Outsourcing Help

We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead as is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take Phillow Talk to a whole new level. Dead Ass starts right now. It's gonna take me back to two thousand seventeen. I'm like you, digging in the crates.

Two th seventeen. We have had a baby. Two thousand sixteen. Somebody lied to us and told us that if you are breastfeeding, then you're not ovulating. So you won't get pregnant again. Fast forward ten months, we had another baby, right, and Grandma always comes to stay with us when we have these babies, these newborns, And I will never forget the day. This is when I was still working at

the gym, doing about twelve and fourteen hours in the gym. Um, it's two thousand seventeen, so at this point you had stopped doing as much makeup as you were doing before, so you were at home. But I remember laying in the bed and hearing Kat's go, that was it, Cass, and the door flew open. Boom, grab my bust in the room, Grab kats up, swallow cats up in that dagn't blanket, and whisk cats out of there, right, And I remember Kid was just like Dan. She didn't even

let him cry. And I remember looking at you and saying, thank God, she ain't let him cry because niggas was tied. Thank you, Grandma. We miss you. Boom doom doom doom, boom doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom doom doom. Do we all have pain? We if we are, we know that there's always to leo me when you're not strong. And now be old friends. I'll help you, Cary. It won't be long. We won't be long till I'm gonna need somebody to lead on. Then cow your brother when

you need That's how I went right. Yeah, the clap needs to be that people was the clap. It was the clap for me. Hit the double clap, me back. I wish I could see me, me the back, lean on me. You're gonna take a break, bad pace of bills will be right back. So yeah, those are some very very vital times for us, particularly having the back to back children during I think that's really what threw

us for a loop. So any hands on deck, which is very different than like being a first time mom, because first time moms for the most part, I know, for me, I kind of felt like I got this, I can do this. My maternal instincts will kick in and I'll be all right, which is all fine and dandy until you get no sleep or that baby is not on the schedule, and then you're just all over

the place. So we appreciated that help when Grandma was here because it was just another seasoned professional in the field of mothering that was able to really lend a hand when it was needed, and particularly focusing on you getting the rest that you needed because she was so adamant about you getting your rest, knowing like, okay, guys, that was the one person that's getting up leaving this house to go to work for twelve to sixteen hours

a day, so he needs to get his rest. So let me pitch in how I can so shout out to Grandma because we're missing her this time around. Um, But mom and Dad are on deck two, and it's different now as well because we also have three children who were now in school, and it's like, all right, we need to, you know, get three children ready in the morning and out the door and then still be able to come here and talk to y'all. So there's

a lot of different working parts that goes into this. So, UM, the reason for this conversation is because of a viral clip that we saw, I think it was on Instagram and a couple of different sources where people were shaming a mom for outsourcing help. So this is how the story goes. A mom has gone viral for explaining what it's like to hire a postpartum doula to help watch

her newborn overnight. UM, and for some people who don't know what a doula ISA offers services to expecting family UM and it can be any point throughout the pregnancy, so throughout the pregnancy, during labor, and after, so there can be three phases of this doula service UM. SO the mom of two. Her name is Britney Bright of twenty eight of Arkansas, UH. She goes by It's Brittany Bryant. On TikTok posted a video last month blaming a typical night what it was like for her with a postpartum

nighttime doula UM. She told Fox News that she decided to hire a doula for the birth of her second son, Maddox, after she had several challenges during her first pregnancy back in two thousand and sixteen UM, which included a fibroid tumor in her uterus, which is very prevalent in UM

African American wom so. Bright said that doctors didn't take her concerns seriously, so she ended up going into labor early at thirty eight weeks through an emergency C section, and after her first son, Jackson UM, there was it's a good name UM traumatic labor and delivery that she had with him. Um. She also had postpartum depression and

suffered from blackouts and hallucinations. So all this being said, she ended up finding Adula who offered postpartum services specifically, and she worked with her during her pregnancy until Maddox was born, UM until he was eleven weeks old. Actually, so during the postpartum phase, the dula spent two nights a week with Maddox for ten hours a night, and for those nights UM she had time to herself. So I remember seeing the video she kind of was like,

here's my routine, you know. Um, I do bathtime and our little ritual at night with the baby. The whole routine gives him his bath, his bottle, bedtime story, whatever the case may be. And then the doula comes in at like seven or eight, and then she just hands off the baby and then homegirl was starting her bath. I think she had maybe a glass of wine if she was lucky, and she was able to go down to sleep or spend time with her husband or whatever,

um at least until six am the next morning. So um, she was able to take care of things around the house as well to spend time with her partner. Her first and all of that. So, um, I want to know what's the problem, because everybody was chiming in about how dare she hires somebody to be in her house with her baby overnight? When you have a baby, shouldn't you expect that you're gonna be up with a baby overnight. Well, let's let's let's be clear about what social media is, right.

