If you have a middle schooler and they have a phone, check that shit.
Period. Dead ass.
And I am terrified of the idea of my boys growing up and doing grown people's stuff.
Deadass, man, I just can't. Oh. Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devout and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos.
With our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take philos off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
I wonder if you should tell a story too. I don't know if you women don't have to tell typically tell these stories, but I'll tell my story. You want to tell yours?
I don't know. I don't know what you're talking about.
It's right here.
I mean, I know what your story is. I know what that means.
But I'm just saying, you typically do story times, so I don't even have a story in my mind.
I don't know what you were thinking about.
Well, I mean, a story just says here of your earliest sexual activity or encounter.
Oh got you?
If you would read the Runner Show, then I don't.
Typically read storytime because time you'll.
Be doing work over here, Trouble and Kate don't be looking at none of the stuff you put on a paper. I just want to be clear everybody at the live shows you're talking about, I don't be reading the Runner Show now.
Y'all see story time, y'all, I may be done two story times in our entire existence of having it.
That's podcast. So I don't typically look at storytime. Do you normally do it?
That's why I asked the question. I said, I'm going to do a story. Would you like to do your story?
And you said your story? As if we prior discussed the story. We've never discussed the story me doing today.
The bottom line is the bottom line. The bottom line is, had you read the run of show. Right when I said, would you like to tell your story? The context would have been there because you would have seen here on the paper that trip created. No, no, no, trying to finish.
You're right here because you're not.
I am somebody.
Somebody Let me ask y'all that if that typically does story time.
I just looked at job, Josh, look at me.
Don't look at me exactly period, So y'all stay out of it.
However, my thought is right here in the paper. It says story time, tell us about one of your earliest encounters with sexual activity as a younger teenager. Right, That's what it says in the paper. So my thought is if you would have read the run of show. When I say, oh, it's storytime, I could tell mine, would you like to tell yours? You would have known what I was talking about because it's here on the paper
that trip will create. That's my thought. But if I'm wrong for expecting you to read the run the show, then that's on me. You can just say that.
And brand new as if you always be reading runs of shows typically on the podcast and listen, I'm speaking.
Brand gave you your chance. I gave you writ me.
Out the paper of this, motherfuckers. I'm brand new, Okay, rip me out the classic, writ me out the plastic because I'm brand new.
Get the lyrics correct. Typically, y'all, when y'all listen to that ass podcast, whether it's a live show or the recording, who does story times nine times out of ten devo? So I typically don't even look at storytime because that's not my domain unless I'm giving a story about something pertinent to me or if it's an all ladies episode. So when you look at me and say do you want to tell your story? I had no idea what you were talking about.
Because you have one prepared because you didn't read this.
It didn't have one prepared.
But because you didn't read the you didn't read this.
It has nothing to do with reading.
That had everything to do with the fact that I don't typically do storytime, nor did we discuss me doing a storytime spoke about doing this.
That's your question.
Period.
Did you read the run of show to know what storytime was about?
No?
I know, That's what the whole point is. The whole point was that you didn't read the runner show before the show started. That was the whole point.
How many minutes and are we doing this?
That was the whole point. I would just like for the record to show the record showing that Kadeen didn't read the Runner Show when she be bragging everybody that I don't be reading the Runner Show. So since you didn't read the run of showhow.
Me the exception that I'll show you the rule one timer. Go ahead and just do your story, just the exception.
But you got to be accountable for this exception? Do you accept? Do you accept the accountability of the ex.
You got?
She's taking in the story time? But once again, but once again, I still had a question though. I had a question though, would you like to give your first and sexual encounter as a young teenager or not? That's that's really what the question was about.
No, I'm saying you go ahead. I didn't even have to think about so for.
This, you had that many as a young teenager? What was happening in your house?
Shut up, don't say that, because they're gonna take the clips. Then they're gonna take the ten second clip and that go viral. How I was a hussy as a teenager? I was not.
Whoever do that? Whoever done that? Whoever do that? Come to see me.
Let's see you because you started it.
But what I'm saying is that I haven't even gotten in my frame of mind to think of a story time.
So go ahead and do your thing.
How long it will take you to think about that story.
I tell you a story, Jesus story time.
God. Sorry y'all had to sit through that. But sometimes married people are gonna do what married people do. And that's argue, okay, because Kadeen ain't gonna never.
Admit she this is not free of the day. You just get it, get it rolling.
So I was in sixth grade. I was twelve years old because it was the end of the year, okay, and we had a dance. We had our sixth grade dance and Andrees Hoodie junior high school. I remember I had on my white shirt with the Chinese collar because that was big back in the days. Had on some black slash, but I had black slacks with the hush puppies because you know, hush Puppies was a big deal back in the day. So I was fly, you know what I'm saying. My pots gave me a little chain.
I had a ring that I put on my pinky. I was flying a d on the ls fly. So I'm in this dance and this young lady who I liked, and she liked me. It was just like yo, it was dance. So I had never danced before, Like I didn't know what the dub was like. This was this was really my introduction to this part of Caribbean culture. Right. So we're dancing. The lights is out in the gym.
It's a little dark, not too dark. They still had the like they had the yellow Christmas tree lights around the room and stuff so you could see, but it was still like them. Right. So we dancing or whatever, and she has my hand on her hips, she has her hand on it, and she's like like going up a little bit. So I was under the impression like, oh, she wants me to grab the titties. So I come up there and I start, I grab the titties and
she goes stop. So I stopped and we keep dancing, and she looked back and she looked back again, and I was like, well, what's the problem. She was like she was just like why you stop? And I was like, you said stop, and then she sucked her to you said oh, and then she stormed off little to say I was confused. I was like, I thought she said stop, you know what I'm saying, but she didn't didn't necessarily want me to actually stop, and I left there being confused.
And throughout my time as a young adolescent male, I had a number of things like that. Happened to the point later on in life that a couple of girls just like, oh, I don't think you like me because you ain't try hard enough. And that made me ask a question to our producer Intrudeau, which she gave me a very responsible answer too, okay, which is why I wanted to ask you yours. But we'll we'll.
You know, I don't have a I have a couple of like different like random like oh, when I was little in the middle school type things when you try something, you kiss somebody in the stairwell, things like that. I know one in particular that had me a little turned off and I was just like, I don't know about this.
We were across the street from our school.
I don't hear no more. I'm instantly jealous, instantly jealous, like I'm like, I'm already thinking about you. We weren't together, we don't really know each other, but I'm mad, y'all. I'm mad, y'all.
He pressed me about this whole story time issue. Don't want to you don't even want to hear him story.
We gotta move forward as a people. Now, go ahead.
I'm playing, But it's pretty short because it was literally me thinking I wanted something and then being like, no, I don't, but not for the reasons y'all. Think I'm across the street at the park with this kid that had a crush on like forever, right, So finally he's noticing me. I'm like, okay, cool, it's at the school time. I'm staying back to do some after school dance class activity.
Mom is coming to pick me up. But you know, we always trying to work on the clock, and say, okay, I got a couple of minutes spare time until she get here.
Let me go do some things, right, So he's like yo, ha, He's like, yo, you wanna go cross state to the park. So I was like, all right, we're just taking a walk.
You know, taking a stroll, you know. I meanwhile, I'm watching the clock.
Now I'm like all right, now, I got it because she can't catch me coming from across.
The streetcause it's like, what were you doing with some white in out of park?
Right?
Good?
So I walk over there reluctantly, but also too, I'm like, heads on a swivel because I'm nervous that somebody is going to see me that knows my mother, and you know how it is, especially back in the day in Brooklyn, everybody know everybody. And we come from an era where if your parents weren't there to see it, and somebody else saw it, they can then enter, snatch your ass up,
tell your parents accordingly, and handle it. So I'm kind of head on swivel, you know, and I'm walking through the park a little nervous, but I'm just like, oh, I'm getting.
