Parents Just Don't Understand... with Jessica Rose

listen to see you by. Just when I think I have parenting all figured out, something happens and catches me all the way off guard. Dead ass. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellison. You may know us when posting funny videos without boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. I'll make you need therapy most days. Wow. Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married. Yes,

so we are. We create this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium Mattie couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day where we say dead as we're actually saying facts. One the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. We're about to take Philow's off to

a whole new level. Death starts now. Jackson tells me a couple of days before Friday, it's probably about Tuesday, that he has to wear a blue shirt to school for whatever activity they have going on that day. Great, no problem. Usually in the morning, I get Jackson's clothes out, he gets ready for school, We're all good to go. On this Friday morning, I get Jackson's clothes out, No blue shirt, because I don't remember that he needs a

blue shirt. I have too many other things to remember, right, So it was specifically on his homework sheet the night before that he had to wear a blue shirt. Lo and behold, we go to school. Jackson jumps off the car, no blue shirt on. As I pull away from the curb side, I see the flux of children walking in with blue shirts, and I'm like, ship, today's Friday. Jackson

was supposed to wear a blue shirt. So I see there's a little table set up like a spirit table, and they're like, hey, you can purchase a shirt here. So everything in my body wanted to go buy Jackson the shirt, take the shirt to his classroom, so he would not be left out. But I tried to be a thug. Guys, I was a mommy thug, and I was like, you know what, there is a lesson in this, and Jackson had a responsibility to remember his blue shirt because he is eight years old. And let me tell

you something about my eight year old. Okay, he has selective memory, because if he wants the latest Kyrie Irvin SpongeBob sneakers that just came out that he had a searching all over for, he would have remembered to tell me where to go and where to get it. He couldn't remember his blue shirt that morning, so I said, you know what, I'm going to go home. I'm not gonna bring him his blue shirt. I'm not gonna buy a blue shirt. He's gonna have to deal with sitting

in school today with no blue shirt. But then the mommy killed kicked in and I was so heartbroken the entire day because all I could think about was like, my baby head doesn't have a blue shirt and he's probably the only one in the class without the blue shirt, and how is he gonna feel? So I went to Instagram. I told the story. I did a pole like parents. Do you think I did the right thing that I should I have taken Jackson the shirt? Or did I do the right thing by not taking it? People said

I did the right thing. A couple of people said, you know a girl, he's eight. You shouldn't have did that because now it's going to instill the sense of fear and and lack there of in him. YadA, YadA, YadA. And I was like, it's cool, I get that. But at the same time, I know my son and it wasn't his first or second, or third or fourth offense. So I said, you know what, fine, So pick up time. I got to get Jackson, and I'm like, Jack's, um,

how is school today? So he gets in the car and he's like, Mom, I'm like, what, you forgot my blue shirt? I was like, I forgot your blue shirt, Jackson. And in that moment, I know I did the right thing because this little mofo trying to blame it on me like it was my full he forgot the blue shirt. But guess what happened though. It's now the following week, I see his blue shirt on a hanger on the door knob of his door, and this is like Monday, so I'm like, oh, Jackson, why what did you do?

Why is the blue shirt here? I put the blue shirt here so I won't forget it on Friday Lesson Learned. So I was called off guard with that one because I expected him to forget the blue shirt again. But then it made me know that in my lesson, he got the point. Alright. So y'all know that we always do karaoke, but given the topic today and our guests, I felt it was fitting to play her song directly because I could not learn all of the lyrics overnight.

So listen to this hilarious parody of Old Town Road. Had to drag my kid right out the front of the store because she was crime. Couldn't take it no more. I had to drag my kid right out the front of the store because she was crime, couldn't take it no more. I got my tother in the past. I forgot her jab in the ioa too close. I know she's done a drab and I say, no, let me

tell you that Old Town Rolling song. I absolutely love that song, and my kids have run into the ground, So of course I had to find a remixed version that supports all the parents out there because I know we can all relate. It's just me today. I am holding down the fort de vot is not here. He had the actual nerve to go out there and book a guest star role on a show. Can't tell y'all which one yet, but you know, first audition out fresh off of filming out in Atlanta, and he booked a role.

And I'm super excited for him. And today it was kind of like, oh my god, what are we gonna do? Are we gonna cancel recording today? And I say, you know what, baby, I got this. I got this. You have trained me well. So UM. So yeah, he's off at a table read and he's recording today. So I am going to be holding it down with a special

guest today. UM. And we're talking about the parenting journey and things that we feel like our challenges, things that we probably could have prepared for, things that we didn't prepare or four and things that just pretty much catch you off guard in the moment. And I know I've had many moments like that. UM. And it's super funny because I feel like I was a single parent for this past summer more or less because Daval has been UM filming in Atlanta for five weeks, so it's pretty

much been me and the kids. So shout out to the single moms or the single parents out there, single dads, whatever you are. If it's just you in your house and you're outnumbered by the children, may the force be with you. I don't know how y'all do it on a day to day basis. I hope you have a tribe. If you don't have one, find one, because it is so very necessary to have those extra set it hands.

But it's it's funny because I was, you know, relocating with the children, which is not an easy feat being in an apartment for ten years just him and I and then having three children. It's crazy the amount of things you accumulate over the years, then having to sort through that because you don't want to bring all your crap from one location to the other. So it was literally my mom and I with the kids day in and day out, sorting through things, pack boxes, all of that.

