Drew’s Hat of Terror

You have to look me eyes. Why don't you look at me eyes? Because I'm my wife and looking at people in your eyes. Look me in my eyes. Welcome back to this episode emergency.

And look you see it's because you're not knowing this is that's not wrong. Welcome to this episode. We said welcome back by accident.

Look welcome.

Look me in the eyes. You're scared of me. That's gonna be one of the things people click when they're like, I just can't believe she would do that to him.

His trauma is so unnoticed, His trauma's overlooked. It's crazy how my trauma is literally over.

It's not my fault. You're a whole, but you do that to yourself. What am I am? I wrong?

I mean, it's just it really is hard for me to exist on this platform with two people who treat me like fucking garbage and don't take into account that I am human.

I knew you were a human hole.

I didn't think you were I am a garbage disposal.

Disposal. You're the only person who says that word like.

That because it's the right way to say it is. I think it's just it's we've had this conversation before. But it's it's spelled garbage disposed, all like you're disposing everything. But everybody says garbage disposal. But what if what the fuck is a disposal?

It's the thing pronunciation. Let's see.

Oh yeah, turn it up, garbage disposal exactly, saying.

No, you want so you're you're gaslighting me.

That's not how you were saying disposal.

That's how you are saying.

You were different.

Yeah, you were saying, I.

Feel like both of us should kill yourself. I don't know how many times I have to say it. Just do it, please. We're begging. Everybody's begging. All of the people are begging. They want it.

I'll actually do it.

Well, that's okay, Like we like, literally whatever you want me to do. I'm gonna be honest.

I don't know if that many people will be like that sad about it, but like him saying to me is a big deal.

Okay, okay, welcome back to Emergency and to Come. I'm Drew Phillips and this is our podcast.

And here we have fun. We let loose.

We just say what we want to say.

He was at the top of our brains.

Should we talk about what happened last night and how I saved your life?

What happened last night?

Hello?

Oh the mass attack? Yeah, the massive.

Attack we went out for.

Like I wouldn't say you saved my life, I saved. I'd say you were quick on your feet and that you.

Saved your life.

I had this situation under control, but you butted in and then you saved my life and turned.

So without me, you would be that probably m m. I think some would argue yes. But so last night we got home and we were so tired, but I was like, you know what, I've been wanting to go to this photo booth because this one person made up this thing where it was like going to photo booths.

You do you know what that is?

Do you know what a photo booth is?

Yeah?

Oh well I just like learned what it was. But before I explain what it is to you because I still don't.

Oh wait, Brian, he invented the photo boo. I forgot he invented that. Wow, so he was the first person to do that.

Yeah, So like he like, I don't know how to explain it. He like, I don't even know how he made the machine. But someone else made a machine, and I know where a machine is. So I was like, I'm gonna go to the machines because now they're like widely available post that. So I wanted to go to like this one spot we go to that's cute because I had a lot to get off my chest to my girl.

So I was like, let's go, and.

Like we literally had a key.

Yes, I was like, we need to go somewhere and like I need to like express myself on a deep level. So we went and I cried, Yes, I cried in public.

I love doing it.

Before we get into it, I will say. And yeah, that night I was I'm not even just saying this. I was literally like taken aback by your beauty in that room. And I'm not even just saying that, Like I literally there. I caught myself in moments when you were like telling you telling us what you were telling us, like where I was like holy shit, like you are like a gorgeous person. And then I also had a moment where I saw you and I was like, holy shit,

Life, thank you. I wish you know what it is. My best lighting is dim lighting, That's what it is.

Like.

My best lighting is like a.

Bar lighting where it's like kind of dim and then there's like just enough light to like light my face but not like with an orange hue.

Like ambient lighting is my most flattering light.

Yeah, girl, turn off the lights.

Yeah, Like I look when you can kind of barely see me and everybody has a drink in them.

The like squint and it's really loud. Okay, now you're like going and you like can't see anything because of.

How loud it is.

It's messing with your other senses, like your vision, so you're just seeing things like more beautifully because like.

You know, like how you have to turn down the radio to like listen to directions. That's what it's like like listening to loud music. It's hard to hear a conversation.

Don't look at me right now when you say that, You're like looking directly into my eyes, freaking me out.

No, I don't like you. I don't like you.

God see see see So.

We were at this fucking I'm like to go to my whole cooo chee.

Coming out, I have my feet.

On a sofa. I don't know where I've been looking this entire time. I think I've been looking into the linbs.

So whatever we were there, we like had this like moment do.

The hat bit.

It was sweet. It's not too late.

Well you called it out now, so like, whoa, the way you're sitting is crazy.

Anyway, So we went here. It was nice.

Then we like left and me and Elsie were like, we want something sweet, like maybe we get a little candy.

The sweet in question British poppers. That's the sweets in question, British British branded poppers. I've never seen that in my entire life, and you that's what you got.

Yeah, because I take risks different than like normal American.

Was actually way more.

What's different is that a human probably should have be putting that to their nose, like it's literally it felt like if I went straight up to a like try like if I went to a gas nozzle and started pouring gas on the floor and put my nose right to the stream and some of it got.

Up my nose. Those poppers right now, Oh my god, make my job.

You can't make him do drugs like it's literally like four pm.

I don't give a buck. We run this company different. You're going to get in trouble sniffers.

No, no, don't.

Actually please don't do it because you will pass You will actually pass away.

How big would it get? How sticky would it get?

Your whole? Yeah, we're recording this.

Bitch, Oh, this is we started.

You're I hope you're happy that this will be your last job that you will be able to get, because I don't know where else you're gonna take this resume.

I know that's the crazy thing.

Like I've actually thought about that if I ever had to like apply to LinkedIn again, they'd be like, all right, we're just gonna like check in on what he's been up to. And I'm just like talking about making boba and doing poppers.

Goohead, bitch.

I hope, I I hope you never work another day in this fucking town.

Bitch? What was it wrong about?

