The Art of King Making

Dead as. Hey, I'm Cadine and where the ellises. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead

as is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. Give us a good story makes good. Got I got a good I got a great, great story, right, It's a story of accountability when a young black father from Brooklyn had to realize that all of his sons

are not going to be athletes. Talking about myself, ladies, gentlemen, I'm said father, So as you guys know, I have four whole boys. Jackson Cairo has the coda. Jackson came out swag savage. How much more more can I say? Dude, play football with the starting quarterback, let the team in touch downs, now plays basketball. He's a little bit of a beast, loves rap music. You know, he's just he's just he's that kid, you know, perhaps because he was

born in Brooklyn. Absolutely absolutely. Then Cairo followed up adores Jackson. So everything Jackson does, Cairo's purpose in life is to do it better. Jackson's into sports, so Cairo's into sports. It's like, yeah, it's not even keeps talking about is the daddy said I got taller than yesterday. I'd be like, yeah, yeah, bro,

yeah you definitely got taller than yesterday. Then alone came cast Kas literally said a little stupid ass bitch, ain't no. Literally, it's just like I don't want to do anything my brothers want to do right, and they'll run outside, they'll get their basketballs, they'll do all this other stuff. And I always have this thing where I said, you know, where's your brothers and then like the outside they He'll go run outside and play with them for thirty minutes

and come inside. But Kas loves to paint. He's an artist. He loves to do stuff with his hands. And Kadina and I just recently went to an industry front of ours house and they have a huge house square feet I would say about seven thousands of square footage of the house is dedicated to art and black artists, beautiful

and amazing pieces. It was like a light bulb in my head, like wow, I was missing time with Cash, trying to force him to be with his brothers doing his things that his brothers wanted to do, and not paying attention to what may truly be his passion, and that's art. Let's see if you know this song, I know I can be what I want to be if I were to call in it, I be where I want to be. I know I can't. I know I can't be what I want to be if I work. If I work, I'll be where I want to be.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no, yes, yes, that's one of my favorite songs. All right, guys, we'll be back in a little bit after short break. I am a artist at heart. I can sketch, I can paint, I can draw. I was pleasantly surprised when you showed me in your basement when we first started dating. There was a painting of like a leopard on the wall, and you were like, yeah, I painted that. I was like, that's pretty impressive. I sent me over here in my stick figure game. It's

other than that. Don't ask me to draw nothing, you know. But it's funny because I was a makeup artists for years, so I guess there is some sort of creative artistry that goes along. Absolutely. Remember the sketch I sketched of view in college. Remember I was addicted to in college. As you can tell, I sketched the portrait. I am a dig where you're at. I am addictator. You know this mom of four boys that would be cute, That would be cute, A little like date night situation that

actually would be cute. So you could just be like a nude model. And I can sketch you that would be fancy. Talk about four plates. That's what you call addiction. Back story time, back the story time. So I was, you know, I've always been into art and stuff like that. And I remember my parents, Um, when I in in summertime, I used to go to my grandparents house. They used to take us to the boys and Girls club, but then they also uhould take me to the road Center.

And the road Center was a place where I can explore my artistic side. But I also remember being made fun of when I was a young kid, because you know how it is if you grow up in a black community, right, if you don't play sports, or if you don't rap, if you do anything outside of that, they call you soft, right, And I was called all sorts of names and stuff like that because, um, I was always into the drama club. Um, I used to dance,

I used to do art. So but I was the type of kid that would bust your ass in basketball and football and then go to the drama club. You know what I'm saying. But I also remember feeling as if I wanted my boys to have that masculine side of them and always be able to do sports, so that they could prove to people that they're not soft. And with outur boys, I noticed that I was not putting as much energy into kass artistic side as I

was the other two's athletics side. And I said to myself, you know I always make cats find his brothers, go find your let's go do that, but I never make them find him and say, yo, your brother is going to paint. Why don't you go paint with your brother? You know what I'm saying. He's playing with the play though, why don't you go do that? And I said, I said, you know what, that's messed up. You know that really

is messed up. It's funny you mentioned that because at first I was just like, oh, cas is a sagittarius. I mean that we just like to be alone sometimes, like we just like our independent time. And even when we were talking to um has his teacher in school, she would say, you know, I'm one cast to be a little bit more social. He kind of does things

off to the side by himself. And I was like, Sis, that's just how we are, Like, we'dn't always want to be messing with y'all, you know, Um, But it's interesting that you said that bringing the boys into meet cas where he is is a pretty I never thought of it that way, you know, I never thought of it that way. So that's interesting. I mean to implement that more.

