Sooooooo Anxious

reading each other publicly as a form of therby. Wait, I'll make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we all. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Do the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and

nothing but the truth. Were about to take phillows off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. So I'm gonna take y'all back to nineteen ninety nine. Two thousand, Yo, yo, you out disrespectful son, one of those people too, don't worry about it. Two thousand. I'm getting ready to start my first JV basketball game, right okay, And we're in the weight room because it's the home game.

We're in the waiting room. I'm waiting, I'm waiting, I'm waiting, and out of nowhere, I start to feel like a little like lightheaded and tired, like I just felt extremely tired, and I was like, let me sit down for him, and I thought it maybe I don't drinking enough water and stuff. So I sit down and I lay down on the bench and I actually go to sleep before the game, just go to sleep, and then they wait me, yo, yo,

wake up, wake up? So I wake up. And immediately when I wake up, I feel like okay, but disoriented, like you know, someone wakes you up out of a sleep. But how did I go to sleep that hard and that fast? So wake up? Get disoriented? We run outside for introductions for the basketball game. Throughout the whole thing, it was like almost like foggy, and I could not get focused, like I was just like I was like,

what's happened? It was happening. I couldn't I get focused and we start the game, and the first couple of trips down the court, I remember trying to tell myself, like, yo, get get with it, like what is happening? Like You've done this so many times? Why what is this feeling? Are you sick? And I thought I was sick. I thought I'm coming down with the flu. I thought, you know,

I thought something was happening to my body. And it wasn't until I got the basketball and I went through on motion and I had made a basket, and when the basket went in, the fogginess disappeared and it went from being like, yeah, let's go and I could hear clearly, and then I relaxed. And it wasn't until the seventh game of the year, we played Fort Hamilton. I remember saying to myself. I was like, man, I think I have performance anxiety, and my coach said, I think you

do too. Anxiety comes from being anxious. So it's only right that we sing a song that talks about you. Ready. M mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm body rope, mm hmmm mm hmmm mmmmm. Nine o'clock Home alone, paiging you when shit you come over my place, after world after wild, let me know, let me know. We can't just keep talking about the least. So now I understand why Genuine had that vein. Is name how you singing the high of a register, the bulging vein? So anxious man talking was prom you remember

what song was playing? When you wait? You know what. Let's pay a quick bill. I'm gonna come back out of this break and let y'all know about the time develop post some dramatic movie shit on campus. All right. I will let y'all know about that when we get back. All right, So we're back. So the double down the story time has nothing to do with anxiety, but real quick because of the song choice anxiety at this moment.

But sure we both had anxiety at this moment. So this is back to October two thousand and two, and I'm on campus at half share with Val. At this point, I hadn't transferred yet, but I had put my transfer papers in UM and Devot I had been talking for a couple of weeks, and I realized that Devot was

simultaneously talking to you. Didn't realize I told you, right, Well, this is me comeing to the realization that after Devot told me that he was talking to none of us said that when he said that he had somebody back in high school, that he was kind of still talking too. They were kind of trying to figure out, you know, where their relationship was. I was like, oh, okay, so kind of talking to somebody. I'm not about to be playing number two to you. So no, no, no, no,

you're talking about dramatics. No no, no, no, no stop. If you can talk about dramatics, start about the drama. The drama started in the room. We was in the room. She's on top of me, and we're making out right, and we're making out and I don't know, we're doing the magout session. I feel water falling down my face and then I'm like it was tears. I'm like, yeah, why that's I was trying to get to that. This is this is what you call building a story. What

it was? No, and sometimes and it's good to tell stories in a dramatic way. Since you talked about being dramatic, well you took over my whole story. No no, no, no, I'm just doing this part. You could take it back over. I felt water falling down my face and then I look up and Codein's crying and I'm just like, hey, hey, hey, what, like what's what's going on here? Like are you okay?

Are you comfortable? Do you feel safe? She's just like, yeah, anybody, I can't do this anymore and can't do this anymore. And I'm just like, you can't do what? Like we weren't even doing that yet, like we just just making out. She's like, I'm sorry, I have to go out, like I don't want to be anyone second. And I was just like, but I told you I didn't want to

be nobody's boyfriend. I'm trying to figure out and she's like, I know, I just can't be no one's second, and then she gets up, gets all of her stuff and walks out of the room. I walked out the room because I was like, what am I doing here? Like I don't really want a boyfriend, but I'm really liking this guy way too much. You know, he doesn't really want a girlfriend. He kind of just talking to somebody still, Like I was just like, you know what, forget this

before I get any deeper into this situation. I'm a dip, So I get in my little green Toyota rav four at the time, and packed up on myself. I was leaving campus. Didn't you gonna leave? She walked out the door, and I used to live on the second floor. I stayed in my room and I looked out the window and I watched her go out the door, and I watched her go through the courtyard, and I was like, and I just put on my flip flaps and I ran. I went through the courtyard and I went through the gate.

I couldn't get back in, say you know, I was going. So I got in my car and I was like, you know what, forget this, Like I'm gonna just go move on with my life. This is not really anything I planned for anyway. So I'm driving now at this point towards the exit at the campus, and we reached this four way stop sign, so it's the biggest intersection by the entrance of and I see de vous car come out of nowhere, and he pretty much comes from

around me and then cuts me off. So I'm like, where cars our cars like a tea now like a capital tea, Like mine is the base and his is the top of the tea. So he blocks me in turn, blocking four way traffic, and then he comes over to me, swings my car door open and it pulls me out the car and he's just like, don't leave please, don't leave me, don't leave me. And what's playing in the background is genuine song Stingy. So that's how we link

the fucking me just yet something hide it. Yeah, yeah, I remember that was like, but you're being so stingy at this because you want to have me and her and everything, but you don't want to girl, I don't understand himself. Is not the only one, but the only song that was such a moment. That was a moment when they do the movie about our life, Well, we have a movie about it because we have the book now,

so the next thing is the movie. Deal all right, come on now, we're gonna write this whole script out. And that has to be one of the most dramatic moments in the movie. All it was missing was rain. Oh my god, if there was rain, I cut a Dean off and and is she was just like crying still and I hugged it and we started kissing. In and over here is blocking man traffic, sunired intersection. Nobody want to see all that ship man, go to your room.

