I turned twenty five this year, y'all.
For the fifteenth time. Yep, dead ass, baby, I can't wait to welcome you to the forty forty club. It's Lyddy over here.
Oh hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's. You may know us from posting funny videos.
With our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We about to take philosof to our whole new.
Level dead ass. Start right now, story time.
This story will take y'all back to August twenty twenty three. I'm playing scout team quarterback for Jackson's football team. Little kids start talking shit, so I automatically go into competitive dad mode, getting outside until the offensive line don't even block the edge rushers. I'm gonna get outside of them so they don't block the edge rushers. I got on my ear maxes on the turf. It's a little slippery. I don't care because I'm in competition mode. Snap comes,
Why lady, why lady? Catch the ball? Boom? First edge rusher comes. If I'm not as I juped him, he fell. What I didn't know what that moment was that he took my MCL with him. So after I did, I went to explode and it was no more ass left. I started running and my leg immediately gave out. They like they're looking at me, like coach the vale, what happened? I said, stop, stop, started, it's too much huther. Go
back to the huddle, go back. I immediately called in the other quarterback, which is a twelve year old kid, and I say, you don't run this play. So I'm standing on the side right. So the jackson comes over the dad you all right? But yeah, yeah, why he goes Your knee is swollen. O, my knee has swollen up. Man big I was on the spot started swowing up on the spot. So I was a little bit nervous, but I can't show the nerves to the kids. So go home that night, get in the cold top, put
some ice on my knee. At this point, my mind is still saying you twenty five divide, You'll be all right for my body. When I woke up the next morning, man, my knee was the size of a watermelon. Yes, and it's in that way since it is now January and my knee still so.
I used to call you Wolverine because you used to heal fast. But uh, you know, when you approach the top of the roller coaster and we're about to fall down to the other side. Baby long, you don't.
Got to describe. You don't got to describe forty like that. You don't have to describe for it. This is very, very wrong. Okay, my knee is taken a lot longer to heal. I am back now.
You are back.
I am back now. But I will say though for all of the end of twenty twenty three, man, I was limping. Bro I ain't never experienced this in my life ever ever, So my knee was jacked up. My body was saying, welcome to forty karaoke.
Yeah, you got something for us today.
I'm gonna take it back to the old school.
Oh how old is it? Forty years old?
The song? Maybe forty? Matter of fact, this song is older than forty.
Oh is it?
I feel good?
Get it? I knew that I would none ran under.
I feel and you know that I would so good, so good I got of you.
It's the moves for me.
My ney really just got sore again, just doing.
Nothing careful now because it's under armor with the shorts to me today to get up.
Let me tell you that up is cute. Earlier I heard me telling you telling them, don't let case, don't let them shame k into putting on makeup. I don't give a ship no more. I'm at forty. I'm putting y'all. I'm doing this and exactly what I was gonna wear today. Because I was about to go to the gym. I had to come and do the podcast. I'm not putting on no clothes. K rubbing my knee, Sure you all right, I'm good, keep rubbing my knee. Go ahead to stop this podcast.
Let's go, Let's go pay some bills, take a break and get you a little knee rub and then we'll come back. Talk about your approach the downwards. It's I'm over here. I'm over here, money, pay bills, We'll be back. Yo, you're you're like that whole story time was hilarious to me because you still to this day challenge all these kids. But I will get the challenge me.
I don't challenge them. They challenge that.
It's true, but I will get you. You'll be holding your own against these little young bucks. Okay, you have for years, for years? What made it different this time around?
Though?
You probably didn't even warm up or anything.
I didn't warm up, didn't have one, yes, I didn't. It was a little rainy, so the you know, the turf was a little bit slippery. It was a lot of things, a lot of elements, a lot of variables that added to the fact that I slightly tore my m c L but or sprained my m CL.
And the self diagnosis too for me.
When you've been an athlete as long as I've been an athlete, you understand what pain is, and you know you're also studying exercise physiology. I know the body, so I was like, it's the inside of my knee. It only hurts when I do this movement. Right here. I can still go up and down the stairs. I can still squat and run. It's just sore when I do lateral movement. That's an MCL.
I couldn't believe it when you hit me that day. I was out on the road and you hit me with the if you swing past a pharmacy or whatever, let me get a little ben gay, little icy hot.
I did not say stock stop compression knee gentlemen, let me tell you come home with like four different competitives. Capping. She's capping. I never asked for ben gay or icy hot. She's capping. But this is the difference and when men become older or when they become older. When Kadeen was turning forty, did you hear how I was bigger her baby, you look great. I wanted to empower her to feel better. I'm turning forty. She lying, you needed Ben Gay? You dying.
It's a downward slope the road, little coasters off the track. Ah, y'all hear the difference this, No, no, no, I'm glad you'll hear the difference in how I support her and empower her and then what I get. So go ahead, keep lying that, keep lying story.
And talking about forty I talked about all the things that are on the downward tick. Keep lying, Okay. All I'm saying is that I couldn't believe it when you called me and I said I had to bring all the stops, the ben Gate, the icy I never asked for ben Gate, asked for it, but didn't. I didn't use it.
I wanted to, didn't bring.
I wanted to be Seve.
Asked you for a sleeve, so she went and got the copper fit. So now I'll put the copper fit on. And Jackson see the copp talking about some Oh you got the Jemmy Rice two thousand on? It should hurt my heart, bro.
I said to what he said, you know you got the Jemmy Rice two thousand joints? Did Jemmy Rice Brett fav joint? Did they be having in the commercials when they be on the farm playing it? I said, Yo, I know what's commercial he's talking about too, because I remember seeing them in that commercial being like those is my idols growing up for football, and now they're all.
Here playing on a farm with regularly dude, the sleep with the sleeve and the back joint. Because Jerry had the back joint on his lower back.
That's the back joint for you in your lower back. Because we've been going to the chiropractice, we've been stretching, and we've been juicing and taking care of ourselves. Shall hear her talking, We're not doing that.
