Sometimes in your relationship you have to decide do you want to be right or do you want to unite dead ass?
And in the battle of what could potentially be whose life sucks more in that moment, Just know that sometimes you gotta leave well enough alone, right, exactly the same leave Yeah, Sometimes you gotta leave leave well enough alone, right, deadass. Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm devoured and where the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Our voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
And one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Do the lens of a millennial married couple.
Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Billot off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
Story time, So I'm gonna take y'all back to shoot shoot a couple weeks ago. Well, I'll start by going back a couple months ago. Our oldest son, Jackson, is thirteen. Now, he's at that that that crux in the road, you know, that that fork where it's like either the kid is going to go down the path or destruction or is going to go down the path of prosperity.
And all depends on over my dead body, struck destruck, your book, destruct.
Your book, And it all depends on how you prepared the foundation you lay them going into you lay for them going on to middle school. Yeah, paused that. I don't want to lay your foundation for your son, but I mean you do see why you got to grow up. I'm trying to be your parent. Grow up, grow up really bad. Okay, It all depends on the foundation you lay for your child going into middle school, because middle
school is where they pick up some habits. They're going to spend a lot more time with their friends and with other people and in school and in practice. So you have to really, you know, hone in on who they are as a person. So Jay moved here not only as a basketball coach, but I needed Jay to be here as.
An extension of me. When I'm not here.
You know, we grew up together in KENARISI he had a very i would say, adventurous life that allowed him to learn how to do things on the move and to learn his his like navigate different situations using his vision in his eyesight. I like to callote the third eye because when you grow up in Brooklyn, you need a third eye to exist. And he was homeless for a matter of time, him and his mom as they
were trying to figure things out. But he's really like street smart, So I felt like having him around Jackson to mentor Jackson while I'm away filming and doing all these things would just be a good thing because Jackson'll have a big brother. So I bring Jay hair. Were like, Yo, we're going to low Jackson up with so many things to do during the day that he doesn't have time to get distracted by bullshit. You know what I'm saying. Jackson said he wants to be a professional athlete. He
also said he wants to get into politics. He's at that age where you know, he might want to be a lawyer like he just so We're like, yo, we're going to do everything, and then doing everything it meant that for track, football, basketball, debate, tech. We had to find the time. So Jay was like, yo, we're up at five. Get him his first work out of six in the morning. And I remember Kay looking at me like, dude, six in the morning. He's twelve at the time, like
are you kidding me? And I'm just like, hey, he wants to do these things. We have to teach him a work ethics. So first couple of months he was getting used to this six ams and he was a little groggy, but he was starting to get to it. But then he hurt his foot and after his foothurts like, I hope you nurture you know, I study exercise physiology and kinesiologies. I said, oh, it's a little pain here, foot growing pain. Took him to the orthopedic. Orthopedic said
it's nothing, he can work through it. Got over the foot injury, then his hip started hurting. Then after his hip started hurting, I'm looking at him and he's limping a little bit. I'm like, he is growing. He's getting told maybe it's growing pains. So I put him through a workout and I start stretching him pause and I noticed he was flinching, and I'm like, that's not a growing pain, knowing what I know about it, that's not
a growing pain, especially on that hip. Beside the hip, his it band was tight, and I was like, I think we might be overworking him because he don't have enough time to sleep and rest. And I said in this moment, because oh, and let me take y'all back, take y'all back to two weeks prior. Kadeen has a way of not saying things like most moms do, but saying things with their eyebrows. So Jay is over here and me and me and Jay are discussing, like what's
going to be the plan? And every time we say something about, oh, you know what, because I kept trying to make adjustments, and I kept saying, listen, you know, if he does six ams maybe three times a week rather than every day, he'll get those two days off and Wednesday he gets to go to school a little later. And this is all Kay kept doing with her eyebrows. And I see her eyebrows with was touching her hairline.
For those of you listening, image, Yeah.
So I'm looking at Can. I'm like, she's gonna have something to say.
But I said to Casser, listen, I know this seemed like a lot, but you've never been a professional athlete. I said, I've been a professional athlete. I've trained professional athletes, and Cae just said okay and then leave. Last week, last week, Jackson hit was bothering him and I looked at he was limping, and my soldier of her son every time I asked him, how you feeling? Oh cool, because he's been taught and nurture to fight through pain and be tough and not show weakness as an athlete.
So I had to take a look at him and say, you know what, now is the time where I'm gonna have to concede and I'm gonna have to admit to my wife.
Then I might have went overboard, And to be honest.
It was worth conceding because I didn't want my son to be destructed by his father and his uncle because we, you know, we were we were really trying to like, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not making excuses Jackson in middle school. I've seen so many kids go from like the perfect person and then they get into middle school and by the time they leave in middle school, you're like, I don't know who the fuck that is.
You an I D We're just laughing into karaoke time, y'all, because.
This karaoke was inspired by what we watched last night, because it was perfect. Every night, really really super late, Kneena and I like to turn on BT and watch one of my favorite TV shows. And if you know what show this is, then you know this song I'm about to sing you and I T wy you and I T y. That's a Unity man. Come on, y'all know that's from.
Name that show Baby Hello, which is crazy too because I was just listening to Unity the other day because we ran and ran ran to Queen. When we were back home in New York. I was filming a day with k Stuff and we just happened to be in a park they were filming. They were doing Equalizer three and yeah, it was right equalizing the TV show the show Yes, and yeah, that was nice to bump into her. So AnyWho, let's take a quick break and we're gonna come back. There's lots of unpack here. I'll let you
tell your story. We're going to unpack the story and we're going to talk more about the power of conceding in a relationship. We'll be back y'all, all right, we're back. As it relates to storytime, Yeah, I was definitely just kind of sitting back with my mom eyes watching what was happening with Jackson. And the reason why I said something to you initially about the early mornings was because, well, first I thought it was a lot. I'm like, he's
twelve going on thirteen. I'm like, value didn't play sports, like really, you know, at a high high level to high school college.
I didn't play I did combat sports. Remember, I did tekwon, doing jiu jitsu from the time I was nine to fourteen, okay, and that was three four times a week. That was travel tournaments, that was dealing with pain, that was gotcha. I had done all of that.
For in terms of like stuff like that. Yeah, So I just thought that, like, man, this is a lot getting up early. And now saw how loaded Jackson's schedule was. And it wasn't just the six ams. It was then getting through a school day, and then there was practice after for one team, and then practice after for another team, and then working out with you in addition to and then track practice, like there were just so many things happening.
So I'm looking as mom because I'm assessing the health and wellness of my child, and I can see that he was tired. I also went to an early parent teacher conference and one of his teachers said, yeah, it was weird. One morning Jackson was like falling asleep in class. And I wasn't sure if it was that he wasn't feeling well, if he was tired, or it was if the work was boring or what it was.