Okay, So we left this bar, we go around the corner and we go to this deli because while we were walking past it, the tiniest fucking baby kittens were in there. They should not have been in there be they were also on the floor so young.

They were like the smallest little baby kittens ever.

Well insert they were so fucking cute. And we were just hanging out and there petting these kittens. It was the best time ever. And then yes, something was.

Purchased, something sweet was purchased.

And then but on our way out, we were like walking out and by this point I was the only one who had, like I had like two and a half drinks. It wasn't even the full three because I was like splitting one of them, but I had almost like three drinks.

So I was like feeling myself.

I was a little to drink water.

Yeah, water.

I drank a cup of winter because.

He's a fucking loser, because I take.

Care of myself. And I love my body, do you though, No, I hate my body. I hate I love my body. I hate my body.

The girls with their guns. That's like the best vine ever.

Okay, So we like walk out and this man comes up to us with a city bike.

He's like rolling a city bike and he comes up to us and he is covered in blood.

Oh okay, he came up to us and we were like I saw I spotted him from across the way and I was like, oh, like he's probably lost and needs help. He's like shirtless and sweaty, and I was like, okay, my like my instincts were telling me like, okay, be careful here. He came up and we we saw like this ship down his neck and we were all like,

Like and he looked like peeking on a dreadaline.

Yeah, he was.

He was other than whatever else was in his system, Like he looked like ready to go.

Every fiber in my being was like, please don't come up to us. Like we had locked eyes when he was across the street, and I knew he was gonna come up to us, and he did. He came up to us, and my fight or flight like immediately kicked in. Like I had so much a dream. I was like, I'm about to have to like beat this fucking dude up or some shit. I didn't know what the fuck was gonna happen, because like he was obviously like on something in.

The right state, yeah, and like and also covered him fucking.

Bloody, so like, yeah, of course my brain was like, Okay, we're gonna have to figure this shit out. But then he's he asked us something like do you know which way's Brooklyn, and like I were in started stuttering like crazy, like it was like the worst performance ever. I was like, and then ya steps in and.

Then I was just like, I like wasn't really assessing. I like, obviously I was like, oh, he's covered in blood, how odd. But because I was like just kind of drunk, I was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry we're not from here. And I couldn't even tell you where we are right now, Like I like said something like that to him. I don't know what I said, but I was just like, oh my god, I'm so sorry we're not from here. And then he was like okay, and I was I don't even know if I made any other comment.

We were like okay. I was just like okay, and.

Then we just kept walking and I got out of there immediately.

I was like, fuck this, y'all for some reason started like kind of loitering, and I was like, we gotta go, and I started walking across the street, and then you started walking the other way. Y'all started walking with me, and then y'all turned around and walked back towards him and then walked the other way, and then y'all were like, no, we.

Didn't walk towards him as we were crossing. As we were crossing, the light had changed and a man behind the man who was at the front of like the line of cars, honked and me and Elsie were like, oh, this light just changed and now we're.

In the middle of the street.

So that's why we turned and then we just walked the other way because the guy was starting honk, and in my head, I was like, I don't want these motherfuckers start honking. And this crazy motherfucker's like, who's honking at me?

Why just keep walking? Ignore the honk and keep walking.

Well, I fucking lived and I saved your life, and there should be a little bit more stick. You know what, Next time, I'll let you sot your way into a stabbing.

Next time, I'm going to get stabbed in front of you, and it's going to change the directory of.

Your life forever.

Yeah, because I'm about to get hell of You's and post that shit on the podcast, and I'm gonna pull up to the hospital you're being held in and put the mic like you're gonna be like laying down because you're like so like wounded. I'm gonna lay the mind next year, and I keep talking on the podcast. But we like just went down and we were sitting at this booth and like Drew was like, is he there?

Is he there? And I was like, dude, like he's down the street.

But I think he's like just off of us, because I was like, oh, I think because I spoke to him like a normal human, he just was like you passed. Like that's what it felt like. It literally felt like, okay, you passed, and like it just felt like we were on like what would you do? And because we just treated it normally and moved on, he just like moved off of us.

And he was just like loitering in front of the.

Deli we were by, and we were like, okay, we need to call a car and just like get out of here. So like Drew called an uber and we're like sitting there waiting for the uber and then when we get back in the uber, like he had kind of like I feel like gotten out of our uscape and we didn't know where he went, so we were like this fucking card used to hurry so we don't get murdered.

Were getting our uber and we see his bike is parked in the middle of the road where we were and like he's screaming at like everyone that's pass Like like I don't want to mimic it because it's crazy, but he was like yelling at every literally and like freaking the fuck out and like charging at people, and like he's like the car. He's running at our car and I'm in the back of the Uber and I'm like please, like go, like just run, like go. He's gonna start banging on the window.

There was a group house out of the bar we were at.

He was like like running after this group of like thirty people and like like a bunch of.

Other people were on bikes and he had gotten off his bike. He was like running after them.

It was crazy, Like it was so good, Yeah, exactly. It was like five five minutes after he has he was like kind of normal with us. He like snapped and was like yelling at everybody. No.

I literally think we just got lucky because I couldn't gauge my danger that I was like, oh, I'm so sorry, like I don't know, and then he was just huh yeah.

Drew and Elsie went dead silent, and I was like, oh, I actually don't know, like I'm so sorry. We're not from here.

And then he was like okay, and I was like I think I made a comment like hope you find your way, like I said something.

I don't remember exactly what I said. But then we just moved on. But like as we walked away, I was like, oh, that was.

Somebody who was probably going to murder us, like because he was covered in blood. I'm curious how his night progressed. That he has a city bike, Like did he take the city bike from somebody he got into a fight with because I was standing with his lift fucking app like, oh yeah, maybe he was drunk and fucking.

Fell That's what I think. I think he was like inebriated and fell off his bike.

But he was shirtless and he wasn't carrying a shirt.

It's a hot night, that's true. It's a hot night in New York.

