You're Not the Person I Married! w/ Mr. & Mrs. KevOnStage

pop though. It was not a dry eye in the house, and I think I need to redo all my I dudes, what I need to redo as dead as baby. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis. You may know us were posting funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making me derby most days. And one more important thing to mention,

we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows

off to a whole new levels. Starts now. So July three, two thousand and ten, I was sitting in my room and I was like, I gotta commit to forever for this woman. So I was like, you know what, I'm gonna just go up there and do what I do.

I'm gonna just wing it. I'm gonna go up there that day, just wing it when it came time for vows, and then I called my brother right, and my brother I was like, yo, b I'm good, Like I could talk, I talk, I can go up there and just winging my vows right, And he was like, no, that's a long ass tom Be. I was like, yeah it is. It is a long time. So he said, you think you might want to take ten minutes and write some fucking fowls. So I was like, all right, I'm gonna

do that. I sat down, I started writing, and I had to change my paper so many times because my tears. I kept going on to the paper. I'm serious, because I really started to think about how much I was in love with someone, and then I started thinking about the fact that I can't change my mind after tomorrow. It was scary, but it was also like heartwarming here and now I promised to love faithfully fun I need right now. I love you, girl, girl, girl, You're lucky.

We got guests because we have guests. Dim the lights. So listen, people, you've probably heard about the laugh already. The guests are this guy laughed a couple of times, having a good time. We were supposed to bet about what's happening this week and then introduced the guests, but he introduced himselves last. Listen. No, so we're excited to have with us today. Mr and Mrs keV on stage. Y'all know them as Kevin Melissa from The Love Hour.

You guys have been asking me for about a year when y'all going to get with Kevin dead has need to get with the Love Hour like you've been asking in. It's here now and it's the first of len guys. Thank you, thank you. Welcome to Los Angeles, Gas Prices. Ain't who woke? That was not over. I saw your story and I was crying. He parked his car and he's like I'm not going to nowhere of it. I'll stay right here before I buy gas. That I was mad. I was so mad. I've never seen the Vale drive

so slow in my life. And I'm just like, babe, you can you can go a little fat here five And He's just like, I put my audible on my book. My book would take my audable and I was just listening to my books driving twenty four months hour not people was honking, looking down trying. I was like, we need to find another way. So y'all need to show us the way. What is the way out here? With gas? Guys, it's can pray. That's how I gonna get through long? How do it? So if y'all remember, Kevin Melissa were

with us at Fest. So for those of you who were lucky enough to be there for our live show, they were on stage. It was a angela Ge and Shrews Jackson. Don't say his name right, I was my bad bro. You know it's never love but anyway, alright, so you'll know all have a good love story, right, okay, So tell me about your love story. I met Melissa on the first day of school in junior year. Mrs Chapman's US history class teach his name. Yes, I remember this like it was Yes, it was a life changing

moment for me. And I remember like, man, I gotta I gotta holler at this girl. I have to. So as I'm looking at her and thinking like what am I gonna approach? How am I gonna approach her, this dude taps me on the shoulder and has a note and he's like, can you hand this to her? And it's a letter to Melissa, And I'm like, god, damn, this dude beat me to the punch. So I handed the person has the toss, she opens it, looks at it for a second, closes it, puts it down, and

doesn't even look at the dude. I'm like, so you're telling me there's a chance. Like from that moment, I'm like, okay, she ain't gonna play no games. So we live in the same neighborhood, around the block from each other, brote this same bus. I mean I was on her early, but she was not trying to have it because I was trying to I was talking to various various girls. I mean, come on, you see it. Uh. So I remember like holing at her and she was like. She

was like, nah, I tell my friends how her. She's like nah. She was like, you're a fisherman. You out here trying to get all these girls ain't gonna be me. So then I was like, I let these girls go. I let this girl's girl. Bro. I don't even need him. So I stopped talking to everybody I was talking to, and by the grace of God, I asked to be my girlfriend. She wasn't happening, and her cousin Tony was like, man, come on this man, give him a chance. Man k

my boy because he used to hoop together. We used to share clothes and stuff, and he was like, man, give Kevi a chance. She was like okay. She grabbed my hands. Okay, Tony, you see we will I'll date him. Okay, are you happy? Then she threw my hand and that was how we started dating. She was telling her cousin, fine, I will marry you. Are you happy? No, damn? She was against is how we started there. And I was like, I'll take it. I was taken. I'll make the best

out of this. Uh, And then we That was fifteen two thousand when she grabbed my hand aggressively and then through it and I never let it go. Oh my god, Cathy, that he that's what's up. That's amazing. I was in love with her from the moment I met her. She wasn't in love with me for for a lot longer. Oh so this was It was like the first because because I knew now, I felt couldn't get up. I have no beard, no nothing bear, no beard, no bed. But he was swimming though. Were the original ways? Were

the original bears? No? Two three sixty three sixty No do large decision? God, man, I you don't even gotta worry about She couldn't. She couldn't help herself. That's all I saw, because then it was just like the head and then it's like little body. And I wasn't looking potential Christians. I was like, he made it to the league. People used to be like, oh, yeah, she's because he's going to the league. I was like, you think I had the forest had to see him game to go

to anybody's league. You had this paper. This was me in college like this look like a potspoon, did you guys lead? We actually went to the same elementary school and we cased cats throughout. We kept just like weaving weaving. We went to rival high schools and then finally started dating um in college. Oh my goodness, on each other pretty long time. But we're talking about vows and it's great to have you guys, because you guys have been married.

You have two beautiful boys. And I always want to ask other married men, like did you write your vows? Or did you win it? Because I know you you good off the cuff, like me, I didn't anything after thee. I feel like we got a lot of we were One of the things about being married so long ago is people weren't doing all the cool stuff, all the other ways we went to. It was like it was like cookie cutter. I didn't know you could even do you to have hashtags now, I'm like, man, we didn't

get to do none of that stuff. You got married two thousand three four four is there? I could tell you I've been mad a long time. You don't even remember when y'all got two thousand four because our wedding, our wedding program has the wrong date on it realized that to like this year we were moving some stuff around. We're like, man, we never noticed this fifteen years. It was two thousand four years ago, fifteen years ago out.

So is there anything that you both wish you prepared for before marriage, like after the fact, now that you are, you're like, man, if I had known that, I would have done X y man, there's a lot everything I feel like. So getting married so young. People always talk about how great that is, how cute that is, and all that stuff. But it's also the drawback of it is you are not fully developed like we were twenty

one and twenty Yeah, super young. We're fully in love, but we didn't, Like, you don't even know that much about yourself at that age. So it's not that I would have, like, um, gotten married later. I wouldn't have been earlier. I actually pitch pitched to Melissa, let's do this now come out. You would have got married earlier. Things you show side, what do you think about tomorrow? You know, because the financial aid for married people was out of this world, and I was like, bro, we're

gonna be good. Let's just come on a plane. When that first financially chicked in, kicked in post marriage, like we should have been with it a long time ago. You're talking about where I gotta get to know we could do all that together. Cut these loans down. So ladies, let me ask you all a question. You gotta say vows too. You know you heard I wrote my down cried Kevi wing did because keV just be off the top booth. How did y'all do y'all vows? You know?

