It does not matter. At some point your parents will become your children.
That is a whole fact. I had no idea. And when I say that we have about six kids, that's.
What I mean eight. Dead ass is eight. Oh yeah, my parents and there too.
I forget. We've been living with mine though, is different.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast an open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics, things.
Most folks don't want to talk about through.
The lens of a millennial married couple. It's a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying the facts. One hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing about the truth. Were about to take Bilos off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
Story time.
Oh man, we got mad stories.
If we really think about both of our parents as a collective and then as individuals, we have so many stories about them.
We got mad stories where we've had to intervene.
Yes, what do you?
What do you?
What did you? What came to mind today?
This story is a funny story. It's a funny story because I think I've already told the story about when my dad was in the hospital with diabetes. Diabetic.
Okay, I'm not scared, but.
I threatened him at that time, and I told him like, yoh, when something's wrong, when something's going on, you have to tell me in real time. Right, So fast forward my sister, you know, she stays by my parents sometimes, and my sister, like me, enjoys the green Orian times. But she's a little bit different than I am because she she put it in in a lemonade form, or like in a gummy form, and she'll take her too before she go
to sleep. So she made a lemonade and she put the lemonade in my parents' fridge.
Didn't stand a chat.
So these stories always been wild. But she put the lemonade in my parents' fridge. My dad didn't know that the lemonade was as potent as it was. So my sister was like, school, you need to relax. Let's get a little cup. Right, my father likes to get big. He my father collects all the big Burger king cups, like the twenty four hours super. So he puts he puts a big cup with ice and everything. He's sitting
down and joining his lemonade. Good. And if you know my father, I know that he has his own theme music. Whenever he walks around. It's like he'd be like if.
He was a cartoon character, that would be like every time he entered the room, it would be that.
So he drinks a whole couple of lemonade, he said, he just he said that he started feeling hot. He was just like, man, what's going on? I need to go lay down. So he went upstairs and he said, well, he was going upstairs, the staircase was moving from left to right, and it felt like the walls was closing in right. So that's time he's explaining to my sister, like, Yo, what's what's in that lemonade? Man? Like, I had a couple of lemonade, and my sister's just like, how much
lemonade did you drink? And he drank like half the picture of lemonade in one cup.
You already know.
Less, right, So that my sister's like, you know, school, you'll be fine. You need to lay it down. But now as you know, you guys know, you get paranoid when you get into this situation. So now he's paranoid. And this part is the part that was funny to me. He goes to the toy he said, grabs toys. Just listen to me. I can't die because if I die, val go kill me, which is hilarious because the roles
have reversed. When you're a child, the first thing you think about is if something happens to me, my parents are gonna kill me. But now here's my dad saying to my sister, Yo, I gotta be okay because if I die, de Vow.
Was gonna kill me, double kill, double whammy.
So now now I'm like the parent.
Now that's a fact. Yes, all right, karaoke time.
So it's about asking me earlier, like what do you think we should do for karaoke for this episode? The first This is the first song that came to mind. We are the word.
We are the children, We are the ones to make them bright a day. So let's I giving there's a choice, making choice. What's the next one? Been list and day, just you and me.
You've been getting into these karaoke songs.
I wanted to be a singer at some point in my life until I really it ain't too late. It's not too late. I'm at a point now where I feel like anybody can do anything as long as you take the time to invest in the skills.
So you want to do it absolutely now.
I'm probably never gonna be Michael Jackson. I'll never be Usher, but I can be the Vusher, you know what I'm saying. I can't as long as I can learn how.
To hold a note holding and you can dance.
And you know what I'm saying. Enough, I can dance enough. You've shown you know what I'm saying. So maybe I won't be a pop star, but I could, you know, at least hold the notes.
So a pop star, right, Don't don't look at me.
You got that limp plump lip plumping stuff on your mouth.
Listen.
So Nick sent me a package b our package, and I was like, oh, this is a nice little shade to put on today. And I saw that it had like a little like plumper thing, you know, some of these glosses have that.
So I put it on and my lips started burning, and I was.
Like, no, it's really it's really a limp plumping thing.
That apparently because when I used to work for Mac, there was something called plush glass and that had like a plumping age in it.
So it kind of gave that the lips like a bit of a fuller look.
But seemed dangerous. And we go to do some things. Don't nobody want to feel no.
Tingling and get a little plumper.
But the tingling is like, that's gonna scary because you was nervous here.
I was nervous for a second. And then I opened the pr package and I gave them to trouble. It was, you know, sharing his carring and Triple was like, oh, you're gonna be good, like I wore the other one and it was fine, just don't put it on the outside of your lips.
I'm like, okay, at least y'all know that. Don't put the plumping age on the outside your lips because it turned red.