It's a beautiful night. We look at phones. Something dumb to do?

Hey, Bay you be, I think, And that was our story of how I saved our life. And it was like, honestly, like it's just easy for me, like someone like me, like you know how Harry Saws is like treat people with kindness I don't even have. I don't feel like I have to live by that because.

I naturally do.

That's part of your character.

Yeah, and giving head is a part of that too. But oh are you soft serving right now?

Yeah? Oh yeah. In the car. In the car, everybody's like we went saft served, we went soft served. And I was like, and I gave.

The only one like a soft serve because I can only do a full forcer.

But Drew was in the craziest mood in the car.

He was literally passing away and his phone died, so he was like fully tapped out of reality because he couldn't just turn off his brain and scroll TikTok.

He like, yeah, like, what are you actually? I don't know what you're supposed to do in the car anymore, Like if you don't have a phone, I don't know what you're supposed to do.

I'm the opposite because I get so fucking car sick. I'm like I don't like, I don't know how y'all are using your iPhone in the car and not wanting to throw up. Oh my god, you bitch, ass liar bitch.

I'll just j stop interrupting us. I'll play with you in the backseat.

Yeah, but yeah, Drew was just like going on like a delusional loop.

And we passed the smoke shop.

Did you ever go to the website Aliens?

Oh? No, I never went.

We bought the smoke shop and he was like, Elsie's phone was the only one on, and he was.

Like, write that down, write that down. Wasn't saying what he was but I saw. I was like Aliens dot com.

I just wanted to see their website.

He was like write it down. He was like no, And then we passed like three shops. We saw an ice cream shop. He's like, I'm gonna make tonight about me and we need to go get ice cream. And then he was like, fuck, what was I just saying to write down? And we were like Aliens dot com. It doesn't even Oh no, it's a L Y E E n S.

Dot com. You're gonna get a virus, like immediately.

It's I think it was written down and spelled wrong.

Or that's just the name of the shop. It's like it's like.

Stupid.

Also, that's like sushi dot com at that like random ass mall. We went to a random ass mall in Hicksville and the rest one of the restaurants was just called sushi dot Com, which is honestly so lit. It was like sushi dot com Italian food. Like it was like one of those setups where like all of the restaurants were just like what the food was, Like, they weren't giving them names anymore.

It was like sandwich.

It was fake food.

Yeah, it was not real.

It was like ghost kitchen food.

We need a ghost kitchen.

No one's addressing the pandemic that is ghost kitchens.

I think it kind of died down. I think ghost kitchens.

Was like a huge It's still a thing, but I'm thinking about like influencer ghost kitchen.

Remember when.

Everybody just like was a order from my place on Postmates?

Yeah, literally, or like get my food truck.

Yeah, it was like what why, Like, no.

I don't want your food like you post tiktoks.

Also you post made Chick fil A every single night.

You think I'm gonna trust whatever food, you're hot running through a ghost kitchen.

No, I'm just not well. No one is talking about how devastating of a day I had yesterday. I woke up to quite possibly the worst news of my life. And actually, I'm not kidding. Not a soul set a thing to me.

I literally was texting you about it.

It's like it's fucked up. No, actually, I am like a little bit offended by everyone's behavior in the moment except for you. You were the only one that like actually treated me with fucking respect. But my fucking Spotify account got deleted and banned.

Okay, I just I do understand how deep it is because it's like a catalog of like all of your things, and it's like, this was my moment and I had this soundtrack, so I do understand. But I thought you were going to say something completely different, and something.

Happened, like are you crying? You're it's okay to cry? Boys cry too.

Oh now boys are allowed to cry, but three episodes ago, boys weren't allowed to cry.

People change, Yeah, thank you, thank you? Yeah cry bitch?

Would you want to be so bad?

You're a little bitch?

Oh my god? But yeah, my Spotify account got deleted, and I thought about it, like a couple months ago, we had this conversation. I had this conversation with someone and I was like, dude, like, it is kind of terrifying how I don't own my music, Like I don't own CDs of it, I don't own it on like iTunes.

It's like twenty because I my Spotify account. I had two.

So I went through like losing my Spotify because I basically gave it to my fucking dad. And now, like it's not like I could go back and look at like, oh, how often did I listen to this?

Because it's like, I'm.

Glad you liked listening to Jay Bellivan every day for three hours for the past five years.

Yeah, my account was I shared it with like a couple of my buddies in high school.

So like, well, so, yeah, you've had it for like a long time. You've had it for like six I've had it on sophomore year.

But they just banned you, right, they weren't like I.

Think his account is like gone.

I think it's gone.

Oh I know what you could do just make an account and follow yourself, so then you could be paying for two accounts.

Literally, that's a good idea. Hold on, what were you saying, Kai.

Oh you can you can mirror your Spotify to like deezer or something.

No, that's what I think I got banned for is like using an illegal app, and I feel like.

But I feel like you've done that and that hasn't happened to your account.

No, I only only do it with Deezer because all the apps that I used your nuts?

Are these your nuts?

God? Dude, God damn wait, who was your.

I just can't laught. We would as this is actually the craziest, Like this was probably rock bottom for me. It was like, actually it was real rock bottom, but we would after.

Rock bottom, after rock bottom.

Yeah, yeah, this is real rock Bottom.

Wait, I'm sorry. Oh it's funny that it's about rock bottom.

Oh, miss, I'm going to rock your bottom.

Oh that was good.

Yeah, there was something there, but she missed it.

But no.

We were at like dinner yesterday and one of the people at dinner is from South Carolina, and I was she was just like talking about being from South Carolina, and I was like, oh, I have a friend from South Carolina. And I said it genuinely, and I believe that I had someone that I knew personally from South Carolina. And then I thought about it and I was like, holy shit, like I don't know this person at all. And the even sadder part about it is this part

I've never but you've shared intimacy with that.

Yeah, exactly. And it was almost the first person I've ever subscribed to on OnlyFans, But since OnlyFans doesn't take AMEX, they wouldn't let me, so I just have to read their Twitter bio and know that they're from North Carolina.

