Oh god, we have such exciting news.
Ship findly ship I ship out of my ass, y'all. It was fucking brutal.
Drew boots Gods, no more worries, no more comments suggesting fiber and water, y'all were although coming from the right place, it was very much giving.
Why don't you just smile?
Yeah, drink more water and smile and you.
Want to be like, wait, just like eat a green like get it moved, Drew, you do.
Look a lot prettier when you smile.
I'll actually, no, don't do that. That's my thing. You don't get to hit him a thing, Yeah, you don't get to hit him.
So oh did the shit just fall?
Yeah? Yeah, guys, I finally shit. Well shit, when I was back in Texas, this was like almost two weeks at this point, like a week. Yeah, I had twenty six days of turds inside of my body, y'all. I don't think you can fully grasp and comprehend how horrible that is, Like, of course, like a little here and there, but like for the most part, like legitimately twenty six days of shit like inside of which is like genuinely ridiculous.
And I know, I know, I could have died. I know, I know, I know, and who knows, maybe I wanted to die full of shit, Like maybe that was like my plan the whole time.
I wait, that's actually so embarrassing, because when you die, don't you like release everything.
I don't know, but that shit was not releasing. That was going to be stuck inside of me forever. Bro Yo.
The poor people at the fucking morgue who would have had to.
Like go through the bond in my autopsy and they found out my toxic mega colon is like the clos Yeah, well, twenty six days of not shitting. What finally did it was I ordered colonoscopy prep from my internest and it was on it. It was like really easy to get. And then when I told him how long it had been since I shit, he like kind of did a double taken here.
Yeah, he was like he was like, waituh how many days? Andrew like, yeah, like at that point you had called him when you were like, it's like seventy days in and even then he was like, oh, how are you feeling? Like it literally felt it was the equivalent of when we went to the personal trainers and the guy took my heartbeat, and he was just like, are you okay?
Yeah?
What And he was like your heart beat is so low and I was like I'm fine. He was like, you had coffee or something today. I was like, yea, I had coffee and a Celsius and he was like, do you feel the way?
I mean, You're incredibly healthy though.
That's what it means. Having a low resting heart rate is good. I have a restling heart rate of one hundred and eight permanently, which is really dark.
Your heart rate when you're in bed on your phone is like two.
No. Literally a heart rates like my double my heart rate and pass it on to Drew because that's literally what we have going on.
Yeah. And then when I stand up, it spikes to like one for every time, and I almost pass out in the kitchen. I can make it from my bedroom to the kitchen, and then I'm like, oh my god, I'm gonna die. I'm actually gonna die. But anyways, twenty six days of shit. I weighed myself before and I
have a picture of me on the scale. I weighed one fifty seven and I typically, like on average way, like I fluctuate between like one forty four and one forty eight, Like typically at one forty four, Like that's that's like my baseline. I can get to like one thirty eight if I'm like really depressed or some shit, but like one forty four is like my base weight.
It's the base weight, y'all, or you're always trying to be and like gain weight above that.
How much shit was inside of me? I forgot how many pounds you.
Went from one fifty seven to one forty two, So it's like fifteen pounds.
I had fifteen pounds of shit inside of me, y'all. Fifteen fucking pounds of shit inside of my body. That is straight up I wonderful. How much like your.
Body wasn't even digesting anything, Like it wasn't like taking I guess it had to have been taking in the nutrients.
That's the problem. That's the problem is it was just like lodged in there, so it was just like sucking it dry until it was literally like fucking bricks inside of my body, y'all. I'm gonna actually I'm not gonna spare the details. I'm gonna go all the way in. Like I drank it around nine am because I was like I want to be shitting. I don't want to be shitting throughout the night. Whatever. At nine am was the most nauseous I've ever been in my entire life.
My mom popped into the room because I was just like so sick, and she was like, I literally thought I was gonna have to take you to the hospital because you were clear. I was like, she was like freaking me out, and I was like, I feel like nauseous, but I don't feel terrible. And she was like, no,
you looked horrible. Well like no shit, nothing, just like horrible, horrible gut pain all day long until like eight pm, and me and my mom were sitting on the couch and she was like, do I think it's time to go to the er? And I was like, yeah, I think you're right, and she I was like, let me let me rest for like two more hours, and I swear to God at ten pm if I don't shit, I'll go to the hospital.
Wait, you took it at nine am and you still had it shit by like ten.
Yeah, it was like all it was all day, like it was melting away in my body. Well, I'm laying in my parents' bed. It's like nine ish in their room and I'm just like we're watching whatever. I'm like on the edge of their bed, and then all of a sudden, I'm like, oh my god, it's happening, and I like sprint to the bathroom across the house and
I sit under broke Yes, my water literally broke. I get to the bathroom and I pushed for about like three seconds and then t M I but I'm not kidding, A cannon ball sized shit like this big I'm guessing like shot out of my ass at mock speeds, hit the toilet bowl and exploded into like shrapnel, and like I literally was like in so much pain. I wish I could describe you the pain I felt, well.
The way you described it to me and John just.
Wait, I'm gonna get there. It literally it was fucking horrible, Like it was the worst pain I'd ever felt in my entire life. And then right after, like right after, I proceeded to become the most euphoric, like what I remember like pain killers feeling like when I was abusing them, like I straight up felt like genuinely fork. I felt like God was looking the inside of my skull in my body, like it was crazy, like it was so I wish everyone could feel the relief I fucking felt in that moment, and.
It was like you felt the joy only felt by somebody like Frankie Grande feels on it.
Exactly exactly Frankie Grande on the Wicked carpet with that fucking hair bruh. But I didn't realize like how much pain I was in day to day. Like it was like in that moment, I realized and I started crying because I was like, oh my god, Like I was hurting so bad and now I feel so fine. But like, just like I guess, over time, it just like gradually, like.
Yeah, you like acclimated. Every day the pain would build up a little and by the end of the day you were like, this is just my new pain.
