When The Yoke Ain’t Always Even

Oh boy, why didn't you procrastinate on marriage? Had I known you was gonna piss me off as a business partner? About to rethought this whole being your wife thing too, because I can't differentiate sometimes dead as dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us from posting funding videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need derby most days. And one more important thing

to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Phillow's talk to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now for bad. I'm so I feel like re energized.

It's like a whole new year, whole new world. Yes, well, let's get into story time real quick. Before we get into this, I'm gonna take you guys back way back to January second two. You're so annoying. Go ahead. January two was like the culmination of our holiday break back in Brooklyn, New York. You know, you guys know we relocated to the West Coast, so we went back to Brooklyn for three weeks. Were in this particular morning, the second of January. We were stressed out because we've been

living in New York with both of our parents. Were about three weeks. And we love our parents. Don't get me one, we love our parents. But when you go from having your own space with your three kids to going back to living with your in laws on both sides, because we split between her parents and my parents and my brother, it was a lot so we both were just ready to tell each other off. And um, this morning, I was getting ready to get up and go to the gym, so I said, baby, she said yeah. I said,

I'm getting ready to go to gym. You come, and she said, yeah, yeah, I'm coming. So I get up, take a shower. She's still in bed. So all right, well let me let me go get something to eat. So I go get something to eat, come back. She's still in bed. So then I go, you know, start stretching downstairs, and well said baby, I'll get ready to leave. She goes, all right, I'm coming, go back upstairs. She's still in bed. So then I didn't get upset because I know that this is a process. But I asked.

I said, um, you plan on getting up anytime soon. And then out of nowhere, all the energy that I expected her to have when she got ready for the gym, all that energy came towards me. Why are you watching me to go to the gym? I said, I was coming. When I'm coming, just wait, And I was like, damn, this is the second thing. You clapped. You started clapping and and me when I was home, it just came back. You know, it's just it's cool because at this point, now all I want to do is go to the gym.

I don't even care about the scream. And I'm like, well, now, sence you up. Can you get your gass in the shower so we can go in the gym. No, now I'm not going to the gym. Now I'm tight. Now I'm tight because I've waited an hour in fifteen minutes for her because she wanted to go to the gym with me, And now since I tried to get her to push out the gym, now she's making a decision

that she's not going to the gym. So now my whole day is messed up because now I go to the gym and I'm mad the whole time I'm in the gym, I'm throwing weights around, I'm running mad fast on the treadmill. I'm welcome. I was helping your workout, that that energy that you needed, that it was the baby. It was all part of the plan. It depends on whose baby were sleeping in, because remember we couldn't sleep good in them. Remember it was in it was in

your your brother's bed and your parents house. Yes, that's fairly comfortable. My bad I probably was just time it's comfortable for you. I'm seeing my my back was fucked up. So my back was messed up. I went to the gym. I was in a bad move. Pissed my whole day off. And at that point I realized, you know what, I am no longer going to ask her about when she's going to the gym, And since then I have not mentioned the gym. I just get up and go, and she does this same baby, welcome to the party. Hey,

I hit the boy y already. Now my uncles skating the baby go. Welcome to the party. Me late good. Hey, hey baby baby, don't lower your tone because you can get hit. He shout out to Cannasi smoke. Oh my god, that's always a Boklyn chief. Used to be a Brooklyn chief. Shout out to the Brooklyn Chiefs. Shout out to the Brooklyn renegades. That's not a thought, for the record, nor does he have guns anywhich. I'm a pop. You're actually you're actually a pop. That's what my kids calling me. Pops.

What's up, pops? Do you go? Oh my god, that's that's nostalgic, though, like Brooklyn, we miss Brooklyn. Hey, guys, we'd like to give a shout out to Pop Smoke, who tragically passed away on Wednesday, February nineteen. We recorded this karaoke moment before this happened, and uh, we definitely had to go back and make sure that we paid our proper respects to a Brooklyn and especially a CANARSI legend it's I opened my phone up. Um, you know, my alarm went off and I was snoozing a little

bit half awake and I popped open Instagram. That was the first thing I saw. At my heart, I couldn't believe it. It's a shame. Has been a rough year. We've lost a lot of a lot of people this year. And I will say this, you never want to speculate about what happened, how things have happened. Um. I know people are getting information from Instagram, but I will say this, everybody who follows you, it's not rooting for you. Yeah.

Everybody who's next to you is not your friend. Yeah. Man, make sure that you're aware who you are, what you're doing, and just be safe, man. Yeah. Absolutely, Rest in peace to Pop Smoke and rest in peace bro phrase up to his family. For sure. I had a moment yesterday. Did you know that? I didn't even tell you know. So I had a moment yesterday. UM. Actually always driving to the gym to go work out, the said devlts man, never get to But I was going on my own terms,

at my own time. After I had a good night's sleep, thank god. UM, and I got a FaceTime that I missed from my hair stylist Janelle. Janelle ce Lee Smith back home. Shout out to Janelle, my girl, UM. And then she told me that she she said a video and she was actually with um my makeup artists, Nelly, the girl who does my nails, my homies, Tianaiana who I used to work with it Max, she was my manager back in the day. Really good friend of mine.