I think it's also it's a it's uh, reinforcing a stereotype and bringing in a generational trauma that he can only exist in the space of excellence if he's involved in certain things like sports. You know what I'm saying, because every black child is not going to get into

sports or performance. Now, every black child don't tell jokes, every black childline funny, every black child, don't dance, every black child don't wrap or saying you know, so, um, percentage is it for the NFL like that, there's less than make it to the NFL, right, and and it's important that and this is even smaller for the NBA, just numbers wise, because more people play basketball and less

people will make it on NBA teams. So whereas an NFL team has fifty three people plus eight men on the roster, an NBA team has fifteen people on the roster. So and and more people are playing basketball and less of playing football because football is a violent sport. To double down on your storytime. This is another small storytime or moment that we had where you, in turn caught a little bit of a fault in the way you

dealt with the situation. Um, it's cats birthday party, right, so you know we're want to do something small and intimated. It's still COVID outside, and I'm thinking what can we do for CATS's party? And I'm just like Cats, what are we gonna we're gonna do? Oh, he's into painting and art and whatnot. So I find a local art studio and it's a private space where you can have a birthday party. So we literally got like our closest two friends that happened to have kids. We got mad kids.

So it's the birthday party, you know. Um, And at the birthday party, the kids are sitting down and they're painting Christmas trees or something because Cat his birthday is close to Christmas. It's the holiday season. And Um, you got up and left for the entire party and went with the dad's and went to gain some wings and had a drink. And you were gone, and I was there with the moms and we were overseeing the activity.

And you came back at the end of the party in time to sing Happy Birthday, and then you said to me, damn K I dropped the ball on that situation because had it been a sported birthday party or a basketball birthday party or something at sky Zone or something, I probably would have been there playing basketball with them or like making a game out of it. And because it was something that I wasn't particularly interested in that moment,

I just left. But of two hours and that was like a really teachable moment I think for us as parents and then for you as a dad, and for you to admit that man like I was really wrong in that circumstance. Yeah, I mean, I'm not gonna lie. Bro. Like the minute you have a son, you know, you know you're going to playing sports, the same way if you have a daughter. It's just like she's gonna do dance,

you know what I'm saying, or's gonna do pageants. Like we as parents have these ideas of what our children are going to be, right and for me, this being my third son, it's like I was used to the routine. Like I was so just like used to what it was going to be. But Kas wanted to have a paint party, and I'm just like what am I supposed to do at I'm not painting a Christmas tree? You see what I'm saying. But then I had to realize myself, like dang, if they were at hoop Land, I would

have been there. If they went to a trampoline park, I would have been there. And I had to realize, you know, like black excellence doesn't look like one thing. What if my son grows up to be bigger than Boskiot and his first memory is that my father wasn't at my fourth birthday party when I was painting trees, I would be heartbroken. You know what I'm saying. I

would I would be heartbroken. But also realizing that if you don't put your kids in situations to be successful and learn how to nurture their passions, how could they turn their passions into their paycheck? You know what I'm saying. If I just dismiss it as a hobby, it's not fair to him. You know what I'm saying, Cause I'm teaching all of my boys how to turn the things that they love and monetize it into their truth so

they can make money doing stuff they love. And even Jackson with coding, saying, we took him to take them to a colding class so we can learn how to monetize that. And it was just like, Dan Devil, you really dropped the ball on that you need to really focus on on making sure that Kas knows that you know there are ways that you can paint and be um example, read it. For example. One of my cousins

is a graphic designer. Oh yeah, phenomenal artists, right. He went to LaGuardia in Brooklyn School of the Arts and I went to college for graphic design and now he does graphic design and he can sketch and everything. And I'm like, wow, you know, like I really missed missed that opportunity. Yeah, and I mean there'll be ton more to um to to catch up on, but it's just

funny how that happened. And then we were exposed to all of the art in this this person's home and we were just so floored by how beautiful these pieces were. There were conversation pieces. I mean, we were just going to look at the house, but we ended up spending more time talking about and having discussions about art pieces. And that's something that I as a mom now looking

to take the children out to do different activities. That's something that I always used to do with Jackson and stuff free COVID was take him to a show or take him out to a museum or something. Um. I do want for our boys to be well rounded in that they're exposed to so many different things. That's one thing I admire about an aunt nuncle that I have down here in Georgia. They have three boys also, um, and she warned me, She's like, if you have one more, it is going to be a boy. I'm telling you.

She's a pediatrician and UM. But but her boys or their boys are just so like well rounded. Like they go to museums now as adults. Like that's cute little date nights for them with their girlfriends. Um. But they can still go to a Hawks game or something and still play basketball with us in the backyard when they

come by to visit. So Um, the well rounded nous that I is the approach that I think that we're taking as parents to make sure that our children are exposed to so many different things so that when we see their honing in on something in particular, then we can say, all right, this seems to be an interest, let's pour into that so that way they can be

the best at whatever that task is. I also had to learn about that being a teachable moment for me too, on the reverse side of things, whereas basketball wasn't necessarily my thing before, so instead of me I had to miss a couple of basketballs with Jackson, basketball games with Jackson, or practices because I was pregnant. But now I'm making a purpose to make sure if I'm available, someone can

watch the baby. I'm going to those basketball games and I'm sitting next to you asking like, so, what's this play? What exactly this traveling look like? You know, so in the event that you're not the game, I needed to help to screaming and coach him in a sense from the sidelines and be involved and have those conversations with

Jackson about what he's interested in. So, regardless of what the sport is, or regardless if it's our or whatever, I want to be able to be somewhat knowledgeable enough to have, you know, thoughtful conversations with them when they do come to me excited about whatever their activity is.

