Peace Over Pressure

I'll make you need therby most days. Wow. Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about. Do the lens of a millennium married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We about to take pillows

off to a whole new level. Dead as starts right now. This story time is going to take us back to before marriage. Even though you know, I wanted to talk about peace and marriage, but this story time in particular takes us back to when I knew that you were the one person in the world that brought me peace. This was two thousand and seven, two thousand no, no no, no, no. This is two thousand and six, my rookie year in the NFL, and this is the first time I had

been away from my family. I had been away from you four months at a time because I was a free agent trial for the Detroit Lions. And the first preseason game I played, okay, I had two solo tackles. I didn't get a lot of opportunity because I was a free agent. Of course you don't get a lot of opportunity. But now in this second preseason game, Eddie Drummond, who was the starting point return and kick return at the time, was just like, Oh, I'm a growing it's

hurting me. I don't really want to return. And they were just like, Yola's here's your opportunity. You're gonna start punt return, kick return this day. And we were playing the Cleveland Browns. And on this day, you had flew in the second preseason game. You had flew in prior to that week of practice to spend a week with me, and I was so nervous going into this week of practice because I had never returned punts and kicks as

a starter in college. I was a number one receiver in college, so they kept your away from special teams because they didn't want you to be injured. I returned kicks in college when they needed someone to make a playdate with throw me back then, like you devout, can you get us past a fifty? So yeah, it was just they would do that. But I was never a starting point return kick returner, right, so now they're asking me to return punts and kicks in the NFL. I

was nervous. Kadeen gets there on that. I think Tuesday, the day I have off, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday were the best practices I had ever had at the Detroit Lions at that point. And part of it was because my focus wasn't solely on practice. I knew that my baby was back home. I was thinking about finally having a reprieve when I got back to my hotel room because at the time, when we were in camp, you're

not allowed to bring people to the hotel room. So Kadean had got an extended stay and I used to just go in there and leave. That had to be back for curfew, but that's all my mind was on. But that allowed me a place of peace amongst all the chaos at practice. And having that little bit of reprieve helped me because number two, I was finally eating dinners during my breaks for the two days we would meet up and have lunch, and it just really meant a lot to me that someone could be my sense

of peace amongst everything that was going on. And it was at that time I'll never forget. It was two thousand and six, that summer that I was just like, this is what it must feel like to have a wife at home. This is my piece. It was just playing playing adults for me. You know, we thought we were doing all the things, you know what I mean. I was being somebody's wife before my time. You were.

And what happened that preseason game? You ended up proposing No, no, no, not no, not the game, but I mean the game surely after that proposed After that game was the best preseason game I had. I ended up returning the kick, I ended up catching three passes, and finally the coach is like, yo, this kid can make plays. And I ended up making a team after that pretty much based

on that preseason. Let me tell you, baby, it was worth the blood, sweat and tears that I had to hear about from me me and I had to tell your girl at twenty something years old that I was moving to Michigan to be with my boot. Now on the perfect day, I knew that I can go you when that's not possible, bo totally, Can you stone the stone because I need some body who by me. I got allergy issues too. No, No, that's in the part. You could have sung because you're a little higher, but

you can't, so I jump I can. I appreciate you though through the good times and that time always always being right, suny days. Everybody loves them. Let me tell you you can't. Can you stay in the rain? I've listened because of you, I could stay in the range. Well, I mean there's a new addition. The original version there's the boys. Toman version was exactly exactly, but there was a base a bass singer and Voysment wasn't there. Yeah, forgot his name his name. All I know is that

you can't try to sing like wan ya. Have you went get a headache? Let's take a quick break, y'all. I want to go get some water, and uh, we're gonna move into the show, go back to story time. Yeah, I was about to say, let's go in to new listener letters. Look at me being nosy fast all right, back now, back back back from story time. I feel like we were each other's piece really really early on,

even prior to you being in Detroit. Just in general, like getting through college, it was such a different experience, I know, just for me at least, finally being away from home. And no, wait, I say that lightly because we were going back and forth for the most part between Half String and Brooklyn. It was like a forty five minute drive, so I never really felt like I was too far away from home. If I ever needed

to go, we went. But there was just like a sense of piece that I think we always had whenever we were together, regardless of where we were on campus. I had my own four walls that you were very much a part of. Yah, part of all your walls. I always stay setting myself up. But but yeah, it was almost like the sense of when the world could have literally been crumbling around us and we would not have noticed. I mean, the world has crumbled around us

a couple of times. When you think about the things that we've been through in our life, from the NFL getting cut, moving back, the recession, rebuilding, rebuilding, build more surgeriesgencies, emergency surgeries, after labor and delivery. Like, there's been a lot of times where it seemed like things were crumbling and we've been able to be each other's peace. But

let's let's talk a little bit about it. Because in an interview earlier this year, Steve Harvey gave credit to his wife for helping him create the career that he has today. You know, he said, the career that people see today, I can only tell you that it came from the peace she provided. Harvey said, it freed my mind up to become the creative that I wanted to be. How does peace in your marriage help you and your

personal goals and endeavors. It's a good one. I didn't actually see the interviewed you I did, That's part of it. I know that there was. It was. It was met with some praise some vitriol because some people felt as if he was taking shots at his ex wives and saying that, you know, he can't just credit this one woman for everything that he has, right, I guess because I guess the side of that that people would probably want to mention is that he's been working on his

career for a long time. But maybe it wasn't necessarily the most peaceful environment that he was having to work through this, So maybe that's why he's crediting his current wife, right, Marjorie, And I mean once again, I mean, this is his perspective of his life. You know, we we find out through social media that everyone has opinions about someone else's

perspective on their own life, their own life. Yes so, and in a lot of time, their opinions come are often projections of things that they've gone through in their own life. So it could have been a lot of people who's boyfriends went on and married someone else because they weren't peace and then you find out that, you know, oh oh so I wasn't his piece, and then it

has to be here's the reason why. Right. A lot of people were posting this interview and posting his comments, and a lot of women were upset saying, well, he was married four times, so he wasn't those women's peace either, which is fair, that's fair to say, But that doesn't mean that Marjorie shouldn't be credited as being his piece, right,

found it right? And peace goes both ways, right, So just because he credits his current wife doesn't mean that he's absolved of not being peace for his previous why right? And I think also too, the thing we should keep in mind is that peace probably looks different for everybody. Absolutely who were talking pre show like, peace can be

so many different things for so many different people. And I think tapping into your spouse's desired avenues of getting to pieces necessary rather than you trying to implement whatever

you think that peace should look like. And it's not really it, that is true, It's not really it that should Well, there was another woman who I think shortly after I forgot that the clip, but she had created a post that also went virals, saying that you know, all you women out here who are going out here to be quote unquote bad bitches saying you make six figures and saying you do this and you do that, are not realizing that a man that's looking for peace