Time with homeboy, right. So we go.
We sit on one of the bleachers the track is there, watching people walk around the track, you know. Then he starts, you know, feeling on me, feeling on my waist, giving me a little kiss here and there, then kissing on my neck and my ear, and I'm just like, oh, I'm starting to feel things that I had never felt before.
This. Yeah, but you said it was short. This is the longest fucking short story I ever heard of my life.
But got starting to feel things so then I had on my dance leggings or whatever. So he then goes to put his hand in my pants. Right, So he
goes to put his hand in my pants. And then at this point I'm like, okay, now this is too much because we're in public, right, So I pull his hand from out of my pants, and I was just like no, And I looked down at his fingernails and I'm just just dirty, and I was like, I might have let him go back, but after I seeing them dirty ass fingernails, I was like, what you need to do is go get your nails clipped first and foremost.
And that was the end of that, that one moment that I like, finally had a moment with the guy I liked.
That is not how I expected that to go.
His fingernails dirty as hell, like you to really reach into those parts with those.
Kids, mina, go clip your nails and wash.
Your hands and circle back, baby. But yeah, I still liked him after that, though, I felt.
Like you liked him with his dirty nails, Yeah I did.
I did. He did come back and with his nails clean the next day, though, entry and cut him, so at least he took the message.
It was the effort for me.
Yes, that's what's up. That's what's up. Fuck him. Let's move on to karaoke before I'll go back in time. Look at these school board and see who I gotta fight.
Let's talk about sex, babe me. Let's talk about you and me. Let's talk about all the good things and the bad things that made me. Let's talk about sex. Let's talk about sex.
But we're talking about sex with our kids because we was kids. We was kids, and I'm going to talk about having conversations with our sons.
To talk seriously, how to talk seriously because we're getting to that point, yes, with our.
Boys about sex and sexuality. So stay tuned.
We're going to pay some bills and come back chet out my stomach, but not when it comes to this topic, floored. We talk about sex a lot on this show, but god damn Yeah.
The reason why we thought this was important to talk about is because I proposed this question to Trible downstairs. Jesse and I think we're probably going to do a devoused man Cave episode on it because we actually had a full conversation. But as a young adolescent, pre adolescent male, when you're growing up and a lot of my friends have the same instances that I've had, where you're with a young lady and she says no or stop or don't, and then when you don't, then it's like, oh, you
was lame. You didn't try hard enough. Like I was called lame a bunch of times in middle school and in high school. And I was called lame because my father and my uncle. My uncle was a detective. My father they both always had, you know, always good with women. Both said Listen, if a woman not only says no or says stop, but you can feel in her presence, in her body that she's not comfortable or doesn't want
you to continue, you automatically stop. It doesn't matter with you trying to figure out how what the stop means, what kind of no is it. It was always just say no. And I feel like I was able to avoid a lot of issues because of that, because you see a lot of issues happen now with he says she said or she said no, but she didn't really mean knowing women saying I did say no, but I did ask her, I said, how does how would you
tell your son to navigate that? Considering the fact that a young lady said stop, and then you did stop, and then you will call Laine because of it, Like, does that mean the next time you keep going? And then what triple set was She would tell young men that if a young lady is saying no, but she means yes, she's not mature enough to consent to any sexual activity anyway. It's interesting, which is great. And I said, that's a great thing to think about because I never
thought about saying it that way. Well, I never thought about articulating it that way to a young.
Man, meaning the woman's emotional maturity or just maturity in general, just because to be able to even decipher what she wants in that moment right now.
Like my father and my uncle just said, the no is no when you feel like it's a no, it's just no. They never explain to me why I should stop. It was just no, because no is no, right, That's that's it no means.
But I think, if I'm being honest, I think that that's aerring on the side of caution. And I can see why they would say that to avoid you having any.
Doubt of he said.
She said, It's like, then what remove yourself from the situation or what would what's the next step in something like that, for example, Well, if a girl says no and you say no, and then it's awkward after that, Like it's.
Always it's always. Well, my experience was it always happened like it was at a dance, or we'd be in school, or we'd be somewhere. For example, you know, a girl come get you out of the classroom, and she knock on the door. She got to pass and she come outside. So then you come outside the classroom and then y'all go on the staircase, and now y'all kiss and finaling, and you put your hand somewhere, and then it's just like, okay, stop, so then you stop and then you know, okay, let's
go back to class. So we go back to class. And then later on in the day, your boys said, yo, you mad, whack, you lame, you corny. I'm like, why, it's because you didn't do excellent. I'm like, she says stop. And then it gets back to me that she told her friends that I was laying I wouldn't do X y Z like, but she said stop. So for me, it was confusing, But I was always going to error on the side of caution because of what my uncle
and my dad said. But what I'm what I like now is you know how they say when you learn more, when you learn better, you do better. Right, Understanding the why is now more important. No means no is a great statement, but why there's no mean no. Why no means no is because if a woman says yes, and then well, if a woman says no but she means yes, even if she says no, that means she's not emotionally or intellectually mature enough to understand what the type of
consent is needed to participate in that activity. If you explain it to boys that way, then it's like oh, because then the whole idea of well, no may sometimes mean yes is now void because you made it clear to them no can never mean yes because if no is supposed to mean yes, that means that she's not
mature enough to actually give you a yes. It's the same thing with alcohol, right If a woman doesn't say no, but she's under the influence, she can't be held with the responsibility of being accountable because she was under the influence. Once a woman already says no, it's kind of like she's under the influence of her own immaturity and can't
even consent because she's too immature to consent. That opened up my mind as a way to explain it to Jackson, because I felt like, I felt like, dang, like this isn't fair to me as a young boy. I felt like I used to get clown and kid on all the time because I wasn't willing to push to get it,
you know what I'm saying. And then I asked her, well, and I wanted to ask you while we have this conversation, why do young ladies Because I know what I've we had this conversation, so I know where I'm going to come up with. Why do you think so many young ladies do the no or the choy stop when they really mean yes? Why do you think that's something that happens?
I mean, I thought from my experience, because I've definitely been in those situations where I would say, thankfully, I was fortunate enough to not be in situations where I felt super uncomfortable and had to, you know, fight for
my life almost in situations like that. I think in part it was probably my nice, sheltered background where I can go no where anywhay but in the moments that I did try to get out there and explore, because typically this is the age range where kids are starting to explore, explore, you know, the the hormones are revving up and all that is happening all at once, and
it can be very very confusing. For me, there was always and this is personally so I'm not sure if anyone else feels this way as a but for me, there was always a standard to be upheld where the expectation was that I did not want to disappoint myself disappoint my family. So it was a way of trying to find out that way I can toll the line between experimenting and figuring out things and you know, having moments with the guy I liked at the time, but also to not going far enough where I would have
moments of regret. And I think that's ultimately what tends to happen even with women who I've spoken to, a young women who I've spoken to who are younger than me that I try to help navigate and mentor through life in general, when they have these moments, there's sometimes buyers remorse, There's moments where you're like, man, I really in the moment, it felt like the right thing, and then after the fact, when you think about it or it settles in, you're just like, damn, I maybe shouldn't
have done that. So I think that may be what a large overarching issue is for some women when it comes to that. It's like, in that moment, it may feel good again, it may be the environment, it may be you had a drink, it may be any of those things, and it's like, you really like this guy,
or you really like the moment. So it's like, Okay, I want to try something, But then your mind is essentially taking over and you're just debating all the things that could potentially go wrong in this moment where I really want to do this. I could possibly get pregnant, Oh my god, my parents find out, or whatever the case may be. There's just so many things that go on in the mind that I think that is the reason why some women in those situations may feel a bit conflicted or confused.