We talk about this all the time. When you post something on social media, people are entitled to have their opinion about what you post, right, but let's be clear, the vast majority of people who comment on social people and social media are the people who do not exist in the same space as you. So a lot of the comments you saw were from people who don't have kids,

and those are typically the loudest. The same way, if you're married and you you post something about being married, the single people often have the most to say because they're not married, right, the same way when single people post stuff would be the married people having the most to say about single thing. But you don't understand you don't live in that space. So that the first thing we're gonna do is is not discredit anyone's opinion, but

just understand that it is what it is. It is an opinion based on someone who has no experience in that realm of space, right because I want to say, for the most part, there were a lot of women

on there who I think our moms. You had to have been a mom who applauded her for taking her men to health, insanity, her family life, her relationship with her husband, relationship with her first son into account to feel like, you know what, those things are probably going to suffer because I'm not the best version of myself. If I don't get some sleep, be, have some time to myself, see just have a minute to just kind of regroup, Like a lot of that is something that's

missing sometimes. And the mentality I think that a lot of women have trying to be this like mama, hear me, roar because I'm doing all the things that I can handle. It is sometimes to a detriment of your well being. Um So kudos to that mom for going ahead and finding some help and she was able to afford it as well too. I don't think this family's maybe going outside of their means. I think that was part of the issue too, is that when when they announced the

price it was six thousand dollars. Right, of course, social media is gonna sensationalize. You don't get clicks. So one of the one of the posts I saw the memes just like mom spend six thousand dollars for for a night, do la? So people assume that as six thousand dollars for the night, when in actuality, the six thousand dollars was for the month, which was two times a week, which was eight sessions, which was eleven hours percession. So if you just break down the number, how much it's

an hourly for the dolt. If you had a nurse that came to your house at a hundred dollars per hour, right, for eleven hours would be eleven hundred dollars, for eight nights would be eight hundred dollars. You see what I'm saying. So you pray you pay for what you want in the services that you need. She didn't charge her a hundred dollars an hour. She charged her less, so we

can we can bring it down. Six thousand is about seventy eight thousand, so we can say she probably charged maybe seventy five an hour maybe and the services that she provided was for the full night, like the and that's twice a week too. But I think when I then it could be you know, mixed up in what we've seen based on what was posted. But I think I saw that it was six thousand for her three period. Might be if that was the case, that's even more of a deal. Like you want to come by two

nights a week to come in and sleep with my baby? Sure, you know, And I'm at that point too. I'm assuming the family has developed a relationship absolutely, or you're comfortable with her being in your house and having your baby overnight while you get some good rest. But you're right about that. If you really break it down to, like the nickels and dimes of it, how much is this douler actually making out with you? And if and if

you can afford six that prices are all relative. You know, people said Michael Jordan had a gambling problem because he would be seventy five dollars per hole of golf. Right, seventy five dollars to a man who's made close to a billion dollars. It's not that much money, so it's all relative. But you know, people are going to hear the number and then project what their expenses are onto that person and say, why would you spend all that money and not for nothing. It's two days out of

the week. There's still five other days she spends with her baby. So you know, like you get to you go to work, you got to work five days a week, you get two days over. We can't give a mom two days off with a duela per week. Like, I just feel like Number one, we as people have to stop looking for validation from the rest of the world on what we choose to do with our life. It's our life, right. If I want to pay for a doula, I could pay for a doula if you want to

post it. Understand that people are going to say their opinion about it, but understand that I don't need your validation order to do what's going to be best for me and gonna be up here with this baby. And that's just the bottom line period. Because we we never paid for a doula. But your grandmother lived with us, you know what I'm saying. Your mom lives with us. Absolutely back in the day when when people had babies,

the village came around to support that mom. You can't help if you're a mom that lives in the state where your family is, and and we we know plenty of oh my gosh who have no Absolutely absolutely. I mean I will admit, prior to having multiple children, I had a friend that was outsourcing and she had a full time nanny that lived with her. And I was just like, man, isn't that a lot to like have

someone in the house. And I was just thinking from the standpoint of like, wow, having to pay somebody because at that point, you know, I wasn't making that much money. But I was also thinking to the point like, oh my, like that's a lot to pretty much pay a person's salary to live with you full time. But then she had no other help, no other family in the area. This was somebody that she trusted and developed a relationship with.

