The pursuit of happiness is a solo sport.
Dead Ass. I like that one.
It's extreme too, if you think about it, it's so extreme sport. And Baby, the minute I am broke free of the shackles of being concerned about what everybody else thoughts, happiness, baby just came bubbling nowhere.
Dead ass, dead asss Hey.
I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout, and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therpy.
Wait. I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth.
And I think about the truth. We about to take Billows off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
I'm gonna take y'all back to.
Two thousand and way back in to time ity Tenkay, And it's the crazy part when I talk about happiness in this has nothing to do with relationships particularly, but we're gonna talk about how it affects relationships.
But twenty ten, I just came back.
Kadeen and I were trying to figure out what was gonna be the next steps. We knew we wanted to get back to where were financially in the NFL, but we didn't know exactly how to start. And I remember I was starting to build my sports performance business and I was at poly Prep working. I trained a young man named Dave Frederick. Shout out to Dave, went on to Wagner played offensive line for them Division one school.
It'stat alland shout out, what's up, Dave.
But after I trained Dave, Dave had given my brother and I we changed him for two months and afterwards he gave us one hundred dollars each and a bottle of wine.
I was like wow, like like a light bulb went off.
It was like it was like, Dang, I can actually get paid because of my expertise. And I actually saw his transformation. You know, he lost some weight, he got faster, bigger, stronger. I said, I could teach athletes how to get an elite shape. They can be like like Dave's like the prototype, oh elite prototype athletics.
That light bulb moment.
So we're in Brooklyn, We're at poly Prep.
Poly Prep is one of the most expensive schools for day schools in the in the country, all let alone Brooklyn, and I started to tell people what I wanted to do. And every time I told someone what my plan was, they were just like, I can't see it working.
And I was like, whatch me.
So they started giving me all of these reasons as to why I would work. First, they was like, okay, you got one person to pay who is at poly Prep. That person is at poly Preps. Money has money. I said, okay, I could make it work in inner cities. Yeah, but if you make it too cheap, you'll never make any money. I'm like, dang, that's true.
Right then there was we don't really have any athletes that come out of New York like that that do anything.
Remember all of that. Yep, nobody's gonna pay for that. Nobody cares enough. Poly Prep it's a different thing. So I said, what if I get a gym and I can charge more because I have a space and they're not training in the park.
Oh, training in a gym is too expensive. You won't be able to do this, you won't be able to do that. Blah blah blah blah blah.
So for about a year, I listened to everybody else, and I was traveling around the city.
I spoke at in Brooklyn, the Bronx Queen, I spoke in Long Island, spoken Stanton Island, spoken Jersey, just trying to get some kids to join the program.
And I listened to what everyone was saying. I set my price point based on what everyone else told me. I set my location based on what everyone else telling me, and I also set my plan for marketing based on everyone else telling me.
And you know what happened. It flopped. It flopped. We went around.
My brother and I spoke for eight weeks, going all these different locations and engaging in all these different conversations with people, and we only had three kids sign up to this camp in that summertime. Two of them were family members. So at that point I was about to quit. I was like, man, this will never work. But then I said, you know what, Deville, how about you just go back to what you thought you were going to do in the very beginning, like not doing a version
of what everyone else wanted to give me. Why don't you do your own version? And I did, and ten years later Elite Prototype Athletics was a fully fledged business in Brooklyn that serviced the community but also was then able to generate enough money where I could buy my own gym and branch out and doing a lot more philanthropy work. So the moral of the story is stop listening to niggas okay.
Who have not done what you're trying to do.
Fact, and I'm explaining how this relates to happiness when we return.
Oh, the trickle down effect.
So I actually have a different song, different type of song.
Right, you were very excited about this karaoke song. I want to hear what it is because you think about a lot of songs that deal with happiness, right, because I'm happy.
But I think we've done that before.
Well, the thing is, that's a great song, But you don't just get to be happy, right, No, you don't just get the struggle of it getting to the happy.
So, speaking of the pursuit of happiness, this song is a score let me see if you know it ready.
It is giving a beyonces and take it to the mom you just so I know you just saw beyones, sweetie.
Also, everything is beyond.
You don't remember the scene, okay, so I'll paint the picture for you. There's a gate, there's a gate. There's a basketball. There's a basketball in the bag. A kid is holding a basketball in the bag.
He gotta fro Jaden Smith.
Yes, yes, all right, clicking but gag.
Okay, okay, don't ever let nobody tell you can't do so.
It's dream. Gotta protect it.
Oh, you're right.
You see something, Go get it?
Period, brother will, brother will, brother will?
What happiness? Now that it makes sense, it makes sense different.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was more the score of the music, not the song song. That's sure, as he wasn't on the soundtrack, so I don't believe.
No, it's a score, but I'm pretty sure it's a song that's attached to a song for sure in the soundtrack.
Right.
But it was very impactful. Yeah, and yeah, makes.
Sense that that scene in that movie meant a.
Lot to the scenes in that movie.
Yeah, when you say that, I realized, like then there was another scene but that scene in particular because it was like he was talking to his son, but he was talking to himself.
You know what I'm saying.
It's trying to get himself to believe it right, right.
He was talking to himself out loud so his son could hear it, but it was just almost like yeah, And he also realized how he was projecting all the stuff he could do on his son.
And do you well, I want to say favorite scene, but the most emotional for me was which one them in the in the bathroom when he sleep there with his son.
