Put Bae on a Platter

you figured it out? We'll see. Well, after reaching the ten year mark, I feel like catering to you has taken on a different meaning. It's a little vamping if you will like that. I like that. Hey, I'm and where the ellis is? You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow. And one more important thing to mention,

we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead adds to the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass. We're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow talk to a whole new level. Dead ass starts right now. All right, baby, we got an interesting story time today.

It'll go back that far because I think for the first fourth season we spent a lot of time reflecting on early parts of our marriage. So I want to talk about something that happened a little bit more recent, and it happened at the top of the year, actually the end of literally going into I think I know

where he's going with this, y'all. Yes, Kadina and I were sitting in your parents home in Brooklyn and we were getting ready for the New year, and it was about seven pm and the ball was going to drop late that night, and it was one of those times where as a couple, you like, let's just talk like it's going into how can we be better? So I asked you a question. I said, Babe, when you wake up in the morning, what do you think about doing for me that can make my life better? And do

you remember what you said? I remember there being silence. I was like, wait a second, let me really take a second and think about this, and I was like you specifically, yes, me specifically, no one else but me. And I was like, well, damn, let me think about that.

You know how I came up with that question because I had to sit back and ask myself, what do I wake up in the morning thinking I can I can make my wife's life better by doing this, And I really couldn't think about what I do consistently every single day. And it was at that moment I feel like I figured out what marriage was all about. All right, Now, taking it back to the beginning, Huh, let me cater to you, because baby, this is your day. Every day,

do anything for my man. Baby, you blow me, get thee get the note, got your slippers because we home dinner, your dessert, you always got deserted, and so much more. Let me cater to you. Oh that's my song. So I want to take it back to story time, right, Remember when I said in the beginning, and I feel like I figured out marriage. I literally think I figured

it out. Okay, it got to the point in our marriage or even over the past ten years, even as we were working through it, going through the vale renewal, because last year was a big revelation year if I think everyone vision is clear, blah bla. But it just so happened to be our tenure, wedding renewal, val renewal, and we were focusing on trying to be better spouses. And I was just like, yo, we spend so much time as people making lists for what we want our

spouses to be. Right. We got so many listens, you gotta be this, gotta do this, got you, gotta meet us at our worth, Gotta be able to do this, gotta do that, But no one really spends time on on thinking about how to serve as a spouse. And I'm not talking about the cliche generic terms. As far as I'm a man, I provide, you know what I'm saying,

I make you feel safe. If I'm talking about really providing services daily to the person that you choose to be, you know, the love of your life and your spouse for the rest of your life. Because what I realize is that once you choose to be married, because marriage is a choice, you know, it's it's a lifestyle choice. It's not something that is for everyone, it's not something that's guaranteed for everyone. But once you decide that you

want to be a spouse. You have chosen a life of servitude to your spouse, not a life of get a tude if you will, right, No, because I think it's fair to say. And in having this conversation just even talking about this episode with our producer Trible, she talked about people coming into a relationship, are you complete or are you not? Are you looking for completion in

a spouse? You know? And if you're coming looking for what you can gain from a potential spouse or from a relationship, then I think that's almost setting yourself up for failure. You mean you mean looking for someone to make you complete exactly, looking for that self lesian in someone else. It's like, oh, I have all of these things I bring to the table, but there's certain things that I'm going to need to complete me or to make me happy. And that's then finding happiness in someone else,

or finding that completion in someone else. Then I think it's a setup for failure. True or false? No, No, No, I agree with you. I think I think it is a set up for failure because I think the way that we view marriage now has has become very very selfish. You know, you get married to like you said, I get married to find someone who completes me. I get

married to someone who meets me at my worth. I get married for someone who checks all of these boxes of the things that I need in my life, as opposed to I'm getting married so that I can be of service to someone, you know what I'm saying, Like, I honestly feel that in the last year, I've realized how important it is for me to be of service as a husband, and not in the traditional sense, but even in the micro sense. Like my wife is having a rough day, I gotta find a way to put

a smile on her face. Small thing like that. Or my wife has a she'ing to do for work today, she has a zoom. She's gonna be on zoom all day. Let me make sure I get up and I prepare breakfast this morning. You know what I'm saying, Those small details that when you get into life, you start to gloss over, right, or they contend to add up, and then it builds frustration and it kind of mounts into this like little nit picky things that then become a