And the best part about it was when de Vo would hit me like, Okay, he's just moving like me, girl, I'm just moving like just moving. Meanwhile, you're on set. You got crafty bringing you lunch and whatnot. He had nerve when he came home for a weekend to be like, big, what's for dinner? I was like, listen, this thing craft services or nothing. You're gonna have to figure it out or we're gonna have to do some take out, because what I'm not about to do is sit up in

here with all these boxes around me. You're trying to find pots and pants to make you something. So de Vo, You're welcome. You got off Scotch free without moving anything. You were able to come back from Atlanta to a house that was semi put together, and the rest of it we're just trying to figure out in the meantime. But the best part about it is that my children are super resilient. They were the ones who I was

worried about the most with any kind of change. UM. And it's amazing how much your children can be exactly what you need when you need it and you don't even know you need it. UM to shout out to Jackson, Cairo and kat who held mommy down. You know, while we had a crazy, crazy summer between work and relocating and we are back here today. But it's not just me. I have a special guest in somebody who those videos I've watched for a long time, and it's so funny

because I've never actually gotten to her Instagram page. I think I've just seen them in transit being reposted everywhere. But the best thing about your content or her content, I should say, is that it's so relatable as a mom, and it's so clever and the way she comes up with these things, like I I don't know how you do it, but I'm glad you do because every now and again I need to have those little bit of laughter moments in the midst of the crazy. So joining

in on this conversation is Jessica Rose. She is a writer, comedian, and a YouTuber and you can find her on her YouTube channel and her blog. She really had a baby. Thank you so much for having no Thank you so much for being here. And I feel like the most popular or the most seen video you've had was the one that you you did a parody around Cardi B's money. Yes, that is the most parsible. How many views did that one get on your YouTube page? So on my YouTube

it's it's nearing three million. On like Facebook there, I would say like close to like forty million, and you can't really track stuff like that catches a certain amount of fire. It was just being posted on so many different pages. Well it's money, but my mommy, you gotta hear this one. My baby daddy chill, but I'm gonna keep it real. We didn't work out because you don't pay bills. Baby on my hip, So I don't wear heels,

zip block bags and they got good seals. Cold little fridge I keeps next to four years old and she don't stay still. Kids are in the mouth and you might get killed eating in the car, and I know she's gonna spill. My life is a mess. Why did I have kids? Boarding school is next? I like more than sex, but I can't get no d with her all in my bed, mommy. All I ever really here is I don't get a chance to be read them.

All my baby really need is a baby wipes. Put the poop, don't pull on my hoops, baby wipes for the poop. Let go with momop. So who writes this? You write it off? Yeah? Everything. I love hip hop and I love rap music. So when I listened to these songs, sometimes I'll just be driving and I'll think about something that was annoying. So there's truth and jests. We know that. So a lot of your stuff is comical. We're making fun of this parenting journey, motherhood, fatherhood, whatever

it may be. So tell me about the truth in your story. So I am a single mom. I mean, me and my baby daddy get on each other's nerves. But he's in no shape away form, not involved in my daughter's daughter's life. So I don't know if people online really always get that. And I think he definitely is in his feelings about that every once in a while. I can't imagine because I wasn't sure coming in on it. I was like, I wonder really has like the stain

for her baby daddy, or like, what's the story. Don't get me wrong, though, it's still a thirty six hour shift, so you can relax. I'm still not the seven percent of the time holding it down. He's not not there. Um, It's just I am the one that runs the ship, like I make sure that my daughter. It's it's fun and games. It's like the Disneyland weekend. It's the video games. It's no it's Sunday, like you have to brush your teeth and you have to go to sleep at eight

o'clock and you're going to school tomorrow. I'm the one that's raising her. That's how I feel. Um. We were on again, off again for like two years, and when I got pregnant, it just didn't work out. And the way that we've figured out parenting is really just me kind of holding it down and him seeing her on the on the weekends. So I definitely feel like I'm doing it alone. But like you said, a village is important.

Me and my mom don't or didn't have the best relationship, but with my daughter, she's a part of that routine. She's a part of that weekend. I get my two days in a row because my mom takes her and then her dad takes her and then you have a good cycle. Yeah. Great, it's just stressful. Being a mom is stressful, you know, whether you're married or single or alone or everything in type of attend just as a woman, I feel like you're the role that you play with

as a mother is can be overwhelming. Al talk about that, And it's funny you talked about your blog. I actually recently started a blog like Cadine, I am blog where I just feel like I should just talk a little bit more. It's kind of an extension of the podcast or an extension of my thoughts or things people ask

me to throw. D M and I talked recently about balance and how there is really no balance or there's this in my mind at least, this this desire, and I'm trying to make sure there's some sort of equiliberate in my life. That never really happens. So a lot of times you just kind of have to let things fall sometimes. Do you ever feel like, you know, you're trying to balance and drug a little bunch of things and doing the videos and maybe nihilists not on at

that moment, Like, is there frustration a Shane? How do you deal with things like that? So I feel that more recently as things are kind of taking off for me a little bit more, especially just when she really had a baby as a brand, the balance just without a brand and going. I have a full time job, I worked forty hours a week, I go to school part time, I have a five year old kid that just started kindergarten, and then I have amazing opportunities being

presented to me all the time. So a hundred things never feel balanced. Yesterday it was five five, I was about to clock out and I got a text from l A was d that said, to night's back to school night. I said, how the hell is it back to school night? And I didn't know, but because the night before I didn't pay attention to the flyer and the folder because it's kindergarten and I'm getting used to the fact that there's home marks everything, you know, and

just rushing through all of that. I need to edit a video when I get hit, you know, like me in the blue shirt. How did I not see the But here's the thing is that you know he's eight he said, he's eight year soul. It's on me. I'm not even at the point where I can start putting that on her. At Nila School, they start this thing in the morning. You get a star for the day if you're on time. So my baby being punished if

I get it. I'm not how to start. I was coming home talking about I didn't get a start to day and I can't even be like, well, damn it, why not exactly, I'm so sorry. We're gonna get you. That's when you go to target and you get a pack of stars, to be like, he's that star because you're a mommy star exactly exactly. Oh my gosh, so stuff like that. But yeah, my balance is really my break. Her father helps provide for that. So I get my break every weekend, and that's how I kind of reset.

