First thing I'm gonna do is credit my boy Josh because he said this, But it's the truth. I am literally raising the kid that I wanted, and it is kicking my ass.
Dead.
As when your kids start to exemplify all of the things that you've been instilling in them for years and then you feel some kind of way about it devout. Particularly.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos.
With our boys and reading each other publicly as.
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Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
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Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We about to take philotof to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
I can't go back to so many different parts of this past year, but I'm going to tell you about this story that happened about a month ago. Kate was away in Turks and Kkos were friends. They were enjoying their time and I always hear parenting, you know, trying to parent. It was what I thought I was doing. Meanwhile, Jackson was parenting. But we went to one of Jackson's games. Jackson played on a Sunday, and his effort just was
not there like Jackson is. I'm not saying this because he's my son, but he's one of the most skilled twelve year olds I've.
Seen play basketball.
He can finish with his right hand, left hand, dribble right hand, left hand, he can make passes, he can shoot threes mid range, finished underneath the basket, and I just felt like he wasn't being competitive enough for me to like it. So they end up losing a game that they should have won by five. They were down by twenty. I come out of the stands, I pulled Jackson off the bench and I tell him, I'm like, yo,
this is terrible. I said, your effort is not indicative of the work that we've put in for the past twelve months for you to be prepared to play basketball and I'm going to get in the car, and I left after they were down twenty at that percent. No, I wasn't yelling because I didn't want to embarrass him. I had already done that, and he'd already told me about the yelling. So I literally pulled him off the bench, talked to him very firmly, but I wasn't yelling. Then
I went and sat in the car. What Jay told me was after he finished, after I finished yelling at him, he didn't go back to the bench. He went right up to the coach and said, YO, already put me back in the game. And they went from a twenty point lead to a five point, a twenty point deficit to a five point deficit, and they ran out of time. They didn't win. See any of this because I wasn't there. Obviously,
I'm still upset. I get into the car. Jackson gets in the car, and at this point he's played better in the fourth quarter. I didn't know this, but I'm going in as typical dads do, like I didn't like this effort. You could have had this many steals. It was a loose ball, and you watched it. You're not going for loose rebounds like, you're the leader of the team.
Why aren't you? Why aren't you? Why aren't you? The whole time I'm talking, he's not paying.
Attention to me. He's looking out the window, he's just doing whatever. So I hit the brakes. I'm like, yo, what's the matter with you? And he's like, nothing is the matter. I said, you know what, you don't even You don't even care enough to listen when I'm talking. You get out the car.
Child out the car.
I put him out the car. I put him out the car.
And what I was trying to do what matter of fact, I'll tell you all what I'm trying to do when we dissect the story. Put him out the car. Drive home right now. I didn't put him out that far from the house. I got home in like three minutes. I drive home, the car the driveway. I'm coming here, sitting on the front step waiting because I'm like, the minute he gets home, you know, I know he's gonna be sad. He gotta put out the car. I'm gonna talk to him, make my point, like bring it back around.
Ringing home.
You know what I'm saying, ringing home? Okay?
Twenty twenty minutes go by, and I'm getting hot now, So I'm like, what is he doing?
Did he worried? Because I'd have been worried senseless?
Think about where we live, like what was gonna happen to him? Only the only thing that would happen to him between where I dropped him where he is is one of his teammates parents picking him up and bringing him home. That's the only thing that could have possibly happened.
I pray yes.
But finally he comes strolling down the block, like literally strolling in like a light skip like.
He goes to the mailbox. He opens up the mailbox. He like, why you checking my mail?
That's my first thing, Bill baby.
So I figured when he saw me sitting on the front steps, he was gonna, you know, rush alone.
My bad dad. He see me.
He still walking all regular, So I take the mail. I'm like, Yo, what took you so long? First answer, I was walking. So I was pissed because I'm like, he's right, and I said, so, you're not even gonna try to catch up?
He says, you drive a Porsche.
At that point, Jay, who was standing right behind me, just completely turned around because he I could feel it that he was going to laugh because Jackson was right, like.
He was not going to write Jackson is my child.
It keeps going.
So I said, so you ain't even try to run after the car. He goes, you kicked me out without my sneakers.
He was right.
I said, you couldn't run in flip flops. He said, you have the fastest production car on the planet. At that point, I heard the door slam because Jay went inside.
I looked at Jackson. I said, that's your problem, because at this point I was losing. I didn't know what the says. That's your problem. You're lazy.
You didn't even want to try. And then I went inside. And then when I went inside, Jay looked at me and said, really didn't know what to do with that point.
You know what I'm saying, because you just had to win.
Huh.
I was trying to make a point. And Jackson's on the debate.
Team right when Deval meets Deval, so when Devaal meets his match, now.
