they're still on top of the world.

And it's like, Okay, so this is just what I'm meant to be. It's like for lifers.

Me and my depression are for lifers. No, I had that thought today or I think I put it on my fence to story last night.

I was like, we both posted on our fences stories at the same thun girl.

We were alone in our bedrooms and our fucking feels. I was like, I was.

Like, please, God damn it. Like I genuinely like this cannot be for life.

Like I literally like.

I this this like cycle of like like highs and lows, like not even highs, just baselines and lows.

Like I just I really cannot go through this.

I mean, I literally am gonna figure out a way to fucking deal with it, or it'll just like fix itself, or I'll literally be do the smartest thing and fucking medicate myself.

But yeah, I don't know. I just like was really I was, I can't do the.

Like the like dips.

Yeah, it's so annoying.

But I was like I think about this a lot because I find myself craving being like fourteen to like sixteen again or like thirteen to sixteen again, a really odd often not because I'm like I miss being a teenager or whatever. But I'm like, oh, because I felt like such intense emotions through those ages. But the intense emotions I felt weren't good. It was like really really dark spots in my life, and I like crave those moments. But it's because like.

You get addicted, you get you get addicted to that feeling.

And also, if you're somebody who's like really struggled with depression, you have this false sense of what being happy is in your head. You're like, oh, like happiness. I'm sure when when I feel happiness, I'll know it because I'll be in the moment and I'll feel so fucking good and it'll like last for more than like a day, and like it'll be like for like months, I'm just every day I'm happy and I don't feel like this and like this isn't a feeling I have to battle.

Yeah, just like which is fucked up, like fully just being jaded to like yeah at everything.

Oh my god, I thought you caught a bug.

Oh no, my phone was falling.

But yeah, like I find myself just like when I get into these like really low lows like that, I'm like starting to like dip down into like it feels like I'm just like life. I'm not experiencing life at all, Like life is experiencing me.

I don't know how to word literally, you're going through like the motion I call it like survival most yeah.

Exactly, Like it's like okay, wake up, eat, stimulate brain, go to bed, and then that's like the three things that I like focus on throughout the day is like okay, like.

I can't.

Feel anything, so like I'm gonna play video games all day and live in this fake reality all day until like I figure something, figure it out, which is such a toxic cycle because you just like because when you're in when you're just not doing anything, you're not doing anything to better yourself, and.

Like yeah, and once you're like leaning into it, it's easier for it to consume you. But like you have no motivation to not do that. And then again, if you're someone who struggled, it like is almost appealing because it's just that comfort.

I was about to say say, it's like when you're in a.

Bad relationship and you know you should leave, but it's like I have comfort here.

Like I know this feeling exactly.

I was about to just say, like, and also it doesn't help that like it's so comfortable to just like lay in bed all day and be sad all day and like it it's just like it's really is like an addicting feeling where like okay, like I know that like I'm satisfuck, and I know how it feels to be satisfuck, and it's just like comfortable to be there. Like it's just like it's familiar, yeah, which is so.

Fucked up, like literally.

Evil, and I don't know. It's like again it'll it's like something that passes. But you know what like for me is the like when I get into these like funks me calling my depression of funk. I'm like, when I get into these funks, but when I get into it, probably the worst part for me personally is like those

I wake up in the first thoughts are negative. Yeah, that's when it's fucked up. That's when it's fucked up.

Is like literally when the very first thought in my brain when I wake up in the morning is just negative.

It's like like I always used to like when I was like struggling with like my mental health like in high school and shit, I always always like girl like shut the fuck up, Like like the first like I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, Like no, that's just corny, like you have to get out of bed. But genuinely, like these past like two years, that's like been like a very big part of like

Wanting to flake even if it's important, and being like I don't care, like I don't care if this doesn't work, like the day we want to the REP Talk convention. Sorry, I literally woke up and I was like I don't need to go, Like I like I'm doing this for what, Like I don't like I don't want to leave my bed,

Day today what just like like it's like you haven't worked at all?

Yeah, Like I haven't been doing anything, if anything. I like I need to, like I need to find motivation to work so that I can have all these things that I like dream.

Of, But.

It seems like such a big task and then I like exhaust myself mentally from that weirdly or I don't know, it's like my brain is like you need to rest, and I haven't done ship. I don't need to rest like I rest all night. I don't need to rest.