But yo, that's that's let's take a break. I want to go back to that scene. Let's let's take a break. I want to go back to because this is actually dope. It's actually dope. All Right, we're gonna take a break, pay some bills, come back, and we're gonna discuss everything we're talking today.
Perfect, Okay, we're back.
We're back, all right.
And I really wanted to talk about this movie, but also I wanted to talk about how this movie and well not just this movie, but the ideas that this movie portrayed kind of reflect exactly what it was that created what you and I have and how we can project this onto as many people as possible. Right happiness Right, happiness for a lot of people isn't how they feel. Happiness for a lot of people, is everybody else telling them that they've reached a place of happiness, you know
what I'm saying. So, for example, in a relationship, I know, I don't know if guys do this as often as girls.
But I know women do this. Right.
They meet a guy, they're happy with the guy, then they ask their friends what they.
Think about the guy all the time.
Right, And then if their friends don't approve of the guy, now they no longer liked the guy that they were excited about because they didn't get the approval from their friends, right.
You know what I'm saying. Men often don't do it as much.
I don't want to say that, because you know, we always seek approval for our friends too. But it's like if I like Shorty, I like Shorty, Like you can say what you want, but I like Shorty. You know what I'm saying. I feel like for us it's a little bit different. But that's not even the whole point. That's a completely different discussion. The point is is that other people can take your happiness away when you seek their approval for the things that you already feel happy about.
And that's the sickness.
I can see that.
And the scene you talked about before we went to break was when Will was in the train and I'm gonna show you how powerful this scene is.
He's in the train.
Station, and prior to this, they had gotten kicked out of a couple of the homes that they didn't make the time frame that they were supposed to get there to get a bed.
So this was like nowhere to go, literally nowhere to go.
It was him and his son. They had the little thing that he was calling a time machine, and his son looked distraught. So he knew that the only way he could get his son to go along with what he was doing was to make it a game. So he was like, oh my gosh, this is a time machine and we want to be in the caves and the dinosaurs, and he started to talk to his son's imagination until he watched a smile come over his son's face and his son became happy. Then they went into
the bathroom. He closed the door. May act like the bathroom was the cave in his heart. He was crying, and then we watched him cry as he was scared, but his son was calm and happy because his dad told him he should be happy.
But that, to me is the power of projection, but also the power of.
Learning not to let other people project their ideas on you. As a child, It's okay if my dad told me I should be happy and everything's going to be fine.
As a child, you're like.
Cool to say.
That's a difference like a child, And that's the beauty of being a child, right, the beauty of just knowing, like, oh, I'm going to go with the flow, and I really got anything to worry about that in a sense alone, Man, you know how many times I wanted to just backtrack, just go back to that moment.
You have no worries.
But we can even see it with our children right how we approach anything. For example, Jackson's first debate competition, right, first debate competition, the Valot had an opportunity to.
Go away that weekend. We both said absolutely not.
I was being honored at an event that I was supposed to be accepting the award at. Could not attend because why we absolutely had to be there in that moment and It was for me in part because I knew that I needed to make sure that he was going to be okay with this being his first debate competition, and instead of me projecting the nervousness or the doubt that I may have had in that moment on him,
we took a totally different round, and we do. There was so many different things when it comes to our children, but just showing the excitement around it and empowering him and showing him how to prepare for it, it really
just changed the whole tie absolutely for him. So as a child and a parent, or at least within this relationship, I think we've become more I think at this point now we understand that the kids really feed off of every little bit of energy, and that they see us happy in a moment or think that we should be happy as we approach something that could be scary, They're bought in it, really bought in absolutely.
I mean that's a great point because you and I have learned over the last year and a half how to change what we project onto our children. Right because we were talking about the pursuit of happiness. But that scene with him on the basketball court, he shot the ball and said I'm going to the NBA.
And then his dad was just.
Like, you know, you're a little bit tall at an average high you know, not really athletic. I wasn't really athlete, so you may play high school at best. And then you watch his son put the ball into his bag, and that's what made him realize, like, you know what, that was messed up, that I just did that right to my son. But that lesson and the lesson in the train station and what you just mentioned about Jackson
is really what I want to touch on today. Right, we have two responsibilities of people, right in the pursuit of happiness. The pursuit of happiness is not only to find your own happiness, but also not deter other people from.
Finding their their happiness.
Yes, right, And that's really what I wanted to touch on, which is why I chose that song and we chose this movie. Because people think you only have one responsibility. And in this world today, we've all become extremely selfish. Right, It's all about me, me, me, me, I I self care, self care, which is very important, you know, but they've turned mental health into a selfish thing almost, you know, right, A lot of the narrative now is I got to
take care of me and screw everybody else. But I want to challenge that because we have two responsibilities as people. We don't share this world with ourselves. We share this world with a bunch of other people. So I think we all have to learn the power in seeking other people's approval but also unnecessarily projecting our perceptions of life onto other people because of what that can do for their happiness.
I also think self care, too, is sometimes not even just a scapegoat per se, but it's just making sure that you are taking care of yourself so that for so that you can be of service to other people that were it matters right, right, So taking care of yourself so you can be of service to your family or to your children, or to your career if that's
what you so choose. I just think that waters get a little bit muddy when people use self care or use mental health as a way to just make an excuse or to bow out a situation where someone may be depending on them or they may have, you know, as a particular role that requires them to act in a certain way or to perform in a certain way, and then the scapegoat becomes oh, not mental health, oh self care.