Huh, it was one morning and it was the beginning of school.
Yeah, it was one morning.
Tired in the beginning of school. School started in August, so this happened the beginning in August.
So I said to Devala, so, you know, the teacher mentioned that he fell asleep in math, and I'm like, you know, he's very advanced in maths. I'm like, is it that the work is, is you know, kind of boring for him? Or is it that the six am was catching up to him? And Devo was like, don't automatically put it on the six am. He was offended that I mentioned the sixth thing am.
It was because I was because moms like to do things like if a child does something wrong, the first thing they want to do is you're not doing sports, and for me, I think that's unfair to the child because if he was playing an instrument, which you what you wanted him to do.
Moms never take away instruments is punishment.
They only take away sports, which to me, I think is unfair to a young man who loves to play sports. And my mom used to do this to me all the time. I would do everything perfect, I make one mistake and the first thing she would do is take away basketball, and it ultimately took me out of AAU basketball in seventh grade from a stake that wasn't even mine. So I was very defensive, and a lot of it had to do with the fact that the way I grew up and I didn't want Jackson to go through
the same thing. So it really had less to do with you and more to do with everything I had was going through.
And grows in this moment. For de Valeni is that could have been an argument, right because I could have been going back and forth. I never asked Jackson to play an instrument. I've asked if they were interested in it, because I want them to be well rounded and try different things and see what you know, expose them. I played the piano and hated it, so I would never push that on them. However, I did realize in that moment like okay, Deval got defensive about it. But me,
knowing my son, I'm like, maybe there's something there. So I said, let me not guess and have this conversation with Deval guessing. Let me talk to Jackson directly. So I asked Jackson about the morning he fell asleep in math class, and I said, yeah, you fell asleep in math class one time. Her teacher said she had to wake you up like twice. What happened is to work, you know, too boring or what? He was like, Oh, no, that was the morning I had six am. I was
just a little tired, And I said, oh, okay. So I heard that from his mouth without prompting. So that's when I let Deval know that was the case. But then Deval then, you know, I had to reassess the situation because he realized too, like, Okay, maybe this is a bit much for Jackson right now to juggle because he does have a lot on his plate now.
He definitely has a lot on his plate. And when I think about growing up, When I thought about growing up, I did do karate. When I started playing basketball, I had basketball practice, I did do jiu jitsu. I was on a debate team, was in the math academy. I wasn't the concert choir. I wasn't.
Activities.
I never had time to myself either, so me giving him time to himself was nothing I ever thought about doing. I wanted him to always have something to do, so he's not in the street or in the video games.
Now granted, we don't live in a place where he could even be in the street, so I just didn't want him to be at home in the video games or going out with his friends to do something because you know, and I'm not trying to snitch on my son, but I've been at these middle school things and I see some of the eighth graders who were going to high school or young high school kids come back and they're vaping and they're out there and they doing stuff, and I just don't want my son to have any
time to be Yeah, you always have something to do.
So I would admit that that was my plan.
What I didn't realize was when I was doing prototype or when I was doing those things, my father wasn't my trainer.
So when I did come home.
I came home to relax, and it didn't hit me until I saw Jackson limpin and realize, like, wait a minute, when he comes home, he doesn't come home to relax. He comes home to hit mobility, speed training, weight room training, questions about basketball, talking about basketball.
Jay will stop by to drop him off. Y'all still talking more about basketball, and he literally had like no reprieve from it. And me, being mom, who also was never a professional athlete, I tried to respect where Deval and Ja come from because they are the experts in this field. So I'm like, y'all must know something that I don't know because Deval played an elite level. So if that's where Jackson wants to be, I never want to, you know, undermine what you say or even put that
little bit of you know, doubt in Jackson's mind. Which it's just like, all right, well, Jay and Dad are telling me one thing, but Mom seems apprehensive.
Right.
We always try to make sure that we are on a united front when we present ourselves to the kids, and then behind closed doors, I'll say to de Val, don't you think or he'll say, hey, I think you handle that incorrectly, which I think is necessary because it's like a checks and balancing system that we have within the relationship as parents. But it's just a thing where you know, moms, we just tend to know our kids, and I in that moment, was like, maybe it might
be a bit too much. And I see the effects of it on Jackson even this morning. For example, he was up last night throwing up diarrhea, had some stomach issues. He was so apprehensive this morning to even tell you how he really felt because he felt like them, am I gonna be a punk if I tell Dad that I don't feel when it can't go to school?
Or I think that's I think that's unfair for you to say that one because he called me.
He didn't call you.
Yeah, but he called me, right, you know what I'm saying, Like, he didn't call you first, So he wasn't apprehensive to tell me how he felt.
He just didn't know how he was going to be received.
As sorry if I didn't say that correctly. Yeah, Yeah, nobody he calls you first.
And they all called me when they need something. And I think, to be fair, you do know your kids, right. I don't think moms know what's best for their sons though, And I think that's the difference. Moms may know their children, but you don't know what's best for them. And for me, it's every time they come against adversity. Moms. You your mom want to save them. They don't need be saved because you can't save them when they're outside. They have to learn, and I think that's where you and I
have to learn. That's a unity and I no, but I think that's where you and I in this. Now
you're gonna make me keep saying it. In this situation particular, knowing when to concede was important for both of us because you knew when to concede and say, you know what, Deval knows this part of athleticism and professional athletes are going to concede even though I don't agree, and then me realizing that, okay, physically he doesn't look like himself, I'm gonna have to concede, and Kadeen was right rather than both of us trying to argue and putting our son.
Because I've also been on the other end of this as a trainer, where mom and dad are not on the same page and they're both arguing loudly in front of the child, while both making the child do something that's not good for the child.
And if your kid is just confused, and to also further back your point, there are moments too where now, for example, this morning, devout Jackson didn't want to be seem like he was being a punk for like not going to school or going to practice.
I'm going to practice.
But you then also gave him the latitude to say in that moment, which I thought was correct, Jackson, if you don't feel well, take the day and stay home, rest, recover. I would have been more inclined to be like, oh, well, you're not throwing up anymore, your stomach is fine, all right, go to school, then don't miss the day, you know. So that's where I could have been wrong, and that you say to me, Kadeen, like, don't you think it's
a bit much that you're pushing him to school? And he was literally thrown up two hours ago, right, And I'd have been like, well, he's fine though, he looks fine now. So that's a moment where I sometimes need to be checked. And you say, Kadeen, like you're like, just because you don't want the kids to miss the day a school because you're a stickler for academics. You can't do that at the detriment of their health, right, And I.
Mean you're right because we've had those conversations where I'm the parent that's more likely to be like, Yo, you don't feel good, you don't go to practice.
