‘Tis The Season to Know Your Triggers

get the raised, or you gonna get the raised. I have had significantly better relationships with my family when I took them off of this imaginary pedestal and treated them as the human beings that they are. Dead as dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellis Is. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more

important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. Son't we talking about family today?

And it was only right that in talking about family? Yes, I had to dig into my roots a little bit. Okay, we have a couple of options when it came to family songs. You know this top con family. Yes, you say family. However, I feel turned this morning. You know what I mean? I feel turned up. You know, my coffee is kicking in, so I feel like we need to go off. Can you give me a beat real quick? Ready, let's see. We want to see how how well did

our caught onto this West Indian culture. Listen, listen, I am. I am Jamaican by way of flesh. But today it's a little soca. Today it's a little soap into the st vincent side side. Uh huh. This is particularly from our guys in Okay, shout out to you know. I still haven't made Carnival yet. That's on my bucket list to get that. Let me get snatched and Corona needs to go away, I wrote I need fret all right, ready, d D D dingus when we rule, we don't rud

so anyway that week no way moving heavy? Wait wait, I'm Lily with Lily. When we comfortable, I'm not asking move like moving up together? Watch watch watch weay spells it as a child, right, you have no choice but to kind of just take your family ship right pretty much. But as adults, the dynamic changes now because we're all grown as people, and what you're willing to tolerate changes.

So we're going to have a discussion on healthy are creating healthy boundaries with family and how to handle those shifts, you know, because sometimes we're uncomfortable with establishing boundaries because we think that, you know, what, their family. However, there

are people however, however, snatch the ear. They are people. Okay, that being said, tell me about your story time, because we got stories for days when it comes to families, especially family, but this family did this story in particular. I didn't want to single out any one of our siblings in particular, so I decided to tell a story that encompasses all of the siblings, even though it's going to be about one sibling. You know, you got a

brother and sister. I got a brother and sister. All of them at one point have done this all right, So y'all know when y'all got that sibling right, and that sibling is dating someone, then the sibling walks in the house and the sibling is upset. Now the sibling comes to you and tells you everything that they're significant other has done to them. So they're mad. Now I'm over this. I'm over that. I'm done. I'm finished. I ain't I know more. I'm ain't no more as over

as over. So now you say you over? So we over the collective. You said you've done. We done. Fast forward two days the significant others now sitting in the living room and you're like, match, didn't you say we was done? It was done? What is he or she doing here now? So now the significant others looking at you in your face, you're looking at them and they

face and you see them looking at you. When you let them know that I know what you did to my siblings, and you gotta let them know he or she may be done with the eyes you are looking with the ice grill. Let them know he or she your sibling may be done, but I ain't done. I ain't over it. And now the siblings hitting you with the you gotta learn him to let things do. This is between me and him or her. I don't want you to take that energy downstairs. You're making it awkward. No,

you made it awkward. Yes, oh my god. Everybody has been there before, and I have been there with each of my siblings on your side and my side. And it's so true because the best part about all this is that if I'm your friend, if i'm your family, but what if I'm not working with you, Yeah, you're not working with them since person, That's just what it is. That's just what it is, just like an unset thing. But yeah, that that is a great one. So now this is the funny part, right, and this is where

it takes me to this dealing with family. When you're a child, you're told you have to be involved with certain things. Right, So when the holidays come around, a special occasions, weddings, funerals, you're forced to be around certain people. What's the first thing your mother and your father say when you see someone, So you better smile, you better give hugs. When you become an adult, and now you can make your own decisions. He moved, funny, Yeah, someone

so moved funny, she moved funny. So yeah, so almost. I am going to protect my my mental health a form of self care from warm self care, and I'm going to remove myself from all forms of toxicity, as we talked about I think in season two we talked about the toxicity. You got to remove yourself from the toxicity, and then that becomes an issue within your family because now you're an adult and you can make choices for yourself interest that your family is like, wait a minute,

where is the vout where it's Cadine? How come they ain't stay long? How come they ain't speak in the soone? So it's because when you become an adult, you have to start making boundaries to protect your health and wellness. Absolutely, how do you do that? Well, you know what, before we go to that, because I want to go back to story time because tyfically, we tell the story and then it's just like, you know, okay, So let's go back to story time and let's unravel that a bit.

So with story time, now, you told us about the situation with brother, sister or whatever, who have all had this circumstance and We're expected to just pick up the pieces and move on like everything is normal, but we're not over it. So how did that positive or negatively affect your relationship with the siblings? Because I know how it has for me. So so this is this is what I've learned to cover as the oldest, just like you as the oldest. We've also been given that that

title as almost half parent. Yes, because fortunately and unfortunately. Right, So, since you're the oldest, you're responsible to give the example, be the example, but also lead in a way where your siblings tend to look to you for guidance. Absolutely, and just so people know if they don't know our family dynamic, Devo and I are the oldest. Um. I am older by the older than Devout by like four months and cooler she came in. It's all good. Robbed the cradle, okay, um. And then we have brothers in

the middle. So Brian is three and a half years younger than three years two and a half, right, Interest is three and a half younger than me. And then we have sisters Czaris ten years younger and almost literally the same dynamic that we're going through with our brothers and sisters. So what tends to happen as the oldest is that you you tend to give advice or give guidance.

