Contrary to what you all believe. Your kids don't owe you a damn thing.
That's a fact.
And I will not throw in their face the things that I have quote unquote sacrificed for them when they're older.
That was my choice.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellises.
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Voice and reading each other publicly as.
A form of therpy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
We about to take philos off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
Story time. So I'm gonna take this back not too far. This was this was recent. You know, me and Jackson been you know what I'm saying, going through our thing, y'all, been. I've been trying to navigate this parent dad coach thing.
You know, it's very difficult.
And there was a moment when we were driving back and I had said to him and I said to him, in a minute, I said it to him. It's going to transfer me back to another story when I was growing up. We're in the car and Jackson is sitting there and he's and I'm like, yo, you seem like this don't matter, and this don't matter to you, playing these games, doing all this other stuff. You know how much money I spent on training it. The minute I started it, I stopped. You yourself, that's dope. And I
gonna tell you why I caught myself. I grew up in the house and my parents you tell me all the time, I want to stay sacrifice. But I remember getting slapped one time because we were having a family caucus and my mom was telling us all the things that she wanted us. And when I said us, me and my brother Brian, because Tory was only nine at the time, so to act like she was an invalid when she wasn't, because at nine I.
Was responsible for.
She at that time, they after she her hands didn't work, her work, but I was responsible since I was eight, taking care of Brian after school, before school homework. So I was just like, not the same fear. And then my mom had said to me, you know how much me and your father's sacrifice to give you guys this life, and you complain And I said sacrifice, I came here off y'all guilty pleasures.
How old were young? Yeah?
I was seventeen. I said that.
Still old enough or younger? Nutsgate knocked out.
Yeah.
So my mother just looked at me, right, and I was just like, I'm just saying so. And when she just looked at me, I thought, I.
Thought, you shut up.
No, I knew to.
Shut up after she slapped me, But before she slapped me, she I had went to keep going, and I guess she was giving me time to pause and rethink what I was saying. And I didn't rethink it, and I was just like, because it's not fair, that's a bow. And then I said, so now I get slapped for having an opinion. And then she looked at my father, and that's when I knew. I said I fucked up
now because you get up for you one. No, I fucked up because I didn't want to get hit again, and if he would have hit me, then a problem.
You know what I'm saying, I'm not gonna win this.
And then my father looked at me almost like nig you.
Know, like how did you say that?
And then I was.
Just like he was like, if I go stairs, all right, I'm going up stairs, all right.
But when I get upstairs, did you ever come back back?
I'm gonna be talking again.
I went upstairs, and I had time to think and to be honest, I was right, like I was really really right, Like the fact that y'all are trying to guilt me into doing chores in the house by telling me all the stuff you sacrificed for me just did not sit right with me. And it was that moment that made me feel right that I realized I was doing the same thing to Jackson when I was in the car, and that's what made me catch myself and I said, you know what, and Jackson, being who he is,
just like what what finished finish? Like no, I don't worry about it, and he was just like no, because then he thought he did wrong.
I said, I think the same thing with you too.
Why y'all always be thinking something I'm wrong because I stopped. Sometimes I catch myself like, nah, this is wrong. I'm going down the wrong path.
Oh well, let us know that, acknowledge it because we were thinking we're doing something wrong.
But I did though I said, you know what, Jackson's wrong.
I can't tell you that I sacrificed for things that you wanted when I told you I was always going to be in your corner for anything you want, and I was going to be supportive. It's not then fair for me to tell you that in a way to guilt you to do things the way I want you to. You have your own process, go through it. If we don't agree on it. It's not because you have to do it my way because I pay for something that's
not fair. And he's, oh, all right, But I caught myself only because I remember how I felt in that time.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, all right. Sounds good now.
Story.
Uh huh. We're talking today about the sacrificial parent and what.
That looks like.
And you like to sacrifice things.
Huh huh.
What you going to sacrifice today other than this song? Because we know you be butchering these songs. Man came about to sacrifice the song go ahead.
No, no, no, I'm not gonna sacrifice a song. But I just thought about it because you always sing this song.
And it's funny because I growing up never sang this song in church.
Yeah, I don't, I at least I don't remember. It wasn't like a staple.
We were more of like the like fusion like you know Jamaican West Indian Seven day Adventist.
Church where it's like rege gospel.
It was death definitely like reggae gospel. You know, we shall have our grand time up in even and it's evan, not heaven, evan.
We shall have our grand time up in even time.
No, it's not reggae, but it's just like the cadence. And then of course hearing the accents and everything, it just made me think of my grandparents church.
However, that wasn't the song for.
Today though, No it wasn't.
But the song for today is your your song that you always sing.
Now behold the lamb, the preciously oh God.
Born into sing that I'm made live again, the precious.
Girl. Oh okay vocal No, no, I'm s shout out to Tamila Man tambly be killing that song.
You know what I'm saying.
She sure does. I didn't know. So that's how I know about the song now because Tamila sings it too. But at the time when you used to sing it, but we used to sing it in a different context though. I think it was just like you were talking about your sister as if she was.
Like yeah, because my parents act like she was the baby Jesus, and it was like she could do nothing.
Me and me and Brian.
Were just like the Israelites, like we were the slaves back then, and they just had us doing everything. And I used to be like I used to feel like Moses, like let my people go, like, let me and Brian go.
Bro.
Meanwhile, Tory come in the house, my father carrying her, and every time I see them might just be like, look at the baby.
Oh my goshirl.
So that became a running joke between me and Brian whenever toy were coming in the room, we'd be like, no, Now, she never knew that she listens to this podcast the whole time.
You in that scoop bond Man that went deep for a long time.
All right, y'all, let's go ahead and to a quick break and we'll get back to chatting more about the sacrificial parent and what that means. So, yeah, we're talking today about what it means to be a sacrificial parent. And this just it kind of struck me one day because I was randomly in my thoughts about just you know, things, and.
One thing that my.