So your your parasocial relationship with this porn star is so deep, Yeah, that you think that.

You know, yeah that I genuinely was like, I mean there's something to that. My friend.

I feel like this is my friend.

I mean we jerked off together.

Like that's the crazy thing is like of all parasocial like relationships, I feel like that like makes sense because like, in a way, you had intimacy with someone.

The deepest form of human connect connection. Whoa holy shit, that.

Was a good from like your crazy stun. Also, every time you do.

This and look at me, it looks like you're smelling your armpit, and I thought that's what you were doing when your fake crying. I was like, is he like acting like he's crying so we can smell his fucking armpit right now?

Basically spotify fuck you actually.

No, please no, I love you?

You know you know, oh you know?

All right, hold on, I have to like close the blinds because the sun is like in your face.

It's fine, I just don't want you to wait.

You have a hat.

Oh you have a hat.

Yeah, that's your hat that you have that you just have on standby to block out the sun.

That's your hat. Well it literally works.

It just like you know, it's like works almost too. It's blocking the sun from me.

You're welcome.

Where did you get that?

Yeah?

Like what where did you pull it from?

It was down here.

I didn't even notice it.

Yeah, it's basically a stool. I use it as a stool.

It's like ten pounds.

Oh it is ten pounds. It's comedic. Garson firsts next calm, I got it? Like that?

Is it?

Well?

Is this one real though?

Because I know the other one was really fucking fake? Oh you left the tag on? Why did you leave the tag on?

For proof?

Because no one will or to return it because you can't afford it.

You bitches are so fucking mad that I have the coolest hat ever. That's the thing. It's giving.

It moves, no bitch like. It's like it's giving like a pilgrimage.

It's giving high fashion. It's giving swag.

That's swag. It's giving.

It's giving. I get bitches, it's.

Giving like I have a about to explode because I can't keep it any longer.

It looks like a lego hat.

It's crazy. Is it hollow?

Oh?

Yeah yeah, I keep things in here too sometimes.

Can you can you hold my water? Do you think you could?

Or?

Like?

Oh yeah, obviously it's like what it's made for.

That's what it's made for.

This is a little too.

Bad, But I store my iPhone in here. It's like really nice.

Why why would anybody want to store their iPhone in their hat.

If you don't have pockets. If you don't have pockets, you just put your phone in your head, I guess.

But then what if your hat falls off? I feel like that's a really prone to falling off hat. Like what if someone's mad at you and they could just fucking swing your hat off?

Are you getting a phone.

Call right now? I'm getting a phone call. Oh yo, hey you absolutely I was just gonna be like you almost hear.

Dude.

I'm so happy we were locked in, Like we did not plan that out. I turned NYA, was going to do it where you call?

When when the call happened, I was like, who did that?

I know that we were really locked in?

Wait can you hit that?

Why?

Because seeing you hit a jewel and this like pilgrimage hat is crazy.

I don't like that. Don't don't rub the rim.

Oh it's like the cowboy hat thing, like tipping your hat?

Oh can I try it on? But it looks good on me?

You cannot try this on. Oh my god, this is made for men.

Whoa clothing like doesn't like girls like.

Clothes should wear girls. A girl should wear girls clothes. Men should wear men clothes. And that's it.

You're not wearing this, that's your sayment, that's all.

I will die on that hill.

I will die on the hill if that skirts are for girls. Kid, cutting your your day.

Is coming the second time we've hated my head can like go in this?

It looks longer on any for some reason?

Are you saying that I have a big head?

That's what they know.

No, that's just what they say about me.

I'm not.

It's crazy how I have haters in the room.

I think you look good. I think you look really handsome.

Silent haters.

I don't think He's not silent though he's like openly like being kind of mean to you.

So I think, I.

Mean, I think that's pretty like cool of him. And it is weird because he's teetering on the edge of you fired. He's like on a constant loop of that.

But like I mean, like complimenting a threat to you, Drew, I feel like we need to unpack that, honestly.

Because wait, why are you hitting on me?

I feel like I need to unpack these fists.

I feel like I need to direction unpack my butthole.

Okay, onto, Drew, true, if you're going to hit me, hit me.

Honestly, I feel like every time I do an episode, I'm making you better.

The fun out.

I mean, this is kind of nice being in here.

It smells like Drew shut out.

It smells like me though. Oh it's on, It's really on.

Its stuck on you? Was it actually stuck not.

For a second, but then when he started yanking, it went to an angle and it like was grabbing my earrings.

And you pushed it down on my face and it like hit the bridge of my nose and I sore for like half a second. You broke my nose. No, don't do it again, please because it actually hurt.

Yeah, bitch, personally shut.

Sorry.

Drew's wind chimes are going on, the Rangel wind chips.

The ring. The tone is so embarrassing, like the like ring like when chimes is so embarrassing.

And every time I'm anywhere.

It looks good. You guys look beautiful.

I can still wear the basics like a very scary you want.

To compliment me, but you don't want to put.

Out Yeah, you're being like the ultimate tease.

Like I'm like, employee, that's fucking weird to say, Okay, that insection is gonna agree with me.

Fuck them.

When are you in that restaurant yesterday? Did you hear me doing fart sounds in the bathroom?

No, dude, I don't think you were.

I think you had already gone into the bathroom or you moved.

And the person who was outside, that woman who was outside of my door, I think she heard all of that because I kept.

Going up to the door and I was like, no, I didn't know. I don't think we heard it because I was standing right next to her. I think she was like, if she gave you any sort of energy, it was because you opened the door and as someone with like carrying like thirty pounds of glass cups was walking by and you almost like hit him, and I was like can you no, no, no, but like nothing happened. But I think she may that may have been the energy, but we could not hear you making for it.

So that's embarrassing though, because that means I was just.

In the bathroom like peeing and making force I was doing it for so long, Like.