You talking like I'm seventy five years old. We even I've been taking you to the chirocter. Fact that we've been juicing, and we've been doing a drinking, the tumor ic and the gym just shots.
In the moment. We've not been doing it.
Yes, but why you got to talk like this when you're saying talking like a slave. We we's gonna go get better today. We's you coming upon forty?
Y'all hear me sound like that? We wanted to take I didn't not sound like that.
See how she make fun of me for turning forty, But when she was turning forty, I was like, you, glamorous baby, you look better than ever.
And I think you look better than ever too. But what we're gonna talk about is you know your approach to forty, what that's looking like for you, and I just want to age gracefully with you. We're gonna do this stick to being fly the entire way from forty to fifty, to sixty to seventy to eighty to.
I can imagine you talking about me turning turning, talking about me turning forty. I can't imagine what you're gonna say. Then.
It wasn't even just you. I said it in my podcast when I talked about turning forty, I said, did I talk about the roller coaster, y'all run the tape bag. I talked about being at the top of the roller coaster, and it's just like that slope down I think, And.
I said, no, don't do that to yourself. Do not do that to yourself. You know there's no roller coaster.
Take them for you to your fingers.
No roller coaster. We still a baby.
No roller coaster, Yes damn. But you know what's even worse is the facts and stats that Triple put in here for you. Number One, heart disease is more prevalent in men over forty and can be fatal. To talk about the talk about forty, you talking about me feelings making you feel some kind of.
Way, Triple did this. Triple ain't talk about death at all in yours. She talked about your libido. She's talking about for me is fatal? She talking about something forty your libido, Well, for me, I'm gonna die.
Increase libido and wait, okay and hear loss.
Definitely was experiencing that.
Health professionals recommend that men over forty take a conscious or make a conscious effort to engage in stress reduction and management practices to improve their heart health. Baby, So my increased libido will help with your stress decrease.
That's what I'm talking about. Now we're getting the problem.
This is this is ellis math.
No, this is what Trubu said, that that stress reduction and management practices need to improve in order for my heart health to maintain the standard.
Right, So with my increased libido and your stress decrease, by way of that, Viya.
I should be living a lot longer.
Some baby, we're gonna be living forever at this rate. You know what I'm saying. Testosterone decreases about one percent every year after the age of forty fifty. Men ages forty to forty nine experience occasional sexual dysfunction because of this, You know, why not devour ever in life? I don't ever think I'll ever see a decrease in your testosterone. No.
You know why, Why because I work out every day that on these red tights. And here's gentlemen, I don't just do.
I'd be tired, y'all.
I don't do industry friendly workouts. When I say industry friendly workouts or workouts that you'll see like go to the gym and do this to you know, stay in shape, which is get on the treadmill for an hour. Those workouts do not increase your testosterone. You know what workouts increase your testosteron. This is a scientific This is a
scientific fact. When you squat, when you deadlift move heavyweight, that's a boost of your testosterone because it takes a lot of energy, a lot of your testots are on to push that heavyweight. So men who continue to dead life, if squad do explosive movements sprints, continue to keep their testosterone high because you need testosterone to rejuvenate those muscles that are being broken down. A lot of men when they turn thirty like, oh I can't do these exercises
no more. I'm gonna get old, So they stop doing those movements. They stop deadlifting, they stop squatting, they stop bench pressing, they stop doing muscle ups, they stop doing all of the things that young men do, and in turn, it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. You turned yourself into an old man by stop doing what young men do.
So because I squat and deadlift, can that be the testosterone production that's giving me these chin heres? I'm making this mustache so stubborn to get lasered away, y'all? Is it the testosterone in women too?
I don't think it works like that. There's a ton of testosterone that's already in my body that continues to increase. It doesn't work that way for women. And I'm not even gonna joke about that because women used to think like, if I lift weights, I'm gonna look like a man. No, you won't.
You won't.
You won't because K lifts all the time heavy and all the time heavyweight, particularly on the the lowers. But no, in all, honestly though, I continue to live like I'm twenty five. Yeah, so that I can keep my testa too hot, because not only do I want to be here for you sexually, and I know that that becomes an issue for people in this age range man turns forty, his libido starts to drop. Woman turns forty, her libido
goes up. And I was like, yo, what you're doing, Like you been chasing me all these years and now I'm chasing you. And dudes like I don't know how to keep up the way you can keep up. Number one, continue to lift weights and do sprints. Don't go to the gym and just get on the treadmill. Don't do that, go go there. Walk or leisurely walk. Yeah, and walking can be part of your workout. For example, I walk
for thirty minutes before I start my workout. I get my heart flowing, I get the blood pump, and I get my legs warmed up. Then after I walk, I lift my heavyweights. After I'm done lifting my heavyweights, I sprint for like ten minutes ten seconds on fifty seconds off high incline. I go as hard as I can, only for ten reps. And that just keeps my body like moving, like rejuvenates.
I've heard of that chain reaction that some men do experience when you have chronic ailments diseases for example, like high blood pressure. So it's like a almost like a self fulfilling prophecy because you're going to be dealing with high blood pressure issues, which is probably a result of not working out the way you used to or might have when you were younger, then having to get on medication for that that then, yep, causes erectile dysfunction or
any other kind of disease. And then men are inclined to not take those medications because it then interferes with their sex life. So really, just trying to maintain that healthy lifestyle going into your forties is what's most important.
I'm glad you brought that up, because that is actually a real thing. Most men fear going to the doctor because the doctor is going to put them on medication. That medication will then prevent them from being able to do the one thing that they want to do, which is be intimate with their partner. So they say, fucking I'm not going to the doctor and I'll just ignore it.
And I've lost family members that way. I've lost close people to me in their fifties who went to sleep one night, woke up, We went to sleep one night and never woke up and their wife, and the wife was like, you had the medication, all the medications in there, and he didn't want to take it and that comes from heart disease. But the biggest thing is not getting to that point right. Another thing that can and I have been talking about a lot recently, which is funny
because I went today, is juicing. Juicing. There's so many healing factors and natural fruits and vegetables that I think has come to a point now where we have to start stop ignoring the fact that the foods that we eat, even if it's organic, it's not healthy for us.