People was cursing this out, but this is that moment you don't hear anything around I literally don't know what's going on around me. But all I know is then I got back in the car, pulled over, and then we probably made out for like another hour after made like another hour. Good times, good times. The memory to eighteen, I know, I know eighteen and then live y'all that she gave me anxiety too, though, Yeah, not gonna lie, not gonna lie. So we're talking anxiety today. What does

that look like for you? What is it? How do we cope? Um? I feel like the term anxiety is thrown around a lot too, but there's so many different ways that it can manifest itself in people. So the first thing was I'm gonna talk story time. Yeah, Um, I was in tenth grade playing JV basketball, and I was at the time, I was I was the best basketball player on the team, Like it wasn't even close who was the best basketball player. So I felt like there was a lot of pressure on me to perform.

And before this I had never been on like a team. I was never in a real team environment where everything was on me. So I remember getting ready to play that first game and feeling like, if I don't score this many points, if I have turnovers, if I do this, we're gonna lose and everybody's gonna be watching me. If I make mistage, I'm going to be the laughing stock, and then I'm gonna lose my spot, and then my parents won't love me, and then I'm gonna be mad.

Like my mind just started racing of all the things that could possibly go wrong, and it was like I had to slow my mind down in order to become at ease with playing. And then it used to happen before every game, and I remember Coach Valasquez used to be like, you are right, because I'd be sweating, you know what I'm saying. I would have to lay down and like kind of close my eyes and I would take a nap, like right before the game, and she'd be like, yo, wake up, like let's go. And I

played well. I always my first seven games, I averaged over like fifteen points. I was blocking shots, I was fast, and I was doing all the things. She's like, You're playing well, Like what's the matter. But it was always the fear of failure that used to just like make me so nervous, and I started to develop a system. And I played football for the first time the year later, and I had the same thing all of those football games. Going through all of college. I had to say all

of college, I had performance anxiety before every game. I never forget Stephen Bone used to go to the bathroom, shout out to my boy Steve and he would throw up. He would throw up. I would sit in my locker and I would go sleep. I don't know everybody manifests itself so differently, because for me, I could never think about sleeping. Usually it's my stomach. I'm usually on the

toilet like got bubble guts before any moments like that happened. No, I realized talking to my teammates that everyone in the locker room had their form of anxiety, and it would it would come, especially being a Division one athlete, so much as writing on your success and you're used to being the most successful person, Like less than one percent of athletes become Division one athletes, So when you're in the locker room, you're in the locker room with one

percent of the population, and all of those people have that weight and pressure on top of that, there's a weight pressure from coaches would be like we gotta win, we gotta do some in order to be successful. And I used to watch everybody go through their routine before the game. Everybody in the locker room had a routine and it was exactly the same. For example, Willie Cologne would pay a thousand times. He was always going into the bathroom. Like I said, Stephen Bone would just go

in to bathroom and throw up. So Reef would listen to music, Terry would get quiet and not talk to nobody. I would be in my locker and I was sleeping until they said this time for specialists to go outside. Like everybody had their thing. And I can never tell just watching you play with such confidence, like thinking about even college days. Every time you hit the field, it was like a show. And I was just like, man,

I could never tell that you had that anxiety happening. Well, I can tell you how I learned to get through the anxiety. And well do you want to you want to go through some of these statues. Yeah, yeah, let's unpack what what anxiety looks like, because like I said, it can manifest itself in different ways for different people and in several related diagnosis so um diagnosic that's shout out to kyro La because I was like, oh my god. Diagnosis.

They include OCD, SO obsessive compulsive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, phobias,

it can be panic disorder, and generalize anxiety disorder. And common symptoms include physical anxieties such as like a racing heart, you have a higher pulse, tension in the chest, butterflies in the stombach that's me, feeling anxious or afraid, feeling irritable or on edge, Engaging in compulsions such as washing hands to ease anxiety, Avoiding people or places that remind someone of trauma, experiencing ab troops of nightmares, memories or flashbacks,

having trouble concentrating because of distracting anxiety, having fears or phobias, developing anxiety and tension related ailments such as tension, headaches, or chronic muscle pain. An estimated thirty one point one percent of US adults experience any anxiety disorder at some

point in their life. Women are more likely to experience mild, moderate, or severe symptoms of anxiety than men, and research shows Trusted Source tells us that anxiety may present differently in Black Americans, who are more likely to develop PTSD post traumatic stress disorder than white Americans. Yes, ye, so that you have it lots of different ways that it could show itself. This is the crazy part. I've noticed that. And anxiety starts young, right. I noticed that Jackson. Yes,

I was gonna say, he shares. He shares both of us, right, because we both have performance anxiety. Yes, the absolute worst thing for me as a kid. And I want to tell you, and I know how it was directly being to confidence too. I feel like anxiety and confidence going hand in hand about it. My um I was taking piano lessons, hated to play the piano, hated it, but started it because I asked that my mom was a

believer and you started it. That's the discipline component. And I was like this thing that not as easy as it looked, you know, But I stuck through it. And I really loved my music teacher at the time, so it was an incentive for me to want to just at least spend time with him and hang out and stuff. And anytime somebody would come by the house or at

my elementary school, Bethlehem Academy, shout out to BBA. They'd have a recital or they'd have a chapel service and it'd be like entertainment by and my mom was always like, couldint can play the piano? And I'm just like no, I get like, why are you volunteering me? And they also knew. My teachers and our headmasters at the time knew that I played the piano, so they thought that

every time you know, something was happening, it was. And I hated that because every single time I had to play the piano in front of everyone, I got so nervous and crazy anxieties, at the point where one time I remember performing and I could not even get through the song, Like I literally was just drawing a blank, couldn't blame anything. My mom had to come out of the audience and sit next to me to help me

get through work. Yeah, to help me get through. This happened when I was me be in the second grade. Oh you was eight, second or third grade. I think by the third grade that's baby, you a baby still yeah, but I just still I mean I took piano lessons up until I was about eleven or twelve, and I just I it just never stuck with me, and I think it's because this wasn't confident with it, so that lack of confidence in playing the piano gave me more

anxiety to perform. This is what I think. Because I noticed this with Jackson, I believe it could be a myth, but I know anxiety. Anxiety sometimes comes from internal factors, but I do think some of it can be nurture, right Like, for example, Jackson became extremely nervous about basketball the more I screamed at him about basketball. I realized the turn in Jackson when I took the pressure off of him to perform and just go out and have fun. I no longer get the same approach to the game