You know that that makes sense. It actually goes in the line in alignment with what I was thinking. When I was growing up, me and my cousin Porsche were very close, and I remember the differences in conversations. Right, Porscha is one year younger than me, and for me, I think it's unfair for both young men and young women. Right for us to tell our young men to go explore and protect yourself, protect yourself, be safe, respect women, Right,
that's what people do. Always respect the women, but protect yourself, be safe. Then they'll have fun. Right. But then when this young women is don't have sex to your forty, don't talk to me about sex, don't think about sex, and then you get stagmatized and you get labeled if you have sex.
So there's a shame around it for sure.
So my thing is if we have and this is just for heterosexual couples. So I'm giving an example. You have a group of people telling boys to go out have sex, have fun, or protect women, but then we're telling young women don't have sex. You're going to be shunned. How are they supposed to know how to interact with each other.
Going into it? Yes, men are like going to be free.
I can do this and I can't.
I can't.
You know what I'm saying. And I feel like it's unfair that we don't have these conversations with young ladies. So that they know how to navigate these situations. Right, Trible and I were talking, and Triple doesn't have kids. But Trible is a young lady and she grew up a young lady. And what she said was, well, what we what we deduce is that young men typically commit sexual assaults or feel uneasy around women when they don't have confidence about themselves or about what it is to
be with a woman in that way. Right, So what do they do? They behave poorly because they don't know how to act. There's an immaturity young women. We don't have the conversations with them. So what do they do? They behave immaturely and they don't know how to consent. So you have one group here who we have conversations with about go have sex, but we don't speak to them about how to respect women. Then we have a group over here who we don't talk to with sex
at all. Then you have young people trying to experiment, and bad things happen. I think that we as a community of people are doing our children a disservice, yes, by not speaking openly to both parties about what sex looks like. And we have to stop stigmatizing it so that men can feel more comfortable with showing their sexual nature, and women can feel more comfortable expressing that they have sexual needs and desires.
As well, and early on as twelve as twelve two? Right, how do you happened?
Twelve and thirteen year old girl going through hormones, going through puberty, getting boobs, getting attention from guys to ignore all of your sexual desires until you get married at forty Like, how do we tell women that?
Yeah, the complete avoidance of the topic to me is astounding, and I look at how the parenting, you know, approach has changed a lot, even just in speaking to a friends of mine who have children that are a bit older than mine, and the approach is so different. I'm one of my friends has four daughters and she's just like, from as early as I can remember, I've been having this conversation with the girls about it, and to this day, you know, to her knowledge, at least you know her daughters.
You are aware of what's going on.
I don't know who's having sex from who's not, but in the event that they were, or one decided like I have a boyfriend, now this is something I may
be exploring. She was almost in tears at the fact that she was able to come to her and ask her about it and say, well, like, I'm like this with such and such like I'm confused, And for her, I said, that was a major win as a mom, because your teenage daughter felt comfortable enough to come to you and say, Mom, I'm feeling these things and I'm confused.
What should I do?
But that is a testimony to the fact that she has always had open dialogue and conversation with them about it early and it wasn't from a place of fear per se, but it was a place of fact. When we're speaking to our children, particularly middle school children, we have to speak to them without the fear being instilled
in them. But instead of presenting facts, presenting statistics, presenting images, I mean, she says, she pulled up all every std you could think of and just show what it did to the genitalia for men and women, and those things were again just stating the facts of what can happen if you were to engage in any kind of sexual activity. And sexual activity there's a broad scope of what it
looks like for heterosexual couples. For couples who are heterosexual, I mean, you know, some people think it's not sex if it's oral, you know, and then not sex if it's anal you know. There's so many different mindset surround it, and people skew it sometimes to their advantage. But I think us as parents, which and I joke, you know, about not wanting my children to grow up. Of course that it's inevitable, but I prefer to take the approach
where they feel comfortable, whether mom or dad. Us having four boys, you know, I can see how they can think, you know, maybe I don't want to talk to mom about this, but I am hoping that I'm establishing open lines of communication, the no boundaries where they feel like they can talk to me and maybe get a woman's perspective when needed, because that's essential for boys too as well, so to have a women's perspective, and I just hope that I can be that for them when the time comes.
And of course the conversations happen in appropriately as they get older, but middle school is usually where it starts. So that's why we were important to speak about it with Jackson going into the seventh grade. You know, kids become more independent and more curious, yeah, but influenced by peers. We got the note home about sex ed right, you know.
So I think one of the biggest things still plaguing our culture, especially in America, is rape culture. Right like other countries and other contents don't have the same exact don't have the same ideals as we have. You know, some places sex isn't as taboo. You know, you go different places in Europe and people walk around topless and it's not that big a deal. But also rape doesn't happen as often asn't happen as in America, and we talk about rape being more of a power thing and
not a sexual thing. But I think that we can start to eliminate rape culture by educating people at younger ages, you know. And also we can stop and eliminate rape culture by not stigmatizing young women for wanting to engage in sexual activity, but then also not championing boys to engage in sexual activity. And in a way, because this is what rape culture is. Rape culture is the idea that women don't know what they want and it's a man's idea to show her what she wants, because that's really
what the idea is. Oh, if she said no, she she'll say no. Till she say yes, like she doesn't know what she wants. That's how rape culture really started. And then what adds to rape culture is not talking to women about sex, so they really don't know what they want. So now they're a young woman having these feelings and they're engaged with a young man, and this young man has been told like, tell her what she
wants because she or show her. And then this young woman's like, well, no one's ever talked to me, so I guess this is what it is. And I feel like we can eliminate that by starting at a younger age. And we have some facts and stats here. Yes, more than twenty percent of adults in the US say they are not planning to have a conversation about the birds
and the bees with their kids. New research says. A recent survey revealed that sixty percent of American parents were raised thinking sex was taboo, which may affect how they approach the subject with their children. Indeed, most females will start puberty when they're eight to thirteen years old, and most males will start between nine and fourteen, but it
can also be normal to start earlier or later. Among fifteen to seventeen year olds, sixty nine percent of boys and seventy two percent of girls have never had sexual intercourse.
That's higher than I thought the percentage.
I don't know who they asking or they asking. Niggas's lying.
She thought it was going to be the other way around.
I thought they were going to say sixty nine percent of boys and seventy percent are having sex.
Not I think this is fake. I think they asked the young people who were just like, I'm not I'm minting to you. Yeah, no, no, no, I'm a brogia in fact, because if my parents were asked me if I when I was sixteen and seventeen, I definitely would have lied.
I'm not telling the absolutely.
Research shows the average age children are now exposed to pornography.
It's thirteen thirteen.
And this is what I'm than thinking about how accessible it is nowadays.
Lord, this is why. And I want to get into how we plan on talking to our boys.
About before we do that. How were you taught about sex?
How was who taught about sex?
How were you taught?
Who was taught about sex you?
How were you taught about sex?
Who was taught about sex? That's my point? Oh you know how my father taught me about sex and I had a great dad.
Yeah.
One morning I was in his room, I was sixteen. I was getting all my stuff out of his room. I was getting my socks because we all did laundry together, get my five dollars for lunch, and he goes, yo. So yeah, he said, you know I got comments in my bottom drawer, right, I said, yeah, right there about the socks. He said, Okay. That was the only conversation my father had with me about sex. Really, yes, And then my brother had a baby two years later.
Wow.
So I guess he expected me to tell Brian about the condomy because he clearly didn't tell Brian.
I know, I know, but it just I was similar, Well that's similar, but it was just awkward. My mom was very vocal with me about like, my body so changes. So she got me this book that talked about, you know, the woman's body and what to expect when you become a woman having your periods.
So I was very prepared for that.
She even had a little kit that she put together for me with like change of under where pad wipes this that they had all.
That I was walking around.
Yeah, so she was like that, I think and I think for her it was just like, this is my daughter, my first daughter. I wanted to be prepared and never be caught out there embarrassed, right because for her, she said, growing up in Jamaica, it was an embarrassing thing if anybody ever knew. Like she was like, if you have your period, you never let anyone know. You know, it's a private thing.
