Survivor’s Remorse

thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Do the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow talk to a whole new level. Dead ad starts right now. This is a two part story. Time Okay, takes me

back to two thousand and nine. Just got cut, Recession happens, moves back to brooklyn Um. I have a plethora of bills, bills that are not just mine, bills that are mine, yours, family members, friends, and I get cut from the NFL, and a large contingent of these people who I've been helping since I had made it to the NFL are nowhere to be found ghosts. And it's not because they didn't care. They didn't know how to help me in that moment. And for a lot of people, you don't

know how to help someone, you disappear. Fast forward to today. This is part of the story. Time. I'm in a better situation than I was in the NFL, and I'm not carrying everybody's bills. That's great. And here's a crazy part. You could help somebody a thousand times the first time you say no, it's as if you never said yes. Karaoke. It's dedicated to the people who who were there when I had nothing and when I was trying to grow.

I never could have made it without you. I would have lost it all never never, never, never never never never puld have made it that never puld have made But we're tired you whatever happened to that. I love that. People need to bring that back. And I was like, what a year old? Now every first morning, that's that's at least three years old. I think the first person I ever heard do it was all, what's the DJ that we rock with it? D nice? No, not D nice lights can do from Brooklyn. You know who I'm

talking about, Hodie big Reef. Big Reef. I think he was the first person. I'm pretty sure was the first person. He was the first person to make that read. He did that shout out to big read. You're doing well, big ups, big up. So we're gonna take a quick break to pay some bills and we'll come back and we'll elaborate on storytime. Sounds good, and we're back. I remember, Vivid lee h when we were in the apartment, like you said, back from the NFL stint, recouping from the wedding,

all that pregnant had Jackson. Just some of the days when I could see in your eyes and see on

your face such such conflict. And the conflict that I saw was you bearing the brunt of all of these financial responsibilities that you had that we're easier to carry, of course when you were in the NFL, but now we were back to square one with nothing um, so you were trying to bear that then also the sadness that you had in your eyes because you weren't in a position to help the people that you wanted to

help so desperately. Um, the anger behind losing all of the money that you lost in all of the resources trying to do the right things along the way, and then the disappointment when you had no one to lean

on to help you out of it. And I think that's what made it easier for me in that moment, as your wife now, to say, I need to do whatever it is possible to make sure that we can stay afloat, because I did not want you to feel like less than because you weren't able to sustain the bills or take care of the family the way you wanted to. And it was one of those things that I felt like didn't necessarily have to be spoken at the time, But I was angry and not at you.

I was angry for you because where were the people that were at the games and wanted tickets and all that when you were now at your worst and in their defense, you may not have divulged that to a lot of people either, just for for shape, for for feeling may be ashamed of the situation and stuff. Um, So they may not have seen that or felt that because you kind of kept it cool the entire time.

But I kind of felt like where was the thought Because you're always so thoughtful about people and anticipating people's needs that I felt like no one was necessarily considering how you might have felt in that moment, being released, retiring now to start from scratch, just having had, you know, a wedding and a baby and all that stuff on

the way. I think nobody foresaw that you might have needed that assistance, And for me, being you know, Mama Beayer and being wife who wants to protect you, wanted to kind of put this guard up moving forward and was like, listen, ship, maybe down now, but when things can ascend in the future, I'm gonna be very careful about who's around, and I'm going to be very mindful of who's coming back and people who surface from the

woodworks and stuff like that. All of a sudden, when things are on the up and up again, and then you're that's that that person is always a person that's called the bitch. When the wife decides that people are not going to take advantage of my husband anymore, that when people start to feel like who she thinks she is,

that's you know, and it's typically a family. And here's here's the truth Survivor's remorse, because the title of this episode of Survivor's Remorse, I just want to explain what survivor's remorse is, right, I've noticed in a lot of families, right, and survivor's remorse has nothing to do with athletics or entertainment or or anything. It's it's typically the one who is able to ascend from the trajectory that the family

was on and do more. Right. So, for example, I have college kids who are experiencing survivor's remorse and they haven't even made any money yet, right, And people don't realize if people think survivor's remorse is all about money or you gotta pay everything, you know. I have kids that I've mentored who were the first in their family, first generation to attend college, first generation to even graduate

high school. And the minute that they get there, I watched them feel ashamed that they're no longer in the same situation as the rest of their peers and their family, and almost like a sickness. Right. So it's like you you were able to get a scholarship and go off to college, but Now, when you're in college, you're rushing back home because you want to be amongst everybody, because you feel this sense of guilt like why am I the only one that was able to make it? Even

