What's Fame When You're Fake?

to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Philows off to a whole new level. Dead

As starts right now. Two six. This goes back to when I first made it to the NFL, and this is when you start feeling yourself. You know what I'm saying. Um, I was a free agent trial. I went through a lot. Everybody knows the story to make to the NFL. But I finally made it, and for years of being the underdog and being counted out um not having any scholarship offers, having to walk on, I felt like I was this ship, like you couldn't tell me anything. At the time, I

was five ten hundred and sixty five pounds. I went to a small school. I'm from Brooklyn. No real football players come from Brooklyn. It's not a football state. I felt like I made it, like I was the one percent of people who didn't make it. I was the one percent, and I felt like I was on top of the world. I felt like I had figured out life and going through that whole process in the NFL.

I got humbled when I got there and realized that even though I was the one percent of the people in my community who made it, when I got to the NFL, I was just another person, you know. And it taught me a valuable lesson that no matter how good you may think you are or how much praise you get from those around you, your world doesn't exist

in that vacuum. Once you step out of that world, you get hit with a mack truck, and that mack truck is the rest of the world, and they will humble you very quick, very quickly, because there's chances are there's probably somebody else with a similar story, right forget somebody else, there's somebody else's with so many other people have similar stories to mind, and it humbled me. I'm I'm still proud of my accomplishment, but it definitely humbled me.

And let me know of that. You ain't that special, bro, You still got a lot of work to do this to stay where you are. Li la la la, wait till I get my money right. Oh, I had a dream I could about my way to heaven. When I woke, I spent that on a necklace. I told God, I'll be back in the second. Man, it's so hard not to act regularly. To whom much is given, much is tested. I'm see. I'm glad we ended all to who much is given, much is tested, because that's gonna take me

back to story time. Also take me back to something that happened earlier in the year. Well, I want to hear about that. But let's take a quick break and we're gonna get back into the meat of the show. Let's just let's just first go back to the initial sound bite. Right, the only thing Americans love more than the coming of age story is watching someone fall from grace. Right. Proof of that when you ever heard of rubber necking.

Rubber Necking is when you're on the highway and there's an accident on the opposite side and you have traffic on your side because people can't help but watch the wreckage. Right, Americans love to watch wreckage. So they love to build people up and make them this hero. But more than that, they love to watch people fall. It's like it's like for them, it's something enjoyable. Look at all of the heartache that person is going through. They think they're so perfect,

their life is so perfect. But watch right, it's it's it's part of um, part of a projection. Because I say this all the time. The world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population. So most people in the world, especially in America, which is a capitalist country, are not happy with their place in life because financially

they can't provide the life they want to have. So watching other people struggle is a form of entertainment autely a lot of people, And if you understand socio economics, you can understand why people are in that place in their life. But um, as a celebrity, quote unquote, if you're considered a celebrity, it's important for you to understand this aspect. Right. When you're celebrated, you're celebrated because you

do something exceptionally right, and with that you are rewarded financially. Right, you're exceptionally doing this job. Whether it's CEO of a company, or athlete or an entertainer or a politician, you're celebrated. You're a celebrity. You're celebrated for doing something exceptional. With

that comes partnerships where you get to make money. But with that money comes brands, and you have a responsibility to those brands who pay you, or the people who pay you, to keep a certain level of integrity or a certain image, certain image cohesive, cohesive with their brand. Yeah, and a lot of people need to understand that when you're celebrated for being exceptional, you're required to be exceptional in all aspects of life. And I think that's where

people start to struggle, Especially in today's age. I see a lot more celebrities saying, well, I'm human. You know, I'm only human. I'm only human, which I understand, or they say I'm not here to be your child's role model. You know, you need to be the parent, and you need to be the one that's filtering with your children. See, because I am just entertaining right, which which is fair,

but it's not always true. Right. For example, if you want to be celebrated for being exceptional, you have a responsibility to be exceptional in the eyes of those people who pay to watch you be exceptional, even when you don't want to be exceptional. So that means moving in an exceptional manner. If you mess up, you will get exceptional criticism. You know, the same way you're praised for being exceptional. When you mess up, they are going to

tear your ass down exceptionally. And if you are smart enough to recognize that, you learn to move with integrity, right because as integrity allows you to live your truth, not for a brand, not for people, or not for praise, but you live for what's important to you. This way, you don't have to constantly put on a performance. Right and at that point, whatever is naturally supposed to align with you and your brand or your personality or your

persona is naturally going to take take place. Yeah, and that's and I think that's where when people ask all the time, like you know, with the public eye on and stuff, how hard is it to keep integrity? It is difficult to keep integrity. I want I want people to think about this. Right, Imagine you come from and I don't want to use entertainment or athletics. I'm going to use something completely different that people can relate to, but you can look at it through the lens of

a professional athlete and entertainer. Imagine that you're the first in your family to graduate and go to college and you work in tech. Right, you graduate with honors, and you automatically get a job at one of these startup companies making a quarter million in dollars, more than your money is your your family has ever seen before. Right, Um, you're a black person. You're celebrated by the black community