I'm like the only thing, the only thing I wanted k I wanted to strike an emotional chord from him so that he understands that this is the type of energy I wanted him to be upset at some point so that I could say, this is type of energy you have to have every Saturday and Sunday when you go into the game. Don't be so nonchalant. But he never gave me that energy. So that we came inside, we had a conversation. We talked for about an hour.
We talked about it, and I told him at that hour, I said, until you find the energy that I want to see, I'm not going to no more games.
And this is what he said to me. Cool me even more mad now. Right the next day.
Because you were really doing that for him or for you, I go to the.
Game, absolutely gonna hurt me. But I was trying to get him to get.
The fires be there.
So this is this is when I realized that I had created a little version of me and it was gonna hurt me.
Next day he had a game. No next week, he had a game.
Remember that's when my dad, your dad, your brother, everybody's getting dressed up to go to the game. I'm getting dressed up to go to the game. I say, yo, but you want me to drive everybody's coming. You want to drive the Porsche that's the the game car. He goes no, I said, what you mean, No, He said, you can stay your ass home. Yeah, see my face. This song is dedicated to my baby boy, my oldest. This is a song that always reminds The song reminds me of him because this was our song.
Yes, just the two of us.
We can make it if we tried, just the two of us.
You and I.
That's the Will Smith version because when Jackson was two turning three, that's when Kate was still working, and it used to be me and him during the daytime. I was taking him on all my auditions. When I was working at the gym, he would come to the gym while I was training guys. He was my little partner, like I always had my book back and I had Jackson, And it's always been the two of us. And in that moment was the first time he told me I could stay my ass home.
Was when I realized that it ain't gonna be the two of us.
The two has become one and one.
Let's take a break so I can go cry in the car.
Baby, I got a bosom for you.
Josh over here laughing. I'm about to fight Johns. She laughing at my pain. Don't laugh at my pain Jo shirt.
I'm crying, Jackson. Let's take a break and we'll come back and dissect this, all right.
So Jackson told you to stay your ass home. So it's funny because on that day, I'll never forget. All the family was in town, you know, preparing for the holidays. This was the game right before Christmas. Felling like I'm Mondays. This might have been Saturday, and we all, like every game day, Everyone's getting ready to getting dressed. And that's when Jackson told de Val to stay home.
So I'm like, damn, Deval, that's that's unfortunate.
All right. Well, since you're gonna be home here, I'm not gonna take cold, I'm gonna leave Coda with you.
And then Jackson hits me with the mom you can stay home with dad.
Yep, I waited together, baby, How did I.
Get into y'all?
She again?
Yes, I said, Jackson. I'm the one, I said me and your auntie made me a.
Nice Jackson t show no, no no.
And mom comes to the games and I behave myself.
No no no.
The Bible says when when two get married, the two become one, all right, So if I'm being punished, you.
Got jack the freaking diplomat is like, all right, well, just so Dad doesn't feel so bad, which just shows you how like intelligent.
And emotionally where he is.
He's like, I know this is gonna hurt my father's feelings probably, so let me lessen the blow by not singling him out. Mom, you're going to have to take the rap too. So we both had to stay home, and he said the grandparents and the aunts.
And uncles can take him to the game. And that's what they did.
Now to my sound bite, right when I said, I'm raising the kid that I always wanted, and it's kicking my ass.
This is the truth. I've been telling Jackson since football season to advocate for himself, speak up for what he wants, what he needs, and what he requires, and be unapologetic to those around him who are supposed to be of support to him and including up. And I said it has to start with me.
Yes.
So when at first he told me to stay in my ass home, the first thing I thought was, why are you talking to me like this? Like this is like I'm about to lose it because he can't be disrespectful. Then I had to also think that I just told him that I wanted to see more fire and desire, energy and effort from him.
Mm hmm.
So I took it as you know what, he's trying to stand up to me the best way he knows how, you know. And he's trying to show that he's a man, and he's trying to show that he can do it. So I'm like, you know what, he's telling me to stay home. I know he's also upset because I reamed him and paused in front of Jay and I told him that this was unacceptable. So I'm was like, you know what, I'm gonna give him a pass. You know, I'm gonna give him a pass. Your man went out there,
led the team in scoring. They won by thirty points. He had three steals, four offensive rebounds. He played the best game he had played so far, So much so that the coach text me.
And said, Yo, Jackson played like a different person today. You might need to stay home the rest of the season.
Baby.
They've been on a three game win streak ever since. Now, I did sneak into a game?
All right?
Did you tell them that part? So devow.
First of all home because jacksondn't told me to stay mask nowhere, the ontlybody telling me what to do?
My ass is you facts.
Think about how things have progressed, because for our generation, it was not common for us to tell our parents anything you were seeing. You're not heard, you don't talk back, you don't question, God forbid, you throw ass in there.
I know, and here's the truth.
What made you not like go outside his hand with that?