Now whether I use that time effectively to catch up or turn up sometimes, I mean, hey, three of the rest of the week. But yeah, that my releases my wine. That's like my staple and all my videos because that is a thing for me. I love my glass of ten's your favorite. I love red wine. It's been hot, so I've been going with the Shardonnay's just for a little you have a little lightness, but I prefer like a Cabernet. Okay, yeah, all right, So I even just

reed together because I'm on the black box. Sometimes depend on how stressful the week is, I get my wine by box. It's kind of just like a little yea. Then I got my wine on TAPT There you go. I love it. I love it. So you said, started with like a couple two hundred followers, you decided to just, you know, do the video. Tell me a little b about that journey. How did you decide to start putting

it out? There, and it struggles that you've kind of encountered because we're similar in that our children are involved in our videos. You know, we're putting a little bit of our life out there, you know, and you know how it is when you create content, You put it out there and it's up for scrutiny, and you know it's all people have, their their things they want to say. So how does that affect you on a day to day when you're creating your content. So Nyla is definitely

holding the brand back. Okay, like Nyla is just like these cameras, I can't even get a good instant story of her without her being like, why are you recording me? And so kind of learning her boundaries in that sense and not forcing that on her, but trying to bribe her as much as possible without her feeling overwhelmed by it. But sometimes she gets excited and she's into it, and

I just tried to play on those moments. There's been times where I've had entire things set up and I'm like, I need her to be engaged in and she's not. So we're just gonna have to try this at another time or another day, which means that it could be next week because I have two days off every week.

You know, some things like that can be frustrating. Uh, But just going with the flow so that she's comfortable, because I never want This is not something she's asking for, right, this is something that I'm doing, so thinking of different ways that I can just produce content on my own sometimes, which is funny because from my husband and I, it kind of started out that way with the kids. Of course, I said that video went viral with him and Cairo um and then people just want to see the kids

because they're like, we love the kids. We love the kids, but also too at the same time, they're not on all the time and you don't want to force it. So that's when he and I had decided, you know what, let's start doing videos around us where we were talking about relationship issues or things that happened as parents. So that way it kind of gives the content, but it's not really involving the children and and knowing the boundaries

at that which is difficult. And then you know, n list one child, but then I have three, and it's amazing how it's still baffles me to this day how two people can make children and they just be all completely different children or different people. And having to be able to um to curtail your your parenting style to that and you know, deciding when's a good time, when's a bad time for certain things. It could be a struggle, but I mean once you have a system going down,

it tends to work out pretty well. Right, I'm not curtailing because I'm not no more parents and style, then no more babies coming from me. We got this one, this one baby, and everyone know it's like, it's going to be the right guy. It has nothing to do with anybody else what not having another mother being a mom is exhausting, it's draining. That's some ship. That's the ship that caught me off guard. It's Tyrant's very time.

It's extremely literally is an exhausting, amazing experience. It's beautiful. It literally has made me realize that there is something that's greater than me, because I need to ask someone every day to make sure that this person is okay. It's the most undescribable love. But at the same time, absolutely not again. You heard that, not again? Devout Did you hear that? Not the funk again? Because every now and again he gets into these moments where he feels

like he can like romance me into another baby. He's just like, come on, we could try one more time for you. And I'm just like, Bro, I don't even think we made girls. Bro, I think this thing where we just make boys. And my pediatrician even said, oh, the probability of you guys having a girl. It's like I was like, you see, the dude has probability. This is numbers. You want that these our effects. The doctor has percentages and whatnot. Okay, that's what the studies show.

So is there anything about parenting that caught you off guard? We're talking about off guard moments where you're just like I did not expect that, whether it be from Nyla or just something that the way you react or deal with certain things, anything that catches you off guard where you say, like, bro, like how I think that just the overall thing from parenting or becoming a mom that I wasn't ready for was the permanence of everything, right,

So the change and then the permanence the change. Right. So Nyla got here, I had, I gave birth to her, and then I'm like damn, like I really am not my own person anymore, like I have another person with me at all times. It's like the attachment to that, you know. So that's really the only thing that I feel completely caught off guard by. I'm caught off guard by things that I do myself that I judged my mother for. You know. I remember get my I'm getting

off work. She had three kids as well, me and my two brothers, and telling us to run in and get a lunchable and nice to be like this lazy. You don't want to make me no dinner. You got me eating this lunchable. And then I have those full circle moments where I'm in rouse and I text her and I'm like, look, I hella just gotten a little lunchable for dinner because I just can't. Okay, You're like,

I get it exactly. It's it's moments like that. Uh. And then Night was kind of just coming into her personality. So she's saying and doing things that do throw me off, just about like boundaries and just randomly grabbing butts and being interested in certain things. And it's not anything that's that's negative, but it's just a constant adjustment to another person. Because I got developing at the same time that I

feel like I'm figuring myself out. And now she's in school now, so well you mentioned but it's a funny thing. I don't know what's so funny about but why kids love But it's but booty all that, and I'm just

why is that funny? But then now you'll notice that she's in school, she's gonna start playing off of and picking up things from these other little kids in these schools, you know, and that's something that she always And then you're gonna have to come back that with you know, this stuff she learned at school and what you're trying to teach at home, and you know where you can

draw the line with certain things. And then I have to be even more tapped into the fact that I'm sharing my time with her with another person and we're not we're not against each other, but we're not necessarily on the same page. That's why we didn't work out, because we're not to say we don't think the same parenting style parenting styles. Our parenting styles are different. We luckily agree on the major things, you know, major things being what major things like. I think both of us

