Preparing for Labor

we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take philow Talk to a whole new level. Dead Ass starts writing out. We had lots of stories because we got mad kids, y'all.

But this story in particular is the morning of Kaz's birth right, and in full of you who watched our birthing vlog, you remember how it started. I'm sleeping the bed, k runs in the room, shakes me, shakes me about I'm like, what what what she goes? Baby, I think it's time, Betty. I think it's sounded like a wounding, know she would like Mimi, and she was the nerves coming down the throat and I was like, what's the matter. She was just like, I know, I don't think I'm ready.

But we was ready because a week private I already inflated the pool. All we had to do was put some water in there. Whence the kid was ready. Um, we called the minute we knew how water broke. We called her parents, called her brother, sister, called my brother, UH, called my sister. We called my parents, we called doll, we called the god parents, and we was getting prepared. So the funny thing is when you're having a home birth, people don't realize that the best part about having a

home birth is that you can include family to create ambiance. So, you know, I've been doing this fatherhood thing for a little bit now, So I knew that our baby was gonna come within six hours, because that what Kyroe. He came within six hours. So I told everybody rushed over there, and I wanted the first couple hours of the home birthing process to be kind of like Thanksgiving in Christmas, so we all got together in the living room. We

were watching movies. Kay was bouncing on the boats suit ball, I was pushing on her hips in her back, and Zakari came and acted to the duel. In that moment, she was helping with the whole home birthing process, and in six hours, almost on the dots, Cats came was born. Push it really good, Push it real good, getting ready to push, getting ready to push. The crazy part about pushing that I think only women who have experienced it. No, when time comes to push, there's no way not to push.

There's just no way not to push. That's just how it works. It's almost as if the body just un involuntarily starts pushing and you have no choice but to ride the wave and go with it. Before you get started, we're gonna take a quick break. We can pay some bills, and when we come right back, we're gonna get into your birth, involved into home. Yeah, I'll pick up on my version of Devour story time and how I felt in that moment. We'll be right back that wounded goat situation,

because that could sense the shakiness in my voice. It was one of those things where in that moment, I felt like I was empowered. Leading up to this process, we had done our due diligence, We did our research. I got the blessing from my O B G. Y Into then transferred to a midwife. I vetted to Kia. Our midwife shoutouts as a Kia she is like second to none. And I did my research. I had my visits with her. She told me how to channel the idea of pain into that moment when I'm going to

meet my baby. There were so many things, you know, and then it hit me like I'm actually supposed to employ all those things that I've learned right now, you know. So it was just one of those moments where I I just I knew it was coming. There was no way to stop it. There was only one way out, you know. Um, and he's nervous. I was nervous. She was nervous. He was nervous. I was nervous. Um. It did help, though, having family and friends nearby to just kind of, you know, take the edge off, take my

mind off of things. Cad was born a couple of days after Thanksgiving, so it was like, you know, family was in town, My grandmother was there. Um, so the distraction was nice, you know. And I'll never forget my brother, who was probably even more nervous for me. At various

points throughout labor. He was like, he'll come over to me and whisper and he'd be like, you know, you don't have to do this right, Okay, you know the hospitals like tim in this away, right, we can go to the hospital, okay, and I know, let's let's take take them back to Jackson. And how we even got to this home birthing process because it wasn't like, hey, let's just have a home. It was like a process to get here from child one to child three. Yeah,

it was very thought out. So let's start initially. I don't think we've ever told this full story on the podcast. When they when it came time to for Jackson's birth. Um, I was in the gym. We were living in Brooklyn at the time, very young, I believe, and Kay was pregnant but she was still working at mac so at the time. When she was working at mac her diet and her exercise routine was horrible, terrible because the Johnny Rockets, like everyday they knew me. And you know, it's something

about people wanting to feed pregnant people. I think they don't want to stig in there. EI. They're like, Yo, you want this, Johnny Rocketsburg and fries. You're gonna get this right now. So they and they made sure she was happy. But it was very high sodium right on top of the fact that she was working crazy. I was in retail that she was getting dehydrated. So she went to the hospital and your living enzymes were elevated,

so they thought she had pre clamps here. So because her liberal enzymes are elevated, they were like, hey, we're gonna induce you and get the baby out there because not safe. So I'm in the gym. I get a phone call. Hey, we're gonna induce K. So I'm like cool. That was around eight o'clock, nine o'clock. I got this phone call. Um. First she told me she was just going to the doctor. That's what she said, to get checked out. Then she said, hey, baby, it's gonna happen.

They're gonna induce me. So I was like cool. This was three weeks prior to when Jackson was supposed to be born. So I finished my my set at the gym. I had some clients at it. You finished. You didn't just drop everything in league because you don't remember that. You told me like, don't rush because there's going to be a process for them to induce me, and there's nothing you can do when you get here, So finish.

So I finished my clients. When I was done my clients, about nine o'clock, I headed to the hospital and then that's when all of the excitement started with the epidural. All right, yeah, I promise y'all if I catch the woman on the street that administered the epidural, I'm fighting her to this day. To this day, I've never in my life ever wanted to put hands on the woman, especially elderly woman. And she wasn't really that she was the elderly, but elderly, but she was older than us

because we was in our twenties at that time. But I wanted to fight this woman. We were in it when in the room and case sitting on the bed and she had asked for an epiduro. Um, no you didn't ask for well, real quick, when the induction started, the nurse came in and said, just so you know, this thing can take up to twenty four hours to even start working. Actively, So if you were to get an epidural, it would be wise because you get some sleep, you won't be tired by the time the baby comes,

you'll be able to push. So she kind of almost sold me the idea of the epidural because I didn't necessarily ask for it in the beginning. It was just like, girl, you're about to get into so there's ship might hit the fan, just so you know it's available to you. And that's where the temptation comes. Being in the hospital. It's like, you know, you see your first baby here about this pane. So it's like, damn, let me just go ahead and get this epidural because I don't want

to feel it. And both her mom and my mom had three kids naturally, no epidrol, no nothing, so I don't We never even had the discussion. That's another thing about young parents and not knowing. Kadina and I had never had the conversation of whether to get an epidul or not hit an epidule, which is something I think

you should have with your partner. And definitely have a birthing plan, which we're gonna talk about our birthday plan on our next podcast, but have a birthing plan with your partner so that you're not caught off guard like Codina and I were caught off guard in that moment. So I come in there. They decide they're gonna give it the epidule. They're like, hey, Mr Ellis, you know you can stay. So of course I'm gonna stay. This

is my baby. I'm sitting there in front of her, and the lady goes, you want to sit down, and I'm like, well, I need to say. I got to too, so I'm good with needles. She put out the needle. The needle was like this big yo, like eight ft long bro. So instantly my legs get weak, right, So I'm like, ye know, I'm about to go to the bathroom. Codein grabs me right. She's like, You're not going nowhere, right, So I was like, I sounded like you look, you look me dead in my eyes. You look at me.

I was like, you ain't going out a damn place. I'm like, nope, not doing it. I was like, all right, so I'm gonna stay. So I was supposed to be holding her up, but realistically she was holding me up because I legit was about to pass out right. The lady takes the needle, she goes inside. Codein goes who like Michael Jackson, right, and then the lady pulls the

needle out, and I'm like, what happened? I literally felt like I was electrocuted, but only on the right side of my body, so like my left arm and leg jerked forward in an involuntary motion that I felt like I got shot. So she clearly hit some sort of nerves, the nerve. So then she goes, you moved, you moved, and I was like, she didn't move. She didn't move until after you pulled the freaking needle out, right. But he's like, you stop moving, Like she was very harsh,

so you must stop moving, you must stop moving. So out I went from being like like nervous and feeling queasy to get in real mad. Like I was like real, real mad. Right, So now I'm not even holding cadein anymore. I got my hands down on the bed and I'm just watching the lady because I'm just watching what she's doing. So she goes in again, and the Codeine is sitting there and she's holding my holding my arms in my shirt.

I got my my arms on the bed and then Codeine goes again, and I see Codeine like clench up again, and lady pulls it out and she's like, tell her stop moving, and I'm like, yo, she's not moving, like you don't know what you're doing. So now me and her are having this little back and forth and codeans like about please about please, about please. So I'm not saying anything. I'm sitting there. The lady goes in for a third time and finally gets the needle in. Right

at this point, I asked you how she feels. She actually feels fine, but she said she felt like some tingling in your leg. Yeah, well at that point once it was in, I don't know. Again, I didn't know what to expect her what you feel. So I did start to feel a little bit of tingling, a little bit of numbness, But then I also still felt pressure as I began to progress in it, so feeling the pressure, I still felt a little pain. So I feel like I kind of just got a botched epidural job, like

it didn't see what it was supposed to do. It wasn't giving what it was supposed to give, and she didn't understand the assignment clearly. And I think it's important for parents to know that you could ask questions prior to it. What should I feel during this epidural? What are the best practices, what are the red flags? What to look for, what not to look for? Absolutely, before you get any procedure done to you, you should know.

And we didn't educate ourselves. We we really didn't have that conversation, which to us was a ball drop on our part. That wasn't anyone else's ball drop, but that was our ball were young parents, for sure. So time goes on, and as time goes on, the night turns into daytime. It's about nine, nine thirty in the morning. I forgot what Tim Jackson was born, but it is not in the morning. I still remember nine times. I know you remember times. I'm pretty sure you would. It's

not thirty in the morning. The Dodgs like, hey, you know what I'm saying. This is gonna take some time. I'm gonna go get some breakfast. Codine was telling me that she did not feel good. She was just like, I feel like I feel like something's coming coming. That's what she kept saying to me. I feel like something's coming, baby. And I was just like, all right, well, let me get the doctors. She's like, oh, I'm gonna grab a coffee, I said, doc. She says, she feels like something coming.

She's like her first baby. You know it's gonna take time. I went back in the in the thing. All I seen was here coming out, and I was like, oh, and it feels like I feel like I should push. I feel like I should push. Your Coadine was pushing at times, and then I guess the contraction wasn't supposed to be coming. So I called the durst, I said, nurse, nurse, nurse, I see the baby. Jackson is crowning now, right, Kaye pushes one time, half his head is out. Then the

doctor comes flying in. Right, didn't get a chance to get the coffee. She's like, okay, then okay, you're gonna push one more time. You're gonna push one more time because he's like when when? When? When? When? And then um the doctor was looking at the contraction made Kaye pushes, Jackson comes out bound. Jackson was born with a club foot five months agram we knew. So they saw him with the club foot. They immediately took him to the

orthopedic surgeon to fit him for his cast. Because he had to put the cast, and then it was just me codein and her mom in the room. Her mom walks out, I'm like, hey, babe, how are you feeling. How you're feeling? Codine is looking starting to look a little flush and then look a little great, like you see this golden brownness this point, I don't have. This golden browness was not golden brown. It was looking like this, like a slab of slate. So I'm like, baby, are