You don't go to school either.
Just take the whole day where you're more like, nah, he can miss practice, but he's going to school. To me, school has certain values, but also I think school can be overrated when it comes to certain certain kids in
certain situations. You know, for example, thinking about and this is going a little bit off topic, but also thinking about trying to raise my son the way I was raised when I didn't grow up the same way as my child did, or even trying to raise my son the way I mentored other young men who had different situations.
I'm realizing that it doesn't work that way.
Yeah, you know, I have to learn how to concede sometimes because everything I thought I knew about my life or I knew about these kids is completely different now than it was five ten years ago when I was mentoring.
That's a good thing that you brought up, and I think you should put a posted on this, and we're going to keep this tab open for the conversation we're going to have about you and Jackson and that first
little altercation that happened in the house. So I'm not sure when this episode is going to air in comparison to that, but I think this route that you're going will be great for that conversation because part of it is talking about how you grew up and what you require to do just to survive in these streets, and it's like trying to take that same approach with Jackson. But it's like being in these streets over here, you know.
But I get it as a man and as a man raising a boy, and me never having been a boy or a man. There's certain things that I will lean on you for. So we can, I guess table that until we get to that.
Because I do want to talk about that specifically, just that one situation. But this is a good transition to give them some facts and stacks about conceding right. According to Troubau, you know, Trouble always looks up the stats. Admitting when you're wrong can create a deeper emotional connection
with your partner. It shows a commitment to honesty and vulnerability and your relationship and gives your partner more security and knowing that you are committed to making things right between you rather than being right in an argument, Being honest and admitting when you are wrong can inspire your partner to do the same, making brave honesty and humility a making making brave honesty and humility a norm in your relationship, Admitting when you are wrong can strengthen your
emotional connection with your partner. And remember, vulnerability is sexy, so it may also strengthen your sexual intimacy.
That's insane, that last one there, I know it is sorry, and remember, vulnerability is sexy, so it may also strengthen
your sexual intimacy. We've spoken recently about how our sexual intimacy has gone through the roof, and though we know there are a couple other factors that probably lend to that, I do think that me finally finding ways to take accountability and admit fault and saying to myself, Babe, I didn't do that quite right, or I might have been wrong in this moment and being okay with that genuinely has definitely heightened that so intimacy because we no longer have those long bouts of like contention.
So let me ask a question.
What got you to the point where it was like, you know what, let me just start admitting when I'm wrong rather than fighting to the death.
It was a lot of one learning, it was a lot of un learning. I know that the way I was raised, and I even see it as an extension of my mom. There's this aim for perfection. There's this aim to not be wrong. It's the aim to always be in someone's good graces. It's to be the people pleaser. Is to not do things that people may look at, you know, with any kind of like fault or so when I so growing up that way accepting accountability for something wrong, what do you mean, No, I didn't do
anything wrong. I never intended to do anything wrong, so it was not my fault.
So it wasn't about being right. It's just I'm not wrong exactly. So you didn't have to prove that you were.
No exactly. And then, I mean, there were moments where I felt like I had to prove my point or prove how I arrived at a complete in a certain situation. I've said that on previous podcasts where It's like, do you not want to hear why I got to this point or how I got here? You just want me to accept accountability and understand where you're coming from and
move on. And it had a hard time doing that for a long time because I think as a child growing up, there was always this pursuit of perfection that I was striving for, and I never wanted someone to see me in a negative light, or I never wanted someone to be upset by something I did. As a child, I was a pleaser. You know, do well for your parents, be the example. You're the oldest child, you're the oldest grandchild,
you're the oldest cousin. So all of that pressure for so long, I think for me manifested itself in our relationship, Whereas I always wanted to be held in that regard. So when I did something that was not favorable to you or something you didn't agree with, I completely took that as I'm the worst person in the world. Let me find a way to deflect, Let me find a way to just argue my way out of this situation.
Funny thing is I can see all of those things now when I look back at how we used to go through arguments and debates. I'm like, she's not even trying to understand where I'm coming from.
She just had to tell you that I'm here and I didn't do something. And it wasn't until I think you were able to see even just existing in this household for the past three years with my parents and how they interact, and there's a lack of accountability there. It's the blame game a lot of the time, and I'm just like, I don't want us to end up like that.
You and your mom are very similar in that even when I try to tell Mom something that I noticed and it's like, Mom, I'm not blaming you, I'm just showing you something, her first thing is just like, well I didn't.
Oh yeah a lot.
I'm not saying you the only one. I'm just saying I noticed.
But then that's when I started to realize, like, dang, Kay does the same exact thing. Like the minute something happens, she wants to put out that.
I was to blame you and think about the story's mom has shared with us about her growing up.
And I understand why she why She's like, well, I was I.
Was walking the straight and narrow and this happened, It wasn't me.
Did we explain that story with your mom?
And this is important I think you might have we talk about we talk about understanding your spouse's parents, and you understand that mom told me a story about working the late shift at Burger King and she got off late, she got on the bus and she got home and it was past twelve o'clock.
And when she got to.
The home she was staying in here in America, Yeah, which was a friend of the family, in your family, they locked her out and she had to sleep on the floor in the hallway because they thought she was out gallivanting, which to me, that would automatically create a trigger in my mind. Sadly, I can't do anything outside of what they deem to be wrong, because if I do, I'm going to be.
Outside on the floor.
Absolutely.
And then I see how she raised her kids, always show them like, don't let anyone see you do anything outside of the toe.
Be the perfect model, child, model, citizen, model worker, like that was her lifestyle and that's how she grew up. So in that vein, I can see how it manifested myself itself in our relationship and the way I deal with you, and I had to realize, like it's okay to be misunderstood in a moment, or it's okay to be wrong in a moment. It's okay to not have made the right decision. Mom and I are the main two who do laundry in this house, right, the dryer, the little part that pulls out all of the lint,
the lint trap. Something broke on the lint trap. So Mom is like, the limp trap is broken. I can't pulled out. I don't know what happened. And I was like, Mom, you and I are literally the only two that used the dryer, like right, and I know I didn't break it, so right, And she's like, well, I don't know. It wasn't me. It's like, okay, Mom, it's fine, Like no one's blaming you. I'm just wondering what happened to the lin trap so we can potentially get it fixed. It's fixable,
it's okay. But it was like in that moment, that's just a small example of how it was, like, WELLHY didn't And I'm like, I'm not blaming you. We just want to figure out how to fix it. So I know that's where a lot of it comes from with me. So I've learned to in conceding in the relationships, saying you know, okay, you were not right, and it's okay because Deval understands. We can talk about it and you live to see another day.