Mom, for years, I mean, and this is since we were kids, would talk about is how much she's sacrificed for us to give us the life that she and my father provided. And for a long time, I think this is why as a child I was so nervous and scared to disappoint my parents, because I would always hear in the back of my mind, I've sacrificed this much for you to be able to do X, Y and Z. So for me as a child, there was
like a very very big weight on my shoulders. And I even think back to, for example, when I was applying to colleges and you know, really feeling in my gut that the medical feel wasn't for me, and also thinking, damn, like my parents have done all these things, like I feel like I owe it to them to have a job that's secure, that'll make me decent money, so that I don't have to have them continue to feel like
they're sacrificing for me. And that was a lot of pressure I felt as a kid growing up because I felt like, like, no matter what I do, I'm always going to be within the confines of making sure that my parents are going to be in approval of whatever it.
Was that I did.
So as I got older, and of course now I become a parent and I have, you know, our four boys, and I'm just thinking about all of the things that we are doing to provide a particular life for them. The question kind of hit me, and that's when I then turned to you and asked you how you felt about it. I don't feel like I am sacrificing anything
now as a parent for my children. What I'm doing is I'm providing them a life that I feel like they deserve because they are my children, and I, as a parent, want for them to experience this type of life under my care.
But it's not a thing that I feel like in.
The long run they'll owe me because of all the hard work and the sacrifices that I've made it that I've made to them or for them over the years. It's more so my children deserve this, and this is the type of parent that I wanted to be. So going back to like my mom and her telling the sacrifice thing, I did speak to her about it once and I said, you know that you coining it in that term. You know that I've sacrificed so much for you.
It almost feels like it's a throw in the face sometimes because it feels like, well, if you don't do X, Y and Z for me, or if it's not to my liking or to my approval, then all of the sacrifices that I've made were in vain. Have you ever felt like that with like your family or your parents, or was that ever the narrative that they've you know, given to you. No.
Absolutely, I mean I feel like that's just that generation's way of communicating that they're rooting for you and make good decisions was to say, I've sacrificed a lot, don't fuck it up, right, Like it's like I've done a lot of things in my life to help support you. For example, your mother worked nine to five, but on the weekends she was driving and traveling around the country so you can attend pageants.
That's something she did not have to do. You said you wanted to do pageants.
So she was like, I'm going to sacrifice my weekends, my time for myself, my time with my friends, things that I could do as an individual, and I'm going to dedicate all of this time to my daughter and hopefully you go on and do great things with speaking and what you've done. But I guess in her mind it's like, Okay, I've done all of this, I've made all these sacrifices, and now Kadem meets a boy, she get pregnant, she not doing anything she wanted to do anymore.
It's like, why did I sacrifice all of that time in years if you're just going to go out and friviously do what you wanted to do on your time without even considering what I've sacrificed.
So I understand where parents come from.
I just don't like when his weapon anytime we as children make decisions that they don't agree with without even trying to understand why we're making the decision we made.
Huh, you know what I'm saying.
I gotcha.
That's a good point because I can see how as a firstborn and as a girl, particularly for my parents especially, I mean That doesn't mean that parenting a boy or a girl is any less difficult on either side. But I can see how from my mom, you know, growing up the way she did in Jamaica, back home the oldest, then coming to America at seventeen, having to find her way, that was a particular struggle that I don't even think I could have done at seventeen.
So I have the utmost respects for.
My mom being able to survive that. You know, a lot of people could have come up here and got caught up in bad company or just given up and went back home to Jamaica and said it was too much. But she was like literally persistent and had work ethic. I think the only other person I've met like that is you, but to succeed.
But I will say this, your mom didn't do all of those things for you. Your mom did all of those things for her herself. She wanted a different lifestyle and that's what she got when she got here. She met your dad, and her and her your dad had a plan for themselves with which included you.
Right, It's not like we was up this.
The only thing I don't like about that statement, Like even my parents, my mother's famous thing to say, and she got it from The Cosby Show is but in this.
World, I take you out, not the Cosby Show quote. Who is that clear?
That? And then Cliff said it at one point.
My issue is that is that parents in the nineties you just say that shit all the time. Y'all make it seem like I was up in the universe just wandering around, stopped saying that, and I hope somebody bring me in this world.
You know what I'm saying. I wasn't doing that.
I actually just got here, like, oh shit, niggas was fucking now I'm here.
What am I supposed to do?
Parents have a douciary responsibility right to society to invest time in the children you're now putting into society.
That's in fact, and so many people aren't.
Right.
So if you vestif you sacrifice for society, you sacrificed for me.
Well, that people are worried about society, then they probably is half the reason why they don't even be given to fuck some time.
You know what I'm saying.
They don't care.
Some people don't don't parent to that magnitude.
But I just noticed that with children in particular, when you love your children unconditionally. And when I say unconditionally is no matter what they do, you always love them. You start to realize how your demeanor, your words, your body language can affect them, and they don't want to disappoint you when they love you unconditionally. So it's just like, dang, I don't want to create this idea that my love is conditional to my kids.
That's a super important point that you make, because I even think about with Jackson now and him feeling like he doesn't want to disappoint us because whether it's athletics or it's academics, he I think finally feels comfortable knowing that regardless of what you bring into this house, meaning grades, regardless of what the outcome of the game is, my
parents are gonna love me regardless. And because we're so proactive about making sure that in that moment, if you did make a mistake, or if you did have a bad test or a bad day, because those things happen, and we give our children grace, it's how you recover from it.
So that's more so what we're trying to teach.
Now. It's not that we don't want you to be or feel like, damn, my parents are so untouchable because they've done all these great things, and therefore I can't even live up to that, and if I don't, it'll be a disappointment.
It's just knowing they're gonna have moments, yeah, but.
Also also letting them know that my life was not dedicated to you. You know, the type of pressure that puts on a kid to feel like I have to perform because my dad and my mom sacrificed so much. Now you're making things that don't even matter, like a game or a report, Because things that realistically don't matter,
you're putting so much more impetus on it. Now it's difficult for them to perform, you know what I'm saying, Like, we as parents have so much power over our children because they actually learn about the world through our lens.
Right, everything they learn they see through us.
When you start to put in their mind like you have to do this for your parents, do this for your mom, do this for your dad, they still then start to feel like everything I'm doing I have to do for someone else, and that's not what I want.
