She’s Pregnant and Still Sexy

thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead As is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. So Codeine and I, as we expressed before, early in

our marriage, were struggling with intimacy. But over the past couple of years there has not been an issue. So we've been all over each other. Hence another baby. To the point now where when Codeine was pregnant early on, she was still trying to help her husband. She was being a very good wife. She was trying to help her husband in the first trimester be relieved of some stress. In doing that, she was trying to rock the mic, and in trying to rock the mic in the first trimester,

she suffered from extreme nausea. So me being a good husband, I tried to tell her, I said, babe, you know I'm good if you if you're good, She got mad at me for trying to stop her. So she was just like, no, no, I'm gonna be your good wife. I'm gonna do this. So now I'm sitting there like I don't know whether I'm gonna stop her or not stop her, because she seems very focused on getting this done. But every three strokes, all I hear is what and that For me, it's not I it's not enjoyable and anile.

Typically she typically typically she can handle a lot people she can handle now she'd been doing that are you a pro now? But on this particular day, it didn't matter how many years you had in this game. The minute it got to the lips, it was like that. So I'm trying to be like understanding and she's getting mad at me. The more and more. She's getting mad at me. I don't know what to say, Okay, finish

your story. Well you wasn't mad. I was a little frustrated, not at you per se, not at you per se. But it's like, if I get you to a certain point, like am I just gonna stop? I feel you and I appreciate that. That's that's you of service to your husband exactly. I was just like, this is what he needs out, Like who starts the job and don't finish it? But the job was finished when after I heard splack act, then I looked down and I'm like, oh, hell, now

I'm done, get up, and you know what happens. Sorry, I was so Now we're sitting there at the edge of the bed, my parts is down, I'm hugging her, craving with her medium in my thigh on the floor, and I'm like, this is my life, guys, this is my life. Yikes. This song I'm dedicate to you because this, yes, this song came out around the time it did. This is our song. Yes, oh did displayed our wedd You tell me let me think this melody right, you're ready? Me? Me, me,

me me. I want you to just know the DeVos gung ho about melodies when it comes to karaoke this season, so I'm trying to I'm trying to elevate your no, no, no, mm hmm. It's the theatric close my biby girl, look at you. Don't know how it feels to call you my It goes my baby? Okay, now loving everything you do. Boo, I did that, Let me do that six seasons. That was my song look at my Baby came out There

goes my baby. And the reason why I sang there goes my babies because in a moment where it should really only be about you because you're pregnant, you were thinking about me. You were seriously thinking about me to the point where you was driving yourself crazy crying because I was trying to tell you not to finish, and you were thinking about me. But that shows growth both of our parts, because a couple of years ago I had been like, yeah we are, here's some of that

vastly and intensive care. Butter oil or whatever the hell, ain't nothing. Ain't nothing worse than a lazy hand job from your wife, nothing worse than like you sitting there, there goes my baby. Like you you know, like, I'm just excited to talk to people about this because when people talk about sex, especially married sex, it's always so daunting. Oh yes, and y'all have listened to the previous early

early in our marriage that we were struggling. But now it's like, I think we finally caught our rhythm and I think what still kind of rings true to me since our revelation that we had last season, you know, um, not just with sex, but I think in general with marriage. We talked about just being of service to each other and that looks like different things on different days for

both of us. Um, but I feel like I just kind of in this moment, if we're going back to story time, I just knew it was something that you needed because you definitely put on a happy face day and day out, or I know, I know what you need, and even though you're putting on the happy face, I'm like, you know what would genuinely make him happy today? You know, so amidst my that's what you call wife, and that's what you call wife because as a husband, I know

what my wife needs. I know I'm going to do it, so you're doing the same thing. Appreciate, Thank you, and you deserve that. You honestly like you deserve that because you do everything day in and day out to ensure that I'm okay, that the kids are okay, that life is okay. So in my you know, issues that I have dealing with, I'm like, you know, it's the least I could do is try to try to, you know, handle some business with you. You don't give you handling business.

But the funny thing is when it comes to pregnant sex, right as as your husband, your body goes through changes, right, everything swells up, right, especially in the first second traual mester. You're always in really good shape, so the first things that swell at first are your boobs and your butt. Like case, that's the first thing that always swell out.