Because I don't I don't condone using vulgar language, you know, but I do also have to say when I'm coaching sometimes that fire and stuff, I'll scream at.
The kids, let's call us call let's kick their ass. Like I'll scream those things.
And I just like from an emotion, from an emotional as a coach.
Standpoint, and they get excited. Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah yeah. So I can't be upset at him emulating or doing what I do for him in a sports standspoint, Like it makes no sense. How can I sit here and tell tell all him and his friends go out there, we gonna kick their asks. Let's fucking go. But then when he's in his sports mode, I'm like you and he's no, you can stay your ass home.
How I'm gonna be mad? Now and be like, watch your mouth. You know what I'm saying, Like I can't, and it's locker room tall.
I mean, it's good for you compartmentalized, because I was gonna say when I called you asshole, you got mad about it.
But well he didn't say he just stay home, asshole. He said you can stay your asshole. There's a difference.
You're talking about your ass and not the body pause.
Nobody talks about my ass. I talk about your ass.
What I'm saying is that it caught me off guard, but I do try to compartmentalize. When I had my mentorship program, I told those kids there's times when I'm coach Devo the coach, and then there's times where I'm your big brother, I'm your father figure.
There's different times.
It's important for parents to understand if you're gonna coach your son, there's gonna be different times they're gonna look at you like a coach or they're gonna look at you like a parent. I feel and I told myself this, Maybe I'm right, maybe I'm wrong. At that time, Jackson saw me as a coach, someone who wasn't helping his progression and stood up for himself. And then the thing
is he backed it up. He didn't go out there and lay an egg and played terrible without me there, He played better than he played all season, which showed me like, yeah, maybe my presence was a bit much.
That much it was muddying the waters, I think because also too, you think about how it affected your home life in a little in a sense too absolutely, you know, like when I say to you, Devout, I want you to clock out as my business partner or my co host and be my husband and be my boyfriend and be the man that I love versus being the person who's always on me about business stuff. Yes, Devout, I
mean Jackson in that moment said I just want my dad. Yes, so my dad can come to my games, but not dad the coach can come to my games.
So that leads me to because you're one hundred percent right, everything you just said was exactly how he felt. I sneak into the game, right, I let the first game go by it and sneak in.
Tell them how you smack into the game of that? What were you wearing and how'd you look?
I was wearing my all black actively black hoodie set right. I want my black sneakers because it was all black. He's not gonna see me, nobody paying attention to me. I put my hood up. When you first walk into the gym, all the bleaches is on the right side, so I said, let me not standing next to any of the parents. That all the kids look in the corner because they all looking for their parents. So I
went right by the bleachers, right. I stood by the bleachers with my hood at for a second and watched the game. Thirteen seconds into looking at the game, Jackson turned right around and stared right at.
My forehead, bro literally the right at me, like he felt your whole aura into the building.
That's wild.
So I did what any responsible parent does in that moment. I lied. I said, I'm not even here to see you. I got to talk to the coach in the middle of the game, and this way he did, waved me off like that and went back and scored two buckets. So then after I got caught sneaking in the game, I thought that I was out all the clay. I said, y'all want spoke to the coach.
Coach gonna give us the gym like I wouldn't even able to see you, like I, okay, you gave you the good or y'all one nights. I try to act like I ain't care, right, he was like, yeah, we won. We one told me all his stats.
Right.
The next game it was away, so I was like, he definitely not gonna see me now because he don't even know this gym getting the game, walk across the beaches, I passed all the parents.
The parents are just like.
Yo, I'm not supposed to be here. So I'm telling him, like I walk past, someone got my hood up. I walk up to the corner, right, I'm in the corner sitting there. I watched the whole game. He killing everything, d da da. No one says anything to me. He doesn't even look up at me. So I'm like, I found out what I gotta do soon is the game over. Jackson looks right in my face right the whole time, you look right in my face. So now I was getting ready to sneak out so that he didn't see
me leave, so I said I'm staying right. So after everything, getting everybody pounds, they won again, walks over to me.
I said, Yo, how you knew I was here?
He said, Bro, you the only person that wears that much actively black you have on a hood on. It is hot in here. Plus all my teammates when you walked in and said to me, yo, why your dad in camouflage? I said, in the little rascally ass kids, they just blew up my spot.
One of our friends was just like Deval think he could really hide with them parentheses, legs and them tights wet pants, walking around looking like brackets and thinking that nobody was going to see.
To this past game on Sunday. I get there. Devl is a little bit late. Well, they started the game early technically, so he wasn't late.
Because they was winning again.
Dad sees one of the dads sees being just like, hey, what's up, man, how's everything going. He's like, okay, so you're allowed to come?
Is develop like hiding in the rafters somewhere because I know he's not allowed to be here. I got a running joke that's not allowed to be at the games.
But because the second game I got caught and I was quiet the whole game. Jackson said I can come back now, but he said exactly what you said.