To someone else's approval and standards.
And I don't want that for them. Because then a lot of people take that to their spouse. You know, spouse is like to say that you know how much I sacrifice to be in this relationship.
With your Yes, Yo, I could be out here in the streets. You know how many other men or women want to be get with me.
I could be doing all these things again, weaponizing weaponizing the moment.
And the hardest thing about weaponizing that is understanding that you had a choice as a parent, you had a choice as a spouse. Once you made that choice, you can no longer hold that over that person's head because you made the choice. Now, if you say to your child, look, I noticed that you're not investing a lot of time into this project. And I'm not going to continue to invest more time in your project than you. Yep, so, and I'm not going to sacrifice time. If you're not
going to sacrifice, you're not committed. That's talking about the future, Like if we're making a plan, that's different than saying I've sacrificed so much time already.
You have to do this now. No, Hey, we've done this already.
It's not working, So let me not continue to throw the Oh I've sacrificed let's say I won't continue to sacrifice. So, for example, Jackson knows as soon as he come home from school that he's not going to plan anything between the hours of four thirty and seven thirty because if he has a practice, I'm going to be there. If he has training sessions, I'm going to do it. And I'm going to sacrifice time with his brother's, time with my wife, time with my associates that i'm building businesses
and projects with. I'm going to sacrifice that. Just like today, Joe, my manager, I'm like, yo, I'm not going to be able to make it because we're supposed to have a Zoom meeting. I can't make the Zoom meeting because Jackson has practice and I got it, and he's like, oh, no problem.
D mm hmm.
I'm not going to tell Jackson moving forward, you know how many Zoom meetings I sacrificed this, you're going.
To do it.
Oh, it's going to be listening, bro.
If you're not that serious about it moving forward, I'm probably going to take a couple of these meetings until you show me that you're serious about it.
You see what I'm saying.
A far different approach because I even think about myself. Back in the day with piano lessons, my mom was like, I think it'd be nice if you played the piano, and.
I was like, all right.
Wasn't something that I asked for, but was just like, okay, I'll give it a try, because she wanted to expose me to things which I appreciate too. See if you like playing the piano. I was doing dance at the time. She's like, an instrument might be nice. Not knowing at the time, I think her underlying her underlying lesson which she didn't articulate to me at the time, but after I figured out, was that she was trying to teach me discipline and doing something that you don't necessarily want
to do, but you're required to do. And you're going to see it through because you're going to be required in life to do things that you don't necessarily want to.
Do, but you have to do that's important. So this was by the piano lessons. So the piano lessons.
Love my piano teacher, had a great relationship with him, but my heart just was not in it.
But also too, the approach she took with it was.
You know how many you know I'm doing a weekend job or picking up extra gigs just to make sure that you have your extra curriculars and you have these things that you're doing. And at the time, I was just like, damn, I can't even tell mom that I don't enjoy this, and I'd want to stop, and she's essentially wasting her money because I'm just not interested in
playing the piano. But I didn't feel yeah, but and I did it just to kind of pacify her to the point where I had such severe performance anxiety when I had to play in recitals and I had.
To play in school.
You know, they would be like, oh, kat, he plays Yanna, And she was always quick to say, gad, he plays the piano.
Let's go give her some exposure.
And I used to hate it because I was never fully committed or prepared for it so at the time, which she probably didn't even know herself how to vocalize it, as this was just a lesson for me to teach discipline. For me, it just felt like, damn, if I tell my mom I don't want to play the piano right now, I want to disappoint her and it'll be a waste of money. When essentially she was still wasting her money anyway.
So that makes me think of you and Jackson, and you know the way you can verbalize it to your children, So it's more so empowering them to make the decision to say, am I going to commit to this or is it something that I just rather just kind of back away from it and just say, you know what, this may not be the time, or I'm just not interested, right.
And ultimately, I just feel like it's important to stop weaponizing those words for our children, especially kids who aren't emotionally intelligent enough to understand what's being said.
They take it. It's heavy for them.
It's just like wow, like, yeah, my family is sacrificing, so let me you know. And some people that's so al if they have to learn and understand the idea of a sacrifice and things of that nature, I call bullshit.
You know what I'm saying.
I call bullshit because when you become an adult, you start to realize that if there's something I don't want to do, I'm not going to do it. It's no matter how much you guilt me. The only reason why we do it to our children is because they feel like they can't no, right, so if you think about it, it's predatory and it's social controlling, like there's something wrong, it's narcissistic.
It's also felt like, well, you guys owe this to me because I've done all these things, Like how many times have you heard from random people like, oh, you know, my kid better make it because they got to take care of me when I'm older. Oh man, and putting that pressure on children.
That's that's a big I'm glad you brought that up. That's a big point.
And I've watched this with a lot of my friends who are professional athletes and I was an athlete. And you have parents who feel like, now that you've made it, I get my.
Just do Yeah, you know, it's like a payback thing, like I've taken care of you all your life, therefore you have to take care of me now. Granted, if you are a good person and you value your parents and you are doing well and you just naturally feel innately that you want to help your parents because that's just what you want to do for your parents, then
that's one thing. But it's different when you feel like it's an obligation or your parents are making you feel obligated to have to, and the entitlement takes away from the genuine spirit of your wanting to do it because you want to do it. The expectation eliminates all that me.
And my father went through. That this is a vulnerable moment.
Me and my father didn't speak for six months when I was in the NFL because when I first got to the NFL, it seemed like everything that I thought was like a way to do things with your child changed. I had to use car, I had to hustle, you know, I had to learn how to fix all my stuff on my car, sparks, plug stuff because money was scarce. And then when I asked for a new car. I
remember particularly I'd asked my dad. I said, Yo, I'm going to take out a loan get my own car as long as you can let me get on your insurance.
And he was like, oh, you don't need a new car.