doesn't need you to list the things that you've accomplished to be his piece. What if all the things you accomplished don't bring me peace to him? Yeah? And then she was met with backlash, and you know a lot of women were saying, well, does that mean that I can't have my own and be my own boss. In order to be a man's piece, I got to be his mama. But that's not necessarily needed to be the person's peace. Somebody to wash your drawers and clean your

you know, cook for you and things like that. That's not necessarily peace for a man either. So then, and that comes to what I wanted to discuss with you today is how do we get to a point where a man's piece is all put into a list of one thing, like all men require, this is the same thing for women, Like, there's no one list that a man has to require in order to meet a woman's peace. Are you sure that one thing ain't just sex? Wouldn't that bring me a lot of men peace if they

got sex consistently from their wives? No? No, because men find sex fairly often. If you're if you're a type of man who gets sex from women easily, I'm talking about a marriage, I mean, assuming that it's a monogamous, monogamous relationship. Is sex a good place to start? Nah? I don't think sex is a good place to start. I think sex is part of it, but I don't

think it's a good place to start. Maybe like that immediate tension reliever or that Nah, sex can't bring you peace, though sex, sex will relieve whatever's happening in that moment for a short period of time, right, That's what I'm saying, that moment, that right at that moment. But peace comes

from a totality of things, right. So for example, if you spend all the money, you can't cook, then you can't clean, you never home because you out your friends, or you never home because you're out making your own money.

But then the short amount of time you are home, you we just fucking that doesn't bring peace, you know what I'm saying, Like, there's so many other things that are involved in creating peace that I think that we as a society or trying to find what peace is for everyone by looking through one lens, and that fails for men and women because you hear men say all the time or in order to have great peace for a woman, all you need his money, which is not the case because there are a lot of rich men

whose wives have said I don't feel peace for here. I mean Bill Gates and his wife are getting a divorce, you know, And here's a man who has unlimited amounts of resources and his wife wasn't feeling at peace married to him. So it's not always money. You know. If you look at some of the most beautiful women in the world who have been cheated on, you know, you would think that sex cures everything. She's a beautiful woman. They must have great sex all the time she was

still cheating on. So it doesn't mean that sex cures everything for a man. I think that what we have to do as a people and start to realize that individuals require different things. And the minute you try to tell and make what that individual needs based on what you think everyone else is saying, is when you're gonna fail. You have to ask your partner absolutely what creates peace for them. You know you ain't gonna find it online, right,

you know? If I listen to social the worst place to start, y'all is really the worst place to start for sure. Well, we have seven ways to keep peace in your marriage. And this came from I believe triple said an article or a website. Yeah, I want to know what peace looks like for you as a woman before we even get to trying to keep the peace. What does peace look like? Peace looks like for me? So there's For me, I think peace is very synonymous with security, being able to feel like I can let

my guard down that I don't necessarily have to worry about. Certainly, you an't even talking about financial security or now you just security, just security in general. I mean, financial security does have a lot to do with it, because that does create a lot of stress in general for people, and that's man when in child like whoever. But for me in general, I think that peace looks really being protected. Yeah, yeah,

feeling protected, feeling safe, feeling taken care of. If I'm talking in relation to my spouse, being able to have the latitude to do the things that I'd like to do,

whether it's professionally personally. Having that support also brings me peace because I also feel like I have somebody who is on the same page as me, we can move in one accord, who will support me wholeheartedly and whatever those decisions are and look like those things for me are just peace where there's just there's no I mean I can't even say no disagreement because I think the disagreement sometimes it's necessary to get you to what it is we really want. But yeah, just a feeling taken

care of kind of sense is what I enjoy. Even when people talk about, for example, submitting to a man because you know he can be a leader, I have no problem doing that. And I find peace in leaning on my husband or empowering him to be the man and to be the one to head the household. And I'm okay taking you know, the supporting character role or following his lead because I know that you have it under control and there's a sense of piece that I

have with that. So I wanted I wanted to speak on and I appreciate you talking about that because that's also a big time topic when it comes to finding peace, because I think Cam Newton also said something that went crazy on Twitter when he was saying, like a lot of women come out here and the first thing when they go on a date is once again that he used a quote, and he said he's using a quote based on what they say, not on whatever he feels. But I'm a boss bitch. I don't need a man.

I don't need X y Z. And it's like, well cool, that's how people are leading on dates, right, and he's saying, but that's not what I'm looking for to be my piece, right, So that's what you want to do, that's fine, but that's not what I'm looking for it he said, you know, shut up, you know what I'm saying. But can you cook? Can you clean? That? He got for that, But there were also some women who I saw who were just like, I don't see what's wrong with him saying what he wants.

He wants peace, because then he can find someone who's willing to do that, because he's he's valued it over half a billion dollars. He's not necessarily looking for someone to be his financial partner, you know, so it's okay for him to say what he wants. And this was this was men and women saying that why is it every time a man says what they want or need for peace, women find fault with it. But women are allowed to create their lists, you know, And I think

that comes from that is fair. That is fair because but that also if you understand history and knowing that women have very rarely had the voice to speak about the things they want in their need in the history of life, that now women finally have a voice to say it, but they want to be vocal about it. So we can't just now say, well, it has to be even. No, it's not going to be even. You know, the tide is turning and we have to accept the

fact that the patriarchy is no longer controlling the narrative. Well, I can't understand. And what grinds my gears sometimes with social media is that we encourage people to be transparent, right, to be authentic, to speak your truth, to let people know how you really feel, and then when you do that, you're then met with so much you know, aggression from people. First date. If it does not speak to you, then

leave it alone. Because he has he's well within his right to say what it is he's looking for in a woman. It may not be useless, it may not be useless, but since over here is probably like you know what, I'm cool with that because I don't mind cooking and cleaning and cater into a man because that's what will fulfill me. That is true, And then we can't fault her for doing that because that's what's gonna make her. So yeah, it's it's it's always going to

be there. But I mean that, But that also goes to also when you put something out on social media, right, like the same way, you're entitled to your opinion and create a list about the things you want to for peace. People are entitled to have their opinion about what you said. So if people are not going to be in agreement, you can't get upset about it. If people are gonna

get upset about what you said, that comes with it. Yeah, you know, you could have chosen not to share it, but you chose to share it, and this is what happens. And I think you'll find peace and social media when you realize that people are entitled to have their opinions about what you say. But that's another podcast in itself. What I was going back to was you talking about

being protected. Right. As a man, we often think being protected protecting our women often means well, if someone comes to approach my woman, I got to fight them, right, But protection comes in so many different forms. For example, going through your pregnancy going to the doctor, right, you always felt protected because you knew I would advocate for you.

