Babe. I've never said this to you before, but I'm gonna say it now. Yeah, I regret having a vasectomy.
You do not? Are you serious?
Dead ass?
You trying to reverse thatsh.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm devoued and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We about to take philosof to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
I don't gotta go far back for this one because the prosected me is only but that was five months old. But we were in we were in Canada, I was filming and all the boys were there in the room with me, and I watched them just be all around you because it was just there's a new environment. They wanted mom for everything. I knew you was exhausted. So the Coda in particular, was just constantly wrapping hisself around your legs and anytime you went to move, he would
start crying. So I was like, enough is enough. So for the next hour, I went through this process of taking the Coda away from Kadeen and putting him on the bed in the room, and he was crying and I would not get him off the bed until he stopped crying, and Kadeen was kind of like, what are you doing? I was like, this is the process. Now. I don't want to say kids are like pets, but
remember I trained our dogs. I trained out puppies, and I learned that puppies learn, they learned behavior, but ultimately they teach you how to treat them right. So if you constantly have poor behavior with a puppy, pretty much they're teaching you that their poor behavior is going to be accepted, and then their poor behavior becomes your reality.
This parallels with pets and kids.
So with Dakoda, I was like, I am going to tell him now that this will not be tolerated. So every time he started screaming, I put him on the bed, left them alone. When he got quiet, we all went in there and me and the boys we started cheering. When he got quiet, then we would take him off the bed. If he immediately got off the bed and ran over to you and started crying, we put him back into the bed. So after about an hour, Da Coda picked it up. Yeah, he was quiet in the room,
and we came in there and got him. And when we came in there and got him, he didn't cry. He looked at Kadeen. Then he kind of looked at me for approval, and I was like, you want to go to mommy. Then he kind of walked over to Kadeen and he sat next to her and he was quiet, and then all of the kids started cheering like yeay, and I see cold his face kind of light up
like he figured something out. And in that moment, it hit me that that is the last Ellis's son, like the last baby, the last baby, and I immediately felt the way about that.
Oh babe, I didn't know that this song.
Is dedicated to me.
It is dedicated to my nuts.
The saddest thing my life is when she left me, I was feeling the pain, the pain, the pain, the sast my line.
So the reason why I say that song is because I really got sad and it shocked me.
But you were said in that moment, you were sad when you're.
No, That's why I want to talk about it, because when I first got it done, I wasn't sad, I know. So I want to talk about the reasons why I got sad and what I was able to kind of figure out on my own. Okay, so we'll talk about I know you seem surprised because we never talked about this, and I just feel.
Like I'm over here like it'd be a good time to talk about conversation.
So I guess there's no running show here because we're just.
I know, trouble. Got some facts and stats. We'll get into that.
Well, when you said you had this episode under control, I guess you did.
Yeah, all right, all right, so we'll talk about that then we'll be back.
All right, we're back, so let me break down story time. Right, So I got sad, and at first I didn't know why I was sad. Right, at first, I was like, man, I'm just sad because I missed my family. I haven't seen you guys. Y'all cameres for my birthday, y'all leaving again. I'm not going to see y'all for another three weeks.
So I'm just sad because of that. So now I'm in the room and I'm just you know, dire about myself after you guys leave, and I'm just thinking, and I'm thinking, and I'm just like, wow, like that was the last, like my last baby, And I'm just like, why am I thinking about babies? Like I don't I don't have baby fever, like there was no babies around, but I'm thinking about babies. And I just was constantly
thinking about the coda, thinking about the coda. And then this is the funny part, right, the NBA Playoffs was getting into swing, and I think Josh Hart's wife was pregnant and she just recently had twins, but at the time she was like at the end of her pregnancy, and he had spoken about what it would feel like to like miss his children's birth if he was like having a you know, he's had a playoff game, if there was a way out of town and stuff like that,
and the more he started to talk about like fatherhood and creating life, really like resonated with me with the fact that I can no longer say I can create life like men don't talk about this, but it really is a thing, because I spoke to a couple other dads about it, and.
These the dads who have had vasectomies, or just men in general. Because what's interesting about what you said for me is that it never occurred to me or crossed my mind, vasectomy or not, that men knew for sure when they were done. I thought that men, if anything, can just have consolation the fact that they will always be able to have children well into their eighties if they wanted to. But with women, they're always pose the question, right,
how do you know that you're done? Or I was told I would know from other women, you'll know when you're done. I have an aunt who has one child and said, I knew after this one child, I was done. And then you have some women who are just like, I'm not done, and I have four children, and I know that I still want more.
That's really really interesting.
Let me tell you something. After speaking to these men, yo, we always say because women carry children, it's up to all and I said this too, it's up to my wife and whether or not we're going to have more children because she carries children, right, And I actually just through that aside, is that's the way it's supposed to be, right,
not really saying is that fair? Think about what I'm saying, Like, I never even thought to myself how I would feel about it, because in my mind I had already was already conditioned to say, whenever my wife decides she's done with having kids, we're done, right, And I felt like, well, once the doctor said that it wouldn't be in your best interest to having any more children because of the postpart and preclamshit, I was like, cool, the doctor made
that decision for me, because if my wife can't have kids, we not having no more kids. I'm cool. I don't want the blah blah blah blah blah. I'm already conditioned to say boom, and then I can't. I have this resected me and now I'm thinking about it, I'm just like, am I done having kids? You know what I'm saying? Like if I wasn't done having kids, the fact that I can't have kids really made me sad, and I spoke to other dads about it, and they all said
the same thing. They was like, well, you know, I never really thought about if I would want more kids, So.
That wasn't the mindset for men. So that was going to be my question. Is it that men make the decision strictly based off of their wife or their spouse's desire or not or ability to have more children, or is it really just a thing where men know when they're done having children.
Well, so I had I had this four dads who all have resected me, so I'm the fifth, okay, And I asked them. I was just like, how did y'all decide? Most of them except for one. Most of them said my wife said she didn't want no more kids. I was like cool. They were like you gotta get a vasectomy. And they were like whatever, like you don't want no more kids? I paid for these kids, like you know, the they it was a mutual understand like whatever, you know what I'm saying. The one father said he made
the decision because he was done having kids. He was his wife wanted more kids, and he was just like, I'm not having and they already have a lot of kids. So he was just like, I'm not. He was like he didn't feel like he could pour into any more kids, and he felt like he wanted to be responsible and not have an OOPS baby because he said they already had two Oops babies. And he was just like he was thinking this. So he was done and he said, I'm done. Like I'm not. Said if it was up
to my wife, we'd have more kids. But he was just like, it just wouldn't be fair to the kids, right, you know what I'm saying, It wouldn't be fair to us, like you know, I want my wife to So he made a decision, so he said he was done. But those other dads, I asked him, I said, you know, have you ever had moments where you feel like Two of them said they felt like they were less of a man because they couldn't, like create life.