You know, so it could be tricky.
I feel you people need to really look at what qualified as a mental health emergency and what is just like I don't feel like doing it, you know what I'm saying. But realistically, in the pursuit of happiness, you should do what you want to do unless it puts other people to at is a detriment if your actions
are a detriment to other people. And that's really what what I want to focus on, Like why do we as people always seek affirmation from everybody else for stuff that we are going to be responsible for in our lives, And that's relationships, career, children. You know, people ask me all the time like how are you so comfortable sharing your life? Like how are you so comfortable sharing? You're not concerned about what people say? You're not concerned And
I learned this through football. Right, people are entitled to have their opinions about what you do and who you are they are. Everyone is entitled to think what they want to think, but you, as an individual, are also entitled to block out the ideas and opinions of others. Right, We don't share because we are seeking affirmation. I don't put something on the Internet hoping that everyone agrees with
what I do. I'm just sharing what I do as a testimony, as a possibility for someone else to do the same thing if they choose to.
If you choose to walk in the same life as I do.
Say you want to be monogamous, you want to be married, you want to have kids, you want to get into TV film.
Here's an option of how I did it. That's all it is.
I'm not sharing my life for people to confirm that my life is great or horrible. And I think oftentimes because of social media, that's what their happiness has become.
That's absolutely it. Someone recently, I forget what event I was at, and a young lady was making a post on her Instagram and she said, I don't know about this picture.
I like it, but I'm not sure. But you know, I'm going to post it in this moment.
I'll just turn the life off so that way I can't see how many people like it or not. And I was like, what was the purpose of that? And She's like, be cause it's gonna mess with me. It's just gonna fuck with my head. Like if I post it and I only get a couple thousand likes, then I'll probably just archive it or take it down. Wow, So I said, so you're strictly posting this just to see what other people will think of the photo, and because you don't feel confident enough in this photo.
It's like a trial and everything. Let me just post it and see.
Let me take the likes away from it for my quote unquote mental health, because if I look at it and there's not enough likes on it, then it confirms the fact that this was.
Indeed not a good picture.
And I'm like, Wow, that's the process that some people go through when it comes to just something which we think is as simple as posting on social media.
But it's not that simple for some people.
It really is and has become like the be all that ends all, and that barometer for people deciding what is good for them.
And it's insane.
It is insane, Like I'm glad you said. I'm glad you said insane because to me, that is literally the world. It's insanity. It is insanity for you to believe that if you put out a piece of art or something into the world and one hundred percent of people have to agree with the same thought process of what beauty is or what intellectuality is, if that's even a word.
But the fact that you think that is insanity.
Like there is never going to be a time where everyone agrees that something is right. You know, there are nuances throughout life, and I want to implore people to challenge the notion that everyone has to agree with what your life is for it to be great, because we don't write like if your life, for example, my life, for what I want it to be, is great because this is what I want out of my life for
someone else in a different part of the world. Hell, even my next door neighbor could look at my life and say that's too much. I don't want a house that big. My other neighbor could be like, that's not enough, that house is too small. If I'm concerned about what they feel about my house, then I'm not in the pursuit of my own happiness.
I'm in the pursuit of someone else's happy. You see what I'm saying.
Half the time, the pursuit of the happiness that others that you're in pursuit of. They don't even be happy neither, so they won't even know what makes them happy either. And it really clicked to me, and you helped me with this so much when we met and as we started dating and building together in our relationship and me just as an individual, I was raised to always seek confirmation and affirmation from outside sources. It could have been someone as simple as my mom. It could have been
as simple as my grandmother. It could be simple as strangers who I have no dealing with, who have no impact on my life. It was always about how something looked to somebody else. Example, when you and I will plan the trip to go to Jamaica, it was spray break right the first time Devana and I were trying to go away on vacation together Spring break book the trip to Jamaica.
You had never been. This was two thousand and maybe.
Right in college.
Super we were in college from break and his dad went ahead and booked I think maybe through his time share something this you know, resort for us to stay at for spring break week. Initially, I already knew what I was dealing with when it came to my mom and dad that I had to present this as some sort of group activity so that Deval could potentially get lost in the shuffle right, presented it as a group activity.
The fact that we thought this was going to work is insanity too.
For it's being nineteen years old, right, So I'm like, okay, if we're presented as a group activity, then we have more of a chance that my mom would be like, all right, Kaden will.
Rule with the girls and the guys will room together. Right.
Sure, I'm smile so hard if you're not watching on Patreon and you're listening, I'm smiling so hard right now because this was insanity to me that we actually thought it was.
Gonna work, right, and it did.
In my mind, I was like, like, yeah, it's a group. We're all going away to spring break. People were in college. That's what people do, they go on spring break trips. So then as the trip got closer, she's like, well, who's going Who's mom?
Can I speak with such and such? As Mom?
I'm like, we're still doing that, and I'm in college twenty years old.
It's still doing that. So then I could vote pretty much. I could vote with smoke. Okay, yes, and my cigarettes. I don't smoke cigarettes either, but I'm just saying, you know.
So, then it came down to the time where she wants to speak to all of these moms to be, you know, on the same page about what's transpiring. And that's when I had to say, well, mom, you know all these people backed out and it's just going to be me and de vou.