That has nothing to do with physical protection, but you knew my husband is always going to advocate for me and my health, So you can kind of let your guard down and relax absolutely, And I think a lot of people need to realize that that part of protection is probably more in the forefront of what women are looking for than someone actually physically fight or speak up

for them. I remember, I remember we just talked told the story about when you're working at the hot zone and your cameraman was late and typically he finds a spot on the red carpet, and he was a reporter. But I drove you there and he wasn't there yet. So I parked the car yep, and I was like finding because you know that red carpet line for media, they just have papers on top of papers of all the different outlets and sources. And I fished out my paper and this is like one of my first few

times that I've been out. So I was still trying to get my groove, and I was like, dival, listen, I need to come a hold my spot here, okay, because they're not about to bully me. I'm about to get my story. And in that moment you talked about a woman being submissive or playing the back role. In that moment, I was playing the back roll because you were the star. So I was there to just be your piece so that you could focus on your interviews and I could focus on all the other bullshit around it.

And I think that's that's in turn, is peace really looks like in a marriage, right, It isn't designed or dedicated to a gender. It's dedicated to what your partner needs in that moment. You see what I'm saying. So when we talk about what a wife needs to provide peace for a husband on vice versa, it isn't dedicated to a gender. It's dedicated to what your partner needs

in that moment. And maturity is realizing that, regardless of what gender you are or identify with, if your partner needs you in that moment to do something, you're willing to jump in in that moment and get it done. I cooked and cleaned when Kadeen was working full time as a makeup artist. When she books things and she's going for a week at a time and it was just me, Cairo and Kaz and Jackson in the apartment. I had to make breakfast, I had to get the

kids ready for school. I had to make sure everything was clean. I ran Kadeen's bath when she came home to make sure that she was comfortable after being out on her feet all day. That's not a gender responsibility as a man, you know, So who's better equipped in this moment? And I think that's what peace is. I also think peace is picking your battles and picking your

time wisely. For example, is it wise in this moment to bring my husband this little issue or something that may be bothering me, knowing that in this moment he has a lot of things going on, or this may be a big moment for him and this is something very minute, Or he's coming home from work a long day and has been stressed out and has been tired, and it's really just not going to want to be

met at the door with combat. So maybe peace is going to look like for him, me putting my feelings on the back burner for now because it just may not be the right time. Or is it that big of a deal that I need to even disrupt his

peace to discuss this. We've had moments like that where I was not using my better judgment and I'd brought things your way and you were just like, really, like, now now is not the best time, or did you really have a problem with this or that and then in retrospect, how I can say, Kadeen, like that really wasn't necessary in that moment. See I once again, it's maturity. This is definitely make thirties, late thirties, the violent Kadeen speaking. Yeah,

we lay dirty, we lay dirties. It's a rap for us now it's a rat. But this is us speaking from years of figuring it. Let me tell y'all that giving each other grace and understanding that the as you're requiring peace, what you need in peace changes, right, So not jumping on your spouse the moment you don't get exactly what you want, but allowing them to work through a lot of these moments and figuring it out and still expecting that they're gonna make mistakes or not even

make mistakes, because it's never a mistake. They're going to make choices sometimes that often reflects what they needed in the moment, and it's like, Okay, maybe I this moment should choose to be their piece. And there's a balance, there's a there's a dance that goes with it. It's never a streamless like Kadeen and I don't get it twisted. We're not at the point in our marriage where we're like, I know exactly what piece looks like from my wife, So when I wake up in the morning, I just

do everything from from nine am to nine pm. That just creates the greatest sense of piece. We still are. We still look at each other and be like, for example, for example, we came back and in me trying to be a place of peace for my wife, I knew she wanted to get her nails done. So Kadeen had booked for Kairowan cast to have swimming lessons, Jackson had basketball practice and all of this was happening around three o'clock. Yeah, but she and Mimi and Papa weren't here. But she

also wanted to get her nails done. Her nail appointment was at one thirty. So in me trying to be her piece and said, let me just allow her to do that. I'm a hand away in me trying to be his piece, in my baby. I could totally move my nail appointment because I know it's gonna be a lot to have stuff going on. So we're both hearts in the right place trying to be a space apiece. So I was like, no, go ahead, get your nails done at the time, I didn't know where her nail

appointment was. So she goes to get her nail appointment. And now I woke up in the morning. I got Jackson ready for school, got the boys ready for school, took them to school, came back home. She took the baby to Keith and Bianca's house, went to get her nails done. At the same time, the best Barty people came to fix the theater. Right, So now I'm up kids to go get a nap. Couldn't get a nap

because I had a strange man in my house. Had to meet Jackson at the bus stop to bring him back home, had to pick up Kyro and Cast to bring him back here, to pick up Jackson to get him ready for basketball practice. Drove in traffic to get them ready for swimming. Now I'm there swimming, waiting for Kadeen to come and relieve me so that I could take Jackson the basketball practice. Kadean decides, you want to stop to get food. I didn't decide I wanted to

stop to get food. My husband was hungry and said, baby, I could will it or something to eat. It's been you wasn't too before that. I actually wasn't getting food before that. You didn't know that. Now you're lying in any event, in any event, in any event, Kadean was late, right, she was late. I ended up having to sit there the whole time to get to for swimming with Cairo and cass after, after kid got there, after the whole thing. I then had to drive in an hour and a

half traffic to take Jackson to basketball practice. Didn't drive a whole hour back, which means I was going all day. Now, me trying to be her sense of peace, her trying to be my sense of priests. Our wires got cross right, and we were just neither one of us were peaceful. I mean she was peaceful because she was home with the kids, but I wasn't. But okay, and you know how much traffic I sat in all day? You said

I was in peace with the kids. I was making a joke because it's like, how can you really have peace when you have three boys with I'd be at peace for my kids. I know when I'm downstairs. When I'm downstairs in the boys be just around me. At home, I'll be chilling, Like our kids are really good. I

shouldn't say that they're really good. My whole point is is that even in that moment where we were trying to be peace for each other, we've been together for twenty years, there was still chaos and it was still moments where it was just like, why would you do that? Because in my mind, I was thinking, why would you

set an appointment for one thirty? No one is going to take you at least an hour to get back, and your nails don't take fifteen minutes, which means you knew you weren't going to be back at three o'clock for the for the swimming lesson anyway. But it's like neither here nor there. But once I figure that out, that's when I said, baby, I would go ahead and cancel my appointment so that way we can have more hands on day today. And you said no, Baby could

see what I'm saying. So the whole point of the story is, even while you're trying to be peace for someone else, it's never perfect. And allowing your partner, allowing grace for your partner to make some decision and you're trying to adjust on the decision is how marriage works. You know, peace doesn't look like one thing likes as a man I'm not saying, you know, we gotta have sex every day. You how to make six figures, You

got to have two degrees. Your body has to look a certain way to breakfast has to be every morning, Dinner has to be on the table. The kids got to be taken care of. That's not what I need it in every day. And some people might need that. Some men might require that, or some men might require that on Monday, but on Tuesday they might require something different. Some women may require that you make a whole bunch

of money to take them place and do stuff. But you might meet a woman who makes her own money who doesn't require you to be her peace financially. She may require you to be her peace at home. She may want you to be home when she gets home because she works in on Wall Street, or she works in the industry where she just putting up fourteen sixteen hours a day. Her piece may not come from you making a lot of money and paying all the bills.

