Rekindling Intimacy After Pregnancy

term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead Ass starts right now. Story time, story I'm nervous about you're gonna tell? What? What's gonna tell? When we're talking about intimacy and whatnot? Why are you? Why are you nervous? I don't know, because you know you'd be having funny stories, because funny

should be happening in this house, y'all. Now it's to be to be honest, it's it's not even funny story. It's just how you change right, how you change like immediately after the baby comes out, because while the baby was in there, you don't want no parts to me at all. You still handled your business to make sure I was taking care of But now give you a quick story how you almost made me crash? Right, I

got k car? Well, our first were almost crashed your cars, Like, I can't call from all you women saying what you get, kre, what you get kre. The reason why we didn't post a push present is because it's not enough spirit to be boastful. It was a gift for me to her,

and she received that. She didn't want to post it. Also, people is called jacking, and you can and people out here, and you gotta keep it off the internet because I don't want people to know what type of car my wife drive, because we're not trying to have those problems because I do buzz guns too, Just letting y'all know that trying to roll up on my baby. Chitty chitty bang bang, all right, But that's not even the story.

The story is I'm driving a car coming back from the studio, right and I see a d M. Right, and I see the d M. It's from cadeem and and the d M says, um, it was a guy. There was a guy with the eyes open like this, and he was looking down. And it says when she puts it here in the ponytail and takes that sip of water and then and the caption said, they got nine thousand, and you said, well, in Mike, you put

it in my case? Is that sip of milk? And I almost crashed because I realized in that moment that my baby is them in back. That's a fact, because it is three weeks postpartum and now she's sending me almost four counting down, it's almost four weeks postpartum, and that's when she gets back from her freaky diky ship right after the baby comes out. That's when she started looking at me differently. But I've seen that, and I almost laughed so hard. At the same time speeding, I

was like a buck thirty. Don't be on your phone while driving, bro, because you never know any given moment where I'm gonna send you. But the thing is to be honest. I do the minute I see blank go up on my phone, I don't know if it's an emergency or not, so I check it first then when I see use the d M, I was like, what is this? And then when I see that, I was like,

let me get my ass home? And made like seven minutes after that, Well, ponytail, baby is exactly and my here grew a little bit, you know, so I make sure I pull it back so there's nothing in the way, because there's nothing worse when you do what you gotta do, and then you feel like the stringer here just messes up the whole flow, y'all, It messes up the whole flow. I'm ready to pull up on you. I'm ready to do what to do? Maybe what you want to do?

Shoot you shot because I'm bulletproof. Loaded up do dude? I don't even know if you're loaded. Do you have to load anymore? Because you don't wrap much in there what you're talking about? I stay loaded, baby. What you want to do, I'm ready to pull up on you. I'm ready to do what it? Oh? Hey, um, how are going in? Lost? My whole train of thought? Lost, my whole train of thoughts. Show me a wild side, boy, because I know my wild side isn't route. She coming back, y'all.

But remember what Tikiya said, Tikia had a discussion with us. Tikia had a discussion with us. So let's go back to the story of time, right, because this is all funny games that Takia had a discussion with us before she left here because she know how we stay. It's He was like, let's have the conversation about your vasectomy, and she's like, Cusine, we're going to have the conversation about when six weeks comes around, what are you going

to be doing to protect yourself from your husband? Protect from you? What are you doing to protect yourself from your husband after six weeks but prior to his vasectomy. So, but let's not damp in the mood talking about balls, balls snipping and whatnot. Um, we can dive into rekindling intimacy after a baby, because I think that is probably something a lot of people are looking forward to. The number one thing. All of my homeboys who just had babies that asking me, like, bro, when when is that

going to happen? When do things go back to normal? Right? Um? And then is there really a state of normal after we have a baby, Like how is intimacy affected? I think it is also an issue or something to talk about because women not feeling like themselves anymore, not looking like themselves anymore, not recognizing their body. Does that affect how intimacy works? The reason why your wild side is back?

Why it's my tricks. I'm gonna let you lean on it since this is last, baby, alright, dive right in. Only then we have to be tricks no more, because you ain't gonna be pregnant coming back no more. So I canna let you know what I did. Chill, baby, Let's let's go to break. Let's come back from break. I'm curious, something like, what's what's going on? I'm a little my homies in on what I did to make her want to pull up on me? Pull up on me? Is it up? Is that why the beard is back up?

All right, let's go to break. Let's go to break it. We'll come back. So we're back. I want to know. Tell me, tell me the secret. What you've been doing. You've been planting on me to stopping planting on me, y'all, I've been planning. I've been planting since the moment you said you was pregnant. I've been planting on you. You were planting on me for the get back. I was pregnant because it's a process thinking this is the this is the problem, this is the problem. A lot of

gentlemen forked. They wait until the moment the six week check up comes to start the process to get intimacy back. You don't start then, you know when you start when first? Trust? Really yes, because it's women are cerebral, right, women are where everything is about how she feels, how she feels about herself, how she feels about us, how she feels about where we are. And what happens is you gotta

put deposits in early on. So you think there is a reason why I've been getting the nine thousand throughout the entire pregnancy. It ain't even had nothing to do with you. You didn't even realize I was doing this to you, and you were just doing it. Listen, you could call me the pregnant baby mama whisper because I know what I'm doing. Now, this is number four. I know what I'm doing, Okay, Number one. Number one, you