And he's talking to my brother, and my brother told me, Yo, I spoke to Dad, Pop saying you need a new car. I signed to the Alliance right, no signing bonus, no nothing. That was a friend and Tryout went on that trip. Remember I went on that trip. Remember Friday Sunday that Sunday night. When I got back, the first thing my dad asked me was can you help me brother get a car? And I did help my brother get a car in part because I felt guilty, like my parents
satisficed sot me. Yeah, I had survivor's remorse, but my parents, I felt guilty. I was like, dang, like they sacrificed, so this is my sacles to me help my brother. Then I asked my father's like, yo, you said you were going to help me get my brother car. My father said, YO, I don't. I don't have it. You know what I'm saying right now to help you get a car. I want to help your brother with the car, so if you could take care of it, take care
of it. So now I was like fine, I'll take care of it, and I ended up buying him f one fifty and then he ended up putting the rims and the grill on the car.
But then I get back.
From my rookie season and I noticed that my dad has two new cars. Him and my mom have new cars. And I found out because one of my close friends, Balau, who was living with my parents at the time. I was like, yo, what's cool? What you did with for your dad. I said, what you mean, like, yo, you got your parents' cars. And I said, I didn't get my parents no cars.
That was assumption, because.
Yeah, right, and he really gotten a check yet, had you at that point at.
The time when I had gotten the car for Brian And this was the middle of the season. My father asked me in spring and once I started getting paid in during the season, that's when I got my brother car. But then I was like, yo, like I didn't get my parents no car. He was like, I said, my parents got new cars. And he was just like, yo, you got to talk to your parents about that, Like
I know what was going on. So then I spoke to my pops and my pop was like, yeah, I was meaning to talk to you about that, you know, And I was just like, what you mean, meaning when I asked you if you could help me get Brian Carr, you said you didn't even have it the money, And he's like, I didn't because you bought Brian a used car. Was at the time it was fifteen thousand dollars and I was like, go half, he said, I didn't have that, but he said, you know, I already drive an Accura.
They told me if I wanted to get into a new Accurate, it was only going to be fifteen hundred dollars down, and I can get a new one lease. So when I went there to get the second one least, they told me they didn't give your mother one for another deal, so it was only going to be about twenty five hundred dollars down.
So at the time I didn't ask all those questions.
The minute my father said to me he had both of them a new car, I was pissed and I just went radio silent because I felt like I was being used. I was just like, yo, like you made me feel guilty all of this time about you know, sacrifices and stuff. You told me you couldn't help me, but then you went and got yourself a new car. And he said to me, he was just like, you know, I spent my whole life buying stuff for you and your brother.
You had a new car. Think about it. I ain't have no new car. And he's right, But he's right.
Like when I was a senior in high school, my father bought me a nineteen eighty nine Maxima.
It was fly It was black, black rims with the chrome lip.
I had eighteen inch subworphers in the back, like my pops helped me down, you know what I'm saying.
But he never forget, never let me forget about it.
Even growing up in the house, every time I did something wrong or did something he didn't like, it wasn't even wrong. Sometimes if I made a decision and he didn't like, the first thing he would say it was, you know, you don't have to drive that car that I bought.
And it's like, damn, why get me a fucking car?
Every time I don't do something you agree with. So there was one point in the house I.
Just didn't want to count.
I knew you were going to say that. I'm like, you were like, I don't want that car.
I'll never forget. It was a Saturday morning. I did not have football practice. It was on a bye week. Now every other day I had to drive in the morning for football practice. I used to drive to games and I used to do everything Saturday morning. I finally get to sleep in and he's like, yo, can you take your sister to choir hustle? And I'm like it's my only day to sleep, Like, like why I got to take it to choir rustle, and he was just like, you.
Don't be ungrateful. You know you don't have to drive that car.
Say you know what, You're right, And I put the keys on the counter and I went back to sleep.
That is so devout, Oh my.
God, because the fact of the matter is, you're right. I don't need to drive this car. And to be honest, I don't want to know more because you took the joy away by trying to guilt me and trying to manipulate me into doing everything you wanted.
Now that you blessed me with the blessing, so it bothered me.
So that now he has to take to Yeah, so.
He he has to take to and he was pissed. And then me and him got into a back and forth. And at the time, I'm seventeen. I'm seventeen years old at the time got my license because I took drivers that and I made certain sacrifices to make sure I can get the call for myself. I was working in Hogan days to put gas in my own car. Because then I was also pissed. I was just like, yo, if I'm a taker and you're gonna put gas in
my car, He's like, you work. So it's like damn, Like, so now you're not even gonna give me gas to put.
In the car. I gotta take your daughter. Your daughter's your sister. It's like it seems it seems like everything I say.
You have a problem with my guy, everything I say you have a problem with right, But then.
It came back to here, you know how.
To I know, argumentative?
Oh for sure.
Remember the whole comment about I came here of y'all guilty pleasures and he was like, that's your sister.
Said oh, now she's my sister. She here or of y'all?
That was that was like a coined phrase.
That was because because it was the fast.
I was like, I did not ask to be here.
I did to be involved in these shenanigans.
So I didn't ask. I was in there bumping the ground. And Tory came nine years after me. Now she my kid?
I mean, yeah, is my kid too?
To our children, they're the daughters that we've never had us how to be better parents because.
Still parenting them now to this day, but I still have.
I had to have some very deep rooted trauma dealing with my parents over the past couple of years because of the things that they said and did to me, and even even now, up until like the last couple of years, me and my father had like a very tumultuous relationship when it came to finance because he used to always throw in my face how much he did, how he did. So now it was just like, don't ask me for nothing, because you made it clear to
me how much you did for me. And I had all the things I had to do without my life because you did it. Don't then say to me now a reminder of all the stuff you did. I paid that price already. I paid that price. I'm not paying that price no more. And then I had to kind of pay parent. Yeah, I was you know what I'm saying. It was now, be know when I became a parent, I understood he understood it his perspective, and I was like, wow, like he really wasn't trying to.
Belittle me or guilty.
Yeah.
I don't still think he understood what those words were doing to me.
I wonder if there's danger in us saying to think of us as parents now, right, because I know we on our podcasts and stuff, we talk about our parents and we talk about moments and we rehash things. But our parents literally made us who we are, so it's never from a place of like our parents are the worst. It's never that, But of course we use it as a way to learn.
Conversations I've had with my dad, yeah.
