What’s your zodiac sign, political affiliation...and your credit score?

when dating someone to ask their political party affiliation. Dead As I wouldn't think about it. Well, dead ass, we never would have gotten married if I told my mother that you were Republican but I'm not. But it's funny you say that like that. But dead As my mother was not having it. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. I make you need derby most days. Wow.

Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial, married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. When we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Phillow's off to a

whole new level. Dead ask starts now. So no, we've told you guys a little the backstory of how Deval and I met. You know, how is a young whit behind the ears, eighteen year old girl and you know, just madly, madly, potentially madly in love with this guy here, potentially potentially madly in love. There was a prospect there, you know, I saw him growing into his head and whatnot. So I said, you know what, I'm going to try to find this guy's phone number. Couldn't find his phone number.

Went to the white pages and I went and put in his last name, and I found his dad's phone number, the house phone number, his name and everything. Right, strange strange person. Yes, So I did all that, and h called the house phone and spoke to his mom and she was the sweetest, sweetest person on the phone. Oh, my goodness, Cadine, it's so good to to hear from you. We had such a great time at that banquet. Oh my goodness, I have a perfect picture of you and

de Val and stuff. So I got Devo's phone number, his cell phone number from his mom and we had a great conversation on the phone that day. Fast forward to Deval and I actually, you know, seeing each other hanging out a couple of times, I guess, you know, it was time for me to go to the house and meet the family. You know me Mama again that go to how you knew you look good? Like okay, okay.

So you know, it was very off putting because you know, the phone conversation that we had initially, like I said, my mother in law was sweet as pie. And we got to the house and everyone sat down, and you know, I was offered a drink and I went into the kitchen and sat with his mom and she's like, so Codeine, I'm like, yeah, what's up, Mrs Zealous, you know, and she's just like, what church do you remember at m And I was like, uh, remember, I mean my family

goes to x y Z church. And she's like, oh, and she has a little pepsi and she's like, you know, the straws in the cup, and she's like swirling it around and I can hear her ice and I could literally hear like all of the bubbles from that carbonated soda popping. Because then it got really really awkward and weird. And she's just like, Okay, in your your what eighteen? I said, yeah, I'm I'm a teen. My birthdays in December, I'll be nineteen. And she's like, oh, okay, so you

couldn't vote in the last election. Are you registered to vote? That's my mother. My mama used to say, take your time, young man. My mom used to say, don't you rush to get up. My mommy used to say, take it in your stride. My mommer used to say, live your life. Shout out, Karen Alice. I love that. I was about to say, didn't have to have that, you gott If you don't say it like that, then you don't really

want to sing the song. So clearly you've grown up on this song, because I don't know what the song is. I don't think i've ever heard it. No, that's this is part of you being you know, Caribbean, West Indian and this is part of me being American, and you know what with it? Have you ever heard this song before? So if your parents grew up in this country, I guarantee you would have heard your song a barbecue period period you would have heard You're right, So what my

barbecue and got provoked? No, it didn't get revoked. But you listen to different songs like I walk into your house. Not here nine alone can quench this act. And I didn't hear that I started dating. It's very true, but let's not deflect off the fact that my mom my, mom, oh, let me not, let me not go. It's more like the gatekeeper. You don't disrespect. I have to call caron gun bust up here playing about babies. So in my story I talked about mom being like the gatekeeper of

their children, which I can completely agree with. That's me, that's I would do the same thing for my boys. Um, you know. And we talked about politics religion, So that brought us to start talking about today. You know what topics are taboo or no longer taboo for us millennials. And given the culture right now, what are the things that people talk about and don't talk about? What's on the table, what's off the table? Well, the funny thing

is some are taboo and some aren't taboo. And the way we the reason why we came up with this was because you know, our parents, you know, come out to visit us, and it just happened that our brother and sister brought home their significant others and to meet the parents, and me watching the dynamic of how it works just reminds me of me going through it and then your parents, because we're both kind of far removed

from the dating scene, very far. So there's certain things around dating that we don't necessarily we're not savvy to anymore. And it's funny because when it doesn't matter if your brother or your sister or my brother or my sister bring home a significant other, it seems like the dad's are laid back, Oh, it's nice to meet you, blah blah blah. The mom's going to a different type of mode and they start asking questions, you know, just like my mom asked you what church family are you a

part of? You know? Did you vote? You know? And that made me think about something because it's something you said in the very beginning, especially speaking with politics, you said, um, I said if you were a Republican, my mother wouldn't let me marry you. And you was just like, well, I'm not. And it just made me laugh because it's like black people were being a Democrat as a badge of honor. You're right, And I don't understand why I got friends. I got friends who would hear someone else

who's black as a Republican. Yeah, and they would be like, they're like, oh, the Republican, bro, you're a Democrat but you don't even know who's running in the Democratic Party. But you're just probably labeling ourselves a Democrat. But we don't understand what's going on with the Democratic Party per se. We don't know what's going on with any party. And what its flabbergasting to me is that we judge people.

So I have a question for you. You're a single millennial hypothetically because you're not all right, and you meet a guy, tall, dark, handsome, bearded up, makes good money, you know, makes good money, alright, great in bed and is a maga hat Is that a deal breaker for you? Yes? Yes, that would have to be a deal breaker for me, and not because um, I would say it's not a deal breaker for me because of the simple fact that

he himself may be a Republican. But I think about even some of our friends who who's who's salaries may put them in the tax bracket to be a Republican, right, so they may side with Republicans. However, you have to think about how everyone else around you is affected by that. And I feel like maybe this young man who seems to be the perfect makeup, you know, may not be in touch with his people or the people around him and how they're being affected by that. That's why, you know,

