Shackin’ Up

thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead adds is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to think, Phil talk to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now.

Story time. This is when take us bank to two thousand and two thousand and sixteen, two sixteen, right before Cairo was born. We had moved back to our apartment in New York. Money was tight, wasn't low. Money was tight. We had a plan on moving out, so we were trying to save money. Blah blah blah. Kadina and I had gotten too a huge argument because I had looked at the American Express bill and she had spent I think it was something like six hundred dollars in Starbucks

one month. It was. It was crazy. The reason why I remember six hundred dollars was because you had went to Starbucks practically like every day, and it was thirty days in a month, and it was my Starbucks. So I was, yil, this is six dollars on Starmucks. So I went through every single itemized thing of that codein has spent, right, And her argument was that a lot of the stuff that she bought was for the house. And I was just like, well, that's because you like

to live a certain way. I don't need that. I could rough it. I'm good. So Condeine said, oh, Willie, So I go to the bathroom. After about a couple of days, going to the bathroom, I noticed that the toilet paper has changed. There's no more charming. It's straight, single ply toilet paper, right, and this ship hard like blue sleeve paper. So now my asshole is sore because I'm using the single plot sand paper toilet paper, and I'm like, you will take a ship about three five

times a day. I have very hom taber puppy three or four times a day. So my my ship is on fire. So now I got my little extra money. I'm by a and deointment, right, and I'm just trying to make sure my my booty good. Right. So one day, one day, I go into ka closet because she had her own closet. Me being a husband, I am make sure she got home closet with her shoes and stuff. She had a walk in closet, right. I walk in there to get something. What do I find in the

corner Sharman toilet paper? So Shorty, Shorty was not only having me going here with the royal ass, right, I'm walking around with the royal ass she hiding Sharman toilet paper in her closet. So I'm like, oh, this is what we're doing this, So what we're doing now? All right? So I go to the bathroom one day, I take an extra long shower, right, petty extra loan shower. I'm in the shower and conians like if I'm trying to get in there, right, so I get out the shower.

I'm feeling good. I feel great, right, get out the shower. While I'm laying there on the bed, I'm counting it down three one, I'm like, what happened? She said, you use on my hair products? I said, correction, I didn't use it. I just flushed it down and toilet. Now he's wasting money, y'all, wasting money on my good, good hair products, my good up stuff, you know. And that

started the petty wars. I want to love you, Oh, I want to love you every day and every night we'll be twigether yeah, with a rue friend over our heads. We'll share the shelter of my single bit until did that wants to complain to me about you're wrong for that? Bro? How you gonna have a man walking around here with his raw you know what? Walking around So we can dissect that story time, all right, like a cowboy cheeks

was on fire. Let's go face some bills and we'll come back to this dis sex story time and explain what was going on all y'all. All right, and we're back, y'all. So about this toilet paper situation and to hear supplies, Okay, check our real petty, real quick, okay. But the best part about it was, well, two things, My mom, glad you're coming to the apartment. Do you remember when my

mom came to the apartment. How could I forget? And she used the bathroom right, and oh mom, this was shortly after Devil was having his episode with the cardboard ass toilet paper. Right. My mother came by one day and she was helping, you know, with the kids and stuff like that and whatnot. And I remember her being in the bathroom and screaming out Goddean as only Mimi can call on name that weight. And I was like, what's the matter? What happened? What kind of toilet paper

is this you bought? I'm here trying to wipe myself on my hand, just bust through the paper like that, exactly exactly. I was like, my exactly, well what kind of force were you trying to wipe yourself? But I feel was it necessary? And she was like, when you find this toilet paper? Why what where's the charming? Where's it this one here? What's going on with this toilet paper? I'm like, well, what's going on with you? You got stock in charming? Everybody is so concerned about charmante you.

But you'll be the main one wrapping the toilet paper around your hand. You don't need that. You don't necessarily need to be wrapping and wrapping and wrapping. You'll be wrapping it. I don't be wrapping it out. I don't be rapping. How many cubes don't average? You used to wipe? How many cubes don't average? Cut on average? I was saying, depending on the day, depending on what's happening. Okay, it could be four to five depends. No, guys, she's lying.

I I know because I count my cubes. I use no more than five cues of toilet paper to wipe. So because I fold fold, if you're go into the bathroom after me, I'll be folding the cubes and make sure that it's I get the most maximum usage. I go in there sometimes after you. It'd be a whole half a roll in it. And all she did was peace. That be your kids, That be a kid, No son. First of all, you haven't had a vagina, So until you know what it takes to white one, don't talk

to me about how many cubes I use. Touche touche. But I do know. I do know it can't take you more than three cubes to pack that cat. You gotta pack the cat with three cubes. You can't use more than three cubes. Being't wasteful. That's a whole pack cat three Pat cat, three cubes. Pat the cat with three cubes. Pat the cat with three ques. That's all you need. That's all. It's gonna be a new rule in the house put up there. Well, I'm the only girl in the house now, so nobody's gonna be clocking

my toilet paper usage at all. What you need to check is your little boys. We'll be doing a whole lot of rolling out now. But that was the best when my mom was literally like, what kind of doing the way when I wipe myself the way my hand bust through the paper like that, And I was like, okay, first of all, t M, I go washing hands before you didn't even leave the beast, go wash your hands. This.

Then her and did the upper seeds to have a conversation about me and this bumass toilet paper that I got exactly, And then he asked mom to bring him home some sample packs of the andy at home so that you didn't have to buy Andy. It is barred from the baby. I mean, hey, I worked out your mother saved your mother saved our marriage. We're lathering up yere, you're coming here. If she didn't come in here and complain about that toilet paper, I would have left. Well.

I had to say to her with my I got the stash in my my, my closet. Just you know, let's get to me the show, because this weapening in people's isms. Al Right, y'all dealing with people's isnes. What are the signs that you're ready to move in or not? Were not? Well? The first sign that you are ready

to move in, it's good communication. Right. We talk about communication all the time on this show, but I'm explaining to you why communication is important when you move in, right, when you're dating someone and you'll have a spat, right, or y'all have an issue. People tend to say, you know what I'm going I don't have to take yes, I'm going home, so you can do that. Come on, man, it's my boy, cracles family, name anything thing they didn't.

It's a rare condition this day in age to read any good news on the newspaper, but page that's what the toilet paper felt like newspaper. It felt like newspaper, was it at least the sports section? No, I'm still pissed. But anyway, when you when you are in a relationship with someone and your only refuge is leaving them, When when I have an argument, when you move in, there's no leaving right. So now I got a problem with you, you got a problem with me, and I gotta stare

at you in the face. But we gotta sleep in the same room. That it kind of prepares you to learn how to communicate even before you get married. And here's the truth. Cadan says, she's she was all for shocking up. She wasn't. She wasn't all for shocking up two thousand and seven when I was living. Now she's gonna say, no, let's go back to I'm talking about shacking up for the purposes of knowing what it's like to live with somebody. Let's go back to the pressure.

Remember the pressure, Remember the conversation, Remember the conversation that we had. You were just like, I don't want to be shocking up and be nobody's living girlfriend. That's a genuine issue for people. Oh yeah, talking about just shocking up in general. You mean, okay, right, so you weren't all for just shocking up, like we were trying to be purposeful about learning how to live with each other.

Well also too, I think shocking up made sense for us two because we felt like, okay, here, we are a couple in our young twenties, right, we are trying to decide what it's going to look like for us to exist together, what our future is gonna look like, because, like we've said on previous shows, we've always talked very openly about our goals, our dreams, our hopes, things that

we wanted to accomplish. So in my mind, I'm like, okay, what sense does it make that I graduate from college, well, now grad school, right, because I don't have to pay for housing in grad school. I'm now twenty three graduating from grad school. You are, now, you know, working in the NFL, are doing what you're doing? Does it really make sense just for the sake of saying it, or

just so that our parents could feel better? In our grandparents and all of our ancestors, they're gonna feel better because Okay, Cadine is paying rent over here to homeboy that we don't even know. Deval is paying rent to

another homeboy over here that we don't even know. There's are two different rents that are going out of two people's accounts where they can just collectively work together if they're living together to pay one rent to then have the plan to say that other money to eventually purchase a home. To me, that just made sense in that moment, right. It wasn't necessarily a matter of just propose on time. That's because I'm just like, Okay, where's the next level

of our relationship going? And that's and that's the reason why I said the whole thing about the pressure is that's the argument for some people, especially women, are just like, I'm not moving in because if I move in and then I'm playing wife and I don't have a ring, and then things are getting comfortable and getting comfortable. But you just explained all the reasons why I feel like

it made sense for us to move into. Financially it made sense, but us, it made sense for us to learn how to communicate when it's like, here signs you're ready to move in. You have good communication, You talk about finances regularly, which we do. You served you survived a big argument, which we did. You talk through your relationship problems, which we did. You talk and agree about

goals and expectations in your relationships, we did. Um, you can talk honestly about moving in together, which we did, and you can talk about your deepest fears from moving in together. The reason why those last three are very important is because those aren't talking about the rainbows and sunshine and moving into together. Because there's there's more rainy days when you live together than there is rainbows and

sunshine when you're learning. And and I'm going to preface that by saying, they are more rainy days than rainbows and sunshine when you're learning. Once you've learned and you understand each other, the rainbow and sunshine days far out number the rainy days. You want to know something that's rainy often in the house now that we live together, even twenty years later, learning people's is ms and learning people's things, and like they're little ways, you know what

I'm saying. And I'm saying this at risk of sounding crazy because I know I had my ways. Okay, I just want to put one of the vows ways out there right. Okay, So my husband, love them to death, you know, has this thing where he likes to just like step out of his clothes and just leave it at the edge of the bed. I have a system. He just leaves it at the edge of the bed, and I'm like, bro, I'll clean everything in the room around, make the bed. That's that and third, but then there's

just like this pile of clothes there. So if you're a person that just like gets irked by people's is ms or little things and you have pet peeves, those are things that you want to realize early on that you're cann decide, Okay, I am just going to deal with this because that's just what he does. And he's just cute when he leaves the ship at the side of the bed on the floor. And I'm trying to push your going in now, I don't try to be my friend now. Don't try now, because you put my

business down the street. Now you trying to be my friends talking about here. It's all right because I I got equal business. I'm sure, and I said that I know. But it's just one of those things. People are going to have things that are gonna irk your nerves and you cannot walk away from that when you were living together with somebody, So think about that before moving in? What is your tolerance for pet peeves and is ms? Because if your threshold is not high for it, you

might just be in a conundrum. That is really good because the next one the list was said, it said you accept the other person, you accept their mess, you make literally and decision. You make the decision. It says you can't go in believing you'll change your partner to think and live as you do. Right be, could you naturally want the person to be comfortable in their space, So you don't want to come into a situation where you're moving in and now you're micromanaging how that person

should be living. For all that, stay your ass over in your own place. Right, Oh, you didn't tell this to your system? What's your system? Or my system of stepping out of my clothes? So when I stepped out of my clothes right there in the bed right like that my little shorts area. That's because MEMI often comes

into the room to get the baby. Right, what if I'm naked and I gotta grab some shorts, I can step right into my shorts about the shorts beyond, as opposed to walking all the way to the closet pass Uh, meet me with my dangle laying out. I'm trying to be respectful, so I keep the shorts right there by

the bed. I feel like that's a good, pretty good system, especially before me me though, you've been doing this since like college, because in college I had to jump in my shorts to be a five thirty a m workout, So I used to have my girdle and my shorts right there by the bed. As soon as that alarm ring, I don't want to waste no time. I used to step right in some the joints and I'm join us up, brush my teeth, go to workouts. I have a system. Okay,

I guess judge my system. I don't judge you for sweeping dirt into the corner of the room and collecting it there for weeks at a time. I don't judge you for that. I don't judge you for keeping the messiest bathroom in the story of bathroom. My bathroom is not messy. My side is that messy. It just has a lot of things. I use a lot of products. Okay, so there's not mess there's just products. Okay, hey, fine, And that dirt sweeping, that dirt thing is like it's

old news. I don't do that anymore. I used to, though, I was a chronic sweep everything to a corner because I couldn't find the dust span in the moment. So it's like whatever, I got a whole bunch of them, all right. We gave one some wigs randomly places, looking like whole heads, scaring the ship out of me. It'd be dark in this house. I'm already scared because this

house is being and dark. I'm walking by someone. I'm think it's an intrude to no k gotta league on the back of the coffee table, big just how about made me drying wig? And the wine day? My mother's wig hanging off of this bottle of wine scared the piss out of me. I turned the corner to go to the pantry because number one, I was hot. You know, when you high, you'd be hungry and paranoid. Now I'm

hungry in paranoid. I go to the pantry to go get me something to eat, and there's a curly wig just sitting there on the wine rack, almost ship on myself. Good thing we got to apply toilet paper now, because that's in abundance of ointment. Yes, compliments of Dakoda. But that's also when you learn to live with people, you understand what their isms are. So when you see a random wig for dirty bathroom, you don't get all excited and get you don't absolutely not even the kids. No

cats is like that mimi's hair. It is what it is, alright. And another sign or more signs Rather you live rich and independent lives. That's that's cute, rich and independent lives. So once you move in, you will spend more time with your partner. Resentment can grow if you don't have your own life outside of your relationship and read one

one one more time man. Resentment can grow if you don't have your own life outside of your relationship creating routines together that will help you build a home in a bond. But keeping your independence will keep you or will help you rather in the long run, and taking

alone time when you need it. One of the biggest um complaints I get from people when they move in with their partner, significant other, wife, husband, whatever, is that one person is always a little bit more clingy than the other and once they first move in, it's now I'm going to spend all my time with you because we're living together, but then that person becomes your entertainment.

So when that person doesn't make you feel good or that person doesn't make you feel comfortable in this space, you tend to blame that person for why you're feeling down because you don't have your own independent life, and

then it's like no one else in your face. Because a lot of times sometimes I may just be, you know, white, might have woke up on the wrong side of the bed, or just been, you know, kind of having a lot on my mind and I kind of just want to be alone, or you know, in devout me like why are you sitting in this room by yourself? Or you know, why you why are you this? Or he may feel like I'm taking something out on hit on him, and I'm like, bro, I'm not trying to take it out

on you. You just happen to be the other person that's in this space with me right now. I can't go anywhere to be alone in this moment. I can't be alone in a funk somewhere, and it's not necessarily a responsibility to bring me out of the funk, because I feel like, sometimes that's what you felt, you felt like, Okay, if she's not in a good mood and she's in the house with me, and then I have to find a way to get her out of it. Sometimes you just want to be alone, and that becomes difficult when

you have nowhere to go because you live together. And I'll be honest with you, that's that's one of the biggest things too to learn, is that the person you live with may not always want to be around you. That hurts. I'm saying. If you're a social person and you're used to being around people and this is the person you're madly in love with, you feel like when y'all moving together, we're gonna watch movies together, we're gonna make out all the time, we're gonna be on each other.

Then you're going there one day and that person look at you like then it's like, what did I do? But it's really nothing that you did. This person just wants their space. And a lot of times you don't realize that you may do that to the other person. You know what I'm saying, because I used to say to you all the time, like you know, like I'm always running after you, always trying to find you. But then I don't realize when I go down in the man cave to be by myself. It's literally the same

same exactly. Now I have to go find you and I'm like, well, why did you leave me in the room and go on? You do that a lot. I do do that a lot. But that's also something I had to realize, right, I was telling you to not do things that hurt my feelings while realizing I was doing those things. That's accountability, right. You would go in the room to get your own space, and I'm like,

why you're always leaving me? But then I didn't realize that I used to leave and go in the man cave in the theater by myself to have my own time. Because when you're focusing on your own time, you're so focused on your own time, you don't realize how you're doing that is affecting other people, and it only matters to you when when they do it, it affects you. And we just have our favorite parts of the house. Like I just enjoy our bedroom. He enjoys the theater.

So it's like I want to be like I would invite you to my favorite place to how about you just coming handed out in the middle day and I'm just like no, I just we should just be able to spend time in our room together because that's just my favorite place, which is person And I think that having an independent lifestyle is very important for mental health because your sanity, your happiness cannot be predicated on someone else's existence, because then then they're always gonna fall short,

they're always gonna feel inadequate, and you're always gonna feel like you're pulling teeth or reaching for something that's not there. Absolutely, So this one I don't know, because this is one of the reasons why we did this. It says you're not doing it for convenience, So don't move in with the spouse to save money. Convenience may make other parts of your life better, but it won't improve your relationship.

If your only reason to move in with each other is to save money, then that's a horrible reason to move in together. And then that that then you're looking for a roommate like you're not really looking for a spout for a relationship situation, You're just looking to save money. So if two people are you know, can amically live together and say all right, well I just need to save money, you need to save money and then we can just come and go and do our own thing.

Then fine, but not being the sole purpose. It can't be the sole person, because that makes sense. The sole purpose has to be because I love serving this person so much that I would want to be around them more often. That has to be the sole purpose. Everything

else is a byproduct. Of course, you save money and it's more convenient when you live together, but it has to be something you want to do, not feeling like, oh, it's something I have to do now because this will help me in a different aspect of my life, right, because the focus will just be saving money, and then what else. You know, you're on the same page about your relationship, so that spirals into that, don't ignore your relationship problems. Issues will grow once you move in together

if they have not been addressed. Absolutely absolutely that is I don't even no explanation, that's just. But then and I went through this. There was a point where we were talking about getting separated and talking about possibly getting a divorce, and then we were thinking about how inconvenient it would be for us to not be living under the same roof, and then we started thinking about how much we would hate not being around each other. Because

here's the truth. As mad as I am Atcadeean, at times, I feel exponentially better when I know she's safe in the house. So with me, yes with me. So so for me, it's like I can be mad, I'm fine on mad. And this is before we even had the big house, when we lived in the apartment. Even if I'm mad and she's in the kitchen and I'm in the living room, or she's in the living room and I'm in the dining room, I'm fine with that as long as I can see her and I know she's okay.

Because the things that used to hurt me was when she used to get mad and she'd be out somewhere or driving. My biggest fear is that something happens to her while she's in a rage or she's upset. So um for me, just living together just was it was always important for me to know that you were always safe. You know, you're definitely on the same page with that, because my soul would not rest and that's not new.

Like a couple of times, you know, back in the day of that, we get man, he's like, I'm on my brother's house or go to my father, and I would think the same thing too, Like, God forbid something happens on the way you just left me in this rage,

and then God forbid something happens. Then what um? And even though we'd be pissed at each other and you may have to be in the living room or I'll be in the living room in another room, just the fact that we knew it, okay, at least he's breathing around the corner right even I hate that motherfucking breath right now. I hate that breath. But at least he's breathing in my vicinity. So be good. Ain't nothing better when your partner is trying to apologize or break the ice.

So y'all haven't talked for a couple of hours and everything is like super thick in the apartment, beyond saying nothing. And then she walks in with your favorite red shorts on, her crop top shirt on with no bra, and she rolls her eyes. She goes, are you hungry? And it's like, oh, that's your apology, And she's like, ilogi, I wonder if you're hungry, cause I'm about to eat. I don't want to hear nothing. Then she turned around real slow and stared back at you and it's like, I'm gonna make

your favorite sandwich. Then you like I know, she was, she ready for this to be over, Like those be the best part at that part, it's like I get it. I get when I see the red co ed shorts. I know you'll probably have seen them on Instagram or YouTube because k knows if those are my favorite shorts, and she knows I've had those shorts since I was oh my god six, when I first fact that they can still fit me. They do not hit you the same way, They do not fit you the same way,

but they fit though they do. So that's that back in the day fabric that you can wash for years and years and years and it should still be intact. No holes, no friends. That's true though, the elasticity in the waist, those those shorts over twenty years old, and it's the co wed still on them in the back right,

and get washed out and get washed out. Um well, when I first met you, those shorts were appropriate for you to wear because you used to wear the camp and they would come down to Alicia mid now things almost like they ain't about to right at murder. That's what it is. Yes, the whole last. That's some of the favorite things about living with somebody. Yeah, you get to see them in all of their glory all the time.

But let's get back to um. Yeah, you stayed together before, so taking a trip or extended stay together right for periods of time will help you to see these hidden facts about how your spouse lives. Yeah, because there's nothing like meeting this beautiful pageant girl and you're just so enamored by how long her hair is and how pretty she is and how perfect her smile is and her

body is amazing. And then y'all staying together for the first time, and then she rolls over and you find out that she wears a retainer, so you reach over to give her a kiss, and you're like, hey baby, and she's just like whom And You're like, why are you talking like that? And now she drooling in her sleep and she snores retainer and you've all in never about this woman just to find out that just realis a guy. Y'all. That was as real as it got.

When I tell you, I never forget the talk you had on this is the first night you stayed with me. You had on that lavender boy, short broad combination. I was like, like, my baby, right did And then he was laying in the bed, turned over and I had my arm around you, threw my leg on. You was spooning, and I was like you baby, and you're like yes, and I was like, I was like, that's a pretty on, spot on, like Daffy Duck impersonation that you're doing. And

he was like, what what do you mean? I was like, why did you sound like that right now? And you literally said suffering for my retainer and I was like wow, wow, I was I'm gonna ask you for some head, but I don't want to know more. I'm not capping. I'm not capping. I didn't want to get no head. At that point, I couldn't even know if he was breathing because you was breathing like everything was off from like your You should have went to the n T doctor

because your ear nose and throat was all clogged. The retainer just had it all sorts of fun up. But I still tries. I had to pay for straight teeth and I will not apologize. Don't apologize, retainer, and you would have seen me pre braces. They need to be making fun of me for a whole another thing. You'll be calling me bugs bunny. You went from bugs to day. Yes, you went from bugs to daffie, and I appreciate it. Death is way better anyway, you better? Okay? Is it

sad for a break? It? Because right now we can take a break and get back to some listen to let we'll be back, y'all. Alright, we're back listen at the time. We've told y'all way too much about devots as. You know that y'all have learned all the things. I'm sure more things than not that you care to learn about today. So let's learn about y'all. Okay, how about we gett into these listed as. Has never been the same since that putty battle like like this is yo,

Like I was so pissed. Come on, that's a very forgiving area. It should have healed by now. It definitely healed. Alright, definitely healed. But it's not the same. It's not the same. I feel like it just gets irritated way too quickly. I was started getting the flushable wipes not right, because you can't use regular wipes the flesh. That's what I'm saying. Now, I gotta use fleshable age No, it comes to your

wife setting you up for for disaster. Think about in your lifespan, how much ass wiping you have to do, like in your entire lifespan. That's a lot of trauma to that area. Charming, you don't have a problem when you use sandpaper and sticks and rocks because your wife's trying to approve a point. That's what happens. And ever since you put out my hair product, my hair and never been the same. I'm over here having a Beijing

my ship, all right, so we we both even, right. Anyhow, let's get into your Listen, no letters, because we can go on for days about this. Now you go first for a change. How about that perfect, I'll read the second one. Hey, my name is Mohammed Zidan. I've been with my girlfriend for fifteen months, and lately we've been doing terrible. She told me I heard her, and she doesn't want She doesn't want to build me anymore because I don't communicate or update her, and she didn't feel

loved anymore. I'm in school to be a registered nurse and I work with my dad at a convenience store, so I have no time to take her out. Oh, take her out at all, and I've been really focused on my dad's business in school because I know once I become a nurse, life will be better for us and I will be more free to take her out

and treat her good. Bro, that's all one sentence. That's a whole paragraph, Mohammed, I love you and I'm so thankful for you right in, But that was a paragraph for no period in there, the whole paragraph no period. That was amazing, that was a full thought. But in the process, I forgot that I needed a period. No. I forgot that I needed to communicate and and keep her happy right now so we both could get to the future. She wants nothing to do with me, but I'm in love with her and I don't want to

lose her. But she heard this so many times. She doesn't believe I really changed and wants to do better. She always sends me videos of both of your Instagram because we really look up to y'all. So can you help me out please and tell me if there is a if this is regular for couples to go through, and tell me if y'all been through something like this before and how y'all dealt with it. Please, It would mean the world to me. So O Mohammed with the home girl cute. I love that, and he's working to

be a registered nurse. That's that's dope. We need more male nurses out there, So Mohammed. From two thousand and ten to two thousand and four, Team Kadina and I had just got married, and this was four years I had made a decision that I was going to focus solely on getting into TV, film and building my business. With that being said, I had to make sacrifices. Kady didn't getting no designer bags, we didn't go on any

fancy dates, we didn't go on any vacations. The two of us committed to sacrificing that moment for the rest of our lives. So we did what we had to do in those moments to live the way we wanted to live for the rest of our lives. As long as you communicate with your spouse or your significant other what your plan is, they'll feel comfortable in that moment

with you because you're doing it together. If you neglected to tell her that you didn't forget about her, but you're working towards something in the future, she's gonna believe that you just forgot about her. That absolutely there was not a data went by, especially for me coming from the NFL and con at least spoiling Codeine. Right, I didn't feel horrible or not about not being able to do the same things for her at that point in

our marriage, especially because we had just got married. But you'll be shocked and how resilient the ones that love you are when it comes to the things they need and want if it's gonna be for the betterment of YouTube collectively, because Codeine definitely didn't. And Codeine loves bags, she loves shoes, she loves to travel, she loves to be spoiled. But for those four years, I never got to complaint. This is the this is the facts. Codeine never said to me, you don't never to take me nowhere.

And when I tell you, we didn't go nowhere, we didn't go nowhere Like date nights, we had creative, we were in the house known. There was no Ruth Chris, there was no Del Friscos, there was no we didn't we were Busters Blockbuster. We're just building and m There's nothing wrong with going through that part of your relationship together.

If you both speak on yeah, I think on the flip side, Mohammed, Um, coming from maybe her perspective just not feeling necessarily included in the plan or feeling like she's a part of the plan Um can also to be a little bit a bit of a turn because you're just kind of unsure about what what's happening here? What's the purpose right? Um? What are we working towards?

And if she's really invested, and if she's really in love with you and really loves you and can see a future with you, then she really honestly should have no problem being able to say, you know what, babe, this is going to be a sacrificial point for both of us because we know if we just like put our heads down and we just work and we work, and we work right now, we can definitely see the

benefits of it later. Now. I don't know much about her, but if she's a homegirl that's looking to just you know, say hey, I'm looking for all the things now now now, because let's be for real, that's what social media has people feeling, like, you know, being in these relationships that all this fancy ship is happening now, especially younger like I'm looking at even well in their twenties, you know, mid twenties that are just out there doing lavish things,

you know, with whatever opportunities they have. If she's looking for that and she's not willing to stick around for that um long haul with you, then that also might be worth the conversation as well. So I think it all goes back to you just being really transparent with her about your intentions. Um, and maybe a timeline. You know, divin I used to talk about things in terms of years, like, Okay, what's our goal for this year? You know, where we see ourselves in the next two years, where we see

ourselves in the next five years. You know that also too, can kind of give at least something that feels a little bit more tangible than it's just empty promises what it may seem like. But we also can't let him off the hook, right. If you have to describe wealth in one word, that word is time. People find time for the things that are important to them. If she's important to to you, you gotta find time for her.

Bro and time costs you nothing, you know, Take her and take her to a park, you know, um, make us get you find out what her favorite movie is, Make a a movie night. Hell you find on a convenience store, get hug get some sandwiches, get some snacks, put that in a basket. Get you a blanket or a sheet out your mama's closet or yours. Spread that sh it out and it's the whole picnic bow dollar tree. You get some candles, make it cute. Get you some

little candles or whatever. Make a cute, some little rose petals or whatever. Make you for the convenience store. Tell Danyo, make the time. Make the time, bro more than anything else. Make the time there we go, time to spend in time to communicate. Al right, Second question, Hey to Valcande. First, I'd like to say that I absolutely love y'all. I've been following your family since the Val was trying to get the boys dressed and out of the house when

Cairo was just a baby. Y'all are a dope as family. Thank you so much. It's been a minute. Carol was a whole last grown man. Now I'm a thirty three year old woman has who has been with my husband for eight years, married for almost five. We're married for two years before our we had our first child. When our daughter just four months old, I found out I was pregnant again with our son. We had babies back to back, so they're just eleven point five months eleven

and a half months apart. My daughter is two and my son is sixteen months. Before the babies, our marriage was amazing. Sex was off the charts, date nights were often, and we were literally literally didn't have much to argue about. We spent time together and put one another first. We're truly best friends. After having two not so good pregnancies, hubby didn't adjust well to the pregnancy hormones two times um our marriage started to decline. I feel like I'm

a married, single mom. I worked full time as an elementary school teacher, maintaining our home, soul, chef and everything to take care of our very active toddlers. He feels like I put the kids first, and I've forgotten how to be a wife. I literally have no energy from my husband after working, cooking and being a mom. I've expressed that he if he would help more than I

would have more energy for him. I've started to build resentment towards my husban and because I feel like he does the bare minimum to help with our kids and I want him to help more and be a true partner. I've communicated this to my husband, but there has been no consistent change. I want my marriage and desire to keep my family together. How can I get my husband to be the partner I need and bring the spark

back into our marriage. There's two things we don't the chicken or the egg in this in this sense, right, he says she forgot how to be a wife. She says he's not really good to being a father in a productive partner. We don't know which came first. Right, of course, she had two tough pregnancies. Right, We don't know if because of the hormones, her attitude pushed him away, or we don't know if his neglect during the pregnancy

pushed her away. You see what I'm saying. It would be nice to hear both of their perspective, so we can kind of put a timeline together which came first, Because once you know which came first, then you can attack the root problem. All the other problems become eye products of the root problem. Right. For example, A lot of times, and you and I have talked about this

during pregnancy. Then after pregnancy, when you are a mom, some women lose sight of the fact that you still have to be a wife and be of service to your husband the same way your husband has to continuously be of service to you even when you have kids. Right as a partner, as a spouse, you don't get the chance. You don't get an opportunity to say, well, I'm no longer serving you because we have kids. That's both sides. Husband does not allow to say that, and

a wife is not allowed to say that. So we we have to be cognizant as partners and spouses that we have a responsibility to continuously take care of each other while having kids. You don't get to put that aside, you know what I'm saying. Well, you had gotten a little backlash once when you had said that you put me before the kids. Yes, and um, we were just

kind of like, why would we not? Well this this is why you get back because people tend to be idiots right when they'll say they'll say stuff like which comes first, the kids or your spouse? They want to equate that too. There's one piece of chicken left in the house, who are You're given a piece of chicken to your kids or your spouse, and then you have to make a decision, and based on the decision you make, you know what I'm saying, that decides whether or not

you're good person. Not that's not how life works. If all the kids are full and there's one piece of chicken left, so my wife is gonna get it because she's hungry. Context, Like, people need to understand there's context with these stupid ask questions. They ask to kind of put people in the box. Right. I will always put my wife first, mainly because my wife and I are

the ones who created this life together. My wife is a better mom when I put her first, so she'll be better for the kids if I make sure that she is good in all aspects of life. That's one

thing I can appreciate. And that's always mentality. Right. That's why we said, you know in the previous podcast, why we have met and Papa here because you felt like if I can help to take some of these stress, some of the you know, the demands off of you on a day to day basis, think that will free up time for you to be more of a wife and a spouse. To me, yes, and people need to understand that when they have kids. A lot of people when they get kids and this is not me talking

because I've done it perfectly. I've done the same thing. There's been times where I've been so invested in our children that I forgot to be a husband, you know what I'm saying, And that that happens if you're not constantly doing evaluations of yourself and saying, wait a minute, wait a minute, when's the last time I've done this for my wife? This just happened, but two nights ago.

I I thought I was doing a fairly good job of bouncing back after Dakota and just trying to get back to my routine of things and trying to make sure that you were taken care of and we're spending time together. And then Dakota gets sick, and then I'm literally instantly in mom mode. I'm just like baby, baby, baby, baby baby, And was just like damn, I feel like I lost my girlfriend again, Like where did you go?

And I'm just like, bro, I'm in my mode right now because I need to be because our baby is sick. Are you really going to be upset? Because like, right now can't have all the attention on you. But it's also just like a give and take, like you have to know when things, who needs what more more in that one moment, you know what I'm saying, and making sure that it's balanced, because then we have the nights where we have date nights where I'm like, all right,

these two nights of the week. You know, I want to try to make sure that Mimi keeps the baby downstairs so I can focus on He'll be time. You know, I understand that. But what happens is is sometimes you tend to think that you're doing everything in your power, but you're not utilizing the assets that I've helped provide you that you can be a girlfriend mom. Right, So, for example, if the baby is sick and not feeling well, your mom is not only a dope grandmother and mother

of three kids, she's also a registered nurse. So if anybody can take care of the baby, it's her. And if the baby is not in a dire need for their parents, let the help help. That's why mom lives here. Mom lives here for those purposes. You take away Mom's power away when you don't allow her to help when she really wants to help, and then say to me

with the vow you know I gotta do this. Actually, you don't have to do it, because there's a lot of times I have to delegate responsibilities to your mom or your dad when I have to make sure I'm doing things to make sure you're okay. And I think that we as spouses have to learn that it is okay to say, you know what, my child does need me, but I've created create a great space here where my child is going to be taken care of. Let me

make sure my spouse is okay. It's not okay to always put your spouse on the back burner, like it's not always okay with that your your spouse always get what's left over. Nobody always wants to be I'll deal with you after because like she said, she said, I do this, I do that, I am help with the kids, to help with this, but at the end of the day. So then now you're trying to get back to your husband at the end of the day. And she she's

not the only person that does that. I know. I've done that plenty of times when I got so into Jackson's basketball and then still I have to train, and then I have to meet with my castmates for for readings, and then Cairo wants to work out, and I'm realized a couple of days have gone by and I'm like, oh, shoot, I haven't even hugged on a kissed on my wife. I haven't checked on my wife. So it's not a thing that just moms do it. Dad's do it too. I got so engrossed in what Jackson and Cairo needed

and what I needed for my career. I forgot to be a husband. And it's okay when you realize that you forgot, but now you got to fix it and make sure that that doesn't become a pattern. It's the pattern that becomes the problem. Because if it's just a couple of times that happens here and there, we get it. She gets busy stuff all through the tracks. We're adults. We can understand that, you know. But yeah, it's when things become a pattern. And I think what happened in

her circumstance too. She said that he's not agreeing to help more with the children. So it's like she all she has left at the end of the day is no energy because she's been doing everything all day. So I'm curious to know why he is not as involved with the children to kind of help meet her. You know if it means like, Okay, she cooks dinner and he does bathtime, or like, how do they distribute the help in the house so to make sure that they can both have time for each other. This is way

I read between the lines. She said he had a tough time dealing with the hormones. Typically that means I'm not responsible for the things I did. And I said, because it was the hormones and my husband was not used to dealing with it, doesn't that says the hormones. That's not an excuse for you behaving poorly postpartument the same time, which we've been. We've been been, so I understand that. But that makes you wonder like, okay, if if your hormones are that bad, were you even receptive

to him helping? Because here's the thing I've noticed, even with moms, don't worry, I got it. Don't worry, I got it. Do it this way, let me do it, do it this way. Fine, you do it your way. Now I'm letting you do it your way. And you don't even want to help. Come on, bro, did we have this conversation? You have friends recently? Yes, you have to let dad's and and this is not me taking aside when I'm pointing out are things that happened in

relationships that people don't realize happen. For example, a dude may be dealing with the fact that their wife is going through hormonal changes, so he steps back, which is something you shouldn't do. Or she may not want him to help the way he wants to help because his version of help doesn't look like hers, which you shouldn't do, so he steps back. You see what I'm saying. We have to dissect with the problem came from before we can even help these people, because I kind of want

to know, like, well, what happened first. Definitely get his perspective because they were best friends. Let friends don't just quit on each other. Now, something had to happen, and it's a rough patch man, Like once she was introduced. They were married for eight years, almost five and they were married for two before they had their daughters, so they had a nice little stint was just the two of them, and kids can totally just coming in and

chap and screw ship up. And here's the truth. Guys, don't don't feel guilty or be upset when you don't. I saw what I mean, neither think it was. Kid. Kid was talking about how he just don't like being a parent all the time, and sometimes he has to go in the room and just scream or talk to himself because he's like, I don't like these little people having so much control over my life. But then people will make people will feel guilty about it, like this

is such a blessing. I'm supposed to like it. It's a change, and it's okay for you to not be comfortable in that change, but find ways to cope, you know what I'm saying. And it's the same thing when you you know, when you have your kids and your wife.

There are times where I look at my wife and she's all running around my kids, and everything is the kids, kids, kids, all day, all day, all day, and then at nighttime when I want to watch a movie or something, that she's passed out, like damn, I just wanted my girlfriend, Like I wanted to watch a movie. I wanted to cuddle, I wanted to make out, I wanted to have I wanted to play pool and flirt and have those moments,

but I couldn't. And the human in me gets jealous of the fact that you chose to use your energy towards the kids. That's fine. How you respond to that feeling, it's gonna be indicative of the type of man you are, and I think that's what a lot more men need to realize. It's okay if you have those feelings the same way. So okay if moms, you feel guilty when your husband is so focused on the kids and he's

not paying attention to you. Y'all haven't done date night, he hasn't brought you flowers because y'all may have a daughter and all his attention is on his little girl, or y'all may have a son and he's at football practice for hours and he hasn't taken you anywhere or done anything. It's okay to feel upset about that. But how you respond to those times and how you communicate those times is what's gonna be indicative of how your relationship makes it or not making facts on facts on

facts right into us. If you want to be featured as the listener letter, best place to do it is emailing us all right, d ms, get flooded. All that I told you before. Please don't give me the dissertations and the d ms because you probably won't see him and I won't see him. So advice at gmail dot com. That's d E A d A S s A d v I C at gmail dot com. You did it again, v I C at Gmail. But it's okay. People can e ad A s A s A d v I

C at gmail dot com. Fabulous. Okay, Now you're not gonna keep you if you wanna talk to Mohammed about his punctuation, not gonna make sure you're spelling ship right, all right, that's just what it is. Same punctuation with your retainer in ten times fast, I can't even find my retainers. Shut up? Was punk Awa puns away from punks away? Give these people the moment, your moment of truth so we could send them on their merry way.

This is my moment of truth. It's very simple, right, It's the same thing that we've been preaching for years. Communication is extremely important. Moving in together were truly determined whether or not you guys can live in harmony for the rest of your lives if you want to get married, I for one, will not recommend people getting married randomly without moving in together, because you truly don't know anyone

unless you live with them. That's a different that's a different beast altogether, But understand that there's a process to get through it, and if you continue to communicate, you can make it through the rainy days. And on the other side of the rain is what bow. Oh thank you baby, well mama on the truth stems off of my sound by earlier which says that I am an advocate for shacking up. I agree you guys should get together.

See what it's like to be with somebody for an extended period of time, what their living situation is like, what their livelihoods are like inside the realms of their house. But also to making sure like we've had in one of these um the breakdown here is that that's not your sole purpose moving in is to save money. You have to really like and enjoy this person's company and

being in their space. That should be the reason why, if anything, you guys are looking to be in a relationship one and then moving together, it should not just be under the constraints of making it formal where it's just for saving purposes or for other motives or other reasons. Genuinely wanting to be around and loving to be in the space with somebody is a really good starting point for then and deciding if moving in is right or not. Okay, okay, And now I'm gonna move in to letting y'all go

all right so we can move on with the day. Um, go ahead and follow us on social media at dead as the podcasts on social media, and then I am candeen, I am and I am devout. And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe as. And if your wife changes your toilet paper, you can go to any local or CVS and get the little appointment package for free. Just tell them that you guys some issues and you don't gotta pay for it. Heard

that here first. No, no partnership with Charman. Somebody hooked that up. I get us up. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple. Follow the podcast on social media at dead as to podcasts and never miss a thing. I see les I