Rules Are Made To Be Broken

I hate the word boundaries. I used to believe in boundaries until I gave you one and you would like, oh hell no. For me, it's about one word R E, S B c T. Find out what it means to d Just don't do anything that's going to make people question your loyalty within our relationship. Dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the ellisit. You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you

need derby most days. And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial, married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow talk to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now

two thousand and four. Oh lord, he digging up the dirt, y'all. College? Okay, And this is why I don't like boundaries. I just came off a game in college, just scored three touchdowns. Facebook had just started popping, right. I go to my messages, A young lady writes in my insbox, Hey, good game, Devo. I know where you're going with this. He goes, goes, oh, you out here entertaining these little friends of yours. I had three touchdowns, like I had. I really had a

good game. Though. She was just like, now, I don't want nobody an inbox. Fast forward basketball season codeine in boxes one of her residents who's a basketball player, Hey, good game. So I'm like, oh, so we're gonna be in boxing people now. So now you're trying to be one of these little friends. When of these little holes, and she like, now, I ain't know ho, I know what my attentions are. He had a good game. That's my resident exactly. That's the relationship I had with all

of my residents. I lived in an area on campus that was all athletes. So I did that for my females. I did that for the males. I did that for soccer season. I did that for lcross season. So don't try to make it an issue now because he was kind of cute, because you know, I don't remember seeing you inbox no female lacrosse. Did you go through female across players? No, you didn't look for the one guy, So stop ship story. Name one female across field hockey player.

Name one field hockey player you know from hofstro I'm waiting. Did not shut up? You're so annoying. No new friends, No new friends, No new friends, no, no, Now, she loved this ride. What my day was? Don't really need no new friends, new friendsens, No new friends, new friends. Don't get on the new friends topic. Okay, oh god, we subscribe to something completely different now. But we're going to take you all through a journey. How we got here, How we got here? Where we started Okay when it

comes to de val in his Little Friends. I specifically remember these times in our relationships because there's one thing I learned about women, and I'm not gonna say all women, because anytime you say all women, you put you put a brush over all women. Can't say all women but young women who are learning to mature into mature women. Same thing with young men. Right. One thing I've learned women like to behave in a manner that they do not want other women to behave when it comes to

their boyfriend. They don't mind doing it to other people's boyfriends and justifying it. Women like doing that, which women not me because I fully know my intentions when I So first of all, let's go back to the story time. Okay, right, all right, So Devout always brings this topic up as one of like the values of our relationship because it's the microcosm of what I had to go through in our relationship, and it was you know what to him

in that moment. I can understand he saw like, this was one of the star basketball players on the team, good looking guy. Devoutnew my type, so he was probably like, you know what, K sending this message to this guy was probably her doing to me or doing to him what that other young lady was doing to me, right, because you thought that now I was just trying to be a little hole. No, I honestly didn't think that.

I was just trying to prove a point that if a young lady sends me a message, you automatically assume she's a home because I don't know her intentions. So my thing is, how do you think other people look at you by sending the same message? And my thing is, you don't even try to think about the fact that I'm not worried about what your inter is. I know you, you're my girl, but the same way other people are gonna look at her as like, oh, that little hole

was in Devours messages. Now people looking at you, my girl, is that little hole in his message? But you don't care about that. It's something I didn't care about it. I didn't see it that way because I had a relationship with my residents and they knew what it was. So whether it was him, or whether it was a lacrosse player or whether it was somebody else, they would have seen the same thing if they all had good games. That was my m O that's the r D. That

was nice, and I knew about my people's schedules. And this is my point with women, especially young women. Right, do you think that basketball play or his friends have access to all of the other athletes in boxes? Of course? Okay, so they see you in boxing him, you think that, hey, she's the resident director. She's No, she's not. And this is my thing. Women find ways to justify their behavior and their actions while shaming other women for doing the

same type of behavior. And what I found was that that was very toxic. We talked about toxicity on this show. That was toxic for us. And we were younger. We were in college too, So I mean, and I behaved in ways that I didn't want. I was about to say, because you said, oh, women behave, and because you were talking about we were talking about the story now and I was getting back to the story. So what I was saying was I really didn't have a problem with you.

And this is going to get to us talking about boundaries. I know, I'm probably, like very probably one of the most confident people that I know. Nobody loves devote more than devalorce. All right, we know this, No, yeah, definebod knows this, So I was not worried about, Oh good, he is going to leave me. Oh my god. He blames basketball. First of all, I play ball too. I'll

dunkle his ass. I don't give the fuck. Okay, that's just how I felt, right, But I was worried about the fact that you gave me a hard time for a message I couldn't control and then did the same exact behavior. I was like, that to me just made no sense, and in the course of our relationship, I didn't understand how we were going to get through these times where you were gonna, you know, do things that

you got upset for other people doing. To know, I think it's a very real thing, and in all seriousness, it is a real thing because I know me as a woman, and some of even like my close female friends or other women who have had conversation with they feel like when it comes to a member of the opposite sex and having any kind of interaction, whether it's just a platonic friendship or coworker relationship, whatever it may be, we feel as though the control is in my hands.

Nothing is going to happen that I don't want to happen, because you feel like men can't control their urges in part, that's some of it. But I feel like I'm not gonna lie. I sit up all the time and talk about how much I need sex and want I can't then backtrack. That's especially a young man. That's fair. So the weaker of the two, I would say, would probably be the man. If the woman is about it, then hey, because at the same time, to you not, a man can't force it on a woman either. You know, a

man can force on a woman. But that's a whole Yeah. But what I'm saying is that, like you know, it definitely is completely different. But what I'm saying is that's fair. I talk about men's weaknesses all the time. I can't backtrack and then say now that we're stronger. I think when it comes to matters of sex, women are stronger mentally.

I'm not gonna lie, but ahead, right. So that being said, the reason why I felt like I had control, especially in that situation, is because well, it was a message and that was it, and that was even if he wanted to create conversation with me after the fact, I know that I was gonna put the combastion that anyway, because that's not what I was there for. But I do understand in a retrospe now where you're coming from

where you felt like kating. You're doing exactly to this female what you said, right, and I get it, but I was like hell now, but I also felt like but I also felt like it puts you in a in a horrible light because now you have a team of ballplayers sitting behind a computer and you're in boxing him. It's gonna make you look bad and make you look thirsty. And my thing is the same way you said that

these women who inbox me look thirsty. I don't want my girlfriend looking thirsty because they don't care about your intent. And we talked about toxicity. The intent of what you

do doesn't change the impact it is. What it is, is that what y'all did back in the day, like you and your your football absolutely y'all sat behind somebody's laptop of the team y'all looking at who was Let me tell you something right now, because I'm just like where to say you've painted this picture now where I'm the lonely girl behind my laptop, but he's a gang of dudes behind him checking out his in box. Nobody said you was a lonely girl, because you use fine

as hell. You wasn't lonely. I was there lonely in the moment when I sent the message you're talking about, you're sending it to an athlete who was part of a team. Like, this is what we do. We sit in the locker room. Yo, you got an inbox from who? And if it's the pretty girl on campus, everybody wants to see what she said. That's what dudes do, the same way. You got your girls, your girls squad. You

know what I'm saying. If a guy that y'all are interested in sends you an inbox, what you're gonna do? I'm showing on my home girls. Right, So this is my thing. Right, I operate from a place of rationale. Okay, if you say to me you don't want something to be done to you, you should not do the same thing to somebody else necessarily, So not necessarily. This is what I go through. So that was we were. I was twenty when it happened. That was twenty when that happened.

We were going through that, right, So let's go to the next step. Okay, this is when I was in the NFL, Right, anytime I went out with my friends, it was a problem. Case in point, when I was playing ball, you and your home girls went out, y'alln't had drinks, y'all went and played spades. I never had a problem with you going on. Let me finish my story. Let me make sure, because I'm not telling no lines. Two thousand and seven. A go ahead, y'all went out,

y'all was having drinks. You'a will go play spades at dudes basement? Right, y'all go play base. Maybe that wasn't nobody basement, but who's so where were you all playing spades that day? It was in the living room. Wasn't a basis? Okay, it don't matter to me where I was playing space? Right? I come back. I got all my friends, and we had our female friends that we hang out with. But every time I went to go out,

oh you're going out with your little friends. Your little friends out, you have to give them the context of what was happening. So at this time in our life, I was at grad school, still in New York. You were away in Michigan. The reason I was hanging out was because I knew I had no boyfriend. This was our first time being away from each other grad school

was stressful. I couldn't be there in Michigan with you, So my way of passing time was literally to be out, Like if the weekends could fly with no women, you could hang out with you hang out and hang out with people with penises. Huh, that's what you had to hang out with. It shut up. So we went out. Yes, we did go out. We went to different lounges, we

went to different clubs. But it's the justification because but on the flip side, so the reason for being out like that which we spoke about, the reason for being out was because that was my way of dealing in coping with you not being there. I try to keep myself busy because if I was just sitting in my room soaking in my sorrows out of felt worse about

not having you. Right. So when you, in turn, came home after the season was over and you came back to campus and you were pretty much living with me on campus, I wasn't going out no more because I'm like, I have my husband, not your boyfriend. Well, you still went out. I still went out because your Thursday and Fridays, I still went out because you were out and you

hung out with these gentlemen and friend as well. Right, I did hang out with them, but at that time I was expecting you to come home to be with me, but you wanted to go out now because you felt like it was yet little friends, a freshman friends. That's all it comes down. They weren't all of them as well. One more year of experience. Great. The point is. The point is when we were growing up and we were

learning each other. Any time I went out with members of the opposite sex, she had an issue with it. She found the reason why. When she did it, it was perfectly fine, but when I did it, it was a problem. And you explained what that just to get back at me. That's what That was the reason why you were doing it. You with theos. You really want to be with me, but you like, you know what, I have a point to proof because Kay was hanging out. Let me explain something seeing you, Okay, I was trying

to cope with the fact. Then I came back and I needed to hang out with my friends. Shut up, that's what you just said. You had to cope, so

you had to hang out with your friends. See what you're doing though, you exactly, and you were exactly doing what you felt like you needed to do to get back at me because you were we were salty, and you were better and you were upset about the fact that I was hanging out with guys and girls while you were away, so you felt like, this is your time to come home, be in my face with it. If that's how you that's what it was that you want to take it, you can take That's what it is.

Anybody taking it over With my point, women always feel like they're in control of everything, right. Women always feel like that. It's like, you know this is and I'll do this too. That's just the bro. That's the bro. That's the bro. But then when your guy mess up, then you gotta show you girl crying on his shoulder. You cry on his shoulder, and the next time you cry on his chest, and the next time you're crying on they lep. Then before you know, he's dicking your mouth.

That's just what happens. You know how I know because I have friends who are single who are the bro to other people's girls who have boyfriends, and you know what happens they boyfriend's mess up. You know he ain't to eat me out in two weeks and it's come in, baby, come and come come in. Bro, come here, assist, Come here, assist. Crying on my shoulder, sists crying on my chest. Sis.

Shame on your friends, have shame on your friend, for your friends or whoever these friends you are that then we're not being the strong friend that she may have needed, and then allowed that to go down. She don't want with the boyfriends. This is what in a honerable state, they took advantage of the vulnerable state she was in, and that's not fair. So, you guys, there's nothing I say, k is gonna find a way to justify women's behavior. I'm not because there are some trifling women out there.

There are, There absolutely are. So it's a case by case scenario, which everything is, however, So I'm just saying personally, I believe that women have control over those types of situations. I agree with that in some cases. I'm not going to give you the exception and try to make it the rule. I've already said so many times that men

need sex, So I get it. If you have an attractive woman and she comes on to a man, it is a lot harder for a man sometimes to say no, right, But this is my point, and this is where it's going to take me to where we are now. There came a point in our relationship where Codeine had told me she forbid me to talk to somebody. Yes, forbid me, and that was probably the worst thing she could ever do in her life, because I do not like to

be put in the box. Ever since I was a kid, my parents could tell me, Devout, do not do this. I'm going to find a way to do it. It could be to my detriment, but I just have to do it because I don't like being put in the box. That's because I have about two or three kids that are the same way, and I already know that I'm going to have to deal with the same thing with them. And the funny thing is, even though I don't like being put in the box, I don't even want to

put you in the box. Well, it's it's funny because in that scenario that you were talking about, where I was pretty much just like Devout, I don't want you to be friends with this person anymore. I pretty much forbid you to see you can say pretty much you said I forbid, and I bust out laughing, and I was like, you forbid me? What I mean old English times? Now I forbid thee to speak to the like. I was like, what, I don't did I really forbid? You said?

You said forbid, and I was like, I don't know where this is coming from, right, but you knew it was coming from You know. My reasons for wanting you not to continue to speak with this person because I felt like this person was becoming more than a French devot, and not in a physical way, but for me being his woman at the time, I felt as though this person was now developing an emotional connection to Devot that I did not appreciate, and that was more harmful for me.