She may have that cover right. So the whole point is being someone's piece means that you need to focus on what that person needs and not what society is telling you based on your gender, should be doing to be that person's piece, or not being focused on what you think that person I need for their peace, because like we do often, I feel like you and I we have moments for both of our hearts may be in the right place when we do something, or we may we may do something because we feel like this

is what devout leeds in this moment, and that's necessarily That's not necessarily what you needed or wanted to that. I told you exactly what I needed. I don't need you to your idea of what you think I need when I'm telling my way is better. So I'm going to give him what he wants sugarcoats. In ways, I'm glad you brought that point up, because I think that's often lost in relationships. People's intent right for lack of effort, not for not for knock of effort, but they're intent right.

So for example, this because Kay brought up sex. She knows that I like when she dress up. I like when she puts on the nurse outfit and the chair leading outfit and stuff. It's you know, when you had it for so many years that it starts to crack and stuff. Yeah, that nurse outfit, that's it's done its course, run his course. The fake leather is it's not even leathering no more, and you've grown in a lot of areas so it don't even stretch the way it needs

it's supposed to. For years, I've been saying, this is exactly what I like. So then Kadeen will come in and leotard and she's like, I thought this was cute. Remember the Bodysuth story. Remember shows. But that's examples. But when your partner tells you exactly what they want or what they need, don't give them your version of what you think they want or need. Listen, just listen. And the truth is sometimes you don't even know what your

partner wants or needs because you're just not listening. Not that you're not that you're ignoring it, you're just not listening. Kadeen and I went through this on my end too as well, where I was trying to figure out what kadem wanted. I was like, I don't know how to be Kadeen's piece because she's not telling me what she needs half the time, kado don't know what the hell's

going to be her. But you were, you were, you were saying what you needed and wanted, but I was trying to give you your idea, my idea of what your piece was. Like. When Kadeen decided in her life where she was really focused more on being a housewife and being a mom, I was like, I know my wife wants to be the next Oprah. I know she

wants to conquer the world in media. So I was constantly pushing for her to pursue that dream and ignoring the fact that she was being clear to me that in this moment, I wanted to be a wife and a mom, Like yeah, And I just kept pushing and that's what and that's where her piece was. And I was just like, well, I remember saying, well, when we first met, this is what you said, instead of saying Dane, that was fifteen years ago. Guys, this October is gonna

be twenty years. Yeah, together, so much has happened in twenty years. Yeah, and we would hope that we're not the same person in twenty years that we were at eighteen. I'll take some missing pieces of my eighteen year old self along my waistline, what else, my hair, But yeah, we've grown together. I think that's sometimes the harder part

for people to do. Is suggest and grow, Yeah, and find ways to maneuver being that peace for that person, because it changes depending on what the hell you got going on in your life, and making a decision to be that person's peace, not making a decision to be married because you need peace. That's a huge point, right, deciding to be married because you need peace. Yes, that probably sounds like the most ass backward thing ever, bro, Why would you want to decide to marry somebody else

to find peace? Listen, having to contend with somebody else's feelings and emotions and all that. Like, you can't just elect to do that just because you're looking for peace. But that's what people. People go into marriages looking at what they can receive from it, as opposed to saying I'm going into this marriage because of what I offer and what I can give. And when you go into marriage with that ego centric, you know, selfish mindset, you're

always going to be disappointed. Yeah, because now you're looking at your partner and saying, you're not giving me what I need. You're not giving me and you're you're not even pouring into your partner. That's the first step to resentment. Absolutely, Like you were supposed to do all of these things, and I thought this was going to happen and it didn't. So then you owe me in a sense. Well, here's my thing, do you even? This is two goes to what Steve Harvey said, right, as a man, do you

provide a place for your wife to be your piece? Right? So, for example, say you want a wife. This is just an example. It's not anyone in particular, because Steve didn't say this, and I don't want to be called as Steve said this, But say you want a wife that cooks, cleans, make sure as everything's taken care of when you get home. Are you providing a place with latitude for her to do those things? Or are you also saying you have to do those things and I need half of the

rent every month you're gonna pay your own card? Note, Oh the kids need to be picked up, that's your job. You see what I'm saying. What I know what I did for Cadeen was I know what I required for my piece. So I tried to be all the other things for Kdean so that she could have the latitude to be those things for me. And that comes from being someone's peace. So it was like, wait a minute, the only way Kadean could be my piece is if

I'm her piece. You know what I'm saying. So it's like, I have to put the work in to make sure you have the bandwidth to provide me with peace. If I'm not providing you piece first, how could I require that you be my piece? And that's what I'm saying. Marriage is about serving. You have to say, you know what, I want to be married because I can be of service. And that's part of the peace and pressure part. As a man, I felt like, based on what I require from my wife, I can't get married until I can

provide the right amount of protection. You know what I'm saying, And you've successfully done so I appreciate that. I appreciate that. And you've also done the same thing, my queen. Think you've worked your ass off to be able to say I can put these things. And it's another thing too, it's a lot of things you're still figuring out. Though. Man, it's always helped to figure out because we're still relatively young and we still have the rest of our lives.

But I've watched you over time make decisions about yourself and your career in order to be peace not only to me, but our children as well, because we have a responsibility now as parents to be their peace. Yeah, you're gonna see what I'm saying. So I've watched you in the morning wake up and say, you know what, rather than me taking care of kdein first, let me, for example, the days you're gonna leave early and be gone all day, Babe, what do you want for breakfast?

Because I'm getting ready to leave and I'm just like ding, I'm not ready to get up. So then you'll make something and put it on a hot plate and be like it'll be prepared, or you'll say I'll make the shake, put it in the freezer. This is you deciding when you wake up, how can I be of service to my husband before I leave? Yep, you know what I'm saying. Because Kade ten fifteen years ago probably would have got up and left. And he's good, he's an adult, he's growing,

he can own shop. I'll come home to develop. Would you have all day? Nothing? Nothing devout this mad food in the fridge? Yea, But you know, and be pissed and be pissed, and be and be pissed because I felt like I'm working my ass off eighteen hours a day to be your piece. Financially, I wanted you to work to be my piece. And the only way we got to that is about doing what talking about it.