I just I feel like for us as parents, we have to create a space where our boys don't feel like They're going to lose their blackness for not engaging activities that traditionally black people often engaging because we heard that growing up. You know what I'm saying, You don't play basketball, you know what I'm saying, Like, you don't listen to Biggie and Tupac like you black, Like you listen to opera, you play the piano, you played the guitar,

Like why would you do that? You're black. I feel like we as a people tend to miss out on other opportunities because we only stay in the lane that we've had quote unquote success. And in that lane, you know, you you take a black kid to play tennis, or you take a black kid to play golf, and all of a sudden, they lose part of their blackness for sure. I think of going to this wedding that I went to once, and the first thing that I was hit with at the door was this black young man playing

a violin. He was playing an electric violin, and he was playing all the latest songs. He was playing hip hop, he was playing some wraps and reggae, and I was like, wow, that was my first time seeing a black man playing a violin. A young man too. He was maybe in his twenties, but just had a certain style about him and a certain flair. And when I found out after the fact how much he charged per event, I was like, Oh, you're taking a coin. This is a bag for you

because you're using that talent. And I'm thinking about how many black boys may have been made fun of violin, you know, So I'm just I got four boys. I'm like, I played the violin super cute. He had a whole little situation going on and it was really really dope to see. So and also I'm thinking about the fact that we are very purposeful with exposing our children. Like I said in my sound bite, two different professionals that we know who happened to be close friends or family

who are in different fields. So we have, for example, my brother's best friend san Jay brain surgeon, actual literal brain surgeon, who is like one of the top brain surgeons in Pennsylvania right now, that's something that you could do that. We have Cuticolta's godfather, Sean Freeman, who's going to be on a future episode with talking about finances, who's doing very well within his field, um the financial sales. Cairo's godfather, Steven, who played ten years in the NFL,

now works as an executive in the NFL office. His godfather, Marcel, was the CFO. He was the CFO of the City of Boston, Yes, the City of Boston. He was the CFO of the entire city. He worked directly under the governor for four years. Yeah, but also played basketball. Was a Divisional BASKETB player at Colgate. But basketball all was never Basketball to him was a means to an end, you know. He was always really good. Both of his children are academically advanced. Um his daughter goes to Lehigh.

His younger, his son Doocy, I think, just got a scholarship to Lehigh as well. But also it was getting offers from Duke and other uh other schools to play lacrosse, which is another interesting aspect that so many black athletes only head towards football or basketball, not realizing that the barrier of entry to gain an athletic scholarship is easier

in sports like golf, lacrosse, in tennis. You know. So having all of these boys and seeing them excel at different aspects of things in their life early made me realize that I have to open my mind up to what black excellence is going to look like for them, because it's not gonna look like what we expected. I remember, I remember being nine years old. We were coming down Rockway Parkway headed to the Pizza Hut to Crows from

Brookline Project. Remember this vividly, and I remember thinking to myself, I want to be rich. Do I want to singing dance like Michael Jackson or do I want to catch passes like Jerry Rice? And I remember thinking in my mind that those are my only two ways to get rich. I remember sitting out there, I was, It is vivid in my mind. I was looking out the back of my dad's cutlass. My brother was next to me, and my father was taking us to uh to the Pizza

Hu because my mom had just had my sister. We just moved to Canarsi, and I remember thinking, like them, if I'm gonna be rich, I'm gonna have to do one of those two things. At nine, that's because because that's all I saw at nine was the rich people

were in entertainment or athletics. And now at seven, I'm like, I want my sons to have a greater appreciation for life but also a broader spectrum of what wealth looks like to them and how they can attain it outside of these two options exactly, you know what I'm saying, Yeah, No, And I think it's great in that we are building a network of people around us where they would literally be exposed to so many different things where if we ever had to call on a resource for whatever reason,

that we'll be able to do that and do that confidently knowing that that person will be able to point them in the right direction, to be a resource of them, but also to letting them find their own way. Um. So I'm wondering where we're thinking, uh, the pressure of perfectionism, where that falls into this entire realm, because I think at some points they can do more harm than good, especially for Black people with the host of generational burdens

and and you know things that we're carrying. The idea of black excellence can be a trigger for the collective fear of failure. Um. But as parents, I think that we have to work hard to create an environment that allows us to you know, position our children to excel um in whatever way they can. And how do we pressure them, how do we encourage them to be excellent without the pressure, Well, This is the thing, right, especially

for young black kids. It's not just about being perfect at what you do, it's also being perfectly black at what you do. Right, So it's like, I can't only excel, but I have to excel. Why excelling through my blackness? You know what I'm saying, which is I think even Jackson he said something to me the other day. We were going to play basketball, and I was like, you gotta be tough. You know you can't. And when I was speaking about toughness, I was speaking about mental toughness,

mental fort to physically tough. Only people push you around. And He's just like, no, I'm tough right now because I'm from the hood, right, And I was just like, but even in his mind right, his blackness is partnered with the fact that he's from Brooklyn and that he's originally from the hood. And that's part of what he has to remind stuff. I get to be black because I have to say I'm from the hood. His brothers

never grew up living in Crown Heights. His brothers grew up living where we live now, in a twelve squirrel foot home. They're never going to be able to say that they came from the hood, So does that mean that they don't exist excellently in their blackness because they don't have the same struggle as other black people, you

know what I'm saying. And that's where I think the perfectionism comes from, because it's like, I have to be perfect in my craft, but then I have to be perfect for black people all the time because if I'm not perfect in my blackness, black people like to call other black people out for not exuding blackness enough. But then it's like, well, what does blackness look like to you? Does it have that we're using to this level of blackness that this person has? I see it with um.