You have your little pouch or your bathroom, take yourself and stuff like that.
The sex part left a bit to be imagined. Okay, there was a book and again it came with another book, and it was kind of.
Just like, here's this book. Take a look.
See, let me know if you have any questions. Meanwhile, I took the book, then took it to school and then showed my friends, and then it became the topic of discussion with the friends and then we're all comparing notes about what we've learned at some point, which essentially, you know, there was two kids who got expelled from our school for having sex in the.
Bathroom in eighth grade. You know, like that's the kind of stuff I married. They are they are married to this day, so I it works biblical times.
They could have been married at fourteen because that's the early day was so they do nothing wrong. That's how I looked at it, begging it's the funny part.
I could have expected that, but shout out to them for still be together.
This is how men typically talk to other men when it comes to sex. Right, you heard what my father said. My uncle goes, it's me and my brother, right, and my cousin Porsche that is his daughter. She he's just like your porscha, Yo, go go another room talking to your cousins. She's like all got like she mad like all got a way I talk about Right. So I'm in high school. Brian's in I think ninth grade. He
in high school too. My uncle goes, Yo, when it rains, make sure you have your rain boots, that's what he said. And I was just like your rain bowts. She said, you feel me? Do you feel me? When it rains, make sure you have your rain boots on. And I was like I knew what he was saying. So I was just like, I got your guy. He's like, you got me. He's like Brian, and Brian's like, yeah, yeah, yeah,
I got you. Like it was reading it no, because because also it's not just it's just awkward and embarrassing for parents. It's also awkward and embarrassing because I asked Jackson, and any girls in your school? I'm like, Yo, why are you acting like that? I'm asking a question, right, ain't nobody? No dad? Come on yo, chill, chill, all right, bro, Like, I won't bring it up and thank you, I said, until I'm ready to talk about it, which is gonna happen real sy real soon. He's like, oh, God, should
just just be prepared. I'm going to talk to you about sex.
I am just like a little like we'll scroll past, you know, He'll be on YouTube, I'll be on Instagram and scrolling past and he'd be like, oh, mom, who's that. Like, I'm like, oh, recently it was what's her name?
Her?
Her, the singer her. Yeah, he was like, she's really pretty. I was like, she really is.
And he's just like, can't she looks so much pretty when she takes her glasses off to it her here's not her face. I was like, he be watching, but he saw a picture of her without it and he was like, she looks so pretty without it.
I'm like, yeah, we had, we've had, We've gotten to certain levels. Of talks like we haven't gotten into the penetration and orgasm and this type stuff of women and stuff and birds and the beest. But we got to the part of the conversation where it's just like, if there's a young lady that you like, there's a certain level of respect you have to have. And you know, he was just like, what do you mean. I was like, well, you see your mother. How about youat your mother? And
she's like, that's the queen, protect the queen. I see how open doors put out things. If there's anything your mom wants or needs, I got her, right, yeah, I said, but you also see me smack your mom on the ass, right, And he was just like yeah, I said, you know, before I could just do that, I had to get permission from your mom first. So when we started talking and we started dating, and first I didn't just walk up to her because I liked her and smacked her
on the ass. That's not how that works. We had a conversation, talked about the things we like with each other. We start to like each other, you always feel out and see if things are okay, and once she gives me the approval, then that becomes the norm. That's that's what becomes the norm. But it's not a thing where you can just ruam up here on and grab a woman's ass because you see your mom your dad do it. And he looked at me and say, okay, okay, And I thought that that was important because for.
Sure, that's where it starts, just having the own control over your body, giving him the autonomy over his body, knowing that she, whoever she is, has full autonomy over hers.
Well, that's actually a point I missed. Before we talked about sex, I talked to them about their private parts and about no one has the right to touch you down there, no one has the right to make you touch them down there. So we've had all of that
conversation about consent with them as children first. So the fact that they know that, I feel like it'll be easier for me to teach them, like, well, the same way you have rules about your body, women have rules about theirs, right, and you have to abide by the same rules that you require people to abide about your body.
So before we even talked about sex, I talked to them about that, Like when we used to bathe them and we had showers, it got to a certain point when the kids were like three, I told Cairo, I told Cassayo, I'm not washing you up no more. And then they watch it. That's your body. You have to take care of your body. I can't touch your privates. No one should touch your booty, No one should touch your boom boom your penis, nobody should touch that, No
one should touch your nipples. No one should be touching your body except you, not me, as your dad or your mom. And that's then now they you know, they got They get to point out I need privacy. I need privacy, you know what I'm saying. Like, they start to understand the privacy thing, which is crazy because they'll just walk in that back.
They don't walk into our unannounced. And I'm just like, listen, it was different when I was breastfeeding babies. Tity is flying everywhere. I'm like, now mom is getting snatched again. You don't need to walk up it. So do tell themselves several times, not until you get an answer. If you don't get an you're on the side of caution and don't come in period.
No, seriously, I told I told you you literally, I literally told Jackson two weeks ago. Remember he walked in the bathroom, I remember, and he just started talking to me. I said, bro, let me explain something to you. Okay, you are twelve. You are looking at your mother eye to eye, so you can see her. Right, you can see saying I can see her. I say, you walk in the bathroom one day, you may see something in parts of your mother you don't want to see it.
And that looked that you looking at her eye ain't gonna be the same no more. Bro. So he's like each other. God, I said, I'm just letting you know what happens, back what happens. And I make it very clear to my sons that you are my wife. And I also show them this is important that I think other people see. I show them how I treat other
women who are not my wife. Right, so they see how I interact with like Crystal or a trouble, or they notice who like I shake hands with, who I hug like every interaction or something that's a life lesson. I make sure I show to my son's that's the difference. The same way when you walk around with your shorts on and I'll tap jacksonmly watch this, watch this, and I'll go over there, and I'll just patch you on the butt real quick. I'll be like, come here and
give me a kiss. And I was like, see, that's your queen. You gotta make sure your queen knows that she looking good. And he'd be like, I get it, Dad, I get it. He'll roll his eyes, But I always want him to understand the difference of what love looks like, what physical touch looks like, what's appropriate when physical touch is appropriate for a woman in your life as opposed to an acquaintance, right, and.
Then just got to be a gentleman, you know, like they see like you know, if for example, who like Crystal. For example, when Crystal comes over to the house, we always make sure that you walk her to a car, just to make sure she gets there safely. You know, there's little things like that that I think, Now it's not a way of trying to micromanage woman, but it's more so just a way of making sure that you be a gentleman.
And that's important too.
And the bottom line is this is the way we want to be gentleman. Like there's also this whole thing about chivalry right in the world, and it's like what is required and you can't tell me what I'm supposed to do as a man. I am going to provide what I can and hopefully I find a peer or partner who appreciates what I offer and we can both
agree to that. I'm not arguing with people no more about if a man is supposed to open the door or because I had a woman telling me to open the door for a woman is a microaggression of what she said. It was a microaggression of misogyny because what I'm ultimately saying is that she isn't strong enough to open the door. I said, No, what I think is you're not smart enough to understand that I was opening the door for everyone. So what I'll do is I'll close the door back. But I was just trying to
be kind. I'm like, the way I'm trying to raise my boys is the way I want them to treat their women, and not the way. Yeah, they'll find somebody who appreciate it. Not the way that all men are supposed to treat all women. You figure I would work for you. I'm just telling you what works for me, all.
Right, Like I'm over there. That's how she goes That's.