That's why it's important. Because Kadine and I we have a list of five things here that we think it's very important for people to talk about when dating that are taboo, and we're gonna start with politics, but we're gonna go down the list. Right. Politics is very important because who you vote for and what political party you are affiliated with often describes and points you in a position for your moral compass, right, And I learned this

growing up. I remember when I was I called my mother Angela Davis, all right, mama, Oh she's missing is the Afro. She grew up in a time where she was the first class to be integrated into James Madison High School and also Marine Park, so she had to deal with racism or whole life, especially getting her education. And um, she's always made me feel proud to be black. And part of being black was also voting, especially in local elections. Not so much you know, always the you know,

you gotta be who's the president. Everyone cares about who's the president, but you have to be involved with local elections. You have a better chance of affecting and influencing your government, feeling that change that you're does desiring by having that hand in the um the community. Right. Absolutely, so for me it was like being aware of politically means a lot, right. And I was always like Democrat, Democrat, Democrat because that's what I grew up, That's what I was born as

a Democrat. Then we make it to the NFL, the two of us, and you start making a ton of money and you realize that they tax you at and then you start hearing the murmurs of well, this is what the Republican Party is fighting for. They want, you know, greater tax breaks for people who make a lot more money. And then you start to realize that you start to feel like Dan if I was a Republican, I can get more tax breaks, but then you start to think about how many people around you aren't in that tax

bracket and what else comes with that party. You know what I'm saying, you think about criminal justice reforms because it's not all I'm sorry, it's not all about the money or the salary, right, and who's going to jail and exactly under this party? Right, So you know, you're making more money or you get some tax breaks, but how many people that look like you are going to be masterly in cars race so you're never attempted at any point, like you know, when you were making that

kind of money. NFL days to be like, man, I should really vote for somebody who's going to protect the best interests of my wealth so that way I can then help to build this legacy for my future children that you know, I aspire to have full, full transparency. Um. When I turned sixteen, I believe it was the two thousand election, which was Bush. Then two thousand and four

I believe was Bush again. He became re elected Bush again, Right, So I kind of felt like, just you know, know know, when my mom understanding a little bit about politics, was that, you know, we're in New York. New York's the blue state, They're typically going to be democratic. I didn't feel the pressure of of voting as much then two thousand and eight was Obama. I don't care what it was. I was voting for Obama. You know, it was just it was what it was, like, that's just what it was.

And then more recently and the recent election just really would hit me like, dang, am I gonna go for Democrat or Republican? Am I going to go Trump? Who speaking about economics? Or am I gonna go with Hillary Clin? You know? And to be I did not know which

of those two to pick from. I really didn't. You know, you think about the history of the party and you want to vote with the history of the party, But then you actually think about the candidate and you think about being called super predators, and you think about how mass and carceration grew during the Clinton era, and then it's like, oh, yeah, never forget that, you know it kind of it kind of makes you wonder in question.

But then that made me realize about millennials, right, you know, how many millennials like discuss politics when that was taboo at one point, you know, I will be the first one to admit that politics talk, even just right now, kind of makes me feel a little some kind of way because it's something that I never really grew up around.

For example, I say that, you know, politics for you was a major thing in your family, like your mom always instill she'll text us and remind us to go out and vote because we get in the group text, don't forget to go out and vote. To that. In my household, it wasn't really a thing. It was like, Okay, well there's a presidential election, we're registered to vote, We'll go vote. And that was really it. It was not ingrained in me at a young age the importance of

politics and my void in it. Um. And it's funny because I don't feel like I mean me particularly, I don't speak to Jackson as much about politics. Um, do you have your moments when you have your talks with him? Because okay, you do. At least one of us is covering it. Because I said, my I don't know. I for sure don't talk much about politics with Jackson, But he doesn't need to know the history of where he

comes from and how he got here. This last presidential election was I opening for everyone because there were so many people and Hillary Clinton was polling to just win in a landslide and she lost. And I remember Jackson came home to me and said that so many people that his school was upset. Yes, a lot of people. And I had to have this conversation at the time. And he was six at the time or five at

the time, but he was asking questions. So I can't, you know, eloquently articulate to a five year old what happened. But I can, you know, I can speak to him about what happens in elections and stuff. But um, for me, I think speaking about politics to your significant other is important because you can get an idea about someone's moral compass.

You know, you don't want to give an example. Um, some of my my white counterparts they're married as well, and they'll say to me that me and my wife don't discuss politics or who we're voting for, what political party exist in our household their significant other. So it's not a wife. So it's not even like, oh, I'm gonna unfriend this person on Facebook because they posted some

wild comment about something that I didn't agree with. Because there will be some Facebook wars okay, because putting out these these status updates that people don't agree with, and it's like words listen, I thought, such as such, what's cool? Sarah ain't cool, y'all. I'm about to unfriend her because of what she said about this current election, you know election climate. Yes, because because politics is very triggering for

some people and very polarizing. So I see people who lose friends and defund people because they discussed politics on Facebook when it comes to dating. Like one of my my buddies, he says, him and his wife, they've been married for seven years. They've never discussed any election, who they're voting for, other political party, So every period in secret. And I think that's a that's a cultural thing because you know, he's white. His friends or white, they all

agree on that they don't do that. And I'm like, in in the black community, that's not like in my household, we we had no secrets in my house. You can't even close the door, my mother, you know, we're going to talk about this. And he had privacy in this house growing up. So I feel like culturally he grew up with privacy thinking this is my information, I can keep it or Ultimately, maybe politics don't matter to some people.

Maybe in their moral compass that you spoke of, maybe politics is just not one of those points in there. No that gotta matter. I would like to know if my wife is donating money to a political party that you know, like like for example, I mean, well, yeah, because we are us and you just said your white

counterparts don't do that. I just feel like politics has to be discussed if we talk about if we're talking about taboo things that need to be discussed during relationships or during the dating process, politics has to be one. Now when you discuss it is up for debate. But you must discussed politics before you get mad. So the question is are you going to be as forward as my mother in law was second meet up and be like,

so who are you affiliated with? Are you gonna wait till we get into the thicker things when you're already mesmerized, you know, by this person, and it's just like, damn, this person is an opposing party, right and it's and so that would be a deal breaker for you. If someone just came in and just had on make American grade again, her brother, you are this is above me. So KOFE from Brown sugar, because you know that's your bay, right, that's your bay from Brown. Don't get Kofee funked up

on you. It's gone. If I see Kofief ahead, I'm a shave his beard listening with you. But um, okay, so we got politics. Number two. Religion. My mom also asked you. She also asked She also, am I remember I'm not even like a church did you go to? Intermittently She's like, where you remember at? Where are you tiving at? And I was like, well, my family, uh, I was raised. But do you understand why that's important to her? No? Absolutely, I think even more than politics.