have to make sure this woman feels safe. Okay, yes, number one safe because safety allows you to do what open up? Right? If you feel safe? And now what I mean say, if I'm not just talking about protector with armed guards to keep But no, I'm talking about a safe space for her to express how she feels, what she needs, what she wants. And I think, I say, for the last two pregnancies, I've created a space for

you to that you have very comfortable. What I've learned is that if you can express yourself, it opens up a space for intimacy. Right right, So now she's like, oh, I can say how I feel if I doesn't get upset, he understands where I'm coming from, because I truly do. I want to hear where you're coming from, because the only way I can continue to maneuver is if I try to listen to what you're saying. You see what I'm saying that the active listening for me absolutely such

a turn on. Absolutely, I ain't got a lot of Ship's exhausting because when you pregnant should be changing from day to day, our second and second so it's exhausting. But if you want intimacy at that point when you can go back to doing what you do, you have to start from there. Yes, okay, okay, it's number one. Right before we go to number two, I want you to speak on how intimately how you felt intimacy was

during the pregnancy. You know, it's funny for me, it happened in waves because every day was a different feeling, or different obstacle or just different portions of the pregnancy. So in the very beginning of course, being super sick, you don't really want anything to do with anybody sleeping all the time, you're almost being like you almost look at your significant other like you're the reason why I'm in this position right now, and you're walking around here

like completely normal. Nothing ever changes for you. You start to have all sorts of issues of resentment um, but then you quickly remember like you both wanted this, so byre we complaining this is just part of the course, right, And then you have the moments where you do want to be affectionate and intimate. So for me, that's like

second trimester. We can go back to being a little bit of ourselves because I'm past the sickness phase, but I'm not quite big enough where I feel like I don't I'm not attractive or I don't feel like I want to do anything. You felt like you were not attractive leads me to number two. Okay, got you and then there's a third trimester where it's just like, get this baby out of me. I'm big as a house, Like, I don't. This is exit only. This is an exit

only area. Nothing should be entering at any point um, at least in my lady parts. Right. So that was my issue during the entire pregnancy. However, I will say that you did always make me feel desired. Oh you think that was by accident. This very contrived is a very deliberate, deliberate idea of making sure that my woman has what she needs to make it through trust me,

through this pregnancy. It was appreciated because it definitely helped, at least for my psyche, for me emotionally to feel like, okay, well all is not lost, right, and my husband still desires me and only me. See. So what happens is and people tend to make mistakes when they think like, oh this exam So this sounds contrived, right, It's not contrived. I want you to feel desired so that you can continue to desire me. So I have to help you feel desired. I can't sit back and hope that you

feel desired and active about being purposeful. And that's what people, especially men, during pregnancy. Don't realize you have to be even more purposeful during pregnancy than you were during the dating process. You understand, So you know, I say a woman is eating for two. Realistically, during this process, you're being purposeful for two because not only do I have to make you do it for yourself, but you're doing

it growing someone else. Right, So I'm also trying to be purposeful for you and my unborn child because I have to make sure both of you when you come out, feel good. And the more the more appreciated, and the better you feel while going through this process, the more you can reciprocate it, the better the child will come out. Think about how peaceful the code had. Oh my goodness, he's probably definitely Yeah, I can see the connection there you think about it. He came out super cool. He's

been such a chill baby. Very right. Yes, you're absolutely right about that. So that's the second part talking about helping you feel desired. How do I help you feel desired? I remember we did a video in where you were

trying to get dressed up. I was yes, because I felt like I wanted to do my part to make you feel appreciated or make you feel like you weren't forgotten because this was our anniversary around that time, and I was about five months pregnant or six yeah about that, about five months pregnant, and I was like, Okay, this is our vacation, our anniversary. I don't want devoted to feel as if I forgot something that he loves, which is something you love. Is when I put on a

little something drop it likenside right, great. So I was purposeful about making sure that I included along with my bikinis and tan and oil, something that I think you would like and for you, it was the effort that I put in that you appreciate it, but also not only appreciating the moment, but verbally letting you know that

I appreciate at the moment, right, That's important. A lot of times we as couples don't in the moment let our significant another other no verbally how much we appreciate small, small things. You know what I'm saying. And I think that's important for a pregnant woman who is trying, because if you're and this is what I've noticed with people, right, if you see someone trying and you don't give them words of affirmation to keep trying, sometimes they fall off

and they don't do it. So for me, it was to not only make you feel desirable, but to also let you know that I know that I see you trying. This way you can continue to try. That's how you keep intimacy at a height. Just recognition, baby, I recognize it. That don't take much, and it's an honest thing, because what I didn't do during your pregnancy was a lied to you, which will bring me to my next point.

But keep going talking about how you felt after, you know, the third trimester, getting back and stuff like well, yeah, I mean well so that the third trimester, of course, but still knowing that, okay, in that moment, I was not able to, for example, have intercourse. That's something that during the third trimester because I was also nervous about having the baby early and there were a lot of factors. So you didn't and scream about it. But I also

knew that you needed to be taken care of. So there are other ways for me to take care of you, you know, so that I prided myself on being the best goal nine thousand ever, so that way you did not feel a deficit, that you still felt desired, Thank you appreciate it. I might have locked job by now, but you know, hey, it comes to the territory um.