Just how it is. But Also, this is important, and this is why I wanted to talk about this to these parents. Before I became an actual parent myself, I was a mentor over five hundred young men, mostly young men. About twenty percent of them were young women, No, fifty of them were young women. We also had to do
random social media checks. That was part of being in the program was that you had to forfeit your cell phone or your social media password to random checks, and I would go through the checks with the parents in the room. The stuff I've seen from these middle school kids, I couldn't see because if I saw and kept watching
it, it would be considered child pornography. These young people are because of snapchat and in fact that things disappear, and because of all of the hyper sexualization of things on social media and it not being like there's no TV or no censorship, so.
They get to see anything nothing related.
Yeah, So these kids were passing things back and forth to each other that their parents had no idea that their child wasn't involved in that. Had one parent tell me, I don't have to be here for social media check because my child doesn't have a cell phone, so they don't have a social media, I said, I'm glad you think that, because now I'm going to prove to you wrong. Do you know who your child's best friend is. Your child's best friend has a cell phone, so you know
what's on your child's best friend cell phone? Your child's social media I said, look open this up. Look whose picture that is? Look at the name. If some parents like I didn't even know you could have multiple social media's, yes, if you open up Instagram, you can have as many profiles as you want on that Instagram page. And what a lot of these kids are doing are They're sharing Instagram profiles with their friends on phone so that their
parents won't know. They also have different apps that hide social media apps, so you think it's a calculator, But if you put in a certain amount of buttons, it's a different side of the app and you get to see all of the wild shit these kids are doing, emulating the adults they see on social media and on television.
And the reason why in real life true. The reason why I say this is because if we as parents are going to be irresponsible and not speak to our kids about sex, we can't then expect our children to behave responsibly. For sure, in the world when it comes to sex.
For sure.
I am totally, totally an advocate for it. I just think it's also a generational thing like we now are just no one's doing that anymore where we're just not talking to our kids about it.
You mad, I got just stared at you and looked at you for a minute and the light was coming in.
Well, thank you? Who did the light today? Was that met?
God did the light?
God did?
God? You're so stupid you just look man, goodness, I'll be looking at you like that last episode. You got a nice little kissing session around the corner their.
We talk about self, you talk about kids sex.
But now you're over here, listen to y'all cut it out to get that focus. Focus. Damn, what's my thought? Let's go to the papers that trip have put together. This is the guy claim that I don't read it. Then you get a question over here and ask you something. Do you think it's helpful to tell to your children from certain representations of sexuality? No, they can't learn about all of it.
Certain what you mean certain representations?
Question that?
So okay? So the question is do you think it's helpful to shelter your kids from certain representations of sexuality. No, because you can't shelter them from the things that it's already out there in the world, right. I know the issue is, For example, there was a woman who went to the library in her son's school and there were books about homosexuality, and in one of the books it was a guy giving another guy oral in the book.
And her point is is like, I don't want my son to see any form of sexuality illustrated in a cartoon. I don't care if it was a young woman performing oral or a young man perform oral. And I do agree with that. I don't want my children to see images of sex without me being able to explain them what it is. Right, So I wouldn't shelter them from it, but I would have that conversation with them when the time is right. But to shelter the means is to
keep it away from them at all. I would not do that if they're going to find out about it anyway.
Jackson recently got a note home from school asking if he can or cannot participate in health class sexual education class at school. So I asked about of course, because you know, any time we comes to a decision when it comes to our children, we have to make sure that you know, both are consenting to whatever it is. So at first I was like, should we just not have him participate in the course and then we just
have our own conversation with him? And Deva was like, you know what, let him do the course, then he can come home with questions. And then they also gave us kind of like a backdrop of what would be discussed and in what fashion, so we felt comfortable enough to say, okay, let him participate in that, and then we have the follow up conversation when we come home.
So some people sometimes weary of like what exactly will be expressed in school environments and stuff, but never from a school of relying on school for anything.
Anyway, We homeschool with math and they do math every day in school.
Right, we literally have something for everything when it comes to schooling.
So so I have a question for you, Well, we kind of got this from your story, but when you were in middle school, did you feel pressure on your sexuality, like just on being sexual as a girl.
I don't think so, see at that time, and it could also be the environment that I was in, which was also kind of structured in a bit sheltered, so we try to get in our little It was.
A small group.
It was small knit, like the teachers knew all of us that maybe had twenty students in my class.
You know, I grew up with the same.
Kids from nursery school pretty much straight through eighth grade, so there was not a lot of pressure on that I.
Didn't need to have to your middle school.
In my middle school.
In my class, I want to say, maybe max twenty five kids, two eighth grades.
One there was two.
So that's fifty, yeah, fifty, and then.
There well, no, there was one. I'm sorry, there was one.
Twenty five you have seventh grade and sixth grade. It's the same thing. Seventy five kids.
Yeah, roughly.
You know how many kids was in my middle school over fifteen hundred. Yeah, And I think that's why you didn't feel the pressures that we felt as kids. Yes, going to a public school in the inner city. I definitely felt pressure.
Oh, I know you did, for sure, But yeah, I didn't necessarily feel that though I did start to at that point get to hear from friends. Like I said, it became a group activity. When I came in with the book about sex with everybody just like, oh, well, here's what I know. You know, so that you're comparing notes and at this point now I'm going to see, okay, what do I want to do to begin my exploration process. But for me, I think it was also like my mom didn't talk to me. My mom and dad didn't
talk to me about sex. But there was just this fear. There was this fear around conversation, Fear in disappointing my parents, Fear in doing I couldn't come home with no baby, fear in just her finding out that I was talking to Everything was rooted in fear at that point. And not to say my mother was big back wolf and she was, you know in my face, I don't do,
don't don't. It wasn't that it was just innate in me that I just never wanted to disappoint my family, And to me, I felt like if I aired on the side of not dealing with those things or not getting myself involved in those activities, then less serve a likelihood for me to get into any kind of problem.
High school was another story. High school I was outside.
Well high school, Yeah, you went to Mid with Mid with that four thousand.
That was culture shock then now, So I went from four hundred school that had four hundred kids more or less almost, but that.
Four hundred kids was from nursery.
To eighth grade, so middle classes were.
From seventy five kids to four.
Thousand kids in one school. And that's when I was like, oh okay, So the freedom became more of a thing for me. Oh you talked about getting the hall pass, because you've seen Homeboy come up with his hall past, and I got it. Go to the bathroom too. My bathroom break was spent in the stairwell making out like. Those were the times that I was like, oh okay, this is when the exploration got hot and heavy and I became sexually active in high school.
It started for you in high school because of the school you went too. It started in middle school with us.
It was the environment had so much to do with it.
It was the environment. But I remember it just being like it was the girls and then it was the guys, and it was just like a girl and the guy would get together and they would do stuff for something would happen. Then they would come back to the guy. The guy would come back to guds like, yo, we did this. The girl will go back to the girls say we did that, and then it was on the next couple who got pressure from both groups to like, y'all gotta do this, you know what I'm saying. It
was almost like the whole group. Both sides wanted other people to experiment, to see what it was like to come back before they got their turn. So the pressure came from yeah, we were the guinea pigs, but the pressure came from like everybody just not knowing but being
afraid to participate. So they were just like, let's watch them and see what happened, and then let's hear what they say happened, you know, And it goes from zero to one hundred quick, because it goes from a kiss, you know what I'm saying, Just a quick kiss, a pet That's how it starts in sixth grade, or they kissed to oh, they got the pass and they went into the hallway and they used tongue. Then it's they made out and I grabbed booze. Oh I put my hand in her pants. Oh, I jacked him off. Oh
I made him come. It goes from a kiss to I made him come. And that's all from six to seventh grade like that time, you know what I'm saying, And then it becomes this thing where all of these kids are in this school, thousand over a thousand kids in the school. They're all trying to figure out what this sex thing is. Most of the parents are not having this conversation, and middle school is where it starts
and then development happens. I remember girls coming in sixth grade looking like gum and then leaving looking like you. Eighth grade, they're like a stick of gum. It's like a stick of gum like in sixth grade, and then by eighth grade it's small way tits jeans and then young girls dressed for the attention that they're going to get from guys, you know what I'm saying, and guys not knowing how they realized, yeah.