though you haven't made it yet. People start to feel survivor's remorse when they've ascend past what their family's trajectory originally was. And I watched everybody around you just maintain that same place, and then you do a little bit more. Those people typically have that guilt that like why am I the only one here? Usual in that celebratory moment too, it's just like, oh, people will see you go into and from school or whatever you like, okay, great, and

then they see you with your cap and gown. You're graduating, and this is whopla around whoever graduated? And then it's kind of like, oh, so this person is actually going to leave this playground for lack of a better word, of this area that we're in and now ascend to something else. Well, where does that come from? Where does that come from? That? You know, where I think survivors were morse comes from where people make you feel guilty

for doing well right. Don't forget the little people you know, they say, what's up Hollywood, like that's all of those things or shade people people think compliment that it's not shade, but it's back handed and people say that to people who are just like trying to you just we kid went to college, kid goes to college? Or what's up Hollywood? Or you think you better than us? Now I'm trying to better myself. It has nothing to do with you.

But yes, I'm trying to better myself, and you're making it about you because you might have had the opportunity to do the same, but if you didn't, and whose fault is that? And that's where survivors remorse comes from.

It's the guilt that people put on you because a lot of the times these people had may have had the same opportunities or may not may not the same opportunities, but they see someone doing more, and they most of the time don't know how to be happy for you if they're not happy for themselves, so they kind of throw that shade or that backhanded compliment, you know, like like I want to be like you will not grow up.

Stuff like that makes people feel away. Even though you think it may be a compliment, it's really not you know, and having survivor's remorse. There were times when I was even in college where I felt like damn, like like damn, a lot of my friends could didn't get into school. You know why me. You know what I'm saying this, as soon as I get something, I'm gonna be I'm gonna share with everybody. Because what you want to do now is you're feeling so guilty. You want everyone to

feel how you feel. So any little bit of thing you get, you share with everybody so we can all be on the same even playing field. But what servirus remorse does to the people around you, it is makes them feel entitled to what you have because you started to share everything you have with them, so you can all feel on the same playing field. That the bad habits I guess that you start now become expected. So it's like, as you continue to ascend at every level,

then you're still bringing all these people along. And then you can't be mad at people who then you know, piss away opportunity, ease or tend to just not even try on their own, because why what do they have to And that's the point of this podcast. At this point of this podcast is not to put blame on all the people around you is for you to recognize that you created these things around you. That's why I can't get mad at the people around me or the

people around us, because we created that. With survivor's remorse. Now the things that how I got survivor's remorse. Who started young where you know, I remember it being extremely, extremely young, right when we used to go We used to go to Tennessee in the summertimes, and some of my friends used to be like, Oh, you're going down south, or you don't want to stay here in Brooklyn. You're

too good to stay here in Brooklyn. It's like mean, while you were doing manual labor down right down in Tennessee, Like don't nobody want to be here in this right And the thing is they would feel like since you left them, whatever you was doing was better than what you were doing here, so you felt like you were better and then that becomes the narrative of your life. You know I'm saying that that for me, that became

the narrative of my life. My parents constantly put me in situations to better myself, not be better than anyone else, to better myself. So if if I wanted to do something. They found even in Tennessee, they knew I loved art. They found the Road Center. The Road Center was a place for artistic people like I used to draw and paint and be creative. And even then when I didn't go to the boys Club, certain days they were like, oh, you're going to the Road Center. A You're too good

to just go to the boys club. So then, you know how I start to feel. I don't want to go to the role cinema. I'm gonna stay. You know what I'm saying. I remember starting that young. You know, when we used to go to Tennessee. It was the same thing. One year I beg to not go to Tennessee and then my parents kept us in Brooklyn and we went to the Glenwood Houses Projects Community Center summer

program and I had a great time there. But I remember choosing to not go with my grandparents because I wanted everyone else around me to feel better about me staying there. Think about how sick that is. You work your hardest to be better, right. Jay Z had a great quote. They were just like, um, people get mad at you and they say that you you change, Like I worked this hard to remain the same, you know,

like it's the truth, this whole shout out hope. But when you work this hard to be better for yourself, no, I don't want to remain in the same you know what. I think the conflict there is too for some people. They feel like you're trying to be better than them, whereas not you're trying to be better than them, You're just trying to be a better version of yourself and then being a better version of yourself if that then in turns allows you to ascend in whatever area you're

working on. That has everything to do with you and nothing to do with the party that's blaming you for trying to be better than them. There was never a competition to begin with, and I think that's the problem to a people. A lot of people feel like, because you may come from the same area, the same walk of life, or the same community or the same neighborhood, the same school, that everybody has to be on the same path, and that's just not the case, Like my

cat is gonna be different than yours. I experienced that when I was growing up. Um I used to do pageants. Everyone else that I competed in pageants and it was like, Oh, couldn't think she better than better than everybody else because she does pageants. The pageant was an opportunity a because I saw I was able to make some scholarship money and your girl was trying to make money earliest ten. Okay, I was like a scholarship money, they even cash awards.