For sure, and the way I've had It's funny your mom and my mom and your dad are very similar personality wise, and our mom, your mom and my dad.
Are very similar.
But it makes me think about as a parent when we talk about, like, you know, everything we do is for the boys or for the legacy. I wonder if, like Jackson, because he's a little older, if he, ever, when he hears us say that, feels that pressure or is it just him observing how hard we work and how much we work, is it already innate in him to just want to do well because of that? Because for me, my mom would always do the ice sacrifice, I sacrifice thing. However, it was enough for me to
see her working extra long hours. It was enough for me to see her come home from work, get dinner on the table, get us to bed, and then stay up for another four or five six hours to write her note to do her paperwork. As a nurse. This is before technology, so everything was handwritten. It was enough for me to wake up in the morning and see that she barely took a nap on the couch because she had so much work to do and everything was
building up. It was enough for me to see that she took a weekend to take me to a dance competition, knowing she was coming back to an overload of work. So just seeing those things would have been enough for me to say, you know what. And it's still enough for me now to say, well, you know what, when I'm able to, I'm going to make sure that my parents are taken care of. It didn't acquire her to throw the I sacrifice in every situation, if that makes sense. I'm wondering how Jackson feels.
You know, we have those conversations I tell him. I tell him all the time about a Jackson and anything you're doing now you do not have to do, Like, don't think that you have to play basketball because I want you to play basketball. You're going to play a sport because you have to understand what discipline is for yourself. But you don't have to pick a sport because what I like, you have to pick a sport. Though you love basketball, you love football, you love track and field.
You might want to try Batmanton at some point. I don't care what it is. My whole point with this is you can't quit because you have an obligation to yourself and your team. Yes, I've never said to him you can't quit because of what I've done. Never this way, he feels empowered to do what he wants to do.
Now.
I wasn't always at this point. I arrived at this point after listening to myself in there say the exact words my dad said. I felt self checking exactly how my dad felt like I legit felt like I'm like, yo, my g you said you wanted to play AAU basketball, You said you wanted to get this training, you said you wanted to get all of this. I'm paying this money, I'm sacrificing my weekends. You can't just go out there
and just give me a half assed effort. You know how much money I said it was once I started that, but I knew how my dad felt exaccurate, Like you said you wanted to do all these things, and I'm partnering with you. You can't just quit the partnership when it's convenient. You got to see that through, and I think that's what parents, our parents are trying to say.
I think their choice of words were just a little bit right.
Choice delivery might have been a little bit a little bit right, But we know better, we do better, and that's what we're working on as parents ourselves.
Cut you off, go ahead. I do want to say this too.
I love my dad so much because I was able to have a conversation with him about how it made me feel.
He corrected himself.
We talked so much about the older generation and how they stuck in their ways.
One thing I say about both my parents.
I talked to my mom about my relationship with her dad, and she had told me how she felt, and I told her how I felt. She didn't judge me, she didn't force anything on me. She was like, I didn't know that you felt that way, and I understand why you would feel that way.
This is how I feel.
I'm not going to try to change your mind about how you do things, but I'm not changing my mind about how I do things. Were just going to have to agree to move separately and differently when it comes to this. My dad was the same way my dad apologized, was like, bro, I didn't realize how some of the stuff I did to you and not your brother and sister made you feel isolated. I didn't understand how saying
those things made you feel like you old me. Or he was like, I was trying to teach you responsibilities. I was trying to teach you what sacrifice looks like. But he definitely said, now that I know that, I'll do better and look at you now and for real.
The same way I said, look at me now, so I can.
I'm like, it's never that much, it's never not much, right, but for the sake of like rehashing things and for the sake of us wanting to be better parents. Like that's one thing that Deval and I collectively agree, hon, is that burning desire to be good parents. And I'm sure you know, years from now our kids might have a podcast and talk about all the funck up shit we did.
Absolutely, I'm prepared, Okay, I am prepared for Jackson to say to me because he's done it already with a you told me some things, and I've said this made a fair way, and I've had to sit there.
And and just eat that, and you know what, You're right.
Very emotionally mature. But he's only twelve.
Imagine when he's twenty two, he's gonna be able to pick me apart and be like Dad, when you said, this is how it made me feel. I don't know why you did this, and I'm gonna have to sit back and be like, you know what, Yeah, you're right, And now that you've pointed that out to me, I apologize for making you not apologize if you felt that way, I apologize for making you feel that way. But this, this is why I did it in that time. I
thought it was the right thing to do. It doesn't excuse but I just want you to know there was no malicious intent.
And that's how my father explained to me.
They're just trying to figure it out.
And that's what I realized, figure it out. Parents be trying to figure shit out.
That's a fact.
You know.
It's easy to sit back and retroactively say this is what you should have did.
It's easy to do that.
Oh for sure.
But now as a parent, I understand you know how it's important for us to do that in real time and also be prepared when our children do it to us.
That's a fact.
So as children start to develop their own capacity of empathy, making them feel guilty for simply being is something parents should try to avoid as children develop these emotions, guilt is something they will naturally experience when their actions have a negative effect on others. Like we said, and making your children feel guilty can work to stop behavior in the moment, but it can have a long term.
Effect on their emotional health.
Yes, all right, y'all, let's take a quick break. We're going to get into some listen letters and we'll be back right after these ads.
All right, guys, we're back.
All right, listener letter time.
Yeah, you wanna go first, baby, you want me to handle it?
You go first this time?
Yes, man, All right, Hey, Kadeen and Duval. My name is Kayla South. Kayla. First off, I want to say that I love y'all. He love you too.
I started watching y'all videos on YouTube when y'all were living in Brooklyn.
Oh, it's a long time ago. Now.
I listened to the podcast on Apple Podcasts and I'm a member of the Patreon team Ellis Patreon.
Gang Gang Gang Gang.
I'm currently reading We Over Me Too, We Over Me Gang I'm getting a lot of great advice. I really do feel like y'all are family, and that's what's up. We appreciate you. So. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend going on eight years. I am eight, I'm twenty seven, and he is twenty six.
Cool girl. Sounds like us. We were high school sweethearts.