big thing. You know what I mean. I'm glad that was amplified for a lot of people in the pandemic, things that you might have glossed over because you know, you're hustling, you're bustling, you're here and there. But the pandemic keeping everything still, It really just allowed for small things, I think, to fester and then to be realized and then to bubble over and then disaster bro I wonder

when the divorce and separation rate looked like after the pandemic. Well, everything went up during the pandemic for a number of reasons. It wasn't just being in the house. Also, people lost jobs. That's a fact. So if you think about the simple fact that you know, when you lose your livelihood and you're you're going to survival mode, everything is heightened now, so your your stresses are heightened, and on top of that, you're forced to be in the house with this person,

so now your in survival mode. It's almost like the opposite of a honeymoon, because the honeymoon is that moment where everything is blissed. You know, the wedding is done. You probably you know, if you had a nice wedding and you have some people who are supportive of you, they give you gifts at your wedding. Everybody don't give gifts to the wedding. But if you had a good wedding, some people bought gifts. Maybe you have some money in your pocketing out so you can go in the honeymoon,

you go to paradise. You spend ten maybe fourteen days online in paradise with the money in your pocket, and people think that that's why it's called the honeymoon phase. That is the most blissful you're ever gonna be in your marriage because the minute you get back that's when things typically the reality comes in. Right, So the pandemic was the opposite. You took money away and there was no bliss. You literally was stuck in the house. And if you have kids, you know, kids are like locus.

Everything they they're supposed to do that they didn't ask to be here. You're their parents, so you know you have to provide them with the things that they need. So they take a lot of energy. But um, if you think about marriage, right, how many marriages start with it, This is the person that I love and they check all the boxes and then, as you said, the nitpicky things,

they don't do this, they don't do that. Your first instinct as someone is nitpicking on your spouse is if they're not going to do this and I'm not gonna do it. You know what I'm saying, Oh, you don't want to put the toothpaste cap back on the toothpaste copy? And then I feel like it becomes a battle of whose life sucks more, you know what I mean? Absolutely absolutely at that point, because it's just like, oh, you're not going to, well I'm not going to and then

it becomes that whereas nobody's pouring into each other. Yeah, I don't like that. We've had those contests where it's just like you on the toothpaste, I'm not putting the toilet seat down, period falling in wet ass, not dead ass.

That's what happens. That's what happens, not what but no, but but I I see what you mean there as far as the tip for tax starts, and then you start to pull away, and then as you start to pull away, that wedge grows in between you and your spouse, and then that becomes traditionally what this is, what marriage is. Marriages when you get to this point where you don't even talk anymore, and you're like ships passing in the night, and then that's when you hear people say, well, I

have to find myself first. Well, that's why I feel like I figured out marriage, because, like Triple said, if you're able to find yourself first, when you go into a marriage and you're complete, right, And now that I'm a complete person, I know what I can give, so I can serve my wife. But here is the issue with that serving your wife. Most dudes that go in saying I'm gonna serve my wife, people call them a simp.

Most women who talk about serving my husband people say they're submissive, And both of those words have a negative connotation. Simp and submissive, simple and submissive, which you know what I'm saying. In this generation, no one wants. Everybody wants to be a boss or a bad bitch or alpha male. So if in order for me to be a alpha male, you know what I'm saying, I can't serve my wife. You know what I'm saying, I gotta I gotta you know, alpha male. I gotta tell her what to do and

get what I need from her. And it's the same thing for women. If I'm a boy's bitch, I supposed to call that. In our time, I've been called submissive by you know, people in our circle, and you can call them sim all the time that we're happy submission. This is the crazy part though, and this is the truth. Right, I can say one thing or do something for you and I'll be all the simple. Right, I'll say something

else and then I'll be called narcissistic and maniac. And it makes me wonder, Right, how can so many people see two polar opposites were by their own absolutely their own past. So they're going to see where they're going to see based on their where they've been and how travel they are. And it's any thing is it's not just me. You get the same thing if you do something for me, If you drop it, they're like, oh, she's so submissive. I could never do that. I would

never blah blah blah blah blah. But then if you're out there talking, you're saying your opinion. So many guys would be like, how would you let your wife talk to you like that? You know what I'm saying. And I realized that in marriage, when you're so focused or not even sobering your wife, but serving the audience that's watching your marriage, now you lost. Now you've got too many people now now you're trying to serve people people

