The Cycle of Grief

This may come to a surprise to everyone, but everybody's gonna die.

Well, damn, just jump right in. Why don't you.

Well When they say that grief comes in waves and stages, I've become far too familiar and acquainted with.

That in the past few months.

Dead ass.

Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.

You may know us from posting funny videos with our.

Voys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.

Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.

Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes.

Sir, we are.

We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.

Things most folks don't want to talk about.

Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take philosoff to our whole new level.

Dead ass starts right now.

So storytime, story time, I'm gonna take y'all back to.

I was.

Nineteen ninety six. Oh wow, back nineteen ninety six. Yes, I was in seventh grade.

Nineteen hundreds.

As our kids would say, we're ancients, were vintage.

My Grandpa Titty one of my most favorite people in the world.

Man.

He was married to my Grandma Wa. Shout out to both of them. Titty t O O t I E Titty t d. Okay, you said, Grandpa.

Tittymes that sounds like.

It does sound like to the Grandpa Titty.

He was My grandma Wa was I believe, second husband, and he was the one I grew up with knowing the most, very rich, just man cool though, but he you know, he's he was a grandpa. He did with Grandpa did start with you know what I'm saying, And I remember he got sick and at that time I was twelve, and during those times, your parents didn't talk to you about grief or talk to you about illness or sickness. It was just like Grandpapa Titty sick and

I went in the room.

Brian didn't. And when I saw Grandpa Titty, he was dying of cancer. At that point, he was down to like maybe ninety something pounds. He had the tube in his mouth, the machine was breathing for him, and I was immediately frightened, like immediately frightened.

But the next day he passed away. And ever since then.

Until my grandfather Charles Edward Ela Senior passed, I dealt with grief.

Completely different.

All right, karaoke karaoke time. So there's so many songs that we could sing about. There are so many songs in death.

And what was.

The song that I first originally said I wanted to sing in the cover I'll be missing you.

Yeah, I'll be missing you.

You know.

You know what I'm saying.

B I g Faith Evans, you know what I'm saying. But then K was just like, no, we can sing a different song, and being the clown she is, started singing the song.

So I said, you know what, trying.

To laugh through my sadness, Let's give the people what they want.

Boom boom boom boom boom boom.

Boom boom boom, tell me what you don't and do what they know where to run, judge me, come figure and judge me, Come for you, but you don't know where to judge me.

Now you can't tell me. Y'all know what he was saying.

Everybody guds got it.

And I'm gonna miss everybody out and roll the bone man.

That's case favorite. Whenever I do the same.

Shout out to a harmony who pretty much much created a whole different sound that became one of the most popular sounds in rapping.

And they were literally in their own travel. And where are you now?

I don't know, still doing tours singing Crossroads because it's a dope song and it's nobody like it except Twist. The kind of came in sort of rapping fast like that, but nobody did it with the harmonizing like thugs bone thugs in harmony.

Yeah, shout out to boone thugs and harmony. Where are y'all at?

See you at the crossroads? You will be lonely.

And I'm gonna missmony and I'm gonna miss seremony.

That must be your favorite part.

And I'm gonna miss smony.

What don't miss, though, is these bills.

So let's go pay these ads and pay some bills, get into the ads rather, and we're gonna be back after we take a good break.

So stick around, y'all.

I pray that you don't have any dreams of running through forests and falling and seeing my face or kids, everybody that we love. That's crazy that you've done. Have you had those dreams since then?

To be honest, no, you haven't.

I haven't, And to be honest, I haven't lost anyone like that. Who my parents took me to see someone about the dreams, And what I learned at that time was that dreams are often manifestations of things that you think about the most. That's how it was explained to me. So if you're thinking about something, you've fallen asleep or have you ever been sleeping or in a realm of sleep, and then you hear something going on, and then you wake up and what you hear was on television.

Yes, like you you fall in with the TV on, or someone's having a conversation around you. Yes, that kind of becomes like your dream. Yes, and you think you're dreaming, but it really was something happening. Right, Yeah, I've been there.

So how it was explained to me at the time I was real young was that you know, you were thinking about these people, you care about these people, and those thoughts manifest themselves into dreams, and dreams often manifest themselves into what happens, because we as people tend to live about our dreams.

Right.

So when I asked to see my grandfather, same way I didn't. I didn't ask to see my karate teacher. Shout out to Anthony Commander, who died very young at the early age of thirty two. I believe he had a heart attack in the stage. But it frightened me. Frightened me so after that point, and you know, I've never expressed this to people, but I'll say it now.

There were three people who are very very.

Close to me, well four actually four people who are very very close to me, who because of what I went through with Grandpa Tooty, when they started to get older and I noticed that they were starting to decline in health, I just avoided.

Going to see them with them, yes, because I.

Didn't want it to be on my mind and I think about it, then I have the dream and then that's the last time I see them, you know.

So it was almost like protecting yourself from that, protecting them from possibly dying sooner.

I thought I was with my Grandma Wah Wah first and foremost, that she was like my heart you and I used to go visit her every time we came back from Hostra, we drove by Farmers Boulevard and we stopped to see my Grandma wah Wah like she was one of my favorite people. She listened to my games on the radio, and as she started to get really, really sick.

It was hard for me to go see her.

Because I was like, man, I don't want her to die. I was being selfish. I don't want her to die, so I'm not going to go see her. This way, i don't think about her and I don't dream, and I'm not going to be the reason she died.

Same thing with Pastor Boyd.

And it all changed really with my Grandpa Charles, and it was because they lived with my parents. I went to go see them as much as I could. I didn't go see them because I was afraid. But then when Pop went into the hospital he was suffering with COPD, and my dad called and said, you know, I think you need to get over here because this may be the last few times you get a chance to.

