Smart People Make Dumb Choices

a form of therapy. Wait, I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. That ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one and the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow

talk to our whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. So when I played ball, I'm not gonna say where because people be nosy, they'll probably google it though. There was a young man who used to hang out with a particular group of ladies. I'm not going to say what their occupation is, but you can use your imagination. And typically in the off season, he spent a lot of time with these young ladies. One day, who're coming in for O T S. And do was late. Get

a phone call. You know, all the guys in the group get a phone call. Have you seen so and so? Nobody's seen someone, So finally we have a team meeting. So and so was part of a pushing robbery m and apparently these young ladies that he had been bringing back over time, they all fell asleep. He and the young ladies together, and when he woke up, they were

young men in his apartment. It rans acted, asked him for the code for the safe, took everything he was paid, and he wasn't really concerned about the things that he was concerned, you know, he wasn't concerned about his materialistic things, nothing like that. But then when he came into the locker room after that, his first statement was, that's why

you can't trust bitches. And my first thought process and that was can we not trust bitches or should you not trust the type of bitches that you'd be around all the time. You know what I'm saying, guy, dead ass. Let me know thenn na from niggah me who what these bitches from my nigga? Who can yo tell me? But from me? Baby, tell me what you want from me? It was Brenda, Letitia, Linda, Felicia shan on that and Delicia. Yo. That is one of the most classic songs. That's great.

I look, you wish my name was in that, but I know Kadina coming enough to probably make it coming. Shout out to DMX, resting p shout out to Cisco. You know I couldn't wait. Um so like it got to the point where he was like, um, one thing, you gotta know, I'm a big a player for life. That's like a classic R and B moment. It's the classic moment for that. Baby. Let's take a quick break, yes, and we'll come back and see how we can apply

this DMX song. And you're sound about in your story to everybody, got choices and how the hardships that we're facing are directly defined by those choices. All right, So stick around, we'll be back. So we're back, guys, and the reason why I chose that song for karaoke is because we're talking about choices, right, And one thing DMX kept saying was that he kept saying different name, name

after name after name. Right, And that's gonna take me to story time, because in the story time, this particular teammate of mine always had choices, and he he used to run through the names of the chicks that he could talk to, what had access to until he got robbed and then it was just on some fun these bitches type ship. But I'm gonna pose this question to you, coulde how many women do you think the greatest bachelor

of all time has dated? Like Wilke Chamberlain. Right, Will chamber Will Chamberlain is known to sleep with a thousand women. A thousand women. Right, Even if Wilke Chamberlains slept with a thousand women, we don't know. Some of it could be it could be a facade, it could be a folk tale. But what if he did, right, what percentage of the population is those a thousand women that he slept with. It's a very small percentage. It's still less

than one percent. So with that being said, right, when a man or a woman stands up and proclaims that they know everything about the opposite is sex based on their own experiences. Can we really believe that they know

what they're talking about? I mean, that's very factual, and like we were trying to say for this show, choices are are intentional, and then you have people who just like mistakenly end up into these situations that they claim our accidents, right, But it's not an accident if you're picking the same kind of or same type of person over and over again. So, um, I think it's important for us in this show today to just that's like what that looks like? No, No, the first first thing

is we can put certain things to rest. Things. There's nobody on the planet that can stand up and say they know how the opposite sex acts all the same sex acts based on their personal relationships. So when people say that we can stop arguing with people, let's say I know because I've been through this, right, And we're talking about even if someone's dated a thousand people, right, most people in the span of their life having dated a thousand people, right, so they probably dated five I'll

give you ten. Is just like smash. I'm talking dating in relationships because purposeful relationships. And the reason why I bring this up is because even with that young man, because at the time we were having these conversations, I was twenty two, was in the NFL, is twenty two.

He was young too. But to sit up here and say that like something like this is why you can't trust bitches based on the women that you've dated, really says more about the type of women you choose to date and less about the women that exists in this planet. And it goes both ways, because a lot of women sit our hand and say, what niggas ain't shit? What

type of men are you dating? For example, if you are a young man and you're in your mid twenties and you go to the same club and you meet the same women the same age, at the same club, doing the same thing every Saturday, ultimately you're dating the same type of person. Now, they may be different areations of who that person is, but if you're at the same place, doing the same thing and you're getting the same result, that means you tend to pick the same

type of person that's man or woman. So you mean he needs to change your venue. Yes, that's one way.

Change the venue also, or change the type of date, change your approach, because if you're if you're getting access to these women and you're approaching the same way, that means you're getting the same response off of that approach, which means, if this is the approach that gets this woman's attention, I'm dating the same person using the same approach, and if the same result keeps happening, at some point something has to change. And it's not the fact that

you you know, it's it's women or as men. You have to change how you choose or the discernment you have when picking a significant other. So I feel like some people are just for punishment in that though, right,

because I know a couple of people. One person comes to mind immediately, and we always think there's so many people in this world, how does he end up with the same kind of woman who seems like they come from the same place, the same area broken, it's like the same baggage, right, mint right, And it's just like, okay, now clearly it's not them, yes it's him, But what in that is advertising? Like, what in that scenario makes him feel like this is this is it for me?

This is this is worth going through another round of this knowing that the outcome, like you said, may not be the same result, but it's giving familiar and I can't understand that well what I've deduced because I'm not a doctor and I'm not an expert. Right, the first thing you say is that no one is an expert or anything, so then you can you speak as if you're an expert. I'm not an expert, but what I've seen from my my friend groups, right, is that men

in particular get into a routine that's comfortable. And when you get into a routine that's comfortable, the way you are received by other people will determine who's going to um accept your advances. You see what I'm saying. So, like I said, if you do the same thing and you're comfortable saying the same thing and meeting the same people, um, you're only going to get a response that's receptive from

a certain type of person. And unless you're comfortable changing your approach, which most most men once they get comfortable in there. And I'm I can only speak from a man's standpoint, right, because we are tasked with being the person to approach a woman, whether be at a bar or a party or at a club, and most guys have they go to like this is this is what I'm going to do. Right, If you're approaching ever changes, you're always gonna find the same type of person, that's

the bottom line. And also, how deliberate are you about being different within the relationship if it gets to that point, or are you exuding the same behavior and then in response getting the same behavior from these women and then saying it's all them, whereas you can't expect a different response from them if your behavior continues to stay the same. For example, I got buddies who choose not to be exclusive with women, right, that's they make it clear. I'm

going to be upfront and honest with these women. I don't want to be exclusive. I just want to have a good time and do X y Z. Right. But then what happens is he he has a certain type of woman that he likes. He likes high class women who like to do high class women things. Right, But then we'll complain these bitches a gold diggers. Now here's

my thing. You made it very clear in the beginning that you're gonna tell these women that you're here for a good time, not a long time, and you don't want to be exclusive, So you have your things, you want to get out this relationship, they have theirs. He got upset because some of these women, not one. Some of them all requested that if we're going out on the date and as simple where I have to be,

you gotta get the uber. Now, his approach has always been to show them, even though he's not a celebrity, that he's you know, not well off, but he's doing okay, show him a good time. So if you show a woman that you're here for a good time, not a long time. You like to do things, nice things, you like a woman likes to do nice things, and you're looking to gain something, preferably sex. There are women out there to be like, I'm cool to play this game.