who really don't matter exactly, and that's what happens. Well, you know, it's funny we think about the completion and coming to a relationship complete. Right, Um, I'm gonna take it to a quick word. Okay, take it to a quick word all right now, because let me tell you past the trips. Was she came in with dropping some words? Okay, Um from T. G. Jake's saying that God feeds for

fuel those that serve. I give seed to the sewer, right, So pretty much, if you have an abundance of things, it's actually the First Corinthians, and I'm quoting this because it just makes sense for the conversation. Sorry, Second Corinthians. You have an abundance, right of something whatever, it is, an abundance of your gift. And then now, because you have an abundance of that to give, because you're supposed to give and you're supposed to serve, it's just gonna

keep coming. So think about that in terms of a relationship. If you're coming complete, and you're coming with the mindset that you want to serve and to give to your spouse or your significant other, then they're just gonna be more of that coming. Absolutely. So think about two people coming wanting to serve and the abundance that will come from that together. Hold on, let me just ask a question, where is it coming from? Now? Because that's what people are gonna ask. What if what if you're not a

believer in God? What if you believe in the universe? Like what if you but what if you don't believe in anything? Right? If you're constantly giving to someone, where does that energy come from to continue to give to Yeah, I mean it doesn't necessarily have to be with God. It can just it's gonna have to be a within thing, you know what I mean. It's gonna have to be you finding that happiness within, however you choose to find it.

Some people just choose to find it God. Some people choose to find it through their own affirmations or their own accolades for example. So that's something that has to be internal regardless. You can't come expecting or be out there searching for somebody that's going to give that to you off the bat. Does that make sense? No? It makes sense because you and not talk about spirituality all the time. And I hope I grew up Baptists, grew up in the church, grew up, you know, quoting scripture

and things of that nature. But I do wholeheartedly believe that God exists in all of us right and in order for you to find your best version of yourself, you have to learn to look with Him like you can't look without. Like I said, you're trying to please too many gods. You're trying to please all these audiences of people. You have to look within, you know what

I'm saying, to ultimately fill your own cup. Also growing up in the church, I do practice this and I've seen it work in my life when we when I first retired from the NFL and you you came back to mission to Brooklyn to work with me. We didn't have a lot, but every time we did get something, we gave. And I've always said to you and you used to ask me sometime and just like bro like you would get a little bit of money, but then

you're looking to give it to someone else. And I always felt like God always gave me in an abundance so that I could to other people. And that's literally been our lives. That's been like all of this that we have here is only given to us so that we can give to other people. That's why I feel committed to serve to people exactly. But I've never taken that stance with my marriage until recently, you know what

I'm saying. And part of the reason why I never felt like I had enough to give because I wasn't focused on giving. So it's not that you were in a deficit that you weren't focused on giving to me per se. And here's my thing. If I'm not focused on giving to you as my my wife, there's nothing no one can give to me to give to you. You know what I'm saying. It's like the hand is closed. If this hand is closed, you know what I'm saying, because you're so worried about losing what's in it, you

also can't receive anything. You're not able to receive anything to you open the hand to give, and then you can receive more in abundance. I feel like it's the same thing with your spouse, Like if I'm focused on giving to my spouse, that's the only way I can receive from my spouse or from anywhere else to give to my spouse. If it is if I'm focused on giving. But in marriage in this day and age, we never

focus on giving. How many marriage counselors or even people speaking about marriage or being married ever to say, I want you to focus on giving to your spouse. All I ever hear is creating a list of what you want, get what you want, and don't don't don't be complacent. You know what I'm saying, don't settle here from people that don't settle, get what you want to know what you want? Does check exactly. You never hear people nowadays saying be in a position where you want to serve somebody?

You know why, because it don't sound sound good. You don't sound good. How you how you tell alpha male be in a position to serve? How you tell a boss bitch corp? And even even saying the word boss bit the fact that a woman in her greatest accompment have to be called a bit? And so how do you tell a boss be in a position to serve

your husband? That's the first thing they're gonna do is be like no, no. But I honestly feel like that has made my relation community too, there's been like a we're conditioned to feel like that in terms of relationships like, oh, men have to be alpha men and they can't your emotions, so they have to then just be like, you know,

very very very surfaced with things very hard. And then with women too, it's just like we've been oppressed for so long that it's just like, okay, well, now that you have all your ducks in a row and you're you're that boss, you know what I mean, don't settle for anything less than that. Let me add context of that a little bit, because I remember my grandmother saying this to me. Was that with my grandfather, right, my grandfather never ate on the paper plate, he got utensils.

She used to make his plate because growing up, when they grew up in jim Crow Souft, the only time a black man felt like a man, not a boy, was when he was in his own home, and it was her responsibility as his wife to make him feel like a man. So for for men, it was like outside is so oppressive that when I come in my house, I can't from comfort. I don't want to be I don't want to be oppressed in my own home. I

want to feel like a man. But then you think about the oppressive nature of that aspect in the home for a woman, you know what I'm saying. You mean being home, ready to serve your home. And then is that being reciprocated so for black men in particular, being oppressed outside, black women also being oppressed outside because black women also had to work, of course, but then you're pressed outside being a black woman, then you come in

home and you are pressed at home. You know what I'm saying, I can understand now why black women are like, Yo, this is my time. I'm not sitting back to be submissive to someone who is not going to pour into me the same thing exactly. And I feel like it's like you said, the hand being closure, the hand being open, If you're getting that, you'd be more inclined to give.

Is when things become one sided. That's the issue, and that's where resentment builds, because I know you've had some moments where you felt like you were giving and giving to me and you weren't receiving in the in the same context, what I mean, or the things that I thought that I was doing to give to you were things that I thought you needed, but weren't necessarily things that you needed in that moment or appreciated in that moment,

not because you were being unappreciative, but just because you maybe felt like it wasn't are you absolutely by me looking for your specific needs. It was me doing the things I thought you needed to see. But but this is where you're right, and this is where this was my fault. Right, I was focusing on the things that you were not giving me at the time, as opposed

to focusing on giving. So if I'm only focusing on you give me of everything and I'm only focused on what you don't give me, all I'm focusing on is what you're not giving me. And then I'm taking away parts of what I'm already wanting to give because I don't want to feel like i'm giving more. And then you take things back home one second, then you take

things back. If I would have just focused on what you were giving me and continue to pour into you, it would have given you more of a need or want to pour more into me, as opposed to me focusing and nitpicking on the small things that I wasn't getting. You see what I'm saying. No, I see what you're

saying for sure. And that's what made me kind of feel a way sometimes because I was like, man, I feel like I'm doing so many things for you or to help you or to try to make your life easier, but they that might not have been what you needed in that moment, or its not been of what you wanted in that moment, so it wasn't received this such, it wasn't received as well. You know, Kennin is doing

all of these things. So when I used to listen to you, like, well I do this and I do that, You're just like, but that's not what I asked for. That's not what I needed in that moment. So it kind of makes me wonder where something like that or a situation like that falls with someone trying to give and then not feeling and still feeling taking for granted. So this, this, and that's a great question. Here's why. When you're focused on giving right, part of giving is listening.

So if your partner is telling you the things that they need, and you're focused on giving your partner the things they need, then you have to listen first. As opposed to saying I just want to give them this, you're really not giving them what they need. You're giving them what you want to give them right, or you think they might see what I'm saying exactly. That's not that's not giving, that's not giving. That's actually actually very very selfish. Is that idle service? I guess that is.

And it's selfish. It's selfish for me to be like, I know what you need as in your spouse, and take this and be grateful and be appreciative as opposed to listening to what you're saying and saying, you know what, let me listen to what case that's true, because I think there's a there's a laziness that comes with that almost too, you know, And I'll admit that. Like I was like, okay, dev I was asking for you know, red velvet pancakes and I'm just gonna make regular ago waffles,

and like, well you ate breakfast this morning? Why you why are you complaining like you hate? Right? My job here was to feed you this morning. And it's like, man, you could have made a little extra effort to make the red velvet pancakes, but the frozen ego waffles, you know what I mean. And I came to the point where I was just like, you know what, he deserves red velvet pancakes at this point, you know what I mean? It's that a little blurb here, you know, because I

love my blurbs. You know, I have to you know, I like to do little. So in every culture there is a belief that being in service to others is the key to happiness in favor, which I think is super interesting because I don't know if that's a key or if it's in every culture I should say, but it definitely makes sense. Right. We learned early on that it's better to give than it is to receive, But

what does that really mean? Right? We're all born with gifts, special things about us that are somewhat unexplainable and given to us completely for free, which I also thought was interesting. Yeah, talents and skills and all that. So these gifts may take the form of a talent or a skill, but sometimes our gifts are things like simply being able to relate to people very different from ourselves. Whatever they are,

our gifts help us to live with a purpose. And living with purpose means using our freely given gifts to freely give to others and to serve. So what do you think about service as it relates to purpose and maybe just even your purpose Within a relationship too, we can bring it back there, But how does it relate to purpose? Because I know how it can relate to purpose in terms of like what you want to do with your life or your legacy, Like how does it

relate to your purpose within a marriage too? Well? I think I think it's important for people to understand that everyone's purpose is not to be married. You know what I'm saying, Like, Um, it's a condition, you know it's it's it's a social conditioning. People think that you're only successful if you get married based on what we've been conditioned to think. But marriage is a choice. It is a choice that people decide whether you want to be married or not. So part of your purpose is figuring

out do I want to be married? And then once you decide, like you know what, marriage is a lifestyle that I think I want to do. Marriage is a lifestyle that fits my purpose. I think part of that has to stay at the forefront of your mind when you have a spouse, that this is the person that you chose to be your life partner for the rest of your life. So with all of your gifts and all of your talents talents, part of those gifts and talents have to get poured into your spouse. They can't

always become on the back burner, you know. I'm saying, well, I got all these other things I want to do with my life, and when I get around to it, I get around to my spouse and shout out to the people who know that they don't want to do that, because I feel like our generation is one of the first to be like, you know what, I see a lot of people who don't aspire to be married, Like I was recently asked about, like you know what I do, and like, you know how that's helpful to women, for example,

just for Women's History Month, And I'm just like, you know, I'm hoping that with my content, for example, living in my purpose when it relates to my career and my profession. I'm speaking about being a wife and a mom and a career woman and being all these things because that's what makes me happy. But it's okay when you don't choose those things, don't want to do it, and you can still be happy. And that's not a measure of success.

So I think knowing that early on is always a great thing, and I applaud people who know that that that this is just may not be the life choice for you because you don't care to serve anybody ever but yourself, you know what I mean. And same thing with children, people who decide they don't want to have children, right, I mean marriage, having children, those things are to me is it's a choice like being vegan, right, Like, okay, you vegan? Does that make you better than me? No?

You I eat meat? Does that mean that I'm better than you? Know? It's just a life choice based on my chemistry, my makeup. It makes me feel better to be this way. So with marriage is like based on my lifestyle marriage, I feel better be in this way. And here's another thing. If you're not someone who's dedicated to serve other people, that's fine too, you know what I'm saying. Maybe maybe your dedication to service is to exist in your life the way you see fit so

that you can be exampled to someone else. You understand what I'm saying. For humanities purposes, it would be great if everyone served. But serving doesn't look the same to everybody the same way. Your ideas of service are not the same as my ideas of service is not the same as someone else's ideas of service. So what we also have to stop doing is saying this person needs to serve me this way in order for me to

feel good. One thing I will say about marriage, if you trust yourself and you trust your ability, if you if you believe in your heart that I picked good people right, and you pick your spouse, you have to trust that that person is going to figure out how to serve you the best way possible, rather than dictating to them how they should be. That's that's not gonna work. You know I love you, ka, I know you love me.

At night, I go to sleep saying, and this is how you and I have not We haven't had arguments. And this is one thing I'll say. We've been in a very good space lately, a very good space since I think since it was about November. About since about November, we've been in a very very good space where we

haven't had arguments. Everything has been discussions, and I think a large part of that is I go to sleep at night not saying, you know, if she don't, if she don't get this right, then I'm gonna do X y Z. I go to sleep saying, my baby, she'll figure it out. And I have been figuring it out guys, I've been figuring it out. And I've been figuring it out too, like I've been, but you know what I've been doing differently, I've been going back to something that

I employed very early on in our marriage. Um and we talked about the honeymoon phase. I feel like that's kind of where I'm trying to get us back to, you know what I mean. Showed a lot of talent and gifts during the honeymoon faith and I ended up with a whole honeymoon baby. I don't know. However, that being said, I went back to thinking about like the cater to you mentality, like how can I really work to make Devo's day better? So where the conversations at

the end of the night. I used to go, all right, babe, what you got tomorrow? Because everyone knows our schedule is crazy hectic. We're always here, there, and everyway, so the schedule is different from day to day. But what do you have going on tomorrow? Okay? Great, Now it's not just okay, Devil has all that going on, So here's what I gotta do. It's Devil has all that going on. How can I then filter in things that he may need throughout the day to make his day flow smoother.

And I think it's been pretty pretty decent. And you've been very deliberate with asking me, and I've been I've been better in the past when you asked me. I used to And this is a fault that I know a lot of men do. You'll ask me what I need, and the first thing I'll be like, how good, I got it right. No one that I need something. I'll be like, don't worry about it. I got it right. And you still do that to me. Now you'd be like, don't We're about at it, and I'm like, no, you

don't got it. That's what I was saying, What do you need? That's what I was saying. Like you've been very deliberate with making sure that I give you an answer. I'm happy you said deliberate, because guys, my word is deliberate. That's your word, that's my word. Like, yeah, it's just a word. Like I'm just trying to be way more deliberate with how I should show up in various aspects of my life, whether it's career, whether it's just parenting. You know, we should have a whole episode or what's

your word that I'll do that with my girls. I'll get some girls together and we're gonna talk about because that's been like a discussion in my group chats. Well, check this out before before we go to break. If we gotta listener letters, right, there are ten principles of servant leadership, right right. I did not look at this because, as you guys know, I don't look at the rundown. I don't stuff. Trip will be mad at me all

the time. But Kay looks at the rundown. I do, But I'm looking at the ten principles of servant leadership. Number one is on the list. We'll tell them what servant leader ship is first. It focuses primarily on the growth and well being of people and the communities to which they belong. Right, yes, perfect, So I didn't read that. So that's this is why k is important, um, how to bring us. The first thing that's on this list is what listening. Listening. In order to serve, the first

thing you have to do is listen. Right, So we have listening, empathy, understanding where the other is coming from. Absolutely, someone in the other shop. You put yourself in someone else's shoes. Yes, healing, Yes, healing, awareness, awareness, persuasion that's an interesting one. Persuasion that's an interesting one. Conceptualizing that's

conceptually conceptualizing. And foresight. I love those two stewardship work, willing to put in the work, commitment to the growth of people, commitment to the growth of people and building community or your spouse and building community. I think that this is all important because if you take these principles right that you apply to community building, right, why shouldn't

you apply those two marriage building the same exact principles. Listen, have empathy for your partner, work on healing with them, be aware of what they're going through. Now. Persuasion, to me, was the one that I felt like was a little bit was like, yeah, it's just like I'm guessing persuasion as far as trying to teach them or trying to introduce to them your perspective so they can see things the way you see things, getting getting a level of understanding,

gaining a level of understanding through that. And I think it's important because Yang and Yang, if you're going to have empathy, you also have have to be able to persuade. So empathy means that I'm understanding where you're coming from, but being able to articulate to someone where you're coming from, persuade them to see the vision. It doesn't mean, it doesn't mean you have to agree. But it's like, you know what, I can persuade you to see where I'm

coming from. At least you can understand my perspective saying that's what I was thinking about, persuasion how it feels, but conceptualizing together you and I work to build everything we have together the foresight to see it. You know what I'm saying, the stewardship together, put in the work. You know what I'm saying to the growth of people. Yes, because I've been committed to your growth, You've been committed to my growth. I've been committed to growing a baby

in your stomach um and building a community. That's what we're gonna do, building a community, building a community of This was these ten principles of servant leaderships. I really really like that. I really really like that. Ye all right, I hope you wrote those because we're about to go in and listen to letters. So before we're going to listen to letters, please let us take this break real quick. Pay some bills, and we'll be right back with case

favorite part of the show. M alright, bet we're back episode one, his favorite part of the show already. Now, I wonder have you'll been writing into listener letters. I hope you'll don't forget to do that because I don't see all my dms. You'll be asking me all this advice in the DMS and I just can't do it all there, so making sure you email us. But anyway, so while we have you here about the d ms.

Part of the reason why I don't answer my d ms because you know, they've been hacking people lately, and now even with hacking, they don't even have to have you click. If you open up the wrong d M, they can get your profile. So I'm sorry, but until they get that hacking stuff out of it, I'm not gonna be answering random people that I don't know. That's just the bottom line period, all right. I'm one, I

am twenty. I'm a twenty seven year old woman living in Los Angeles and struggling with finding my happiness, purpose in life for happiness slash perpects in life. Meanwhile, my boyfriend seems to have his life all figured out, like devow what's this. I don't know the feeling. I've been great with saving money and just working my life away, but on the other hand, I have family members asking to borrow money, and it's really taking a toll on me mentally. I feel like I have to I have

the obligation to do so because it's family. I want to put a stop to it without hurting their feelings. I've given certain family members ten plus thousands dollars. Sis what you do for a living? How do you how do you think? How do you think I can continue to help my family but also focus on my purpose By saying no help with family. We just talked about giving and serving, but I mean nothing reasons Now you'll be just becoming a crutch. Like and the thing is

you're enabling. Once you start enabling people, now they feel like, you know, I don't have to work as hard because she got me. Yeah, you don't want to be an enabler. Baby seven, you haven't even gotten into like the precipice of your life, like you like you're just at the beginning and you're talking about your boyfriend having all his stuff figured out that maybe in part because he's focusing on himself. When you seem to be focusing on so many other people at the same time. I remember we

talked about being the complete self. So even yeah, even if you're not necessarily say you have a boyfriend, but you're not looking towards marriage right now or whatever down the line. Um, an incomplete person is not going to be of service to anybody and not yourself first and foremost, so sis say no to them people. You're gonna have to say no after a while, baby, listen, take take my advice. Okay, I'll played four years in the NFL. I made a lot of money from the age of

two to six. During that time, I said yes to a lot of people, and I didn't want to hurt people's feelings. It got to a point where I couldn't help anymore because I didn't have it. And the first time I said no to those people, their feelings got hurt. And when my life wasn't where I wanted to be, nobody cared. So that is a fact. And now we've moved and we got people like, hey, we're gonna con visit, and we're like, no, keep that same energy. We spent

ten years. We spent ten years in Brooklyn. This is nothing to you. We spent ten years in Brooklyn in that apartment, which was a great apartment. Shout out to my name who gave us that apartment. But people never came to see us. Nobody came to see us. People us maybe my brother and sister, my mom, my brother, and that was about it. Like we didn't get a lot of visitors to that a lot of visitors at all, which which which I get, no one wants to see

an apartment. But but we also realized is that your your life can be in inspiration to people, Like I get that, but what codein said, if you're not whold and where you are, and you're constantly given to people, your cup can be empty and your cup is empty

you know who that affects you. And then when you're feeling um unwanted or unneeded because you've given to everyone else and you're feeling like unappreciated or when reciprocated if the shoe was on the other foot and you needed help, and nine times out of ten it can never be reciprocated because they just can't, not because they don't want to,

but because they can't. So you have to be able to teach them if you really want to help your family, teach them how to exist in a life where they don't have to rely on you, so that they can be better versions of themselves. Just by giving them stuff, you're not really helping them. Really, you're just becoming a crutch. So that's my advice. Good luck to you. Boot. You want to read the next one, or you want me to read that this long? Let me see this um

shout out there. Tianna Cob all right, my name is Tiana Cob, and first I like to stop by saying I've been a supporter for you and your beautiful wife for quite a few years now, emailing you to see if you could give me some insight on how to help my fiance. My fiance, hottie hope to think Haddi

Mohammed is literally heaven sent uh. He has helped and supported myself, his parents, his family, friends, et cetera in more ways than I could ever express with our businesses for years, so much to the point where I've realized he does so. He does such a great job at helping everyone else or whatever it is. Their goals are great or small, with no hesitation. However, I want to be able to reciprocate that undeniable love and devotion support

for his goals and dreams. Go girl, Tiana cop I hope I say in your name in Tianna cop Um. His dream is to become an actor of some sort. He is very talented, sometimes to the point I even get annoyed by the characters he's imitated or he imitates on a regular basis. I want to help him get to the level of success and exposure I know he is destined for. I want to be as efficient as possible when it comes to do so. Um, who do I talk to? Best people to trust is to take

best people to trust to take to the road. I'm not even sure if you could help guide me in the right direction, but I thought writing to you couldn't at least get me started. Shout out to y'all too for building again. You know what I'm saying, Yes, and being invested in her, wanting to preciprocate somehow and seeing how she could be of help or service to him. Well, I know how I helped this actor over here sitting next to me in the very beginning. Think about how

many auditions we did together since the apartment days. I was always his reader. He's been my reader. We're just reading for each other for all these different roles. And it was just it's been a long road, but you know, you're always honest or something. Even before acting, when I was doing color commentary and I was on TV and you were just like, Bro, are you sound like that? That's like your son voice indiction. Maybe No. She was like, say the end of your words is asked. I said, yeah,

