Try A Little Tenderness

low key. Sometimes I'm happy when the kids get in the way a k. A. Cock block because I'm in the mood anyway, so it saves me. Guys, I don't even think I have just one sound bite for this episode. I'm tired of all of y'all, you and damn kids dead as he and we're the Ellis. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'm making me most days. And one more important thing to mention,

we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Through the lens of a millennial Mattie couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows off

to a whole new level. Dead as starts. Now. Let me begin this story time by saying that when you know, when people say that kids will mess up your love life, and people will be like, no, that's not true. Yes it is, it is true. I'll give you an example. Last week, I ain't even have to take story time that far back. Thursday, me and Cadeen, ain't you know, we ain't do nothing in about three four days. So

I'm my I'm already on high. So now it's Thursday and it's getting late at night, Case falling to sleep, Case falling to sleep, and I'm like, yo, yo, yo, yo, listen. She's like, no, let's watch a movie real quick, and we go upstairs. I'm like fine, So we decided to watch Parasite. So we put Parasite in and we're getting towards the end of the movie and I'm doing what

I typically do when I watch movies. I watch movies and I glanced at her watch movies, and a glance at her because I want to make sure she's still up because at the end of this movie, I'm about to go get my thing thing done. All right, I'm watching the movie. The movie is about the end. I looked to my right and I see a little afro next to Codein. I'm like, twelve thirty cats got out of bed. No, this was two am. Remember, Oh no,

it was two am. It was am. Cats got out of bed and just came downstairs and got right on the couch next to me. And we're just sitting there the whole time, standing right at me. Looked at me in oyes. So this is what pissed me off. Codein says to me, baby baby, because now we we we we go upstairs, we brush our teeth every we were laying in the bed. She goes, pay bad. I'm gonna put them to sleep. Right once I put them to sleep, I'm gonna wake you up. I'm fading in and out

of that type of sleep. You know, that type of step people talk about when they sleep but they not really sleep and they feel like someone got pressure on their chests and they can't get up. I'm kind of in and out of that secause I don't want to go to sleep because I still want some booty. Right. All I hear is out I turned over. He's still up, k knocked out out like a light. So man, you know what, I ain't gonna do myself like a light me a light me. I want to sleep. It was

pissed the next morning, So why I creep? Yeah? Been on the down low. No, it's supposed to know, so I creep. Yeah. So Jackson role Mo don't know what we do. A tension goes to show asleep, Yeah, and I'm sitting up by myself and I really don't know when I'm gone. Doc's sleep. Yeah, that's what you should have saying. That's exactly what you should have saying. I was like, you know, because Jackson ro Rod be know when and kids, this is my life. I can't believe.

I'm glad I think that's song because you're able to remix that perfectly because instead of trying to creep around obvious sleep, I believe it's just my life. I'd be sleeping and I'll be down. I can't believe this is my life. This is your whole, entire life babe, But I mean it's funny. We we take funny. It's funny to know, it's funny to me, it's only funny in retrospect,

because I kid you not, y'all. Like our kids literally have like the most opportune times to come and try to interrupt whenever we're trying to get a little moment freaky like yo. And the thing is, we picked creep because we tried. I think we told you before about the whole closet situation. We try to wait till late late at night, tired, and they still be up or just moving around the house like like you just trying to be quiet, and then you're here, momy, what are

you doing? Like go read a book or do something. And the best is just like I want to get in the middle, like that's Cairo and Cass this thing the middle and they fight for like who's in the middle, Like who's in the middle in the middle of nothing. Okay, But the best part for me, at least after your story time, was the fact that you said when I said, you know, let me just wait till cats falls asleep. I my body. Whenever I'm tired, We'll just shut down. I don't care what I want. I could be hungry.

I could just be like, you know, I might need something. At that point in time, I had to pee, but I just won't get up because I'm just that tired. Meanwhile, Deval is just like, oh, she said, if you said I can get something, I'm gonna stay up. You don't care how tired you are. Was one time on his deathbed, I kid, y'all not. This man had like a hundred and four fever, And I thought to myself, Oh, I'm good, I'm good tonight. I got Jackson in bed, he's sick

like I'm good. And I got in bed. Who's rolling his little hot ass over onto me. Yea, I was trying to give you this warm wood. Imagine what that feel like, it's warmed up. I was trying to teach that, guys, you're welcome. You're welcome. Imagine that feeling. That is so weird. Yeah, he heated that thing up for you. So today we're going to discuss intimacy, of course, in a relationship, but we're gonna take a deep dive into the changes that

happened in a relationship when you have kids. Number One, um as both of your body changes, and we're gonna go back a little bit to talk about some of the issues Condine and I have had and some of the unresolved issues, and then speak a little bit about how we're working to fix them, because we're both unfinished products, absolutely still working on stuff, still working on some stuff, and we think it's only fair. You know, we've spoken

in the past about sex and intimacy. We've had some experts on the show, but we listen to letters about intimacy and time and finding time for your balance and how me, particularly from women, how I'm able to balance everything and the wants and the needs of my spouse,

like how that happens. So think about this as like part three of our unofficial Intimacy series, where we talk about a couple of things and how it's worked for us or not worked for us over the span of our eighteen year relationship and almost ten years, and also an update to to where we are. I think that we are transparent with you guys, and for sure we want to let you guys know that we're still working, you know, just like all of you guys are still working.