So it's like, who am I to judge if that's gonna make your life that much easier, that much better because you're able to then take a little bit of a break. I think moms need a break and dads need a break to. Y'all need a break to. There's time that the mom and dad can reconnect, you know, reconnect if one reconnecting after that baby. Um, but yeah, it's I did have a moment where I was just kind of like, man, that seems like a lot. Then we have another friend who has a night nurse for

each of her children. She has too, and you know, one focuses on one child, one or the other. And I'm just like, girl, if you have the resources to do that, then by all means do that. And she's talked about how much better of her mother. She feels like it makes her just getting that night's rest, waking up in the morning refreshed so she can spend the entire day really pouring into her children. And I can appreciate that. I think that the biggest thing people don't

realize what happens to moms. It's sleep deprivation. And if you if you look at any training for our armed forces, right the number one the most important thing for army resource of let that is learning how to work with sleep deprivation because it causes so many issues with the body,

most physically, mentally, and emotionally. So if they trained soldiers to deal with sleep deprivation, imagine my mom, who's never trained how to deal with sleep deprivation, having to be up every two and a half hours, deal with a crying baby, and then if you have other children being emotionally stable to be a present mom throughout the day, If you can have a day or two where you just get a chance to get a full eight hours arrest, imagine how much more productive your week can be, you know,

imagine how much more productive your relationship with your your spouse or your partner can be, and how much more productive you guys can be collectively to parent the rest of the home just by getting sleep. You know what I'm saying, Like, I think that that's not talked about enough. I can tell when you've got to the point where you're just tired, and oftentimes I tell you today, right today, look into my eyes, concealer this morning for me. You

look all right, don't you? La? A little one the left, la a little monkey because I didn't put it on. She always this is what happens. Guys. I'd like you want me to help. You should be like, no, I don't even know how. Then the eyelash be over there just flickering at me. Just I'd be like, baby, you ca just today right now, just today, but um no, getting getting some sleep. I can tell, and I often tell you right like yo, give your mom the baby for the night, and we'll just know, like, yo, your

mom's don't have the baby. You and I will go get something to eat, a seven seventh, go get some wine, you'll pump, do whatever you gotta do to get that out, and we'll sleep. We'll do other things too, but you'll sleep before eight hours and then you're good for a couple of days because at least you've got that for

a couple of days. It's amazing. You're right, You're it's amazing how much a good eight ten hours sometimes sleep will get you going for a couple of days, just kind of like going a restart um it's necessary, and even just with your body healing and getting back to normal, like me starting a new workout routine and stuff like that. One of the prime things on my routine is trying to get six to eight hours of sleep at night. And I'm like where, where, how and how you know.

But and then also there's a little bit of a guilt that kicks into because I'm like, man, like I do have this new baby, I do have the three children. My mom does help a lot with like getting the kids ready for school in the morning, taking them to school, so that way at least I if I'm up overnight with the baby or you and I not getting sound sleep, it's the broken sleep that then issue, Yeah, because an issue.

So sometimes I have a little bit of you because I'm like, man like, I don't want to pass the baby off to her overnight knowing that she's been up to or will be. I can be guilty all you want, but you can feel guilty all you want. You know, we don't feel guilty me. Look, I'm gonna be honest. I I'm gonna be a hundred percent honest. I feel as well to like, I get better sleep when I know you're rested, because it's just something in me. If you're gonna be up, I'm gonna be up. You know,

Like we've had this discussion before. You were just like, oh, I can take the baby and sleep in another room because you're still nursing at night. I'm like, no. You know, back when we were playing, when I was still um training every morning for four hours and training kids and training people, and I needed to be up at at five o'clock because I had a client, That's when you would take the baby and go sleep because I had to get some sleep. But now we live in a

space where I don't have to be up. I don't have a nine or five, I don't have trainings to five clients to five in the morning. I can be up with you. But even those days, three or four days of being up all night and only get in two or three hours rest weighs on me as a dad. You know, and I know that I find myself being extra emotional or sensitive or cranky, and I'm like, what is happening? Like why snappy? And it happens, It doesn't. It just says something real simple to you, and you

just like, off with her, Welcome to my world. Off with her head, Welcome to my world. You get to have those moments every month, and I'm supposed to just let it. I'm supposed to let it flow. I know how to manage it by now. It's not so you. You you think you manage it well. I think I do. I think I have it pretty under control right now. I know you haven't had a period in almost a year most year, so you wouldn't even know if you haven't managed it. This is what I You sound like