You're gonna get my car, you're gonna take me out to dinner, we're gonna go on trips and we can have a good time. But then, right right, pretty much gonna play for the pool. You're gonna play for the pool. Right. So but then he gets upset and said stuff like this is why I treat these women like this because they all the same, they all want the same thing, And I'm like, dude, how can you even say that, like, how can you say that? Conversely? Right, I have a

home girl that's I'm not gonna say. She's in the industry. She makes a lot of money as well, right, But she's also looking for the type of man that can give her the same type of life that she can give herself because you want to date at the same level, which is fair. I think that's fair. Ain't wrong with that. But she also has been very honest and be like, yo, I can do for myself. I don't need no man to do anything for me. I got my own money,

blah blah blah. So when she goes on dates, the dudes oftentime will be like, okay, so is this date on you? And then she'll get upset and she'd be like, I don't know what's wrong with these niggas, Like every time we go on the date, they hesitant about the wallet because I said, well, hold on, you always lead with I can take care of myself. I'm independent, I can do what I want. But then you want him

to pay for everything. That's not gonna work, he said, all these niggas, And she's like, all these niggas is like that, and I'm like, you keep picking the same type of guys and you keep reading with the same approach, because some some people might take it as afense. You know what I'm saying. Like a woman, for example, like she's made it clear that she can take care of herself,

she can do for herself. So you have a first date, or you have a couple of dates in and it's just like, oh after even with us, after a couple of dates, I was like, yeah, I got it this time, you know. And I don't think you were offended in that moment. But some women may take offense because they feel like, oh, this guy is trying to you know, um flexes his muscles, or he's trying to be male dominant in this situation, so he wants to pay for it. Even think about when you had to hold the door

for someone one time. You know, it's like you're trying to be a gentleman. But if you're not a gentleman. Yes, guys, guys, let me tell you what happened. It's it's it's rougher here in this world. It's confusing as hell. I'll say that it was a group of US men and women. I got to the door first, I held the door because I got to the door first, some women walked in, some men walked in. When it got to her, she says to me, I don't got time for your micro

aggressions today. And I was really like perplex confused. I said, excuse me, and she was like, yeah, I don't have time for your micro aggressions day. I can get the door for myself. So I was like, my bad, Like I just I was holding the door for everybody, not just you. And she was just like, I've existed in the patriarch long enough. I understand when someone is trying to set their dominance. So I said, cool, So I

let the door go right, let's do go. Then we were on our way home and I so she's taking the train. So they're like, hey, is everybody okay they get home blah blah blah blah. Im like, yeah, I live in Brooklyn. You know what I'm saying. I'm just top on the the what is it, the Western Highway at home. She's like, oh, I'm headed that way too. I get a ride. I was like, I don't got

time for your microaggressives today. She was like, what do you mean, I said, because of the patriarchy I don't want to make you feel like you're not equal to me. So I'm gonna take my ride and you can take yours, period, so that that uh the train and I'm petty, I ain't gonna lie. It was a real petty thing for me to do. That was a great moment, but but I was still kind of like like upset, but then also thinking about if that's her approach to when she

meets guys. Right, it's till in the very beginning put that blindness in, and then when guys approach her with the same energy, she's then going to say, all niggas ain't ship. But if your approach it's fucked up, your responses you get are gonna be fucked up. And I think a lot more people need to take inventory to their approach and the type of people that they are addressing and attracting, because that says a lot about you.

If the same thing keeps happening to you with every single person you date, at some point you gotta say, wait a minute, wait a minute. And then if that's the case accepted for what it is, Yes, if that's just the kind of person that you're pulling each time, that just maybe what you're into today. Don't don't call me complaining about it either, because that's clearly what you're looking for, and that's clearly what you got right. It's facts.

Could have another homeboy who keeps he's our age, so he's in his mid thirties, and he keeps telling me single women out here dumb and have nothing going for themselves. Right, only women he date between twenty two and now. I'm not saying that all five year old dumb and don't have anything going for themselves, but I will say this, most of the people in the world we see between twenty two and twenty five are still trying to discover themselves,

for sure, you know what I'm saying. And if you're your mid thirties and you're only dating that age bracket and you're expecting to find someone in that age bracket who has everything in the world figured out, you're going to be lost because you're never gonna find that. Like even the greatest people of all time, we're still struggling

to find out who they were between twenty two. But that's just another example of people making choices and then being upset at everyone else because of the choices they make. That is so factual. Listen, we gotta just dive into just choices in general, right, talk about it. Let's talk about choices all right. So, like I said before, choices are intentional while mistakes are accidents. Right, And the wisdom to know the difference comes from the maturity to admit

exactly what it is. The choices we make impact our lives, whether we admit it or not, and the lives that we live or that we want to live, and lives the lives that we're happy in. Our choices must reflect our true desires. So how do we do that. Let's unpack it by asking the first question. Well, let's let's unpack that. First, choices are intentional. Mistakes are accidents. Right. A lot of people make choices and try to mask

the mass mistakes. So, for example, um, in relationships, a person makes a decision, a choice to step out of his relationship, right, makes a decision. When they make the decisions. A lot of times if they get caught, the first thing they say is it was a mistake. I didn't mean to do it. No, that is a choice. You

decided to do this. The mistake was not doing it properly and getting caught that s was not a lotting for getting caught, right, But when you made that decision, you have to live with the fact that you made a choice. So one thing Codeine and I have decided to do in our relationship is we always say to each other when we make a decision that the other person doesn't agree with or isn't in alignment. Without relationship, we don't try to get a cop out answer and say, baby,

it was a mistake. It was like, hey, look this is the choice I made, and I made this choice for this reason. Right, we're not in alignment because of what you want in your life and what I want in my life. How can we get in alignment? And can you live with this choice? Or should we have to find something else? And that doesn't always have to be with Infidelita, that's good, that could be with anything.

I could do anything. You know, um, where you're gonna live, where you go to school, what time are you going to leave a party? You know, which friend do you want to hang out with in this week? Or you know. It's like there's so many different choices that happen over the course of a relationship that will reflect how you feel about your partner and the amount of respect you

have for your partner. Those are all choices. And every time you you get caught making a choice that your partner, your partner doesn't align with, it's not fair to say it was a mistake because it was a choice, right, because then this is a mistake, and then there's what the apology. And then, for at least with my husband, I know who I'm dealing with. You don't take apologies just off that you don't agree that you can just do something mistake or not and just say oh, I'm

sorry and this it'll it'll change, um. And also to when I think about it. That's why it's important for me, like I've said in the past, asked when something happens and we're not aligning on it, or is something that you wouldn't have done the way I've done, That's why I feel like it's important to have the discussion about why.

And I'm packing that why right, So it's like understanding where you come from, but then also saying like damn, I have to really sit here and unpack and let you know why I arrive at this result or ride at this decision. So it's not just passed off as just a random choice or as a mistake. Well, that's important for me. It is important because I can have empathy for a choice. Understand. Don't have to agree. I can have empathy for a choice and understand where you're

coming from. I can forgive a mistake. You see what I'm saying. You can't forgive a choice because that's a choice. There's nothing to forgive. That person made that choice, and you have to make a decision if that choice is in alignment with your life. But a mistake you can forgive. For example, you leave the house, You leave the house all day. You've been going seven eight hours and I

don't hear from you all day. If you have your phone on you and I'm texting you a only you and you're not getting back to me, you made a choice to ignore me, right. I have to then decide if I'm in alignment with that decision. You left your phone home. That was a mistake. So I'm texting and calling You didn't do anything purposefully, but you left your phone home. That's a mistake. There is a vast difference between making a choice to not answer a phone and

then leaving your phone at home. Unless you made a choice to leave your phone home. And at that point then we're back to well, I wasn't trying to get in touch with you, know how, And people need to understand the differences between making a choice and making the mistakes. That is spot on, my guy. So now shout out to because um triuble put these facts and stats up here.