We don't have the magic potion because some guys ask me like, yo, bro, how to do Ask me, say, bro, how you get condin to want to have sex on the time? And I was like, what make you think that want to have sex on time? Watching a one minute video? Watch you on Instagram and you still make you all into each other. And that's when I had to realize, like, you know what, I think we should you know, let people know that you know, we're just

still an ongoing process. It is, and we've said time on time and time again that this podcast for us is almost like a level of therapy where we're able to talk about things and there's always a new revelation whenever we sit down in these chairs side by side. So and we just had an argument a couple of days ago, I mean, it's only right to share share with the family. Let y'all know what's going on. Our spiraling off of your story about Thursday with Kaz leads

us to another dramatic Friday. You will not believe the theatrics that went down in our household when we're trying to get out the house for date night. My kids have a way of making me feel so guilty about leaving the house sometimes just to go spend time with day, Daddy like yo, full on, full on Academy Award performance Cairo trying, full tears, teams reaching out in slow motion. Right, it was all stead brother, Daddy is out of here

with your mom's bro. He really was. And he was like and then there was like the choking, hyper ventilating the coffee. He was about to vomit, like there was all that going on and that was just his night. Jackson has his nights when he's just like, I want you to leave, Like it's almost as if they rotate, like let me tag you in, it's you tonight, like this is the hey, this is you had the first Friday of the month. I had the last Friday of the month, and cash you pop up randomly at t

am some mornings and then we lit. We covered that covers three out of the fourth fridays, and then on the fourth Friday, care falls asleep. That's about right. So the val being here frustrated, that's about right. And and this is the truth, Yo, I don't feel that there's enough empathy giving two men who are trying their hardest to be monogamous and not being able to do the things that they are supposed to be able to do with the one woman that they are supposed to live

the rest of their life with. I feel like all them. I feel like all the empathy goes towards women like I feel, and I feel like it's unfair. I'm being honest. It is unfair. It is so unfair. What's so unfair about it? Your your main excuse for anything we do is I had three whole boys. If I talk about washing dishes, I talked about washing dishes. You have so many things, three boys, one eight years ago, one three

years ago, and one two years ago. Still tired and my body is still evolving and changing after those boys. So don't sit here and try to man explain like how I'm supposed to feel. After the fact, I didn't say how you're supposed to feel. All I'm saying that there's no empathy given towards men. Empathize with you because y'all feel because this is what women say. Because we don't have children, our life is easy. We never tired, even though I am the most involved parents ever, I'm

never tired. I've never done anything in my life, and I have no reason to. I'm supposed to just sit here and wait for whenever you're ready. I'm not saying that you're not tired. I I do appreciate you as a father and a working husband and as a provider like all of that. I've said time and time again. I get it. But however, I'm just saying, our body is functioned differently. You are tired, and that does not take away from the fact that you still want to

get some ass. Whereas with me, when I'm tired, my body shuts down and I don't want nobody poking at me. I understand, and I'm like, you know what, let me let me try to do you know, try to figure out a way to balance and do other stuff. But then when it comes to me saying you know what, I think I made me a little more like this is like de Val, I had a baby. It's like, yo, how long are you going to use the fact that you had a baby as a reason why you're tired?

How many It's not just the baby or the actual physical act of caring and having a baby. It's then now we have to then raise the show together, So you throw that into the mix alonge parenting and everything. I'm not going to be able to everything the way you want it. All the way, but an empathy trying to meet you halfway. I feel like that's my empathy is like, Okay, I don't feel like doing it tonight, but I'm gonna muster up the strength to do it.

It may not be the frequency that you want or the way in which you wanted in that moment, but you're still getting it. Now ask the question, because let's be honest. Let's be honest. If he wants to have sex every day, right, and you don't want to have sex every day, that's seven times out of the week he wants to have sex. You don't want to have sex, But he already says, you know what, I know she's not gonna have sex every day, So let's have sex

every two days. So that leaves two more times, two times out of the week that we can't have sex, and only two times out of the seven that we do have sex. You act like you really don't want to have sex, or you let me know that you're

not in the mood. What kind of enjoyable sex is that for a man who's already who's already uh compromise on the fact that he's not going to have sex as much as he wants, but then when we do right, but then a week But then when he does have sex, you have to let it know that I'm doing this because you want to have it and I'm still not in the mood. Do you think that's enjoyable for man? Being honest, do you still get unit at the end. That's not the point, It's not the Point's not the point.

What if men or me, for example, did that to you when it come to the things you wanted, Rather than give it to you the way you want, I just do it in your way and let you know I'm only doing this because you wanted. I would be seen as the worst husband in the world. Think about it. Just think about it for a second. You wouldn't You wouldn't accept that from me. Men want to be wanted

the same way women want to be wanted. Right. You want to feel you want to be romanticized, you want to be taking out on dates, you you want to feel like a woman. Right. I understand that. I just feel like it's daunting for me because this is something we argue about all the time, folks. So when the val be getting into his his ways with it, a lot of times I'm just like that we spoke about this already, Like you can't just speak on things and then go back to doing what you're doing, because then

that doesn't work for sure. And I know for me, I've been guilty of that. I've been like, you know what, I'm gonna change this, and then I wasn't consistent with it. So I will be fair and say that within our relationship there's things that I wasn't necessarily consistent with. One thing that has been consistent with is one of sex every day. That's something that we just that's not just it's not gonna happen. It's not healthy for me either, and it's not healthy for you. And we've and we've

compromised on that. I think there can be a solution, and and to be honest, I think the the solution comes with effort. And that's what I think. That's why I said the thing about empathy. Right, Even if you think about our podcast that we did and I talked

about we talked about chores. Every time I mentioned the chore that I was willing to do as a man, all the women cheered, right, All the women cheered if it was hemping gas, whether it's opened the doors pulling out chairs, paying all of the rent, paying the mortgage, paying the builds, all the women chaired. The minute I mentioned a chore that a woman is supposed to do, all the women was just like she had three whole boys.