But as the oldest of some of the things that come with that is that you want people to listen to you and all of the guidance you give, and then when you do you give guidance and they don't listen, you feel disrespected. I have felt that in my whole life. My thing is is, you know, you asked me for advice. I give you advice and you do the opposite. Why

the fun you ask me for a vice? Like you just wasting my high A broth want that I have mixed opinions about you and opinions because sometimes I feel like, you know what, I'm going to ask about his opinion. You can give me your opinion and then I take it and I do with it what I want. He gets mad. Devout gets so mad if I say, devou, should I wear this hoop airing or the stud airing? And He'll be like, m I like the stud was like okay, cool. Then I'll reassess that and be like

you know what, No, I really like the hoops. So I come out with the hoops and then you were mad because I'm wearing a hoop. You like, didn't tell you to wear the stud I'm like, I asked you for your opinion, I didn't ask you for the final say, I'm glad you brought that up. I'm going to now, I'm going to read direct direct you to come here. And it's not it's not it's not more to combat. But even though you're older than me, you know, in

your coolger, I still it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter when you ask me for my opinion on my advice or something. Right. I then assume the role of the expert, since you're asking me okay, I assume the role as experts, since you've asked me okay. Now, what Codeine likes to do? Much like my siblings on both sides, they don't really want nobody opinion on the advice. They want affirmation for

what they already want to do. So what you do, like my younger siblings, has already had this idea in your mind of what you want to do, and then you say devout what you think about this, And if I say yeah, do that, then they're like gung hole, yeah go go. But if I say no, I don't do that. Then they're like, yeah, but I really want to do this, and then they keep asking me in different ways until I agree with them, and I'm like,

why do you do that? Why don't you just tell me what you want to do and it's story, that's what you do. But this, but this is what caused rifts and families though, because think about it, and and the younger siblings are not always at fault. I found the fault in myself, like I said before, is that I feel like if you ask me for my advice, you've got to take it. Can't do that to people.

People have their own process in life. We talked about processes before, right, People have their own processes in life. Since I was first in life, I've been successful at things and I've been unsuccessful at things. So I don't want my brother and my sister to be unsuccessful with things in life that I want un successful. So I want them to go through the process I went through and avoid those pitfalls, which is like the parent situation,

the parent child relationship. Whereas with our children, we can see the the obstacle and it's like, bro, but I know, like the shortcut to get around the obstacle. But you kind of have to do it yourself and fail or fall or whatever. So I get that, but there's nothing I've learned though. Just because I failed at doing something doesn't mean that someone else doing the same thing is going to fail because their process may be different, they may have a different gift or talent that allows them

to be successful. I had to learn that throughout life. So what I learned to do what family is I learned to since we're all adults now, right, step back and allow my family and I'm going to get to my parents in a minute too, because it's not even just my siblings. Allow my siblings to live their life.

Stop being an enabler, bailing them out when I know I can, you know, to stop being a crutch and telling them things are gonna be okay when I know it's not going to be okay just so they feel better, and just step back and ask this question, well, what do you want to do? You know what I'm saying, like, you gotta do that to family, And I learned that I got to do that to my parents as well.

Now I hear you. I mean I I think about this story that you gave and feeling the effects of it with you our siblings, and I think that it has, if anything, more positively affected our relationship than negatively. And I say that because, aside from me feeling whatever kind of way I would feel towards their significant other at the time, when I removed myself from that dynamic in their life, it then strengthens the bond that I have with them as a brother or a sister whose I

can just be there for them in that moment. That's why it's like, I don't want to talk to your significant other. I don't want to hear whose side this side that side, trying to take sides. At that point, it's not about taking sides. It's just about me saying, you know what, I'm here for you in case you need anything, but I'm going to keep my opinion to myself and we and I'm okay with just being your

sister and just chilling. If you want to event you want the sounding board, that's great, But I don't necessarily want to have to offer up advice and opinions, especially if it's unsolicited, because sometimes I just want event, you know, So let me ask you a question. You know how people say there's a there's a meme going around a sort on social media that says relationships and not a community projects. Right, I agree, but I do kind of disagree with that because then we'll also say it takes

a village. Right, when you get married, you want the people in your family in your village to celebrate your marri yes, right. If you have kids and you there's things you want to do in life, you ask people for help. Right. So my thing is you can't then say it's not a community project when it's convenient for you to do things that you want to do that people may not agree with, but then say it takes a village. When you need help, you have to make

a choice. So how do you how do you deal with that aspect because we all have family, parents, siblings, cousins who do that when they need you for something, they want all the help. But then when you have an opinion about how they're doing something, they you know,

I didn't ask for that. How do you do right? Well, that's when you have to now set your own boundaries and you have to say, Okay, what you're not going to be allowed is just access to just in and out whenever you feel to, just like, ask me for help or me need you need me to bail you out of something like this is not a revolving door of just something that's gonna benefit you, because then the

relationship becomes very one sided. No, I feel like there's one person that's benefiting and then there's another person who's just always the giver, you know, And at what point are we pouring back and forth into this relationship? You know? It has to go both ways. So I agree that it's not a community project in that you don't necessarily have to include outside the opinions and everything all the

time every time something goes wrong. But if you have a little snag in your relationship, you can then solicit the help or solicit the advice. If you do, you take it, or you take it or you take what you want from it, and then you don't. But you cannot also expect people to just roll over and continue to give, give, give, and you not. You know that I like that, And I'll tell you an example of seeing that. I had a homeboy right who his sister got married to someone that he was not fond of.

He let that happen, didn't didn't trip on it. They ended up having children. So he's you know, the favorite uncle. So he asked, you know, they asked him, can you watch the kids so we can do a date night. Can you watch the kids? Blah blah blah blah blah. So he's like fine, but then when he goes over there, he sees certain things as an uncle that he's just like not fond of, and he just tries to give advice on and his system was like, I don't need you to tell me how to parent my kids. You

could just watch them. So he said a boundary and said, well, since I'm not allowed to be involved in the rearing or raising these children, I just don't want to watch them. And at first I was just like, bro, you're gonna do that to your nephews. And then he was just kind of like, it's not about my nephew. It's about sending a boundary for myself because what I'm not gonna be is a floor mat. And I was like, damn, I'm gonna use that because because it became obvious to

me there that it's really not about the kids. It's about you. You You you like, you have the right to protect your mental health and your sanctity by by saying you know what, you're sanity. You'r sanity by saying, you know what, this situation here is toxic for me,

I don't want to be around. That's it you. He children removed himself, and at times with family will deal with people being toxic because we feel obligated to that relate relationship, that blood relationship, you know what I'm saying.