Yeah. I might have set a fucking world record.
But yeah, you looked up to see what the longest, like somebody's ever been concan.
They're all dead, They're all dead. I went the longest and survived, y'all.
Wait, so the colonoscopy prep worked, it worked down. See, this is why people say prep is so important.
I don't know if that's like no, they mean huh, like prep like.
The drug Like oh, okay, I'm the medicaid. I'm trying to do the work.
Yeah. Respect, respect, You're learning something, but slowly, but surely. I shit. I proceeded to ship all day or the rest of the night into the night, woke up the next day, was supposed to get on a flight. Canceled that bitch because I was like, I cannot get on a oh bitch.
If I got a light and you were sitting next to me and like getting up all the time, I bet you started to smell like shit.
Yeah, no, I probably did. It was coming out of my pores like it was straight up was horri well.
No, the thing the way you described it to me and Josh was you said it felt like a foam football coming.
Out of your mouth. That was the ship that I had here. Oh here, I'm regular now. And I hadn't shipped for like four days after that, and I was getting worried and then a foam football shot out of my ass. But and then I was like, oh wait, I'm regular for it.
And it looked Me and Josh were saying, like it is so jarring, how like most people just poop and you get it over with, like I am blessed with like a body that just like does its job, and I poop all the fucking time, so like there's not really much to describe, Like it's it's every few months where I'm like, oh my god, this is like a describable moment I must tell the world, the world being running to your room and telling you about it, or it is it saying you for your chat. But you
since like pooping is such a miraculous event for you. Yeah, it's literally it is the equivalent to climbers who finally get to the top of Mount Everest. Your descriptors are so insanely detailed. Now, I can think of multiple poops you've had, like they will live on my mind like memory, and.
I describe them like perfectly. That's the craziest thing now. And I sit there and I'm like, that was a film football coming out of my ass, or that was like a softball shooting out at much.
Or you say it's a chicken nugget, but you just I which fast food chain? That is not real?
Every advertiser just bailing on the show.
That is not real.
Groom, it's real ship water for straight up, Like I'm not kidding, Like seven seconds, I mean I.
Believe you, because when Drew came back from Texas, every time we would be talking, he was like, hold on, I have the fart, so I'm gonna go to the bathroom, and he would run to the bathroom to make sure he didn't ship his pants. Oh my god, I have no I can't, like, I seriously can't. As much as we talk about poop and stuff like it literally like I don't, like, I really am not down with the scat ship like y'all is scat the thing like like poop Like we're like worst low.
Key sat After I shit, I sent a picture to KaiA of my back and I had welts all over my body.
I thought you were gonna say you had shit shot off your path.
It exploded out of my diapers.
There's like a soundboard on here. We could load that up.
We should load it up with your poop sounds. Yeah, man, that is amazing.
It was iconic. It truly was genuinely like what I imagine like an opum den for three days feels like like I for real felt like like I was I had the zuomis after like I was running around the house like I didn't know. I couldn't run like I didn't know. I wasn't like performing well at the gym, Like.
Oh, you're feeling the beauty of giving birth.
No, exactly, that's genuinely in the moment, I was like, oh my god, I just gave birth to like a seven pound baby out.
Have you experienced any postpartum depression? U?
Yes, I miss I miss being pregnant with fifteen pounds of shit. I miss being able to talk about it because I won't be able to talk about it.
Now you have nothing to complain now. Drew's nu kaplay is like I just feel like shit. Like it's just literally like just starting like my body.
I just feel my But I love basketball at least.
Oh my god. I was watching a movie last night and I, like Josh and Drew were hit it in the room. I was sitting on the couch watching a movie and I paused for a second to look at my phone for my interlude. It's kind of like at the opera when they let you go out and breathe a fresh breath of air.
Can't You can't finish a whole movie without looking at it without loud like I simply.
Must, so I pause, and when I pauses exactly when I heard Drew stop talking. And I hadn't heard Drew alive all day. He's been he was in his room all day and the only thing I heard was I just love basketball. Like that was all I heard. Was just like the whole time was like like them talking back and forth, and Josh wasn't really saying much. She was like, oh what, Like that's crazy, and like Drew is doing the thing where he just like starts shooting facts at you and then he goes, I don't know,
I just love basketball. And then I heard his door close.
I really do. It's like my lifeline. I truly think it's the only reason why I'm alive. And I got compared to Read Shepherd on my Drew's Lookalikes account. He's just a rookie for the Rockets this year. Yeah, no period. But everyone was saying, this is what Enya saw and Drew, I mean, if you want to see him, Oh I saw that. Yeah. I didn't think he really looked like me that much. But he's the same battie. He's the safest rookiing. I was a battie.
You know, Now you're how you were, Maddie. Now you're hot we talk about this all the time. Drew will randomly just be like, I'm ugly, and then I get offended because I've multiple times told Drew that if I saw him, like my vibe of Drew is if I didn't know Drew and I was at a party and he came into the group, I would try to make him laugh for his attention, but I would never pursue. Yeah, but that's I think the highest form of compliment. Yeah, it's like you're too hot. I don't read.
Drewsha called us models, and I'm not kidding. I looked in the mirror after I heard that clip, and I was like, wow, I am pretty, but I'm hot in the mirror. But in real life and in photos, I'm really scared. That's not true.
Like, that's that's I wouldn't work on this podcast if he has ugly.
Straight up honestly, I agree.
I literally agree. Like I can't say.
That I was it that loud. We've been trying to fix it and now it's louder.
No, it's louder. Also our heater. I turned it on yesterday and it was buzzing really loud, and I was like, oh my god, all of my fears of the house exploiting are gonna come to fruition. So I turned it off and I just suffered in the freezing cold.
Yeah, our house is fucking freezing.
It is constantly, without the fail, the sixty six degrees in the house at every waking fucking.
The first thing Inya says when she wakes up every morning, she walks at her door and she's like, oh, it's so cold without fail every.