The way you kind of broke it down is like he was, you know, so I finally had to come to it and tell the truth. No, you said, finally had to come do it and tell her. Everybody else back down. This is what we thought was gonna work the.
Truth right in this moment.
So clearly at this point, I'm like, oh, that was had already paid for this trip, like we can't have this man lose his money, Like how dare we? So I figured I was just letting her know that it was just going to be me in the vowel, and she was just like you go away with him some together?
You and some why some? Why are we together?
How exactly do you expect for me to tell your grandmother this? And what will your aunt say when you a girl of your caliber it's traveling overseas.
This is why she said all of this.
I was sitting right there and I was tapping k okay while we have this conversation with me right here now, with me, just do this right now.
And I was like, first of all, it's not a why. Okay, this is the val my boyfriend who you know? Was this while you were still coming by the house?
Did you say I was still coming by the house.
It was after this whole thing is that I was like, I ain't coming by because after the whole comments and picture me Sharon Joseph, director of nurse and riverman I Care Center, she went down her whole occupation.
It's her whole Imagine me telling people that my daughter is away with some wak break.
Picture me, director of nursing riverman Caena telling the people I work with my daughter as away with some why and Jamica overseas for days at a time.
It was like, how did we get here? How did we get here?
Bruh?
And it was simply that was the reasoning. Though that was the reasoning. It wasn't that, you know, guys, I think it's that little inappropriate. Y'all you know are underage. I don't think you should be going away together because of X y Z reasons, because of safety, none of that. It was strictly because what would people think or say about me and about her as a parent. And that is literally the microcosm situation of how I was raised
to always be concerned with other people thought. And finally, once you and I started dating, and you just really showed me like, Okay, what exactly do you have to gain by being so overly concerned about what other people think?
Who are these people? First off?
What are they offering you in your life that should allow them to dictate the things that make you happy? And I really was like, you know what, bye, George. It clicked, It clicked, clicked.
People ask all the time how did I get here? Right? Because even you asked you was like, how did you get to that point? You grew up the same way.
I grew up in a Southern Baptist house where everything was about church and church folks and the clergy and what would this person think and that person think? Like it was so bad in my house growing up, I had braids. My mother would make me undo my braids every Saturday night because she felt like people would talk about me being a dog if I went to church on Sunday with braids, to church with my afro out.
She'd rather me have an afro than wear braids because braids was associated with hoodlum activity.
But afros wasn't. No, it was like the dumbest thing.
So you just walking to church, which fists up and you know me, I'm just gonna play all the way in.
I will black the whole time.
Oh god, it was a funeral every Sunday I went to church and I'm proving the point, but sell you. But this is how I literally got to this point, like I'm not this great person with all of these ideas of how to solve happiness.
You know what happened? Football happened. And the eye in the sky. You know what the eye and the sky is. Don't lie the iron. The sky is the camera.
They film every practice, they film every game, and you get a chance to watch what it is that you do.
And when you for years have.
To watch what you do, but also watch what you think you did and then watch it on camera, you realize that your reality, your perception, is not the reality. So then you start to realize but wait a minute, if my perception is not the reality, that means all the other people's perceptions ain't the reality neither, So why am I listening to people who are going to have a slant view of what I do with my life. I'm the only one that can control what my life is.
I can't rely on other people who have slanted perceptions of what my reality is to tell me what's gonna make me happy. Oh, tell me what's gonna work for me. That's why it works. With jobs and work with your kids. I can give you every idea. For example, when it comes to your kids. Oh, I wouldn't put my child in that school because my daughter did da da da da da da dah. So now, oh that didn't work for their daughter, it won't work for mine, right, Not true,
Not true at all. I've seen so many different families and different walks of life have successful kids through Brooklyn. I have kids that went to Polyprep. I have kids that went to public school. I have kids that went to specialized high schools like Bronx Science in Brooklyn Tech. And they've all been successful in all these different walks of lives. But if you ask them during the time, what's the only way to be successful, it's what they did with their children and made that successful.
Yeah, you see what I'm saying.
So watching that over years, first through football, But then watching how people interact with their kids, I realized, like, yo, you have to make a decision for yourself and learned how to navigate what your reality is instead of listening to other people. I've also watched other people with their kids try to follow other families and it not worked to work out.
That's so true, it don't work out.
Think about when we were signing Jackson up for his first year of school, so we were doing our due diligence as brand new parents. Right, there was such a process, particularly living in New York and Brooklyn with the school system right public schools were depending on where we were we were zoned and probably one of the worst public
schools and Crown Rights. Then there were an interview, like a very rigorous interview process with us and with Jackson, and for private schools and the independent schools, then there's just like, oh, what's the right there's a test for him.
It was almost a test for us.
I feel like I felt like everything was was we were on a display. It's like they were touching us right you know where, and it became stressful for us, like wearing the right outfit at the time, and like not saying the saying the wrong thing, like was Jackson gonna have a good day where he was like on and you know, there were so many different things that
went into that school process. And someone told us about a program I think it was called Early Steps, Early Steps where they were able to you go and it's pretty much all minority children.
Early Steps for what it was.
Yes, so devout aunt chiddy, shoutout town Chatty told us about Early Steps Steps and this is where pretty much all black children came to be in this pool of color.
It wasn't all black children.
True, but majority I would say majority.
