Will You Marry Me...Again?

nineteen broke. Like a lot of people right now, we've changed our plans about doing our our new ceremony this summer, and we still don't know exactly what we're doing. So obabe what we're doing, Babe, you tell me what we're doing. I don't ever tell you what we do. When you and we tell me what we're doing, that's true. What's your motto again, babe? Whatever you want to do? Well right now? The viralnyal is tb D because I d K.

I don't know. But even with things not going how we planned, this episode is all about why we wanted to do of our old to begin with and what we've learned about being married for the past decade. So we hope this brings you a little bit of joy and escape right now. So, babe, what's up, dead ass? Would you marry me again? Of course? Of course, the whole shebay, you know, the the walking down the aisle

and flowers and all that. This time you can get whatever you want for Okay, Hey a Codeine and we're the Ellison. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Are making most days and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, we all. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topic, things folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass

is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows talk to a whole new level. Start now, it's story time, guys, and I'm gonna take you guys back to ten years ago as to why Codeine and I are getting remarried even though we didn't get divorced, we're getting remarried. Well, um, this was two thousand and show. I'll take you back eleven years actually two thousand nine.

We're planning a wedding. We just came back to Brooklyn, and I'll never forget Codeine and I had this idea of how we wanted to get married, and it was on an island somewhere our closest friends and family. We had it all mapped out. We're gonna do a destination wedding, and then both of her mom's are like, you know, this person don't fly. You know this person can't travel. You know this person they never get on no plane. So then Codeine and I conceded because we realized that

this wedding really ain't about us. You being the firstborn, me being the firstborn. Yeah, it wasn't really about us. It was really about our parents and their abilities to put their vision on how we should get married. And at the time we were very very young, so we were just like, okay, you know, because we wanted to make everybody else happy. She wanted to make her mom happy.

I wanted to make my mom happy. We ended up inviting three hundred and seventy five people, about three hundred and forty five of those people I'd never really talked to anymore So at the end of the at the end of the wedding, you and I exhausted, and um, I don't even really remember what happened. It was a blur, but I do remember us falling asleep. And I said to Codan, if I could do this again, I do it totally different. We do it our way, Yo, my car. I got what you want, you got what I want.

And we were made for each shout oh all forever mind. I love this song's so glad colds it gets better with it. Oh hey, oh girl, that's my favorite for each other. We were made for each other, right, Oh man, that's that song. That's an oldie, but goody. Shout out to the o j's Wait. Conine and I do date night every Friday, and every Friday, on the way home we drive in, or if we're not driving, we're in the back of a car, we're holding hands and we're

listening to this song. Yes, let's become like our things. I didn't realize that, but it definitely has, because this is almost like our reminder as to why we're doing this because we both get so caught up in like the day to day. Oh for sure, you know, for sure, Like it's it's crazy I think about it. Here we are ten years later, and it's you know, we've gotten the questions about like why have I renewal, Like what's

the point, Like, you guys are married already. My father especially, he was just like I hear you guys are doing something again. Why people do that after like fifty years? I'm like, who knows if we have twenty five or fifty years that I totally believe in UM being able to celebrate each other again. But I mean all season we've been leading up to this point, guys, Yes, this point. So once we leave you here, I don't know are we gonna be back again before the vironal or not.

I'm not even sure at this point. But we've we've kind of walked you guys through a couple of different episodes, scenarios, things that we've been working on UM together, things that we've been working on individually as well. UM. So we've had all the episodes this season kind of come to this point where the excitement is building around UM. Deval and I renewing our vows. So well, let me ask you a question, how are you feeling in that moment

getting ready to get married? You know what's funny? In that moment leading up to the wedding, of course, there was excitement that I felt because it's like, oh my god, this is my wedding day. Some women don't dream of their wedding day. I was that girl that was like, you know, give me a fake bouquet on the playground because I'm going to be somebody's ride one day. So this was it. And then being the first girl you know, my mom of course was like daughters getting married, you know, um.

And then being the first granddaughter, the first niece, Like there were so many people invested in this wedding, um that I was just excited about being able to have this event with my family and my friends, and of course you not thinking about you know, like all of those people. And then of course you too, I mean, if you want to join in, you know, but that's

really how it goes. That's how it goes. No, but no, I'm saying that to say, like there were so many people on my side at least just invested in me in the wedding process that, you know, I was excited about that. However, those same people that were so excited about this wedding, like I had said before, I think maybe in a previous podcast or even in one of my blog posts, like I wasn't really prepared for marriage

per se. Well spoken about that, and I'm not gonna yeah, I won't go into depth about that, but the wedding itself. How are you feeling about the wedding? I was. I was feeling great. I felt like it was going to be a great party. Um. I was a little disappointed though, because I did want to do the wedding the way we initially said, which was, you know, have a nice little three day getaways somewhere with our family and friends,

kind of make it like a big vacation. So it felt like kind of like a weekend long thing, and it wasn't just one day where people came for a couple of hours and that was it. Um. And I was slightly disappointed, um, because of all of these demands that we were getting from our families about like who had to be involved and who needs to come and who can do what, and you know, that really took the power away from us a little bit. I was over it, so yeah, yeah, that part was very stressful.