I don't want to give. I don't want to give anybody. I don't want to say a name. But there's a celebrity couple that we grew up. A lot of people grew up idolizing, and they have adult kids now, and people always make fun about their kids or say about the kids that their kids are weird. You know, the kids are weird, you know what I'm saying. That's what happens when you don't raise your kids like their black kids.

And I'm saying to myself, we call their kids weird because they think freely and do what they want right with their parents support. But think about how like sick that is that we as a community will label another. And I'm talking about a family of kids who are very productive members of society, who are helping society, and what what we hear is they're weird because they don't exist in the blackness that we want them to exist in.

And and think about the pressure it takes for a kid nowadays too exist in that that excellence of blackness, especially with social media. Oh my god, you know, as a whole another layer two things that complicates it even more. Um. And then you have to deal with not only children who are just mean, but you have adults who are mean too, and adults who are are doubling down on children,

you know, to say, criticize them or to judge. Um. So yeah, that's interesting that you brought them up, because it's like, what exactly is that measure of the blackness that we're looking for that will equate to enough? And when this is the constant pressure for black children, black adults in general to always have to prove the level

of um blackness, not just to themselves but to their peers. Well, like you said, a lot of that pressure oftentime comes from parents, right, because I know, for example, I've put pressures on Jackson to be a certain way, not realizing that my ideas were very close minded, you know, early on in my parenting process, and as I got older, now you know, I I've realized that I'm I'm a little bit I'm allowed to be a little bit more free with my ideas of what I want from my children.

But I think it starts with the parents, right. If you put all these pressures on your sons or your daughters to be a certain way, right, they then carry those out into the world and they look for validation from their peers and from other people to feel as if they're making their parents proud because of all the

things that their parents have instilled in them. And that's difficult for anyone who is trying to exist in their own passion, because what if you're what if your passion doesn't exist in the realm of the traditional black activity, you know what I'm saying, Like you said, what if you love to play the violin and listen to opera? But now you know, I can't exist in this place because that place doesn't exist in traditional bla activity. So it's like, well, let me find something else and do

this on the side. Well, now you find something else to do, but you don't love it, you don't have a passion for it because you know you're not going to get the support from your community or maybe even your parents, and you'd be miserable doing something you don't want to do. Prime example with my my side of the family. I mean it's traditional I don't know if it's West Indian this, but it's like, you know, you gotta be a doctor, you gotta be a lawyer, you've

gotta be engineering. If you ain't one of them three things or a nurse four And if you're not one of those three things or four things, then your level of success is gone to ship because it's like, how dare you want to exist in the space where you're going to be potentially an artist or you're going to be a singer, Like even that's when singing is not even good enough in some some households, you know what I mean, Being an entertainer is not you know, looking

at what we do. It's funny because I um was browsing on you know, Instagram, the other day and I sometimes he comments, I sometimes don't. But I happened to catch one where someone said, um, if it was a picture with my dad or my dad was in a video with us, and he was like the person said, oh, does your dad now understand what you do? Is he like happy for you? And does he understand what you

do now? Because for a long time it was just like this apprehension, which I know it was coming from a place of love because he wanted me to be late and whatever I did, but he just wasn't sure about my path. So what he can only encourage me to do is what he knew. But now when I've made my own way and I'm successful at that, he's kind of like, oh, now I get it, you know.

And sometimes it just takes kind of breaking away from that improving um to your parents or to your family that this is my passion, this is what I want to do. Well, I'm glad that you brought that up because I actually have a new parenting tip that I've been implementing with the boys that I want to make public because it was a way for us to discuss finances but also encourage them in ways to teach them

to turn their passion into their paycheck. Right when it came time to talk about finances with Jackson, are oldest who's ten turning eleven, I decided I was going to give him a bank account so he could stop asking me for money, and I was going to not give him allowance because I don't believe that you should get allowance for doing things that you should naturally do as an adult. You wake up, you clean up after yourself,

you make up your bed, you clean your bathroom. That stuff you have to do to survive as and dou't. I'm not paying you that. But what I will do is pay you to do things that can become ultimately your paycheck. So, for example, you want to go to coding class. You go to coding class consistently and do well, and coding class, I'll pay you for that. You want to play basketball, you practice consistently and you excel at basketball, I'll pay you for that. You want to know why

you'll get paid to be a coder. You'll get paid to be a basketball player, and you get paid to practice at those things, but you will never get paid to make up your bed. So for me, I've decided to turn uh the children's activities into their allowance. So what happens is they'll learn how to enjoy the process of being great at something by getting paid for being consistent. It's incentivized because the only way you can get paid in life is you excel and create a service for

whatever that the passion is that you create. Right, So you have to create a need for your paintings if you're a painter, right, you have to create a need for your service as a basketball player, so all about the demand. So the only way you can create a need for something is to be so good at it that people want it. The only way you can become so good at something is by practicing the skill over and over and over again until you become a master.