My dream is to like leave here and go on an island and just have a big farm and do everything my own, because it's ridiculous. And it's funny because one of the facts that we kind of kind of spoke into, men are less likely than women to go to the doctor every year after age forty. Men have seen an increase in diabetes in high cholesterols. So it's important to get that yearly blood work. You're actually going to go soon for you.
You're on top of me with that stuff because my mind typically doesn't go there. But like you discussed before, every year you go get your paps, fear and pap smere. Now you have to go get a mammogram. You're really on top of your health, and you make sure that it's important to me to stay on top of my house. Oh yeah, I like to be proactive instead of reactive. I don't ever want to go to the doctor in here.
I have a problem and try to fix it. So over the past year, it's gonna hurt me so much because y'all know I've cut eaten beef.
I thought he was really gonna have an emotional moment.
I was like, wait what, I'm a Southern boy, I cut pork. I'm from New York. It's been seven months.
I haven't had a bager nigga cheese. No, you're for real. You haven't though, dead ass, y'all. And since I learned about my egg allergy, like, I haven't been having eggs. So the bacon, egg and cheese, Like.
I haven't had a bacon, egg and cheese.
It likes seven months with the bev bev you know what I mean?
Eat it in the morning Asai bowls.
Yo doval. Literally every morning, I'm my baby, what do you want to have for breakfast? I'm so used to getting in the kitchen and frying up some bacon and eggs and all that assieh bowls, y'all, here's the portanola and vegetables, I mean fruits.
My street, my street, rep. It's just going down. I really, let me get a bowl with spinach and.
Granola and enjoying it, enjoying it. So sad, don't be sad. Be happy that you're feeling good, that you're feeling better. It's even a thing where the boys are now, Like Jackson was just eating in a cye bowl for breakfast.
Yes, what, here's here's here's the truth.
It's the kids see.
It without joking because I like to entertain and make people laugh. But here's the truth. You know how we say things are hereditary? Yeah you know what you know runs in the family. You know, oh well that's in your blood. Is gonna have no you know what's hereditary watching your parents do stuff and repeating the behaviorct I told the boys two weeks ago, we have a new model, the new Ellis model. Right, we won't always do what we want because we will always do what we have to.
And it was like, what you mean? I said, guys, you are young men, your boys not but your young men. As young men, you have to understand that in life you will not always be able to do what you want to do because you are required to do what you have to do, and sometimes what you have to do doesn't fall in line with what you want to do, and you have to get used to doing that. And I told him right before we were eating dinner, and I said, look, that broccoli not gonna taste like them cookies.
Spinach is a super fool. Daddy loves spinach. It's not gonna taste like the candy that you eat. But I have to eat it. Y'all want me to be here for y'all, right, And they were looking at me like yeah.
Especially Kirol. Cayrol was locked in. He was like, what I got to do because he's my one kid. Whenever I saw taste spinach, that poor baby be gang and like a motherfucker because he hates the I think it's a texture thing for him. So what I ended up doing with Cairo instead is that I give it to him raw, like just straight out of the package, you know, wash it, and.
Don't ever give anything to my son. Row. Okay, how about.
That, iggy, how about that You're so annoying, But I give it to him that way because I'm like Okay, at least he can still stay you know, you're still geting your spinach in, right, but we can make it different ways, right.
So yeah, and ever since then, Jackson, Cairo, Caaz, they just like bought in. They bought in. Like they go to the pantry, they look for something and they're like that, there's no there's nothing in here to eat to snack on. But you started buying the seaweed chips, which Jackson started to love. My kids love oreoles because I love oreos, and we stopped buying oreos. And they don't complain like they just Jackson just said to me, it is like that you bought the turmeric shots, the ginger shots and
the wheat grass shots. I was like, yeah, He's like, I'm gona take one every morning.
I just want ahead and brought a massifying juice or just for that purpose, like to grow juice, ginger all.
And I'm excited about it. As much as this has been about me for myself being better going into forty, I can't help but look at my sons and say, they're going to be forty year old men at one point at some point, and I want when they are forty year old men to look back and say, my mom and dad prepared me for this moment, so my body is intact to take on whatever new ailments may come after forty years of life.
But also too, I feel good that we're doing everything in our power to make sure that we are not a liability to our children when they're older. Hell yeah, think about how many people have to sacrifice and do all the things for their parents in an older age because they didn't take care of themselves, that is a
fact when they could. So now you have parents who are battling with all these different ailments and chronic diseases that maybe could have been avoided, you know, had they taken a little bit more time, and diabetes are hurt in my family. Yeah, to take care of themselves. And granted, we have more resources now, more knowledge now than our
families you know, generations before us did. But just a little bit like getting up and getting on that treadmill, like doing what you have to do, getting out and just walking for twenty minutes a day, or you know, eliminating something out of your diet, Like I don't want to be a liability to my children and I'm older.
Because we've changed our lifestyle. Like for me in particular, I'm not going a day without working out. And when I say working out, that is at least a twenty minute walk. That to me, it classifies as a workout for today. There's never a day you're going to see dival. That's why y'all always see me in tights or shorts while you always see Kadeen and tights and sports bards. Because look, some points, you gotta get on that treadmill. If it's not nice outside, get on that treubmill and
do twenty minutes. It just keeps your heart going, keeps your legs, your posture, your core, you know, get your mind free.
That was me last night. I felt a little sniffle coming on. I was like, oh no, I got on again the trendmill for thirty minutes, walked, sweat, let everything run out. And then this morning I was like, ginger shot, good to go, and not for nothing.
