Yes, We Apologize to Our Kids

important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead as is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Phillows off to a whole new level. Dead Ads starts right now, So I'm gonna take us back.

Let me get my tissues ready, because this story kind, this shouldn't make you sad. This story time takes me back to two weeks ago, no, three weeks ago actually, or when this air is going to be probably weeks weeks ago, but um, I went to social media to explain why the kids wouldn't be on social media for a little bit of time. I was giving him a break, and let me give you all the full context of everything that happened that Sunday. We went to one of

Jackson's basketball games and he wasn't trying. He just was not. He just wasn't. He wasn't there. He just We had put a lot of hours into going to the gym because he said he wanted to play basketball, and we've been in the gym every single day, taking a hundred and fifty shots, making a hundred and fifty shots, hired a trainer, Um, got gym time, rented court time, like

I've done all of that to be supportive. And he went in there and this I think it was his seventh game at this point, and he just seemed like he wasn't interested. So get in the car and UM, I just let him have it, Like I was just telling him, I disappointed. I was. Yeah, I cursed. It was. It was. It was bad. It was it was a lot. It was bad. Your father was in the car. Your followed telling Jackson to like, yeah, and I don't know what today was like. Collectively, as the adults. We was

pretty much letting Jackson know how bad it was. Then we get home and Cairo and Kas are playing as usual. Da code is here. I'm downstairs with one of my homeboys who came to watch Jackson play, and Cadine says, Deval, can you come upstairs right now? Please? And she had that motherly tone, So I'm like, what's up, Like, what's the matter. She's just like, can you please talk to

Kaz about saying booty? And I'm like, then we had this conversation already, and and you were just like you was just like yeah, every time if someone farts, if someone says booty or but and then they just bust out last and he just keeps saying booty and I'm tired of it. So I try to do my best. I get down on the knee, I meet him at his level. I speak to him. I have a high voice because I don't want him to be intimidated. And I'm just like, Cass, didn't we talk about, you know,

not saying booty anymore? And he just puts his chin up like he's looking through his nose at me, and I'm like, I'm like, buddy, didn't we have this discussion already? And he's just looking at me, So I'm like, I'm like, what's the matter. And then Cairo comes and he's just like, I don't know. He just keeps saying sus stuff and I'm like, excuse me. He's like, yeah, he's just doing sus stuff and I'm like what, Like, what did he doing?

Just keep shaking his booty and he's just like he keeps coming behind me and just like putting his pp on me. So I'm like, I'm like, Cash, what are you watching? So then Cairo says he watches this thing called, um what was it? The gummy but I'm a gummy beer and the gummy bear dances and shapes. But so Cash thinks it's funny and he keeps shaking his butt. So I instantly get right and I say, cats, didn't we talk about not doing what you see on YouTube? Right?

And he just looks at me through his nose again. So I lost it and I said, okay, this is how you want to do things. You want to play this game. So I go grab his iPad, get his iPad. I walk him out to the balcony and I said, you see this iPad, and I throw the iPad over the balcony. The whole time I'm doing this, he's still standing or staring at me through his nose. And it wasn't until he heard gru and that iPad hit the pool where he finally broke down and said, So now

I'm screaming, I'm hollering. I'm like, give me every piece of jewelry, get me every jersey, all these sneakers. Put it all at the bottom of the stairs. Your kids are entitled. You don't listen. And I lost it. And Codeine comes to me afterwards, because in that moment, Codeine was fully supportive. She's holding the CODA and she's walking around you. Hear what your father say? What your father said. Then later on that night, she goes, did you really have to throw his iPad in the pool? And I

was like, I was trying to make a point. I was speaking to him the way I've been reading and trying to learn and evolved as a parent of how I should speak to my tyler to not make them feel intimidated. And the motherfucker wasn't listening. But he started listening when I threw that iPad in the pool. Didn't he and she's like, I guess, so. So this is how I slept that night knowing that I had won. But then I woke up feeling awful because I felt like I had gone too far. Then it took me

a couple of days to reflect. And after we get done with after we get yeah, after we get done with karaoke, I'll tell you guys about the reflection. Because I'm a renegade. Never been afraid to holler about anything, anything, anything is. I'm a renegade. Never been afraid to save what's on my mind that any giving time a day because I'm a renegade, never been afraid to holler about anything,

anything anything. I had to hustle my back to the wall, actually knuckles pockets filled with a lot of lyn not a cent got event, lot of innocent lives lost on the project, bench, had to pay rent, bring dollars in. That's what I've been through for these kids. That's what I've been through. Think about, think about when we first had Jackson, how broke we were and how hard we worked. Oh my gosh, man, I love karaoke, but you know

what I love more in karaoke money. So let's take a break, so we can pay some ads and we'll be right back. Think about when we first had Jackson, how broke we were and how hard we worked. Oh when, my when that feeling like my kids were becoming entitled made me feel like I was failing as a father and a husband, especially since I have four black boys. That's why I in that moment. Of course, we are going to be the United Front as parents all the time,

and we try to be um. But in that moment, I was like, I let you rock because I felt like, you know, you had had enough and we both, I think collectively as a unit, had had enough of certain things. Household right. Um, of course we do the best that we can. We have the three boys now four. Um, we have my parents here also living simultaneously. So we had had the discussion recently. De Val and I were saying, you know, are we doing our kids almost a disservice

having their grandparents here full time? Because you know how it is when you go to grandma and Grandpa's house, you get spoiled, you get what you want, you know, you have a good time, but then you come back home to mom and dad, whereas having them in the