She was literally with like my girls, like my group of people who have either grown with who have taught me so much, or like where my core Gland people or still are. And after off the phone, Janelle, I was like, I want to go. I want to go back to Brooklyn. I don't blame, don't feel like that. Yeah, I think just seeing them all in that space, I was just like, oh my god, I can't believe this. I missed him. I missed y'all. I missed everybody in Brooklyn.

But that song definitely gives me a little bit of nostalgia for sure. Um it's inappropriate and maybe because if that was not a thought, but yeah, it just hit, which just remind me good. Yeah, hey, hey, hey baby. But welcome to the party. We're back. We're back. Welcome to the party. Welcome to the party. Folks that made it so appropriate. It's a whole new year, and we're just so excited to be back with y'all. Season three, Yes, three seasons. I never would have imagined, not me, who

would have you know? Not me? I mean we were on a little hiatus, little break, you know, through the holidays, and now we're back, and I'm just like really excited, Yes, for a whole another season. We have some awesome topics in store for y'all this season and some great guests. This season in particular, is dedicated to something very special. Baby, what is it? This is gonna make ten years for Codin and I married. It is eighteen years together, but

ten years married. This fourth of July, the day I lost my independence. He'll tell you that over and over again, over and over again, because I remember what did you say one year you were just like, yeah, that makes like eight years of slave because we were together at the point I said that we were together for twelve years and years time that was like, that means twelve years of slave, Like to shut up. You know you want to be here, bro, I do? I do. I

love it. I love it and procrastination and all absolutely, and this year, um, we are going to be renewing our vows. Yes, So I'm excited about that. I know we decided to dedicate this entire season to the process of getting back together because I've said this a bunch of times on Instagram and Kadan talks about it a lot.

How we've like, we're renewing our vows because we have to have a recommitment to each other after being together so long, after going through adulthood together, because we met his children, we met it babies, and now you know, it's almost like, you know what, we're adults now we kind of understand who we are as individuals and understand each other. So let's do a recommitment and let's get

this thing going right. I mean, I can't lie, though I do feel some kind of way because you're sound back at the top of the show, I was trying to call me out for not procrastinating, but wanting to are you I thought she'd be happy about that. No, no, no, I didn't say I was. I said the fact that you didn't procrastinate when they came to marriage was completely opposite. Because I couldn't wait, what do you mean? What do I mean? Let me explain something, explain, explain this is

what this is what I've learned through through marriage. Right. People show you who they are by little things that they do consistently every day. Right, So people can say one thing, but they'll show you who they are. And Codeine throughout time has showed me, has showed me that she tends to procrastinate on things. And the gym was just one example. Right, I'll give you another example. Oh, now he's pulling up. We'll sweep up the floor, right, I know you do. I know I'm just saying, but

this is just an example of your procrastination. So sweep the dust from the floor into a little corner. And then a day later I'll be like, yeah, you're gonna pick that dirt up, and she's like, yeah, I gonna pick it up. I'm just I gotta collect more, like you don't just pick up dirt every single time. I'm gonna collect more. And then two weeks ago by the same dirt be sitting there, and she'll clean around the

same pile of dirt. And then I realized at this point is that the only reason why she left it there was not only because she procrastinates, would also be because I'm a little bit controlling, because I'm neurotic. Everybody has their issues right, right, and I'm neurotic, right, So I love to have things when I want things and how he wants things. Yes, I know I got my issues too. I got problems. A lot of us got problem.

I'm one of them that problem. So when I see something, I gotta have it right now and it has to get done right now. So you've got two people who philosophically exists in two completely different worlds realms altogether, and we work together. And then my thing is to vow if you feel that strongly about the dirt that I sweep into said corner here, the energy that it takes for you to be like, okay, you're gonna pick that

dirt up. You can just get the dust pain and pick it up yourself, right, But it's the principle of it is the principle. It's not about the dirt getting done. It's the principle that means I'll be doing double the work all the time, because then I'll be doing the stuff I'm supposed to do and then completing the tasks you're supposed to complete. And that's not fair. I'm a product of my environment, though, because when we go back to my parents house, what do you find in said

corners of the kis dirt. There is like literally a corner in my parents house where for years, since I was a child, that's where everyone sweeps the dirt into that corner and eventually picks That's here's the most insane about it. Just the big with the dust pan. They won't pick it up in the dust y'all will lean the dustpan up into the corner right where the broom is. Tell me, I'm lying. You don't put the dustpan and goes behind the water fountain of the water thingy in

our house, we don't have a water thing. The dustpan is right parents house. Oh, it depends because cats likes to throw our dustpan in the garb. Depends on the day anyway. That being said, yes, we're talking today about just even the process of working together and how difficult that can be for two people who are married but also business partners at the same time. And the issue to Val and I run into sometimes is that we have to take off that husband and wife cat put

on the business partner hat. But if I'm mad at you as husband and wives from time, I don't want to deal with you as a business partner or vice versa. And we actually had a very big argument, huge argument in November. Was it because pretty much Val was getting on me about what were you getting about on me about? I think it was about starting my workout routine again or something. No, it wasn't about starting workout. Sometimes in

marriage is what happens. You'll have something on your heart and something will come up and you use that example of what's happening in the present to to bring up other things that have been bothering you. So in our lives, I've always been like an overachiever, go getter. Like I said, I'm very compulsive. Sometimes I don't even think things through, which is not the best thing at times. But sometimes as I see something I wanted I'll go get it.