The oxytocin that's released when you work out, you just feel good, you know, after I get my twenty minutes in that ok, I'm ready. I'm ready first thing in the morning. Wake up. Let me walk on my off days, but on my on days, I'm a walk, lift, run, and then after that I feel good. I'm ready to attack the day. My mind is free.
I love that.
I'm excited about where we are going. You just turned forty, me turning forty. But realistically, it's about preparing our children, you know, because life now doesn't matter to me if it's not preparing for my wife and my kids.
That's the fact that you learned about yourself in your thirties or is there like a big way that you want to end your thirties?
Man, there's a lot I learned in my thirties. I had made this. I'm not made this reality, but I had really thought about this. From fifteen to twenty, you think you know everything. From twenty to twenty five, you know you know everything. From twenty five to thirty, you realize that you didn't know shit the whole time. And then in your thirties you're trying to fix all of the stuff you did wrong in your twenties. And I
feel like that's what my thirties has been. I've just been trying to correct I don't want to say all of my wrongs. But you get blinded in your twenties when you have success early and being a divisione athlete and going to the NFL and having success. Early in my twenties, I felt like I had the world figured out. So you go back and you listen to interviews of yourself, you watch videos of yourself, You think about the things
you've done. You're like, man, I really didn't know anything figured out, but I thought I did so during my thirties. I've just been trying to correct that to prepare for my forties. But I've also realized that all the things
that I thought matter didn't matter. Materialistic things, people's opinions of me, my opinions of other people, my judgment of other people, my mindset, and the things I thought about life as just I've just learned so much more about not being so closed minded and finite about what I think is black and white. Yeah, I've learned to just be open to listening learning.
I can see that, and I'm happy you acknowledge that too, because you've gotten feedback the same way I have, from like family members, people close to us who we thought whatever they were doing in that moment, no, you should do it this way. Like you know that your way was going to be the right way. And I think now you've just been like, listen, I have four children. Those are my only children. Everybody else, y'all can do whatever it is that y'all want to do, because my
focus is these four boys. Everybody else there adults, they're going to figure it out in their own time. So I like that you've done that because I feel like that really some portions of stress that you might I was worrying about other people.
I was definitely, I was definitely gonna say that, Like a lot of my stress in my twenties was thinking that I knew everything and I could fix everybody, and trying my hardest to make you do it like.
This, do it like that they could see them to see and.
Realizing in my thirties that you can't fix everybody. So since you can't fix everybody the same way you couldn't be fixed, it takes a lot of self reflection for someone else to fix themselves. So give people time and grace. That's That's one thing I'll say. I don't stress as much because I'm like, whether it's our brothers and sisters, our parents, our aunts and uncles, grandparents, all of these people that we feel like we figured out a way
and they should do it our way. I've learned to let them live their life the way that they want to live their life and support them in whatever way they can. But not only our family and friends, just people out in the street. You know, back in the day, and I say back in the day when I was twenties, but it really wasn't that far people to ask me for advice and I would tell them, you got to do it this way because this is the way it
has to be done. Now, it's just like they asked me for advice, and I'm open about saying I don't know how to give you advice about your life. I can share with you what I've done, and if you want to do it that way and go ahead. If you look at what I've done and you say, hell no, I don't want to do that, I'm cool with that too,
because it might not work for you. But that's been able to give me some peace in life and not be stressed about doing things one way and trying to be perfect, because there is no perfect.
You know, what do you think you have left to learn?
I think I have a lot left to learn. I honestly feel like I was walking through the world with blinders on for the first thirty years of life. Right. I was talking to Josh about this last night. If you really think about what we learn and what we know, everything we've learned we learned through entertainment, right, So think
about this. Josh was taking a class on directing and they talked about how we learned everything about life through the male gaze, because over ninety percent of productions are with male directors male producers. So when we see anything, when we see a woman, we see it through the male gaze. When we see a man, we see a man through the male gaze. What that realization made me realize is that I've learned about the world through someone
else's perspective. You know, everything I know or thought about life, it was either through entertainment or through news. But that's also just one perspective. So I feel like I have so much more to learn about the world, which makes me feel that much smaller, but also makes me feel like that less of an expert. Even when it comes to relationships, right, people's like, oh, y'all love relationship goals, and I honestly feel like, no the hell we are not.
I don't feel like you can look at one person for anything and say that that person knows everything about anything. I want to learn from as many people. Now, I'm like part of me is wanting to sit down amongst a bunch of people and just listen.
You know, it's funny you say that, because I struggle with just even thinking about me turning forward and all that on this topic wanting to learn from others. It can be so convoluted now just thinking about social media, Like you can literally pick up your phone and like search for anything or go into a rabbit hole of things you want to learn about, but that's always going
to be through somebody else's perspective. Absolutely, So I feel like in our forties or in my forties at least, I'm selective about who I want in my presence, who I want in my space absolutely, and curating experiences where I can learn from people purposefully. And that's my force absolutely through social media or things that are just fed
to me through my phone. And that's why I think I've put my phone down a lot more now, because then you just get into a rabbit hole of everybody else's ideas about what you should think about certain things, and I just it's noise at this point, it's noise.
Okay, I kid you not. I'm now understanding why my grandparents called the TV the idiot box, while my parents called the phone an idiot box, and then why we're going to be calling whatever it is about the oculus, whatever new technology is, the idiot box, because what it's doing is feeding you all the information that they want you to have. But now it's allowing even young kids to curate their own experience, so they only will follow who they want to follow their world, and that's all
they see. The minute they look up and they put their their phone like this, they're just being fed information and they're taking it all this truth. And I'm realizing now that I did the same thing through the television from the time I was young. So it's about unlearning everything I know about life now and trying to relearn it.
So I think in my thirties I took a lot of time to self reflect, and that's why when you hear me talk a lot, I talk about the mistakes I made, and I talk about the things I wish I could have done differently, not so much because I want to seem like I'm the perfect person. That no, I really feel like that, Like, damn, man, what if I just unlearn this stuff and now with a different perspective on life, let's take in more information. I want more people to do that too.
Anything you dread about aging, dread.