Like, oh, oh, this is this is you got me? Depress, Depress Grande. Got me again, Depress Grande.

It's Ariana Grande's sister.

Pressed personality ego her other ego. It's like how Beyonce has Sasha fears. It also doesn't help them. My fucking therapist isn't in town.

I'll be a therapist. Shut the fuck up, I'll be Come on, talk to me.

Come on and talk to me. Please open up to what therapists did that they would like be arrested.

Can we do like a fake therapy session where I'm your therapist they don't talk about anything real?

Yeah, okay, you want to know how they always start It puts on your mind. No, that's not how it ever goes. It's like I just had Obviously I'm somebody who has not.

Been No, I have been to therapy in my high school years. Just don't gnarly situation with that, so I just avoided it.

But yeah, therapy is the best thing of every dog for my life. Like literally, I buy so much stupid shit, and like I was thinking about it this morning when I was putting my shoes on, I was like, this is one of the best like purchases I've made because I didn't really want it, but like I wear these shoes every single day, and that's exactly how I feel about therapy is it's one of those things that I

If I didn't start there six feet under.

Oh, I was like really bad, Like I needed one so bad, Like I was. I wasn't like a bad person or anything, but like I like can't believe I was functioning like that, functioning with that one. Yeah, I was like, so whatever, that's a different conversation. But so they always go like this. It's like hi, and I'm like hi, and then it's like a moment of silence because I literally never know. I've been doing it for like almost three years and I never know how to start.

You got a lot on your mind?

No, I just have a big fucking mouth that maybe just shut the fuck up. Like, especially in our podcasting area, I find myself and I'm like, I'll literally be like going and realize I've been talking for formatus trait and Drew has not gotten a word, and then I'll just like get really quiet. But I'm bad at picking what time to get quiet. Yeah, Like like I don't do a good job of passing over the conversation. I fully go through every single thought that could be had about the topics, and I'm.

Like, and then you take my topics that I wanted to talk about and then run fourteen miles with him And I'm like, oh.

You know what it is, too is because we plan out the topics and then my brain is like on full like remember to say it, remember to say it, remember to say it. So I have to say it because if I don't like it will be gone forever.

Yeah, Hi, therapy bit go Hi, Hi how are you are you?

Way therapist, I'll be the therapist. We have to we have to range Drew into going back to therapy because he's had a traumatizing event with therapy and like you need to like you need to know that it can be a safe space. But that's probably the only time in my life I've had luck is getting a really good therapist on my.

Firstew you got as well. He's a pretty boy.

He was a piece of shit for like a year and a half. He was the worst caut ever. Okay, I'll be the therapist. Wait, is this our first session or like how we've been like doing this for a while.

This is our first session?

Okay? Hi? It is how you would say hi on your first session?

What up? I'd be like, what's up?

Hi? You sounds straight.

There's a lot to unpack there. There's a lot to unpack there. Should we go in there? An hour? What should we do? An hour?

Wait?

Should retur an hour later?

All right? Hi?

So what brings you in? You said in your email to me that this is your first time coming back to therapy and quite some time. Was there anything that maybe sparked that interest?

I just don't believe in therapists.

You know, you may find that a lot of clients of therapists walk into it with that feeling because there is such a harsh stigma on therapy, and there are many people like yourself who have had negative interactions with therapists. But I would like you to know that a part of this journey, it would be my job to make sure that you feel comfortable and safe in this space that we're creating together.

Well, I like being touched. I like being held and comforted physically. Can you do that for me?

Sadly, that is not something I'm capable of doing. Seeing Okay, he obviously is a narcissist with like self.

Loath these are talking therapists. Starts talking to.

Her, So, dude, I literally I was actually talking about therapists about how I think the words being throw around on the internet are so funny because it's like a fourteen year old being like, actually, I believe that this is like signs of being a self loathing, narcissistic.

Yeah, y'all shouldn't know that.

Like literally, get off your goddamn iPhone, Get off your iPhone.

Go down and just like tech, go to a high.

School, go to a high school football game, right, like, enjoy yourself there without being so introverted, not introverted, but like introspective and like thinking everyone is looking at you because no one gets a fuck. Literally, no one gets a fuck about you. Like I was that person in high school that like not in a.

Way that it's like you're useless or anything, but like literally it's like.

You know what it is, people spend more time thinking about themselves than they do.