Most of the time, for children, is difficult for them to enjoy the process of being a master at something because they're never incentivized to practice. They either want to play at the games or they want to do recitals. You know what I'm saying, Like, it's never a thing where I enjoy practice. So what I'm trying to teach my boys is enjoy the process. Because what I've learned about uh TV, what I've learned about film. When I've learned about basketball is that people don't pay you to perform.

People pay you to practice, so that when you do perform, you can be great at it, because practice is the hard part. And I was like, if you think about it that way and you apply that to your children,

you can create excellence in your children. And I think that because one of the questions we had here was like, how do we take their biggest interests that may be rooted in play, and how do you use that play activity to teach them about effort and excellence, Which brings me to thinking about the times that she was spoken to Jackson about um just even playing with this friend.

So for example, a friend comes by and there in the backyard and they're playing basketball, and they're playing and Jackson loses and you come back and you're like, yo, Jackson, why did you losing? And he's like, I wasn't even really playing like that. I was just I was just

shooting around. I wasn't really playing like that. And you're like, but you lost, though, Like, like, nobody in this house likes to lose it, and we're probably one of the most competitive households ever in life, so it doesn't matter if your friend comes by and you'll just shooting around. Even if you are just shooting around, you're gonna win

on that shooting around. So in that turn, it's us taking something that shouldn't be fun and then making sure that they're just excellent at whatever it is, absolutely due and putting effort into it, regardless of the situation. Absolutely it's creating a competitive mindset because the only way you can exist in this in this life. We live in a capitalist country right where you have to uh pretty

much earned resources to survive. So this whole idea of this utopia, you know, we play games just for fun, or we do things just for fun. No, that's not the way the world works. So if you begin to incentivive your your kids from early to to make excellence the standard. Right, once excellence becomes the standard for a child, excellence becomes a standard for them as an adult. And once you do anything excellently is that a word, excellently? Yes, that's what we do podcast when we wake up. Word.

Once you become excellent at doing anything, you can get paid for it. Right. The only reason why the young man at the wedding was getting paid to play the violin is because he was the dopest at playing the violin, because he practiced over and over and over again playing the violin. Then I'm sure finding a way to make these songs that are common top forty, you know, popular songs that people enjoy, then hearing it in that fashion,

which is compolutely different. I can't tell you how many people were asking him for business cards and his social handles so that way they could find him after listen, I've learned being a parent for the past ten years. If you can incentivize your kids and their passions, they will learn to turn their passions into their paycheck. And then when they turn eighteen two, they'll move out and you get your wife back, and then you'll be empty nested,

you see what I'm saying. So it's like you're teaching them how to be great at what they do, so they can exist in excellence, regardless of whether that excellence is a common black activity. Well, what about you as an adult? How are you inspired to be excellent the things you do? You know, there's there's there's one thing about myself right that I don't think anyone knows that I'm extremely self motivated to change the world, right and I just know that you can only change the world

through resources, through capital and through influence. And the only way you can gain resources, capital and in fluence is to work hard and be great at something. Right, you want to inspire people, You have to be great at something so that you can, Like the greatest compliment you can be told is that you inspired me to do something. Ever since I was young, I always knew that I existed in a place that was not going to be my existence for the rest of my life, which was Brooklyn. Right,

I wanted to do something bigger. I wanted to do something greater, and I wanted to help people, right I I personally want to be so rich and famous that if there's a family in anywhere that can't do something, I can give them the resources to do it. Like that's that's my motivation. I want to be able to if there's a young mom who can't afford something, or I can't get this, I can either put a call in to make sure that that gets taken care of,

or I can give them the resources myself. Because the the truth of the matter is is that the whole world is just arguing over distribution of resources, and everybody doesn't have the same access to get those resources as other people. I don't mean that they're less deserving, you know, but they don't have access to it, right. But there has to be a balance someone who sits in the middle,

who doesn't have anything else to gain from it. But to say, you know what, this just kind of isn't fair, Like can we just you know, and and in the world today everything is political. Well, if if we give it to this person, and we have to give it to that person, and if we getting it's like yo, no, no funk that this person in this moment right here

may need this. Okay, their hospital, but maybe a hundred thousand dollars right the hospital can't cover it because if they cover this person, they have to cover the next person. If they cover this's fine, I'll cover that person. You know what I'm saying. That's always been my motivation. I want to be able to help the underdog. And I know you can only do that with capital, with influence, and I want to be able to be so influential that I can help people. That's my motivation. Like, that's

that's just what it is. Look at you, so I love that your your reason for excellence or your desire for excellence is rooting and being what God loves is a cheerful giver, because that's why I think He always continues to bless you in abundance for that reason. That's the only reason why he blesses us. Because I need help doing this, and a lot of this comes from you. But if you think about it, feel you never Yeah, you've never once said I don't think we should give