I mean, but you know I was happy to put on a dress and walk down now to you and watch you cry at the altar when you said your about Are you going to cry this time around? I want to know no. I cried in part because that wedding was mad expensive and I was sitting there thinking about them. After this day is over, I still got to live my life and I got a lot of responsibilities you were thinking about all that. Let me let me tell you something. There's there's such a big difference

between how men and women view these responsibilities. I'll give you an example. UM. Just recently they were talking about um Ronaldo Um on well social media everybody and how he makes Um I think he makes eight to ninety million dollars a year and he gives his wife an allowance. And the allowance she gets is I think a hundred thousand dollars a month or it's like a million dollars a year of an allowance, and a ton of women

were just like, that's not enough, that's not enough. Because he makes so much money, she should she should at least get more than that it should be an unlimited amount, and I was like, this, this is recently. You know you get a hundred thous dollars a month allowance. Now he didn't say that she has to spend that allowance on the mortgage or know, that's just an allowance, that's your money. You can you get a million dollars a year tax free, do nothing, just to blow in whatever.

And I just heard a lot of women just saying how it wasn't if it wasn't enough. And I remember getting married and thinking talking to my boys and thinking like, am I going to be to be able to please my wife no matter what I do, how much money I make. And I remember thinking about that, like right before the wedding, because remember I wrote my vows the right the night before, because I wanted my vows to be organic. I wanted them to be genuine, and I

wanted to think about what I was saying. But you and I were going through a lot during this wedding process. I was beefing with my parents, I was beefing with you, I was beefing with your mom. I felt like a lone soldier in this whole thing because I didn't really have anybody who was you know, with me on this. You know, you and your mom were together and you and your girls were planning and doing your thing, and I just felt like everything was taken away from me.

It's true, and I really didn't get a chance to enjoy the moment because it was kind of out of my control. I was fun, you want to do this, I want to do this, and then we was arguing so much that the wedding just became daunting and I really started to think, like, dang, like, am I going to be able to give this woman the life that she once after this day? And it was it was like daunting to me. And it's crazy because when I think back out to who I was, I was like,

what a twenty year old cadean at the time. Um, I guess it was very immature of me, which I could say in retrospect, very immature of me too, I feel, I guess as if I was entitled to or should have had certain things that I wanted on that wedding day.

You know what I mean. Well, I mean, you did dream about it, this is your wedding, and yeah, at this, but at the same time too, there was probably also to a very unrealistic idea that I did have about it, Like I wasn't thinking about life after that day per se, because I think in part two you had created um kind of a security blanket or like a comperin and I wanted to write, which I kind of was just like, all right, well, we'll be all right, like we'll get

past this day. You know. I know my parents had put aside for you know, some money for for their daughter's first you know, their daughter's wedding, their first daughter's wedding. So I know my parents had had some money set aside for that. Um, and of course, you know a little extra that I wanted. My mom was like, all right, well I can probably put a little little money from here,

a little money from there and get that done. Um. You know your parents, well, I don't think they set aside money because on our culture that like the groom side doesn't really necessarily It was kind of like like

he's his son, he got it too. Like I was just coming out of playing football, so that's another thing too, So your parents are kind of like, well, that's what you want to do, That's what I want to sister in private school and my brother was in college right, So it was all he might have just gotten out of college, but they had other responsibilities, so we couldn't expect for them to just be like, here, guys, here's money to just spend on the wedding that y'all want. Um,

you know. But at the same time too that we were getting demands. So I know that was frustrating for you, but persona and it's just like, you know, that's how I felt. I felt like I was getting demands from both sides of the family, and like, at least for you, you and your mom sat down. I was like, well, this is what you want. Y'all had a plan, and y'all created something like no one sits down with the

groom and says what's your plan? Like your dad don't sit down with you, say what do you want your wedding to look like? So for me, it's just like people coming to me with bills or demands. These people have to come. And I remember having a conversation with

my mom. My mother and my father created their list of family because of course, whenever you get married, it's not just my family and your family, and then goes to my mom's family and my dad's family, my mom's and your dad's and it has to be equal so that everyone feels like they're treated fairly right or like their people are represented evenly right. So now I got to think about four families, and no one's coming to me with the checkbook, you know what I'm saying. So

it was stressful. The five months prior to our wedding was probably it was stressed, definitely super stressful. And we had just moved back to this apartment. Yeah, I was not making any money, right that The hardest part about that for me was that I just got cut and I wasn't making money. I had my seiants pay and I had some money saved, but there was money also

invested in the homes that you purchased. So I always want to be sure to let people know, like it's not like we were out here just forrievous, frivolously spending money on a wedding and we had nothing else. A lot of the money that we had was tied up in investments and in property, so we could like at that point it was like, well the money is there, Like there was no liquid cash to then use for

these you know. But even still though that's not I have I have capital, but my capital is tied up in investments, so that's not money I get access to. So I had to ask my dad. I asked my dad for an evance until I sold one of the properties, right, and my father gave me the advance. But still even with the money he gave me, I still had to live, like like I had to pay for the wedding and then we had to live afterwards. Right, So think about

your thought process going into the wedding. You're thinking dream Cinderella, beautiful gown, I'm excited to party. I'm thinking, oh, ship, Like July fourth, We're gonna be good. July five, I'll first. So it was stressful like that, like our wedding was.