I like this, I'm gonna build my bank account. So that was part of it. Another reason was that I always enjoyed being in front of an audience. That's something that I kind of just knew early on. So I was like, Okay, after reading you know, the guidelines for the pageant and stuff like that, my mom was like, Oh, interview skills, that'll that will help you in life. You do interviews and you learn how to speak in front of strangers and do one on one interviews with people.

That's something that's a life skill you can learn. So these are things that I was doing to better my circumstance and better myself because I knew eventually one day I was going to be in some sort of entertainment. I was dancing. I love to be on stage. Um they had talent competitions. I was playing the piano and dancing so my mom was like, this is a platform for people to just see you. You never know what casting director is going to be there, in acting coach, whatever.

So for me, it was all about the opportunity to advance and advance myself. Whereas some of my classmates at the time was like, Oh, she thinks she better because she got a crown and banner and she's on stage and pretty dresses and stuff, and then that kind of made me feel a way sometimes. Yeah, I kind of was just like, uh so if I had, you know, an opportunity, because my school was also very proud of me at the time, so they're like, Canine bring your

crown and bandit. We have some people visiting from wherever. They're trying to give the school some scholarship money. We want them to see that we have kids who were doing things here. And then it's like I had to feel bad about presenting myself like that in front of my peers because they made me think that I was better than them, and it had nothing to do with that. It was encouragement from the adults around me a but I couldn't fully live in that moment and be who

I wanted to be. For fear of ridicule. That survivor's remorse. You can't be who you want to be in your greatest moments because you feel ridicule from your peers. That is survivor's remorse. Yeah, and you know what people do to to kind of eliminate surviroru's remorse. People like me, for example, other people I don't stop achieving, but when I do achieve, I tried to give everything to everyone

around me so that everyone can feel the same. And when I realized that I didn't take care of myself, I didn't take care of the things that that mattered to me, you know what I'm saying, And now I took care of everybody so that we can all be perfect. Example, you're in the NFL. You twenty two years old, right, I'm taking all my boys at the club. I know they can't afford bottle service. I'll pay for everybody's bottle service.

So now you spent a couple of grand in the club so that everyone else can feel like they're in the NFL. Because you're in the NFL, but you're the only one that put the work in to get there, you know what I'm saying. And then when that runs out, or if you hit a blip in the road, those same people feel like they don't owe you anything because they didn't even as they ask. And you can't blame

that they didn't ask for this. You wanted to make yourself feel better because you felt ridiculed, and now when you don't have any more to give, now you're mad. So really, it's not even their fault for accepting. It. Can't be mad at then for accepting. You're the one that's doing all the offering, and that's and that's the point, like you, you can't blame the people around you. Right, It is a culture, right, it is a culture. And I don't know if it's because I'm not I'm not white,

I'm not Asian, not India. I don't know if it's a black culture thing. But I don't know if survivor's remorse exists in every other culture, mainly because especially in America, there's only been one group that was held captive and

enslaved for four years, and I was Black people. You know, I do know for a fact that Asian Asian Americans have gone through a lot after reconstruction, but it wasn't the same as enslavement So I don't know if in the Asian culture it's the same type of of um ridicule that happens when people try to ascend, but I do know in the Black culture that that's what happens, and that culture creates this survivor's remorse where you're like, if I'm the one that make it, I gotta bring everybody.

And it has nothing to do with entertainment. I've seen people who Bear early made it out of college. You finally got like a corporate job. And people think corporate jobs pay instantly once you get entry level, right, No, you know, like when you when you graduate from college. Like Blow, for example, when he first started I think

he started at New Burger Berman. I think at that time, this was two thousand and six, was making fort k. But in his family's mind, he made it so Blow try to help everybody, and that was a detriment to him in his future, because when you try to help everybody, you can't help yourself. And this if there's a message that you can get from this, ladies and gentlemen, is

this is the message. Do not let the current culture of the culture that you exist in as you ascend, let you make decisions that's not going to help you continue to ascend and get to your goals. That guilt you feel, that survivor's remorse you feel is created within you because the things that happened around you, but you can't use the people around you as escape go when you do that and then fail, That's why it's you have to be you have to know it's it's okay

to not take everyone. That's why this second time around, we help who we can help, only when we can help. I'm not spreading myself thin to help everybody. And now we have four children too, we were thinking about like the legacy that we're trying to build for our children and making sure that they have their little nestig for what they want to do whenever they're grown and they can access that. So it's also too Sometimes I feel like, in addition to the survivors are mor than trying to

shell out to help people. You play things small, you know, or you just kind of feel like even if it's not having to give somebody something, you feel like you have accomplish something and you can't even share that and share in that joy with certain people because you feel like they're going to then be able to celebrate all the time. Triple talks about it all the time. Cadine graduated mad lucum laude with a master's degree and broadcast journalism.

Part of the reason why this podcast is so freaking dope is because you are exquisite at what you do. You have a great voice. You took voice and Dickson classes. You help me with my voice. You you're perfect with transitions and adds. That's what you do, right. But even when Truple says, oh that's right, Dean does it, the first thing you do is going it's not that big deal. Like you you literally put your head down and you lose eye contact, and you know, is this not that

big deal? Because for years, well since you've been born, anytime, you've been proud of your compliments with accomplishments. And then and I know for a fact that they do this to black Americans in this control of the time, is

you better be humble? A big part of it. Think about this, when when was the last time you watched a white quarterback, a white athlete, male or female, white champion, white actor, and white singer go up to take make an acceptance speech, and then you hear Twitter say that person needs to be humble, but then think about it when it's a black athlete. Think about Serena Williams. How when she screamed at the referee for calling her a cheat and taking a point away, people were saying she

needs to learn how to be humble. But when McEnroe screams that refs every match, nobody says anything because that's expected. But it's expected for us. But it's expected for us to be hum humble and timid. And the Bible says to be humble. The Bible says to be humble unto God. It never says to be humble unto man. I don't have to be humble unto anybody else that looked just like me. You have to be humble unto God. And if you humble onto God, then he will continue to

bless you. Because now you have a fiduciary responsibility as someone who's living in abundance to help other people, which is something that we don't ever take lightly so just because it's a thing where we're careful and we're strategic about when we help and how we help people. Nowadays, we definitely help and we'll continue and will continue to help, and it's nothing that has to be publicly you know, it's spoken about or publicly advertised either, um, what we do.

And it's crazy because that's the oxymoron. And it's kind of like the double edged story. If you don't talk about helping people, people don't think you help. But if you're helping, you help, you talk about helping, then you're showing off for helping, um, so that you could just never win. But I think the great part about what we're doing collectively together is that as we both assent as a couple and as individuals, like you said, God is abundantly blessing us and telling us in the position

to help people who really need the help. Um. And it's great to be able to do that and not feel the guilt doing it, as if you know, we're trying to bring someone up to our level, but just saying in your moment, I see you, you may need assistance with this, or someone needs assistance with that, and we're able to do it. And we're a cheerful giver because God love that as well. And the difference is now when we help people, it's more of a thing where it's like I'm not helping you to make myself

feel better because I feel guilty about me. And that's the difference. There's a difference because that you also can't

blame people for that. If you choosed to help people because you feel guilty about how you've gotten these means, or you feel guilty because people throughout your life have made you feel guilty about overachieving, and you choose to help people to help with that guilt, you're helping for the wrong reasons, and ultimately you're gonna end up with your feelings hurt because that type of help runs out like you can't always help people like that, but when

you can help and be a cheerful giver because you can see someone is in a moment of need and the money you give them is not money you need or gonna need back. Now that's here, don't even you know, don't say nothing to me about it, don't say nothing to nobody else. Here you go. You know what I'm saying, regardless of whether you receive it or not, doesn't make

matter to me, because I'm just doing this. I think you need help, and I think people need to recognize that, especially younger people who are starting their college process, who are thinking about where they're gonna because I've even watched I've watched young kids choose to go to schools closer to home because they don't want the people around them

to feel like they're leaving them. And it's like, you're gonna live met your opportunities and your prospects because you want you don't want other people to feel bad about you bettering yourself. That is it's insane, and it's a sickness and and and to be honest, it's it's stopping a lot of greatness within our community. Sure, you know, like leaving the hood because you're just worried about leaving the hood. Imagine how much you could do for her when you came back, if you were able to grow

and flourish. That's a good point. And the funny thing is we see it all the time, perpetuated in entertainment. Right, the person who has a scholarship, or the person go out and sing, or the person go out and dance, or the person will be a CEO of a company. Right, you watch them on TV. And what's what's always the conflict with that character? I can't leave everybody behind. I gotta find a way to stay here and play basketball professionally.