But that's something that I then desired to do because you're right the reciprocity in it, and seeing that he is doing this, therefore I should do that, and he's acknowledging that I'm doing this, so it makes me want

to do more of that. I feel like that's something we didn't even have pre pregnancy, because we had had some moments in our relationship that we've spoken about where you felt underappreciated, you didn't feel desired, or I felt like, you know, I was doing the most that I could do, but really, I honestly wasn't doing the most that I

could to make you feel desired. So it's almost funny that in pregnancy it was so heightened for us that I it was on the forefront of my mind to make sure that you were taken care of because you took care of me so much. And that brings me to the next point, being honest. Yeah, you have to be honest and not not honest to the point where

you're being an asshole. But when there were moments, even small moments that weren't even big moments yet that I felt like, hey, I feel like you're forgetting about me and we're not even talking about sex or intercourse. Remember when I used to be downstairs in the theater going through my scripts and doing all this other stuff and preparing the film, and I'd be like, hey, baby, you know you haven't even come down and checked on me

in a couple of days. That heightens intimacy because it lets you know that I'm looking for you and I'm thinking about you, even when it has nothing to do with sex. And that brought us a lot closer, because then what did you start to do? Just come downstairs, come downstairs here? Just come downstairs and come downstairs leads to what leads to you hugging on me and me hugging on you when you falling asleep, but you're feeling

like I'm there, and I'm feeling like you're there. And even on days where there were no intercourse and there was no God nine thousand, we just enjoyed each other's presence. And when you can truthfully enjoy the person that you're next to, intimacy remains high. Because I could just hold your hand, I can just rub your legs. You know what I'm saying. You can lay on me and fall asleep, and our heartbeats can be in rhythm, and we can fall asleep together and wake up and feel good because

we're spending time together. These are like deliberate things that men can do while dealing with a pregnant woman. That sometimes can be difficult, and I'm gonna explain why it can be difficult. There were times where you didn't want to leave the room just because I was tired, or that was my comfort space was my bedroom, our bedroom. Your your comfort space was our bedroom, But that's not my comfort space to get work done because if I

go in there, I'm going to fall asleep. So there were times where we spent hours on different ends of the house and I had to learn this is a big thing for me, that there was a time in the space for you to just be by yourself. You know what I'm saying. Yes, I want intimacy all the time because my love language is physical touch. But I also had to realize that a pregnant and sometimes just wants to be left alone. And I realized too, the times where I left you alone, even in the house,

you missed me. I would be downstairs and I would get a text and hey, where are you? Oh? Yeah, at FaceTime you're like, what are you doing? See, you're in the theater. And that's important. Giving you time to miss me. It's very, very important even when you're not pregnant, but more important when you are pregnant, because then that gives you time to reminisce on the good times. And then that also brings intimacy to a heightened level because

when you miss people, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Right, even in the same house. Yea, even in the same house, because you're right, de Val is very much into physical touch and he wants me to be near him, which I appreciate. After twenty years, my husband still wants me to be around him and to be near And that's something that I sometimes say, for granted, because I'm like, okay, you know, I'm okay being in the room by myself in this moment. Or he's all right down stare studying.

If you're studying, let me let him concentrate. And recently you said to me, like, yo, I just like I just want you to check on me, just check for me. Um. He's like the only one that checks for him, and that was his cairo. He's the only one in this house that ever checks. Well. I want to say check. Other people check on me when they want something like

like with Jackson's daddy, are're taking me to practice? Or my mom is like devour, you're gonna assemble whatever in the box, or your father wants to go to home deep right, kats want me to put together a toy right right right? Or you want me to buy something now, I don't ask you to buy the more, I just go buy it, so I don't be coming to you for that. Feel like I'm just putting you on notice

that I purchased something. But um, but yeah, after twenty years, I have to appreciate and love the fact that you still be checking for me and you want me to

check for you. So I learned that as well to in pregnancy, it's almost like we were put under like a Like they say pregnancy puts the body under a mini stress test, I feel like it puts the relationship under a mini stress test and a sense so you can see where the red flags are, or see the potential for things to go wrong in the future, or see the room for improvement or see the room for effort um And I think that's actually pretty dope because

it worked for us in the circumstance. It definitely works. And I think that it's important for meant to know that it is your responsibility to control intimacy during pregnancy, because there's things in your child's mother's body that she can't control, like hormones and things of that nature. So putting the onus on her to let you know when she wants to be intimate is to me as a cop out. You know what I'm saying. I think it's

your job. You don't have anything else to do during the pregnancy other than work and do everything, you know, do everything outside of her body. But there's things she can't control, and if being with her and having parts of her body is something that you want, you have to control that aspect. So for me, a big thing I did was make sure that you not only felt good during the entire pregnancy, but I ate on you

about looking good for you know what I'm saying. We talked about working out and all that stuff, and that's how stuff. We talked about that in a lot of podcasts. But I'm talking about making sure you continue to get dressed up and go out, because I think a lot of pregnant women fall into a rut where they don't feel comfortable in closed because the clothes don't fit, so