as being a glass ceiling breaker. Right. You're one of the first in your areas in tech to get this position right out of college. So now you're not only making a lot of money, you're also being celebrated for it. There's a lot of pressure that comes with that, right, but also there's a lot of behaviors that since you grew up um in an environment where it wasn't supported by the life you're living in now. When you get to that new life, a lot of people don't necessarily

know how to maneuver right. And the reason why I was choosing this lane because the minute you say entertainment or athletics, people automatically assume the words from athletes or entertainers. But this often happens with people who work in finance, or work in tech, or work in any industry where they make a lot of money at a young age. It's difficult to keep your integrity when you have a responsibility to provide for a lot of people who don't

have those opportunities as you. And since it's difficult to live in that to existent and provide for people, when people start to throw money your way, you're willing to do whatever you can to get it. You see what

I'm saying. And the reason why I say I use that example and not entertainment because people often say Hollywood is the devil, you know what I'm saying, or people have to sell a soul to make in thee going to say is it because entertainers and athletes have an aspirational lifestyle that some people wish they could have, or is it just the admiration that they have for these individuals.

What I think it is is that in our community, especially um the black community, we look up to athletes and entertainers because those are the ones we see make it. They're the flashy ones. Mind you, most of the millionaires in our community do not work in athletics or entertainment, and that's that's fly right under the radar because they're

driving there. You talk about it. There are tons of black millionaires work in the tech space, who work in real estate, who work in construction, who build a great life for themselves, but they're not celebrated because you're not flashy. So when it comes to entertainers and athletes, we look at them as the pinnacle of people who made it

out and they made it out quickly. So when you're twenty two and you've made a million dollars because you did a song, or you're on YouTube, or you've been drafted and whatever sport you play, people aspire to get that level of gratification. There's also too Yeah they think it's instant, but I mean, think about the athlete who's drafted chances are you hear the story about the kid that was drafted in the first round been playing football since he was two, and there is a road to

getting to that, So it didn't necessarily happen overnight. Like you said, that person who was a celebrity, they are deemed to be exceptional in whatever it is that they do. So sometimes I can't understand the mindset where people want to bash or look down on, or praise the fall of some from that status because is it maybe a bit of jealousy wrapped in there or envy, or is it just like ha, you know, you can't necessarily always be at the top, because that's not life. People aren't

always at the top. Well, it comes back to things not being fair. Right, when the world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population, it's not fair. There are people who don't get access to have that live that aspirational lifestyle, even if they do things the right way, because the system is created for only a small amount of people to make money. Right, So when you lived your life and you're working so hard and it seems like you can't break through, you start to have resentment

towards everybody, and then you you struggling in life. Sometimes you know, you don't want a constant reminder that you're struggling. So when you watch someone that you you see that you admire, or go through a struggle, you relate to that. You know, now you're struggling, that I can relate to that struggle because I struggle every day. So a lot of times people think always, hey, sometimes it's not hate. You know, you can't relate to people that don't have

the same lifestyle as you. So when you're watching someone go through a struggle that you admire, it's easier for you to say, man, I'm not the only one going through something. They're going through it too. But when it comes to integrity, imagine you, for example, I been struggling your whole life, and now you have an opportunity to create financial freedom for yourself and those around you. And it's like, all I gotta do is that. Okay, you know I've I've been doing all the right things for

this long and nothing's been happening for me. But now you just want me to do that and you'll give me X amount of dollars. Hell, yeah, I'm doing that because and that's and that's how people That's how people find themselves when they get to any level. And that's why I'm not going to just make it Hollywood and athletics.

Even in corporate culture. You hear so many people in corporate culture talk about how cutthroat and evil it is at that level, because in order to ascend, typically you have to step on someone else, or you have to do something wait for somebody to get leave their position, whether they're fired or you know, or you have to do something outside of your integrity in order to get there. Like you hear you say the time, well, who did they sleep with tickets? And it has nothing to do

with Hollywood or athletics. It's just trying to ascend in life. What kills me is the fact that people want to throw the Illuminati all over us, like, oh, it can't possibly be that these people have just worked and worked. Yes, folks, we've had some people say the devot I have not become members of the Illuminati. People there my tax bracket don't say Illuminati status yet based off of who is

making Illuminati style money. But y'all can't just be okay with the fact that two people have just been working as kids in Brooklyn struggling and working hard over the past twenty years to build out a life that we had got to be a shortcut because somebody sold. They sold to somebody devil. Do you want to imagine spending your whole life working hard, going to school, only getting bills doing something they're not working out, and then you see two people who you grew up with actually make it.