Because every morning it shocks me because I got a heated blanket, which has genuinely.
Changed shifted that I like sleeping in your bedroom.
I'm obsessed with the heat blanket. I am still fearful that it's gonna cook me in my sleep. But I found out this morning that it turns off automatically after three hours, so that's good. But then I wake up freezing, Like you're.
Gonna get those like, uh skin veins.
That I honestly don't give a fuck. I'll just get like permanent air brushing on my legs. I was thinking about that the other day, like, I have no plans on ever getting surgeries, especially in my like younger years. I'm untouched, okay.
Like right, yeah, and he's untouched.
You both have gotten so much work done. I know you irresponsible to say.
I just can't stop getting work done. I just can't stop.
I just can't stop coming. I don't think people know that reference, but I say it all the fucking time. I've said it multiple times on a stage in front of a bunch of college students. What we're referencing when we just when we say I just can't stop coming is like about five years ago, Nikokado Avocado posted an IG story promoting his only fans where he scribbled out like maybe forty percent of it and you could fully see his like wiener on hard coming and he literally
just like was like, I just can't stop coming. I don't know, it's just like so funny.
This is the craziest thing ever, if you know what it is. It's the first time I've heard a man say something like that's equivalent to like what they have camgirls saying, yeah, like it's such a chatterbait ass.
Ad of like I just can't stop coming.
But what was I gonna say? Oh, yeah, I haven't gotten any work done yet. That is what I want to profess yet, trust and believe the second I turn fifty, I'm going fucking banana.
And the work is gonna be so good.
I know by then it's gonna be unseen. Y'all are gonna have to Like I mean to be fair by fifty, I quite literally don't think anybody will give a single fuck about it.
So the world will be on fire.
Yeah, we won't make it that far with climate change and everything, so whatever, but if we do, I will be getting surgery, and they will maybe be like one or two of you who remembers that I exist, and you'll go through and find my ig where I'm getting like one like in a comment from a family member, and it's just me looking exactly like this. Still, it's like the Christina Aguilera.
Thing like that. Shit is crazy.
It's very creepy. It is very very weird.
But I'm respecting the substance, babe, She's respecting the balance.
I The thing is, I don't know if I want to go that crazy like. I don't know if I want to go that crazy like. I don't want to look twenty five. I just want to look fifty.
But kind Yeah, well, I would never touch my body this sis.
No one else would either. It's not true, Drew, What's crazy as you're wearing that poop hat. And I almost didn't realize it because it just looks like your hair. Oh yeah, because it looks like shit.
Oh well, I got a shot collar.
Oh is that because we were talking about that way? Does it vibrate or shock?
Vibrates and shocks and I thought we could try it for the first time on here, but I felt it shocked my finger, and I think it actually might stop my brain in heart.
Okay, I don't know, but if it's if it's.
Kind of like do.
You put on your nuts after.
Huh what?
I didn't say anything?
All right, Wait, be careful because it's on or maybe it's not. But I'm so scared. I don't know if I can do this.
Actually, oh, it's just it's vibrating. No, it's it's vibrating. No, this one chocks.
Okay, bark for me, Drew.
No, I actually I can't do it. I don't think it's not on my skin yet. Wait. I don't want you to do it.
Wait, I'll put it down. Wait, it's like literally not letting me put it down.
You have to click the top button in and then I'll do very vivid and Westwood like I don't think so, wait's chill, chick.
I want it's a force.
I know it's not on my skin yet, but like, I don't trust you.
Okay, okay, look level one.
My hair won't let me tighten this ship.
Level one.
Okay, but wait, it's not on my skin yet. What the was that you could do?
Sounds too This is just abuse.
I'm like, actually gonna have a conniption fit. Fuck.
Did y'all want walkie talkie's really bad as kids?
Yes?
Everybody wanted like a really good walkie talkie so fucking bad. Like, wait, we should get walkie talkies because we text across the house.
That would be fun. Wait, something just did a turd fall down my shirt?
Oh?
Did a turdfall?
Of turd fall?
There?
They're all falling down honestly, fu.
I feel like I'm like actually losing my mind.
Oh yeah, it's like it's like rolling down the wall.
What song did I sing earlier? I made a joke early about falling.
Oh it was really linger.
No, I don't know. We all have a rizzler.
Okay, I'm gonna do one.
Is it shocking?
No? No?
Oh, vibrating? I don't care about that. Literally feels like nothing.
Should I bump it up?
I mean, the vibrating is not gonna hurt at all. You're supposed to like scare me. But wait, why is it like actually like like it doesn't hurt.
Okay, hold it away from you because I'm gonna.
Do you gotta squeal like a pi.
Oh wait, okay, this is level one.
I actually don't know if this is a good idea.
Just touch it.
I didn't it hurt so bad?
One?
Yes, it felt like I was being like stabbed by a bee.
Okay, then maybe we shouldn't play with this.
Yeah, I don't want you to get hurt.
Actually, wait, hold on, I keep feeling things. I'm like, literally, you're going crazy.
Okay should I go?
Yeah? Oh it's like it's not that bad.
It's like the sound you made was crazy.
No, if I go any higher on might like actually stop my heart? Oh fuck?
Really? Yes, I guess dogs have like fur and like other things. It's like straight to the source with you.
I didn't. I pulled it away. I was too scared. It's not on me yet. Wait turned it up to ten ten.
I don't think for shock, just shock. It goes to level ninety A hazard sign.
You were on one out of ninety nine.
Wait do ten?
Wait?
Wait, wait, wait, what is happening. It's like it's like F three, F four. Oh no, that's for the.
Sound frequency food. Okay, I'm ready.
Oh and ya, what did you put it to?
I didn't it's at ten, is it that?
Are you sure it's at ten? And on one hundred because he just pissed himself. He pissed his pants.
Good, this is what you get when you fuck with me, bitch. Yeah, how are you still bruised from the cupping?