I used to say to kadein part of the reason why I don't eat is because my mind be going so much on what I need to do to be able to be there for you, that I don't think about myself. If I'm always thinking about you and you're thinking about you, who's thinking about me? But you have to openly say that. And if you don't say it, and you sit back and you expect your partner to just figure it out right, or you're dropping clues all day hoping that they just you know, put two and

two together. They don't work. Don't really work like that. It don't work. It doesn't work like that. Don't So since you talk about clues, Yeah, you have the seven ways, the seven ways to keep peace in your marriage. All right, Let's start with number one. Be the first to apologize. Whether or not your spouse isn't the wrong alongside you doesn't matter. What matters is whether you're willing to step up and say you're sorry. First don't wait around for

the spouse to come to you. If you have something you need to apologize for it, go ahead and do it. This will open the door for your spouse to respond in kind if he or she has been holding out. Be sure to only apologize if you actually have something to apologize for. I agree with that. Yeah, I also agree with this statement. I love when it comes to marriage and apologies. Do you want to be right or

do you want to be happy? And a lot of times people refrain from apologizing because they want to be right because if I apologize, that means I'm admitting faults. So it's like I'm going to avoid admitting fault because I have to win, right. No one makes accountability right, you know. It's like I have to win, so I and the mid fault, I have to just say, I don't know what you're talking about. This is the way I did it, so and I say, as long as I win, I'm good. But then you win and y'all

not talking? So are you happy? Right? You know what? And then like a term for that too, it's like right fighting, like you're you're fighting to be right or you're arguing to be right. With that and and was right fighting right fighting. It doesn't matter what argument is. I just got to be right right. I don't think that's something that we exercise though. We really try to get to the root of what the problem is and we don't agree on it because there was I'm a

very argumented person. I was on a debate team in Andrew Tudy Junior High School. So kimboy be trying to argue me as a sport y'all light, I don't be trying to argue, but you did bring up sex, some of our best sex. We have to arguments that that feistiness, that that the correlation, that that West Indian Jamaican spice come out when you're angry, and that's sometimes when I get the best you know, archback when you're mad at

first and then you want to pose. Ah, I see say it's a sublime man, because I'm like, good God, this guy likes to just pick on me. Okay, you read number two or I'll read it. I'll read it. Own your mistakes. Avoiding responsibility for bad decisions you make or hurtful things you say to your spouse will only make wounds fester and grow worse over time. Even though you might not want to admit to any wrong doing, it's best to bite the bullet and admit you made

a mistake. Your spouse would be more likely to extend forgiveness sooner if you're willing to own your parts when you apologize. Yeah, account just because one person is accountable doesn't mean the other person want tom actually going to be accountable. Now we're going through that and I don't. I don't want to say this, and then people feel like, well,

I own mind. Now you got to own yours. Yeah, just because you own yours don't mean your spouse is gonna own because there maybe one person very much in the wrong in that moment, or that person just may still will be someone who gets defensive. You and I have gone through this, Like I was an athlete most of my life, so accountability was a part of who I am. Kadean came from a family that didn't own accountability.

It was just sweep things under the rug. So even when I would say, you know, I was wrong for doing this and blah blah blah blah, Coadean would be like, Okay, thank you, I was like thank you, like you ain't gonna admit and she'd be like, I didn't do nothing wrong. Just like the whole Gyro situation, she still ain't going to admit that she wanted to get a job tapping and let us know if you understood me or devours

point of view on that good ahead. But any who, just when you think about owning mistakes, think about Gyros and Chick fil A. Are you team Gyro or team chick that's what you think. Don't tell me you be can pick aside, but no, but accountability does create a safe space for your spouse to say, you know what, if he or she can admit their wrongdoings, then maybe I should are doing the same thing so we can get to the real issue. Because sometimes there is no

right or wrong, it's just different perspectives. And I think accountability comes with knowing that just because you can admit that you made a decision for yourself in that moment doesn't mean that it was a bad decision. A lot of times you see like mistake. I hate the word mistake. Unless you accidentally fell on a decision, It wasn't a mistake, nigga, You chose that. So it's either a decision you made for yourself and own well being, or did you make

a decision for the greater good. That's why I don't say bad decision, because a lot of times you and I had to come to terms with the fact that, you know what, the decision you made wasn't a bad decision, but that decision you made was for yourself in that moment, and your decision in turn affected me right negatively, right, And because you weren't thinking about the greater good or all of us, your decision affected me negatively, but you gained greatly from it. And that doesn't mean that you

purposely wanted to hurt your spouse. It's sometimes just like, dang, I'm making decisions for myself as opposed to making decisions for the group in total, and the group you mean you and your spouse or you your spouse and your kids and Kadin and I still go through that, even after twenty years. You make a decision and it's just like, why would you make that decision? You know and we both have done that. I mean it, it becomes it, well, how can you not see why I made this decision.

I'm explaining it to you, and he's like, well, I don't want you to explain it to me because this is the outcome, this is how I felt. That should be exhausting, y'all, but that's part of it. That's part of trying to understand your partner's perspective, not agreeing with it, but understanding it. Okay, I understand where you're coming from. I still made my decision based on where I was in that moment. I'm not a mind reader, but I

can understand how you took it that way. And as long as y'all can come to some sort of an agreement or understanding, you can move forward and not hold resentment. Yep. Number three, don't sweep things under the rug like val said I did on my side of family much of my life, just hoping things will just kind of dissipertate by itself if you don't mention it or look at

it too tough. But that's not the case. So if you got any unresolved conflict under the service of your marriage, sooner or later, it's going to get bigger and bigger until you can't handle it anymo. Okay. So don't speak issues under the rug, hide from them, or send them down the road, Face them head on, and acknowledge their presence.

So they can be less likely to keep growing. I think that's just straightforward, straightforward, Like the more you just hold stuff inside thinking it's gonna go away, the bigger it becomes. And then a small issue becomes a huge issue. And now you arguing over temperatures on the thermistead. I like it at seventy two, Well, big, you've got it at seventy three. A lot of times. The sweeping under the rug too A lot of time then kind of

leads into that moment of blow up. Yes, and you have somebody blow up on you for something as simple as you know, you shrunk my favorite shirt in the dry it and then it's just like, well that you haven't been doing laundry for me, and it becomes like a whole yeah, you know, flood of you know, let me pull out this rollodex. I could tell you how many times you've annoyed me, and I've suppressed it for you know, so many times. But now this one little

thing we've been there has erupted. We've been there, but I mean this really, and here's the argument that I've gotten from a lot of men, right, is that when something bothers you, initially as a man, right. Your first instinct isn't to go tell your wife because you don't want to be a nag, right, So you let it go, right, And then you let it go and let it go, and it keeps happening, and it keeps happening, and finally you blow up because it's happening. It's happened so often.

What I try to tell a lot of my homeboys is like, you can't blame your wife if she shows a behavior and you let it go. In her mind, now she thinks that that behavior is okay. So when she keeps doing that behavior and you keep getting upset, how can you blame her exactly because you never said anything. And then they said, well, then if that was the case, every time something happens, I would say something as you should,

kadein and I she knows. Every time I sit her down and I'm like, I just want to talk real quick, she'd be like, oh God, It's like I feel like, here we go. We have a talk every week. But let's be honest. If there's seven days in a week, right, twenty four hours in a day, and you sit down once a week and just talk for an hour about the things that bothered you, that's still less than two percent of the time you spend together. I guess if you put it that way, it is though, It is though.

I can see that because what's twenty four times seven? Let me see that real quick? Hey, ninety eight two? Is it one away? No? No, what do you say? Now? Four time Seven's one hundred and sixty eight hours in a week. If you spend one hour of those one hundred and sixty eight talking about the issues that bothered you in a week, that's still less than one percent.

But that hour to people seem like forever we talked about this for an hour and then a lot of times Cadino say to me, I can't do anything right, and I'm just like, for one hundred and sixty seven hours in the week, I've praised you. But for this one hour, I just told you something that you did was bother me. And now you feel like I'm saying you don't do nothing right. That's not fair, that's not fair for you to just take this one hour and make it seem like I'm always blowing up on you.

And we've had we've had that conversation before. Yeah, right, But as an athlete, that's what happens after every practice. You have a practice, and after practice they come sit you down and show you everything you've done wrong. And that's where accountability comes from, because now you're prepared after practice to see, Okay, we don't care how many passes you caught, but you see this one time that you

were not at your depth. We have to focus on this because this one time could be the time that costs us a game. And for me that became my reality. Let me approach something immediately. So we're not going to just collect all of the practice data and at the end of the week go over practice. We're gonna attack it right after practice when it happens. So when something happens that I don't like, I'm not gonna wait till the end of the week. Let's talk about it for

twenty minutes. You know what I'm saying, And at the end of the week, at twenty minutes, maybe okay, we had three discussions this week, and you're like, every day this week, every other day was something. But those twenty minutes that you talk every other day it may seem repetitive, but those are going to be the twenty minutes that make you a better spouse. And that's what I try to tell husbands too, When their wives bring them something in real time, it's like she always got something she

wanted to talk about. How long does it take you to listen to her? Even if it's an hour a day, that's still seven hours out of one hundred and sixty eight hours. That's still less than three percent. You can't listen to your wife tell you what she needs for three percent of the time y'all gonna be together all day.

Think if you really think about that, If y'all spend an hour every day talking about the things that you liked and didn't like about each other, that's still less than three percent of the time that you had spend together. Imagine how many great moments you can have if you learn through your spouse like that. You see what I'm saying, I love that's but that's what you should be exhausting in the moment. Is gonna say she love it now, But let me wanta go to listen. I don't want

the three percent. Whatever carried it too in the squirre routed forty six. All that this mathematician over here will debate you through math around numbers, but I just I just want to be clear. No, I want to put the work in clarity that part number five, encourage your spouse to face issues. Speaking of math, I can't even count. Go ahead, that's on you. You and your spouse can create peace together by facing down your conflicts, challenges and issues as a team. The two of you are stronger

together than you are a part. I agree with that a thousand percent. And if only one of you was fighting your battles, that could lead to resentment and conflict between the two of you. Put your heads together and create solutions and ideas that will lead you away from strife and toward a happy, peaceful existence together. Okay, did we not just have this moment? Literally screaming, crying. I'm not doing this by myself. I need a solution. Let's

get solutions. I don't have any. I'm not problem solving oriented, but figuring things out together together. We figure it out, We figure it out as we should. Yes, I mean shit, you're not gonna just be relying on me to do it, because God knows that's I don't even want to talk about it half the time much. Let's figure shit out. If there's one statement I hate or question I hate whenever we're having a discussion, is this question right here?

What about? What do you want me to do? That's what I'm talking about it because I want to brainstorm so we can figure it out together. Why I don't want to figure nothing out? Don tell me what you need so we can move on. Because I'm tired. I'm gonna tell you what I'm talking. I'm gonna tell you what I don't work. Because when I tell you what I want and you don't do it, what do you want me to say after that? This is the same woman that says I'm tired, tell me what you want.

I said, well, I want you just up as a schoolgirl. Then she puts on a leotard and then a cute leotard. Though y'all come, it was giving single ladies. It was giving single ladies meets like savage fancy. You looked great, thank you, but you said, I don't know what to do. Deviou what do you want? And I told you specifically what I want, and you gave me what she did in that moment, and the liotard was cute. So that's what you've got. So yes, have these conversations and no

matter how exhausting they are. Listen to each other man and facing this shoes together. Don't leave it up to your partner. Don't ever say that's on you because you may not like the solution they come up with. And that's the truth. They come up with a solution and you're like, what, actually, no, let's scratch everything that you just said and it won't start over. Speak the truth in love Number five. Sometimes you have something to save your spouse and they don't want to hear it, and

you know it's going to hurt you too. When your spouse responds and pain her anger, Approach him or her in a loving way and lay all your cards on the table. If he or she has an issue that is hurting your marriage or family, or is even just harmful to them in some way, you have to put it out there. It could be an addiction, her full behavior, or a number of things. Your spouse as well being may depend on you speaking up, and if he or she goes down a destructive path, your marriage goes down

to Yeah. Sometimes that speaking truth and love don't be sounding very loving, you know, like speaking truth like sometimes when you have to get your point across. It doesn't necessarily sound like the most loving way or tone, but it sometimes just has to be done to get your point across. I get this because it's like you talk soft, you talk hard. It's like, well, not just say it. My truth may hurt your feelings, but how I say

it can definitely solve from the blow. And that's what I think is, as you're speaking truth and love, I can't change the fact that I don't like this about you. But I can either scream it at you and talk down to you, or I can say it in a way where let's work on it away where we can both gain from it. Okay, So this you're thinking is more like the approach, yes, or how you become the beer of what could potentially be seen as bad news, right,

how you deliver that right. For example, when we first got married, financially, we weren't on the same path, right, there were certain things in your family history that you weren't taught, certain things in mind that I was taught, right, And we used to sit down and have discussions about the American Express Bill. That's how you became known as

the MCS killer. Right. Imagine. I used to say, I said, Babe, let's let's look at the American Express bill, right, and we would go through the bill, and even when in me saying let's just go through it and discuss it, you would get defensive. Sometimes. Imagine if I just came to you and being like, bits, what the fuck is your problem? You spending all this money? You're super bitch? Like?

You know what I'm saying, right Like, there's certain ways to approach people where you don't have to condemn them. You don't have to talk down to them, you don't have to belittle them. You can say, hey, let's figure this out together, how to make this change? Got you? You know, the delivery, but also to being receptive to hearing something that you may not want to hear, because then that's when the vents mode kicks in and doesn't matter how nice and how sweet you deliver that that message,

it's not gonna be received well anyhow. Potentially in college, remember when you had to have to talk with me about four play, right, I was nineteen years old, and all anybody talk about when you're nineteen is you got to drop the grade, beat the pussy up, right, So I used to come from practice to stashing on how being like I'm gonna just give my girl a grad day. I'm gonna beat the pussy up. And you had to be like your woo, buddy, You're gonna have to finesse this,

and you could. You came to me in a very peaceful manner. You were concerned about my ego and you didn't want me to feel a way. So you talk to me nice. You're talking to me nice. You know what I'm saying. You didn't be like you stupid, you do you know what I'm saying, Like there's a care for you and somebody wants exactly know. But you approached me with love. Yes, you didn't just come and try to just down me and make me feel small and stupid.