Some people in their mind said, it's not possible that they that they made it when I'm selling the soul because I think everything and and sometimes it doesn't happen for everybody, Like, we know a lot of people who work their tail off, doing everything the right way, and I'm not gonna lie. I felt like that when I

was in Yeah that way. I I've worked my ass off, Cadine has worked her ass off, And I do watch other people get praise for doing things, not even at a standard that I've done, and they get praised by by other people or different media outlets, and I'm like, wait a minute, how did this person get praised for that when I've been doing this for four years at an elite level and no one says anything. At times, it does become difficult for you to realize that that

is not your moment. What I don't do is I never downplay someone else's moment because if that's their moment, but it's it's not that easy for some people, you know. It's just it's just not And I have so many other sspects of my life that I'm at peace with that I'm not solely, you know, defined by my career. And a lot of times people struggle in life because their career defines them. Right, my career doesn't define me. If if I don't act tomorrow, I'm still gonna make

money in all my other business projects. I'm still going to be a dad, I'm still going to be a husband, I'm still gonna be a friend, a brother. So there's so many different aspects of devout that I can lean on that I don't feel the need to downplay or which down downfall on someone else who is in the position and I want to be in. But for a

lot of people, they don't have those other aspects. They don't have a village to rally behind, so their integrity is often compromised because they want that one thing that they think defines them. If me being a CEO of this company and being the first Black CEO defines me. I'm willing to do anything to get there. If if I want to be the first actor in this movie to do this, I'm gonna do anything. If I want to be a first round pick, I'm gonna do anything.

It's in every even at the freaking post office. We I we have friends that work in the post office, and they'd be like, Yo, these people in here were willing to do anything to be just a manager at the post office. It's like, it's the post office. You're ready to try to get somebody fired. Where is your integrity to be the manager at the post office? So I think integrity doesn't only come with being a celebrity.

I think integrity comes with you understanding your place in the world, being dissatisfied with your place in the world, and willing to step on other people to get higher. And I think that's where people lose their integrity. If you understand where you're on the world, and you find peace in different aspects of your life other than just your career, it's easy to keep your integrity because you're living for more reasons than just to paycheck. That was

a whole word in it. It was a word doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo. Do you better started it started? Hey? Hey, hey, So it's a fact to consider, y'all. You figure fame or integrity? Which one is more important? Like I said, integrity all the way, I, for one, can totally disappear into my own corner. Devout tells me now that I am an

introvert in hermit crab. It feels like COVID did it to me because prior to this I was social butterfly as well, and now I'm not as not as a social as I thought I was before. I guess, but hey, um, so which is more important to you? Money or happiness? Which is of more value? Success or failure which is more destructive? If you look at others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money,

you'll never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have, rejoiced in the way things are you when you realize that there's nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you and that's by loud to I have to agree with him because when I was in the NFL, I made a lot of money and I wasn't happy. I was waiting from my family you and not struggling

a lot um. Once I lost the money and we moved back to Brooklyn and we started building, I started to find happiness in creating a life from my family. You really found happiness. And that because I beg to different babies. Listen, started from scratch, was difficult. We can we can differ. I'm not going to try to change your mind. If that's the way you felt, that's the way you felt. But I will say this. I was two years old and the league minimum at the time

was two dollars. Different points in life, then, okay, I'm talking about that. But I made that money. My player performance bonus the following February was seventy dollars. A kid from Brooklyn who's never really worked consistently because I was going to school, I was I was on scholarship. I never had money. Now had six figures in the bank account, and I was dealing with UH withdrawals from pain meds. I was dealing with anxiety, anxiety because I was waiting

from my family, I missed my girl, a friend. Um. You would think that the money would have cured all of those other things, but it didn't. You know, Like, not being in a sense of peace and not knowing who I was or not understanding why I wasn't happy and fulfilled made me anxious. And there was no amount of money that could could solve that. I didn't buy clothes. I wasn't able to. It wasn't like retail therapy help me. I couldn't buy my way into happiness. Well, I guess

why I said. Didn't necessarily agree with this statement, per se. It says be content with what you have, rejoiced in the way things are. Sometimes people are not happy with the way they are in that moment, and they're not going to be content with the way things are because they want better for themselves. So it's like, how do you then decide how I'm going to maneuver and make the best out of the situation to get the things

that I want. So this, this is how I navigate that being content in the way things are doesn't mean that you have to be content that those things will never change in the future. You still have to work towards what you want. But being content in the moment that you have health, you have clarity, and you have opportunity to get the things you want allows you to be content in the moment. Right you know, I want to be the biggest movie star on the planet. I'm

not that right now. But does that mean that since I'm not that right now, I can't be content with where my life is right now. No, I can be content with all that I have and still work my ass off to be that as as hard as I can.

And and I found that when I wasn't on anybody's TV screen, when I was behind O Mari Hart with being his stunt double, and no one ever saw in my face before social media started to pop, Right when I was working as a gym as a trainer, training some people's kids who didn't want to be trained, you know, whose parents wanted it more than them. I found contentment in the fact that I was able to provide a lifestyle for my wife and my son at the time, and they could. You guys, could do the things you

wanted to do and be at peace. I found in that while knowing I'm still building for what I really want to be for myself and the value. You are a good egg. Okay, you're a very good egg. And I mean, I couldn't think of another word in the moment, but it's just what I'm What I'm trying to get at is that hearing this from you completely makes sense because that is in line with your personality, your drive,

your ambition, your work ethic. But there's some people, even some of the listener letters that we write in, and people will say, like, I just am in a rut in life, like how can I get myself out of this? I'm not happy with where I am in my life. I'm not happy with what I've achieved. I feel like

I'm in this rat race. I can just see how it's easy for people to be in that rut, and it'd be hard to say, you know what, I just don't even know how to begin to be content with where I am, you know, and that's a difficult place to be in. I just want to acknowledge and love on those people because I know that I've been there where it seems like you have everything to sustain you. And yes, you have health and strength and support and love and you know, but you're still just find that purpose.