I was, like, guy's been doing this thing recently where he doesn't lock the bathroom door, which I think it's on purpose so people see him defecating and walk in on him using the restaurant.

It's true, that's crazy. Yeah, every every time I've gone you're weird to your pooh in the bathroom in New York, I haven't locked it because it's like cool to be like, oh, at any moments and we could come in and I would be in this like compromising position right there.

Man, Come on, man, why is every security guard the oldest person I've ever seen? No, but actually, why are they the oldest people ever? I know?

Like, I'm sorry, I'm running. I'm running.

I know I'm supposed to trust my life at Like I was at the bank and I'm not kidding. This man was ninety eight years old. He was literally withering away in front of me. He had seconds left, Like I guarantee he dies in the next four days. He was withering away, and I was sitting there thinking, I was like, who, Like who is he protecting? Is he going to protect me? Like I'm going to have to

That was the craziest observation ever because it's so true.

Like I can't think of like a young security guard I've seen in the past.

Like three months, just like every male flight attendant is a gay man. Prove me wrong.

I can't comments speak up, and then we'll accuse you of lying.

The next episode will accuse you of lying. Well, that's like.

Nevermind, it was going to be really bad and I don't want to say think I'm really embarrassed.

The next note I have is it's all theatric Oh my god, everything is theatrics. Nothing is real. That's that security guard that is not real. He's not protecting me. It's theatrics.

Yeah, that's what TSA is exactly.

That's what I'm saying. All of it, everything, all security, all things to protect us, isn't real.

Well, everything is to make somebody feel in power, but in the same position, disengaging somebody from power so that somebody else can be on top of somebody else.

Like security guards are that.

Like what we don't live in the fucking nineteen twenties anymore, Who's going in and robbing a bank once?

The last time a bank was row?

Can you even rob a bank? I genuinely feel like it's just debit cards now, like they don't have.

Any Yeah, they don't have money in there.

They probably have like such a small I think I saw something about that that somebody robbed a bank and took all the money that was there, And I'm not kidding. I think they had made a comment that it was like three thousand dollars and that's what was in passion the bank, and.

That you saw was from our show because we had this conversation.

Wait, what was it?

We talked that like who robs banks anymore? And then I looked up how much the average and it's like seven somewhere. It's really sucky.

Person talk about that.

Yeah, yeah, the emergency Intercom Experience. We should make an intro to our show that it's like primates becoming sentient with third eyes, like making their monkey sounds, and then like a woman comes, yeah, and then like a woman's voice like borderline robotic, kind of like all encompassing omnipresent is just says the emergency intercom experience.

I have some pretty bad news for you, Drew. What you just described the Joe Rogan experience intro, Like, word for word.

Is that actually Joe robes It's opening. Yeah, I'm not kidding.

I have never seen an episode of that in my life.

And I'm not kidding.

I genuinely if you put a picture of Joe Rogan in my face, I don't know if I would be able to name that.

I don't know what he looks like.

Well, Drew and I are white guys, so it's like seared into.

A It's like it's in our DNA.

Joe Rogan is white, right, No, what is he?

He's Panics, He's Italian. I'm pretty sure.

Like I'm not kidding.

If you put like ten men in front of me and you were like, point out Joe Rogan and you had a gun into my head, I'd be like, fuck, let's play.

That game right now. And I look up three men and you try it, okay, look at like random white man, random white man, and then Joe Rogan. Okay, and we'll play that game.

What do I win If I got to get.

It right and you get to get big old smooch from me, big o kiss.

Okay, why the fuck would I want that?

Like?

Be real?

Oh people want that?

Who wants that?

People like the people watching.

It doesn't get this right. These are like Dolly two images. Are you making fun of my laugh?

No? No, I was. I was gonna crackle in my voice because I have bronch.

You were speaking earlier and you had a voice like your lung pop and I was like, oh my god, you're dying. And it's literally not jewel like, it's gone like downhill, like.

Like your voice.

We got we got We talked about this on the Patreon, but we got mint jewel pods shipped in from Russia that are a year expired and I've been hitting them and my lungs have been filling up with puss.

But they taste so good, taste yummy.

They need to make mince that tastes like that, like mints that are jewel mint pod flavor.

The emergency in are Come experience like Jolly Ranchers.

Okay, they need to be like, okay, if we can't have mint jewel pods anymore, they need to make a non nicotine based one that tastes and smells like that that I could put in a humidifire.

That's how I feel about red Bull, like red Bull without caffeine. Yeah, put it in a humidifier.

I don't know why they haven't done that. The unspiked Maybe we should do that. We should just steal the formula.

No, That's what I'm saying, is like they I've given them a billion dollar idea and they won't take it.

So I'm just going to the photos. Ready, Okay, I'll put these on screen.

This is what do I get it immediately? Then?

What's the fun in that?

This is number one? This is number three?

Well, it's incredibly easy because only one of them, only one of them has a mic in their hand and looks like they're saying the most absurd ship ever, and the rest of them like they're linked.

In the You just got tricked because that was Alex Jones.

Wait are you kidding?

Number two?

Yeah?

No, swear to God, no, you're lying. I'm looking this ship up because you'all are lying. I'm so confused.

Okay, that actually confused me because I was like, I don't know how Alex Jones.

Looks either, Like I don't know, and I was like, oh.

My god, like whoa you just got buddied.

That would have been awesome if I got a body that way, I wish.

Okay, I have one more.

That's him.

I'm at that point where it's back to me wanting to run away and disappear again.

Oh my god, maybe when my suicidal ideations are forming into.

Other things and I just like manifesting his hiking trips my suicide, and my suicide manifests itself as like running away, running away in camp.

I mean, that's like a healthy way for it to like go. Dude, have you been seeing like Tavia in I.

Just saw it today on her I g story that blue fucking.

We're going to spend the rest of our life being like we're gonna go do that and then not doing it because we're just like caught up.

We're caught up in other things.