or do this. You've opened up our house to so many children and so many people from our neighborhood when I was doing prototype, You've always been a cheerful giver as well. But I do believe that you have a fiduciery responsibility to give when you've received so much. I feel like God only gives an abundance to people knowing that those people's responsibility is to give to other people. Some people take advantage of that, you know, because everybody

is not in the same way. That's why of the world's wealth is controlled by one percent of the population. Something has to give, you know, and it's not always going to give. But if I could be the one person that you know does is different. I mean. Bill Gates is known for his philanthropy. Michael Jackson is known for his philanthropy. Like there's so many super wealthy people who you'd be like, he gave away half of his fortune five million dollars to organizations. Yes, because what is

this man going to do with dollars? Exactly? You know what I'm saying, enough materials stuff in the world for that. But what d you think that? Yeah? I think one part what fuels that in addition to wanting to always give and wanting to help, because that's always been in my nature. UM life is a pride thing, and it's a pride for UM, not even just for me, but just for my family. I think about where my mother

and father have come from. UM. I hear stories of you know, the hardships they've had to endore coming to America, UM when they did from Jamaica and Saint Vincus, respectively, And I think about the sacrifices that they've made. And I think about, you know, my mom talking about being locked out of her apartment and sleeping on the floor in the hallway of the apartment building that she lived in for some nights because that was just the card she was dealt UM all why she was trying to

work at Burger King and put herself through school. And there's so many things that my um my parents have done for me, my family, UM, and I feel like it's my responsibility to be excellent for them, to show them that everything that they've done is not in vain um, and to be able to then pay it forward to them too, not just to the general public, but to my family, to make sure that they're always going to

be okay. UM. That's a big big thing for me, especially being the oldest and my family as well, and then now being excellent as a mom and wanting my children to not just hear me talk about being excellent, but being an example of excellence for them to say, well, my mom actually did that. UM. That's something you kind of checked me on one day too. You're like, you can't just talk about doing things and expect for the

kids to just fall in line. You have to actually be that source of excellence for them to see and to emulate. UM. Because I kind of fall into some of my own bad habits sometimes that we're seeing some of our children like such and such. It's just like that because you do that and you can't tell him you want to correct it. And my answer is always like, well, I don't want him to do the stuff that I do. I want, but how is he going to know to be better if you can't show him you overcoming that

bad habit that you have. So UM, that's gonna be one of my major focuses. UM now that I feel like I can get my life back in order to think straight, I have my four boys. I'm not gonna be pregnant again. I'm gonna be in my sound and right mind to just kind of move forward in life, to be the most excellent version of cadem that I can be. UM, to make you proud, UM, to make my family proud and my kids, and that's all we can ask for. Let be doing a good job. Thank you, baby.

You two except for that left eyelash. Left eyelash ain't excellent right now, so you can get on my eyelash. You know it's the struggle because you're tired and you look have trying to put on an eyelash. Listen, guys, excellent next time, I'm gonna help you. Let you help me to be excellent in my eye lash of application. So let's take it a quick break, y'all, We're gonna get into some listen letters after we get into the hats alight, ll be back with listening to letters. Of course,

as you guys know, this is season seven. Whose favorite part of the show is this nosy deany mine. I'm gonna read the first one. Hey, y'all. First off, I love you guys, thank you, love you back, so boom. I've been dealing with an old head for person from New York. He's okay, soom old head for four years now, I'm twenty seven and he's and bridging the generational gap has been a struggle. Now, I will state that he's an amazing guy and definitely checks off a lot of

my boxes that I would want in a husband. But he's old, and forty five is not that old, but I guess in relation to Listen, I'm close to forty something, so I'm trying to hold on, trying to hold on um, but he's old and sometimes he can be really stuck in his ways. I try to introduce new things in our relationship, like bondage, sex clubs, trying to get spicy what's your name? And he usually shuts me down by saying that's weird. Millennial ship. I like that weird millennial ship.

But anyway you would trying to go to those sex club not a sex club, I don't know about all that. But or bondage, you don't have nobody tie you up the vow let me out if I ever try to tie this woman. The idea of it would be cute. Just don't try to tickle me. Don't try to tie me up and tickle me. Then we're gonna have we gonna fight. I'm into a couple of different kinks and he just can't seem to wrap his head around them.

I'm tired of the compromise being so one sided. It's like all the years past, he wants me to just be this nella ask girl taking care of his kids, and that's not me. When we first met, he would try a couple of small things, but that has dwindled down. Any suggestions on how I can get him to become or open minded. Thank you for your time and trying to help us to out super freak, super freak super um. Look man, Kay, and I was just talking about this man.