Right, It's like, yeah, I just like the color, but goddamn, I don't know. You know, let's take a quick break, Let's go pay some ask let me go look at my lips. Make sure there are still on my face and that they're not taking over, and we'll be back. All right, y'all were back, And today we're talking about parenting our parents. So I feel like when she reached a certain age that if your parents are still with you, it then becomes a large responsibility for you to ensure
that your parents are good. And Devale and I are in the thick of it, in the think of it, in the thick of it with my parents here living with us full time, and your parents still in New York, but back and forth often.
Your dad's retired. Mom is finally.
Retiring this year, and we're super excited and we're hoping. We're trying to, like course, everybody to move down to where we are so that way, you know, the village extension only becomes more extended. And I'm looking forward to just delegating one kid per parent and then we rotate. I feel like every week we just rotate, right, so like mom gets one, school gets one, my dad, and then your mom, you got you with that kid for the week, and then.
You just rotate each child.
Each child has like an individual one on one thing.
But yeah, so back to storytime real quick, That was hilarious because I remember when it happened in real time and your sister could not stop.
That all about it. But it's true.
We're at the point now where we are having to say to our parents, you need to take care of yourself.
These are the things that you need to do in order to do X y Z.
Let's take a look at your finances, your assets, like, all of those things are a part of the process. I feel like, at least if you're invested in the well being of your parents or probably feel like they need the help.
I'm glad you brought that up because there is a serious thing that I do want to discuss. Because everything's
always jokes with us. But on a more serious note, we talked in a previous episode about you know, not owning your parents anything, right, especially when it comes to finances or life sacrifice a sacrifice episode, right, But when it comes to this, I do feel like we do owe our parents, you know, absolutely, our parents had a responsibility to make sure that we grow up to become who we become, right, and during that time they do sacrifice a lot, right, and I'm not talking about just
money in time, but they also sacrifice a lot of their health. We've been in hustle mode for the last fifteen years, not sleeping as much, not eating as much as we're supposed to, eating too much of bad junk
food because it's the only thing that's readily available. I feel like, once you become an adult and you learn more about the human body and you learn more about life, it's not your responsibility to not only pay it forward, but pay it back because there's going to be things that we know now that our parents didn't know, and it's our responsibility to be like, hey, mom and dad, you don't have to eat that, or you don't have to drink that, or you don't have to take that medication.
Like times have changed, and I feel like more adult children need to own up to that responsibility rather than passing it off and saying, well, my parents are grown, they'll be fine.
No, I agree with you a one hundred percent. I even just think about my mom, who's still in the vein of wanting to make sure that I'm okay. When she found out about her skin issue and she has to go to the holistic doctor. She then sparked us going to get our blood work done because she's like Hey, I don't want you to end up here.
Like we know we have the same blood type, we both had the sickle cell trait.
Like she said, there's so many similarities with our makeup that I don't want you to have a heart attack at fifty four years old like I did because of the stress level and the lack of sleep and a terrible job.
Like, I don't want you to be here.
So I feel like the reciprocity in it is me now making sure that she's okay. Now that we know the things that she is alertic to, I'm alertic too, that we can both kind of do this together. So we kind of developed a little bit more of a camaraderie too when it came to health, and then we kind of pulled you along.
So this whole.
Household now is trying to make sure that we're all okay. Same thing with my dad, you know, had an issue recently. He was just dehydrated, not drinking enough water. So now it's not just the valle Andi parenting. We have the kids parenting my parents and they are holding them accountable. So I got my dad a gallon jug and it's one that goes by time, so it's like seven am, nine am, eleven am, and don't let them kids come home from a school by three pm and pop it in and drink up.
To three o'clock.
They be on them.
They're going to be on him, especially Cairo.
Cairo and my dad have like a really cute special bond and chiros are popping and drink your water. You're behind here, Sit here and drink this now, do you want to liquid iv in it?
It will make it taste better.
I'm gonna grow up to be a nurse.
He probably will, but.
I can actually see that for him, like one of the nice, you know, muscular buff athletes that became a nurse.
Like for sure, that's totally going to be here.
But I came that to say, the spirit of nurturing and the spirit of love and making sure that our parents are okay like our children is something that transcends not just our generation, but we're also showing our children to care for your parents and your grandparents.