house with us full time twice before seven. There becomes this a little bit of a battle because it's like grandma and Grandpa want to be Grandma and Grandpa said, and they want to spoil and they want to give, and I want to do, but that can't happen because they live with us. So we were noticing that some of the things that you and I, um, we're trying to implement or trying to enforce with the children, sometimes there was an inconsistency because my parents wouldn't necessarily see

it through. So they try, but sometimes the kids are going to be kids and they know what they can get away with things with. So so tell us about I guess now your reflection, because Deval and I actually had to leave to go to New York for work the next morning, So no one wants to have that argument. You know, it's like arguing with your spouse and then

you have to leave and go away. UM. I think it hurt ten times worse to feel like that was the no left, That was the accord that we left the next morning, um with the children on you know, um. But it happened that evening and that plane ride and everything I could tell that it was on my mind. Those my mind for two reasons. One because I always want to evolve and be better, right, but I felt like in me trying to be better and my kids better,

I was failing because it wasn't working, you know. Like I grew up a very modest and privileged young man. You know, I was privileged that both my parents we moved from an apartment to a house. That was the privilege. You know. I had a lawn, you know, my my father bought me my first car when I was eighteen. Privilege but modest, and that my parents made me work for everything. You know what I'm saying, Like they didn't give.

We didn't We didn't live in abundance, right, So everything that I got growing up, I felt had value, you know. And then my father taught me a lot of valuable lessons about finances and time because I had to work like my grandparents. When we were eight and nine years old, we had to set up a chore system right where we had to be up at eight in the morning. We had to cut the grass. They lived on an

acre and a half of land in Morristown, Tennessee. My brother and my cousin, Devona, and I had to cut the grass, trim the hedgians, water the lawn, picked the weeds. And this is eight and nine years old, but it taught us work ethic. We knew we had to be up. It was hot in the summertime in Morristown, Tennessee, and we were outside doing this to the point where when I was sixteen and I started, I got my my license, I got my permit, and I knew I was gonna

start driving. I was like, let me get a job so I can't have gas money because I was borrowing my uncle Kev's car. So I was never like afraid of hard work, never stranger to it. So now you get older and you're like, I want to give my kids all of the things I didn't have. Right, So we moved from our apartment just like almost the same

exact year. We moved from our apartment at nine when Jackson was nine and were eight, and we moved from Carnarsi from from Flatbush to Canarsi when I was eight, So I remember going from an apartment to go into

a house. So with Jackson we moved from our apartment that we moved to l A. Then we moved from l A and I We're in Atlanta in our own space, and I noticed that they were just taking certain things for granted, you know, like Jackson was using V Bucks all at the time, and he's using these V Bucks and I'm getting piste off because every other day it's like nine dollars, ten dollars, and I'm like, boa, like, this is money. You don't just be spending on V books.

And then when you waste the V books, you get more V books. That doesn't work. Then he asked me to get him a trainer and take him to basketball and do all these things. And while I'm investing my time, taking time away from my wife and my kids and my money to do these things. You get into the games and you just at some point you just act like you don't want to be there. I like lost it, you know. But then you have people in your life who kind of bring you back to a perspective. Right.

J Cole, who's Jackson's trainer, was like, you do you do realize that Jackson's only been playing organized basketball for two months And I was like, yeah, but there has to be a will and then the want for him, and he was like, well, you can't have a will of want to do something that you don't know what you're supposed to do. He's learning, so it seems like he's moving slow or he or he's lost because he really doesn't know. Every kid that I've trained has gone

do this. So I was like, oh, so this is not like an entitlement thing or I mean, he's just like no. So I was like, damn, I messed up, Like, you know, like damn, I feel bad. I was like, hey, you got some goggles. I was like goggles. He's like yeah, about to go fishing path out of the pool because I messed up. No, I felt bad because I was like,

I'm the one that called you upstairs. I felt like I sparked that whole tantrum in a sense because I was overhearing Kaz, you know, because the thing is like they joke about it out booty either booty hey, like

they think it's so funny at this age. But what I fear is that he's going to be out in public or at someone else's house or you know what I mean, because it's always the thing where your parents, you know, they give you the talk when they send you to someone else's house whatever, and it's just like behave yourself, don't you know? And you just wanted it to be a habit. The things that you learn at home you will then take with you out into the world.

I just didn't want them running around people's houses, you know, and peeps all day. But you know what brought me back to reality. It is my first time raising boys. I called my parents to vent about I'm like, what am I doing wrong? Like I'm trying to give him anything? And then my mom said, My mom said, you know, you and your brother did the same day walk around this house four or five or anytime somebody fart or say booty or but or a penis or boobies. Y'all

loved us out, laughing. Y'all walk around and no shirts on, and it's she's just like, Y used to have fart competitions and stuff. And I'm just like, and you know what, like we like we did. But and I realized in that moment that I was projecting where I where I am in my life and expecting my toddler and my ten year old to understand everything that I had finally figured out at thirty seven, and then realizing that at thirty seven, I don't know everything so I had to apologize, right.

So here's where it tripped me out and made me realize that we were doing an Okay, John Prenton, I faced time Jackson while we're in New York. That's in the hotel room, looking like he lost all his dogs. Okay. I went out to get my makeup done, came back and he was just like, man, I had to have a call talk with Jake Cole and he just looked so sad. I was like, you know, when you better reconcile with your babies before you lose it because you don't say you don't know. Because now I've been there

as well, I've had to apologize. Remember Jackson, the whole COVID thing, Like I've had to stop and you know now you're right, Yeah, you're right. You have to apologize. And what I'm what I'm talking about is there are different nuances and being a black woman and a black man, right, and sometimes I get stuck in those nuances. For example, the video that surfaced of the young white boy and the young black boy who were in the mall having

an argument. The argument became physical. The white boy was the aggressor, right, they're fighting each other two white cops come over. Right. They pulled the white boy off of the little black kid right, sit him down on the couch, then put their knee in the backs of the black kid and handcuff him, no questions, no questions asked. So in mom mind, in my mind, it's like and not

for nothing. They do the same thing to young black girls, because there was the video I think was six years ago of the young black girl at the pool at the pool, and they right, and I'm just yep. So for me, when I look at my boys, I'm trying to teach them a level of dignity and toughness and emotional security at the same time. And I want them to understand so bad because I fear that they go out into the world and not understanding these things and

find themselves in that situation. That's the fear I have as a father to four kings, you know. But I faced Tom Jackson and I say, brod go. I talked to him and I I owe you an apology, and he was just like okay, And I'm just like, you know, I handled it wrong in the in the in the car. You know what I'm saying. I shouldn't have been screaming and and this is just just clarity. I scream and then I'm going to say this on the podcast because

this is our commune. But when it comes to coaching and training and motivating my kids, I scream and cursing my kids. This is why I called myself a renegade. I do things non traditionally, and the reason why I do it is because I was an athlete my whole life. Every coach that I came across screamed and cursed and hollered, and it wasn't like always a degrading curse, but it

was something like, you know, like let's fucking go. And I want my boys to hear those words from me while getting hugs and kisses, so that they understand that when someone is screaming and cursing at you, espirsty as

a coach, it's not always degrading you. Because also as a mentor at Prototype for ten years, I noticed how boys who never got that at home, or was never coached on what it's like to be coached hard by someone, they folded because they didn't understand that, yeah, this coaches maybe screaming and cursing and hollering and stuff, but they're trying to give you the tools you need to succeed. And a lot of those young men and young women were just like, all the coaches don't like me, and

it's like, will do they screaming curses everybody. Yeah, but they'd be screaming and coaching that in cursing at me different. No, it's not different. You just don't like it. So you pulled back and now you're no longer on the team and you lost on opportunity or the coach saw something in human absolute that dog out of you, pull the dog you want. And I noticed this with Jackson. When Jackson's in a happy, god lucky mood, he plays at

a different level. When I come over to and I'm like, yo, you keep playing around and we're going to funk home. Now drops Jackson wants to drop fifteen points and steals and blocked, and it's like, I'm I'm trying to bring the dog out of him because you got to compete. But I told him, I said, you know, I misdiagnosed what was happening that day. Ja Cole was there. He told me that you look lost because you don't know

what's going on. You weren't just being lazy, and he was just like yeah, and I was just like, well, I'm sorry. You know, I've never been a dad before in his position. I got emotional. I got upset and it wasn't right. And I was expecting him to break down and cry like he doesn't, but you made me feel bad. But he this is literally what he said to me. He said with that, you know you're human just like I am, and when I make mistakes, you give you forgive me, right, And I was like yeah.

He was like, well, I forgive you not the big deal. We're gonna grow together, right, We're gonna learn together, right. And now he's encouraging me as a parent. You know what I'm saying. You know what I'm saying, like, and that made me feel like that like all is talking. We're doing about emotional emotional intelligence and awareness and being securing yourself. My son at ten is using this moment

to encourage me, who made the mistake. And I was like, so, at least in making my mistake, I didn't damage my son. But I had to acknowledge that I spoke to Cas. Same thing with Kas and Kas is for so he wasn't as profound, but he gave me how He's like, it's okay, daddy, you know, like, and then Cairo was caught in the mix because one thing I'm not gonna do is just punish and not punish the rest. So I took Cairo's leather jacket and his change. I was

like anything, though, but he did. He fell. He stuck by his brothers. They're gonna be is a United Front, the same way where United Front. They're not gonna switch at each other, like they have this like bond going on, which I'm all right with that. But I spoke to all of them individually. Kylo was like high school dad, but you know Kyle and his STOICSLF. It's fun, It's okay, But can I have my chain back now? And I'm like, sure, bro,

you catta be a chain back. I want to wear my leather jacket to Jackson's game, right, and looked like Kanye West, that's all he wants. Kiro is, if I haven't seen that real on my Instagram, you have to

be the way he walks into this game. But um, I think it was great just to watch the entire thing kind of transpire because um, for so long, I think we were conditioned to believe that parents were always right and do as I say, and we saw how that impacted us this children growing up and into adulthood.

We're just like, damn, accountability is so huge for us and something that I think a lot of our generation felt like our parents lacked was accountability and a lot of times there was not having conversations with us, not having to explain themselves because they just felt like a child needed to be seen and not her M. A child should not have an opinion because why I know better, I'm the parents. You don't have an opinion, You don't

right exactly all the time. So, um, where we try to kind of be different in that, you know, some people may think it's too liberal that you give your child their voice to be able to speak and say how they feel. Um, we think that it allows for a better connection because what we never want there to be is the lack of communication. Kids feeling like they can't speak to us because our parents just don't understand and they're being a disconnect between the generation because it

always happens with parents and children. So I like that, Um, as I observed everything kind of unfolding that you had a sense of peace once you had the conversation with Jackson, because I feel like you couldn't even continue the trip

without that hanging over your head. And then I appreciate the village of people we have around us that we can also lean on and speak to who are also parents, who are also coaches, who are also in different capacities, that can say, you know what the you were wrong and you know you gotta yeah, you gotta reach out

and be like, yo, did I handle this correctly? And we're never above that either as parents, because there's this constant desire and this constant want for us to just learn and to be better and to understand our children, you know, um. And it's hard because we've been through life experiences. So it's like you can see the writing on the wall a lot of the times and you know what's required, um, And that's something you try to

instill in your kids. But at the same time, it's just like, damn, some things they're gonna have to a figure out on their own and be I can't micro manage my child's life, you know you can't. And it's something else I want to bring up, especially about micromanaging, is social media and the role it plays on being a parent. Right. Um, I remember the Dad Gang. You know, I was honored last year at the Dad Gang banquet. Shout out to Sean and Jeff and all of those guys,

like those really good dudes. But um, social media is all about trends, right, and a part of the trends. One of the trends that was growing quickly over the last couple of years, especially since I've been on social media is parenting how your parents and fatherhood right, black fatherhood, And a lot of the guys were saying, like, you know, the value like the god father of black fatherhood content because no one was doing it, and then I started doing it and then it started to become trendy and

a lot of guys are doing it. First of all, kudos to you guys for for expressing what it's like to be a black father, because it needs to be more than one voice. So we need to see different types of dad's parenting in different ways with different children, so that representation is out there, right, So kudos to you guys. But also I appreciate and I feel honored that you guys called me the godfather or fatherhood content.

But with that comes to responsibility, right. So our content is entertainment, and it's important for people to understand that when you watch the Ellisis on social media, it's entertainment. You get less than one per cent of me actually fathering on social media, you know what I'm saying. But I felt a responsibility to let the people who follow me know, like, Okay, this is what happened because a large part of the time it's me joking with my kids,

me laughing and doing stuff with my kids. So people think that that's all that happens, right, So I had to at least tell this blackout moment. I didn't want to show it because I'm not I'm not big on disciplining my kids on social media. We didn't do that yet, and in that moment, we were both we were all just president in that president desire to pull out a camera.

But but I want I wanted to express that my kids were being disciplined because I wanted people to know that I'm not going to sacrifice being recognized as the best father at a detriment to my kids by not being the best father, and sometimes being the best father in that moment is not going to be applauded by everyone on the outside see what I'm saying. And the

thing is, that's fine, Like I'm fine with that. And I want a lot of men and women who are being moms out there to understand that you have a responsibility to be a parent, not just be a parent on social media, you know, and understanding that social media for the vast majority of people, the people who comment, the vast majority of people is the loud minority. Right, Most people, when they have a comment or something that's positive, they don't say much. People love to leave negative comments.

So what happens is I watch a lot of people and I hear dads. Because we talked about this in the Dad Game. How do I deal with people who comment negatively on something that they've done as a dad and try to express and be transparent? And I was like, dude, you can't. You can't look at this comments like it's like you're parenting. You know what your child needed in that moment. And most of of videos we post lack

the full context of what happened. So when you posted a clip of what happened, of course people are going to dissect and pick it apart because you posted it you have to deal with the fact that they dissected and picked it apart you posted it. But also remember that most of the people who are commenting on your stuff are naysayers. Like, let's just be clear what social media is. Social media is a place for people to

complain invent about how bad their life is. Right the most most of the people who watch, who enjoy it and and having a good time doing it, don't really leave positive comments. You want to know why. They're too busy living their own life to be going back and forth with people. But they'll be supportive like we had, Like the vast majority of our community are supportive people,

super similaritive people. Absolutely. But of the million one point eight million people that follow me, I don't get one point eight million comments every time I post something you

know what I'm saying. You may get a couple of thousands, you know, a couple of tens of thousands, But even tens of thousands to one point eight million is less than one percent you know what I'm saying, And even the vast majority of those comments are positive, But some of the comments are negative, and we as parents tend to look at the negative comments and try to adjust our parenting style based on negative comments on social media.

We cannot do that, and and and when. The reason why I chose renegade is because I want to be one of the first people to openly say that I will never be a detriment to my kids because of what someone said to me about my parenting style on social media. Never. I'm just lending. Like, you know, we are very selective about the people who we seek advice from. Um.

You know, with our children. For example, we have some friends that we made out here, Jackson's friends parents who are a little bit older than us, but they've also raised three boys visual scholarship. Absolutely, so if we're ever in a you know, conundrum, we're just like, man, we need to get some advice or you know, what is it like to have this, or just having conversations because

I feel like they need to be had. Um, that's somebody that we feel like we can lean on because they may have been in a circumstance that we have not yet touched or we're just about to embark on, or what's the way to kind of combat something that may potentially happen in the future when Jackson's thirteen, Because they've been there before, So instead of seeking advice from

comments or people. UM, you know, it's about speaking to the right people who you feel like we'll be able to be objective that can kind of step back from the situation and say, all right, devour what you may not have done this the right way. Who's not gonna yes you to death either, but also just speak from their experience and then you take from that what you need. UM. Which I think that's one of the biggest blessings that we have is a lot of people that we can

go to for that if we needed to. UM. And usually with social media, like you said, you get one portion of it. You don't understand anything that's happened that might have led up to that moment or you know, the history behind anything. The same thing that happened with our monogamy clip. You know, people saw the one little clip and had no idea context of things. UM. So that's that's easily a sparking, like a catalyst for people just kind of just stay away what they feel in

that moment based off of that. UM. But yeah, we're still trying to figure out this parenting thing. When my mom told me back in the day that there's no book to being a parent, and there's no blueprint or guideline it there's nothing truer. And for us, it's also a matter of having to um. I think style step as parents around our children's ways of learning things, UM, how they receive information, how they received discipline, UM, the

approaches that we have to take. You know, I know one time you had said that you feel like we didn't need to style step around the children. Yeah, I was that That was very early on before this is when Jackson was about seven and we just had cairoing cast and my plan was too create a system that could that could parent them the same way so no

child felt left out, so there was no favoritism. Because I remember growing up in my house, my parents and style stepped a lot, and me, being the oldest, I felt like a lot of the accountability was put on me and my brother and my sister were allowed to get away with a lot more. And I still feel

strongly about that to this day. And I always felt like I didn't want to raise my children in an environment where one felt like the other one was getting treated differently than the other, So I didn't want a style step. So maybe a style step is not the word, but it's the you with each child based on how they receive and for me, let me just finish this. You were right with the style stepping because I didn't realize because at that time, I didn't realize how different

their personalities were going to be. Then once Cairo was five and kas is four, I realized I cannot do the same thing to Cairo that I do to Jackson. So stole stepping was the right word, and you were right in the moment. I didn't realize how right you were because I felt like this is the way I wanted to be with my kids, and it wasn't until seeing their personalities. For example, Jackson needs to be screamed at and challenged so that that fire goes out. Kyro

is fiery all the time. I have to calm Kyra, now, yo, relax, control yourself like I can't. I literally cannot do the same thing to the two of them, because it would never be well if the way Kyro is, if I went in he was like, let's go around, he would be out of control, tearing people's heads off. He needs to learn control. Jackson is very controlled. He needs to learn how to be more assertive. So that's where you are absolutely right, Like I don't give damn Like he's

just like I'm doing this. But um, there's one thing I do want to say that I also learned from being a parent. Um. We spend so much time trying to give our kids all the stuff that we didn't have, that we neglect to give them and teach them the lessons that we've learned right adversity. Um, James shout out to James Edmonds. He's one of the dads that helps us out with Jackson and his wife Shonda. Um. He sent me a text message after this whole ordeal with Jackson,

and he sent this text. It was a parable right, and it says, my grandfather walked ten miles to work, my father worked five miles to work. I drive a Cadillac, my son will drive a Porsche, my grandson will walk ten miles to work. Right. And it was just like, well, why is that? And they said, tough times make strong men. Strong men make easy times. Easy times make weak men, and weak men make tough times. And I said to him, I said, you know that reminds me of was saying.

I heard that. It says it's hard to find a great man, that's the son of a great man, because typically the adversity that you've gone through to make you great, you've erased all of that adversity for your son, and now they grow up just like, oh the world is easy. I've learned that. And this doesn't go just for for sons. I learned this with sons and your daughters, because the

same thing can be said for my family. I think about my family and how my parents came up here at young seven years old on their own, trying to make a life from themselves, for themselves, you know, living with people who allow them to stay for periods at a time just so they can get themselves and make

their make something of themselves. And then I think about the life that I lived with my parents, like you said, you know, middle class, but still had a lot of privilege, had the things that I needed and wanted because my parents worked so hard. And then now as a parent too, this is something we always battle with, is like, how do we try to create some adversity for the kids, because we don't want that to continue to be the cycle where they just have everything and they're not appreciative

or they're not hard workers. So yeah, it's it's the one thing that I've learned is that you cannot eradicate all adversity from your child's life because that's not that's going to be to their detriment. And um, I am unapologetic about the way I am with my boys. I had posted on a video where I was using the skimmer for the pool and helping Jackson with basketball, and during the clip you were filming. I didn't realize you were filming, but we're doing a clip And at the clip,

I was like, man, what then are you doing? Pay attention not that he's in Someone said in the YouTube clip, oh, he curses at the kids. Time for me to unfollow. And then there was a whole debate under that where people are just like, are you serious, Like this man shows love and affectuous kids all the time, but because he curses him or coaches him, hardly gonna unfollowed this

is so then they started going back and forth. One thing I'm gonna say is that I am going to be super unapologetic about how hard I am all my boys. And if I had a daughter, I would be the same way. Because I watched that video of that young black man and that that mall and him being arrested by the police officers while all his other white counterparts got to sit there and watch. And the first thing I said to myself was if if that was my son, I would have hoped that I could have put my

son in a better situation to handle that. For example, to realize, like, wait a minute, they're fifteen white kids here, I'm the only black kid. People are raising their voices. I'm gonna probably be the only one to get in trouble some control. And it's not just for boys. It's this. I've watched it. I've watched it. I can see with young black girls someone is disrespecting them, they choose to raise their voice or raised up because they're tired of

being disrespected. I've seen it at schools, teachers come involved, tempers flail, and the first thing to do was grabbed a little black girl. While these adult white people are You're the aggressors, Like, how is this? How is is this allowed to happen? And what I never want is any ellis to go out in the world not feeling equipped to deal with the hardships that come in the world.

One one thing I guarantee you, my children or anyone who's around me, because when I mentor young men and women for the ten years in Brooklyn, I always prepared them absolutely. I prepared prepared them to deal with people screaming and cursing and swinging and hitting, so that they can find a place of peace and center, so that they how to maneuver in this situation and not be emotional. You know what I'm saying, Especially my kids like me

and Jack said this whole thing I was. We were going hard at each other and in practice was going I was, let's go, let's go, let's go. No, no, don't be a bitch, don't be a bit, just going back and forth. Right at the end, he was smiling right, and he was just like I said, What's what's up? Like? He was just like, yo. I mean when we first started and used like screaming, me and I useduld just get so scared. But now it's like I feel good, Like I feel good, I know, And I was just like,

you see what I'm saying. So when you go out in the world and you get coached hard by someone, you won't back down from hearing those words because it's not me trying to belittle you. It's me trying to empower you. And some of these people only know how to coach one way. They only know how to tell you have a teacher. The teacher may be a dick. They may be hard on you because the only way they know how to get the best out of you. And I said, what are you listening to when I'm

screaming and curse? And he's like, I'm just listening to the details of what you said I need to work on. And I said, you're getting it, You're getting it. I said, do you even hear anything? Says no, I don't. I've learned to tune you out. So I said, so you be tuning me out at the basketball games? He says absolutely. Said that's like you got your mama's jeans, But you do. You be tuning to me out too. It goes both ways.

But I felt so good though, because you see at the games, I'll be screaming and he just begged me, which he should be at this point. He should be ignoring me at the games and listen to who you listening to us and listen to my coach. But but that he's able to compartmentalize now, so he's not easily distracted. And I feel so good as a dad because I feel like I've given him the tools to learn how to just drown out the noise, don't worry about all

the stuff that may emotionally affect me. Let me focus on the detail of what I need to do to get better and focusing on that. And that's something he could take through so many different phases of life, not just basketball. And he wasn't able to do that years ago when we beforet started. The minute I used to call him over, he'd be on the brink of crying, not be like, what's the matter, I'm afraid I'm gonna trouble. But now he's just like, so what I gotta do?

And we teach him to also be confident in knowing that you were right and you didn't do anything wrong, like not always feeling like you did something wrong too, you know what I mean. That's why we have those moments where we just call him over and just give him hugs and give him like that's the thing in the house, you know what I mean. And I'll how you I love you today. You know that's great? That with me too, and I actually really like it. I'll do that I'm trying to cop a field. Mike, come in,

I'll tell y'all love you today. But insert the butt squeeze the booty booty. Look, that's what the kids get me too. At that's dope. Though. I'm glad you were able to tell everybody about your little daddy tantrum. You had a little dad tangent to make sure. Yeah, it's to interview the vow about his daddy's tangent so he can explain the context, you know what I mean. All r y'all, We're gonna say a quick break and get into some listen letters after we talk about these ads

right here. Alright, we're back with listener letters. I'm gonna go first today since I got interviewed and cold to the carpet. Hey, sometimes you gotta do that as part of account of goal. All right, here we go. My husband and I recently celebrated our first anniversity anniversary. It wasn't known too many because our actual wedding was canceled because of COVID, and so we decided to just go

to the city clerk and get married. Congratulations, guys. The funny thing is we told everyone his parents, my aunt and uncle, since I don't have parents, etcetera. About three weeks after when it really sunk in. So on our anniversary, I told his mom my mother in law, today is our anniversary. Her response was weird and shady. Oh really I didn't place that, okay, wow, and then she casually said, well, happy anniversary. She didn't call a text him to say

anything and feels troubled by it. So truth is, him and his mother haven't been haven't had the best relationships since I came in the picture. Oh, I already know where it is going. Then you It took up baby and got burried, and she wasn't involved. She felt like he puts me above everything and everyone, and her family once mentioned to me that she is jealous. I feel

bad about it. Oh So I tried my best to keep a good enough relationship with her, but down, deep down inside, it's not genuine, and I somehow feel fake just because I know how she feels about me. She is also still in constant communication with all of his exes, and I don't know how to feel about it. I have better relationships with her sister and niece, but I crave to have a genuine relationship with her, especially since I don't have a mother figure in my life. My

mom passed a few years ago. That was a lot l ol. How do I go about fostering a genuine relationship? And well, you can start by not taking her son and get married without telling her, but okay, and helping my husband to rebuild the bond with his mom. So I'm wondering, why doesn't the husband have a bond with his mom enough that he can tell her that is it that he's not strong enough to stand up to his mom and say, hey, this is who I love

and this is what it is. No, that's not or is mom and son just about to tell you right now mama's boy and her son tell you right now? He's he might have a little bit of mama's boy in him, but she might be a little overbearing as well. And yet no, no, no, his mother her the girl, the girl or wife? Now, because here's here's it is a question, serious question. We decide we're going to elope and get married. Are you not going to tell my parents?

Absolutely not. What type of person goes and elopes and doesn't tell the person's parents someone who wants to control everything. Right, let's be honest. Let's let's be honest. Why didn't you to call mom and be like, yeah, I think you should tell your mom. That's that's just funked up, Like there's no way around it. Like, if we're gonna be

honest with people, let's be honest with people. Right when you went and married that man without saying, hey, you know we want to get married, and you know we at least want to tell you if you can make it or blah blah blah or something. But after the fact, hey we got married. That's me. Stop. If I would have did that to your parents, your parents would have been pissed. Yeah, I think it's a parent that you

missed your child's life. This is the very basic level, right, like the on the most basic level, this is my child. You took my child had a moment and did not include me, and you can't see here and be like, oh, I forgot. That's how I felt when you cut all the Jackson's here off. Finally you can relate to a story that's very different when you know it's not that's the only Jackson's here off, y'all. When he was just a little bit over a year and I lost it,

so I'm going to explain that why it's different. Listen, we don't have to tell a little story. But this was a cultural difference in my culture. In the Southern Baptist culture, it is a man's responsibility to take care of his son's here and first haircut. It's okay sometimes you surprise the mom with a haircut. I took my son to get a haircut. In your West Indian Jamaican vincent and culture, you guys would like to control everything. So you guys want to be able to tell me

when I can get my son's haircut. That's not gonna rock. So you're saying Jamaica's and vincensions are controlling people. That was not the case. I just wanted to be a part of it. I just want to experience it with you. First of all, I said culture in your culture because you said to me, you said to me in our culture. This is what you said to me. It is not common for a dad to just take a son to the barber to get their haircut. That's not what That's

not what it is. I said. Typically with my culture, they wait till babies start talking. You have to start saying words first before they cut their here. That's that's that I don't necessarily subscribe to that. I was just more hurt in that moment because I wanted to just be there to experience it with you. That was all like I missed the moment, the same way this mom

might have felt like she missed the moment. I'm going to explain how it's different, right, cutting someone's here to surprise the mom, it's more like surprised I cut our son's here, not surprised we got married. That's a big different, yes, But I'm just saying in terms of feeling hurt that you were left out in a moment, that's the correlation I'm trying to make here. It was a moment in their child's life that they feel like they were longing.

But it's still apples and oranges. His hair gonna grow back, their marriage is not gonna grow back. The story I was just trying to make a correlation about being like correlation. There was no coral. There was no coral control the correlation. But ahead, So yeah, uh huh. That's what I'm saying is I think that to me was something that's I'm

want to say it was preparable. But you have to acknowledge that that's that's wrong, right, and it's like, you can't you can't help the husband have a relationship with his mama rebuild that. That's something that's gonna have to happen with him and her um And in terms of you fostering a genuine relationship with her, they may have to repair that too. Before she even wants to talk to you, sis, because as far as she's concerned, you didn't take her baby. She said, it's not about them

having a bad relationship. They haven't had the best relationships since she came in the picture, so clearly, clearly she's part of the problem. Now, whether whether she is the problem remains to be seen. That can only happen because of discussions, but she could be part of the problem. For example, Mom might have realized that her son is

finally taking someone serious. So if Mom is really finally realized someone said now she's starting to get like still before because she knew that she could, that could be it. Or she could realize that I can control those situations because my husband my son don't take those women seriously, so it's easier to have those relationships because you know,

like he don't really whatever. But when that one, when that one comes around, when that one comes around, and now with Thanksgiving, and it's just like, where's the valid Deval was totally here at seven o'clock and then the value cone shows in at nine o'clock. Ago I was Wickedine's family. Then it's like, oh, you see what I'm saying. So all of that happens first, then y'all get married and don't tell his mom. I know they need to

go to therapy. Well, y'all together, especially if you want the marriage to thrive and last whatnot, Because as much as you want to say, oh, it's just me and him and we don't really need nobody and his family and his family, no, that's still gonna drive away and it's still going to be that elephant in the room

every single time. And those conversations are worth happening, Like if you if you really want to build a family unit, yes, yes, And I, as a mom to four boys, would hope that I have a good relationship with my future daughter and daughters in law. I hope so too, because I don't want to be having to have those conversations. Dude, talk to mom, talk to mom, because Mom, I would

I would love that actually to have great relationships. I've said before, I'm betting daughters in law, anybody from good stock, if you anything like your mother, that's gonna be gonna be difficult. Because your mother was for me to try to give you. I know, but you used to the test of time. And because I'm gonna renegade. That's why I've never been afraid to say what's on. My mom had hustle back to the walls, next news letter and the Valkadin. I wanted just to say I have so

much love for you both in your families. I pray you that God continues to bless you all your baby's siblings, parents, cousins, friends, et cetera, and ways beyond your wildest dreams, and he keep you all. Oh this is a prayer girl coaturized about. May He keep you all safe, healthy, and prosperous for decades and decades to come. Thank you for that I received and send that right back to you. My question is how can I convince my man that he that

me wanting to protect myself. Isn't me being confident in his ability to protect me? Okay, I'm twenty five years old and I've been with him since we were both twenty one. I got my concealed carry license and the first fire on when I was twenty three at the encouragement of my parents, who both have theirs. He's from a small town in Georgia and I'm from the South side of Chicago. He believes that the man is the protector, and while I agree, my parents ain't raised no fool,

I understand this. I'd rather have it and not need it than need it and have it. How do I convince him that me having a firearm and a CCL does not mean that I don't trust his ability to protect me. We're not together and people are not so I agree. I pray I never have to use my firearm, But my decision to get it had nothing to do with him. It was for me. I'm also surprised that he's just now bringing up the issue because I've had it for two years and he didn't say anything in

the process of me getting it. I don't think he took it seriously at first, because I did the concealed carry course. But y um, but I waited nearly two months or three start three months before I brought my brought my first firearm. It's not a personal attack against him or his manliness. Is just that I'm from the South side of Chicago, Roselands, the wild Hundreds, the hood hood,

and the streets don't follow clothes anymore. So I'd rather have the option to protect myself even when he's not around. Any thoughts on how I can be considerate of his feelings without compromising what I feel is best for my own safety. Thank you in advance if you have the time to read and or respond to this email. God bless y'all. So Devel is a gun owner, I would have been a gun owner a long time ago I had my wife been on along with the gun ownership um.

When I was in the NFL, I bought a gun because I wanted to be able to protect my home. At the time. I used to go to away games. My wife used to be home. I said, Yo, I got a gun. I'm gonna teach you how to use it. She was just like, I don't want to have to use a gun. So I got rid of the gun because she was there by herself, and I got a dog instead. Okay, by guys dog. But now we have kids and we have a huge home and mama bear

here is on a very different page right times. So she's like, when are you taking me to the shooting range? I want to learn how to do this. She wants to get her concealed carrying. She cc L d d L. I'm good on that, but you definitely get um but not.

I feel like it's important for black people, particularly to understand the importance of carrying a firearm, like it is our legal rights Second Amendment right to be able to carry weapons legally right, And for centuries, the government and the systems that are in place have been used to stop us from carrying firearms to defend ourselves, right, So we can't defend ourselves in our community. They weaponize the police,

they bring them in our communities. And you see people black people dying at a higher rate in white people because of gun because of gun issues pretty much, you know, like it's the violence is a big thing. So I understand I said all that because I understand why people

are afraid of guns. But with all of I said, and all of the violence and gang violence and as almost the story but speak but but also I'm not gonna say gang violence without saying, uh, school shootings because they always put us with gang violence, but we know white kids be shooting their classmates, and it's fair to say that because when they talk about game finds, they always say black on black violence, like why don't white violence don't exist? And all of that is a form

of gun violence. But what we're talking about is protecting yourself, especially if you have a property right. If I'm her, I tell my husband or my boyfriend, if you're not here and someone comes in this house to do harm to us or our children or to me, wouldn't you feel better if I had something to protect myself to fact, because you can't do much to FaceTime, bro, you know what I'm saying, Like if Cadine face tilling me talking about something about somebody in the house, my first thing is,

why didn't you shoot them? Like seriously, like once once you get to this point where you have to protect yourself and your kids be here, especially Cleo into from freaking set it all a fact. I'm that serious, Like we have a right to protect ourselves, especially if you think about this country in the world. Right, it's Black History months, right. I don't know if people ever heard about the it's not called the floating cities. It's the drowned cities in America. There. I think there are over

over twenty cities that were all black owned businesses. Central Park out here in Georgia as well too. There's the lakes, so there are there are lakes in the country. They are man made lakes, and underneath these lakes are cities that were once black owned businesses and property that mobs came in because black people started doing well and pretty much burned down the houses, raped the women, killed the children, killed the men, and then they drowned. They pretty much

flooded the cities and now their lakes. That that this culture White America celebrates, right. I feel like during those times it was easier to do things like that to those communities because those communities were not armed the way they were supposed to be armed when mobs came in. Right, If every household had a gun on multiple guns, and everybody mom and dad knew how to use those weapons, it wouldn't have been too many drown cities. You see

what I'm saying. But part of it is keeping us docile, right. I don't want to keep my wife docile. If I'm her, I'm telling you and I pray that, like she said, I never have to use it. But me knowing that my wife can handle herself when I'm not around, or and hand do something if my kids get into something, makes me feel so much more confident as a man. You know see what I'm saying. I work, I traveled

a lot. I would feel comfortable knowing that my wife has still carry she knows how to use multiple firearms. And on top of that, I'm teaching my sons from young I. I learned how to shoot guns when I was young, being down south. I think we as a people need to understand that learning how to use a firearm is part of the culture we live in inn

and then also to the education around it. So we just walk around here willy nearly with not knowing how to assess situations properly, how to have discretion with it either because and you know the problem to you know what I realized too, In places where you have concealed carries, right when you know other people may have guns, people a little bit more polite because when you know that that person over there maybe carrying to you ain't gonna

be as flipped with your mouth. You understand what I'm saying things and very horribly if they decided that they wanted to write, and and being in New York, for example, where there's no concealed carry and people go into clubs and you have to get padded down and you're not holding anything. When you're going to the clubs, you watch people get drunk and talk crazy and things get out of control as supposed to being in the place where the firearms allowed. Why are people a little bit more

calm in those places? You want to know why, because nobody really wants to die. Nobody wants to get popped off on. You know what I'm saying. If I'm her, I'm saying, explain to him the reasons why you need it, and he needs to understand why it's important for his woman to know how to at all at all. And women still deal with attack sexual abuse, and I think it was another one, and I think the rate is five to one when it comes to men. Women are still victims of abuse at a higher rate than men

in this country. A woman that knows how to protect herself, to me, is okay, because on top of that, gun k gonna learn how to throw hands. Ever since we've been in college, I've been teaching k all of this stuff that I learned doing martial arts. I did martial arts for seven years, a black belt in taekwondo and jiu jitsu. I told her about when people grab her if some I told all this stuff disabling for I

want her to know these things. So hopefully he listens and yes, absolutely like she said, hopefully she won't ever have to use it. All. Right, y'all, if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at Gmail. Sorry, not at gmail at gmail, but dead ask Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A d A S S A d V I C E at gmail dot com. Moment of truth time, going back to I feel like we spoke about so much, but going back to your your daddy

moment that you had, moment of truth. My moment of truth is very simple. I'm unapologetic about how hard I am on my boys because we existed in society that doesn't view black boys the same as everyone else. So I cannot listen to the world when they say this is how you should range your children. You're not even coming from a perspective of dealing with things that me, as a black father, have to deal with with my

black sons. So I'm going to parent my boys the way I know how best and I'm unapologetic about it. That's a fact because you two have been a black boy once and yes, black man, so you understand what it takes. And I that being said, I have never been in that position. Um, But I do know as a black woman raising four black boys, that I agree

with you on that. Um. But my moment of truth is um knowing as parents went to I went to know how to address your children when you need to apologize for something that may not have been right in that moment, and not just always falling on the idea that I'm the parent, I know better, I know best, where you know that potentially you were not correct in that situation and being okay with apologizing to your children and acknowledging your wrongs in that moment and letting them

know that there's a space space for the apology to take place and for understanding to be had, because I think that's equally as important as the way we're raising them. Yes, and before we get off, I want to get it correct. The name of it is called drowned towns. So go google drowned towns and see exactly what I'm talking about, and you'll understand why we as black people need to have firearm to defend ourselves in our own homes. There

we go, all right, y'all. Be sure to follow us on social media if you have not already that asked the podcast, and you can find me at Cadeen I Am and I Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to wait, review, and subscribe. Season seven Y'alls. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noora Opinion and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as to Podcasts and never miss a thing