There you go, and he has been one of my biggest porters and my best friend ever since. We have been living together going on two years, and it's been great here. Recently, we have been having a lot of discussion about our future, getting engaged, marriage, children, etc.
That turns into a heated argument.
I try to listen to my spouse, but once he says something that I don't agree with or has a type of tone in his voice, I get very upset and defensive.
It sounds like you. Then after that you used to get very defensive.
I did, Yeah, I was just making sure you clarifying. We just sound like you. I didn't know if you were talking about her home.
Yeah.
Then after that my mouth gets crazy and I do start name calling. Yeah, I hate that I do that. In and after we stop talking, I do sincerely apologize to him, and he does too, but the solution is not established after all of the fussing. That sounds like us too, That's what he was at that time. I need advice on how not to get so defensive and angry. Oh this is actually perfect, so I can stay calm so that we can have a respectful conversation and come to a peaceful arrangement.
Thanks again, family, Love you guys.
Wow. Yep, that was literally me, each girl, getting defensive and upset over everything because one thing that I gonna do is have receipts in fact time stamps and like all of the things. And what I learned is that I was not necessarily raised in a household where accountability was
a thing. And the minute I started to kind of sit back and take a look and actually listen to what he was saying and not necessarily how it was said or how it made me feel, but just really isolating the fact of what he was saying in that moment then taking accountability. If it was something that I indeed agreed with or he had a point with, then it was easier for me as time progressed, to be like, you know what, let me just listen to what he's saying.
Maybe he has a point here, and then if anything, ask him how he felt about it or not, just trying to find a reason to explain why I felt the way I felt, which is still something that I'm working on. So I think accountability will go a long way in this situation, and it doesn't have to be like a it doesn't have to be.
I think accountability goes a long way. But I also think an upset thing. I think it's not judging your partner for how they feel. And a lot of times we did that, not just you. We did that. For example, I remember telling you I felt a way about I give an example, I felt the way you said something about bags. Your first thing was to defend what you were saying rather than saying, bang, I didn't realize it affected you that way. It was deval. I said it
like this, you shouldn't feel right. And my thing is, I'm not telling you that. I'm not telling you how I feel because I want you to talk me out of how I feel. I'm telling you how I feel to express to you that it bothered me. And if you're not even going to acknowledge that, we don't even have to have a conversation and that comes from Kadeen not judging the fact that what she said made me feel a way, but also not feeling the need to always defend what you said my issues, like think about.
It to explain how we got there.
Yeah, I get what you're saying, to explain how you got there, But when I'm telling you how I feel, explaining to me how you got there or why you got there doesn't change the fact that it made me feel a way. So the immediate lack of acknowledgment to the fact that I feel a way is like, you really don't even care how I feel. You just want to be sure that you explain how you feel.
I recently had a conversation with someone, and I can't say who it is. I don't want to out this person. However, it was a role reversal thing. And this is somebody who you know, I take a liking to, and you know, like this person, love this person, and you know, we're just listening to their scenario. And the person said, and they were speaking about their significant other, she's been doing X YV syself for so long blah blah blah blah blah.
And I told her how I felt about it, and instead of her just saying, Okay, I understand how you feel. She's giving me reasons as to why she did the things she did and why she felt this way.
And I was like, oh shit.
And because I've known this person for a long time and I understand where they were coming from, I literally thought about you and I.
You realized that could hurt.
And I was like, oh shit, another moment, another revelation moment, because I wanted so desperately and to take that person's side, because I did understand like the person had valid points. But at the same time, I'm just like, wow, I can't believe I was on the other side of it, being.
The person because because you were listening to someone.
Someone else, Yes, someone else complained about the same exact thing that you said, you know what I'm saying. And when they expressed to me how what this person said made them feel like, I don't care about your reasoning for getting here, I don't care about how we got there. I just want you to know that this is how I feel. I'm not budgeting on how I feel. And you had more than enough time to do whatever you were supposed to do, and you did it.
That's true.
And I was like, oh shit, that's exactly what the val were trying to say to me, Like, don't don't give me the reasons, just acknowledge how I feel, and then how can we move past it?
At that point? Light bulb moment.
And it's crazy because the stuff that you talk about often with your significant other, your spouse, and it's like getting a different perspective or hearing somebody else say it sometimes just like it clicks, yeah.
Because you listen to the same voice all the time, and sometimes the minute that voice starts, you just like I don't want to hear this already.
And this is the truth. I've learned this in debate class. Name calling is an.
Unintelligent way to let your part, let the other party know that they're lose their winning an argument a minute and yeah, so now what we were talking about doesn't matter, but you just want to attack me personally.
I definitely know I'm winning now.
It also shows that you haven't done enough research to support your argument, and a lot of times that's what happens. We talk all the time about men versus women. I don't think it's a men versus women thing. I think is logical versus illogical.
Right.
If you have two people having a debate, and one person operates in a position of logic where they try their best to remove all feelings and the other person operates in a space of feelings where what they feel matters, it's important to both parties realize that both things can be right and true at the same time.
Or you can coexist because like, for example, when I think of you and I, I don't think it's a thing where it's a matter of logical versus emotional, because you're super emotional and passionate about the way you feel, but also logical, right, And here I am thinking I'm logical.
But I guess I'm just emotion No, I don't know. I do try to be so logical.
But what I'm saying is is like, even when in your space, you're in an emotional state, and while I'm being in a logical state, I don't have to discredit the fact that you feel a way in order to prove that my logic is it is, you know what I'm saying, And you don't have to discredit my logic by name calling or saying something to prove that your feelings matter. And I think people and arguments have to realize that that two things can be true at the
same time. If you put a six on the floor right from the top of the six is facing towards you, in the bottom of the six is facing towards me.
To me, it looks like a six, but to you from that perspective, it looks like a nine.
And we're both right, and we're both right. It's a name for that. Isn't it for two things to pose this and be correct at the same time, to.
Be opposite or two things oppositely.
I know there's a divine dichotomy, which divine dichotomy means that two things can be the opposite but both remain true at the same time.
And that's literally what it is.
And I think that people need to understand that in arguments when I sit down to discuss, because it doesn't have to be an argument before it gets to an argument. When I sit down to discuss with my significant other what our future is going to look like, the way they feel.