I was kind of like you. I sat, you know, in the wedding planning and there's like a ton of things going on. That was actually one of the last things I did, and not that it wasn't of importance. The last thing is the vows. She was like, man, I got one more, you know, it got the flowers, who got the DJs? There's a lot of logistics, so but on my to do list it's there. It was. There was the vows. And I sat the night before and I did the same thing. I was kind of

just like ripping. It didn't sound good. I didn't know. I think I was so young too that I didn't know what was supposed to sound right. And my thing, the thing that I did wrong, I was writing it thinking about how it would sound to other people and not really writing it for him. Yes, so I can admit that now, like I can see that that's why I need to read personally. That's why you said you need to redo your do all my eye do what I thought you said you wanted to read like you

want to get married or more. I'm about to be like you stuck. I want to do a redo. That means I need a vow renewal. Yes, so we can have all the things. Yes, all of the things, all of the face. And I'll tell you for me it's um. I want to redo for my I do because it wasn't personal and I felt like a lot of I let a lot of people and outside forces dictate to me what my wedding day was gonna look like. I'm

going to look like all of it, like everything. Even now, when I look at my wedding pictures, I'd be like I could do my makeup better today. You know, I want want hashtag. Yeah, I want to have a hashtag. And I want to have a Nigerian wedding. Hello Nigerian yo. I said the same thing about Indian weddings everything. Why do they have the most lit weddings? Yes, in the world. I know we're not Nigerian. I feel like it can

it be cultural appropriation if we're African American? Um at something but I wanted I'm gonna talk to some people see if I can get This is what you do. First, you go find out where your roots are. If you if you want to fist Nigerian, then you can have a Nigerian wedding. But then you gotta tell all your friends. They gotta give gifts like Nigerians give gifts, you know, because they give you gotta bring some bread hundred dollars minimum in Syning, Like yeah, that's what weddings were for

at one point. It was a way for the culture to come together and get you started as a family. And here this is what you have his your nest egg. Now it's like yea, I'm gonna do this weddings and get free drinks, free drinking, and people wonder why you're not getting invited, like Brona, it's too expensive to be an outlier friend. Yeah, I don't even know you like that. We were looking at our wedding picture of the crowd. I don't remember half to not even half more than

half of those people. I don't even remember them at all. A lot of it too, for it was our parents too who they wanted to invide their friends. People who have seen you grow up. I said, man, we do this viralnew it's gonna be meet you and the boys on the mountaintop. It's a circle of people. You know what I just told my homeboy's getting married. I don't want to out him because he was like the value, I don't know who to invite him? Not to invite my friends, and said, this is what you do. You

take all your friends out for dinner, a lunch. Right when the check comes. Those friends that say, oh, let me see what I got. Don't invite them to your wedding. Don't because those are type of friends exactly. They won't put in no tax on nobertuity, they won't put in a seven ninety nine, and they're gonna leave first. You don't invite those people to your wedding. The friends you invite will be like, what's the total its tax include? All right, let's just split it the type of fans

you invite to your women. You know what I'm saying? That was great? Yeah, I feel like it's almost switched because I hear a lot more dude talking about being married for legacy purposes, and now a lot more women are like, my legacy is not gonna be having your babies. So it almost seems like at a time it was we were brought up to be players, and y'all were brought up to be wise. And I was like, we're raising our men to try to be husbands and women

are being brought up not to be wives. And it's funny to see that, you know, happen now with all the millennials, and now they were gen Z. Yeah, gen Z. Gen Z does not believe in marriage the way we were brought up to believe in marriage. What do you guys think about that? Lesten was saying that she was taught or her in the church. It was like, you should be a wife. She should be a wife, but in her in her family, and I'll let you speak to it. She wasn't taught to her nor her sisters,

but we were. But there was also an aspect of be independent. My mother too, So no matter if you have a man or not, it's me and I have two younger sisters. My dad taught us how to change a tire. My dad taught us. He tried to teach us how to change the oil in our how to do but he tried to do that when we were brought up. And when he taught us how to drive, we learned in a stick shift. I took my driver's test in a stick shift. I can back up perfectly.

I was always taught that. So when we got together, even today, low ki um, I still be like, don't you ever forget you? Why I am a capable woman? I don't know. I asked you to do something because I want you to do to have a dependency. But then, what's up with that pickle jar all open? Oh? When it's to get that al all type of stuff scared? Keep that same enha? What about that spot of this

more in you independent? What if I wasn't there, just opened up the pickle jars because I pre loosened that you ain't enough to open it and you and also I had you in mind when I found a place with central air now, so there's no lifting eight season and out the window. No, man, you get that, you get that right. But when it's time for that garbage to go out, it's time to go out late at night to check out what that sound was. That's when the eyes get real big, and she looking at me

like maybe did you hear that? Did you hear that? And I'm like, yeah, I heard. That's just because you're my best friend. We just so happened to be married, so you know, we're doing what best buddies dear. So okay, so I got so, I got a question. Right. Men are expected to do certain things in a relationship. Right. And it was a clip recently that Fantasia spoke about Yes on the Breakfast Club. Yes, And we're gonna We're gonna play the clip and then I'm want to get

you guys thoughts. Okay, because this is this is a very interesting clip. Every morning at four thirty in the morning, I wake my wife up and we pray, we'll talk a salute that because we need more of that, you know what I mean? We need more men to stand up and lead the way. Most women are trying to be the leader. That's why you can't find a man. You can't be the king in the house. Fall back and be the queen and let your man lead lead

the way. What does that mean? You can't be a leader because a lot of women looking like new I can lead him? How who I could do this? In my that that's now it's supposed to be. And that's why we bump heads and I feel like it's a generational thing and we can talk, we can go real deep on that, and I'm not need I don't need to start that. But it's a generational curse and how society have placed our men and women have to to stand up and be the mother and the father and

the provider. And so then now you are so bad you so you can't be told nothing that when the right man come, you lose them because you're trying to be the the man. Can we be equal? Of course? Was the at the end of the day on the neck. My man's the head, so he can't make any moves without his wife. You know what I mean? It all works together, but you can't be the head of the house. You've got to let the man be the head of the house. So I want to hear you guys thoughts.

I know that my wife is very vocal about these things, and I know Melissa is very vocal about it. I have my own unique idea about so we're talking submission, submission, submission, my thoughts. I think that um okay, So I have like every evolving thoughts. Number One, we grew up very churchy and Fantasia did as well, so I understand the um position from which she starts growing up in the church, and when you're in that world, um submission means, you know,

let allowing your husband to lead. I believe that all submission means is to be under one mission. That's all sub meaning. Under a mission, a household mission, a house divided, it cannot stand. So if I have a mission for our family and you have a mission for our family and they don't um overlap, they don't agree, they're not congruent, congruent, then we have division in our household. I believe that all we need to do is come together. We have a conversation. And that's not to say you just make

a decision without my input. We are partners in this thing together, so let me let us come together agree on how we're going to move forward. And then from there, if you want to lead, child baby, I got you. I can stand beside you, and that's it. I don't think submission has to be a thing about, um, I'm in charge and I'm behind you, or you know what I mean. It doesn't have to be this power struggle. That's what I wanted. It doesn't have to be this

power struggle. To me, it literally just means having one mission from your household. Yeah, because you know what, I think the negative connotation that the word submission has is really the root of this change. For you think of submission, you're thinking of someone is ultimately the ultimate power that the ruler of all the land and everything else is the peasants, and they have to listen to I even

pulled up the definition of submission. Justice is what it says, and it says the act or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or the will or authority of another person. So we were forced into submission in itself the triggering factor into the idea of submission, I think.

