The Truth About The 4th Trimester

we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Do the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. This storytime is dedicated to my beautiful children. This one,

I'm about to tell you it is no exaggeration. I know he's putting a hunt on ten, but this story I'm about to tell you it's so real that it made me realize that ship was getting real. Right, We're in the bathroom. Ka just just had the baby, Like the baby still got the water and stuff on, the creamy subject on them. He's just looking still looking the same, right, And Bianca brings the boys in to see you and see the baby, you know what I'm saying. And I

watch as they come in. Jackson got his his Nike bag on his shoulders, right, So they go over to you, over to you, Oh mommy, blah blah blah blah. And I'm looking at Jackson. Jackson looking at me. He kind of like, not like just note. I'm like, why are he nodded? I mean, like some problems. I'm like, come mare. So he comes over to me while you're still holding the newborn baby, and he's like, hey, Bay, that what's up. I'm like, what's up? He said, what what time you're

gonna be done here? And I was excuse me. He was just like, you know, I got practice at six o'clock. And I looked at him like, but this is where it gets funny. I said, bro, your mom just had a baby, and he was like, I know what she's done. It was that it was really at that moment that I realized it was gonna get real, because you know who really don't give a shit about the fourth trymester your kids this karaoke bit then I'm about to do.

It's just it's dedicated to how I'll be feeling in the mornings when I wake up because I don't get no sleep. I know you don't get no sleep. Bro, this is probably the most tired we've ever looked like. I'll see this video for the struggle. De Val asked me this morning if he was giving me the signs that I should a check for a stroke, because he definitely looked at me it was like, you left, I

look a little lazy, a little cocked. Um. I said, it's probably because I had my eyelashes done about six weeks so, and I've been dealing with a newborn baby after labor. Bro, Bro, I ain't gonna lie to y'all. Was worried. So he was was having a real serious conversation about scheduling and time and stuff like that, and I said, baby got headache. When the last time you check your pressure, raise your left arm out please just

please hold it up there and touch your nose. But um, this song is dedicated to I'll be feeling in the mornings. I mean sitting at the edge of the bed when I wake up, and in my mind it's on place baby baby, baby, baby baby, and it's just that part baby baby, baby, baby baby. No, it just go back to the beginning, baby baby baby, because it seems like all the days just run back until the beginning of

the day. It's like very groundhogs day up in this bitch like doel that I just got tired all in my throat m because I was thinking of, thank you, mama for the nine months you're carrying me through all the pain and suffering a lot of mercy. But what about the six months after those nine months? Yeah, that's that's when it gets But I need I need a follow up to that that song the nine months and then the whole year after that it takes to get back after giving birth. And yes, it takes a whole

year facts. But you know we're about to take break to take a nap. That was cute, pay some bills, and we'll be right back after this. All right, So we're back, y, We're back, y'all. We are talking today about that fourth try Smester. Yes, okay, and don't try to get all technical. That's what might try to get technical about. Oh, it's not technically a trimester because it's four and four at squad, y'all know what the hell

it is. It's been coined the fourth trimester because why it's that unspoken time that a lot of people tend to breathe over or glaze over, because there's so much attention that goes into the first second and the third, the delivery. The baby is here, it's like great, and then all of a sudden, that's it. You're expected to keep this baby safe and sound and alive and just recover. Right.

But this is something people need to realize, right. You know, a trimester, if you look up the dictionary, a trimester in the dictionary says a series of three months. Right, So people be trying to be so technical. But if you're talking about trimesters in pregnancy, you have the nine or ten months the series, then the fourth trimester would

be the trimester after those three three trime stirs. So people be trying to be like super smart and sound and stupid, you know what I'm saying, And I'd be aggravated. Ill keep it aggravating. This to day because I don't get no sleep. I went to bed at four o'clock last night and had to be up this morning to

do this podcast. So I'm just I'm tired. But sometimes when I try to engage with people and read comments on social media, I just closed my laptop because I'm like, I'm not gonna argue with this person about the definition to try musta when I'm speaking about my wife and pregnancy, Like, I'm just not having this debate, right right semantics? Well anny, who Um, it's funny because yeah, I was just about to get back to the the story of time because it's funny.

I mean, kids will be brutal to you, especially in that for try Like cats occasionally since I've had the baby has been around about what almost a month now, um, cats will occasionally come over to me and be like, Mommy, ahire, you barely still fat, Mommy, you have another baby brother in there, Mommy, when you're gonna have another baby brother. I'm like, you know what, cats, get out of my face?

How about that get out of my face? Um? But yeah, it's that it's that time period where now the baby is born and there's so many things happening, right, so there's a drastic decrease in hormone, right, So that in itself is enough to throw a woman over the edge. Breastfeeding. Do you remember what my boobs look like about four days after giving birth? Yeah? It was It's kind of Jurassic Park ish. It was like scales. Yeah, it looked like what was it? It was Toronto rapped. It looked

like a Toronto Toronto rapper's nipple. Because your boy was like, no, no, no, no, you know this is no I'm not capting. I'll tell you I'm not putting a hundred on ten on these these stories. Bro. I've watched this boy, right, Kay was trying to put him on the nipple, right, and he was like fighting, he was like and then randomly when he was ready, he just attacked the nipple and just like and then I heard, Kay, don't you don't chew

it to it? And I looked over there and your nipple was just getting fucked up, and I was like, man, let me just leave a head because now I'm getting depressed.