were hit a lot growing up, so we don't. We don't hit her. We don't hit her. That's one thing that I'm glad that we agree on. Um. As far as religion is concerned, he is actually Muslim and I'm I guess technically Christian. I don't know that sounds bad, but uh, we are not forcing anything on her as religion. So those are pretty important to me. But as far as you know, our randomly Facetimer and they're just chilling watching Chucky? Why are y'all watching Chucky? She's fine, I

turn it off things like that. I said, home with all these nightmares and then yes, that comes, you know. So it's hard to monitor everything that's coming in when there's so many new environments like school, but then also going with Grandma who lets you have pepsi for breakfast, but then going with Daddy who's letting you watch Chucky, and they come home to me and you're mad because the tablet has a timer and you only have you

everyone's kids. Everyone's on on different pages to the level of consistency for her, you feel like and do you feel like you're the disciplinarian. So I'm not the person you're the kill joy. I feel i'mna kill joy in my house a lot of times too. I am the kill though when the kids, when Devout speaks, the kids are like daddy, But I feel like I'm always the one that's just like I'll pick up a book and read it's been enough time with this and it's just

like my, Like, you're always killing the fun. But it's like still that balance. It's hard within one household, so I can imagine being in like two to three different households dividing time. How that can be the only thing that I think keeps it consistent would be it never changes. Friday graph picture of Saturday, Daddy gets hers, Okay, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday mommy. So it's different environments, but there's the consistency

in the routine. Okay, so there's there's at least that she knows Friday means whatever you want for dinner? What I mean, Grandma's coming exactly, and things like that. That's dope. It's funny you mentioned like judging your mom for the

lunchable situation or just judging parenting in general. And it's funny because now the Devil and I are parents, We've had moments where we sat back and we've looked at um I guess our parents and how they raised us, meaning he and I both being the oldest of three, and then raising our siblings thereafter. And then he talks about things that I do as a parent that he's like, you wouldn't tolerate that from your kids, so why would

you do that? At the time, I'm like, bro, anybody like stop checking me because I feel like you're checking me right now and you're telling me. For example, he'll ask me to do something and I just won't do it in that moment, right And he's like, you didn't do X y Z, And I'm like, all right, I know I didn't do it, but I'm gonna get to it. See when you ask Jackson to do something and he's not going to do it in that moment, you're gonna come down on him. Yes I will, because he's my child.

You're not my father. You know. We have those moments where he's like, well, you can't parent this way or move this certain kind of way and expect your children to do that or do the opposite, And I'm just like, yeah, but they're my kids, you know. Do you run by that whole like do as I say not as I do because for me sometimes I'm like, I know the errors in my way, So I'm gonna do this with

my children. I'm going to make sure they do X Y Z a certain kind of way because I don't want them to do or make the mistakes that I've made. So do you ever find yourself in that those kind of like predicaments where you're like, I don't know. It's like the times where we get home and then I make her some chicken, your little mac and cheese with your spinach on the side, and she's staring at me because I'm sitting on the band I'm eating the big mac.

Mind your business. You need to eat that. You need to eat healthy. My do you do you have mc donald's money literally right? Because I'm doing this over here, you need to worry about it. So I do think that I contradict what I want for my child sometimes

with the way that I act. But I think a big part of that is still figuring out who I am and what I want for myself, which is probably the biggest struggle for me as a person raising up a young girl is still not knowing completely who I am, who you are, so so you're growing together, literally growing together. We're going together. Yeah, and I look at my things, you know that. It's funny how I can see the

difference in parentings. Something that caught me off guard was um knowing how to style step with my children depending on what they need and knowing their personalities. So I can't parent both all three children the same way because they both or all three of them clearly have different strengths, different weaknesses. They need certain things in order to thrive,

So it's not a matter of playing favorites. But sometimes I feel like that's a struggle for you because it's like, in that moment, I have to parent one child is a certain kind of way, and it may be seen as me just giving more time to that child, but it's like, I'm not really giving you more time. I'm just trying to see if I can get through to this child in this particular situation, you know what I mean.

And that to me has become difficult. So then my my husband and I we look at like our parents, for example, and we're just like, see they were like really strict on us being the oldest, And then we look at our younger siblings and like y'allly it turned out bad, but clearly we have some things together that

you'all don't have together. And it's no shade to our parents, but it's just like bro y'all raised us differently, and it's it's hard because now I can look like as a parent and say I get it, mom and dad, like, I get why you were so hard on me because you babi saw certain potentials in me, um not that you didn't see to my brother and my sister, but they're different and the way your parent is different, and that becomes such a struggle and it's so difficult sometimes.

And that really threw me for a loop when it came to my own children, because I'm like, I don't want to ever do one of my children a disservice by not, you know, stole step into what they need. And that's to me, it's just so very very important and it's so different and it's so strange, and it's exhausting half the time because I'm just like, you could never just be. You can never just be. You're always having to kind of foresee how things are going to go.

It's true though, because I'm also the oldest of three and I am the most well rounded of the three. You know, I have my stuff together, but I figure things out on my own, right. You know, my brother they're still they're in their young twenties, they're still babies, but they're taking the scenic route like my brother. Like, yeah, I figure out what you want to do to the bank, right, give them your I D. This is how we fill out paperwork, right, you know what I mean that things

like that that I'm just naturally accustomed to. Yes, that, but my mom still washes my brother's clothes. I know I was. I tell my mom all the time. I'm like, you can't say anything about my brother because you have created You've created that. Yes, well, you have two brothers, said so the boys too, Okay, the younger, two younger brothers, right, exactly, My brothers younger. Yeah, where they're the older ones, but they're both the younger bros. I have a different relationship.