Yeah?
You still have the spots from the cupping.
Also, I like didn't have a good reaction because I actually thought I just killed you, So like that silence was me actually being like my first thought was like, fuck, I need to leave soon, like and I just killed Drew, so I can't leave. And I was like, I'm gonna have to text everyone I know. Well, because I was well, I was like reorganizing my plans. I was like, okay, well, I can't leave. I have to take Drew to the hospital. And then I was like would I be able to
make that? I was like, no, I have to be in the hospital.
Why are you a woman? Getting her bag and being into padany exactly.
I just died.
You actually didn't bitch your dramatic horror slut.
You're fucking slush all right, you're turning you.
Hell no, no, no, I'm actually scared.
Of any pain.
Okay, I'm gonna say something that's really going to strike a chord with a lot of people, because I know I have a feeling that a lot of people in our audience are just going to feel attacked by this. I fear that Legos are just a Stanley type finesse, and everyone who is involved with being obsessed with Legos you have accidentally joined a cold. Legos are not that interesting. They're also like the craziest plastic machine I've ever seen,
and it just reminds me of Stanley. It's like, Okay, I saw a Lego wreath, like a Lego Christmas wreath. Get a fucking no.
The flowers are so cute.
The flowers, I'll let slide. But now they're doing everything. Everything is Lego everything, the core line house I haven't seen.
The cat cats are so cute.
Yeah, a fucking plushy like the Lego.
No, the building is like the part of it that's fun.
I just can't get with the Legos. And to me, I literally see it like the people who collect Stanley cups. Yeah, it just doesn't like. Legos don't strike a chord of joy for me.
Let the Lego cats vote, well.
That's a good one. That's a good one. I like the og little just like regular Legos. This grand scheme, it literally feels like so Mary Kate and Ashley not Mary Kayan and Ashley. Uh Mary Kate makeup like it feels like that. To me, it feels very avon. It feels very culty. It feels like at one point someone's gonna start knocking on my door and asking if I want to buy like my Lego voting ballot, my Lego absentee ballot. Like it's just bleeding into everything. Everything is
Lego and I don't like it. I just don't like it.
I have to disagree, but we can agree to disagree. I think Legos are goats. I think they're the go Like the Dune Lego set is so fucking cool, like hello.
To me, Legos are like my puff bar. I look at this, I'm like, how many of these are sitting in landfills? And then I look I feel really bad, and then I remember that there are people who buy a Lego set a month mmm, and there's eight million pieces just everywhere on the planet, and it makes me feel better.
Honestly, I think, what the fuck? Where are my dad? What my dad texts me some weird shit. Well, people who think being gay is a choice are actively choosing not to be gay.
So you're gay.
So that's a gay tendency. I love gay tendencies, Like eating kiwis, that's gay tendencies.
Eating kiwis? What else is a gay tendency?
I guess riding passenger while your girl is driving that's gay tendencies.
Watching music videos to wind down for the night is definitely gay tendency.
Shing Men play football as gay tendencies. Oh my god, I got a rooting for a football team.
I literally got a football at it fire and although it was moving. I will still never partake in the consumption of sports because it actually means nothing to me, Like it should be illegal to record the losing team, like seriously, they just fucking lost, Like now you're gonna put a camera on their face, And there's always the compilation of.
The team, Like the best is when it's like the Confettio's colored like the other team why they're.
Just like walking through and it's like they're just Yeah. And the more I think about it, I don't know what brings me joy.
You're vape me my heated blanket, Your heated blanket. No, And I'm not kidding. I was laying in bed a couple of nights ago thinking about like what I am truly passionate for and like what I would do for the rest of my life like and enjoy it, and I have nothing. Nothing.
I I like, well, okay, that's I think that is the scam. And this is gonna sound so Tumblr Twitter brain coded. But something I try to remind myself is being such a sad, sad, sad child who went through harsh things. I always had this very grand idea of what happiness was, and I thought when I had it, I would know it and I wouldn't second guess it.
But literally, at this point, I feel like happiness is a construct that is being sold to us so that we never stop in the hamster wheel that is life, and that we keep keep keep just destroying ourselves and trying to search for that. But yeah, it literally is not this big thing. Happiness is just us sitting on the couch with Josh and like eating our favorite food
and watching a fucking TV show or watching stupid YouTube videos. That, to me now I can accept that is the peak joy I will ever feel, because it's like.
Being on my la phone for fourteen hours a day. That is pure happiness. Like yeah, I'm not even joking, like I love being on my phone. Right now, it's like really bad. But then there will be moments when I'm like two hundred videos deep on this random person from like Arkansas's TikTok account that has two hundred followers, and I like know everything about their life and I knew what like fucking donuts they ate in the morning, and I was just like, actually, like what am I doing?
Like truly, and I'll like actually launch my phone across my room. Like if you ever hear something like hit the floor in my room, it's my phone flying across because I like literally can't just lock it and set it down. I have to like physically launch it out of my hand.
I know I've seen you do it, and I remember one time you did it and just saw I was like oh and went and picked it up and gave it back to you, and you were like, no, I need for a back You were like okay, like dramatically, yeah, We'll come into my room and be like, I need to detox from my phone. I'm getting off my phone, we need to leave the house. And I'm like okay, and I'm sitting there like on my phone or doing something in my room, and two seconds later, who goes,
I'm withdrawing. I really want to look at my phone right now, bitch. It's been like second year with a human, right.
I legitimately get iPhone withdrawals, Like I need to go to rehab for my fucking phone. But back to the happiness conversation, life is only suffering from the second year born to the second you die. You will suffer every single day period. That's the end of it. I'm fucking kidding, and I mean it is, it really is. I'm about to start crying because everything bad that can happen to me has been happening to me.
Yeah, I'm just excited for this year to get wrapped up, although next year and the year after that and the year after that and the year after that doesn't seem like the most promising. Next few years.