And it's important to talk about this because if you think about cultures, right, I feel like in the black culture, we try to assimilate to other cultures and try to do the same things that they do, especially as Black Americans, right, because our history was taken from us because we were brought here from the Islands. We were brought here from Africa, so our history and our culture was stripped of us. And now we're here in America and we're forced to

assimilate to American culture. Right, So you watch American culture, and a lot of American culture comes from generational wealth that was built on the backs of black people. So during the time when if you're white, for example, you could pay for your daughter's wedding because you had land, you had businesses, you had property. So when it came time to pay for your daughter's wedding or give your

daughter away, you could pay for a wedding. Right. So now it's Black Americans sometimes I feel like we try to simulate to that culture, but we don't come from generational wealth. Absolutely, that's that is generational debt. So now where I'm expecting your parents to come and pay for the wedding, and we have a grand wedding, No, it's on me. It's on me, and and a lot of time it's not only on me, it's on us. So that stress and those stresses causes a lot of friction

while planning a wedding. And I don't think that we as a young group of black Americans discussed that a lot. We just watched TV. We watched the Kardashians, we watch uh Platinum weddings, we watch all those things. My super sweet six Team, and we said, go and think about that during the two thousands, because we got married two thousand and ten, during the two thousand's when my super

Sweet six Team platinum weddings were allay. So these are the images that we were seeing this aspirational lifestyle, a lot of those shows that people are just like, wow,

that's how I want things to be. And I mean social media now was only an extension of that because now that we don't necessarily have those shows on networks, you have you know, Instagram every day and everything in your face every day about you know, Pinterest boards about things that you aspire to have with regardless of the event, you know. So yeah, I hate what you're saying. And you can talk about being immature, but I was immature too because I wanted to give those things to you

and I just didn't know how. So I was hard on myself, but I was like, I'm gonna do it by any means necessary. And and me, being an immature man, was trying to be who my father told me I was supposed to be. Right. My father told me that when it comes to finances, my wife should never have to stress about finances. I said this on social media.

So many times it was my responsibility, especially if I'm gonna ask you to have my children, and it's my responsibility to make sure that your life is as easy and peaceful as possible because you're responsible for carrying and burying children. That's something I can't help with. So for me, it was like I gotta find it by any means necessary, and I gotta get it done. But it did put

a lot of stress on me. And I watched my father when when he was laid off, when he was when he was going from job to job after um they started doing cuts at Chase Bank because he's a main framer. I never saw my father's stress in front

of my mom. My father used to talk to me as his son about things, but he never said my mom never knew that there were any issues, and it was like, okay, we could do this, and then he would, you know, go into his form one k if he needed to always find a way, And now he used to say that was his job. So at this point, I'm thinking, this is my job as the man. Even though I'm a young man trying to figure out my

path in life. I'm trying to figure out how to provide for my fiance to become my wife, so I can prove to her that I'm able to do the things that she needs. And the immaturity comes from me not saying that, you know, a baby, I need to do the things that you need, not necessarily do all the things that you want. No. I hear that, And at that time, I didn't even necessarily know what I needed. All I knew was what I wanted to happen because

of these grand dreams that I had about my wedding day. Um, and still it fell short in the end because I felt like the feelings internally that I was supposed to have as I'm walking down the aisle with my husband, like leading up to those days, like the moments that I feel like we should have been enjoying those last couple of days just being like fiance and fiance. We didn't have that. I feel like we were so stripped

of that, you know, with all of the extra things. Um. But yeah, it's funny because I think to this day, you still don't even really sweat when it comes down to just like finances and things like that. One thing I will say, ten years later, one thing we've learned over the past ten years is to definitely be more

vocal about wants and needs and finances. So we literally have one day in the month on both of our calendars, a staked on our phone where you know, we sit down together and we discussed finances, money coming in, money going out, um, money owed to us, you know, plans for different business ventures that we have. And it's been very helpful lately because things that used to kind of slip my mind sometimes, like oh, shoot that I pay the cable bill this month, Like oh no, we have okay,

Like there's just so many working parts. So now yeah, we have to kind of hold each other accountable. And Devout has also helped me in a sense because he's a little bit more business savvy when it came down to things like just getting my credit back up, you know, or establishing credit. That's something that I was never really privy to growing up. My parents didn't really talk much about findings. So yeah, having had that you know, influence

from your dad and my parents kind of just handled everything. Um, I learned a lot from you in that sense. So now here we are planning of our renewal knowing that okay, it's not going to be as extensive as the wedding was, but at the same time too, we can really maximize the experience based off of the resources we have now

and the people we really want to be there. But that also leads me to the other why other than just the wedding aspect of it, is the actual marriage of course, since we ultimately went into debt trying to live up to this expectation that that we thought was the American dream. Our marriage started very, very rocky, especially the first five years. Yes, and we had a honeymoon baby. Jackson came right after so big wedding, and then it's like,

oh my god, what are we gonna do. The only thing in the beginning of our marriage that I will never ever regret is that we had a honeymoon baby and my baby boy came immediately. We went to Jamaica S two and we came back three. That was there was no mistakes there. That was that was that was it, like, that was the right, That was why everything happened. Like I don't believe, I don't really don't believe in mistakes.