So then it's like there is no empathy for a man who was trying to do everything he's supposed to do in this in his relationship to be the best husband he can be and still requires the romanticism and the things you want from his wife because it's not just about the sex for us. And I think that's the problem. When you just turn over and you just throw your butt and say here, you're gonna get your not anyway, that's not romantic to us. That's not making

us feel wanted the same way. Come Valentine is they If Valentine's they happened, and I don't have flowers diamonds dinner, you're not gonna feel special. If I just come in the house and throw flowers that you say here, just take it, you would look at me like, really, that's what I get. But constantly men are approached that way when it comes to sex because you feel like that's

what we need. We just well, I mean to be honest too, that's what a lot of men at least and what in conversation that I've heard or overheard with men, then sometimes they talk about, yeah, I'm just trying to get my note and run, like you know what I mean. And to be honest, I think a lot of women probably feel that, like, bro, you need some release, right if you're gonna get it, get it however you gotta

get it. You're saying it now, which is a little bit different to me, like, oh, so there is like a process that you guys want, So it's not necessarily about hitting it and running. You want a whole a whole episode to happen. You want like something to happen. I think that people confused it too. If you ask a man if you're trying to get his nuts, and this is a man who's not trying to be monogamous, he's probably trying to get his nut. He's on the chase.

So he has the chase, right, he meets different women, right, those women are dressed up, those women out there looking nice. It's the whole chase and the thrill of the hunt that excites him. Right. So when he gets that and he finally gets his release after the thrill of the hunt, he feels accomplished. So at that point, even if the girl is just like whatever, I'm gonna turnover and just give it to you, then there's an accomplishment there because there was a process to get to it. No, because

the hunt was the process. Typically, if you're on the hunt, if you're a single man and you're on the hunt for looking for women, that woman, that's that woman you meet in a in a in the bar or the club, is not going to turn him and say he'd take it. That woman is probably on the hunt like you. So they have that passionate one night stand. That's something that's exciting for the both of them, you know what I'm saying. So now he's he's trying to find he gets the hunt.

The hunt is, he's on the prow he's looking for different women, and once he gets the payoff, the hunt was part of the payoff. So once you found a woman who you want to be monogamous with and the hunt is no longer there because you have the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with and there's no hunt, the payoff isn't this grand because there is no hunt. So now it's like I'm not chasing, I'm not hunting. I'm just she's just giving it to

me this way. So my thing is for especially for husbands who their life can become monotonous if everything is about the kids and then work and then the kids and then work, and then when their wife comes in and then it's just like here, just take it. There's

no hunt there, you know what I'm saying. No, So so this makes me think of like when you talk about this hunt, looking at the course of our relationship over the past almost eighteen years, married almost ten years, it's kind of like the very beginning of the relationship absolutely free. Kids were just getting to know each other.

There's all that excitement around that, and then their transitions into this monogamous relationship where we're together and then we get married and then you have kids and how different things are once you have children. So that's pretty much what you're alluding to, like the hunting part of it, and being in the very beginning of a relationship versus like because montonous. Because like I'm openly saying, and I'll say this a thousand times, your body is going to

be different after having three children. You're gonna be tired, right, and there's there's gonna be times where you're not gonna want to have sex, and I'm gonna want to have sex. We already know that, like that's already a thing. But what I think is missing is that I don't think women understand what's missing for us when it comes to sex. If you think it's just the nut, then you're missing

the whole point. You understand what I'm saying, And there are things that you've done that have kind of excited me that if we like did that stuff consistently, it would add to it outside of just being like, oh, it's just monotonous having sex, you know what I'm saying. So it's it's not really just so much about the frequency. I know for a fact, we can't have sex as much as I want to have sex. Your body can't

take it like with and that's it. Some people say this, right, men and women, it isn't natural to be monogamous, right, It isn't normal, It isn't natural. Isn't normal to be monogamous? Right? I would agree with that, it isn't natural, isn't normal to be monogamous, But I will say this, and this will be my counter argument. You've never been great at anything in life, doing anything natural or normally. You see what I'm saying. So I'm not trying to be natural

or normal. I'm trying to do something great. I'm trying to spend my life and build it with one person, So I'm gonna have to do something great to make it work. It sacrificing, making sacrifice. Anything that it takes to be great takes an immense amount of sacrifice. Think about your greatest athletes, think about your greatest entertainers. They sacrifice a ton of stuff that people who are considered

to be normal do in order to be great. It's crazy when you talk about that and like the level of sacrifice because to me, it's almost like and I'm not trying to make like downplay it or make it seem like it's comical, but to be a great person, I want to just have to sacrifice the quality of my sex life. To me, that just seems crazy because sex is sex isn't if it was crazy? Why is it so crazy for a man to want to have

sex with somebody else? Right? Well, because you like, again, like you just said, it's not normal or natural for people to naturally want to be monogamous. I get it, But I'm just saying I guess because in my mindset where I value sex on my like you know, list of things is just not up there with you, per se, Like I'm a parent now, I have kids, I have

a whole career, like we're building this together. So for me, when I look at my list of things and like where things fall on that totem pole, sex is just not up there for me personally, and it is there for you. But if I say I want to have sex with someone else, it's a problem, right of course. So then sex is up there because that's a note.

That's because that's a deal breaker for you. You You can't say sex and you throw I'm talking about sex within the not want to say confines, but within our relationship. When you throw a whole another person and intad it makes them that just completely throws every Either way, sex is a priority for you because if I choose to have sex with someone else other than you, that's a dealbreaker. Absolutely, So then sex is a priority. The problem is people

making a non priority when they want to. So we got to have sex, and then we have to have like subcategories under it. It is quality of sex, frequency of sex, sex with one person. Like, I guess there's like subcategories to it, because like you're saying to me, now sex not being on my total poll or being far up. Now you're telling me like, oh, well, if I had cheat with somebody else then, because that's always your argument because sex wasn't important for you, you wouldn't matter.