After that. You ain't gonna feel nothing nothing. What I always wondered too, It's like, you know, I've had three children before him, right, and We go through the same process every single time, and I figured by now the nipple would have developed some sort of resistance or toughness, But it just has each child, I guess because each latch is different, their mouth size is different, everything is different.

That every single time there's like this learning curve for mom and baby that has to we have to go through this. The nipples they get tough, though, Yeah, because I'm thinking about college. Like like when in college, when I used to like rub against your nipple, it should be like automatic. Now I gotta like slade. When I want to get you a roused, I'd be like punching back, is there anything left in there? And then you'd be like,

oh yeah, and I'd be like, yeah, let's go. Just you got you know, the nipples no longer need caressing now you got up to get that. You know what I'm saying, to get it going, to get it going. See, that's why I didn't work when I was trying to put myself or you were trying to put me into labor. Yeah, they're just like nothing exist. So there's lots of myths

and facts, which I think was kind of cool. Triple found some like myths and facts about postpartum right, Um, what are some things that people think happened and what really happens? Um? The first one, you will fall in love with your baby immediately. That was you with with Dakota. That was true. That was definitely true this time around.

I feel like with each of my boys, I think the one I was probably the most like struck with was Kas only because Cairo was still like a baby, and then I had Ks right after that, so I was kind of like, oh shoot, but I wasn't love though. I know. I think with Jackson, you were the most afraid because I was our first. So I remember watching you and you kind of it was almost like intimidating

having your own child. So with Jackson seemed like you went through this intimidated phase like I hope I'm doing it right. With Cairo, it seems like you just knew because you already had one. With Cass he came so like so quick. After Kyle, you just like, all right,

hand me the baby. Anybody got that one. There's so much time in between and a different point in our life that we're at two where I have a little bit more leisure time, I have a little bit more flexibility that I'm here, I'm president, I'm solely pretty much with the baby the entire time. So but yeah, some

people don't feel that way. A friend of mine did tell me when she first had her first daughter that she would sit there and look at this baby in the bath and that like, so, sis, I'm supposed to like you and I'm supposed to love you, but I kind of don't. And she said it was almost meeting a stranger, like a weird stranger that just would stare at her in this bestnet and what am I supposed to do with this baby? You know? And she said it took it took her a couple of weeks to

actually kind of develop a bond with this baby. So, um, the truth of the matter is that it can take some time. Despite all those happy scenes and movies where you see that make it seem like you should be over the moon instantly, um in love with this human that you just gave birth to. Some moms experience of delaying that, but it just like kind of hit me, right.

But a woman, right, You're used to your body a certain way, You're used to things happening right like you just like say, for example, like you just so accustomed to your body the way it was in college. Not only do you have hormones and all this other stuff and you have sleep deprivation, but then also your body

changes completely. I could see a woman like looking at themselves in the mirror then looking at their baby and just being like, you fucked me up, absolutely, Like like you know, that's how I look at these little big boys that we have run around. When Jackson wants to look at me and wants to give me a little backchat as we call it in the islands um, which he knows that I don't tolerate, I literally look at him and be like, I can point out the stretch

marks that you cost me all my thighs. That's another thing that I want. I wanted to point out. It's like literally the way you put yourself through a microscope after children. I don't. And if you ask most men after their wives give birth, their bodies just be looking the best, y'all, just be swollen and all that. It's almost like you got worn in. Like it's like a mattress. Right at first, the mattress is kind of hard and a little firm, and then it's like after you have

a couple of kids. Not she a little warning, a little softer in certain places, a little wider in certain places. Is that what you mean? No, I meant you gained ten pounds every child in all the right places. So for me, it was just like, after this baby, she's really gonna be banging like yourself. He's calling me a mattress. That's more hid. I did not say that. I did

not say that. But you do, you do? You do seem to be very like in my fourth Travis said, which I've experienced at least with you, that you are very still affectionate. I think you like the softness. Meanwhile, I tend to be in the mirror like, oh my god, this is in the stretch mark. Oh my god, my stomach is still dark. My arm pits are still looking like many vaginas because my milk came in. I've never met a man saying I can't. I can't with shorty man,

she got a stretched mark. I've never met that guy say that ever. Ever, I don't know what. I don't know why y'all tripping. I don't know what I one dude has said that well to an extent. I appreciate my stretch marks. I just learned to live with them at this point. I used to be the person that picked my part myself apart um. But I've learned to give myself grace because why I berthed for whole boys and grew him. So I think that there's something pretty

noble about that, and I do give myself raise. However, um, people talk about the whole snapback situation. Um, I think it's gotten such a negative connotation, just especially with just social media and the portrayal of celebrities, for example, with getting back faster and that being the focus is the body image, right. But for me, it's more of a desire to just be back to my normal, just be

back to feeling like myself again. Feeling like myself again doesn't mean that I have these additional weight on me either, So there's a desire for me to get back to what I wanted to be before. Um. But I think the time frame is what tends to be a you know, a little bit more misconstrued because people think in six weeks, oh, six weeks is when you're back to work because of maternity leave or lack thereof. Don't get me started on that, um,