Think I was about to say what it is is especially I don't know if this is for everybody, but for me, the reason why I was so goddamn insecure was because I was the person judging everybody around me for what they did, Like everything, every move that someone made, every every thing someone said, like whatever, it was like I was.

I was the judgmental person.

And then that made me believe everyone was doing the same thing to me, when in reality, no one is looking at you and having these thoughts, and if they are, that's their fucking own problem.

So like, literally, I don't know.

I take with that, what you will, like, stop being so judgmental, and you'll stop being so insecure. And that's what worked for me is I stopped looking at other people and giving a shit, And that's perfect.

I think it's literally just also, don't unless your life goal is to be like a therapist or a psychiatrist or work in the like that department. You're gonna have a very hard time going through life if you look at everybody and start throwing on these and yeah and diagnosing them when in reality, like most people you meet

I don't give them excuse, But don't look at.

Your high school friends unless they're like genuinely being like morally corrupt to you and like hurting you. If your high school friend is like maybe not super open about like their feelings or like doesn't like give them most in a friendship, like y'all are still high schoolers. I was like a I personally gave nothing.

Yeah, no one knew nothing about me.

Yeah, Like I literally not even until I moved to LA did I even start to kind of open up to my friends.

This just sparked a crazy thought in my brain. But like I see a lot of comments like on whether it's our videos, Josh's videos, your videos, the podcast, Dana's videos, whatever. It is, Like I wish I had friends like this, Like I like I long for like friendships like this, Like when I was y'all's age, I didn't have friends

But yeah, I like, I can't speak from experience because I didn't have I can't speak from the experience of what having close friends in high school how that can benefit you. But I didn't have that and I it never But I guess the difference was it never bothered me because.

I almost I knew I wouldn't be able to because like I had such a busy and like strict home life, Like I like didn't get to go out with friends because like my dad was just like always worried about us getting involved in shit, and like he didn't want that to happen.

And also on top of everything, like we had younger siblings and my parents worked all the time, so I was always home watching my younger siblings. Like there was so much happening in my personal life that I like couldn't make time for that. And I also did not crave that at all for some reason, like I was.

That's another thing to be said, is like all these like friendships and relationships you have now, like like I'm only speaking to like young younger people because it is a completely different and also it's a different experience for everybody.

After I mean during college, or like even after.

Like that's why even in college, you're still in a position where like these are people who are like available to you, and you make the best out of those situations. And not to say you can't find good friends as a situation, but o those situations because I have like cyrus Aicard, like like I know a bunch of people from high school who I'm still like not the closest to, but I like still like hold those relationships to my

Sometimes I feel like most of our audiences our age. I feel like most of them, at least, like the like analytics on my video like say that they're like older, which is awesome.

Yeah, I feel like maybe because it's like.

Like they grew up with us, which is so fucking cool.

Yeah, But what I was trying to say is like it's easy to to like believe that you guys should have friends like we do, but you have you also have to think about the odd fucking circumstances me Drew and our friends fell into it. It really is not common, and it's also really not that common to have friend groups like ours. It's just it is a very not to be like we're so fucking special because we all

Because yeah, it's unobtainable, Like we're unobtainable.

Like everything we do and say is just like you can't have it.

And that's why we'll be hosting the Emmys.

Yes, that's our announcement for this podcast is We're hosting the twenty twenty two Emmys.

So excited. We're being dressed by Derek Glasglow.

Okay, Derek, Okay, why the fuck has said Derek hit us?

I know, Like, why hasn't Mark Jacobs hit us up again?

Send us?

Yeah, to send mister Mark.

Mark make we're thinking of you.

We're the Mark Barbies, Like did you forget about us?

We have a picture of Mark up on the wall for the next episode and someone from the team is gonna send it to me. It's gonna be like.

No, no, no, no no no.

Take it down. Blow them u one of the pictures of him from from under the glass and like put it up.

Like how the fuck do they have that?

How do they have Derek glass Glow? That's not his name.

It's probably like Blasberg or something like that from Louis or fashion YouTube.

Derek, let me know.

We've even like touched on fashion YouTube. That's why.

No, that's me.

This entire week, I'm like I'm struggling with like okay, like I want to be there, but what if I contributed to the fashion space? I mean I'm serving looks today like I'm giving like what was supposed to be gave.

Like I hit the Yeah.

I think what it is is because we both like are like feel confident about the way we dress, so we just believe we should be there, but that's literally everybody on planet Earth. Like we are no different, Like.