I feel like religion, when you talk about that moral compass, has more of an impact, you know, on things that are greater than you. So you want to really thought, you want to talk about you know, what you believe in, you know how we all got here. Those are conversations

that I'm sure come up for for people within relationships. Again, it may not happen right away, but may not happen right away, but that's something that for sure has to happen at some point because then it becomes a thing where you know, um practices are involved, traditions, are involved holidays, become involved, you know children, how we're gonna raise our potential children if you decide are they going to be you know, Muslim, Are they gonna be Chritian? Are they

gonna be Jewish? You just never know that has to be talked about. You were born and raised seven day events. I was born and raised seven days. Yes, so sunset Friday to sunset Saturday is what I was raised. Um. And when I say what I was raised doing, it was by way of my grandmother, my mom's mom, you know, my uncle's the seven Day Events is Pastor Town of Florida.

So you know I was. My mom wasn't really going with us, but I know that she felt as if it was important for me to have you know, religion or some sort of religious education in my life. Um. She never pushed that on me, and I think that's why she was kind of absent in that process. She had my grandmother taking me so I can be exposed to it and I can know about God and about you know, the story and the Bible. You weren't allowed to wear or makeup right going to church? Right, And

I remember one I well, I went. I remember one time in particular that I felt like a heathen because I went to church just when I was a little bit older. Um, I went to church with my grandmother in Brooklyn. I won't say the name of the church, but uh, you know, I had on like a nice little like kind of like a blazer jacket with a skirt. Um. It was a little fitted, you know what I mean, because I like my stuff tailored to me. Um, I was sure showing the don't church. You were showing off

the don't in the church. Let's just say that I had a nicely tailored suit on which I thought I was going in fairly modest, you know, had on some flesh tone nude shoes, the flesh tone nud shoes, UM, a little bit of makeup. I had some stun airrings in my air that I forgot to take off because I went out of respect not wear airrings to church or jewelry to church. And I remember sitting in the pew next to my mom, who was dressed similarly to me, and then the pastor kind of just like darting at you.

And I don't know if it's the thing where you feel like when you don't go to church for a long time that everybody's looking at you, like, oh, she showed up today. You know, you feel like everyone's looking at you. But I remember the pastor like I feel like he was just looking at us the entire time. And then his sermon, you know, he put the whole thing out there where he's like, I'm gonna go off topic because off because you know, the spirits leading me

to talk about this spirit. The spirit led him to then talk about Jezebel and how she played a role in whatever society she was in. And I was just like, is this man trying to talk to me? Is he implying that because I'm wearing, you know, a nicely tailored suit and a little makeup in some areas, that Jezebel has entered the building? So I did. I grew up

Baptist and similar story. You know. I know women feel judged often, but my brother and I felt judged because we got tattoos, and we often felt judged in church. I had an aarring, I used to wear braids, tattoos, so we often felt judged. So you grew up celebrating the Sabbath on this on the Saturday. We celebrate on the Sunday, and I remember your aunt saying to you while he goes the Sabbath on the wrong day. That's

another thing too. Yeah, one of my aunts had the nerve to look at me be like, oh my goodness, he's such a nice guy, but he goes to church on the wrong day. Like what I mean, listen, I don't, I don't not people's religious beliefs. You know what's funny, you and I? You and I raised our children differently. We didn't choose. We talked about this when I when I asked her what she because it was big in my upbringing and it was being her. So I said, what are we going to do with with our children?

Which what day are you and I are going to attend church? And um, I was a little blessed to get some reprieve if you want to call it a reprieve, because we actually played games on Saturday, so we couldn't

go on a Saturday and on Sundays. To be perfectly honest, I just didn't feel a go because I felt so judged at times, and I felt like my girlfriend the time would be judged because you know, you didn't always dressed You dressed modestly, but you know, you're curvy, you know when you're cute, and I felt like you're always gonna get judged. I was like, you know what, let's just not go and we we tried. We found out

with spirituality on our own. But that leads us to what we were discussing, which is when you're meeting people, discussed religious beliefs and what days you celebrate the Sabbath are extremely important because that can be a deal breaker style situation that's going to have to occur to because what if, you know, if I was so deeply rooted in the Seven day Adventist religion or denomination I should say and I could not and would not and was not willing to miss the Sabbath or not adhere to

the rules of the Sabbath, we wouldn't work. We wouldn't work at all because Friday Saturdays were your games. You know, you like to go out on the weekends, which those are things that would not work for us in our relationship, which I will admit though, if you're strong in your religious beliefs and that's a deal breaker for you, agree with that because if that brings you peace and keeps you centered in your daily walk for greatness. Don't compromise.

Don't compromise that, don't compromise. But that's why you have to have that conversation super early. You definitely have to have that conversation, which brings me to the third point, which is one of my favorite points. You know, I like to talk about credit. Oh is that a favorite point now? Credit? No, it is a favorite point because finances are huge for us, and people don't you know

how many people don't think about getting married? And then say to myself, like, I know how many messages I get I got married, I married my wife, I married my husband, and then I just found out that, you know, he has sixty in credit card debt or his credit scores under five hundred. And I'm like, yo, y'all didn't discuss finances before you all got married. But let's be honest, I didn't talk about We didn't talk We didn't talk about it either. That was a huge riff for us

in the very beginning of the first three years. Not credit per se, but I mean, shoot, that was a big reference like last week. It wasn't last week, you know, understanding credit number one sharing And that's why they have people who specialize in like credit repair and like courses on this stuff, because it's not easy, nor is it for the thing at heart, but it's something that's super super nectity necessary because then you talk about what credit

gets you. Credit gets you loans, and credit gets you a car, and it gets you a home, and these are things that if it's within your plan for five years or ten years individually or with someone, it has to be hashed out. You have to be evenly yoked. Going back to religion credit wise, because we talked about moral compass right and walking together. If you're two people walking together in one walk, your credit can show you

your your significant others financial moral compass. It's like, did you really think that that was important to putting your credit card? Like I don't think you had to pay that bill on tong because I feel like sometimes that he's like walking down Wall Street like do do do do? And I'm back on like Jerome and stutter in Brooklyn in the hod with my Shinces Blyn thew there love'. But I'm just saying it is what it is, and that's something that we struggle with very early on. Yes