But the six weeks check up, you know. And I just learned recently the reason why they tell women it's six weeks that you have to wait in order to will a have a check up, be have sex again. Um see, go back to work in America. But it's because the placenta, when it grows in the body, when it expels itself from the body, there's like an internal

wound into uterus that has to heal. And there is still, like with my postpartum preclampson, there's still in that six week time frame a chance that you can still hemorrhage, that you can still you know, have a lot of different issues based on the fact that infection. It is a lot of different things that can happen. Um, because you're not healed. So when they tell you that you should be resting for those six weeks, you legitimately should

be resting. I am guilty of not doing that either, because you know, I'm up and running, I have other children, We're back to work again. Um So I do kind of tread lightly, but I kind of keep that in the back of my mind. I never really knew why it was this whole time frame. Yeah. So, um, and it makes sense you think about it. I think in diameter on average, most senses are about like eight inches. So if that's the case, once you expel that, you'll

have at least that size wound inside. And if that was an external wound, people would probably be like, oh, man, Like, yeah, I just said still so, Um, that's something recently that I found out. However, UM, I know that once I get my six week check up and things are good to go, like, that's when I want to start working out again. It's moving a little bit more because I also don't want to just get settled into where I am now, um, and there is a craving to be

back to my normal self. We do know that wounds internally do heal faster. For example, if you have a cut in your mouth, will cut on your tongue or cut internally does feel faster than the wound externally. So it's not exactly the same. But I also want to

interject on the whole snapback thing. You know, after years of watching people interact on social media, I've started to understand that even with the snap back, when you hear like the backlash, oftentimes it's a projection from people who were not able to just get back to where they were for whatever reason. It could be health reasons, it

could be time, it could be resources. But when someone puts out that they've snapped back, when you see all the backlash from people, typically it really has nothing to do with that woman wanting to be back, but everything to do with all of the people who could not get back to where they were. And I think, I think what happens is people and then internalize other people's projections as to man, maybe I shouldn't snap back. You can't tell someone how they should view the best version

of themselves. If someone views the best version of themselves is then being the exact same way as before they got pregnant, that's on that person. If someone views themselves as I'm not getting back until I'm ready, that's on that person. But because of social media, we take everyone's opinion as gold, you know what I'm saying, Or if you have a mass number of opinions, that's the truth. There is no truth. The truth is we're all out

here just just guessing, you know what I'm saying. So let people live, especially women who have kids, like we should refrain from projecting our issues or what we view as right or wrong on women i've actually who've actually given birth. I've kind of adopted this and I've gotten too a more peaceful place in my life when I started to realize that my opinion doesn't really matter on other people's lives. Right, if you think about dead as podcasts, what do we talk about here? This is my opinion

on my life. You understand what I'm saying, right, Take what you want, listen, don't listen. My opinion on other people's lives really don't matter. So in turn, other people's opinion on my life don't matter to me, and I'll be I've been able to sit in a more peaceful place in my life because of that. Yeah, there's a less arguing, les's back and forth, let's having to debate

because why people don't have their opinion regardless. And that's the point for women going through the fourth trimester, because this is a point where you have to get back to yourself. And if you're concerned about what other people think about how you get back to yourself, that's a sickness like think about. No one can physically go in your body and help you get back to yourself, So caring what other people think about how you get back

to yourself. It's just and I mean, on the contrary, I've heard some women said that they liked themselves after they had baby. Baby. They liked the way their body look. They're okay with a little bit more weight. So they're like, you know what, I'm in the rush to lose weight or snap back because I'm comfortable where I am right now. Um, So do you do you second myth you'll get an iron boost from eating your placenta. Let's talk about this. Um.

I tried. Yes. This was after Cats, So I had the home birth with Cats back in New York, and I'm like, if I'm gonna do this whole home birth experience, I'm gonna go all in and go all out. So what did I do in my placena? I didn't quite want to do the whole saving the placenta. I hear some people freeze it. They may put it in a smoothie and drink it. That was a little bit. That was a little bit too much for me to think

about doing. However, I did have it um dried and put in a pill form and I would take it. And the claim was that if you do that with your placenta, you would experience, UM, increasing your milk supply, more energy, iron boost, UM. There are a lot of different benefits that they were claiming that I would feel. I can't say that that's something that I experienced. I

don't know if it was mentally for me. Sometimes I felt like I did take the pill and I had energy, or I could have just had some coffee that kicked in. Who knows. So apparently the truth behind the placenta is that as trendy as it is nowadays, according to UM a study publishing the Archives of Women's Mental Health, it says that there's actually no proven health benefits to eating

your after birth. All that time you have me trying to take this pac pills and I try to tell you all need to take it, and look, so let's just stick with our multi vitamins and UH somewhat balanced diet if you can, and leave the placenta for the fetus.