He said, you can come back as my pops. I already got a coach.
That she hit me though, but hit you in a good way. It made you feel like made you feel.
Badly, or maybe hit me in a good way because he was able to compartmentalize. And I'm acting as coach and acting as dad, and he's like, I want my dad. I don't need you to I coach him in football, yes, and I already we did the podcast on how rough that was. So he's like, for basketball, I don't need that. And I was just like, dang, at least he loves his dad. Like the football coach is hard to deal with.
I get that.
I'm a difficult person. I know that, like you. One thing I know is if you're going to play for me, you have to be a very mentally tough, strong person. And he played for me, and he played well, and the team played well, and they but it was a learning curve. The kids were like, man, you've very detail oriented. You expect excellence all the time. You don't pull punches like yes, but it's hard for twelve year olds to understand that. Imagine being twelve and that being your dad.
So you got to deal with that for three hours of practice, then go home in the car and hear that then get in the house and hear that.
Because that's I noticed you were doing that, and that's why I don't know if you remember what one time we were, I think walking in the house and we were in the car, and I was just like, like, is it normal that you keep talking about and stuff.
Over and over again?
In that moment, though, you did say to me, you said, well, yeah, normally athletes whenever you met, have like a bad play or something doesn't happen, and you miss a ball, or you drop a touchdown or a pass, you replay in your mind over and over again. How you could have done it differently? And I said to my I didn't interfere at that point because I said, you know more about sports than I do because I've never caught a
past the day in my life. However, I mean, I did shoot my shot and focus on you, but I did in that moment say all right, you must know better than me, because to me, it seemed like a bit of overkill that you kept harping on like football and what happened, Whereas I could see Jackson at some point was kind of clocked out, like I just want to just chill, and I didn't debate you in that time, because I felt like if you knew better than I did.
But in that moment, you're saying, no, you probably shouldn't have.
No, what I did that all wrong? Yeah? I just I just did it wrong. I do that.
You used to do that as an athlete college.
You would have an amazing game, but you would harp on like the miss touchdown or the drop path or you didn't really drop passes like that. But what you could have done differently, play things in your head again.
Small things.
And that's what I was telling Jackson. Jackson didn't drop passes out there. Jackson's Jackson's mess ups came from lack of effort or not understanding. And that's the thing that I was trying to get across to myself. Okay, so that you caught that pass, it was for seventy yards. Do you know why it wasn't a touchdown? You didn't see the cutback lane. Do you know why you didn't see the cutback lane? Because when you were looking, you were looking to run out of bounds to stay away
from contact. If you weren't so afraid of contact, you'd be able to cut back, run through that arm tackle and he was just like, huse that I caught a screening for seventy yards and you're talking about why it wasn't a touchdown.
That was the standard of excellence I held for myself.
But then I had to realize when I was twelve, I wasn't scoring touchdowns every game. That didn't happen un til I got to high school and I was older and mature enough to get the game. I'm expecting him at twelve to know what I did in the NFL. And that's when I realized at the end of the season, like, dude, like you really just killed every any bit of fun he was supposed to have in seventh grade.
In your defense, though your parenting from the space of I've done this before, I've seen it play out. I've had a mentorship program where I've trained over five hundred student athletes, like I have the recipe, yeah, and why not give it to my son? And I get that, so I can imagine how difficult it is for you.
It is for you having been a professional athlete, having been a mentor, havn't been a coach, haven't done all of those things, and now you have four children, four sons who are all going to absorb these things differently, They're going to execute them differently. But you're like, man, if you just follow the recipe, like I know what it takes, and you're not probably not the only one. Think about how many others you know pro athletes there are.
There are people who have made it to high levels of whatever their respective fields are.
It's not just with athletics.
I've watched them though, but.
They've also So what would be the difference now with having your children work for it? You know that that's what I'm always battling with. You want your children to work for it and not give them everything. But at the same time, you see the writing on the wall sometimes and they're going down a path that you're just like, this is going to be the one let's traveled, and it may not necessarily get you to where you want to go, but I know what you can do.
I just don't want to be a nag about it.
This is what I realized in Prototype when I was the mentor. They still went home with their parents. There was no child that was my students, my mentee, and my child. All of them went home to their parent at some point. Jackson is the first that's why he's considered the practice child. He is the first Ellis boy to deal with Dad the coach, Dad the mentor, Dad
the trainer, and still be Dad. And I thought I was helping that out by going to the games, watch them do everything, coming home, training with them from everything we learned from the game, and then watching football, but then explaining the stuff that just happened in the game. But now I'm realizing that that was overkilled one of his pops. He wanted somebody that he can just box with, shoot pool with, and I was taking all of that away because I kept coaching at home. I kept coaching.