Maybe maybe the purpose is not something that people are in line with finding in that moment. But you you say, I'm a good egg. But a lot of times, how many times if you had to talk me off the edge? Think think about how many times where I've been downstairs in the gym just working my ass off, and then I sit down and I'm stopping, and you just like, what's the matter. Why are you looking about to cry? And I'll just be like, yo, I want to do these things and no one is allowing me to do

these things. I want to create, I want to do this, and you'd be like devout. Think about where you were five years ago and how much you've done in that time. You know, Also, having integrity and learning to be content with where you are doesn't mean that that always comes

from within. Sometimes you need people around you to remind you to you know, stop stop looking yes, stop like when you're in this moment, one of the biggest things that can deter you from from being content is always looking ahead right and saying well, I want to be there, Because you're looking at where you are and you're comparing where you are to where you want to be, as opposed to looking behind sometimes and saying look where I was, look where I was, look where I am, and look

where I want to be. I'm happy with how far I've come in that amount of time. I'm also happy with what I have. If you're always looking ahead. You pointed it out to me in the NFL. I was not happy one day in the NFL because I was always looking at what I wanted to do, and I took it for granted, and the opportunity was short lived because I wasn't smart enough to be content in the moment. I didn't appreciate the moment, so the moment was fleeting.

I wasn't as successful as I could have been in the NFL because I was always thinking about the next thing. You still have to appreciate the moment, right, you have to honor the gift. The gift in the moment is the NFL. So rather than saying, I want in the NFL, but I want to be a starter, I want to be a startup. I want to be a Hall of Fame,

I want to win a Super Bowl. Doing all of those things and not being able to do that in that moment made me upset, and all I did was complain and bitch and moan and got my ass cut. You see what I'm saying. And now I have no opportunity to ever be those things. But in the moment, I had an opportunity, and I was not where I wanted to be, but I had an opportunity. If people start to realize that every day you wake up, you have an opportunity to be where you want to be,

that's where you can find contentment. That's where you can find a content Because I know, me coming from where I've come from, I tend to sometimes see the glass I have have empty, where my husband here always sees it half full, and you know, it's hard to sometimes wrap your mind around it when you have you're in those moments of you feel like what's hopelessness um and how you're able to maneuver opportunities and remaneuver your life in that moment to then make it to the next level

of whatever it is you're trying to attain. So I figured that was an interesting look on it, because not everyone can probably feel like that. You know, it's it's it's difficult, and integrity is a hard thing to maintain in a world that's based on capital, right because It's like you hear all these sayings it's a dog eat dog, you know, It's like, okay, so what does what does

that mean? Like I'm only going to be successful if I'm a dog and I eat another dog, which there's no integrity and a dog eating another dog, right, But we often celebrate people who get success by any means. Right, So then it's like, well, doesn't integrity really matter? Doesn't matter, especially when it's the fame if that's what you're shooting to achieve, and that what does integrity look like for

some people? Because what maybe a form of integrity to you may not need a form of integrity to me. And then I think that boils down to just morals. And you know what, you're okay with doing things you're willing to sacrifice or not in order to make it to that next level of whatever you know, your career field maybe, or whatever your aspiration is. So that's something

to also keep in mind too. It's like your level of integrity and what you might can ssider to be um that is not necessarily the same for the next person I want to did you read this second part, which one becoming a celebrity? Yes, we read that real quick. Becoming a celebrity alters the person's being in the world.

Once fame hits, with its growing sense of isolation, mistrust, and lack of personal privacy, the person develops a kind of character splitting between the celebrity self and the authentic self as a survival technique in the hyperkinetics and heat the atmosphere associated with celebrity life. I agree with that once you become a celebrity, people expect you to behave in the manner and which made you a celebrity, even

if that that manner is a character. Yes, absolutely so, because I expect er Erkele to fall down and like, did I do that? Like when I see him Julia White today, like he's a to me and and a lot of times people get to a point where they're like, I'm tired of performing, right, But even even just the character that he plays. When you're a celebrity, people expect you to act like a celebrity, And when you don't act like a celebrity, people say things like, oh, you're

just a regular person. Are we all just regularly? What exactly does act like a celebrity look like? I guess they want you to say the you know, the PC things, and you know, always be on and just you know, willing to take pictures with whoever you encounter, sinne autographs and if you have a day where you're just being quote unquote human, you may potentially be scrutinized for that. Well, here's another thing. Everybody's idea of what a celebrity supposed

to act is different. So how do you how are you always going to fall into everybody's perfect idea of how it's celebrity supposed You can't? Says, you try to be at random times. It's impossible, and that's how people lose themselves because like, if this person WANs me to be this way, let may be that, and that person wants me to be a celebrity this way, and and and after a while, and this is where integrity comes in.