And then this time around, we actually discarded of the placenta, but I did do delayed cord clamping with both Cats and Dakota, so they were both able to get all of their blood from the placenta before we the court or devout cut the court, I should say, snip, snip. Postpartum depression. That's a big one when it comes to the fourth trimester. I know me. I wouldn't say that I've experienced depression this time around. However, I do know

that my emotions are on like super high. Yeah, because you just be sitting in a bed crying super high. Like I can literally cry like the drop of a dime. And why something I don't really know, or it could be maybe I do kind of have an inkling where I want to cry and then the tears just come. It could be happy tears. I don't really think I have postpartum depression, but I see it in my bed and I just cry and I don't know why. Um well, no,

I don't think it's a depressed state. I think it's just like a heightened sense of emotion state that I'm in. So the simplest thing can make me cry. I can watch the television show and be like, oh my god, you're so sad, or oh my god, that was so happy, or oh my god, I love you so much, I'm gonna cry, or oh my god, my nipples hurts so bad, I'm gonna cry. Like there's so many different reasons why I'm gonna cry. But when it comes to postpartum depression,

the myth is that it will affect your child. I would think that that's the truth. If you are depressed or feeling experienced and postpartum depression, that you will then or your child will fee the effects of it. But the truth of the matter, according to this study here, is that probably not. Postpartum depression is very real, and if you suspect that you have it, you should get help. But don't assume that the negative feelings will transfer to

your baby. I was there talking about a transfer of energy, I guess, um, But a study conducted by the Norwegian Mother and Child cohort Um found that prenatal and postnatal maternal depression has very little impact on the child's psyche. I guess after the psychological development. Um, it's far more detrimental I think to the mother of course, especially during um, or the children rather during preschool years, which I don't know.

If postpartum depression is something that lasts that long you think of postpartum, you think of that for at least um year after having the baby, but apparently some women experienced it longer than a year after they have their children. Um, I don't think there's a time limit on postpartum depression. I think it can. It can. Postpartum is postpartum, like you postpartum five, ten years after the baby. Um. That also goes back to like you said of not finding

yourself after, you know, after you've had the child. And I think there are different things that can affect Uh. Well, I guess is there a range for that's considered now postpartum is over? I mean, I guess in the concentrated form for me at least, I'm thinking maybe the first year the first year. However, no, because you think about it, then there's also like the child goes on to like terrible tubes for example, may have elapsed you know, in

feelings whatever or three. Um, So there really is no time frame, I mean, unless you want to ten years later be like I'm still experiencing it. Who knows. There may be other factors. It may not be postpartum per se, but there be maybe other levels of depression that someone's dealing with. Well. I remember when I don't know if it was a listener letter or one person in particular, said that they they had never dealt with their postpartum

depression and anxiety. When the baby got here, and as the child continued to grow and go through different stages, it got worse. So in a way that postpartum depression still continue to linger through and and you know it was but it might have been in the live show. She said the child was like two three, And then as they got older and they start to separate from being in the body first and then being more independent,

the moms then started to feel more depressed. And she went to go see someone and they said, you know, this is a form of postpartum depression. Yeah, because there's a separation anxiety that some moms have, you know, after you have the baby and now the baby is not in you, so you can't protect them. And as they become more independent, start to walk, start to reach different milestones, the mom starts to feel less needed and less important,

and that depression and spiral. That's probably why this article is referencing maternal depression during the kids preschool years, because there's the separation. So that makes sense. Look at you remember and stuff when people sending When people talk to us, I really try to pay attention because I want to I want to help as many people. Plus, I want to be able to reference that if I notice anything with you on myself that doesn't make a lot of sense because that feeling of like, oh my god, my

child is no longer. It's like a protection thing. You know. You feel like the best when the baby is inside of you because you feel like I can protect this little person, and then once the person comes earthside, you're like, Okay, this person is not in my body anymore. If the person is, if this baby is not with me all

the time. I even felt that, think about it. When I went to the hospital and I had to go in for the preclamp shot, I was like, you know, completely beside myself at the idea of having to leave the baby. Um, you know which, I don't cry about leaving my kids, you know on a regular day. However, Yeah, I can totally get that myth you lose the baby. Wait if you breastfeed? Some people say they do, some people say they don't. I've heard women say that they

do lose weight breastfeeding. I've heard some women say they gain weight after breastfeeding because they feel like they're required to or their body requires them to eat more, or they tend to snack more, or they crave different things. Some people crave things after the baby while they're breastfeeding versus craving during the pregnancy. So um, that's going to be something that's different for everyone. I don't think that there's like a standard, but I do know from also