It wouldn't matter having sex me, I guess you having seen having sex, right, Okay, so I have to subcategories sex as it looks to the vow. Yeah, because we're partners, were teammates. Okay, so I need to correct that. Maybe I need to put that little subcategory in under sex for me because it's quality frequency, I feel about it, how he feels about it. I can't just say sex with missing. I can't just say sex and not include you.

You are my sex life. So when I think about sex and I just include myself, I think about myself. That's so selfish. That's why for me, what if I said, well, if she's not willing to have sex every day, that's a deal breaker because that's what I need. That's that's that's what I'm saying, so that's why, but that's why there's a company, and that's also sex amidst children, and which which creates I'm at to drop this down because that creates a whole different entity of problems when you

come with children. Because here's the bottom line, there is never enough time in the day for us to do all the things that we really want to do or need to do. We prioritized by doing the things we need to do first, and then the things we want to do end up at the bottom of the totem pole. Right. And the reason why I think this is an important conversation is because, like you said, sex, sex for you is not as important that one thing always ends up at the bottom, but that one thing is not a

one thing always for me. That's that's a neat thing. So when it ends up at the bottom of your totem pole, but it's high on my total pole, I'm left feeling as if I don't be a cute little exercise for us to do, or even for every married a sexercise, or it's not even just like because that's

a whole another thing. It's exercise. Think of something else, but you know, maybe just reevaluating and jotting down a list of things and where it falls in terms of not because I don't think we've ever really sat and done that as a couple, and I think it may even be a cute little exercise just to kind of see where our head is, especially in this space now, because naturally, being together in the very beginning with what we wanted to needed from each other and for ourselves

is completely drastically changed to now. So maybe that we can might do that on date night next time. You know what I mean when we try to challenge ourselves to keep our phones down, writing down list you just turned date night in the homework night, Well that's better than like you being on your phone during date night or me being on my phone. Like we try to make sure we put our phones down. I'll be looking at you and I'll be into you, and he'd be

ready to go home. And do you know what, So here we all it's still that all roads still lead back to that because it's been a couple of days, right, it's been a couple of days. And speaking of which, like making time for it when you're parenting, like scheduling it in I thought about that if that's a thing or do we just seize the opportunities when they present themselves.

I like the whole season the opportunity when it presents itself because it offers a little bit of spontaneity, which I think the thrill in that was always a good thing for us, and being able to be spontaneous, like the fair of getting caught things like that. I was going to say that that that's fun, but my issue with that is sometimes I'm just not in the mood for sex at all. So it's like, yeah, I could be spontaneous in my mind right now, but like there, if my body can only do what my mind is

telling me to do, it becomes the disconnect. I know, and I understand. I understand. I don't think about I think you think I disregarded a lot, and it's not me disregarding it. It's me like thinking to myself, damn, all right, the kids asleep, my mom's not here. I could totally just like spontaneous, pop up and do something right now, but god damn, I just don't really want to because my body is just not wanting to do it, and my mind it sounds good. But if I can

get my body to respond, I completely understand that. I completely understand that. But but then you have to ask yourself, like if I if I am in a relationship with my partner, right, that may be fine for you, but is everything you're gonna do just going to be based around you and it's just because you're not in the mood or you don't need it, Does that mean that your partner has to just go without it because you're

not in the mood. And that's where the sacrifice, And that's what the sacrifice is because it's the same thing myself in the mood. Because it's the same it's the same thing for men like you. Guys expect us to do things that you want to do even when we're not in the mood. And if we're not doing it, you say that what we don't put no effort, we're not trying hard enough, and then we have to do

it right. So it's funny because I'm looking at our rundown and it's one of the questions, askess, did you figure out any surefire waves to get in the mood when you're in a hurry? I don't know, that's what you think. That's me and and and let me tell y'all sister is my sisters out there, UM, if you're

looking for sure wire, sure fire ways. I think it was at one of the the live shows I shouted out, um, one of the young lady that I met at the mom ference UM last year, and she has a sex toy stop shop online, so I literally sometimes just I had hit her up while back. I said, send me a couple of your best sellers. So that send me a couple of like what's your top threes, four or five skews? Send them to me so I can experiment

with them. Because I'm going to be completely honest, there's sometimes that I have to go to my little bag of tricks. And this is something I'm planning to activate more because you know, New Year knew me, and I'm trying to activate this more. So it may require me to like get myself going first a little bit, just to even remotely get myself into some kind of Got a question and that should be work. I got a serious question. This is a question that I know I'm

gonna ask on behalf of all men. Right. When a woman says she wants to be monogamous, does she know what that entails? By asking the man that she wants to only want to be with them, or does she feel I want him to be monogamous and only want to have sex when I want to have sex. That's a serious question because men don't know. We don't get it. I don't get it. I mean naturally not. I don't think it's a thing where you're just like I don't think we realize maybe I'm I can't speak for all

women but me personally. First of all, I'll always say that I don't think I was adequately prepared for marriage being with one person, Like there's a lot of ship that I just did not know. And that's something that we talked about now actively through like devoce Truth and Caneine's Truth on my blog where we're gonna be kind of recapping the past ten years of our relationship and like how everything started, what our mindset was when we first started dating, to like when we first decided that

we were going to get married. I felt ill prepared for that because I really didn't have Like now I understand the value and having like a mentor someone who's maybe a little older than you that can really say, you know, what says this is that this is what you have to look forward to. These are some of the things that you may have to do when you don't want to do them. One thing I remember, mom,

I'm saying to me prior to getting married. She was and she said it from a place of like she kind of just threw it out there, and I'm not sure where it came from, but she was just kind of like, I just don't start any bad habits that you don't intend on keeping up. And I didn't know what that meant, because I don't it could have been with sex. It could have been with but I didn't

think necessarily I was adequately prepared for that. So for me, I didn't equate monogamy and marriage to just having sex with my husband whenever he wants it, however he wants it. Like, that's not something that I was prepared for. No, it wasn't. So it's funny though, because when I was getting married, all the married men said, be prepared to not have sex. That be prepared to not have sex. I was like that,