You don't it don't or you don't always have to be right in order to move forward emicably. Yeah, I had to learn that too, with just conceding power or conceding control, because in my mind, I feel like I have to be in control of my family because I'm responsible for my family. If something goes wrong in this family, whether it's you, whether it's the kids, the first person
the gonna look at is me. So since I'm the one that everyone looks setting to say, well, you have to be, you know, the person that leads the family. I always felt like I have to be in control, do it my way because I know that my way works for me absolutely, And then I always used to project that on you and the kids because it was just like, I know my way works for me, and since I'm responsible to provide and protect, can y'all just do it my way so I.
Know it'll get done.
And I had to learn that my process works for me because that's my process. My process is not always going to work for you or the kids, or even my friends who who were in business together. Like, I'm learning that now that it's okay to concede your process to other people. So if there's one thing I had to learn to give up, it was give up that and not just with you, but with everybody. You know.
I got business partners I work with, I got kids, you know, I got people that I mentor, and I'm always trying to tell them to do it this way. And then I've watched people be successful not doing things my way. So I've learned to concede it and be like, hey, figure it out.
Yeah.
October third makes twenty two years since we've been together. And in those twenty two years, I feel like I've seen you try to control right, and it's not because you try to control people. People come to you and ask questions and say, deval, how should I do or WHW can I be successful at? Or how do I start this business? Or if I want to be an actor,
what do I do? And I've seen you pour yourself and your time and your wisdom into people to tell them the way to do things, and then they don't do it, and then you end up frustrated because they didn't do what you told them to do because your life so listen, it worked for me. It was guaranteed if you would have followed this blueprint, you would have done X, Y Z, and then you wouldn't have to
rely on me to help you do things. But I've noticed that you've definitely stepped back in the past few years. Your hair's grown back, you know what I'm saying. I would attribute that to you not being stressed out about everybody else's issue.
I know where near stresses I was, because you've.
Literally let people be and everyone has their process, and I love that you found a way to be able to do that and really just focus your time on energy on yourself and especially the boys. Even me. Some things you've been telling me for years that I should do in a certain kind of way, and I'm just like to VALI, I have my own process. I'll figure it out in my own time. And it took a while for you to figure out how to let that go.
Yeah, I mean I had to learn that conceding control gave me space to have peace, because when you try to control everything, and you realize that you can't control all of these billions of people walking around on the earth. That's what used to be stressing me out. You know, why don't my brother do it this way? My sister? Why don't my parents just listen? Why don't Cay just do this? Why don't her brother and sister? Why the kids don't? And all of that stress you used to
keep me up at night. When I learned to concede control and focus on the things that I can control, I became more productive for myself, which ultimately helped me become more productive for my family and my friends. And I think to me that was the most powerful thing about learning to concede control is that you really can control only what you can put your hands on. So even if someone comes to you. This is a perfect example. Kay likes to come to me and say, Hey, which
dress do you like? The black one of the red one. I know for a fact that I'm gonna pick the red one because the red one is my favorite color.
So I go by about like the red one. Then she gives me every reason in the.
World why I should pick the black one, and I say, I like the red one, and she says, Okay, goes in the room, comes out wearing a black one, and I said, why you got on the black dress cade? And she goes, oh, it goes on my shoes. And I said, well, if you knew you was gonna wear what you wanted to wear, why did you ask me? And that used to bother me. Now, okay, hey, which one do you like? The black one of the red one? Babe?
Which one do you want to wear?
Can I let you in a little thing that I've learned?
All right? Let me learn, because I mean gave.
Up, gave I know, I get it, and now I really genuinely only ask your opinion about something if I genuinely don't know, And I could go either way.
If they're appreciate that, because that annoys the fuck out of me when I tell you exactly what I want to wear and you wear the opposite.
If there's a bit of an inkling that I might be leaning one way, I'm gonna just go that way.
I appreciate you for that.
Don't waste neither one of.
Our time because there's no point in it. That's so funny, And I feel like a lot of women do that because I think I've even seen a meme that someone posted. It's just like you know, asking my wife asking me what to wear, and then I ended up wearing whatever she decided on.
Anyway, there are a lot of things that can be related to gender that a lot of people don't want to admit, but it's the truth. For example, I watch, like all of my friends that have girls, I watch them with their daughters. Right, I watch them, baby, what do you want to eat?
Don't know?
And if they're constantly asking this little girl, she's three, she don't know what she wants to eat, and then they take them on this journey.
If going to pick this and try that?
Right?
But they sons eat this?
And what is what's really teaching me is that we are all conditioned from young to be the way we are and the way you know how we say. There are no such things as gender norms. Those gender norms wear their ugly heads from the time we're really really small. Even you my young kids that have daughters, if they fall, you watch how everybody runs to them when they fall to pick them up. And what is sometimes what they say?
Who did that to you? Who make you fall? Then the baby point is somebody who was nowhere there, and then they fake run over to that person, hit them. You made that baby for they do that to.
Little girls exactly. And then when boys do you accept accountability? Little three year old?
When my sons fail? This is that? What happened when the kids? When the when the boys fall or something, what's the first thing that happens? I told you stop running. They get reprimanded immediately. So it's just two learned behaviors, and then they grow on and we expect these learned behaviors to know how to am amicably get along. When it's like the boy is like, wait a minute, my whole life I was told to take accountability, and but
your whole life you was coddled. So now we're together and you fall, and I'm trying to tell you to take accountability, but you want to be coddled. Now we have two grown people who are trying to keep control over what they think is the right way, which realistically there is no right way in life.
You have to meet with your partner where they are.
It's interesting, you say, because I think about a couple of friends who come to mind who have daughters, some only daughters, and a couple daughters and sons come on, and the way that a lot of their daughters are like.
Unruly, come on, I see it.
I've been around a couple of people and I'm just like wow, And they're people who I would have expected hearing different.
You would have never guess.
I would have been like, oh, I thought they had have had everybody on the straight and narrow, and then their daughters are just hanging from the rafters and I'm like, oh, wow, that's very, very different than what I thought. And I've even seen on the reverse side a son who was coddled and then the effects of how he and.
You see and you see what happens when the boy who's cot And what do they say when a young boy is caddle like a little girl and he grows up to act a certain way, what do they say he acting like like a mama's boy, like a bitch. But the truth is is like when a boy grows up and he's kind of like a girl, and we look down on it, you should ask yourself, why do we caddle little girls that way? Like? It's not fair to ask, and it's not a boy versus girl thing.
It's not fair to coddle any little person, never expect them to accept accountability, and then when they grow up, be like, why are you act this way? You made them this way. And if you caddle little girls, they grow up to be brats. You caught a little boys,
they grow up to be mama's boys, you know. And the truth of the matter is, and I know that's a completely different topic, but when you learn as an adult how to concede all of the things that you were taught growing up, because now you realize I'm an adult and maybe the things that were learned behaviors were not the best for me. It's a powerful thing that you can open up your mind to different things, you know, seeing the world differently, a different perspective for me and
our relationship. It seems like the minute I learned to concede for a little bit and just say, well, let me just try to understand, you know, let me not be right, let me not prove that I'm the smarter person, let me not prove that I know what I'm talking about is she don't let me just understand where she's coming from. And it's like, wow, so it's not that I'm right or wrong. It's not that you're right or wrong. It's just from where you're sitting and you see that
that's why you made that decision. Okay, I can get hit with that. Let's understant's let me understand why that is. Let's unpack that right now.
Let me come over there and sit from your possessive and see what it looks like.
And that's what conceding does.
Right. And then I think, although it's not a matter of who's right or wrong, there is a way to admit fault or admits and say you know what, So a couple of ways to admit that you're wrong. You can just sincerely apologize, and it really means like sincerely apologize, like understanding, not being like yeah, use right whatever and the walk away. It's actually understanding letting your partner know how your actions have affected that.
That's important.
You can also explain your thought process behind your actions, but never make excuses. And I think that's the thing I had to work on because I used to do the first part. I used to try to explain my process but then also use it as an excuse as to why. And I was like, just because you punched me in the face doesn't mean and you say sorry doesn't mean that I gotta be okay with it, you know that. Not that I've done that, but that was just what analogy.
Yeah, the analogy was with the even if, like, for example, Ky punched me in the eye, right, and I'm like, hey, why you punched me in the eye so well, there was a fly on your eye. Yeah, but it still hurts. I don't care for her. There was a fly on your eye, so I punched it. It's like that type of response is what we're talking about. You could have easily said and this never happened. Guys, you said, babe, I saw a fly in your eye. I wanted to get it. I reacted really fast. I punched you. I
realized it hurt. I won't do that again. I realized that it affected you, and I'm sorry. Let me keep it right. That's that's way different than there was a fly on your eye. Punched it. Get over it right, The swelling will go down. I said sorry. That's another thing when someone says stuff like I know what, but I said sorry, get over it. It's sorry.
Don't mean shit nowt me punching on your eye.
Know exactly exactly. Let me reciprocate and listen to your partner to be open and receiving criticism that it may come with. Is there anything that you've learned I guess over the course of our relationship. I know control is one thing that you say you learned to concede. Is there anything else that you feel like? You know what? Kadeen is better equipped, so let me just allow her
to do that. And because I feel like there's a lot of things that you just at now, your response to me is whatever you want to do, babe, Yes, whatever you want to do. And sometimes when you say that to me, I kind of wonder. I'm like, is he just trying to like patronize me, or is he trying to be funny or what? And you genuinely be like, no, I like whatever you want to do, because I don't have the capacity or I do I care enough about this in this moment to make a decision.
I'm going to give all couples, business partners, friends a pro tip right pause. If it's not important enough to you, it down and waste brain function making a decision, allow someone else to make the decision.
Seriously, excuse me.
Use discernment with who you allowed to make decisions for you right, So when it comes to Kadeen, I will allow Kadeen to make decisions for me. But it's only because I trust and value that the decision she's making,
she's putting the necessary amount of effort into it. So many people just want to make the final decision on every single thing, even things that have nothing to do with them, and it's a waste of time and energy, especially if you're not equipped emotionally, physically, mentally to handle whatever that decision is. Let it, just let it go, just let it, let it be, leave well enough alone. And I used to do that all the time.
Remember we used to.
Make decisions, and for example, traveling, I always used to want to decide what time we leave, when we get in there, what airline? And then after a while it was just like why do I I don't I don't care. All I want to know is that we're getting there safely.
I'll take it back to even our wedding. Daval was like, I want to know what colors we're doing. I want these colors. I want the wedding to be all red I want. And I was like, Bro, do you really care about this or do you just want to make the decision and have the control. And this is so I wasn't sure what was.
I cared because I cared for my voice and my family to be represented at the wedding. So I cared because it was said to me as a man, men or men often get pushed aside when it comes to weddings. So to be honest, I was pledging allegiance to my gender and saying in that moment, I'm not going to be dismissed just because I'm a man. Did I really care that much?
Absolutely fucking not.
I did not care. I didn't even want to have that big bro. I didn't want to have that big ass wedding first of all. But the truth is, if I'm gonna have a big ass wedding, everything ain't gonna just be yellow because I got to be in that motherfucker my favorite colors red, so I stood ten tools down on red. But to be honest, I did not care that much. And if I was doing it all over again, I would say, Babe, do whatever you want to do. This is the budget though, so we're not
going over this. This is the budget. Let me know what time to be there, and I'm be in a good move wearing whatever it is, because now that I think about it, it didn't really matter to me. It was everybody telling me that it shouldn't matter. Yeah, And that's part of the problem too with conceding, right, Sometimes you don't concede because everyone else is telling you you're supposed to fight for that, and then you get done with it, and you like, I fought for that, and I don't.
I still don't care.
You actually fell right into what I was going to say because I asked you the question, so I had what my thing was that I was conceding to in a relationship, and you kind of fell right into it. First off, before I go on to that, and wanted to be clear that Deval said that we could do it again, and he's just telling what time to get.
I'm not. I'm not conceding.
Get a budget, give me the budget. It again.
We can do it again with ten dollars. You find a way to do it ten dollars and then we can do it.
Go ahead, good thing, I have a savings I'll taking ten dollars.
You see what I'm saying, guys, this is why this is why.
You can't That's what it is.
But you fell into that by saying, now, my biggest thing that I've conceded too in the relationship is conceding to everything I thought based on what everybody else said a marriage should be, completely throwing all of that out the window.
You just threw it out.
I just threw it all out because I'm like, why am I listening to people who are in completely broken or fractured relationships, who are severely unhappy, who didn't even have a conversation with me before I got married to prep me on what the heck tics point? I'm like, why am I even leaning on those everlasting arms because they broke proth arms? Lasting?
About that just gave me?
Oh did I?
Yes?
I wonderful. I'm glad I did that for you. But like, literally, guys, I've learned that conceding to everything I had even in my mind about what I should be as a wife, even as a mom. It's like on the job training. Once you get there and you actually speak to your coworker, you know, my partner here, deval, and see exactly what it is that he needs and requires. That's when things
completely skyrocketed and got better for us. And over time, I will say, because one thing my parents made was a hard head, and I'll admit that.
Yeah, yeah, you you definitely hard headed.
And the truth of the matter is, though, I mean, that's partly what turned me on.
I don't, first of all, pause that can't.
Be turned on my hardhead. That's mad suck, Oh my god. But what I'm saying is is the fact that you were like unwavering in your ideas really like intrigued me as an eighteen year old because I never wanted to be able a pushover. I always wanted to be with someone who challenge and popular thought challenged me because I knew that that created growth. Right. It's the whole iron
sharpens iron thing. It's like, if every night I'm going home to someone who's gonna sharpen me or make me think about something, I just knew it would make me a better person. So I also want to say to people, like learning how to concede when you've married someone who you know is not going to concede easily, it's very
difficult to do. But if you learn how to work within this relationship of conceding things that don't matter to you and putting your energy towards the things that do your relationship can really skyrocket because imagine two people, rather than spending energy arguing to be right, just really focusing on what I can do in my relationship to better me and my partner. Imagine two people working in synergy to do that.
Folks, conscious effort.
Like that's an unlosable force like I have. I feel like I have no blonde spots. You know, because even when we travel, the things you focus on, I'm never worried about that. I'm well focused on. I got all four kids, We have all the bags. You be checking and seeing like, Okay, where are we going? Who is this person? I'm not worried about who the taxi is. My wife for got that. I got all four and I got all thirty seven bags, and I'm good.
You know what I'm saying, Little people in bags the val Quis shack up and thank God for Jackson. Now he's old enough to where he literally is corralling everybody with us.
What's my favorite thing? When we in the airport. Once I get everything, what I tell the boys, Hey, let's go inside.
Order They look like the Wi Fi signals.
From letter Koda, be cash the Chiro. Because I need the oldest ones to have eyes on the but I was able to create that thing for us as a family because you created the whole itinerary.
I know.
And that's a perfect example. People say to us all the time traveling, how with four kids no security, like, are y'all able to just walk around? And I said, because I have my tasks? She asked, task, and we don't argue like I watch people in the airport with arguing over simple things and I'm.
Having meltdowns in the process too, and be like man.
Man, I'm like man. And sometimes I look at my wife and I'll be like, thank God, I don't have one of those. And when I say one of those is one of those people who just for example, I'm not going to out them because I don't know if they listen to podcasts, but people that we just met, they have three kids, two really really young ones and one that's like Kiro's age, and I watched them all. They gonna say where I watch them because we all be together watch them. And the mom asked the dad
to help with something. And rather than the dad in this moment, because I was watching him, he was literally doing nothing, just saying, yo, let me just do this to help that why is it that every time I get a moment and I'm like, y'all really about to have a whole argument, and this child is in need, this child needs to be serviced, and them two were arguing about who was going to service the child because it was supposed to be the mom's task, but the mom was taking care.
They have two that are almost under two.
They were having another child that was having like a true breakdown in the middle of where we were, and rather than them handling the.
Two children, they were doing for it.
And they were standing ten toes down, and to be honest listening to it, both of them had valid points. The father was like, Yo, this was supposed to be my task. I'm literally doing what you told me I was supposed to do. And in that moment, the mom was like, yeah, but do you not see that I need help? And am I supposed to just say let me juggle all of this? And I was like, you know what. She kind of got a point, but he
kind of. But now, no, I did not jump into help because I don't like stepping on toes when it's married people. There's another thing I learned too. You let married people go through married people's stuff. Don't ever interject and try to be like, well, I's no, you.
Don't know what I mean last year.
That argument probably started ten years ago when they was in college, saying she probably related a task to him, and from then he used to know this is going to come back and this was.
His moment and this was his time to shine.
But I remember us going through that.
Yeah, all had moments at games times.
I'm trying to watch Jackson and I was like, you said you was going to do this, and now we end up missing it because we're arguing over these too.
Because I was like, why don't you leave the two little ones with your mom? And I'm like, no, it's a family day. Oh my gosh, oh my, I'm glad you look at accountability walking through the door. Hello, Kadeen Ellis. It was probably like your Lee's favorite thing ever in life was to take all the kids, especially when Kiro and Katz were the two under two, taking everybody anywhere, and I was like, but it's a family day. We can't leave half of the family behind.
Before were going break because we're gonna have to get a break. That used to be one of my biggest pet peeves. And one used the biggest thing I used to stay in ten toes down on. I used to be like, yo, we not I'm not taking all of these kids to a restaurant. I'm not taking all these kids to a game because I'm gonna be the one having to take them to the bathroom, taking the concession stands. And Kate will be like, no, baby, you don't have to because I don't have it. And then you know
what happens. We'll get to a game. One will fall asleep in her arms and she'll be tapping me and I'm like what she'd be like, so and so I got to go to the bathroom, and I just look at her like I'm like, it's the fourth quarter, our oldest son right now about to drop twelve points to win the game, and you want me to take this one to the bathroom. And She'll be like fine, I'll take them, And then now she's trying to juggle it. I'm like, forget it. I'll go take the one. We run.
I come back Jackson and here the game winner. I'm like, hey, did you catch you? Said? I missed it on my phone because I was holding and I'm just pissed now Kate, don't be standing in ten toes down. I'll be like, listen, I'm going to j the game. I'm not taking these kids. Kate be like, I'm not having this argument with you. Well, I go with the game. K will show up later with one mate and she'll be like, cash only one snacks. You're not fucking this up for me. The code are
gonna have to get this pot change. You stay with me and me and then we'll just take the older ones. But that is a perfect example how we've learned to concede yes and just you know, flow like water, baby, you know, flow like water, like water, like water.
All Right, y'all, let's take a quick break and go pay some bills and we're going to come back and get into listening Letters. Let's pay and bills and we'll be back. Take care of y'all. All right, we're back, and let's dive right into listener letter. That was a really great episode so far. Ye talk about some good stuff. Now let me see what y'all got going on today. Okay, Hey, getting into val I want to start off by saying, I love you guys so much, and you're a huge
inspiration to me. I love how you guys love each other and how transparent you are with y'all's process and sharing what works for you. So kudos to you guys. Thank you. All right. I'm twenty five and I've been married to my husband for six years. Y'all nineteen okay, and he's twenty eight, so I get married at eighteen, all right. Up until twenty twenty three. Up until twenty twenty three, we were long distance because we both were
in the military. We're both out now because we agree that we needed to work on marriage because there's a huge strain. And this year we've been together full time and it's been hard. Lol. We've been actively communicating, telling each other our feelings and having to face them head on instead of I'll talk to you later like we would do long distance on the phone.
It's perfect.
He started to give our relationship a time frame that we're not happy. If we're not happy by August twenty twenty five, when I finished nursing school, then we should call it because it would it meant that we would have been working our relationship for two and two plus years.
That's hilarious. It's been two years of this shit.
I'm remember I told y out twenty two years and.
Years and we're still working.
The work never ends, baby. I personally don't think timelines are necessary because I feel like that makes him look forward to a potential end date. And if you really want the marriage, why put a date in time to the end. Are these feelings normal? Is it normal for married couples to feel like it won't work at some point? Yes,
aside from the comment, he has been actively trying. But since y'all have been met in the marriage game longer, I figured I could give him a different perspective because homeboy has severe tunnel vision on his thinking.
Man.
By the way, we have a two year old and a one year old. Oh come on, chiall two one, two, and y'all know we're big on the I know y'all are big on the postpartum stuff.
Yeah, yo, yo, This this one easy, bro, Yeah yeah, this is.
Real easy now swimming in that postpartum life.
So women in it two and one right, they don't have and they're not out numbers yet, but they have both have a responsibility, yes, And they're both living together full time for the first.
Hard time, and they've been together since they were nice.
They were nineteen So think about this. Y'all been together since you were nineteen and twenty two, right you were kids. Your six years you're starting to develop and become who you want to be, right, So in those twenties is where you learn the things you don't really know it in nineteen yes, so you committed to someone you didn't know.
Right now you're getting to know someone while having the stresses of two under two, while having the stresses of both retiring from the military, while both living in the same house at the same time for most of your time. That's difficult. We've seen this with a lot of our friends who retire from the NFL, NBA, or play pro sports. Right, the husband typically is out all the time, seasons, He's gone for months at a time. Woman creates a whole program for the system for her and the kids. She
at home doing her thing in bow. He retires, this is gonna be great. Dad is going to be home to help Da da da Dad come home. Whole system fucked up. And the reason why I'm telling you that is because you probably think, now our marriage is terrible. It's just our marriage. We're the ones having to have conversations. No, no, no, that's every marriage. I have yet to see one successful marriage that said, yeah, we got married fifteen years ago.
We never argued, we had our kids, everything was perfectly fine. We never had no financial issues. I love my wife, We have sex every day, she loves me. We hold hands, and we look at rainbows. That's just not the reality. It's not and I'm not saying that in a daunting way. I'm saying that in twenty two years of being with this woman as my best friend, right, there have been times where we really did not like each other, but we loved each other so much that we fell in love.
With the process of trying to be better, yes, and to give yourself while in postpartum until August twenty twenty five, I know you're gonna fail because if y'all stay together ten years from now, it's gonna be something else you're gonna have to work on. So I wouldn't put a termination date. I would say August twenty fifth. Let's try to find a solution by then, and if we haven't found a solution, let's pivot and try something different.
You know what I'm saying.
That's what I would say.
I see, that's a good point that you made. It's like not the termination, but like, Okay, we've tried this particular method, maybe the next method. By August twenty twenty five is in walks of therapists and you guys are going to couples therapy, you know, or the kids are that much older, so we're kind of a little bit
more out of the postpartum woods. Or when I finished nursing school, so you went from the military, the nursing school, you're in nurse doing everything, just starting to live together. You have two kids under two, Like, there are a lot of variables that are stacked. And I don't want to say against you, because this is your life, but there are very a lot of variables that are against against their aggression and your happiness.
Because remember when it was just them, they probably were their happiest, right, And then they have two kids, and then you have retirement, then you have nursing school, then you have postpartus absolutely, and you have hormones. Like the truth is this cycle you're in won't be family, It.
Won't be forever. That was us with Jackson at five, and then we had caroenkas back to back and there were so many moments when we lived in that Brooklyn apartment where both of us were just like, so, how can we copare if we didn't make this work? Do you do you.
Remember when I think it was the last podcast, I just said there was a moment right after two after that that was our lowest moment in our relationship. What intimacy was the lowest? I think it was twenty and eighteen nineteen A wanted.
Jackson like that first five years of the marriage that we had issues and that was just also new married people. And then yes, after Cairo, after the.
Tour, under two really did a number on us because we feel like we couldn't get out left footing.
Yeah, very much like a hamster wheel of like yeah, but like not moving forward.
So at the time I didn't know how much sleep deprivation not only did a number on K but did a number on me as well. So emotionally, you just don't have the patience you typically have.
Is like short, yeah, short, and your using short for everybody like your kids, your spouse, your family. Yeah, there's a lot going on here. So I think you guys, like I really wish you the best and I hope you guys can stay the course and stick it out. I think ultimately, what it boils down to the val and I lasted twenty two years is like you said, my best friend, like I cannot envision and don't want to ever envision life without him, whatever that looks like.
Even if we are in a tough spot rut, That's what has pulled us through these through twenty two years, is the fact that we literally cannot see life without each other. And I want you guys to kind of think of it that way too, Like can I imagine having his life?
Don't kind of tell them the truth. We're not wishing well wishes, y'all will do it, because if you both want to do it, it will get done. It's that simple. You don't have to wish and hope and pray pray. It without works is dead. If you both want to beat with each other, got to put the work in. You gotta put the work in and do it over time. Don't expect it to be a year from now, this motherfucker. No, a year from now, it might be something else. Slap on the ass and baby, let's figure this out and
let's move it on. Like that to me is why life. I enjoy life now. Problems come right and a lot of times problems come and people like, damn, look at this another problem. You know why I look at a problem Sometimes I say, what a great opportunity. I see
problems as opportunities. What an amazing opportunity for Kadeen and I to work on ourselves to get over this together, so that on the other end of it, you can give each other four like when I see stuff come up, like that same thing with Jackson, when Jackson has an issue, he missed a game winner, he missed a free throw, his leg hurting, What a wonderful opportunity to say, Yo,
your leg is hurting. How can we get through this for the rest of the season so that when you get to the NBA you know how to deal with that exactly. You know.
Yeah, there we go. All you guys, you got it, you got it, you got it number two. Go take it away, baby.
Hello, Kadeen and Daval. I'm writing to you guys to give an update on my situation.
You guys say, okay, let's go okay.
I wrote to you a while ago. I was a guy who tried multiple attempts to marry my girl. Oh I remember, tried to take her to I can't even pronounce this. VIC quest via Kisco she said, no, etcetera. Okays, sorry, all my gas. I try to take her to viks Puerto Rico, she said, no, etcetera. Well, since then we separated, she decided to get her own place with her kids,
says she still wants to date. We still go out, go on trips and do what couples do, quote unquote, but we don't necessarily have the title of a couple. It at first had me confused, because on one hand, she's telling me to go out there and see if there's someone who has all I want. I thought this was her way of telling me she wants a date also, but it wasn't that. As one, she gave me keys to her new place. I believe belonging. I believe belongings, Daly, oh,
I leave belongings there. And two, I overheard her speaking to her friends about how she wants space for herself and it's not interested in getting to know someone else. If she should get an itch, I'm her choice to scratch. Okay, I'll get on this smashing them. Jeez a little bit. My first separation had me real fucked up. I never once begged her to come back or change her mind. I helped her and her kids a situation, and I fought my battles alone. I didn't ask her for the
ring back as badly as I wanted to. He actually wears the ring on the right hand, which I don't know if she knows Europeans where their wedding rings on that hand. But anyway, but I firmly believe everything happens for a reason, and us having time and part has helped us become better friends.
We have a weird dynamic, but it works.
It works.
Most importantly, this has helped me focus better on what I want for myself and my future. I carried that fairy tale thought and that was partially my downfall. I'm glad you said that. Like I said, we have a different dynamic, as everyone does. There's no one route to life together exactly period. I help her when she needs it because we still have something quote unquote, but we don't focus on being a couple. Maybe I'll meet someone, maybe one day she will be my wife. Who knows.
But what I do see is a better me in any situation, God himself for me. See, we just talked about this, brot don't want to take up too much time.
So this is the update in the nutshell.
Thank you guys for me.
I am so so I want to give me four yes. So this is removing the relationship portion of your story and you talking about how you grew to be a better version of yourself, which is ultimately what Daval and I try to tell y'all day in and day out on this podcast. Work to be the better version of yourself, the best version of yourself that you can be prepared for when that person meets you and they become your person. Like I love to hear it, bro, thank you for
the update. I love that you actually provided us with an update because so many times we think about randomly these love these listening to other stories and we're just like, I wonder whatever happened to such and such?
So you know what, you know what stuck to me? What's that stuck out for me is that he stopped looking for the title and stopped saying what everybody is saying, this should be this, and just accepting what it is if he wants to live in that. He says it works for them, Yes, you know who? That matters to them?
Them?
You know who?
It don't matter to the rest of us.
Yep, your relationship doesn't have to be what other people wanted to look like.
Yep, it doesn't have to be and it works for y'all. And that might have taken some of the pressure off her feeling like that he's trying to push for this title and push for this fairy tale that he has in his mind, where it kind of opened her up to just kind of exist and say, maybe I miss him a little bit, maybe I want to be with him a little bit, Maybe this is the guy for me. The process might be different.
Remember we talked about not having obligations for each other and had I created a deeper connection because I knew you chose to be here and you knew I chose to be here for him. It made him happy to know that she still continued to choose to choose him. Yes, when she needed to scratch it, she still has her ring on. She gave him a key, so she's choosing to do these things. It made him more fulfilled than any title would have, because imagine if she accepted the title but still.
Moved the way she was moving exactly some things.
Sometimes titles are in everything they are, and you just have to do what's right for you. We don't know her trauma and what she's going through to make her feel like she wants a little bit of distance, but to keep him there. She could have been through anything, you know, for example, you know, finding out that my grandmother had been through some tumultuous stuff with my grandfather, and that was the choice.
Literally, you know what I'm saying.
She made the right decisions for herself, and that met my Papa John.
And they didn't have a title for years.
They didn't and they weren't married, and they didn't live together. Yep. He lived up in Poughkeepsie. She lived in Brooklyn for years, like majority of my life. They didn't get married until I was grown. Yeah.
I think they maybe just celebrated like a tenth wedding anniversary. Yeah, and then he just turned eighty, so you know what I'm saying. So it definitely worked for them. I'm so happy for the update, brother thing man, thank you for feeling us. And I love to hear I love to keep living. I love to hear it.
The last thing is keep doing what makes you happy, even in this situation. If after a while you realize you know what I want something more permanent. It's okay to be like, you know what, I think I'm to find it. You know that the time was, what the time was. I love the kids, I love you, but I want my own wife and I want my own kids. I think I'm going to go find that. That's okay as well.
Great, that's great, all right, y'all. If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, or if you want to give us an update from a previous listener letter. We even had a couple of listener letters that I heard, I've seen in the comments or someone has sent it to us, like I think I had an episode with I don't know if it was Jazzy or someone else, and they were like, we want to hear davous perspective on this listener letter, So right back in.
If there's something that wasn't there, or if you want Davous perspective on a Day with K episode, write us back at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
And that's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All Right, moment of truth time. We're talking about the power of conceding in a relationship and mine is pretty simple. I think that where accountability meets conceding in a relationship meets taking responsibility. Come on, that's where that was.
Yours mine was where accountability meets maturity.
Okay, that's a good one.
That's where it was, and that's that's to me. We're conceding in a relations where accountability just.
One dual moment moment truth.
We both conceded and came up with the same moment.
That see and figured it out along the way. But literally, for me, the biggest thing that I had to work through as an individual, as a person, it's the accountability portion of it and how that allowed me to freely concede within my relationship knowing that there's certain things that I am great at and I can lend into the relationship, and then there's certain things that I have to let Deval take care of or call for outside help or
whatever the case may be. But me saying I just can't in this moment, and it's okay for me also so comfortable that I've done the wrong thing and I might have to pivot or Devot may have to come.
In and save me, Like that's okay, that's what's up. I minds simple. I've learned to concede control as a man who who's grown up with an old school mentality, it's you know, you run your house, and you control list and you make sure. I've learned to be like, you know what, I don't have to control everything in order for us to be successful. And I've conceded a lot of control, and it's been to our advancement.
You know, it's helped us thrive.
So shout out to you for that, shout out to us for learning ourselves, and also shout out to our kids for having the patience to go through this with us.
Because especially Jackson.
Yeah, he's the oldest. He's like the practice kid.
You know. He gives us so much grace too, he does, and he has those random moments where he comes up and he's just like, Mom, I love you, give you a hug. Dad, I love it.
He said. I'm gonna keep telling you that he tad this to me. Last night. I was sitting there after the whole hip thing and him him once again me being honest and be like, man, you know, Dad fucked up. You know I put a little bit too much on you. And he was just like, now, it's cool. You know, I love you Dad. You know you really be watching me and taking care of me. I said, I appreciate that he's I'm gonna keep telling you. I was like, damn. It made me feel good that he recognizes that I'm trying.
But I'm also not afraid of saying I made a mistake exactly.
And I think that's where the appreciation that like, yeah, that dual reciprocity that we have with him is like, it's great, It's great. All right, y'all, Keep on listening, keep on sharing. Be sure to follow us on Patreon to say exclusive dead Ass Podcast video content shout out to our Patreon gang gang. And if you are not following us on social media, where have you been? We have a whole last page on Instagram dead Ass the Podcast where you can see clips from other podcast episodes,
past podcast episodes. We're going to keep posting on there and really cranking out all these episodes. You know, there might be a throwback Thursday or flashback Friday, so you can listen to an old episode that you might have missed, And you can follow me at Kadeen I am.
And I Am Devout.
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Cut dead Ass is a production of iHeartMedia podcast Network and its produced by Donor Pinya and Triple. Follow the podcast on social media at dead Ass the Podcast and never miss a Thing