doing postpartum training. Remember I used to train people for ten years and studying you know from exercise physiology. People also attribute not a tribute, but they equate waste loss with weight loss. And I think some women in the beginning, once they start breastfeeding, remember your uterus still has to contract, your stomach is going to get smaller. That's not necessarily weight loss, that's waste loss. So some people may think

it's a myth. While I'm breastfeeding, my waisted getting no waste. That's in your actual wast So if you think about it right, you haven't really lost any weight from the time you had the baby three weeks ago, but you've been breastfeeding and your waist has gotten smaller because your uterus is contracting. So some people coordinate the waste lost with weight loss when it's really not weight that you're losing. Your uterus is contracting and your stomach is getting smaller.

And some women say, oh, while I was breastfeeding, my stomach was getting smaller, but then when I stopped, it didn't. Because I used to have women say that to me. It seemed like in the very very beginning, while I was breastfeeding, because some women only breastfeed for a month or two. And the first thing it says, while I was breastfeeding, my waist was getting smaller than the minute I stopped, my waist stops and I'm like right, and I'm like, no, that wasn't your waist getting smaller. That

was that That wasn't your weight. You weren't losing weight, Your waist was just contracting. That might have happened with me and cats, because I feel like after I had Cats, I went down the side and then I went back

up again. You see what I'm saying. And I was like, how did I get back to youre like, now you know, I'm six pounds shy of where I started this pregnancy of Dakota, and I got on the scale before delivering him, I was like, my biggest that I've ever been any pregnancy had him, I was at one s one and then just completely was like, I'm not even gonna look at the scale. I just happened to step on the scale the other morning and I was down to one eight. I'm like, wait a second, how did I get back

to this so fast? You know? Fluid loss? Fluid loss, Yeah, that was a big one because I had a lot. I was retaining so much water. Yes, your your legs were swollen, your hands were swollen. And what people don't realize that when you've retained that much water, you could lose ten pounds of water in a day easily, just by fluid. And I know I have not one piece of muscle, so whatever you see here is a little bit.

It's all fat. That's relative, so I know. But people need to realize the difference between weight loss and waste loss, especially after having a child, when not uterus is contracting and it's stilling to get smaller, you feeling like you're getting snatched you and lose no weight. Maybe you just you know you stomach is going back down to but god damn it. If you feel good and it makes you feel good, you feel good about it, but enjoy

it and celebrated. But then I just I don't want women to think that, oh, it happened because I was breastfeeding, and then try to go to breastfeed and still eat like crap and not work out because I think that as long as our breastfeed, I'm gonna tine to lose weight. That's the myth. Yeah, you still have to be healthy.

You have to treat your body right, treat your mind right. Yeah, and if your breastfeeding and you want to produce milk and quality milk, you should be eating the right things anyway. All right, one more for the road. And if you'll want sex right after the postpartum period, well, actually no, I tend to, I think because I've I've not wanted sex at all, especially during various points in the pregnancy,

particularly the very beginning and the very end. Um. I look forward to the six week check up period postpartum, and I personally look forward to reconnecting with my husband, which is something that I have not been able to do in months. Um So, for me, I know that i'd be ready to get it popping. I don't know about nobody else. Um So, apparently that's the myth. But the truth is sleepless nights, constant typer changes, dryness, all the things that new mothers tend to experience, sex is

usually the last thing on their mind. Um, but I think that's relative because I'm on the contrary. I can't wait to jump your bones again. I think during during all of our pregnancies after this, where you'll be looking for that six week check up, around week three or four, that's when you'd be like, how much long have we got? And I feel like it'd be all the backed up months of you not being able to get Now you're like, all right, baby, let's let's go. That's how we ended

up with cast. Before we leave, I just want to talk to the gentleman a little bit about how the fourth tryn mester affects us, because it really does affect us a lot. Need to be aggravated. Ok, you've gotten so many phone calls, I think recently from friends who have had babies recently, Bro, that you have to talk off right, b Yo. I've had friends called me right and they'll really be like, BRO. If I knew she was gonna be like, and I like, Bro, it's gonna pass.

But you have to understand that this is the This is the main thing that I tell people sleep deprivation for one person can be like a problem detrimental to anybody's mental health. But two people both sleep deprived, two people both sleep deprived, and then trying to exist and deal with a new person, that is a recipe for the disaster. I'll give you an example. Right. One of my homies, hard working dude, he was like, Yo, my wife crazy. I said, why your wife crazy? Bro? He's like,

listen to me. I go to work so that she don't gotta rush to go back to work. I said, baby, don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I got this. It's he gets it right. He goes and work eighteen hours a day. Sometimes he's like, I'm gonna take as much over time as possibles. Why have money coming in? While he's at work, his wife will be calling him like, oh,