Where Codeine likes to plan and she likes to think things out and she gives out different options and that takes time, and to me it comes across as procrastinating. But to her, that's her process. And before we had this conversation, I just saw it as procrastinating because I didn't understand her process. So she was talking about getting on going on this detox, going on this carb cycling

so she can lose weight heading into pilot season. And at this point it was November, and I was like, why would you Why would you wait until the New Year's to start this, And she was like, well, it's the holidays. I know I'm not gonna eat the way I want to eat, so I don't want to start something and then break, you know, break my habit, you know, or create a bad habit of breaking it before I started, because I know the holiday is here. And to me,

I was like, that doesn't make any sense. And a lot of times, you you you're so narrow minded when you have a mindset of what you think is right, that you don't understand other people's process. And at the point that's where I was, I was really just being narrow minded because I didn't see her her process. I didn't see a perspective. I just saw that if you can now, why not start now? If you if you start now and you lose a couple of days because you know, you eat bad, at least you started. But

for her, that's not a process. So I just started. I used that example to tell her about a lot of different things, not just about the working out and open the floodgates of the vout trying to read me on everything that he's had issues with. According to how I deal with business, I wasn't reading you were here

was another example. My My issue at the time was we had just both changed management and we have the same management and a lot of times because we do a lot of things as business partners, management will take on both of us. And my thing to her was if I went out and I got a manager and they want to represent you as well, you're also a representation of me as I'm a representation of you. So if we represent each other individually and as a couple, we have to hold the same standard like a team.

So I had asked her, did you get back to our manager? Did you get back and She's like, no, I'm working on this, I'm working on that. And I was like, yo, like that's that's not just your manager, that's our manager. When you don't get back, it makes us seem as if we're not serious. So it wasn't just about the working out. It was about her process and how she takes time to do things, and that led to a big argument because it led to other things.

We talked about sex all the time and her procrastinating because she has her process of how she wants to do things for me, and based on my love language, I want things done immediate and I want things done spontaneous. So it was like a whole bunch of things started to come out based on this one example. Yes, it bubbled over and we had a huge revelation. We had a very very big revelation. And in that revelation, so pretty much you gave your reason as to why we

are into this whole argument or whatnot. Okay, I have a certain way of doing things that historically has worked for me. Some things haven't worked for me in terms of perfect very successful. So I can't even take that from you as I got a method, you know what I mean, And with the whole thing with like us having the same management and whatnot. We had to really sit down, I think, both of us having separate meetings with our managers to let them know, yes, we are married,

we are a couple. We do a lot of business things together, but we do like to be dealt with as separate entities as well, which I think is very important because not only do we have our own individual endeavors, but we also have um different ways of doing things.

So us always being grouped together and lumped together and things was a problem for us, and I think in part for our manager that's the first time they've ever dealt with a married couple, so they dealt with us as a married couple as opposed to to different clients. So good exactly. So that being said, it was a lot easier. So then we got we got to separating like group chats, and you know, things really became divided

at that point. And so far since we've done that, I think that we've both been functioning really well because you know, it's not just an overload of information where I'm getting information about Devo or he's getting information about me, and then we can both just focus on that um but I think the bigger problem for us here is the fact that, you know, we started out our relationship on the same page about what we wanted to do

in life. You know, we made plans. We told you God, we had a plan right from the start, from early. Let you know what they say, sometimes opposite attract and as like minded as we are, as you know, entrepreneurs, as parents, um as partners, Devo is like to do it now kind of person and I'm the chronic procrastinator,

Like that's just what it is, um. And as a couple and as parents and as business partners, we really had to figure out how to work with each other on seven basis when do we actually like punch the clock out of work and become husband and wife because that was becoming an issue for me. That was becoming an issue for me as well. It's like I'm arguing with you as a business partner, we have a disagreement, or we have a heavy load of work to be done,

and Develo wanted to get all of it done. Now Me not even as much procrastinating, but me just saying, you know what, I want to clock out of work so I could spend time with my husband for an hour or two, and you know, I think it's not to put you off. I think it's unfair for me to label it as procrastinating, because while having these conversations, I learned that you just have a different process and because your process takes longer than mind doesn't mean that

you're procrastinating. But that was me, in my narrow mindedness, thinking that if she doesn't get it done as fast as I get it done or how I would have gotten it, you didn't care about it as much. That's just how it came across to me. Though you understand what I'm saying. Thank you for admitting that. I think this is the first time you've actually admitted that to me. Yeah,