If you don't feel comfortable in living in your true self and you're constantly performing for everyone else, at some point you're gonna fall just like this, says. Studies show that the pressure of celebrity can lead to self destructive patterns like substance abuse to help mitigate the stress. How many actors or performers do we know have taken their own lives because it was just too much to handle whatever they were dealing with. It becomes a lot in

the fear of someone taking my idea. I'm going to still tell this story. I was watching everything that happened in the media over the last couple of months between entertainers, whether it was an actor, a singer, athlete. I've noticed that once celebrities start to move in a manner that is more advantageous for them and their mental health, everyone else STI there crazy, M right. What you mean you don't want to do interviews no more? I just I

don't want to do an interview today. Something's wrong. He's isolating himself. He's crazy. What you mean you don't want to play no more? He retiring. He's at the peak of his game. Why is he retiring? He must be crazy, you know what I'm saying. Wait? Wait, wait, when he went and did something that no one else thinks he should do. Other people can do it, but not him. Oh,

he's crazy. It's like the minute you become a celebrity, they expect you to behave in a way that the minute you start to focus on what's right for you, you've now lost everybody. And that's the part of celebrity that I don't think people who are not celebrities understand. They just know how to cancel people. Yes, for example, I told you about the conversation I had with the dude on Instagram. My hair is thinning. It's been thinking for years. Right, doesn't make no difference to me. It's

just standing here. It happen when you get older. Right. So dude says to me, Yo, the hair is thinning. You need to let that go on my page? Right. So I sent him a message back and I said, you know, it's funny that you think because you're here right now, he's full full head of hair waves. Because you're here is better than mines. You should you have the right to tell me I should let my hair go. Right. My house is better than yours. Should I tell you to let that go? My car is better than yours?

Should I tell you to let that go? My life is better than yours? Should I tell you to let that go? And he said, he said, you know, I never thought about it that way. And I said, now, just imagine you made that comment. But look at all the people who made comments around your comments. Those are hundreds and thousands of people who since you pointed out something about me, I felt it was okay to now attack that part of my life. But if I were to say something to you in the same manner, how

would it make you feel? And he was like, yeo, I never thought about it that way. And and and we had this conversation, you know, we had this conversation on DM and I said to him, you know, I don't care about my hair thinning. I make jokes about it myself. My kids make jokes about it, like like

that's part of life, right. But what if you run across the celebrity who's having a bad day, who's mom just found out something bad, and they're just in the like the like even even me, What if I found out something terrible that happened in my life, and if you make that same comment and in that moment I respond emotionally that person face to face. No, they definitely wouldn't say that face to face, because no one ever says that things to me face to face that they

say in the comments. Which I also understand that you have keyboard warriors, right, but being a celebrity often often people feel like you're supposed to have integrity, But they don't realize that those around you don't have integrity with dealing with you. So why am I the only one

that's supposed to have integrity? And I don't think people who are not celebrit understand that what that can take, like the mental toll it takes, you know, because we have friends who play in the NBA and they are very, very popular, Like you know, even the NBA has their realm of top five players. But the friends that we have, our World Champions, defensive Player of the Year's Finals envy,

like we have friends who are at that level. And the stuff that people say to their family in the stands and say to them and and calling them outside their name, calling their wife outside their name, making funt of their kids. Right, No one ever says where is your integrity as a fan? Right? Where is your integrity as a consumer of content? But when it comes to the celebrity is where is your integritiescut? You see what I'm saying. And I think people need to understand there's

a lot of pressures that come with the celebrity. So if you're a celebrity and people constantly bashing you, constantly bashing your family, saying all this other stuff. Then they have an opportunity to do something for them and their family, and you want them to have integrity and protect you as the community. It's like, wait a minute, why would I do something to protect the same community that bashes

me and my family constantly. So yeah, I might take this bag, And I'm not validating people for doing stuff without integrity. But what I'm saying is is there are certain people in the world who don't care about the community, who don't care about what you feel or say about them. They're only going to focus on their family. And imagine being from a low income community and you're the only

source of light to help your community. If that bag comes, those people don't care about your ideas of what they should do to keep their integrity. They're gonna get the bag to help feed their family. Because as fast as you raise that celebrity up, you will tear them down just as fast as the heartbeat. And they can't always be focused on what you think when they're trying to protect their family or feed their family, So that comes

first and foremost. I have not not a doubt in my mind that as your as your start continues to rise, that if somebody came out there face sideways about me or the kids, it's money and you were caught in a moment. It's gonna be a moment. I'm gonna say this. I'm gonna say this wholeheartedly. Wholeheartedly. There's a reason why we have multiple streams of income outside of social media and Hollywood, because I'm never going to make a decision about my family based on me needing to make money

from something. I learned that when the NFL, right the minute they decided that I wasn't going to be in the NFL no more, all my revenue streams were cut. So I had to dance to kind of make sure that I can make money. The reason why I have my own revenue streams doing a bunch of other things because if someone ever disrespects my family, I don't want to have to worry about my brand in that moment. I don't because my brand is not gonna save Because