we did, we did. It was it was a growth thing and now it becomes a thing where even with finances, it requires some consulting. So it's not even like a tip for tad or I'm asking for permission to purchase something or to do something. But you really have to now know that it's not just you that's being affected, it's somebody else being affected. And then now we're trying to make plans together to progress, and you know how does that work out? So we got religion, we got politics,

we got credit. We did a whole thing on a budget, Nesta, We're going to have the budget Neista back to talk about credit and financial repair for two people. Um, because you know that's that's a that's a whole podcast in itself. But this one is well is another story. Was there's another d M that we get all the time. Wanting children should be discussed early in relationship. It's wanting or

not wanting. Because I feel like there's a shift now where I'm seeing a lot more millennials, people my age and even younger saying that they don't want children, and for various reasons. I met a young lady recently at a conference and she said she wanted children her entire life, but the way she sees the world right now and

the way she is as a person. She feels like her heart literally can't take having a child and attempting to raise a child in an environment and in a world like this where there's so much unknown and they're so much changing, and there's so much that she doesn't agree with that's happening that she's just like, I changed

my mind. So imagine if she was in a relationship with somebody that you know, Okay, we're gonna have children, and then all of a sudden she's just like, you know what, on second thought, I'm not with this whole kid thing. You know. You know it's funny. Um, we as black people often go into relationships assuming things about other black people just because they're black. For example, you meet a black person, you automatically assume they go to church.

God forbid of black person, say the atheist or they your spiritual and they don't go to church. It's like, oh my god, you're not really black. They assume that you're democrat, you know what I'm saying, a lot of times they assume that your credit is sucked up. It's just how it is, like, that's that's how, That's how we are as people, we assume that everyone we meet want to have kids. If you go into a relationship, oh,

if we're dating with purpose, we're dating. And that becomes a very sensitive topic for some people too, because with us, it's like, okay, y'all date, and when you'll getting engaged, Oh, you're engaged, when you getting married? Oh you're married when you're having kids. What if they don't want to have kids right away? What if someone's trying to have kids

and they're having problems conceiving. You never know someone's story and what they're going through behind the scenes, and you have to be very particular and very sensitive about things like that. But as long as you and the person are on the same accord or you're speaking about it openly, I think in the very beginning, we know because children are life changing, they're here forever. But my thing is

when when is it's not convenient? But when is it an okay time to say to a woman you're dating, hey, are you interested in having children? Because I feel like some women would take offense to that. It's just just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I want to have children. You know, you know, they don't ask the men that they always ask women, when are you settling down to

have kids? When is it okay to say that to a woman when you're dating, and just you know be like, hey, you know, well, I guess it first would have to be if you're taking each other seriously, right, I would assume it's a conversation that would happen a couple maybe a couple of dates, and when you're feeling each other and stuff, or if you feel like this is something that could potentially go somewhere. But I also think too, as a woman, you kind of have to expect that

and not take everything so sensitively. I feel like we're in a time where a lot of people take things like supersensitive off the bat, and it can just be a genuine question that someone is asking, or a man will be asking, like, you know, hey, do you see yourself having children one day? You know, it's all about the way it's posed, and I think the timing that it comes up or the environment that it comes up in. You know that it's not just maybe an interrogation, but

you know it's something worth speaking about. And I think women should be open to, you know, saying how they really feel at that point. So what it would it be okay for if a dude, say, for example, hypothetical you're dating and you say you don't want to have kids. If a dude continues to date you knowing that since you don't want to have kids, you don't see something long term and date someone else. You mean, so if he dates someone else because he's like, you know what,

she doesn't want children. So I'm just gonna go, yeah, like what if what if he just would respect that? Because then what's the sense in holding onto somebody if you feel like I think, what's worse what happen is if he knows he really wants children and he feels like maybe I could win her over, or maybe her thoughts will change, or maybe maybe something you would take

more kind of romance her into having it. Yeah, I would take more offense to that than being upfront of him saying you know what, I don't think that you know, we're going to align on certain things for our lives path this is something I'm expecting or something I want out of life, and so that I'm not robbed of that, I feel like we should go our separate ways. I

think that's a mature way to handle it. Wow, that's just that's uh, because deeper into this thing, you know, and then it may be a thing where then you know, in the process of them really feeling each other, that is the deal breaker. And then she ultimately feels like, you know what, maybe I should just give him a baby because she feels guilty. You know, you don't want have a guilt baby. Don't have a guilt baby. But if you start having this resentment and then you're just

like this damn baby. Every time this baby comes around, it's like a thing, and it's like you're gonna have resentment. But that's that's just tough. Though. You meet a woman that you're vibe with and and everything is in alignment and everything that we talked about politics, finances, religion and everything, and then it comes down to children and she just says no, and then you just cut it, like I

feel like that would be harsh maybe, you know. And that's why I wouldn't say you try to romance into wanting to have a child. But it's like everything is going so well, you want to have that. Where is the compromise if you want to have you don't want to have children, and he wants to have children. Where is the compromising that I mean, I feel like there's something you don't have to compromise on if you're not with the person you know, like you're not married, or

there's like an attachment to that person per se. If it's just an emotional attachment, then I say something that should be broken off earlier on. You don't you don't meet people, you don't meet soul mates too often, you don't mean. I mean, if you was trying to romance meant having a baby, and I was like, no, I don't really want kids, but that that wants one, maybe we can compromise on one and not four. I've been romancing you to have another baby since last year. Facts, facts,

but the compromises you've got three, not four. But I don't have no girls anyway. That brings me to our fifth topic, taboo mental health, because that's crazy. That was the perfect segue. Mental health matters. I like that, Like that, Like, yeah, so mental health matters talking about you know, things that can be genetic that run in the family, how you've been feeling lately. Where do you think mental health runs

in this whole area of taboo talks? It's it's sad because we put mental health as fivestically it should have been number one exactly talk about your head. But I think we're getting Let me say something to you too. You you mentioned my head today, alright. You started your story off said that you was wet behind the ears, and then you said, I want to see if you grew into your head. I'm just saying you like you. I don't know where you're going with that story early.