I waited. I waited till now because I wanted to make sure I have my words properly together, you know, because this is not you know, I didn't want to say it and forget what I was saying. So I wanted to make sure my thoughts were together when I said this to you, and not for nothing. Giving you your space to be your own entity within our business allowed me to watch how you got things done. If you think about it, we haven't even given each other

any space to see how our process works. So before I could even watch your process, I was criticizing yours and saying that it was done the wrong way. And a lot of that comes because, like I said, I'm very neurotic. I can be controlling at times, but I'm also like I've been very successful at everything that I've done in my life because I don't think about what

could go wrong. And this is what I also realize is different between you and I. And I don't know if this is a male female thing or just a personality thing, but I've always been a dreamer and I don't feel like there are any bad decisions. I feel like you make a decision in life, and you make the best out of whatever decision you make. Whereas you and another example, pick and clothes, I'll go into my closet,

I'll see something, I'm gonna pick it up. I'm gonna say this fits, and I'm gonna make a dope outfit out of whatever this is. You I'm going to try a couple of things, mix and match. But that's your process. That's your process. It takes it takes a about three hours, and usually you look but you look good and I gotta respect your process, although it's different than mine. I

gotta respect your process. And I have to admit from November to now, you have you've lost over twelve pounds, you've created more content for social media, You've been in a better place, in part because I'm not on your ass all the time. I think that had a lot to do with it. And I was gonna say, not having you breathing down my neck with every single move that had to be made actually gave me a little bit of relief. I'm not gonna lie. Hey, you know,

I'm not gonna lie. And the funny thing is, when I said that to you that I was going to do that, the first thing you said was, oh, we don't gotta be like that. Devout why you're acting like that, and said I thought you were just being dramatic, and I thought you were just trying to just say, you know what, k I'm just gonna wash my hands of

you and you figure it out. And I was just like, in that moment and in the space we were in at that time, it did seem like you were just it was coming for not from not the most positive place. But that's why I didn't say it or didn't. I try now because I know that my words can come across, especially if the temperature of the room is it's very, very hot. I know that no matter what I say, it can be taken with a negative. So when I said to you, you know what I'm gonna do, I'm

gonna step back and let you do your thing. I didn't want it to I didn't mean it as fuck you, I don't care no more. It was more like, you know what, let me give her some space to be who she wants to be within this business, not marriage, within this business, so that I can see your process, so I can learn, and then you can just be, in turn a husband and I can be a wife and we can enjoy the times that we are not working.

Because I'm not gonna lie to you. I hate being punished as a husband for things that I say as a business partner. It's just not fair to me. I agree, And the same thing happens with me as a wife. Like I may say something to you that you don't like, or me make a decision you don't like, and then the rest of the evening is blown or the rest of the day is blown. Because it's like feel some kind of way about Devot the business partner, not Devout

the husband. And in part I will also say you stepping back right and being like whatever case you figured out, you got your process, you figured it out. The competitor in me was not about to prove you, right. I

understand that. So if I had to do anything at that point other than just legitimately working on things that I know I needed to work on in terms of, like you know, not getting things done in a timely fashion or like putting things off, I was gonna do that just because Devo said that I couldn't do it. I get it. I need you to also understand where

I was coming from with my mentality. Right. It may come across as controlling and may come across as crazy at Tom's, but there's a different stress that's put on me as a man in this relationship than that's put on you. Okay, because if our marriage feels and we have nancial struggles, they're not gonna look at you and say, codem, what happened? Why? They're gonna look at me as the man and said you're supposed to provide? And I accept that.

I accept that that honor and that challenge is a man, because you have to accept that you brought our three children's life into this world. You had to do that. I can't. I couldn't do that, you know what I'm saying. So this in part is my responsibility to make sure that we are taking care of financially in our businesses succeed. So with that being said, there there is a certain stress that's on my head that isn't on your head.

You get to be free and do things in your own time because there are certain things that I take care of that you don't worry about. You understand what I'm saying because you have made it known and I think you recently did a post on Instagram about this that a lot of like that's you or we spoke about it at one of the live shows that like you take on that as the man of the house to be able to provide. You know, bills are taken

care of and that. So I will say that, yes, you definitely have that under control, and not that I don't assist with that. When I income by the income that I bring in, it's not that I don't assist with that, but I understand what you're saying when you say you feel like that responsibility or that stress is on you. Yeah, because I feel like there's a sense of urgency with my life every day when I wake up.