I think boys have a different relationship with the moms than girls have. It's true, me and my mom were head to head constantly, right, Whereas no matter what I know, even if my mom upset, my brothers like my mom right right, right, I guess I can look forward to that because not having a daughter, I always always like have anybody. But I said, you know what, God probably knew what he was doing because I probably not her teeth down or throat. If I had to. Given time,

we would be arguing. Growing up, my mom would say, your karment is going to be when you have a daughter. Power in word that I was going to have a girl. She wow. I saw me recently um It talked about um It said something to the effect like, we need to stop tone checking black girls. Maybe they're just strong and opinionated and what they're saying. Do you feel like we should stop tone checking our young girls or is

it there is there an attitude that's underlying half the time. No, they need to stop tone checking girls and me, I'm tired of being tone check I'm at working with I'm saying and I'm talking. They're like, okay, calm down. I said, I'm not upset, right, I'm just talking. I'm talking and I'm passionate about what I'm saying. I think that it's a perception of black women, just like there's a perception

of black men that is threatening to people. So instead of interpreting what it is that they're saying as passionate or aware or intelligent, it's like, oh, I mean, okay, let's dial things back here, checking out. So but then also to age ranges too, So if it's a young girl talking to an adult or something, because there's no right,

there's a difference. There's respect, but there's also the understanding that your child is a human and as a human, they're entitled to their emotions at the same time, right, So I don't feel like my daughter is my property. So if she's having an off day, yes, okay, so you are not allowed to talk to me like that, right, but I understand that you're you're having a moment right now, things like that. But no, she can't just be talking

to anyone crazy all the time. Absolutely. Yeah, it's like a different generation of kids now two days because I know back in the day, I used to be so nervous to do anything or to to talk to anybody any kind of way with a little inflection, because I felt like it was going to get back to my mom, I'm gonna get back to my dad. And now I get caught off guard with these children that I here on the bus sometimes or I'm training New York I'm like,

who are you? Who raised you? Where? Like, just to be in the presence of an adult, there's certain things that you wouldn't do. Nowadays, it's just like anything goes. I mean, I just think everyone's gotten into the habit of mind in their business. That's really what it is. You're almost afraid to interview. And I feel like, probably back in the day, if I was on the bus and saying something crazy, there might have been a grown person that said, hey, that didn't necessarily know you that.

You're like, hey, why are you talking crazy like that? Right? I hear a kid say something out of pocket in the mall. All right, let's go exactly. That's not mom, not trying to go viral for that reason, get into an argument. Absolutely not, absolutely not. Yes, So I feel like back in the day, like I was always afraid to just do anything in public because I felt like someone was watching and they were going to get back to my mom and dad and tell him that he was doing X Y Z in public. And we are

not tolerating that, Like what is this? You know, what is the culture now? You people are just completely turning a blind eye to it and just saying that's not my kid. That's not my problem. How do you feel about that? That's exactly what it is. I do the same thing. It's not my kid, it's not my problem. I think you mind your business for one, because I do feel like I would want someone to mind their business with my kid too, especially if I don't know you.

It's different when it's your friends or your family or anything like that. But there's less of a sense of community. I would say, it's more of a personal relationship with people versus, you know, just anyone in your apartment building. Before it was like a big family right right now, it's like you walking in out of your apartment, don't even make eye contact with me. I don't care who

you are. You know. It's funny how you say that, because us having our apartment out in Brooklyn, there's definitely a shift in like the years prior to now, because even though there's been a lot of turnover, you know, people moving out, gentrification, people moving in. Literally there's like this whole like I'm gonna walk past you but not say hello. So it's to the point now we're purposeful like Divan and I will be like good morning, good morning.

And then if the person doesn't reply, We're like, well, I guess it's not a good morning then, like real loud, so we could let them know, like, don't just be coming in and out of here, like that's just common decency with people. These are adults, you know what I mean. But with children is different. I get what you're saying. I don't think I would intervene if there were people on the train, you know, kids acting up and being

you know, wild and reckless. Sometimes I have energy for my three kids, how many have energy for somebody else's kid. It's like we talked about moms having these empty cups that we keep pouring into, and it's just like it's unfortunate that. Now, that's kind of how the culture is that you kind of just see it and you keep it moving. But I'd rather just save my energy and invested where I'm gonna see the return, and that's in my kids. You know. Also, never know how someone else

is gonna respond, right, So it's like that fear. But there's a show on Netflix called Working Moms. I don't know if you've seen it, but it's actually hilarious. It's really good. And there's this scene where the mom is sitting down and she's eating brunch with our friend. And then another mom is walking by and her kid is throwing a tantrum, just full blown, like the mom is

dragging her and the other mom that's sitting down. As they're walking past, the stranger says, hey, stop being a piece of ship, and the mom looks at her and she says thank you, And they just wanted that. So sometimes you feel like it might make someone feel better or or something a teachable moment, but or maybe you can see the desperation in that other mom's eye, like the kid may be having a moment. Sometimes you can't even judge. Sometimes you're just like, you know what, Mom,

I see you. I get it. My kids do some crazy, recklesships some sounds too, and they want to embarrass me exactly. Oh my goodness. So things that we wish we were warned about with parenthood, any one thing sticks out in your mind other than the permanency even and you spoke

about that before. But as we wrap this up, is there anything that you think that you should have been warned about or maybe you can warn someone about, like be prepared for this if you go with a parenthood, I can warn you personally about my own baby daddy before he gets someone else pray me that social because he ain't get no shout outs. So probably no child is the same like not and no pregnancy is the same. No child is the same, No journey is the same,

you know what I mean. I would have saved a lot of time not being anxious over my kids development or you know, her not talking at the same time. I know four year old children that speak better than my five year old right now, but you know, they don't know their colors, but Nyla does. There's there's so many different trade offs between what is right for each individual kid. It's so true because sometimes I even find

that it's true as parents we sometimes fall guilty. It's that it's like a competition like oh my child is so much more advanced than this child, or what's your kid doing? What's your kid doing? How about we mind our business and mind our children. You probably see it a lot with with three, I probably all had different stays where you're like, you know and then talk about, you know, having part portions of your life on social media. We've had people d m u s with Cairo, for example,

when he was maybe a little over a year. Someone was like, wow, he's he's speech delayed for his age. You should really have someone check him out, because when I've studied, when I studied early childhood development, YadA, YadA, YadA YadA, And I was like, okay, unsolicited opinion. First of all, you see a thirty second to a minute video of my child and you you can diagnose him.

But it's funny. Yeah, And it's one of those things that just kind of like you have to deal with it because you do put a portion of your life out there, so you can't. Some people don't get mad. I don't get mad anymore. I used to get mad. I feel blessed that there's only been one instance in all of the exposure or someone says something crazy about my kid. People say crazy about me all the time. And when they said something in that moment about Nily,

did you backlash? Did you are you crazy? My mom? Text? But it's like, okay, talk about me even not my kids. I feel you on that one. I feel you on that one right now. It was so great sitting and talking to you, Jessica. It is great to actually sit down and finally like, you know, see you in the flesh and talk about your videos and your experience with Nyla and creating this brand that you have for yourself

that has become a thing. And I'm happy you have it because Lord knows when you go into your page directly now, because I know where to find you. It's not going to be through you know, shared pages. Tell everybody where they can find you, where they can see your videos on Instagram, YouTube, all that good stuff. So

my Instagram is at this is Jessica Rose. But if you want to follow me or subscribe to my YouTube channel, you just gotta type in she really had a baby, she really had a baby dot com and Jessica shrode on Facebook. Sounds good, It's true because I literally was typing in she real and then you popped up she really had a baby. So I'm just like, okay, perfect. So we were to find you. Hey, Jessica, I got a question for you. Do you mind sticking around and

answering some listener letter questions for me? Because Devo is not here and I need to know what you got to say about these these listening letters. Okay, all right, let's see what they're talking about, all right, So we're gonna take a quick break, and then we're gonna move into listener letters right after we get into some ads. So Jessica and I are going to do some some

answering of these listener letters. You know, we don't have to value here with the male perspective, but we're gonna see what you guys are asking to Dancy if we can give our two cents, So stay right here. This for the record. There it is Winds for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry from my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here

it is the return to glory. This is All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realized tyger Wis doesn't know who we is best in the history of golf, no question in my mind. And this season, with the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts,

or your favorite podcast app. Alright, y'all, thanks for coming back and joining me. Let me tell you. The inbox was super filled up, so you know what time it is. Let's get into it right away. All right, Jessica, you're ready for this story. Let's see. My boyfriend and I have been together for four years. Just this past year, he shared that he does not want children in the future. He seems very strong in his stance. What do I do? Do we try to work through this. I can't imagine

my life without him or children. Help. The first thing that struck me in this is that she said it's her boyfriend, it's not your husband. There's no commitment here yet, so there's an out, which is a good thing. And I think children is a major decision. It's life changing. It's gonna follow you for the rest of your life, whether you like it or not. So that's something that you definitely have to be on the same page about. And I don't foresee things working long term because there

will be resentment either way. Um, if you decide to stick with him and say, you know what, maybe you'll convince yourself I don't want children, but you really do. Then there's going to be a level of resentment in your life because you're gonna want to have children and he's not going to provide that for you, and vice versa. So you do have a child with him and he bends a little bit, and then he's just like, you

know what, You're the reason why I'm a father. I think that relationships in general are enough of a task to work on. By throwing something like children into the mix can completely take it to a whole another level of stress and anxiety and work that I personally, UM don't foresee it working if you guys are not on the same page about children. I mean, people can change, but I don't think you continue relationship hoping that someone changes that. What do you think, Jessica, I think that's

the perfect way to put it. People Definitely, you grow together sometimes and his want might develop, but it's not worth the stress of constantly trying to commence someone to be on the same page as you. And kids are a serious decision. It's already good that they're in a relationship where these are conversations that they're having, where they're planning.

But if you're in a relationship where you're mature enough to sit down and do that, and he's communicating what he does and doesn't want with you, then I definitely think you should just cut ties, especially if it's not super committed. Plus, if it's really meant to be, you know, just go have baby with someone else that doesn't work out with them, startle back. Maybe you want to be

a stepdaddy. Maybe maybe there will be true I don't even think of it that comes through steps and say you didn't want to help me raise someone else's baby. You're finding the loopholes and go ahead, like I finding the loophole. But but no, Yeah, children are That's a very very serious topic. And and like you said, you know, I think a fair for some people being in a relationship for a certain amount of time, you feel like, damn, I've invested. Did you say how many years they've been together?

Four years? So she may feel like damn. Myst I was always wondering how old they are though, too, because that plays into it a little bit. If they're younger, maybe as they get old they could be fresh on up high school together or something, you know what I mean.

If they're still in their early twenties, maybe yeah, and not thinking about but do you have ten you have ten years in you true to that decision more, Like you said, if they're if they're say they're in their late thirties or forties, he may not want to be that older parent that's like, you know what I can do without children. I've actually met a woman recently that told me, based on the way the world is now, she wanted to have children years ago, but now she's like,

I just can't foresee. I don't think my heart can take bringing a child into this world under the conditions we're in. It's a scary place. It's a scary place, which I get it, um, but I know that's sometimes I fear for a lot of people, like I don't want to just end this relationship after four years and have to start all over again. And I'm like you said, there's probably amazing things that you love about this man, but that's just one thing for me that's personally a

deal breaker. Yeah, that's a deal breaker. So sorry, says, let me know how it works out. You know, just said, maybe he wants to be a step daddy. Go half on the baby with somebody else, with somebody else, and let him go and if it's meant to be, he'll come back. Jessica, sound an all poetic and sh all right on for the next letter, you want to read this one for me? Yes, all right, so good morning. I received my electrical engineering degree from the illustrious Morgan

State University HBCU. Stand upright, marry my childhood sweetheart in two thousand sixteen, bought our home in right before giving birth to our first child, Jackson. Michael definitely named him this before watching your He was born in December. From the outside looking in, it looks like I have it all, but inside I am empty. My husband works as a police officer and loves his job. His passion and motivation is evident in the way he speaks about his career,

and I too want that feeling of fulfillment. I'm now looking at my next step, whether it's going back to school or looking at different career paths. Codeine, how do you constantly travel and work doing what you love without feeling mommy guilt like you're missing out on your children's life. I love my son and I just don't want to miss anything while still making time for myself. Thank you, PS. Absolutely love what y'all do. Oh my goodness, hey girl,

thank you. We love you back so much. Love coming through you know what's funny? Um In reading the story when you started reading, and I was like, wow, she seems to have everything figured out, Like she has went to school, HB to you, she has a great degree. Um. You know, it was kind of like the succession that

people aspire to in life. I don't know if you felt that same way, Jessica, but me, for example, in Deval and I, we've spoken about it when we were younger in college, like we want to graduate, that we want to have this job, and then after the job, then we're gonna excel in our career, and then we'll get married, and then we'll have children and we'll just ride off into the sunset and be old and gray traveling one day. But it doesn't necessarily work out that

way for a lot of people. So it was funny to see that I saw this kind of succession of like that quote unquote perfect life that people aspire to have. But still she has this feeling of emptiness inside um, which I think a lot of people suffer from from time to time, especially moms. Um, to answer your question, how do I travel without feeling mommy guilt? I feel

the mommy guilt. I told you already about just the damn blue shirt, Like how much I felt guilty the entire day, and it bothered me that I felt like I was doing my son a disservice by not having something that he needed in that moment. Um. But I'm able to travel and I'm able to work a knowing that I have, you know, family that's able to help me, which is great. So the next best thing to me is going to be my mom. And I'm so fortunate

and I'm so blessed to have my mom. I've told you guys before that my mom suffered a heart attack when she was fifty seven a couple of years ago, and that for me was like completely like my world completely crumbled at that moment because I felt what it was like to potentially not have my mom in that moment. And where would I be right now? Where would my husband be if I didn't have the help that we had from our families. So that is super important for us.

And if you're fortunate enough to have your family and your tribe around, make use of that. And if you don't have that, um, the tribe doesn't have to be relatives. It could be a community of people who agree on things that you agree with, like just life, life, lessons life skills. Um. You know, morals and codes that you feel like align with you find a group of people like that who you can lean on when you need the help. Um. So that's super important for me as well.

But I also I'm able to kind of subset some of that mommy guilt by making sure that I'm super present in the moments that I have with the kids. So it's not just those moments of like the kids are in the background playing and I'm just like sitting around strolling Instagram or stuff. Like my job requires that I'm on devices a lot because that's where you know,

my my bread is buttered. But at the same time, too, I have to realize and I've made more of a conscious effort to make sure that in those moments with those boys that I can put my phone down, that I can really absorb what they're saying. Like I've had moments where Jackson would be talking to me and this is maybe like I want to say, two three years ago, he was talking to be a something that happened in school, and I was just busy on my phone, but not

even busy doing work. It was like I was probably looking at some dumb shoot on Instagram and he was like, Mommy, d d d da. You know, he's telling me a story and I'm just like yeah, yeah yeah, and he's like, you're not even listening to me, and then he walked away, like break my heart into a million pieces. Why don't you just stop on the ground and like mommy, Like, so, that's a mommy guilt momment. My guilt doesn't come in working to help to provide a lifestyle that I want

my children to have. My mommy guilt moments come in those moments where I'm just like, I'm not paying attention to my babies. And it's sad. It's you had those moments all the time. I mean, I think, especially with social media and a lot of business being on there, there's so many times that I justify what I'm doing. I'm not doing ship. I'm really not doing ship half the time, right, I'm telling myself, Oh, I gotta engage and do this side of the third And my daughter

has said something over and over and over. That's where mommy, Mommy, mommy comes from because she had to say it six seven times for me to check in and pay attention. But I think it's important for us to feel the mommy guilt, because the good thing about feeling it is that we are checked in enough with our relationship with our children to feel that pain. Because the real problem is not feeling the mommy guilt. The real problem is never feeling it at all and never uh changing or

or checking in. So if you don't feel those sad moments, it's either because you're perfect, which doesn't exist right or because you just you just don't care. You just don't care, You're not tuned in. So I feel that, Mommy, you a hell of a lot. Um, So don't feel bad for feeling that way. Like you said, that just means that you care. It means that you care. But also to um, you know you talk about your husband being

super fulfilled in his career. You need to have your own outlet and whether that means your stay at home mom and you just need to have moments away with like your girlfriends or like you know, just time away from the kids. I feel like that time away too helps you to grow as an individual. To like you said, you have your two days, you're able to reconnect with yourself.