I can fill these jeans out. Okay.
Once I got to seventh grade, that's when I seen how the the clothes changed. Sixth grade, it was like girls still wore washed, baggy jeans and they just kind of dressed like. Guys still had overalls and you couldn't really tell which guys with the girls. Got seventh grade, that's when crop tops started and they I remember, hooey, they had to make crop tops not lead Like, you couldn't wear crop tops to school anymore. You couldn't wear
spaghetti straps the school. The boys couldn't wear a tanks to schools like they had all of these rules now about the stuff that we all couldn't wear because.
Of the way people's bodies developed, bodies developing, right, you know see. And I was delayed in that too. When you think about you said that sixth seventh eighth grade people came into their own. I again, being sheltered in the school that went to eighth grade, I wore a uniform when I got to high school. I had no sense of style, fashion, nothing. I just I was in school in baggy clothes, like, not knowing what was going on.
I had just got embraced it.
I was like, man, I'm starting high school on the bottom end of the roller coaster. And then when I finally started to come into my own around the middle of sophomore year, I was like, oh, this is how the girls addressing.
So that's when I started to get my guess.
Jeans and my baby fat and my little boots, and I went from having a backpack to like a shoulder toe bag. And you know, so you start to adapt and you developing all those sense of style based off of what your friend was.
Oh my god, it was astounding because.
You just like a grown woman when I met you at eighteen, because the.
Point and stuff.
So I was like, okay, So now I was like, all right, this is what it means to have some sort of way to you know, come into my own when it came to like fashion sense and stuff, and then body started to body a little bit, and I was like.
Okay, be honest about this too. When we got to high school, my father said to me that there were condoms in the drug. No one talks to me about how to put a condom on. That's one of the most nerve racking things a young boy can do, right before having sexes, put a condom on. So you know what I did didn't put condoms on. And I had a couple of scares in high school because I didn't wear a condom. Wow. And that's another thing I don't want for my sons. I don't want my sons like
my cousin Kai. He's younger than me. He's twelve years younger than me. When he was in seventh grade, my brother and I. He was telling us about, you know, his friends and stuff, and he was just like, yeah, so was old got had here and they was doing this and doing that. And rather than be an older cousin and you know, do what to all, Yeah, go ahead and do that. I said, Oh, where are you you thinking about having sex? He was just like yeah, you know, you know, I do do my best, you know,
trying to He don't know, he's a kid. I said, let's got's go to the corner store. He was like, what do you mean, So come on, let's go to the corner store. It's me younger brother and God, and I'm grown at this point. I'm twenty something years old and he's fourteen, so I'm twenty six. So I'm like, go into the corner store and ask for condoms. Huh, go into the corner store and ask for condoms. So I watched him going there to the front and he
nervous because he's never done this before. But that's my point. That's the point when you're nervous and you've never done it, but you want to be in a don't have sex now, you're afraid, so you don't ask, so you go and you don't have. You don't have a condom, So I said, go ask for condoms. Tell him, you know, see what kind of condoms you want. So the guy looked at him, looked at me. He's like, what kind of condoms you want? He's like, oh, the purple ones.
I'm like.
The rough rise it was. It was a purple rough rider. So he got some purple rough riders. Right, So I said that boom, he comes back and he gets to the Lucy's. You get a loosey condoms. It's different than now you gotta buy packs. He bought because you could. You could buy a cigarette in the Yeah, in the corner store, in the corner store in Brooklyn, you can buy a pack of condoms. Or you can buy a loosey condom like you just let let me get one. You can do that every every place. I've got that
by the corner store. Day. Let me tell you something. Aout Brooklyn, you can get anything you want. In Brooklyn. You can buy one stick of gum that ass. You can buy one stick of gum. The corner store across the streets, and the corner store across the street from Dolo. You can go in there with a dime and be like, yo, let me get a juicy fruit, and they'll give you one stick of gum because money. Hell yeah, that's what
they think about. If a pack of gum costs twenty five cents, but you can sell the individuals and five of them in there for ten cents, you just doubled up. You made fifty cent per pack of gun. So they smart the condoms. So now he got the condom in his pocket. He's feeling like a you know, a tough guy. We go back to the house in the basement, A pull a lot of hair brush. I go put the condom on the hair brush. Huh, put the condom on
the hair brush. You were talking about having sex. You have to learn how to be smooth and comfortable doing this so that you don't shy away from doing it when it's time to do the deed. Bro all right, So he would you fucked it up a couple times, And I say, she would have been pregnant because that condom is coming off. You didn't pinch the tip, you didn't do nothing like you. There's certain things you have to do. So he was just like, all right. So I taught him and to this day, Kai never had
any kids. Thank God, you know what I'm saying. But I made him feel comfortable doing the things that's necessary for him to be safe. You know what I'm saying. And not for nothing. I know I have boys. If I had a girl, I would literally do the same thing. I'm not gonna be that type of dad that's going
to be like, my daughter's not having sex until she's forty. No, there's a good chance that if my daughter looks anything like my wife, and if she's built anything like my wife, somebody else's son gonna be knocking on this door the same way I was knocking on her parents' door. So listen, little kay Jr. This is you. You did You're having sex, You're interested in having sex. You know that not having sex? Shut up. Let's go to the corner store, go buy a condom.
Period.
And now I want to see you put a condom on the brush. And why would I do that? If a young man is nervous about putting on the condom, you know what would make him unnervous a pretty girl putting the condom on him. I'm just being honest. I was being honest the pretty girls like, don't worry about it. I got it and push the condom on. Now she's making sure that he's safe, but she's protecting herself as well. So yeah, you did do that to me twice and
then that shit finished early. Boy, she's nasty. Let me tell you something about us. The reason why we like having these conversations because we did not live this. We did not do this stuff. We had so many pitfalls and so many stuff that we was like, man, I wish my parents would have told me about this because I hated wearing a fucking rough ride of condoms and Kay hated the fact that I had the rough ride of condoms. And she was just like, man, this ship is fucking whack.
But it served this purpose for as long as.
It did them two times and.
Then I was like, I gotta get a red drunk this guy right here.
Before we were young. We was eighteen though, like we was. We was young babies.
He was young. And it's the sad thing is at Hofstra Dutch trees, that's all they had the rough rider columns with the ridges. Then the ridges like been making noise when they go in and out. The koochie.
Let's throw into these bills. Yeah, we'll be back, all right, y'all. We are back and we're gonna hit it with these listeners.
All right, y'all.
HIV and Kadeen recently found your podcast and I absolutely love it. I've quickly become a fan and enjoy each episode. I've joined the.
Patreon family as well.
Thank you.
It's so dope over here, y'all. If you haven't joined yet, you have to.
And I can't wait until to wait, And I can't wait until you all do your next set of live shows so I can see you all in person. We're already planning for our next round of live shows.
Twenty twenty four February.
Yes, Lily beyside with.
You be counting the cliff of Valentine's Day weekend maybe weekdays?
Fancy yall.
I've been dating my long distance boyfriend for seventeen months, almost one point five years. I'm twenty eight and he's twenty nine. We're in love and I planned to spend the rest of my life with him. He's definitely everything that I've prayed for. And more recently, I've decided I will move to the city he is currently living in, so we no longer have to be long distance. I'm already planning to get a place of my own so
that is close to him. A few days ago, he asked me to consider the idea of move moving in with him instead. I've always been hesitating on the idea of that because I never imagine living with or sharing a home with a man before he's my husband, and I never wanted to be in a place where I'm living with a man for years on end with no plan of ever getting married. He listed off some of the positives of living together and how we can build a life together by doing so, and now I'm considering it.
We were there, I asked him if we do this, how long would it be or how long will we be living together before we get married. I prefer no more than two years. He told me that the idea of marrying again is nice, but he has grown to be on the fence about it as he believes that there's no advantage to marriage for men. He also said, marry me require some planning, and he needs time before
he proposes. My question is should I move in with him without getting a definitive answer on when we will be married?
Uh huh?
Or should I stay in my own apartment and we move in together once we're married.
Loaded, very loaded question here he.
Gave her an answer. He said he's not interested in getting married again. He's on the fence about it, but he wants her to come in there and move in with him. You know what that means? He does not plan on getting married again.
He was married before.
Yeah, he said it right here. That miss that, But that again must means he was marrying See, she says, he told me that he had that. The idea of marrying again is nice, but he has grown to be on the fence about it, which he was probably married before. Possibly he doesn't want to be married again. Plus his ideas about marriage not being having value from.
Men, Right, it sounds like a man scorn to if he was married before, so that he was in a situation where he felt like he had no real advantage in that situation.
Right.
It depends on how you value marriage. First of all, this idea that marriage has no value for men. I understand that sentiment as a man, because, like we've talked about so many times in this podcast, in this day and age, if I want to marry you, I have to spend money to propose, spend money for an engagement.
Then spend money for a wedding and then be the sole person responsible to figure out how our life is going to live for the rest of our life because I have to protect and provide, right, what does a woman have to tangibly provide in order for all of that to happen. She just has to be there. So a lot of men feel like all of the onus on me is to create this life that we have. So if I don't really see value in being with someone else, what's the advantage of that for me in life?
That's how men feel based on the narrative that's being created.
Around marriage, around marriage.
Today and for me, when I said that this was us, she mentioned the benefits of living together ahead of time, which is funny because I feel like just recently we met someone who said that they were met everything was great until with her and her boyfriend. They had a relationship for house so many years they were together, and then when they finally moved in together after marriage, everything went to shit and it was the moving and living
with this person for two years. She said this was awful and wish she wished that she had moved in with him ahead of time, because it's a totally different beast, And there are advantages to living with somebody. If you're going to be now relocating to their town, right, you're saving money on rent financially, financially yeah, be able to make like a plan for how you want to spend life.
And that was something that was huge for us.
We always lived together, and part of me misses the fact that I didn't have a stent of just living on my own.
And I've said that before.
You have never lived on your.
Own, you know what I mean? They having my own place, I'd.
Have been in your spot the whole time you were.
Even from college days when I had my apartment on campus.
And I ain't gonna lie. I wish you had like a little loft apartment too. I can come there and just fuck your brains out in your loft apartment and.
Then you go back to your home and you know what happened.
You know what happened. I probably stayed the night anyway, got up and did stuff.
Just recently, they're not just recently, said tell another thing. I was telling somebody. I think I was just doing it.
When I was in Sweden with the Crew, I was like, listen, I would love to have a penthouse apartment somewhere I don't know, like Miami or something somewhere fly or the weather is great, it's going to be all white everywhere. No, my kids won't even know that this place exists. They'll just know that Mom went away for her retreat to her place, to her apartment. And then Daddy can come and pull up and invite me. You know, I'll fly you out. You got to fill it out though that too,
But I'll fly you. I buy a ticket, fly you out. You can meet me there.
You know what I'm saying.
We don't even have to fly together, no finish. We can get the effect that the affected me, that I'll be there. Then you meet me there and you pull up with flowers and all sorts of romantic shit, and I'll be there, decked out in my lingerie and whatnot.
And it can go down for a weekend. We can still make it happen.
We can. But you telling that stories the perfect example is why men feel like marriage is not fair for them.
I just want you cannot live out my fantasy though that I missed out.
All I'm saying is in your mind, it would be okay for you to have your own place with your own stuff, and the kids ain't there, and I gotta pay for it. But you get to go there and fly and doff. No, no, even if you don't, even if you pay for it. The idea is that you get to have all of that and your own stuff. But if I say I want my own apartment, hell no, you can.
Have your OARTMENTEO.
We're not talking about you. We're talking about what would be seen as accept Like if you said that, all the women would probably be like, yes, yes. But if the minute you say Deval has his own apartment in the city, women would then be like, no, why is he in his own apartment?
And starts exactly.
And that's why men feel like, what is the ad what what is the advantage of being married? If I'm responsible for giving you everything and proving to you everything that I am worthy of when you don't really bring anything. That's how men think when they think about marriage.
But you're not thinking of tangible things though, like what do you bring materialise as in terms of money. This that that they don't think about the companionship and the care of and that part you're thinking. You're talking about the tangible things that women bring because I don't think it's fair to say that women don't bring anything, because.
Then I'm not saying women relationship. I'm not saying women don't bring anything, because if I really believe that, I wouldn't be married. But what I'm saying is that what I'm saying is is that if you look at how marriage is designed in this country, we have to buy a ring to propose to you, We have to pay for an engagement party, we have like men have to then provide a wedding. Then men are responsible for the finances. If something goes bad in the house, they don't say
what's what's your wife doing? Is what is your husband doing? So for a man, it's like the way the way the narrative has changed, where women want all us independence and they want all their own stuff and they make all their own money. It's like, so if you want to make all your own money and you want to be by yourself, and you want to be an independent, strong woman that can do all these other things, but you still want me to use my money to propose to you, marry you provide a life for you. How
is that advantageous for me as a man? And that's what the narrative has become when the truth of the marriage is narrative. The truth of the matter is, that's not even what marriage is. Marriage is a combination of two people coming together to create a life for themselves. You make your own money, I make my own money. I still pay all the bills in the house. But you still provide a lot of things to me. When something wants to get brought or something like that, you
don't be like devol. Let me go into your stuff. You can pay for it on your own, and you buy me stuff. When the kids need stuff for planning for their school and they need planning for vacation, you pay for that. But the truth of the matter is, in this day and age, people aren't even having that conversation about what their marriage looks like. The conversation is always what is marriage in general look like? But no one person fits into a box of what marriage looks like. Generally.
It's always created between the two people. And I feel like if he had a better idea of what marriage was to him, he wouldn't make that statement about what is advantageous to men about marriage. You understand what I'm saying. And I feel like if she understood what marriage was about and knew what it was, she would start to understand that he's telling you how he feels about it.
Yeah, because I'm really looking at this question and listening together. Once we are married, I'm like girl, and it's going to be a resentment. It definitely will, especially if you're moving into it under those pretenses, whether you move in with him or move to his city. You know, then it's going to be like if things don't work out, or he doesn't want to be married, or you're just there in limbo and you can't put this time frame again, I know how it.
Put the time frame you can listen, It's.
Hard because you're gonna have to put him within these the context of this timeframe you made.
This is what This is what we need to stop doing. If she puts a time frame on her life on when she wants to get married, she's not saying that this is the time frame all women need to put on all of their lives for their marriage to work.
This is what she wants, it's her life. If that's what she requires in her life, she's entitled to say that the same way I've learned, Like with us when we were talking openly about the monogamy episode, and we talked about pressure, and we talked about what was right and what was wrong. Reading a lot of the comments, I've watched people say that they thought this was wrong, and they would give examples about their life. But then
I realized, we're not talking about your life. You can't give examples about why what Kay did was wrong, about what I did was wrong with examples in your life. We're talking about our life. If Kay says to me, Yo, I don't want to be engaged for two years, Kay is entitled to say that the same way. If Daval decides, Okay, if we getting married and we're doing all of this other stuff, I would like to have sex every day.
You can either say yes or no. But if that's what I require for my life, for us to be monogamous, can't nobody else tell me that what I require is too much for you because they don't want to do it. I'm not asking you. I'm asking her the same way she is not asking y'all husbands to marry y'all and to or she's asking me. You know what I'm saying, I get to do that.