I felt could have been more of a detriment to us in our relationship versus a physical thing, and that

was my issue with that. So yes, I might have told about that I forbid forbid him to speak to this person and in doing that, he proceeded to speak to this person even more because, like you said, Rifling, it's not it's just as my personality, You've got to take the good with the bad, Like I'm not going to be forbid to do anything when when we were going through our situations and and this is for you guys to know. There were times when I did things

that across the line. There were times you did things across the line. At no point there at no point when you cross the line did I ever say I forbid the to do anything. I always said to you, Do you feel like that's something you need to do? Do you feel like that's something you want to do? Make a choice and let me know. Am my line exactly, And what I'm talking, like, what I'm saying is is that I choose to live my life that way. So I don't try to put you on different standards that

I live my life. But that's something that I had to learn because I didn't necessarily operate that right right, you know. And that was an issue for Deval and I because he's just like, well, I wouldn't have done it this way. And not just with this scenario. We have tons of different scenarios where it's like, well, I wouldn't have handled it this way when it comes to parenting, when it comes to you know, anything, I wouldn't have

handled it that way. And I'm like Devout, well, just because you didn't handle it that way, it didn't mean that the way I did it was wrong. It's just a different route. I agree. So now when it comes to Devout and things, you know, I'm like, Devot, please don't take out the garbage. Please leave the garbage right there, Devot? And what does the vou do? Take out the motherfu garbage? So we good? Now I know what I gotta do.

It's like reverse psychology for this guy here, because I've learned with this whole boundary word and the whole forbidding situation, that Devot is gonna want to do the opposite of what you tell him. But I mean, it's it's a little bit more deeper than that, especially when you're talking about members of the opposite sex and friendships, right, because a lot of what I learned about women I learned from women, right from friends. Because there's nothing a man

can tell me about my wife. I'm sorry, I just like there's certain things, there's certain uh intricacy, these and nuances of being a woman that only a woman can explain. So for me having the ability to reach out across the aisle and talk to a woman that's not my mom or your mom or your sister or my sister

or your friend. I need that because I need someone that's going to be objective, objective sometimes you know what I'm saying, soliciting conversation or help or advice or just the lending ear of a female who is detached from your relationship. Because for me, when you put boundaries on people, right and you say you can't speak to this person or you can't do this because we're in a relationship, all that does is limit you as a person. Like what if this person works in the same field as

I do and we have to work together. What if this person could help advance us as a family because they provide something that we could use. For me to just cut off half of the human species because they have breasts and vaginas is just stupid. Might I add that the woman I forbad him to talk to, or forbid it was forbid, forbad him, forbade him to speak to. The one I forbade you to speak to was exactly

devoced type. That's not exactly, that's not like total beautiful to say, so great as you were just having just strictly conversations about well, as a woman, I don't necessarily need another woman to know what my issues are. That was my thing. This is the thing too though. You never want to have somebody to have something, to be able to hold something against you. In my defense, though, you only got defensive when you felt the woman was

a threat. I have female friends all the time. If you didn't feel like she was a threat, you didn't have an issue with me talking to them. You can't then choose who I speak to his friendship based on near looks. First of all, this was someone new too, like you've had female friends over the years as well too, that I understand that this was someone new. But what I'm saying is is over the course of history new friends,

over the course of history new friends. You were very selective with who you decided I couldn't be friends with, and it just so happens that most of them were attractive women. You had issues with women who are attractive who are around me often if if it was a woman that you didn't think was attractive, you never had no problems with it, which is problem which is of women in relationships with men. Back in college days, for sure, Yes, yeah, and there was insecurities that came with that. I was

still learning myself. I was insecure about things, you know, with my body, with everything, you know, still trying to learn who I was. So yeah, at that time, I didn't have those insecurities, for sure. I didn't have those insecurities because I felt like, if you were going to make a choice to be with me, regardless of whether I forbid you or I blocked you from being friends with this person or liking this person's picture, or regardless, if you chose not to be with me, you're gonna

find a way not to be with me. And if you chose to be with me, you were going to be with me worried about that. That's a very logical approach. But I didn't have that logic at the time. And I'll admit that I didn't have that logic. And and there lies the problem, which is why you know we're even having this conversation. Yeah, sorry, go ahead. So we're having this conversation because I get this all the time. I'm married. My husband got friends, you know, at work.

I don't want him to have no female friends at work. What should I do? You can't tell that man not to talk to no women. What if its supervised as a woman. What if this boss is a woman, what if the person hr The thing about life is that it's not about what you know, it's about who you know. You have to create relationships in life and who knows you right absolutely and who knows you you have to

create relationships. If you choose to cut off half of the relationships in your life because there are members of the opposite sex, because your loved one or the person that you're in a relationship feels uncomfortable, you're setting yourself up for failure. So then where does the word boundary come in? Like, is there a certain boundary that you believe should be set up? I know you don't believe in boundaries, don't. Like with you and I are within

our relationship, we don't have boundaries for each other. We do not have. But I've heard the word boundaries before. You know. That's the topic today. We're talking about boundaries and what a boundary is? Um So, how do you establish that? Is there a need for boundaries? So so is that unique to just a relationship thing? Or do you just feel like those boundaries should go out the window. Now No, I don't feel all boundaries should go out

the window. But what I'll say is this some of the bound injuries that I hear in speaking with men to me is just very archaic and very dumb. Right, So a couple of gentlemen told me I'm not allowed to like anybody's pictures on Instagram. I'm not allowed to look at women when they walk by. M hm. So I'm like, so you're just not allowed to live. You can be on Instagram and have an Instagram page, but the one thing that you're supposed to do on Instagram,

which is looking like pictures, you can't do. Why because my girl doesn't feel comfortable with me liking pictures. I can't speak to or have friends in my workplace that are women. And I'm like, are you serious. They're like, this is not possible. Anytime I have a female friend, my wife has a problem, my girlfriend has a problem. I wonder if there's a history there, like they've had issues in the past with women. Probably is a history. Sometimes even if it's not a history, she has her

own history, which is why she put those boundaries. I'm gonna I'm gonna put something out here for for women to understand and men to understand. Right, it doesn't matter how many boundaries you put on a person. If that person wants to cheat on you, they're going to find a way. Well that's one thing I will period. So for me, what's the point of putting boundaries? Someone has to make a choice to be here, right, you know

what I'm saying. I think my issue with the word boundaries and where it comes from is that with boundaries, I feel like there is a choice taken away, and the choice is me deciding to do or not do whatever it is. And I just never like my choice to be taken away. And I think that's one thing you and I both agree on is that even when it came time for difficult conversations to be had, when it came time for you know, we're on the brink of we don't know if we want to do this anymore.

And it's just like, I don't know. The reason that we chose to be transparent with each other, the reason that we chose to be honest with each other and come clean about things we've had to complain about, was because then it was even playing field for the other person to decide to be here. And when there's the deceit involved, then we lose that choice and I'm here on the false presentence and I don't like that, and we don't like that as a couple. So that's our

thing with boundaries, why we don't have them. But at the same time too, I feel as though a lot from the women's perspective, and this is what I've learned just from in talking to other women. Um, yes, we do have our own securities that make us feel like we can now impart those insecurities on the people around us.

And is it right? No, it's not necessarily right. I can see how it can be stressful within a relationship because, um, I know somebody that like envy is the fact that you and I. For example, if we're walking down the street together and we see a girl with like a fatass, I'm like that, I'll tap you and I'll find it first and I'll let you know, yo, because I can appreciate the beauty and a woman you can as well. And that's just something that we're comfortable doing with each other.

Or if I'm scrolling through I g and I see it, dude, that it's like man is and I DM you be like, yo, look at look at homeboys abs or whatever, and you follow. But that what that does is keep me on my toes though, because I feel like if I know what attracts my woman, right and I know that this is what my woman likes, I want to be the best version of myself and if I could be close to what she likes, I know that it can work for me and you as well. You understand what I'm saying.

It just the same thing goes for me just following women who are in fitness and all that good stuff. It's like, you know, I want to be able to know, like, Okay, devout likes x y Z and I want to stay fit. Sometimes I use that as motivation, not even have anything to do with you, per se, but it's motivation for me to be like, you know what, I can look like this as well too. And I don't think it's

being superficial. I just think it's being like, you know what, let me just stay on my toes for my man and I can appreciate the beauty and another woman and that's just the relationship we have. We're comfortable with that, but some people just aren't comfortable with that. And the thing is, I get that, and I know a lot of people are gonna ask, how did you get to the point of no boundaries and what does no boundaries mean? And how does it help your relationship? So let me

uh divoge this information. I feel like Codeine and I reached a point where when and I'm I, you know, I'm petty. I see it all the time. I'm mad petty. So when Codeine was trying to put boundaries on me, I was like, fine, if if you can't do it, then you can't do this. And then Conine was like okay, and I was like, ship, that's not working because that's not what I wanted to happen. I wanted her to argue with me that she didn't want to do it,

but she didn't want to argue. But then I realized it didn't make me happy to try to put boundaries on her. What the first thing I noticed about being in a relationship and making it work with no boundaries is that you have to find someone who's making a

choice to be with you unconditionally. And what does that mean That person is waking up and saying I want to be with de Vow because the val is Devout, not I want to be with Devout because he provides this or because he tells me I can't have this no, I want to be with Devout just because de Val is Devout. When you find some one who was just into being with you unconditionally, you can then start to begin to live a life of no boundaries. Now that

doesn't mean that things aren't gonna happen. It's gonna make you feel away, because sometimes things happen with Codeine and I and I say hey, I felt a little uncomfortable with that, you know, and then once that happens, you have to sit down and have a conversation about how that made you feel. Perfect example about boundaries and no boundaries. When we met, Codein says she wanted to get into

broadcast journalism. She says she never wanted to be an actress. Right, I told her, my life goal is to be a sex symbol. I want to be Will Smith, but bigger. I want to be bigger than the Rock. I want to be running down the street with my my shirt open with a gun in my hand. Like that's just always what I wanted to do. Right, So she knew what that entails. That means, yeah, maybe in sex scenes and maybe in this and maybe that that's what it was.

I told her from the beginning, I just didn't. I never wanted to date an actress because at the time, the way they objectified women's bodies in Hollywood, I was worried about how my my wife would be portrayed if she was a sex symbol or a female sex symbol. So when Codeine and I got married and then she decided she wanted to get into TV film, I was like, and then, know you wanted to be an actress and I was like he literally literally said, I did not

sign up for that. That's exactly what I said. And I was like, well, dude, you know I always it on camera work. You thought it was strictly going to be broadcasting. But as we started to like auditions for commercials and stuff together, I was like, wow, I actually really do like the performance side of things. And I went to grad school for performance studies. So that's where I started doing more performance and acting related things. Right, and for me at that point in our marriage, it

was like we had just had Jackson. Um, this was no, this was Jackson was four. We're going off the Terio's commercial. Jackson was forced is about four years ago. I had thought I was going to put up a boundary and say listen, I don't if you're gonna get into Hollywood and TV film, then I don't know if this is

gonna work. And to me, I felt like that was a boundary I was gonna put up, absolutely, So then we spoke about it and I was just like, this doesn't feel good with me trying to put up a boundary saying you can't do TV film or we can't be married. It just felt so wrong for me, like and realistically it had nothing to do with her. I didn't feel like I was taking anything away from her. I just felt wrong putting up a boundary for someone else. So I was like, let's sit down and figure out

how we can make this work. What are you willing to do, What are you not willing to do? What am I willing to do? What am I not willing to do as an actor? And her as an actor, and let's sit down and figure out what makes us feel uncomfortable. And that was like literally a very real conversation that we had in that moment, and I appreciated that after the fact because it also made me really sit on and think, is this something that I want

to do? Because you know, do you think about oh right, I could just do things on television, and I could be on television, but there's so many different areas of it. There's commercial acting, there's you know, doing film and television shows, and you know, I started to get away from the broadcasting side of things and doing hard news because I felt like I wouldn't be able to use much of my personality with that. You know, with hard newds, you just deliver the news and you don't give any kind

of opinion. It's just very kind of straightforward. You can use your creative oh you can't use your creative freedom. So when I started doing more like hosting entertainment type stuff,

I was like, this starts to feel better. And then with Devot auditioning not to even to even put it out their devot kind of inspired me as well, looking at his journey starting to do things like that, having to You're welcome and being his reader whenever he had to do self tape auditions and reading with him, and I was just like wow, getting into scenes with him, this is something that kind of inspired me as well.

So we had a very real conversation because it also made me feel like, Okay, we're gonna have this conversation. We're gonna have the the understanding of what both of us want to do. But it also made me as an actor feel like, Okay, I should really consider and think about the things that I want to do and not do, or things I'm willing to do and won't do.

You know, people recently have asked about Devot having this new role in System on PA because he had sex scenes in it, And I think we're able to get through things like that because we had this conversation years ago. Um, we're also at a different point in life where we're older and we're more mature and sorry and just knowing the industry and knowing what goes into shooting a sex scene. It is the most unsexy thing ever. It is. There's no intimacy and sing. But I will say this though.

It's also speaking up and Mr Perry saying listen, I know that you're married, you have children. This will be tasteful exactly. And that was important for me because if he knows where I stand, he knows who I am as a person, he knows that I can still be a sex symbol and I don't have to sell my body and being involved in that and then knowing Kadine, I'm saying, you know what, my wife can be a sex symbol and she doesn't have to sell her body to get across the fact that she's a mom and

she's sexy and she's a woman. That's how it is. Like, there's a new project that's um in the works as well right now, and I, you know, showed some interest and potentially auditioning, and my agent was pretty much like, no, girl, this is not for you. She said, pretty much, this is like soft porn. Yeah, She's like, this is not gonna You're not gonna be comfortable with any of this. And that's because they know the boundaries and they understand

what we're doing. And I didn't set these boundaries with the best thing about is that I didn't set these boundaries for Codein Codeine and I had a conversation she set the boundaries for herself because I said to her at one point she was you know, there were there was a showtime show that was interested in her for a lead lead role and she was the love interest to the main character and there were sex scenes involved.

And she let me know what she would be interested in and what she wouldn't be interested in, and This was right before she had gotten pregnant with Kyro and Cass. So she set her own boundaries, and I felt comfortable with the boundary. She said, I didn't have to set no boundaries, and that leads me to having friends of

the opposite sex. Right, So, once you've already established how the person that is gonna be with you was gonna be with you unconditionally, it's a lot easier when you're getting two matters of the opposite sex because I don't have to set boundaries on my wife, on my girlfriend, she'll set boundaries on herself that she knows what probably make me feel uncomfortable, and if something happens, I can say to her, this happened, and I feel a little

bit uncomfortable. That is, what do you think about it? And then at that point, if she if I expressed her that I feel uncomfortable, it's on her to decide whether she wants to continue that behavior. If she decides she wants to continue that behavior even though what makes me uncomfortable, is then on me to decide if I want to continue to exist in this relationship. And that's what I mean about no boundaries. I allow people in my life to live the life freely because I can

always remove myself. I can't then force myself on someone and say we're gonna be on this in this relationship and you're gonna follow my rules. That to me would never work, and it won't work either way. The same way, I don't want boundaries. I never want to put those boundaries on code because then I feel like I'm taking away her right to choose as a human how she wants to live her life. And it's worked for us. No,

it definitely has worked for us. You know, sometimes talking about what you're willing and not willing to accept from your signals picking other um means that you have to have really our conversations. You know, it might be difficult, you know, it's difficult in the terms of like um in the short term you think of having that conversation, but then in the long run it's just so much worth so much more worth it. And that's something that

we've really experienced firsthand. What are some scenarios that you can think of, Babe, that we have or maybe if we give people like a step by step to just having these conversations, it's very very simple, Like you look in my life now I'm on a TV show. I have a love interest that the show is called Sisters. These are four beautiful women for beautiful women that I'm

around all the time, all the time. So in order to create a sense of comfort between my wife and these women, but also let her know that there's no boundaries and that she can feel comfortable within this space, the first thing I did was introduce my wife to these women. Right, so these are gonna be my friends, my co workers. The worst thing you can do is ice al the woman you love from the friends that are female in your life. That's the worst thing you can do. That's is my wife, I want to keep

her away from my friends. If these are yours trying to keep works strictly separate from it's there's to me that causes an issue because then it's like, well, why are you keeping a separate If these women are going to be a part of your life and I'm your life partner, we should all exist together. So what I do deliberately outside of just having the conversation is if I have any female friends, they know my wife. My

wife knows them period. The worst thing is when you hear anything that you don't know and you'd be like, well, right, because then you start to wonder, like why you know why it is just kept from me? Right? So then on top of that, I allow my not allow, because I even hate that word, like I allow my wife. I include my wife and the decisions that I make with my female friends. For example, when we first went to Atlanta, Ebony had an issue with her apartment. Yes alright,

Ebeny is DeVos love interest. She plays Karen. Yes yes, And Ebony called me she had issue with her apartment and she needed to get picked up. I picked her up. At the time, I had two bedrooms, two bathrooms in the apartment. The first thing I did was say, kay, Eany's having an issue apartment. I'm gonna running pick her up. Emmany is from New York. I run pick Ebany up. I called Kay. I'm like, you know, Ebeny was you know, hey, you have a wife. I'll get a hotel. I said,

give me a second. First of all, it's twelve pm, I mean twelve am, right. Let me call k let her know what's going on. If she feels comfortable, then you can just stay here for the night. I called k. K was like, yeah, I'm not worried about it. But that's just an example of how being upfront and transparent with the situation allows people to move without there being

any issues. And guys, I was not always this mature, okay, because Cadine back in two thousand forward to be like, you want your little friend to stay with you with your too better apartment? Are you serious? And then you would said, you would have said okay, then you would have got on a plane, and then you would have tried to catch us doing something that we weren't doing.

And you look crazy as hell when you busting the door and she was sleeping on one side of the apartment and I was sleeping on the other side of apartment, because that's what people do. That's the crazy people. It's been like a setup, like, yeah, go ahead, let's say that. Let's say that. And it wouldn't have just been it had been you, and it had been Sophia, and it had been Sharife you share, everybody really up, and I'd have been like, so old father, y'all got on the planet.

You're you bought it on my credit card and you on the door. But no, honestly though, and and and to be up. But that's a very good situation a scenario because you figure here you are a married man. I'm your wife, Ebony. I've known just because you've worked on a patch project with Love together. Shout out to Love. Yeah, I know of her, I don't know her well enough to say, you know, okay, I'm comfortable per se, but

understanding being a woman. Knowing this after midnight, you guys are working together, I wanted to be less stressful for you as well. I know that you are have a huge heart and you're gonna try to help somebody as much as you can. So I was just like, all right, cool, I'm fine with it. And then she had ended up staying with you for like, what was it, a week or two until she found another place in the airbnb spot and it was cool and she was very respectful

to because she was very very respectful. And the thing is, it's also known in your partner, Like, if you know your partner, you know you have nothing to worry about. And that's part of that. If you know your partner, you know you're something to worry about, right, And you said, you know, I'm not comfortable with that. You know, if you if you know your partner, You're not not comfortable

with that. For me, I'm at the point in my life, especially with Codeine, and and to be honest, I was always at this point, and Codeine says that she don't know how I was here. I was never a phone checker, I was never an email checker. I was never a person that ran behind Cone because I've always felt like Codeine is going to do what Codeine wants to do.

And also, women are way better at hiding information than men, because y'all knowsy okay, And since y'all nosy, y'all know how to get to get information, you know how to get information, you know how to hide it from you. I have certain people that will be able to dig all the info up just through scrolling through a couple of Instagram pages and Google. If y'all really wanted to

secure cancer, women could cure cancer, right, y'all. Figure, that's what I call Okay Doherty explorer because she's always been this type of person to know everything. I'm just not like that. I don't. I don't want to snoop. And even people ask me, now, do you think they ever cheating on you physically? I said, I don't know. It's like, what you mean, you don't know? I don't know. Why don't you know? Because I never investigated to find out, and I don't want to know. Whatever happened in the

past happened in the past. We are where we are now. We're in a really good space. I'm not going to continue to look for things because if you look for things, you'll find them, And to be honest, I feel like that's just exhausting as a person. No, it is. I mean, I will admit back in the day I did go through the vose phone. I had my moments when I was just being nosy literally, and it wasn't even necessarily any one thing that sparked me to do that. I didn't feel a kind of way about it. It's just

I was just being nosy. To be honest, Yeah, what happened in our relationship that made you evolve from being nosy being in my phone to now being like, I'm not gonna have no boundaries for DEVO, do what you want to do. Let's see how this goes. Kids and time literally having children and not having enough time like I honestly have come to the point where I feel like if I had the time that I take to invest in looking through your phone, looking through emails, trying

to connect dots all that. If I invested that time and something for myself or for my children, or trying to advance my career, or to working out or doing something more productive with my day, I think I'm mature enough in my life where I could feel like this is count to productive. It's kind of like negative comments, like people who take the time to create like you know,

bogus names online and troll people and negative comments. If you invested the time that you've taken to create such negativity or to just be so idle, if you took that time to invest in yourself, imagine how much farther along you'd be. And I think that that was my turning point. I really felt like this was counterproductive. I'm not getting anywhere with this. This is just creating a negative space in a negative environment, and this energy is doing nothing for me. Is that doing nothing for us?

I imagine me sitting here going through your email with my children just kind of like hanging around, you know, not really doing anything, when I could be sitting down and like really engaging with them and having quality time moments that was the turning point for me. I understand that. I mean, that's that's that's fair, and it makes a lot of sense. But you know what's funny though, right when you mentioned all the things you could invest in,

you didn't mention investing in me. You said yourself, you said your career, you said to a kid, you didn't see me. You know that's an issue for me, right, I know, I know you know that's an issue for It goes without saying like, I don't know, I don't know that this is. This is something that men and women don't realize we do. And I think part of it has to be chemical because as a mom, you have way more responsibility. So I feel like once you have kids, you're focused then goes into them, which I

think is it's natural. Like part of the reason why I wanted to marry you is because I knew you would be a great mom. Right, But I do hear this a lot from men, is that my wife spends so much time taking care of herself, take care of for kids, to care everything else, that she forgets to take care of me. Right, Whereas men feel like I always have to make sure that I'm taking care of my wife to make sure that she's good. So I feel like a large part of women sometimes being insecure

about other women. I think there's a subconscious dare that's like, she may know that she's not putting enough time and energy into her husband, so she don't want her husband to find that time somewhere else. And I think that that's deep because people don't ever want to say it, and they're worried about getting backlash for saying it, but it's the truth. So many husbands and so many men feel like, you know, my wife is great, my wife is she does everything, but I'm always last on the

total poll. You know what? For me when I just listed like the things that I could be putting time into. The reason why I say myself so much is because I know that there were a lot of years that I was not well. This goes back to me and the feelings that I've had that I said before about inadequacy. So I feel as though there's been times that I

have not been pulling my weight as much. Um times when I feel like I could have been like max and out my earning potential or just really like pounding the pavement to be able to pull and hold up to to my end of the bar, and when it comes to just being for the family, and there's a lot of times that I haven't done that I feel like I've fallen short, and that just maybe maybe me.

I know that I contribute in other ways in terms of just like rearing the children and keeping house together and looking after things, but I know I'm very hard on myself and that I feel like there's moments where I've I've lacked in that department. So when I did say I have, I can be using that time to

pour into myself. It's really just to make myself a better person, because I feel like you're such a great human being, and there's times where I felt like I've been faltering in comparison to what you've been able to provide. So do you feel like because you felt subconsciously that there was an insecurity that you weren't stacking up when other women came around, did you feel like I was

trying to feel that void? And absolutely, I think that that's important to talk about because for me, I think it was the opposite part of the reason why I never worried about you cheating, whether it happened or not, was I always knew that I was pouring a thousand percent into my my woman. So for me, it was like, if I'm pouring into my woman, I'm not worried about

going New World because I know what I'm doing. If I find out where it happens that she goes somewhere else than she wasn't the woman for me, and she just you know, she just didn't want to be here. So for me, I didn't have that insecurity to be worried about you with other dudes. You understand what I'm saying, And I feel like that's something that should be spoken about in relationships that people don't. Women have a lot

to deal with all the time. I never and I just said, I made a post about this on Instagram. I in my life have never had to stop my career to have children. I never in my life had to stop my career or not just just gain weights to make sure that I could have kids. These are things that men never have to focus on. So because I never have to focus on that, I'm on autopilot when it comes to going to the gym. I'm on autopilot when it comes to work. Is I'm gonna autopilot

with certain things. So since I'm on autopilot, I can really focus on making sure my wife is happy because these things that I've never had to reset, you as a woman, have had to reset because you had kids, And I get saying you know that leads me back to feeling like, damn insecurity. I'm just yeah, the insecurity is the inadequacy is like feeling like I can't match up or I can't keep up with you because you're

always like go go, go, go go. And it's never me trying to discredit what you do as a provider or what you do um for you know, for the family or with your career, in the advancements you've made with your career, Like all of that I'm super happy about. And that's I feel like I'm able to hold down the four in a sense so that when you don't have to worry about that stuff on the back end.

But in the same breath, I'm like the time, like I said that, I was spent just like doing negative ship, I could just be put back into myself and then being able to match up two questions, what you've been doing. Will you say that there was nothing that I could do to make your insecurities go away is something you had to discover on your own, that was told you

self discovery. So then that's another reason for me to feel like there's no boundaries you should ever put on anything if there's nothing I can do to make you happy. And I made another Instagram at post about this. You can make a woman mad, it's easy to make a woman mad. You cannot make a woman happy unless she already has happiness within herself period period. And I feel like there's different pressures on women than they are on men, especially when it comes to beauty and looks and how

you're supposed to keep it. There's definitely a different pressure there that I can understand why it's easy. It's a lot more easier for a woman to feel insecure with other women around. But what does help you know, in addition to all that, though it's not something that you can do for me, what's always made me feel a little bit more comfortable, whether it was mean while I was pregnant, post pregnancy, you always made me feel as if I was the most beautiful woman in the world.

And those things, to me, you're just a little figure, But I like that. Yeah, But those little those little moments and those little times that you've taken to kind of reassure me that you were still in love with me, and whatever state I was in, it helped with the process of me you know, kind of kind of lessening the blow of those insecurities. But you know, until I was ready to see that for myself, it is no

getting past that. You know, I'm saying absolutely. I mean, we covered some taboo topics this season, um, but when it really comes down to like boundaries, I think boundaries helps to set the tone, expectations, foundations for like what you and your partner are willing to work through together based on individual needs, like on the on the grand scheme of things, That's what the boundary is, right. You kind of set those out there so you know, Okay,

this is something I will tolerate. I won't you know when you go from there. So boundaries are like budgets, but you hate budgets, right, Budgets are made to be broken, So boundaries are made to be broken. See what I'm saying that that's just for us though, or you know what, so the boundaries aren't broken, we just don't make them at all. How about that? How about that? How how women specifically k like to justify her behavior might just

changing things around. You're good at moving the go post well. Through this discovery, you know what I realized, The only way you can exist in a relationship with no boundaries is if you unlock the happiness in yourself. That's period when it is down to once you've become so happy and so peaceful within yourself that you understand that the person that's with me is choosing me because of me. Until you find that, you will never be able to

exist in a relationship. So true. I think about our relationship, yeah, and just our relationship, and just in terms of other people's relationships, friends who have access for advice or just come to us. I think everything at the root of it was either one person or both people not being happy with themselves. And that is so true. We'll ship man. That's a that's a lot to take in. We've also found some discovery while talking through this, but we'll be back.

We actually have to take a quick break and move into some listener letters when we get back, but first we have to do some ads, so we'll be right back. This for the record, there it is. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons in his story. It comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the return to glory. This is All American, a new series

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your favorite podcast app. Alright, we're back, and what we did we this time around for listening to is we actually pulled some scenarios from the letters that you guys have been sending in which we thank you so much for doing that. Your emails have been so loaded and so juicy with all the DEAs shut up. That being said, So that being said, yeah, we have some scenarios that we pulled from and we were going to try to hash them out and just give us give our you know,

little viewpoints on these. So the first scenario is your spouse started a new job and sparked a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. You're starting to feel some type of way about it. How do you bring this up to your partner? Can your spouse be friends with someone of the opposite sex? What is a healthy boundary or expectation? What do some beliefs you hold about being friends with the opposite sex. I think we kind of spoke about this a little bit, did, but this is

very common though. People meet friends of the opposite sex at work all the time. It's inevitable. It's inevitable. Ye, Like we gave the scenario about val work now with someone on camera. I think a healthy way to go about it and a respectful way to go upbout it. If I had an issue with it, um was making sure that my significant other No, okay, I see you getting a little chummy with this female on the job. You know, is it cool if we can all go out for drinks one day or you know what I mean?

Because this is someone that you know, you have your significant other has to work with, and there's no way around that. I believe in the person having a healthy work environment as well, and you can't create a toxic work environment for them, because hey, that's their job be this other person. The other coworker has no idea and should not be privy to what's going on in your relationship and your own insecurities. Insecurities because that in turn

makes you look petty and super insecure. So having that conversation with your significant other saying hey, you know, I know you have to have this relationship at work. You know, I want you to be successful in your work environment.

It's a cool if we all just hang out one day, or hey, let's just invite such and such over for drinks, your coworkers and making a thing where everyone can get to other, an environment where you can just chill, kick back and talk, just so the introduction is made and that way, in turn, she feels more comfortable with the coworker and her spouse or significant other. I agree, So pretty much what you're doing is you're making a safe space for all of y'all to be friends, which I

agree with. And um, they asked what is a healthy boundary or expectation? A healthy boundary expectation is a friend of my spouse is going to be a friend of mine. So if there's a reason why you don't want your work wife or your real wife to be friends. Something seems a little odd, right, And it doesn't necessarily even have to be a chummy chummy like relationship with hanging out all the time, but for there to be a level of familiarity there um and then also there'll be

a level of respect. I think that being upfront about that from jump transparency, it's just supers Yes, I think transparency expectations would be that if you guys are becoming friends, that they would be friends with your life partner as well. That's a healthy expectation, you know. Now, are you expected to every time y'all go to lunch to be FaceTime? Then no, I think that that's a little bit a little bit much. But it's like, hey, I know I'm aware of this person. It's not that big a deal.

But like I said, if you know your partner and you know that they're making a choice to be with you every day, you really have nothing to worry about. And if you do have something to worry about, that's the conversation though, that that's something to do with y'all to right, and just don't make it a thing where you're now making it uncomfortable for the workspace that your significant is other in, and that coworker absolutely, because then

that distracts on whatever they're supposed to be doing. Network anyway, and I'm sure you want your husband or your wife to be out there making the coins and bringing them home. Do not interfere with the bag being made. Scenario number two. For the past month, you've been looking after the kids, cooking dinner, and washing the dishes while your significant other relaxes and watches TV. You're getting tired of doing all

the chores. How do you establish a new ground rule about splitting household responsibilities to the petty me would want to just sit back and not do any of it. So we're all just sitting there looking at each other, and after a while it's like, oh, these dishes isn't getting washed. I watched my parents do be starving, they don't work, Laundry is piling up, the kids look a mess at some point if somebody gonna but they don't work. I watched my parents do that. Really, you didn't tell

me about a couple of times that happened. I tell you one time in particular, my father used to always do the laundry, and my mother never does laundry, and my father used to cook a lot. So after my father won't strike, I'm gonna stuke, I'm not doing nothing, what you mean? So I go in the basement and they'd be laundry piled up in my father laundry. And this is when I was in college. My father would

be like, but you're going to watch clothes. I'm like, yeah, he can you throw a couple of my underwear in there? I'm like, yo, what is going on in here? Like y'all like you're having to stand laundry standoff? Like really, you're not too old for this. And I'm telling to I watched, I'm gonna do. I got another job too, I worked too. And my mother, my mother don't be

giving it ship. My mother will sit down there and not kids like to have a secret stash of underwear where she's like you know what, she probably like you should probably go buy underwear every week and not telling nobody because you know you're mad petty. And remember when remember with the toilet paper situation. I don't know if you know about this toilet paper situation, but me and Condeine were having a petty war, right and having a

petty war. We were arguing about budgets and I said, yo, you spend too much money on everything, like like at one point we went to talk. You brought mad toilet paper and she's like, fine, I'll cut back. I'll come back to you want me to cut back, I'll cut back on target runs. So she went and she bought one pot toilet paper. So I'm like, you buy one plot toilet paper, Like that's messed up, but whatever, I get it. You want to do this thing. So I'm

wiping my butt with the one plot. It's hurting, you know, my booty saw and stuff. I got, where's the kids? Like, I'm saving money on toilet paper, but now I got to buy more. But now I go on her closet and it's how petty she is. I go on closet and she got the charming in the closet. She got this expensive toilet paper she's talking about. She saved this from before. So she ain't buying a new toilet paper. She just ain't put the old toilet paper out she

saved in her closet. I was like, Yo, you mad petty son, you mad petty, you gonna have the sharman It was with the oint mean, while I'm using cardboard to wipe my butt, and I remember my mom came by the house, so she was like, who bought this toilet tissue? I went to use the bathroom in my hand just buster thessue like that talking about a roll. He wasn't rolling. So what are you doing this scenario? What are you doing the scenario? Right? You do what

I do. Establish the ground rule. You sit down and say y yo, you sit down and say listen, listen right, I've been washing dishes, mad Tom's I'm tired of washing the dishes. All right, We're gonna have to split this up because it's just not it's impossible. It's not fair, it's impossible. I mean we we've realized that now too. Sometimes that I was like the four when we had just one child, it was easy for me to like whip up being really quick, then do badtime with Jackson,

get him dressed while being at work all day. You know, I know that he had a hard day, so I'll be like, you know what, I'll take care of that. But once two or three kids roll around, and it's like dinner for everybody, half the dinners on the floor, it's a lot. So it's like, all right, I'm gonna cook, I'll clean the kitchen, you get the kids ready. You have to divvy up the work like it's impossible, And I mean it's impossible. I don't think it's a boundary thing.

But what happens is is people don't want to be nags number one, number two. I hear people say this all the time. I want my significant other to see me struggling and just want to help. Sometimes they don't see you struggling. You gotta say something mind like people don't. I now have to vocalize, did can you please help me get all three children ready? You know what I mean? Literally about in his own world, keeping his own world? Did I was sitting in the toilet with his phone

for thirty minutes, that's only minutes. Said I'm like, you know, we got somewhere to go, and we have all these kids to get dressed. And here's here's another reason why. Right as you naturally go through your progression of life, certain people take on certain responsibilities. Right, So getting the kids ready was one of the responsibilities that Codeine took on. I have other responsibilities, so I feel like she has hers I have mine. I'm not saying anything when I'm

chilling because I feel like that's her responsibility. I don't know she's getting overwhelmed, because when I take care of my responsibilities, I don't ask for no help until I get to the car. And he'd be like, why your online of crooked? Why you only got on one eyelash? Why half your head flat ironed? Oh? Develop because I was getting all the kids ready and I couldn't get the rest of myself ready. So don't even look at me and ask me why my eyeliner is crooked? Right now? Anyway,

real quickly, scenario number three. You've dipped into your shared bank account for a little online shopping because I was probably buying your ass and more underwear. Anyway, you've dipped into your shared bank account for a little online shopping. When you splurge one too many times, do you tell your spouse or hope that they won't notice. If your spouse is the valve, They're gonna notice because they got the alert to their phone before you even fully click pay, confirmed, Submit,

whatever the button is. Deval's gonna be like, did you just spend x y z on x y z and I'd be like, yes, because I got the alert to my phone. Let me tell you. So there's no if there a go ahead, go ahead finished No. I was just gonna say so if if the person is anything like de Vot, they it's not gonna get past them. It's not gonna get past them. So you hear how Codinas door the explorer, right, you could call me door read the explore red because when it comes to the

finances inspector, gadget I missed that cartoon sidebar. She'll call me, She'll I'll call her. I'll be like, yo, use that Starbucks. She was like, yeah, I said, you spent thirty two dollars coffee. What kind of coffee did you have? They called, and she's like, no, I didn't have this coffee head. So I said, I'm just making sure because in this day a fraud, I don't want anyone to ever get my card and start racking up a lot of charges. That always blames me on fraud. It's real. Fraud is real,

but it happens. You be knowing that it's me that it happens. She spent a lot of money on little tiny things that add up at the end of the month it happens, I don't be going into Starbucks like that now where I bought a whole coffee pot and I got my own coffee so that way I can make my own coffee at home, and I got a reusable cup. And that's only because you're welcome. Thank you, thank you so for this person here who's saying, did

you tell your spouse they don't notice? No, you better say something because if they notice, if they notice without you saying something, it's gonna look like it's deceitful. And that's just not fair, especially if it's shared together, like y'all earn that money together. Yeah, and if you're saving for something in particular, budgeting yourself, like just don't do it. Say something, bro sis whoever the online shop, because it's not always just the women. I know some men who

shot more than their their women. You show me the exception and try to make it the rule. Blah blah blah. You know, you know the demographic in this country, The highest spenders in this country are women. An I'm about to be out of that demographic. You're about to move it up. You're about to move up the whole demographic. You by yourself getting Amazon. They're gonna change it now. Well, actually, I haven't even reached that demographic. I'm twenty three. Okay,

you canna believe whatever you want. Those are fun scenarios. You guys have such great stories to tell. I enjoy fun real scenarios. Yes, and if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, y'all know where to hit us. Email us at dead ask Advice at gmail dot com. So keep those coming. We love to hear from you'all. Yes, do you have a moment of truth for us today? A moment of truth today? Moment

of truth today? I would say my moment of truth is to continue to use reverse psychology on the valve to get stuff done, since he doesn't like boundaries. Until you're aware of the fact that I'm using reverse psychology on you, can you be serious for once in your life? Like I'm a very serious person. Okay, serious person, you're just not taking a serious fine. Go ahead, give me a moment of truth. Then. The best boundary that you can give someone, it's no boundaries, and watch how they move.

Once you see how they move, make a decision on your own if you want to exist in their life. Period. This whole boundary thing of telling people what they can they can't do. Don't work, won't work, will never work. People lie to you when they say do this, say you don't like this, and then they'll conform. No, let that person that you want to live with live their life and then you make a choice if you can exist in their life period period. Don't make boundaries on

other people, make boundaries on yourself. I can't exist over there with you. So you're saying, have internal boundaries that will allow you to then move accordingly. Absolutely, don't let nobody else give you boundaries. Live like Neo in the Matrix. Okay, do you are the one when the boundaries keep coming You just got that whole put their hand out, you do the whole like flashback, stop stop the boundary bullet. Oh yeah, now you stop the boundary bullet in his track.

Then you drop it because all these agents, the agents will come for you. Don't let the agents come for you. Gotch Neo and the Matrix dess be short to follow us on social media. Check out our handles that's I am devout I am And if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe Homies. Yes. Buddy Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square and Dinora Penia. Our chief content Officer is

Chris Banning. Our associate producers are Kristin Torres and Trouble. Our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns and mixed by Andy, Kristen's daughter. For back, I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now as part of the stitchen Et. We're called Substraction that's available everywhere. Getting podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it please,