And I'm realizing now, like that's so unnecessary because I made it to the highest level and my father never did that to me, So there's no guarantee that that's gonna be the way it works. I've learned that if he's a child that wants that, let him ask for that. Because I also realized too that I stunted his growth in football. Yeah, because he was so afraid to make a mistake, that he was afraid to take chances.
Football games are about chances.
I see something, let me go take a chance in But if you know your dad is going to get on you in front of everybody there, then talk to you on the way home, then talk to you for hours at home. It's like, I'm gonna just do exactly what I think is perfect rather than taking a chance.
I took that away from you.
That's another thing you told me. He didn't.
He told you that he didn't appreciate. Was you pretty much in front of everybody? Yeah, always critiquing him and other kids you were praising, But you were just trying not to play daddy ball at that point because you wanted it to be fair for everybody involved, as a coach but also being his dad.
But you saw how that too with a detriment that.
Wasn't fair to him. Yeah, he didn't deserve that.
I apologize like every time I'm going to take him to basketball practice now because now still he'd be like, take me to practice and go home, even though he'll let me go to the games. I can only drop him to practice, and I'm only allowed to drop him to practice when Papa's not here.
But he wants his own time and space.
But and that's helped you too, because you were also running yourself ragged trying to go here go there be, there be this practice for this amount of time. So it's definitely helped, I think give a little bit of the separation that I think that we've had as children.
Yeah, that we.
Thrived in because you didn't always have a parent that was there to like reinforce all the time. My struggle with Jackson or just the boys in general, is that I fear being that mom that they see.
Its like, n here goes Mom again. She's nagging, she's annoying, she's you know, clean your room?
Do this?
Did you study?
And I spoke to you recently about that because with Jackson being our him to practice kid, we're only hoping that we can develop some sort of recipe, although we know we're going to have the kind of style scept according to their child's needs. But I just want to be able to develop a recipe where my boys just always feel like, man, I don't I want to I want.
To be around my mind.
I want to be I want to be home, like I go to college, but I want to come back home.
I want to come.
Home on the weekends.
Like I don't want them to ever see Mom's phone my name pop up on their phone and they're like, here's she going again?
What you want now?
You know? So my struggle lately has been trying to find the way to approach, for example, things like life stuff like that's what I take as one of the things. Of course, you're teaching him some life things as well too, that it is and when you talk about sports particularly or things like that. I do a lot of the academic side of things, but life stuff like cleaning your room and making sure you know how to clean a bathroom and cooking, like those are things that I'm starting
to teach Jackson more now. But instead of my approach being like, look at your room, why does it look like this? Why didn't you pack that up? Why did you clean this up? Why didn't you do that? While you know, getting on him with that approach, what I did after getting some advice from you, I kind of said to him, hey, bro, like listen, we were on the couch watching Chopped one day, because that's like we like to do that together to talk about cooking, and I'm like introducing him to some things.
Techniques and stuff like that.
And I said, yo, I said, you know, there's some things that I want to just like teach you that I feel like he should know as a young man growing up, like how to properly clean a toilet.
And he laughed and he was like clean a toilet.
And I'm like, yeah, there's a proper way to do that and to maintain your living space and stuff, because I just want you to know how to do it. So I said, you know, let me know when you have some free time or one day, I might just pull you and be like, hey, you got you know, let's go do this like leisurely. So the way I'm trying to approach it was like very just like like laisz fear versus right versus being like, yo, we're sitting here watching chop. We shouldn't be doing this. Let's go
clean your toilet right now. Like just little things that I'm trying to take the approach of being more of. I want to say, the approach is different versus you know, yeah, what it.
Is that we grew up doing.
We grew up doing where everything was just like you have to you must like it was just drilled into us.
I think the approach is different with the way we're parenting.
We also when I say we, because I'm including you in this, but I'm really talking to myself. We have to be more cognizant of overcompensating because my dad couldn't go to games because he worked, and a lot of times you work two jobs. So I remember being a kid and saying that when I have a kid, I'm gonna be at every practice, every game, and you start to realize that may that may not be the best thing for your child.
Yeah.
You know, in speaking to Jackson about how he speaks to people, we had a conversation about him saying, you know, you can stay your ass home, right, this is the best part about that. I said, you know it's okay to not to just you know, it's not okay to like curse when speaking to adults and authority figures. He was like, yeah, no, but I just figured you would
think it was funny. H And I'm like, I am raising a little version of myself because I said, I said, why would you think that that I would think it was funny? He was like, you know, I just figured if I use humor, it wouldn't hurt your feelings if I told you that you couldn't come to the game. So I'm like, oh my gosh, bro, I'm like that's so me. And he was just like he was like, he's like, am I in trouble? I said, no, You're not in trouble. He was like, because I won't.
I won't. I said, Jackson, you're not a disrespectful kid. You're not.