we'll be talking about integrity. Your brand is not gonna save you when you walk in those doors and your kids and your wife gotta look at you like, bro, you let that happen. You know what I'm saying, It's the same way with me. Picking are roles because I've got offered roles to do different things, and I'm just like, because of what matters to me, which is my kids

and my family, I can't do that role. I can't play the drug dealing gun toten womanizing black guy on TV no more because my family will look at my daddy. You've gotten passed the point in your life where you have to accept that. There was a point where I had to accept that. But because of what integrity means to me, which is my family first. Now I can make decisions because of my revenue streams to say, you know what, I'll pass on that, Well, you'll never work

here again. All right? Then, well I won't, but I can go home and my wife can be like, I love you, and chances are after that I love you, something else will rolling is don't even worry about those because the ones that's not meant for you won't be for you, but the ones that are absolutely still going to be there, absolutely All right. I guess we can move into some listener letters now. They just had a couple of things for anybody who's looking to get into

fame or to be famous. Some tips for managing fame really quickly. Um, you cannot meet everyone's unrealistic expectations, So just don't try. Take the opinions of others about you lightly and don't take it personally. Remember one of the four agreements have how they feel about you has nothing to do with you. UM, stay grounded and down to earth as much as possible, and if needed, get help. UM. This this one is says, stay grounded and down to earth. The success is not a reason to feel superior to

other people. Games can often confuse people and make them think that they are one of a kind and everyone else is inferior. Do not fall for this track. It will It will cloud your thinking and perception of true self love. I can lose you opportunities just as fast too, absolutely, But I can speak to this as an athlete. I've seen so many athletes who felt why just look over at you? Just look mad, pretty, just don't know? And I was if we was outside of how I let you.

But all right, Mama, still get it when when you got it, Oh, you definitely got it. When athletes get to the pinnacle, right, whether it's high school and you're an All American, and they lose that right, So now you go to college and things kind of fizzle out. I've watched a lot of athletes lose themselves because they thought what they did made them superior to other people.

But now you no longer have that. So if you know, because this this, every job is fleeting, you're only going to be an athlete for so long, you know what I'm saying. You're only going to be the best actor for so long. You're always going to be the best singer for some You're only going to be the CEO for so long before someone comes along because everyone dies and they're always looking for the next best thing for

the cheaper, younger talent. Absolutely, So, if you take your occupation as your reason why you're better than other people, when that fleets and goes away, what do you have to stand on as a person in individual that right there is the most important one staying grounded and down

to earth. Because I've seen athletes and entertainers at every level, whether it was the NFL guy who was retired, the college guy who didn't make it to the NFL, or the high school guy who never played in college, you you thought you were better than everybody because of that, And when you no longer had that it was going. I watched it firsthand, and those people often end up realizing, like day, my my occupation can't define me. And the

same thing happens to actors. You were a child actor and you were on the hit show, and now no one knows you anymore. You know, you were the singer that was on the Disney Channel who was supposed to be the next Britney Spears, and you turned sixteen and no one thinks you're cute anymore, and now you're not singing. And what happens, you know, it happens at every single level, every single month, every single level, y'all. All right, let's take a quick break and we'll move into listening letters

after we get into some ads, So stick around. All right, now we're back favorite part of the show. We get to hear from y'all. Let's see who got integrity in these listening street signed let me see what y'all've been up to. Who've been out here throwing ass around and whatnot? All right, Hija Valkadeen, please keep me anonymous. I as long as you don't say no names, no phase, no caise, I love you both and calling you guys my cousins

all the time. What's up? Cause the podcast is amazing and I'm also as a team of stand Okay show coming soon. So here's my dilemma. Me and my man have been together for over a year and a half. He has a few women that he considers best friends. I met one of them and she was cool. There's this other one that I just don't understand. Child is always one. Uh. She seems to be doing some over the top stuff, calling, super late, texting early in the

more running. The most recent and annoying example, me and him went out to dinner for my birthday and would y'all believe she called in the middle of our dinner asking if she I think, asking if she would need pliers for whatever she was trying to fix. I'm sure she knew that it was my birthday because he was telling just about everybody the week of all of his friends are before we got together. And I'm not an

ultimatum user. However, I want to know if they've ever had sex or had I'm sorry, if you've ever had sex, and what the deal is, because at this point is getting annoying, like she's wanting, like she's waiting in the wings for him or something. Should I be concerned with asking about this or should I brush it off? Signed over it? So she doesn't know if they've had sex. Ah, So have we asked? Have you asked? Girl? Because I

want to know where the answer is. Do you think that will be a determining factor as to why she feels she can do this or not? I don't know, to be honest, I just I just think that there's a certain boundaries whether you have sex or not. Your homeboys out to dinner with his wife, well his wife or girlfriend? His girlfriend is well, yeah, they've been together for over a year and a half ago. Yeah, so okay,

so here's nothing. I mean. The consolation to me is that she to an extent that the Frankie feels comfortable to call and he feels comfortable answering in front of her, because I feel like if there was something to hide, and there's a chance that that would not be occurring, maybe this female friend does not know how to have boundaries now that her friend, who she's been a friend with for years now has a steady girlfriend of a year and a half. A year and a half is

still new. So unless your boyfriend sets forth the boundary like, hey, you know, you can't just be interjecting, or if he just not answered the phone, he has to also have the wherewithal to know you're calling me in the mid middle of my girl's birthday dinner. That call is gonna have to wait. There you go. You don't gotta answer it, You're gonna answer it. So they may both be a little bit at full here too, well, I mean not

a little bit. Like this also goes to when a woman does something and as a man involved, it seemed like they always go to blame the woman. Right, you just made a good point. He didn't have to answer the phone, right, so you you could blame her for calling, But you could also say to him like, dude, it's my birthday dinner, why are you even answering the like you know who it is? Because we all have these names that pop up on our phone click or text message.

I can't answer, but a right, they like, he has to create boundaries. But what you also said is true. A year and a half is not that long, and if they've been friends for years, he's probably had relationships that came and went, and it's like this is gonna be my friend regardless. Until he sets the boundary, He's always going to be my friend. And that's just the way it exactly. And if she can't respect that, if he were to put his foot down, then she might

be lightning in away. Exist you never now, Anna, because I was thinking completely different until you said that. But that's true. Until he puts the foot down and creates the boundary, what what is she supposed to do? They've been existing this way for years, so it's up to him. Definitely, I think you need to have conversation with him. Sex or not. That really is not, um necessarily the reason.

Um It's just about because even if they didn't have sex, she can't just be calling in the middle of your dinner and he answering the phone. Like, that's just not absolutely And I mean, like perfect example, you said you as a team of stand Crystal and I are close friends. Crystal will not call. We had to meet, We had to argument. Kay was upset at her last week because she alarm went off in her other house. It was two in the morning and she lives by herself, and

k was like, why didn't you call us? And she was just like, well, I know you guys to sleep and it's inappropriate. And we were just like, yo, like you're by yourself, Like that's an emergency, that's that's a circumstance where if you can talk in the morning, if you didn't call him or I one of us. But he answered. But she has the respect to say, I'm not going to call at two in the morning because you're married. You know. It's like she said, a boundary.

I've said a boundary. But also as a wife or a girlfriend, it's also like, hey, you know, you know when things are appropriate and when they're not appropriate. There doesn't have to be a rule set or a time set, you know, use discretion. If she would have called me at two in the morning for supplies in the house, Becaude probably been like, yo, what are you fixing that two in the morning, Like you have applies to your hand? Awesome, Okay, now go to the nearest outlet and stick it right

into the socket. Hello, hello, Okay, there we go down ship. Only only a woman would have go that far. I wouldn't even think about killing nobody. Watch somebody got to die with y'all all the times back to integrity question of it to um but you know, just to close out that question, your boyfriend got to set boundaries and let people know it's on him totally. I'm thirty years old and I've been in a relationship with my thirty

one year old boyfriend for four years. I will be a tending grad school in the fall out of state, and have been making plans with my boyfriend to prepare for long distance for the past year. I've made it clear to him that I'm looking to get engaged before grad school or separate given long distance, the stress of grad school and me being of childbearing age is is

enough to bear without having a commitment. He recently has shared with me that he began having feelings of being unsure of how we would work for a long term marriage, and that he also feels unsure that he will be able to live up to the compromises. The compromises required. I feel completely blindsided, giving he's taken so long to tell me this and has had me look at rings and go through pre marital counseling with him last year.

As I searched forward or that's why you go through counseling to figure out this what you want to do? As I search for answers. He feels the pressure to answer my questions without having the space and time to think so that he can move forward with being more intentional towards committing to marriage. I'm growing impatient and jaded because of the time I've spent I've put in only to be surprised by this. Are his feelings about marriage

at this point? Unreasonable? Is this cold feet or something more? Although I love him, I don't know what to do anymore. Jaddn't bitter? Yeah, okay? How do you tell people how you feel and they tell you how they feel and you get mad because they don't say what you want to say exactly? Counseling the purpose of Yeah, that's usually

why people recommend premarital counseling. Like you and I had the opportunity to do it beforehand, and then stuff got crazy and busy and my uncle ended up marrying us, and we were like, maybe we should find somebody who wasn't related to me to do it. So that's the purpose of talking these things out ahead of time, to decipher if it's really what you want to do or not.