And the I'm glad you brought that point up because I want to give a mention to Trouble to put this down. I want to do a podcast on the advantages of among a multi generational home having your grandparents and your parents and their children all existing in the same space, even if they don't live there. Because we're talking about trying to build a community with our parents and aunts and uncles and stuff. So I do want to talk a touch on that triple. Just remind me
that later. But there's something that you brought up, and it was how important it is for your mom. Once she figured out something, she told us. The reason why this topic is important to me is because you can help yourself save money and help your parents save money if you live a healthier lifestyle and make adjustments earlier. So, for example, I watched my parents become caregivers to my
dad's parents. You know, my dad's parents moved in with my parents when they were in their late seventies turn the eighties. My parents were in their fifties, about to be sixties, and my parents took my grandparents in. During the time, my parents, because they were still working, weren't able to give the type of care necessary, so they had to get a nurse to come in. My grandfather's a retired vet. You know, he fought in the Korean War, so he had VA services. But some of these things
do have costs. And what I'm realizing now is with my parents, is if I can get my parents to change their diet, terry habits and change their lifestyle when it comes time for us to have to take care of them. Because let's be honest, and this is not a morbid discussion, this is just the reality. Life has to end for everyone at some point, and you want to be in a place where they live the fullest life that they could ever live, as healthy as their life. And for me, the way I want to go out
would be with my grandkids, my great great grandkids. Me and Kay are sitting there on the porch watching them do their thing with about one hundred and thirty years old. Kay, you know you be one hundred and thirty Will one hundred and thirty one, one hundred thirty one. You're gonna walk by and ask you to drop it. You're gonna drop it. It's gonna take you about two days to get back up. But it's fine because we ain't got nowhere to go.
I still have a little oil on my coil.
Will you will the way the way we take care of ourselves, Yes, but you'll go inside. I'll have this beautiful picture of my kids, my grandkids, and my great grandkids. I'll rest my head back and I'll just go to sleep. Like to me, that's the way I want to go out. So that's the way I want to go out. That's the way I want my parents to go out. That's the way I want your parents to go out. You know what I'm saying. I just wanted to be peaceful.
I want to be able to see the people that I love and the people that I've created, you know, with the person that I've created all of this with. But I want to be healthy. I want to just go on my sleep like the air just pass, you know, and not deal with so much. You know, we have so many families who have to deal with health issues because of the fact so much, man, and it's a burden for not only for the people taking care.
Of them, it's a burden for them absolutely.
You know. It's laboring.
It really is laboring.
I know. Yeah, we're seeing it even now with even my grandmother, who is you know, declining rapidly and shout out to Grandma Brian. Yeah, y'all know about how I feel about my grandma. She's been with us for so many good things. I think that's the concept. The consolation that I feel is knowing that while she was here and while she was moving and shaken, like we had such a good time together. Like she came up for I mean pretty much from November to January.
Several years. For every child.
She was at home with us, when kaz was born, she was able to come to the house that were in now, when Dakota was a baby, getting the pool, you know. So there were so many great things that happened before she declined. But at eighty six, it's like, wow, I'm looking at all the health issues that she had. She had six children, was pregnant with eight. Two passed away at birth. But that's eight pregnancies. I remember after I had Dakota, she was like, okay, honey, that's enough.
You've done. You've done well. And I was like, what do you mean? She said, four is a nice number. I did double and I feel it in my body. It did good. Stop now And I was like, all right.
So Grandma said, pretty much, don't have any more kids because but I'm just thinking about the strength.
Yeah.
I mean, she used to work nights, you know, as a patient care tech. You know, the lack of sleep, just the just the tough life that she lived. And I'm like, man, she lived to eighty six, you know, and she's still ticking and she's still pushing and she's still fighting, and I'm looking at the health declines later on in life, and I'm just thinking about how things would have been different for her had she known about the things we know now taking our health into consideration.
And it's kind of like a space where we're in like this weird like people who are older than us in that generation are living longer. But then now I think we're battling with you know, food that's not a super process.
You know, you don't know if something is organic or not.
You know, you're just trying to do your best within America to figure out what.
Is the right things to eat and where things are sourced.
If you spend so much time now learning about the things you shouldn't be doing and you shouldn't be eating that when it comes to health, it's sec an uphill battle all the time.
O can I get I'll just I'll give a tip to pause to all of our listeners. Most diseases, I think it's over eighty five percent of diseases can be cured with proper hydration and sleep and exercise. Right, so I know what we eat is super duper important. And for us, since we've changed our diet, our bodies have been completely different. But let's not forget the fact that you can do yourself a service by getting more sleep, drinking water, and finding twenty minutes a day to move
your body. And when we say move your body, it doesn't mean go do muscle ups and bird pees and sprint on the treadmill. No, do some body weight squats, walk outside briskly. A brisk walk is not the same. Yeah, get your heart rate up so you can work on your circulation. Do some push ups. If you can't do some push ups, you can lean up against something, do push ups against the wall. But the most movement that you can do in those twenty minutes will be really
good for you. And every day be consistent. And we're on your parents because they live here about doing it. I call my parents all the time, the way my mom used to be with me and may not get on the phone. You sent me the time. Now when she get on the phone, I'm like, Ma, you taking medications today, but he's swollen cholesterol and this, she's oh, how the tables turn out? Now, you like, I'm a nag. Now I'm nagging you because that's important to me. My father the same thing.
I just also think that we owe it to our children to be the healthiest versions of ourselves as much as we can control, because we can become a burden to them when they're older, they're going to be living their lives. That's why some people end up in a freaking nursing home because it's like their children don't have the capacity or they don't have the finances to be able to offer the care to their parents that they
need when they reach a certain age. So it's our responsibility, if we know, to take care of ourselves and to do better so that our children aren't felt like they have a burden or this this like no other way to an obligation. The obligation, that's the word I'm looking for. Yes, an obligation to make sure that their parents are okay because we didn't do our part.