And then what in turn happening is that he removed himself, and then his sister started to realize, like gang, she had to move different differently because it's like, I need the help, you know what I'm saying, So let me find out what he sees differently, which is very different from even just our dynamic for example, my brother and

my sister, your brother and your sister. We I think agree that as parents with our siblings and our parents specifically, they have the right too if our children is doing something wrong, say something or intervene or discipline to an extent. And I think it's it's important that that could probably be a whole another episode of discipline and children and how that spirals into like family and the trickle down effect of how your children are behaving and stuff with

other family members. But you know, I know that you and I would feel comfortable if we were to leave our brother and sister with our children and somebody was acting up like he can feel free to say. Or my sister at times, I said, you know, you know how she may have felt about something that one of the kids have done, and I appreciate the feedback. I don't take that as a well, don't parent my kids because they're not your kids. And I can never see myself saying that as much as my sister helps us.

So that's the question, here's here's here's also what I had to you know I spoke to him about, was, um, you do also understand that when you're at their house for a small period of time, you get a sample size of what it's like to be a parent. It's hard for people who have kids, who around their children all the time to take advice from someone who doesn't have kids, who you only come to be the fun uncle to now be given. You know what I'm saying,

because we we had this conversation. As a as a parent, I well, first, as a child, I remember some of my aunts and uncle's saying things to my parents. For example, they told my parents that we talked too much. I talked that too much. You're saying the film is devoted back to much. You give him too much leeway to say his opinion. And I remember my my father saying, you have your children, I have my children. Let me raise my children the way I want to raise my children.

And I think my father allowing me to be open and opinion and expressive created who I am to daysolutely, you know, I'm saying. So, whereas your aunt and uncle whoever, may not have seen value in that. They just thought maybe this was a child talking out of turn, or just like being a rebel questioning authority. They might have been seeing it in the mindset like if he goes out there and always has something to say, God forbid, he's in the wrong situation with a cop or something

that might issue. That's exactly what it was, like, Well, I want my son to be able to express how he feels that time. You know. So it's also knowing, you know, knowing where your places in the family. If you're the fun uncle, you're the fun aunt. You can't come in here and trying to be doctor Phil we around these kids. Four seven, I'm gonna need you to back up because the last time my kids were in New York, my brother, the fun Uncle gave him like

a thousand nic season. Bro, Like, you know, Jack, Like, can I have Jane jail? I'm like, you don't even you're not supposed to drink solder. He's like, well, Chriss gave me and really, but that's what the fun Uncle does. Let me ask you another question, Okay, dealing with parents, there's a shift that happens when you become an adult where you realize that your parents are I'm not going to say you're equal, you know what I'm saying, but you have just as much right to live in your

truth as they do. Yes, when did that happen to for you and your parents? And how did you make that transition? Was it a smooth transition or was it? Or is it still? Kind of like I asked my mom, let me not say this. How does that that work? Well? Um,

it's like a loaded, loaded question. Um. When it comes to my parents, I was raised in again, like I've said time and time again, you're I would say traditional Caribbean West Indian up you know, upbringing both of my parents from Jamaica and St. Vincent and there was always the biggest thing was just respect, like respect, respect, respect

and respect. It showed itself in so many different ways in terms of like if my mom calls me Kadin, I'm like yes mom, Like god forbid, I'm like yes, or yeah, it's like what it Sho'll call my name several times until she gets like the yes mom. You know. So everything was just about respect. Um, everything was about the way things looked to the outside world or to

other people. Um. There was a lot of that. So I was always very mindful and very like conscious of like doing things in the way of being myself because I was just worried about how it would be received. And that has affected me, I think in my adult life to an extent to Although my parents did empower me to be who I wanted to be, there were also those those moments where I felt like them, I can't really be all that I want to be in this moment because I have to carve some things to myself.

Um and naturally growing up as a child, you know, my mom being a super strong woman, I mean, hard worker, my dad providing a life than working together. It was great to see that and it was something that my mom instilled in me to be independent and to be you know, my own person and to follow whatever dreams that were like she she she definitely Um showed me

how much she believed in me. So I had a great respect for my parents because I felt like they were affording me a lifestyle to be able to do whatever I wanted of building all of this up to say, and then they changed. However, right, you feel like you're doing all of this not because I had to, because I feel like I can't just coming on here and just be like all my parents like you know, no, they literally did everything to make me the woman that I am today, So I could never take that for

granted or never give them their props for that. However, with me, the shift happened when, like I said in my sound about earlier, you have your parents, particularly because they're who you look up to. Their your first loves, that your first you know, this is what I want life to be people. Um, they were on this pedestal for me where I felt like my parents were just super human, like they were untouchable, they were beyond perfect. They were you know, the epitome of the perfect person.

And that was me as a child, as I grew up as I became an adult, as I started dating you, As I married you, I became a mother, there was a shift in the way I viewed my parents. So you just set that up. So as I started dating you, it was a shift in the way I viewed my parents. Listen, j don't listen to listen to the daughter, some say the city camera. I did not change the way your daughter.

You only said that. I thought you were crazy when I first walked in the door, so I thought you was crazy from some No, I say that to the got older, like I met you at eighteen, so we grew into adulthood together. So that's when I say, you know, I use you as a timeline because we met at eighteen, and here I am, you know, a little older, and I can now see exactly what it was. I had to realize that the way my parents are who they are.