Because of entrepreneurs um, I don't get a consistent paycheck every two weeks where I know this money is coming in and I go to working clock in and clock out. I have to build business constantly, so when I wake up in the morning, there's a sense of urgency that exists that I know I have to make a certain amount of money for us to survive and thrive and build for our boys. That sense of urgency doesn't exist

with you because that stress isn't on you. So you can wake up in the morning and say, you know what, I don't really feel like doing this right now. I'll go through my process. Whereas for me that process I'm not allowed that particular process because the mortgages do on the first rent for all other properties to do on the first card, notes to do on the fifteen. You

understand what I'm saying. So for me, I I will apologize for how I was trying to put a sense of urgency underneath you, but I want you to understand where I was coming from. It wasn't a thing where I was just trying to control you, but there was a reason behind it. I think we should talk about to the the difference or maybe that fine line between pushing someone and then motivating someone, Like what's the difference there?

Because to you, I know a lot of the times you had seen it as I'm just trying to motivate you to just be like this, or it's worked for me when I did it this way. So take a look at the blueprint that I've laid out and try that and see if it works, because that's you trying to find a way to motivate me to get things done, thinking that maybe I needed the motivation, whereas for me,

I was just going through my process. Like I phone also lie and say that it's just not me putting things off, because I do do that a lot, So it's not like I was trying to necessarily find the motivation with certain things. But like, do you ever feel like sometimes you pushing me is really just trying to motivate me or is it just really out of share frustration that you you want me to get things done the way you want them done. No, I honestly feel

like it's it's motivation. But I do realize that there are different personalities that exists in the world. Like I was an elite athlete at the Division one level, then I was a pro athlete. There's a certain mindset that I have that carries me throughout the rest of my life as an athlete that is never going to go away.

And sometimes it does get frustrating for me when I see people who are talented who don't put the same amount of work into their dream as I would put in because I don't understand that mentality of I want this, it's right there. All I gotta do is work hard to get it. But then they're like, you know what, I'll do it tomorrow. Like I just don't understand that mindset. And that's not just for you, that's just about people.

Like as a coach, when I when I first retired from the NFL and I started coaching, there were young kids who were way more talented than me who just would not put the work in and it was frustrating, Like I would be screaming, cursing, holler and trying to find different ways to motivate them and they just didn't get it. They just wouldn't it didn't matter what I did,

they didn't get it. And and realistically, it wasn't until I had children that I realized that you you cannot make or mold someone's you know, personality, or will they their work ethic they have a certain work ethic or they don't. You can provide them with the tools and they can choose to see it. But once someone has decided that they're not gonna do something, you can't want it or do it for them more than they want

to do it themselves. And I think in this past year, I've learned that not only about myself my kids, and I've learned that about you. You have to allow people to go through their process because there's so many different ways to be successful, not the devoal way. There's a lot of successful people in the world who probably don't do things the way I do things. So let me step back and allow you to create your process and

also go through your failures the same way. I've gone through my failures doing things in my process, but had to go through them first. Yeah, I'm trying. I felt like I was trying to avoid you going through the failure. It's about pushing, pushing, and we were failing. It's almost like yeah, it's almost like you've taken on that role of like a parent, Like I don't want her to go through this like hurt or this missing out or something, so let me try to like get it done, which

I completely understand. You know, part of it for me, um, you just having the personality being like the go getter and the doer and do it now and like a hundred and ten percent all the time and never let down. I feel like I'm also in the position in the household as the wife and the mom and as your partner to also provide or help to provide a sense of balance for you and leave it to you. You never clock out, and that takes a toll on you.

You know, you have times where if you're using your body as an instrument as an actor, you sometimes you look tired, and I'm like, babes, I think you need to like put your phone down, put it on do not disturb for a little bit, or put it on silent and actually sleep a full eight hours of sleep at night, or take a nap if you need it, or maybe we need to clock out and take a weekend to just like reconnect and that sense of balance

that I helped to provide. Is not me just saying they put it off because it's not important at the time, but sometimes just for our mental health and for the health of our relationship, for our children's sustenance, like it's necessary for us to have that, you know. So it's not always just about me trying to put things off just because I feel like it's not that important at the time. But some things just really are not that

important at the time. And I feel like we have a very big example in that with the recent tragedy that happened with Kobe Bryant and um the other eight lives that were lost, Like it really put in perspective sometimes just really spending quality time with family when you have the time, or making the time for it. You know, he passed away doing something that he loved to do, being a dad. You know, those parents and those children together,

they were families doing things together. Like so it just those moments that I want to really be able to like hone in on for us. Um it's not necessarily procrastinating. It's just like, you know what, some things can wait, and there's a difference are so as it pertains to working with a spouse, UM, and I guess different styles of how you get to whatever the goal is. So it's like you make the goal, UM, and you have the method to get there, even if the method is

not the same. I think there's a great respect maybe for even just trying to understand or appreciate the way in which your spouse arrived at that end goal. Does that make sense? Absolutely? I agree with you with thousand, but also understanding that their process is different than yours,

and their process may change throughout life. The same person that you met that was eighteen is now thirty, and the way they process things, then you can't expect them to remain in that same process or mode of process now as they continue to evolved as a human. No,

for sure, definitely. So thank you for admitting to me earlier that you know you were maybe not the best that the way you handled that last argument we had where you know, you were just kind of placing how you felt I should have done things, you know what I mean, It all came from a good place to place of love. I was just, you know, the sense of urgency that I felt as a husband and a provider. I was trying to make sure that you know, if this is what you wanted to do, then know I

appreciate that. I think, yeah, it definitely kind of masks itself as like you were picking on me in a sense. But I know how you try to motivate people, and I want to I've experienced that with seeing you do it with other people. You know what I mean. And it goes back to this saying that you had on the back of your T shirts. Remember when you you had to elite prototype that talent when talent doesn't work hard. There you go. That rings so true. Yes, yes, ma'am.