and she's like, I'm just kind of tired. So then I stepped from up top to go down to see if everything was okay down there, because I know that you had at least check down there to see that everything. That's awfully brave of you, because most men don't want to see down there because they don't know if it's gonna go back to them. Well, it's a good thing that I did, because I went down there and it was like Texas chains all Mexica, like it was just blood. Was just she out like when I was like, my

is this supposed to look like this? Now? Her mom had three kids. My mom had three kids. Her mom directive nursing. Her mom came down and said, um, no, calls for the nurse, calls for the nurse, calls for the doctor. The nurse comes in, the nurse calls for the doctor. They all run in now, and when they run in, they're like prep the o R. They start looking inside of her, and I'm asking questions. I'm like, what's happening, what's happening, what's happening. At this point, they

will cadine away and I kept asking what's happening? And then I don't remember anything after that, and that's what my mom. I don't remember much after that either. Yeah, my mom was just like they had to calm me down, sit me down, and then connine went to surgery for

four hours. So my case was very rare. Um what must have happened along the way, but just only what we can deduce now after I spoke to my doctor when it happens is that, um, I might have my body might have been pushing, or I might have been shame when I wasn't supposed to, but it was hard to tell because the epidural didn't really give me a sign of that, and I tore internally, which I didn't

even know was a thing. So most women will have to have what they call in a psotomy where they have to cut you at the bottom or you may tear. I tore internally, so my servix is what tour so to repair that. It was kind of like, even just thinking about it now, I'm just like, how do they even get in there to do that? You know? Um? So I do remember going into the o r um again, very cold, sterile room. But my doctor, who I absolutely loved to this day, she was like, don't worry about it.

Everything's gonna be fine. The anaesthesiologist was just like, hey, you haven't had a cocktail in a while, what's your favorite drink? Ha ha ha, you know, trying to give me a little concoction to put me out. But I do remember my two legs being up in these stirrups. I kind of felt like I was in like a like a meat shop, you know, when they hang cows from their feet and stuff like that to drink the blood that was me. I was the cow, um And

I remember just being there. And then the last thing I remember was a team of like student doctors coming in. There was like at least to ten of them, and I guess it was because my case was so rare. How I tour that they wanted to maybe, you know, show them what to do in this case, watch and learn. Um. So yeah, it was a situation that in the moment, I guess I didn't understand the severity of it. But coming out of it, UM, I remember waking up by

myself on a cot with internally in my cervix. Um, I was like, put two more of a good measure, you know, just just okay, you know, um. And then I didn't get to see Jackson or you for like it was about like five six hours. I think that I didn't get to see y'all because I had to have the surgery and then recover and then come out of recovery to see him. Um. So it was a minute.

It was. It was a very scario. I remember when when they were willing you away, thinking it's just going to be one of those times when I have my son, but then I lose my wife, Like that was the first thing going through my mom and then I seriously, well, no, that's how I felt coming out, because I don't even remember being mad. And then I don't remember much after that, which is like funny to me because I've never blacked out an anger blacked out, but I remember being extremely tied.

I couldn't sleep that night because I was up with you. I pretty much watched you sleep the whole night, and my mom said they had to really calm me down and sit me down. And then I remember coming out thinking, am I going to see my wife again? When all the time, particularly black women going in to have a baby and husbands are significant others leaving with just the baby. This is important for men to understand about being an

advocate for your wife, right. And this is why I speak so much about um um infant mortality rates as well as maternity mentality rates, because if I don't go down there and check and say, hey, this doesn't look right, no one would have noticed, you know, because everyone was focused on Jackson at the time, as they should have been, but no one even check to see if Cadeen was

all right after the baby came out. So if I don't say nothing and I run after Jackson as well, and I'm not an advocate for you, I'm not constantly checking, who knows what happens if I leave the room and you're just sitting there because you were minutes away from needing a full blood transfusion, which means you were losing

blood a lot. And after that whole ordeal and finally coming out of it and and getting a chance to see you with Jackson and you and I remember I remember saying this, I'm not having any more understanding, like I have my son and I have my wife. I am good. And we had made a decision. I think subconsciously that's why there was a five year gap between Jackson and Cairo. Yeah, in retrospect, I think until too, because I always said I didn't want to have big

gaps between kids. I was like, I want to have my kids kind of back to back, get it done, and then here we are. But that was it was scary. It was scary, and it wasn't It wasn't a great process for us, and it wasn't something it was memorable for all the wrong reasons, you know, But it wasn't something that made me be like, I can guess I

can do this again, right. But I mean that was a learning experience for us because then it taught us the next time around that what we needed to do was do a little bit more research, which we did um when time came for Cairo, because we're like, all right, let's see how we can how I can potentially labor at home as long as possible so that I'm not tempted if labor were to start naturally, that I may not be tempted to want to have any kind of payment intervention, and I might want to just try to

do this naturally. And you and I and at this point we had a full birthing plant, like Codeine was pregnant. She and I said, this is what this is what we're going to do. We're going to labor at home. Now. Once again, we thought we had three more weeks to prepare because we didn't have a crib, we didn't have the best in then our apartment was being renovated, and the apartment renovation was supposed to be done about a

week prior to you going in labor. So even though we had a plan, we still you know, God has a way of looking at your plan and then laughing like you don't. So we you know, at the time, we were like, we're gonna We're gonna labor at home, which means we're not going to go to the hospital until the very very last minute. This way, they can't tempt us with getting the upper door and we'll deal with the pain at home. So I was watching a

ton of documentaries. I was also way more active to remember when Cairo, So at this point I was pretty much freelancing as a makeup artistle. I wasn't working retail anymore where I had those rigorous retail hours. I was able to create my own schedule, so that way I was able to really incorporate taking care of myself. So I was spinning up until I was thirty five weeks, I want to say with Cairo um and I felt like I was really in the best shape of my

life and pregnant at the same time. So that's helpful. You were you were putting the work in and that's the best part about our transition and why we like to talk about this because we have three different birthing experiences. So when people ask us about hospital births, we can talk to you about hospital births. If they ask us about home births, we can talk to you about home births. If they asked us about an epidural, we can give

you our experience. We also did a natural hospital birth, and with Cairo, I remember reading these documents, documents, watching these documentaries and reading all these different articles and the biggest thing was pain management and constant movement during labor. So when cage water broke that morning, we didn't panic. We were staying at my parents house. Her water broke, she immediately said, we're going to do the first six hours as if I would do a normal day. So

she went and took Jackson to school. That's what my doctor said. She was like, give us some time in about six hours coming and I'm like, okay, I could do that. She took Jackson to school, her and Sakari Um. I still went to work. I still had clients to take um After I think about the three hour market was about nine o'clock. I met her at my parents house. So after we met at my parents house, she went for makeup, and my son is about to meet me

looking cute. And the funny thing is we had done our last maternity shoot with Josh the day before that, so I had a whole we even I was feeling cute. I was like, okay, this is the thought to be popping. Then she was like, I was like, you know what, let's go back to the apartment. Let's do some shopping. After we do some shopping, We're gonna put snack. We did. We did because I'm like, this is not going to happen soon, you know, and think about it. This is

not an induction. My first pregnancy was an induction. So I'm like riding the wave. And at this point, I'm having contractions, but in my mind, I guess they're bearable for me, you know, And I turned. I came to find out I'm a g I had no idea I did. I felt my pain tolerance was really low, um, but apparently not because the contractions were coming periodically. We were timing them and stuff, and you know, I kind of had a time in my mind. I think the doctors

had to come around one o'clock. So I'm like, all right, well, you know what. My water had broken with Cairo. It was like quarter to seven, quarter to seven, and I got to get Jackson ready for school. So it was just kind of like all right, going through the day. I'm like, if we're going to be in the hospital, Devout is the most snack and ass person I know, so I was like, let me get him some snacks.

You know, you'd be snagging, So I was I'm gonna get him some SESSI I'm still thinking about you even when I'm in labor. My water broke. Yes, you're welcome, and so we got snacks and went back to the apartment. We had to get the car seat, like all that stuff was still there. Um and then I'll until the mucus plug came out. The mucus plug came out before that was out early. It was a drop. So there's a moment. There's a moment in labor, right y'all where

you know you're getting these contractions. They come, they go, they come, they go, But there's a moment when I'm assuming this is when the baby's head fully like drops into your SERVEX. And at that moment was when I knew. I thought, Lord, labor was beginning. At this point, I was like, Oh, this is what they talk about. This is that moment that women being there screaming, throwing it fit, throwing their husband's out. I'm like, this is the moment,

this is it. She was perfectly fine. She was walking to the incinerator. Your mother was like, guys, I think you know you know her mom and she's like, guys, guys, mom was nervous. She was like, so we're all acting like we know what we're doing. We prose, you know, we're just like we're like, yo, mon chill. Me and Tristan like your mother always panicking. And all we heard was and then Tristan looked at me. I looked at him just I was like, I think we need to

go to the hop. You know. I'll run outside to see k k is holding her stomach and she looking at me. Yeah, and she like, I don't know what happened. But so now I'm like, all right, let's go, let's go, k K mom grab the keys. Tristan grabbed his keys. We like me and Kate shuffling to ship into the to the elevator because every two steps she was screaming. So I'm holding her stomach this point, the contractions were like I'm holding her, I'm holding her stomach and I'm

holding her lower back. She got her arm around my neck and in my face every time she screaming, and the whole way I'm walking through the car liked. Then I get in the car and I try to put her in the car and try to let go, and she would not let go of my face. So now I'm like, you gotta let go on my face. So I could drive the car, so she let go on my face. I closed the door. I get into the car, and the driverside to may not get in. The driverside hands faith and around my neck. She held my neck

in my face. And this video evidence the whole entire time she held my neck in my face. I was driving with eyes, with fingers in my pupils and everything. I'm taking everything. It was like a movie on those things where we're on our way. Now we know that the hospitals like ten minutes away, but she gets stuck behind it access the ride truck. You know, that's like putting down the putting down the part of the part

that the wheelchair goes in. It was. It was like then it's like a school bus, you know, trying to get from the Crown Heights to Park Slope. Y'all know what that's like. If you're from Brooklyn, you know what that is. Kay's mom is in the back, so car is in the back, scarring. Never had no baby before ever, Right, it's a card in the bank. He's a nursing training. Purse your lips and blame. Purse your lips and blow that. My mom is like, okay, honey, don't think about it, okay,

don't think about it. I'm like, don't think about what this is ad the fact that I am about to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lime, that's what's going through my mind. So clearly I'm thinking about it. Okay. So Devo pulls into the remember that she was moaning in the car, uh, and I feel like you wanted to tell everybody to shut the hell up, but you we

have no energies. I was just quiet. I was dealing with the fingers in my ears and my eyes whips into the emergency sections and my sister runs out and she's like, I need a wheelchair. So DEVI was like, hey, I'm gonna part the car. I'll be right upstairs. That's a devil, will not leave me, said, because the way I'm feeling right now, this this is, this is not gonna go well. The baby's gonna be here any minute now.

And at this point, I'm literally feeling as though I'm sitting on his head, like there's just something, there's the pressure, and I don't know if it was pressure or his head, but find out, lady, it was his head, because I literally he was crowning at this point. Um so my sister, you know, I get shuffle kind of from the side of the chair in the car to the wheelchair. My sister takes me upstairs and de valcoes to park the car, which I told him not to do. I said, leave

that bitch right there by a hydrant. Do what you gotta do. Get the ticket. Get told I don't care, you're going to miss this. I should have listened at the time. I still thought you had time. But um I went to park the card. It was a whole ordeal. They're the guy that the park intendant was. I was like, I'm having a baby and having a baby. He was like, everybody here is having babies. You wanted to fight him too. He's like, I want to fight the dual lady. I

wanted to fight him. So then the lady from him that he's go in front of me. He's walking around the car super slow. I'm like, bro, bro. So then he gives me the ticket. I run to the elevator and he's just like, you might as well take the stairs. The elevator takes a while, so I run from the bottom floor in the parking garage all the way up four flights of stairs to get to the top of the door. Door locked. Now I gotta run all the way back down I go. And while I run down,

i'm running down, I'm looking right at him. As soon as I get doing with this baby, I'll come back and funk you up. So when I get to the elevator, push the elevator button. The elevator goes all the way up. Get to the hospital elevator. The hospital elevator doors is like crazy wine, right, And it seems as if every time it was about to close, somebody stuck their hand. It was like and the door opened back up and they like wheeled somebody from a wheelchair in and they

were on the fourth floor. So that happened like every floor, second floor, third floor was get to the triage center, but before that. So now I'm in triage. They want to know my name, my insurance and all that. I can't speak to you right now regarding that. They want to examine me. So I get onto the you know, the bed and triage. And at this point I'm like telling myself, kidding, if you open your legs, this baby might just fly out. And Devot is going to miss it.

So this whole time, I'm thinking about you again. Baby, I'm like, I don't want to vot to miss this birth. So what do I do. I completely get into like a fetal position, and I faced the wall and I'm just holding my stomach and just ignoring everybody at this point, defying all the laws of childbirth, defying everything, and to the point where the doctor has to ask my sister if I need a translator for sign language because he

thought I was hard of hearing. He thought that I was ignoring him so heavy that he thought I was dead, you know, and I'm just an any who. So so at this point, so at this point, all I'm thinking to myself. So my sisters on the phone with Devout and she's like you have to come now, like you have to get here now. This is when I'm in the literally, So it's to the point where I think the doctor was over me and he was like I

have to examine this woman. Um, and the nurse grabs one of my knees and pull was my leg open and Cayro literally shot right out like like pushed the eject button and he came out like I didn't have to do anything. More that was it. I think me holding my legs closed, which keep him in, And then that's exactly that's exactly why the way he self ejected out of my body into this world with such a figure and such a life and determination, not waiting for

devot or anybody. Uh, y'all can't keep me in the box. That was literally Cairo's motte coming out. Y'all can't keep me in the box, keep me in the literal box. Landed on the table. The doctor didn't even get to like like hold him out. He just kind of fell out on the table, and I kid you not. Thirty seconds later rolls in he was like, are you kidding me? Are you? I just missed it? And then I went

to go. I literally went to run back to go beat up, and Sokari grabs me and I was just like, no, come inside, coming out, and I see Cairo and I see k and and Cairo's in the corner, I mean, is in the corner. Cried. That was her first time witnessing all of that. I told the car bro I told you what was happening was bad, but it was amazing.

How after that experience, so you think about after I had Jackson being completely out of it, drugged up, not knowing what's going on, have a very vague memory about what happened, Whereas with Cairo, I remember us being in the triage bed, being transferred over to a gurney, going into an actual room, delivering the placenta. Everyone's checking out Cairo. You actually did a video like within maybe twenty minutes

of having Cairo. I was alert, he was alert, we were all just like it was almost like one of those things where when the minute the pain stopped and the baby was out stack to normal, had this baby at home literally this week. I just say it at home and had this baby, and that's exactly what the damn hospital bills. And having a baby, and I'm like, I had the baby. Nobody delivered that baby. I had it.

But then this doctor someone so you know, in the hospital, everybody comes to see you, everybody makes a cameo, and then you get billed. I didn't need so much as a motron after Cairo. And then and when we refused all of the medication, you know what they did, they were like they were like, since you good. I'm like, yep, I'm actually good. Didn't need so much as a moron. So I was like, you know what, baby, next time we do the baby at home, we're doing at home.

So that's the evolution of how we got to home birthing because we tried the hospital twice, once with eaduro, once without it, and we found out we were better without it, right right right, And I mean it just was one of those things where I just had a real trust in my body at that point, and I had a confidence in myself, like I totally had a chip on my shoulder, had a little bit of swag

going into it, like you know. And this is completely not disregarding hospital experience or doctors in general, because they're very necessary. Y'all went to school for mad years because you know a lot of stuff that we don't. UM, but you O b G. I am before who I

absolutely love and adore UM. I was going to her for years, UM since Jackson, and she literally gave me her blessing and said, getting, you know what, if I had to pick somebody for a textbook pregnancy and labor and delivery, and this is what you want to do, I fully support you UM in that. She said, call me, text me when the baby's here, let me know how

it goes. So that made me feel even better about it because sometimes you know there could be a little bit of attention or a little bit of a debate between doctors and midwives and how they move UM. So yeah, the hospitals are very necessary for some people who can't deliver at home or can't be under a midwives care because they have whatever pre existing conditions. So that's something that's when a case by case spaces. Always make sure to tell people, do your research, know your history, and

consult with somebody first. But and if you don't want to do hospitals or home, they have birth and centers. There's a bunch of different options depending on what your your lifestyle is, depending on what you want to do. For Codeine and I, it was important, especially after having Cairo, to be able to document the process because we wanted to document doing a natural birth and we knew we

couldn't document anything in the hospital. So having a home birth for us was also important because we get a chance to document um and get to have a testimony of what we've been what we went through during that process. Because it was it was important for both of us, especially after experiencing the first labor was to show people what the labor process was like. And we we both made a decision to to sit down, and that was part of our preparing for labor moments was we wanted

to document. We wanted to have these moments for our boys, for but for ourselves, but also for people who don't know what it's like to give birth so they can see it and be like, oh, this is what I need to write, or this is an option too, Like so many people don't understand that this is an option that they have. And I'll tell you about all the side eyes that I got, you know, with people looking at me like are you crazy? Like why would you

have a baby at home? Who does that? Nowadays? Like we're just so conditioned to believe that it's a medical situation or a medical emergency to give birth or bring forth life, whereas is something that the body tends to naturally do on its own. Um again in case by case, But after having the two experiences that I had, I was like, you know what, this might be a route

that we want to try. And I'm so happy we did that because I always said if I were to have another baby, I would definitely want to go to home birth route and here we are, and I think it's like you said once again, it's always important to say, whatever decision you make, you must consult, consult your primary care physician, your O, B, G, y N. And have constant discussions throughout the pregnancy process because things can change in the heartbeating. You have to know, hey, is this

even safe for us to do anymore. The biggest thing about preparing for labor um that Codeine and I are going to constantly implore us to have constant conversations but comfort and constant movement, and we're going to do a whole episode on the birthing process. So that's why we're not talking too much about it. But when it came time for us to prepare for labor, it was, it was. It was a fun, a fun time. Yeah, definitely, and

I'm looking forward to this time. So let's take a quick break and then we come back to your favorite party. Shown still knows you, she pregnant, She still knows you. But we're gonna take a quick You notice I've been holding my teacup this whole time because I can't quite leave fullard to table. I would put it down. We'll be back. All right, guys, we're back to Conn's favorite part of the show. Listen letters. I ain't gonna lie.

This is my favorite party show too. I can't know at this point, we know I've been put it on me is fine, but I'll go ahead and read the first one. Ready. All right, hey, y'all. First, I'd like to say I absolutely love you guys and your family. Thank you. Now onto the Shenanigans, because you know I love Shenanigans. Tell me tell me. I am twenty eight and my husband is thirty. We've been married for two years,

but have been together for twelve years now. The first nine years of our relationship, I worked to pay the bills and held us down while he became a quote unquote entrepreneur. Should never happened, she said in a parentheses. During this time, we had a daughter and I became diagnosed with an illness that took a toll on my body, and needless to say, I was unable to perform the way I used to, and well, he cheated. I took him back because of our daughter, and he pleaded that

he would never it would never happen again. Blah blah blah. Okay, fast forward to today. I just gave birth to our second daughter, and we are now foster and we now foster his nephew. I was laid off from my job because of COVID and now he is primarily taking care of the bills, well his bills, I should say. Along with having a baby, I became sick again, and well he cheated again. I've been struggling with postpartum depression, this illness, and now all my emotions with him cheating. My question

is how do I get back to myself? And although he claims to be quote unquote all in, how do I let it go? Oh? How do I let go? Is it selfish of me not to think of my not to think of my girls first? Do I stay and work through it? Or is this a never ending cycle? Do men change? Please help? Signed a mad black woman? Yikes, damn sis listen. I'm I'm never wanted to be the bearer of bad news. I believe that all people have the ability to change if they want to change. You

see what I'm saying. But based on her story, it seems like he's a user. She was She was just working the whole entire time while he was being an entrepreneur. Entrepreneurs ship never happens. I've heard that story. We've heard that story before. Um, then she got sick, he cheated, She got sick again, he cheated. It seems as if as long as things are convenient for him, he's all in, and the minute things are not convenient, then he's out. That don't sound to me like somebody who wants to

be in a relationship. It sounds like someone who's in a relationship for convenience. And we've seen that from a lot of people like I. That breaks my heart, you know what I'm saying that that that really does break my heart right because yeah, when she's at her lowest points is when he's he's out right. Yeah, And that's like, that's not cool at all, especially how the postpartum depression

hits of that. First of all, you know, I've been quote as being a misogynist and sexist because of mine thoughts. But any man who lets there, why I work for nine years while you try to build a business and take care all the bills? To me, it's corny. I'm sorry, that's just corny. Like you can you can build your business and work a job you don't have to just not work to build your business. I know that firsthand.

Like when I first retired from the NFL, I still work doing a job I didn't want to do, just to be able to have money come in while building my business. So I just hate that excuse that, you know, I couldn't do nothing. I was building my business. No, you can work this twenty four hours in a day. You just don't sleep. Yeah, man, you don't sleep. And then you get a woman pregnant. Wow, she's working and you're working on your business. That never happens, and she

gets sick, and then you cheat. That's fucking corny, like, like you gotta be accountable. Story that was my friend. If that was my friend, like my homeboy would have been like, bro, you sound like a douche bag. Bro, Like that's the extreme level of boyness. And I don't I don't like to judge people, but I can only just tell you what my thought processes is based on.

You know what I'm saying. And maybe I'm old school for thinking that you should still pay the bills while you're building your business, but I said, I'm just not going to ever change that. And it's a perfect example how she has a baby and get six she can't work no more now with a family. You see what I'm saying. He never ever has to worry about his

body changing while getting pregnant. That's why, in my mind, it's always important if you're going to lay down with a woman and possibly get her pregnant, you have to have your finances in order because anything can change in her body, especially having a baby. That's why I think that almost planned to have the woman not returned to work first, you know what I mean. Or she returns on her terms, you know what I'm saying, like and and it could be you can call me a massage.

This is what sexist all you want, but I don't care. A woman dedicates her body to giving you a child or giving you guys a child, and then has to be forced to go back to work in the best in six weeks time. You're only in your own but it's the truth though, You're you're only to cool sacrifice a contribution during the pregnancy process to make sure that everything is taken care of as a man. If that's sexist,

if that's massagistic, I'll be that till I die. But for you to do that to your girl, and then she because she got sick. That's corny, right, and she has to if it's selfish for her to not think of for girls first, I think you would be thinking of your girls first if you're in a situation where you're removing yourself for your own happiness and your own sanity,

and I'm sure it's not a happy household. If your children are experiencing you being depressed or having to to deal with is it selfish to not think of for girls first. I think she's thinking about herself. Oh yeah, no, it's not yeah exactly, that's not well, yeah, that's kind

of what I meant. Um No, I think you should think of how you feel first, because if you're happy, in turn, are agree you have to take care of you know, self preservation is important because if you're not happy that the girls are going to see that and you don't want them to grow up and hopefully you can find a way to co parent. All right, good luck to you Sis number two. Hello Codeine and Devoured. First off, I'm a huge fan of yours. I've been married to my husband for a year now. We have

three children together. My oldest is now seven years old, and I had my son last year in July. Congratulations Mama. I found out I was pregnant with number three when my youngest was only seven months old. My pregnancy with my son was very difficult. I was sick the entire nine months. I had gestational diabetes. He was about three pounds overweight throughout my entire pregnancy, and sometimes it was even hard for me to walk. So as you can imagine, I was relieved when I finally got my body back

when he was born. When I found out I was pregnant again just seven months later, damn, you'll be getting it in um. I was really depressed and considered an abortion many times, and to be honest, if it wasn't for my sisters and my mother talking me out of it,

I probably would have gotten the abortion. Not because I didn't want to have a third baby, but because my son is a big handful and I just couldn't see myself being pregnant while taking care of such a young boy who never sits still and literally will touch anything he can reach and makes one thousand message throughout the day not to miss me. Doesn't listen to me or ship or ship, So if I say stopped, don't touch

that give it to me. It doesn't work, so I have to get my pregnant off the couch and chase behind him every pretty much all day to keep him from getting into things. Dealing with that while trying to fight pregnancy fatigue has been a nightmare. My husband is definitely a huge help, but he works full time so that I don't have to, so the days when he's working and I'm home alone with the children are miserable

from me. On top of that, my oldest is developmentally delayed, and it's still almost depending on me and her dad just as much as the baby is. Wow. I have to wash her up, brush her teeth, tie her shoes, et cetera. There's very little she knows how to do on her own. I see you too with your boys, and you both seem so infatuated with them, and I sometimes wonder why I don't feel that way with my children. Um. I don't get happy when I see them, I don't

miss them when they're gone. I really don't enjoy spending time with either of them. And I know it sounds bad, but having my children around means nothing is going to go smoothly. It never does, which is why I value the little breaks I get. I guess my real concern is that I'll end up not being close to my children as to grow up, because they're causing me so much stress right now. All this may just be a pregnancy home almost talking. But I know Codeine and Cairo

and Cass backs back. Oh, I know Codein had Kiro and cats back to back. And I'm just wondering if you guys ever felt the way I do now, or if things will ever get better again. I love my children, but these last couple of years have been a really dark time for me. Any advice? Wow, you know what's funny. I think we spoke recently about a mother that I spoke to recently that was just like, of course you have to throw out there, I love my children to death.

But had I known, yes, because you never wanted to be misconstrued as like, oh damn, you know my kids, like we don't care about them. Of course you do. But it's just like, had I known everything that was going to go into being a mom or into parenting, than I would have really reassessed if this was the route that I want it to go. Um, And I understand, I understand with Cairo and Katz. They were back to back.

That was challenging for us. Um what you hear about a lot of people who have children back to back in a short amount of time, because it's that two under two or that two under three or three under three, Um, that can get to be very stressful. UM. I think what saved us um is having well you who are at the time was an entrepreneur as well, so having a flexible schedule to be able to jump in and out when needed, and being a super involved dad, which

you still are to this day. Which she said her husband wants to work full times and all the bills so it's kind of everything is on her, you know, Um, and the stay at home mom doesn't always get the respect you know, or the acknowledgement that they deserve, knowing that they have to always be on, like there's never really a time to clock out. So I think that feeling of guilt that you feel where you're just like, man, I don't know if this is like I'm cool with

my break. You should be able to be okay with a break for example, like everybody needs that you need that time to refresh. I think that also saved us was having our village around us. I want to ask her, I know your mom and your sister is convinced you not to have the abortion. Are your mom's and your sisters around to help you know? Are they able to kind of take maybe one child? You said your son

is a lot to do with. Are they able to take him for a couple of hours so you can focus on your older daughter who may need more help, or is there anyone that you can kind of, you know, tag in that you can get some time to yourself. That's very, very important in general, regardless of the space between your children, regardless of how many children, that time

is necessary. What I think the first thing is we have to normalize women being able to to vocalize how they feel about things and not being judged by other people, especially people who don't experience what they experienced. For example, a mom has to say I love my children before she says how she feels, because typically it's people without children who will criticize. Is how can you say that you blessed to have children until you have children and

understand what that feeling is like. You should not the size or judge someone for having emotions that you've never felt. Before because you've never experienced it. That's number one. Number two, feeling those feelings is typically part of hormones number one. But when you're postpartum and prenatal at the same time, because that you you you go from one extreme hormonal situation to dealing with sleep deprivation, which also causes a lot of changes in your mental capacity. Then on top

of that, being pregnant again. Yes, you're gonna feel overwhelmed. Is it okay for you to film overwhelmed? Absolutely? Are your kids going to be annoying? Listen? Look, I mean, look right in the camera. All right, Look, kids are fucking annoying. Bro, They're annoying. You want to know why, because we as parents expect them to see the world through our lens, right, And that's not their problem, that's

our problem. So they annoy us because they don't they're not prepared to do the things that we expect them to be able to do at whatever it age we expect them to be able to do. It is it is it? Is it something wrong with the kids? No, but that doesn't mean it doesn't annoy you as a parent, especially if you have multiple you have a child is delayed, right, so you still have to brush your teeth. She has her child with seven, brush your teeth, wash your clothes.

You have a one year old who was being a one year old, run around not listening, and you're pregnant by yourself. That's gonna annoy anybody. So Mama, don't don't sit here and feel like you're the worst mom in the world and you're a bad parent. No, these feelings that you're feeling are normal. What you have to do

is be solution oriented. For me, I knew it would be in my best interests, even though it wasn't the easiest at time to move Kay's grandma in and have Kay's mom over to help while we had the two under two, you know, because you know, people say you don't really want to live with your in laws. I lived with my grandmother in law and at some point my mother in law, and it was the best decision I ever made because it allowed my wife to get

a break, It allowed me to get a break. I was still working fourteen now was just like he is, so when you come home from working fourteen hours, you don't want to jump right in and have to juggle two kids. And then we had Jack because it's usually the handoff that happens. At that point. It's like, I've been with these kids all day. Don't even look at me. I need a shower, I need a break, I need a cigarette, I need whatever your thing is. Do people

smoke cigarettes? I don't know, but I need something. But if you was pregnant smoking a cigarette? But but no, but I feel you because then then it's this is what happens. Well, who's being selfish? You've been with the kids all day. I've been at work all day. The minute I come home, you want to hand the kids off for me to get a break. But I want to at least take a break from being at work.

So then it becomes this situation is annoying. Then it becomes a whole marital situation, right, and that happens, and you don't even want to deal with that that that happens. But if you lean on your village and you and I tell us to all these dudes, man, we were having a conversation with um. I don't want to I don't want to out them. But people who are close to us, and they're like, I don't know if I want my mother in law to live with me and I was like, bro, let me explain something to you.

If you have as many hands on deck as possible when that child first gets here, the sooner you will be able to get your relationship back, and you'll be able to find a sense of peace to navigate within this new family dynamic. Like that's that is the truth. You may think I don't want it because I want to be able to handle everything, But bro, it's the best thing you can ever do is rely on your village. And like you said, well, Kay asked your mom and

your sisters convince you where they at though? Where they at though? Is the question? Well we know where y'all can find us at. And that's that dead as dead. Ask advice at gmail dot com. If you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email us D E A D A S S A D V I C E because sometimes I'll be forgetting the e at gmail dot com. All right, MO, the truth time, and with the truth time, I got a very simple moment of truth. There's no amount of over preparing you

can do for delivery or labor. There's no you you have to read as many books, watch as many documentaries, but most importantly, gentlemen, listen to your partner, be an advocate for her when she's going through the process. The large part of the information you can get, you're gonna get from this woman right here and this little person inside. They're gonna let you know how they're feeling and what's

going on. And it's your responsibility to let everyone else in that room, doctors, attorneys, mothers, let them know what she needs. So prepare, prepare, prepare, absolutely, And it kind of spirals into mind I pretty much was gonna say, make sure you do your due diligence, regardless of what route you decide to take, regardless of you know what people are saying about what you should do. You know yourself best, make sure you have a plan, make sure

you research and whatever that is. Also keep in mind that it may have to change or shift, because that's how pregnancy and labor and delivery is. At any moment, something can just completely throw that birthing plant out the window and you gotta roll with the punches. But if you've got a good, good person next to you, if you got your person next to you, um, everything will be all right, right. I love that love you, ellis love your Ellis, So be sure to find us on

social media, y'all. Um the Instagram page. I see people are engaging there now, which is nice um and that's dead Ass the podcast. So find us on Instagram there and you can always find me Kadina I am and you know where to find me. I am devout And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate,

review and subscribe as. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the podcasts and never miss a thing I