It's always unstable. You really never know.
You just don't know.
And I'm seventeen next year. We all I know about the seventeen Club. People die when they're seventeen, and who knows, maybe I'll die.
Do you think they're gonna penalize Chapel Roone for contributing to population.
Decline penis lies because she's a lesbian mm hmm hopefully, Because I.
Was watching SNL and I was like, oh my god, I love her so much, She's so awesome. And then I really like, I was rewatching it a few days after the election, so I was really really spiraling because no, I just was, and I was like, oh my god, what if we get to a point that she like gets like fined for saying that women are better than men on TV? Which, guys, it's not gonna happen. Seriously, Okay, we need to move on because I'm actually gonna start freaking out.
Well, Australia's PR team is a fucking shit show because I literally haven't seen a single positive thing about living there, like not one. There's a hole in the ozone layer that's melting people's fucking skins off. There's spiders, everywhere, like literally eating people alive. There's like the most poisonous snakes in the world.
Just like living like an inhabitable.
You shouldn't be there. It's inhospitable. It's literally you should not be there. Like I think there's like something like three cities where like ninety nine percent of the population lives, and then the rest is just like literally like mad Max level of desert where it's just like literally you can't survive out there. And then also, don't even get
me fucking started about the goddamn flies, bitch. You have to wear like fucking fly hats because these flies are like attracted to the co two leaving your body, so they just like attack your face and try to get in your nose, out, eyes, mouth, and ears. So you have to wear these hats like when you just go outside. And then also those fucking birds, the magpies, like the fucking magpies. If you ride your bike down the road, magpies will swoop down and try to mag No, they
try to eat your eyes out of your skull. I'm not kidding, Like they literally there's videos of people like where magpies are just like fucking attacking them.
Yeah, I've seen a girl walking, Like there's this girl who runs and she always is trying out new hats to see if she gets attacked. I'm like, at what costs? Why do you live there?
Like I don't have understand I mean, honestly, how are they going to get out? Because like every flight is literally twenty four hours away.
Like it's also eight thousand dollars.
To Yeah, but the surfing's nice. Let's say a couple of nice things.
I don't know anything about Australia.
It's probably easy to tand.
I think they're economy is strong. I heard that.
Strong economy weird accent.
But what I don't like about Australia is that Australian guys are always tall and strong and they'll beat me up, like Australian person i've ever met. Yeah, as like pull my pants down and fucking like beat me up and humiliated me.
How often do you meet guys from Australia.
I saw Jordan Barrett once.
Who's Jordan Barrett the moder?
Oh yeah, oh.
The scary guy.
Yeah it's Australian. Yeah, he got caught stealing cigarettes.
Anothery're mad pr stunt from Australia.
He got caught stealing cigarettes and he got casted for it.
Oh when he was younger, I thought like now because I was like, girl, why are you stealing cigarettes? Now? Now you're just bored.
No is the weirdest and I'm.
Sorry, I like, i'd like God bless.
But like, No, PSL is different from appeal.
He is. He is weird looking, but I do. I'm like, I look so much like him that maybe I'm just projecting, like that is your that is your that's.
Kind of my that was your twin.
I would be grossed out, like, No.
You're You're more like cheeko twin codedbes. He's like appeal versus like Jordan Barrett's PSL Chico's appeal.
You know what I just thought of When we were at the store and you were like, yeah, that's a cheat code and the girl thought you said.
Oh my god, that is We were at the store and his girl like knew who we were and she worked there. And if you're listening to this, I fucking loved your energy. You were a fucking vibe, like you were late and she was just like chatting us up and we were just like talking about like what we had been up to and she was like, oh my god, y'all were like randomly in fucking Arizona for the urban outfitters thing. Like I went there and I had friends there and they saw you and it was all it
was fucking crazy. And then I can't remember how it got there. I think she was like talking about like.
People go to the school to like go to a party. Yeah, so you could like get a scholarship and then just go fuck off.
And like party yeah, and get a that's Chico. And I was like, oh, yeah, that's a cheap code.
I do not look like this guy.
I know you don't.
I don't all I fucking wish.
Yeah, you don't look like him at all. Kind of this is appeal.
This is so handsome makes me depressed.
Like this is their other God, I hate men who look like that. I think he's so cute looking, but I would never I need like a forty six year old.
Like if I'm going to find a man attractive, he has to have like a bit of character to his face.
And look like I scars.
I can't stand like a roadblocks like dressed to impressed looking motherfucker. I can't stand it.
Well, me and Drew are obsessed with looking like that, so and we'll.
Do whatever crazy I'm gonna get. I've been bone smashing.
I was gonna say Guasha is the girl equivalent to bone smashing, because I saw a girl on my timeline who had Guasha so hard all her blood vessels had popped and all the comments were like, girl, really bad.
Chill the fuck out. But anyways, this girl was like or I was like, oh, like, that's such a cheat code, like a cheat code to a video game, and she was like, yeah, that's so Chico. And then I was like, yeah, yeah, it's a cheat code and I like enunciate and she's like, yeah, that is so Cheico.
Like when we were laughing so hard because I was like, Okay, what would that even imply? I don't want to know what it would imply. But also just the idea that like Drew Phillips is in a store saying that's so.
Cheap, we need to make cheeko. I'm assuming she had like a friend named Chico, where there's like a legend Chico Legend at the campus or something, or maybe she's a member of Mogwarts Mogwarts Academy.
You have your Harry potter hat on. Isn't that the hat that like chooses people.
The distorting hat? What are you? I feel like you're slithering Slytherin, I'm slither bone.
What what slither bone?
Making you laugh? Sod? It's crazy?
Right?
Right? Well, I think I've decided that somebody saying something is fascinating is the most condescending thing ever, Like it's interesting in movies where they're like fascinating, okay, bitch, because one it's not. Two you're being as fuck. And like if I told my story, like a story to somebody and all they were to say in reply.
Was that's fascinating, it's fascinating.