I feel like you guys do stuff though. Shut I just I'm trying to like validate the fact that you guys are living your life and you go blind. What the fuck?

I'm sorry that if you went blind, I would take care of you.

If I went blind would suck because I can never see what.

I would push you so crazy.

Don't hit on me.

I'm not hitting on you.

I would push you.

I would wipe your ass for you.

Actually, I feel like I.

Don't help wiping his ass. I think you just really want to wipe his ass.

My eyes has become bad recently, though, so maybe we should just start.

Test it out, just test it. Yeah, Oh my god, she gets so jealous.

When I know when you talk about wiping my heiney.

Yeah, she like wants to be like kissing on me.

Imagine true, imagine with my legs up.

Okay, no, we're done. We're done.

There.

You know that one video of the baby farting, like squeezing the farts out with Oh yeah, I'll do that too.

That would be awesome if you could get it on.

Can we actually try that?

Patreon?

Like, I'm not I'm not even joking. Can we try that?

Yes?

You don't you hate farts?

I would. I would take a far to the face.

Before that, I farted around Drew and he's gotten genuinely pissed because he hates farts.

And he's like, oh.

My god, I just hold it in like I hold it in until it dissipates.

And and that's why you can't shit, bitch.

So your balls absorbed the fire if.

I squeezed your balls, would you fart?

No? No, what whatever?

I'm just I mean you said that.

Sometimes I get really angry when people I don't know why. I'm just like, really, I don't know why.

You could just have not done that or made it silent, and I would have been like, which one of you motherfuckers farted? But like hearing it is completely so.

I was thinking about that the other day because I was like, I make so many poop jokes, but I do. I am disgusted by farts in a way. I'm like, I fucking hate that.

I think that's just funny.

No, it's funny, it is funny.

But well, I don't care if guys fight, but when girls fight, I'm like, you're just what the fuck?

No, that's like literally the source of the problem.

And I like it when you're saying that in that hat.

It's crazy. You don't feel weird for saying that.

Well, I just think girls, if they don't poop, like, why should they be able to fart?

No?

Girls poop. Girls, they poop all the time.

I don't like, you can't lie to me, like I just lied to you. Insaide. Joe Rogan was Alex Jones, like, you can't do that to me. I don't know who you are talking brain is exactly why do you think I wear this hat. It's because it's hard for my hand.

Because your hair started to mat up from the top because you don't brush it some night. Hide my big mound of maddened hair at the top of your head that you can only hide with that hat. Oh hey, you can't just hide, right you go. You can't just hide from me.

It's gonna hurt. Oh oh, I thought this wasn't gonna come off.

I actually got so we imagine I had to take you to the fucking fire department.

They had to Oh that would be piss me off.

Please help me.

And yeah, I think it's cool if girls make big diarrhea farts.

Should we move on?

We think we should move on.

I wish we were in our house and you were in this same chair and that chair was mine, because if we were, I would kick the legs of it so hard that the wood would break and you would fall and you would be so embarrassed. Yeah, and then you would try to laugh it off and it wouldn't be funny.

Because my tailbone will hit the ground.

Yeah, and the wind would be knocked out of you.

Have you, guys ever like slipped on ice and like hit your tailbone like that.

Because because I have like balance, I have hit my taib done that?

Come on, you're embarrassed.

I have. I had hit my tailbone and it's the worst pain.

No, because I know how to walk. Like what cool supreme sticker on your fucking laptop.

I didn't even put.

Oh I rode the subway for the first time alone.

Oh my god, he keeps saying it. I know you have the print that you.

Got yelled at because you asked for help, like you.

Met the meanest. I didn't know where I was going, and I wanted to be sure I didn't fucking go to like Long Island or some shit and ride the train for thirty minutes and like go the opposite way. So I was asking people for help along the way. Because if someone asked me for help and I knew where I was, I would be like, oh, yeah, like this is it. I would be nice about it because.

I would fucking push them and fucking spit on me.

I feel like you would be like the type of person that kind of like roll your eyes or should be angry. What But I asked several people and I don't know what it is about me, but I only approached women. And I think it's because I can strusted women. But I recognize that, like to the average woman who doesn't know who I am, I am a scary looking straight man. Yeah, literally, like, and I can see that some people, and that's why I give am giving her the benefit of that you have.

To just go up to her and be like, hey, my beautiful slave queen. Yeah, and then you can and.

Then you.

Hey, girl, let's have a key.

But I uh asked. I was like, so is this this CD trainer? Whatever? The trainer? I was trying to get on the CD's nuts trained to do it?

Wait you said that to her?

Yeah? Like I was like, do you want to see my balls? What train is? And I was like, why would you yell at me? I was like, you look so beautiful. You shouldn't be wearing makeup?

Why are you Why aren't you smiling right now?

Yeah?

Like you should. You should put a smile on that face.

Girl, I could put a smile on your face.

Yeah exactly. No, I just I simply was just like, yo,

No, I don't even think it was a fear thing.

She was probably just like annoyed, because like I don't think you necessarily bring fear in people, because like, let's be real, like, I.

Mean, yeah, I'm pretty big.

Was that what were you pointed to?

Literally just flexed like SpongeBob.

Also, like you were wearing the hat, which would piss me off.

Yeah, so like I'd be like, fuck this vaccilator.

You know, I'm the final like for millennial in this hat. That's what I just realized. This is what that is?

A millennial final boss.

Yeah, Like if I was at Burning Man and I had this on on you.

Nobody would have to be that one shade of brown we were talking about, like the one shade of brown that everyone.

I feel like a maroon would look really good with that.

Thank you, Thank you.

No, I wouldn't be mean to you.

But while you were having that experience, I was on the train because we were all meeting at Central Park, and I was on the train also, and these three like fifteen sixteen year old kids were like vlogging and being so fucking obnoxious, and I was like, whatever, I'm obnoxious sometimes, whatever, But they kept doing this thing where they were screaming, and I think, obviously because of like the state of like everyone in the US, but specifically

Everybody was just kind of annoyed with them.