But I was just I was just concerned because I don't want you to ever tell a teacher like man, you could get your ass away. And he was just like, I would never say that. But he was just like, you know, we we have that bandit some times we talk about sports and stuff. I just figured you would think it was funny. And I was just like, now I did think it was funny.
You know. I'm like, you know how, I am a light heart. I thought it was funny about I want to be clear.
But he he also showed me that he can empower hisself, but he's also thinking about the person while he's empowering himself. So it was like, I'm empowering myself, but my dad is going to stay home. Mom, wist stay home so y'all can stay home together. So it's not like I'm singling you out. And that's what he said. He was just like, you know, I don't want to single you out, but I just feel better. So he's like, I told Mom she couldn't come too, so y'all could be home together.
You can spend time with Kiro and Cass. He was trying to find ways to make me feel okay with it, which made me feel comfortable that he's not just out here just saying or spewing things.
He's really thinking through his decisions when the kids.
That's why I said, I's parent to me, he's you know, you know, He's like, you know, I have a seven year old a six year old brother. They need some time with you during this time is when I had a lot of my time with you, and maybe it's their turn, you know.
And I was like, you know what, Yeah, that's true.
One of the questions Tripple had here is how do you think that the way your parent Jackson affects the way he shows up as an older brother. And I'm like, man, you can already see, yes, you can. You can already see so much of It's almost like Jackson's tutelage that these these boys are under.
If you hear them when they say Jackson said, or Jackson, well, it's.
Crazy, and they all move in a Chord like the same way. I forget who we were around. I think when CBS came to film us and Oh Chanell came to the house. Yes, and even when we were away on vacation in Tiffany and Daye were with us, they were like, man, like, your boys really all just like they just they're good, like they don't do what do you think they're not like shine?
And I said it starts with Jackson. I said. They see how Jackson conducts himself.
Jackson has always been a calm, cool, collected, respectful kids, and they literally know that that is pretty much the gauge at which they should be conducting themselves too.
Do you watch them when I called like, we'll be anywhere and I'll be like, hey, all of them will look at me, and then the little ones will look at Jackson literally because because they know the next conversation is going to be with me and whoever the oldest is Jackson make sure D D D. Jackson was sick. Last week, Cairo comes to the door and Jackson told me this. I was just like, yo, you already know what the rule is. He's like, I already told my
brothers they can't be around me. I'm sick, he said, don't worry. Cairo came to the door, asked me if I need anything. He told the guys, he said, I'm in charge.
Now.
You have to stay out of his well, you know how, Kyle, I'm in charge now, Kaz, make sure that if Jackson needs anything, we don't cross this line right here, All right, dacorder, you can't go over there. Let's go down to the boy cave and give them some time and some space.
But it's like they learn because when you're sick of I'm sick, Jackson gets the rules, right, yo. Make sure your brothers know they can't, right.
Because so it's funny to watch the practice child become the parents the same way you've become the parent because you were the practice child.
I've become the parent. I was the.
Practice about the first born that we just are almost to an extent, left to figure things out, yeah, and left our own devices, and so in some moments probably overparented and and in other moments underparented, but we kind of find a nice way to meet in the middle, which I love.
Yeah, my babies, there's some good kids.
I see a question here, I see this one right now. Yeah, how do you think the way you parent Jackson affects the way he shows?
All you said, I want the next one. Do you ever fear that the way you.
Parent Jackson will backfire? I was going to say, I was going to say, no, no, it's a backfire. How Like, he's one of the two the Jack Award, Governor's Award. He has a ninety plus average, He's been the MVP of every team he's ever been on. He's just a hard worker, a very respectful young man, and he's a good person. Everything isn't always about academics or athletics, just being a great person. And when we went to the award for the Jack Award, remember what.
The principal said, these how many twenty kids that they chose were just good kids, not always good grades all the time, just good people, you know.
So I'm happy that Jackson is becoming a great person and I love them for it. Yes, And I'm excited about him standing up for himself because as a young black man living in America, one thing we've always had to fight for was our voice. We always you know, and that's just not black men but black women in general.
But I know, particularly as a young black Man. Especially when you're an athlete, you're typically bigger, stronger than people, so you have to make yourself shrink yourself to make people feel comfortable in your presence. I don't want my son to ever shrink himself.
No, hopefully you grow to be six eight eighty.
Pounds, all the recessive genius, runner three nine.
And the forty. I hope you have all of the attributes to be a great athlete.
Yes, but never shrink yourself to make other people feel comfortable in your presence.
I think the best thing about this situation with you and him was how he really took time to be emotionally aware enough to say, this is what I require. So because this is what I require, let me find a way to vocalize that, but also make sure that my dad is okay in this moment, and my mom is okay, and my siblings are okay. So he gets what he wants out of it, and he can see like, Okay, this is this is doable, this is possible.
Like I can.
Advocate for myself, get what I need and what I require, but also consider other people's feelings at the same time when necessary, like having that discernment at twelve makes me feel like, Okay, I think we're on the right track.
Absolutely.
I think we're on the right track.
Absolutely.
All right, y'all, We're gonna take a quick break and move into some listener letters after we pay some bills.
So stick around, all right, y'all, listener letter time.
Hey family. First of all, I love you guys. I've learned so much about emotional intelligence and communication from listening to your podcast and watching you both on social media. Thank you for being so transparent and open about your lives.
Thank you.
So we're talking about emotional intelligence, communication, all that good stuff today. So I'm writing because I find myself in a confusing situation. I'm going to try not to make this too long. I found the guy I've been seeing for almost a year lie to me in a major way. I've found out from a mutual friend that he still lives with his child's mother.
They're broken up. I confirmed this from several sources.
I know you're wondering how I couldn't have known that after almost a year dealing with him, But it just wasn't obvious. I never saw her belongings when I go over there and we spent more time at my house than his. As you can imagine, this has been really hurtful to me on a basic friendship level. That's something he should have told me and I would have understood the reasoning. We've been talking extensively about the whole situation,
and he's given me lots of reassurance and clarity. However, I made the mistake of sharing this information with my sister, just because she was with me when I found out. She's not supportive of me even considering forgiveness. I'm torn on what I should do who We're great friends, and I've also have strong feelings for him outside of this. We don't have any problems between us, and I do see a future with him if I can move toward forgiveness.
Is it foolish of me to try to forgive him and move forward?
Since? Do you?
That's all I feel?
If you genuinely feel like after speaking with him about everything, whatever explanation he gave you, and the reasoning behind why he didn't say he was still living with the child's mother and whatnot, you're spending lots of time together at your house. Yeah, girl, Like that's exactly the main reason why they say you don't involve other people in the relationship because once you get over something, yes, they sometimes take a while to get over it too, if they
even do so. I don't think you should throw away what could potentially be the start of a better foundation, now that we've gotten all of that out the way. But I can see how your sister might feel like, well, damn if he started based on a lie, like you know, where might this go?
What do you think, babe? Why do you think you might have kept it from her?
Because that's a hard truth to tell somebody. Maybe he can't afford to live on his own, but he ran into a woman.
That he likes.
How do you tell that woman that I'm still living with my child's mother. You don't want to mess it up because what if she's everyone to be like, I'm out, So you don't want to mess that up.
Yeah, you know what I'm saying.
Or he could still be sleeping with his child's I don't think he is, because I think if he was still sleeping with her, all her stuff would have been over the place, and this child's mother would have crashed that party a long.
Time, that's true, and you probably would have never even stepp foot over there to begin with. Absolutely, like not even once to know that there was not stuff out.
Absolutely.
I will say this though, anytime your reasoning for breaking up with someone is my sister doesn't support that's a terrible reason. Let it be your own reason. Let you feel in your heart that you don't feel a way. Let it be you found something. But whatever he shows you who he is, believe it. But when he shows you. But if your reasoning is my sister feels a way, nah, that's not getting enough.
Sorry, sis, Sorry, that simple easy.
That was an easy one because you gotta do what Number two number two hakadina devour what's up? First of all, I just would like to say that I have been listening to the podcast for the past three years and y'all have been in y'all have given insights on how I can improve myself in my marriage. Thank you so much. I appreciate y'all for that, and we appreciate you. I want your advice in the situation.
I have noticed that my wife I almost always asked me to pay back or buy back her items that I accidentally break on damage. For example, there was a time when I dropped her vase and she got she got so furious and asked me for the next few weeks to buy it again. I thought it was a once off, a one off thing, but it happened again with a hand blender that I accidentally put in the dishwasher.
Why do you get breaking about don't laugh, I'm laughing. Yes, And it's been a recurrence. It's been a recurring occurrence for such.
Things by theos.
So my question asked, do you think it's okay normal for a spouse to always ask for the other spouse to buy payback things that they get damaged by the other spouse. I understand the frustration, but is it really But is it really something that married couples do? Because for me, I'm gonna I'm gonna ask I answer this question all right. First off, it's just like just like the question before, we can't answer you on what you're
supposed to do in your marriage. If she feel a way that you keep breaking her stuff and she wants you to buy it if you can afford to buy it back. If you don't want to buy it back, don't buy that ship back until it get over it.
Now, what happens after is on y'all too. But what I'm saying, is asking us what's normal. I don't know. I don't be breaking case shit like that.
But also too, like, don't you feel the way that you be breaking all her stuff all the time?
Just buy it back? Like if I was constantly.
Breaking things that the valu used or liked, I would just be like, damn, baby, sorry.
You wouldn't even have to ask me for it. I'd be like, Damn, I just broke this vase.
Let me go get let me go get another one, or damn the hen blender broke, let me go, Like I would just want to do that because it's on me to break it.