I think you should be, like I should not be in any of those spaces. But bitch, you have influenced the younger generation of fashion so much more than any like I will say it with my fucking chest, than any other fucking person on the Internet period. What happens is these other bigger creators and influencers see the way you're dressing, mimic it, tone it down, take it for

I don't know. I think like at this point, I'm just like, the Internet is so big and I don't it's gone beyond it's beyond me. So I don't know if like I have, I don't know. It's that weird thing of like I'm not trying to sit here and be like I do things. I don't know. I just

To go invite just we're like, just invite us.

And then every time we talk about going to event where like we got belliterally drunk, we stole.

Something, we're evil, we're obnoxious, demen kill.

Me, slay may. Yeah, I just like, bitch, let me go, here go, here go.

What else is there to talk about?

I was gonna say something else and then I complete left for loot. But I think we I don't know, is this our first like serious episode where we talk about something like that.

I don't know.

We should put a trigger warning in the beginning though, we should be.

Like depression depress. It's always like like I never I've found and I talk about this in like a YouTube video that I want to post, but I find I'll say it here too. I find that, like as I I don't know that I'm necess growing as like an influencer anymore again, But that's like my imposter syndrome. I like literally think by each year, I'm like less and less important, and hopefully by like the age twenty five, I'll just be like nothing to everybody.

And we can move away and I'll go live in.

The fucking villages. I'll go live in the pilgrimage. I obviously don't actually want that. I would like to be successful and like be like an actress or some shit at some point, but whatever. As I like get older on the Internet, I don't know that I've ever been super super open like I think I've done a good job of being like very expressive and serious about where I'm at in my life and the things I've experienced without being so vulnerable that I feel like everybody knows

Yeah, that's like something I've been like over the last two years, just like completely just being unrelatable, like not on purpose, I just like or kind of on purpose, Like I don't want people to know to know these things. And I think that's like a huge part of being an influencer though, is being relatable and like being vulnerable and whatever.

Yeah, I just like, I'm, yeah, I'm I have a hard time li.

I just want to be uber a list celebrity.

Everyone knows everything about me, even if I don't want to too. And then but I also have eighty million dollars and can retire for the rest of my life and never say anything to anybody and just let people's opinions fester about me.

See, I want like the complete opposite, but kind of like I just want to be like solid enough in grounding and in life and feel like I can do what I want.

Oh, I don't want that.

I was like, I was like that was really off the wall and like probably the most. Like I was, like, we learned something new every day.

No, I genuinely want to win the lottery and disappear.

That's my goal.

I just want to be able to like create good.

I haven't been manifesting that recently. Actually, I need to start manifesting that.

You were trying to manifest you winning the lottery since twenty eighteen, and you did it for two years and it didn't happen.

I just haven't been buying lottery tickets. That's the thing. I don't know if y'all know this about me, but in my.

Lifetime, somewhere in my lifetime, I will win the lottery, and there's no way around it. It will be. It's just in my cards. I truly believe that it's in my cards. And eventually it'll happen. It'll become a reality, and I'll be rich over night and y'all will never.

See me again.

I'll just move away, and yeah, that's gonna be my new life. I'll probably buy, like, I don't know where, I'd probably live in the French breeze countryside.

I'd probably buy a chateau.

I'll always say that, and it pisses me off. Because I don't want you to live in France because there our time difference and like how long it would take me to get to France would like destroy a relationship.

If that's what happens, that's what happens. Man. For anything from my sheep, anything from.

My sheep, my sheep, Well, you're a fucking sheep.

Damn all the people getting vaccines, y'allar sheep, your your sheps and ya sheep person.

But yeah, I literally I don't fucking know, man, I could, I could talk about this forever, but yeah, I guess. Also I've said this before. It's like I got a

Oh, that's literally just like brain chemistry. Shit, brain is off. Not everyone's is.

Come on, girl, everybody feels like this, man. But yeah, I don't know. But again, I also understand that seeing someone like in me and Drew's position and knowing that we still struggle could also be like calming for your brain and feel good. Drew's literally getting ready for his fucking media and that's why he's like not saying anything because he's looking through his goddamn letterbox right now.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

All right. With all that being said.

Doozy man, I know we started it was so fun and then got.

So deep episode.

Let us know if you like that, But if you don't like it, don't fucking say shit, because I'll stop the fuck out of you.