And I don't want to be the talent that don't work hard. Oh my God also wants u. So we're going to take a break and get into listener letters, but of course ads first, so stick around this for the record. There it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here

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Canine's favorite part of the show. Are you going to say that every episode this season? Probably the first seven. I'll stop after the first seven. Lucky number seven my favorite next to karaokey because I like to hear you. But I'm the one that always be saying all the lies. You know, I'm trying to let me get into this nosiness. You know Conine, she'd be reading y'all listening to letters. She'll be like, I can't say this on the air.

I can't say my invisible pearls. I'm like, listen, guys, there's about so much we can help with, but nah, go ahead check it. Okay. So I've been married for six years. We have not been in a good place because mentally I've checked out. We have two kids, three year old boy, two month old girl. We are originally from New York City, and moved to Delaware. Why would you do that five years ago? When my husband joined

the air for us? Now it makes sense. After doing four years and he decided he wanted to stay in Delaware. I initially and deep down still did not want to stay here. I expressed this to him, and he convinced me that we could not return back to our hometown because of the cost of living and wanted more for our children. Understandable, I do not like it here. I have no family village out here, and he is always at work and I and only leave the weekends for us to spend time with each other due to his

work schedule. I work as well, but I feel like a single parent Monday through Friday. That can be tough. We just purchased our first home in Delaware last year because last year December, and now I feel stuck. My question is what should I do? Should I continue to allow my husband to lead our family with my sentiments or not being acknowledged and we are not on the same page and I being selfish? Codeine? Help? Does she ask for my whole specifically? You know, she's a she's

a wife. Well, no, I mean I understand, I mean clearly child. You're not checked all the way out because you have a two month old baby girl, so you you know there was something, there was something happening recently.

Um in there. But I do understand the feeling of not being happy in the space that you're in, Like we had even spoken about it, um before in another episode where you know, I was deval thought he was providing this stellar lifestyle for me, where in the same breath, I honestly felt like I was just stuck and trapped and I had nothing for myself. And it's really really kind of debilitating when you feel like you lose your sense of purpose, especially with having the weight of the

children on her the entire time. UM. I do understand though, his his mindset with the cost of living, Like you think about what I'm the home you've purchased in Delaware and potentially the space you've gotten with the children and everything, versus what you would pay for a space in New York, which is one of the reasons why we've relocated from

New York, and just wanting more for the children. UM. But I do believe like within a relationship, within a marriage, that there comes these levels of sacrifices, right, So with the sacrifice. This maybe that period in time where you shouldn't necessarily check out, but you should understand and realize

that there may be a necessary sacrifice happening. So that is sacrificing maybe a bit of your happiness or a bit of of your freedom, or a bit of the time that you want with him during the week because there's a bigger picture here, or there's a bigger end goal. Um. And I mean it's a major accomplishment being able to purchase your first home. Um. You know, the feeling of stuckness.

I don't think you should necessarily feel stuck, but yeah, because there's always something else, um, that you can potentially work on. So maybe having the conversation with him to let him know, like, you know, I this may be something short term for us. You know, does he feel the same way? UM? Is there a possibility that provided you know, income increases or opportunity increases, that you can

maybe move closer back to the Tri state area. UM. I don't know if that's a conversation that you've had with him, but I do understand the mindset with him as a man, like de Vo said, feeling like Okay, I'm the leader of the household. I want to work in conjunction with my wife because that's also very important. No one wants to feel like they're just being you know, blindly lad, but you know, working in partnership to know that, Okay,

what's going to be our next move. Maybe you can give each other a time frame, like for example, in deval and I relocated out here to l A knowing that we were still going to kind of be like bicoastal or tri coastal with Atlanta included knowing that, okay, is there a time frame that we're gonna be here. Is it gonna be three years, is it gonna be five years? In the next five years, we'll be working towards moving to another location, you know. So just having

a plan, I think it's very important. Um, this is the thing. The first thing is never feel stuck. This is our first episode for I want to put this out there for everybody. You are capable of building the life that you want. I need everyone to understand this. There is no such thing as a bad decision in life. Once you've thought about it, you make a decision. You make the best out of whatever decision you made. If

you sit back and dwell on bad decisions. You can't possibly move forward because you're thinking about things that happened in the past. If the decision is already made. For example, you said you purchased this home and you feel stuck. Don't feel stuck. You purchased this home. Now, like Kadin said, make a plan to where if you want to get back to New York, how can you financially survive and thrive in New York the way you can survive and

thrive in Delaware. Like Kadin also said, as the man of the house, I assume you you you know you appreciate him as the leader. He's trying to make decisions that best affected children first, as he said, and then you guys, so as parents, it is going to take some sacrifice. But that doesn't mean that you have to sit back and just accept everything that happens. Build a plan with your partners, say yo, baby, I ultimately want to get back to New York in three or four years.