as he used to. For example, last year, this time Jackson told me, and this is just me growing as a parent and no one when you fucked up, Jackson came to me and said he wanted to play basketball. Jackson came to me and said he wanted to be in the NBA. So I'm thinking I'm doing my son a disservice if I don't put him in an environment where he can be successful at that sport. Playing in the NFL, they used to have a model called make

practice harder than the games, right. What they say is you put athletes in a strustful environment in practice so that the games can become fun. So I was putting Jackson on purpose in strustful environments when we practice and worked on things, because I wanted the games to be fun. So I was putting all this pressure and stuff on him in practice on purpose so that he will be

prepared when the anxiety comes during the game. And it backfired like a mother because all of that pressure and anxiety I put on him in practice, he carried that into the game and his thought process was and he literally said to me before before every game, he would

come in the room, Daddy, I don't feel good. Yeah, And I'm like, what's the matter, And He's like, my back hurts, I got a headache, my throat in the car and I feel like I knew he was trying to avoid the idea of thought of having to play, so he would fall asleep in the car. But he would always come up with an ailment, and I'll be trying to figure out what's the ailment? What's the ailment?

That I realized, like, bro, you're nervous. He'd like yeah, yeah, and to the point where he'd be crying yea, or he'd be crying and I'm just like, dude, what are you so nervous for, Like you plumped to play the game, like he's about to be fun, and he would try to hide that from me, like yeah, I know, I know it'd be fun, it'd be fun. But I'd see him getting nervous and nervous and nervous and something be happening,

and then I'd be like, dude, what's the matter. And he told me he's just like I just I'm afraid that if I lose that, you're not like, you're gonna hate me. And I was like, wow, I'm the reason why you have anxiety, bro, And I had to realize like, here I am trying to avoid you from getting anxiety, and I'm creating all of the anxiousness because of my you know, my my anxiety. Like I wanted my son, I want my son to be great, because he said

he wants to be great. I'm also not realizing that at the time that he was ten, you know, and the pressures you put on an adult professional athlete you can't put on a ten year old. And I was thinking that if I put it on him from ten, he'll be able to learn how to deal with it by the time he becomes a high school student. And I was like, Yo, D this level, this whole hit.

I had to say my whole name to say, Yo D de v out calmed down, All right, your son is out here, look like he's about to die because he's playing a game that you're taking all of the fun out of right, And I just start to tell him, like, YO, have fun. I don't care if you win and lose. I don't care how many points you have. I don't care how many turnovers last. You know what I'm saying. But I had to teach myself that, right. And I watched Jackson over the last four months run to get

his gym back. Now Dad wants to Jim, like the cookie go to Jim Dak you do this and the anxiety is going now anxiety for practice. Do you think you can teach someone how to get through anxiety, because, for example, I personally, whenever I have anxious moments, right, sometimes it really just requires like an internal talking too, yes to get you out of that place. Yes. And I remember being younger and feeling like man, I just literally cannot get control of my anxiousness. So this is

this nerve. So you think it's something that you can teach someone how to kind of get through because with performance, for example, how do you think so being a former athlete per se, right, and now I'm a former like pageant competitor, right, So you're about to hit the stage and it's like, I just can't mess up, babe? Is this simple? Right? And the truth is it is extremely simple when you think about it, but it's difficult to do.

You only become a master at something through repetition, right, And it takes a thousand movements to become muscle memory, which means you have to do the very thing you're afraid to do over and over and over again for a long period of time to become a master to the point where it becomes muscle memory. The way I was able to get through my performance anxiety was and it started with basketball and it continued through football. Every time I started to do something new, it was a

challenge to master it. So the easiest thing today is to say, keep doing it over and over again till you master it. The difficult is to have the consistency to do it. And become a master. But that's how you do it. You know how I got through my anxiety with basketball. I took layups over and over again.

I did free throws over and over again. I shot shots in the same spot over and over again, and dribbled that basketball over and over again, to the point where when my anxiety came up, I knew in my heart that I'm a master at what this is about to do, and I could close my eyes and be successful at it. That eased my body because I wasn't worried about how I was going to perform. I knew that I had mastered what it is I wanted to do, and that's how it helped me through sports. Right with football,

I used to have anxiety about catching punts. I didn't catch punts in college, but I told him in the NFL I could, so after practice, I used to catch fifty punts after every single practice, when everybody else used to go inside, I would spend another forty five minutes after practice, two hours sometimes catching punts over and over again, so that once the game comes, I didn't have to be nervous of whether or not I'm going to drop because the fear of The unknown is what draws anxiety

out right. You start thinking what happens if, what happens if? When you know in your mind that there is no what happens if, Because I know what I'm going to do, the anxiety goes away. And that's what I've ingrained in Jackson Jain Why I got to do two hundred shots today. You gotta make two hundred shots of games that when the game comes around, you're not concerned about whether or not the SHOT's gonna go in. You're concerned about how I'm going to get to that spot so I can

make the shot go in. Then it becomes fun. It's no longer what if this happens? Maybe if? No. I know what I gotta do because I've mastered it, and I also preached to him. I've learned is your mastery doesn't guarantee a victory because other people are also mastering their craft as well. Yet, so you're not worried about the victory. You're worried about mastering your craft and doing it the best of your ability. And what you realize that if I didn't win the game, I have to

work even harder than next time. So it's a process that never stops. You never get to a point of mastery where I'm a master. Now I don't have to work no more. You have to maintain mastery by continuing to work. And that's how I've learned to rid my anxiety. That's why I read so much. That's why I love doing auditions because now the anxiety for some people comes with an audition. Right, They're going, I got an audition too,