I believe in destiny, and I believe that we went through all of that and brought Jackson here, and Jackson kept us together. I was just about to say the same thing had time Jackson kept together? For sure? For sure? No, absolutely, So like why the valurun woman, you know, because you like it's aside, like you said, from the wedding planning and planning like a whole event. Again, Um, why was it so important to you to actually do it? Because I feel like we we have to commemorate the existence

of ten years and celebrate that number one. But then also I want to renew the vows, like I want to say vows now because I understand more what it means to be married, more than I understood it when I was twenty six years old, you know, saying so when you write vows at six, you write vows based on where you are mentally emotionally, right, I'm at a completely different place now for me, sticking to those vows almost seemed non existent because my mom, I said, it's changed,

which is crazy because when we did our vows, we opted not to do the traditional like repeat after me my uncle, my uncle Kevin shout out to Uncle Kirk, Kevin Kirk, who did the longest ceremony a wedding was an hour and a half. About fifteen minutes long, he started preaching. It was outside. I was like, bro, almost passed out. I love your uncle. I want to swing even amazing sermon, but that was just not the time in the play. But I mean it was super blessed.

So I'd like to say some of that blessings helped us get through the ten years after that. She was trying to evangelize that I'll we he was calling out. I was like, what are you doing, Like this is the wrong event, This is the wrong event. But I hope I don't go to health of saying I want to swing on appreciate you go to help with that. No, I don't think. I don't think you can. Jesus knows

your heart got I was joking I won't. But I mean we didn't do the whole repeat after me things, and you know, um, he just kind of gave us like an overall like here's some things you can't including in your vows, which made sense, but we were very adamant about, you know, writing our own vows, so that way it was authentic to us. But vows, I think you're right, are kind of ever evolving, changing with the times, and I think the recommitment was definitely something that's necessary

for both of us, you know what I mean. The recommitment is definitely important. And like I said, like I said before, you know, I made some mistakes and did some things in the first part of I hate saying I made mistakes. I made some choices that were very selfish choices the first part of our marriage. That after doing this recommitment, I'm vowing to not make those same choices.

And I think that it makes sense to restate those vows and say them out loud in front of our closest friends and families, you know, like I feel like now, I also want to say these vows in front of my sons because I want them to understand the value of marriage and the value of a union. I want them to see me and their mom standing at the altar committing to each other again. And now they're a little bit older, Jackson will definitely be old enough to

understand and see it, right, you know. But Kirra and Cass it'll be somewhere, probably tearing up the hotel for the resort because that's what they do. But um, Jackson will be able to be like wow, like my parents did that, like they're doing that, and then ten years from now we can do it again and Cairo and Cass can be there this time as teenagers. You know, I'm like, I don't say teenagers. They were ten years now they're gonna be teenagers. Just made me so sad.

And then our daughter needs to see us ten years. I knew that was coming. And then ten years after that, we're gonna have to write. You know what I'm saying, You guys can expect for us if that's the case,

you know what I mean. But it's funny because Okay, so you mentioned the kids, which is a very huge part for us, UM, And then that's funny because when I mentioned doing the four nu, I was like, hey, how about you and I and the kids, the five of us just like go somewhere, call our photographer friend Josh Show with Dwayne and be like, hey, bro, just gonna take some pictures of us on some months and top somewhere and just be the five of us. UM. But then you made a good point and it made

me realize, you know what, You're right. So we were not able to make it this far without our village of support, our support village, our tribe of people who have helped us get to this point, and we would be remissed and we would not be able to sleep if we did not acknowledge everyone who had a hand in helping us get to this because I will tell you guys here and now today, our success is totally

totally possible because of the help that we get. So it made sense to have again the closest people to us, the people who are children and the people who help with our children when we're not around, the people who have moved across country shout out me me. You know, had has left her life behind in Brooklyn to come here, you know, on loan from my dad. He's like, when's

she coming back? You know, just just the family members, your brother Brian who helps with truck and Jackson, back and forth we're in Brooklyn, Like, just all the help that we get from our families. It was so necessary for us to have them there to celebrate in this and to me, the Valnu is not only just a viour newal for us, but like you said, it's a celebration of our friends and family if they made an investment in us early on in the in the marriage

and the wedding. This is not our investment in them, this is our paying it back to them. But also, like I said before, I want I want my boys to see our culture. I want them to understand and experience at the union between two people is something sacred and it's something fun and enjoyable. And when they choose to get married, they're not going to sit back and be like, well, what's the husband's point in the marriage? They can sit back and watch like. No, when my

dad did his valurnul, he wanted things like this. He wanted to look like this. He wanted this person there, he wanted that person there. And I want them to feel strong enough to say, well, this is what I want. You know what. They don't pushed out. That shocked me

the first time around. When we got married. I was expecting for you to just kind of be like, all right, whatever, like because I was told historically men don't really care about the weddings and they're just kind of like, okay, whatever. Just you always hear the men say, oh, just tell me what time I got to be there. You know, that's just it. But Devo, on the other hand, was a very involved groom. He wanted to pick color schemes

and what that. When I had my whole color scheme laid out at my girls in this color and that color in the floral arrangement, this was like, no, I wanted the wedding to be read Red's my favorite color. And then she was mad and I was like, but red doesn't go with my color scheme, Like what do you mean my color scheme and wedding? You see what I'm saying. I remember talking to our wedding plan at the time, and I was like, says like this dude is talking about he wants red. How are we gonna

fit red in there? People think about that? Think about that. How do women expect men in to be excited about a wedding when you don't want to include the men in the wedding process? How was that I didn't want to include you. I was just shocked that you wanted to be that involved in it and that hands on.