You know, self care is a hot topic now. Taking the time to just kind of re energize and revive yourself as a mom, because you know you can't have that empty cup and continue to pour into people with nothing there for yourself. So you know, be kind to yourself, find out what it is that makes you tick again, if it's you know, going back into the electrical engineering, you know field, and trying to see how you can

juggle that. I understand if Jackson is your only child, he's your first child, so you know you don't want to miss all those moments. Because I felt the same way with Jackson. You know, when I was working back in the day Um Jackson was born, I was working at mat Cosmetics and retail, and I feel like I missed the person entire a year and a half of

his life because I was working in retail. You know, Um, I was gone for like twelve hours a day between commuting to and from work and just being on the floor working, and Devout had said to me, He's like, hey, if you want to be home, like I'm gonna I'm gonna help you do this, Like take that leap of faith and I'm be here to help you. And I was able to just step away from that and build my own makeup business and career outside of you know,

that retail environment. So if it means you know, finding something for yourself, um, that you can then have flexibility to juggle with the kids, then all the better. It sounds like she has a choice about what she wants to do right now. It's just something that yeah, some of a lot of people don't have. You know, there's room for you to pick something where you might feel passionate or you might feel engaged, where it doesn't take up a lot of your time. Maybe if you're going

to go back to school, go back part time. Um, just something that's gonna make you feel more motivated, but not so much so that you're missing out on your kids. Because I get it. I was the same way I was working full time. Nyla was in daycare at four months. Four months, she was in daycare twelve hours day. I was on the bus, I baby wrapped her to my chest, hopped on the bus, hopped off to drop her off on the bus, trying to breastfeed because I'm trying to

hold onto the breastfeeding. I think we all feel mommy guilt about something all the time. I was just talking about how I was so exhausted. The other day, I passed out before her, and when I woke up, I saw her holding the book that I kept telling her I was going to read that I never read to her. And I read her the book at six thirty in the morning, work up before school. Like hey, you know, so just finding the opportunities when you do feel that guilt to check in and make up for it, you

make yourself feel better. And and like I said before, these kids are resilient and they get them at enough credit because they definitely bounced back. And they have a way where they when they come to give you hugs and kisses because they are a lot more forgiving than adults. UM, So you know, don't feel too bad. Girls. It seems like you said, you have options. A lot of moms and dads out here, especially single moms and dads don't have the choice to be able to, um, decide on

what it is they're going to do. They just have to do it by any means necessary. But you know, don't worry about it exactly exactly. You still have choices, have choices for sure. Definitely. All right, thank you so much, Jessica. You know what man I said, bring you back in here again. You know, on days when devot want to leave me high and dry, you can totally come in and we can totally like chop it up about other randoms.

And if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's dead Ass Advice at gmail. Come all right, Jessica. So if you've listened to dead As before, do you know that we end every episode with a moment of truth. And the moment of truth is just any takeaway that you have from this entire episode, something that either resonated with you, something that you want to

implement later. What was your moment of truth after talking about our parenting journey and the challenges and being caught off guard with certain things. What's that one thing that you take away from today? Probably just the fact that no matter what your situation is, we all have the same feelings as moms. You know, this is even just from a listening a letter. She feels the same guilt as an established married person not working that you feel

as an established working married person that I feel. We all have the same sad feelings and we shouldn't feel alone. Absolutely, no we don't. We can't feel alone. Yeah, no matter what your circumstances, absolutely right, we're all experiencing some of the same thing. Because the minute you say mommy, Gil, it's like, I know exactly what that feels like. I

know exactly what that feels like. Um. I think my moment of truth after talking about just the parenting journey challenges, um, being call out off guard, is that, UM, you gotta take it one day at a time like that was my grandmother's favorite, saying bless her heart she passed away a couple of years ago. That was my home girl. But literally taking things one day at a time. Naturally,

you're gonna plan for your children's future. You're gonna plan for, you know, things that you want them to achieve, you know, working with your children to see what it is that

they want out of life. But at the same time to knowing that you kind of have to be kind to yourself sometimes and just know that this is a learning process for you too, and there really is no wrong way to do it, but just learning from those times where you feel like, damn, I could have done this differently, Like we've had moments to val and I where you know, we've had to reflect his parents, he and I and he's like, you know, damn, I shouldn't

have handled it this way with Jackson. I should have done this or taken this approach, or you know, in co parenting or just having a relation and ship being able to check the other parents and say, I don't think you did this in a way that was suitable for this child in this moment, with this circumstance. Maybe try this next time. And it should always be an

open dialogue, especially between parents like you have. You know, your your daughter's father, who you know, you're in contact with, and y'all talk about things you know that matter, so you know, being on somewhat of the same page, so that there's some cohesion because we all know each other, keeping each other accountable, and we're knowing that the children do work well when there's some sort of routine. So, you know, shout out to all the parents out there,

because you know, we want to struggle bus together. We really, we really are the struggle bus together. Jessica, thank you so much for coming in and joining. It's been so much fun talking to you on air and off air. We've been here kicking about everything under the Sun, So it's really great to have you here. And make sure you guys tune into Jessica's YouTube page and she gave you her handles and all that good stuff. So thank you, Jessica. Thank you all right, and be sure to follow us

on social media. My handle is Cadine I am on Instagram, and of course my husband Devo, he's not here but in spirit. Maybe sure to follow him. I am Devot on Instagram. And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate review because we love to hear your feedback on what you like and what we can improve on for the second season. And don't forget to hit that subscribe button that way, when we do the new episode, it will automatically download to your phone right Dead as

dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. It's produced by T Square and Dinora Penia. Our chief content officer is Chris Bannon. Our associate producers are Kristin Torrez and Trouble, our studio engineer and original music is by Brendan Burns and mixed by Andy Christian's daughter. We'll back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now as parts the stitching up work called Substraction that's available everywhere. Get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify,

Apple Go. Listen right now to the Distraction, right now, it's out. Do it, please,