It's just a matter of being able to yes.
And I never thought about that, And then it made me feel some kind of It made me feel like me, is that what I'm feeling because I don't want any more children. I feel like we have four beautiful boys that are all healthy. You're healthy. I don't want kids, but there is something about that feeling like, dang, if I wanted to have another child, I can't, Like, I don't know what it is about that that's making me like feel like like I'm like mad, Like you know what I'm saying.
Well, I think that's usually a lot of men's argument when they are debating about me or not or shying away from it, because I have a ton of women who I've spoken to who are like, can you please tell my husband, like, I'll meet some of y'all at the live shows. Yeah, and I'll the meet and greets and you'll.
Whisper to me.
I'm trying to get my husband to get a proseect to me now that Devou got one because he listened to everything Devour says, you know, And I think that's the biggest overarching concern for most men when you hear about the PROSEECTI me debate is being less of a man. So is it that men really wrap their manliness and their manhood in the ability to procreate.
I'm gonna be honest, I don't know what is wrapped in. That's why I want to talk to you about it, because it's.
Just rapped in feelings and you can have that yeah.
Like, I feel like we don't ever discuss this, and that's why I wanted to talk about it. No one ever asks a guy, how do you know when you're done having kids or when you're done wanting to have children? Like do We don't ever ask men that, and we often dismiss it as we don't have an opinion. The same way when you get into the court systems, everything's about the mom and the child, and as dismiss the father of having any involvement other than this financial responsibility.
Like in the court system, it's all about his fiscal responsibility. All the rights go to the mom, all of everything goes to the mom. But then when it comes to the fiscal responsibility, you as a man, have to maintain this. And it's like, but you guys are not going to ask me what I feel and what I want for my children or my child and what I want out of this relationship is just you have to pay this amount and you get to see them this many days. And I feel like that's a real fucked up way
to deal with parenting, right. How can we condition men to not care about childbirth, child rearing, childbearing, but then tell us you have to be emotionally intelligent to deal with children when they get here and what it means to be a parent, and know how to deal with women when it comes to being a co parent. When we don't even allow men to go through that mindset set of what it is to actually be a parent, they automatically miss us like it don't matter, like even
think about it. When you said the value you should get a visected me. You made the appointment, and it was that you never once had empathy with the fact. And I'm not saying you understand because I didn't have the same empathy for myself. We didn't have empathy for me to say, let's sit down and have a talk to val. You really done having kids? How would you feel?
No, I mean we discussed the vasectomy route, but it was always coded in my health right, yeah, yeah, it was never a you're right about that, because at first I was about to say the vow. We did discuss the vipectomy, but you're.
Right, yeah, we never discisced it like that.
Sit in the terms of DEVO. Are you done having children?
Is this something that you want to hold on to, just the ability to be able to do that, because then the owners would have been on me then to figure out what the next move was going to be, because as much as you like me the totus as in the circle, we sure as hell who would have been having more children, Absolutely absolutely, and we both made the decision and we both knew that we well, I can't even say that we were done having children because we have told y'all before too that you have a
fifth child, and not to take attention away from the topic and your discussion and your feelings right now, but I too felt like that was taken away from me, and it was taken away from me because having the postpartum preclamshit episode with Koda. My midwife did say, you know, there's a likelihood that you could have full blown preclamsh it with another pregnancy, so you can risk that.
It's nothing that is guaranteed.
I could have probably had a fifth pregnancy and have been perfectly fine.
I'd even spoken to a pastor that I know, his wife.
We were having a conversation about that and she was like an advocate of us always having a girl, and I was like, well, girl, like, we're not doing that over here. We clearly just make boys. And she's just like, well, why not try one more time? And I said, even if I were to, you know, pick the sex of the baby and have a baby again, it was more or about a health thing.
And she's like, well, why don't you pray for something else?
Why don't you pray that you would have a fifth baby and the baby beat a healthy baby?
Girl? And I was like, girl, I tried that. I prayed for a.
Mini me and I ended up with Dakota, who is indeed a mini me, but with a penis. You know, it wasn't specific enough, I guess, But for me, I felt like, damn, I did not make the decision to say, you know what, I am done when we're done, because we both probably would have had another baby. So I felt some kind of way for a little bit too, because I was just like, damn, do I have the capacity for another challenge to bandwidth?
I don't.
But I didn't make the decision that I was done. But we had discussions about that, right.
My biggest thing is we made discussions about my health without even thinking about mentally what it would do to me for sure, And as a man, I'm starting to realize that we do that a lot. We just make decisions that's in the best interest of everybody else without even thinking or considering how we may feel about it. And then when we do feel about it, that we suppressed it or we just like, oh, it ain't ain't
that big of a deal as something else. And after speaking to these men, I was realizing, like, yo, it's a thing like other than the one. There was five of us total, so that one was like I'm happy. He was like yo. He's like, yo, we already got kids and they're expensive and I don't have time to do this and that, and my wife just wants more and more kids. And he was like, I don't want any more children, and I'm not going to put on her to be on birth control, so I'm going to
do what I have to do too. And he was firm on that. He was firm on that, and even when I asked him that though, he said they had a discussion about how his wife would feel about them not being able to conceive any more children, because he got of asseected me, so they had a discussion with her about how she felt. But he even said that no one asked me how I would feel about not being able to procreate anymore, and he was just like, this is the first time I'm having this conversation amongst men.
He said, I never really even thought about it. I just did what I had to do and moved on. So we had asked him, like, how does how does it make you feel? Everybody had the same story right once they got the vasectomy, Like right after the vasectomy when they healed, they all like went to the gym and almost had to like boost up on their manliness because they almost felt like everything has to be the same after It was.
Like an a litmus test to see do I still go to the gym? Think about it.
You had your resected me.
I think it was on the Thursday, and Cairo ended up in the ear the next day, and you were carrying Cairo through the er, and we had that whole episode about the er experience, so y'all know how traumatic that was in itself. And the whole time, all I'm thinking is this man just had a resect to me, like, yes, right, Like you had no time to even recover. But here you are, super Dad, ready to defend your son's honor in the er.