I said, y'all, y'all capt him right now. That's because I started the bad habit and having it or whenever you wanted it before that. And then we went ahead and got married and had we had issues with sex before we got married. But I don't think it was

I don't think it was the whole marriage thing. I think it was be prepared to not have sex once you decide that you want to be with one woman for the rest of your life or you're trying to be so it wasn't like or be prepared to like not have as much sex once you have children or anything. It was just like through the course of your marriage and then no. But then when they said once you have kids, forget about it, people did say, once you

have kids, forget about it. But listen, I've heard I've heard things change over time and you find something like I don't. But I'm gonna be honest, I don't think. I don't think it's just the forties. I look at our life the past three years. We've gone through a lot of change because you were pregnant and then pregnant again, and then you will deal with postpartum. Then we were going through transitions with our careers, and then we were moving.

So realistically, there hasn't been any consistency for us to even get in the routine. Like a lot of these things that we listen to things that would help have a routine. What is our routine if you don't have one, and my routine is arguing about this stuff all the time, any think routine about it at least twice a week. So it's funny to hear you say that because I feel like that in turn, because I'll be trying to

figure out the problem a little bit. Man. I think that supports me a little bit because it's like you're saying, Katine, and I will admit that in the past three years, we really haven't had any routine with anything. So I feel like that's in turn, you're saying, Okay, Katine, I kind of sort of understand how you might feel. Maybe we can. I've always said I've always said I understand how you feel. That doesn't mean that I'm trying. I'm not trying to push for change, and I think that

that's what the problem is. I like to talk things out. While I'm trying to figure things out. I'm not blaming you. I'm not trying to take the blame. I'm trying to figure out what the issue is. If we can figure out what the issue is, we can work together. The problem is once we talk out what the issues are. You tend to get defensive and you feel like I'm

attacking you. But my thing is is like, if you can take compliments or you can take me praising you for things that I think that you do greatly, you should be able to take the criticism when I think that you can do. I don't get defensive. I don't think. I know you always say I get defensive, but sometimes the defense is not really me trying to just back my opinion or my views. It's just being frustrated or just being like feeling helpless in that moment, like understanding

that damn you know what I mean. It's not me trying to just defend the way I feel all the time. You tell me that all the time. I hate when you say I get defensive because I can. I can feel free, and I should be able to explain the way I feel about something without you thinking I'm being defensive. Not being defensive. I'm just telling you how I feel

about it. I hear that. But I mean there are people who say they and this is the truth, that they appreciate that I I love my wife, but they don't feel like I give a fair portrayal about people who who do want sex more, needs sex more from their partner. They're feeling and they're always talking about that, y'all.

I do talk about it, but I praise you a lot more than not talking about our deficiencies and what we have and the people feel like, well, they figured it out and we haven't, but we have figured out something. Just for the record, Like for example, and you mentioned it, the closet thing that you that you started doing was freaking dope because through the closet thing, I felt it became spontaneous, you know, so I felt like it was

like random. It almost felt like the hunt, you know what I'm saying, Like like the kids will be going for a nap and you would give me a look and you would walk away somewhere, and then we would go have our time there and we would be trying not to get caught by your mom. And that that reminds me of what it's like when you're dating you only have a little bit of time between classes or

your roommate comes back. Always the best part And just for a quick context, if people don't know about the closet, it's just the thing that Devil and I have now where I'll like either give him a look or I'll shoot him a text message if I'm in another room and he's downstairs or something, and I'll be like, meet me in the closet. And that brings me down to things like, you know, a quickie, Like we were looking

at fatherly dot com, which is funny. I felt like it was necessary to look at fatherly because we're trying to look at it from the father perspective, Like things that men struggle with getting their wife back after having children, and like how how to be flexible with that. So for example, having a wife that her body has changed, she doesn't feel good, she's going through parts postpartum, she doesn't want to be touched because you just had a

whole baby in her, and then it's now breastfeeding. Like there's so many things to keep taking too kind of sinderation. So on the site it did talk about breaking it down to a quickie, so being flexible, um, moving the furniture if there's a moving the furniture or finding a closet or a room. The other night, did we in the den in front of the TV? Oh? We did? That was a good one. That little ottoman was popping

it's a perfect height. But also then also to being prepared for walking, so like having to lock the door, which we don't have locks in our need to lock on our room door. Um, but having locks on the door is being prepared for the kids busting in is their quick way to feed, feed the maneuver so that

they don't catch you in the act or something like that. Um. So that's just funny because you know, there's a different ways according to this this website family dot com that tells you how you can kind of deal with it. And then there's also you know, getting a babysitter or just if you have the means to do that, just allotting the time, and that's when it almost becomes like a scheduling thing. So sometimes scheduling doesn't seem as fun because I like, you have schedule. I don't think it's

a scheduling. I think it's I think what you said is very very important, right because you have so much other things going on, and your body does work differently for you than it does for me. Sex isn't as a priority, so when you're putting around, because I've already admitted that we already don't have enough time for the things that we need in the day. The things that we want always fall to the bottom. So if it's not a priority because your body is just not there,

it's always going to be at the bottom. But I think it's also being cognizant of the things that your partner may need, not only just the things that you need, and say, you know what, let me just find this quick little six or seven minutes, do you know what I'm saying, To make sure that they're taking care of you know. And and I think that we often as people lose sight of our partner while we're doing going through all the things that we have to do as

a family, you know what I'm saying. So, like I said this the other day, I was so focused on building an empire doing this that I forgot the most important part of being a father was time and the time I spend with my son. It's the same thing with my wife. I spent so much time trying to provide and make sure you have everything that I forget the time that we spend as partners. And that's not just the time that we spend having sex, but it's

also the time we spend. What I listened to you talk about the things that are important to you, us going out on a date away from the kids, and letting you be a woman and not worried about being a mom, because I know some people struggle with, especially maybe first time parents, getting out being with each other and then still talking about the kids, right, you know what I mean, which is like, which is probably one

of the sure fire ways. Like I used to do that in the very beginning, and then by the third child, you're just like, okay, Jackson, let me face t have me real quick, text me, text me if you're good. You're good, everybody's reading, nobody's bleeding. Great. But you know,

that was something that we had to learn too. So you know, I think first time parents probably deal with that, especially moms who are very attached in the beginning, and being able to say, you know what, I'm going to take a night to just really focus on my husband or focus on my wife a significant other, how how it works out for you, and being sure to just

let so you know. But it also leads me to is thinking about intimacy and like the definition of intimacy and how that can change throughout the course of your relationship. Intimacy Intimacy for us is not just sex. Intimacy can can be that because right exactly, so, it's also and it doesn't have to even be physical, you know what

I'm saying. Like, sometimes the intimacy is just in being able to like sit with you, talk to you, look at you in your face, Like some of my favorite times with you is date night, being able to just look at you across the table, you know what I mean. Sometimes You're like, I'll sit next to you, and I'm like, no, sit across from you, so I can actually just look at you. And that's sometimes great because it gives me a chance to really just like look you in the

eye and just have conversation like we used to. We don't have a lot of that time because so much of our time is consumed with rushing here, rushing there, you know, tossing a kid in your way, three kiss the keys, like somebody always have somebody has something to do, Like we're gonna be leaving here to rush Jackson, you know, to to his martial arts class. Like it's just it's just always every day. It's literally every day. It's literally um. But I think as the kids are getting older, it's

starting to get a little bit easier. Would you say? I think for me it is because I feel like I'm finally starting to kind of get my body back, and you know, I'm feeling good about myself. I've been working out lately, really trying to like take care of myself internally and externally. Um, do you think it's gotten better? It happens. It's gotten weight. First of all, our sex life is gotten way better than what has been the past couple of years, especially because I think you've gotten

more confident with your body. I liked you and was attracted to you at the through the entire point. Like you always talk about how much you weighed. I think you got up to one seventy. I thought you were attractive in one seventy and you didn't understand it. And what I didn't understand was how can how could she not see how beautiful she is when I can see it?

And I didn't understand that Like that, like when you say you don't understand how someone can need that, I didn't understand how someone could not feel attractive, Like I thought you were beautiful at hundred and seventy pounds and really didn't matter to me. I think you're attractive in a hundred and forty pounds really doesn't matter to me. I just think you look good. So for me it was learning the psyche of my partner while she's going

through things. So I think over years you've gotten more confident with how you look, so things have gotten better. I feel like we're starting to get in a little bit of a routine with the kids because Jackson is in school, Cayro and cats go down for their naps at a particular time, and you're able to find your time in your space to kids naps. And lastly, I think that because we have some space in distance, because

you travel, I travel. The film, when we do see each other, that electricity comes back because that hunt and chased almost right, because honestly them, I'm only going to see her before I have to fly back out. So we get it in in those times where I know I'm not going to be back for a while. Somebody, please cast about in a movie so he can he can go away for a little bit cash deviuce so I don't got to have sex, please please, because I'm tired and I don't need a little break. How about that?

But I mean, the good thing is that the intimacy is there, the attraction is still there, the intimacy is still there on different levels. Um, and for sure, and I know, I feel like your role to me has changed a little bit after kids. For sure. Um, it's almost like you're like becoming Well You've always been a cheerleader for me, but I feel like you have to kind of be You're a cheerleader for me in the

bedroom almost, if that makes sense. Yeah, you're always coaching me up and let me know, Like you know, I'm still attracted to you. I only want to be with you like because I amn't know. Because and the thing is, I am and I'm going to be unapologetic about this. I Am not going to apologize for how much I love my wife and how much I physically want my wife.

I'm not going to apologize for that because we're here so often when when women say, and I get these things, Hey, I had a baby, had two babies, and I'm not the same with my husband doesn't look at me to say, he doesn't touch me on affectionate and I can understand how that could hurt someone. So for me, I'm gonna be unapologetic. I want you all the time like I do. Like, that's just I do. I think that you're beautiful. So I'm not going to be apologetic and say, hey, I'm

gonna curb my appetite for my wife. No, this is why I picked her to spend the rest of my life with. And I'm unapologetic. I want you, baby, You're gonna have to deal with it. Just want to cuddle sometimes, so could we just cuddle? I do be cuddling, but when I poke you, that's not my problem. There's certain things you can't control. The certain things I can't control. Want to cuddle under my fluffy red blanket. I got this amazing blanket. I was just telling Triple about it.

There was a Christian but yeah, I got a really great um blanket that I just like to cuddle. And then cuddle has always turned into something else. But you know what, we'll take the good with the bad. Yeah, you gotta take the good with the bad. It's a bad actually calls it bad. Guys. Listen, I'm standing up for us today, fellas. I'm gonna get some heat for it. I don't give a ship. We got to talk about

what we need in these relationships. Yo. They always say always no. They always say to men like, you know, you guys need to be more vulnerable, speak to your women. And then when we speak and like, I don't want to talk about this no more. You wanted me to be vulnerable and speak. I'm speaking on the things that matter because it matters to you. You know, you know

what we should do this season. We should get you with some men on here, Like how about I turn over my mic and my headphones to a couple of guys to come in. I'm with you. I could talk about some stuff. I'm so with it. And then I think that would be awesome for like the ladies to tune in so they can hear. They can hear our perspective, to hear I got some women to be transparent, right. But but then I will say this, don't listen with the intent to hear us say all the things you

want to hear. Listen. You'll have to tell that as a disclaimer in the very yes, you have to listen to that you can hear how we honestly feel, because what happens is is when people tend to speak about how they honestly feel, it may not be what you want to hear. So you get upset about it, It's not my problem. If you honestly want to learn and you want to get an insight to the perspective of your significant other than what they may be going through,

you gotta be willing to listen. And that's that's the bottom line, because you're gonna do your woman's episode and I'm gonna listen. One of the greatest things that I've done since we started this podcast was listening to sham Booty. I listened to her a lot because I want to understand that dynamic and I feel like I've become a better husband because now I want to understand that things that can help you in that process. You know what

I'm saying. I look at you always learning. I love I'm trying alone, I honestly am I'm trying to do. I'll be sure to listen to so I can hear from other men, because of course I'm only hearing your perspective all the time for the most part. You know what I mean. But that may be helpful as a woman to listen to it and just try to I mean, I mean, I agree with everything, or I may not take everything from it, but it helps, you know, that's

the whole point of this guy's exactly right. And you know there's a point to adds, right, we gotta take a break for that. There's a whole point to that. He's got to get paid for sure. Well, we're gonna take a quick break and move into listening letters after we get into some ads. So stick around, folks. This for the record. There it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons.

In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the return to glory. This is All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realized Tiger Wood doesn't know who he is best in the history of Gaul, no question in my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong?

All American Tiger is out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app. All right, So we went into the email box to see what you guys were submitting to dead as Advice at Gmail dot com you want to go ahead and read the first list to letter baby. All right, let's check this. So all right, So here's my situation. I've been with my now fiance for a total of seven years. Within those seven years, we've welcomed to kids. I am lonely and I don't

feel like I have a partner. I feel like I have a roommate. He comes home, we talk about bills, the kids, and the news. I've spoken to my partner and explained my love language to him, which is physical touch and words of affirmation. I explained to him that I am lonely and I need those things because that's how I connect with my partner. He blows me off and says that I'm too needy. I speak his love language, acts of service and receiving gifts. I make sure the

house is clean, and I don't bother him. He says that I let myself go after having kids, and he's a visual person, but even when I'm dolled up to the nines, he doesn't react. I have a vision of us. I want us to be a team and I want to feel the fields. But I just feel like we are separate and there are no fields to make things worse. To make things worse, my previous partner gave me an s T I one I can't get rid of. So

I can't get rid of. So when I told my partner this year is ago away before the kids, and there was clearly a misunderstanding, I recently had a flare up seven years later and reminded him. He realized he misunderstood, and now I am like a walking disease and he doesn't want that. He doesn't want He's been tested and doesn't have it. What should I do? I've never felt so lonely in my life. Should I call off this engagement?

This is really deep. Um. Based on what she says, it sounds like he may he may have an issue if he says it was a misunderstanding with the s T I, Um, I think it may be a misunderstanding that he was not aware of. That might be the root of this entire thing. It seems that may be the of it, and maybe he feels a little deceived or I don't know. When he says it's a misunderstanding, I'm not sure how it was a misunderstanding. But um, in that being said, maybe that's the reason why at

this point, he's maybe a little distant, you know. Well, I wonder if he felt to see before because they have two kids. I don't know whether he she explained that before the kids are after, but if they had two kids after, that means he was still, you know, and they've been together for seven years and then she said she had a flair up seven years later, So I'm not sure of the time frame there, but it seems like he kind of disconnected a little bit or

clocked out. And it could have also been to um, you know, once you have children and you're you're working, and that there's the bills, and there's like there's certain routine, monotonous, like mundane things that always have to be discussed, you know, like for even for us, like dev just like all right, it's close to the first of the month of the fifteenth that we have discussions about like the bills, Like nobody wants to sit and discuss bills because you know,

that's that's just kind of daunting after a while. And then you know, the kids are the kids, of course it's unavoidable. And then the news. But his failure to acknowledge your love language, I think it's probably also another big issue too. Um so everything else aside him not putting forth the effort to just try to at least give you a little bit of what you require. I think it's an issue, especially if you guys are looking to do this for like the long haul and be married.

I agree if I, in listening to Cadein explain that my biggest issue was that him disregarding your feelings when you've been transparent with him. If you've been transparent, he says, hey, babe, I'm going to work towards it. Let's do this together. That's one thing. When he says that you're just needy and disregards you, that means that he's not willing to put in the work. And that's an issue now. Is going to become more of an issue later on for sure.

So I don't know. I think that you may have to make some decisions about where you want to move forward, because ultimately, you don't owe anybody anything. It doesn't matter if you have children with them or not. You have one inaliable right on this world, and that's to survive by any means necess terry. And the second right is to be as happy as you can while trying to survive.

So if this person is not going to try to help you be happy in your survival on this planet, I say, you just cut your cut your losses, right man, Maybe figure out a way to co parent and you know, yes, so that at least the kids can grow up in a healthy, somewhat co parenting environment. So good luck to you, sith yes, ma'am, all right, HiPE canein and devol onto. The second question. I've been in a healthy, strong relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. He's twenty six

and I'm twenty three. The only thing between us that hasn't been good is sex. Sometimes it feels amazing and sometimes it just doesn't. At the end of it, most of the time, I feel unsatisfied. My boyfriend straight up asked me if I felt like the sex between us is whack, and I answered yes. For clarity, he's the second person that I've ever had sex with, and before him, I can say that I wasn't very sexually active. I acknowledge that I haven't been sexually free with myself, meaning

I don't really know much about my own body. There we go. This issue has made us question whether we're a fit to be together, but we don't believe in breaking up without trying first. We love each other and made a vow to commit through it all. The greatest thing about this is that he acknowledges our struggle and as a man, is willing to do anything to fix it. I would appreciate any advice on this. Love you guys,

I think that they're on the right path. Like, listening to that was so dope, because he's acknowledging that he's acknowledging that he feels that there's a disconnect. And he asked her what she felt, and she was honest and said yeah. But then she acknowledged the fact that there are certain things that she doesn't know about herself. The fact that they're willing to do that and be committed to each other, I think is a recipe for success.