I would fucking hit them fascinating to me as a fight word, like, oh that's fascinating. I'm so fucking sure that's fascinating to you. Like it literally just sounds so demeaning.
It's it's like the same as someone describing like a food as interesting, like I know you hate it, and I know you don't like it, Just say you don't like it the flavor is interesting, Like you literally don't like it. Like that's me to Macha, Like I don't like Macha, I never will. It tastes like I'm fucking drinking like cow chewed grass like and that's why I love machao.
I love that bitter taste, like I can't stand to Macha. A lot of y'all don't even fuck with Macha, Like I understand Macha's all the rave right now, but a lot of y'all don't fuck with Macha the way I do and me and my girls do, because why the fuck are you adding blueberry raspberry like all these things? Also, actually we need to talk about that audio. A lot of y'all are adding like raspberries to your coffee. What
the fuck are we talking about? Like even the banana coffee, you're pushing it, Like covering the coffee is pushing it.
But they put bananas in the coffee.
Yeah, some people make bananas syrup, which I will say, actually does sound delicious for two SIPs, and then it sounds like it would give me an insane.
I really can't eat bananas.
It would give me heartburn.
Yeah. I get like welts on my tongue and throat when I eat bananas, not in like a crazy way like eating oyster's muscles clams would, but like i'd literally like the enzymes or some shit like melt my tongue away.
I want, I really want the Banana Fortnite crocs.
I was just saying that, literally, the Banana Fortnite crocs, the Battlebus crocs, the pink ones are the most horrifying piece of clothing I've ever seen created.
I mean to be fair, all of them are like terrifying.
But the banana ones are like terrifying.
Oh, I should tell my parents to get me that for Christmas. Wait, I need to send that to them. Also, a zool is kind, and don't fuck with a zool because I randomly looked up how much a zool costs. I found a zool on the street. And a Zul is like a paid experience of a cat. He's the dumbest cat I've like ever interacted with, dude a soul randomly. Also, if you don't know, because I feel like I've never talked about Azool anymore, Azula is my fucking cat. She
has like become obsessed. Actually, what's weird? The older a fool gets, Yeah, the older Zul gets, the more like a boy he starts to act to me. So now he's like kind of just been a boy for the past year because he has become obsessed with cardboard boxes. Not in the way most cats are, where they get in it and they play and they're cute. Azul takes out this aggression that I've never seen an animal do. He doesn't eat it. He doesn't like swallow the cardboard,
but he very meticulously. It's like he's a little Amazon worker. Like he goes up to it and he's.
Like like he just bites it and spits it out.
Yeah, he just bites it and spits it out and then plays with the cardboard pieces and then just like circles around it like he killed something and walks away. And there's a cardboard box under my bed because I have all his canned food like shoved in this box under my bed. I'll be laying in bed and I just wake up to like under my bed and it's like a thumping sound, and I go under my bed and it's just a zoul with two paws in the box and then his like all the rim of it
is plastic and chewed up cardboard. Also, he has started to eat my vinyl record, so he literally, yeah, he literally goes to like I have all of my records, like leaned up against my desk. He goes and he it literally feels like he's picking something out, which I should start playing the records he pulls out and see if my cat can be smart. But that's not the case. He just yeah, he shows Evangelist. And then the other one was what's yo la tengo?
Also he chewed a hole in an air mattress, Like, oh, yeah, like a dog.
We can't have air mattresses in the house because the zool finds them.
And he finds them and he eats them like a munch. Is thet Yeah, it's an animal.
I was looking at a today and I was like, it is so funny how we just picked this animal to be like the animal like cats and dogs are Like, no, I don't.
I don't think that. I think they chose us. They could control us. I truly do think that, Like I really that fucking parasite study is crazy and I know we all got But I love cats in the craziest way, like I send it. I send at least three cat videos a day, like to my friends and family. I fucking love cats.
The most beautiful Pat is so cute, is beautiful and when he looks at me with this face.
I'm like, this cat has nag.
Have you seen the kitten that says hello?
No, let me show you hold that hell up because I need to see that.
Oh my god, I love azool bro.
If you look up there, I found an azul whisker.
Oh really yeah? Whoa, it's long as hell?
Oh, this is it? This is it?
I think this is a whisker.
I'm w a kitten sometimes.
Oh I know. Sometimes I feel like a Zoel can say hello. And I'm not kidding because sometimes he does this very specific me out only when I'm in the bathroom and he's standing out he wants to get in.
He does not like the bathroom door close because anytime I'm in there, he comes up and the outs at it and then like he knows it's me, like a Ziel doesn't give a fuck about me. Actually, as look, he loves me.
He just hates the bathroom door closed. Not that he likes to hang out in the bathroom, but he likes the option of going into a room where one of us is in there, like he doesn't like to be closed off. And I love him so much. He is so cute and he loves the heated blanket. Like usually he lays up here and sleeps next to my shoulders, but since I have the heated blanket now, he'll like scrounge around and like lay half on me, half off me.
And I love when I'm playing Fortnite and he comes and he lays across my lap like a little loaf. Oh my god.
I literally, you've grown up so much in the last time.
I know, if when Azul dies, I think I'm gonna kill myself.
Oh my god, I'm gonna kill myself.
Would you kill yourself if I died?
Yeah, okay, good, I mean it doesn't take much.
Well. The last thing I want to talk about is family data plans. Did y'all have those?
Oh my god?
Yeah, bro, Oh my god, Like I forgot about the trauma that a family data plan caused me as like a kid that was obsessed with the Internet. I know, every single month, three days in four days in our family would get a text in the family group chat saying that we've used ninety percent of our data plan. And then my fucking sister figured out a way to fucking call on her iPhone to see by number who's
using the data and every single time without fail. It was me using ninety percent of the data before anybody could.