So of course it turns me on. But then you know what happens to me mentally, I think about you being pregnant, and then it's not I can't I can't view you the same way because at this point you're the vessel for my child. So whereas before you're just my like, you're object in that moment where we want to engage in sex, and I just want to please you and be pleased when you when you're pregnant. Sex don't mean the same to me at that. Yeah, you

know what I'm saying. I can understand that completely different mindset when you think about it. Let's go to some facts that we found here, right, Let's see what facts were found here. A total of eighties six to a hundred of all couples are still sexually active during pregnancy, but others usually report a decrease in frequency of intercourse or just anything sexual related, sexual desire, all that good stuff,

particularly from the female. I can test to that m pregnancy stimulates partners to search for ways to kind of preserve their mutual emotional relations you know, and sexual needs

of course, with some limitations. Right, So, and I will I will interject and say that that is needed um for both the men and the women, because women still want to feel desirable, so it's important for them to know, like my husband is still into me, especially while pregnant, and men still want to be desired, like a lot of men won't say that, but a lot of things and issues that happen in relationships, and men want to constantly be desired, especially by the women they choose to

spend the rest of their life with so both parties want to continuously be desired the pregnancy process. Or you have some women that look at you and goes like I can't stand them, absolutely, And some of it is because they're just like upset in that moment, like you did this to me, So who's the closest person to blame? And then some people said they just kind of have like an aversion to their husband, like they just feel like their husband doesn't smell the same, or like something

about them is just giving them change. Yeah. Um, I have a friend who's pregnant and she's having a girl, and she's like every pregnancy, I just don't want my husband on me because for whatever reason, I just in that moment don't like them. And it's short lived because it's probably during the first and second try ms her and then after that she's like, cuddle me. So he's probably just like, what the hell is going on? I mean, you can't stand me? The next minute you want to come.

This is their fourth so I'm pretty sure he already knows. Like, and this is one thing about about relationships and pregnancies, there's no one cookie cutter way that works for everybody. No one can give you advice on how to deal with your pregnancy, you have to speak to your partner. I'm pretty sure that man knew once I got this woman pregnant for six to eight weeks, she ain't gonna want to be touched and she ain't gonna want me on her. And I understand that. He I guarantee you,

he knows this is their fourth pregnancy. You know what I'm saying. And you know, some people are always unders that, Oh I couldn't deal with that if my wife, my husband, I couldn't. Yeah, that's that's why they're not yours. You know what I'm saying. You found what works for you in your marriage works like that's just what it is. And if it's if it's odd to other people, it can be odd to them because you only with this person.

That's a fact. That's a fact. So like things like nausea, vomiting, of course that we're spoken about that the story harmal changes. Fear of adverse effects of intercourse like pre term labor, about that, Yeah, worried about if you're interfering with anything down definitely coorse. So those are things that are among the prevalent reasons for a decrease in libido because sometimes

a lot of it too. In addition to it being hormonal, it's mental, right, even mental for you sometimes when you think about definitely, especially as the pregnancy progresses and we get to the third trimester where there's evidently a stomach and a baby in there. Can't do it, you know,

I can't do it. You can't get into it the way he wanted to get into it before the first trimester, And the third trimester always the most difficult for me because the first trimester I want to make sure we get to the second, and my concern is always having sex or intercourse and then us losing the baby. So for me in that moment, I'm just not into it, like right, like I'm really just not I'm not, It's safe to say. I think both of us are normally like yeah, like I don't even want to smell you,

and you're just more concerned the second the second. Once we get to the second it's no longer nauseous and the doctor says, hey, the baby is good, blah blah blah blah blah, then it's more like, hey, think over there, I like this what I'm saying. But even in the second trimester, we can't remember we talked about having that animalistic attraction, that rough type of sex. We can't do that. We can't do anything. We can't do that at all.

In the second even then you have a little bit of like, you know, like let me make sure that she's okay, and then you can't get tired of this. We'll be in the middle of having sex, right and I'd be like, hey, you are right, and she'd be like, yes, devout, yes I'm fine, and I'm like, okay, So I'm just asking because I just want to make sure. But you're sure you're okay. It's like if i'll stop, just its just the mood. I'm like, I'm like, no, I don't

want to stop. I want to keep going. But that's want to know if you're okay, because you said you're okay, if I get off of me, all right, Let's just that's just not just and the third trimester it just be It's just it's just positions are awkward, belly's in the way. I don't think we have a lot of sex in the third we don't. I have locked jaw by the end of going into the six week check up that whole period there, you know. So eighty percent of women report some kind of sexual activity during their

third trimester. I mean women still doing something. They don't mean intercourse, No, not necessarily, but I mean there's other ways to get things done. And thirty nine percent report sexual intercourse during their birth week. Oh yeah, because because once you stimulate birth by having said you can't yes, an orgasms. You did say that, develt coin the phrase popping the piano, But there's the orgasms. I don't here, I think, and I have to be corrected if from wrong.