It took it took a couple of sentences. But anyway, mental health, I told as we discover it more as a people, how important mental health is. When you meet people, it's important to know what things lie in their past family members, moms, dad's um, depression, schizophrenia. There are so many things that are actually mental health issues. That's not

just oh he crazy, she crazy. If you knew that this person was dealing with a serious issue or chemical that has been diagnosed and that they may be taking medication for, there's a family history of very important, your grandma very important. You know, just knowing that something that potentially runs in your family, you know it's UM. It's something that's super very serious, and I would I would put this at at number one like I would. Man, Man,

you're trying to meet somebody. Mental health is so important. You don't want to fall in love with somebody. Meet somebody, you get everything and going, and then you find out that they have mental health issues. Because some people don't realize they have mental health issues. They walk around as a functioning adult and they don't realize it that that

something is seriously wrong. You know. Um, Depression is big in this country, and people can't figure out if it's social media, if it's medication, and there's so many different factors. I feel like that can contribute to mental health mental

health issues. And like you said, sometimes people won't walk aroun fully functioning not knowing that you know, or we tend to diagnose people like oh, you know such as such, he's bipolar because one minute he feels and you throw it out easily, not knowing that it's something that's that's the actual legitimate um, you know, illness that needs to have attention um. And I think sometimes those are things that are triggered for different reasons throughout life. UM. Like

I said, some things are genetic. So just even knowing family history, family health, so outside of mental health, just histories of different things that run in families, you know. I mean that was the point of us we found out about the sickle cell trade, yes, you know, because I had no you had the trade, I had the sickle sell I don't have the trade. And what we found out is if you have the trade and I

have the trade, then now our kids have a high chance. Yeah, they have a fifty percent chance of having the sickle cell trade. And that's something that I didn't know because my mom neglected to tell me that. So in dating, you know, it wasn't something that I sat down and asked someone like, hey, there we go back to the zodiac and a favorite color, what's your credit score? And do you have the sickle cell trade? You know, And

it wasn't. It wasn't up there exactly. And and me being kind of upfront, forward person, it's something that I probably feel like I would bring up earlier, like if I was dating now with the intent to have children one day, I think it's something worth discussing and even said to like my siblings, you know, make sure you ask your doctor next time if you have to, because they may not have the trait. You know, my mom passed it to me and then I passed the to

two of our sons. So you know, my brother and sister may or may not have the trade. But now that they're of age where they're dating and they're dating seriously, it's important to know um. And those are things that you know when you can control it and you know ahead of time, all the better. Some things are mental health issues that are triggered by various things throughout life. Well, it's funny. It's funny you said trigger, because that's why

it's important to talk about it through relationships. Many mental health issues are triggered through relationships. Something happens at work. You see a lot of the violence and things that go on, you know in America, it happens in the workplace, or happens in school. A lot of these people are diagnosed with mental health health issues that were triggered by

something that was happened daily. So now you're meeting someone and you're dating, and you're spending a lot of time with this person, it's important to know if they have these issues, and if there's anything you're doing that could trigger their issues. Looking for signs, but also knowing their past, because if you know that someone has a mental health issue that is triggered by a behavior, and you love this person, you don't necessarily have to run from them

at this point. Now you can understand what behavior is trigger that person and help navigate that person and yourself so that person can be a functioning adult. You know, it's not something you just run from. When you hear mental health issue, you make a decision if this is someone I want to spend my life with and walk with them that we can navigate this together together for sure.

And and it's very important with triggers because even the violence, you're here in relationships where a young man or a young woman takes their own life and the life of a child, and the life of their significant other and a child. I was just showing you on the news, Um, there's a young girl, a five year old, her father walking her to school like normal, was on the platform them out and I think the bronx in the bronx and then he jumped in front of the train and

thank god that baby survived. That you walked away with with minor scratching scratch, but he passed away. He did, he did. He lost his life and he was dealing

apparently with depression. Was on and off medication for a long time, his wife said, and you never know, you know, you hear he listened to this saying, remember this, the saying tears of a clown, And what tears of a clown talks about is you know how some of the most funniest people in your life, some of the happiest people in your life, they're always wearing a mask, mask off,

mask on, mask off, mask on. They're wearing a mask underneath that mask of smiles and happiness a lot of times or tears that they're hiding from the rest of the world, and they're only willing to share with people that they trust. So if you're dating someone and you become that person's trust, it's important for you to know when that person is taking the mask off and who they are when they're not in front of their friends always joking, because that as you always here, I never

knew this person was always laughing and joking. And Rob Williams, for example, one of the most funniest men ever in the history of comedy and films, took his own life and also providing that safe space for them to feel comfortable.

Absolutely absolutely, you know, sometimes you laugh, we laugh or joke about mental health and people just being crazy, but that can then deter people from feeling like they can confide in you, or having a safe space for people to speak and open up about things that are bothering them. You know so well, you will give me a safe space. Baby,

I feel safe. I feel I do. But I have to come home and I just be, you know, being in a space where I just need my baby sometimes and I need you to let me cry on your shoulder and let me let it out and it's okay. Like I feel comfortable, you know, as a man, as a very masculine, alpha male, saying, sometimes I go home and when i'm when I'm off and my mask is off, I can cry on my cake, you know, I can cry, and said, baby, I just want to do this. I remember I used to cry to you all the time.

This is God's on the shoes. I used to be in the house and she's like, what's the matter with you? And I'm like, I just want to act. Man, I just wanted the TV. I didn't want to play football, I didn't want to train people. I just want to act do TV. And I would and he would be upset because theo was a person that if he wants it like right now, he's gonna try to get it right now, like he doesn't want to do the whole like we'll get it someday. Thing. He's like, how can