they just stay inside. And then once they stay inside, they don't put on makeup, and if they don't put on makeup, they don't get their hair done, and then they start to look at themselves in the mirror and they feel down. It's hard for someone to get intimate if they don't feel they look good. So what I used to do, and I never told you this, I would I would say to myself, at some point during the week, I'm going to find a reason for us to go somewhere. You know what I'm saying. We're just

we're just gonna go somewhere. And remember we used to we used to go think about when we went to I don't want to sound our neighbor stuff like that, but we went to their birthday party, went to this person's event, we went to that person event. And used to be like, Babe, I don't feel like and I'm like, no, get dressed up, we're gonna go shopping close Because it's important for you to know that you you're always gonna look good, even through pregnancy. You know, your pregnancy doesn't

stop you from looking good. Do you make up? Do you here? Put these clothes? Are we going out? And what I noticed in doing that is when you saw yourself looking good, you then wanted to be intimate me because you saw yourself looking good. That's true. A lot of it is a lot of having to how we scrutinize ourselves. So a lot of it has nothing to do with your spouse, so you know what I mean, It's way more about how we feel about ourselves and

how we feel like we're presenting to you. Thank you, because because a lot of women deal with the fact that I don't even look good. I don't even know if he's gonna want to, you know what I'm saying, Which even after after having the baby, a lot of women to are self conscious about how they look. You know, your breasts are stagging, they're leaking, um, the skins a little loose in the midsection, your booty is a little roopy because you haven't been doing squads, which is my

case right now. But there's so many things that you tend to just pick apart because then and then it makes the intimacy experience that much less yourself conscious for it, for you and for your spouse, for your significant Whose job should it be to make sure that a woman looks good and feels good about herself? Right now? Of course your significant other should be a blifting because I'm the one that wants that. I want that part of you.

So I think it's just an imperative that I be purposeful about making sure that when you wake up in the morning that you like one bad bitch. You know what I'm saying, right, like think regardless of what phase I'm in. So check this out. And you probably don't even notice this, and you get up to go to the bathroom, what do you hear from me? Baby? Okay, I do, okay, because I'll be concerned, But don't I cat call you? Even when I was battling out the bed and the baby was on my bladder, Yes you do?

Or it was cute because in a way who it wasn't necessarily intimacy moment, but devout towards the very end would feel me trying to get out of the bed, and every single stime you're such a light sleeper two and I would get up to p about fifty eleven times a night, and every single time, Devot would literally just like reach over and just push me out the bed.

And that's the best illustration I could give y'all is a turtle on their back, like on the shell, and they're like, ah, I can't, like I can't move, and the Devot would just reach over with one hand and just flip me out of the bed and then proceeds to cat call me as I waddle to the bathroom. So that is cute. Now, I'm starting to think a little little little isms that you had throughout my pregnancy that I maybe didn't pick up on at the time,

but I was purposeful and deliberate. I love that you did that, though, because I think that was one of the biggest differences with this pregnancy the other ones, and you were you were like we we didn't have this. I think maybe the first pregnancy, we didn't have any like sex deprivation moments, right, I can tell because that wasn't a fairly good mood aside from being like tired in his I mean, just because your schedule is crazy and stuff, but you were in a pretty decent mood

this pregnancy. Check yourself out in the mirror all the time. At any moment I noticed that you would kind of look at yourself like I tried to make sure that you focused on something positive so you could leave that moment and be like, you're good, And then making sure that at least every week or every other week that we went to when you got dressed up. Those nights when you got dressed up and was feeling yourself, you definitely took care of me because you was feeling yourself.

And when you were feeling yourself, that's when you were just like, I'm gonna go. Yeah, it was me feeling me, but you're feeling me too, and you see what I'm saying. But think about the opposite that that has happened. Right, There's been times in our marriage and during pregnancy where I didn't know how to deal with those moments. I didn't know what to say or what to do. And when you used to send fee going nowhere, I'd be like, all right, you're not going nowhere because you're telling me

you don't you don't want to go. So I started to realize and I wur marriage that you can't just always just listen to what your spouse is saying, you have to know what they need. So it's like, what she's saying, I know what she needs, so I'm going to ignore everything she's saying and just give her what she needs to make herself feel better life. For my birthday this year, yes, so that I was like, we're doing something for your birthday. I'm like, no, we're not.

I want nothing more than for my birthday to be in bed with you and the boys all weekend. I was like, no, nope, nope, nope, go get something to where we're going out. You went, you went shopping, and then then I'm getting all these texts and videos of you and all of these sexy outfits and shoes, and you're feeling yourself. That's how you increase intimacy because I know, once you saw yourself like that, then you realize, like, yeah,

that's to me that I remember. You know, as opposed to sitting Could you imagine waking up on your birthday and no one's done anything for you because you told people that you don't want nothing done from you. You feel like ship. You feel like ship. And the biggest thing about intimacy is knowing your partner and not just

knowing your partners sexually but actually knowing your partner. I know you love birthdays, and in the in the moment when you when I asked you about having something, you might legitimately have felt like you didn't want to do anything for your birthday. But then your birthday came, and I knew that if you woke up and you ain't have nothing planning for your birthday or nothing happened, you would be pissed, and then intimacy would be here sure, and then I'd be like, hey, you know, been a

couple of days and you know that. Man, my birthday came and they did my birthday. Now niggers want me to do the God, that's what you would have said. And it would have been like you, well, do nothing for your birthday. And you'd have been like that because I said that, don't mean that That's what I want to shade. Shade, all right. I'm just trying to I'm just trying to let dudes know, like, this is this is how you do it. Like you pay attention. You'll

be deliberate, you'd be purposeful, and you be smart. You gotta be two steps ahead of them. Because as much as they say men are shallow. Men are simple. No, women are too. That don't require much. You want to be taken care of, you want to be safe, you want to be admired. You want to be adored, you want to be appreciated, you wanna be loved. You want to consistent. I think the same people said for men

to that's what you want, right. That goes without saying, but what I'm saying, it's like the problem is people don't do it consistently enough to reap the benefits of it existing. Exactly. Somebody will do it for a week expecting something in return, not realize if you do it instantly over time, you don't have to worry about getting things in return, because if you do it over time, that person will reciprocate it amount if you choose the

right person. That's a fact. If you choose someone that's just a taker, they're gonna take that wrong with it. That's not what we're dealing with. That's why you and I always talk about being of service to each other, and I feel like with rekindling intimacy, there shouldn't be anything to rekindle if you continue to be intimate through the entire pregnancy. The twist the plot twist. We shouldn't

be rekindling intimacy, we should be continuing intimacy. You better change the title of the show triple Did you hear that? Change the title of the show. So tips for reconnecting after having a baby. We're trying to stay connected. I think we gave the stay connected. That's that's a fact for mad heroes all over the places, everywhere, Rose Rose. But if you were, by chance one of those goals that needed to reconnect after a babe, here's a couple

tips that we have here lined up. Um, don't become complacent. Work on it every day. You just talked about being consistent. Who made this list? You made? Unless you treat your relationship, your marriage like it's a living thing which requires nurturing on a regular basis, you won't have a marriage after the kids leave. After the kids leave, you should write a book because that's what this Marriage and family therapist Michelle Weir Davis said, Um, number two, slow down and

start over. The truth is things have changed. It's important to remember intimacy isn't just hot sex, it's steadfast loyalty said It a commitment to getting through stressful times together and most importantly, joy enjoying the warm, cozy moments of home together, i e. Hanging with the valid with theater. Are you a marriage and family therapist, Loki, No, I'm not. I've just been married along after time, and I've done it wrong along ast time. The best Petrie dish for you, right,

You're welcome, You're welcome, You're welcome, my favorite dishes. Looking very kind of dried apricot right now. But I'm gonna get back. I'm gonna get back to plump peach status. Okay again, give me grace, your peach always look good. Number four, Create intentional space in your mind and in

your bedroom. To create a space in your mind where your identity is as essensual, erotic being right at the forefront, and if it's possible to do so, create a physical space that's just for you and your partner as well, which I think we have our bedroom, we have the theater, which I think is where Dakota was made. But the thing is, I think that that may work for some people, not everybody, because you and I like the spontaneity we have. We have a lot of our best sexual experiences when

we're on vacation because it's different, it's new. You know, the excitement of doing something physical together often leads us to great self. So absolutely, fin me out, baby, find me out after the new year, fly me out. Yeah, I got you. I'm gonna go leave and travel this way. I can flyer out there so we can go crazy. But I think, I think that creating a space in the home can get monotonous and repetitive, you know what I'm saying, Like, that's that's just for me. So some

things work for some people, some things don't. However, we did say that, and within our home, we have our spaces where we're comfortable. So if I invite you into my comfortable space for a little community, and then you invite me into your comfortable space, adling, you know what time it is exactly there you go, um oh wait, number five, don't bank on spontaneity. So, according to them, they're saying not to bank on spontaneity. Think about this. Does it hurt more to carve out time for intimacy

or to not have time for it? I guess it depends on the person's schedule. Some people have to be mindful of it, which is how I felt like I used to interact with you sometimes and at some point in our marriage where I would have to kind of carve out in my mind like, oh, shoot, has been two days. I can and let this day pass without making sure we gets done at some point today almost putting it on my mental calendar, and it did. It didn't necessarily work for me because then became a job. Um.

So we've realized that spontaneity does work better for us. Um. But we just have to be mindful of being connected, because if we're connected, then it won't feel like the spontaneity is very sporadic. We don't want sporadic sponsanity either. We want consistent spontaneity all right. And lastly, practicing gratitude. A little appreciation goes a long way. Remember that even when things are hard, to let your partner know that you see and you appreciate them, and that all things

work to maintain a healthy family. So yeah, Sobs always let me know how appreciative he is of me and and everything he does or everything I do. And then I feel the same about you in terms of everything you do to create this space, especially now where we are in our life, um. And not taking for granted the struggles and the process that we went through to get here. I think that's what makes it much better for us now to experience. So absolutely practicing gratitude is

a big one. I got one thing I want to say before we go to break right. I was talking to one of my single buddies. I'm not going out him because we have our private conversations, but he was talking to me about how much he goes through being single to try to have sex consistently juggling, juggling women, trying to trying to catch and hold on the women, trying to catch them at the right time so we