Yeah, keep your negative criticisms and thoughts to yourself at all times. I genuinely believe that, like, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say no.

Sometimes I like to be told if something I'm doing a stupid I like need that because I like, oh, maybe I don't because I always think what I'm doing is stupid. So maybe the last thing I need to be told.

Is like, yeah, reinforcing that.

Yeah, you're right, you're dumb. Are you gonna go first? Or are you gonna fucking like sit down forever?

Bitch? I don't know. I haven't watched anything. I don't have anything.

We watched the Arrival together?

Oh yeah Rival?

Yeah?

Wait?

Did we talk about that in the last episode? No? Maybe we did?

Did I think we did?

Did we? Okay, I'm gonna say, dude, I think I like said these movies in my last fucking the last episode, I talked, yeah, because I talked about the Farewell, I talked about Arrival. I don't know if I talked about letter Room. But I need to watch Marriage Story because the guy from letter Room is in it. What's his name, Adam d Elvira?

Wait?

Is this the same guy?

No?

Not? No, you're thinking of marriage. Oh did I already said marriage story? I meant to say, like, it's like, it's the fuck. Sorry, I'm like, I can't think of the name. Way, it's fucking it's like a look into a marriage or something. It's like, not it's marriage story. No, ruh, right, fucking kidding me, I can't think of the name. Wait, guys, marriage HBO Max. It's like on HBO Max scenes from

Ooh nice nice, nice, nice, nice nice. Oh.

And I started marvelous missus Masel and I literally fucking love it. And I'm already on season two and they're in Paris right now. Spoiler. But I want to go so fucking bad and I'm gonna die.

Mark Jacobs fly us out to Paris.

JU go go for your thinking.

Um okay, well, since I didn't watch really anything watch um, I just have a bunch of movies and some I don't feel comfortable suggesting because they're really gnarly.

Um do you want me to say by music? Yeah, okay, here's my music.

Fuck.

I I like literally can't remember what I said last week, so I'm scared I'm gonna repeat. But City Moon by Flux, Yeah, City Moon by Flux, that whole album is really fucking good. I'm just so different and I listen to like like artists on Spotify, was like, no fucking follower, I'm just really different. And then hmmm, I like, I'm still such a bitch and I'm like gatekeepy as fuck and it's so annoying because I like don't want to do that.

Remember when I told you to watch it and you ignored me?

Yeah, I know. And sometimes like I just ignore people and it's good for them, Like it's good. It like reinforces you that the things you say as a man are unimportant and that's why I do it.

Wow, seriously, what the heck? What the heck is wrong?

Yeah, any Blossom Deary song? But baby you're my kind and hey John or my favorite right now? Saving all my love for you? Was it like in My Shadows everything on the Blossom Dearies Sings album.

You have been listening to us so much?

Yeah, I know, Sunday Afternoon, I'm shadowing you.

Somebody is a Sunday Afternoon, Monday Sunday after.

And yeah I'll stop there with music Packed my Bags by Rufus and Choco Tom Yeah, and like because I've been re listening to that. But yeah, I could go on about mus forever.

Music nerd.

Okay, So my movie that I say y'all should or that I want you to go watch is House nineteen seventy seven, The House.

I want to keep the cover what I'm thinking of.

Yeah, I think it's like the perfect horror movie ever made. It's like kind of campy, it's like it's it's just really really good and it's like a great start to October spooky, spooky season. And yeah, it was just done really well. And if I mean, I'm sure literally everyone listening has probably seen it because it's like so known, but.

Go check it out if you haven't.

It's House nineteen it's the name of it is House, but to find it put in nineteen seventy seven. And then my music for the week is less Talk, More Rock by Freeze Pop Botanic Panic by Christopher.

Magdylan Maddigan Madigan It's from the cup Head soundtrack.

And then I literally didn't look what You.

Touch It by Buster Rhymes because I love the intro Touch it bang?

Is that it man?

And it's a man?

Yep. That's my media for the week.

Go put it in your playlist, put it on your watch list, Get into it, yeah, get into it.

Yeah. Oh.

Also, final note Doja Cat is a fucking born to be pop.

She is the next I mean she's already the eight geirl, but she will be solidified in human there she'll be like yeah, she'll she'll be around forever.

You can perform, she can make a hit.

There's not as there's not many people out right now that I can say that about. But with my whole chest, Dojo will be iconic forever pop star.

Yea, all right bye, So