What am supposed to do? Well? Have you read that script over and over and over and over and over again, and then one more time to make sure you have the words, and then another time to make sure you understand it. And people are like, Dann, you read the scripts that many times? Yes, I read the scripts in the sides over and over again up until I walk into that door, so that when the anxiety hits, I can find relaxed moment where it's like I know what I gotta do, and I walk in it and the

mastery just comes out. You know what I have not been able to master when it comes to anxiety was that being a mom. Being a mom, wow, and having children, Because you know we're talking about performance anxiety. I live in a constant state of anxiety. Are you worried about messing your kids up? Or you worry your kids everything. It's a constant state of anxiety. I feel like I have my actual heart walking around outside times five if

there's you and there's my boys. And as a mom, I don't think I'll ever not exists in some space of anxiety or worry. And that's exhausting. But yeah, and that's just like a different form of anxiety because I feel like I'm never going to fully be in control of life. I'm never gonna fully be in control of their life, the people around them, the scenarios they're going to be in as they grow. And it is an exhausting space to be in as a parent, as a wife because I don't know if I can always protect

my children. You can't. There's no don't know. You do know. I know. I know that I can't always protect my children. I know that I can't always protect or be there for my husband like and that I think for me was like the turning point in my life where I realized, like you know, when you just say why, you always think the worst. Sometimes it's like as a mom, you just think of the worst case scenarios It's like when you see a child walking and you're just like, shoot,

he's about to fall. I know he's about to fall, and you know you go to grab them because if that instant kicks in. I am living in a constant state of anxiety and worry, and I don't know how to keep it under control. Sometimes. Well, it's funny you say that, because I never thought of it like that, But I do kind of apply the same method even to my kids. Take the Coda for example, right, I notice you and your mom are very high strung when it comes to the Koda, him falling, him having an accident.

I remember everybody was like, we just need to buy gates. The house is so big, he could walk around everywhere and fall. Right. Rather than fearing that he may fall and then putting up all of these barricades to stop him from going places, I am of the mindset that let me walk him through these places and have him practice doing the things that I'm afraid of him failing at and getting hurt, so that he masters it. Like going up and down the stairs. Yo, Coda can go

up and down the stairs. You want to know why, because Dad sat there with him and let him you know, go down the stairs backwards and if he were going to stumble, to keep my hand there just in case. And I let him do that a couple of times up and down until it became like, wait a minute, I can do this on my own, and he starts to move up and down. So he developed And now the anxiety for me being concerned if my son is going to fall down twenty seven steps, that's how many

steps it is from upstairs to down. I'm afraid that he's gonna fall down those steps. No, I've watched him in practice with him go over it so many times that I know he can do it, and that doesn't guarantee that he's never gonna fall. But what I'm not concerned is that my son is going to go to a place that he's never seen before and not know what to do. And I think as a parent, that's what I always try to do as a parent to four boys. Right, you have to go to school this road.

I'm not going to just say, well, you gotta go down that road. You and I gonna drive this road so you can see what it looks like. We're gonna walk this road to see what it's like when you're walking right, I'm gonna wait until it's raining one day and you can I'm gonna walk with you while it's raining so you can see. And I'm going to trust that after we've done this together a number of times that you got it, and at that point the anxiety

is gone because we've done this together. I feel that with you, you go places sometimes by yourself, and I'm like, Kadeini has never done this without me. I get worried, but I've learned to respect that if we've worked on the foundation together, you'll be fine. But there's also too Okay, so they've mastered how to walk that path, but then so me is thinking, okay, they can walk the path

on their own. Now I'm worried about the people who are around them, the people who may see them, the people who may be driving by, you know, the people who might be snatching up people. Like it's just like a compounded layer. Every time I feel like, Okay, I'm confident with this, because my mom used to say it all the time. I'm not worried about you. I'm worried

about the crazy people out there, you know. And it's it's just really an exhausting space to be in and it takes a lot to really say to yourself, you can't be there all the time, you can't protect the way you want to all the time. But but my thing is, why not be proactive with those thoughts. For example, I get concerned about you know, the highest rate the child that has kidnapped the most in Atlanta, it's black boys.

That is a fact. You look it up. I'm not going to sit back and hope no one kidnaps my son. I'm going to teach my children tactics to avoid these things, and we're going to work on it all the time. And there's a reason why I feel like people like, man, my dad just be talking all the time. Everything's a lifeless everything. You know, everything isn't this everything? I just

like because there's so many different variables in life. If I see a chance to teach you about something, it rids me of my anxiety that you may not know and have to figure out on your own. So I'm always in a constant state of teaching so that I can feel comfortable when my children walk out in the world that we've gone over this. And if I notice something or if I see something that would give me anxiety. I don't sit back and go I hope my sons

don't go. No, it's like, yo, I'm worried about this, Jackson. Have you ever considered that this or have you ever worried about this? And he'll be like, I didn't think about that. And I said, exactly, I'm thinking about it. What would you do if this were to happen? What would you what would be your plan? And he'll be like, I'm not sure. I said, well, let's come up with

a plan together. I feel like that may be the difference between and I don't want to say moms and dads because I don't think you can put a gender on how people handle situations. But I do notice that your mom is a warrior and you're a worrior. My mother was a worrior. But my parents, my father, my uncle's, my granddad were all proactive and being like, this may happen.

Let's discuss this. You know, like one of my kids, he's well, not one of my kids, but one of the kids I mentor a ton of my mentor seventy five percent of them, or from single moms. Mom buys him a car, right buys him a car, gives him the car. Did you have any discussions with him about this car? No, I'm just so worried about things. So you just gave him a car. You didn't talk to him about how to deal with police. You didn't talk to him what happens if if the car is like

all the variables. You didn't. You just gave him the car, and you're worried about it. That's why you have anxiety. When my father gave me the car, my father sat down with me for about eighteen hours, discussed every possibility that could happen in this car, and by the end of it almost didn't want to call no more because I was like, Bro, all that shit could happened, But now I'm prepared. He walked through every from from the motor to the transmission to the car, everything the wheels.

How do you know how to change the tire? You know how to get to the tire, you know what the flat do? You know how? This didn't? And I'm just like, bro, let me figure it out. But now I understand why that was his way of dealing with anxiety. And I feel like men have a different way of dealing with anxiety, mainly because it's always been put on us through social conditioning. That is your responsibility to make sure make sure everything's okay. That that's what we're trained

to do, you know. And I feel like that's what's helped me in life. And things are changing now because as women have been in the workforce, there are a lot more men who are preparing their daughters. It seem like if I had a daughter, I'm not preparing my

daughter like the old school. Wait, remember when we were right, it was just like, well, figure it out because we did, which is crazy, Like you watch people who have children and it's like you have sons, and you prepare your sons for all of these things, and then when it's your daughter, just like you just don't. You just coddle

them and keep them away from everything. And I was talking to my grandfather about that and my aunts and uncles, and it was just like, yeah, they didn't have certain conversations with us as young women that they had with our brothers. And then it made me realize why so many women, for example, have anxiety. It's like you were not even prepared. It was always like someone's going to

take care of you. The world's changing now, ye, women don't want to be taking care of yeasts, like, oh, I think my anxiety kicks up the most now too. Aside from the kids and just life and worrying about them as a mom, it's just also too knowing that shit has to get done and living in this space of people wanting instant gratification, right, like you have to do something now. Everything could be very overwhelming, right absolutely, you know, you and I have realized that we've developed

anxiety just even with our phones. Yes, Like I sometimes seem like I hear my phone go off and I literally my stomach starts to churn, you know, or I get an alert and I'm just like, oh my God, like no, right with demor what does we nicknamed or demor what is it now that we have? Which is a total blessing because it's always usually great stuff happening.

But at the same time, it does not take away from the fact that it's just like, man, I have anxiety with just the fact that people need access to me now, and they want access when they want it, and God forbids you don't give them that access in that moment. It's just like, well, what happened to Cadeen? You know? I take a day or two off of social media people and messaging like is everything okay? And it's that we've conditioned people into that yes, because it's

crazy to me because it's now. It's like I feel like I'm in the space of now. I'm I have to uncondition y'all because if I want my space and I want my peace, I want it in that moment and it needs to be normalized that that's okay because I may be dealing with the high level anxiety on my end with everything else that I going on. But that's why phones have notifications. You can silence, that's exactly. You can put those things aside and say I don't

need to be checked on. I just need space and time. But I do appreciate people checking in because that means they're invested and not only what we can provide them with entertainment, but also they're invested in our health and well being, which I appreciate the shout out to y'all for checking in on it for sure, for sure, But sometimes it's like, man, I just need it. I just

need a moment. I just need a moment. There's a lot of things that's struggling, so I want to look at some of these myths, you know, because there's a good job of finding stuff for us to dissect and see what we think. Because you know, it's great to hear people's opinions about things, right, but everybody has an opinion. Let's see what's actually fact and what's real and what's not. So let's look at some of these myths. Number one,

anxiety is a choice or a personal problem. Many Black people believe that with the right attitude or prayer they can get rid of mental health. Mental health issues. Mental health conditions are serious health problems that a person cannot think or pray away. Let's talk about this, and this is important for us to talk about it as people who have faith, who've been raised through faith. Right, it is important for people to know being anxious it's very

different than having anxiety. Right, Anxiety is a disorder, yes, that is people are medicated. Yes, anxiety disorder. And people need to understand the difference because what happens, especially in the Black community, is now you anxious, man, let go and let God. You know what I'm saying, Okay, if I'm anxious, I can let go and let God. If I have anxiety, you know, that's that's something that's in me that needs to be addressed, and you can't pray or hope that a way. And I think people need

to understand the difference. The myth in the black community is that if you pray and you meditate, God will control all. But what they don't understand is anxiety a lot like depression, is a disorder that may be a chemical imbalance that you may have to go see a doctor too. Yes, you may have to go see a

doctor to speak about and get addressed. Right. One thing Black people also hate is to hear about medication because, and it's important to understand the history, young Black men and women are medicated at a higher rate than any other demographic in the country. And they started this as part of the look into the prison, the school, the prison pipeline. Right, it was at first as a child, they diagnosed you with a disorder, right, you ADHD or

blah blah blah blah blah. They give you medication. After the medication, if it doesn't work, then you oftentimes get in trouble detention. They said. Detention often leads to the detention center, which means that if you get young black people to be in trouble from earlier. You always have a record of how their behavior is mismanaged, and it's

easier to get them to prison from school. And because of that whole dynamic and that whole system that has been created, black people are afraid one of doctors and two especially medication. And then think about the levels of stress that we've had to deal with over years, like compounded, because when you look at anxiety as being a chemical imbalanced, they say it can be caused by severe or long lasting stress that literally changes the chemical balance that controls

your mood. Absolutely, so that experiencing of stress over long periods of time is a direct correlation between anxiety disorder. And what people need to understand is why, why why does have to be raced all the time? Right? There's a reason why there have been systems in place since we were brought over here in sixteen nineteen and some of us before that that have not allowed us to

flourish or even exist as regular human beings. Right, not to bore you with the Black history because I know it's Black History Month, but when you think about the enslavement of our people, then the Vagrancy Act, then Jim Crow Laws, segregation, then mass incarceration, the things that we've had to deal with to exist in this country, specifically, especially Black Americans, have created a PTSD because those systems

created the ghettos we lived in. Those systems have created the disenfranchising of our people that most of us have known now to be normal. And if we created our own communities, they were burned down exactly so, and it's important for you to talk about that because people say all the time, well, how come Black Americans haven't figured out a way to pick themselves up by their bootstraps

and be successful. We have several times, and if you think, if you go and google the drowned Cities, these are drowned cities of African Americans who were successful, whose cities were either bombed, burned down, and then drowned to create other opportunities for white settlers who were here. So this whole idea that black people just need to figure out on their own how to get themselves out of their

plight is just not real. And that also attributes to the PTSD because there's always this fear when you exist in America that my blackness is going to be my downfall because someone else doesn't want me to be successful, and that is a real fear, and when you were born with that fear, even the discussion you have to have with your children about being black in America and

dealing with police. When you listen to other demographics except for brown people, of course, you know Latin X people have had similar situations, especially more recently in America, dealing with the same ghettos and stuff like that. But the causation of everything that we've been through now after four hundred years of the enslavement of our people and the disenfranchising our people, have created a realistic anxiety. And it

all stands from our living situations. For example, you don't grow up on a farm watching your parents build their own business. You grow up in the ghettos. You live

in cities where we're on top of each other. If you had to live in an apartment building or a project house, you have someone on top of you, underneath, to your right, into your left, simple things, waiting for the elevator, alternate side of the street, parking, dealing with violence and poverty and militarization of the police outside of your home. That is not normal. People don't have to

live like that. But in the black communities a lot of times just like, oh, that's just that's just flatbush, you know what I'm saying. Yeah, you know what I'm saying that having that conversation with my parents, are yo, tuck your chaining when you go down here, or don't wear this color when you go in that neighborhood because those are things that cause anxiety. Oh, for sure, he

just can't exist freely. You know what I found pretty interesting too when I looked up like what's the anxiety disorder and like what group or demographic has it more likely than others? It's usually women in adults under the age of thirty five. I think about even just now, that was a report that was done in twenty sixteen, so we were in the thick of things when it came to social media, right, So I think about the added layer, Oh what social media causes on that demographic.

Because you are now having access as teenagers to social media, you're trying to figure out who you are, find yourself with this oversaturated market of information that's in your face daily, you can understand why there's a direct correlation between the increase of anxiety disorder amongst people under thirty five. We're

still trying to figure it out. Like I think my anxiety in addition to becoming a parent at least and some markets have started to kind of tank as I became surer of myself, like I know who I am, you know, for the most part at this age, depending on the day, but I know who I am, so that anxiety that I have about certain things when it comes to career or just life or work, I can navigate a little bit more freely around. But that under

thirty five demographic, I feel bad. Yeah, it's going to be a tough time trying to figure out who they are because you're in a constant state of comparing your real life to someone else's highlight reel because that's what you want. Sides. On top of that, you're being fed a lot of negativity for sure, you know, like when we were growing up, you had to look and search

and find things. But when you have this phone now you can just open it up, and now you're being fed so many thoughts and ideas that can create anxiety. Think about when we had to put a cap on Jackson with YouTube watching yes, because he was watching sports highlights and he was starting to get into this rabbit

hole of injuries, yes, and watching people get injuries. Yes, And then he would go to play a game or go to work out and he'd be timid and we're just like, bro, why, We were like, why doesn't he have that like dog in him? Where's that? And it's because he's playing timid because he's like, oh, I saw such and such did this crossover and he rolled his ankle and now he's out. And that's literally what was consuming him. Yes, playing in fear because he feared injury. Yeah.

So I'm like, bro, that information that's being fed to you is going to become your reality. At some point you have to We had to stop that. Yes. And it's important for parents to also making sure that they're tuning in to what their children are watching and stuff, because it can be hard and it can seem impossible sometimes with as much access as they have. And you know what's crazy, the older generation felt like that with us when it came to television and then when it

came to computers. So it's like every generation, as technology gets better, which is supposed to be for the enhancement of human the human race, there's always this fear that with the greater the technology the greater the anxiety because now you have access to too much information, and that overload of information, if you don't have the emotional capacity to understand what it is or the mental fort two to what's the world, I can think to filter it properly,

it can be overwhelming and cause anxiety. And like I said before, does it cause you to be anxious? Actually cause anxiety? And I think we as parents have to learn how to manage that with our kids and even ourselves. For sure. For sure I know how to spot it too, right, because we said the manifests itself differently in different people. So here's some other myths. Psychological differences are natural, that's

the myth. The truth is some psychological ailments, such as anxiety, can be brought on by environmental factors, which is what we talked about. Black children do not experience mental health problems. That is a myth. Children can and do phase mental health issues. Yeah, that is important for people to understand. Stop thinking your children are lying. But that's also too why I feel like you need to have the conversations over and over again with your kids, like you need

to investigate how they feel. You need to talk about it, because no longer are we doing the whole kids need

to be seen and not heard thing. And some people may not agree with that, but for us, at least we know within this household, it is important for all of our voice to feel like they are allowed to be vocal, that we can hear them, we can help them kind of dissect their feelings and what they're going through in certain moments, Like that's super important as parents to be able to kind of help them build that emotional compass, if you will, with how to deal with

their feelings. But I also think that understanding that anxiety is not all natural, that it's also nurture, parents can also learn to do a better job to not create anxiety. And you know what I'm saying, Like we we even talk about that with your Literally, my mom is a warrior, she is a worrior. She's always gonna work, she's always gonna think the worst. Like that's just how she's always been. And I might have inherently got some of that from her. But she helps us a great deal in the morning,

for example, with getting the boys ready for school. And my philosophy is when we're getting the boys out the door in the morning, I want them to leave the house feeling invigorated and feeling like they can tackle the world. And anytime they're walking through the door, the first the last thing I say to them is go be great today, Like that's what I want for them. But I realize that sometimes in the morning, like you know, it's just the looking at the clock, you have three different kids

to get ready. Who needs lunch, who needs what? And sometimes my mom gets a little flustered, you know, and her being flustered, in turn makes the boys flustered, right, And this is how they're starting their day, and this is what they're taking to school with it. I feel like we need to set the tone when they leave the house first thing in the morning, to set them up for success because they're battling and tackling so many things when they finally get out there in the world.

You know. So I'd say to her sometimes like okay, relax, Like okay, they're running five ten minutes behind. It's all right, it's all right, we'll be fine. We'll make it up on the ride to school. Or you know, there's little ways to just kind of help to deflect, you know, that excitement, so that way the boys don't absorb all that. So before we go take a break. So we gotta take a break before you get to listen to letters. I want to talk about what we do to help

remove anxiety from our lives. Right. I know for a fact one thing I am big on is I don't ever want my wife to deal with anxiety. My focus was to create I don't want to say soft, but create the softest life I could so that my wife could be free and live comfortably. Same thing from my children. Do you think about that as a wife, like, how were you going to remove anxiety from the house for

your husband? Absolutely? I think I've been thinking about it more recently too, because a lot of it for me, I realize has become like an attitude shift or picking my approach to certain things. For example, we had a crazy twenty twenty two. I had to pack at one point for all six of us to do this travel show. Yes, you remember that was a lot, and it was a lot, a lot going on. There was a lot of travel, a lot of back and forth, a lot of packing,

unpacking and repacking. And I remember coming to you and being like, have to pack for all these kids, and I have all this stuff and I can't find this and I'm trying to do that. Da da da, And Ivo was just like, I understand, okay, but a this is your task, because we all had our tasks right to you that this is your task. Two, we're doing a travel show with our kids, Like, this is an awesome opportunity for us to go and have a good time with the boys. You complained about not spending enough

time with them when we travel. We are traveling on a show with the boys. How about you take the approach of you know what, I'm gonna throw some outfits in there. I just can't wait to get to wherever I'm getting too. As long as I have my boys and my husband with me, who cares what we're wearing, right, you know? And I was just like, you know what, You're absolutely right about that. So notice how I've been times that we've had to pack it. I don't complain

about that stuff. My husband. Okay, I know he's about to go film, so he needs to be in the best shape possible. Am I going to add to his stress and anxiety by throwing a fit every time he says, okay, you know we are the time we're going to the gym today because we know we're trying to do this together. I'm trying to get myself in shape. You're trying to

get yourself in shape. So how do I now make it an easier situation for both of us by not adding stress and worry to you having to worry about me in a moment where you're trying to take care of yourself. You know what I'm saying. I get it.

So it's all about your approach to every situation. I approach the situations if I can control my approach and really just be like Kadeen, are you over here throwing a fit about something that a other people would love to have the opportunity to do or be your You can set the tone for your family and your kids and your husband and the way they feel in this moment. Why not just choose to do that? Some things became

a choice for me. So ultimately you just choosing to not project your anxiousness right onto the people around you that you love. Yeah, and then an attempt to remove all aspects of anxiety that could exist in the house, and then not having that anxiousness projected back on you but myself, right even just for myself right, because I'm

finding ways to deal with my anxiety. I could alleviate anxiety from you guys, and then just take it all on myself and be like, oh my god, I'm gonna crumble inside because I've taken it off of everyone else. But I realized a lot of my anxiety was coming

from feeling overwhelmed and feeling not prepared. And when I just took the approach of like, Okay, things are going to get done and the time it needs to get done, let me reprioritize, let me figure some things out, let me delegate, let me ask for help when needed, then anxiety levels tended to decrease. Oh I see, I see. It's funny to hear you talk about certain things because we don't really have discussed this. You just see changes

and you're like, what be your thought process here? But now I see because I was kind of I was even talking in trouble last night, and I was just like, if you notice, couldeine being a gym? Like she was just going in by herself wearing the past. I had to be on her about being in a gym, and then it becomes an argument. But that also goes to

the nurture, right. I remember, I just apologized to you the other day because I realized how much I was probably causing you anxiousness, which could lead to anxiety because I was just on you about everything, and a lot of times that came from insecurities in myself and be projecting. For example, um, when we were having financial issues everything,

you should take me off like always on edge. So because I'm on edge and you're the closest person to me, the only way I could like alleviate some of that was to pretty much projected on you like you seem like you was blamed for everything, and I had apologized to you about that too. It's like that I'm probably created so much anxiety and my wife because she felt like she couldn't do anything right because no matter what she was doing, it was wrong and it literally had

nothing to do with you. In a moment, it was just thank you for acknowledging that because a lot of anxiety came from me trying to keep up with you. I get it. I get it, and I think that helps too in relationships when you can realize, like dang, I created a very unhealthy, unsafe space for my partner because I just put so much anxiousness on them, and to be honest, man, it's just there's no need for it.

But until you learn how to cope with your own anxiousness or anxiety, you tend to just throw it on other people. You know. I feel like this because of you, And I realized that that's what I was doing, you know, from like my twenties, like my early thirties, when I was trying to figure things out, and that fear of not knowing, or that that fear of the unknown and not knowing how to get through certain things. It was just like, I feel this way because of you. I

can handle everything I can control. Of your the reason why I feel like this, But think about it. You had asked me recently. I think you had said something to like me at some point, and I might have gotten like terry eyed about it. And then you had said something to Jackson and he started to cry. And then I forget who else you were talking to about something, and they also got emotional, and it was mom or

denor or something like. They got emotional and you were just like, yo, why is it that every time I just express how I feel to someone, they get terry eyed and they want to cry. And I was like, because like we feel like a like we're disappointing you, like we're not adequate enough, Like we're not reaching to your level or standard of excellence. And we know that

you're excellent because you've proven to be excellent. So it's like you have everyone around you trying to, you know, meet you where you are, and if you fall short, you're just like damn, You're feeling like you're just being in disappointment, and that creates a level of anxiety in the people around you, because we just want to be able to be good enough. We want to be able to make you proud. We want to be able to match the efforts that you put out, which we've seen

have made you so successful, you know. So that also was adding a layer of anxiety, I think when we look at dissecting like us, the kids, the household and stuff. So it was also it was also the pressure I was putting on everyone else to meet the standard right and continue in the process the same way I did the process exactly. I think that was the greatest thing. I think when you realize, okay, everything can be attainable, but everyone has a different process, then it was like, oh, okay,

so everything's gonna get done. Maybe not in the manner of time frame that you would do, but it's gonna get done, you know. And once we realize that, then it's like, okay, everyone's moving, you know, according to how they see fit. And the balls weren't getting dropped well, I mean balls always getting dropped in this house. Well, yeah, you know, that's one thing I'm never anxious about it. All Right, y'all, We're gonna go take a quick break and pay a couple bills, and we will get back

into listener letters when we return. All right, y'all, we're back with listener letters. I'm gonna dive ride in. Hey, y'all, I am a new listener and I've been listening to I've been listening to binge listening at work, been binge listening at work. Love you guys, connection and how you both love each other. But I need y'all help. I'm twenty eight and I have one child. I've been dating this guy for going on three years. I know, shit weird and makes no sense. Probably, Oh no, you've been

dating for three years. He's thirty one with no kids. Prior to dealing with him. I just got of a physically, emotionally and financially abusive relationship with my child's father four years and never once I believed claimed he claimed me to be his girlfriend. Things with this guy have been good, great, even I'm happy on all levels. I know for sure I'm the only person he talks to, and I only talk to him. We talk about the future, we go on dates, vacations, etc. But he says he doesn't want

a relationship due to trust issues from his past. But here we are, three years later. I feel kind of foolish for waiting around without certainty, but I don't really have a reason to walk away. He wants to go with the flow, but I've been flowing and just curious

when and if I should start pressing the issue. I told him I loved him, and he set it back and I expressed that he felt the same, but he's still not emotionally But he is still emotionally not expressive, so I just stopped saying it to see if he would hasn't happened. We're private, but not secretive. He's only met my son. I've met no family. He says he doesn't bring girlfriends around. He met my son for the first time this Christmas by his choice, and brought him

thoughtful gifts. But I'm just genuinely confused because he doesn't vocalize his feelings towards me. What should I do or what can I do to get him to be a little bit more comfortable pressing this is what I feel. I feel like I feel like she's tiptoeing, and it's like I should try. What should I say? When is the right time? This is the season I'm in. I'm telling people how I feel, what I need, what I desire,

and I'm asking the same thing in real time. If we are in alignment, let's rob If we're not in alignment, let's both make the choice to do what's best for either one of us. Like the whole idea that there's a certain time or this is the right way, No, this is your life. You have one inaliable right, and that's to survive by any means necessary and have fun doing it. If you feel a certain way, if you feel uncomfortable, express it to him and how he responds.

Take it for what it is. Accept it. If he tells you who he is, don't be upset, don't judgment. Be like Okay, cool. If it works for you, we're here. If it's not, we move on. Yeah, Because I'm also wondering what exactly it is you're looking for, because you didn't really express it in here. Are you looking to be exclusive? Are you looking to are you dating with the potential for marriage right? What exactly is your desire

here too? Are you just wanting him to express how he feels so you can move forward accordingly or not? I think you need to have a clear vision or clear image of what you want first, and after having conversations with him, does it align or does it not? Because one thing you got to do is believe people when they tell you who they are. And you can't

try to convince him otherwise. If he's saying that he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he doesn't want to be in a relationship, you can't convince him of that. He needs to be convinced or changed and that he decides, yes, I do want to embark in a relationship that's exclusive, and then you can join him in that. Stop trying

to change people's minds. I think that's what a lot of people nowadays try to do, is feel like if I double down, or if I pivot this way, or if I say that, if I do that, it's gonna make this person change your mind and get on board. Someone's not gonna get on board a train that never was going to reach the destination they wanted in the beginning. So yeah, speak with him, have the conversation, but no exactly what you want out of it, and don't waiver in that may not be the right match for you.

If that's the case, I agree with that. Good luck to you. Hey, Codeine and de Val, what's up. I'm a young woman aged twenty three in a monogamous relationship with a young man aged twenty y'all, babies, I love y'all and have put him onto y'all as well. We pre ordered hard copies of your book to read together. Our relationship is fairly new. Our one year anniversary is

in February. We have almost completely different personalities and outlooks on life, but somehow find ourselves having the same goals. We find ourselves in clashes about the smaller things more than big things. Although our relationship is new, we have both stated we want longevity for a lifetime and to build a family. Even though growing pains be whooping our ass, been there through everything. I take consideration of him first with whatever I do. I feel as if he doesn't

do the same for me. What advice can you give as we continue this journey when we're feeling unconsidered as well as for a healthy relationship. Wow, that's literally like looking at Val and I back at that age. One year in is no time zero. Give each other grace to figure out how to love each other and who you are. Yes, yes, you have to figure out who he's twenty you're twenty three, like he can't even drink yet? Figured out right, y'all, haven't I look at myself? I

just told kay this the other day. I was listening to the audiobook as we were recording it, and I said to Codein, I don't know what you saw in me at twenty two, because I did. I don't like who I was then looking at it now, I don't know how she could ever like me. So give each other grace, Be open and honest about what you want and what you need in real time. This is what Codeine and I've been doing from the beginning. I told

her I didn't want to be a boyfriend. She told me she didn't want to be someone's girlfriend, so he was like, okay, cool, let's have fun. And through that process of having fun, we loved. We learned how to love each other. And there were times where we didn't love each other the same way at the same time, and we expressed that to each other and we figured out how to make it work. So give each other time, grace, but talk openly. Yeah, for sure, like lots of conversations.

What was not brutal honesty? Um? Oh, shoot, wouldn't you just say radical transparency? And I love that. Shout out to Tiffany and Leja radical transparenci transparency. Yes. And the reason why it's called radical transparency because the truth doesn't have to be brutal, but it can be radical in the fact that most people don't like telling the truth. And that's the only reason why it's called radical. And it's transparency because that's how you feel. Let them see

right through you. Be like yourself, don't be like anybody else, do it, baby, And I don't know. It's hard to try to grow as individuals and together at the same time while you're trying to figure things out. So just take your time, baby, take your time. All right, y'all. If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A d A S s A d V I c E, because sometimes they'll be beginning the E at gmail dot coming time.

We're talking anxiety, being anxious, anxiety disorder. Knowing how to decipher what's what? You got a moment of truth for them? Maybe? Yes. The first part of my moment of truth is this is a two part Number One, understand the difference between anxiety and anxiousness. Sometimes it's okay to not try and self diagnose and go see someone so you know if you have a chemical imbalance or if you're dealing with just anxiousness is something that you can actually work yourself through.

First thing is understand the difference and get help if you feel like you may have anxiety and not just be anxious. Number two moment of truth. Realize when you're creating anxiety and other people? All right, some things, especially if you're in a relationship or in a family, or you're in a work environment or you're around friends, it

ain't always about you. Sometimes you got to look in the mirror and be like, I'm either one creating anxiety around the people and I love and if you are, learn how to channel that energy that's causing anxiety to other people and and put it towards something productive so that the people around you can look at you as an object of love and not an object of fear, which I know I was for a lot of people, and I'm constantly trying to change that. Now. I love that.

That's a little bit of self reflection moments they're wrapped up in for you. I think my moment of truth is that anxiety goes along the lines or concurrently with boundaries.

So I feel like if you set boundaries, which is a big term I think now for our generation, knowing when certain situations, certain people, certain scenarios cause you anxiety or you see a flare up in that, knowing when to put the boundary boundary up, when to separate yourselves from people in situations that cause that, to protect your own peace, because a lot of things I think can be almost self inflicted or not really self inflicted, but

inflicted by others around you, Like but you're allowing it in, You're allowing you right, and it self's likely because you're allowing it to then, you know, disrupt your piece. So anxiety and boundaries go hand in hand, y'all, and learn how to how and when to exercise those. I like that. I like anxiety and boundaries go hand in hand. I like that. That's a good moment of truth. Thank you baby. All right, y'all, be sure to find us on Patreon if you have not yet. There's so much great exclusive

dead as podcast video content for you guys there. We have live shows, we have lots of family stuff that we're packing into Patreons, so be sure to sign up for that if you have not already, and you can find us on social media on Instagram dead Ass the podcasts I'm Kadine, I Am on Ig and TikTok and I Am Devout and I Am not on Teamtalk so I'm too old for that. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe dead Ass, y'all.

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