About aging, man.
Man.
The only thing I dread about aging is losing time with my sons. Yeah, like the time I have with them now. Think about Jackson. Jackson is twelve. I have six years left with Jackson living in his house, and then he's going to be college. And we are empowering our children to go out in the world and not need us. So there's a good chance, just like me, once he turns eighteen, he goes to college, he may never live back in our house. I never lived back with my parents after that. You did it, and my
brother never lived back with my parents. We did everything together when he graduated college, and then he went and got his own spot. But when I think about that, it's like, man, I've already spent sixty six percent of the time I'm going to spend with Jackson in his house. Yeah, six years left, then he's gone, and I.
Really just be trying to soak up these moments now, especially and when I talked about forty and just really making sure that I'm invested in the space is that I need to be. We talked about just even pulling back from like our social media presence, just to be present present. It's really really I share the same sentiment with you, just like not running out per se, but the time that we have with them in this space.
Because I think about my life at forty, I've only was I was under my parents' wings, you know, for lack of a better word, until I was about seventeen than I was in college. It's only seventeen out of my forty years of life.
I know you spent more time with me, you and you spent with your parents.
Yeah. Yeah, What are you enjoying about aging information?
I love learning, like I honestly feel like I can slow down the aging process by treating my body the right way. What we consider to be good for us turns out not to be good for us. Team No sleep not good for us, yolo. I'm gonna eat and drinks whatever I want because you only once. That's not good for us. So I've learned to adapt different mantras
in a different lifestyle. I'm going to sleep when I get a chance to sleep, I'm gonna eat better, I'm gonna refrain from taking medications that dull or numb the pain, just to get by and really find a solution to what it is, so that I can maintain this body that I only have one of for as long as I can. You know, I feel like I can stay at this version of myself for another thirty years. I
honestly feel like that. I've been doing a lot of research and reading and understanding that if you constantly move, if you eat right, if you sleep, if you don't put toxins in your body, you can stay at your peak version of yourself for three decades. Like there's proven this. There are fact there are men and women who've done it. There are men and women in other countries and different cultures who are seventy who still move like us. Yea, the same man, you know what I'm saying. Yes, So
that's just I'm looking forward to defining the odds. I'm spending as much time as I can with my family, but also continuing to learn the world. Like the world that we see through our gaze and through entertainment and through whatever else we look at, it's not the real world. The real world is the world that exists between when you leave your house to get to work and come back, because those are the people, those are the things you see every single day.
And also travel finding new places and learning new cultures and new customs.
And I can't wait. I want to do a lot more traveling.
We're traveling with you and with the boys, little global citizens. So your perfect fortieth birthday scenario. So your birthday, just to give people context for the past, at least five years have gone to shit because of something interfering. Yes, with plans. For example, I had a huge birthday trip planned for you to Jamaica or last year. No, that was a nice year we had. We got COVID that year and couldn't go. That was maybe twenty one. We moved here twent twenty one. Yeah, so there was that.
A couple of the times you've had either to work, to film big auditions, callbacks. Yes, okay, Yes, your birthday happens to fall around the time when a lot of things get filmed. Yes, However, now that I'm kind of waiting to see what I can plan according to your film schedule, because we're always going to manifest work and all those things. But I feel badly that it's taken away from your birthday experiences for the past couple of years.
If you had your dream fortieth birthday extravaganza, what would that look like for you?
My dream birthday extravaganza would I would be working, but they would know that April second to April tenth is the time that I need off. So of course I would be working on the project because I want to be able to provide for my family. But from that time of April second to April tenth, which is about nine days or eight days, we would travel to Egypt. We will be able to see the Pyramids. We were able to see something that we haven't been able to
see that I really want to see. We will take the kids, we would explore, we would travel, we would come back. We would celebrate Jackson's birthday, because Jackson's terms thirteen.
This year, y'all, oh my god.
So it would be a collective birthday experience, and I would just get back to work. Like the perfect experience would be me sharing something with my family that I've never experienced before, but still working. I wouldn't say that I want to work. I want to be able to continue to push the needle forward. You know, that's what I would do. But I want to travel with you. Guys.
Oh, that's exactly what we want to do with Ju Chow. So we're waiting to see. Because we had Egypt booked a couple of years of that. I think it was your thirty fifth birthday. We actually had a couple along with us, and we had to cancel that trip for work also, So we'll see. Maybe the Good Lord will make away that we can do both that you'll be working. I'm manifesting it, booking a future film, leading mail type vibes. Let's know what I'm saying, twenty twenty four is saying,
looking like it's going to be an amazing year. Excited to spend another birthday with you that's coming up April second, y'all, my aries baby over here. I can't wait to see what this next decade has for both of us as a unit and also individually. So all right, y'all, let's take a quick break. We're gonna pay some bills and where you're gonna get back with listener letters, so stick around alrighty, then I will jump in and do the first one. Hey, Ella's family just want to start by saying,
I love yeah, thank you, love you back. This podcast gets me through my in office days, long driving commutes, plane rides, you name it. Els. I love that there's something so soothing and inviting about you too. Thank you. See another reason why people be trying to get us stay on this podcast. I was telling y'all about to be done, and now y'all make me want to stay all right, and as a Bronx girly, I'll always be
here for a good New York love story. Won't hold the whole Bronx thing against you being Brooklyn Heads, but hey, New York forever. I've been with my boyfriend for four years. We have a beautiful daughter together, and we met at a minimum wage job where we were both working at the time. Since then, I've moved up significantly career wise and have secured myself financially. He has two but it took for me to really push him to actually apply
for him to find something else. I have a settlement coming which I want to use to invest and move our financial situation forward. I would really like to involve him and run this business together. My dilemma is he takes a backseat when it comes to running the household. He'll give me all his money if I ask for it, but he doesn't really take charge or give any input.