You can't. That's not possible. You know what I'm saying. I want to take this big time job in New York as a financial president, but I can't. I gotta stay home, And no you don't. You don't got to go go out there and get as much resource it's possible, come back and the spread those those resources when you can, but not because you feel guilty. And that's that's ultimately what we want people to think about. And also and it's the motivation behind yes, the motivation behind it, but

also for people. Be careful with your words if you see someone is starting to do well or trying to ascend, saying backhanded stuff like, oh, what's good, Hollywood, I want to be like you will not grow up? Oh it must be nice, you're a lucky person. Stuff like that is backhanded compliments and that you don't know how that weighs on that person if you're constantly hearing it. So you know, I think that this is important that we as a people continue to look at how we interact

with those who are trying to ascend. Absolutely absolutely, I love that. All right, yo, So let's let's take some pay some some bills, get into these listener letters. Do that. As my laptop over here died. Let me get some juice, y'all. Plug me up please, so I can come and get in your business real quick. We're gonna take a quick break. We'll be right back, all right. So we're back with listener letters. All right. My laptop still dead, y'all. So if I was gonna start off, hopefully i'll catch up

long alright. Number one. First of all, let me start by saying I genuinely love your podcast and love you both. Big ups from Barbados, thinking barbad I can't wait to get there. Let me real quick. Stay. My goal in life is to touch every island in the crew being at some point. My goal in life is to touch you in every island at some point. I love that

moment of truth, y'all. Came early, and so I just turned twenty two when I was listening to your podcast last week, the one about manifestation, and of course, prayer without work equals nothing. So straight to the point, I'm tired of my job. I've been working here for two years and hearing Barbados, it's hard to find good, solid jobs. So if you find some good place. Uh, find some place good. Your best option is to stay. But lately I've become so frustrated that my workplace, and I decided

for my birthday, I'm going to make a change. So I prayed, and I've been trying to speak positive affirmation to myself, and I've been putting myself out there, sending my resume any and everywhere. When I pray, I asked God to help me find the right job, not just any job, because I would hate to leave one stress from the environment to going to the next. Even in typing, I gotta go all around. Even in typing, I gotta go all around the world before I get to the point. See.

I had my first call and interview this week, and honestly, the interview was amazing. I stepped out of their feelings so confident. But now I'm at work, and for some reason, I feel so guilty because this job has been good to me, and I met a lot of amazing people here,

and my boss is a really nice guy. I met my best friend for life here at work, even though she quit a couple of months ago, And honestly, I just feel like it's going to be so hard to leave, especially if I get the job at the other place. My questions are, how do I embrace new opportunities, how do I resign from this job the right way? And finally, what affirmations can I tell myself to help me overcome the guilt I'm feeling for wanting better for myself? Wow?

Could your girl be feeling guilty? Bad? Bad? I couldn't help the dialect there. I love that I read you read math fast, get half the story, you ain't the story I can't hear. So pretty much pretty much what she was saying was she had a job, she don't like her job, doesn't like it, wants to do something else, but she feels guilty leaving because everything she's learned from that job. Another type of survivors feeling like you've outgrown the place you're in, but guilty because you want to

move on. I mean, the bottom line is is that we have been taught, like we have been conditioned to be accepting of any condition, like that's just what. Let's just accept it, like this is this is good enough, you know. And And here's one thing, I'm so grateful for this opportunity that I can't I have to just withstand that you know where I saw that with mostly

growing up my mom. Yeah, like in this work environment that was just so so stressful, and she was so unhappy and just having to deal with people that just weren't nice. And well, let's just never wanted to leave. You never wanted to walk away. Let's talk about corporate structure. Right, this is how corporate structure works. Your boss owns a company. Right, you make your boss, let's say a million dollars. You

may make fifty dollars. Your boss's job is to make you feel so good earning that fifty dollars that you never leave because you help him or her make a million dollars. So you know, what your boss does may be nice to you. You know, um, give you an extra five dollar bonus, little employed employee appreciation breakfast, You go on vacation every year. These are all ploys and corporate structure to keep you a part of the corporate program. Your job is to continue to make that company money.

So of course they're gonna make you feel good and then also make you feel guilty when you're ready to go. That's why most people when they're transferring jobs, they just get an offer. Know that the job is secure, put in their two weeks notice and then bounced. Because if you tell your boss that you're thinking about leaving, they're gonna make you feel good by doing everything other than giving you a worse or giving you more responsibility so

you can grow in that position. Because if they give you more responsibility so you can grow in that position, it's going to cause them more money. What's cut into their bottom line. So you have once you understand corporate structure and you know how this works, you won't feel guilty because you know it's just business. Maybe it's never personal. The same way, if they can get cheaper, younger talent,

you are disresposable. I think I saw somewhere. I don't know if it was a mean or if it was an actually real thing, but it's like someone had passed away on the job or whatever, and that person's job was posted by the end of business day the same day they found out the person passed away disposable. But I'm just saying that should also put in perspective for you that you're just a body. You were just a

number to some of these institutions. So when you're thinking about blood but in tears, you're thinking about your happiness, your sanity. I'm like, sense, look at what you prayed for. You prayed for better opportunities that are coming. Embrace the opportunity. Yo, listen. It's it's funny, but bosses can give you survivor's remorse as well. Oh yeah, I think of it in that circumstance. But all the bosses I know who are really good at empowering people and that are really good at empowering

people often narcissistic and also very smart at manipulating people. Right, So what they'll do is they'll empower you within the company to help them make more money, but also reminds you, like, remember when you started and you couldn't do anything, Think

about how much you learned here. So now it's like, damn, let me make this person feel indebted to this place, because if they learned, if I remind them of how much growth and how much we took a chance on you because we wasn't sure, but look how much we taught you. It's saying things like that creates a survivor's remorse. When it's like I've outgrown this job, but can I

leave because I've done so much here? It's like, yes, you can leave your job, was to yes, and you can't feel guilty because you've outgrown a situation like that's just what You've made some friends at work. You can be friends outside of work now And she said the best friend quick, Yeah, the best friends called. Yes, your best friend left your sis. Come on now. If that wasn't a message, then I don't know what the message is.

But I think people need to understand that survivor's remorse is a tool, often using corporate structure to keep you an employee. And if you want to move on, you're gonna have to learn to let that guilt go and then do what you do for yourself affect their bottom line. You know, I'm gonnatop. Now you want my laptop? Now you want my laptop? You know? Please let me tell you. But come on, was that reaching over the chair? Bro?

Let me tell you. You're not getting my get up, you're let me touch you, but reach over and grab it. There you go, let me helping out there? There you go. All right, we're good. Good. Make sure my laptop dies more often, y'all play don't play with feels on the podcast? All right, So here's the second one. Hey, First off, I want to say, I love you guys, and always appreciate how transparent you are with each other and your listeners. You'll pollcome love you back. I've been with my boyfriend

for four years. We both graduated college last year, and now we're both working full time jobs and back at home living with our parents to save money. We've been talking about the future of our relationships, specifically moving in together and eventually getting married. However, it seems like it's

been hard to get on the same page. I really I realized that I often feel that when I try to talk to him about giving more to the relationship and committing to future plans together, he reacts like I'm threatening his sense of self and his independence. It's very frustrating. Although I don't doubt that he cares about me, it feels like he's not on committed to the launch devity of our relationship. This resulted in ME building up a wall and not trusting his commitment, causing a lot of

arguments and distance. Am I wrong for questioning his intentions? How can I know if we can rebuild trust or if he's just the type of person that values independence over partnership. Is this just a post grad phase that all couples go through. Thanks for any insight. Interesting good question. She built up here. Um so boyfriend for four years they were in college together, graduated, full time jobs, living at home with their family. Building. So it could be

a couple of things. It could be that he is in that building phase where he kind of feels like, Okay, if I'm going to seriously think about committing to this woman in real life, because I think college gives us this like perfect little like world of it not being practical because we are living without real bills. You know, we're just kind of like we talked about our college EXPERI it's an utopia. It's a utopia. That's the word I'm looking for. It's just a utopia of like the

perfect environment. So it could be that now he's realizing that, Okay, college is over, this is real world. Now I'm trying to build and I want to focus on that devils need to think some based on his faith? No, no, no, Or is it that you think that he's just getting a taste of now the real world and maybe afraid of the commitment phase. To be honest, I don't I don't know what it is. I just feel like, and