I make this happen now? And I had to explain to him like, hey, this is great. You're doing everything in your power, but you have to wait until the time is right you. It's not gonna happen overnight like that for you. And you kept at it though, because those in those week moments you gave me the power two I could release that what I'm saying, I could release that, and then I could I could refuel, go back out and stay at it for what I'm saying. And I think that we've both developed, um, you know

us again talking about the taboo topics. We've developed a safe space for us to openly speak about all of these things that were once taboo that are no longer taboo. And I feel like this is starting to kind of trickle off onto our families now where you know our parents, and know my parents particularly who are not very vocal, which I've said before about random things and speaking and

communication and saying how they feel. We are now, I feel like allowing for dialogue to transpire in our household and then paving the way for our siblings, you know, to then feel comfortable bringing other people around and openly speaking about how we feel. So that eliminates so much of the unknown and the guessing and the wondering and at tiptoeing, and ain't nobody had time for that? No

more like this stuff to get done. If we can be as direct as possible without hurting anyone's feelings, being respectful, and creating again the safe space for people to feel like they can speak about these things, why the hell not? And absolutely and most importantly creating a safe space for our children, absolutely, because yeah, and we want them to

be able to see that. You know. I feel like back in the day when I used to my mom and her sisters and my grandmother and grandfather, they used to have these little hawcuses in the basement and everything was very secretive, and you know, we didn't know what they were talking about, and I would try to go to the stairways to like listen to what they're saying, just being nosy. But now I feel like Jackson and Kyron Kaz can see us openly sitting down having dialogue

with each other. They can see us not arguing or bickering, but disagreeing but respectfully, you know. And they, as three young black men, will ultimately have that dialogue with the women they date and they build families with which leads us back to the five things that Codeine and I feel that you should speak to people about when you date. We're gonna go all these five, write these down. We

got religion, politics, credit, wanting children, and mental health. And if you don't have a pit bull, if you don't have a pit bull like my mom and her mom, you know, because women are the gatekeepers in our families. The women, the moms are the gay people's. If you don't have a pit bull, you can be the pit bull yourself and have these conversations with the people you're dating.

You know what. I laugh about the mom's being the pit bulls because sometimes it's the dad's the kind of infuse what they're thinking, and then the mom's come across with the pit bulls. Because my father sure be having questions, but he don't want to ask directly, so he'll say to my mom, I wonder what x y Z is happening, and then my mom will be the pit bull. It's all right, I got you back. Your father is not the peple. Your father is not a pit bull. He's

not even a though. He's not a chill woman. Your father, your father, your father just be chilling. He's like probably the most chill person out of the entire family. We're gonna take a quick break. We're gonna get into some listening letters when we give absolutely and some ads. First, definitely got to pay some bills. Got to pay some bills and get to these ads, and then listen to letters when we get back. Stay tuned. This for the record.

There it is. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons and his story it comes to many chapters. I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the return to glory. This is All American, a new series from Stitcher, hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Wis doesn't know who he is best in the history of golf, no question in

my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, What if it's been completely wrong. All American Tiger is out now. Listen in Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. All right now, So our mailboxes have been flooded and we've been trying to get through all these listener letters. So let's dive right into the first one for today's episode. I met an amazing guy who loves me so much.

He's been hurt in the past, and honestly, so have I, but he has some sort of PTSD from it. He's accused me of looking at his debit card pin when I just was staring into space. He accused me of cheating multiple times by asking why he's seen sheets in my dryer A few times he's asked me. He's accused me of taking and hiding his things when he cannot

find them when we talk about it. He thinks I'm inconsiderate of his feelings, and I think he's wrong for accusing me of things when he swears up and down that he trusts me. It's very confusing and it leads to plenty of arguments. Please help. I don't think I sorry. I don't think I should listen to his accusations because I've been supporting him and more than faithful and loving to him. I know these are his issues and I'm getting hit with the process. He wants forever, but I

can't deal with this forever. I need a relationship with trust. I've never given him a reason to not trust. What to do? What should I say? Damn, I'm sorry to hear that. So the PTSD that he's experiencing, I'm wondering isn't just from I guess past relationships I'm assuming, or maybe he's grown up around it could have been something that he witnessed, you know, with his family, you know,

mother father relationship. I'm not sure what his relationship is. UM. I wonder if you guys seek any kind of counseling or therapy, because sometimes, you know, Devaline have never actually gone to a therapist per se, because we've been super open about talking and I feel like we've been able to navigate some of our problems. UM. But that's because we never really have guards up and we don't take things too personally, nor do we get defensive at times.

But but I do think that we both had a stigma about therapy early on, and had we gone to therapy, we would have gotten through our problems with faster faster

for sure. And the reason I asked that is because or say that rather, it is because as you know, him constantly feeling like you're you're not considering his feelings or maybe getting defensive about it whenever you bring up the topic of conversation, maybe it requires an outside source to help kind of circumvent that and navigate the issues. You know, um, it may require more than just the two of you speaking about it, because he may not

even think that he has an issue, you know. I mean most of the time when when people, whether they have PTSD or not from past relationships or things in the past, when how you discuss your issues often shows you if you're going to get over it. He could be right and you could be right, but if y'all discuss it in the wrong fashion, you're never going to

get to the root of the problem. So that's why I think that therapy or a mediator can help, because if he gets, if she gets, if he feels that she's defensive when she's trying to explain to him her truth, she's never going to be able to get her truth across, which means he's just going to continue to build his own narrative, in his own truth about what's going on, and things are going to get worse. He's going to have to hear from someone independent of you about what

he's really going through. He's going to have to unpack that on his own before he comes to you with another issue. The only way he could do that is through therapy or through a mediator. For sure. The therapist. I saw a therapist and I did not know the valencing a therapist, And at first I felt some kind of way about it because I was like, how do you mean you were like? First of all, I was like, where did you tell me you were at when you

were at a therapist? That was the first thing. Then secondly I was just like, well, why couldn't you talk to me about it? Why did you have to see a therapist? Because one, I didn't want you to feel as if you were the reason that I needed to go see a therapist, which I understood. I felt like if I told you that you would take that on knowing you would take the one like, oh my god. I needed to find out what was going on within me. So in order to do that, I had to do

something for me. It had nothing to do it wasn't about me, it wasn't about you, which I had a hard time dealing with that first because I felt like you should have been able to at least tell me you were going to see a therapist, which is actuly

why I didn't want to say anything. And I think it's okay for people to sometimes in life, because this is my life, even though we're sharing it together, make decisions about my life that's gonna better me so I can be a better version of myself for you, absolutely, you know. And because we also talked about not relying on somebody else to be the sole source of your happiness,

eis exactly. And if that's the case, he needed to look for some way, you know, some other outside source to help him realize why he wasn't happy with himself and that had nothing to do with me. And that's something that I had to realize and stop being so selfish and you know, making it about me when it really wasn't about me. So maybe encourage him if he's

open to it. Um, you know, see if you know, you guys can speak with someone about this topic and stuff, because I'm sure that's super uncomfortable living like that, like even the debit cardpin. It's like, seriously, see all of all of this stuff, all all the stuff that she's saying that he's accusing her of that don't matter. What really matters that he has some issues he needs to unpack. And the way they're discussing is discussing this is not a way that they can seek resolution. That's what was

going on with us before. I why my therapist every time we spoke, I used to say, to continue, you get so defensive, You get so defensive, to the point where I stopped talking to her because I didn't want to hear her defend why she did something that hurt me. And to me, I wasn't being defensive. I was just explaining to you why I felt the way I felt, or why I did a particular act. I feel like if I do something, or if I say something, I should be able to explain to you how I arrived there.

And if I wasn't trying to hear that, he just wasn't labeled me defensive, and that bothered me, and it still kind of bothers me now when I hear it, because it makes me a little excited. But I'm just like, you know, I want you. I want to explain the full picture here, not just you know, the ending of the story. How did I arrive at this story ending? What I learned through therapy was that the way I feel and how I feel, it's all on me. Her telling me why she did what she did is not

defending herself. It's just her giving her truth. How I received her truth is not up to her, that's up to me. I learned that in therapy I had to work on how I received her truth. If I'm only willing to receive her truth as defense, I'm never gonna hear what her truth is. And that's what these guys are going through. You guys, I think you should see therapy, whether it's him by himself or as you together. I think that he definitely needs to speak to a professional

about what he's going through. This way they can learn how to discuss Because Kenia, right now, I don't go to therapists anymore, but now I know how to deal with what she's telling me, and she knows how to take what It doesn't have to be a long term thing, but it can be just a couple of sessions in just to kind of unpack certain things and our culture is not is not very kind to or open to

the idea of therapy. They think it's you know, sharing your problems and talking and showing a sign of weakness. I wasn't totally be the opposite. I thought it was a waste of money. I thought it. I thought it was I thought it was just you know a thing that quote unquote white people do. White people go in therapy. I don't need therapy. I'm strong, like I'm a man. You know, just what I do, I'll deal with it.

But when I got to the point where I couldn't deal with it, and the worst was when I did not want to come home and I had to choose between not seeing my kids and being out or being home seeing my kids and dealing with the issues we had. At that point, it was like, you know what, I gotta I gotta try something new because if it if it means that I'm missing time with my boys because I'm out just trying to, you know, get away from what we're dealing with, that's not good for them. So

for sure, aren't good luck to y'all. Question number two, what do you do if there is no intimacy? I try to send nice little text messages, do little nice things, but it seems like he is clueless. I know he loves me, but he doesn't show love. He is not romantic at all. I tried talking to him, but I sound like a broken record. If we sleep with each other, I always have to start it. I'm very upset. I want to feel like I wanted. I also ask him is it me, and he claims that it's not me,

He's just tired. I see he gives other females compliments and say nice things to others, but not me. What should I do? This is coming from a woman so pretty much she feels as if she's not getting the attention and the intimacy from her husband. Wow. I wonder what her guts telling her, because you know, we always talked about female gut in her intuition, and I'm like, what is her her gut telling her? She's telling her that maybe he's you know, eyes are roaming, or his

legs are walking elsewhere or not, you know. And it's it's a hard thing to not be desired. I think it's not just a man, it's not just a woman thing. It can be a person thing that the want or the desire to feel like you're wanted and you're attracted to or someone is attracted to you. Um so that's rough. That's rough. Um well, I don't know, as a man, what do you think about because as a woman, I I don't know what that's like to not feel not

because you stay on my ass. But I do hear that sometimes from I have no I know actually somebody who comes to mind who feels that way as well. Well, I mean, I mean he could be feeling a certain way. For example, there were a point, there was a point in our relationship even recently, this this past summer, where I felt like you weren't paying attention to my needs. So in turn, I was leaving it up to you to initiate everything. Remember, I was just like, you know

what you initiated. If you want to do things your way, I'm to just wait for you to initiate it. And it was petty. I know it was petty, but I was doing it to get my point across. You know what I'm saying. I was doing because that's what married people do. Yes, we're mad, petty, pet and we're trying to figure it out, and it's just like, well, we're gonna see how long this is gonna last? How long are those drawers gonna stay on the floor in the side of the bed and before del picks them up?

Little things? I see how you deflect and push this to my drawers on the side of the bed when we were initially talking about getting the draws. Sorry, I had to get that out. You're feeling something that I picked my draws up this morning. You probably didn't know. They probably still probably still didn't, but probably she needed to stay out my drawers and stay on my room,

my room man. But back to helping home girl out. Yes, I feel like I feel like it's it's tough because if if he's the type of man who doesn't speak on things, which it sounds like it sounds like he doesn't doesn't speak on things, and he said he's tired this and this and that, I think she should try some different things first to get his attention. If she's exhausted all those things, I think they should see therapy talk about they have sex therapists to talk about intimacy.

Are they married? Did she say if they were married? Or they are married? Okay, they are married? So and then you know it's hard being a married couple, they have children. Sometimes there's the monotony that happens in life just going from day to day because there's a routine and there's you know, maybe switching up the routine a bit, and I would want to ask her, you know, says, what are you doing to make sure that he is paying attention? Are you taking care of yourself? Are you?

I think I think that's super important. I mean, you know, I don't think. I don't think it's a shallow thing, but I do think that looks are important. Being attracted to your significant other throughout the marriage or the course of your relationship is important. Taking care of yourself is important. It's funny my mom had said to me after I

had Jackson. She was like, okay, you know, just make sure you keep yourself together because you're your mom, but you're also you know, a wife too, you know which is you know, And she made it clear to me, like, you know, make sure you keep yourself together. And that doesn't mean that I had to be the size to to development you know, years prior, but like you had a six to eight, Like when you be think like that, thank you because I'll never be a class too again.