He just says, I'll do whatever you need. It's ray that if I involve him, I might end up carrying the financial and daily upkeep of the business by myself and resent him for it. He is so selfless, a great father, and he works daily to be a better boyfriend. I really don't want to make the wrong decision here. Should I involve him or just leave him out of it? What do you think from a business standpoint?
I think that this is a perfect example of every man isn't made to lead the house. He doesn't want to lead the way she wants him to lead, but he's willing to give her all the money and say, Yo, whatever you want to do, I'll be of support. That's a different type of leadership. And I say what I'm saying, it's.
A different type of leadership. So he's like essentially empowering her to make the move.
Whatever it is you want to do, I'm in support, she says. Here he'll give me all of his money. He just says, whatever you want to do, I'll be in support. And he's a great father. Why wouldn't you want that as a teammate. She wants him to be the one to go out there and find the business run the business. That's not what he wants to do. But if she's good at that, there's nothing wrong with
her handling that aspect of it. Using his finances to help support the business in whatever way she needs help. He's willing to be a support So why not do it?
I don't even think, because I can't even think of a couple that comes to mind who we know where the man has been a provider, you know, done everything that he's needed to do financially to make sure the family was okay. Yes, and the wife, I think wanted to see more of an assertion in him that she didn't see because she felt like that would make him more of the leader of the household when really he was helping her to do the things that they wanted to do she wanted to do by just being able
to provide financially. Not everybody is going to be the creative mind. Not everybody's an entrepreneur's person. Right.
If he's a worker, If he's a worker, be and he brings in good money, let him support you in that way. There's nothing wrong with being supportive in that way. I don't think that. I don't think there's anything wrong with this formula. I think it could actually work. To be honest, if she's an entrepreneur, entrepreneur, she has the spirit, she knows how to run and build businesses. Most of those people who have those type of attributes struggle because
they don't have capital. I got everything I need, but I don't have capital. Well, now you have a partner who has capital, who's willing to give you what you need, and you're good at that, then y'all do that together. Like your version of what love or what a family looks like doesn't have to mimic or mirror what you think you see from other people. You understand what I'm saying.
That's why I always say when people say, oh, y'all, a relationship goes I hate that because I don't want her in her mind to feel like well de Valles and entrepreneurial minds. But he's the one who goes out and do it. So a man is supposed to do that. No, there is no gender specific role in a relationship that's that's required in order for it to be successful. Whoever's the more successful person that that do that? And you find a teammate who can do something else.
Literally and it works literally, Yes, think about it. You always come to me, babe, I think we can do. You even just came back from the juice spot was like, Babe, I think you can do. And I'm just like, all right, well, what do we gotta do? And then tell me what I need to do. And then I get on the administrative side of things and I start to look things up and research and organize and it's like the perfect
marriage in that sense when it comes to business. But I think she should also be vocal about this with him and say, hey, all right, babe, if you're going to be bringing home the bacon pretty much and letting me cook it up, fry it, do all different things with it, I'm going to need you to kind of pick up some of the slack at home because I may not be able to do the things around the house that I typically would do if I'm going to
be doing the business stuff. And I think that's what she's fearing here, that she's going to have to run the household and the business and then be resentful.
I don't know, because she said that he says, I'll do whatever you need. She never said that he's not willing. She said, I'm afraid that if I involved him, I may end up carrying not financial and daily upkeep up the business. Now, if you're a business minded person and you're an entrepreneur, you're going to have to do that anyway. Like if it's your dream, if it's your vision, if it's your goal, you have to do that.
Now, I get it on the business side of things, but I'm saying she doesn't want to also do that and then have to run the household stuff as well. So maybe their agreement will be if she's going to be focusing on the business and he's still going to work and contribute just the day to day things that they take care of in the household, maybe he will have to take over.
But she never said that that's a problem. She said that he is a great father, he's selfless, So she never said that her problem is based on what I've read. Her only problem with him is that he's not a go getter when it comes to finding opportunities and handling the business. She says here that he's willing to do whatever I need. He'll give me all his money.
I hear that, but I was just speaking to My dilemma is he takes a back seat when it comes to running the household. So I'm just saying, if that was a portion that she was worried about, just say, hey, babe, I know you're going to help me to execute this menness by being a financial backing, but if I'm focusing on this, I'll just need some more help around the household. That's all.
I'm sorry, I got you. But she said he'll take a back seat. But she also said that he says I'll do whatever you need. She sounds like she doesn't want to have to say it. She wants him to go and do it. No, if this is something you need and require, speak on it. She never said that he won't do it. He takes a back seat, take a back seat, but I'll do whatever you need to
know what you need. It's no different than us two will tell me like, yeah, I may take a back seat in the business, but tell me what you want get done and I'll do it. So even when it comes to creating content, you like I want to be talent, I don't want to have to think about that. I'm not looking at that like, oh, she lazy, she don't want to do what I want to do. I'm looking at it as like, Okay, she told me very clearly what she wants to do.
Just communicated right.
And what I'm saying is that him saying he'll take a back seat doesn't mean he's not willing to do it. He's not coming up with the ideas. I think they have a formula that works. My only issue with what she's saying is that she expects that because he's the man, he's going to take the forefront. And what I'm saying is is that doesn't have to be the case. You know, Oprah has a Steedman. Steedman is like, I'll do whatever you need to support, but Oprah is still the she's
the mastermind. Imagine if Oprah. Imagine if Oprah was like, you know, I'm gonna wait until Stepman figures it out, and we wouldn't have half the ship that we have here. You know what I'm saying, I don't think it has to be gender specific. You're a entrepreneur and he's a worker. Bee tell them, babe, that's what I need you do pick up the kids, pick up our daughter these days.
And that's how you involve him. Don't leave him out of it altogether, but that's how you involve him in the business strategy and what the plan will be moving forward. So good luck to y'all. I love when people feel like they have something that they can really just run with and just grow their business and take that entrepreneurial spirit spirit and actually apply it. So I think I have a good recipe here says good luck to you guys. I hope everything works.
Out and you're right. Involve him, tell him exactly what you need from him, because he sounds like, based on what you wrote, he's that type of guy, whatever you need.
Yeah, I think that's like that's the perfect love language for me. I'll do whatever you need, babe. That's amazing, all right.
Number two, Hey Devala Kadeen. My name is k pronounced k kaye. I wonder who else pronounced what do they say kaye ou kaye? But she says my name is Kate pronounce k. I'm pretty sure people be fucking her name up for sure. I really love and adore you guys. I've been following your journey since twenty nineteen, and it is amazing to see how how far you too and
the family have come. Thank you so much. I remember rushing back to the dorm after classes in first year to watch your family videos on YouTube while I ate lunch. Those were some good times. Now, that's what's up. They
were some good times anyway. To give you some context, I'm currently twenty two, a female, in my last year of university, studying kinesiology and rehabilitation scientists, and writing you to writing you this letter at two o'clock in the morning because I am stuck in capital letters for many years. I've been struggling with confidence. Growing up. It was hard making friends and never really around my crew until grade
eight at a small private school. Even in first year of UNI, I spent most of my time in my room, locked away when I didn't have class, because I simply did not know how to open myself up around others without the fear of being disliked or judged. This is what we talked about earlier. When you become forty, you realize that that doesn't matter. But I get where she's
coming from. As a twenty two year absolutely, it even got to a point where I started to doubt myself, my skills, and my abilities, especially when applying for things. For my last year, I have the privilege to participate in the strength and Conditioning practicum after building enough courage to apply at my school. I aspired to be a trainer, but I constantly feel behind looking at my classmates and some of the athletes I work with. It feels as though I don't know what I'm doing and often feel
that I do not have what it takes to actually train. Furthermore, ooh, that just sounded like I am writing a paper. Yikes. There is a large stigma on female trainers, especially in the sports industry. For example, my supervisors are one of three female strength and conditioning coaches at the university level across Canada, and Canada is not small, y'all. It may just be all in my head, as I tend to overthink a lot. Yes, but I really need to get
a handle on this. I graduate in June and need to start practicing or preparing for that transition into the career aspects of life as I can be a swim instructor forever. Two questions Deval, what advice do you have for someone going into the training industry, specially in sports. Kadeen, what are some things you do to improve or maintain
confidence in yourself? Ps? I really really really really really really really really really really guys, every video I watched with a smile on my face, even as I am crying writing this, and one more thing, you see what I did there? Y'all really need to come to Toronto. Shout out to Toronto.
Year Toronto. We were in Ottawa for a little bit. Canada Girl, No one is going to be bought into the idea of you if you're not brought into the idea of you.
Facts.
I'm not sure what her background is like growing up, how she was raised, and the lack of confidence and where that stems from. But if you approach anything with any sort of apprehension and people don't feel like you even believe in yourself, then why would they? Then why would they? You can speak more to the training aspect of things, because you know what it's like for that being I think a male dominant or driven industry, and it is it is for the most part.
I understand where she's coming from because she said there's a stigma around female trainers. Number One is the idea that a female trainer can't get me to the level because they've never done this, which is absolutely false. Right, training is about two things. Number One, the most important thing is the science. If you know the science, you know how to get people better. It doesn't matter if you're a man, a woman, a dog. If you know how to get people better, people will come. The second
part is interpersonal communication. You have to find ways to motivate people to do the things that they don't want to do because you, as a trainer, know that they have to do them and they can do it, and they can do it. So those are the two most important aspects, your ability to motivate people into personal communication, but also the science, and if you practice those two things, you'll be a great trainer. The best way to practice
interpersonal communication skills is to interpersonally communicate. Stop being afraid of people. You're in school, walk up to people, introduce yourself, because one thing you're gonna have to do is a trainer isself. You have to sell yourself. You have to sell packages. You have to be willing to walk up to people in the most uncomfortable situations and say, hey, how are you doing? My name is K. You know, I've noticed that you were doing this exercise a little
bit wrong. You mind, if I help you mm hm through that relationship, you build a rapport. Through that rapport, you sell them whatever it is that you want to sell them, right, So it all starts with confidencing yourself. And like KK said over here, if you don't believe in you, who else is going to believe in you?
It's true, there's people out here who are mediocre as fuck at a lot of things. At a lot of things. They're just very average and very mediocre. But what sells them is their confidence and their ability for other people to buy into whatever it is that they are doing or selling or involved with. So you ask me specifically, what are some things that I do to improve or maintain myself confidence? It's really doing the uncomfortable things over
and over again. You know. I started when I was about ten or eleven, getting in front of an audience, getting in front of pe people, like trying to be outgoing pageants definitely helped because you know, you put yourself up on the stage and you have to introduce yourself and talk to people and be scrutinized like that's a huge lens to be under at at a at a young age. But it never stopped. I always felt uncomfortable.
I always had moments where I was unsure of myself until I said, you know what, I'm just gonna keep doing this over and over and over again. So it starts with, like Deval said, walking up to people saying what's up. I think also the New Yorker in US gave us an advantage because think about all of the crazy shit that just happens on a random subway ride in New York. People just be out there doing stuff.
But New Yorkers don't talk to each other. They walk right by people in New York. I wouldn't use New York as an example.
No, the reason I say New York is because you're just so accustomed to people doing outlandish and weird things that if somebody does just come up and spark conversation with you, it's not off putting. It's not off putting because you're accustomed to that.
Now, some New Yorkers said this off person, like why are you talking to me? Why are you? Like being on a train, someone goes, hey, how are you doing? They looking at you like, why the fuck are you talking to me, I can see that. Southern. Yeah, Southern people they have more of a you know, southern hospitality. Hey, how are you?
They look you in the eye when because you used to like seeing people and saying hello.
I think that's more Caribbeans than the New York because New york Is don't tell true what I will see, what I will say. Though. What you said about pageants is what I noticed too. Even when I did martial arts for five years from nine to fourteen, before you went up to do a kata, right, you had to go in front of the crowd, in front of the judges and say good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. My name
is daval Ellis from Modern Combat Systems. I'm about to perform my blue belt Da da da da, which your permission, I may begin doing that over and over again, and feeling confident to go up and say something and speak gave me the confidence and then go perform my kata. You see what I'm saying. So I think it's that part of the experience that people are forgetting in this day and age. Everybody do things through the phone. No
one walks up to anyone anymore. Even when I'm speaking to the and I'm just like, hey, that so and so go and say hello. Yeah. I watch how other people's children don't know how to speak. When I'm speaking to young kids or young people, and when I say kids, I'm saying kids.
Like eighteen, twenty two, yes, she's twenty two.
When I go to speak to these young kids, sometimes I'm like, hey, how you doing. I heard you saying.
It's just oh, yeah, you actually hit the nail on the head, babe. That's what it is. That's it's this generation like her, generation of twenty two and eighteen, that just don't even know how to look somebody in the eye and have a conversation and to speak up. You know, it's like a lost art form, the interpersonal communication side of communication side of things. It's really like becoming a lost art.
But the thing is, it's not a lost art amongst the entire world. It's this generation, especially Americans. Americans have become addicted to this cell phone. Think about how often we travel now and we go other places. We don't see everybody with their head down in the phone everywhere we go. One thing in America though, that's everywhere, that's every every person is now stuck what they face in
the phone. But when we travel to what we went to Italy this past year, when we go to the islands, people are a lot more warm when they see you, and a lot more people sit down at dinner and they have conversations and they're not they're not in their phone with their head you know, stuck. So I think that that's the biggest thing with this generation. Man, Get put the phone down, get away from television, to go outside, speak to your neighbors. You know, we've lived here for
three years now, three years now. There are certain neighbors that don't speak. They just don't speak, you know what I'm saying. That's never been the case in the world. I knew who all my neighbors were growing up.
You know. Well, good luck to you, sis. I think you have pretty much all the tools, but this desire and wanting to be better and wanting to be confident, you just have to go out and do it. There's no other way around it. There's no shortcut, right, But good luck to you. Thank you for all the support that you've given us. Yes, we look forward to you growing into your greatness. Look at me sounding like a
forty year old woman growing into your greatness. All Right, y'all, If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, continue to write into us. Email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right, Moment of truth time. We're talking about Devo's approach to forty looking fine in the process. I know my moment of truth for you as you approach forty moment is just I want to continue to find ways to enrich your life as you approach a new decade. We've been together for two decades so far, this being year twenty two approaching for us, and I just want to give you your flowers and just say I just love having this front seat and just watching the man
that you've evolved to be. You've been great since day one. I knew when I met you. After two weeks of knowing you, you want someone I love you? Did? I love you? Boy? But no, I'm really looking forward to this ride now that I feel like we are. We have a lot of things figured out. There's still more to be figured out, but he's doing it with you makes life that much greater. So I'm here with you in whatever capacity you need to make sure that your forties are the best decade yet.
I love you.
I love you too.
No, I love you, little Fineance. My moment of truth is simple, man. I'm forty. That's it.
Not yet, not quite yet.
I will be forty. I'm embracing it. I asked that you guys give me grace. I'm looking back at what I've done through my thirties and through my twenties. Some things I like, some things I don't, but all things I've learned. And I know that when I turn fifty, I'm gonna look back at my forties and say the same thing. And when I turn sixty, I'm gonna look back. But I'm excited about that, you know. I'm excited about evolved and learning and changing and growing and just being
here with you with the kids. I'm excited about life. I just love life. That's just what it is. I love life, and I love everybody who supports us. I even love everybody who don't like I'm just at the point in my life now where all that I love for people. Man, that's all I have is love for people. I cry a lot more now because me too.
I used to be the big crier. Now it's kind of evolved.
Yeah, I do cry a lot more now because I used to have that wall up of being tough and having to be a certain way because I thought that that's the only way you can exist in the world. But now when stuff hit me, yeah, absolutely, especially as a black man, I always have my guard up. But now when stuff hit me, I let it hit me.
Man.
I look at my kids sometimes I just cry and they crying for and I'm just like, I look at y'all growing, and I'm happy. I'm all a students, all extremely respectful. I'm just I'm proud of everything you and I have built. I'm excited about my forty years so far. I have no regrets. No, I have no regrets. Everything that has happened to us for us, I feel like it was purposeful for sure.
For sure. Is it beauty and being able to look back every year? And I can't wait to do that when we're ninety yks. You knows all right, y'all, be sure to follow us on Patreon. If you are not subscribed yet, you gotta jump on man. All the exclusive footage that we have here from dead Ass Podcasts, video content to Ellis family content. You can find it right there on Patreon, so join us, tell a friend, and be sure to follow us on social media at dead Ass the podcast I Am Kadeen, I Am and.
I Am Devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure it's rate review. Subscribe. Get your copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive approach to getting everything you want out of your relationship, and get them. Tickets to the Love Against the World Tour, Baby, we are almost sold out, so don't miss it. This is going to be our final tour for a while. We are going out with a bang. Baby, I'm telling y'all what y'all see from us, y'all gonna be like Dania Mellis did that.
I know. And people have been asking for like certain cities, like why haven't y'all come here? There and there? We're going based on where they say podcasts have been successful and we can, you know, and we pull the crowd out.
Because Chicago, Detroit. Man, we went up there to Detroit last year in February and it almost got snowed out. It was a blizzard, so Detroit, you know, I love y'all Shout out to u of M national championships for their football team. Shout out to the Detroit Lions when they first playoff game for the first time I think since nineteen ninety one. Detroit is popping right now, So.
We Come Back has a special place in our heart. In Chicago, that show was.
Oh yeah, that was my favorite show so far.
Absolutely, But Chicago in February is woe.
Maybe summertime. Summer time shot.
Listen, just come on to New York real quick. The Apollo is going to be iconic.
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