I love Trouble because Trouble is the one who kind of keeps us to make sure we're saying things that are not just opinions, right, We're actually giving educated um analysis based on facts and stats. So, for example, why do smart people make dumb choices? Go ahead, baby, always ask this question. It's are people making dumb choices? And every now and again you get a dumb person making a smart choice either way. Um, Smart people often form their opinions based on their beliefs and the beliefs of

others with whom they share close ties. It's more important for them to make decisions that are aligned with their community's values then to make rational decisions. Now let's let's unpack that. What does that mean? For example, you know, for a fact, what's the right thing and what's the wrong thing to do? But say you're in a friend group, Well, your friends just decide that they just constantly want to

make poor choices, right. There are a lot of smart people who are easily influenced by their friend groups or their community because of things like, for example, tradition. Right, that's just the way we do things. And even though you're a smart person, smart people also realize, like, you know, what is it worth me stepping out of my moral

clause for this purpose just to appease my friends. And sometimes of people will be like, yeah, yeah, you know what I'm saying, Like I'm only with my friends with for this small amount of time. Let's just have a good time. That's what it is. Yes, something about to sound something you only love one so you know what the right thing to do is. But you know what, let me just make this decision because I'm having a good time. I'm in Vegas, I'm in Miami. There's drinks flowing, like,

let's just have a good time. So there are times with smart people make poor decisions based on influence, right, I mean, and the smart decision or the poor choice may be at all, well that ends well the type situation, and there's no repercussion for that. So in that moment. It's just like, hey, we had a great moment. It was funny. It's something to talk about later on. But will I repeat that moment? Maybe? Maybe not? What does

it become a repeat offensive situation? I'm glad you brought that up, since we're talking about relationships, right, you can't really get upset at someone from making a poor choice if they thought the choice was in alignment with their partner or in alignment with what they want collectively. Exactly.

You can't get upset though. If someone makes a poor choice, you have a discussion, you decided this choice wasn't the best choice for your partner or for y'all collectively, But then you still continue to make the same choice over and over again. That's where it's like, all right, I can no longer have empathy. I've already expressed that the choice you make isn't in alignment with what I want, So I'm going to move differently now when it comes to choices. Now, you have a right to make a choice.

If the person across from you continues to make choices that's in alignment for themselves and not for you, you then have to make a choice of whether you want to stay or not. You can't then put it on that person and tell them to stop. You can walk away, and if you choose not to walk away, that's on you, that's not on them no more, you know what I'm saying.

That's when you get to the whole. You know, when people show you who they really are, believe them, and having enough confidence and trust in yourself to believe what you see to move what's in the best alignment for yourself. A lot of people make poor choices by not doing that. I mean, it's the kind of case of your you know, female best friend, for example, complaining about the dude that's

been doing by her all the time. By girl, you know, we're gonna keep something the same thing over and over again. You're condoning behavior that's in turn maybe allowing him to think that this is okay, and you're stinking around for it. So why are we complaining. That's a choice that you're making, and by you making that choice is enabling him to make the choice to continue to treat you that way. It's a very vicious cycle, y'all. Very vicious cycle. Alright.

So moving on to why smart people make dumb choices. Second on the list, smart people may think that they know things that they really don't know. Over Estimating your intelligence can cause you to make choices without first examining your knowledge. It's interesting because you always say, what what I do know is what I don't know. Is that you know what one thing I do know is what I don't know? And then I don't know everything. And I got that from Confucius or things unsue. I read

a lot of books about philosophy. Alright, functually, the saying I think is a wise man once said nothing. Oh yet it right like that, a wise man once said nothing. And the thing, um, the lesson behind it is that you learn more when you listen, right, when you listen and observed, observe, and absorb. Overthinking can cause smart people to have choices be made for them that might be met.

When you think too much, sometimes you may end up not even making a decision, forcing someone else or the circumstance that you're in to make the decision for you. You know, my father drive me nuts with this point. You'all okay, my father, Papa, love him the death. We will be debating over something very very simple and and simple. Nothing can never be really simple in my family sometimes

like it requires so many steps. For example, we're deciding that we want to renovate the kitchen, so it's like, all right, everyone's an agreement with that. Right. Then it comes down to what color tile we should pick? Right, so you'll have three or four or five tow choices. We narrow it down to two with very little input from him. Now we're at the two right top two. Time to pick a tie. I don't really know which one. You know, both of them can work or none of

them can work. But like, all right, bro, what does that even mean? Both can work or none can work? Fine? So what we'll do? My mom, my brother, and my sister and I will be like, you know what, Hey, there are two shades of gray here. We're gonna go with the lighter shade of gray. So we'll make the decision. Right, We'll put down the light gray tie, pay for it to get done, all that good stuff. We stand back, we're admiring the place. Everyone's kind of excited about this

brand new, like great tie we got. And then what is my father say? Man? You know, if it was me I able to go the dark one, you know, and everybody wants to strangle him, because it's like, bro, oh, you're sitting over here overthinking this situation or not even thinking about it at all, because we're not even sure half the time what it is. But then when somebody makes a decision and makes a choice, you then will combat that by not saying, you know what, guys, I'm

glad y'all took that responsibility away for me. You did a good job because you know I could live with this light great tyler looks good. It's I would have went with the other one. But let me tell you where that comes from. Right, A lot of people don't really want to make choices. You want to know why. They don't want to be accountability for it there. But but you know what happens when they don't make the choice. They don't mind pointing out all of the flaws with

the choice you made. People in relationships. So it's just like you're not going to say left or right, but if we go right in this traffic, you know I should I knew we should have warn left. People do that gears like a person that I should have could have with a person you know what I call them? What backseat drivers? There are a lot of back seat drivers in right, and this is, this is, and this,

This analogy works for any type of relationship. Right. Backseat drivers like to sit in the back because it's safe back there. Right, there's no button suppressed, you don't have to handle the ox cord. If you're on the front, you're saying, you don't gotta drive, you don't gotta turn right or left, you don't gotta decide where we're going. You can just sit in the back and enjoy the atmosphere.

But you know what those people do when they sit back in the atmosphere, complain about every choice to people in the front. Mate. And the truth of the matter is there are a lot of backseat drivers letting life happen to them, right. You see how it's said it here. A lot of times when you don't make a choice, you allow the circumstance to make a choice for you. And when you allow the circumstance to make a choice for you, then you complain about everything that's happened. All

my life is messed up, Oh woe is me? You want to know why you never want to get in the front and grab the wheel and be the person to make the choice, because once you make that choice, you have to be accountable. That's true. I might even fall in this category, quiet as it's kept you all because what we're about on this podcast owning up to

stuff and accountability and speaking responsibility and I too. Really that's how sometimes me procrastinating with things I've gotten better, will be procrastinating with things I can see how it is then allowing a circumstance to happen to me or will leave me or particular parties involved scrambling in the end and causing major stress and major issues to get

something done. There's there's nothing there's nothing wrong with sometimes being a backseat driver in a certain situation, if you don't mind supporting the driver when they made the decision, for example, right. One thing I will say about you, you don't like to make a decision a lot of the times every time we come to we pick right. But once I say we go in this direction, you'll be like, all right, fact, this is the direction we're going,

Like okay, babe, how are we getting there? What direction we gotta go? What what color tiles are we going to use in the direction that we take? And the thing is, I learned to reciprocate that because I'm a control freak, right, I love to be in a driver's seat. But what I've learned to do is, and I think

it's important for people in relationships to hear. When you decide to be in the back seat and let someone drive, right, you now have a responsibility since you put that person in position to make a choice, is to be supportive of whatever choice they make, unless it's going to be a detriment to you them or you or them. Why

because y'all all headed to the same direction exactly. So if you're going to be a back seat driver, which I really like to call it a back seat driver at this point, but if you're going to be a navigator in that sense and not sitting the front the co pilot, everybody can't drive. It's okay if you don't want to make a decision right, let me copilot, right, let me cope. That's a better but co pilot to the person who you know is gonna drive you safely.