I say that because it was probably one of the few ways that black children could get into the schools, right private school, whether it be a scholarship or whether it being like they're taking only two to fill their diversity quota, whatever that looked like in the moment, which was another whole thing for another day.
But this is what the process that we had to take.
Whereas your cousin Cale was successful in it where she made it into the program, Jackson actually ended up making it into the Early Steps program and he was one of the children that they were now trying to sift into a independent school and he ended up being waitlisted for I think majority of the schools and never ended up getting in.
Well, no, remember we he had got into Brooklyn Friends and they had sent us the bill.
Remember we had got into Brooklyn Friends. Yes, and k calls me, Kate calls me, that's the right the email. The email came in for Brooklyn Friends.
Which we loved too. At the time, we were like, this is the bombs.
It wasn't far from us, yeah, and we were just like, okay. Well, she was just like okay, so it's gonna be three K. So I said, okay, three K over ten months, that's three hundred dollars a month.
We can do this. She laughed, laugh she said, I said, I said, why are you laughed joking?
Now?
She said, it's three K a month month, thirty thousand dollars. I said, for for brea K. What are you teaching my son?
That's okay.
There is nothing that they can guarantee me that this child will be or do at three years old for thirty k.
In no way, there's just there's no way.
And that was just like, you're absolutely right.
And at the time, there were so many people around us telling us, if you want your child to have a good education, you got to go through this.
You can't put them in a public school.
The only way, it's.
The only way.
And we were just listening and we were stressed out, we were paying in and then Mayor Deblasio won and he announced UPK, which is universal pre K, which means that the city was going to pay for anyone going into pre K that year and they didn't have to go to a public school.
They could go to private schools and get a stipend.
Yes, So Jackson qualified, yes, and that's when we found the learning, the learning experience.
They had a great time there and some teachers, and I was like, look at God, look at God.
And we really did not have to pay a cent after.
That, and we chose and you know what, we got some flack from people, not flack, but it was like, he got a chance to go to Brooklyn, friends, why don't you just find a way.
And I said, it's not about finding a way.
At the time, we couldn't afford thirty thousand dollars a year for private school that we just couldn't afford it.
This wasn't a thing.
And everybody who had opinions, I was like, do y'all want to put up a selection plate, go fund me.
I don't know. We didn't have good fund at the time.
We did not have trying to do this. Then you no, yeah, we didn't have the money option. But that's a great story you told, because think about it. If we were so focused on making other people happy, you know, we would have did we would have scraped top all our pennies and been spending our money for three thousand months.
And struggling, struggling.
Instead, we chose to use that money to invest in our future, and we sent them to TL and it's worked out very, very well.
And then from TL they were able to between them and us, you know, really just working with him. He tested for the Gift of the Talented program, was in the ninety nine percentile and then that was a whole other mess where they put him in the school all the way in the.
Yeah, it was a Bronx, the number three, the number three, the number three school.
In the city, which was amazing, But I'm like, how am I going to air lift him there?
Every day?
Like how exactly what was that going to get in New York traffic to and fro. They literally made it impossible for us to even be able to take him there, which ended up happening. And then I had to fight tooth and nail to get him in the Gifted Intelligent program. Well he tested for it, but getting into school that was in Brooklyn that was close enough for us and feasible.
So I say that all to say, if we really think about what other people are going to think of the journey that we take with our children, with ourselves, bruh, it's an instant set up for failure.
I got to give one more example and then we can take a break and do listening letters. I gave them an example with work, not listening to people, we were able to advance our careers because we followed our hearts in your relationship. This is how the pursuit of happiness will help you in your relationship and not seeking affirmation for someone else. I get this all the time. Listen to this scenario because I just got it with you. Okay, and yo, d what's up?
Was good?
I see Kadean went to Sweden and go see Beyonce? Yeah she went with girls? Yeah cool? How long would you let your wife stay away?
You know?
She goes in the girl's trip and I'm like, what would you how long would you let your wife stay away? And then I remember when when dj Envy was talking about Gia had went away for three weeks and they had asked us when we were on the Breakfast Club Shout Out the Breakfast Club, shar God and dj Envy, they asked us, you know, like, you know, would you be upset if your wife went away for a girl
shrip for three weeks? My first thought process was and DJMV literally had the same thought process though, but why would I care? How upset y'all get about what me and my wife decided on? But then it made me realize when people asked me though, how long would you because I see K went away, and I'm like, dude, why are you asking me what I think is okay for my wife?
What do you think is okay for your wife? And what is your wife think it's okay for herself? That his questioning and their questioning is a couple to me, is the problem?
Well, maybe he was trying to get some sort of confirmation for you, like see devour only let K go away for four days when you want to go away for a week.
But that's the problem, And that's the problem.
That's the problem is that you can't find happiness if you're trying to tailor make your relationship to other people's standards.
If you we over me New York Times bestseller Me Baby, But but but seriously, though, it's like we as people consistently find happiness with our partner and then let other people talk us out of our own happiness.
Yeah, doing that? Why would you let your Why would you let your girl do that? I would let my man.
Same thing with you. Remember when we were younger in our relationship and I go to strip club with my friends like that, and you would get them comments like you still let him go to strip club. It's like, yo, you know, like if we found something that works.
For us, the man, he is as an adult. He is an adult who can make a decision, an informed decision. I was informed. Am I supposed to have a problem with it? Then you'll be thinking that you're crazy. Sometimes if you don't have the problem with.
You feel crazy.
If you don't have a problem, but you like, I really don't have a problem, Like you're supposed to have a problem. Now they're disrupting your happiness, but you've let them disrupt your happiness by including them in a decision that you've already made.
Bruh.
Be careful of the people you have around you.
I have another person recently got into a relationship, you know, was in the first maybe three four weeks of the relationship, you know, disclosed to me. You know, this is the person that I'm seeing now. Really like this person, awesome individual, like, you know, hours on the phone, like feel like I knew him for years type of things. So I'm like, oh, this is giving me a devo vibes. I'm like, girl, you know, maybe this is your husband, you know. So
we're chit chatting and everything. End up going to an event where we see another friend. Well, this is a friend of hers at this point, this is not my friend. This is her friend. Now, okay, so you have to tell me about this guy. Her friend comes and she's like, don't mention. Don't mention the guy I told you about. And I was like, oh, okay, no problem. So the three of us are there, we're chit chatting, and she did not want to bring up this guy.
And after the fact, I was just like, what was that about?
And she was just like, just because I feel like you know, she's my friend, but I just feel like anytime I show that I'm like remotely happy about something, or you know, meet a guy, and then she starts to get weird or she tries to convince me why this.
Is not a good idea.
So I said, Oh, your single friend over here, that's been single for the past six years. You know, that's just been like trying to figure it out for the past whole life. Yes, that's who we're trying to compare notes with. Okay, gotcha, she said, But yeah, I just don't feel that energy anytime I seem like I'm excited about something.
So I said, well, that means.
That you need to rehash if this person is indeed a friend or is this person in their own competition with you? Like you can be in situations like that where you don't even realize that the people closest to you are deterring you from what could be one of the happiest moments or one of the happiest things to happen in your life because they are jealous, jealous, not happy exactly wish they were in that position to misery loves company.
Oh baby, were gonna be single together forever?
On some Golden Girls type shit like you know that is also a very big possibility too. So it was crazy in that moment because I'm just like, Wow, I'm like, this is supposed to be one of your good friends that you cannot even disclose this too because for fear that she will try to steal your happiness from you in that moment, So y'all be careful who you have around you.
I feel you on that.
Wow.
Here's the thing, though, You're never going to know who that person is. Well, you will know at times and when you know you should separate them. I want people to realize that those people can give opinions you don't need to listen to.
You don't, you don't, you don't, but you.
Know what you need to listen to these ads is coming up next transition that I'm becoming the host of dead Ass podcast.
You know, listen after eleven seasons.
After eleven seasons, baby, I said, let me take you. You take your stab at it, all right, baby, I hate I'll be taking a lot of stab sure as no do that part. We'll be back, y'all.
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All right, y'all were back for listener letters. Let's get into them and see what y'all talking about today. You want to go first, baby, go ahead.
First of all, I want to shout out my sister for putting me onto y'all's podcast. I knew devout from watching the team and sisters shout out. Yes, I hate just jumping in on the middle of things, so I had to take it all the way back to the beginning of the podcast.
To catch up.
Now, Oh dope, Can I just say that I love the show. How relatable you guys are and how you just how you guys just love on each other. Well, thank you so much. I've never met a married couple whose relationship resonated with mine until now. Me and my husband have been together since I was fifteen and he was seventeen. Oh that's a long time. So you know, we've had our fair share ups and downs. Now we're about to be thirty five and thirty seven, twenty eight.
They like us, I'll say eight twenty years. We have three kids. Hey, will we be yelling that? And we just celebrated thirteen years of being married.
In thirteen years and in July, so very similar. Okay.
My husband is a great provider, protector and a great father. I also try my best to be a better wife and mom each day. Like Kadeen, I grew up in a household where things were swept under the rug, so I struggled with expressing myself and I had bad communication. Over the years, I have gotten much better about expressing my feelings and communicating my needs to my husband. He has done his best at meeting most of those needs, and I appreciate him and make sure to tell him
and show him. But of course it's always a work in progress. So my question is how can I get my husband to be more romantic. He has his moments, but it's very rare that it happens. I always plan our date nights and getaways, birthdays and special events. I want to.
Be the one that gets surprised. I am a very simple girl. I don't really care about materialistic things, nor do I care about extravagant things. It's the small things that count. One of the most special things that he has done for me in the twenty and was in twenty twenty when everything was shut down and my birthday came around. He woke me up early before any of
our kids were awake. He had a hot bath of a hot bath full of rose petals ready for me to just show to just relaxing before getting my day started.
Totally surprise me.
How can I get more moments like these regularly and not just during a pandemic?
Mmmm?
Well, you as a guy being romantical, because you have a lot of romantical moments. Yes, it's cute, and I mean the romance doesn't necessarily look the way I expected to look all the time, but I do enjoy the moments that you do take the time to be thoughtful.
I wonder if she's had the conversation with him about it.
Moments don't look like what you be wanting.
No, I'm just saying sometimes in our mind as women, you think about like fairy tales and all these things that we see as like romantic moments. But I've learned that you are romantic in your own way, and I love that because it's all the thought that counts.
Oh, this is news to me because I thought I was doing exactly what you wanted.
This is news to me, and we just opened up a new can of worm.
No. I love those moments like something that was super romantic and it was kind of like at a difficult point in our life. But it stands out, it stands out as one of the more romantic things that you've done.
And the romantic ahead, go ahead.
It was when we lived in California, and remember Ian miscarried that baby that I was pregnant with in September twenty twenty and you weren't able to be there. I ended up coming to Georgia to see you for a little bit. That's actually when we found this house. And when I went back home, I got to deliver at the door and there were three large white, no, three large red bouquets of roses, and then one white to represent the.
Baby and then the baby we lost. And that was just so romantic in that moment.
I didn't never understand that's that's something I would have thought of to do like that to me in that moment wasn't a romantic thing per se, but it was romantic right because it was a moment that I wasn't expecting that that's what I meant romance.
I was like, yeah, sometimes it doesn't look exactly like how I am envisioned it, but I accepted nonetheless, I'm just grateful.
No, I'm just saying yeah, But as a guy. I know, sometimes it's harder for y'all to think about ways to be romantic. I know I struggle with that as a woman because I'm just like, oh, you see romance, Like, how do I how do I, you know, express romance to you? It's not necessarily the way I would want to receive it as a man.
And a woman.
Oh yeah, I mean it's definitely different.
Des I did romances, crop tailed booty shorts, walk around the house, make me a sandwich, you know, pack my bond like that's.
I'm glad you know that that's romance.
And I've learned that I was not going to care about rose pedals.
All over them. No no, no, no, he's.
Not drop your ass on the floor and there we go. It's romantic. You gotta learn your partner.
You know, well you just answered the question.
Sorry no, no, no, no, I'm what you just said is the word learn your partner. And if you're a woman who loves a different level of romanticism, tell your partner what you like, and it's up to him to decide whether or not he wants to engage in that. And then it's up to you to decide whether or not you are willing to receive what he is giving you, like, ultimately, he just got to open your mouth.
Of course, I like.
That that's romantic to development.
But she said that she's usually the one that plans all these things too, so he may just be a creature of habit at this point and say, oh, well, baby, you're normally the one that's planning all these special events and stuff like that, and you do it well, so you know, why not ruffle those feathers if everything is working out. But he may not even see or know that you're desiring a bit more.
Well, I'll say something too to speak to them. Because they've been together since fifteen seventeen. He's never gone through the courting process as a fully fledged adult.
That's true.
He's been with her since he was a teenager, so he's never had to date.
So how does he really know what to woo someone? Romantics look like, Yeah.
He's never had to do it, So I would say tall to him, let him know exactly, because if y'all been together this long, he seems like the type of no that seems you said everything, all of your needs and wants he provides.
Yes, he's got to protector prod o grandfather. Y'all seem to have a really healthy relationship. So yeah, tell me a little spicy, empower me to do something a little strange, change that kind of thing.
And I think, y'all, you know this girl of freak, you have no idea she been talking about have.
To be because, like I said, that's what romanticism looks like to you. So I gotta do what you think is romantic in these.
That's another thing too.
Don't let other people tell you your partners not being romantic because they don't agree with what their idea of happiness is.
Right.
For example, we have always of being romantic, and then you'll hear other people like I ain't doing all of that.
Anybody asked you to do all that?
Right, and my pursuit of happiness, I'm asking Kay to do that same thing. Men, be like, I ain't doing all that for no girl the other night, and Kay then.
Ask you to do didn't she asked me to do it? And if we're going to do.
It, Yeah, pursuit of assiness.
There you go, There you go period.
All right, good luck to y'all.
Hopefully that works out and Herbie finds ways to be more romantic.
I guarantee you he will.
I try this.
I would really love that, you know, that'd be dope. All right, Hello King and Queen, I could really use your help while staying anonymous. And this is a long one. All right, girl or guy. Let's see. I'm at a crossroads and unsure what to do. My partner and I have been together for five years, living together for three. We have the typical trails trial. Sorry she said trails, but I think they made trials. We have the typical
tru trials like every couple, but accomplishments cause conflicts. My parents and family lived two hours away, while her mother, her main and only considered family, lives in another state. Her mother moved a year ago or so, so she's now a travel nurse. Whenever there's a time to be happy or celebrate with family, she seems to support me until it's time to be around my family. She never wants to come with me or wants to speak to
me while I'm away. She tries to make me feel guilty about telling me how sad and lonely she is. I try to have her either see if her mom could come with us, we go to her, or she goes on her own. Of course, there's always an excuse or scheduling conflicts, but I try. I usually only see my family for Thanksgiving and maybe a day trip two to three times out of the year. Birthdays, promotions, holidays, especially Mothers and Father's Days always end up with arguments.
My family views and treats her as if she is family, but she always rejects it and says, I'm not the same. Since say this is not the same because it's not her blood. I don't know what to do, and I don't want to live a life of dimming my success or not sharing it with my loved ones to make her comfortable. I try my best to understand or find solutions. Maybe there is something that I'm not seeing. What are your thoughts? Seems like family is a trigger for her.
She said, it's just her mom. This is just her mom.
She's probably used to only being aroound her mom, and it could be triggering for her to be around large groups of people and it don't feel she doesn't feel comfortable.
Or does it know how to be comfortable in a situation where there's people in this family and there's love and there's like you know, yeah.
Or it could be a thing where she's manipulative and she just wants to pull them away from his family because she wants to have access to him all to herself. Like there are so many different options. The truth of the matter is he knows this woman better than.
These are two men, two women.
They don't know.
They know this person better than we do. So it's gonna it's hard for us to give advice on what
to do. What I will keep saying is, though, is if you keep trying to open her up to your family and she keeps rejecting it, there's gonna come a point where your family's gonna start rejecting her as well, and then you have to make a choice of whether or not you want to continue to live in this type of environment, because I've seen it in so many families, even in mind, where one spouse pulls another spouse away from their family, and then it becomes a thing with
they're the outsiders, yes, and then it ever fels down to generation and be like, oh, you know that aunt or that uncle that don't talk to nobody, well, their wife or their husband don't fuck with us.
It's like, why, you know, why is that the case?
You know, people have their own reasons and their own traumas that cause them to act that way. So I think he should investigate and learn more about her, or they should investigate and learn more about her so that they can understand why they're moving that way.
Right, And I don't see anything here about children, because usually two children also add a layer of wanting the children to see a particular side of family. But I don't see anything about children here, So it may just be that they are a couple who's dealing with that. Yeah, it seems like there's some kind of issue around family.
And my thing is if you're making the attempts to get her mom to come to hang with her or to be there for her, or you're encouraging that and then declines it, then I'm wondering is there an issue with her and her mom as well too? It doesn't seem like she has like a healthy family environment or relationship when it comes to family, So I would say there probably has to be some deeper conversation happening here.
I think he or she needs to focus on your partner and find out why they are behaving the way they are. Once you find out why they are behaving the way they are, you can make a decision on what and whether or not you want to continue moving forward. Right, It's clearly your family is important to you and you should never have to choose.
For sure, you know you should not have to choose. You should be able to find someone who is in synergies with how your family works. So that's what I would do.
I would investigate, find out what her thought process is, and if you can't figure something else that works with me, I move on.
Yeah, because some people just usually genuinely just don't know that there's a problem. For example, we had issues earlier on where you felt like the kids were going to my family more than they were going to your family, and really there was no malice from.
Any party involved.
It was just a matter of convenience a and it was a matter of speaking out against.
Who That's different though, because neither one of us had an issue going to each other's families.
It was.
Making choices of where the kids were going to go when you needed help, and my family feel like they didn't see the kids as much as difference. Right, That's different than nobody not wanting to be around your family or you not wanting to be around mine?
Now, I was using that example just to just say that sometimes parties involved are thinking different things, and it may be no malice intent or any harmful intention there. It's just that if you don't have the conversation about it, you don't understand the other person's idea or how they feel in that moment.
The example was just.
Off of me because I was like, did she clearly just doesn't want to be around his family?
I know, but I'm just saying, has she expressed the reason why? I'm just saying the conversation needs to be happening because there may be a valid reason around.
So she just makes excuses. He said that he's tried to include her. See, that's what I'm saying that. I think the example is different because you if I told you there was a problem, you didn't make excuses to why you couldn't do it. You were just like, oh, this was my thought process, and then we made moves to change.
That so that we could be fair.
It seems like he or she is constantly trying to make provisions in this person here, she is just always making a different change always.
She shows a pattern of deliberately avoiding it, which is different than what you gave, right.
But the thing is she's not being vocal about why she feels the way she feels. I'm just saying, if someone's not vocal about why they feel the way they feel, then you're left to your own devices of just guessing.
And it doesn't seemed like she's been vocal with him or her.
I understood what you're saying.
I just feel like the example was confusing for me at least because we were two parties trying to find a split in the middle, and it seemed like she's not trying to find a split in the middle. She's just ye, I don't want to come around your family. I only want to be around my mom. But then when you leave me, it's almost like narcissism. But then when you leave me, even though I said I don't want to go, I'm gonna call you every day until you make you feel guilty about not being there, but.
Doing it like that's just messed up you. You were never trying to.
Be messed up you, no, exactly, but conversation alleviated that.
So hopefully you were able.
To have a conversation with her and find out what is the actual problem.
Yeah, all right.
To really rate listener letters. If y'all want to be featured as a listener letter, continue to write into us.
We love to hear from you. Email us. That's the best way to get in touch.
Dead assadvice at gmail dot com.
That's d E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right, time for a moment of truth. We're talking pursuit of happiness. What that looks like for you? Who were including? Who were excluding? How do we get to the root of budding happiness?
Very is very very simple to me.
We have one inaliable right on this earth, and that's to survive by any means necessary. During that survival, you want to be happy, right, So if you really truly want to be happy, look within, stop looking without. It's the same thing I've been preaching with every aspect. Look within, don't look without. And also don't project your unhappiness on other people because as.
Humans we have a responsibility.
Not only we have one inailiable right, but we have responsibilities to ourselves and the people we frequent.
So don't make your life's goal to make other people unhappy.
Moment misery, shouldn't love company huh, no moment of truth for me. I think I'm actually going to steal your soundbites from earlier and just say that happiness is an extreme solo sport. You are responsible for your own happiness. You cannot project that on anyone else. Your lack thereof
also cannot be projected on anyone else. Nor can you attempt to get into relationships, whether it's romantic or not, expecting for someone to then make you happy, because what that does is put the onus on other people and not on you.
Okay, So good luck, y'all.
And be sure to find us on Patreon. It's the exclusive dead Ass podcast video content, and you can find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcast.
Kadine I am and I am devout And it's right because you kind of chat this screwty, but it's cute. It was cute.
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