So that means you work extra shifts during the week, and that means you you take you know, save a little bit of money here, don't go on this trip here, so you can you know, purchase another home or you can use this home in Delaware as a rental property to then get a home in New York so you can supplement your income. There are so many different ways for you to build a life that you want. Just don't feel stuck. Maybe is don't like it's too early in the year for you to be stuck. You guys

have two kids, you're both doing well. You know, you just bought a property. Life is really not that bad. It may not be exactly what you want in this moment, but also understand your life is not going to be defined by what is happening only in this moment. Keep building, moving forward, do it together. Grow It's that's my insists. I don't feel bad for you because you're in Delaware and New York is about a three hour drive. Meanwhile, I have a six hour flight to get back to

New York to get back home. Girl. So if it means maybe like taking road trips up on the weekends or you know, when the kids have off from school, I mean three and two months old, you maybe have some flexibility. I'm hoping with your job that to be able to take the weekends and then maybe drive up to New York to get your a little fixed because me, I will hop a plane ride baby in a heartbeat to get back to Brooklyn to get my little refill of that energy and that vibe and then come back

to the West Coast. Absolutely, don't don't discredit the fact that you are two months postpartum. Go see someone and talk to someone. If you're feeling stuck. I don't know if you're dealing with some sort of depression. Codeine suffered from a little bit of a walking depression where she was functional, but she had a little bit of postpartum

depression with So go speak to someone. Find out if these feelings you have are about your life, or if they're emotional, or if their hormonal, or if there's something different going on. So go speak to somebody, or definitely speak to you and don't check out check back in. Maybe all right, and on to the second one. I'll read this one. It says high Codeine and de vow. Hey. First, let me say that I love you both in your union.

Thank you. You all are super relatable as my as my husband and I are both working parents with four children at home. I'm writing to get some advice and if I should leave my full time job to pursue a career in real estate. My husband is supportive and actually proposed the idea of me becoming a full time realtor and leaving my current full time job. The problem I'm having is that I've been working since I was fourteen,

and I've never been without a steady paycheck. Also, these four children need to be taken care of, and Mama don't want them to struggle. I'm battling with myself. My husband is able to cover the bills, and it will be tight for some time, but we both see the vision and see ourselves in a much better financial situation. When I start booming CIST, they'll start booming CIST. The question is how do I release the fear of taking the leap and leaving my full time job. Girls, get

on comfortable sis. Growth that's worth having comes from being uncomfortable, that level of discomfort that you're gonna have a little bit. I mean, you have all the boxes checked. It's gonna be separate. You have all the boxes check. Your husband and and it is supportive. Okay, Um, he could cover

all the bills, you know what I mean. The kids won't have to struggle like they're really you have all the boxes checked to be able to, you know, if your heart is in this real estate thing, to go ahead and do it like I had that moment a couple of years back. Um was a lot of years back now that I think about it. With makeup. You know, I was working at the Matt counter out in New York, and you know, it wasn't fulfilling for me. I wasn't happy. I didn't have the time that I wanted with my family.

And but I was used to every you know, two weeks, not even every week because they paid weekly and I was just getting that money in my account. I had my benefits and I was good. Um, but I just wasn't happy. I was not happy. And it just took a level of me having the support of my husband and saying, you know what, I know that I can do more on my own. I can be control, in control of my career, I can be in control of

my destiny and in turn control of my family time. Um. So of course it took a little sacrifice in the beginning, you know, cutting back and being strategic with budget, which y'all know I hate the word budget because budgets are made to be rugged. Okay, but I did um work with Devol to know that, Okay, this is the kind of life style we want to live, So in order to make that happen, we're gonna have to pull from here, there, and there. But it's all a sacrificial period that had

to take place for that growth to happen. And it's important for you to understand this. This fear that you feel has been ingrained in us as workers to constantly feel like we have to work for somebody in order to survive in America. That's not a healthy fear. Okay. The only reason why you're in America to work is to build capital, to create your own dreams, to build your own business so you can ultimately generate your own revenue and have autonomy over your whole your own life. Ultimately,

that's what the American dream is. The American dream is not to work on the five, work until you sixty five, you get two weeks vacation, then you die at seventy five because you only have ten years to to enjoy your retirement. No, the goal is to make that money you sacrifice in your twenties and your thirties and your forties, making that money so that you can start your own business so that you can say, you know what, I'm not clocking in nobody else's dream anymore. I'm clocking into