The person who might have passed driver said on the highway before you know what I'm saying, who got a good night's rest, who didn't have a drink before he sat down? And she sat down behind the wheel. So that comes with a layer of choice making. Choice making to the side, is this wise for me to even embark on this journey with this person? That's the key.

What you just said right there is the key. If you don't feel comfortable driving the car, make sure you use discernment with who you're gonna let drive you around. You know what I'm saying. At some point in life, you have to make a decision. You can't sit back and just say the universe is plotting against me. If the only way you're going to be successful in life, marriage, business, as a parent is if you make decisions and live and own up to whatever consequences come with the decisions

you make. Because there are no losses in life, there only lessons. So if there's a little bit traffic on that road you took, you can pivot find another road. But as long as the road don't end right and be okay, we're getting lost together, yes, you know, getting lost together and figuring it out. Some of the best times we had in life we were both lost because we didn't know exactly what decision was the right decision. So it's like, let's just make a decision and now

we're here and we had each other. Now we're here. It's not easier to to kind of feel like you're empowered to make a decision or not when you have a support system that's going to be there for you regardless too. You know, I can imagine how scary it is as a single or as somebody who doesn't have a support system to say, damn, this could be a make me or break new situation decision and I don't know which we should go. I gotta say this as a as a man who feels like I'm the leader

of my household. Right I feel confident in the decisions I make because I know that regardless of whether I'm lost or not, I have a co pilot who's gonna be there to support me regardless. I've been able to make decisions, make mistakes, you know, because sometimes when you make a decision and you don't have control over everything, or make poor decisions and always felt like you were going to be there. I think it's important for people who are listening to this podcast, who are in relationships

to understand what that looks like. When I walk out in the world, I never walk out alone because I know I got somebody with me. So for example, when they came time to the property in Michigan and and no, rent out the property in Michigan and moved back to Brooklyn. This is a decision. Was sold and sure about the decision. No, But I said, I have to make a decision, and I have somebody with me who's gonna rock with me

regardless of what this decision looks like. So when I made the decision to run out the property, move back, spend the money on the wedding, because ultimately, yes, I asked you what you thought, but it was ultimately up to me and I made those decisions. Hindsight, we were lost after that. We should have used that money a better way. But what did we do. We had each other's back the whole time and never once blamed the other. No, no,

whatever situation we were in now we were circumstances. Never there was never one person to blame, because I always knew, if anything, your heart was in the right place, if you were trying to make a decision, you weren't gonna, you know, purposefully bring us into you know, life of you know, broke dumb and ship. But it happens the

life of broke them and you're telling the truth. Because on our wedding veils when they said for rich Or poor I said rich Or Richard because I never intended for us to ever be in a space where I couldn't provide. And even though we weren't rich in those moments, you were still right there. And that also goes back

to choices. Right when you make a choice you got, they're gonna be moments where you're gonna look at your partner and you're gonna be like, you're the reason I'm in this motherfuone, right because and you've had those moments. I've had those moments right when you start the self loathing and you start the blame game. So when you're in a relationship and you get to that blame game portion of it, that's normal because K and I have been there. We're not gonna lie and sit here and

be like the whole time we were Hunky Dorry. Come on, come on, Kdelan, your choices, choric choices, your choice. No, there was a lot of times he was like the fun like, when right mind does that? Why would that? It was a mistake that I sliped the credit card and I just don't know what to keep happening. So the story keeps sliping the card and I don't know how to He's a mistake. He tripped and fell on the card. The card reader now is the tap joint

and making that much easier for you. Fall forward, tap charge, Ladies and gentlemen, Ladies and gentlemen. This was our life and in our mid twenties we made a lot of poor decisions and choices. We definitely did. But we have fun climbing out that bitch though, because we put ourselves in a lot of holes. Though, Like I can laugh about it now, you know, but during the time, and it wasn't funny. It was not funny at all. Listen,

we've ready to keep each other. When smart people don't have the resources or support to feel the privilege in making choices, they often are too tired, frustrated, or apathetic about making choices. I think that's what we just covered that as far as wanting to be able to make the choice, but just don't just fatigued, because life is all about choice. Every day. I gotta do this, I gotta do that, I gotta go here. What time I'm

gonna go? When are we going to play this? After a while, It's like, I don't even want to make these choices anymore. You know which, which choice for me kind of just falls under this category. I guess, um that has become very very munchy Jane and daunting. What's for dinner? What's for dinner? What you want for dinner? Nobody ever knows what they want for dinner. That ship is annoying. Make a choice, tell me, give me options the kids knowing what they want. You just don't like

the choice. They say, chicken fingers and frogs or pizza. It's not gonna fly every day. It's just not. It's just not. But what's wrong with chicken fingers and frouds every day? No, you need variety in your life. Yeah, you need some vegetables, you need some of the food groups in there. It's not not an option. And lastly, smart people come from different backgrounds and experiences. Your history

informs the choices that you make in the present. Being better choice, making better choices sometimes requires that you first face your past and heal from the things that have hurt you. That's the biggest one. Yeah, that's the biggest one. Um, Codeine and I have been trying to spend the last couple of years peeling back the layers of who we are based on where we came from, and we've realized, for example, I like to make choices and being controlled

because I hate that feeling of not knowing. Being in the NFL and having my livelihood taken from me without any like valuable explanation other than they just want to go a different direction. Made me feel like I was in the ocean with no life raft. You know, there was just so many variables I couldn't control, and now I'm stuck out here and I'm treading water. But when you're when you're treading water in the ocean and you can't see where the land is, you don't even know

what direction to swim. And when I first got cut from the NFL, not knowing what my second career plan plan was at the moment and trying to figure out, well, I know I want to act, but I don't know how to get there. To me, that felt like I know I want to get back to land, but I don't know which direction the land is, and if I start swimming, I could be swimming in the wrong direction,

you know what I'm saying. And a lot of times for people When you get to that point, it's like do I just drown or do I just pick a place and start swimming the hope that I am going to tell everyone you have to start swimming, because this is one thing I do know about water. There's land all around it. So if you swim long enough and you have much more determination then the waves, you will find your way back to land. And also you have to learn how to be peaceful and be still. You

know how the Bible says be still? You know why the Bible says to be still? Think about that same analogy. Right, be still, Let the universe take control. Right, let Jesus take the wheel. If you're out in the ocean and you just lay still on your back and you tread water, the current will ultimately take you to land if you

allow it. Sometimes, when you're so hardheaded about your choices and you just keep fighting fighting against the current, if you don't know where you're going, sometimes it's okay to be still and let God take over. Let go and let God. And I just want people to if you're listening to this, when it comes to choices, if you don't know, sometimes let go on that guy. You know that's amazing and not to laugh at your epic moment that you just made right there. I am envisioning. I

knew it. I knew he was gonna bring up that store here. I am trying to have a serious moment with the people you're gonna bring up Almost this was amazing, Devil, and it was a great way for you to tie that in and wrap it all up and put a bow on top of it. Almost died. You're making jokes, but devout y'all. When we were on our first trip together away out of the country, we went to Jamaica,

I took him back yard row all right. We were in the grill, went to real and we were on the coast, you know, got into a little glass was a glass bottom bom bottom PTSD from this just you know, along the coast, and the driver was like, you know what, I'm gonna take you guys to Rick's Cafe. Man, you can go and you can jump off the cliff and all kind of stuff. So we were like, oh, that's interesting,

sounds good talking to Nobody said that. It was us with like two other couples at the time of strange couples. We were in the boat with two other white couples. Okay, now, no, that is important. It's important because white people do white people ship, right, Like, if you're Asafar, you know what the white people are gonna do. They're gonna jump out the truck, go try to pet the lion ship. We're gonna keep out black asses in the truck. I like it from here, I'll take pictures in video. Right, So

I had no I had nothing in me. Wanted to get out this damn boat. But again, why do smart people make dumb choices? Because they bringing it back to exactly, bringing it back to point number one? Okay, aligned with their curt community values and the influence of being around other people. I can't believe the window so devot proceeds, y'all. I was peer pressured. I was peer pressured. All right. We were twenty two years old. Both couples are a little bit older, and I was in the best shape

of all of the men there. And we were doing the glass bottom boat and then we get off to do snorkeling, and I put the life vessel on the do snorkeling, right, And they were making fun of me because I had on a life vessel, right, They were like this big NFL every yeah, every day was making all sorts of jokes, and it's saying bro and laughing and calling me brown ships. I was getting pissed right. So, and while we pull up to Ricks Cafe, the kids were jumping off of Rick's Cafe and swimming up to

the boat for tips. So I see all of these young kids jumping off the boat and swimming to the boat or whatever. And then one of the guys just, man, we need to go jump off, right, And my first instinct is to be like, hell, no, I'm jumping off that cliff or getting out this boat. Right. Dude was smoking a cigarette. The other dude was smoking a cigarette. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's go. They both jump in the water and start swimming to Risk Cafe. Now at this point, look back

and the only guy in the boat. It's me. I can't be the only guy still on the boat, listen. I was content with you being there because I had that one thing to prove to these people because we didn't see him. Then see him again, you didn't, but I had to pool. I was doing this for your honor. I was doing this for your honor because your man can't be their own. They will be laughing back at you.

Want to resort. We was in re You then the grill and the re You and the grill, and I don't want to come back and anybody be laughing at you because your husband the re You without you. Imagine me going back to red You without you? What that looked like? Parents just be read? No, you would just be read by herself. So I'm like, how far could it be? It looked like it was about what two hundred yards? So I jump off the boat to both the boat. I'm swimming because I could swim, right, I'm

not Michael Felshim, So I swimmed. I put my head down. I swimmed for like smooth thirty seconds. I'm kicking and kicking. I'm swinging my arms right. I bring my head up. I look back. The boat is still right behind me. So I've gone nowhere, like I've done all this swimmen, and I'm still right my first So now I'm getting tired, but I pushed through. I keep swimming, keeps swimming. I end up swimming for about four and a half five

minutes straight. Finally got to Ricks Cafe. Right when I get there, both white boys jump off whoa, yeah, splash right, come on, come on, they go climb up again, jump off again. At this point I have a full body cramp, right, full body cramp from my toes all it to my eyebrows. My whole body is like like nas, you are staying on this rock. But I'm like, I gotta do this for my my woman, like it's for her honor. I

gotta make sure I don't look like a punk. Right, So I climb up there to ricks Cafe right, step off. Now the rest of them jump. There was kids jumping off the trees at the top of ricks Cafe. I was at the very edge of the low part. I jumped off right. Once I hit the water right, I don't remember hearing anything because I went deaf for a minute. Like that. You hit the water with such impact. It was like like you hear the ringing. And I still

can't breathe from swimming. Finally get to the top, climbed back out to the rocks. I'm so tired, right, and now I'm watching the guys that jumped off the boat with me. They're swimming back to the boat. Come on, let's come on, we gotta get back before Sunday. We gotta get back right, people laughing pointing at me. Huh, get him a life vest, Get him a life vest. So now I'm like, I can't be a punk now and get a light vest. Get a light vest. I

gotta swim back to the boat. I see Codeine screaming from the boat, yelling at the guy who was running the boat, y'all gotta get closer, go get him. Only I was I've seen the struggle in the panic in your face. And I was like, y'all have to take this boat closer. And he said, no, Mom, I can't. We're gonna look up ponder rocks to the man. Then well we have no boat no more. I'm like, great, So now we can't get closer to him. He clearly can't get to so I'm like, you have to have

a rope, you have to have something. I can throw nothing. So at this point I had to make a decision. I said, you know what, I'm gonna just go for the gust. Though, man, if I die, at least my wife could say she was my girlfriend the time. We weren't even wife, we were boyfriend girlfriend. My girlfriend could

tell everybody what happened. Because it was also the kids was pointing at me and laughing at me because they had jumped over the trees and I see the points and they was like and he was saying, like rocks cloud or something like that. And I was getting and I was getting mad because I heard rocks cloud puss over. I was getting pissed. So I jumped in the water, started swimming. Got a muscle cramp, right, says, shoot, I'm gonna have to backstroke, so I turned on my back

and I started floating. As I'm floating, I realized the current was taking me back to the boat, so I didn't have to do much swimming. Now here's the kicker, right, I float all the way back to the boat. I get there. I'm still tired, right, They're gonna say to me when I get there. Yeah. Man, we were wondering why you were swimming at the top of the water. But what you mean it was like the current. The current goes into ricks Cafe, bounces off the rocks and

pushes you back out. If you want to get to ricks Cafe faster, you go underneath the water and let the current from underneath. K That's why they got there so fast. Me at the top swimming. I was swimming against the current that was against the rocks and pushing back and that's what took me so long to get back. Man, I got back on that boat and passed, sure did. And then I was puking off the side at that point because after the rocky nous, I just had to make sure that he was back on the boat. And

then I was like, so ceasick. After that, I'm like, you know what, get us home. So that's a perfect example of smart people making poor decisions because they're influenced by their environment. Right who making smart? Neither? Clearly Jamaican kids were smart. They were talking a boys on the boat. They got their money. The one little kid was like, oh, puss old pussles. I want to fight him, but I had a full body cramp and d he was half your size. So how are we teaching our kids to

make good choices? That's a pretty good question, how our kids to make How are we teaching our children to make good choices? I don't know if this is something that we've deliberately. I don't think I've really thought about this yet, per se, Like, how am I teaching you

to make a good choice? I know I'm trying to in this moment, particularly with Jackson, for example, equipped him with every single scenario that I can think of sometimes to make sure that he's at least prepared and aware of how a choice that he makes will affect the outcome. It could be something as simple as an exam. Right, He's in middle school now, so this is a big jump, you know, socially, physically academically for him from elementary to

middle school. So one way, for example, I'm teaching him how to make a choice, right, he doesn't quite grasp the concept yet. In elementary school of just studying, you know, everyone has their different technique in way of staying. They have their you know, their tips and tricks or their tactics that help them to absorb information and all that.