can get this one and get that one. And he's talking about, Bro, it's a lot a lot of work, right, But then he mentioned something to me and just like, man, when you get married, like you shouldn't have to work that hard to have sex. And I said, bro, let's let's let's think about this one minute. Think about all the work you put in to have sex single. Why would you why would you not want to put in

work to have sex when you're married. Why is it automatically assumed that just because you're married, I don't gotta put in no work to have sex it's just automatic. When you single, you're willing to spend money, spend time, chase chicks, play phone games, all of these things. It's like that doesn't change when you get married. The only thing that changes is that you're putting the same amount

of energy into one person. That's pretty much guaranteeing results because you know if you put this work into this person, it's going to be reciprocate. Because that I said, how many times if you put an energy into a chick and not got what you wanted out of it? It happens a lot. That's why I'll be balancing and bouncing from chick to chicken. I was like, think about it. And I asked my separ that don't get tired, and

he was just like, yeah, do get tired. But he said, I don't wanta have to do that with my wife. I just want to be able to get it when I get it. And I said, that's the problem. Women get used to you playing all these games to get it when you single, and then when you get married you're not you're not trying to play those same games, or you're not trying to put that energy and attention into it. Chick gets corneum or not in this for them too. So my thing is I love the chase.

I loved I've always loved the chase. So my thing is I look at my wife as the chase. Right. Let me see what games and things I can do now to keep her on top of her game sexually. And you're like a Rubics cube when the minute you think you've got to figure it out and you turn that that box and all ship there's another different colors

or something changed. Because women are constantly evolving the same way, but all people are constantly evolving, So you can't get into a routine and expected to always be the same like this. You should be always trying to figure about your wife when it comes and whatnot to keep it spicy. That I'm a whole lass Ruber cube, That's what I am. That you are complicated as simple, But you know what you are a fucking genius. You know the val can solid Rubi's cube, y'all can't you can't. Yeah, we'll do

it for you all one day. Not to put the pressure on you. I have not done it in a while. That's all right, though your mind is still sharp. Hope, if not twist me around me out of shape. You see, it was saying, God, she ready almost, I'm ready. Start first, let's start leaking again. Huh, you gotta take a break again. We gotta take a break. I gotta change my breast pads. All right, we're gonna take a break, so okay, can change him breast bad. I should find a baby. Where's Dakota?

Come on, bro, I know he's looking for him. A little bit. We'll be back after we pay some bills. All right, we're back, We're back. Um, Yeah, let's do it. Let's dive into these listener letters for this week. UM. Shout out to y'all for constantly writing into us. We love it. Um. Triple gets a kick out of reading your stories and picking them. So hey, guys, love y'all, we love you back. Me and my fiancee just had a baby in May. He will be seven months next month.

How am I? Yes, congrats to that? Um? How am I able to get my sexy bag? If my spouse is hygiene is not up to standards anymore and he wants head, et cetera. But it's not properly clean and smells like sweat, How do I have this conversation how dare you, bro? Like, come on, man, that's the least you can do, is man, escape, wash up, get rid of the potential schmegma that might be existing in that space.

Like the truth, Come on, the truth. We we as men gotta ourselves accountable, right, We're gonna hold ourselves accountable, right, all right? You a lot of men. I want to check that got a small waist, bad ass here on point lashes and ship. Nigga's gotta take care of himself, bro, We and our and our group, and I would like

men's group, we be clowning our boys. We'll be getting out of shape and not taking care of themselves because it's irresponsible, and it's unfair for you to expect your wife or your girl to continue to look at you like you did when y'all we was together, when you was in your prime chasing hose. But now you got a girl and you're looking like saying them. Even Mrs

Claus was like, yo, st go watch your balls. Don't don't go out and be delivering gifts all night and then you won't come back on the trying to get It's cold outside, but you're still sweaty, like Miss Claus was like, yo, go watch you as but no, gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, bro, we have to do a better job as well of taking care of ourselves to make sure that we're constantly desirable to our partner. And there's nothing more undesirable than like sweaty balls or you woudn't even kind of try

to play yourself the other day. Was just like, He's like, I didn't really sweat. I was like, bro, you got on under armour, like under armour in itself got you joint all tucked up in there for an extended period of time. So listen, let me tell you what. You didn't smell bad. But I was like, you could have used a quick little like one two in the shower, She asked. She asked, how to I start this conversation.

I'm gonna tell you the conversation. So I was supposed to be working out, right, I'm going Outstaios to workout, and while I'm gonna work out, the kids come and talk to me. So they want to do this, they do that, blah blah blah. I say, you know what, I'm not gonna do. No car I'm just gonna lift weights. I'm not a sweater. So while I'm lifting weights, I get done, I come upstairs, eat some dinner, and me and Kate talking. We watching some videos and she just

like baby something me trying to, you know, knock you off. Friend. I'm like bet so, I'm just like, let's go. She like, you usually got work out of clothes on. Ye like yeah, but I ain't sweat. So then she was just like, play yourself, son, go get the show and come out. So I was like, like that, you're making seem like making seem like I was playing full go up basketball right. So then I'm like, fucking I want this. So I'm

I ran, I get the shower. She come up behind me and she looked at me right then she just put her hand out right and she like jugging my balls, and she's just like, you're not bad, but I got to be down there with my You could use a little one to a little one too. If that's your husband, bro had the conversation with him, Yeah, like YO, tell him like that. You're supposed to be best friend's life partners.

If you can't be honest, If you cannot be honest with the dude that you're about to put his genitors in your mouth. Then now you're really that close. You know what I'm saying. You know how many times I don't jam my freaking aren't pit under this? Nick knows to be like, hey, if you say yeah all the time, just in case, because you just never know. And she like we checked when it comes to hygiene and just

being healthy. We check each other. When Kaudine used to feel like, I don't know, something may be going on on they can you check down there? All right? Boom, what's up? Let's sen you need something? I don't know, you might need to go and see the doctor, goes, I don't know. You know what I'm saying, That's just

what it down here, you know what I'm saying. Like, we do that for each other because that's mine and hers, and you have to be able to have these conversations with each other, especially when it comes to that area because because it's yours is mine and what's mine is ours at that point. So we got to make sure whatever I got, you got in vice versa. And if you're hygiene on point, you can give you your wife an infection. Yes, talk about that, us talk about that.

Because we had this conversation with about circumcision, and some people know there's a big anti circumcision thing, but speaking to a lot of women and speaking if you're not shaving down there because your hair holds fungus, sweat and bacteria, bacteria, you would have sex with a woman and then she can she's open down there all the time. Like we have to just start thinking about right, and then you want to tell somebody that this ladies thinks or whatever,

that's what you must have gave us the baby. And sometimes it's and sometimes it's not even like std But if you're not sanitary and you're constantly shoving your stuff inside of a woman, she's gonna have issues. Bro. That's the fact. There was a whole threat on Instagram. Did you see that? One time? I was going around about what how men should be grooming down there to in order to be seen it. And I've seen dudes, I've seen something talking about something. I'm a man, I don't

shave that. Like, bro, it's not it's not metros to metro sexual or gay. To take care of your genitals, brot like like like this whole idea that you less of a man or you don't like women if you take care of your genitals is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life. Bro. And I'm I am a man. I love women, but I shave. I keep my joint low consistently to make sure that my wife don't have no issues because I like to have sex, you know what I'm saying, Like, that's just what it is.

And the thing is, we don't even have these to be honest, we don't really have these conversations. Like my pops never talked to me about grooming. It just was nothing that and I don't know, I never asked him if heat grooms. You know, it's just you. You learn things that you get older. But these are conversations we need to have in our community. So what's not considered taboo, you know what I'm saying. And and also we can protect our women in their reproductive organs one less trip

to the or urgent care. And these are things that you learned. These are these things you learned. For example, I learned um even how I shave, because for example, remember I used to shave with the trimmer, which used to make my hair super course and shoot up. We would have sex, then you would chafe and then then chafing. It would cause an irritation which could was leaving leading

to bacterial infections. And I was like, oh, sh it's it's the way I'm shaving that's an issue, or the length that I'm shaving is causing an issue for my girlfriend. And I was nineteen, you know, I didn't I didn't know better, but I was using the wrong products even shaving and using different creams down there afterwards and would have sex and realizing the dingy those creams I use in there after shave and then go to have sex, go inside of my wife for my girlfriend, and now

she has a problem. So it's okay to have those conversations, especially if you're going to be that close. Yes, please just just say it's just say it, because I I feel, you know, my be down smelly crotch. And it's the same thing. Gentlemen, if you if your wife ain't keeping her hygiene up, say baby, you see something, say something, see something, spell something, say something. Okay, all right, let me say first, I love y'all. We love Thank you

for always being so transparent with your listeners. Okay, so my husband and I have been married for almost ten years. I try to be my husband's biggest support system, best friend and justice. Everything. Recently have not been in the mood. We have three kids, all under the age of seven. We both work full time and I cook every day. I can't tell you the last time we had date night. We don't have We don't have family that we can depend on to help us with our kids. I recently

tried your idea for the closet. We have an area in our basement, so but we have an ana basement. So I went downstairs and sent him a text message. I waited so long that I fell asleep. I woke up and went to bed. I was so upset that I ended up laughing at myself for even trying. We used to be so much fun, but we are now an old married couple. I don't want to be. Please give me some advice, But you didn't check the text message.

I want to know. I want to know from him, like maybe he fell asleep right, maybe because they're that old married couple that just falls asleep now, or maybe he only gets text from her when she wants something so we ignored it. Come to the basement. He was like, she donna have me assemble something she don't have me taking out trash. You should have sent a picture with the text message is that's when you gotta get dressed up. You gotta get cute, you gotta take the little back

and go from downloads. We was all popping, and that's when you sent him the message to come downstairs. He'd be prepared and he would make haste and come down, make a sound come to now. Um, this goes back to what we said earlier. She tried one time and now she's over it. Right, That's not how it consistency, baby. Intimacy is about consistency. It's not something you do one time. Because that one we went through that too, where it was like Kadina tried to be sexual and I was

not expecting it at all. What is this? And she was like I was trying something new. You know. You don't even respond the way over the course of our entire podcast seasons, the different voices that Devour has for me, Okay, I'll be sounding like a wounded goat. I'd be sounded like I don't know what this was, just okay. That's how you'd be sounded like I just trying some time. And when I try to do this for you, then you didn't response. I'm like, why should I even do

that anymore? But you're right though, because sometimes you feel like your efforts, if your efforts falling on deaf ears or on olymptic then you're like what what the what was the whole point of what I'm saying? Yeah, and you know, it's like it shot to your ego, so I can under saying how she may feel in that moment, like damn, Like I was trying something and here we are. But at least she's trying though, which is a good thing. But she tried. She's not trying to continue to try

that wing. But you know, and it takes time for you to break that, like that that mental uh cover that you have on yourself because when you was trying different things, I was blocking it because in my mind I was like, she's not gonna keep this up, so I'm not even gonna actively get used to this or get excited get excited. And then my thing was in that moment, why are you even like thinking about that?