Thing is good to be forty five man, they stuck. You can't teach your old dogs more always than one and it couldn't be. It can be a positive in that someone who's in their forty like someone in that forty range. If you're dating and you're looking for someone in that forty range, it's kind of like good because it's like I know what I want, you know what you want. Either we're gonna get together or we're not. And it kind of eliminates a lot of that game, Yeah, chasing, playing,

trying to figure things out, period. But with this gap that y'all have right now, that's gonna be a little hard and you're not gonna be satisfied if you're having to always suppress those desires that you have for like the same old, same old. She did what most people do. He checks the boxes, and he checks the boxes. And that's when you go through life trying to check check boxes as opposed to doing what makes you happy, you're

gonna end up being miserable. We talked about that all of these boxes that he supposedly checked were boxes created as you were conditioned to believe that these are the things you want. Clearly those things you want if you're focused on this so and no one's checking all those boxes anyway, if they are set boxes. People aren't checking all of them. There's always gonna be something that I feel like I don't check all your boxes. I mean you check pretty much all of my box which pretty

much what boxing. Know you do you do box check. We'll have to think about that one. I mean, I don't want to put you on the spot, but what spot? What box I don't check? I'm talking about shifting in that like the day to day. Sometimes you may want something in that moment that you didn't know you wanted before. It's not like the boxes that are the be all that ends all. You check those boxes like yourself. That sounds like a deflection to me. You hand you're a provider,

you're funny, like those are the boxes that check. But sometimes there's things on a day to day basis that made me in that moment. You don't do like I don't know that. You don't leave me alone because you're trying to deflect. I didn't call into the listen to letters. I know you didn't. I'm just saying for me, I don't feel like I settled. I feel like I feel

like you check. You check all of my boxes. I feel like you check, but I don't think that there's some people who have that where someone's going to check all of their boxes all the time. That's the anomally that's but no, no, no, no, no no no, I think we're anomally. I don't think like we check each other's boxes. I don't. I don't think so. I think this is this is what I think. This is Seriously, this is what I think. Even even when it comes to just

marriage in general. Right, the vast majority or the vast narrative of of America right now is that black men don't want support protect black women. Right. That's what everything's going on, right. We don't love black women, we don't want black women. Right. Meanwhile, over eight of black men who are married and married to who right, Which means, once again, the loud minority is winning. See what I'm saying, The loud minority is winning. That's not that's not the truth.

That this is not real. The same thing goes for marriage. There are a lot of people who are married who found the person that checks all of their boxes. What happens is is when you're going through that box checking process, there are some ups and downs and some things that you have to figure out while checking the boxes. Just

like us. If you would have listened to everybody else, and if I would have listened to everybody else, I would have missed out on the person that checked on my boxes because I was listening to other people trying to check boxes for me. And and and the reason why I'm saying that is because there are there are people out there who can find someone who checks all of their boxes. If, like we talked about earlier, they fall in love with the process of finding out how

these boxes are supposed to be checked. You see what I'm saying. I see that, But do you not think that while those boxes may be checked in the moment, as things change, as things shift, that there may be a box that you're just like, maybe they don't fit in that box anymore, so now we have to kind of shift and find another box. I don't think that they're gonna tell you why you and I are do you my best friend? Right? My boxes may change, But

we talked about being of service to each other. Right When I say to you, babe, I need this, What is your first thing? Thought process? A way to get that and that's mine for you, right so, and that's my thing. When there's a box that you say that you want checked off. If it's within my power, I'm going to work my ass off. You know what I'm saying. But it's like you can't say tomorrow, and I do not want to nigger at six eight. I'm never going to be six eight. But you see what I'm saying,

so that I can never be then argument. But what I'm saying is when you're of service to someone, Oh, you go into a relationship looking to be of service, you see what boxes they need checked off, and you figure out that that's what I wanted. I want to check this person's boxes like that. That, to me is what marriage and relationships are about. I see the person boxes, I'm checking the motherfucker's myself. I'm not even waiting for her to check off the boxes for me. I'm gonna

do it. And you do. You've been doing the same thing for me now, first five years of marriage, we didn't give a shit about each other's boxes. I was focused on my own boxes. Yeah, I was checking my boxes over here, like I don't know what boxes he got, but and that's my parents. You see what I'm saying, Yes, thank you, And and this leaves me back to my message to her says you said, he checks off as many boxes as he can write. Those are boxes you

probably checked. If he's not willing to meet you and checking the rest of the boxes, maybe that's not the person you should spend the rest of your life with because that person is not willing to be of service to you. That's my that's my message, right, because he's not open, he doesn't seem to be open. So you know what I'm saying, Like anything bothers you that much, what you're gonna just suppress for the rest of your life when you want to be tied up and slapped

around or whatnot. You see what I'm saying. And this goes back to even the sex like that, yall. You know everybody want to be tied up and take it out. But this even goes back to the monogamy episode. Right, If he wants her to be monogamous to him and she says she requires certain things, you chose this woman to be your your partner, right, So if she's saying she she wants this, you're not even gonna try it.

You're just gonna shut it down. That's selfish as hell. Now, if she goes out and find someone else that wants to do that. You're gonna be mad. You could have been the person to do it, but you said no. And that's what being of services someone in a relationship is if it's within the realm of your physical capabilities to get it done and that comfort zone, yes, and be of service to your partner. Like that's all it is. Like there's no way around it, and we're around it.

And if you don't, don't be in a relationship. It's not really check number two number two. Hi, my name is Marjorie Moments. She gave us Marjorie Moment, major moment. That's really what her name is. Hi. My name is Marjorie Moment, thirty one year old mother of three from Philly. What up Philly? First, I want to start by saying you both are amazing. You're amazing, Marjorie. I admire your union and transparency, yellow motorate, motivating and funny a f

keep blazing, that's what we do. Got just blaze on my triceps. I spent a lot of time manifesting my business ideas. With the new year approaching, I began producing some business goals, needs, et cetera. To help with the creating with creating a plan to jump start. However, I feel stuck. I'm experiencing a bit of fear and anxiety, which stems from me feeling like there is no room for failure. I don't have the courage nor funds to fail. I'm struggling to be patient with myself as it gets

discouraging at times. The vision is clear, but grasping it doesn't seem feasible. What advice do you have with managing your current lifestyle while pursuing the lifestyle you desire. How do you overcome your fear and just get started? You just said it, just get started. You just it's there, Marjorie. You're pretty much talked yourself into answering your question. Yo, Marjorie, listened to listen to me right now. I had a plan for my family, had a plan for my family

from the very beginning. It got to a point when I retired from football, I had no clue how I was going to get to where I wanted to get to write. So I was like, you know, I need to start a business to give myself more capital, like we talked about earlier, more capital so I can take chances. Because I knew everything wasn't gonna go right to build, build something that my family can be proud of. First thing I did was sacrifice. I had Orange right Orange

Audie six, got rid of it. Coadina and I used to like to go on vacations the met Metro card Codina and I used to go on vacations for four years in a row. We didn't go on no vacations. There was no jewelry, there was no bags, There was no expensive cars, not expensive sneakers, no expensive clothes. We sacrificed so that we can live the way we want

to live. That's all. It takes having a dream, the mental fortitude to see it through, have a plan to know that there's going to be ups and downs, and also the patients to know that it's not going to happen overnight. We started this dream in two thousand and ten, two thousand and ten when I when I officially retired from the NFL, and we did not receive financial security

until about two thousand and fourteen. Yes, we're doing good and then now finally feeling like we have that autonomy over our life that we've always wanted um and still continuing to grow to create and build this legacy for our boys. Um that's extended past our generation. It's still something that we're working on. Two fourteen is on my thirtieth birthday. That's when I brought my black Audi A seven. So it was at that moment that I finally said,

ha ha, I can do something for myself. So it was four years from my official retirement that I did that, four years Marjorie that Codeine and I invested, and this is this was crazy because we were just talking about this the other day, right. I finally reached the point in my life where I can look at my wife and say, baby, I got it. Yes, if you don't want to wake up for the next six months, you want the hill and go on vacation, do that. I

got it. But for twenty years she and I have been together building this building, and tw years from eighteen. From eighteen, we've been building to get to this point. And that's what people don't see. They feel like it it's gonna happen in a year or two. You know, if I don't happen in eighteen into six months, nothing

turns around the I'm gonna stop. Eighteen years, Kadina and I have been talking about this and building the brakes, shipping shipping away and finally we got to this point now when two thousand nineteen where we were able to move to l A and kind of say, let's go to the next level, right right, And I think that's sparked it for us. It was taking that chance again now getting outside of that comfort zone that we were in, making ourselves a little bit more uncomfortable now, this time

not just with us but with kids. In told that definitely out of anxiety for me, because that was like, oh my god, what this is gonna look like us

having this new environment. But it required us getting uncomfortable in that situation to then propel us to the next level and also understanding that, um, you're not going to be comfortable and it's okay, it's okay during this process to feel unsure, you know what I'm saying, but also have the mental fortitude to keep going even when you feel on shore, because I don't want people to feel like you know, Devot was so confident he knew exactly he's going to do. It was mad days we did

not go. We're just like, what the hell is going on? Whatever? What is this trying to like reassess like, is this really my presfoss? Is this is really what I'm supposed to be doing because it shouldn't be this hard or it shouldn't take this long. Um, but you said it keep blazing to us. We're gonna tell you girl, key blazing. Keep it blazing. And if you like to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A d V

I C E at gmail dot com. You are a moment of truth time. Did you want to go first first? I'll go first. Check this out. It's going to be super profound, all right. Black excellence doesn't have a black face. Oh bars, you see that. Black excellence doesn't a case, which means you don't have to look a certain way, act a certain way, talk a certain way, be a

certain type of person to be considered black excellence. All you have to do is exist in excellence and whatever it is that's your life means to you, and just happen to be black in the process. I love that good stuff. Um. I think mine goes back to thinking about the kids, just because my mind is always on

the kids. I wear my Raising Voice shirt here. UM is that I want to encourage all parents to really pay attention to and consciously parent so that you are aware of where your children's strengths lie, their weaknesses lie, their interests lie, so that way you can then better be a conduit for them to get to that next level of whatever it is. UM. I think far too many times sometimes parents are kind of um living vicariously two children, and they're implementing their own ways um on

their children. And I think at the most what we should be doing is encouraging a sense of work ethic, a sense of discipline at the very least, so whatever it is that they decide to do, they'll be excellent at that. Yes, ma'am, all right, that was fine. I love you. I'm never gonna for good things and the handshakes excellence. That's a fact that. Yes, it's excellence, just expence, that's it. So be sure to follow us on social media. You'll dead asked the podcast on Instagram and I'm cadite,

I am and I am devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe, y'all. Yeah, M dead ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and Never Miss a Thing