I think that's selfish, and I.
Agree with you on that. But I remember my father going through this with my grandmother. My grandfather, well, my grandfather passed away. He passed away right after they had decided that my grandmother, who was suffering, who's still suffering from dementia, needed to be in her home because she
needed twenty four hour care. And the truth of the matter is when both adults work and there's another adult in the home dealing with dementia, dementia, for some people who don't know, can become extremely violent, danger right and dangerous. My grandmother didn't become violent, but it became dangerous if she's trying to use the stove forgetting things on the stove, putting, you know, putting the for example, this happened in Soul Food when Big Mama put the mit on the stove
and it started to burn. Things like that happened with people. Well Nana, Nana felt safer in her room. But my uncle Charles shout out to my uncle Chuck, Charles Ellis Junior. He started early on set dementia and a lot of it had to deal with stress and his fait fifties, but also diet. We talked about diet. He was a wanderer, so he would just leave the home and my cousin Kimberly had to become his sole caretaker. And she's a
single mom with two teenage kids. So they had to make the tough decision to put my uncle in a home. And that's probably the best decision they made, not only just for him, but for the family, you know, like for the entire family, for her to feel better, for her kids to not have to worry where his grandpa are going to be all the time. But even the
people we bought this home for. There's a room downstairs where the door was sealed in because his mother in law was a wonderer, a wanderer, and she would leave the home and they had to come out and find her a couple of times. And I say all that to say this, like, there is a stigma in our culture about not sending your people to homes homes. You know, don't send me to no home. Rich people send their parents to homes because they have the money to send.
Them to homes, or if someone doesn't care, and it's just like, oh, whatever, I'm gonna send you to a home to.
Which does happen? You know, because your mother worked and your mother worked in care long term careful.
Time, yep. And I worked there for a little bit in high school, and I see it too.
But you're also a good example of when you have a director of nurse and who cares, who actually cares, You can see the difference, and that's important that we talk to people like, if you're gonna put your mom or dad or someone you love in a home, do the research to see what they care is like. Don't just go online and pick something that's closed by the house and just send them. Do the research. Find out exactly what's going on here? Do they go outside often?
Do they have nurses that care for me? I would find out how are the nurse is taking care of more than anything else. Yeah, because if the nurses are taking care of they're going to take care of the patients.
No, that's a really good point to make it with my mom in long term care for years, my brother's in long term care is now to my sister is in there for a little bit, and it definitely makes a difference in the quality of life. Use when you love somebody as much as we love, for example, your nana or your uncle Charles, we want to make sure that they are taken care of. And then also the family needs to be present when they can, just to ensure that everything is going smoothly. So let's pick up
on some facts and stats real quick. Going from child to caregiver and taking on almost a parenting role for your parents can feel a little disoriented for some adults. Preparing for this adjustment, though is necessary. Of elderly parents would rather live with their adult children than in assisted living spaces, but most adults are not prepared or equipped to support them.
And that's what we just we just spoke about. You and I have created a space here for your parents, and realistically, if we were being honest, for me in particular, it was more of a selfish thing because I didn't want anyone else taking care of our children, So it just made the most sense to have the people who
took care of us take care of our children. And yeah, Kadeena and I have even spoken about that, and I want to just offer this as an opportunity for other people when you work as community, right, and when I mean community, a family, your parents, us, my parents, our brothers and sisters. I challenge you to create a life plan that keeps your family close by, you know, because your parents are pride for people, and as much as they enjoy living here, I know, like you said, your
mom also wanted her own space for a while. It would be dope if we could get Mimi and Papa and Papa Scoop and Nana a home five minutes away or even within biking distance for the kids, so that it's like, yo, you want to go see your grandparents, they're right there. Because the way we grew up, which is kind of random, but we grew up living six blocks away from each other.
I know.
Then my brother lives across the street from my parents. So when Jackson and Kyron Kaz want to just go see one grandparent to another, we just walk. When Aiden wants to come over, he just walks across the street. There's value in that because now you can take care of someone, but they can be in their own.
Space and feel comfortable.
And it's not easy, and I don't want to. I'm not shaming any adult parents, adults who have to take care of grandparents. That's not an easy fee. I've watched my parents come back home from work and as soon as they come in, let me go check on the parents downstairs. Then you spend three hours down there cleaning up and trying to make sure they're good. Then your
kids come home. Now it's eight o'clock, your kids are home from practice and stuff, and it's like, let me take care of the kids, and before you know it, it's eleven thirty at night. You haven't taken care of yourself.
Yep.
And you know what happens now you become a grandparent, your kids are grown, you haven't taken yourself. Your health is declining, and your kids go through the same.
Sase cycle of things.