you got some PTSD or something different. Universe. Relax, What do I always say about that, and you love it. In this universe, bro, you'll be here. So let this be another examples. Let this be another and he loves it here y'all. Me showing empathy to my wife and her having no empathy for me at all, none, no accountability for her emotional spasms that happen. Sometimes they happen, they happen. I will say they do happen. I'm messing

with you. But and my point is it that they happen to both of us because a lot of times it's, oh, we need to get this mom help because the mom be going crazy. Nah, dad's been going crazy too. My boys who have young babies now for the first time a little bit, you know, because there's the debate about how much help is too much help or how much help is not enough help for y'all to check that out.

So we had a conversation. Um, I don't know if they want to talk about it, but a young couple and the father they don't have children yet, and the father said, when we have a baby, we should be able to handle all of the things. Oh yes, And I bro. He pretty much was just like, I wouldn't need like a mom to live in or anything. We we got this, you know, me and her, we got

this mean while she ain't had a child yet. And typically though typically though men who don't understand what goes into postpartum, I feel like they can help, right, So, and I was the same way. You know your your your ego gets the best of you. And I can take care of my wife. I can take care of my baby. Everything is good until it's time for everything to be good. And your wife, because of sleep deprivation, starts working with your mental health. Right. For example, one

of my boys called me. I think I might have told the story another podcast, but he called me, like, yo, yo, all my friends, your wives, just if you're listening, he wasn't talking about you. Calls me, right, yo, it's a bit crazy. What's crazy? I'm like, what you mean? Like, what happened? What happened? He's like, Bro, I'm at work. I'm working overtime, double over time because she's not working because I want to make sure that she can go

back when she's ready to go back. She's not ready to go back, So I'm working all these shifts to make sure everything's covered when i'm which I'm good with, right, But then I get the phone calls, and the phone calls are, oh, you staying at work again. I guess I'll just be here with the baby. Click. So like then she hang up on you too, bro, He's like, yeah, but she's hanging up on me. So then I won't take an extra shift so that I could be home

with her. Get home. Now that I'm home, everything I go to do with the baby is wrong, and she keeps telling me to stop touching the baby. So now I'm just sitting here and now she's looking at me like, oh, so he's gonna be here and just sit here. You're not gonna help. You might as well go back to work. So then he goes back to work. He's like, bro, I cannot win. And I was just like, when's the

last time your wife has gotten rest? And he'd be like like like right now, you cannot blame her for her mental capacity right now, Like she's tired of ship right now and looking at you. It's not helping her because you put her in this situation exactly. And it's funny because it's it's it almost becomes a battle of Okay, whose life sucks more? You leave to go, you leave to go to work, so that means that you're getting

time away from the baby. So it's like, oh, he should be good because out the house, he's out the house, mingling with adults, doesn't have breast silk shirts, you know, getting some some some time to interact with people, getting a break at work. And then he's seen is you're at home. You don't have to leave the house. All you gotta do is watch the baby. Hold you gotta do. Hold on. In her sleep deprived mind, when he leaves, there's a bunch of women who never had babies before

cheering him. When they're all cheering him and giving him all of this attention, right, and then when he gets when he gets to work, in her sleep deprived mind, he's at work with his feet up with all of these women who have never had babies, just fanning him and just helping him with his day. This is what's happening in her sleep deprived mind. Right in his sleep deprived mind, he's at work, just beating beating a hammer on a rock and nothing ever happens to the rock,

and sparks is flying out. And in his sleep deprived minds at home sleep and she's getting them as side. So, so both of them, in their sleep deprived mind have this perception of the other and they feel like they are working harder than the other than when they get together, all of those projections start to come out. You see

what I'm saying. And that's what having outsourced help can give you a break from that feeling as if the other person is doing nothing and you're doing everything, because we've both been there, absolutely, We've definitely both been there, and you're just ready to distrangle each other because then it just becomes a resentment thing, like well, who did this baby? Anyway? Why are we here? You know? Um?

So I can totally empathize with that, but like, do you think there's a point where too much help is too much help? Like, how do we gauge how much is too much help when it comes to outsourcing? Um, when your kids are calling me by your first name at that point, Yeah, call me Devo. I gotta get my as home. Right, let's just see a right. You told me a story one time about when you worked at Polly Prepp. There was a kid that had like a closer relationship with this driver. Then like so different.