No, I know that, and I agree with that. I was just saying, sometimes us as women get caught up on this timeline that's perfection that we think in her mind is like here's what the age I should be doing all these absolutely and then if you get a know or denial, it's like this it's my timeline.
So I can empathize with her in that.
Yeah, just like you know what, I understand, you have a time frame in your mind, but sometimes you need to sometimes be malleable and the timeline shifting a bit depending on how she can present.
The timeline, and it's up to him to take in her mind.
Like I don't think it should be in your mind.
I think she should present it and let him decide. Like, that's to me what's great about us. You can present it open, honestly and in real time, and it's up to me to decide if I want to meet that timeline or talk to you about how we can at least move it a little bit so it works for you and me. That to me is what makes marriage true. You know what I'm saying, Because I've.
Gotten all the cars out there.
That's it. Put it out there, tell me what you want.
You know, how many men I watched say I never do I could never do what the vow do, like she required too much, she need this, she need that, And it really made me realize, like, wow, a lot of men think that what you require is too much, but I don't mind providing it, So what I I would be fucked up if I was just like, well, they think you asking for too much, so I don't think I should give you that, even if I know I can give you that advice versa to GI yeah
and vice versa. Right, Like for me, it's I like hot cooked meals when I come home my wanma plate made. How many women told you don't make his plate and you were just like why would Well, I don't mind making this play.
I enjoy it, you know what I'm saying.
So it's like, imagine if you like, I'm not gonna make it play because they feel like you asking for too much. What we have to start doing as people is putting our needs and wants on the forefront to the person we want and being like, yo, this is what I want, it's what I need, Like what's up you with me?
And then being honest about the fact of whether you want to or not or not deliver on that.
Yeah.
A lot of times we'll be like, YEA, yeah, I think I could do that, and it's just like, damn, when is the bigger things?
A feelings changed and that and that to me is what the great The best answer for them too is for her, it's like, yo, sweetheart, tell him exactly what you want, telling what you require, what Jack Shacks has
walked in. Tell him what you want, telling what you require, allow him to tell you how he plans on making that work, whether it's in the timeframe you want or not, and then making a decision of whether or not you want to be patient about that, but also allow him to tell you what he requires and what he wants, and then be patient with him. You know what I'm saying.
I think that's fair.
That's how she should go about this.
I think that's fair.
Se see what you want and figure it out.
Good luck, sus. That was a good one.
Number two. Hey Kadeen and Davao or I see the GT massive. Yes, I love you one sisters as a team, and thank you so much. I've watched every episode.
So.
I'm twenty three years old and I'm from Guyana Nice. I'm a mother of one, and I'm a teacher. I was in a relationship with my child's father for three years. Throughout the relationship, we had financial issues and issues with infidelity. We ended up ending things last May. So I met someone else, total opposite, true sweetheart. But I'm having issues letting him in and just trusting him. Can you give me advice on how to move forward?
He can't pay for his mistakes, sys about it? Come on, just be open to it. Be open to it.
Why are we going to drag this guy who you said is someone else's complete opposite or true sweetheart, doing all the things, but he's going to have to suffer for someone else's mistakes. Isn't that a song Usher made? Usher has a song talking about paying for someone else's mistakes? But anyway, that's neither here nor there. But it's actually that's what I'm trying to say. You just can't do it like as simple as that. You have to give this man a chance to be who he is and
accept that. And I understand sometimes trauma leaves you a little guarded and it makes you feel like you don't want to show all your cards if you will, and after we just talked about showing all your cards, but also to I don't think.
It's fair to the person you're involved with.
Now I agree with you. I have nothing to add to that. Only thing I can say is trusting is a choice. You choose to trust someone you don't someone else. Something won't let me trust this person. You're making a choice to trust them or not. And if you don't trust them, you have to decipher why. If it's because of your own traumas, Like you say, you got to work on your own traumas so that you can choose
to trust trust someone. If you don't trust them because it's something they've done, then you need to choose whether or not you want to be with that person or not.
Do you think when you enter into a relationship you start with the trust here at the top, and then you then it'll dwiddle down depending on what transpires to remove that trust.
No, I think I think you're tru remains the same regardless because people need to have grace. People need to be given grace to make decisions and then to be told that the decision you made isn't in alignment with what I want from my life. Right, if we're just getting to know each other, say, we just started me and you dating, but we don't decide that we're going to be exclusive. We just dating, right, and I see you out with another guy. Do I then lose trusting
you if there's something we didn't discuss. No, okay, So now I say, listen, I want to be exclusive. You want to be exclusive? He goes, yeah, okay, cool, so we're not going to date other people? All right, we're not dating other people? Cool? Are we exclusive? I would say we're exclusive. We're still figuring out, but we're choosing not to date other people. Then I see your phone and you have text message from another man. Then I'm like, dang, I didn't say that we I said we weren't dating.
I didn't say we weren't entertaining other people. My point is there's a timeframe in life where you have to go through things to figure out if you guys are on alignment on things, and your trust can't waiver while you're going through that process. You can't just automatically start trusting because someone doesn't move perfectly the way you want them to move. You have to take time to figure out if this person is worth going through that phade,
that dance of back and forth. If this is what we want to do and what we don't want to do, and I think trust stays there until you just say you know what. I just I want to trust no more. And once I don't want to trust this person, why we entertain him unless it's just a play thing. I don't trust you, but we bone and I enjoy that, So let's do that. But I don't trust you. You know what I'm saying that in their relationships like that, it's transactional.
Yeah, we know what it is. If we know what it is, I know what I wet myself into. There you go, All right, y'all.
If you want to refeatures as a listener letter, be sure to email us at the ass Advice at gmail dot com.
I don't know why that stumble me up.
That's right, that's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right, time for my own the truth.
We're talking you go, first sex, middle school, all that stuff. I guess I'm my moment of truth with all being said about our sexual experiences, our children's future sexual experiences.
Lord help us.
I've I've said you kind of twitch when you started saying that, Yeah, I.
Think my moment of truth ultimately is just making sure that everything that we speak to our children about is coded in facts and not fear. It's coded in love and not in love and not jaded experiences of the
way we've existed. And it's also just learning to as parents, know our children, know our history and where we've come from in terms of our relationship with our parents, and seeing how that was a detriment to us, and then kind of trying to change the approach when it comes to our children so their outcomes don't have to be the same as ours. I think that's ultimately all we ever want is parents right for our kids to be and do better.
So I like that I'll make sure that that you speak to them in facts are not fear. My moment of truth is this, Let's protect our youth by providing them with education. Let's stop stigmatizing and shaming young women for having the same sexual urges that we all have. You know, Let's stop doing that to young ladies so that they can own their sexualities and be comfortable having these conversations with the young men or young women that they want to share with and not have to feel
guarded and scared. Let's protect our young men by teaching them to have empathy for what young women go through Number one. But also let's give them the confidence to walk with well, let's give them the strength to walk with confidence through their sexuality so that they don't have to prey on people and they don't have to use their powers, you know, because they don't feel comfortable in
their manhood. So let's protect our young men and our young women by providing them with that knowledge that they can be comfortable walking and comfortence.
Yeah, and supporting them through the exploration process while they figure out who they like what they like, because we know that there's no cookie cutter way to do absolutely, So yeah, I feel like being the safe haven for our children to say, all right, maybe this is going against the green or the norm or what you guys expected, but receiving it with love and then moving forward from there.
So yeah, I agree with you.
All right, y'all. I closed out my run of show I Got You, I Got You.
Maybe I got you because you know you, you didn't want to look at the run of.
The show today, so I should have it.
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And Now, you know that they sell lucy condoms in the store.
I don't know they do anymore because this was back in Oh, this was about ten years ago. I don't know what the world looking like now. I haven't brought a condom in god knows how long. I mean, y'all know, at least at least for at least for at least for a time.
Then I'll see you next time.
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