Take care of her stuff, bro if not buy the.
Ship back, I gotta, I gotta.
I gotta read the rest of this because it's actually kind of funny.
He says.
I understand the frustration, but is it really something that married people do? Because for me, I don't think I would ask my wife to replace let's say, my headphones because she accidentally broke it.
Bitch, Yes you would. You would accidentally tell her like, yo, you broke my my ear pods, my headphones, and you're not gonna replace, making me my heir.
Try to go to the gym and leg day. I imagine trying doing like they without no headphones. I have turned back home.
Because anytime Kate has broke something to mine, she replaces it. If I break something for I just replace it because she uses it and replace it. My understanding is that in a marriage you work as a team, and this habit does not really affect that view.
Yo, that's hilarious. Do you think I'm wrong for overreacting? But something so small?
See, the thing is that you put something so small in there. It's small to you, but it's not small to her, And in general, in a relationship, you cannot this is funny move in a way that you think is necessary because you deem it small.
Sir, okay, because it may be huge to her.
What if it's reversed and it's something that you think is so hit, so huge and so big and she deems it as small.
He's saying he wouldn't care. My point is you would care if you break something. Why wouldn't you just want to replace it? I don't care if it's your wife, your brother, your mother, your friend.
He broke it accidentally, man, just replace it? Like, are we really going to argue about this?
Twenty twenty four, said Amazon gets shipped there real quick.
She probably wouldn't even exactly if you just pride that ship and picked the same day from ten to two or three to eight or whatever the hell they have you in that timeframe, by the ship back, bro Like you dropped her vase, man and put some flowers into get.
Put some flowers in the vase, man, Like come on day? You say you put the hand blender.
Yeah, everybody knows washer and if it's a hand blender, she probably use it.
Every day, right I do? I use Yeah.
Old, that's a good point. I should be mad at your mom's Your mom broke my blender.
She broke and she didn't replace it. You replaced it.
I did. I told her, I said, this is it. I'm not buying another one. The next one she breaks and this one has last a couple of months. Now it's different. Well, people gotta buy it child.
All right, y'all If you want to be featured as our listener letter, we'd love to hear from y'all, because sometimes they give us a good laugh. Sometimes you feel like, you know, sometimes we have to put dead ass podcast court into into that email us a dead advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A d v I CE at gmail dot com.
All right, y'all, moment of truth time.
We're talking about as Jackson grows into a young man, how he's helping us to grow as parents.
What's your moment of truth today?
Baby?
It's my moment of truth.
I have way more empathy and compassion towards my parents because I was a practice child and I used to wonder like, how y'all could do this to me?
And I think that this was fucked up.
How y'all could do this.
Too, How y'all could do this to me? And I think this fucked up?
But now I look at the stuff that I do to Jackson sometimes and I realize, like, damn, that's.
What's fucked up.
But it only I only realized that after I did it. So I'm able to be a better parent to the other children because of what Jackson's been through. So I've been apologizing to him a lot lately. My moment of truth is this, Jackson is becoming exactly who I want him to be based on the way I'm raising him, and it's fucking with me because now now I gotta deal with that person that I'm creating.
But that's the person that I want. I want to create a change maker.
I want someone who advocates for themselves, who doesn't back down.
From anyone period. It stands on business and that's preat.
And so stand on business for the rest of your life. For my boys, teaching our children to speak up not only empowers them, but it really helps us to grow as parents. And I think that we always need to continue to find ways as parents to reinvent ourselves and be the best version of ourselves. That our children need know when to double down, no, when to back off a little bit. And I love the communication that we
have with our kids that's so wrapped in love. Because as much as we can get on them about little things and we parent and we you know, quote unquote nag get certain things equally, they'll come and just throw their arms around us at any given point and just say I love you mom, I love you dad.
You know, like those are the moments that I live for.
And I think that being able to have that duality where they feel like they are pushed and they are you know, they're disciplined, and you know we're making conscious efforts to make sure we're raising them a certain kind of way. They're also loved immensely, and they love each other immensely because the bond that the four boys have is probably one of the greatest gifts I feel that
we're getting from parenting. It's seeing Jackson be a big brother to Cairo, who's a big brother to Katz who's a big brother ta Kota, and even the little brothers. The way they impact them is beautiful to watch too. So yeah, I love that for us, and I love that for them.
I love my kids. I love them so much. Jack's Kirol Kazman.
I love y'all, Dakota, I love you, bro like y'all for make life worth living.
I love y'all so much.
Really do they really really do? Man?
I'd have had four more if I didn't have to have them. Okay, I wouldn't have, but I'm just saying. I'm just saying, no, we wouldn't have more. I'm just saying, like they think about how amazing they are. I would love to have a ton of them, but four is enough. That's the capacity that we have to be able to deal with each individually in the best way.
We know all right, y'all.
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