It's crazy, it is, it is kind of crazy, but it just what it also does is because I wanted to ask you, like in front of everybody, what exactly was it that you felt, because we were prepared to try for another child if all things were right, but when it didn't happen, we were both like, cool, we're good. Right, But then you told me that you felt like the postpartum scare, I mean, the preclamps are scare made you feel almost less of a woman, like you couldn't do
something that you wanted to do. And we talked about that, right, And I feel like I'm kind of having the same feelings, but I don't know what it is, like, I just I'm just so not in a space or not used to having this type of ordeal that I don't know what it is.
Yeah, and you're used to having control, like you're a person that likes to have control over situations, regardless of what the situation is. And I think it's a thing where you kind of feel like you're no longer in control of that it was taken away from you. And in terms of how I felt in the moment with you having the besseect to me, I saw it as
something serious, right. You had I think your same group of friends who you were discussing the desect to me about they sent you home with a little gift basket. It was so clever. It was like different candies there, like.
Yeah, pretty much, or it was like sugar babies.
And then they put like a little uh it crossed out the top part and put like.
No more.
Or like almond joy and like cut out like the almond and put no more joy. Really funny things that were really clever, and you know, it kind of made you laugh, and it was like somebody acknowledging that you had the proseected me.
They were making a light of it.
Well that right, because my wife still hasn't told me a sected me party.
But that's the thing I didn't know.
First of all, I didn't know if the sector me parties were a thing, right because he's, yeah, he's, but I didn't.
I wasn't.
To me, that would have been making light of something that I thought was serious, and I didn't.
We could have had a party. We have a party for everything that happens in this house. When it comes to women, you get push gifts, but.
I didn't think it was something I wanted to celebrate with a party, per se.
You know what I'm saying. But what I'm saying I thought it.
Was something more serious.
I thought it was like I thought it would be making a joke of the fact that you had the viseected me. And I know it wasn't necessarily something you were electing to do. You did it out of the best interest of me and my health.
And but what I'm saying is that even if you didn't throw a party, right, you didn't get me a vasectomy gift, but you got pushed gifts, you got you know, you got engagement rings, you got.
I just in that moment, do you understand what I mean.
I'm not blaming you, And what I'm saying is that what we went through is just a testament to how things work traditionally. And I'm saying that's what to me is what the problem is. Right Like when it comes to men or a man, it's like, this is what needs to be done. We don't discuss it, we don't talk about it. You did with your feelings. You move on and you just do what you have to do what has to be done. And I feel like that's
not healthy, right, You know what I'm saying. If I'm feeling if I'm feeling like I ain't gonna say I'm like depressed. I'm not depressed, right, but there were feelings I was like, why do I kind of feel this way? Like what is going on? But then I'm left to deal with that on my own and by myself. Right, there are support groups from mom who deal with postpartum pre claim shit who deal with postpartum depression. There are
support groups for moms. But then when the dad who's also up every two and a half hours helping the mom, so there's no support group for the dad, Like.
It's just the group chat.
It's just a group chat. You know what I'm saying, There is no Let's let's rally and create and educate around some of the things mentally that this might cause. No One told me that this was going to be a thing. After Get intersected me that I'm going to have.
Regret, And I didn't think too when you said the episode with us coming to visit you in Toronto for spring break and Dakota and that you're feeling like, man, this is the last, like baby ellis like, I know, I've had moments where I was just like I've been trying to savor every bit of Dakota because I know how fast he's growing and how he's doing things. I think, of course just seeing his older brothers, like he is such a little brilliant kid that he just runs around
doing things way before time. And I'm just like, man, I'm trying to hold onto every little baby moment. So I didn't think that you, as a guy as a dad, was like, Man, I miss like the fact that he's going to be little, because you always say, Man, I can't wait till he about three four five. He's body training and he could say what he wants and he can w with me. Yeah, I didn't think he would
be missing a baby phase. I actually feel like you were like man, counting down till we changed the last pamper or you know, kept getting out of that that that can't sleep phase because the baby's waking up phase.
Like, I didn't think you'd be missing that.
But if there's any consolation, the doctor that I found you out here is probably the top doctor in America for vaseectames, And the reason I selected him was because he had an amazing rate with success of vaseectames, but an even more amazing rate with production of sperm after a reversal, there's.
No way that man getting nowhere in my nuts ever again. So you can start whatever you're trying to go with this, you can just start with that because that's and that thing they used to burn up, whatever it is, none of that is going anywhere near my sack ever. Again.
Men seeking reversals, according to our facts and stats by trouble around six percent. So that's not a high percentage of men that want to that have like you know, buyers or morse or regrets about doing it. I think people probably reverse for different number of reasons, like say, for example, for whatever reason we're not no more, they remarry or whatever. Then you just say, all right, I want to do it for that reason. But I don't think you're willing to go down for that again.
I'm never againting. I'm never going back on there right good to know. Ever, my nuts was sore for a little bit of time. I was grinning and bearing it.
So were you really more pain than you let up?
Because it wasn't even a pain thing. It wasn't it wasn't even a pain. There was a little bit of a mental there was a little bit of discomfort because it's tender, you know what I'm saying. It was a little bit discomfort for like a couple of weeks, and like a month and a half after what there was to like like I won't even call it soreness because it was like a but there was like tender to where if I did certain things or you did certain things, I could feel it, you know what I'm saying.
Which is wild to me because the doctor said to give it a week, and if I was just like.
We're on dating, I'm Wolverine, We're on day five. I'm fine, I'm Laverene.
Guys, I can heal extremely fast, bruh.
But men who would like to undergo vasectomies prior to age thirty to thirty five are much more likely to regret regret their decision than men who have had the procedure done later in life.
Yeah, thirty thirty five is really young. Forever said to me, I would.
Think, No, it's thirty eight.
They don't encourage, they don't encourage. They don't to do their tube tying early either. For that reason. Yeah, because that's very final.
But I was thirty eight when I did it, Like, I'm not that only three years out thirty thirty five.
I mean, when you're taking the scope of men being create, you're young. Yeah, you are young. Yeah, you're little whipper snapperly at you.
Yeah, little. I could be throwing babies everywhere, just like Nick Cannon. I could baby here, baby hit hot here. Yeah, just making kids, babies, babies, babies. I could be doing that, get it. No, I'm not. I'm here my so no babies around the code of walking around chilling. He ain't e a baby no more. The other three is in kids, they in school. I'm just here by myself. I can't have babies everywhere back then, and.
You know you sure as I don't want that ship me and the valley counting down to where done talking so we can take a damn nap.
I'm gonna be so honest. It's not even that I can't have a baby. It's the idea that if I wanted to, that I can't. If that makes sense.
And it makes total sense, I get it. I totally get it because I almost feel the same way too.