And I mean also too, with having that community and having everybody close by. I look at how for example, when we left Brooklyn and we moved to la and my mom came with us because we were transitioning and we didn't have any help there. So that was supposed to be, you know, a temporary situation for a trend addition. But my dad, who didn't come with us full time, he was kind of back and forth. We noticed even as decline in his health because he wasn't up and
moving like he was when the kids were with him. Absolutely, Jackson and him had such a cue bond because he would take Jackson to school, pick him up, bring him by the house, or he would bring them back home to my house. He would sit with us for a little bit. He would help with dinner and bedtime. Same thing with my mom. And I noticed how that just kept him moving. It gave him purpose, to get him, give him a reason to get up and get moving.
Glad you brought that up.
Same thing here, right, said, gotcha. But even just here now in our in our home. So Papa's now with us full time. And it's funny because at first he fought coming down here, but then I realized, like, the kids are here, the grand kids are here, we have the space. So now I'm like, the fun way for him to get his exercise in or his movement in, is I stick the coata on him. Coda, Papa, you want to go outside the coulda will grab his shoes, Papa shoes, take it.
To him, and then they go for walks.
Yeah, you know.
He picks the kids up from school, he drops them in the morning, He gets up in the morning. He has his routine, and that routine has helped him leaps and bounds with his own health because he has a sense of purpose and he's moving and is keeping his mind sharp. So being putting the older generation with the younger generation sometimes it's the best form of like therapy for both of them.
I'm glad you brought up purpose because this is a huge point. The quality of life and the will to live is all intertwined with purpose. If you want to see your adult if you're an adult and you have parents who are getting of age, continue to give them purpose and watch how their health will continue to grow. Because if you have a will to live, you have a reason to eat right, you have a reason to get up and walk. Yes, when you get older, and
this is just a truth. I watched it with Pastor Boyd, who was, you know, one of my mentors growing up. He used to say to me all the time. I was like, Dame pounds a boy, you're going to live to see my kids have kids. Because he's very old, he said, I hope not. I said, what you mean, you hope not? He said, my body hurts all the people I grew up with and love and took care
of and built stuff for all day. And he said to me at that point, he said, you know when you watch all the people who you grew up with and laughed and joked with and love, you know, pass away, and now you have a next generation and everyone makes you feel like you know a burden, you know, you kind of lose that will to be here. It's like,
I just want to go with my friends are. And when he said it, though, I know he was older, and when you get older, you get a lot more sentimental and you say things, but you say how you feel, you know. And when he said that to me, I was like, man, that really resonated. They struck a chord because I do look at your dad, and they look at Grandma. You know, grandma has quote unquote been on
her last leg for some time now. Every time you go down there, your sister, the grandkids go down there, your aunt's and they go down there, somewhere you get your grandmother finds this life. And then before you know it was I want to continue. Yeah, y'all called us and said this might be the last time. Yeah, for the third time. We're going on eighteen months. And every time we get down here now, she's walking around saying, have you eaten right?
Where's the baby?
Where's this one? Where's that one? Her purpose, my dad's, my dad's mom was the same thing. Yes, I see it. Literally in this past week, we got to call last Sunday, Grandma's not doing well. Everybody make you way down we probably have about a week. That was a Sunday, Mom and I pick up. We drive down there on the Monday with CODA. She sees us walk in the room, you reach already. I'm like, you knew we were coming.
Mine still there.
And knowing that we were coming gave her that purpose. Yes, And we were there with her for I was there for two days, you know, well overnight, and then I ended up leaving my mom there with the CODA. And then my mom comes home this Sunday, so she was
there for a full week. And here we are on a Wednesday and Grandma's tanked again, and I'm just like, man, I can't help but think that there's a correlation there, you know, absolutely having the love and the family surrounding you and just everyone pouring into you and wanting to see it and not wanting to me. You know, like that's in itself is amazing to watch.
We might have talked about this, but we watched my grandfather transition. We sure did with COPD. COPD for those who don't know, it's it's the feeling of it is like there's raisor blades in your lungs and every time you breathe inhale. Those raysor of blades are just moving around your lungs. It's difficult to breathe. My grandfather had heart disease, diabetes. He had a coloss for me, what
is it called a coloss colossomy bag. He was like real, his body was really going through a lot from being a war veg taking care of my grandmother while going through all of that. And part of what I talked about before, nurse is not being taken care of the reason why you had a colostomy bag is because a nurse, an angry nurse who was going through a lot. She was over word. I hear she was because they end up suiting the hospital for what happened to my grandfather.