my own dream. Once you save that money and you have the support system you said, you have your husband, you put that time and energy that you were putting into someone else's dream be putting into your own. I'm telling you they're gonna be years like the first two or three years, where you're gonna feel like, oh, this

is a struggle. But once you hit that breakthrough and the money is coming in from real estate and you can go to all of your children's games, you can go to all of their recitals, you can take them to school in the morning, you can pick them up after school. It is the greatest feeling in the world. Like Codein and I are at that point now in our life. But there was a five year span in

particular where I turned in my Audie. I was taking the train Codina and I didn't go on vacation because I was building a business and Codein was working at mac. Once we built that business, we switched. She was at home building her business and I was working because I had the consistent paycheck from the time that she let me build my business. Then she see I stayed home and I was building my business making money. It was tough.

I made sure the builds are paid every month. I was played paycheck to paycheck, save a little bit so I could be paycheck to paycheck. Then Codein hit a point where, yeah, wedding makeup was flourishing and money was just constantly coming in. Like she was like, I'm booked, I'm booked, I'm booked. I'm constantly booked. And she was like, whoa, I got money for the next three months print because

we were going to check the check. So I was like, well, I've already paid those rents because my business was building. So we were like, wait a minute, we actually have money that we can save, and we actually have money where we can do things. And then before we knew it, we had done what we wanted to do. We had stopped expecting for someone else to give us our money to live our life, and we had learned to build it on our own. That's where you want to get to,

and you can do it. Don't let people tell you can't. Don't let them scare you into or you won't have health insurance and you won't have the steady paycheck. The steady paycheck is to keep you comfortable enough to help build somebody else's dream. Investing yourself, trust your husband, and get it done right. Now, that was a whole word. I'm telling you. I don't want to shade though to the nine to five. I don't want to make sure

we're clear on that. I understand that we're talking about in the context of this listener there at the nine to fives, because some people enjoy living that type of life. For this woman in particular said that she doesn't feel happy living that type of life. Exactly if you don't feel happy something perfect example, my brother, my brother loves clocking in and clocking out like he loves it. That's he wakes up in the morning. He loves it. There's no shade. And my brother makes very good money. He

takes his vacation when he takes his vacation. And the thing is, though, he loves his job to be able to do. If you're working to get a paycheck and you don't love your job, it's different. For sure. He loves his job. He loves his job. Your job right, because some people are just aren't natural entrepreneurs, you know what I mean. So they you know, it depends on what's going to make you the happiest. So ultimately, Sis, like I said, you have all the boxes checked, go

ahead and take that leap of faith for sure. For sure. And if you want to go ahead and take a leap into our listener letter mailbox and you want to be featured whatever I listening letters, go ahead and email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com and we will check our mailbox and see what y'all talking about for next episode. All right, so let's close out with the moment of truth. You know, like we said, it's a new year. You know, we talked about people

not necessarily being evenly yoked. Um, that's the topic that we're talking about today. So what's your your takeaway Bay from today's episode. This is my takeaway that I've learned. It's very very quick when you're dating somebody, you tend to wish for You don't want any harm to ever come to them. You wish you could do things for them that they don't have to go through any anything in life. You just want to make sure that you

do it for them. Right. A lot of times you hinder your partner by expecting them to do things your way because you feel that if they do it their own way, they're not going to be successful. I was guilty of that, and I was wrong, because you are being successful doing it your way. I just figured me, being controlling a little bit, wanted you to do it my way so I can ensure that you would have some level of success, which is a fallacy you create

for yourself. Allow your partner to go through their own process, even if your business partners, and not not just spouses, if your business partners, allow your spouse to go through their own business process so that you don't get upset as a husband or a wife for things that they said as a business part for sure, as long as it's not a detriment to to like the marriage or to the business. Like of course you want to take

those things in mind. If you do, you do see that they're on the road to something potentially like crushing and burning, then of course it makes sense to second. And you know, my mom, and the truth I think is going to remain the same at least when it pertains to us, and it's that, you know, balance is so important with everything and knowing that sometimes you just have to clock out. Sometimes you have to put the phone down. Sometimes you have to just let things wait.

And it's not because you just don't want to get it done or there's a level of procrastination evolved. It's just that sometimes for our own relationship, for our own sanity, for our own mental health, for our own you know, vibe and energy, sometimes you have to know when to be able to clock out, especially if you're working with your spouse right well, be sure to follow us on social media. That's I am Developed and Cadine I am And if you're listening on Apple Podcast, be sure to rate,

review and subscribe. Please do because season three is kicked off us. It is upon us, it is here, it arrived. We're here dead Ass as dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie Sojico and No Opinion. Our executive producer T Squares. Our associate producers are Triple and Kristen Torres. Our Chief content Officer is Chris Bannon, Studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns and last but not least, we are mixed by Andy Kristens.

We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now. It's part of the Stitchen Everywhere called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now. It's out. Do it please,