See your pops. So like all I bet.

I remember that's what we had Jackson, Cairo and Caves at the time, and we packed up the car. We dropped them to your parents' house and we went to go Seapop. I remember going into the hospital and people from my family had started driving up from Virginia, six hour eight hour drives just to be able to see Pop, because he was the patriarch of the family and they

So I think his body was just failing him.

And my grandmother had just went into a home because she's suffering from dementia, still suffering from dementia, and I feel like his will to live and survive had finally gone because he knew my grandmother was going to be okay.

Because prior to that, he was her soul.

Yeah, feel taker.

I mean, even with everything he was going through.

I remember just seeing how strong he was man the fact that he gets up and he still made her breakfast and still cooked brought her food.

To her and every day all that.

And it was also hard because she had her moments where she had, you know, her episodes dealing with dementia, and like she didn't even either remember who he was at the time or she was going back to like certain times in their life and he was just like man like.

And it was a lot to she remembered who he was always.

But I don't know what it is about dementia sometimes they always remember the times that were the most difficult. So she would wake up and see him and think that she was in a time where they were going through something. And I remember my dad being upstairs and I'm like, you know, comebine. I hear her screaming, and

You didn't say not Dad, You're okay? He look up, what did you say? Turn? He just turned off his here and there and was watching the TV.

I love that, just watching it, watching the TV with no sound, even if I don't have to hear her.

So it's funny though, that, like he loved her so much that he was willing to sit in that. But what really helped me deal with my grief was when he was dying, my dad, who is now going to be the patriarch of the family because his older brother is suffering from Alzheimer's, like my grand my grandmother. It was his decision of how we're going to handle pop's care.

I'm tired. Like that's all he said, I'm tired. Have mercy.

And he was like that, like what do you mean, Like what do you mean, Like if you spoke to the doctor, the doctor said they can do this, and he was just like no, He's like, no, have mercy.

Please let me go.

Literally said that to my dad, Troy, let me go, have mercy, and I knew. I think he knew at that point that my dad was the one in control because he was of soundmi body. But they always leave it up to a family member to make the decision.

So my dad called his sisters in there.

They spoke about it, and they had the discussion and my father was just like, yo, like we can't be selfish and say we won't pop around for us or have him laid up in the hospital trying to deal with all of these things.

There's no quality of life. So the next part.

Is like the most poetic part that may help me deal with grief. After all of the grandkids, great grandkids came up, he saw its great grandkids, my brother, his grandson's daughter came up. Like he saw all of the generations, four generations. He asked my dad to let him go. My dad agreed to sign an NDR a DNR a DNR, and the doctor said, once we take the oxygen out, it's going to be difficult for.

Him to breathe.

He may last, you know, a day. It's going to be a labor but we'll give him more fhiend so he'll be comfortable. But once he takes the oxygen out, it's all on him and his lungs aren't strong enough to support it. And my father said, okay, deal. My grandfather said, okay, sign the paperwork. They left. My father said, my grandfather took the oxygen out his nose and by himself, just took it out like this, looked at my father, smirked, tears rolled down his eyes like this. He took a

A way to go.

And that helped me deal with grief because he did on his own terms. He got a chance to see his family. He didn't die alone, died with his son there. But it was such a proud moment. But it reminded me is that we are in charge of our own destiny, you know what I'm saying, And it's not up to someone else to create what I were a final moments are supposed to be. So it also helped me realize that I can't ever blame myself, because a lot of time grief is blame, you know, or guilt.

It's one of the stages of grief is guilt like what could have done differently?

Or what more could I have done?

You know?

So, but seeing Pope helped me in ways that I didn't think because I thought that if I saw him it would be I would see him in a sad state and I would remember the bad times and thinking about Grandpa Tooty. But then after seeing him that day and my dad and then us coming back. You remember, it was about six of us in that room after he passed and we're just making jokes and his body is still warm. He's over there, and there was like

Differently, I think, well, at this point, when you guys hear in real time now, my grandmother passed yesterday, yes and she got super sick last June, developed a kittie infection, went septic, and typically with sepsis at her age, she should not have survived it, especially how severe it was borderline pneumonia. Like there were just a bunch of things

There's you know. So all that happened in June. I made my way down there.

I remember you saying just go, like off everything and go, and we drove down my mom and I to see her. And I mean, my grandmother is a strong woman. Her mom lived till ninety seven, so I was really thinking Grandma was gonna make it up into the nineties. I'm like, oh, that's the life expectancy on that side for sure. But she pushed past it, and she really had to. It was an uphill battle for her physically mentally because of the sepsis.

Her cognitive functions were all off. She was confused.

But it was weird the timing when everything happened, because you think about grief that you can prepare for because you know someone's going within, there's the sudden grief or the tragic grief or the tragic loss that's out of

Die, like there's no way, you know.

But then she would also say, yeah, she was calling his phone still and she's just like, why didn't Paul call me today? Because he would call her every day. So that confusion that she had and also him not being in the same state as her kind of helped her deal with the grief of losing her son, because we definitely thought that was going to throw her over the edge.

They said, there's one thing that a mother should never do, and that's bury their child.

Their child. Yeah, that's in fact.

The mother should never have to endure that.

Nope, nope.

And I feel like if if that had happened when she before she even got sick in June, it would have been a completely different reaction for her losing my uncle. But you know, the family had to work past that because again, that was sudden, unexpected. He wasn't ill you know, to our knowledge, like everything was fine. So by November, Grandma was back to her old self. She called me for my birthday. Actually just replayed a voice note that she left me on my birthday. She would call me

Know, you just want to be there for the family.