Like can't you just enjoy the moment in the moment that it is, like here is the present, be present in this moment and stop thinking about what happened before or what's going to happen in the future, and it exists in that moment. Because it's easier said than done. It's easy to say, just receive this in this moment

and don't think about it. A lot of times you can't control with your mind goes like I don't expect you to put on a leotard and he a leotard and heels when I asked you to put on a nurse's outfit in a wig, and my mind to be like, what she didn't put on what I asked. I expect to be excited, but then when I don't see what I asked. You know what I'm saying that is that the time you talked about a dusty the at time because I had the nervous to call my guitar my

little body suit dusty, it was not dusty. It was cute. We were in the funk. I had asked for something in particular, when you asked me exactly what I wanted. I told you exactly what I wanted. You gave me what you wanted, and a day, though it was cute and a normal day, I'd be fine. But when you asked me what I want, and I'm expecting you're specific. Then my mind is going to like what is this? And then you just trying to get me going and you're like, Okay, what's going on? Just like he was

supposed to be a nurse baby. Keep trying, keep keep keep it going, girl, Yeah, keep going, and then you know creative ways to get date night like we've done date night in the car if we couldn't get away from the kids in the garage, like little things like that. Yeah, I think the consistency part is what um you're gonna have to work through. So, but she has the interest, I should say now that she was interested. So she doesn't want to be like we've said that so many times.

We're like, we don't want to be our old married couple. We don't want to be our parents who don't want to be other couples that we've seen. What is the worst sex that I like, that that I hate? What is the word? Like rolling over in bed and just being like, oh yo, there was a point in Monday and the bed shoulder, shoulder, and then she would just roll over and be like I'll be like, you don't touch my dick. Don't touch my dick. And she's like, what do you mean because it would be that time

when I know I was like dead tired. But I'm like, damn, it's gonna going on day two, day three. I don't do something now, So I like throw my hand over there and throw it back right back. I was just like I'm good on all that. Don't nobody want to know? Damn, Brandy sex. If you'd like to be featured as one of our listening letters, y'all keep emailing us at as sid advice at gmail dot com. Yes, that's d E A D A S S A d V I C at gmail dot com. All right, moment of truth time, Um,

my moment of truth? Man is I just hope every relationship learns how to have not dead as but live because that as be live right now and understand that intimacy needs consistency. You don't. You don't, just I want to get intimacy back. If you get to the point where it's like how do I get INTIVC back? That means that you were consistent at letting intimacy go, which is messed up. You see what I'm saying, So get it back and keep the intimacy going through everything. Highs

and lows, up and down changes in life. Just continue to be intimate your whole relationship, and you'll never have to worry about getting it back. Be deliberate about it. That's so good. I feel like that was everything he said. I I was gonna say consistency too, but also, um, I think we should be recognizing when your partner is putting in effort to know that, Okay, he's putting in some effort, so that's going to jump start something in

me to then reciprocate that effort. I think that's probably the sexiest thing about thinking about intimacy and the continuation of it, or if in your case, having to rekindle it is knowing that it's kind of like a ping

pong match, you know. Um. And if I look at it that way, now that you've pretty much broken down to me your strategy while I was pregnant, I feel like it's something that will be worth taking on through the rest of our marriage, since we've had moments in the past where we've had our dry patches and we've had our obstacles with it. If we look at it to continue to just be a bouncing back and forth thing,

I think it'll work for us well post pregnancy. Also, I'm glad you said the bouncing back and forth thing because I did also realize and listening to you talk just now, also recognizing who has the higher sex drive in the relationship and realizing that if you're a person with the higher sex drive, it's okay to put in more effort in that part of your marriage because that's what you require, as opposed to saying, well, my partner needs to meet me and do exactly what I need

or figure it out right, that's that's just not fair because, like I told my homeboy, if I were single, I would be putting a ton of energy and again some asks. So if I'm putting all that energy, I should put the same energy into getting there from my wife or making it feel special enough that we can share it. As opposed to saying, well, now we're married, so you need to make sure that I'm getting it as much as I need it. That's selfish and that's not being

of service to your partner. So if you recognize that you have and sometimes it's not a husband. We've listened. We've had women say my sex drive is high, and what's up if your sex drive is higher than your husband. That energy you would put in again, some dick if you was a single woman, put that energy and they getting your husband to be into you as opposed to saying, well, he needs to take care of it. It's not fair, right, absolutely, all right, y'all. I hope I'll enjoyed this episode. I

think it was pretty, pretty cool, pretty fun. Um I did too, And be sure to find us y'all on social media dead Ass the podcast. You can find me at Cadeen I Am and I Am Devout, and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe that part. Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Noorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing