If you are in a relationship or married, look to your left for tier right wherever your partner is.
That person will not be the same tomorrow.
Dead ass. And if your spouse does not change, I'd be worried.
Deadass.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoued, and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos.
With our voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and I think about the truth.
Were about to take philosoff to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
Story time.
So I could have picked a lot of different stories, a whole lot of different stories. But I want to go back to two thousand and nine. I had just got cut from the Browns and we were playing in the wedding. Andy K was still you know, she's believing to me, so, oh, you get picked up on another team. I looked over at K and I said, I don't want to play football no more. She said huh. I
said I don't want to play football no more? And she said why And I was just like, I'm tired of doing this and it's hard to get back in the NFL.
And she was like, what about Canada, what about Ariata?
There's so many different options, and I was like yo, I said I don't want to play football anymore. Like I made it decision, I don't want to play And after about ten seconds of her looking.
At me, she said, okay, so what are we doing next?
And in that moment I realized I got a rider because she's not trying to hold me to what she thinks I should be. She's gonna rock with me no matter I do what I want to do or not. So I love you.
Now. Look karaoke time, this song came to mind. We have two versions of it, though I'm gonna go ahead with the you know the way it came out.
The fun thing is I only know the reggae version.
Are you serious? It's so funny you definitely grow flat flat? All right, Well, I was sing the version that I know and that you can't. Okay, go ahead, you can follow suit. Changes up. I ain't going through cause I want to be with you baby. Don't you wanna be with me?
Boom boom boom?
Changes up? Because I want a baby? Baby? What you want to be with me?
O operation? I don't even know, Like that's the only version I know.
That's the fact.
What's who sings the original R and B version?
Who was that? It sounds marriage? I don't even know who sings that.
I don't think it's married though, No it doesn't.
Yeah, I remember who it is.
We aging ourselves, you know, Anita Baker. I think it's a Baker, Patty LaBelle and something wonder Mary Ji, it is my wy.
You don't have a listen?
What's the four one one?
See? She don't listen? I told her married four? The four one one that was on the four one one.
I should have known that off the top of my head because that was my album. That's like my all time most favorite.
Mary Elmo Well, now.
Four that was ninety two, ninety two yeah, I.
Was, what was you sixteen? We're gonna take a break right now, are we change?
His spouse is sucuse that I want to see.
We're gonna take a quick break and when we come back, yeah, I'll tell you about the root time.
But what was going through my mind when I told he lost his chill?
Okay, all right, we're.
Back, all right now?
You really thought I lost? I was like losing my mind.
To be honest, I thought you were just in the moment, defeated by the whole NFL culture the process, not having real autonomy over like your future. So I'm like, Okay, maybe this is just not the right team for him, maybe he needs a new agent. Like I'm just thinking, because I just saw how hard you worked through college and then to be a walk on, you know, and then the Lions, like the pursuit of all of that,
it just felt like your your path was being cut short. Yeah, And I felt like you had so much more to give the NFL space. There were records to be broken, there were there were touchdowns to be made. You know, you didn't even get a chance to make your splash in the NFL. And it was almost like for me, you weren't able to live out your redemption story. And I say redemption story because there were so many people counting you out because of your size and because of
who you were stacked against. You know, people who were being drafted in when you were there busting your ass every day. So I just felt like I wanted, like one good season for you to freak killed it and then you move on to the next thing. I just feel like your NFL career, you didn't get to really give it your all, but it was really only because of other people's decisions, not your lack of hard work.
So as long as you felt content like you had given it your all and you didn't feel like you were cheating yourself, then I was okay with you moving on from that because I was going to support you whichever which way you went. So when I met you, the NFL and you playing football was never get an idea in my mind. So I'm like, all right, well that was just the added bonus.
I'll be honest about that. The NFL was never my dream. Like I was content after college being an All American and breaking records and being the first receiver to have seventy five catches two years in a row, two thousand yards over two years and twenty touchdowns. Like I was content with football because I always wanted to be in entertainment.
Yeah, I wanted those stats for you in the NFL. I wanted you to be like, yo, I did this, I made that, and spending yards that many.
But you know, no, I feel you. I feel you because you see me work so hard to get there. But I never saw myself at any point saying like I want to win the Super Bowl, I want to be an all pro. It was always a means to an end. My only goal in the NFL was to make enough money so that I didn't have to be a starving artist. Once I achieved that, I also feel like I lost some reason to play.
So that's why it was easy for me to just walk away, because I knew.
It's different when you're getting up and you're a walk on in college and you got that chip on your shoulder. You're getting up extra early to beat everybody, the workouts, to get extra working. You know, when you get to the NFL and you're a free agent, tryout, you getting there early to it proved to people that you made it and all that stuff.
But then you make it.
And then I only wanted to make a practice squad to make one hundred K to buy as a house, and I ended up making a two hundred and seventy five K because I made the team. So I made it. In my second year, I made the team again. You know what I'm saying. I got hurt, which kind of like I think in my second year, if I didn't tear my meniscus and my btell attendon, my career would have been different because I had the momentum from being a free agent rookie that that was carrying me through
my second season. But also that work ethic and the intensity that I put into training is how I got hurt because I never rested for two and a half years and I ended up tearing my knee. But once I did tear my knee, that created the perspective of what I really wanted to do. Because when you love football so much and that's all you want to do, nothing is stopping you from doing that. But when you can't play football and you don't miss it, and now you have to go back to that routine and there's
other things you want to do. I wasn't able to put in a type of work to make those teams the way those other men were like, that's just the bottom.
Line, because for them that was the that was their passion. Yeah, and it wasn't for you. And once I realized that too, that's why I'm like, you know, for me, it was never about the NFL or whatever money it would have provided or stability. It had done what it was it needed to do for us. It did give a nice little nest egg for the beginning. You know, of course that was we were heartbroken when the stock market and
the recession hit and everything crashed. All that money you invested was lost, But it was just part of your story. You know, nothing ever came easy to you, so you changing paths. The one thing I did have was confidence in you that whatever the next thing was all right.
Because we hear so many women talk about supporting men only having potential. To look at, how were you able to stay so like steadfast and unyielding in your support when all you really had to go off of was
my potential. It wasn't like I had a bunch of contacts in TV or starting training businesses that you knew, Like, how were you able to just be like, you know what, I'm going to support him no matter what it is, because so many women talk about the horror stories of trying to support someone through their own vision that they claim is their vision and nothing happens.
Right, How did you do that? Yeah?
I guess because I was able to watch you through all of college just having that burning desire. There was something in your eye. There was the way you spoke about things. There was the plan and course of actions
that you took. It's always having the plan A and not really a plan B. But just like yo, in the event that I needed to pivot, I could, and watching you make the team in college, well when I got there, you already made the team, but just really fighting for your place, working hard them six am runs that you would get up for, and I'm just like, wow, he really is relentless in his pursuit of being the
best football player in this moment. And then your path to the NFL, seeing how you worked through that, I mean, you had the mental fortitude that I hadn't seen in anybody, no pair of mine had that. So I was like, man, anything he says he's gonna do, he's gonna put his mind too. Because I know I was the same way, so it was interesting for me to find somebody who I felt like, wow, really matched my intensity with wanting to be successful and wanting to say I'm going to
do this and actually doing it. That was enough for me to say, oh, whatever it is he want to do, and then of course feeling like we were greater together. And it could have been part delusion too, because I was just so in love with you, and I was like, yeah, it was in part delusion because I'm like, at that age, you think you're invincible, you think your husband's invincible. Your boyfriend at the time is invisible. So to me it was like, all right, well we're all figure it out
either way. But knowing that I can see those little ten bits of you, like it was easy for you to be like fuck it, I'm not gonna get up and go to run this morning. Oh okay, don't worry about it. I'm just say here, I'm not going to go to a study hall or whatever. Like you really were about your business from a young age. So I think it was part seeing that in part freaking just being insanely in love with you and being like we can tackle whatever it is.
You just gave me my moment of truth, which is crazy because yeah, because everything you said describing me was literally how I felt with you, right. And part of the reason why I was able to to make pivots or changes comfortably was because I knew I had a woman that if.
Shit hit the fan, K can go, Earn, K can go.
You know what I'm saying, Like k K does this, Like she's she's a worker, you know, Like I watched you all of college graduate with honors and be the best RA then a D, then RD like you want RA the year, A D of the year, r D of the year you.
Got your scholarship.
So I just knew that whatever it is that you wanted to do, you were going to achieve it, no matter how difficult it may seem. So I don't want to give away my moment of truth, but it was in part just using discernment to pick the right part that I just know, whatever changes are going to come, I can weather right through that change because she's going to be successful because I've watched her work. It's like faith without works is dead, right, I watched you work.
You don't just say it, you actually do it right, you know, So And.
Call it a level of delusion or a level of faith that we had in each other. It's like at that age, I don't know what was. So that's what a lot of this for me feels like, this was just like a divine connection that we had, because who would think that we really were that invested in each other at that age to just really still be so dedicated to each other at a young age and just
work together, you know. So that's why I don't shun couples now who look at us and they come to our live shows and they're like, oh, we're twenty one and twenty three or we're done, and we look at them like, oh, y'all are babies and y'all have time. But you remember, people told us the same thing. They
told us the same thing. And I think the comfort as we're talking about change and supporting your spouse through change today, the comfort that I had is regardless of the change that we were going through, A, we had each other. B We had a plan, see, we had the work ethic that we put into motion to make it happen, and then ultimately we felt like if it didn't work out, we had each other and wanting to change and wanting to grow and having dreams and goals
and like seeing it and then working towards it. That's the change you want. Like I said in my sound by earlier, if your spouse is not mean to change, then what exactly are we doing here?
This is?
This is I understand what you're saying, but this I want to I want to bring out an important point though, because a lot of times in relationships, the idea that the part that your partner is changing often projects itself as if you're not doing something, so your partner has to change.
I like like a negative, right, and a negative like.
I like who you are right now, So if you choose to do something different, something is wrong with me because I liked who you were then, and I want people to understand that that's not always the case.
Right.
If we look at these facts and status, it says some factors that can contribute to changes in behavior and personality include influence of the partner getting comfortable, and loss based events. Research shows that relationship changes are associated with changes in personality and life satisfaction. I want to stop there at life satisfaction, right. I watched people our age as we are both now on the fourth floor.
It's so far.
It is though, it is hit though.
You get to a point in your life after I would say twenty five where everything you thought was important is not important. As we continue this, I guess that for me, this whole season is going to be dedicated to perception versus reality. Right where Force fed so much information between birth to twenty right because your parents curate what your life looks like, your friends curated, your educators. Everyone is giving you their ideas and opinions of what
life is supposed to be. Once you get to about twenty and you leave the home and now you're in college or you're working in the workforce, and you're starting to travel a little bit further than your front porch, you start to develop your own perspective of the world. And if you happen to meet someone while you're going through this perspective change, that person is going to meet you in that moment, not realizing that you're ever so evolving, because as you live life.
Your perspective changes.
But that person often says, man, I met this person right here, and I love that person that right here. So as that person changes, and then you're just like, well, I don't like to do this no more. And it's just like, what you mean, you're changing? It's something wrong with me? Is it's something I didn't do. It has nothing to do with you at all. That person is evolving. And now we're at forty. I see the world so differently than I did at thirty eight. I see it
differently than I did it thirty five. I see it differently than I did it twenty five. And I'm thinking to myself now, like, man, imagine if I had the type of wife who was just like nope, and I used fictional characters because it's easy because you don't have to blow anybody spot up.
But think about Tasha and Ghost in Power, Okay, all right?
And he.
Wanted to evolve. He's like, I don't want to be in this game no more. I want to be able to and she was like, no, I want you to be the biggest drug.
They that's the man who I love, right, And it's like wow or nothing.
They kid they can, which is a tragedy in itself crazy. It actually is a perfect example of someone being satisfied with their life so they don't want anything to change around them, but the spouse is like, I'm not satisfied.
I know another couple who's the same exact situation, and it's funny because it's not even that so the husband, So I'm gonna say husband and wife. So the wife met the husband when she was young. She didn't have much, a very very sheltered view of the world, and he, being a little older than her, was able to expose her to a couple of different things and opportunities and she's like, oh wow, there's life out here, right, So then she got a taste of what life could be
like if I do a little more. So she started doing a little more. And then she started doing a little more, and then to the point where she's doing now to him the most, and he now regrets that I've introduced you to more because now you're doing the most when I was just satisfied with the least that I exposed you to. So it's not even now that he's looking at her like me. She's just outgrown him, And that's where some of the resentment lies, because she's like,
I want more. We're doing, like why can't we do more? And he's like, you're a completely different person that I met. You met a sheltered, more reserved, more meek young lady who that's why you liked her. But now she's more outspoken and she a chief things. She's like, I've seen more life, There's more out there. Why don't you want more? You know? And it's like, no one's wrong necessarily in
that dynamic. But it's sometimes hard for people to support a spouse through change because the change, like you said, alters their reality.
You just you know, it's funny whomen we talk about this being therapy for us. I've seen how we've both done that for each other.
Right.
I gave an analogy to one of my homies, Robed Davon. Shout out to my boy.
Rob Robert, Robert meerkats cats inside joke, but we were talking about people having windows in their room.
Right, So I made up this whole analogy. Just stick with me. But two kids are born in prison, right, Two kids are born.
In prison, born within the prison, born with.
In the prison in an actual prison.
Right. Okay, So they grew up in life, they each had their own self, right, and in those selves, the only time they could either see each other was when they went out into the prison in the common areas and they started talking, right, so they started talking and you know, they say, hey, you in the prison, what do you want to do when you grow up? And the one guy was just like, I don't know. At some point I guess I'd be a prison guard because
they're the ones who have controlling here. And another one was just like, prison prison guard, I'm getting the fuck up out of here. And then the one kid was like, what you mean you getting about of here? Like you sound crazy? Like this is what life is. They had an argument. They go back into their rooms. The one kid who said he wanted to be a prison guard he had just to sell, right, just to sell nothing. The other guy had a window in his room.
So even though.
Their life every day was exactly the same, same regiment, they saw the same people. His perspective was different because he had a window. So since he could see that there was outside, he knew there was more more. What happens when you have a window in your room and you're able to share with someone who doesn't have a window,
you change their perspective. And sometimes if you can change someone's perspective and they go when they travel, they can bring you up and now change your perspective and a lot of ways you and I have done that for each other because we were both both very sheltered.
Yes, growing up definitely, And.
It was like there were ways that you showed me different things, like I didn't travel that much out of the country, and now you can't stop me from wanting to go someplace.
You know what I'm saying.
There are different lifestyles. I, since I was able to make money at a younger age, was able to show you how to travel differently. And now you like, oh we can go first class, were going to private jet, we can get a yacht, you.
Know what I'm saying.
And now it's like you exposed me to travel in and now I exposed you how I like to travel, and now you want to travel like that.
And it's like we keep showing each other windows.
Windows, and we keep changing.
And I want to implore couples to not look at change in your spouse as a reflection of you not being enough, but just look at it as man I opened up a window, the window to my spouse so that that person can see more, and just be like, yo, take me with.
You, and you can blow that joint together and run off into the subset. But you see what I'm saying this is a really good analogy. Listening to you talk really made me take enogy. But look at us opening windows here during this conversation.
No, seriously, Like.
Having a conversation really made me think about it, Like when you have changed, when your spouse is beginning to change, that should be a positive sign that evolution is happening. And start asking questions. Well rather than being like why are you changing? Why don't you do this? Be like whoa what? What sparked this change?
Right?
Try to get an understanding of what that change is and see if you can be involved in that change because you don't know how that's going to open up a window when you're mad.
That's true because it could be exciting, Like it doesn't have to like complacency for a lot of people is comfortable, yes, right, but for others it's not. Complacency is like what's next? I need to keep moving, So keep opening each other's windows up, y'all. That's such a great analogy. And this is literally how to valoce and be talking to like without Mike's, without cameras, without her crew, Like this is like a random conversation over dinner. Whatno, no, It.
Really gave me an epiphany.
Like I went to look at some of these tips, but like even some of these tips, it says, communicate, ask your partner for their views on things, and communicate about changes. Right, I haven't read these, but that's what we just talked about. Be empathetic. Try to understand your partner's perspective. We talked about that show support. Let your partner know you care about them and that you support them when they are down.
That's something devas that you want to retire. I'm all right, So literally, what we gotta do? What we're doing.
It says create shared experiences, go for a walk, cook together, or try to share something they like.
Yep.
Travel you've been trying to get me downstairs to play pool some days. You know, I'm watching movies together. I was never a big movie buff. Now you can't get me out and not watch the movie.
You know what's funny? Yep, I just can't. I have a whole like the windows opening right now. Okay, but even on my moment of truth, why do people say marriage is important in general because.
You have a companions.
There's this whole thing about marriage. If a man doesn't bring this to the table, he's worthless. If a woman doesn't bring this to the table, she's worthless. I'm gonna tell you how full of shit all of that is. Right, As from a man's perspective, if women are chasing.
High value men, high value men are.
Just men who make a certain amount of money, believe in God, take care of themselves, blah blah blah. There is nothing a woman can do for that man that he can't pay someone to do, which means whatever she's bringing to him has to be deep more than that. And just she can cook, she can clean, she fucks, she's pretty. Because he can get all of that, he's a high he can get all of that free. Do you know what it is a woman can bring to a man other than just nurture and like nursing him
opening his mind to evolution? Seriously, because if you, as a woman, can make this man something further and create more and do more, all he's going to do is grow and to be a better version of the man he already is.
Now.
Yeah, that's true. That's that's literally us like and.
That's right same you want to high value woman.
Right, If a high value woman says I got degrees, I earn my own money.
I stay in shape. I do.
There's nothing that a man can do for that woman that she can't pay for herself. Right, she's if she got five degrees, she is a high earner and she don't property, so then she don't need a man for protection. She can hire a security service. She don't got to cook and clean. She already stays in shape. If she want to fuck, she can find a young boy that she can just be like, Yo, I'll take you to buy some ps fives and you can come by the house.
When you come by the house, we can fuck. Like I'm just being honest.
A high value woman does not need anything but her mind expanded. And that's why marriage is so important. You have two different perspectives, and the further apart the perspectives, if these two people are working in synergies to be together, the greater the windows because now her perspective is so different from his perspective.
The rules that can be so much kitty and the uniqueness and them, you know, really, just oh, that's that's a good one.
It just it just hit me why change is so important in marriage and how it broadens the horizons and opens up the windows and changes the perspective in talking. This is why talking to someone who has a different perspective is important because when you started talking, it hit me, right, Oh, I ain't think about that.
That's just like a human thing in general, because it's like, okay, one human being. Because this is like thinking about same sex couples, for example, one just may have a completely different perspective than the other. Yes, So it's like if you're bringing something that things that are so different, but you guys united in similarities. That's really just another way to further expand on how the relationship can grow deeper.
You're then empowered to go out into the world and conquer and achieve and do all the things that you want to do. Like that's literally you're right, that's what we do.
That's what we do, is you know we do, And that's why marriage is so important. That's why friendships and relationships.
Are so Friendships are the same thing, right.
Stop Stop looking for friends that all just believe the same things you believe. Stop looking for friends who live the same exact lifestyle you live, because then if everybody has the same amount of windows in their room, no one can teach anybody anything that's true, and that's why it's important to look for changing your spouse because if your spouse has changed stayed the same ten, fifteen, twenty years, if they haven't grown, that means that they haven't even
pushed you to grow. And you have to start looking at yourself like, damn, am I in the same spot for fifteen years doing it? Because and it does matter how much money you have. Growth it doesn't only.
Mean economics, No, sure doesn't mean economics. It's like you could be a billionaire.
Say you was born into money, he's born into money, and you marry a woman who was born into money. Y'all got all the money in the world. Ll y'all do a city of your house and yaya and do the same things.
It was growth there.
Yeah, you've died accomplishing nothing and bringing nothing to humanity or bringing anything to each other.
Yeah. I'm still on the friendship portion of it too, because I think about how important this is when we talk about the friendships that we choose to engage in and then sometimes letting those friendships grow a go sorry because A it's not sharing the similar similarities also too, as hard as friends when you grow past your friends and you change, then you it kind of catapults you into a different realment like that, Yeah, you're in a different friend group, and it's just like, damn, like the
people who I used to be friends with, the people who I used to you know, be in the group chat with, chopping it up about random things like we don't even have things in common anymore because their windows are not open, right, that is the truth they have any And even if I do say, hey, come in my room and look through my window, there has to be something innate to make them want to make that move, you know, particular with friendship.
No, You're absolutely right, because some people can't see a window and then just be like, I'm not interested. I'm happy where I am, and understanding that that's okay too, right, right, right, even if you do have a spouse who was just like my spouse is not interested in changing at all, finding empathy and being okay with the fact that cool you can do that. I want to change, you know
what I'm saying, Also understanding that change scares people. You show somebody a window, I think it was, was it Sojourner truth or Harriet Tubman truth?
Came up the other day too with us, and he was like.
You said something wild about Sojournal Truth, and yo, I don't think it.
Was the Journal Truth. I was trying to say. I was trying to say somebody else that says the Journal Truth by accident.
Yeah you did.
But it was something crazy though, Like it was something It was something with pop culture.
And he was like who said that? He was like, what was it? The Journal Truth?
And I was like, yeah, in the fourteen hundreds, Like the fuck is you're talking about?
You about something that I can't remember that right now?
Butt ahead, I think it was Harriet Tubman said I freed thousands of slaves, and I would have freed thousands more if they knew they were slaves. Yes, the truth of the matter is a lot of us are enslaved mentally, and the idea of change scares us. So we'd rather stay in whatever circumstance we are in. Because they'll also say this, the devil I know is better than the devil I don't.
That's a fact. You know what I'm saying, to pay yourselves for mental slavery, men, but ourselves can free our minds.
You know this.
This round of podcasts all have the similar message.
Perspective versus reality.
Challenging thing that's been happening for us.
I think it's because that's what it is.
Because so we give y'all the cheat code. So all of my people listening who are in there, like late teens, early twenties, thirties, like we're trying to get y'all to be trying to put you onto game from early from now to be like, guys, this is what you look forward to, because think about it. We had recently said, you said, I can see why my godfather, for example, Uncle Frank moves the way he moves because he's in his sixties and he doesn't see all of this already.
So when you see older men and women who are they're unbothered. They're not worried about the riff raff. Who do we say more recently, oh, Denzel, was it that he just be chiling? He mind his business? States is because he's seen all of this already. He's not getting were like at this age in life, they're not getting involved in all of the heat shady. They're gonna sit by their window, look out their window and like the view from where they're at, y'all can stay over here in prison.
Let's take a break.
Let's take a break.
That's some windows we can look out of in the bedroom.
How did we get here?
And we're back?
All right.
There's a lot of times that podcast went in a completely different because of the epiphany.
But that's also God working because we're talking.
About trying to curate ways to talk to people, and then God gives you a message and say to talk about this, talk about this right now, just to this whatever you was talking about, don't fuck that. God said that to God was like, fuck that.
And that's the beauty of like the podcast that we've been doing with you guys more lately, Like it's not just like finding these really structured topics to talk about. It's kind of like whatever is in our heart in this moment, and we just asked God to be a vessel to deliver whatever it is that he wants us to deliver to y'all in that moment because it's going to help somebody, it helps us along the way, and we love it here.
Absolutely because God be looking down at us sometimes like look at this, Nick, the fuck is you?
That is not what I told you to do, That.
Is not what I said, what I told you how I intended for it to be.
You know what, mute?
Now you can't talk no more. Now you had a stroke? Why because you ain't do what God told you to do? Now look now, look value, you are a mess. How did we get here? I told me to tell you all that too, mass start playing with God, bro, I'm telling them period, telling them.
Let me go first.
All right, hey, Kadeen and the vow sup. First, I want to thank you for doing what you're doing. You are so relatable, You're still young on the fourth floor. That's the fact you offer wonderful advice content. Thank you so much, which is why I'm reaching out. I've been with my boyfriend for close to two years. We live together, and overall he is a wonderful boyfriend. He makes me laugh. He's very caring, kind and compassionate. But that's all that he is similar to you both. My father is from
Brooklyn Crown Heights and he is also Caribbean big up beliefs. Yes, like a lot of Caribbean families, they raised their daughters especially to be a value, to take your education seriously and to be self sustaining. I have honed in on that advice and I'm blessed to have my master's in education. I am a teacher with a good salary. I can take care of myself financially. I'm also a deep thinker,
a knowledge seeker, and I crave stimulating conversations. Okay, a boyfriend is not he barely graduated high school with an acceptable GPA.
How do he become your boyfriend?
Yes, that's a good question. And his only higher education is a culinary certificate. We know how he probably slang in that thing.
Women can't get away from that man all right now.
And his only higher education is a culinary certificate, no degree to his name, no real college experience. His family didn't even stress the importance of education to him growing up like my dad did to me. So in our relationship, I'm realizing it lacks depth. I come with a lot of sight and comes with a lot of insight, perspective,
and knowledge, while he just merely exists. He doesn't seem to know the importance of knowing how to have an in depth conversation or to understand why seeking knowledge is so important. It's one of the reasons I feel we can't make true progress because I can't have a life partner if I can't have deep conversations. Also, I'm the bread winner and I pay more bills in him, so I don't even feel like he's truly an equal partner.
Money is not the issue. Yes it is, but close to two years and he's still in the same predicament while I'm trying to further my career, my bank account and my knowledge. I've tried talking to him, but he doesn't understand. You don't know what you don't know, and with a childhood like mine, I will never get it. I try to explain to him, but I feel like his mother. I feel like I'm with you, Cay, I know what you're gonna say. Why are you still in a relationship? I know.
I feel like I'm telling me everything that's wrong. It's like when you write the pro and con list and it's just contons everywhere. What's the pro? Go ahead?
I break so birth to the table and I'm constantly filling his cup. But who's going to fill mine? Nobody in that relationship salvageable or should I just cut my lasses?
It's giving lost cutting for me. You just explain, you literally just explain and walk through why he is not the right match for you, he's not the right match. I wish I knew how old she was, just how old she was here. No, overall, he's a wonderful boyfriend, makes me laugh, very caring, kind and compassionate. So those are the pros. But that's all he is. That's not going to be enough to sustain a relationship. Potentially caring, kind of compassionate. Now, that's not going to be enough
to sustain it. Sis like you are.
I will say this though, I will say this, it sounds like he's a nice guy, right, But when you're looking for a life partner, you're not looking for a nice guy to be a life partner.
And I'll tell you why.
Right, if you're going into the wilderness, right and you have to fight off bears and you need someone to help you hunt and do all this, are you going to grab the guy who's the nice guy who can make you laugh.
No, you're going to grab the guy who's resourceful.
Yes, and enuity you can figure it out and that and.
That goes both ways.
I'm going if I'm going into the wilderness, right, I'm not going to just grab the prettiest girl to survive in the wilderness.
Because life is the wilderness. We're all working.
I'm going to grab the most resourceful person who if I don't know what's going on here, I can look at her and be like, can you figure this out?
Facts A Mica is gonna look to her and be like, oh, she looks great, and are we going to go into the wilderness and then get killed by bear and die?
And right now says you're on the road to being killed and mauled by a bear. Facts in the wilderness with homeboy facts, I don't got much more to say about this.
And we love that you love love, but you just told us why it's not going to work.
And it's one of those things too where I had a conversation recently with someone and she she was asking me like, how do I motivate, you know, my guy to want more and to be ambitious, Like what can I do to be able to like spark that in him? And my advice was more like, Okay, some people have ruts.
Some people have moments where it's like dam you know, you have your downtime, especially if you're a creative, you know you may not be in a creative mood in the moment you need something to kind of spark that. But there's certain things you can't teach someone. You can't teach someone how to be ambitious, you can't teach someone how to be self motivated, you can't teach someone to want more. You can show them, you can expose them to it, but ultimately it has to be something innate,
and it doesn't seem like he right now innately has that. Now. I don't know how old this couple is. They could be nineteen and twenty one and he's just still trying to figure things out.
So says, you got a master's degree though, so she does, Okay.
So then yeah, ok yeah, yeah, okay, so you're definitely a little bit older than that, I say twenty five, yes, maybe roughly around there. But that there's certain things that you just can't teach, and you can't will someone to have. They either have it or they don't. And I think this is a circumstance where he may just not have been exposed to that kind of life. And though being with you, you would think, Okay, he sees how I'm ambitious, I'm driven, I'm doing all these things. These are the
things I want out of life. It may not be something he wants.
But this goes back to what we talk about a lot on this podcast is using discernment and not being afraid to say, hey, this relationship was what it was. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about the type of person I want to date, and you're just not that. That don't mean that you're a
bad person. You're just not the person for me, and being okay, saying that's cool because I'm not going to settle in my life to make you and everybody else feel happy about how I should live my life, because I'm.
The only person responsible for that.
Using discernment means I can tell after dating and dating takes time.
Dating is not two dates.
You might date someone for a year of two years and saying, you know what, el this two year span, I realize that this is not what I want for the rest of my life.
So we can go out separate ways. You know, that's what I agree.
I just think, you know, based on what she said, I would say, hey, mama, go and find someone else that has the same type of work ethic and will and drive that you have and don't feel based on listening to the internet, what everyone telling you your standards are too high, and you're going to be by yourself because when you're gonna do lower your standards and end up being miserable with someone, I'd rather be by myself with high standards.
Than be with someone that I got to carry for the rest of my life.
So all right, now, good luck to you, says Number two. Hey to Valancadin, I love listening to y'all. I can truly take something positive from each episode, whether it's related to my marriage, family, personal or just parenting in general.
That is the hope.
I love it. When I was listening to the Practice Kid episode, it really put parenting into a better perspective for me. For contact, I'm twenty eight with two kids. My son is nine, my daughter is two and a half. Currently, I'm struggling with my nine year old son constantly lying, even about the little things. We have had constant conversations on the importance of being truthful. We have tried many different discipline mechanisms, such as taking away electronics, writing the
same sentences many times. You must be Withindian hardcore workout, spanking, etc. Have you dealt with this and how do you navigate this with your practice child? Thank y'all much love.
I've dealt with this in my mentorship program. Yeah, there's only one way. We haven't dealt with lying with our kids. But do you know why lying?
Lying doesn't come from lack of discipline. Lying comes from a child not feeling safe to tell the truth. So when you create an environment like what she said, hardcore workout, spankings, writing sentences, this child probably doesn't feel comfortable because if I tell you the truth, I'm going to get in trouble. So you have to create like, stopping children from lying comes from them feeling safe. If a child doesn't feel safe.
Or comfortable communicating with you, they're gonna lie.
Yeah, And if you really want him to stop lying, make it okay for him to tell the truth and he doesn't get in trouble. That doesn't mean you take away consequences. It just means that they don't get in trouble. Trouble means like a disciplinary action. So it's like, yo, what did you do? Let's discuss how to do this again, and let's try not to make the same choice over
and over again. After a while of doing that and it takes patience, they call it gentle parenting and I know a lot of Black and West Indian parents don't like doing the gentle parenting thing, but we.
Do like a hybrid. Right.
My kids are allowed to make poor decisions and do things in real time because I want them to learn to pick themselves up off the ground. So my biggest thing is I let them make a poor decision. We talk about what's what happened?
Why'd you do that?
Like, for example, Jackson, you know, skipping out of his reading and then his grades dropped, Right, what happened?
Why'd your grades drop?
Oh?
Well, because you know I thought that this and this and that and making it hues. I didn't have time, Jackson. You had time. You chose to use your time for other things. I'm not mad, but this is what happens. So you do that, and are you happy with getting a seventy on it on the test? No?
All right, so then you got to fix it, brom.
But what I didn't do was be like you got a seventy, No more video games, no more this, because now the next time it's like, I'm not even telling them my pothect exactly.
It's fair. Now at this post it's fair. It becomes hiding. Those are all the things that you start to kind of manifest in them. Like I love that with our boys, We've given them, like you said, a safe space to be able to say how they feel. So even if it was something that and I had to curb my
own reaction, you did. I to curb my own reaction because coming from my environment where like my mother also too stressed the importance of not lying and cheating, and you cheat, you go to jail, and you go to jail, you do this. There was like this like subsequent chain of events that happens. If you told one lie, you end up in jail, cheat, then you still still you go to jail, don't call me? And I was like, how did we get here? You know what I'm saying,
like how did we get here? So I had to curb the way I reacted to things when the kids did something that was not to my liking. So it doesn't even have to be a lie. It could just be something that they do and I'm just like they're like, oh god, Mom is going to be upset. So it's changed so much now that where I don't react in a way that they feel threatened or they feel like, oh my god, Mom, is so upset. It's more of
a like, all right, buddy, is that right? It's okay, what happened, Hey, mistakes happen, right, No big deal, Mommy, Mammy used to spill things. Mommy used to do this too, right, it's okay, you tell mommy, I help you, rather than them trying to sneak and clean up and then do it poorly, and then they're scared to tell me, And then you're trying to figure out who told a lie, and all of them are thickest thieves and they're never gonna tell in each other. So you really don't know, get it?
You know?
So do you always want to have that? And I love that we have that with our boys. So that your son is nine, there's still time to be able to penetrate that, but not really because.
To middle school that's when they start to become who they are going to become. But ultimately it all becomes about feeling safe. Kids only lie when they don't feel.
Safe, right, feel or they feel like they're going to be in trouble.
They tell the truth when they're comfortable with someone who they just like, okay, this but and what you said is perfect. Sometimes the discipline can even be a lot as long as they still feel safe. For example, Jackson don't do something. He knows he got to get on the treadmill and he got to get it done. But what affects him is how I respond. What I'm saying that I didn't do so and so and so. All right, bro, well you made that choice, so remember what we discussed.
You only thirty sprints on a treadmill. He's like, all right, as opposed to Dad, I didn't do so and so, why the fuck wouldn't you? And now he feels unsafe, he's still going to have to do the same sprints. But my respeton, which is the perfect point, how you respond to your kids as a parent shows them what they should be afraid of. So, no matter how bad it is, if you learn how to keep your cool and stay even and you still discipline them, well hey, yo,
you stole so and so. You know what the consequences are for that.
Listen, And once you have a relationship with them where they feel comfortable and they feel safe, they also don't want to disappoint you. Yes, so if they know the consequence or they see the hurt and the disappointment in you. When the liah is told, you sit him down and you say, babe, do you don't understand that that really hurt mommy's feelings that you lied and you felt like
you couldn't tell me the truth in that moment. I really really want for you to be able to feel safe to tell me how you really feel, because it'll give them then the space to feel like, Okay, yeah, I can tell mom regardless of what it is. She's not going to react, she's not gonna fly off the handle. Yep, We're going to just figure it out. That's always my thing. Don't worrybody, We'll figured out, buddy. We'll figure it out.
We figure it out, We'll figure it right. If only was the same way with me and you.
No, I got hit, I got punched in the chest, I got smacked, I got beat with a belt. It took my car away, took the video games away.
No, not no, not for lying, but I did lie because of stuff like that, Like remember I signed my form one. Anybody who went to Andrews Hurdy Junior High School shot out Flatbush know that if you get in trouble or you you missing an assignment, you gotta get your parents to sign a form one.
A form one shows that you did something and your parents to sign them.
And I signed them ships and gave it to my teacher because I wasn't even trying to hear my mother's mouth. And it really had nothing to do with I didn't want to get hit. It was it was just like it was like, I figured I can't be bothering bothered. I wasn't a liar, but you lied by omission. Yeah, until parent teaching night comes and and they're like, well, miss Ellis, we have these form ones that you signed. And then my mother goes, oh really, and this is
me no eye contact. I'm just looking straight. I'm just straight ahead, like and I if looks could kill. She was burning a hole through my temple and the lady is coming out the other side.
And this was just me the whole time, like I'm not hearing none of this.
Oh my god, I'd like to see you and your boy. I know, I know it gets better. It definitely gets better. All right, y'all, listen the letters keep writing in. We love to hear from y'all. Email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com if you want to be featured on the show.
Yes, that's d E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Alrighty, moment of truth time. Well, you should go first because you feel like you had it at the tip of your tongue when the show first started, anxious to hear what it is. Do you remember what your moment of truth is?
Yes, my moment of truth actually goes back to before your partner has changes. Okay, it's please use discernment with the people that you give your time to, because if you choose the right people to give your time, as they change and evolve, they will carry you with them through that evolution and you will evolve as well, and y'all can grow together.
That's dope, super dope. I think mine is about change in general, because we've had a lot of changes just in general in our lives since the year started. I want to say towards the end of last year, change is good. In most circumstances. Change is inevitable. Fighting the change sometimes can be to your detriment because you never know once you push past that level of uncomfortability, what more is on the other side. So embrace change when
it comes your way. When you have an opportunity, whether that's with a job or a relationship or something really personal, because just a peek through the window of what could be different on the other side is sometimes enough motivation to make you lock in and really lean into that change. So I encourage you all when that change comes along and it's looking good, Ride the wave, yeah, ride the wave all right, y'all. Be sure to find us on
Patreon if you haven't subscribed yet. We got all exclusive dead Ass podcast content over there, more ellis, family content and all day case stuff as well, and you can find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Cadeen I Am and.
I Am Deval And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass, y'all. Cut dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network, and it's produced by Donorpinya and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and Never Miss a Thing.