Because I think she also anticipated how great the loss was going to be for us, you know, her grandchildren, her children, her great grands So there was that will to live that she had for a long time, and she fought. But things took a turn for the worst, you know, ten days ago or two weeks now at this point, you know, her doctors pretty much said that there was nothing more medically that they could do for her.

The heart heart failure as well.

So there really just wasn't anything from a medical standpoint that they could do anymore for her. So that's when the family decided along with her because at this point now cognitively again she's in a good space.

Yah, And she agreed to go on hospice.

So when I heard hospice, I'm thinking, Okay, well hospice. Some people are in hospice for months, you know, some people are in hospice for a couple of days. And we were just hopeful that she would pull through until again, at the very end, it's a very like one day's a good day, the next day is not a good day. And we got a call on a Sunday that it wasn't a good day. So Mom and I, you know, and my mom, I realized that she was she wasn't

Down like next week.

And I was like, Mom, I don't want Grandma to not make it. And you say that you were on your way like with Grandpa, because that exactly happened with my grandfather. We were living in New York and Brooklyn at the time, and they said, I think you should come down, Sharon, and she had a flight like the day or day after and Grandpa passed, and she was just like, Dad, you didn't wait for me.

You didn't wait for me. I was on my way.

And I was heartbroken for her in that moment because I'm like, man, she didn't get a chance, you know, to go down and make peace with it and say her goodbye.

So to avoid something like this happening again with her mom.

In the event that Grandma lives through hospice for months, great, but if not, I want to make sure that you're down there to see her. She's asking specifically for you. She was asking for me, she was asking for my sister. So we went down to see her and she did perk up a bit because I just feel like being in the same space with.

Her, you know, she was seeing her favorite people.

You know.

We had two really good days with her.

I was able to talk to her, thank her, you know, for the impact she had in my life for the past forty years, the impact over the life that we've had together. Our boys who were fortunate enough to meet her and know her, Yeah.

She helped.

She helped bring them into this life. When she literally had the boys, she always flew up. She always helped for weeks she was there.

She was remember for our home birth with Kaz. She like, you know, there was nothing like having that maternal support, you know, from the women around me that I really needed in that space. She got to come see our house here in Georgia. So I was just talking to her about those things, and she was like, okayky, my little girl that never used to like to eat, you know, and she's talking about as a kid, yep. And I said,

That's all right, baby, take your time, still very fresh.

So knowing that.

I knew that this was going to be my last time seeing her, in my last conversation with her, and.

I was like, all right, Grandma, I got.

To get back to the boys and they have school, and you know, Devale was holding down the fort for me, so I said, I have to go. I said, but I love you, and I thank you for everything, and just watch over us. And she said, okay, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you and Deville and those boys. And I said I love you and she said I love you too. And that was our last conversation in person, you know, And of course I called, you know, face timed her the next couple of days,

A good times.

Yeah, No, we had some good times. She would come other than when she would come up to New York for the holidays, you know Mother's Day. There was like two or three Mother's Day that we drove to Virginia to meet my friend Tiffany, and we'd have a spa weekend together. You know. Every time I was on the bus coming home from high school, I had a heat

You know.

She was the only one that had McDonald's money for me.

Back in the day when my parents were like, no, there's food at home.

She'd just like pushed the McDonald's money in my hand.

Grandma always gonna give you McDonald's Monday, because mother's always gonna ask you got McDonald's money.

Oh yeah, yeah, because I do.

Grandma gave me McDonald's money, you know, just everything she said, take me around the corner to S and D to go shop for like dresses for church.

She'd take us to Sabbath School together.

And we just wanted to be like Tristan and I just wanted to be in her presence, so we'd go to Sabbath School with her, come back to the house. She taught me almost everything I know about cooking, how to be a great mom, how to be a great wife. Like it doesn't yet it didn't.

It didn't die with her, No, it didn't.

Roots You know, you you will live through Grandma will live through you.

Just know that.

I definitely pray that I can be a fraction you know of the woman that she was, especially as like a wife and a grandmother and a and a mom. You know.

I remember one of the earliest memories I have going to your house for Christmas. Of course Grandma was there and you got me a plate of fool and she came over.

Oh yeah, she came home.

When she snatched the plate of food up, she said.

No, no, no, that's not how we do think here.

You don't feed no matter food on a plastic plate, paper plate.

I was like my grandma's Christmas and we're doing all disposable. Ain't nobody washing no more dishes. We've been cooking all day. And she said, go and get the young man a plate out of the cupboard, and you get a good food. And it's forking knife. Because she was always like my grandfather with the forking knife. But yep, she always made sure she wants to make sure that was taken care of.

And she was a real one.

She used always, you know, even after I had kids and everything, she used to tell me, take care of yourself, you know, make sure your husband sees you're looking good and nice and.

Picked up back yourself. She would tell me that when she just she just knew, she knew what it took.

She did, she didn't know what it took.

And she was also willing to jump in and be an active participant in making sure that you were able to be where you needed to be for the family. That's why she came up. The baby will be crying and she will go grab the baby up.

And remember that, did you ever tell the story at the time she came and thought it was the baby?

Yeah, so embarrassing.

This is actually a funny, very very funny.

Grandma probably laughed to herself about that while I was like crawling into a hole and wanted to die.

So me and Kay, Me and Kay went out one time and we came back at a very nice time, and Grandma was staying with us. And at this time Grandma was staying it back in Jackson's room.

We're in the apartment.

We're in the apartment and me and Kay doing what we do and k then was a little you know, so she was a little bit louder than normal because typically when we know that, when we.

Know that Grandma's there is quiet tom.

But she was making a little bit noise, and I think Grandma believed it was the baby. So Grandma busted in the room as she normally do, and there was some things going on. Not the funny thing was Kau then don't even remember Grandma busting in the room. I busting her eyes. I'm like oh shoo, and kays like what what what? Grandma closed the door back? Never said anything like she just closed the door back. Now, y'all know me, I ain't gonna stop once Grandma closed the door, right, she had eight.

Kids and the baby.

Maybe you had to like nurse the baby or something.

Yes, that's literally, that's literally what happened.

If I had some drinks that I wouldn't have been nursing.

But we had went out and then you just wanted the.

Baby, wanted the baby, so you were.

And you grabbed the baby and the baby was sleep and you were just like, wow, we were doing our things. But the funny part is the next morning I come out, and you know, I like to handle things head on, so I wasn't gonna act like Grandma didn't just see me.

Asked up. You know what I'm saying. Well, k ass up, you know what I'm saying. But both of us asked, So I was like, hey.

Grandma, she said, you all you know I'm here, but I'm not here.

That's all she said. And then she just kept them moving.

And I respected it because she respected our house and I probably the same way when Kaz was here and you and I ended up having an argument. It wasn't just about those When we were having an argument, we were going at it. And then, just like with the sex thing, the next day, I went up to Grandma and I said, Grandma, no you heard, and she said, be tart, I'm here, but I'm not here. And I was like, see that's a grandma Grandma's they don't get involved.

She never judged me or okay for anything.

She definitely gave me a talking after though, she said your a husband.

Okay.

I just know he had a point. Since when did you get on his side? Like when did this?

Do you remember what the argument was about?

Don't you remember what it was about?

The argument was about you you went out with the girl. There was a time when we had just had cash. You had went out with the girls because it was right like after your birthday and I was calling and I couldn't get you, and you had said you were going to.

Call me when you got there.

So then you you didn't call when you got there, and then we only had one card at the time.

Then you came back late.

I still had to go to work, and then we were arguing about communication, and then you were saying.

Like if I don't get out often, and it was just an argument.

It was one of those arguments that you know, I want. I was concerned about where you were. But Grandma was definitely like one of one, you know, and not not to shift gears, but it reminds me of my grandmother.

Like my Nana, like that generation of folks.

They were different. They understood.

As you get older, you you understand why things are the way they are. And my Nana was like live wire to say the least. But her heart was so huge. And my grandmother is still alive, but she has dementia bad, so her mind. She hasn't been with us, so I say at least ten years now.

No, it wasn't that bad Pops.

Pops passed in twenty and nineteen, so I would say since twenty seventeen she's been kind of like going, so it's about seven years.

It's always weird when anyone talks about her.

And the fact was like Nana was, I'm like, she's still here and she's still alive, but she is not.

You know, I still grieve. You know you're talking about your Grandmother's reminded me my mind.

And it's funny when you talk about grief and you say like, I'm dealing with I know how to deal.

I know how to deal.

And then you start thinking and and it's like, are you really dealing that's literally or are you like ignoring the fact that someone who you've known your whole life of loving is no longer going to be here?

Yeah?

I think that was me. When I first got the news yesterday, it was like, okay, so we knew this was going to happen. And then it's like the podcast Cruise in Town. We still got this going on. It's like making sure my mom is.

Okay, get busy, the boys are okay, so we just I just kept it pushing. It was busy. Our room needed to be clean.

We unpacked from like a couple of suitcases a lot and.

He was like, oh, you can clean up.

I was like, yeah, I just got to keeping busy because yeah, that's that's actually one of the stages of grief that we can actually kind of go through it. For those who feel like grief is just one dimensional or like you know, there's a certain timeframe to get through it, or do you feel like everyone deals with it the same way. I didn't really look at the stages of grief until my uncle passed unexpectedly in October and then I have lost like my grandfather on my mom's side.

I watched younger.

Yeah, it was just uncle.

Uncle Paul was way different because it was like shock, but definitely with Uncle Paul. I watched you go through like oh my guy. Then it was almost like denial. I remember Sakari called that morning and you were like, Uncle Paul's not responsive, and I remember, like, I'm not responsive and you was. At first you had you would vocalize this. You said, oh, you know, he's in the

He was like anger and guilt. It was guilt and agga.

And the first thing you said to me was that he wanted to come down here to see me, and he wouldn't come down here to see me for the reasons, you know, and.

You were mad like you were mad, like I.

Was rough one for me when I think about it, You're right, You're definitely right.

Yeah, there were so.

Many layers to that it was.

And there was just like other family issues and tension that like, at that point made me angry. I felt like it was something that was like that was avoidable or correctable rather before his death, and then it actually kind of forced me and pushed me to then be very transparent with people I needed to be transparent. I think his death was like the catalyst for me saying like no more, Like I'm not doing this anymore with y'all. So here's how I feel, and at least there's no discrepancy,

But also I'm glad you brought that up too, because when we talk about the different types of grief, right, it says here grief can be caused by the passing of human life. We all know that, but death of a relationship. The reason why I bring up the death of a relationship is because I know the relationships that were strained in your family. I watched how you even grieve through that process, the relationships and your family that

You deal with someone who's grieving.

You know, like you say it all the time, like, Babe, I don't know how you You know, you're delta, And every time I got to run to Florida or something, you just say, Okay. It's because I understand that grieving is a process, not a period of time. I'm not going to tell you, well, Grandma died two months ago, so it's time to move on.

Oh, uncle Paul died.

No.

Grieving is understanding that that person is going through a process of healing, and that process of healing has no timeline. And if you love someone, you allow them to grieve on their own terms and you be as supportive as you can. The last thing you can do with someone who's grieving is trying to push them out of grieving because you think it'll help them feel better, you know, like, and sometimes you do that now, trying to be malicious, but you're like, I got to help get get out of this.

Ye.

You know, they'll pull them out of bed and yeah, maybe you just need to go aside for a bid, take a shower, you know, and.

Sometimes it sometimes it helped, but but you got to understand and know that person like that may not be Let me just jump in his bed with them this time, right, you know what I'm saying. Let me jump into bed, let me let me cuddle them a little bit, and you all right, you want to.

Sit here quiet? Yeah, it's okay too to say you want to cry.

Yeah, you're good for that. Like you want to cry, I'm like, actually was okay.

Until you asked if I wanted to cry, and now I want to cry.

But to be honest, that crying helps, like that release of emotion and that release of energy.

It does lots sadness, it's anger, it's it's so many things that once that that gets released, I know it

That suggests a consecutive in a finite process.

But when you ask people who are actually experiencing grief, most of them will say that grief comes in waves, so it's not linear, it doesn't always end.

Sometimes it's just it's easier to live with.

I just thought of something, what's that? Just why you said that?

And looking at this right, loss of independence, right, loss of health and function. One of my biggest moments was grieving when I transitioned from football to being independent of being an athlete and realizing that I was no longer going to be a professional athlete. I was grieving going through that process, not realizing it, but thinking about this mother's grief, loss of independence, change of function of the body. We always talk about postpartum depression as if it's just.

A hormonal thing.

But now that I think about it, I could see how women grieve the fact that I used to be this person, right, but now I had to grow a whole person.

A person came out of me. My body has changed, My independence is no longer here.

Oh yeah, your brain is like, now you know what I'm saying. Your heart is not like this human is not walking outside of my body.

Yeah.

When I think about it like that.

After reading that, it made me realize, like, dang, if I would have approached postpartum as a grieving period as I could have been a lot more effective rather than doing the opposite and say you'll get over it, let's move on, let's you know what I'm saying.

Like, when you just said it, I was like, God, I didn't even think about that.

That is a really good correlation.

You know. I've heard women say in other mom forums, where you know, there's a safe space for us to speak. I've heard mom say I grieve the old life that was single, like that didn't have you know, the responsibility of having to keep a human alive. Or I'm grieving you know what my body used to look like. Or I'm grieving the relationship I had with my partner because now I'm just this.

Never thought about that.

Yeah, yeah, that's never though.

That's to be honest.

That's why I enjoy doing dead ass podcast with you, because it's almost like I get revelations while we're in sessions, while we're potting. It's like boom, you know what I'm saying like, oh, shoot, you know what I'm saying, like, dang, it really dang.

But now that gave me a lot of clarity.

Hopefully I can use that to help some other people who you know, some of my friends who are also having children now, because we pass that point in our life. But it's also preparing me for the next part, like when something changes, for example, Jackson going to college, there's going to be a grieving period for both of us because he's no.

Longer living here and I already know.

Coincidentally, guys, Kay and I went to go look at an independent school for Cairo and Kaz because Jackson just got into an independent school, as y'all saw a couple of weeks ago. We're proud of them. So now we're sending all four boys to an independent school. And I watched as she, like all of the different educators were telling the transition from going to elementary school to.

Junior high school and high school.

I watched out all of their eyes, was like, yeah, and to change and it's like.

They're going across the street, what is the change? But now did I see you are.

A different building. It's like, no, that's significant. It is significant and their girls and.

Are significant in the timeline that you have with them, right much like when you grieve the timeline that you've had with somebody, like I think of forty years with my grandmother.

That's my entire life. Like, yeah, we go way way back.

You know, topics like death and lass are just hard to talk about. So when you're experiencing grief, people may get kind of awkward and uncomfortable around you, and it's okay to ask for what you need or just seek support from someone who can relate to what you're going through. And thank God for our village of people and friends, family who are just constantly checking in asking what they can do to help. And really, I think genuinely in those moments, if you do need help, you know, get

I didn't even think about that, but the offer alone was.

Just enough to be like damn, thank you for thinking of how you can show up for me in this space. Absolute because a lot of times when people have, you know, lose a family member or loved one, a pet, like you don't know how to say anything, Like you can't say anything right right, there's no nothing you can stay to make them feel better in that moment. But I think anticipating needs in those moments are definitely helpful ways to show that you care.

You know, that's a.

Question which one of your friends asked if they wanted you to come Christina. Of course I knew it was Christina. Yeah, I knew it was Christina. Christina is like her heart so big and she's she's dope. It's funny because a man would never ask another man you want me to come to your house and stay with your families.

Man, we ain't gonna grieve like that. We're going to hit you with a quick text like ye yeah, yeah, yeah yeah.

If you need something, you know, we can go to the strip club, get you a body that grieving you know what.

Yeah, Christina and even Tiffany was just like times like this, I wish I could jump in the car like you know, I'll be on the next flight if you need me, I'm like, girl, you have a whole family with four kids and a husband. Like, I don't expect you to leave your house to come down here to help me, you know, or just to be with me.

But these are friends.

Who I have that will, literally, like you said, show up how I need. Sometimes I just want you to come into bed with me and we just lay down together, I know what.

Or sometimes I will cry, or sometimes I want to go.

Out to eat, Like it just depends on I know what you need time and I love that people can offer that support as needed. And then crying is coping lost heartbreak on wanted change his heart and it's okay to cry because.

I will at the trap of time. That's why I had to talk about that with Jackson. And we we at the gym yesterday. We just got finished during the podcast. We go to the gym, be working through it. Kay calls me Grandma's gone. My first response, not realizing he's paying attention, is like, well you serious, and she's like yeah, I'm like sorry to hear that, babe, You me and me want to go down.

I'm not thinking he's paying attention.

He's putting shots up and then he comes over to me, He's just like Grandma's gone. I was like, yeah, it broke down crying and said, yo, yo, let it out. You want to leave, you want to go home. He's like, no, I want to finish. I want to finish. So he like held it, finished his session twenty minutes. Soon as he got done, like as soon as it was over, broke down right there in the gym, taking his sneakers off,

I'm like, nah, we found out we had to lost in the family.

He's like, oh, man, like sorry, but watching Jackson try to hold it in, and then he was like he had something to distract him.

It was basketball.

But the minute there was no more, I got this drill and he had to sit down and take them shoes off.

And I had to explain to him. I said, yo, cry cry And.

He came home and he cried, and I was like, all right, Budy else. I didn't know that he found out at the time. Yeah, when you did it, I thought you told him in the car. So I said to him when we were talking about practice. After that, I'm just like, so, how did you get through practice? Bro?

Like you found out the news about Grandma.

And at this point he had just asked me to send him any pictures I have of him and Grandma, so he had changed the screen savers him and her, and he was just like, I really think Grandma would.

Have wanted me to finish. And I was like, that's exactly it.

You you legit said the same thing though, because my birthday is soon, and I was just like, hey, you know, if Grandma passes around my birthday, you know we can cancel.

And you was just like, absolutely not. Grandma would not have wanted me to cancel anything, absolutely not.

And I was like, I'm not gonna be selfish to ask you the plan of it, and you was just like, no, I've already spoke to my family about it.

And they all agreed to because that's how Grandma was though.

As Paul, so, yeah, you also said to something last time.

That was cool. He was like, you know, you wish you could be there for the meet up.

Paul's in heaven and he's stilling there and then you know, you see somebody from the distance and it's like, mommy, yeah, she's like.

You know what I'm saying, imagine that so happy and Grandpa And I know Grandpa's there too, could you imagine that?

That, to be honest, is probably like the big they having a great reunion up there.

They're watching the family.

And that's why people say it's good to celebrate when someone leaves us, because they're up there celebrating us too. They celebrating the fact that they've reached where they want to go, and you know, you get eternity and you get peace, and you get to see people you haven't seen in a minute. So I think it is important to know that there is a celebration.

You know, absolutely.

All Right, y'all, let's touch base really quick on the stages of grief, just familiar with it. We have eight stages, so previously they thought it was five, but it looks like there's eight. So then there's shock, of course, the immediately following the death of a loved one. It's the the process of really being difficult to accept the loss, right, so you're feeling like this is not reality. Out of touch went through that, yeah, and I I feel like

Really sets in.

Then there's the emotional release, so the awareness of the enormity of the loss is is realized at this point, accompanied by intense gangs of grief. And this is a stage of grieving that an individual sleeps badly and weeps uncontrollably. So I didn't sleep well last night. That's probably why I'm so tired. Now you're a busy morning. But yeah, it's like a restlessness that I feel, so I'm probably

Sorry.

Guilt is the fourth, and the feelings of guilt about failures and relationships, ability to change situations to save the decease.

I want to say this before we continue, because we're halfway through. If you're listening, ask yourself, are you experiencing any of these things? Because if you are, it's easy to identify once you've heard it and say, wow, that must be what I'm feeling. You know what I'm saying, And that's why therapy sometimes is important. Or even if you don't go to therapy, if you have a partner that you like discussing things with.

When you say things out loud, sometimes words have power.

You may not even be able to realize what's going on, but you say it out loud or you hear someone say it and it's like aha. So if you're experiencing any of these feelings right now, just think about something that may have happened to you. It may not have been a death, it may have been a change in a relationship, changing your job, you know, changing your physical

That's a good tip for sure.

So sometimes I can't articulate how I feel, but then I'm looking at it and I'm like, oh, I'm number three, here's.

Where I am.

It makes it that much easier to express how you feel, so others can help you. One thing I will say about number four guilt. I don't have any of that with my grandmother. I feel like we live life to the fullest. I did everything with her that I wanted to do. I could have spent every single day with my grandmother and still been just as devastated. Now, Yeah, like there was nothing more that I feel like, Damn, I didn't do this with her.

That with her.

She came to see our house. She gets to, you know, stay with us for a couple of weeks. She got to see all four of my boys. Like, I'm feeling good about that. Number five hostility and anger, feelings of anger over the situation, cause of death, and sometimes even

Remember that, So don't shame yourself or feel bad. People around you have moved on and you haven't. Don't ask yourself, Yeah, what's wrong with me? And like my wife said, right here, don't shame others. If you moved on, don't look back and be like, yo, you ain't get over this yet.

That's unfair. That's unfair.

And number eight, hope the pains of grief are still present, but the griefing person is able to find hope for the future. The individual is able to move forward in life with good feelings, knowing that we'll always they will always remember and have memories of that loved one. Yeah, oh man, I hope this was helpful to anyone you know who's dealing with grief, who has dealt with it, who's still dealing with it. I've heard, and I think the biggest takeaway here is that it's not linear, it's

And finding support. Like you you should not.

I wouldn't advise anyone try to deal with grief alone alone. Yeah, you know, grief is already daunting itself as it is, but trying to do that alone or in solitude is just I would I would advise anyone to seek help us if it's professional, a friend, other family, members.

But don't do that alone.

Don't do it alone, y'all, and shout out to my grandmother, Thelma Cherita Brian, one of the best to ever do it, my angel now along with my grandpa and yeah, my Grandma Joseph. And something HiT's different about losing the final grandparent, like she was my last living grandparent. But I'm so thankful for the times, and for the wisdom and for the for everything that they've poured into me. I'm definitely the woman I am today largely in part to my grandparents.

All Right, y'all, thank y'all for listening and helping me through this as well.

Thank you for all of the love, the support, the prayers, the d ms, the messages. You know, I see everything, and I am thankful, thankful.

All right, let's take a quick break.

We gather ourselves and we will move into listening letters after we pay some bills.

Stick around, y'all.

All right, guys, we're back.

All right, listen a time. Let me go first, sure, go for a baby.

Let's get money, all right, all right?

Hey, de Valen kadeen Wusu. I'm thirty years I'm a thirty year old woman from Canada.

I like Canada. We just came back from Toronto to year before that.

Yes, I've been following you guys on Instagram since the beginning and love to have witness to your growth.

Thank you so much. I just turned thirty. I am single and have no kids.

I traveled a lot in my twenties, visited ten countries in county, also lived abroad for a year, and plan to leave my hometown for good. I don't want to only focus on finding love and marriage, but I always want.

To start a family.

Every conversation with people now is about my singleness, the fact that I work too much, travel too much, should be stable, that I will never find a man if I move to Asia again, et cetera, et cetera. I am the only one of my family and friend groups that has had such an experience as abroad, and I feel like a black sheep in my hometown with the constant criticism and solicited unsolicited advice. Also, my parents are not the most supportive because they are waiting on their grandkids.

What advice would.

You give a newly thirty year old black woman, career driven, successful in her field language teacher? As I'm entering this new era of my life still single? Where should I focus? How can I turn off the outside constant noise about the choices I need to make for myself? Also, what should I look for in a partner if I ever meet him soon?

Don't be allowing people to project whatever they want to project over your life. Them claiming that over you that you'll never find a man you travel too much. Maybe they want to travel more, maybe they want a good job. Maybe they're projecting this on you. I just feel like once you prepare yourself for the right person, they come along. It seems like you are so successful in all of the things that matter to you. Your career, you're successful in that field, You're well traveled, you know.

I don't think though.

I think those are things that when you do find someone, you're going to meet someone who is looking for a woman like you, and that kind of energy that you put out you're going to receive.

I agree with you partly. I will say this. As we've.

Traveled through this time of social media, there's been waves. Right, there was a wave of a lot of women saying I'm independent, I don't need no man, I can do things on my own. Na, I don't need no da da da da da. Now it seems like the wave has changed to soft life me. I don't want to live life by myself. I've been doing this for a long time. And the reason why I bring that up is because she she said, not that anyone else. She said, I always want to always wanted to start a family,

You see what I'm saying, Because to her.

Being thirty already is like all right, chop chop.

Yes, Because let's be honest, Once you get into that mid thirties era, it's harder to procreate. A woman's body changes once you get to thirty five to thirty six. Now you're a geriatric and you're high risk. This is a scientific that they say. You know what I'm saying.

Og hated the term jeriatic. I don't let anybody call you Jerry.

If you were in a jeri astric, I was like.

You about thirty six.

But the reason why I say that is because the same way women women understand that the biological clock is real to them, men who are looking for partners understand that as well. So if men are looking for younger women to procreate and have kids, you can't then say why are you holding that against me, because that's the same argument you hold against men when you want to do.

Things on your time.

And I say that because if you want to have a career and you want to have a family, there's a way to do both. You find time to focus on both, don't only find time to focus on one, and then when you don't get what you're looking for out of that aspect of your life, then be upset at yourself.

But I also kind of think it's seasonal two because it's like, have you ever heard that, Like, for example, a woman can have it all, just not all at the same time. Absolutely, and that may be the thing for her right now. So having it all looked like in her twenties, traveling, absolute, her career and all that.

But that was my point, But you know you didn't initially give her that advice about focusing on that aspect. It almost seems to some people it's like, well, I'm a focus on my career and if love happens, it happens. You do have to also be focused and deliberate about finding love the same way you found your career. And

Their careers, which is funny.

I was talking to Jackson, right, and Jackson was just like, YO, make sure you find woman that has stuff going on for herself.

Yes, And he was like, what you mean? I was like, Bro, if you just focus on a woman right who looks a certain way, h only goal in life is to be up your ass, right, You're gonna go crazy.

She's gonna go crazy trying to be up your ass, and you're gonna go crazy trying to remove her from your ass because you got other things to do. I said, what attracted me to your mom was that she had her own thing going on. And since she had her own thing going on, I knew she was disciplined, I knew she was focused. I knew we could build a life together. So and I say that too. Don't think that because you accomplished all this stuff, you're going to

That's just not going to be the man for you. Right, does chase him away?

Right?

You want a man that's just like, Okay, yep, my girl did this. Oh we could do this together because I'm doing that great. And that's how you build an empire.

For every man that wants to stay at home wife to do nothing, there is a man who wants a wife that can build an empire as well. So don't think that there's one archetype of man looking for one archetype of woman. It's not right, like we're all out here just trying to find who is for us. So, baby, if you really want that family and you want that career, find time.

For both because you can do it. There you go, number.

Two, number two?

What up, though, Hikadina de val I just want to start by saying, I love you guys so much.