But it was also like it felt like it took nothing. I genuinely remember getting being in school and it would be like the day after the VMA's and I need to see what people tweeted, and I'm on my phone just looking at Twitter and even just seeing gifts and fucking picture replies would take up so much of it
and it would destroy it. Also, did you ever have to like go in and check how much like of the data you've used like all the time, Like I would do it all the time, and it literally felt like undoing a bomb every time I was doing that, because even that felt like it was using data. Like everything on my phone remember minutes.
Yes or I no no no no no. I never had minutes. I mean like I did have minutes, but like I'd never use the phone.
Oh I had minutes, but there was like minutes.
And then there were something with with like.
Texting too, like there was only a certain amount of like text send and oh my god, I my lgen that like not being able to reply to my crush because I used up all my shit and I would just have to go to school and be like sorry, I couldn't reply, Like I.
Literally sorry, I couldn't play twenty three questions with you.
That's why Kick was so popular, because it was like before like Messenger I got oh duh.
Yeah, I've been thinking a lot about the experiences I had from fourteen to seventeen, even eighteen.
A lot of people are going to jail. A lot of people.
Wait, so these experiences happened like the first couple of years of the podcast.
Yeah, like two years ago, three.
I didn't know that you were going through that. Yeah, I would.
I mean, it was not even that big of a deal.
He's being so yeah, I'm being dramatic.
Yeah, chill out, dude.
Okay, wait, what is this?
If you if you had to accept an award, do you think you would be like BuzzFeed like think you humans whatever? Or do you think you would be like very serious?
Uh, I'd probably take my shirt off.
I think I would want to hopecore edit so I would drop an insane amount of lore and I would trauma up. I'm like, we need someone to do that. We need somebody to get up on that stage and accept a Grammy and just.
Trauma doze and just like say like the worst thing.
To destroy the vibe. Oh my god, yesterday I had the saddest experience in the fucking dispensary and it was genuinely like, oh my god, it was so jarring. I pulled up and this person, this guy parked right in front of me and walked in before me. And as I'm heading in, it's all glass windows, and I see him talking to the girl and I just see him
like drop his head and start like sobbing. And the girl comes around who is helping him, who worked there, and hugged her, uh, hugged him, and he was just like when I came in, somebody else had to help me check my ID because he like immediately Also it
was like I'm so sorry. I genuinely think this person was going through it, and I did feel so much empathy, but I couldn't help but find the humor and the fact that he was like sobbing so hard, and he was like, I'll take a this disposable pen the one
cram and like was crying. I was like, this is such a crazy vibe, but it was really really sad, and I wanted to say something to him because he was having the kind of sob that I was like, this has to be somebody who's greeting somebody, and like there had to have just been like a word exchange, like maybe he hasn't seen anybody. And I felt so bad because he kept saying sorry, which also to hear a man say sorry so much, I was like, wow, like there are one good one one, but like it
was really jarring. But I need somebody to do what that guy did in the dispensary and like how he shifted the mood in there. I need somebody to do that. Just literally get up on sage. This be so much to be because.
I think I was gonna say, I think I might just scream into the mic, like consume it and scream, like you remember what you used to do on like Xbox or like when you had to use wired headphones and you could put the mic in your mouth and scream into it and it would be the most deafening sound. That's my acceptance.
I still do that to my friends on Fortnite. I will literally just like join a party, put the like I have the five as five really, so I just will put the controller into my mouth. It's kind of like not plunching on the box and then I'll just like, but I think it peaks out.
Yeah, it peaks out because there there's certain microphones that people have found that are better for screaming screaming into and it's like those ones that are like an earpiece right here that go those always, Yeah, those are like the goad of like screaming.
But yeah, that guy, uh was really scary. It made me sad and I wanted to say something, but I was like, Honestly, the last time I spoke to a stranger who I thought was crying, it was embarrassing for me. So I'm not going to do that.
You know, this guy is obviously he'd probably follow you home.
The other Yeah, that was the other things. I was like, I can't talk to this man because sadly can be nice to me. He can be nice to a man because he's gonna think that he's gonna marry you.
Well, I think the worst thing that's ever happened to me, worse than my brother dying, worse than my grandpa and grandma dying as COVID fumbling me? Who fumbled you?
You fumbled me because I wanted you, And then you were like no, no.
No, no, you fumbled me.
But look at me, you and look at me hello, and just imagine me.
We should if they start doing it so that we could have a baby and like it would be in a test tube and not a surrogate.
I would genuinely do that with you. I think we could probably figure that out. Yeah, I mean we could probably combine our DNA in a test tube and then implant it in someone to carry it.
I just don't want someone else to carry my baby.
So did you rather just fucking get pregnant to have a baby then?
So that's all you think women are good for life? Wow?
Not at all, Not at all. That's one of the many things that I celebrate women doing.
Hi, you're crazy for that.
I saw like discussion unfolding because of everything happening where it was talking about how so many people in this generation feel lost because the women aren't having kids and just by human nature, we're supposed to have kids. First of all, kill yourself, that's it exactly.
I mean, we should collapse the population because like there's not going to be fucking evil people to be in power. But whatever. Worse than Trump getting re elected, uh, worse than my bug dying and you're killing my bug. Murdering it in cold blood is coming home from the drive through and not checking your bag before and realizing there's no sauce in that goddamn bag. I swear to God that will quite literally ruined my week. Like that ruins
my the sauce. Yes, someone out there relates, Like the most important part of a meal to me is buffalo sauce. If I don't get buffalo.
Yeah, I guess cause you're just somebody who you use food as a vehicle for condiments. Yeah, you're not like eating food for this the like flavor of the food. You're eating it to ranch or buffalo or like QUP mayo because everything Drew eats he slathering.
Ranch, Buffalo and QB mayo. Though I could literally survive on just those three.
The thing is Ranch alone kind of grosses me out. Like Ranch, there's like a very specific like the ranch in the bottle from the salad for salads that ranch.
Can I tell you something what I went into the refrigerator like three days ago and there was a cup of ranch in there and I literally drink it likeically and from wingstuff.
That is crazy. Like the thing is everybody knows online. It's like the ranch from Wingstop is goaded, but I don't think people are consuming it the way You've taken it to a level that it's.
Genuinely like it's really it's I mean really.
Like licks the bowl like he literally gets mad when I'm about to throw away, like this level of ranch away after you. Oh my god. The other day I got a swing stop and he's like, they only gave us two things of branch. As if that's not enough, you get three fucking tenders, like you just want to drink the ranch. It's so weird. And then it's like I feel like most people order the big tub and it feels wasteful because you get the big tub and
it's like, I'm not using all this ranch. I literally watched Drew, like you know the muckbanger girls who like dunk it in and do it to like for the visual like nasty effect. Drew does that un ironically without camera so far his fingers get coated and then I lick my fingers clean.
Oh, Buffalo sauce too.
Bubble sauce is very good.
It does like don't love sauce to me?
Tastes like what when I know it is summertime, I get like a certain kind of sweat that comes out of my body. Buffalo sauce smells like that, like that very specific, like like spiked sweat stench.
So body odor.
Yeah is what buffalo sauce is like, but in a really good way.
Umm, buffalo sauce. But if you haven't tried it, do not fucking try it, because you will live your entire fucking life chasing that goddamn high. Like the first time I had it, I knew a switch flipped into my brain and I was like, this is what's gonna kill me. It's like straight up my haroin, Like I'm not kidding, like it really like I'm chasing the magic dragon.
You don't like buffalo sauce the way I do because I use the buffalo wings from seven Lot.
You don't know nothing about me in my buffalo sauce.
I will say, you have to put me on sauce like I wasn't. Like I wasn't like a sauce connoissewer like that before I met you. Also, U saying the kouchie thing made me think of this.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait. Elon Musk's body looks like an autopsy.
Was that a SiO no.
I saw someone comment that on TikTok and I thought it was quite literally the funniest thing I've ever to the email too. Oh really, it literally is what his body looks like an autopsy.
Okay, so that's our curse of the week. Goes out to Elon Musk. Head On, you will wake up from a ferocious dream where you were on fire, only to wake up and realize you actually are on fire and you were paying in real time for all of the sins against humanity you have created, and you will be dying soon. So count your fucking days if I put a curse on you, bitch, or not fucking make it. And I'm putting the curse on you. Elon Musk, you
will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish. Elon Musk, you will perish.
Oh my god, he's so fucking nasty. He's clear. Oh my god, it's clear. He's fucking clear. Bro Okay, I'm I'm moving on Drew Cia. I hate when motherfuckers say shit like it's a quarter till nine, bitch, just say it's eight seventy five. Goddamn y'all stupid. I'm like shaking. That riled me up. That really got me going.
It's okay, I cursed him. He's not gonna make it.
Yeah, we should buy everybody if we all bought Etsy Spells. Okay, I'm done, I'm done.
I'm done.
Another night, no sex. I feel like an inmate. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to, why do you gotta tell me your hungry? Oh? Wait, no, no, fuck, I read that wrong. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to. Out of the eight dudes you're talking to, why do you have to tell me you're hungry?
You did read it like that the first time. That is exactly how you're at it the first time. Okay, um, you just added a verbal comma this time.
Hill, don't give me a kid. I'm gonna name that bitch Spinach Wheel.
I'm gonna name my kid Bethany, Mota Bro.
My kid's names, I have them. I'm gonna have two girls, one boy, Karma, Karma Mantis. What's what's the boy's name? Karma Mantis, Orchid orchid Orkid Karma Manton is an orchid, Orkie.
Or I'm gonna name my kid mythic item booky Bomb Gold Scar Gold scar. Yeah right, there's definitely somebody who's asked chat GBT what they should name their baby, and they named the fucking baby that.
Yeah, so far, and they buy Tesla cars. I can't read right now. I'm actually having a trouble reading.
A trouble reading.
Yeah, I can read for you.
Why are you, as a man getting up early, rise and grind? The fuck are you grinding on us?
Grinder?
Old people at weddings always poking you, saying you're next, So I started doing the same to them at funerals. I'm going to hell. Bruh. That's a good one. Marriage is a death sentence.
Who sent those?
Right? There's more? I know people be talking about me. It's okay, though, because I talk about y'all too, and I'm way funnier. Sometimes the person you want isn't most, isn't one you need you want?
Sometimes the person you want isn't most. Isn't you one need you want? The is one emoji? Huh huh Susan. Shout out Susan, Oh my god, shout out Susan, and shout out Madeleine, and shout out Kelly h.
Kelly. Eight. Okay, My media of the week is I'll tell you now, Lindsey Buckingham, can't stop loving you, soul dog, make love to me, Carrie Cleveland and expecting to fly Buffalo Springfielday. And then for movies, I watched Moonstrock with Nicholas Cage and Chair and it was so good. It was just a hoot and a hauler and it was so charming. I missed when movies were charming.
Yeah, I miss like old rom coms. It was cute. I'm a I'm a cinophile.
We really need to change that word.
When you like, are really excited about feet.
Pedophile it is?
Is that really what it is?
P E d I ped.
I didn't think that you were actually gonna follow through with that.
Oh my god, Wait, hold on, wait is that actually what it is?
That's what I was setting him up for, But I thought he was gonna say something else. It has to be a different word.
It's gotta be. It's gotta be. But ped is like the word for foot.
There's an old zeno grossing meal zin.
Yeah. Like the stains, I I know what the stains in this house Shaw, if you could see, if you could see the squalor we fucking live in, it's really nasty and I don't have media.
I have media. Uh, it's real, it's real media. Micro Cosm by Veronica Everheart and I love that song. Really, She's gooded micro Cosm by Veronica Everheart and rock Solid by two Shell.
Well cheap a Matto, Sure, Moonchild, Like, what the fuck do you want?
Bye,