But she had worked over eighteen hours and she had to give him an edemon job, and she was aggressive, and he ended up getting an affection from being punctured. Was ruptured right, and that led to, you know, the downward spiral of his health. But my grandfather was going through this transition and he got to a point where he just told my father, Troy, have mercy. He said, I'm tired. Let me go. That's what he kept saying,
Let me go. Have mercy. So now my father, the adults, but he's the patriarch of the family now has to make a decision of whether or not he's going to you know, just DNA none DNA, and DNR was DNR. They were going to take the oxygen out, and they pretty much had to tell my father to make a decision. Once we take the oxygen out, he's going to last for maybe two three days. Guys. My grandfather sat there,
tears coming out. All he was saying, you remember being in there was mercy, Lord, have mercy, because I know his chest was hurting. They gave him some morphine. Have mercy. He's crying, but he's kind of like smirking and smiling. Everybody in the state that could get to that hospital that day drove in. We had cousins from from down south, who from from Virginia drove in six hours. We wanted to see Charles. Everybody's drip. Once he saw every grandchild,
he said, Troy, please have mercy. The doctor said, once you take the oxygen, it's going to be going to be a couple of days. My grandfather took the oxygen out by himself, smiled at my father. Two tears rolled down. He closed his eyes and he was gone in five minutes, which talks to you about the will to live. And he saw his family. They all came to see him, and he passed with a smile on his face and tears rolling down his eyes. Then my father calls us.
We had just left the hospital. We thought we had a couple of days now. My brother called. My brother said, Yo, you gotta come back. Pop is going, And then we're driving back. Were driving back and we get there and it's my aunt's, my uncle, a couple of the cousins, me and you, and we're sitting there over Pop's body and we're telling stories. You know, we're telling stories. We're laughing. We probably allowed at people in the hospital.
I was. I was so taking it back by it because I just was also thinking about when my grandmother passed and how destroyed I was because you think I'm close to my mom's mom, but my dad's mom and I.
Were like when I met you, y'all was super tight.
Oh my god, in separable.
So to be there and witness like your grandfather literally is still warm, like he like died a couple of minutes ago, and y'all are like telling stories and joking. I remember his mouth was like kind of open, and your father kept trying to close his mouth, and y'all were laughing about that, and.
I was like, Okay, I guess so like.
Everybody deals with death and grief differently, you know, But I think it was also the comfort that y'all felt knowing that man, it wasn't sudden, it wasn't tragic, you know, he left with dignity the same way he always Your grandfather was always just like distinguished guy, man like proud and distinguished, and I'm like, man, he went out that way, So that was great to see.
I remember my pops didn't want, well, my grandfather didn't want my nan to go to a home, so he took care of her. He was like, I'm going to take care of and he did that up until the seventies when he couldn't no more, when he couldn't physically lift her up and wipe her up and make sure she could go to the bathroom, that's when he decided this what I'm talking about, the will to live. Once he was like, I think you may need to take your mother to a home. Yes, then my grandmother went
to a home. He went and visited her in the home. And then the minute he saw my grandmother was okaying a home, that's when his health went like this, I have no purpose now. Yes, I was here to take care of her, and then his purpose, his purpose was gone. Then he saw his grandkids, his great grandkids, and he was like, yo, dude, he says, I'm out here. I'm about to go be you know of the people that I grew up with, everybody know my nay, you know what I'm saying.
It definitely giving off cheers.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, sometimes you want to go that's a good episode for that's as.
Maybe, like you know, dealing with deaths like that.
And just to wrap it up, adult children are sometimes not emotionally prepared to see their parents' age, and this can make them avoid the responsibility of helping their aging parents, thus putting off, sorry putting off until life events make it mandatory. So I know we can see that too. I even see with my mom and her siblings. There's six of them, and they all are dealing with Grandma differently. You know, some just don't want to face the music.
Others are in denial. Others are very practical because they're coming from a nursing clinical standpoint, so they can see it from a different perspective. But it's also giving each other their respect and the space and the time to grieve and to deal with and accept it accordingly, and to be.
Honest, just real quick. It was hard for me with my grandparents because that was the place I went to every summer ten to see you spend every summer eight weeks, and then so much of who I am is watching my grandfather and watching my grandmother. So there was a couple of years where I noticed they were declining, and I wasn't mature enough to understand what was going on. I avoided it and my dad so you haven't been over in a couple of days, and it all got busy.
And it wasn't just getting busy, it was the fear. And I think I've told you this that if I go see them, this will be the last time. That same thing with Pass the Boy, you know. Past the Boy lived four blocks away from us, and he would say all the time, you haven't come see me, and I'd be like, well, we'll come see you. Past the Boy.
But it was a fear, and that was also a trauma response because I asked my Remember when I asked my mom to go see my grandpa Titty, And then when I went to see him, he died the next day. So it was just like a fear thing. So I understand when they say some adults and I sound so much more mature now dealing with my grandfather's past, Oh devo so mature.
No, I was not.
I avoided seeing my grandparents for a long time. Want to see them that way. I wanted to remember them when my grandfather will be outside of racing with us in the cul de Sac. Yeah, and my grandmother was driving us to the Boys and Girls club. So I understand about not knowing how to deal with it.
So I'm to face the music.
Adults who struggle with that, you know.
For sure, and adult children can become stressed while taking care of their aging parents and with navigating the health care system, financial challenges, managing their own families. You know, adult children often feel like the burden of managing two households at once. So, you know, giving each other grace as we try to navigate it, because I think ultimately,
at the root of all of this, it's care. It's care, it's love, it's wanting the best for all parties involved, and that intergenerational kind of mix of making sure.
That everybody is okay.
All right, y'all, let's take a quick break and we're going to come back with listener letters. So stick around while we get into some ads.
We'll be back.
Okay, we're back.
All right, we're back. Let's just go on in. Do you want to go first, babe, I'll.
Go first, baby, All right, let's do it. Ha Kadeen and d Vala absolutely love the both of you and your beautiful family. Thank you so much. I have been Day one follower and contemplated writing in for years. Glad you did. Jason, just a little backstory. We love backstories. Pause that sound kind of poors, ready, but just a little backstory. My husband and I have been together since college. We met on campus in two thousand and two, very similar to us, and instantly fell in love with each other.
Similar background to yours. He is an American and I am Jamaican.
Oh.
He also played college basketball. We have been married nine years together twenty one. We have two beautiful daughters, three and six. Before we got married, we struggled with cheating on his part. I always forgave him. He even broke up a few We even broke up a few times, but always managed to get back together. The cheating did hurt. I won't lie, but I always got over it. Plus I always had my guard up. When we got married, I told myself I would put my guard completely down
and trust my husband. I wanted to go into our marriage with a fresh start. That didn't last long. I suffered with high paramesis throughout my entire first pregnancy, and he worked a lot of overtime.
That's severe nausea.
Oh you talked to me about that and your mom struggled with that. Or no, your mom had the ice and the itchy.
The itching, and she had overproduction of saliva.
But yeah, I put it in parentheses because I found out his overtime was not at work, but with another woman.
Damn the overtime.
Okay, I found out he basically had a mistress that he has known for eight years, plus multiple side chicks. He often took the hotels. My first daughter was only a year old when I found this out, and it crushed me. I mean, the girl ended up in therapy for over a year. I was also postpartum at the time. That is a lot.
Double down.
Fast forward. We decided to work on our marriage and had another beautiful baby girl. Even though he claims he doesn't believe in therapy and only went to one session with me, continue therapy and it helped for a bit. He told me he was going to cut it, cut all ties with this one particular woman, the mistress, But I recently found out that they are still communicating with each other. He says there's nothing sexual and he has
moved on and that they are just friends. All the old emotions of resurface, and I do not trust him. Every time I find out he is still in communication with her, he promises to stop. My question is will this never Will this be a never ending cycle?
Yes?
Yeah, it does not have to be a never ending cycle. Does him knowing her for all these years forever ties them? No? Can I ever fully trust him? You can only tell us that, like we can't tell you that. Ma, I feel like this lady is a thorn in my backside that just won't go away. Thank you so much for what you guys do. Halfway through your book, do you want to give for some advice from a woman?
I mean, just based on what I'm reading here.
He's just showing you time and time and time again who he is and what he is, and you're choosing to You know, I understand for the sake of your children and your marriage and loving someone, but he's clearly just using you at this point as a doormat. And he knows what he can and can't get away with,
and he's going to get away with it. And yeah, not even willing to work on it, and not willing to go to therapy, Like, don't believe in therapy, but you believe in having this relationship with the mistress.
It's just giving. It's a no for me dog.
Yeah, I know. I like to play Devil's advocate.
Go for it.
I can't. Oh, I got nothing, You got nothing, because it seems like she's trying on all fronts to do everything. She's tried to be forgiving, she's given chances, she's been to therapy to work on herself.
He's giving lopsided right.
And we haven't heard anything that he's tried to do right, you know, Like to me, I just I like to play Devil's advocate because I like to give people' stuff to think about. But I have nothing to think about it, and you know.
We never encourage for folks to just like get up and leave or divorce everything. We always want people to try to work things out and try to communicate and try to be open and honest. But it seems like he can't even be that with you after all these years and it's like twenty one years together, nine married, like it's giving he doesn't want to be there.
And the truth is we've said this before, right, like marriage is not for everybody. The only thing I can come up with is maybe he's trying to be something that he does not know how to be, but he's doing a poor job at it. But you don't have to live through that, you know what I'm saying. And if this was my sister, I'd be like, Yo, what are we doing. You have a village, you have a support system. Those children will be taken care of. You know, they have an adult mom who's working on herself, so
we're pretty sure. But also, you can't let your daughters watch you go through that and then they're gonna believe that that's what love looks like. You know what I'm saying as a man, absolutely, as a man, because I have sons everything I do I think about. I think my sons are watching, and if I let them think that this is okay to do, they're going to do that to someone else. Or if I let them think that it's okay for people to treat me this way,
they're gonna let people treat them that way. She has two daughters. You cannot stay in that situation and let them young women, see that that's okay for you to live. So if it were me, if you're asking for advice, I would say, you know who he is. He showed you over the last twenty one years. You've given him time and time. Baby, It's time to focus on you and them children, And don't sit here and ask me how can you get over it? You don't have to
get over it. You can move accordingly and be better, do better for you and them the girls.
So love that.
Good luck to you, sis, and thank you for copping that book halfway through.
I love it.
I love it. I hope you get some gems from that. All right, I'll move on to the second and last for this episode. Hey, Kadean and Deval, It's not really a question nor something I need advice on, but just the heartfelt gratitude towards both of you, love notes that you both continue to share, especially when the boys are included. I'm a huge fan of y'all and from y'all's YouTube channel to becoming a member of Patreon, and I also follow y'all on Instagram and let's not forget Candeen's stick.
I guess, y'all my TikTok is a struggle chat, but I'll be there. We both have been.
You both have been an inspiration to my life, and I've taken notes on the things that might be useful on my end. I'm the oldest of my parents four girls, and I can always relate to some things Jack is going through as the oldest child exactly, and I being the oldest as well.
There's like a special light around us oldest children.
And Okay, may God's favor be upon you both and the boys and so as the whole team. And no, you have a fan supporter living thousands of miles away, but we see y'all. Elvis's love y'all and what y'all continue to share with us. Sending love appreciation from American American Samoa. That is dope.
So you all continue to be the light that the world needs. That is really real. Thank you so much.
We appreciate that every time Tribble goes and sneaks in a little gratitude there or something because we don't expect it. But we love y'all man all over the world. Y'all keep us going for sure, for sure, for sure. All right, if you want to be featured as a listener letter, you need some advice or you just want to give us some love, you know what I'm saying, go ahead and email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. And I'm kind of just really to.
Piggyback on that. We've been doing this how many seasons now this is the season thirteen, So we've been talking about a lot of things, and there's some things that we may rehash or talk about because think about season one. You know, the way we feel about some things from season one, we may feel differently now it's thirteen. But if you ever have like topics that we may have like missed, or you'd love to hear us talk about, like,
we're open to that as well. So I figured, let me just go out there and throw this out to y'all. Even if you write into dead as Advice at gmail dot com. You can also just give us a you know, a topic or two that you think might be helpful or useful or something you want to hear us talk about.
Always down for.
An update from something we talked about in season one, two to five that you feel like, how is that going? Because we heard y'all can and I talked about revisiting this sex episode because so many years ago we talked about it. Yes, that was six years ago. Yes, and we spoke about it in the early seasons because we were trying to figure it out and we were struggling. But now we got to a point where we're like, yeah, we found out groove, so let's continue to let people
know how we found a groove. So that's a perfect example.
Absolutely, all right, moment of truth town, we're talking parenting our parents. What you got for a moment of truth today?
Babit, My moment of truth is this man. That's why I said in the beginning, I said it doesn't matter. The reason why I said it doesn't matter is because doesn't matter how much money you make. It doesn't matter your race, religion, ethnicity. At some point, your parents, if they're still here, will become your children, and you will be responsible to take care of them the way they
took care of you. So with that being said, put a plan in place, right, Create a plan that's going to allow your parents to live a long, healthy, vibrant life so that you're not stuck with a burden because you put it off until the point where you can't anymore, and now you're stuck doing something you don't want to do.
Be involved early. You know, you notice your parents aren't eating the right way, they're not exercising enough, they're not taking care of their mental health or sleeping or drinking enough water. Talk to them early, the same way you would talk to your kids. You know, Mom, you're fifty something. You know, how about we try this this way when they're seventy. You're not dealing with those health issues. So put a plan in place with them early, and let's get to work as a community.
Yeah, and if you see something, say something right, like in that moment we talked about being in this house. If somebody has like ooh a a ailment or something coming on real quick, to be like, let's doctor let's go to a healthcare professional and see what this is
and catching it early. I guess my moment the truth for me is kind of like a spiral off of the episode that we did about the sacrificial parent and that relationship, because though we talked about how our parents may have said, you know, they've sacrificed so much and it's not necessarily a sacrifice. Is something that parents should
be doing for their children. If I were to reverse the roles with us as the parent and thinking about that term sacrifice, it's not us necessarily sacrificing, but it's our role and our responsibility to make sure that our parents are Okay, so not looking at it per se as a burden, but like you said, by putting plans in place, making things actionable, so that we're making the plans and that everyone's on the same page and we're moving as a cohesive unit and we're working on health together,
it won't have to be a thing where someone is sacrificing.
It's just what we want to do for our parents.
That's true. Okay, I like that?
All right, y'all be sure to follow us on Patreon. You can see exclusive dead Ass podcast content there. And you can find us on social media at dead Ass The Podcast, I Am Kadeen, I Am.
And I Am Deval and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe, and also pick up that copy of We Over Me, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything you Want out of your Relationship. Yes it is a New York Times bestseller, and yes we appreciate y'all picking up that book.
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