But semen also kind of helps to induce labor as well, so that might be something that we can look into if that comes. But I usually don't need me hope. That's it. So the frequency of sexual activity did not drop for most women in their third trimester, although ten percent said that they had sex more often during their tried third trimester than their first and second. That's interesting, Okay,

it's interesting. So nearly all of the women who were sexually active during pregnancy reported vaginal intercourse, thirty eight reported oral sex that's me either for latio or the other um, and then reported masturbation. I kind of fall into that category. Too, because sometimes you don't want to be penetrated, you don't want another body on you, but you may want a little bit of relief in that moment. So I can kind of attest to that. I'm not a masturbator. I'm

just not. I don't I don't like it. I feel like if I was going to masturbate, why did I get married. That's just my that's just my my thought process on it. It's like, I just want another person. I'd rather you give me a hand job, give me a head, or I don't just and you like to you like a personal I'm a very emotional, like spiritual person. That connection that we have is I need that right And then for me, I'm kind of like I don't want to be touched right now, but I could get

all real quick. So let me just not go there with you and just do what I do and keep it pushing. You know, women said that they desired sex during their pregnancy as much as they did before they were pregnant. I am not a part of that thirty nine percent um and about a third of the women said that they had less sexual desire when pregnant, So I completely get that. Um, So, yeah, I feel like the course of sex changes. You know from the Blue

Light Special that we had got us here. But we had a conversation the other night where you said you miss you missed that sex. Oh, I do absolutely, because I mean my husband still walking around here like you find as hell, you know, working out, he's on TV. You know, sisters, Zack out there, Zack out there in the suit and whatnot. Turned his life around. Use Zack to this bitch, not witches, right, you right, you got

Zach baby Zack exactly. But I told, I told you should need to tell Tyler Perry he's this child's godfather because of the whole Blue Light Special was clearly because of him. He wrote it into the script. I'm sure so, TP, good brother, our son's middle ain't gonna be blue. But um, did you that I talk a little bit about the frustration as a woman where you're in the second trimester and I was constantly asking you if you were okay doing sex? Right? Did you feel like I was babying you?

Or was it like emotions or was it no? I feel this is a genuine concern there. I think we both kind of had that concern because I feel like Okay, I want you to be in tune with me if you feel like there's something off, or if I kind of like you see a little grimace on my face and you're like, wait a second, is everything okay? I think that checking in is fine, but sometimes you might misconstrue that grim is for like you know, like a look like I'm saying go ahead, giving you the green

light to god, I'm not gonna lie. Sometimes can be confusing. Yeah, because the same way you bite your bottom it like you bite your by living you grab the sheets. I don't know if that's a I felt that let me you know, I'm nervous, or I felt that give me. It's a completely different content context for me. I can't

take that. I'm not trying to take that chance because then I've had those moments too where I was like, Okay, you're getting little carried away, bro, you're getting a little carried away, and he'd be like, damn, I was just in the moment. It was just in the moment, and I was like, I get that. However, was about three weeks three weeks ago, that's my back, that's my back, my back. I was like, already, can't breathe as it is.

I said, that's my neck cutting off the gentleman a tip. Pause. Um, the best situation is for her to be doggy style knees and elbows, because you can't see the belly. Once you can't see the belly, then that like that little click sometime disappear because the cake, the cake, the clapping get you in that old old thing like this is how it used to be. And in that moment, though, sometimes you gotta you need a reminder. I think I

had my form on you. You might have, yeah, man, you was like you like, hey, hey, so, but that to me is the best position because you can't see the belly. Any position where I could see the belly, even where even where I'm like like you servicing me, and I looked down there and I see the belly, it's just not the same for me. We gotta hide that. We gotta put a sheet under the best part was

even before our third tris. I think we were in the second and you and I were celebrating our anniversary in Cabo, and you know, I was just like, okay, you know, I had to bring my little outfits, but I can still fit in. So I could do my little tricks and whatnot, and I was like, oh, this little skirt here, I might be able to just kind of like work it on the side. I had a

little body's suit situation, and I didn't realize. I guess my belly was as big as it was at that point, and it didn't quite work out, and you just kind of cracked the blast. You actually ended up pulling out your phone and doing a whole video. It was funny to me. It was like, don't embarrass me now, as I'm trying to be cute. You had a little a little it was a little bump. It's a little but you couldn't zip the skirt, but the effort was still

the effort was still like super sexy. Like for me, I was like, oh my gosh, she put it so much effort, and I just you know, your legs oiled up, you still look nice. You still had the little baby bump, and at that point that wasn't so distracting, but it was just it was it just felt good to feel like my wife still wanted me like that, you know, And and as a husband I need that still. I need that still the same way you need that. And

I've had this conversation with my boys. A couple of my boys be like, Bro, like my wife, we want to have sex, and I don't want to have sex because she's pregnant, and like what should I do? And I'm like, bro, have sex with your wife. And they're like They're like, no, it's it's not like I'm not attracted to her, It's just I'll be concerned about the baby. My bro, that woman needs to feel attractive just as much as she needs to feel safe. You know what

I'm saying. I even watch some of the comments and some of the d ms that I get from women that's say it's it's exciting to see a man still lust after his wife while she's going through so many changes with her body. Because as a woman, you feel like once you have a baby, you're never going to be the same or you're never going to be as good. Did you ever feel that way? Always? I still feel

that way. I feel like, yeah, with each pregnancy, not that you've made me feel that way, but just absolutely, because I feel like it's never really just ever, you never reached that point where you're back to where where you were, you know what I mean? With each child, for me. For example, we had a couple more stretch marks. You know, this can gets a little bit looser, Um, it is that much harder to get back in shape. So yeah, absolutely, absolutely, no, I understand where you're coming from.

And it's funny thing because men don't ever think like we don't ever have to think about that, you know. And I know a lot of first time fathers When I tell them, like, yo, you need to be intimate with your wife for for mental health reasons as well, they like them. I never thought about that. And I said, that's because you you know, nothing changes on us. You know, that's a responsibility we and and a lot more men should have that conversation with young men who are having babies.

Fathers should have that with their sons, you know, like when you're going through that, when your wife is going through that process. Intimacy is not only just about sex and intercourse. It's also about affirmation you're still beautiful, you know what I'm saying, Like you're still still want you, you know what I'm saying. And it goes it goes both ways because some some dudes be like, yo, you know, ever since we had the baby, my wife is not

into me. Like that no more. And I'm just like, you gotta give her time to get back to her feeling like herself, because if she's not into herself, she ain't gonna be into you. Bro. Wow, that's interesting because a UK study I was just looking at this fact that I thought was kind of interesting. Most parents said that their sex life is better after childbirth in the UK. Yeah, not in not in our You do sound like that in America complaining all the time, right, I mean, because

there's so many factors at that point. It's not even just the woman getting her body back, but there's also adjusting with a new baby. There's also, um, you know, everything else that you throw into the mix. They're not feeling desirable, you're feeling like your body is still out of shape. You're still trying to figure out what has happened. So um A whopping couples acts said that they were satisfied with their sex lives said that sex after the baby is better than it was in their pre baby days.

I think what would make our sex life more interesting after the kids is just trying to find incognito, spontaneous ways if everything, without having to like either wake the baby or you know, the kids find you keeping in occupied while you try to just like get a quick session. And you remember closet sessions in California. Those were the best and the worst of times, because it was like, you know, you want to I don't. I don't. I like to feel everything, and I want to scream. I

want to hear you scream. I want to throw the leg up. I wanna you know, I don't want it to be like somebody coming like that's not enjoyable to be that's just it's just not and the thing. But you know, no, you like the thrill. You like the thrills we do. It's look. It says here that a survey found att of new moms felt insecure about their post baby bodies, with meaning to feeling too fat for sex.

This is what I was telling a lot of these dudes, like you have to constantly affirm her because her body is changing. A third of the dads said they didn't see any difference in their partner's body after a baby, and a huge sixty three said they found their partner more attractive than ever before. Now I'll be the first

to admit after you had the baby. Non know, after you had the baby things do be like I like, I like think like milky, I like, I like your cup size goes up three four sizes you but I don't know about that. But I don't know. It's just something and plus watching you go through childbirth and know

when you have my baby something sexy about that. This is something I take men men say that all the time after she had You know, we have a couple of friends who just had babies who always just like, yo, I have to watching my wife go through that, it's just something sexy. It's just something about the death experience. It's something about that like near and death experience. Did you see your wife go through all of this and

then it's just like, wow, she came out. I think it's more like also probably a greater respect thing, you know what I mean, It's just like, wow, she's that much sexier because she was able to endure what she had to endure to bring forth our baby. Probably so probably I would imagine that that's probably a part of it. If you're just removing some of the surface things like just wait or you know those things, well, look, it says for around thirty years, researchers have studied how having

children affects the marriage, and the results are conclusive. Comparing couples with children, researchers have found that the rates of the decline in the relationship satisfaction is nearly twice as steep for couples who have children than for childless couples. In the event that a pregnancy is unplanned, the parents experience even greater negative impacts on their relationship. The irony is that even as the marital satisfaction of new parents declines,

the likelihood of them divorcing also declines. Because kids, most people stay together for the kids. So having children may make you miserable, but you'd be miserable together. That's messed up. But it's how many people have we heard, like, man, if I had you dan kids, it's you know that. I've heard that several times too. So I don't think that was the case with us, though, I don't think, um, I don't think divorce became like I don't think divorce

ever became a serious option. It was always like a man, I don't do this no more. You can say we were kind of like divorced within the marriage couple, right right, right, But it was never like we're going to that level of separation, and I can honestly say it's not because of the children. I love you, I love you, you, my baby. I ain't gonna lie. It is what it is like. You do it for me. You might my person, You're my person, my person. Give me some give me something.

That was a cute maid of light and talking about prenci sex. I think ultimately that we are each other's person and whatever facets we're in, whether it's pregnancy or not. Before after attempting to get pregnant, I feel like we try to enjoy phase and honestly try to take each

other into consideration. I know that's something that I've been trying to do lately, um even pre pregnancy, which is trying to consider how you may feel, the things that you may want, especially absolutely when it comes to sex. So I don't think you should say a quick break. We've been going in, you know, I mean, you said you didn't like spontaneous quickie, so be of service and is going to be of service. We're gonna pay some bills. How about that? Pay some bills and then to come

back and finish my listening letters. Thank you so much. All right, guys, be back. We took a break. Wasn't that type of break on one? No hanky panky, nothing, nothing to report, nothing to report. But we're back with listening to let us Cain's favorite part, Trouble. It's a novel. I'm gonna try my best to read it. Hopefully people use punctuation this time, so it starts to says anyway, I'm a thirty year old female and my husband is twenty nine. We have been married for a year and

a half, but together for a total of almost nine years. Congratulations, guys. Just like the two of you, we constantly have conversations about sex that's really good. After graduating from college, we each move back in with our parents, who to save money to pay off student loans, so we were not having sex that often because we were rarely alone. I know the feeling. My then fiance would complain about not having sex often enough, but I promised I would get

better once we lived together. We moved in together about one month before our wedding, and it did not get better. I had no sex drive at all, but would engage because I felt like I needed to, which is which was neither fair as our fear, our enjoyable as it could be for either of us. Okay. My husband also complains about the fact that I pushed him away when he starts to rub on me or kiss on me while I'm in the middle of doing something while whit

like washing the dishes, cleaning, or cooking. He gets irritated when I tell him right now and says things like, you can't stop what you're doing for five minutes. And it's not that I don't It's not that I don't like the attention. It's just hard for me to switch my brain from you need to get these chores done to time to give you a man sexy attention. Fast forward to about a year after we moved in together. We are now relying on po M for birth control.

For people don't know po women's that's the pull out method into cast. We decided to hold off on having kids for a bit since we were pretty much quarantine the entire time we have been married. After I stopped taking birth control, my sex drive spiked. We just talked about it's back to where it was when we started dating. Now when we have sex, it's fantastic, but it's still not occurring as often as we would like. He said.

He doesn't always want to be the initiator I've been there before, which he's not, and then that it's hard for him to even want to initiate because of all of the times I told him no, we've been there before. I keep telling him things are different now, and I stopped taking birth control and even told him things I would like him to do to me, like push me against the wall, pull my hair, or tease me until I can't take it anymore. He's done it once in

the last few months, and that's it. How can I convince him that my days of saying no all the time but behind me and I'm behind me and help him realize that when he wants sexy time attention while I'm in the middle of doing something, it's hard for me to switch my mind. Every time I bring it up, he starts bringing up me pushing him away, and him not always wanting to initiate. Did my previous actions completely ruin our sex lifeity to talk about this? Well? What

I mean? I feel like one of the biggest things that I see here is her saying that now since she's been the one to have to rely on him to initiate all the time. Now that she's given him ways to help initiate it, he's kind of over it. And that's something that felt like we had to deal with because Devot said, I don't want to have to always be the one to initiate it, and he's like, why do I have to be in the mood when

you're in the mood. The hard part for me with that it was like, what, bro, you've been asking me to be in the mood all this time. I'm finally in the mood. Take it, like, this is what we got. And at that point too, you kind of just felt like that ship has sailed in that moment, or you just kind of were in a funk. I think, yeah, we were. We were in a bit of a funk. But I think what she's missing, like you were missing, is that even when now you're in the mood, we

still have to do it on your terms. It's like sex. Sex always has to be on a woman's term, which for us as men, it seems like it's not fair. So it's like, when you're not in the mood, you give me things that I need to do to get you in the mood. Then when you're in the mood, you give me things I need to do while you're

in the mood, there's a lot of hoop jumping, jumping through. Yeah, I feel like I feel like women tend to to put men through who's or not even saying women, the person who has the lower sex drive often tends to put the other person into so many hoops that if you do this, then I'll be more prepared. And that person at times is like WHOA like how much like I want to be desired and wanted as well? You know what I'm saying, Like, why do I always got

to jump through hoops? I'd rather be with someone who wants to be with me than someone that I got to do a bunch of tricks in order to get them to say okay. And I think that's what she's missing, that's true. And also to the part where she talks about like him just coming over and just saying hey,

like just grabbing on her or doing this doing that. Personally, I like that attention, but sometimes when you used to do it, I would think that you're doing that with the expectation that you wanted to have sex in that moment. And then for me, I had the difficulty, like her of trying to like switch from doing what I was doing, like not right now, you know, but it was nice to also to get the attention because when I don't get the attention, then I'm wondering and I'm internalizing, and

I'm like, well, what's wrong? Are you in a bad mood? And then it becomes this whole conversation of well, what's the matter? Are you okay? Are you sure you're okay? You're not okay? I can tell you not okay, and then it becomes a whole argument for no reason. But think about that from a man's standpoint, right, you would say to me, you only touch me and stuff when you want to have sex. So then I'd be like,

let me not do that. Then I touch you on times and I don't want to have sex, and you pull away because I feel like you can also have intimacy and you can have that level of playfulness or just walking past and me just like grabbing on you or something, and it just be me displaying a little bit of affection. To what I'm saying is yeah, But what I'm saying is is even when we do that, if you pull away because you're worried that I want

to have sex in that moment. How can you say to me, one, you never touched me, or you're never affectionate when you don't want to have sex. But then when I'm trying to show you affection it affection when I don't want to have sex, you pull away because you're afraid that I'm trying to have some Yeah, that's

the disconnect that we had. We had that disconnect because I'm like, well, I do like the affection, and I do like to just be able to just be quote unquote intimate or have intimate moments without it ending in sex. But what I'm saying is that women are not clear with what they want from men. For example, you want intimate moments. He's giving you intimate moments, but you're afraid that those into me moments are going to turn into sex,

so you shy away. So then he doesn't give you intimate moments, and he only gives you intimate moments when he wants to have sex, so that you don't confuse it too. And then you say you only come on to me and give me intimate moments when you want to have sex. You can't. You can't give me two different things to do and expect me to follow both of them and then say to me, well, I just want you to do it when I want to do it. I think for me, I completely understand what you're saying,

and I agree with you it's not fair. But I can also agree with the fact that you're being on birth control, your moved just sometimes just off all the time. I understand that, and not even knowing what you feel like you want in that moment because you think you want one thing and then you don't, So that confusion I know happens, especially in birth controls. I'm happy she's off of it, because what a spike, right, But it's a damage already done at this point, so so we

can talk about that. For a long time, after we had diagnosed what was going on in our relationship, there was about a half a year where now there were so many years of me trying to figure out when to come onto you and being exhausted of how to come on to you that I just stopped coming on to you. And then then you were in the mood. But now you want me to come on to you because you're in the mood, and I'm like, if you're in the mood, why won't you come on to me,

but then you would give me more hoops. But I like it like this. It just seems that when it comes to the sad moments when I came on to you and you're just like, I'm not in the mood. So I'm like feeling some kind of way because I'm like, well, you're always in the mood, though, what do you mean now? And I almost felt like it was punishment, Like I feel like you just wanted to You just wanted to in that moment have like like, ah, well, here take that because you've given me that. No, it wasn't it

wasn't punishment. But a lot of times it was like you would come on to me after we just had the conversation, and then it felt like you were just coming on to me because we just had a conversation. And but that's what I'm saying, like you constantly have the conversation, and why you're having the conversation, You're trying to figure out when is the right time to make

the move. The two of them, like us too, are going to have to get to a point where they say we are no longer going to think about what happened in the past. We're just going to accept what happens now and move forward in the future. And until they make that decision the two of them, it can't just be one. She has to make it and he has to make it. They're always going to reflect back on well, well, that's the last time you did this, this is what happens, and that's what they're going through now.

So it's very Yeah, it sounds very, very similar. But I do think that she has to realize if you made him jump through hoops for years and now you figured out what's good, you can't just expect it to him to just forget that you're the same way you made him put in work for years, you have to be willing to put in the same amount of work

to get things back to normal. Like, and I'm not blaming her, but the birth control was a part of it, but also her indecisiveness or sending mixed messages is like, he spent years trying to figure out what she wanted. That's exhausting. But now that you figured it out, you can't just be like, well I figured it out, let's do it my way now. They also went from two extremes. They went from being at home with the parents and

then to being quarantined together alone. So he was probably just like, oh, it's on and popping now because we have no we have no reason or no excuse because we have our own spades. Might I suggest like a little vacation to kind of like bury the hatchet because you know, I love the Book of Flight and be going but doing something that we were just like, you know what, babe, you're not going to go away. We're gonna enjoy this week. We're gonna have fun. We're just

gonna let loose. We're just gonna start fresh because we've had moments like that, we just felt like we need to just start fresh, and just maybe that might be a way to just say, you know what, we're gonna bury those those old sex hatchets and start from new. But I do agree with you that it has to be mutual where you both are gonna work on it.

And I do feel like people who have low sex drives, whether a man or a woman, who view sex as a chore, cannot then use sex as a punishment for their partner or weaponized sex to their partner because they viewed sex as a chore. You know how people do that, You know what I'm saying, that's like, oh, if he don't do that, she don't do this, and I'm not giving them none if you just choose to do that because sex is a chore to you and you weaponize sex, it's unfair to that person to ask that person to

only be with you. You understand what I'm saying, Like, it's it's just it's wrong. I don't think that it's fair to require monogamy from someone that you're going to use sex as a punishment, right, But I also believe that there are ebbs and flows with sex. Absolutely absolutely, So it's kind of like you're gonna have to ride the wave or ride something else at this Well, the thing is the communication and also understanding if you enjoy

having sex one thing I don't know. Well, I mean she did say they enjoy having sex the same way we enjoyed having so since we enjoyed having sex, we were trying to find out how we can get back to that enjoyment. It wasn't like sex was just terrible to either one of us was like I'm trying to avoid it. It was like, nah, I wanted back to the way it was. And I think that when you are in a relationship for a long time. Like you said, as ebbs and flows, as life changes. Every time an

adjustment happens in your life, your sex life change. This is a reality, says everything. It changes with movement, It change just with jobs, It changes finances, it changes every single thing. Because sex is so spiritual for people, every time something in your life happens, it changes. And people need to understand that your sex life is not going to be the same all the time just because you're

with the same person. That's a fact. And there's two people dealing with two separate sys of their own issues, then the collective issues forget it. It's just a whole hot mess. It's like all the sex, the babies in here, like he's in there, like ten stuff like oh I hear I hear I hear him nearby. Whenever he whenever he hears my voice, he starts tensing up like yo, yo,

He's just like yo, he's coming, He's coming coming. That was a long That was a long one, Yes, all right, number two, Hey, Codeina de val I was running on my back. Go ahead, do your thing anything. Hi, I was running. If you guys had any advice for someone who hasn't felt sexy since becoming a mom girl. I know, before pregnancy, I was in the gym four days a week. My stomach was flawless. During pregnancy, I ate super healthy

hired to train it to keep me on track. I still gain sixty pounds and had ten pounds a ten pound baby via emergency c section. My son is four now, and I can't get back to my old body. I still work out, I have my old weight, and but that lower stomach is saggy and holds a punch of fat. My husband and friends say I look great, but I do dress to cover my stomach all the time. How do I get back to the feeling like the old me. I would love to wear a two piece or a

tight dress again, but I'm afraid I'll look terrible. Thank you in advance. You guys are amazing and an inspiration. Oh, I understand. I understand. And it's funny because I feel like with she's doing all the things that you would think that you need to do to just stay healthy and stuff, and it's just like, even in doing that, the expectation is that I'm going to work out four days a week, I'm going to be you know, keeping myself on track, hiring a train of eating healthy, and

then you still have a ten pound baby. Some things are just gonna happen because that's just genetics, and it's going to happen. But at the same time too, I know, with emergency c sections or c sections in general, that's a tough for recovery time. Um, And she said that she's still she's still working out, but she's trying to get rid of that lower you know, Well, here's the first situation. The first thing is that her idea of a little sag in her stomach may not be everybody's

idea of a little sag in her stomach. So, for example, a little sag that some people could be fifteen pounds in their stomach, a little sag for some people can be two pounds. It's on how she views herself, right, And I think that's the most important because a lot of times, what I think happens with women who have children is that you'll have your significant other, or you'll have your mother, or you'll have a friend that's just like girl, but you look great for having a baby.

And it's like, I don't want to hear I look great for having It's like an underhand and backhand and compliment. Like, girl, considering all the things, you still look okay. And I think what ultimately only matters to the woman is how she feels she looks about herself, you know herself. Can I just jugal quick, gentlemen, if you're listening, do not ever say this, babe, you bill look good for having a baby. If you put still before and having a baby after, she might smack the ship out of you.

Do never never say that to your baby mother, your wife. Don't ever say that to your sister. If your mom don't say that, do not say it. I'm telling you. And and it's triggering for women who have babies, and it can also cause them to have what I think it's called body dysmorphia, where you view your body differently than what it really looks like. And people have eating disorders based on body This morning, absolutely, my advice to you says, don't wait for that moment where you feel

like you look perfect. Rock the swimsuit. Rock the swimsuit. We're the tight dress. I feel like as long as you know that you're doing your due diligence with working out, you're eating healthy, you're you're trying to get yourself into the old body you know regimen that you were in. If it's a couple of little things, I'm an advocate for, Hey, since you got a little snaggy skin, get you a little little little nip, a little tuck, a suction, do

what you gotta do. You know what I mean? If that's what it's going to mean, because you've done the work and it may just be a little something that cosmetically necessarily, we want to do it for yourself. AM not against her mommy make over after a woman has exhausted all options to get back healthy, because I don't think it's healthy to constantly go under the knife to change your body. If you're not just eating healthy and being healthy. It sounds like she's healthy. Yes, most of them,

and some things you can't work. That's like in my ten years of being exercise specialists and studying kinesiology, I've dealt with pregnant women. Some pregnant women do everything, lose all the weight, lose all the body fat, and their skin still sacks. If you nipping stuff that you gave birth, you gave a life. I have no problems and no judgment for any woman who nip and tucked that, you

know what I'm saying. But I mean it is a little different for women who just gain weight and feel like surgery is an option, because that's just not healthy. You know what I'm saying, This is really not healthy. That has nothing to do with looks. I just want people to be help healthy and at some point I think it's a woman. You just have to embrace the fact that, like, this is what we're working with now too.

You know, there has to be like a real moment that you have with yourself where like, for example, me and my stretch marks, I'm like, the stretch marks are going to be there because their stretch marks are going to be there. Stretch marks are different than if she feels like something in her body just doesn't look like like stretch marks. They're women who never had baby, get stretched more, you got fat, Sometimes you've got stretch marks.

Understanding that that's even sometimes women who haven't have children, that's that's something that they're conscious about. It's sub conscious of My thing is for certain things that you feel like, you know, you just can't get rid of or that's just your body. Now, you're gonna have to learn how to relive your body that way. See you and I can disagree with that. I I am not. I don't promote settling like like I feel like, if there's anything in your life you want you want to do, you

can find a way. You have to do it. So you're saying, for example, with stretch marks, finding like a cosmetic proceduresse I'm talking about those kind of things like we're talking about her. I'm talking about her in particular. She's talking about a little sag in her stomach if her skin is hanging. You know how some people she said she gained sixty pounds, sixty pounds in the short amount of time, her skin could have gotten saggy and they could just be hanging stretchy skin. She wants to

tuck that. Yeah, I get that, But I'm saying there's some things that you may not be able to control. But I understand that. But what I'm saying is that if you can control it, you don't settle and just say I'm happy with the way my body is. But I agree with you have to be if you can control it. You need to be able to say I want to be who I want to be. We get one life, don't. We don't owe anybody else anything, but

we owe ourselves to not settle. And the idea of just settling for anything, to me, it's just not it's just not my mentality. And I'm not saying that my mentality is the right one, but I would say that to you as my wife. Like say, for example, you you gain more weight here, and you never had plastic surgery to nip protuck anything, and you've always gotten abs back. But say we go in, we do a whole year, and you're busting your tail, but that skin is just sagging.

I don't want you to just be like, babe, I'm gonna just settle with this and then have to deal with settling. I want you to say, no, babe, I want to get this corrected. I want to We worked every we we worked our tales off to get exhausting, exhausting. Absolutely can get a little and get a little help.

I promote that. I promote that, especially for moms you've given life like you deserve to lead the way you want to be, and you deserved to feel good about yourself again and look good, absolutely be everything that you want, absolutely for sure, absolutely all right, y'all, that was cool. If you want to be featured as a listener letter,

what did they have to do? Baby? Email us at d E A D A S S A d V I C. And that's the best way to get to a listener letter, possibly on the show because the d M you know, let me be hard at gmail dot com. Oh sorry, you so used to cutting me off that you don't even let me finish the email. My bad, Hold me, my bad. Give us a moment of truth. Talk about true If that's not the pot colon the cattle.

Uh so, pregnancy sex moment of truth? My thing being a woman, being pregnant, experiencing this, listening, listening to my body is always going to trump anything when it comes

to sex during pregnancy. However, I do also want to be cognizant of the fact that I do have a spouse who has needs and desires as well, and if it's within my realm of of of possibility, if it's within my realm of capability in that moment and reflects that I pray for, especially in that first dry um, if it's within those my powers to make it happen for him, just to know that that's something that he needs then I'm going to do it if it doesn't

require me necessarily in a moment feeling like, man, I just don't want to be penetrated in this moment, but I know he needs it. Let me find a way to make it happy for him. And I think it's also about rediscovery and discovering different ways to be intimate with each other. Um, that it can also be a way to help because we know that this is a short term. It feels like first sometimes but it's not a term, but it's really just like you know, it's a short amount of time that you have to kind

of sacrifice on both ends. UM. So women, you know, give yourself a little grace with it and just understand that, yes, your body may not be where you want it to be. Um, but you were, you know, bringing forth an entire life and you know, have those conversations and checking on Bay sometimes, you know, checking on Bay and make sure that he is trying to stay afloat. You know, that's a little bit, a little bit can go a long way when it comes to just getting you back to a place of

genuine smile. But you said a little spit and go a long way. What do you say little nasty little spit and go long. A little bit can go a long way by just paying attention, paying attention to the science. When he starts huffing and puffing up in this mission, I know what time it is, I'm like, okay, you know I don't be one to eat. Shut up? Can he be lying on me crying? I do not crying, but I do be pounding alright. My moment of truth for pregnancy sex um, My moment of truth is this um.

Once you're your significant other, your wife, baby mother, becomes pregnant, her body is no longer your object of affection. Her body is there to be a tool to bring forth life. So you have to give her grace and also give yourself grace. But also understand this, that woman, while pregnant, needs to feel wanted and attractive. That is important for

the remainder of your life together. So if you dismiss her and leave her alone because you need distance because y'all can't have sex so you don't have no need for her or be around her until she has the baby, that's the worst thing you could ever do. You need to constantly be intimate with your significant other, be there with her still grab on that booty, rub on her, let her know that she's attractive, because that's going to help her mentally and emotionally get through these nine to

ten months together so and and thereafter. So that's that's my um. That's my momentum truth. Oh and lastly, um, no matter how much she argues with you in the first tround mixt if she keeps throwing up, do not let her give you head whatever. Be sure to follow us y'all on social media, did as the podcast and you know you can find me at Cadena. I am

and I Am Devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe baby, and share these episodes with people who know we're on the brink, because people, we have the babies left and right, and I'll be out here suffering, suffering. So I'm hoping that there's some takeaways for y'all episodes that you are not alone. Everything that you have gone through and you're going through, we have been there. We still made it. We did

we make it all. You got no choice. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Nora Opinia and Triple follow The podcast on social media at Dead as the Podcasts and Never miss a Thing