I say acts, it is what it is. But I'm no. UM. I say. The best way, and this is for any beginning artist, UM, is to first be your own advocate. UM. I was just talking to about this. If you're really in an artist, an actor, you need to create the content that you want to see yourself as on the big screen. Created. First, write it, learn how to write film it. Do this stuff for yourself, and then try to pitch as much as possible. UM. If not, if

you can't pitch it, UM. It's hard out here these days, especially during COVID to get you know, in face relationships or conversations with casting directors or producers. But if you have access to any, email them, email them, your head shot, your resume, what you've been doing, keep in contact with them,

take acting classes. These are things that you can do to help move the process forward, and hopefully you can build relationships with people throughout, you know, throughout that journey, so that as they begin to grow in the industry, they can bring you along. That's what I did all the people that I'm working with now, Um Solving Nain for example, he was a rapper who said he was the last season. He wasn't last season. He was a

rapper in Brooklyn. He was about twenty four years old, and I was just like, y'all want to I'm gonna do my own music video. Now he's directing bmf UM Queen Latifa show The Equalizer. Andy nominated for Snowfall like like and and we started together, and I didn't look up to say somebody just choose me. I work with people who are working like me, and we built together.

So find some creatives just like yourself, whether social media like That's kind of how we also got exposure, was just social media and our social media creating content, leveraging our platforms around us in partner with people who are grinding just like you, and as they move up, you'll move up. That's the best advice I can give you better support you man, sis I love that built together

and drop it always helps to relieve a little stress. Okay, and we might we might know it might be a little too early to see it for the We'll see if we can get to explaining what that is. But if you like to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. Yes, that's d A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. Baby, what's that? What's your moment of truth? Moment of truth?

I'm gonna go back to my low cheat sheet here, you know, um and talking about how you use your gifts to give back? Right, So we talked about purpose. We talked about the things that are the things that are given to us or the things that we have innate within us that then allow us to be of service to others. Right. So here's uh four quick things that I think you can do to use your gifts to give back. Find your passion Okay, so when you can put love into your service, you'll care about it more.

You put love and passion into your relationship or your marriage, that the love just bubbling over it just the love golf. Yes, give your time. Time is the greatest gift that any of us have been given and the most valuable gift that we can give. Can't get it back. If it's the time where you and and make the time. Sometimes you have to make the time, and chances are you're making time for the things that you really want to do, and that one of those things should be being a

service to you know, be proactive, not reactive. Don't wait to give back. Someone needs what you have, don't wait till they ask. Find where your gifts are needed and go there. That goes back to listening. For me, listening to the spouse and seeing what they need and anticipating that ahead of time. Right to get rid of or to prevent the selfish. You know, I'm just giving, just to give, and this is what I can give in that moment, and you're just gonna take it. Let me

give you what you need because you want that. And be humble, have a heart of humility when you serve, serve to lift others up. What I mean, I was saving a little b for y'all, you know what I mean. But I think it was a little blurb that I didn't get to get in during the meat of the show, but I felt like it was still a nice way to recap the conversation. Um, I have a very because you took up a lot of time there. Um. Yeah,

it's very simple for me. Um. If you really want to enjoy your marriage and have it last, do not be afraid of being of service because the outside people may view you differently. That's pretty much it. A lot of times people are afraid to be of service because they don't want to be called a simple or be called submissive. So you're ultimately serving other people outside of your marriage and not serving and not serving your spouse.

That's my moment of truth. Focus on the person you lay down with every night and wake up to every morning, and not everybody else's ideas of what you should be as a spouse. Is a fact. I love that one. I love it. Yes, all right, Well, y'all know where to find us that this point, right, at this point, you should know where to find us. Be sure to follow us on social media at dead ass the podcast and you can find me Cadine I am and I am devout. And if you're listening with Apple Podcasts, be

sure to rate, review and subscribe all of them. Rate reviews subscribers three. Three things to do, yes, oh and one more. Tell your friend, friend, and tell your grandma. I don't know if grandma's listened to us. Do you think grandma's listen Grandma's listen to us? I just found out. You just found out. Yes, um. Shout out to Michelle sneed over a tylent place. Her mom listen to us. She's I don't want to get her age, but she would be consider grandma and she saw me on Good

Morning America for the children's book. Started listening to the podcast your children's book? Have you the machine? Shout out. We have to say Black Lives number one best seller. My baby has been out here to impress okay on the book. And shout out to everyone who has purchased and tagged us in videos of their children reading and holding the book. I love to see it. So man, you're so fine when you're talking about me. We just got a new matress. I'm about to go break it in, y'all.

We'll be back next week. I'll see y'all. Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast network and is produced by the Nora opinion and triple follow the podcast on social media at dead as to podcast and never miss a thing