But then when I did want to be involved, you were kind of taken back, like yeah, I was just surprised by it because I was like, I didn't expect you to want to like something like color, Like normally guys are like, oh, the food is good. It's a top shelf liquor. You know who's the DJ. I want to je Limo, like there were certain things. That's my point though, but like I just wasn't expecting that from you.

But that's my point. How do women expect men to be excited about the wedding process if y'all automatically exclude us from so many, so many of the processes because you assume that we're not going to be involved and we don't want to be involved. Fool me once, y'all, just like I want to wear this. I want to wear that. We're the first time around, I was like, oh, you love red so match so much. We're some red drawers all of the day. Since you love read so

much to my drawers. Right, let the record show that as talk think about the wedding and the vows, the first person to talk about draws was Codeine, not me. It was Codeine. That's fine. I like, given some red draws. So you know, we like to pull out, you know, some facts and some articles and whatnot. And I produced to Jackie, she you know, found some tidbits and stuff. Thank you. I'm just saying I like to have the facts and I have my team help me do the research.

So that being said, um, so whenever you picked the paper up, I can't see she picked the paper up, and she goes like this. She has a pen and my little notes I make on it and everything, because I got to keep you on track, because to be here talking, rambling and whatnot, I know, I have to have to get better with that. It's just like a thing that happens, that's anyway. It's that clearing at the throat. You know. There you go. This New York Times article

on why couples renew their vows. Listen reasons on why people were doing their vows. Let's see if there's anything that coincides with us. One couple said that they wanted to have another reception to include new friends and families like in laws, new nieces and nephews. Opposite for us, we want to get rid of some people. But I cannot concur on that one. We're trying to chat people,

but I to each their own. Another couple said they wanted a chance to do things they missed out on the first time, like actually getting to eat some of the wedding cake. With that I don't even remember how wedding we had a wedding cake, we had a dessert thing. Oh one thing I do remember from our wedding, which we will have to have this time around again, around again, is Jamaican rum cake. Black cake. That's like a staple at every every West Indian function. You have to have

Jamaican black cakes. So we're gonna have to make sure who makes good black cake. Somebody email me let me know if you have, like an auntie or somebody granny that makes a good black cake. One man said that he wanted to show friends and families how friends and family how he's changed since his first wedding. He described himself as immature and an absent husband and father. He wanted to use this virynyal to show that he'd become

a better, calmer person who puts his family first. I would agree with this, and I never thought I was an absent father. I think that I've been absent as a husband at times, trying so hard to be a present father and trying so hard to build stability, and I feel like I've been absent some time. And I could say that I've been an absent wife for sure.

Degree that a marriage therapist said that a lot of her patients decided to have a vournal ceremony after therapy as a celebration of work they've done together in therapy and as a way to reconnect uh dead as podcast. Yeah, I've been our therapy session as we told you about that, So I can kind of agree for myself at least I Devout gave his why on why the viournal, But for me, I can take a little bit from the second and third from you know, HOMEBOYD has said he

felt he was immature and absent as a father. I think there was a level of immaturity that I had to going into a marriage, not knowing what it meant to be a wife or the work that it was

going to take to be invested in this relationship. UM. So here I am ten years later from that point knowing, like wow, a lot of the things that were just surface level and just material at the time really means so much more to me now having worked through the past ten years with Devot, through children, business ventures, ups, downs, you know, highslows, all that UM and also too, we've spoken so much about some of our issues openly on this podcast, UM, which we've learned is very relatable for

a lot of couples. I can't tell you, guys how many times you know we've gotten enough course emails, listener letters, d M s, all that, um. But it becomes a little bit more tangible for us when we actually meet people in person, like even in our live shows, or if we bump into someone at the airport that says, you, guys, saved my marriage. Because I feel like I'm not the only one going through this, Like you've put a level of normalcy to my quote unquote problems. They're not really problems.

They're just like people issues that we deal with and that we are worth working on. So for me, um, going back to my why with the vour renewal, I feel like this is going to be a kind of like a celebration for me to say, I'm celebrating the new woman that I am as to vows wife and as the mother to these three boys and knowing so much more than I knew ten years ago. I feel like the recommitment is necessary for sure, I'm sure, and

I think it's going to be a great time. And I guess I would like some cake and I appreciate and I want to dance with you again. Yes, Yeah, I want to dance with you and slow dance, and I want to walk down the aisle again. Yes, you're gonna walk down the ale Gina didn't Martin. Yeah, with the slow walk and the drag step and all that

good stuff, for sure. But we're just not going to have three hundred and thirty people and we're not going to spend the kind of money we spent last time because according to that not one more, one more little statistics before I leave you a little survey. According to the Knots Real Wedding Survey from two thousand eighteen, a couple spent a couple will spend on average thirty three thousand,

nine and thirty one dollars on their wedding. That includes the cost of the engagement ring roundabout fifty hundred dollars, and in two thousand and ten, an average wedding costs just over twenty seven thousand, So it's increasing. Clearly, if it was twenty seven thousand and two thousand, eighteen thirty three thousand where we at in two thousand twenty, y'all, well, I will say it is we spent well over that average in two thousand and ten. Facts for all those