You are truly my inspiration.

Thank you, just from Detroit.

Love it. I sort of what up though, Okay, I'm going to just jump right in.

My boyfriend and I have been together for ten years and have a beautiful four year old son. Two months ago, he decided that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore because he can't get past my flaws.

He doesn't like my weight.

He complains about me gossiping about our business to certain people that don't need to know everything, which I take accountability for and have apologized for it. He also feels like I don't push myself to my full potential. I have a great job and make great money. I can understand how important it is to him wanting me to look good so I can feel good about myself. I started working on the things that he was having an issue with. I started working out four days a week

Mind? Jewey broke up five years ago.

He started messing with this girl who was batgit crazy, and guess what, he came back to me, And here we are, five years later, going through the same thing. The only difference is a child is involved. Now, you guys recently did a podcast on colda having a speech delate, and we're currently dealing with the same thing. He feels that if he moves out that our son will be affected by that and he will not progress or he'll stop progressing.

I'm going to be honest with you. I call bullshit.

My question to you, is am I wrong for wanting him to move out in order for me to heal and move on? Do I still continue to do his laundry, cook food for him, be supportive?

No?

I really don't know what to do. I hope you guys get my letter and can give me some advice. Signed a tired woman. All right, baby, you said no, I'll come.

Because, to be honest, I'm not mad at' either one of them.

To be honest, this is I mean, se valid points.

This is my thing. Right.

When someone is honest with you and tell you how they feel about something, you can't be mad or judge them. He not out here cheating and saying, oh, I love you baby, I'm gonna be home by ten and then come home at two am. He's like, nah, I don't appreciate your weight gain, and I don't appreciate the fact that you be talking out business to everybody.

He's letting you know what it is.

Now that he lets you know what it is, you have a choice, and you have to decide what you want to do.

These things you guys do. I still continue to do his launch and cook from.

And be supportive if you don't choose to, if you don't want to, you don't have to.

You're not obligated to, because at.

The point if you're just living like roommates in orders to co parent. Where I do understand his point of view is like, Okay, if you're dealing with something that your son is going through, yes, it may be more of a detriment to him to remove Dad from the household, now understand versus both parents working together to help him get through this. But I agree with you at that point, you're going to have to kind of draw the line about where or what this arrangement is going to look

These are what I want to do.

But in order for me to kind of draw a boundary instead of line, I'm going to need you to discuss with me how you can see or how you see this playing out until I move out, so that way we know exactly where the lines are being drawn.

I heard them move out.

No, no, no, I'm saying for them to have the conversation about what the lines and boundaries are going.

To look definitely, because it's going to be it's new. And if this is the thing where he's looking to move out and the relationship, then you know some changes have to be made.

To be honest, I don't understand how he plans on co parenting, living there and still courting other women. I don't see how that's going to work. Like you meet a girl, you have a good time, which you can to bring her back here. This is my ex girlfriend living like I don't I don't know what that's going to look like. That's never been my testimony, so I don't know.

But or maybe he's not looking to be with other women right now, he just doesn't want to be with her. Because she didn't specify if he mentioned wanting to be with other people.

Right right, We didn't.

We don't have too much context from his backstory, but and she also did say that they broke up five years ago.

He started messing with years every five years. Remember the first five years of our marriage was to and we did.

We did talk about this.

You and I talked about this when you asked when you tell someone in the beginning what you're looking for right, and you constantly have those conversations and they don't change. You break up, then you get back together, they change for two weeks, and then they go back to being who they are. It could be a thing where he doesn't believe that her change will be permanent, you know. And like you said, if you're trying to do this

It can be hard to tell somebody like man, I'm not you know, feeling as attracted to anymore because you don't look at your best self.

And that goes for a man or a woman.

Absolutely that women write in that just like yo, my man gave way, he got a big belly, like you know what I'm saying.

So it goes both ways.

But I will say this too, I applaud him for being honest and upfront with her, because a lot of times we shame men for being honest. But then if a woman says they don't like what is I need to leave, We'll applaud that you still tall. I'm no longer going to shame a man who says he doesn't want to be in a situation he doesn't want to be in. Most of the time we tell him what

Here, right and you're owe it to your son to be good coherence in a healthy environment.

If it's not healthy, it ain't gonna work.

And sweetheart, real talk, you owe it to yourself to be healthy. Kadeen and I have been talking about this. Health has really changed our life in so many ways. We talked about doing a sex episode because we did so many episodes complaining about our sex life when we weren't healthy, not only mentally but also and now we've seen the changes in our sex life because we're healthier, like we realize that, so we want to talk to you guys how important it is to remain healthy so

There you go, all right, y'all.

If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com.

That's D E A. D A S s A. D v Ice at gmail dot com.

Moment of Truth time.

My moment of truth is simple understanding that grief is different for everyone. There's no cutoff point where you have to start telling people how to grief, and if you're grieving, give yourself grace, give other people grace, and try to be as supportive as you can through this process.

That's a great one, babe.

Mine is I think pretty cliche because you hear it all the time, particularly from people who have recently lost a loved one, but it's really lean into and cherish the moments you have with the people you love because at any moment, anybody can be gone and the one tiny bit of consolation I have in all of this is the rich memories that I've had with my grandparents.

And I love that our children.

Are getting to experience that with our parents, and they're building their own relationships and bonds with my parents and then your parents. You know, Jackson and your dad are on the phone every day talking to each other. And now that he's retired and mis about to be retiring, I have both sets the grandparents down here. So I'm excited for that. I'm excited for our children to continue

Yeah, all right, y'all.

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