And what I believe can both be true even if they're not the same thing.
So what you have to do sometimes is step on the other side of that argument, right, So it's like Okay, I see a six over here.
Mm hmm.
Let me just let me just put my guard down for a minute.
Step one step over to your.
Perspective and let me see. Let me let me let me know. You know what, I.
See what you mean. See, I see how this could be.
But you know what we do to all we know, we defend our stance. So rather than even try to work on the other side of the aisle to see the perspective, I'm going to defend why my stance is more important. When you start defending your stance, you're no longer talking about the discussion. You're defending a stance, not defending the discussion. So now you're arguing about arguing as opposed to coming up with a solution.
And what Kadeen and I have.
Done recently is it said to each other, Look, look, we're not gonna wait and waste time. We're going to discuss things in real time because we've noticed in real time it's easier to get on the other.
Aisle because it's clarity clarity.
Right now.
Let me see, that's a lot of times like hey, well this is this is I have to give you credit for this more often now that she's ever done in our whole relationships. She'll say to me, how you're feeling, I'm like about what you always hear you, like about what you'd be like, how you how you feeling, like, how your heart has your head? How's everything going? And what that does is it allows it opens the door for me to express to her how I feel.
About anything randomly in that moment.
And I know that when she asked that question, what I say now is not going.
To lead to an argument. There's so many things.
When you're sitting you know you're feeling a way, you know you want to talk to your significant other. Wis I don't want to bring this up because I don't want to argue. But then when they open up that door, it's like, since you asked, since you asked, I feel a little bit. And then I watched her and she's like, oh, well, I didn't know you felt that way. You know, I
apologize for making you feel that way. And once and once she says that apologize for making you feel that way, as opposed to apologize if you felt if I made you You know, you maybe don't say if when you put it if or a butt with an apology the apology is now nulling voice.
I didn't even think once she says.
Look, learning you a little bit more, even twenty two years and we still be revelations.
But the minute you say, I apologize for this, and then you start to explain to me, now I've opened hearing. Oh so she at least understands why she's acknowledged why let me let me understand why she said that or did that. And then once she said why I did I said, okay, okay, I'll get it. I wouldn't have done it that way back can see it.
Yeah. So I think that's what they need to do.
They need to just stop judging each other and understanding that an argument doesn't win. You don't win an argument by protecting your stance.
Right all right on to our next one. Hey, y'all, I got to say that your one of my favorite couples. Your energy connecting to each other is something I admire so much and I pray that I can have one day thanks for that.
Here's my dilemma.
I'm a thirty one year old single woman who's in the military, currently stationed overseas, and I'm realizing how lonely I am. I've been married before, but was married at a young age, and obviously it didn't work out. I'm ready to try again and settle down. I'm an attractive girl. I can definitely pull the guys in. I'm also a seven bell meaning I got that.
But she said I could pull the guys.
All right, girl, you better hype yourself up.
I got the cooking skill, I clean, I have manners, the whole shebang. But when I talk to my guy friends, they say I'm intimidating. I can be too much woman or too independent. I don't understand that, guests. I have a career, in my own car, my own house, the benefits from the military, but that's just creating stability for myself.
How can I be at fault for that?
My guy friends will also say that guys want a girl that they can take care of and build with. They say that I'm beyond that. I don't agree with this. Help me understand what they mean, because why a guy wouldn't want someone who does who has done something for themselves, or why wouldn't a guy want somebody who has things going for themselves? Sincerely, a confused woman, PS, I definitely got your book. Pray I can make your live show one day awesome. Thanks for this said, do you want
to answer from a guy perspective? Because yes, okay, yes, because I know you have the guy chats, yes, the group chats.
You have single men all that, so tell me how they feeling.
If you're speaking to a man or men who says you're intimidating by being yourself, then those are not the men for you.
You You have to.
Change your environment, you know those Now if she's projecting that she's independent, because that is a thing now where women lead with I got my own job, I got my own parent.
Yeah, I am the table, I am the catch right.
It's like, that's that's not what I'm looking for. You know, you leading with your accomplishments. That's not what I'm looking for. So some men may see your approach as intimidating, but you being independent is not intimidating.
I'll give you an example.
One of the greatest things that I appreciated about Kadeen when I met her was that she had a lot going on. And what I mean a lot going on. Yeah, she had to ask and she can cook and she did all of that stuff. But she was a pageant winner. She was interested in graduating magna cum laude. She had her own career. When I talked about myself, she talked about her own stuff, She.
Had her own car.
Her mom made it very, very clear that you were not interested in finding someone to take care of you. So those are all things that men would have traditionally said. Now, based on the men she's talking to me, that's intimidating, But for me I was.
I saw it as somebody I can build with.
So my message to her would be, stop listening to the men that are saying you're too intimidating and find the man who is not intimidated by being yourself. Also have some self reflection and say, am I projecting my independence in a way that can be off putting? And if you can, yeah, if you can honestly say no, I'm not, I'm just being me, then fuck what they're saying.
That's a fact.
Don't don't play the damsel and distress thing don't work because trying to fake take me movement, either to pick me don't work work neither. You have to be who you are and your soul will be in alignment with the soul who was looking exactly for you. You see what I'm saying for you and have to conform to anybody's idea of what womanhood looks like to find your match.
That was my thing.
Think about the energy that you're putting out and that you're displaying, because you can be a little off putting if you're coming across as somebody who just does not need a man for anything kind of you know, like we've we've met women like men, even no one like that.
That's just that I could do about myself.
But if you desire a relationship, if you desire to be someone's wife one day, I don't think there's anything wrong with being able to meet somebody and letting them see that you have everything together.
I know we know some men.
That are looking for a woman like you, absolutely that has all these things going for herself. But why not meet someone who's equally yoked that you can then get together and build with.
I'm glad you brought that.
Not everybody wants to be taken care of in that sense.
I'm glad you brought that up because you and I and Crystal talk about this all the time. Because she is a woman who has a lot, who's done a lotself own her own house, ye, own home, owns other properties.
Right, and doesn't need a man to do anything for her.