So when I saw you know, newsletters coming in from his various subject teachers and stuff, and they're telling me when exams are happening and tests are happening quiz in the first month of s cool, I would notice, like, you know, I know Jackson has a science examp tomorrow,

but I don't see him studying. So so because it's new to him, you know, I make sure I have the conversation, and I'm like, hey, buddy, you know, now that you have these different teachers, different subjects, happening is going to require a lot of organization on your part. Got him a little student agenda like I used to have back in the day, and here's your your week. Is what your week looks like. You put your exams on the calendar, so you know when you have to

study leading up to that. But what I realized is that I cannot tell him how to be that kind of right. So what I did was instead say, hey, here's what worked for me in the past. You're going to develop your own system on how to study, and just make sure whatever system you develop is effective enough for you to bring home to A's because if you

don't bring home to A's is gonna be a problem. Right, So what ends up happening Jackson after knowing all of these things, because of course, too, I don't want to micro manage him, or I don't want to be that mom that's like helicopter mom trying to, you know, make all of the decisions for him. Because we've also seeing the detriment in children who have become adults where their parents were always making the choices for them, and then how here they are adults and don't know how to

even make a choice for themselves. So I never want that to be the case. But he'll know the consequence. So if you don't study for a science exam, for example, and you bring home at eighty, then you're gonna have to talk to me about why you brought home an eighty. Wasn't an eighty because you weren't prepared because you made the choice not to study, or was it an eighty because you genuinely didn't understand the stuff And you talk about eight with the disgust in your face. Absolutely absolutely,

I got a lot of eighties in my day. I'm doing all you're doing, all right, But the standard is you know what time it is? The kids be ready to cry? Yeah, no, I mean it's not that bad, but oh yes it is, Yes, it is it, Yes it is. Jackson is terrified to get anything below nine. And Cayro has gotten all hundreds on this for he's in kindergarten and he's got all hundreds so far. Like all he got to know is the color red is red. But if he don't, if he gets one wrong, he's concerned.

But there's a difference to me though, there's a difference in like so for example, when they do get something incorrect, or you come home with something in the eighties or seventies even right, because as we've been there with them, with Jackson particularly, it's more of a concern for me to say, Okay, is this material that you do not genuinely understand that we have to now get you a tutor or sit down and unpack why you may not understand this stuff or is it just from the choice

to just not study in that moment and just allow yourself take the exam. Let me tell you something and the chips fall with their main let me tell you what it is, right. And I've noticed this with with moms, my mom, with your mom, with most of the moms that I've helped, did I inherit me? Yes, you've inherit You've inherited right. Okay. A lot of times, you guys care so much about your children, right that you protect them from the consequences that come from the decisions they made. Right.

I'm trying what you can't do as a dad. I've heard other dad said the same thing, or he did that, let him do with it. And like, no, that's my baby. I'm gonna let him deal with it. One the way I'm teaching my boys how to learn how to make better choices is teaching them to deal with the consequences that they get from the choices they make when they're young,

because the stakes aren't as high. So, for example, like you said with Jackson and the reading thing, I remember when he first got to fifth grade and they transitioned from um in school, don't know, from virtual learning back to in school, and he wasn't taking it as serious, and you was on him every day, did you really dread?

And say, yo, just relax. Then he got his reading grades, and one grade was the sixty five I believe, Yeah, I think that, And I think he had got a sixty five for something and he was distrought about it. But the point of the matter was unless he feels what it's like to get a sixty five and no he don't want it, he'll always continue to think that my mom is going to create a space or save me from whatever the consequences are. He didn't study the way he was supposed to. He got a sixty five.

I then told him, you get another sixty five, you can't play basketball and you have to go to tutoring. Those are the consequences. You give them those consequences when they're young enough, and then they can make decision to change the outcome. That's how you teach them how to make better choices. Unlike some parents who will stay on their kids NonStop and make sure that they like you said, teach them how to study, but call them every day to make sure they study, literally put the pencil in

their hands and set them down. And then when they get to college and it's time to make choices on your own, they don't know how to make choices. And I'm not telling you, I'm not itching to take that agenda and write down every email that I've gotten from his teachers and organize everything for him, just because I know I thrive in that kind of environment, and academically,

I see Jackson, we have a lot of similarities. So that's why instead of doing that, because I fear that, I fear having boys who are then becoming you know, weak men or weak young men, because they just feel like they're not equipped and don't know how to navigate the world and make the choices that are best for them.

So as much as I want to. I think i've it's finally clicked to me um a couple of years now, like I haven't been nearly as you know, hovering or copped a mom with the kids as I used to be or want to be, because I really think it's important that they are equipped and armed with, you know, all of the essentials to make sure that they're making the right choices. So all right, y'all, we're gonna get into this money real quick, take a break, and we'll

be back. And we're back from our quick break. We made a choice to come back because we love you all like that, and I'm going to make a choice and it was no mistake. I'm gonna be a gentleman and let my wife go first. Sounds good, I'll read Number one Deared Canina Develle. I've been with my man Sean for a year, but we've been dating on and off for four years. I've had an issue with his female friend. They had sexual relations before me and him

started him before me and him and started dating. But although their sexual relationship has stopped, I feel some type of way about it. We all work together, but the way she looks at him bothers me, um, girl like she's not over the fact that he finally has a girlfriend. Now he tells me that they're just friends, but when they talk, she looks at him like she's so in love, like constantly laughing at his corny ass jokes and stuff like that. It makes me uncomfortable because she's like, I

wanted to beat this little bit ahead. Um. It makes me uncomfortable because Sean doesn't see the issue because he says he's not cheating and he doesn't want her in that way. Also, when he first told her that we were together, she had an attitude and I still don't know why because I don't know this girl at all. But now it makes sense because she's not over him

and it shows I don't think he's sleeping with her. However, I feel that those friendly interactions should be at a minimum, especially since he's in a committed relationship now and my tripping or is he too blind to see that she still wants him. I always wonder that do guys choose to see or not see if a woman is into them? Because I know you've told me, even though we're married, that you can tell when you're around a woman who if you you know, yeah, if you throw that ball up,

the balls up. That's not where I intended for it to go. However, Yeah, like you know, as I when a woman is into you or would be into you if you was about it. So what do you think in the circumstance here, because I'm with homegrow, I'm ready to fighter. You know, this is this is the problem comes a double standard, right because women have male friends, and you'll always say all the time, it's just like, oh, he's just a friend. I control everything, So don't worry

aboudy again, do not. Absolutely we can do the same thing. Absolutely we do the same thing. I mean, I believe it. I believe it. I'm just saying in her particular scenario, I think it's like she has male friends. I'm pretty sure she does. Like I don't. I have never met one person that says I only commingle with the people who have the same genital ys me. Like, that's just not acord. And what doesn't help is if the person

is attractive. I forget that, Like, don't have an attractive friend, because then it's like, oh, there has to be a reason why they're actually look the truth, friends and platonic at that. This goes back to choices. He every day has to make a choice if he wants to be with his girlfriend or if he wants to be with his His friend explained, if he's continuously making the choice to be with you, and you continue to focus on that girl, you're going to become the problem and not

that girl. You have to understand and let people show you who they are. If he's showing you that he wants to be committed to you and she's still laughing at his corny jokes, let her laugh at the corny jokes until he decides that he wants to disrespect you.

Why is this even a problem, Because what you can't do as a person is trying to block everybody that's around your signing if again, other that gets exhausting and also looks corny, Like every time a guy comes around you, I'm pretty sure the guys and probably the women that are around you would have sex you to if they had the chance, right, right, And so am I going to sit here and look at everybody's giggle every time you make a joke because your jokes don't be funny,

but niggas be laughing. My jokes are very funny. My jokes be funny, not only a joke. Sometimes your jokes be laying in a little flat, you know what I'm saying. I've been trying to work with you on how you tell stories so that you get to the punch line a little later rather than giving it away earlier. But that's why you do story time and not me. I just had the razzle dazz with y'all, and that's all I'm responsible. You definitely do bring the razzle and the dass.

But my point is is that people are going to be attracted to you. With my wife, like, what am I supposed to do? I can't walk around with a guard up and just be so defensive her circumstance because they've had a sexual past. You know, it's a little

bit harder for her to move on from that. But also since you don't want your insecurity to show particularly to her either, because then the last thing I always said I ever wanted was some other bits to have something on me, right, and that feeling alone is enough to make you crazy. So I'm hoping that she's not exuding that insecurity around home girl too, because you know girls too, they want to play the game. She might be turning it up just because she knows it gets

under your skin. That's a good point. And she might just be doing it just to do it, because that's how some people are. But if your man hasn't given you any reason to doubt him and to make you feel as if there's legitimately something going on here, let that keep laughing. Yeah, let let her. Let her laugh at you, Joe, he's laughing at the corny as choke.

Because here's the thing, and I've learned this for some of my my lady friends, there is nothing more attractive than a man that kid's attention from other women, but still focuses on his woman. This is what my lady friends tell me. You when you have a man that he knows, who he's committed to, can still entertain and joke and kihi with these other women, but then be like, yo, piece, I gotta go home to my wife, for it's like it's about my wife that's attractive to them. So you

have to expect nobody wants somebody that nobody wants. I know that when I when I think in the restaurants, if nobody looking at her the way I think they should be looking at her. I'm like, we need to go home and need to change our fit because I ain't see enough eyes that way. You know what I'm saying, Like, we gotta figure something out right, and you should expect that if if you're your man and your woman looks good, it's like, shoot, yeah they have charisma. Yeah, you expect that.

And I never changes man. When you get married, people are going to be attracted to your significant other the same reason why you were attracted to them. That doesn't go away when they get a boyfriend or a girlfriend. So you know, just unless they prove to you or show you something different, make the choice to be in a good space. Don't allow the what ifs to create an environment that's uncomfortable. And now your relationship is going down the drains than you harpen on something and putting

a hundred on ten on something that is nothing. And then you in turn all to the entire your mood of your relationship because you're just harping on something that may not even be You know that's a fact. Good luck to you, says Tell Sean to get it together with home girl. Sean, keep telling jokes, all right, what these bitches going from a nigga last that's what they want. They want to laugh, Sean, keep him laughing, all right. Number two, Hey, Codeine and de Val, just want to

say I love you guys so much. Of my big siblings in my head. Thank you so much. I'm a young first time mom twenty three who had my child five months ago. Congratulations. My fiance had a child prior to our relationship, making this his second child. While pregnant, he gave me the option to of not working since I was finishing up my last year of school and I had a job lined up two months after graduating one switching to a one income household, We've had a

lot of financial issues, which tends to happen. I now work from home and I take care of the baby as well. Since the day she was born, I've been the only one up taking care of her at nights and throughout the days. Since my baby is breastfed. Is a breastfed baby. My fiance says there's no point in him waking up and losing sleep since he has to go to work and there's nothing he can do. Since having the baby, he never took time off of work.

He leaves at six am, and doesn't get home until nine pm now since he has to go to his other child's football practice, but that time our baby is already and by that time my baby is already in bed or going to bed. Sounds like me getting up early and then Jackson. I'm also expected to make sure the house is tidy and there's food ready, and to still be intimate while running on three to four hours of sleep. I have no family or help where I am.

That's a tough one since all of my support system and family is back home in Brooklyn and only and it's only my fiance here. His family lives an hour away from us, but they do not help out at all. When I expressed my fiance that I feel like a single parent doing majority of the work with the baby, this is a tough one. But the baby, he says. He says I'm disrespecting him as a father and that he's working to provide for the house and he's there

when he's available. I expressed to him that I'm not trying to disrespect him, but clearly just tell him how I feel, and everything gets spun around to me being at fault since having my baby. He has never she said my baby, y'all baby, but since having my baby, has never checked in with me to see how I'm doing mentally, emotionally inspiration. That's not good. During my pregnancy

I suffered with prenatal depression and started therapy. I'm at a point where I'm starting to resent him and just keep my feelings to myself to avoid arguments and all being my fault. I don't know what to do or what to say anymore. Is there any advice you can give? Um? Thank you for all you do for the people in the culture, and I'm so happy for you all to see the growth and success. Caribbean Brooklyn represent much love,

Caribbean massive. Wow. This is a difficult one. Difficult one because I know what that feeling is like pregnancy, baby, postpartum, and she had prenatal depression and so chances that are postpartum depression was right around the corner for her regardless. And that lack of sleep makes you crazy, the body healing makes you crazy. The hormonal imbalance and the readjustment

makes you even crazier. And it's just really really unfortunate that they don't have someone or a family or a system to or a village to lean on because that's ultimately what got us through these rough patches. But one thing I will say, the vow was deliberate about being with each of my pregnancy, particularly the last three, was very in tune with me, trying to make the atmosphere the best that it could meet for me, for me

to be low stress. Um checking in on me, making sure that I was okay mentally physically being one and and but but also too, he was out. You were out, working out, working ridiculous hours. At one point, you were getting up in some mornings five am, a little before five to get to a client. Yeah, to get to a client for five and you'd be in the gym till ten PM. And it was just for me in that moment, just a sacrificial period that I saw it as.

But it's easy for me to see it is that because I was able to take a break sometimes by having help from my mom. Well, this is the thing though, I think, Uh, oftentimes when people are in these these situations,

they don't recognize what their significant others going through. For example, we had a couple of friends who just recently went through this right and gentlemen are all upstanding gentlemen so when I'm giving you these examples, I'm giving you these examples with dudes who are not douchebags and women who

are not just selfish money hungry women. But these are dudes who work work full time jobs, who gave their uh baby's mother or their wives the opportunity to stay home while they provide because they know how difficult it is. Um They also don't have a ton of help, but they've had help. The gentleman often feel like I'm the one waking up early in the morning, I have to be outside the house, away from my child, and providing

you with the opportunity to stay home. So I'm giving you a privilege, whereas the women often feel like I'm the only one that has to be up every two and a half hours with this child. Even though I'm home, I never get a chance to sleep. You get a break because you get to go to work and deal with just adults. Right, there's no wrong here. Both can be right at the same time, and both people can also feel the way. This is what you gotta remember, gentlemen.

Navy seals go through training, right, and there's a part of the training where they call it sleep deprivation. Training where they make the Navy Seals stay up for thirty six hours, because once you stay up past thirty six hours, your ability to function cognitively starts to discipertate, which means you you are not emotionally or mentally at your best.

So imagine being a woman and you've been up every two and a half to three hours for the past I say, six to nine months, and if you're breastfeeding, this is where you are. So realistically, you can't be expected to function at the same cognitive place as your significant other. So when people say, oh, my wife is crazy she postpartum, She's not crazy, bro, She's really going

through something, right. So if you understand that as a man first, you approach this differently, meaning what I did, and this is what I talked about all the time. I said, my wife is going to need help. Do I want to live with my mother in law, my mom, my dad, my father in law. Do I want to live with anybody except my wife? No? I want to live with just my wife so we can walk around naked, and do we want to do when the kids? I

want to do that. But I do also understand that there's going to be a point in my life where my wife is gonna need help, and even though I can provide her with the space to be at home with the kids all day, that's not necessarily a fucking break.