For sure. That's pretty mature of them. For her and for sure, I mean, like you said to piggyback off that I think what stood out for me that was highlighted in this whole thing is that I don't really

know much about my own body as a woman. I can say, there's so much to learn about your body, so much to learn about what triggers you, what turns you on, what turns you off, Like, there's so much that you should learn about yourself externally and internally, and then you can kind of guide him and let him

know what you like and what you don't like. So this might be an actual fun exploration process for you, you know what I mean, to see what you like and try different things, and and you know, see if it means that there's just more touching and feeling going on.

I mean, I think Shan's book would be great for them to even take a look at, or even like her Instagram page, that would be great for her to look at, because that also too, we'll give you a little bit more insight as to things that women typically want, or realizing how you may be different than another person. Some of it is down to anatomy, like just looking at your anatomy, looking at your vagina and saying you know what and understanding why it works the way it works.

And you can potentially unlock some amazing things once you know what you like and and listen to professionals. Don't just run with misconceptions of what you think could be wrong. I've done that, and I know Codeine has done that, and I've learned things recently, like in the last couple of months by by reading Shan's booking and listening to

some of her things she has on YouTube. About Codeine's body, I was like, yo, I thought this whole time, I thought it was me or this whole time, I thought Codein was just this way, And then I found out and then I tried it, and then we had discussions about it, Like he and I were very open about it, and I wasn't funny about it, like, oh, don't go sit and watch the women talk about other women's bodies and whatnot, Like No, I think that that was actually

very gratifying for me to know that he took the interests to know, Okay, we can set this up a nach or we can do things differently. How can we do that? Um, so go out. And it's also too

maybe learning what to not not taking as advice. For example, I've spoken to a friend of mine a little while back about, you know, her husband watching porn and just trying to just like reinvent that or the same thing that he's seen a point and she's just like, what is this And he's just like, now I was watching this video and the girl she looked like she like that and then be out And I'm like, that is

acting like you know what I mean. You have to kind of take some from it and then you know, applying where you think is necessary, but also to I think the la the lines of communication that the two off you have right now at three and six, Um, it's pretty healthy, So keep it up and try some new things. And I think it's important for you guys to know that this conversation that you guys are going to continue to have about each other's bodies and learning

each other is not gonna end. And this is part of the reason why it's important for us to continue to have this conversation, so that people don't feel like, well, I've done it and it didn't work and it's it's over. Because that's this is that has never been an ending point for Codeine and I. You know, it's always been. We have so many other aspects of our relationship that we adore and long and want to build on that We're not going to let sex be the sole thing

that completely ends us. We're just gonna keep working at it. And um, this example, this question is an example because I always get questions like, hey, it about I try what you said and it should didn't work, so and I'm like, well, the shoul didn't work for me neither, because me and Cadine are still trying to find a way. So the fact that they're talking about it, just just

keep working at it. And that's the best part because you did not argue about it and we debate, but we have great sex, and I think in parts of it we have great sex because we're constantly trying to figure each other out, like the puzzle and the frustration. Don't have bad sex. We have amazing but it's just sometimes the route to get there is a little tricky. Yes,

you know, it's a little tricky. So keep at it, folks, And if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, don't be shy, go ahead and email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. Right moment of truth time, My moment for truth on on this episode is very simple. Learning your partner never stops. People look at us and based on what they see,

feel like we figured it out. And I'm here to let people know that we're still trying to figure it out and we're still in love through the process of figuring it out. Like I adore this woman. I appreciate her. I know she loves and adores me. But we're still individuals trying to balance our personal needs and personal warrants with our collective needs and warrants. And the best part of this aspect of life is in order to be great at anything, it takes an immense amount of sacrifice.

So if you're trying to be normal or natural, let's say this isn't normal and natural, then you're right, it's not normally natural. But nobody has done anything great by being normally natural. That was like a two folded moment of truth. I like that, it's moment of truth y And I love you your tights on I wore these on purpose. These are my good tights. You know, this levels of the tight game, but the leggings game, there's

levels to it. So this was a good one today. Um, but I think my moment of truth is something that I actually just clicked to me actually through our conversation today, and that was when I talked about my list of things, like we're sex fell on the total pole and I joked about there being a subcategory when it came to sex, and like different like bullet points underneath that I never thought about adding to the bullet points sex as it

pertains a devot or sex how devot. Maybe I always was just like, well, sex is not important to me like that, so it's just not up there. But I think I need to do more of the considering, like, Okay, it's not important to me right now in this moment, but how my devo feel about it in this moment.

Appreciate that, you know, because I'll be I'll be honest and knowledgement that as frustrating as I get sometimes with this whole back and forth that we go through, like I can say that I probably don't pay enough attention to how you might potentially be feeling in that moment.

So that's my moment. Sure, I want to walk away with that and just let people know or let the listeners know, like it may be worth it for you to really investigate how and why sex or intimacy or lack thereof, how it falls on your partner's list of things for wants and needs and trying to maybe see if we can shift it up back and forth a little bit, you know, that's what's up. I think that would be pretty dope. What do you think I do? I think it's dope sounds. Be sure to follow us

on social media. That's I am Devout, And if you're listening on Apple podcast, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Thank you, folks. Dead as Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie Solgico and No Opinion. Our executive producer t Square. Our associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres. Our chief content Officer is Chris Bannett, our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan burns Head Last but not Least. We are mixed by Andy

Kristen's We'll Fact. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now. It's part of the Stitching network called Substraction that's available everywhere. Getting podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it please,