Yeah, makes a lot of money.
And she asked me all the time, like, you know, I think I'm just too intimidating for men. I said, no, you're intimidating for the man type of me. Can't you know what I'm saying. That type of man who sees
that is intimidating. Yes, but that's not the man you wanted anyway, because in the recent past, those type of men that she dated have often let her down because she tried to kind of dumb herself down and try to do that and it didn't work for her or him, which is just proof in the pudding, right.
You don't want to have to not use this as your full true self and totality, because you have to dim your light to be able to make somebody else shine or catch on.
And you know, Crystal, she's not the type that projects I don't need a man, not at all.
She's very, very warm, literatur Absolutely, she's willing to be and I know people hate this term, but willing to be.
Oh, you know what, I'll use that term rather than the other s one.
Ok So I was gonna say, she's willing to be submissive, and she found a man who was willing.
To submis perfect right, because many hate to hear that.
But she is willing to live in her soft life error and wants to and she wants to. Yeah so, And our message always to her is like, stop trying to change who you are, be who you are and let the person who God has designed for y'all. Because here's the truth of y'all. People ask me all the time that what do you do to dean to do this? And I said, the prayer tell you, God delivered this woman in my life at a time when I did not know I was looking for I weren't.
I wasn't looking for you.
We neither one of us went into college talking about lockdown.
If no, I was about to be a whole hole, a whole me too.
As damn it.
He was about to hold I been about to hold. You can't hold baby, I can't hold. No, you can't right, that's you.
You can't myself because I'm so jealous the thought of you hoing in college, know, the.
Thought of you ohing hypothetically.
I'm talking about the fact that you was been at nineteen thinking about you hold with somebody else that's got me mad, Like I'm mad, I retract that state that I know it's probably the same for you too.
Yeah, but just to say we weren't looking for that and then look laps.
Un working on yourself. God will put you in path with what is right.
For you, your patience.
And be aware, right, don't what you're looking for you may not know is right there. And if you keep blocking your blessings by doing other stuff because you think you can tell God how your life is gonna go, and you're gonna end up being.
Stuck, stuck so looking stupid.
I wouldn't change I wouldn't change nothing life.
No, girl, keep doing your thing.
The person that is meant for you will find you and meet you at your worth.
Forgot what?
Remember we were talking to Tiffany, Okay, Tiffany's now with AKA and she was talking about how all of these women who are now akas are super super successful women and later on in life they found their guy after chasing after the guy they thought was going to give them what they wanted. But now they've settled into who they are and they say, fuck it, I'm gonna be who I am, and they.
Found the dumb messa.
It's not intimidated by their success or their career of their.
Degree, but see somebody that they can build with.
You see what I'm saying.
Yeah, the reason why I wanted to bring that up is because Tifity made that a point, like you look at all of these women that she's now so roars with, and she's like, they're all super successful, making seven figures, have their careers, have their kids. They said they had their practice husband because they when they got married young, they thought they knew what they were looking at at a young age. But now they're old and they're like, nah,
I get it. So sometimes I feel, especially with these questions, they're in their twenties.
Yeah, they're just trying to figure things out. Thirty one years old, single woman, Like.
Girl, you young, right, I don't know what's different.
Probably thinking about that clock and that timeline. I know you are, girls, I know you are, Yeah, I know you are.
All right.
Y'all keep writing into us. We love to hear from you. If you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.
That's d E. A. D A S. S A D V I C. E at gmail dot com.
All right, moment of truth time.
We're talking about sacrificing as parents, the effects of having parents who then in turn kind of let you know about the sacrifice a couple times over and over again, to the point where it builds up guilt or resentment.
What's your moment of truth today?
Baby? My moment of truth is simple. It's a little wordy, but it's some words have power.
Guilting your children using the word sacrifice is not going to teach them how to sacrifice. You have to empower them to realize their own sacrifices and teach them to use their own sacrifices as reason as to why they need to keep going.
So pretty much flipping it on them and saying it's up to you. You sacrificed to sacrifice.
Would you stop?
Rather than saying to your kids, look at all the time I spent, Jackson, Look at all the time you spent for the last so and so months working on this.
Why would you give up? Now?
Think about all of the days that you didn't go to your friend's house to play this, and you didn't go here because you were focusing on practicing.
Don't you think you owe yourself? Yeah, the ability to keep going and not for nothing.
When I do say stuff like that to Jackson, he'd be like, you're right because I put mat.
I was in.
I'm like you did with man, I was in right since you put I in, like keep going going, He's like, respect the process and say yes, trust it and respect it.
Yes, yes, yes.
I guess my moment in truth time, since I thought about this and how I started talking about the effects of like my mom and the wording that she used with me growing up, and how that really made me feel confined and scared to kind of, for lack of a better term, spread my wings and fly because I was so worried about disappointing her because of the sacrifices
being made. I also just want us to encourage I want to encourage you all, especially our generation, to give our parents a little bit of grace because they really were doing the best that they could. And I can't speak for everyone's parents, but for mine particularly and then yours knowing them for the past twenty two years, they did the best that they could.
They did a damn good job.
Because we're sitting here today who we are because of them and at the time understood the lessons. We may not have understood the wording or the delivery might have fallen flat, but it was all for a greater purpose. So let's continue to rally around and support and love on our parents who have indeed worked really, really hard to give us the life that they felt that we deserved.
So shout out to shout out to.
My mom and my dad and to Soup and Ma Yes for being awesome, awesome parents and of course elite grandparents.
We love y'all so much. All right, y'all be sure to follow us on Patreon.
You can find us there for exclusive dead Ass podcast video content that after show we popping is the best part y'all have said it, we know we love it, and you can find more Ellis Family content there as well. You can find us on social media also dead Ass the Podcast and I'm Kadeen, I.
Am and I am Devo And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to wait, review and subscribe and make sure you get your content. We over meet the counter intuitive approach you getting everything you want out of your relationship.
Yes, help us make it to one hundred thousand copies and more.
Love y'all.
Gott dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast network and its produced by Donorapinya and Triple. Follow the podcast on social media at dead ass the Podcast and never miss a Thing.