I think I think people think, or men maybe think this, And I think this goes for like even some of our friends who we've had to kind of, you know, talk off the ledgen and some moments recently, they think that because you're outside, you're in the house, that is a break. Yes, Like the fact that you don't have to leave the house. Yes, Like oh, were vacation and now we're just sitting at home chilling all day, watching TV, doing nothing, just watching, just watching the baby. I'll sleep

in the baby sleeps. It's virtually impossible to do that. It's virtually impossible. So sorry, I just want to pay you know, I appreciate a part of it, and I want to use that to segue into this too. It's also unfair for a woman to feel like you get a break when you go to work. I never thought that way because I'm like, ship you op just as early as men. You're dealing with people absolutely every day, but a lot of times and may feel like, oh, you get you get a break, you get to go

to work. It's like I've been working NonStop. I got up at four in the morning, I had to go to the gym, had to help open the gym. I have clients all day. I was on my feet all day. And in the minute I get back home, you want to throw the baby in my face, say it's your turn. When does that man get a break? And this is where it requires empathy on both parties. No blame blame all right. You both made a choice to have a child. So since you made the choice to have a child,

you both have to sacrifice and contribute. Gentlemen, I'm going to give you some of the best advice you've ever heard, because men don't talk about this. If you have the possibility to bring in someone to live with you for at least the first month or two, or at least come over and and be a night nurse like one of our other friends, do do it. Do not say my wife can take care of it because she's gonna

be home all day with the kids. I'm giving you some insight that men, we don't talk about this enough. That woman, the person who's home all day with the kids, needs a break. Codeine and I because we travel so much. Her mom is at home with the kids a lot of time. You know, anytimes we come home and be like, yo, mom needs a break. So it's not just about your wife. It's taking care of the people who are in the

child care services. So whoever's taking care of your child, if you really want that person to be the nurturer that they need to be in order to have a successfully grown child, you have to give them breaks. It's unfair for you to think that since she's home all day, she's gonna be fine. Now, women, I'm going to give you some advice. Thank you, thank you, because you remember we went you remember we went through that as sure as how I have been in moments when I felt

like I could do everything. I still feel like I can do everything, even with assistance in the home, my mother and father being here full time, and I still feel like I can do everything. And even with them here helping to take care of the children, I still with work and children. Had a near breakdown the other day with my husband and our manager, like, I guess I might have to fold now and find someone to assist me, like an assistant, because they're just way too

many moving parts on any random giving day. You know, what we have now is a production team that has staff members that need things and need flights and and they're just things that I just don't have the mental capacity to do anymore. To be accepted, right except the help. Be okay with having someone who is trusted to allow you the space to just breathe. Sometimes we talked about it is so necessary. Absolutely feeling like you don't want to let your child is actually a newborn be with

someone else. But do yourself, your relationship, and your partner a favor. Allow someone to come help. It's unfair for you as a woman to say I do this all day. Now when you come home, it's your turn. It's un fair for you as a man to say, I'm not going to go go out to work, so you got you gotta stuck doing all of this stuff at home. It's unfair, and it doesn't have to be paid help.

If you have friends that you trust, if you have family, don't be afraid to open your mouth and say, listen, I really need a breather for a couple of hours twice a week. You will be shocked what allowing your wife to just get a reprieve and take a nap for four to five hours twice a week will do for her ability to function. And at that time, we when we lived in Brooklyn, we didn't have someone living with us physically only because of the distance. Now that

we don't have our family members close by. But man, let me tell you my my mom used to come by. My sister used to come back and be like, yo, I watched the baby for you to take a nap, and then I will find it sometimes like, well, I can nap with the baby. No, no, no, take the baby out the room and get some uninterrupted sleep. If you can arrange the assists for yourself two to three times a week at the very least to start. I know it's hard when you're breastfeeding is all on you.

Start pumping, giving some bottles. If you're okay with that, allow other people to help you, because that is very necessary and both of them need to understand that lack of sleep, sleep deprivation thing is real. When people say that pregnant women or women at a postpartum be going through like they just act crazy, it's not them acting crazy.

You can't expect the person who's going off of minimal sleep to function as a normal human for the first nine months after having a baby, the hormonal imbalance and balanced forget it. It takes the full nine to twelve months for your hormones even recover to be normal again.

And sleep deprivation goes both ways. Because if that man is up at four or forty five to go to work and then he's working until ten pm and then come home and you throw the baby in his face and he doesn't get to bed until twelve one o'clock, now he sleep deprived. So you have to sleep deprived. People looking at each other like that motherfucker crazy, when it's really both of y'all are just exhausted in walks resentment. Yes, that's so, baby, Do yourselves a favor. This is the advice, y'all.

Sit down, figure out what type of help you need, Speak to whoever you have in your family to help you, and get it done. Don't try to do it on your own. Don't feel guilty for needing help or asking a requesting for help. Just get the help you need. Baby. That's a fact, all right, y'all. If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead as advice at gmail dot com. We can't wait to hear from you facts. That's d E A D A S S A d V I C E

at gmail dot com. All right, and it's time for a moment of truth. We're talking choices today. Everybody getes choices, mistakes, accidents, intentionality, so many words thrown around today. Do you have a moment of truth that the listeners can take away? A little tidbit summarizes everything You get one life. That life is going to be filled with choices. The choices you make are going to determine the trajectory of your life. People often be afraid to make choices because they don't

want to make a mistake. There's no such thing as a mistake. There's no such thing as a loss. There's only lessons. You make a decision, you live with whatever decision you make, and whatever you have to do to ascend from that decision, you pivot and get it done. Period. It's simple. It sounds more complex, but it's simple. Make a decision, stick with the decision, and be strong enough to say, whatever the consequences that come with this decision, I'm gonna rock with it. That's how you don't let

life happen to you. Same thing in relationships. Make cognitive decisions about how you want your life to be, who you want your life to be with, and you just decide how you're gonna get there. Don't let the dating world happen to you. Don't let the whole internet happen to you. Make decisions for yourself and stick with those decision. That's a fact. Don't let it happen to you. That's

a great one. And lastly, when you're thinking about significant others, right and you, before you spew out your mouth that all women or all men act like this, ask yourself if you ever dated all women and all men? And then ask yourself, have my experiences in my life been a product of who I'm dating or who of of who's dating me or who I chose to date? It's the last thing who I chose. To wrap it up, put a bone on him. Y'allus on its day with

the moment of truth. Then, I guess the moment of truth is if you're deciding to be how do I put this, If you're deciding to be the backseat driver or the co pilot in this car. First of all, know what you getting in the car with Hey, okay, be okay with that person making a choice and you

following their lead. And this is particularly for relationships. And if you're not okay with the car that you're in because of the person and that's driving, getting another car, talk about it, walk talk about take the train, take the bus, talk about it. Get a donkey, talk about it. You know what I'm saying like, don't don't just feel like you have to be trapped in a car, co piloting and backseat drive into some dude to some chick

that has you going awry. Never stuck. Focus on what the journey is, Focus on what the task is at hand, and make sure that you were strapped in and co pilot to somebody who's worth that, because if not, baby, there's accidents like car accidents and don't know abody like those neither because you car insurance goes up and then Geico drops you, and then what you're really gonna be on foot or donkey taking this analogy to a hold another level, she told get a donkey, talked about car insurance,

shouted out Geico. Geico did not sponsor this, so they sure as much as as freaking car insurance, but nowadays ship exactly. But that's the long story short. And would you in the car with y'all? All right? You know we are going because everybody gets affected that way. All right. We love y'all. Thanks for tuning in for another episode of season nine Dead Ass Podcast and be sure to

follow us on social media. Dead as the Podcast is our podcast page and I am Cadine, I am and I am Devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe. Buckle Up Baby. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Nora Opinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing.