It's scary as hell having kids going to school in twenty twenty three.
That is all fact, because you know the way my worry be set up chill and it's giving. I want to homeschool them. But when all these shootings are happening anywhere, it makes it that much more intense.
Dead ass.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. About to take Philo talk to a whole new level.
Dead Ass starts right now.
All right, story time, I'm gonna just be honest. I'm not gonna this. I hate talking about this top well, I don't hate talking about this topic. It's a very important topic, but I don't want to talk about it in a place of lightness. So we're not gonna do a karaoke. So I'm gonna do two story times. The first story time I'm gonna do is what happened recently. M I'm at home, I get a text message from our oldest son, Jackson, that they had to do hard
lockdown in school today. So he texts me. He goes, hey, Dad, there was a hard lockdown in school today. So I respond back, are you okay. I don't get a response, Yeah, you're in Sweden. I don't get a response for a good seven minutes, right, and the father in me is like, fuck this, I'm going to the school right now, right, And then I start thinking of all of the possibilities.
Right if I pull up at the school and I first of all, if I grab my firearm and I pull up in the school, and I show up in the school ready to save my son and there is no emergency, then I look like the crazy father. Right. What if I'm on my way to school my foreign firearm and I get pulled over. You know, I'm thinking about all of these things in my mind. And while I'm thinking about what to do, then I get a text from Jackson after about seven eight minutes and he goes, yeah,
I'm fine. There was a fight amongst the eighth graders, so there was a hard lockdown, and it really made me like sit back and think, like, is this the world we are in right now? Where the kids are so like we used to do fire drills. Remember fire Remember fire drills that the alarm start going off, everybody lines up at the door, We go down in a double file line down the stairs. We go outside, we gett lined up around the school, and then we go inside.
Jackson tells me now they do hard lockdown drills and soft lockdown drills, and it's crazy to me that that is the world we've ma been. But I'm gonna take y'all back to the second story. Time is nineteen ninety nine, heading into my first year of high school. I believe that was the year a Columbine happened, or it was the year right after, but that was the first Columbine shooting. I believe it was in nineteen ninety nine.
That was the first memory, the first memorable one.
Of mass shootings. In schools. And I remember that in New York they had just started putting metal detectors in schools, and it was a big deal, right because I remember having to go I gotta go through the metal detectors every morning in New York City High School. Every single morning. I got to be there thirty minutes early so I can go through the metal detectors. And parents were upset because their children shouldn't have to go through this process
to get an education. And now here we are, twenty four years later, and now my son is doing hard lockdown drills from mass shootings. It's wild. It is absolutely ridiculous, ridiculous. So look, we're gonna take this quick break. Like I said,
this episode is not about fun and laughter. I want to discuss this and condin and I want to discuss this because we have kids, Yeah, and we know a lot of people out there who have children, and we're all sitting here trying to figure out what are we going to do moving forward if this doesn't slow down and ultimately stop, stick around.
Y'all, we'll be back. All right, we're back, So talk my story time. That was nineteen ninety nine that Columbine happened and so you and I were both what sixteen.
Ish I was fifteen, Yeah, fifteen, I was a freshman in high school, and it was a big deal, a big deal.
So yeah, I'm at this point now, Like, for example, getting the text message from Jackson during the middle of the day, or anytime the school calls during the middle of the day, we're usually like heart drops for a moment because you just want to make sure that everything's okay. And that happened a couple of times over the course of us having children, and I would the first thing when the school official whoever comes on the phone, the first thing they say is Jackson's okay, we just call
or Cairo's fine. We just want I said, please lead with that, because usually in those moments, they just know the minute you get a phone call from the school that it's going to be.
Fine, because they told us and to Alida, Jackson was all right, Jackie fine.
I wanst say he had a gaping hole in the middle of his tongue after playground.
Yeah, yeah, they said, Jackson is fine.
They try not to cause panic. I said, send me a picture of it, let me see what that looks like. Once I saw that picture, I said, de Val, Go get my baby. Go and get my baby. But it really makes me wonder what the next route should be for us as parents when you're really trying to make an educated, an informed decision about whether or not to pull your children from school or not. Man, you know,
and then you think a step further. Like Josh brought up a good point when we were talking pre show, and he's like, it's not just schools, it's going to the supermarket, it's regular everyday stuff.
I'm glad you brought that up. We actually have some facts and stats so that we're not just speaking, you know, just putting hyperbole out here. We have some natural facts in For example, we are one hundred and thirty six days into twenty twenty three. The Gun Violence Archive has counted more than two hundred mass shootings so far in twenty twenty three, which means we have at least one most of the time, it's two mass shootings a day in this country. Two mass shootings a day in this country.
There are over well, there were over six hundred and ninety mass shootings in twenty twenty one and six hundred and forty seven in twenty twenty two. More Americans died of gun related injuries in twenty twenty one than any other year on record, according to the latest available statistics from the Centers of Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that included record numbers of both gun murders and gun suicides.
Despite the increase in such fatalities, the rate of gun deaths, a statistic that accounts for the nation's growing population, remained below the levels of earlier decades. Rate of gun deaths twenty twenty one was fourteen point six versus nineteen seventy four was seventeen or sixteen point three. President Biden has taken more executive action to reduce gun violence than any
other president at this point in their presidency. The President's new Executive Order to Reduce Gun Violence includes the following additional actions, all of which fall within existing executive authority and outside of the right protected by the Second Amendment.
The executive Order directs the President's cabinet to increase the number of background checks by ensuring that all background checks required by law are conducted before fire on purchases moving to US as close to universe background checks as possible without additional legislation.
Is this something that just happened, because before they were saying it was no background check.
Yeah, this is all the stuff that he's that he's put in executive order while being present. This is stuff that he's working on.
He's working on now. So this hasn't gone through yet though, because right now people outside Willy nearly getting.
Guns absolutely okay, want to be clear. Next, improve public awareness and increase appropriate use of extreme risk protection, red flag orders and safe storage of firearms. So that's increasing education for publics for the public. Last one, address the
loss or theft of firearms during shipping. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives ATF data indicates an over two hundred and fifty percent increase in the number of firearms reported as lost or stolen during shipment between federally licensed firearms dealers from roughly seventeen hundred and twenty eighteen to more than six twenty two.
That is wild crazy, So like five times more of guns just going missing.
Yes, that's insane, Well four times more, but four times. Here's the biggest thing. We're listening to all of these things, right, I just want to ask you, as a mom, what is your thought process when it comes to picking a school or what we're going to do with the kids' school schooling wise, what is your thought process?
To be completely honest, And this is maybe even just outside of all of the mass shootings that have been happening lately, we've entertained the idea of homeschooling our children right, yes, and try to weigh the pros and cons and things like that. It's not realistic, but as a mom, I would ultimately want my children where I can see them
at all times. It's not realistic, though, I essentially would love if we were able to create an environment here where we can teach them or have someone come in home to teach them, and then we can travel and we can see the world and we can just develop these well cultured global citizens who are not only just educated when it comes to books, stuff, but also life,
other cultures and things like that. We even entertained the idea recently after you left filming in Canada, when you were speaking to just a bunch of people on set, know whether it was producers or other actors, and they just said, you know, where do you live, you know, during the year, and we're like, what you mean, we live in Georgia, you know, and they're like, oh, well, we spend you know, half the year in France, and then we are in Italy for two months, and then
we're here and we're there, and I'm just like, wow, we're so accustomed to and we've just been raised in this bubble, if you will, of just this is how you do life. And I am more and more now thinking about the possibility or the ways in which we can expand on just giving our children more opportunities to see the world and to learn one on one through experiences.
So to answer your question, my ideal situation would be a homeschool environment where they're home, because I literally feel my absolute best when you and my four children and I are in the same space under the same roof together and dropping them to school in different places in
the morning. It just literally gives me anxiety every day to think about, God forbid, something happens, you know, something globally happens, something locally happens, and I need to get two, you know, three and eventually went to colors in school. Four children who essentially are in all different places at one time. That is extremely nerve working, and I'm seriously I don't know if that's something that you're considering now too.
As you know, we've spoken about it recently, like the idea of what it would look like if we were to homeschool our children and then have them socially out doing sports and organized activities where they can still get the balance of the social and the academic equally.
So this is what I've looked at, and I just asked people to just listen to my statement. Okay, I put in US population. It's three hundred and thirty one point nine million people in the United States. Three hundred and thirty one point nine million. That's a lot of millions. Right. In the last two years, they had six hundred over six hundred mass shootings, right in.
The past year.
Two years in the past two years, the total for both years was six hundred million, Right, So we have thirty three I mean six hundred mass shootings. So we have six hundred mass shootings divided by three hundred and thirty one million. I said million. So I'm gonna do the math right now. That means that mass shootings happen at a rate of zero point zero zero zero zero zero. One percent of the people in the world are committing mass shootings. Do you can see what I'm getting at.
So they're committing mass shootings whe people are dying from in.
The US like the people who are committing committing it's been this many number of mass shootings. There are three hundred and thirty one million, but there have been six hundred mass shootings in a year, which means of the three hundred and thirty million, six hundred shows to do a mass shooting. That's less than a millionth of a percent of the people.
I feel like that's valid until it's your family member.
No, no, And I'm saying no. But that's why I'm asking people to listen to me. What I'm trying to point out is is when we sensationalize something, right, it heightens awareness, yes, to prevent it, but we also have to look at the reality of where it is in the grand scheme of things. Right, you have a higher risk of getting hit by a car and dying than you do of dying in a mass shooting. That's just a fact.
Yeah, And maybe that's that's where we differ because I guess me thinking of it maybe emotionally right, or as a mother, as as someone who just thinks like, I just don't want my child or someone I love or know to be one of those people involved.
But here's my thing, and this is what I'm asking you. Isn't it irrational to take the exception of the rule and make that a rule. Isn't that irrational?
It is, I see how it could be, So why would you begin This doesn't feel irrational when you see it, and we're fed that through social media.
But that's my time. When this sensationalize something, it then becomes a problem, right because of the sensationalization. Not that I'm saying that mass shootings aren't a problem. They are a problem, because we still have more mass shootings in America than the country. But what I'm saying is is that trying to change your lifestyle and your life based on something that happens point zero zero zero zero zero one eight one percent of the time really doesn't make sense.
And what I'm in employing, what I'm imploring people to do is educate themselves on it, but don't take any drastic measures. Like I gave the example of he said it was a hard lockdown. I'm getting ready to go grab my gun and run up in the school. That would have been extremely irrational if you think about it.
You know what I'm saying. I grabbed my gun and I run up to the school because my son says someone they had a hard lockdown, and I'm thinking that I don't want it to be a situation where my son's waiting and the cops didn't do something, so I went there first. That's a completely irrational thought. Based on how many people we have in the world. Majority of people are not committing mass shootings. Now, what I'm saying is I still think there needs to be stricter gun laws.
I think there needs to be a greater responsibility and accountability from our federal government to make sure that the citizens of this country are safe. That's what I'm saying. But what I want to implore people to do is not take drastic measures because we're concerned about something. And that's why I gave the example of me be running to get my gun and running to the school, because if everyone starts responding that way, then we'll have anarchy. You see what I'm saying.
Oh, I see that, especially with everyone being able to grab a gun exactly, and I'm looking at the numbers
here too. The influx of these things happening too. I think our direct correlation between the way we've had to exist in this world for the past two to three years, when did COVID impact us and the pandemic, This is all direct correlation, I believe from the repercussions of that of being locked down, of people being at home for you know, months on end, for people being sack from losing loved ones to COVID like that literally was the catalyst.
I believe that sparked the increase here. And there's not as much okay.
Bad before you finish that. I think there's two things okay, because mental health is definitely one okay, But there was also a study that shows that when you sensationalize things, it gives other people ideas to do it. I'll give you an example. When the movie Money Train came out, which is one of my favorite movies with Wesley Snipes, Woody Housen, and Jennifer Lopez, there was a scene in the movie when they had the token booth clerk and would they would put the gasoline under there and tell
her to give us the money and light them on fire. Yes, there was an increase of those incidents in New York, which is why the movie bombs because people saying, boycott this movie because they're sensationalizing the arson of Tobu Clerks. Yes, and I'm starting.
To realize it becomes a piggyack.
It becomes the thing is we saw that those people gained fame from doing something that was diabolical. Let's do that. And I feel like part of it is the more we sensationalize acts of gun violence. And that's have you noticed that they stopped showing the shooter's face and giving their names on social media, I mean on mass media because they don't want to give them any praise because then the next person who wants to commit that says, well,
even if I die, they'll remember my name. But if you commit mass murder and no one talks about it, it's like, what's the point. So ultimately, what I'm saying is is that I think a large increase in the number is happening is the fact that mass media is
covering it more. But social media has also given a voice to people who where mass When mass media decides we're not going to cover things in this way because we don't want to give people the fame or I call it infamy because doing something like this is infamous, infamatic thing. You want them to become known in infamy. But now you have social media, and through social media there's just no holes.
Well baby, you click on one story, you click on another story.
And then keep showing and people just make narratives and create different things. I honestly feel like the use of social media and and even some mass media and the way they cover these things are making it more enticing for people to do diabolical things because that's how they become famous. And that's it's really disheartening, you know and see that.
No, it is super disheartening. So you think of the mental illness that may be around it, you think of the sensationalizing of it as well. And speaking of sensationalizing or just showing it on social media, I'd seen recently where people were calling for the last shooting that happened
at the mall where a couple families lost people. There was one particular family, I think there was an Asian family was a husband and wife and they had two or three children, and the mother and father believe were killed.
One of the sisters were killed, and then one child was left now as an orphan essentially, because the parents were killed and there was a person that was there as a you know, good smartan after the fact, trying to help, and they the person the gentleman said that there was a little little girl, you know, face down, so he flipped her over to see, like, you know, if you can help, and she had no face. These ars are completely dismantling people.
And that's and that's where I feel like the government has to do a greater responsibility because people in this country shouldn't have access to weapons that.
Are used that can do that, you know what I'm saying, right, the capability and access to it. And then people were calling for you know, another Emmitt Till situation. Put that baby in a casket and let people see the effects. Let these you know, the higher lobbyists, the gun lobbyists, let them see what these weapons are doing to our children, and will that maybe you know, soften the callus that they have on their heart for this. You know, you know, it's just it's crazy.
You know what scares me about even gun lobbyists and all of these things. I thought that when mass shootings became rampant in White neighborhoods or higher upscale neighborhoods, it would cause a change, but it hasn't. The only thing that has caused a change in America is when the Black Panther Party started to arm themselves with automatic weapons immediately in the sixties. After and can't all have guns? Then that's when they started to make rules on who
can get guns or not. But think about it, these gun lobbyists, most of them are older, rich white men. They're watching their own grandkids and kids be murdered in schools and in malls and stuff at concerts, and they're still not changing their mind, which to me is scary. And they often give the same stat that I gave that guns aren't the problem, it's these people because the amount of mass shootings that happened compared to how many people are in the world is not the same, which
I agree with. But my problem is is giving someone access when you know that people like, for example, they say guns don't kill people, people kill people. Fine, why are you giving people who kill people access to the type of guns where they can kill people in large amounts period? You know what I'm saying. If all people had access to was a six shooter. Right, you ain't gonna see as many mass shootings. You know, we low
it's about for you. But when you can shoot forty and fifty rounds in a matter of seconds, that to me is unreal. But I just I want I want people to think right and not be reactionary. That's why I asked you before I gave my that's before I no. I feel you. And it's not only I want to right here gun violence. It's not gun violence that you want to know. There are several reasons, but I do want people to think outside the box when it comes to gun violence and the choices you make in response
to what we know about gun violence. Right, Because if we're if we're told that there's an act of gun violence or mass shooting every day, the first thing we do is go, oh my god, that's a lot. But then when you think about how many people exist in the world, your chances of being there's there's car accidents, multiple car accidents every day, Like there's probably five car accidents in every city every day, but there's one to two acts of gun violence. But we never stop driving.
My point is we can't stop living or let those people who make poor decisions consume us and how we treat our kids in fear. I was just about to say, we can't still fear into our kids, you know what I'm saying?
Awareness, yes, yes, Awareness yes, And being prepared, you know, and knowing your surroundings and being reactive in those situations God forbid, yes, yes. But not living in fear yes. And I think we did a lot of living in fear for a large portion of twenty twenty one. You know, we're still living in fear to this day, and it could be crippling for sure.
But you know what's crazy, though, I grew up around guns my whole life. My family's from the South. My grandfather used to hunt and fish, you know what I'm saying. My Papa John has a shooting range in his backyard. He shoots guns. He taught me shooting, yeah the first time, Papa John. I've been shooting shotguns since I was a teenager. Yeah, I've been shooting handguns and learning. My uncle is a hire police officer. He taught me how to load and unload,
reload and clean a glock and a nine like. Guns have always been a part of my life right and guns will be a part of my son's lives, mainly because I feel as a homeowner you have to have something to protect your home, right, but also as a homeowner, you have a responsibility to protect the public. So that I can't explain too much about how my gun system works here because you never know if in intruders ever
listening and stuff like that. But it's not easy access for my children, you know, And it's not accessible for any of the children who are not of age, so even if they know where it is, they can't access it access to a period. But my thing is I want parents, especially parents like us, who often get like we have fear when we think about things, to slow down a little bit. Don't make drastic decisions based on something that's sensationalized. Even though I understand the sensationalization of it.
There has to be more gun reform, There has to be, But also let's not lose the fact that if you start acting crazy because we keep seeing the same thing, we're gonna make it even worse. Like I can't, I'm being honest. The moment I got the text about the lockdown from Jackson, the first thing I thought about was going to grab my gun and run into the school. Imagine if every parent goes and does that. You know what I'm saying, it's because I wasn't and then.
There's misunderstanding, and then it's like, oh my goodness, this happens so quickly. I just I reacted, and then you know, it becomes worse than what it was.
I'm so serious, Like that's where it's come to at this point, Like I legitimately thought about grabbing my gun and running up to the school to make sure my son was okay because I didn't hear back from him.
Yeah, and school, that's crazy. To avoid hysteria, particularly in a grade like a middle school, where children have their phones with them, Yes, there needs to be like, here's what's happening, y'all. I don't know if it's announcement over the loud speaker.
Well they sent an email they did, Okay, listen, but I didn't check my email.
I got it right away. It's right. It's just like, is there a call that goes out to everybody, like in the moment something like that happens, Like, hey, you know hard lockdown versus soft lockdown? What does that look like? And then as parents we should know too what that means, right, what's a soft lockdown versus a hard lockdown? What exactly happens in those moments? So we too can also not fly off the handle if we know that, Oh my goodness,
there was like a little scuffle between two kids. What did that warrant? What kind of lockdown? Like, it's just wild that this is what we are thinking about now
as parents, But think about it as kids. There may have been something that happened, like you said, fire drills, things like that that our parents knew about back then or in that moment, we didn't think it was a big deal, but now as parents were like, oh my god, like all these lockdowns and what they mean for our kids, it's crucial to know that.
I just it just feels like social media has kind of like like grabbed everyone's attention and people know what to post for a clickbait.
Yeah, that's true.
So you know what I'm saying, It just seems like they're using us and if there.
Is no narrative, then they create one. I'm saying, like, if there's things that are in question, it's just like, oh, let's just create something. Like even just with Jamie Fox, I mean his daughter, you know, She's just like, wait a second, y'all are sending all these stories out there about my dad, but he is playing fickaball, you know.
And I'm like, yeah, we have anything except from from your daughter, and we just praying for you. Man. One of the greatest talents to ever walk the I.
Feel about Jamie Favorite.
You just got to be okay, bro. You know, we know you're going to be okay.
Absolutely, we're already putting that out there. But it's just people are left to their own thoughts and devices when you know, credible sources aren't putting out what it is. So yeah, just like you know, we just got to be careful out there in these streets, y'all.
We do gotta be careful. But and and Josh made a great point. People are not only dying in schools. People are going grocery shopping, they're going to the mall, they're going to concerts that you know, they're it's happening everywhere, So it's not just the kids kids, you know. I just think that us as a humanity have to do a better job of understanding what's going on and not just listening to reports, because if you watch the news, I don't care what is CNN, MSNBC, Fox News. They
all have an agenda. And if you rely on social media, forget you on that. You know what I'm saying. Start looking at some of the stats, start reading some of the laws, understanding what's going on so that you can make an educated decision for your family, and don't do something crazy and emotional because they've used fear to create this sense of urgency amongst Americans. That's really what, you know. Yeah, what I want to implore people.
On some Oh my goodness, so much to think about, y'all. Ultimately, let's just stay preyed up and let's stay paid up as we pay these bills, because if we don't be paid up, then y'all can't hear us. Okay, figure around, We'll be back with some of the.
Letters you.
Alright with bat guys listener letter time. Yes, I'm a die me Okay. Hello Deval and kadein love the podcast and how you both express the daily lives as a black couple in America. Thank you. This question is mainly for Deval. I've been listening to you for years and I know that you are very passionate about fitness. I'm trying to become a fitness trainer. I'm very passionate about how the body works and the limits that you can
put on the body through being healthy. Of course, what's the best advice and guidance you would give to someone to become a fitness trainer? Starting out? Mind you, I'm in the military and fitness is highly recommended. Thank you in advance from a fit young black sailor. Are you cute, fit black young sailor? Because I ask some single.
Friends shout out to you, young person. I appreciate you reaching out to us. It's actually very very simple. There's a group of a group's company called the National Academy of Sports Medicine nas them NASM, and they have a six month program that if you take it, you can become certified to be a fitness professional. The reason why that is important is become in order to get insurance to cover you as a fitness professional. You need a certification so that your insurance can cover you just in
case there is an injury. But more importantly, NASOM teaches you how to train people while preventing injuries. Most people think that you can just get out there and tell people to do runs or jumping jacks and kicks and stuff. No, there are certain things that go into this fitness thing, this kinesiology exercise physiology thing, that will help you be better at your job. You know, every person or athlete doesn't have the heart or genetic makeup or body of
a soldier. So if you try to train them like a soldier, you know you could cause major injury or death. So do yourself a favor. Go ahead, a resson.
That's me. Devalu trains me like a soldier. He turns me like a football player near death. But here we are.
You're making it right. And if we go to war, what happened? What happens if we go.
To war, at least not a squad.
About what I'm saying, you can carry.
Working my way back up, That's what I think. I do all this so I could put all four of them boards on my back if I had to see what I'm saying.
Maybe that's why the cake is caked up all right now. The squats is to help build leg strengths so she can help carry the boys in the event armageddon happens. That's the only reason why I got k doing so many.
Squads lies, all right? That's the only reason.
That's the only reason to prepare for armageddon. You see what I'm saying, Just so y'all know. Now, if y'all you know what I'm saying, I'm gonna getting I'm gonna get in them cheeks. You know what I'm saying. I'm preparing for armageddon because I'm getting Look up the National Academy of Sports Medicine. Start there, get your certifications, get you an insurance plan that protects you and your clients,
get an LLC, start a company name. And if you're if you're a a soldier, you already have the main basic thing that people want in a trainer, and that's.
Discipline and passion.
And passion is your passionate about it?
That's dope.
You can show them and you've accomplished something. This is one thing I always tell trainers. You have to be able to show people that you accomplish something for them to say, you know what, I'll let you train me. Yeah, most people want to be trainers without having accomplished anything. What made me a successful trainer? Yes, I played in the NFL, but I also walked onto my college. So people see me go through some adversity to get the goal.
Most people also look the part too, I do. I work out a lot, Amma, amma, you fine.
Is funny because that's that's literally something that you look at when you're looking for a trainer, whether you're a male female, it's like, oh, I want to look like that. What did he do or what did she do to achieve those results? That's where I want to be. This person must know what they're talking about, because I remember Chad, I was pregnant with Cairo doing the spin class with this instructor that never never once put it as on that bike.
You remember, ye.
Never got on the bike, and was so come on, you gotta do it, you gotta do it. I was like, Ni, you ain't doing it, So why am I in your class? Why am I in your class when you're rolling around here not healthy, clearly never on the bike, but you're running spin classes. I didn't get it. But anyway, I had my own goals so accomplished in that point. So I didn't let him deter me.
You always go back. He really he really triggered you because I remember you came and we called you a penguin one day.
Yeah, because I was Yes, he called me because thirty five weeks pregnant, I literally spun like, did spin classes till the very end of Cairo. I literally had him on the spin bike essentially.
And I made her do that because if we get in Armageddon and there's a bike, somebody has to be able to ride the bike and hold the kids. So I was doing this, be prepared just in.
Case with a belly. So one day I was coming in right exactly because I'm like, literally about to give birth any day now. And I was, of course waddling. That's what you tend to do as a pregnant woman in the very end of the pregnancy. So I'm waddling and you know, mine and my business, getting ready to go do my warm up. And he was like, hey, watch penguin over there waddling. I turned around and looked. I said, you have the nerve to call me a penguin.
I said, my nigga, you are the leader, happy Feet, so don't start. Don't start.
You gonna call the man happy feet right before spin class. He was kind of large too.
He was he was, and I had a whole nerve to be sarcastic in having an attitude when he was ready six weeks too. He was thirty six thirty seven and she yep, absolutely we had the same struggle alone.
But yeah, a fit young black sailor. That's what you do. I just gave you some tips. Pulled that part, get done all right. Second second, I want to say that y'all are truly in inspiration for me. Thank you so much. I've been following you guys since the YouTube days and I absolutely love your content. My fiance and I have been together since we were fifteen. We are now twenty nine thirty kudos to y'all and have three beautiful daughters together. Congrats.
Just some background, we both come from single parent homes and neither of us had any role models when it comes to relationships. We have had our share of issues and problems throughout the years, but we still choose each other. Amen to that. He often has problems with expressing himself and feels he shouldn't have to express his feelings all the time and that I should just know. And I'm always telling him bro. In fact that he says, Bro,
it's hilarius, because that's what case. Bro. I'm not a mind reader, and I also don't want to assume what could be going on with him. He was raised in the streets, so he has a very tough exteria. Just like Zach, he feels that expressing his feelings is hard for him. I am overly expressed with sometimes, and I have a fixer mindset, so that causes us to bump heads a lot because I am always trying to figure out what could be wrong so I can fix it. I would appreciate some advice on what I can do
to give him the space to open up to me. Also, any advice in general about building a stronger relationship would be gladly appreciated. Thank you for being an inspiration. Love you, guys, Love.
Each to building a strong relationship. Get your copy of We Over Me, because that's literally how we over Me. It's our New York Times best selling book, The Counterintuitive Approach to Getting Everything you want to pronter Intuitive My bad. I was trying to everything you went out of your relationship. We literally unhashed or rehash and break down everything from our the beginning of our Brooklyn love story and how
we've gotten to this point. Because when everyone asked for I need me a de Belle, I need me a Kadid. Trust me who do you see today? He who was then that person that we're totter.
The fact that.
Y'all were together since fifteen, right, and grew together and now twenty nine and thirty, that's something beautiful in itself. So yeah, if you want some general building, stronger information, relationship information, a lot of it is there, which is a good start. But yes, babe, expressing emotions you said this was very much like Zach your character and sisters. Right, how are we getting Zach to open up?
You? You say it all the time. Marriage is one long, endless conversation. There's always going to be something to work on. And since y'all been together for fifteen years, y'all are constantly choosing each other. This is just another example of why choosing each other is important. You want him to continue to open up, create a safe space him to open up, don't judge him when he does open up. Right, I'll give you an example. Kadeen and I talked about this.
Kadeen told me for a long time she didn't want you know, she wanted me to start opening up more, opening up more, saying my feelings because I was the typical macho man and I got it. I got this. I got this until I didn't have it. The problem is sometimes when I would will open up, Kadeen would be tired of me opening up and be like, oh,
we still got to talk about this. So it was like you say, you want me to open up, but then when I open up, you get upset about it, right, you know, So I would say, if you want him to open up, make sure that you're creating a safe space for him to open up without judgment and continuing to push and not push in a way where it becomes off putting, you know, allow him to come into it on his own terms, with a gentle push.
Yeah.
You know. They have this term called gentle parenting. They need to have a term called gentle spousing, you know, because there's ways to get people to talk. You don't get people to talk by saying open your mouth, motherfucker, like I'm the only want to hear no, Like hey, babe, like how you feeling too it?
Yeah? Or I've noticed this lately and it doesn't seem like you or this is something that we've been dealing with for a long time, and I really think that if we got over this hurdle, then maybe things can like really fileration take us to the next level, because all you ever want, essentially from your spouse is essential, right, you want things to be better than they were the last day. And that's the approach that I started to
take with de Vo too. And to be honest, some things are so either deeply rooted or so compacted that it requires several conversations to break down the core and think about it. There's some things that you and I have been discussing for the past twenty years. Yeah, that I'm just starting to get now you and just starting to get. And it's conversations that it wasn't for lack of communication, because if I was communicating, it was I maybe in the space to receive it and then reciprocate
in that moment. No, but he never let up on expressing the way he felt. He never gave up on me thinking that, you know what, she's never gonna get it. I'm glad we really gave each other a lot of space and latitude to be able and grace to figure it out. And when it clicks, baby, it clicks. Because these last couple of months for Javal and I at least have probably been some of the better.
Years other than the honeymoon years. Yeah, when we were first learning each other and not realizing I think this has been the best couple of months since we've been in adulthood and didn't he wasn't having our education paid for any NFL sponsoring stuff like we were. We've been dealing with real life issues, real stresses, mortgages, car notes, businesses, some doing well, some not doing well, but still finding the ability to love on each other through those things.
Where in the past those things used to cause issues. You know, any outside trust used to cause issues in here. It's no longer doing that.
Or even just like internal things like just having a quick you know, there was something I don't can't think of what it is recently because it was so insignificant. But we might have had a little back and forth about something, and the way I would have approached it and gotten upset and carried that shit on for the day, I just we didn't. It was like almost like we had a moment we spoke about whatever it was.
I remember it, and then we just kept.
And I thought to myself, Wow, that was easy, Like we no longer had those moments where we were just having these drawn out conversations or these back and forth. It was something you know what I'm talking about.
Right, Yeah, because I think it might have been when we were in Canada, but it was something small that I remember what it was it was. It was something small that would have been something big had we handled it differently. This is exactly what it was. You were in Atlanta, I was in Canada. I called you on the phone and you kept saying to me, babe, let me call you back, baby, let me call you back the whole day, babe, let me call you back.
Yeah.
Finally at the end of the night, you called me back at twelve thirty and then you fell asleep.
Yeah. We were watching trying to stream it for you.
Yeah, you fell asleep, and I was just like, yo, you're doing the same thing to me away that you do with me at home. You put me off, put me off, put me off, and then when you say it's finally my time, you fall asleep. And in the past you would have argued me down as to why I shouldn't feel a way about it, but instead you were like you know what I'm saying. You were just like, Babe, my bad, I got tired. I didn't you know, you're right, I shouldn't have did this.
Yeah, because I was like, I'm here. I'm just it's just me, mom and dad. I'm trying to juggle the kids like they had a bunch of practices. You want me to be slim and trimming, and you know, continue this workout routine that he started, and I'm doing that, and the workouts have been killing me to the point where at nights I'm tired. But I also knew too that in the moments when Deval is not with the family, you're particularly fragile, like you don't like to be away
from your family. So I also, knowing that backstory, had to understand, like, listen, he might be lashing out in this moment because he just misses me, he misses the kids. I'm sitting in the man cave where he loves to be, and he's not there in that moment.
And I also had to realize that I am fragile when I'm by myself, So what typically wouldn't have bothered me bothered me more. So that's when I called you back and I was like, my.
Bad, right, And that's why I was like yeah, and we.
Both were just like it's all right. I did some things that I wish I should have done differently. You did some things, and we let it go and it's but in the past, it literally would have went like this. In the past, she'd have fell asleep. I would have hung up. She would have called me back, called me back. I wouldn't have answered the phone, and then she'd have called me the next morning. I wouldn't have answered the phone. I would have went to work all day and she'd have been like yo.
Like right, and then you and been like all right, well whatever, right.
And then we'd have been arguing for days because it'd be like, I'm not going to be the one to call. I'm not gonna be the one to call. But then we did petty stuff like I would have called Jackson's phone and spoke to all the kids who I knew was around kay, and then when she'd come to the phone, I would act like I don't see her, or she would do something petty like call your father and ask your father something, and I'll be like, why are you calling me? Mommy said that she wants me to.
But and then we're involving the kids, and then out of kids like oh, here they go.
But but the truth of the matter is, and the reason why we tell y'all that is when somebody's going through something, after they say, like it's fifteen years we be together, it's one ongoing conversation. Stop putting this unrealistic expectation on yourself that if you don't have everything figured out about your partner in the first five years of your relationship, your relationship is doomed. That's not a reality. The reality is it takes time. It takes years. It
takes decades to figure out that smooth spot. And even when you figure that out, as you guys evolve and change, you gonna have to figure something else out.
That's a fact.
So just keep rocking with it and keep choosing each other. She literally said, we choose use each other. We still choose each other.
I love that.
That's all you have to keep doing is to I love that for y'all.
Oh my goodness, those are two really good listener letters. Guys, keep writing in because we love to hear from you. And if you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email us at dead ass Advice at gmail dot com.
Spell it from the Maid, that's d E A D. A S. S. A. D V I C. E at gmail dot com.
All Right, moment of truth, time got and control. It's such a heavy topic. I hate like rehashing and thinking about these things over and over. But it is this is the reality? Or is it indeed the reality because you're saying you know based off of the stats and everything that you know. No, you never take away from mass shootings and the impact they've had. But also trying to live in a world where we're not fearful of our day to day life.
This is my moment of truth. It's going to be very difficult for people to hear, but this is the moment of truth.
Okay.
When it comes to gun violence and it comes to political seasons, oftentimes mass media, the people who are in control use the things that make us the most afraid as political capital to win an election. Right, and we are coming around that time, Well, we have to start thinking about who's going to be our president. We just came off of midterm elections, so I'm starting to realize that every time we get around the election cycle, gun violence is a hot button topic, just like police violence
is a hot button topic. But when realistically, when you look at the statistics, there's less than one percent of that population actually committing the crimes or doing the things that they are making the most important thing to talk about, and they make that the narrative. When that's just the narrative, it's not everyone's reality. And when the narrative then becomes everyone's reality, people turn their reality into what the narrative is and they start to move irrationally.
I want literally becoming a casualty of war. Yes, like we are the casualties.
It is a self fulfilling prophecy that if you keep thinking this is going to happen, this is going to happen, this is going to happen, and you prepare for this to happen, this will happened, you almost make it happen.
He said that recently to Jackson too, And I think me I was thinking about something or saying how fearful I was of something happening, and you were just like, hey, you're literally manifesting that to happen.
Absolutely stop.
And I'm like, is it manifesting it to happen or is it just trying to be aware of what could potentially be a random reality.
But there's a difference though, between manifesting something and it being something that accidentally happens. For example, when we talk about police violence, right. I learned how to teach my kids how to approach police so that they don't make a situation that is no situation. For example, growing up in Brooklyn, we dealt with stopping frisk. My uncle Kevin was a police officer. He taught me how to deal
with police, so I don't have issues with police. I've watched my friends getting manhandled and beat up by police, in part because the police officers were being dickheads, but also in part because it's like, dude, like you were being so unnecessary that you have two sides that are trying to prove a point and not be a part of a narrative that creates a reality out of a narrative because both sides are unwilling to relax for a minute. You know, I've had friends we walking down the street
and a cop say something to them. It's like fuck you d D D. Now the cop has an ego and he come to what you say to me? And now they going back and forth and no, no, you ain't gonna do this. Then they get into a tussle. Now you're on the floor getting hemmed up and getting arrested, as opposed to me when it came to cops. Yes, I've dealt with cops who were been bigoted through my stuff on the floor. You've been there with me, took me out the car, put me handcuffs for no reason.
But I've always had my life because I stayed calm and I was just like, yo, this is what you know. This is how my uncle told me to present myself in these situations. The reason why I'm saying that, the reason I said a lot of people won't like these statements because it sounds as if I'm saying black people are the responsibility all of the responsible parties when something bad happens to them with police. That's not what I'm saying,
And I don't want people to be confused by. What I'm saying is is don't create a reality for yourself based on what sensationalized in the media, Like like, really look at the numbers, look at what's going on, and don't create a reality for your see yourself the same way I could have created a reality for myself. If Jackson sends me that text, I go get my gun, I jump in my car and I run up to
the school. You know what I'm saying, I run up to school and do something irrational without thinking what really are the chances? You know? And I say all that to also say this, There need to be tougher gun laws in.
America, period.
Like that's just that's just what it is. I want people to not create realities out of narratives. But they're also like, come on, like, at some point things have to change. This is not give cool and six hundred, even though I made the point to show that six hundred is not a lot compared to three hundred and thirty one million, six hundred is still too much.
It's still too many.
It's still too much.
You lose a loved one. That's one too many, absolutely period. All right, y'all be sure to find us on Patreon and you can see exclusive dead Ass podcast video content
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