It's like I want to have another baby if I wanted to, not I want to. If I wanted to have another baby, I could, but I can't you.
Know what I'm saying. I get it. It's it's very, very parallel here.
So it's not really a regret in the fact that I regret it because I want to have more kids. It's just the idea that I can't really just eats me up and there and I don't want to, like I don't. It's almost like an athlete. It's like an athlete who's accomplished everything in like Tom Brady, for example, He's accomplished everything in football that you can accomplish. He's one of the most Super Bowls out of everybody's one with two different teams. He's broken every passing record. But
he kept playing Why because he can? Right, It's not like he needs to, there's no need for him to, but he just kept playing because he can't. That's how I kind of feel like. I think it's also my personality. I'm a conqueror. Like it doesn't matter how much money I make. I want to make more money. It doesn't matter how Yeah, it is a control thing from you.
And the crazy part is, and I want to implore two more men and women who are making these decisions for each other, have a conversation with your husband or your partner and ask him how he's going to feel about not being able to before you run and jump into it. Because once you do this, I mean, there are ways to reverse it, but once you do this, it's like there's no going back. You know what I'm saying, Oh,
I changed my mind. Yeah, you know, and there's no guarantee that if you do change your mind it can work out. Well. I'm saying that, like, as a man, I didn't expect to feel this way. I have four beautiful, healthy sons, Like, no, you can't really ask for anything more except if you like I want five, I want a whole basketball team. But you know what I'm saying, I don't feel like I'm lacking in that part of my life. But it's like, as a man to walk around and be like I could make more kids if
I wanted to, but you can't. It's kind of like, damn, let me go lift more weights, let me go run some more.
You know what I'm saying, Like, Yeah, nope, I understand it. I get it. I completely get it. I just didn't know.
I never first saw this being a thought for you because you were so.
Much like and I think it's in Part two.
It's a testament to the way you are always thinking about the best interest of me. Right, men, typically for men like you, are willing to put aside the way you feel because you know that it'll just be for the betterment of me. So you really only did it for the reason that I could not find another birth control method that was not going to be a detriment
to me. And we think about how much benefit we've had since the physeectomy in terms of just our our marriage, our sex life, our relationship, everything, my mood, like everything is of yea. And here it's said a small number of men can develop chronic scrotal pain after the procedure. Thankfully you're not one of those people. Everything is functioning the way he was concerned about the nut being watery. I am here to let y'all know it does not
compromise the texture or fluidity of the nut. Everything is still copes that it yell, it's still doing what it's supposed to do. But I just, I just I love that you were so adamant about making sure that I was going to be okay. And if I'm looking at it from my perspective, and this is of course just not even considering your argument right now, not argument, but
the way you feel right now. Just stepping away from that, I can just see so many more benefits for you and I after having the procedure.
So that's like a consolation for me.
I have moments where I'm like, damn, really do the right thing by not because I'm not having a baby for anybody else. So if I were to have another no, you're not. Yeah, I mean it's just if I were to have another baby.
If there's no you're not, you can just stop if you need to say, if you're not having any more babies and definitely not with anybody else. Of course I'll shoot that directly into the camera, of course, not not after I cut these nuts up. You did you just go out and have a baby for somebody else about to cut these nuts up? Hell? No, Like this is the This is the best part about it too, because we all the men talked about it, right, all of
our sex lives have been exponentially better. We've all said, the one thing that has been inconsistent is that our wives are now more free because there's no fear of getting pregnant.
They it's a win for y'all like, yeah.
But we're saying that we appreciate that and we love that for ourselves and our nuts, right, But what we're also saying is that doesn't change the fact that you still have that feeling. So so so, for example, if your husband does have that feeling and everything could be great. I say this so that women don't think like damn, like you know, like he's going to have regret and he's going to be upset and he's going to be a downward spiral. And no, we all had this discussion.
But at least when we had the discussion, we got it out. We were able to say, oh, so you have the same feeling I feel, so that's something that's not that's not rare, that's something that actually happens. But then we all still were talking about the fact that, oh, yeah, well sex is great. Wife isn't worried about anything. Wife is more willing to engage in a free manner because she's not like but wait, but wait, what about you know what I'm saying. They all have agreed that their
masculinity hasn't changed like some people. They all said they had the same concerns, like it isn't my testosterone going to drop because.
I do this.
So they were all saying, they worded about the same thing. They all it was just like, nas, everything has been better, it's been good. But they said they had the same feeling like it was just like, damn, I just can't go in there and get somebody pregnant, like that's a that's an I can get shorty.
Pregnant because that feels like you know, but it's.
That power too. And there's another thing. We always revere women and give women that God, that God, that God feeling of You are the vessel of life. You create life and you, you know, you grow life. But it's not possible without a man as well. And I feel like for so many years we've kind of downplayed the role of a man in making life, you know, and making a life doesn't start and end with conception and delivery.
Like I take pride in developing and making my children great people, so it's not only about the act of having sex and having a baby come out. I think the thing with Dakota was, Wow, I've literally watched the last person that I'm training to be a better man, I'm watching them become that. And then after this there's no more fear sit here. And you know, like for Dakota, every time he goes through a stepping stone, that's the last person I go through that stepping You.
Don't know that recently.
And remember I just told you about the stat it said like, by the time your kids reach twelve, you will have spent like whatever percentage with them.
And I just was like, oh my god.
But but I did look up that stat too, right, that stat is not considering how technology has changed how parents are choosing to spend time with their kids. For example, that's that was created and designed based on parents working nine to five, sending their kids to school and spending eight hours a day, sometimes nine to ten in the workplace away from their family, coming home and spending hours with their kids. Yeah, so when you have people now
who are working more from home. Technology has made it to where you have remote learning, parents are spending way more time with their children than they were in previous generations.
That makes you feel a little bit better.
Yeah, research that he was about to about, I was like.
We've finished seventy five percent of Jackson's life with us.
What are we going to do?
But I say that to say, I see Jackson hitting his milestones as as.
Our first yeah.
And then I have moments from I'm just like, oh my god, I miss Jackson as a baby. So now I look over and then there's his twin, Dakota, pretty much over there. So I'm like, okay, I can still get some baby ness, you know. And then I'm like, this is the last bit of baby ness that, like, Dakota would have still been our bed if you left it in our bed, if you left it up to me, because I'm like, he's the last baby, this is the
last kid that we're gonna have in our bed. Like why are we rushing him out of the bed because we won't have any more kids in the bed. And I'm like, oh my god, now we just got to rely on nieces and nephews to come along.
No, I ain't worried about them niggas being in my bed, not.
In our bed, but I'm just like, you know, when you know that you're done, Like I've seen women at other phases who are older than me like, oh my god, I just want to come hug your baby and give him back because I don't have that anymore. I'm done having children, and it's just so sweet to have a baby again. You know everybody loves that new baby ness, so admitt it. You love the new baby ness. You love those phases too.
You want me to admit it. You want me to tell the truth. You want truth. They want me to admit it.
You don't like I think about when Coder was first born, right here in our bathroom and he came out, and then it's just like the snuggles on daddy's chest.
You don't miss those little moments.
No, no, if I'm being honest, like I love I've loved watching him come out. He smelled good coming out, but he didn't do nothing. He was a big blob of nothing. He screamed and pooped and slept like there was no interaction. There was no.
Engagement, cuddling, the cuddling, that like snuggling, that the littleness.
Yeah, no, I don't like. I didn't engage that much and that that wasn't my fa That's not my phase. That's my phase. My phase is him now now like like from now, like him, Cairo, Kaz Jackson, they're all at different phases. Even Kaz and Cairo are different phases because they're a year in three months apart. But you ask me all the time, like, do you have a
favorite in this moment? And gona be honest, man, whichever one of those kids is in front of me in that moment, because there are so many different phases, Yeah, that's my favorite kid. Like with Jackson, Jackson is in the discovery of manhood phase. He's you know, adolescent, He's starting to go through puberty. He's discovering what he is.
His voice is changing, he's asking questions. I'm seeing him look at his fears and go after it, and I'm like, I love that phase from I love spending time with Jackson. Then it's Cairo. He's chasing everything Jackson is doing. Me and him spent time yesterday because Jackson went to a football game, Kaz was out with you and Dakota was sleep.
So me and him are working on his basketball handles and his drills and stuff, and he's talking to me about what he wants to do in life, and I'm like, he's at that age where he's starting to understand that, you know, he has control over what he wants to do. He's six, you know, like he's starting to realize that Kaz is five. He's in the my dad is my hero phase. Every time he sees me, he hugs me, he jumps in my arms, and you know, he just wants to spend time with me, and he wants to
emulate what I want to do. You know, Coda is in this wait a minute, I can move around and run around and do this stuff phase, and I know how to use this laptop and I can do all of this stuff phase and I still smile, and I'm watching him go through a different phase. The only problem is this is why Dakota is the trigger for me. When he does something, it shows that he no longer needs me to do something. Yeah, Like he went to the fridge. I was in the fridge the other day.
He brought his cup over to me. He was just pointing at the thing. And then I went and I put some orange juice. I put water in it, and I gave him the cutback and he just ran the other direction. And I'm like, Wow, he doesn't need me to help him drinking anymore. He don't want me to hold them in. No, He's just gone. And I'm like wow, Like that's going to be the last time that I you know, like those things are really what hit me,
you know, like, yeah, no, I got you. If there's any consolation prize, my wife has been doing an amazing job of making sure that these moments we have without the kids are like special for us. You know what I'm saying. You've done an amazing job with that, and I know it's make it been very easy on you. Now that you don't have all the hormones and stuff going through your body, it seems like you're you're you feel free.
I feel like I am who I'm really.
Supposed to be.
Yeah, whoever Kadeen was over the past, maybe like at least fifteen years. You think about your like being on birth control and children and back to back children and trying to cut back after children, and it's just everything, even just physically the way my body is coming back down to size. It's like I'm finally out of the woods of you know, the postpartum phase for more or less.
Jo I never thought about that either, how your body has changed. Think about it. Those hormones and all the stuff you put in your body for birth control also affect weight scuation. Like I keep we keep saying, like what is so different, And it's like this is the first time in your life since two thousand, almost like a teenager that you're not on some type of birth control or pregnant. Yep, Yeah, it was crazy how your body's also responded. I didn't even think about it.
I almost feel like I'm reversing now, like I'm reversing back to not to say that I feel like I'm getting I guess I feel like I'm more youthful right, I'm feeling like I'm getting younger again.
I'm moving around more.
I'm I'm you know, weight training and working out, you know, with more energy now. And it's also I'm sure it's collaborative. It's not just that, but it's also you know, of course watching what I eat and stuff that. But I'm talking about my mood, my mental energy level, just how I feel about how I wake up and I feel like I approached the day.
It's just so different.
It's just so different, and you can you can see the vast difference in it because once you had the visectomy. I did get on the mini pill for four or five months just to protect myself in the interim.
And think about how your weight fluctuated, how much weight you gain from.
From October to December December. Yeah, I was, Yeah, I was coming down. Then I regained weight, I had.
Back actne, face acne, and.
Then when I went to get a facial in February for the live shows and the book tour, that's when my aesthetition out in New Jersey. Maymie's was like, yeah, it's gonna take about three four months for this to get out of your system.
And you got off the pill in December.
Right, Yeah, in December, so that means it was January, February, March, April, May. So I'm five months out and I'm now starting to see it, like I still get a couple like now I have a couple of breakouts here and there. My back is still coming into but yeah, it just tears your ass.
But it is crazy though that you are finally like your body is now finally doing what it was made to do. M you don't any hormones, you any ring.
I feel the most natural I was when I was when I was pregnant.
Pregnant, yeah, because I wasn't on any kind of birth control, no kind of stive.
Of every pregnancy, the best was the best. And when you look at when you look at where we were in our lives. During those times, we were always in our best move. You weren't on any pills, you out of morning sickness, but you weren't big enough yet to know for people to know that you were actually.
Pregnant, and where I was like, yeah, like okay, let's get this baby out of me. Yeah.
But then even going into pregnancy, not having any kind of interventions, having the last two or three actually naturally, like my body just bounced back. But then once I put the IUD back in after these kids, that's when everything. Yeah, yeah, babe, I'm so happy you told me this though, so at least I know it's a thing, because I didn't know this was a thing.
This was actually a very surprise episode for me because.
Yeah, we can explore and yeah, and.
At least I know to be able to now touch base with you, because before what was the issue that we'd have. You'd be feeling some kind of way about something and just not saying it or be dealing with it on your own and then lashing out because you expected me to understand, And I'm like, bro, I didn't even know this was happening.
Yeah, so I do. I did kind of want to talk about it.
Because I was and to us and to y'all about how you've been feeling about it, because I'm sure you're not the only man that felt Now.
I have to speaking to a couple of other dudes. Then I was just like, damn, this is something I got to talk on the podcast because if these women are because we've already talked about having the vaseected me and how great we felt about it, if there are men who are getting of aseected me based on oh, this is the response that they've had, I want them to at least hear this and be like, oh, so if I feel this way is normal, it's normal.