They just happened to be going to Central Part two, so we got off at the same stop and they were in front of me, and like then they crossed the street and they pulled out water guns and started spraying random people and recording it. And I was like, they are the worst people on this planet right now, Like you cannot convince me.

Otherwise, and they were like doing that and vlogging themselves.

And then I had to cross to where they were because we were also going into the same entrance and I didn't want to elongate my walk by like ten minutes, I was like, fuck it, I'm just gonna get behind them. I was behind them, and they kept turning around and seeing me and like slowing down because I knew they wanted to fucking spray me with their stupid ass water guns. And basically I ended up just like going around them

Then all of them were like what there wasn't even us.

We said hi to you, we were being nice, You're being mean and like they were just being annoying, and then they did it again.

They were like sixteen seventeen, but I can't really gauge.

They were just really tall, like they were all like kind of taller than me, but you could tell they were children.

Personally, I would have pushed them under the train tracks.

But he would have murdered children, I will say, and I've said it publicly, like I do like when kids are being fucking batshit annoying fucks, I do want them to die like and I am sorry whatever, sue me. But they did it again, and I knew they were recording me, and I was like, this is the lamest I'm probably ever gonna sound, because I'm gonna sound like a forty year old like single woman, a single mother.

I meant, who's like tired of my own kids. And I was just like I was.

Like, get from around meet go around me, and I was like please.

Please, and then they were like we were just playing it.

I was like please, please please, and then they just like went around me and I just moved the other way and they didn't even laugh, So I think, like

They were just being so fucking rude.

And recording it, and I was like, this is why the internet is like the worst thing to ever happened to like the human race. And I was like, they're being so evil, and I want them to get hit by a car because in my head, I'm like the krama would play out that they would be like, oh, I was being awful to these people who are just

I'm a growing sounds.

I completely forgot that this happened because I actually trauma blocked it, but probably around the same time you were experiencing that. Legitimately, I was like I had the reason I rode the subway alone for the first time, Like I, yes, I was good. It's called subbing. We get on the subway, we do our things. We get in New York and we do our thing and we ride the subway. Like it's not that weird.

You know calls it.

Nobody does that. You take suboxin and you get on the subway. Take a box suboxin.

Is that like a like a like a medication?

What is that sort of Yeah, it's a fucking lit medication. But I got to my destination I need to go to my bank to get like a blank check or some shit, and got all that figured out. I was waiting for Mason out front because he was meeting up with me and then we were gonna go to Central Park and meet you there and everybody else. And I had gone into Starbucks for the first time on my

Oh, I'm sorry.

We've seen your old id posts. You've meant into a Starbucks on your own volition. Mister Lana del Rey.

Is so beautiful. I know you were sucking up those prappuccino.

And how many vanilla frappuccinos have you sucked down?

You are such a vanilla bean prappuccino And I'm I mean that derogatory. What do you mean story as how you are a vanilla bean prappaccino bitch?

But I went to Starbucks and I got my strawberry I'll say you refresher, which is just a saggy, my pink drink. My pinkitty drinkity drink, and I just like had to find something to do because I actually looked like a psycho tweak, and I was like pacing up.

And down the r right in the bank and did your business and then stood outside the bank.

You like look like you were going to the bank.

Yes, exactly. I Mason like is never on time, and he was like thirty minutes away when I left the bank, and I was like, okay, whatever, I'll just wait up and down the street and I was like pacing back and forth for a while. Then I got my Starbucks and then I was like, okay, I need to fucking relax and just sit down on my iPhone. But I was trying to conserve my battery because it was dying very quickly, and I'm like crouching, and I'm like, I'm boredis fuck, So I'm not on my phone. I'm just

You look like a fucking freak because you're crouching down in front of a bank.

Alone at that doesn't exist.

Oh my god, wait no, we had to tell that.

When I just I got really lightheaded.

Actually no, I did too, because I haven't had like a like a big enough meal than when you were talking.

I was like passing away.

From eight like three quarters of or yeah, three quarters of subway today, but they fucked up my thing and they put fucking all lives in this like sweet dressing.

You being like in New York, which is like infamous for having like an infinite amount of delis that you could go to and you ordering some way, yeah.

Ordered who I'm gonna put some sweet dressing in you. Right after we stop recording, I'm gonna take you upstairs and put some sweet dressing.

Oh my god.

Man.

Okay, but after we got the hat, me and Drew were sitting outside of this fucking Macha spot and we were like sitting in so just trying to.

Figure out what we were going to do, and he was wearing it, and this girl ran.

Up to us and she was like, oh my god, like I'm out of breath because I just ran here. But my friend said you were here and I wanted to come meet you. And then we were like, oh what, like heny we started talking to here and we were like, wait, how did your friend see us? And then she was like oh, because he was about to clock into work and he was like, oh my god, Drew was on.

The street, but like he's just in a really big.

Hat, so look for the big hat and look.

For the big hat, and that had me and Drew cracking out because I was like, dude, and they were like is that real?

Like are you wearing that seriously? And me Andrew were like, dude, who are.

We on the internet that that's even a real question, like if the hat is like a real like fashion choice. But it was like genuinely making people upset and like angry, and they were like genuinely taking a fence to the fact that Drew was wearing that.

I was getting bullied face for the first time in my life. And also in that situation when the girls were like look for the big hat, we were sitting next to this woman who like was just like mining her business, drinking her macha and eating her ice cream, and like we just like invaded her space and sat next to her, and I had.

Like a conniption.

Fit, like a meltdown. I was like, every decision, the past six decisions I've made have been wrong, Like I'm fucking up, like I'm ruining my life. Everybody hates me, like freaking the fuck out, all while wearing this hat. And then I like stopped myself.

For a second and then I said something.

I was like no, no, No, I stopped myself for a second, and I like see myself in the third person, and I'm like, and I'm doing all this in this stupid fucking hat. And then she just burst out laughing because like she wanted the hat to be addressed so bad.

Yeah, because she was probably like, dude, there's no way this man is actually sitting here freaking the fuck out with that on his head, like that should be. Like whatever decisions you made that were wrong should be the least of your worries. If that hat was like also made like recently, like that should be. That was the first bad decision, But honestly, it was the best decision.

I know, because look, we look good.

Who's we?

You're the only one who wears fucking altars.

Look like you're getting sucked into a black hole right now.

What time are we at?

One minute and first, sorry, one.

Hour and three minutes, so we got like ten minutes left.

No, you probably do like media, and you're good because we have of cuts.

We like sat around for like ten minutes.

It's like less than ten minutes of cuts.

Yeah, I think it's like five to seven minutes of cuts.

There's another minute of cuts, so that.

I just want to, like, I want to make love to you.

In a really nasty way.

I'm a nasty woman with a president who looks like he's covered in cheeto dush cheetost that's how she says it, cheeto dust. It sounds like I'm a nasty woman.

Man.

Should we put that on a shirt?

Wait?

Should we put that on a shirt?

Merchant?

I'm gonna put it on like a blanket, and I'm gonna sell it.

I'm gonna make pink hats. I call them pussy hats.

All right, let's go into me like you're freaking me. The My media of the week is the shake Shack meal bundle off of the app Seamless.

Wow. People are talking about when you get Shakeshack delivered to your house, they put the soda in the bag with it so it spills all over your meal, and you get home and it's coated in fucking Coca cola, and then you eat it and you're every once in a while you get a fry that's like a sugar fry. Because that's happened to me like actually six times. It's fucking crazy.

You seem pissed.

I don't order shake Shack because I literally don't postmates like that, Like I'm just like different, But that's me because I care about like the things I put in my body.

But you know I can say the same I I genuinely could say the same thing about you. Oh you're nodding off. That's good, Hello, Drew drew.

Up.

We were saying, imagine Drew front Row out of fashion show during.

Fashion week in this hat, nodding off like that.

It would actually it would be the I'm not kidding. If I wore this hat to anybody's fashion show, I like one probably wouldn't get in. But if by the grace of God I did get in, I would be a viral clip and it would take away everything from this fashion show to everybody.

Nobody behind you would be able to see what fits. Because he was supposed to go see a movie, but then he was like, dude, I have this fucking hat on.

Anyone who sit inside this movie theater with this toll fucking hat on and block the people behind me sitting in watching a movie.

But there's just like this big, like black gaping hole in the middle of the screen because of Drewy looking at It's like a tunnel yep, all right, let's get onto some media.

Oh yeah, let me check media real quick. Oh I fucking can't because my Spotify got deleted.

Here, I'll let you look at your own.

Well, no, my playlist. I have a bunch of private playlists. That's the thing, the thing of it all.

Well, my only media of the week is Amplified heart By Everything but the Girl.

That whole album is so good.

See the thing about you is you lie and I don't know why you would lie. How was that a live favorite album?

I didn't say it's my favorite album. I said it's like my media of the week. Ew kut, get your fucking toes out.

The camera, bitch. Sorry, you've had those songs since nineteen fifty three.

Like, actually, let's be real, your socks look like you started the fucking Sandlot with those, Like does that make sense to look at those?

Those are Sandlot socks?

Stink? Is uh? Like home makeover videos? I haven't been able to cry unless it's at people getting their homes revealed?

Was that one guy? Wait? I wanted to have sex with him? Wait? Wait, wait, wait, move that bus. You know who I'm talking about?

Oh, the extreme homemakeover ty Pennington.

Then this is my other this is my song for media.

My god, whoa, I take that back, Like I think you used to better than that.

You need to stop it.

Yeah right way here real.

Yeah see that's like this song is fucking lit.

There's the Cuban one that those Cuban like wow, the baby kitten picture just popped on my phone. Uh that those like Cuban guys and that girl maid where it was like I don't remember is that.

No, they copied like a Selena flow. I think I can't remember the song, but you know what I'm talking about.

It's like the Cuban like Trump anthem, fuck you anyway. My media visually I don't have anything because I literally haven't been watching anything and I don't care and you can't sue me. And then I already gave my my musical media and like that's it. Somebody I saw was like I can't get into the things that he listens to anymore.

That's it.

I don't know why I try to please you bitches.

You fucking hate me.

My other media is let go these nuts.

We're gonna get demonetized. We're never monetized. We're never monetized.

We're monetized, but just barely, like will barely monetize our ship?

Or white girl freestyling. It has two hundred and thirteen views.

Because it's Howard.

White Girl. It just look up white girl freestyle. Oh this is my real media.

My media of the week is girls farting.

Remember when this made me cry?

And yeah, oh yeah, that's amazing.

This is I'm not an ironically BC homecoming edition. People who play in band in high school blow my mind. Like, y'all, it's like this right here, this is a freestyle. The guy, what is it? The main guy?

Dude, humans are so crazy listening.

Is something else playing on your phone?

Yeah, it's in the back end of the video.

Every time I get chills every fucking.

Time this this part is like the is that a freestyle?

Yes, he's freestyling. The band behind him isn't. But he got like a bunch of full right scholarships to band academies because of that video.

But like this ship, Well, in high school, I was looking up how to roll blunt?

Yeah, how to roll blunt with blunt or with Bible paper. Actually, I'm like trying to find you guys music. But all of my saved music is gone. So I'm like scrolling through my likes on YouTube and everything on your i'verot you just check your Spotify.

Because he said all of his like recently stuff is like private.

Then all the other shiit is like it's music, but it's like fucking blady Ego Baby. I've probably already said that song. Oh my god, Blade Ego Baby, suck my fucking balls.

No one even caught like came for you.

Or like this.

Oh cool, Okay, Well that's that, And I hope you guys have like such a bad day that it makes you like reflect on your life in a very like introspective way because you should know better and like do better, and.

You figure your ship out, figure it out.

I'm just pigging fuck yeah,