you're not coming home, and she got an attitude. So he's just like, I don't know what to do because I'm trying to give her an opportunity to spend time with the baby, but I need to make money. So he says, freaking, I dropped this overtime. My head home. He then heads home. When he gets home, he tries to help out. Everything he tries to do when he's home, she says is absolutely wrong. Don't touch me, don't touch the baby. You's just better off going back to work

because you're no help. So he says, okay, he goes back to work. Then he goes back to work and she's like, oh, you're just gonna leave. So then he's like, you just told me to go back to work. So then he goes back home, tries to help again, don't touch me, don't touch the baby, just stay here. Then he stays in the house so he can be present, and she says, oh, so you're gonna sit here in the house and do nothing. It's like, I don't know what to do. I don't know. I don't know where

to go. I don't know if I'm going to supposed to stay. I don't know whether the kiss, I don't know whether slapper. I don't even know if that baby is mine anymore. I just don't know. And I was like, bro, it's not just your wife, it's all of them. I remember the same thing when when we first had Jackson. I couldn't change in the right way. I didn't do the bottles the right way. I didn't hold in the right way. And I used to look at like it's

your first baby, to how you a baby expert? Like we have to come through my from through my door before my own kids. So I was pretty much a pro by the time we had a baby. Granted, we we tend to give young women more responsibility with handle newborns than we do young men. You know, they ain't gonna bring a baby to a young eighteen year old and say hey, hold this baby, So I will give you that. But that don't mean that there's only one way to skin a cat. I took care of the

kids the way I needed to. The thing is, I learned very quickly once I had to go back to work after Jackson. Remember you were at home, dad, and I was out working, because that's just where we were in our life at that point. And you found a way to make things work because I had to be out there working and you were building your business and babysitting, well not babysitting, you were taking care of your child. So you found a way, and I was I was very um quick to be like, well, if it works,

it works, you gotta do what you gotta do. As long as I don't see what you're doing, as long as I don't see the way you're strapping my chat. Who was it that you tied to the bed sheets so he wouldn't crawl off the bed? It was cats. He tied my baby to a bed sheet, like literally as if he was going to like scale him down the side of the building. Tied him into the bed sheets if he would crawl away. So let me explain, he would literally podcast back. Dad lodged. Let me explain

dad logic. Oh man, moms be mad that I tied my baby to me. I tied the baby to my waist so that when I felt the tug, I knew he was close to the edge of the bed. Now, shouldn't do that. But Kay and her mom both let all of our kids fall off the bed at some point in time. If you have tied them to the sheet, they would have never fell off the bed. That's false. Why we run around letting their kids fall off the bed.

Sometimes somethings be crawling up by himself. If you would have tied this sheet to yourself, the baby would have never fell off the bed. Then fall. But my point is dads have their own methods, and gentlemen let me tell you something. Bro, Let me tell you something. Gentlemen, do not let your wife or your baby mother tell you that you are not a good father because you're

not doing it the way they want it done. Put your foot down, start early in the fourth trimester, show her that you have the strength and the mental capacity to be a good father, because if you don't, for the rest of your life, you're gonna be questioning everything you do with that kid, like Mimi does. Every time I leave here, many be like, dudes, do you you know what you're doing? Jackson is team okay, he survived. I think I'm doing okay. That should be like, or

do you like that? Does me? If I go to do something with the baby, he knows I need a break, he'd be like, down, go to sleep, Go to sleep. I got the baby. That's what I do. Sleep. So I can tell your wife is shut up some tongue, because she'd be questioning me. I go to pick up my back. I don't have to take this. I'm going to take a nap. That's all. I want you to take your nap so you don't gotta be sleep deprived.

That's a fact. So other common common symptoms to look forward, just so y'all know in postpartum depression and your frustration, feeling overwhelmed, being easily exhausted, feeling insecure, repetitive, worrying, and crying spells for no reason. Wait a second, I'm checking a couple of these boxes over here. Hopelessness, struggling with an emotional connection to the baby, loss of interest and

activities you've always loved. I might actually be mildly depressed, y'all, now that I think about it, Like, I just don't like people right now. I don't like to be around people, don't like company. Um, very selected with who I want around me, and devious, just like it used to be such a social butterfly. And I'm like, I'm not the less postpartum and the pandemic. Like I think a lot of people are feeling that way because for a year

and a half, life hasn't been normal. We've all been in the house dealing with our own things, our own things, and our own people. So now I'm just like I can do without people. But um, having a sleep problem and feeling irritable all the time. Well, there's so much when it comes to this fourth trimester, so much I'm curious to see what listening to this we have this week. We'll see if they're gonna tell us anything or ask us anything about this pregnancy life or this baby life.

Before we go there, you know, we gotta do take a break. We gotta take a break, y'all. We're gonna take a quick one now and move into a list of letters after we get into some ads. So stick around. All right, guys, we're back for listener letters. I'm going to dive right in. Al Right, here's my question. They really did dive right in like I was. I saw that for a second. I was like, wait a second, is there a part that I'm missing? So here's my question.

I recently been thinking about having more kids because I finally started dating men of proper caliber. That's a good choice. I don't know what you were dating before that, But all right, um, she said, take that exactly as is. Okay, I got it. Is my last pregnancy, I was alone. I had a horrible hospital birth, was sent home twice

while in labor. At exclamation point wow, I had to drive myself to my last O B G N appointment while in contractions, all while my son was drinking the amniotic fluid, got induced, gotten epidural, all to be wheeled into the o R for a C section because my son's heart rate was dropping, all while my son's father was with his new woman story for another time. Because of this, I want nothing to do with the hospital

birth ever again. I would like to do a home birth, but I also have to factor in that I sorry, I just scrolled up too fast. I also have to factor in that I have herpes and may have to act for a C section. Yikes. I'm wondering if laboring at home and possibly going to the hospital last minute would be the best course of action, or maybe just opting for a C section altogether. Sweetheart, this is there's

a lot of medical variables here. I don't even think I would be qu equipped enough to give her an answer. Between herpes and already having a C section, those are things that I don't know about, especially with childbirth, so I don't even feel comfortable telling her what's the best thing.

I would say, consult with your O B, G Y N. Yeah, definitely trust and and have her tell you what's the best option, right because from what I understand, like it's not impossible to have a regular vaginal birth after section if you've had one before. However, I know that there's

more risks involved with that, so it's not impossible. Um, but I definitely think that that's something that you would have to probably discuss with not only O, B, G, y M, but possibly a midwife if you were just thinking about a home birth, so that way they can let you know their level of comfort and what that would entail if you were to um deliver at home. But yeah, and I'm not sure how the herpes um affects the birth, so I don't know how to answer that.

I'm not sure either. I believe it's if you have an outbreak at the time of delivery. There's a possibility that if the baby passes through the vaginal canal that they could potentially get it somehow. Um, maybe like on their mouths or eyes or something like that. But um, but yeah, you're right, I wouldn't know too much about that to be able to give. I will say this one thing about this listener letter right that I can greatly appreciate. She said, I finally started dating men of

proper caliber. This is important for people to realize. When people make general general realizations about the opposite sex. All men ain't ship, All women ain't ship. Realistically, you just showed a lot of people the type of people you like to date. Think about it, because I don't know how many people that are in the world, probably like a trillion people. There's no way you one person can

have dated all of these people. But what it is showing is a pattern of you making poor choices with the type of people that you date and then projecting that on the entire world and saying all people or all the type of people you they are like that. So what people have to do, exactly what people have to do is take accountability for the people who they give their time to before they make generalizations. Can see what I'm saying, is everybody aint ship? Or are you

just dealing with a ship people? Right or not right? You see what I'm saying. There's a difference. You see what I'm saying. And what I can appreciate from her is her realizing that, you know, I was making poor choices, and since I was making poor choices, that things were happening to me that I could have prevented, and it started with who I chose to date. So I want to point that out. I could appreciate her for taking some accountability, because you know, one thing, I'm big on accountability,

realizing where you made some mistakes, reflecting. So alright, good luxus number two. Hey, y'all, so let's get into it. Boom. This person is from New York. Check it definitely from New York. I'm with three kids, six three months and seven months. Wasn't playing and a husband, which was a whole stretch because I had hyperremesis every pregnancy. It's like a very severe form of nausea comedy. But my husband really wanted a girl my last child. Any who. I

know how that feels, buddy. Any Who. We don't want any more children due to the fact that I get so sick during pregnancy. So me and my partner have not had sex since my daughter was has been born because I'm too afraid that I will get pregnant. That's seven whole month. Damn man, he had sex or seven whole months. I have not gone on birth control because I'm afraid of what it will do to my body

and how it may make me feel. I have brought to my husband attention several times they needs to get snipped, and he says he will keep uh, he will, but keeps putting it off. So after months of this sexless life, George Jaws hurt. I told him we need to use condoms, and he gets an attitude and says he doesn't think he should have to use condoms with his wife. That's the benefit of being married. Like what, I'm confused because he don't want any more children either. I feel like

that's selfish because I don't make sure. Because if I don't make sure he gets his he walks around here like somebody stole his bike. So my question is, how do you go? How do y'all go the whole time having sex but not getting pregnant until you were ready? Well, somebody got to get on something because I had the I U d N at one point, I was on the pill at one point throughout the course of our life. Somebody got to do something. If if somebody don't do something,

Kadine is going to get pregnant. Okay, And what I'm gonna say here a lot of men are gonna be pissed. But this is just the fucking truth. I've asked this woman to have four kids for me. She's been pregnant, oh nine months for all four kids. That's thirty six months of pregnancy. She's been on birth control all those other times, and we've tried different things. You did, the hormonal I did, You did the ring, you did everything, and they caused different things for your bodies. Like like

you just went through so much. I feel like there's literally been twenty years of me being on and off something, if not pregnant on sort of birth years. I'm gonna get snipped. I'm just gonna get snipped because I don't want to have any more kids. She doesn't want to

have any more kids. So right now, in this moment, and we and we haven't made a final decision if we wanted to have kids or not, but if that's the final decision at this point in our marriage, I'm just gonna get snipped because I've already asked you to do so much, and I know how pregnancy can literally be life or death at moments. I'd rather just go get snipped right and then the effects of birth control body, and we'll be doing that until the end of time,

like you know what I mean. Plus, like we said before, we realize how birth control affected your sex life. We've had the best sex in our life when she's not on birth control, so fun that. And I don't like using condoms neither. So I'm gonna get snipped. I'm gonna be shooting this water and I'm gonna be shooting the club up knowing that I'm good. The only thing I just want to confirm is that my nut don't change.