I don't feel like you're not going to be looking at your wife mad now because to be like maybe protected me and.
Out look fun thing is I never I never got to that point. It was never you made me. I never felt like you made me.
Essentially, I didn't. I can't make you do anything, right.
I think it was collective and I'm not that type of guy anyway that's just going to do something.
Yeah, if anything, I made the decision for us. I was like, enough with this, I'm gonna go do this. But you did make the appointment find a doctor and drive me. They're like, yo, they gonna go get this ship done that part.
But but what was the straw because we even delayed that a bit too, because last year I had made the appointment and you know, you didn't make the appointment.
I think we made it for like February or March.
I remember the woman called you to see if you were still coming in for the appointment and she and he said, you said, my wife made the appointment.
And she's like, oh yeah. We got a lot of wives that call in here show up for their appointment.
So it was commonplace for the doctor's office to see men not show up. But then this next time around, what did it for me is when I went to get my blood work done.
Remember when I.
Had to do my physical and it came back that my hemoglobin was low and I knew it was period the heavy periods on the on the paraguard I d And at that point I was like, oh, so now it's about to be anemic because I'm bleeding like profusely every three weeks, like this is crazy for ten days and that's really I think that's.
Really what it is. That's really what did yea I have? I have a moment of truth too, so I'm almost save it.
To me, all right, save it to the end.
We're gonna pay some bills and we are going to come back and tell us no letters.
So stick around me out.
All right, we're back.
You want to read the first one, baby, I read the first one. Go for it.
We got listener letters for you guys. Hey, Davali Kadeen recently found your podcast and I absolutely love it. Thank you, We love you too. I've quickly become a fan and enjoy each episode. I've joined the Patreon family as well, and I can't wait until you all do your next set of live shows so I can see you all in person. Can wait?
Man next February, y'all. Marsha Calendar currently.
In a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of seventeen months. That's almost sounds exactly identical to the last one. I'm twenty eight and he is twenty nine, and they were also twenty eight and twenty nine. We are in love and I plan to spend the rest of my life with him. He is always thinking of others before himself and putting their needs above his own, including mine, being selfless and sacrificial comes natural to him and one of
the most endearing qualities. He inspires me to be more selfless every day. Man is in the military and has been on his own since he was eighteen. For over a decade, he's been having to take care of himself everything himself. His main love language is acts of service, so being of service to him and making his life easier is how he feels most appreciated. It allows him
to feel love, seen and heard. He also doesn't communicate his needs, wants, and desires often as he feels he won't be heard by others and will be let down. I don't know what that feels like. And when he does share his needs and wants, he would like to see an immediate change in actions rather than excuses and apologies facts. As we've continued to learn more about how to love one another, I'm doing my best to create a safe space, a safe place for him to be vulnerable.
I want him to know that I have his back. I have his best interests at heart and want to see him chase all his dreams. I want to be as cheerleader throughout life. With us living in two different cities, he doesn't always see how I could be helpful to him and assist in making his life easier on a daily basis. My question is, how can I be of service to my boyfriend while being in a long distance relationship.
How can I put him first and create a safe space for him to be vulnerable and share his needs with me while living in a different city.
Hmmm interesting and jaow I thought that sound like Val wrote, she's riding about Deva.
This is very simple. This is actually very simple I could tell. I could tell her how to do it.
Okay, so tell her, because this is you.
Stop asking us how to do it. Ask him, and when he tells you what he needs and requires, do it. Don't do it on your time. Don't do you way about to say, don't do what your flavoring sauce on it.
Do what he asked literally, because Deval would literally be saying to me certain things that he wanted, and I'd be like, oh, well, it'll be cute if I do it this way, or I'll word this because this would be cute, and Deval was just like, I didn't ask you for that.
Y'all heard the story about the White Savage.
It was a bomb ass lezardy fire and not what I asked so pissed because he said, I did not ask for It's not what you're to it's not So don't try.
To reinvent the wheel citys.
If you have someone that is going to tell you what they want, well, I don't know if he is he being vocal.
Did you say she's being vocal about well?
Well, she said. She said that he doesn't like to share his needs and feelings and wants because he's often let down, yes, and he doesn't want to be disappointed, so he just deals. I know what that feels like.
Absolutely.
I've said to Kadeen so many times to say, you know why I don't talk to people. Every time I talk to people, they cry. It doesn't matter who it is. I talk to people. I tell him how I feel and what I need. They cry, I'm the big bad wolf. I'm the bad guy because I'm the one that's always there for people, and the moment I express what I need out of that relationship, they feel attacked. So I stopped and that didn't help any because now not only was I not getting what I wanted, I wasn't even
able to express how I felt about it. And Kadeen and I went through this and I just got to a point where I was like, Kadeen, I'm not going to stop telling you how I feel. I'm going to keep telling you how I feel. And if you really love me the way you say you love me, you'll listen to what I'm saying and you'll work with me with being what I need if you can do it, and if you can, we talk about it and we figure another way. And for years Kadeen would do stuff like I said, I want to go to watch a
movie on date night. Kadean will get me tickets to the theater and I'd be like, I want to go see a movie. He said, when I thought that you would want to see this show, I'm like, I got to ask you what you thought. I told you what I wanted, and she said, but I thought this was nice. And we argued for years about her doing what she thought was special for me instead of doing exactly what I asked. And your boyfriend is a military guy, which
means he's very big on directives. Directives are extremely there's a task.
Complete the task, complete the test, don't reinvent the wheel, and find ways to like. For example, we were long distance when you were in the league. I knew what he needed in order to get by, like I just knew even fun Now, why you think I trucked my ass up to Toronto with four kids on spring break when we were supposed to be the Muhamma's on the beach, but we went to the cold because No, my husband does not deal well with being away from his family
for an extended period of time. So I had to haul ass up to Canada to be in Toronto with him and the kids, because I know that's what he needed in that moment to get by. Figure out what he needs in that moment to get by and deliver on that.
And also when you can't be there do things, it's like you're there. I get up some mornings, there's groceries already at the door because she's already ordered the groceries. She knows everything that I like. And before I even have to say, oh, let me get up and go get some shopping, it's already done. Like there are so many ways to help someone long distance with technology nowadays, i'd be on set. She Uber eats food to where I'm at, Like I'm really big on acts of service
as well, But I also don't require much. Kade knows that if I'm fed, for the most part, I'm in a good mood. So Cardino call me in because once last time you ate me.
Usually always I always ask you are they feeding taking care?
If not, now I gotta go. Ma'm sure I call out the reinforcements to get what you need.
What's my rule on apologies?
Change behavior?
That's what apologies. Apologies mean nothing.
You can I want you to say I'm sorry. Dival does not care. Nope, And I've become that way too, like.
I don't want to hear sorry, sorry. The best apology is change behavior. If if I'm doing something that that doesn't work in the synergy with my wife and she expresses it, I'm not going to just say sorry to her. I'm going to acknowledge that thing I didn't know that that was.
Or try to kind of the other person that the way they feel is not valid.
Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that, just and and and only change your behavior if you want to. If you don't want to change your behavior, you can say, listen, this is a behavior that I'm comfortable with doing. Maybe this isn't working for us together and that's okay as well.
Because if he starts to spill his guts out about the things he requires and you're like, oh, yeah, this is a lot.
I'm not trying to be of service to you in this way.
So then maybe then you know, okay, you got you equipped to deal with somebody who's requiring this, and then that's okay, you can go find your person. So good luck to y'all. All right, second and last listener letter of the day. First off, I want to thank you to for being so impactful in my life. When people ask who my role models are, devl you are one of the names I speak on.
Thank you so much.
I use your example so much in conversations with my own podcast. My lady and I been watching y'all's video since we were twenty one. We're now twenty six with an almost two year old boy and a baby girl on the way. Congrats, y'all. We have a house to have a great job, and my lady is holding down the fort. I plan to give her that ring soon. Carrie, if you're hearing this, hey ah wait second, all.
Right, carry girl, You about to get your races. Devel, I for real look up to you in many ways.
I was raised by a single father, though my mom was very present in my life. He was my main caretaker. He was real hard on me. It took sorry, he was real hard on me. It was kind of to the point speaking to my pops raised the dope man for me, for real, for real, Okay. But at the same time, I don't want my son to go through what I went through with verbal abuse, ass whoopings like
I got, some well deserved, some not so much. I love sports and want to coach my son, but my pops was my coach and shit was rough, and I don't want that on my son. I'm so nervous in all aspects of raising my son. I don't want to fuck him.
Up all the time.
All the time. I'm in therapy for myself and my family. That's awesome. It gave me anxiety. I gave me anxiety when or thing it says it. It gave me anxiety when we lost my brother when I was ten, he was eleven to a disease, and I think my Pops grieved it for a long time. But he's one of those men who hides it. And I know that because
I'm the same way. What advice do you have in regards to raising your sons that may have shifted from when you y'all were twenty six While we just we're talking to jack about this and how do you continue to feed their confidence but prevent arrogance?
But we literally just talked about this.
How do you also create a respectful relationship but also trust so they know you're always there for them and love them. This is a great, great question. First of all, shout out to you for being the kind of man and father who is reflective on his life and the things that worked and didn't work for you and how you can be a better father.
So that is awesome.
Your kids are going to be so, so so good because of that. Divine and I literally have just had this conversation and then had the conversation with Jackson too, So you can take it away, baby, because I know he's speaking to you specifically.
No, this is a dope question. This is you know, Kadin and I wrote the book We Over Me. I want to do a second book. I'm actually in discussions a book on fatherhood because of everything I everything I pretty much learned over the past twelve years of raising Jackson and now six five and eighteen months raising Dakota, Kiro and Kaz. But the first thing is you. You brought the age twenty six to twenty seven. I was twenty six and twenty seven years old. I was coming
out of the NFL, kadein and I got pregnant. Jackson came the year after. I approached fatherhood like I did the NFL, like I approached it with this vigor and this unyielding work effort, like everything had to be repetition. Just do things perfectly, just everything had to be on go, do it one hundred percent. Now now now. And what I realized was I gave Jackson a lot of anxiety because his fear was that if he didn't do things exactly the way I said it in real time, he
would disappoint me and I wouldn't love him. And it hurt me when he told me that, But it also opened my eyes to how I can change for Cairo, kazn Dakota. So the biggest thing I will tell you is number one, don't coach your son. I coached his football team last year. Right coach, And to be honest,
find other voices to be what you can't be. And I'll tell you why when I was mentoring young man and I was doing prototype sports performance, I could scream, cuss, do everything to these kids to get the best out of them. But at the end of the day and the segment, they could go back into the car with their moms and dads and discuss something else and don't have to deal with hearing this same voice when they
get home. When I was training and coaching Jackson, I'd be screaming and cussing and hollering and doing all of that stuff. Then we get in the car and I'm still going him. Then I get home and I'm still going him. And then he gets up and go to school the next day, and all he's heard was me be coach. And even when I tried not to be coach at home, I noticed he shied away from being around me because he was afraid that I was going to coach him at home and he didn't want that.
So what I started doing was creating a specific time and place for me to train him. And once we were done with that time in place, I didn't go back to that I was dad now where before when I was coaching, and that he knew the difference coaching, but then when I became dad, I said, once we get in his car, I'm dad. Now we can talk
about anything. We're not talking about basketball when I talk about your stats, when not talking about the layups and all, no, anything you want to talk about, we can talk about it. So the first thing I say is differentiate the time and place to be a coach and be a dad. But also do not be afraid to acknowledge your faults as a man to your son and apologize him for anything you may have done that may have been a detriment to him in the past, and now you can
correct that. Vulnerability will allow him to then be vulnerable to you and open up to you when he's not feeling his best self. That's the main thing I've learned. I asked Jackson to be vulnerable. How many times, Jackson, don't you talk to me? That's I ask you a questions? You want to talk to me? He's like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. And I realized that I'm looking at.
A little version of me, and he wouldn't even know how to express himself in that way if you didn't try to do it yourself.
And then it becomes reciprocal.
I know y'all heard. I know y'all heard what kadeen he said, But that is a whole other podcast. The way you learn how to create emotionally intelligent, vulnerable child is by being vulnerable with them. Yes, they will watch you do it, and they will feel like it's okay to do it because you've opened up. If you stay closed and you don't say anything to them and you and Jackson has said it to me so many times, I suggestion, why do you get so upset when you
start to get emotional? I said, do you realize once you start to get emotional and I point out that you're getting emotional, you get even more emotional. Trying to fight back the fact that you're already emotional, he says, well, look at you. You don't ever get emotional. Everything you do is very you always put you always together. That's what he told me. He said, I don't know why
I get emotional. Then he starts to get emotional, and I had to realize, like, wow, my son has never seen me be emotional, so he thinks he's less of a man if he starts to get emotional and he becomes emotional about that and he can't control it, and I was like wow. So I started to open up with him and become vulnerable, and he started to comfort me. And then he would say things like that, it's okay, like you're not perfect, you know, you give me grace.