people we did, So I ain't doing that. Average couple hosts one hundred and thirty one guests, and seventy two percent of those surveys said that their top priority was ensuring their guests were taken care of and had a good time. So people, So, so, I just want you how to look at this because I ain't gonna put my business on the street. Right. They said they had a hundred and thirty one guests and the average one

guests was thirty three thousand. We had three people show up, So y'all do the math for how much our wedding costs and how stupid that was. It was so stupid, so stupid. This time around, we're gonna have a fraction of the guests and top priority is going to be that devol. I yes, have a grand alt with the people that we love, grand old time people that we love, and with the woman I love. So I love you girl, Oh I love you too. So exciting. What a great

way to wrap this season. It's almost like a cliffhanger. See, I'll got to make sure that y'all follow the hashtag. Okay, follow the hashtag? Um, what's the hashtag again? Make sure you'll follow the hag what the hathang ellis ellis vournual? I started that on Instagram with a couple of photos and stuff here and there, And of course I'm gonna be doing some pieces on my my blogs, so make sure you catch up with that as well. And the other hashtag baby e four on the ways. See what

you shouldn't have did that? What you messed up at was after we did a vournual shoot for being Collective magazine, Dive went on camera and gave all sorts of falsehoods, saying that the only reason why he's doing this bourn is because I promised him another baby that is going on the record. Where's the going on the record? And let y'all know that is not true. That little deal never happened. We never shook on it. That did not happen. So please don't women, women, can you being a renigga?

Can I even say that? Can I? I don't even gonna say. Y'all know what renigga is, right, I can't call your renigga. That just sounds messed up you, uh man? I want to call your She taken back on a deal? I said to her? She said that, She said de vow would you marry me again? And I said, would you have another baby for me again? And she was like, if we have a vournewal. You didn't say that, did that? I did not say that you did. Maybe in your dreams are but ren word? You are re in word? Well,

this last we wrapped this episode. Where do you? Where do you see yourself? For like your twentieth For our twentieth wedding anniversary, we had ten I got to think about twenty weeks. Gave me the ten. Can't we dream though? The same? When you want to dream about a baby, I just want to dream that we're gonna be in twenty years. Where do we see ourselves in twenty years? You are my honest opinion, In my honest opinion. Ten years from now, we'll have five kids because you'll get

pregnant and we'll have twin girls. We'll live in a big house in Atlanta, live in a bit. You asked me, You asked me, can I can I not even finish my dream? We talked about your dream, how almost got broke trying to give you your dream? But I can't even talk about my dream on the podcast ahead. So we'll have twin girls. Right, we're living in Atlanta in a huge house. Jackson will be on his way to college. Oh no, he'll be an All American. He'll receive a scholarship.

I don't want to go there, and no, you ask these question. He'll be receiving a scholarship to go to college to play basketball at Stanford or a prestigious HBCU. And Cairo and Cast will be following in his footsteps. There will be all Americans heading into high school because they're gonna play whatever sport they want to play. Cairo is probably gonna play an instrument, will probably be doing some sort of TV. Kas will be and it definitely does.

And he'll be the only kid that nobody knows. My two princesses, My two princesses will be nine years old, and they'll look just like their mom, and they'll sit on my right shoulder, my left shoulder, and we'll just be walking around our big life mansion in Atlanta together, and that's where will be planning, planning our second vole renewal. And I let them to pick my whole outfit and everything they them two can desire, everything Daddy wants to wear.

This is great. Yes, that's a great little story there. I don't even want to say my my twenty year at universe, who are I say? You took you took all the words out of my mouth with the accession of the daughters. But but yeah, you know, um, you know I probably say this as the moment of truth. I think this is a good moment of truth question.

We'll do a little twist on it, right, So when we come back from the break with the ads and all that stuff and listener letters, your moment of the truth question is going to be something that you still appreciate about me or each other after ten years of marriage, in eighteen years being together. Woild that be a cute little moment of truth. Yeah, I already know what it is.

You know what it is. Hold it hold that we talked all about renew We're gonna take a quick break, move into listener letters moment of truth of all that good stuff. But let's do some ads first. Okay, deal, deal, deal deal. This is for the record there. It is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior. But here it is the return to glory.

This is All American, a new series from Stitcher, hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger Woos doesn't know who he is best in the history of golf, no question in my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now. Listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. All right, so we did a lot of babbling this

time around, you know, this whole season. Let's get into our last bit of final listener letters. We had so many to sift through this season. Is the last episode of the season, but I'm gonna say it like it's the first. This is Cadine's favorite party. She'd be reading their emails and be all that, Oh, let me say, yes, better than some of them, Zane not novels from back in the day, and or your colts went toever and all the books. Shout out to people who remember what

those are? Those were the jams back first. Yeah, go for it. Okay, Hey, Codina what's up. I recently got engaged back in November, and so my question is, do you think I'll regret not having a wedding. My fiance and I talked about it and just want to have a ceremony and go on a nice, relaxing vacation. I had a conversation with a friend and family member and was told that she regretted not having a wedding. I

don't want that to happen to me. But but in our situation, we'd be the only ones paying for our wedding without the help of our parents, so it is very expensive. I would like to have one, but I would rather do a ceremony and go on a vacation since it is way more affordable. Everyone around us seems to keep trying to change our minds and trying to get us to have a wedding, so I keep having

mixed emotions. Girls, this is what you tell them, bye bye, bye bye bye as you get get planning and you're going on your vacation, because what they want is for you to have a wedding so they can come and they can eat, and they can drink, and they can be merry and leave your ass in debt or or you can say everybody's want to change my mind? How about your chip together and throw us a wedding story to go fund me page. How that. Listen, you guys

are making possibly the smartest decision of your life. And I'm gonna tell you like this, the wedding is never gonna go anywhere. What you can do is is go on a vacation right, save the money by your first house, then have the big wedding that you want to have, rather than trying to scrimpton and put it together for nothing. Says you can have a five years we're here. We are having a whole last one v renual ten years, ten years later. The wedding ain't going nowhere, So don't

listen to them. They want to be able to dress up and come to you your events and all that stuff. Now, if you can afford it, and you can do it the way you want to do it, of course, absolutely. But if you, if you, if no one's gonna help you, and right now you're not in a good financial situation, do not put yourself in debt to appease your friends. Don't do it. Don't do it. We've done that already

don't do it. Where those people devot Do you realize that they listened to the podcast right now and pissed because they know they're not coming to the valnual. That's where they are ship. No, but we've become those people that's like, don't do it. Don't do it. Like I remember people telling me little things back in the day when I was younger, I was thinking to myself, whatever, I'm gonna do what I want anyway, but no, don't

do it. Since we're telling you because you wrote it and you asked so clearly, only because you asked if you wanted to do it, I'd be like, go ahead and do it. You don't want to do it, No, the wedding and the festivities is not going anywhere. And if you do decide that you want to have one or your feeling regrets later on, go ahead and throw yourself a what as a big one and then invite who you want to invite. Here we go. That was easy.

Next one. I do understand that every individual must define their own relationship and the terms of what works for them. But as a foundation, how would both of you define what exactly a wife or husband is, what qualities are pivotal. What expectations should you have on your spouse that would be different from just a boyfriend or a girlfriend relationship? Overall? What does it mean to be married? Long story short,

you want to go first. I mean, I'm just happy somebody's asking these questions, and I'm assuming this person is not married yet, so they want to know what exactly goes into it. These are probably the questions I should have been asking getting married. So it could out to you for asking these questions because I didn't actually ask the questions about what goes into being a wife? Um? What are so pivotal life changing decisions that are going to be made? Um? So, So yeah, shout out to

you for that. Um go ahead about go ahead and start. You look like you're ready to stalk. Yes I am, because you know, people always often debate about this right because I say all the time that marriage is a business. Right. It is technically a business. In order to get married, you have to go and apply papers through the state, and through the state, you are legally binded to this person that you're married to, which means when you die,

your debts or your assets go to your wife or husband. Period. Marriage is a business right. I can sit here and lie to you and say it's about the love and trust and communication and blah blah blah. But you can have that with a boyfriend and girlfriend. Correct. Yes, Once you decide to sign on that line and become someone's

life partner, you are legally obligated to certain things. With that being said, once you are a wife or a husband, you have to start thinking about these decisions as a business. You can't be as selfish because if you're a boyfriend a girlfriend and you decide, you know, I don't want to be with this person, you can walk away, and you can walk away with the same things that you came with. When you're married and you decide that you don't want to be with this person, if that happens,

there's a lot more tied into that. So the decisions you make while in that marriage have to be taken with the same type of importance, which means you, guys, should discuss more finances. You should discussum your will, you should discuss your tax options. You to discuss who you vote for because who you vote for, and this is a huge thing, who you vote for may not affect you personally, but it may affect both of you together.

So back in the day, when you were dating and you didn't speak to people about politics, it didn't matter. But now if you guys are sharing the householder, your income is affected by taxes and text right offs depending on who you vote for. You and your wife should discuss these things. And I just think that when you get married, you should start looking at your life as a business. The love is going to be there, because if the love is there, that's when you ask somebody

to marry you. If y'all a boy from a girlfriend for some years or some months and y'all love each other and all that stuff is there, cool, do not forget the business part of marriage, I guess, I mean, I guess that would be the biggest change, because you look about a boyfriend and girlfriend, especially say, for example, someone who's been dating for a long amount of time, and you know, you have those those couples who have just been dating for like years and years and years

and it just never decided to actually get married legally and sign on the dotted line. I even think about your grandma, Um, you're you're nanny like she was with you know, Papa John for over twenty years his boyfriend and girlfriend living together all that. I guess that would be considered common law. So there's certain laws associated with

that that I'm not privy too. I'm not sure. But they were together for a very very long time and then you know, decided to retire and then eventually got married, and I think at that point it probably made sense because when you're married, especially at that age, you know your assets, You think about things where they're going to be going. Yeah, and who has like that next kid responsibility and all that for sure. Um So, yeah, that's

a very very good point too. And then yeah, there's also two that I don't I know for some people I've heard, like it's different when you're dating someone for a long amount of time and then you finally married, you can call them a husband or wife. But there's so much more that goes into the title of a

husband and a wife. And a lot of that too, is a lot of selflessness that goes into it because it's considering the whole unit versus just the individual, whereas boyfriend and girlfriend and things can be very separate some times. Um So there definitely it's like the entire unit, bless you.

There's the entire unit now that you have to take into consideration and making those decisions that are very selfless sometimes or having to compromise on certain things, um, and having discussions about things that you can't just move on your own. You're going to have to move as a unit. So that's the biggest thing, is like trying to be on the same page. I think, um, within a marriage, it's very important as a wife and you know, taking care of your baby. I think I'm glad you said that.

Taking care of your baby and just all the work you put in when you're dating someone. Normally when people get married, a lot of times just stops because you put all this work in to get to know someone, to love some want to trust someone, to be with someone. Then you get married and it's assumed that that's it's there. Now you're my wife, you're my husband. Is stopped like you know how I feel, you know how I feel?

Like we're good? Like No, that same energy that you had to try to gain that person's trust to become a husband or a wife, you have to keep that to keep your marriage. But with that being yes, and it is difficult, but to be honest, it was difficult to get to this point. It's difficult to maintain this point. But with that being said, nothing changes love wise once you get married. The only thing that changes is the fact that you are technically a business, like seriously, And

I don't think people understand that. Why I keep saying marriage is a business. God forbid, something that had happened to your husband or wife. Whatever debt they have rolls over on you. Now, whatever I asked us they have

rolls over on you. It's kind of financial responsibility. Those financial responsibilities have to be taken care of by us as a community, because that's the only way we're gonna build generational wealth and be able to pass things onto the future generations by taking marriage and the business of marriage seriously. The lovey dovey stuff that's gonna be there if you work for it, if you work for it, but the business you've got to be on top of that.

All right now, I'm passionate about this. You should be passionate about this. Two we when the debt getting married, thankfully we're out of that. I think about what we can do for our kids, to be honest, and then this is not you know, this is not me patting myself on the back. But Kadina and I have done things financially to be able to put things away for

our children. And now it's to a point where if my son or my daughter saying if we have a daughter were to get married, I can offer them the opportunity to have the wedding that they want, not going debt, and provide them with a place to live so that they can start off with the next day rather than starting off in debt. And we're not accepting applications for y'all daughter. Put that out there. Do you understand that your sons are gonna get married? At some point you

stop trying to hold onto these boys. Get it stop. So they're gonna get married, and they're not gonna forget about you. I know they won't. They have no choice by that they're not. We're gonna be a net empty nest house. We're gonna be able to swing from the shandez. Oh, I'm looking forward to that. I want an all white plates, so we're all white with the kids will not even be able to come to so we won't notice that. All I guess that actually have like a nice together space,

gives them a nice foundation. Make sure that they're good. Make sure your grandkids are good. And that's that's about this love that dap me up up all right. Yes, So just because we're done for the season does not mean that the listening letters have to stop. If you have something on your heart, if something's going on, even in our hiatus, please make sure that you reach out to us. Email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. The email box is always open all right now.

And uh, you know, if you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to hit us up there. All right. So I talked about the moment of truth. We're going to do a little different because normally it's just like a recap of the episode, our takeaway. But I had a particular question for you. Um, as we close on out, what's something that you still appreciate about me, or each other or our relationship after ten years married and eighteen years of being together. This is the God's

honest truth. I can appreciate that you and I are still best friends. Your head head. I just say that. I just rubbed your head. Now you got this is exactly why we're still together. And while we're having another I heard what you said. What I just said I'm rubbing your head and now you gotta rub mom. Shut up about anyway. I was literally going to say that we're still like best buddies. We still laugh about nothing. You still God forgive us. But we make fun of

people together. We're being a car people watching, laughing at people we do. We clown about some finish each other's sentence. Is still part of the reason why you, guys know us is because on social media you follow the funny silly videos and people say, you know, I hope your your relationship. You know it's really as good as it looks on social media. And I'll be honest, guys, we laugh and joke and are able to make funny videos because we are best friends. I love you, I love

you my moment, I fucking love you. That's what we still appreciate that we're like legitimately friends like till the end. You got a friend in me. You got a friend in me when you when your road is ruugh for head and your mouth and your mouth from your nice warm baby, you got a friend. You got a friend. I'm glad you know the lyrics for the rest of it, because I didn't know anything past you got a friend of me. He was doing that nervous laugh and I hope, hope you don't ask me to don't turn to Mike

my way. Don't turn to Mike by way. Oh my gosh. Alright, you give him one last outro baby for the for the road. This is the last show of the season. So much for listening it did it? Did? I feel like we have so much fun. Do you all have so much fun with us, because we sure has had have fun making these for you guys. I do hope you have for sure. Thank you so much for listening. If you want to continue following us, we mean, if you want to continue, you better continue to follow us

on social media. He's going to threaten the people he actually following us on social media. I am subscribe to dead Ass or on stitchr, Spotify or Apple podcast And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe absolutely and we love, love, love you guys. Please be sure to stick around season four. We'll be here before you know it. But in the meantime, we're going a way to get married real quick again. Peace

Dead as dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie Soljico and Dinor Opinia are executive producer T Square. Our associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres. Our Chief content Officer is Chris Bannon. Our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns and last but not least, we are mixed by Andy Kristen. We'll back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now as part of the Stitching

Network called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now. It's out. Do it, please U