we're gonna do a whole podcast about this. There's a different responsibility when it comes to a man trying to plan for the future than a woman. A huge responsibility. Like, for example, right in this day and age, if I'm gonna propose, I have to save money for a ring. I have to save money to propose the right way these days, which is I got to get a videographer, a photographer, take her to a restaurant, invite all her people, and do a whole big thing or else She's not

going to feel like it's good enough. Right, Women prepare for marriage by doing what waiting. That's why there they seem so impatient because I'm just waiting to figure out waiting, tying to figure it out. Well, nigga's got to make money to do all that stuff. For example, we know someone who was looking to get married. Right, first thing is ring. Right, said person said they're looking for a certain amount of carrots. Certain amount of carrots cost tens

of thousands of dollars, right, tens of thousands of dollars. Right. For a lot of people, those tens of thousands of dollars maybe half or more than their salary for a year, right, Plus this person wants everything when it comes to the proposal, right, which costs more than tens of thousands of dollars. So the women sit back and do what while the man is planning all of this? You understand what I'm saying,

Like realistic. I gotta ask you a question. When you were planning on getting married, right, what were you thinking of? How were you preparing to be a wife, and how were you preparing for the proposal. I've been told y'all, I was preparing. I was getting my bikini whack, I was getting my nails done. Um No, seriously, there wasn't a lot of preparation that went into me preparing to be a wife, per se, like they were in conversations

that were had or any of that. So it really is kind of like a sitting back and waiting game that happens with this whole like proposal thing. So yeah, his mind might kind of be a little flustered. Now he's like, now we're out of this utopia, now we're in the real world. Um, and this is getting really really, really fast because this is what happens. I got to spend all this money to do all of this, But then we also have to get married, and we have to plan a wedding, and we have to live. I've

said this before. Right as a man, I felt a responsibility that if I'm going to ask you to be my wife, I have to be prepared to handle all of the responsibilities that come with having a wife. You didn't think like that. You never thought like, okay, let me put this amount of money aside, let me It was just I can't wait to get engage and they get married, and you didn't even think about how much a wedding will cost. I thought about all of this.

I thought about where we were going to live. I thought about when you if once you get pregnant, if you can't work, how am I going to handle all of the responsive financial responsibilities. So I think for women sometimes when you're sitting back and waiting for him to just ask, there's a lot that he has to go through before he even gets to that point. And even if he's at that point, he still has to wait until financially he's at a point to execute those plans.

Because y'all just graduated, so I guarantee you do. They even have secure jobs yet. I don't know if she but they're both staying at home to save money. So my thing is, they just both graduated. So if they're both just graduating um undergrad grad school, I think it was. I think it was undergrad. So let's say they both under they both graduate undergrad. Right, Most people this day, and ain't you graduate undergrad make between forty five and sixty dollars a year on the high end, on the

high end, So let's just think about that. He's making forty five to sixty dollars a year. He has to get taxed on that, right, So he gets taxed on and say it's the sixty, let's give him a sixty. He's gonna have to pay at least thirty three that money to the government. So now he's making forty dollars a year, right, and this is first year upon graduation. Most of these women want the diamonds that they see on Instagram, right, they want what to three carrots? Right?

I know for a fact, because I just upgraded your reign that with each carrot is at least ten thousand dollars on the low wind. So you want three carrots thirty thousand dollars, right, plus the band, right, plus the engagement party, plus the engagement itself is another what ten maybe fifteen thousand dollars, So a year salary forty dollars, he's going to spend more than that proposing to you.

He has to save that money first and still live, which means he still has to live in today's today's day. So if he's making four thousand dollars a year, forty thousand dollars a year, that's at least what i'd say about thirty five hundred dollars a month like a human calculator, because for years I've been for years, I've been doing

this in my head. You figure if he's saving I mean, if he's making thirty five dollars a month after taxes, he's still gotta eat, still gotta live, probably has a car, probably dropped some money to his parents for staying there for free. If his parents say no, forget it, he'll probably be able to save out that thirty five hundred if he if he lives frugally, probably able to say

fifteen hundred. So now fifteen hundred times twelve is what eighteen thousand, which means he's going to have to for two to three years, depending on their level of most women is like waiting too three years for but that's really what So it seems like yeah there, and when we hear women talk about it doesn't seem like he's serious. He also he may be serious and trying to throw

you off so that he can surprise you. Because remember we had friends who her girls were saying, if he don't propose you by by Thanksgiving or by by New Year's, then you need to just move on because he's not ready. The whole time, his plan was to propose to her and surprise her in February, and then she came through New Year's. He was taking her to we told the story.

He was taking her to events up on New Years and the whole time she was getting dressed up and all her girls like, and every time it wasn't it. He got disappointed and ultimately gave him an ultimatum in January, like if you're not serious about this, then meanwhile, this dude had a whole ring and the whole thing set up the February it's like, damn, like a whole your friends sitting I should just waited and just be patient

baby at it? Well, I mean too, I guess she can also look at it as not having the conversation as a form of pressure, but as a form of expectations or what she's looking for as things progress, right, because we had this this that went viral when we talked about expectation versus pressure. So I think that if she's just having the conversation with him, not framing it where he feels pressured, but just saying, hey, I'm just wondering, like,

what's the time frame? Because every couple talks about time frame though no, don't like we have like a five year plan. We have a ten year plan for the future. If maybe she just wants some clarity on where his head is with things. But the but the game plan often puts pressure because the woman is saying I wanted in this time. He's the one that's responsible to provide it in that time. Regardless of how you coded, it's still pressure to provide the things you want. I'm required

to provide the things you want in your time. So maybe it's not a pressure a conversation about her time, it's that what do you think or what what what are you coming? I think that's what she's trying to say. She's coming from a place of what are you. You just said, is it wrong for her to say what she wants and needs and her time? And I said, no, it's not wrong. You are entitled to say what you want and need, but you can't say, I just told you what I want and need. Don't feel no pressure.

That's why people oftentimes when they said, you know, like for example, we had um for Valentine's Day, we have friends who smitty Smitty was just like, yo, um, if y'all can figure out something on Valentine's they let me know. But if you can't, it's no pressure. You gotta say no pressure, because once you tell somebody what you're looking for and in a certain time frame, now what's pressure on them to provide that. The thing is women don't like to hear that they put pressure on men when

they tell them a time frame. But you're entitled to tell me your time frame, right, But I think if you if I have to provide, if you care to, you may be like, you know, you can have all time frames you want. But what we're not doing is that so that's also possible. Well, good luck to assists, you know, continue to have the conversations, are serious about each other. That's one thing that I always encourage, even though you may not see eye to eye on the process,

at least having the conversations. Um, hopefully we'll get some clarity someday. That's ultimately, that's the only answer. Can openly having the conversation and don't be upset or don't expect other people to understand how your conversation is going to go. Because Kadeen and I had the conversation out loud, and everybody else was upset, but she and I wasn't and it worked out perfectly for us. So make sure you talk the conversation and don't care how everyone else takes it.

Continue to have the conversation and love on each other absolutely. All right, y'all keep setting in these listener letters because we love to have them. We're actually gonna have a list of letter episode coming up, maybe one or two this season, because you know, sometimes you have some really good questions and stories for us, So email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's right, that's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. Alright, moment of

truth time, we're talking survivor's remorse. Going back to the top of the show. Everything we spoke about ascension bringing everybody with you who can come, who can't, and feeling bad about that, um my thing, my moment of truth, I should say, is just be careful with your words and your approach when it comes to people around you who are trying to make their hopes and dreams come true. There's just there's just nothing, um that can be more

disappointing or more hurtful than the backhanded compliments. And if you're going to support someone, support them wholeheartedly. Support them because you want to genuinely support them and their their their path, not because of what you may potentially gain from it. And just know that if you want to ascend with somebody, you have to put the working as well too. And it can be two completely different dreams, two completely different goals, a really different path you speaking

right now. But there's nothing sweeter than when a group of friends or a group of acquaintances or a group of family members are all ascending in their own fields and they can do it collectively and celebrate together, like, how beautiful is that you took my goddamn moment of truth? All right? So we've done it all right? If you want to be the Only thing I'm gonna add is, if you are the person that's ascending, don't let your pocketbook be your way of getting rid of guilt, because

that runs out. You cannot pay people to be happy for you, and you cannot pay your way out of dealing with the trauma for feeling guilty for being successful. You can't so between Cadee's moment of truth for the people around for the person who is ascending. Noted words matter, and know that you have to work on healing yourself

first before you can be available to anybody else. Dead asked, the dead asked the all right, be sure to find us on social media, y'all at Dead Asked the podcast, and you can find me Instagram and all the good stuff at Cadeen. I am and I am devouting. If you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review

and subscribe. We'll see you next time. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as to podcast and never miss a Thing