They're human beings. They're entitled to make mistakes. They're entitled to feel a way about whatever has transpired in their life that brought them to the point that they're at now. They're entitled to be, you know, resentful. They're entitled to do feel the way they feel. And I cannot hold that against them any longer. I hear that, but you kept saying like you held them to a high regard. That was level of respect was here. Then when you found out they were human, did like the level of

respect drop a little bit? I want to say it didn't. Yeah, it did a little bit. Be dead ass. That's the name of the show. The name of the show is dead ass. I will say that the level of respect did drop a little bit that in that I felt like, or I do feel like. Sometimes my parents don't own their ships want to say about mine, and it's easy to place blame. Like we all at some point we'll say, you know, something didn't work out the way I wanted

to work out. It didn't work out because of this person, or because of that situation, or because of that. But there's never really an introspective look when it comes to my parents about how did I actually get to this point? Is there something that I did or I didn't do that is now a result of where I am in my life. So I'm glad you brought that up because I have a theory as to why parents and children have so many issues, and the theory goes back to

what you just said. Parents do not like to own their ship, which means they're gonna do the best they can with what they have during the time that they're trying to parent. But as we grow as people and as we evolve, things change and you realize that, you know, what, I should have did that differently, or I could have handled that. With parents, especially black parents, I've noticed it in our parents generation, in our parents generation, in that generation,

they're not willing to admit any fault or anything. So as a child, when you grow up thinking that you're always the reason why something is happening and you're never hearing anyone admit any fault, you start to take all of this on is it's me, it's me as me. Then you become an adult, right, and then your window changes because you you and I say this, because you view the world through the window by which your parents provide.

Then you get to high school, you go to college, and all these other windows open up and you get to see different perspectives on things, and you realize, wait a minute, my parents only looking at ship through one window. Now I have all these other different windows in my house. I see things. I'm a little bit more enlightened. Now, then you try to talk to your parents about the

stuff that happens, and you know what they do. They act like the ship never happened, or they were well within their right to just do that to you and not admit that, you know what, I could have handled that differently. I've been through that with my parents. I was gonna say, do you have a particular scenario like with your parents when you felt like bro? They bro? I mean, I know, but I'm just tell the people because I know, and I'm gonna preface just by saying

that I don't blame my parents. Of course, it's never a blame, and I think that's part of treating them like human beings. They're allowed to make mistakes. We know his parents. There's no handbook to this, like we're flaming it all out. But one thing I did learn, well,

I'll say that, go ahead. One one thing I will say about my parents is I learned to respect my parents more as parents when I became a parent, because I saw how many times, like I looked at myself and I said, damn, I messed that up with Jackson. Ain't easy. It's not easy, and I can look at it and we grew up in a different generation where you're allowed to be a lot more open, you know. We we embraced therapy, So I was generation is a

little bit more transparent when it comes to Jackson. When I'm making mistakes, I'll pull them to the side and like, you know what, broad when I said I was gonna say that, I was gonna say as parents, now we can apologize to our children. We can say that we were wrong, Like I'm okay with that, you know, whereas back in the day our parents were like, well, that's just what happened, and that's just it, and that's just it. Or as a child, no matter what happens, you're at fault.

And you know how they talk about passing on childhood trauma to kids. You know how many adults know that another adult did something to a child, and because that adult is an adult and there's a child, it's either were sweeping under the rug, you know, or we blame

the child for whatever happened. And what happens is that child is going to grow up with that trauma, and that that child is going to take that trauma and unleash it on the whole family, or unleash it to the next person that they try to love because the parents and the adults in the family do not address the issues that they've had, you know, through generation's gonna fess up, right, So there's a whole lot of protection happened, actions,

very adverse protection. And it's it's sad because you start to lose respect for your parents as you become an adult because you realize they faults and when they don't, when they don't admit their fault, you like the hypocrite. You're a liar, right, and you can't even just admit your faults right this moment, Like you don't have to be broadcasted, But just for the sake of our relationship, can we just at least say what it is like?

Can we just be real? Just so? Me and my father had the realist conversation at thirty six years of age. I told you recently talking about me growing up, how I was treated. Um, I don't say that because I wasn't abused, like I was definitely privileged, but my parents put a lot of pressure on me as the oldest child. Um. They got married at one one, so they were raising kids while they were children, and my father financially, was wasn't in a place where he was living in abundance.

So by the time my sister came around ten years later, we was in a way better place. But my father still held me and my brother to the standard by which he started when he was twenty one, and I felt like at times I couldn't do anything right. Everything that happened was my fault because my father, grown up in the house, never admit fault. Period. My father never admit fault, and my mom was always very quiet when something happened. She like, something happened and messed up. She

messed up. She didn't say anything. I think you felt like that un till just recently anyway, like he's still a month ago, That's what I'm saying. Like recently, we had this conversation where he admitted to me that he raised all of us differently. He's a devout I raised you differently because you were the first one, and because I felt like you can handle it. And he said, you know, Tor Brian, Brian follows you. So I felt like if I did this to you, Brian would then

follow in your footsteps and everything would be good. Your sister is my baby girl. That's the only girl I have, so I raised her completely different than I raised my oldest son. So the reason why that mattered to me is because one I understood that, but the fact that he admitted it for the first time ever, because before it was all the same, no you did it, no you didn't. They used to piss me off so much because the way we were treated, the way we were disciplined,

was different. So when you're disciplining a child, he's not old enough to understand why he's being disciplined differently. He just feels like he's being picked on. And a lot of times I felt like I was being picked on. So when I walked back in the house, I walked back into the house with this animosity, even as an adult, that if anything goes wrong, I'm going to get picked on.

So there were certain little things that used to trigger me, you know what I'm saying, and it wouldn't be a big deal, but then it triggers me and I fly off the handle anything like what the hell is wrong with And it's because I'm triggered because of things that happened in our childhood that you never admitted. You know what I'm saying? And I think that we as as adults need to let our parents know when you become

an adult, like, hey, I know you're not perfect. You don't got put on this facade that you are perfect, because once I realize that you're not perfect and you keep put on that facade, you look fake, like a hypocrite. Yes, And it's like you almost want to create a safe space for your parents. I feel like as a child my parents, my parents created a safe space for me.

And being an adult now being a mother, being a wife and stuff, I feel like I now want to be a safe space for my parents, especially because they were not um kind of afforded that type of living in their day because when it came to their parents and their siblings, it was like, let's not talk about it. And I realized particularly with UM, because I feel like my father is very vocal about telling me how he

feels about just everything. UM. My mom, however, is the one who was more of a private person and raised

to be super private. So with her, there was like a hurdle that we had to get over because when I would be like, Mom, just like tell me how you feel about this, or Mom, I don't think you were right when you did this, she saw it as me attacking her, or she saw it as me taking like my dad's side, or taking someone else's side, whereas I'm just like, Sis, I'm just trying to be real with you in this moment because I feel like you

deserve for me to be honest. I deserve to be honest, and I want you to see how you look to to just us, not how you look to outside people, to the world or to the public, how you look to your children, who still look up to you and admire you and love you and respect you as their mom.

But since you got it, like, she's used to being the one to check people because she's also the oldest of six siblings, and I think that when someone tries to check her, she's like taking it back, like what, you know, So the checker has now become the checky,

and it's just a whole hot mess, you know. But we've come to the point where I think we've been able to have really open conversations and I get a better understanding and then greater respect for why she is the way she is and how she feels because she's now open about it, you know. Yeah, And it's It's funny because we we always and you and I both

come from the firstborn perspective. I would I'm interested in hearing what the second, the middle child, and the youngest feel about growing up in the house because they all have different tags. Oh. Absolutely, it's important for people to know when they go visit family. Absolutely know you have a bunch of Yeah, I have some some reference points status because when we do have these conversations, a lot of it is our opinion about things in our life.

But I think so many people can take away from this conversation when we have also to some supporting um facts and stuff. So in a Psychology Today article published back in two thousand nineteen, which seems like it was so long ago but as long as hell um pain psychologists, medical consultant author and speak her Rachel's softness Um, she provided some tips on how to set boundaries with adults, particularly family. I guess it can also transcend through friendships

and work life and all that. But the first one is value yourself and your time. All right, So you're important and you deserve to be treated well. So if people around you don't appreciate you, they don't respect you. Family or otherwise you got to ask yourself, um, whether you really want to spend time with these people or do you feel obligated to how much time do you want to spend like you get to choose that, and you get to choose who you do it with. And

when you know, what's funny thinking about this? You know what? This reminds me of Green Leaf. I watched green were up to season three, I believe, And the first thing I say is, none of these people no boundaries. They're always in each other's business but not checking themselves because their world is just upside down, you know what I'm saying.

But I've also this is another analogy I use. Right, It's easier to look through a glass window and point out everyone else's faults that you see through the glass window than it is to look in the mirror and see fault within yourself. It's also easier to throw stones at other people's glass house because you haven't realized if you're looking at mirror of your house glass too, And sooner or later one of them stones and came flying back over here. And on green Leaf, that happens every episode.

Grace to be running around telling people you don't even do this. You don't even do that, And what happens our daughter somewhere with some dude, It's like, see, you're too busy worried about with them. You ain't watching your own daughter exactly, And that's family. Family we look at We are constantly looking at other people's windows from from our perspective, never looking in the mirror exactly. Valuing yourself and val yourself and your time and your time is precious.

I don't mine is. So if you don't evaluate, and you don't set boundaries and let let people know how much access they have to you, then it can be a recipe for a whole disaster. Um number two, give yourself permission to do what's best for you. So limiting time with toxic people as an act of self love, because there's no shame in that game, you know what

I mean. Like that's hard though, Well, imagine you don't go around like its Christmas your family, big imagine imagine like we just like I'm not going to Christmas year. Then you that becomes an issue, no exactly, because it's like you want to be there for the people who you genuinely want to be there for, but then you run the risk of so and so and so popping up because you know, yeah, cultural norm suggests that you're supposed to spend holidays with family and if you don't,

something that's wrong with you. So then you know, you have this toxic family system where these familial relationships that can be abusive, you know what I mean, in so many different ways. Um, and it's difficult. It is difficult to be able to give the hard no one like I'm not going to be here or I'm not going to do that like I have. I just that's a

real thing in my family. Listens, be popping. That's where ship always comes out during the holidays because you spend the whole year just suppressing everything, not being fake cordial. You know what I'm saying, Oh hey girl, how are you doing? Girls? Exhausting? Yes, that ship is exhausting. And I've learned to learn to love from a distance sometimes,

you know what, I love you from over there? Okay, as my family, right, I don't we don't like I've loved to do that, you know what I mean, Like even just a wedding for example, you know what I mean. You know, such and such as coming to this wedding and you ain't trying to see her. It's great because it's probably a hundred and fifty other people that you

can just you know, ignore, ignore that person. But it's a little bit different when it's those tighter, tighter situations with family, and it may require that you say, you know what, I'm not gonna sit here and be here all night. Let me come in, you know, make my round, say what's up, drop off some gifts to whatever, eats some food, take my to go, tup, aware and be out. Are you that person that takes the type of we're

empty and takes food home with you? Y'all? Let us know, comment, comment, Let us know if you're the person that takes facts facts all right. Number three, Know your triggers and anticipate them. That's me, do that now. Trigger. So, a trigger is pretty much what a cool situation or in events, right, You all have them. They're all different for different people, and triggers can range from like your uncle nosing into your marriage or watching your parents enable and coddle you know,

unemployed sibling. Um your sister whispering about some ship her husband did and you're like, oh no, I don't want to hear that. Um. So You've got to be one step ahead of your triggers. You gotta know what they are. Um, the emotions that arise, So do you get sad? Do you get violent? Do you get angry? Like? What happens when the triggers are provoked? Um? And how is the best way that you could take care of yourself when that happens? Like, how do you what's your response plan?

If a trigger is then it then happens. You know what I mean? I could see a trigger from a mile away, like I'm like a snipe. Oa. Oh, I don't even need a scope to see that trigger's coming ahead. Don't the kids got practicing anymore? It's about time, brother, we're gonna have to head on. I SpongeBob that I'm a head on now. The best gate plan is kids.

I think every parent can attest to that. You don't want to be somewhere Oh damn, this the kids is cranky baby, pinch the baby, or it's like, hey, can y'all come over to do X y Z or come to this event? Damn, I don't got no child care. Like that'd be the easiest way to get out of things.

You learned it here, guys, avoided triggers and just see it. Like, if you suspect that a conversation or a boundary drawing situation is going to be required, then you gotta even sometimes like the plan ahead and know how you're gonna get out of it. You know, be clear about your needs and communicate them. So identifying your needs and boundaries in advance. For example, do you need your mother in law to leave her yappy little dog at home? How much time do you want to spend with your family

or friends? Do you want to be alone? Like? These are so many different ways that you can. Sometimes it's difficult to communicate them because you, like you. I'm just saying maybe for people, they may not know how to tell somebody like Bro, you are a trigger alert, and it's difficult to communicate a trigger. It's like, look, Bro, sis, mom, dad, I can't put up with this no more. I've to do. I can't put up with this no more. And I'm just letting you know that if so and so does

X y Z, I'm out Now. I have to respect that since I told them that this is my trigger, they have the right to exist in their truth. So now that you know what my trigger is, If you continue to try to hit my triggers, that's fine. I'm not trying to stop you from living your truth. Because if you live in your truth, it's a trigger for me. I can respect that. I just know now I'm going

to remove myself. What happens is we as people tend to tell people what trigger us, and they could be living in their truth and we want them to not live in their truth because it triggers me. That's unfair. It's unfair. I don't want you to not living because facades fake situations. You know your triggers, You tells one so that that triggers me. They can choose whether or not they want to do it. So if you choose that you want to continue trigger me, I want to

remove myself and it's fine to do that. Within that comes with the level of maturity, though, Like not everybody is gonna be okay with that. That's gonna be people like, you know what I said, what my trigger is, and that's just what it is. So I'm gonna sit here and I'm gonna still be here and then just be petty about it, you know, and in fight so and in fight, and then it becomes like a whole family brawl. So that's that's like another situation that could potentially happen.

But in protecting your peace, I would suggest that. But let's be honest, Okay, how many people actually want to sit there within their triggers, like sit there while their triggers are just walking around? Most most people, unless you're a sociopath, most people we want to get the funk up out of there. And they feel obligated because it's my nieces christening, you know what I'm saying. Or it's

my uncle's fifty birthday party, so I gotta be here. No, you don't you let everyone know what your triggers are if they don't want to respect your triggers, right and if you have triggers that you have not shared with people and they're internal, and that's on you. And that's what you know. Do you know what you practice? That that brings me to my next point? Practice saying no?

Just say no. You know that it's gonna trigger you because someone so is going to be at this family function and you just know that it's gonna bring up all sorts of feelings. Just don't just say no, I'm not available, and I mean no. A hard no, So off note, it depends on what level of no you want for me. No is no for the most part um, So people have to revisit their no. It could be like that didn't let me check my schedule situation, or it could just be like, nah, I'm not doing that

ship you know what I mean. But at that point, you're advocating for yourself. So if you're advocating for yourself, then you can't be mad, you know. And then making a list of coping strategies. So what helps you get through these these moments with family members or like being upset or rolled up, you know, going for a walk, I'm going to see a therapist, kind of unloading that weel do do do do do do do do do do do. Being in l A and the fact that

it's legal here, that's completely changed my life. There is nothing in this world that can trigger me to leave my place of zin. When I got that green, okay, so you can do whatever you want to do. I got that green and I go home. You talk about unbothered. My level of unbothered nous since I've been introduced to Viola, my man out Harrington, his company, my level of unbothered

nous has been on another level. I've even learned how to do that with k K what you you know, you got your triggers that I got my triggers that you do to set me off? You know what I do go outside a little puff puff pass with myself. But yeah, so, I mean the family, family situations are so complicated. But I honestly feel like we are the generation, the millennial generation. Um, are the folks who ain't taking

it no mo. So whatever the generational hers or family's secret or whatever is, like, we're blowing a whole ship up, blowing it up, like we're not doing it anymore. We're tired of it. Like we want to be as transparent as possible. We're trying to heal from prior generations of abuse and prior generations of family secrets and lies and to see and all that good stuff, because all families have it to a next everybody. You know, where there's love, there's also drama. All right, Um, we are going to

take a quick break. I think now it's a good time. We got listener letters coming up. Um, so we're gonna take a break and move into listener letters after we get into some ads stick around, folks. Alright, so guys, we're back with listener letters right now. Favorite part. I'm to read this one today. It's actually a pretty long, like the whole story, Yes it is, but it's good though. I like when y'all set the scene for us. So we had sometimes we all wanted to answer these questions

and we don't know the context. So let's set the scene now. So I've been married to my husband for ten years. After all these years, my in law is still don't respect me, and honestly, I don't think they like me. I don't really like them, but I tolerate them. Sounds, you know, like typical that happens. A little background. She

provided background when my husband started dating. When when me and my husband started dating, he was the man of the house, his mom's six siblings and his sisters five kids, and all depended on him financially. So when he moved out and we got married, they didn't know how to fend for themselves. He had allowed them to be completely dependent on him. So every week there's always something someone needs something, or they're popping up at our house without notice.

My husband has four grown siblings who constantly asked for money, to do laundry, to spend the right to spend the night at our house. The list goes on and on. I've been fed up, and my husband knows how doesn't know how to say no. I have a brother who constantly asked for things, but I always say no because I don't feel he shouldn't we should enable our family or make them feel they can always run to us, back to his family. They are freeloaders and cannot get

their life together. Over the years, anytime I say something, my husband goes back and says, my wife feels yeah. So I try to ask that he relayed the message as we but somehow he never sticks to the plant. Recently, we had a birthday party for my daughter and his mother and his three adult siblings and six nieces and nephews came and no one spoke to me. They walked in with attitudes. However, throughout this party, his mom was talking about me to my friends and my family and

trying to regulate things in my house. Please give me some advice what you do with the family. Can't do that the whole family away. You can't be Kobe and play air basketball. You can't do that Oh, well, there you have it. Clearly, the issue is they don't not like uses they could have. He could have brought someone else home. I feel like, get married someone else and they wouldn't like her ask either because why their bread

and butter. It's now moved on and it's trying to have his own bakery with his own bread, and you've you've completely came in and pretty much taken away their entire support system and the fact that he was taking care of so many people. Naturally, he's going to feel this battle now between the family, who I'm sure is giving him guilt and grief about moving on. But na, son, you you marry your wife and then you create your

family with your wife. They don't have to figure it out all these adults and whatnot, you know what I mean. But here's the deal. And you see this happen so many times. They say, when you have a son, your son grows up, he leaves, never comes back, he creates his family. Case the mess daughters, that's why we're gonna get a daughter. Daughters typically come back and always take care of their parents. That's what is you know. Typically they say, that's what happens. I'm taking care of my Yes,

me and my brother out at the going. My sister always be bad. But the same thing, Yeah, your your sister and you always talk about your parents. So here's part of the issue when you when you're dating someone whose family is dependent on them, Like you said, they're never gonna like whoever this person brings because now his attention, his resources, his finances is going to go to a different place, which means it's going to be less for

the family. Now you have a decision to make as a woman dating someone like this, you realize what you've already seen. The writing is on the wall the minute you guys get married. Unless he becomes a jillionaire and is able to take care of everybody and his own family, there's going to be an issue. At that point. You have to make a decision of whether or not you want to stay in this relationship or you want to leave.

You decided to stay, so now the best thing for you to do is to get your husband to understand it. Every time he goes back and he says, my wife, remember we talked, you know what's funny? Said or my husband or my husband said, remember the story. The story. Time you go back and you tell what, you know, what my significant other was doing or what, and now your family is pissed. You can't even be mad at his family now because he is the reason why they

don't like you. He keeps saying, My wife feels if he would go over there and just say listen, y'all, we can't do not even we I can't do this for y'all, not more. I can't do this. Then the plane doesn't go on you. The blame goes on him. He made the choice to get married and do this. The problem is he sounds like a people pleaser, and since he's a people pleaser, he wants everyone else to like him and don't care if they don't like each other. You know what I'm saying. It's like he did all

this and then he just stepped away. It was like, Okay, I'm good. And that happens. That happens with families all the time, yep. And I mean the fact that they come to her house and then have a whole attitude coming to like y'all bringing that whole energy to my house. You can stay home for that, Like what was the

whole point of doing that? You know? And that goes to the whole, Like you know, when you have events and people show up and then it's like this one has attitudes with that one, and then she's trying to belittle you to your friends like that she is not

allowed in the household. And I wonder if I wonder if she ever spoke up to his family, or if he's trying she's trying to be respectful of the relationship that he has with his family and says, you know what, you handle your family, and I'm gonna sit back here

and just expect that you will. And he's not. That's going to be a difficult situation for her because if he's not strong enough to stand up to his family, and he's already done so much damage that now the family, everything he does now then like oh, she's making him say that he already set the president. But so so realistically, everything I'm gonna say cannot be done retroactively. The damage

is already done. It's up to you to make a decision on whether you want to exist in this toxic environment. And if I'm you and not for nothing, if this is me me being this young lady here, I'm not doing stuff in my house no more. And they're not invited. I'm just gonna do stuff with my family, invite the people who respect me, and y'all can just kick rocks. And people will say that's petty. You can't not invite

his mom. Yes, I can't. If his mom feels like she can disrespect me in the home I'm making for her son, she don't need to come, and neither does his siblings. You are well within your right to set that boundary. People will always point out the victims sometimes and say, oh, you can't do this, and only yeah, you can set that boundary. If I'm you, I set that boundary because at this point he can't now go back to his family and be like, well it was

all me then never We we dealt through this. We've been through similar situations where people don't like aunts or don't like uncles in my family. You've seen it in your family. So once that damage is done, you gotta set the boundary. And it's unfortunate. Sometimes speak is what it then happens. If you say to someone you know what, I don't appreciate this person's energy. I know that's your significant other, or I know that's your sister, or I know that that's on so and so, but I prefer

to have this person not attend my events. Then it's like you look like the bad guy. And then potentially it requires that the person who is related to not show up, and then you're like, damn, I don't want my sibling or whatever to not come to this event because they have to now choose between you know, but

but I hear what you're saying. You know, they have to choose between satisfying me, but also the significant other who was just like, well, now I can't go, so I'm be home by myself or you know that kind of situation. I understand what you're saying. And then that's who Sometimes it's not fair to the person in the middle, because then they feel like, well damn, what do I do know? The person in the middle is the one who started everything. But this case, right, he's the one

who went back and said, my wife said. So now when your wife says I don't want your family here, you have to relay to them that you're not invited. And the fact that you feel bad about that wouldn't even be happening right now if you didn't go back and say that you got a man up from ear and say, listen, guys, I got married. I'm getting married. You know what I'm saying, this wife, You've been married for ten years, so imagine how long this has been

going exhausting exactly. My wife is my wife is my priority. And we're going to talk about this on another podcast. But for me as a man, once I get married and my mom took and shout out to my mom. You know, we we were talking about parents and stuff like that. But remember when you first got pregnant and my mom wasn't around that much. My mom wasn't around. You know, I felt away because I was like, damn, your mother is always here? Why my Why isn't my

mom here? And then I talked to my mother about it, and she said about, do you know if your wife wants a meddling mother in law in her house, that's her house. You guys are building a family on your own. I don't need to be there to tell her what to do. Her mom is there. The same way your sister. When your sister gets pregnant, I'm going to be there for your sister. But at points you have to know

when to step off. It's a different point. It's a different type of relationship a different dynamic because I do know of some women who have mothers in law that they're just like I'd rather her just not come around at all, whereas with us, we're so close to family. Why is your mom not here? You know? But also too, she was trying to be respectful, respect you know what I may be thinking or maybe feeling. So what we said to her, No, Mom, we actually would like for

you to be around and involved. And it's cool if you want to offer to take the kids, like I ain't gonna turn down. Nobody's saying like, especially my in law is like, y'all want to keep these kids, I will ship them to you. But it's also understanding their history because my mom came from a situation where my grandmother, my father's mother, she every house she went to was her house. It don't matter if it was her daughter's house, her siblings house. She was the oldest. She grew up

in the South, so she took care of everybody. She dropped out of school in eighth grade to take care of her siblings, so that's all she did. So when she went to people's house, she made it her home. So for my mom, it was a little imposing. So as she got older, she realized, you know, I don't want to be that imposing mother in law. So sometimes it's not so much just knowing your spouse, it's also knowing their family history so you can understand. So with

your mom, it was a lack of interest. It was just her trying to be respectful of our space and in her being, you know, being transparent enough afterwards to say to me, you know what, maybe I could have been around, But I thought I was doing this for you guys. I thought I was hoping. You know, that's part of it. Maybe maybe this young lady, I know it's been ten years, Maybe you have a sit down with his mom or with his sisters and say, listen, everything that's being said to you, it's not just me,

it's me and him. I want to be clear because this is how I feel. Once you have that conversation and everything's on the table, they have the right to choose and behave the way they want, and you have the right to choose and behave the way she has.

That's a good idea sometimes that it's things get lost in the shell full when the conversation goes from one house to another, because we don't know even just in his body language or what his family, how he's telling it, so it may be worth it to do with sit down like we enlisted that with our family. You like sitting down with everybody in the room so we can

all be clear and then we move forward accordingly. And if someone chooses to move side ways and you're just like, well they're gonna move sideways, and now that's the way it is. There, you go trying to try to set up a conversation, see if you get everybody together. If you'd like to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. Good job, good job. All right, So we're going to round it

out with the moment of truth? Do you have when did you take notes today? That's right, and it's one thing that you said that became a moment of truth right with dealing with family, create a safe space for your parents to be exactly who they are. Yeah, that's

a good one because everything comes from your parents. You you begin seeing the world through the windows that your parents provide, and your parents feel because I felt this way with Jackson and Kyro and Kaz, that I have to present myself in a certain way to gain their respect. Once you get older and you become an adult, and you create a safe space for your parents to be exactly who they are and they don't feel like they're

being judged by their children. Because even your mom said to me when we were smoking hooka and tom and nine, and she said, how would you look at me if I smoke hugar like this? She was like, no, you know, I have to. And I started to realize, you know, maybe we're not creating a safe space for mom not to feel judged, you know, because kids tend to do that your mom say something, you laugh and sneak up between siblings, and if you don't, if you don't all

the time, and that to everybody. So if you don't create a safe space for them to be who they are, they're not going to open up. And if they can't open up, they can't help you in generational traumas yea and and change things and have open dialogue. So for me, what I learned is sometimes it's not always about the kids. Got to create a safe space for your parents. Oh, I love that that one is really good. Um, I have a lot of things that I say it's my

moment of truth. However, I feel like what sums it up for me is, uh, the sooner you realize that you have autonomy over your time and your emotions, the sooner you'll be able to remove yourself from situations even with family, that you have no place in. And I

think that that's important for people. It's a form of self care that we've been thrown around that that terms so much nowadays, but it's so important to know when you have to walk away from situations, know the importance of boundaries and being unapologetic about it because I feel like a lot of people when it comes to family are very concerned naturally, which makes sense about how so and so will receive it, And in having to always be concern earned about how somebody else is taking it,

it takes away from the way you feel. Um, and don't do that anymore. Stop sacrificing the way you feel just to appease others because you control your own happiness. There you go, You know, I like it. So if you do two of those things, hopefully you guys will be Yeah, you have been a better place for your life, your time, your your energy, your space. Like protect that ship at all costs. You protected at all costs. Well,

I hope you I have fun with us today. Yeah, I think it started off right with the yeah and that was good. He turned up today and you turned up today. Well listen. Be sure to find us on social media at dead as the Podcast as d E A D A S S T h E p O D c A s T. You just love to spell it out because you gotta spell stuff out for people sometimes that's true. People be like dead as the Podcast

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