I would applaud him in the circumstance for just saying maybe I'm not sure if I'm willing to compromise on certain things rather than marry you under the false guys of I'm going to give you everything you want and need, and that he don't and then you're mad, and then you even more jaded and bitter. So see, I think she wanted him to say something else, and when he didn't,

she waited, hoping she could change his mind. Mind. He just told you how he felt, and now the ball is in your court to say, you know what, I understand how you feel based on what you said, but I'm looking for something immediately, so I'm going to have to move on. I don't think that that's an ultimatum. I think that you being delttle bit about what you need and what you want out of life and not being willing to wait, that's not an ultimatum. That's you

making a choice. Uh. And I think that he told you. You know, when when someone shows you who they are, it tells you what they want. Believe them the first time, don't waste time trying to change their mind, and then when they don't, be jaded and bitter because you couldn't change their mind. That's you. That's you problem. Like that's that's a lot of a lot of times. I think what happens people ask for the truth about things they

asked to hear. How people feel. Think of when you did that Madame Noir episode while back, and it's supposed to be wasn't I think like a man? Or Yeah, it was asked ask black man. And when a lot of the men on there were saying the things that women didn't want to hear, but we're their truth, got upset. You've got people kind of throwing tomatoes. And then you'd have the one or two guys who were singing the sweet songs and the whispering the sweet promises and saying

the right words. That was just like a glazed over vague, you know, opinion of what a man should be. And women were like, yeah, we want him. But he was saying, then that's and that's the truth. Like you, you know, you can't ask somebody what they want and not be ready to receive their truth. You know. But but here's another truth though, Um, the biological clock is real. Right. I'll give you an example. We had Jackson, we had Kyro, we had cass Codine, had great pregnancies, we had the

code and she had an amazing pregnancy. At the end of the pregnancy, she suffered from postpartum preclampson, which could have taken her life. That comes with age. And now it's to a point where it's like, if Candeine and I wanted to have another baby, which we don't, if we wanted to, that option has been kind of limited because of her health issues that come with age. And I think that a lot more men need to realize, like, hey, we can take our time because we don't have to

carry children. A lot more women are being deliberate about what they want and need out of life, because once you get to that, you know, thirty, mid thirties, now you have to start thinking about your health and safety if you want to be a mom, and that's a real thing. So it's not an ultimatum. It's not you being unreasonable, it's not you putting pressure, it's me you being honest. But with you being honest, you have to be willing to accept that that man may say, well,

I'm not ready right now. And if he's not ready right now, then you have to make the decision to move in a different direction, which means you may be in love with this man, and you may jump out of the frying pan into the fire, and you may be looking for something else that you may not find in any other man. And you may find yourself by yourself because you left someone who you were in love with, who may not been ready in that moment, but might be ready now. So well maybe it might be ready

later on. So I get it tough place to be in, but I get it's great that y'all are at least exploring this by having the conversations and by speaking about it and seeking the counseling, because that's actually being proactive, absolutely not reactive. Absolutely. All right, y'all keep writing in because we'd love to hear more from you guys. Um listener letters should go through email. Don't d m U s because we're not gonna see it, um dead. Ask

advice at gmail dot com. That's right, there's d E A D A S S A d V I C E at gmail dot com. All right, Momenta, True time, we're talking about integrity across the board, public scrutiny, praise all those good things. When it comes to integrity. My thing is pretty simple. Can you sleep at night when you do whatever it is that you do, whether it's to get that next gig or that next role or that promotion or whatever it may be. Um the way you handle into actions with people on a day to

day basis, whether you're famous or not. The way you carry yourself is that something that you can do and then at the end of the night sleep peacefully. That's usually how I look at it, because if it's something that's gonna keep me up and it's gonna be like, damn, I shouldn't have. I wish I didn't, you know, I should have could have? What is then that? For me?

It's never any progress there. I'm always gonna say I should be able to sleep at night and sleep peacefully and be happy with the decisions that I've made in the way I've treated people. I agree with that. And I'll also add this, like integrity also depends on what you value in life. If you value family, your integrity is going to be rooted in what is in the

best interests of your family first, right. If you don't have a family and you value community, your integrity is going to be uh dependent upon what's in the best interests of the community. If you value career and fame, your integrity is going to be dependent upon what you think is going to get you the greatest amount of fame and finances. So integrity really depends on what the person values. You can't put your value on someone else

and say they have no integrity because of what they did. Also, integrity goes both ways. I am tired of watching people talk about celebrities saying they have no integrity when these people who are not celebrities walk around having no integrity at all on a daily basis. Okay, so you don't have to be a celebrity to have integrity, right, you can be a person that works are on the five is.

For example, I've been watching a lot of people talk about I don't even want to bring the situation up, but what they should what one what a celebrity should have done. But you cheat on your wife every day. So you're telling me what this person should do to have a better to be have more integrity, But you don't live integrity in your own personal life. Right, you stepped on your boss to get that promotion, but you think that celebrity should have integrity. You see what I'm saying,

Get judgment and the whole point. The whole point is You do not have to be a celebrity to live with integrity. We all, as human beings, should learn to live with integrity every single day. And that integrity is going to be depending upon what you value. Don't let anyone else tell you what's supposed to value more. Because if it's your family, put that first and foremost. If it's your community, put that first and foremost. If it's if it's you, your career, put that first and foremost.

Because you're the only person has to answer to you. And as fast as you become a celebrity, you'll fall even faster. So if you continue to put other people in the forefront, you get disappointed very quickly. All right, now, it was a word a word. Be sure to find us on social media if you have not already. Dead asked the podcast. Thank you for following and engaging on

that page. We'd love to see it and you can find me at Cadine I Am and I Am devoted and if you're listening or Apple Podcasts, be short, rate, review, and subscribe. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the podcasts and never miss a thing