But it's just you know, it's just like you don't expect that, but you do expect as you evolve and as you grow to just take care of yourself. Sometimes little things like that can go a long way. I don't know if there's an attraction thing that's missing, because she said he does complement other women about things, you know, so maybe there's something missing there on her and maybe she needs to be doing something on her part to help kind of job that in him. You know, I

do believe there's a responsibility in a relationship. You know. Sometimes I get flat for saying like, oh, the women should be taking accountability for their roll in it, But I believe that it's very important to do that. You can't be with a man and expect for him to just still be that into you if you're not taking care of yourself and holding up your end of the bargain, and it goes the other way it does? You know?

That would be in the gym trying to keep it together for me at about my back fat all the time. When I walk out the shower, do you be like oh, or do you be like exactly, I'm just like the gym again. And I was like, oh, I'm in the Oreole Island. Know he love oreos, but that might add to his back fat. So I don't know if I

should get the Oreos today. Ores, But I think I think intimacy is always a tough topic for married couples get together along that appearance is definitely one thing, but um, there are also other things that have nothing to do with appearance, Like right now, I feel like you're a tent as a tent can be. I feel like you're perfect. But we have our intimacy issues where it's just how

it's initiated. You send text messages and you try to get me in the mood and then you just want to get in the bed at night after watching TV and just roll over and have sex. Men aren't into that, and this is what women need to understand. You may not want to hear it because you may think that that's you know, I don't want to hear this. Misogynistic

men like the Chase. Men want excitement. Men want to feel like they did when they were in their prime and they were trying to get all these different women. They kind of want to have that same, that same adventure with the women they spend the rest of their life with so it's not like, Okay, it's seven o'clock, it's Thursday sex time. Oh seven o'clock Thursday, next week sex time. That gets boring. And when that starts to happen, it's not like I'm not in a mood Like I'm

not in a mood for that. I really don't. I'll pass, I'll pass. I remember um I talked about resetting the freak level. The first couple of times I passed on sex for Cadine and he was like, that was like what. My head did a whole like three sixty on my body and I was like, you passed? What that was me being petty because I was paying. He just knocked on me. He just knocked on me, y'all. He knocked on me. And I was like, this cannot be happening right now. I didn't and I didn't want to knock

on you. It was a lot. It was a lot, like, oh, guys, it was a lot to me. But he was knocking at my door. I was, but I had to prove my point. That's that's part of petty marriage. Marriage. This was being petty, but just so many different things that

could be a part of it. One like case ses, make sure that you are in you know, keeping up with yourself and making sure you're the best version of yourself so that he can stay interested and also find out what things interest him, because your version of what may interest him may not be his version of what interests him. And it's funny because we have to do the same thing with our wives. Like things that I think are sexy could be like Na Son, I was like,

I think that was sexy at all. Son, I'll take a pass on that one. Just recently devout trying to do something to me. And he was like, but you used to like that, Like I was like, yeah, but not no more. No more. Times change change. You got a roll with the role with the punches. That used to be my move right there. I used to that

used to be my move. That's all right, It's like to bury that one, but continue to grow and learn each other, speak to each other for sure, and try different things, trying to switch it up a little business. I'm gonna take my own advice because you know, this guy over here like a little variety. As I'm working on my acting chops again and you know, getting back into I got a different wigs she didn't mention role play. Yeah,

you know, it's not got a couple different wigs. It depends on who he's trying to see at that particular time. You know, I'm trying to find some little funny things to do and things to do keep ad at Yes, for sure, so listen. If you want to be featured is one of our listeners on our listener letters, just email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A D A S S A d

V I C E at gmail dot com. Nice, And that moves us into the moment of truth where we tie up the show, put a big bow on top, and you tell me what is your biggest takeaway from this entire episode. My biggest takeaway first and foremost is that I understand what my mom and your mom was doing when we met at a young age, because we met at eighteen years old. So your mom was a pit bull, my mom was a rott Waller, and they

were guarding their prize possession, which is their daughters. So for them, it was trying to find out the most important aspects of the people outside of oh the looks. And they're in love and they love each other. And they're satuated. They wanted to get to the nitty gritty, and I realized that you have to have these important

conversations with the people you're dating. If you're thinking long term, religion, politics, credit, wanting children, mental health very very important, speak about it, own your truth. If you win it, get it up, get together. If not, move on and find somebody else. For sure. For sure, I think that kind of seguags into my moment of truth when I was thinking about the mask. We talked about the mask with mental health,

but just the mask in general. A lot of us wear masks around here, you know, when we're dating and we're talking and we're interacting with people. Um and and sometimes that's for valid reasons. You feel like you want to guard yourself and you feel like you're better off kind of keeping things to yourself because it's better for you, or you know, you kind of want to be that observer first, you know, versus the person who's quick to

speak um. But kind of opening that up and you know, feeling comfortable and knowing who you can take the mask off with. It's very important. Um And it may not happen in the very beginning of a dating relationship. You know. Again, I don't know what much about what the dating scene is like, but from what I hear from single friends, it's sometimes hard to do that wall to discuss these things.

That's dope, you know, even if you guys like cock it to the side real quick just to kind of peek out and see can I do this or can I not? You know, and then looking for signs and looking for triggers within a person or within a relationship or in with a conversation where you may feel comfortable or not divulging certain things. So um, that's my takeaway from today's show is um trying to see you know

what that mask looks like. Yeah, people take your masks off, man, if you really, if you're really about this, this millennial dating life and building a legacy, creating a future with someone else, men, take the mask off. Talking about these topics for sure, And be sure to follow us on social media. That's I am Devout and cadeine I am. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate review because we love to hear your feedback and what you like and what we can improve are Also,

don't forget to hit that subscribe button. That way we can get new episodes out and they automatically download to your phone. Dead As dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square and Donora Penya. Our associate producers are Kristen Tourists and Trouble. Our studio engineers are Brendan Burns and Andy, Kristen's daughter. Attention all dead Ass listeners. We have a special announcement. I repeat a special announcement.

Why are you screaming out? Our listeners? They can hear you. The only thing I gotta make sure they hear me because we are taking our show on the road for two nights only dead Ass. On Thursday, November twenty one, we will be at the Underground Arts in Philly, and on Friday, November twenty two, we'll be back in our hometown, Boklyn. Baby. That's right. Tickets are available right now. Special guests will be announce soon, so get your tickets at dead as

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