You were just like, hey, bro, like now I love you and I want you to love on me a little bit. You know, Like there's ways, And I think people need to learn in today's society too, that your truth can be spread with love. It doesn't have to

be so angry all the time, you know. So I think you know what my help that those smaller moments of conversation, like for example, taking that half hour or that hour a week to just touch base about that have been happening, how you've been feeling things that may have, you know, happened during the week that just kind of are coming to a boiling point. By doing moments like that more often, you'd probably have a lot less of

these moments. Yes, absolutely so. Yeah, it's like putting in the work bits and pieces to see the greater return on it. How many times have remember the monogamy episode or when we have the sex episodes? Do people who are not married who are who don't practice these forms of communication often say how can they talk to each

other like this? It's because you haven't practiced the art of communicating openly with your spouse that when you hear two people speak like this to each other, it's off putting because she's being honest, he's being honest, and they're able to receive it and laugh and joke about it. But some people see it as disrespect or you know, but like you said, we've put in hours of work, right, so I know you, you know me. Now I know what to say or what you can take. You know

what to say or what I can take. So we're able to, you know, talk to each other openly because we've practiced that and we've learned each other, and a whole lot less of beating around the bushes, getting to the point like we don't tiptoe around no more. Stay mad for a while, and every now and again i'll

see if the something's bothering him. He won't stay it in that moment, but he'll come within the hour when he was found the right words to say what you needed to say, because you wanted to gather your thoughts, and I guess to be able to express to me eloquently and delicately how you feel without me having because you're you're you're fear and I'm fearful, but you're cautious of how I will receive it. Absolutely, Oh god, all right, we're almost there. Number six and then seven. Six is

actually on the flip side of number five. But this is something that you talked about, fighting your tongue on the flip top. On the flip side. Sometimes you have to check yourself to keep the peace. You talked about this. Do you tend to speak before you think, saying hurtful things in the process. Is it sometimes hard to rain in your temper when you're going to get when the going gets rough. If you want to seek peace first.

It will pay dividends to learn when to hold your tongue and think about what you're about to say before it comes out of your mouth. Case in point, Case in point, we just we just talk it just co side what we just said. So somebody knows about something

not need and nuver seven, Ask for help. If your marriage is in trouble and you can't seem to achieve peace on your own, it's healthy and wise to ask for help a trusted friend, a pastor, mentor, counsel, counselor anyone who can help determine your next steps towards establishing peace in your marriage. Do your best to get your spouse on board and work together with that trusted person in order to get on solid ground. See therapy if

you need it, y'all. Picking the right person is of paramount importance, Okay, because if you pick a friend with your single friends by marriage, or a pastor that's bias, or even if you pick a therapist, because therapists are people too, and if you pick a therapist who's bias on either side, that can hurt your marriage. You have to pick someone who has a great perspective and will

always stay objective. Yes, because as long as they stay objective and have a unique perspective, you both can learn. Don't seek someone who shares your perspective because then they're seeing everything through your land and it's not going to help you. You don't want to get person on your team all the time. You don't. You need it from a different angle. Yep, sounds good. Good conversation today. I

think we should get into some listen letters. Yeah, so we're gonna take a quick break and move into listener letters after we get into these ads. See y'all in a little bit take around, all right, we bet Kadeen's favorite part of the show. Baby, we want to go first? Goa go first, I go first, alright, bet all right, hey y'all. First of all, let me start off by saying I love you both oh so much and have been a fan for a very long time. Let you back SIS or bro and get to see who's writing it.

All right. So basically, my boyfriend and I SIS have been together since we were eighteen and now twenty three and have a four month old baby boy. I'll sm me graduating from undergrad and looking to move on to my masters. Our plan was that we would move down south that I can finish my education there and because we both want a new beginning. We both technically still live at home, so this is also a big move

for us. But and that's a big butt, y'all. My man, on the other hand, is a semi pro football player and his dreams of making it to the league. He currently He's currently not in school, but plans on going back and is a manager at his current job. My family thinks that we won't be together long because they say a baby changes the relationship and you you're graduating, you're going to want better for yourself. We both don't agree with what others are saying, and we're willing to

fight for this relationship no matter what it takes. I don't want him to ever think I don't believe in his dreams or him period. But how do I tell him that it may be time to hang up his football career and maybe look for a full time job. He's a hard worker and I have no doubt that he will. He'll help with his part, but I'm afraid that football may stop him from trying to find a full time position. All right, former pro football player, what do you think? So here's the harsh reality. All of

them football players. Okay, there are thirty two teams in the NFL, right, fifty three men on a rosseter. That means fifteen hundred spots. Seven hundred and fifty of those spots are retained every year by current players. That means every year there's about seven hundred to seven hundred and fifty new players who get opportunities. Right, every year, there

are over ten thousand players who graduate from college. So if you are playing semi pro football, your chances of making it to the NFL is less than slim to none, less than slim to none because you got FCS, FBS, NAIA junior college. And believe it or not, they are taking football players from other sports. So they are going overseas and finding rugby players, some soccer players who play

football because they're looking for athletes. The truth of the matter is, young man, if you were not good enough to make it into college, you are not going to get an opportunity in the NFL. There has never, and I mean never been a player who played semi pro football who hasn't afterwards played in college that got into

the NFL. The only people I know who've played semi pro football, who even got an opportunity to even be seen by an NFL scout, or the guys who were in their early twenties who after playing semi pro decided to go to junior college and after junior college ended up in a four year of school. So you can be recruited. You will never be recruited to the NFL out of semi pro football. Just want to be clear, like,

that's just not going to happen. With that being said, you two do not need anybody else to validate your relationship in order to make it work. Codeen's parents, my parents both told us this was not gonna work. Codeen's friends. My friends both told us this is not gonna work. In every aspect of our life. From college when we first got together, they were like, oh, you eighteen, your Division one athlete. She's a pretty girl. We'll see y'all

in a year. We made it through that. When we were graduating and I was going into the NFL and she was going on in the TV. My teammates when I got to league, Oh, you got a girlfriend from college, all right, we'll see you at the end of the season. We made it through that, going in the TV film. I started to do TV. Kadeen was working in makeup, doing a whole bunch of different stuff. People just like, Oh, you're going in the TV. We'll see you in a year.

We got on social media, Oh you're putting your family on social media. Y'all never make it through social media. Fast forward twenty years later, Kadeen and I are still holding together strong because we don't need anybody else to validate what we want to do with our lives. It's us period. It's us period. As long as you put the work in to be better, and he puts the work in and be better, y'all can do any thing you want, anything except go to the NFL from semi pro.

That's not happening. Sorry, And I'm gonna give you some honest How did I be talking to me? He's like, Hey, you're not gonna do this, So you're just not gonna make it. That just what it is, because I don't want to feed false hope. If he wants to play in the NFL, you have to parlay that semi pro career to going to a year school to get seen. If you're not trying to go to a four year school, to get seen. You're not going to the league, bro, So this don't mean you ain't going. This means you

gotta find yourself in the four year school first. I don't care if it's NAIA Division three, Division two. You have to find a way, all right, now that was that number two? Hey, y'all, Okay, let's get into it. And I'm twenty six. I'm in school and working two jobs and going to school full time. My bills are over three thousand dollars a month. I help my mom

with my two younger siblings. She gets disability and there's barely enough to cover rent, so I pay the lights and her car, as well as Wi Fi and TV. My other siblings could care less, and they're also not in any better position than I am to help financially. Along with that, I have my own bills. I have mortgage and household bills that my husband and I split. My husband doesn't understand. He comes from a big family who has each other's back, and I don't. I come

from struggle and having no one. I understand, when you get married it's you and your husband, But does that mean leaving my family to struggle while I'm living comfortably what do I do? I love my husband, but I would like a man who chiishes my family as much as I do, and seems to me he wants me to leave them hanging high and dry. Mind you, helping them doesn't affect our finances. We split everything. This has been bothering me because this is not what I envisioned

my husband to be like. M So it said that your husband is just seeing you as an enabler for your family. Yeah, and he's trying to protect you maybe from being taken advantage of. Yeah. That kind of sounds like what's happening yeah here, because you're the only one the other siblings caring less and you're caring more. She said care less. Ye why would he? Why would your siblings care less? Because you're caring too much? Wow? Yep,

bow simple. That's pretty much what's happening here, says And it may not be that your husband doesn't like your family per se, but they may not like he may not like the way that they're treating you in this moment because they see that you're going to be able to just support them and continue to support them because that's just what you've been doing. I think the times that We've had family members where we were being that crutch for them, were always being the one that they

could run to for aid. The moments where we've literally kind of pulled back and allowed them to maybe have a moment where they fell flat on their face and watching them regain their footing has been the moments where we're like, ah, so you can't do this because you were forced to do this because you had no choice but to do this. Yes, I can be here as a support, but I'm not sitting here to support adults

like I'm just not doing that. So that might be where your husband seeing things that's his because y'all have y'all bills well over three thousand dollars a month, and then you help your mom and your two younger siblings. You're paying the bill, the light, the car, the WiFi, the TV. Nobody has any reason to attempt to try to get themselves up and moving. I don't gonna say, because I agree with you, you gotta let people fall

in order for them to learn how to walk. Yeah, you carry people to hold, how are they ever gonna learn right, regardless of the fact that you're doing it comfortably, Because it's not even that's not the point. It's just making bad habits because people. You can teach the man how to fish, or you can give them a fish. If you keep giving them a fish, what happens to him when something happens to you, God forbid, you know what I'm saying. That's some perspective too. That's the truth.

If something would have ever happened to you and you can't provide no more, your family's gonna fall. You have to let them learn on their own. That's part of being a good siblings, letting them learn. We Kadeen and I have both been there as old as siblings. Oh yes, we've been there, and we support each other's families wholeheartedly absolutely, you know, supporting you your parents. We both understand that it depends on if your mom is a hard work

or not. She didn't explain that, but your mom can also feel entitled if you've made it and now she feels like, well, you made it, so now you got to take care of me. You're not. You're not responsible to take care of your mom. This sounds crazy. You should feel a responsibility to help your mom in times of need, but your mom doesn't automatically become your dependent and any person who feels like I've had kids so

they can take care of me. It's probably one of the most selfish things I've ever heard in my life. I there will never be a point in my life where I'm just gonna sit back and be like, well, Jackson, Cairo Kaz the code. I did this for y'all, So y'all owe me. No, did y'all nass to come here? Y'all came here on my guilty pleasures. It's not like y'all were sitting back in the universe saying, please devote, let me free, bring me into that, bring me down right.

I have the responsibility to teach y'all how to become successful humans, and that's my goal. And once I do that, I still have a responsibility to protect and provide for my wife and protect and provide for myself. Absolutely all adults have that. Anybody puts that on their kids is messed up. So that's it, period, period. All right. If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at dead Ass Advice at

gmail dot com. That's right, that's d E A d A s A d V I C E at gmail dot com. All right, moment of truth time, were talking about peace, The pressure is surrounding peace and all that.

I think my moment of truth today is when it comes to peace and as it relates to your spouse, being careful to realize when there are moments that might disrupt peace and using discernment to decide whether or not it's a good time to do so, and finding ways to instead maybe insert a little bit more of those moments of peace so that way you can in turn be having those moments so that you can in turn have less moments of combat. Because I think timing a

lot of times is everything. If it's a moment where you feel like this peace is necessary and I can just hold off on something that may be necessarily bothering me in that moment, let me hold off because devou deserves a moment of peace, or my spouse may not need this in this moment. I think that's part of the protection that I said that I like to feel when I have peace. I think you should also protect your spouse in that circumstance too, So I understand it

makes sense. That makes sense just protecting their mental space, their mental health. My moment of peace is very simple. Moment of peace. My moment of truth is very simple. Providing peace doesn't come with a gender qualification, which means just because you're a woman or just because you're a man. You have to provide peace a certain way to your spouse. Peace looks like whatever your spouse needs in that moment.

And we as a society, if people have to realize that we can't create peace for our spouse by listening to other people's idea of what they think peace is. The minute you do that, you're failing your spouse. Look at your spouse, Listen to your spouse and try to try to create whatever peace they need, because they and then will be able to create peace for you. You know, peace reciprocation of peace comes by creating peace first. Yes, so you cannot you cannot piece you know, expect peace, yes,

or demand peace without being peace to your spouse. All right, It's like read the functual in the room. Is it is the front? Is the fun piecing or is it not?

Is it giving piece or is it not? Read the room, Read the room and to piggyback or to add to my moment of truth, just implement within your relationship married or not that whatever percentage devout said of time or week to just touch base, to chat, whether it's over date night, you know y'all are making dinner together, taking a bath together, whatever, it may be a lot that time frame to just talk about, not necessarily even something that's bothering you per se, but saying, hey, babe, you

know this week, I love that you went out your way to get me something to eat. And it might not have been Chick fil A. It might knew it was, but you knew what my i'm needed with some food. So you were a little late, but you got me something to eat. And I love you for that and I appreciate you for that, and you were my peace in that moment when I could not see Amen. Amen, Amen. And if you'd like to be featured one of our listener letters, email us. Oh we already did that, say

oh you're trying to be facetious. Now he got he lost his place in the script. Let me go back to hosting the show. Be sure to find us on social media at dead as Advice. No, there you go. This is what happens karma, This is karma, this is let me try now, because you rested it up. This is how y'all know that we married, because should be

going like this all the time. It's fine. Be sure to find us on social media at dead Ass, to podcast Yes I Am Devout and Candine I Am and if you're listening with Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review, and subscribe peacefully. Dead Ass is a production of iHeart Media, a podcast network, and it is produced by Dinorapinya and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the podcasts and never miss a Thing