And I start to hear him say the things that I say to him to me in order to comfort me. And then when I say, I say, see how you comforted me there, and I see him kind of smirt, and I was like, how come you can't do the same thing to yourself. So all of the story is be the person you want to see your children become. Don't be this hyper masculine, super tough, region rigid version.
Children must be seen and not heard like all.
Of those you know, tropes of manhood.
Out the window, out the window and stuff.
That's a good topic though, because we did talk about very recently how we've been how we're purposefully changing the way we are our parenting based off of Jackson and letting Jackson know, like man like you grew up with us in the trenches, like in Brooklyn when.
We had nothing.
He started with us there and that's why as stellar as a student as he is athlete, a human being, Jackson Gill whatever he wants or just for that reason a long because he has persevered through everything that we've had to endure and brought him through. We've put him in adult situations as a child where he had to move at such moments, you know, and it was and it wasn't fair to him, but it was all because we had the bigger picture, you know, as the focus.
So also the last thing is include if you have multiple kids, include your oldest child in how you parent the youngest one, so that they can understand when they see differences. I've already remember we were swimming with Kaz. Kaz didn't want to jump in the water, and I talked to him and I said, hey, bro, He's like, I'm nervous. I'm nervous. She started crying. So I said, hey, that's why we're doing this, because you're nervous. I'm saying, just jump, Daddy, gonna be right here. Just jump in
the water, swim across. He's like, how many times, Let's say you do it three times, You're done. He jumped in the first time. We applauded him. We jumped the first time, and Jackson was watching and then as soon as Jackson was he was done. I walked over to Jackson. I said, you see what I did there. He's like yeah. I said, that was very different than when you were learning how to swim when you were five. He was like yeah. I said, what happened? He said, I would
have got screamed that it cussed out. I said, yeah, I said, Daddy was a little immature then, you know I was. I was way younger. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't understand how detrimental that was to you and your development. And I would have definitely been screaming there, like get your ass in the pool, stop being a baby, stop being scared, face your fears it. I would have been screaming like a drill sergeant. And you jumped in there anyway with all that anxiety, and
you fought through it. But I could have helped you a lot more if I was more mature. So, now that you're watching me do this, help me with your brothers. And Jackson now doesn't feel like he was left the side. He understands the difference or he.
At the short end of this.
Yeah, it's almost empowering him now to yes, assist us in the parents, absolutely his brothers, and I love that for him, especially us to being the oldest really good listener letters this go around. Y'all continue to write in because we love to hear from you. If you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email us at dadas Advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
All right, you had said early on in the show that you already had your moment of truth.
Do you remember it? Yes, Okay, go for it.
Well, this was my moment of truth in all of this. Fatherhood doesn't begin and end with conception and delivery, you know, for men who are really involved fathers, and you can't say you can't put fatherhood in a scope and include everyone because they're a different type of fathers, right to it. But the type of father I am right, it exist all the way through my children's life. So my regret didn't come from the act of actually making a child.
My regret comes in from the fact that I'm watching my youngest start to go through these steps that I will no longer have to do anymore, and the fact that I can't create that again at any time was kind of like wow, like that's final, you know, like that's very, very final. But it also made me realize how much I appreciate and love being a father, Like
I really love doing this thing. I know it's going to come a moment and it's probably not to resect me, but it's probably just the fact that my kids are growing up. When Dakota's in school like Cairo and Kaz and we wake up some days and they're all off until two thirty and they're out and there's nothing for us to do with kids. I'm probably going to go through that phase again where.
I'm just like, I know, feeling like an empty nest, right, yeah, you know, because let's home school them all and bring them back home because we enjoy our kids, y'all. Do I know some parents can't wait for school to open back up to get their kids in school every day. If we can keep our kids with us all the time, whether it's on work, work trips, on set wherever, I would love to have my kids with me all the time. They're freaking dope human beings.
Think about it. No matter what's going on, at some point, there's always a little person in the house, like right now, da Colda just walks in the room.
I hear him in the back.
Yeah, he walks in the room. He turned the TV on and take all the stuff out the drawers and the walk out.
You know.
It's like at some point he's going to be in school. Yeah, there's going to be no little person just walking in the room and climbing in the bed. I know. You know, like that's that's really what it is. And the idea that I can't just make that again when I want yeah, seems very final.
You know how A whole lots of moments like that. When you're away filming, they all move into our room and I'll have one in the bed with me, one of the foot of the bed on the chase lounger, and then they'll bring a blow up bed.
And that's just my way of being like damn, I just always want them like here.
You know.
My bad last thing. Don't disregard men's feelings. You thought I was going to say, like, don't disregard how men feel about being fathers and making children and write it off like the court system does. And it make it seem like your only responsibility is to provide and you don't care, because men do care. And the idea of you know, making children and creating and procreating is not just something that is only exists in women. It exists in us. And we've been taught in condition to be like,
it's fine if I can't, it's fine. But that's just not the case. Of the five men, four felt like they had regrets about it, regrets about the one guy felt like he didn't, but he also had a lot of kids. But don't disregard men's feelings when it comes to their kids.
Yeah, that was going to be my moment of truth, like for ladies particularly, and I say, lady is just because I know we have different forms of relationships and examples of couples who listen to the show, but specifically speaking to our men who don't always who are not always given the benefit of the doubt when it comes to emotions and how they feel in the way they express it, for us to just really just ask again how you feel like, never stop the line of questioning,
whether it's with a vasectomy or it's just with anything being able to express yourself. Even our listener letter where she said, you know, I don't know how to be pretty much of service to him, like ask the questions and have the conversations. He may not open up one the first time, he may not open up the second time,
but the third time. And I love that you felt comfortable within the space that we're in as a couple to be able to say, hey, babe, you know I feel like in the past I might have been like, well, damn, now he got the vasecting me done. Now it's my fault, and I would have just taken that in and myself like damn, how so.
Now you're saying you didn't want the viseect to me. How Like we spoke about this, like, why are you having an issue with it? Now?
That's as immature, Kadeen, Kadeen, You's ago kind received it that And now I just really wanted to be empathetic with you and feel how you felt in this moment, because it's a real thing and it's a real feeling. So I want to encourage couples out there, whichever's spouse is dealing with something to just ask and ask again and not judge them for the way they feel. So all right, y'all be sure to find us on Patreon.
I love what you're writing, You're right into the listener letters they've been saying, Oh, we are part of the Patreon family. Now you can get exclusive dead Ass podcast video and Ella's family content there, as well as All day Ka.
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Come here, baby, let me rub your nuts.
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