I think for men, when I was taught about submission, it's you leave the household, you tell your wife what y'all are going to do, right, And I think that's the dangerous part is I'm going to tell you what you're gonna what we're gonna do, and you're gonna follow me blindly. What has worked better for us is I present a plan for our review. Right. So when we're moving to l A, this is probably the best example of submission and being in alignment ever. We're moving to

l A it was my desire, my vision. I said, here's what I want to do. Here's how much money I think we need to have saved. Here's how I think we get it. Here's what I think we should do with the house. Here's the part of l A. I think we should live in, where the kids will go to school, where I'm gonna work, how long we

can live on our savings. So you had you did diligence, you know, and I had Bible scriptures to reference, Like, here's where I think right now, I have a whole thing right from Washington right, no family in l A. I mean, you weren't even this far in our careers. It was just like, here's how I think it's gonna work. So I presented that to Melissa and then she gave me her thoughts on it. She was like, so, I'm gonna tell you. I'm gonna be honest with chocolate. We

found part of my plan. What's to do with the house. Let it go to foreclosure. I'm gonna get that back. Don't even foreclosure. Everybody's going to foreclosure was a good bankruptcy Trump did ab times. So she was like, what do we just rented the house out? I was like, that's a great idea. Why it was either paying the mortgage or dope, you know what I'm saying. So and then in the house thing, I was like, here's the cheapest part of l A will live in North Hollywood.

And she's like, because we're moving from the house to an apartment, which was already hard for because we own in our house for five six years by that time. So she's like, look, my only thing is in the house. We need a washer and dryer in the unit. Not taking I'll handle a lot keV but I won't. I was like, what about right across the hallway the house because we had small kids. Whatever, I'm not gonna be you know. So I'm like, okay, so now and we work down the line about jobs, about all that. So

then as a team. So what I really as a man, what you don't want is your wife to be able to say I told you so, right, if you don't have her on your side with the plan, if you would never to be failed, if any one of your plans fans she liked, And this is what I told you. But if you work together, whether you fail or succeed, y'all did it together? Now? There's no animosity. It's like, well, shoot, I thought that was gonna work. I thought it was

too it didn't, but we're good. Instead of I told you that wouldn't work, and now it didn't work, and this is why we're messed up. Well, it's great that you have an actual plan that she came with, so it's not just like throwing something around and me and like, yeah, you know, we'll figure out. You had a plan. Also, what you didn't do was give her the plan and say this is the plan. Less So there's a conversation, and she brought a lot to it that I haven't.

And now I felt like we're moving to l A instead of I'm taking my family to l A and I have her buying. When you have your buying, things go smoothly, even if the life is rough. Absolutely, because back to New York. See my my issue with submission is it goes back to the route right now. We talked about this early in the green room that I've always had issues with religion and I've always questioned things right.

So for me, it was always about even as a young kid, it's like, Okay, we pray to the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, there's no women when women are the creators of life. Right, So we don't pray to any women, we don't honor any women. We only

pray the fathers. Then this idea that you cannot lead a household at all just because you're a women a woman, to me just just seems very antiquated in archaic, because there are men who are better followers or direction takers, then there are leaders, and there are women who are

better direction givers than there are followers. So if you're a man, right and we talk about a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, if you're a man who just takes direction better, you're telling me you're not deserving of a wife because you can't lead, what I'm saying. And if you're a woman who was a better leader, you're telling me that you don't deserve a husband because you're not willing to submit. There are great partnerships in the world where the woman takes the reins

and the man follows. That's that's a good that's a good marriage up. That is a great point. You see what I'm saying, But I mean it's oprah. You think you know in that relationship dynamic. Thank you, and to me, that's the whole idea. They are winning and don't he got to complaint in his life? That, to me is the whole idea behind submission. To me just doesn't seem to make sense that automatically. It's like, well, if I get married, I gotta take the lead. Some dude, just

like I don't want to take the lead. My life a genius planner, you know what I'm saying. And some some women are just like, yo, I'm not listening to you, bro, but I love you. I love that. It's also listening. It's also to knowing each other's strengths and weaknesses. You have to know what you're capable of and when you need to digress, and you know, tag me in, bro, this is what you're good at. Let's have a conversation about it and you take the lead. You're not very similar.

I defer to my wife a whole lot because my my ego, I have a big ego, just like you have a huge My ego is so big. My ego is so big that I know what I don't know, and I know at certain times she's gonna get me where I need to be. So Okay, what we're doing, we're what we're doing, what we're going. Just handle that, Yes, let me do whatever it is. That much of my

career success is that, like what do you think? And then listening to what she thinks and then being cool with knowing what you don't know and trusting somebody that but you gotta that starts with the place of trust. You trust and value Caden's input, and therefore her opinion carries weight likelutely, that's one thing that we as men have to value, like man, this is the reason she's in my life is to help me, and I value her opinion like it's not one thing I didn't do

a lot in my marriage. I would I was working on Melissa would plant the first seed as a good idea, but I wouldn't take it initially right because I felt like I needed to be the man and I gotta do my thing. So then somebody in my circle would echo her sentiment, sometimes a man, a lot of times

a man. And then I'd be like, I'm gonna do that, and then she started calling me on a life bro, I've been told you, and now you do it because this person said it, or because you think it's your idea, like what about doing it when I suggested to you? Why is it? Why did somebody else have to echo that sentiment before? I think that was some residual like I can't take advice from you and lead you. But now threw all that out and like, I'm gonna just listen to you early and often. Han't got me. It

hasn't stayed me wrong. It comes with the trust you, Absolutely, it comes with the trust. And I will say this though about what Fantasia said. Part of the problem with within the black community is that no one is willing to take that step back. For example, she said, you gotta let men be men. Let's think about when you're when you're brought up as a woman, right, You're brought up as a woman to find a man who's alpha male. He's a conqueror, he dominates, he does this, he does that.

So if you're chasing these type of men, the men who conquer, who dominate, who win, who do all this other stuff. But then in that relationship you want to compete with him to who's the leader, that's gonna be toxic because you chase the type of man that now you want to compete with him He's not gonna let you beat him everything, So somebody has to at that point decide who was going to fall back and let them,

you know, be the leader. And I think there's a lot of truth to what she said there because in our community we're not taught this dynamic because marriage is not taught anymore. Women are taught you may have to take care everything by yourself, so be prepared to do it in lead, and then men are taught man these holes. Yeah, you know what I'm saying, You could do all this other stuff. So there's no dynamic of marriage together. And

I think it starts from from the youth. And she say in her in her clip something about like being the neck that stabilized something like yeah, and I've heard that a long time ago before, and I think that so true. Tiffany said it, Yes, shout out. She's the one that said that. She's like, I'm like the neck of the report. He could be ahead and you can stay everything, he can rotate and look around, but just

know where it centered at, you know. And I feel like first asked about where he's going in the next couple of days when his travels, like he don't know because I made all the travel plans, this one in expedient with hotel and flights. That's not what I do. But taking that taking that weight off of him, that's true, but he can go ahead and be creative and produce content. You you could spend them, definitely. But how did y'all

get to that point? Because the biggest thing we like to do on dead asses talk about the problem, talk about what we went through that problem, But how what were the mechanisms that got us to a place now where we can have this conversation openly And it's different and maybe it may have been different for you guys, and it was for us. And and Mel I kind of want to hear your perspective because I like to hear women's perspective because I try to understand my wife, Yes,

a lot more, you know what I'm saying. Shall we are? When keV was going through his stuff, what were you doing to try to find your place? One of the things that I think is so important is that we all recognize something that you were just talking about, is

that dynamics and nuance. And so instead of going into any relationship, whether it be your marriage or friendship or work environment, whatever, try to lay aside your preconceived notions, your assumptions of what it should look like, and let it evolve based on again strengths, weaknesses, what you do best, what I do best, Like, let it evolve and become your own. I think a lot of times we have this is what a wife should do, is what a husband should do. And maybe, like you said, I'm actually

not the travel planner in our relationship. Kevin is. He does all the travel planning. And that's a perfect example. You said that, because now if I talk to Kevin, like, now, let your wife do that, because she's a wife exactly, That's what I'm Meanwhile, this is the number one. He loved it, and yeah, I'm trying to put in the night one, two days vacation. In our family, I'm the balance book person, so I'm looking at the final numbook. Let's look how much this is gonna go. This was

one of the one for our relationship. In my circle, every man told me you got to be the one to pay the bills and do the finances. But it wasn't my strength. So I was trying to do it just to appease them, and I'm forget mostly was just forgetting it ain't really my thing. Like I grew, I'm trying to spend this back they're gonna give me. I'm trying to spend it. So I remember deacon, like some of our marriage, me listens like I think I should take over, and I was just like, I think it's best.

She's more of a saver, she's more conservative, she's more administrative, and she was better with the money than I was. She had more revision, so I was cool with that. And I remember I told her a deacon in our church and he was like, you can't be the man in your house, and like, I absolutely care. I'm still going to work. I'm putting the money to the joint account.

What works for our relationship work. So part of it was me being like, bro, if that's not y'all, all of y'all, if that works for all y'all, that don't mean it works for me for my family. This plus all that stuff ain't nobody's business. That's true. That's true. So I put the money in there, she sends it out or sent it up on a hair or whatever

the case. And that's what we have to do, is have those type of like conversations, put aside everything that you think it should be and have an honest dialogue with between you and your spouse and decide what works for us. Otherwise you will be in a relationship struggling try to meet a standard that was never designed with you in mind. Whole entire word. I don't know how she gets. She got long fingers, it's so loud, I

bet so. I got a question for y'all. What do y'all think of the top three things people need to know after they say the vows, the things they can work on in your marriage. I'm going to go first. I know what you might say, Um, yes, and um. This is actually our number one piece of marriage advice that we give to every single person every single time we're asked we're about to get married. Do you have any advice for us? Um, expect nothing to say the same,

and expect everything to change. Expect nothing to stay the same, and expect everything to change, because that's true. Grow and evolve. And actually someone said it to us this way just the other day. Who I'm married is not who I'll end up with. And so when I think about the evolution, Kevin gives us an example. All the time we got married at twenty and twenty one. He didn't like spicy food. Today he does. We got married at twenty and twenty one.

I didn't like avocados. Now I love avocados. Guacamo. Would give it all to me. All of those things are evolving and changing. Yes, yes, And so to expect this person to be exactly who I'm married on the day I said I do fifteen years later, it's unrealistic to I would want you to. I would hope that you weren't the same person. People hostage to that because we don't want them to grow and evolved together. Or what's worse is we married someone and expect them to change

and they don't. Now women do that a lot, I would. I would say this. I've heard from a lot of I've heard from a lot of women. They sent me demail, d M and emails and their biggest thing is I married him hoping that I can make him who I wanted. I never hear I hear men saying the opposite. I married her Now she totally different, which is funny because we go into marriage with two different things. I said this to K and that's why I touched the shoulder.

We had this argument. Sting was about three weeks ago, and I was just like, man, you are not the same person that I'm married, And she was just like, I'm not gonna be and either you, and I was just like, damn, be right, You're right. I have changed as well a lot of times. That so. So one of the things but liked about me when we were dating and engage is my work ethic. But at that time, my work ethic was in regards to working for someone else. I went to Berger King. When we first met, I

worked row my bike, never missed a day work. Then um I worked at a daycare in a bank, and she's like, yes, because her dad was in the army, he never missed work, all that type of stuff. What she wasn't expecting is that I was always ambitious and before I met her, I had my own even at like ten, I sold candy. I used to buy candy on base and resell at a higher value. In my school, face was ghost candy industry, so I was a ghost

and then I had a lot more business. So I always was like, I'm not gonna work for the man forever. But I never told her that, yeah for real, for real. So once I got fired from my job, the stable job. She was expecting me to keep that same and go to another bank, go back to Bank America whatever. And then I was just kind of like, I think I want to stand. Yeah, this is a sign from God. She's like no, no, God said go back right, and

I was like, yeah, he telling us different stuff. So now she has to be used to a person who's not gonna go work that regular nine five because I did it again at Boing and I was gonna get fired again. It was just a matter of time because I'm my girl for your absolutely absolutely nobody can find that often, but that type of work ethic. Nobody with that type of work ethic gets fired that times. I didn't. And that's what I'm pointing at him, Like, how in the world did I missed? I see, I got, I got,

I got family does that. I'm not gonna shout them out, but I have family who are brilliant, And I'm like, you can't keep a job. You got eighty degrees, you're fully focusing a healthier note. You can't keep a job as you don't want to do that, Like I never really wanted to do that. I just didn't see no option. And once I saw a stand up, I'm like, ah, here's my thing. And now that ambition was like, she's

get to see ambitious version of me. And now that awoke in the ambitious version of her because she used to be nine to five McGhee, I'm gonna just do that. Now she's like, oh, I gotta do the conference, and I got the book club and I got this book right and these events, and now you know, our dynamic is changing. And now, to be honest, now I gotta deal with a different hurt. So at first in our relationship, she stayed at home and worked. I try with this

stand up. When I came home, we cuddled with hang out. Now she started YouTube page a couple years ago with her home girl. Now they're making YouTube videos. I come home, she can't even pick it up from the airport like you can uber. I know how I feel that should hurt the woman in the bedroom. I'm in the bedroom like, oh,

so you could just hang out with her? And now when I come home, I love you, but stay out there, hang out with your friends, play a little stupid game, and when I come back, you better be happy on me. I'm not hold on I sund like the black woman. That's me, Bro, that's me in my house with the kids. She walking, she walking, My clothes as a mess. I got a head tie on, I got my arms crossed. They're like, where where are you? She was out gallivin.

I've always gallivant fens and my little one repeats everything, so Kyro will be like, mommy, no gallivan. She's like, you can't tell the boys that. I'm like, it would be nice. And that's why I love you. You keeping the house. When k got the makeup job and you were like happy for it, and then he was just like, god, what you was doing was it's Bruno, Bruno. I was

going for an entire month. Oh my god, you did another video about being at home with the kids, because that first one went viral and it was just two. Now you had three months. I had three and I was by myself. I was she would come in the house. I would just be mad. She would come out and she was like, hey, baby, to go. I was like, don't, hey, baby, and you ain't getting nothing to wait what that was the one time when she was coming out be like I'm tired and I have a headache, and he got

a headache and I'm bloated, so don't touch me. Don't touch pretty much pretty much, so great, and i'd be low key life. Thank god, going to sleep. We're going to sleep. I was going through a lot of don't judge me. I was going, guess, what's the second thing you could give us? On top of Melissa said, you're absolutely right. You took what I was gonna say. I think the most important thing we learned outside of that

is to make your relationship your own. Are early, especially my early missteps, I was I was doing marriage and Richmond at church, listen to my pastor, listen to the deacons and all that stuff. But then I applied. I try to apply directly what they said directly to my wife. But my pastor was speaking from this point of view with his wife. So my wife, his wife was gifts. Was her love language? This before we read the Acts

of I mean, the five love languages. So he's like, you know, you give her a giving, you get the drugs, then you get and the drugs. So I'm like, okay, so I'm giving my wife gifts and I'm not getting the drugs. Give me the gift back. He said. This was gonna work. Buff y'all made me mad because hept so then I realized that I was trying to speak his wife's love language to my wife, and I had to learn her love language and what moved her. And

then the same thing with the deacon. I was trying to do his financial plan because that's what he did. And then I realized, man, let me just throw all that out. I'll take this information in and then see what works for me and Melissa. And once we decided, I decided for myself, I'm gonna do what works for us and not worry about what other people think. We all what are people are gonna say? And all that, None of that stuff matters. All we are responsible for

is making this one relationship work. And when we threw out everybody else's visions and thoughts and what they worked and their expectations and throw all that out and just was like, let's see what works for us, let's try some things out. Then things started to go smoothly. And that that that made so much difference in our in our marriage. That's like a concurring theme whenever we speak

to you know, married couples. Yeah, it's like a not judging other people's situations and doing what works for you. That's what you're been hearing a lot lately when it comes like that. How about legacy building with the kids. Let's round out this third topic. We can't just round out. Let you stop what people want to know about Mary sex. You guys talk about your love life. It's called the love hour bad. You've been trying to skip sex all the time. All right, You're not gonna do that to

me today. You just so your kest talk about giving gifts and get in the draws in the draw. How do you guys keep your love life together because you both travel a lot, you got two kids, Like, how do you do it? You know, we talk about it, talk about it has evolved over our marriage. Like there was pre kids sex both getting to know each other. There's post one kid sex, which is totally different sex with the newborn. It's just like, bro, I mean, you take what you can take it. It's third and fifteen.

You gotta check down. I just got the full We just gotta get this Fiel position. We're hoping for a turnover. Like listen, man, they covered everything, so there's a couple of years of taking with you a couple of you can get and then the kids start growing up, and then there's as your body evolved, what you change because we have the added uh pressure of Melissa was growing up in the she grew up in the purity movement. So in order to remain a virgin, everything was bad.

Sex is bad, this is bad, this is bad. This is and then when you get married, it's like, okay, have sex, have as much fun as you want. And then but all those thoughts are still you know what thought about that? Yeah, that is so true. All that advice that was valuable the moment you say I do if not only invaluable, it's now harmful advice. It now counteracts everything about being free, Like you can't just flip that switch about freedom. There's a whole because you're not

allowed to learn about yourself during that time. Don't do don't even touch it, don't look at it, don't look in the mirror. Let a doctor touch you. You don't tickle yourself down there, and now be free with your husband and and oh it's cool now liked you can't touch yourself. Now you got that somebody else touching? What are we doing? But hold on, this is an issue that I've never thought about. Right. We teach our daughters about right and don't do nothing down there, don't spoil,

don't do nothing right. But boys just go out and show you while. So you out there having all of this freaky fun, and then you find a wife, and you want your wife to be able to have all this freaky fun that she's never had because if she was trying to be pure. How do those two people meet in the bedroom and find joying what they're doing. I never thought about this. I've never thought about, Yes, let's see what you did there? How do um? Number one,

It's been an ever evolving process for me. It's the reason, honestly we started the Love Hour because that's quite literally my story. UM. But for me, what I have done number one is that I have retrained and educated myself on what it means to be a sexual being and recognizing that God created me this way. I know I'm real churchy, but God created me this way, and he um designed me the way, and it was purposed by design. That's not a mistake. I can own the fact that

I am a sexual being. And then I had to recognize that I was brainwashed. Is the term that I use, and I use brainwashing because I say that brainwashing is being confronted with the truth and still holding onto the lie.

So the fact that I know better today about my sexuality, I'm more in tune with my body, I'm a married woman, all of those things, but I still struggle with those old thoughts of the purity movement that residue, that shame, that guilt, that body shaming that I learned from there, I still struggle with today, fifteen years into my relationship. That's brainwashing and so trying to undo those thoughts in

my mind. It's ever evolving, but I'm always educating myself and evaluating what do I think about We just had this conversation earlier? What do I think about this topic? Is it? Uh? Huh? We were talking about masturbation and so and so I go downward. I'm teaching my self to ask myself these three questions. Is there a biblical truth about this? Does the Bible speak on this? Because I'm a Christian, I want to follow the Bible. Okay, so does the Bible speak on this? Yes? Or Now?

Let's say the answer is, now, do I have a personal conviction about this? Yes? Or now? Do I have a personal preference with this. Once I go through all of those questions, I have checked off the things that are important to me. What does God say about it, what do I say about it? And do I even want to do it? Go through that and then forget all the rest of y'all. I don't need all these other opinions. In the church world, we often say that, um,

we bring in other people into our bedroom when it's porn. Well, I just would like to submit to you on today that when you get the opinions of other folks, you are allowing those opinions into your your bringing other people into your bedroom. Again, submission to me. One mission you and I. Let's talk about what you're comfortable with. Let's talk about your red light, your green light, your yellow light,

what you want to. Let me talk about what mine are, and let's come to an agreement on what we are going to do together. I don't care now nothing about with all of these other because the other day I had a yellow light for a couple of years and then it became a red light with something he did to me, and I was like, it's a red light now, all right now? I was like he was always kind of yellow yellow, it's just red. So I don't do

that no more. And I think and the thing about that devil has to honor that because if he doesn't, you lose trust in your relationship. Trust. Then now the stuff that was green is now yellow. And then everything that was yellow long yellow. You know everything, and you got to really just understand that, um, what matters to you, to all is all that matters, and it's I love that something that was yellow is now red and something that's yellow could also be a green, and it's average it.

And that's why you have we used this analogy. You guys have iPhone. Guys blessed you. So when you're using an iPhone, that's a it's a lot like right. So when you have an iPhone, you get updates throughout the year ten point oh to ten point one, and then they tell you, okay, these things are changing. This is how you do this. Okay, cool, got It's gonna take a little time to get used to that. And then sometimes it goes from ten to eleven and it's a

huge update. And in your marriage, you are always learning about that update. So what used to be cool ain't cool no more. The way I used to feel about you. I don't feel that way about more the way I used to feel like the one that's was crazy. Melissa had to change in herself. She was saying she used to be very vocal and and this and that, and then when she got married, she felt like she had to submit and she didn't know how to do that,

so she just muted herself down. And then late last year she decided, I'm about to get back to the old me where I feel, you know, I feel confident to stand up for what I believe. People. She was talking about that you love me and keV as much as y'all love mind she was ridiculous in the thought, and she said, is a bigger corporation Disney, And she came back like I was tripping when she did that

and herself. That now affected me because she had let my ego like she let me get away with saying stuff her that bothered her and she wouldn't check me on it. Now she checking me left and right. And I'm like, okay, listen, I get this the new you, But is there a nicer way you can say that? Because first of all, respect me both. Let me let me tell you something sometimes I have had to kind of stand up, like you see this bear right said, I would shave this bed off tomorrow if you don't

watch your tone. I would love to say, because when they go through that, and they go through that, you know, I'm a woman now I'm gonna speak up. So and I told her to listen baby. Sometimes you know you speak to me like I'm a boy down and I'm not gonna taken respect sometimes more than love. Yes, And they'd be like, Okay, first of all, don't disrespect me. And I'm cool with your change. I cool with, but

don't disrespect. Yeah. So I think that was an important thing for us, and it's people assume that at this point our marriage, it's coasting. Of course, man, I put in the over the last six seven months with this big change, I feel like I'm working much harder on loving this version of her. As a married person, you're responsible for loving the current version of your spouse at

all times. Know that's the vowe. Knowing them, watching their changes, they're they're ups, there, downs their changes, and I gotta learn to the vowel bro sickness and health rich through all the changes, loving yes. And some of these versions are tough, like bro. This new version of I would say what I want like and everybody sees it's her

in her interactions with everyone, not just me. So I've got to learned and some changes are Sometimes you're out your phone changes it's like, man, I don't know nothing is and you'd be looking at the same person and

be like, I don't even recognize you. Like this, it is analogy, and it's good to have this conversation with other married people who've been married a long time, because when you're married, sometimes you feel like I'm the only married person going through this, you know, you feel like you're the only married couple, and you're like, what's wrong with my marriage with I feel like it's such hard work.

And I hear people say all the time love shouldn't be that much harder your kids and how much it work that is to wipe their but why is their p fee them? We're going be like, that's love and unconditional love and unconditional and your kids can't do nothing for you. At least my wife can do stuff fun. They can't do nothing value to your life. And I feel like that's what people misunderstand. They feel like the longer y'all get the easier should be. And actually for

us it's been the inverse. Our marriage. We didn't know anything like this is cool. But as we start evolving, because the thing is, people get married thirty five, they're more developed. Yes, they know who they are and things like that, they might to be making as many big changes years a lot. We hadn't had no kids yet we didn't and and the thing is crazy, like when you have a kid, you expect to change, but when you have an internal change that you don't see coming.

So this last update of Melissa, she you know, at least we are something. You get the hey, we're gonna be making some changes. Here's what you can expect. She didn't even tell me about this. I'm like, man, this she'd been tripping lately. I'm just talking to myself, like, bro, does it feel like she's been tripping lately. So it took us months for her to even explain to me what she was going through. And now I'm like, okay, now things start to make sense. Because it's not as

easy as sending the email. Sometimes you don't even aware of how that looks outside of you. When you're making that change, you don't even see it all the time. You know what I've discovered by bad, but you know what I discovered through this conversation. And it's kind of this is running into our listener letters, but I really don't care because the conversation is so good. But um, as women, right, we always tell our women from young that you always have to conform to the man you're

gonna be with. Right, so in so many ways you have to suppress who you are. Then it comes in awakening at some point in the marriage where it's like, I'm not doing that anymore. And so many marriages struggle because you've been trying to suppress who you really want to be, and you want to suppress who you want to be so that I can love you, and I finally when you say I'm not doing this no more, and you become a natural self. Now we as men

have to readjust to who you really want to be. Yo. That happens listening to you, listening to you, that reminds me of us. Reminds there was a point where she was like, I'm going to do this and do this and do that with my my career. I don't want to act. I'm gonna be a wife. And then she's just like, but I love performance, I love acting. And then for me, I was just like right, and I was just like, well, I didn't I didn't sign up for that. I told you from the beginning that I

wanted to be an actor. I told you, I told you I wanted to be a sex symbol. I told you I want to this. So I told her, I said, hey, if you are marrying me, to understand that I want to be bigger than will Smith. So I want to do I want to save the world from alien invasions. I want to be I want to do that. She knows, That's how she knows. So I told her that. But we as men were allowed to be free what we want to do. That's what I want to do. For her. I was like, okay, baby, about just do whatever it

is you need me. Now She's like, no, I was gonna say that the house. Yes, I was actually gonna say that would be because number three, I would say, number three, don't sacrifice yourself for the um for your spouse. Don't sacrifice and lose yourself for the uplifting for your spouse is maybe a better way to say, don't meet yourself. I call it taking up all of your space forever. I didn't take up all of the space that is, Melissa. I was shrinking, trying to ensure that he was okay.

And one day you need to start hurting because I don't have me every day. Just please get to this woman's knees. Out of that you want that. Old videos do not hold up like that. But you know, I have a couple of friends who are single in their thirties right, and they find it very difficult to now

find someone, you know, the dating scene and whatnot. Whereas couples who are you know, younger in their twenties their dating and they're doing well and they're on their path, and it's a struggle because I think you said by thirty five, you're already set in your ways, and it's harder to find somebody when you're setting your ways because there's not that willingness to kind of bend with valuable anymore. Like I don't even know if I want to make

that much. That's why there's pros and cons. I mean, I feel like when you're young, the beautiful thing about being young and married is that you get to grow and evolve together together. Yeah, you know we do have very similar stories as you're talking more, but you're right. As you get in your the older you get, the more established you because yeahships and stuff. So I wouldn't want to be on a date and scene right now.

I am not, but I will tell you this. The one thing I have learned also from listening to you guys today about the whole um, the sexuality thing and women being allowed to embrace their sexuality. I think it will be easier for a woman to be a wife if she's embraced her sexuality earlier and then be willing to give into her husband, as opposed to being shamed her whole life and now I got to openly give myself.

I think now in this day and age, it would be easier for men and women to agree in that aspect of marriage, But in other aspects it seems a lot harder because you know, women, women are not the scene seen as the same way as they were when we were growing up. It was always like you were a accessory to a man. And that's not the case, you know what I'm saying, And exactly a lot of splace. I don't got no women in my closett. She got

to even have my clothes in our room. Well, listen, took up so much, man, I got to go into other room. Piece of that closet. She got multiple closets, our bedroom, the living room closet, the backroom, office closet. Man, the same person persons, we need you, Oh my god, so we have to come. I mean, y'all keep coming back and keep coming back. We have different topics. We're talking vows and marriage today. We can talk kids another day.

You know, you can talk to absolutely being married. In the industry, you guys stick around and listen to this, because they'd be like, here are two cents. Now we got two four six. We got so when it was just us to it was two cents. But now it's for explain to me how that works. Were just mad sense. We'll be back with these cents after these ads. This for the record. There it is a wind for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons.

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All American Tiger is out now listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts or your favorite podcast app. All right, y'all, So okay, Melissa. People write in all the time asking us all sorts of things. So we pull listener letters, which happens to be one of my favorite parts of the show. Anyone to know what's going on out there. So, um, if y'all don't mind, we're gonna read listeners. See what advice we can give these folks out here. All right, So the first one is I'm in a long term, committed

relationship of seven years. We have two children. Both of us have great careers and are very family oriented. Within the last six to seven months of our relationship, our sex life has declined, and that was in bold declined. I'd take into consideration that his job is very strenuous and he works long hours at an oil refinery operator. I've brought the issue up on multiple occasions. I've even asked, is it me or something that I'm doing that's not turning you on? He says, no, I'm just tired, but

sex twice a month is really pushing it. Yikes. Nothing has changed in any other area of our relationships, so I don't think it's anyone else. I've never cheated. My main concern is if I decided to cheat, I think it will be emotionally attached, or I will be emotionally attached because it's something I'm not getting from home. To cheat or not to cheat is the questions, These type of questions we get millennial married ellis like, like somebody really gonna be like, yeah, girl for it. I just

have a couple of questions. The first thing, I wonder how old they are. If it's sex, like it's just sex, you know, it could be declining his drive It sex drive could be declining healthy words. In the oil refinery, there's a lot of things and factors that could affect a man's sex drive. Is is she still attractive? Is she taking care of herself? Like? These things affect your sex life when both of them he not working out?

He in the on refinery heat tired, she's not working out like they don't, you know, like right, I mean, I would never advise anybody just go out there and cheat. No, no, I don't think, yeah, you know what, cheat on him, chain on that cheap multiple. You know. Um, I totally agree with you that I feel like Um, it could be something as simple as work and how you feel

about yourself. It could be like a this. It could be a dislike of your job, it could be a dislike of where your life is, and that could make you feel undesirable to her. There's a lot of different factors that it's difficult to gauge which is the one, and a lot of times it's not just one concrete things. And sometimes people don't even know what the you know, the mitigating factors are for themselves, so he might not

even be able to point to it, you know. And sometimes like you said, hey, one of our boys, um Tony Baker. Early in marriage he was high desire. Later in life he like he was singing for a wise, I don't really be needing like that, you know. So there is the evolution of biology and changing men go through that. I don't think and realize that sometimes your desire is not you. Sometimes he's just going through something. Yeah,

we're not explaining anything. I'm gonna agree with you. Well, you see it, right, the beard grows, so do other things you wanted the beard? What comes. I can't imagine myself personally feeling like that, But also I don't know myself in ten years. You don't know what you. I can't imagine my life now, and this is what I was dreaming for, and now that it's coming to fruition, I still can't believe it. You know, it's it's tough

to say, um, but sex twice a month. I think it's a conversation where a lot of times people don't share explicitly how that makes me feel. When we don't have sex, I don't feel connected to you, and I don't feel connected to you. It makes my mind start to wonder about us, about my desirability to you. It makes my mind wandered to other things, and then I don't want to feel that way. So and maybe your

spouse doesn't even realize that it's having that effect. We've had that conversation to and I actually where he felt like he wasn't getting enough at whatever time, and he has said, yo, I'm thinking about other people like I am rejection, rejection from your wife straight and I'm gonna tell you I told me list of the straight up earner amerage, and I probably wouldn't word it this way ever again, but I'm like, look, man, I don't get to have sex with nobody else. You're not giving it

to me. And these girls at the they're looking at your boy. So I gotta go to let me explain something to you. Bro, Let me explain something to you. Did you'll see my eyes? I told Okay, I said, listen, I'm a professional athlete. I want to have sex with you, and you're gonna tell me no. And I gotta go out here. And these chicks know who I am. I walking on the mall. You just want me to tell them no? Come home to hear no from you. I

was just working in the bank. But I understand where you're coming from, because to us as men, it feel like it's not fair. You just feel like it's trying, and you're not even you're not even helping me. You out here, you're you're making it harder. You gotta make it easier. I mean, again, I wouldn't word it that way there's the truth to that honesty of like the brutal that gakes you to the core. On top of that, ya both attractive women. Yeah, you expect me to come

home look at you in all your fineness. And then way Melissa does this thing. We take a shower almost every night. I don't like going to bed to sleep, right, Melissa does this thing. I mean shower, lotions cream, smell good, screwed up into me and then be like and don't try nothing. Listen, don't don't don't don't do that. Don't put me in that position because we just want to. I would love to come out, That's what I'm saying, But you're making me the bad guy. I can't do amazing.

I say that like I just don't feel like being penetrated today. Just what do you? I just want to be closed. Listen, you think the gazelle, You think the gazelle. Anything in my body next to my body? Do you thing? Just gazelle runs up to the lion, covers up next to the line. He says, don't eat me. I just feel like I don't feel like being eating. That's not my friend. The line's gonna be like, listen, now you look listening seasons out in the jungle that Gazell done

to you, But I'm not. I'm just not wired like that. That's hilarious, but yeah, I feel like that. That So Melissa, our ours was the flip side. Um. She was feeling like, this is a huge thing for us, this this past year of vulnerability. So as my travel schedule intentified and hers did. What used to work for us as far as connection, now it's not working anymore because we're gone so much. She's like, when we have time together, our

conversations can't be just service level. We're gonna have to get deeper and deeper because I'm not feeling a connection to you and it's making it hard to have sex. So she's like, and I feel like you're not sharing your feelings with me. And I told her one day, I said, man, I'm not sharing my feelings with myself. I don't even feel my feelings enough to express to you.

I just compressed them. So in order for us to go to this next level our marriage, I had to start being more honest, like about what I'm afraid of. And she was like, I need you to tell me you're scared of, Like I don't want to tell you that because if I say it out loud, now I'm acknowledging it. If I acknowledge it, that means I might be because if you're trying to go to the league, like you know, you might not make it or team.

If you say that you just made it real. You can't say, of course it's a ridiculous dream, like one of thousands of NT double A athletes actually make the NFL, and less than that actually make the team. But everyone in that college got at least believe that they're there. So I have to now got to really say that it makes it real. But I had to do that in order for us to feel connected for the rest of our marriage, because what was working from literally year

one through fourteen all of a sudden stops working. And that's when it's like, man, I'm really gonna have to change something about my old personality. Now you know that once again another awakening to help this young lady out, maybe she should try to get more in tune with him to find a connection Another way, I was going to suggest that that intimacy. Sexual intimacy is often a barometer for how your relationship is doing. Yeah, when the sex is down, it's often an indicator that other things

are down. And so instead of um always concentrating and focusing on sex, trying to find where we can connect outside, out of the bedroom, final intimate connection outside of the bedrooms and let that overflow and carry over into room because trying to force it just in the bedroom, it's gonna feel forced. It's gone forced. We hate that. That's that's a good tip, no pun intended problems. Listen letter

number two tomorrow bad. I literally think we're in a parallel if we would grew up in New York is us? Oh my gosh. I'm a single mother who has had much trouble recently co parenting with the father, so much so that the father has caused himself to lose visitation with our only child. Because of this, I believe our son is beginning to act out in undesirable ways. I've been advised to get him counseling, medication, etcetera. But he is only three and has been exposed to much trauma.

Teachers and family are quick to give up on him or place a label on him a D D, A D D, etcetera. This has become overwhelming and I'm still trying to heal myself after escaping a domestically violent, violent relationship. While my question is as a single black mother, what methods can I try to help my son to be the best and most exceptional self in order to develop better coping skills as there is no male role model in his life currently. This is the first thing I have.

I have a ton of history with this because I start of the mentorship program in Brooklyn and we've mentored over five hundred boys. Black boys are the number one medicated children in America. Yes, especially in the public school system. If you're a white male, white female, even a black female, if you act out to have behavioral issues, you'll get it first, second, third chance. When it comes to black males, the first thing is medication. The second thing is arrest.

They arrest kids, especially in New York. We've seen they arrest kids at a high rate, especially when you're a black male. It's easy to label a black male because that puts them to from the school to prison pipeline. Once you get labeled as a d D, a d h D, or you have detention history, or you've been arrested, it's easier to put you in jail later on. So the first thing I'm gonna tell you, Mama, do not

put that channel medication. He's three, Okay, if if you look at Cairo, Cairo probably has a d D a d h D. They would probably put him on medication if we you weren't there to say, listen, I know my son. He's acting out because he sees the cheerios and he wants to cheerio, not because there's something wrong, and because because he's three. See what I'm saying, three year old? Exactly are we expecting from a three year old?

Like and and that's this This really comes close to my heart man, because we had a kid I don't want to say his name, but remember when we were training and he had a d h D. He was on medication since he was young. He gets the prototype and his grades were terrible, six average and he was like, you know, I wanted to be in prototype. I said, if you don't have an A D average, you can't be in prototype. Prototype is how we do our sports performance training for football. He wanted to be on part

of the football team. I said, you have to learn to focus. He's like my medication and I said, well, stop taking a medication for a little bit. See if that I'll help you. Graduated with an AD plus average and he's in college. In college, he was on medication from the time he was young. His mom had completely given up coached about I don't know what to do.

All we did was give him discipline, you have to be here at a certain time, you have to be accountable, and put him in the surrounding where all of his male counterparts all were striving for the same thing. So since everybody had an A D average, it was no longer okay to get sixty. The program that works for young black males put them in an environment whe their other young black males that look like them, who are all working the same way. Because the last thing a

child wants is to be singled out. You know what I'm saying. If we are messing up, then we are all messing up. We are robbing people, Then we all robbing people were doing the same thing. It's being different is not cool, not cool, especially that young and it's it's just it hurts me to hear this because, um, I don't know what happened with the dad, but as you guys know, having fathers a very important especially for

young black men. You know, the prison industrial system still very much exists, and it starts as young as our young boys, labeling them, so it's a lot easier to pass them through the system. All right, now, Well, if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. We had such yea, I'm so glad we got to

do this. People hit us up to like y'all had everybody else cool, but give the valid I feel like it's like two pairs like I feel like y'all would like to tell should play together. Ye we like each other. Y'all got two boys could probably be mentors to my three young boys. How old are your boys in? How eight? Three and one and a half? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, my goodness. So you usually wrap up the episode with a moment of truth, you know, and the moment of truth is

pretty much whatever you pull from this entire conversation. You know, it can be anything. That can be something simple, it can be something a little bit more complex. You know. Do you have a moment of truth, babe? Well, I'll start with I guess yeah, moments of truth for today. I was thinking about a lot um of topics. It can be silly, silly, Okay, we'll go silly first. My moment of truth or my revelation is we are to say times, but I literally feel like we've lived parallel

lives again, just in different dimensions. I don't know what was going over, whatever was going on in New York, Cha, the same thing was happening to at the exact same time. So the fact that our stories um so mirror each other number one again, it brings credence to You're not alone and alone. That's my same We're taking all yourself. Do we have a collective moment of truth? We can try that for the first time on the show. Unless you had a really good moment of truth. Nah, I

I listen. I think that was great because I learned a lot about myself listening to you guys talk. I was going to say, I'm not crazy because when I told you all I get to have sex with you and nobody else, and these girls looking at me we talked about in the love Hour and no men ever there like you said that the only one that's like I said that too, And I'm like seeing yes, I

was feeling like, you're not crazy. It's so comforted. Yes, yes, because when you feel like you're just by yourself, you're like, man, maybe I wouldn't. That was gonna be my funny moment of your Everybody wants to Val and Kevin y'all clearly because now Kevi got a beard. The beard muscles everybody. I've been working on muscles because she reminds me how skinny I was. So I wake up in the morning just like YA was skinny, not normal, no spoon say my whole life. I have issues with that and it's

still triggering to you. Oh my goodness. Melissa and Kevin, thank you so much, appreciate you so so very much, fantastic. Thanks. Sure to follow us on social media actually give us your handles as well, and let let everyone know where to find you in case they don't know about you, because if they don't, they were under a rock. Yeah. keV on stage everything, Miss keV on stage on everything. The podcast is the our podcast. Love our Podcasts on

Instagram and Facebook. It comes out every Thursday, and come rock with us on that rock with them, trust me them, I comment, I like always both have such great I forgot to say it didn't come out I respected the valid code so much because y'all be keeping it, I mean transparent Instagram. And he said, man, me and and cadem was beefing, and I was like, man, people do not be that honest because on Instagram you think that everybody for weeks months, and we finally had a breakthrough,

and that means y'all had just got through it. Because we always talk about stuff that we conquered years ago. People don't want to talk about she was gone for a month and this to this problem and here's how we solved. And I feel like that is so helpful to people who idolized, not idolized, but look up to

you and to no man. Okay, you know what, maybe they beat they they have rough patches too, and that is so comforting to be like many we even too, were based all Christmas last year, on Christmas, not only on the dage, the whole time, the whole season. Yes, good, all right, but it was felt it felt good to be like all right, even them who are in the industry and blah blah blah, they are expirits of the same thing. I know. Regular people like being too. Well,

we appreciate so much. I remember I am devouted. That's my handle exactly, yes, And of course if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe and tell a friend. Dead as Dead as Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square and Dinora Penia. Our Chief content Officer is Chris Bannet. Our associate producers are Kristen Torres and Treble. Our studio engineers are Brandon Burns and Andy, Kristen's daughter. We're back.

I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now as part of the stitchen netwhere called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it please,