I don't want to have a watery nut a water nut that I don't know, but from what I hear, the nuts stays the same. But what I'm saying is that my nut consistency change. That we're gonna have to reconsider this because you don't want no water every nut. Do you think I actually don't want to see what I'm saying, And I don't think it's I'm joking. Guys, we know they're not gonna get water. I'm joking. Okay, is this Joe? You know? People some time to take

you too serious. I'm a little delirious cause I'm tired. But if that was the thing where I gotta wortery nothing, I'm definitely not getting snipped. But your nuts stays the same. I got four friends. About four friends is an outpatient procedure. Like another buddy of mine, he just had a child. He said, I'm done. He had this fifth child. He's just like, yo, it's wrap. So, buddy, if you really want to have the best let me talk directly to

you in the camera. If you want to have the best sex of your life with your wife, you don't want to have to wear a condom. You don't want her to have to be on birth control. You don't have to worry about being pregnant. Just get snipped, bro, get snipped. Nothing happens. You don't lose no hair, you don't lose no muscles, your dick don't shrink like everything

stays the same. The only thing that happens is you can't have kids seven percent of the time, right, we know somebody point three, Yes, we know somebody point three. That's because he didn't go back to get his nut checked. Um, maybe I can get a two for one deal. I'm not going to get my nuts snipped with a dude. Pause that pause. That what we're supposed to be sitting there with our joints out together, like, uh, we snipped, buddy. Women an y'all crazy, y'all crazy. We don't want to

do that. Some things is personal to us. Turn anything into a little date. Women do that get lunch after no, no you. First of all, there's another thing too, ladies. This is while I got this, while I got the mic. Right, pause, don't stop setting your husband's up on dates with your friends. Yo. Some niggers don't like other niggas. Yo. We don't want to have to be sitting there with each other with matthew sweaters and ship because y'all want to do stuff together,

all right, nobody wants to do that. To stop, just stop, all right. You put me on a date with one of your friends and me and it's the husband. Don't talk no more. It was it was a thing where she was hanging we were hanging together. He was corny, was wild corny. But it was the thing where I don't want to not include you either, And then you do, feel free to not include me. I'll stay home, watch TV. I'll be a better judge of corn and character in the future. That was fun. That was fun. It was

some fun fun listen letters. If you want to be featured as one of our listen letters, y'all you know what to do, email us at dead s Advice at gmail dot com. Yes, that's d E A. D A. S. S. A. D v I C. E at gmail dot com. Moment of true time when it comes to this fourth trimester, Listen to your body, ladies. Um. I know people are throwing around the whole giving yourself grace term right now,

but literally like, take your time, take your time. You figure it took nine almost ten months or sometimes longer for some women to become pregnant, grow an entire baby, deliver that baby, and then now have to take care of that baby. Right. Don't be in any rush to to bounce back in six weeks, to bounce back in three months, to bounce back in six months. Take your time, and if you want to bounce back in three months, do it. And if you don't want to bounce back

in three months, don't do it. Do whatever I think being able to bring forth life. You should be able to do whatever the hell you want to do in whatever time frame you want to do it in. How about that? And don't let anybody shame you for feeling like you either want to get back or you don't. What do you want to do? Sis, that's the question. I agree with that, while also remembering to be of service to your partner, because if you're in this life together,

you should always be of service to each other. So yes, do whatever you want to do SIS while being of service to him. If he is of service to you, will I will just definitely. But reciprocity, Yes, reciprocity. My moment of truth is prepare for the fourth trimester. Had a lot of buddies that felt like you, I can't wait till pregnancy over and over and the baby gets here because it needs to be easy, not realizing that when the baby gets here is when the real work starts.

So everything we talked about is familiar to people who have children. At it's your first time having a child, just be prepared for it. I don't think that your child's mother is crazy. Don't think that you're going crazy. Don't think that you're not compatible. Don't think that the baby fucked up your relationship. Sleep deprivation, hormones, a new new person in this space can create a change in the environment, and that's it's going to cause both of you, right,

It's gonna cause both of you to pivot. So it's normal. It's normal. Give it time, give each other what grace, grace, and keep it moving all right, y'all, So be sure to find us on social media at dead as the Podcast, and you can find me Cadine, I am and I am Devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be

sure to wait, review, and subscribe. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcast and never miss a Thing