Polly Prepp is probably top one percent of the country. School was one of the most expensive provacs. They probably outsourced, so they outsourced everything. And um, one of the kids that I coached, he said that he spends more time with his driver than he does with his parents. Both his parents work and they both are very career oriented.

So he was in eighth grade and he had he had his own apartment in the city, and his drivers should take him in school, pick them up, take them back to his apartment, and his parents defense, they probably were feeling like, Yo, we're gonna bust our asset. We're gonna work to provide this kind of lifestyle for our children and for our families. So they probably think they're doing the best that they can, which I think all parents do well. They're doing the best that they can

in that moment, giving their resources. And I think that what we need to do is normalize UM not judging parents for the decisions they make with their children. Their children like you get one life. We're all out here trying to guess and when somebody and this is like this is so typical of what social media has created. When somebody doesn't do what you do the exact same way, or doesn't think the exact same way. The first thing we look to do was crucified, judge and shame them.

You know what I'm saying, Like I've I've never been a billionaire. How do I know how I would move if I had the responsibility of not only just being like filthy rich, but also pretty much being an economy for a bunch of other people. It's it's un entirely a different type of of scope of life. Like now, their families livelihoods rely on you. So you know, you think, you know what, maybe put let me put these hours

into making sure the business works properly. Um, my home life may have to sacrifice a little bit of that, but I'm going to teach my son or daughter how to maneuver in the same way as they get older. The only way you can understand that lifestyle is if you live in that lifestyle. So my my whole purpose of telling that story was to just make let people think for a minute before we judge and shame people

who don't move the same exact way we move. Let's try to sit back and think and see if we can find a level of understanding, not even agreement, Because you don't have this, you don't you also don't have degree like that, that's nothing we should normalize. I don't. I don't have to agree with your lifestyle in order to respect what you do. I can because if I agree, then I should live that way. No, I want to live my way, which is fine if I live my way and you live your way. But we have a

mutual respect and understanding for each other. I think that that's what we have to start doing for all sorts of people, in all sorts of walks of lives, agree that wholeheartedly, wholeheartedly. And I think for me, um my perspective on this whole you know, um outsourcing help and stuff like that. I value the time that I have, quality time that I have with you and that I

have with each of my boys. Right, and I had spoken on a previous podcast and probably recently talked about just even being able to spend time with each child individually. We have four sons, Like I want to be able to have individual time with each child, you know, at least maybe say once once every once in two you know, one time, or twice a month or something like that.

So that being said, if I cannot spend a day and a half to two days cleaning the house, for example, and I can say, you know what, I have a family friend who told me of another friend who's looking for some work and she cleans houses. You know what, does she want to come over and help me clean this house today? So that way, I feel like I'm putting money the pocket of somebody who needs it, somebody who appreciates it, and we'll be able to help me out.

So that way I can then say, you know what, instead of cleaning right now, I can take the time to sit down with Kaz and do some coloring, or I can take Jackson out for an hour or deval and I can actually sit down and just watch our favorite show, you know, two episodes or something while that is being done. Because there's just certain things that if I spent the time to do, there's just so much, so many other things that are going to suffer on

the back end. So it's a matter of prioritizing, I think, what made what means the most to you in that moment, and finding the help if you need it, who's better equipped in that moment to do what. I always say that if it's not going to be me or you,

it's finding somebody who then can well. This is I think this also goes to what we were debating about in the kitchen the other day, which is when you're outsourcing help, some people automatically put gender roles on people in their relationships and say, this is your responsibility, right, you had a baby, your mom, it's your responsibility to

do this because you're a mom. Yeah, And we talked about how unfair that is, you know, because how roles have changed in society, because not all women want to be stayed at home moms, and not all women want to be want to be locked down to saying I have to do this because of my gender. You understand what I'm saying. And then the other debate became about how much not so much help is help, but how much help cost if those resources could be dedicated towards

something else. And I think that's where we have to give each other grace to say, you know what, six thousand dollars may not seem expensive to you, but to that single mom or to that couple who was just starting out, who was young, that six thousand dollars maybe better served doing something else or being invested somewhere else. So maybe they're concerned to why it will cost so

much is valid? You know, Like, there's so many different variables in each situation that we have to consider that just giving a broad statement like a mom shouldn't have to outsource help, it's like false. You understand what I'm saying, because gender roles don't traditional gender roles don't really exist anymore in society. Everybody's financial situation is different, So making a broad statement for all the couples of all the

people's doesn't work, you know. And I think that we have to learn that as people, like there is no one way that fits everybody. We have to be accepting exactly exactly. Um. I'm just proud of this mom for knowing that this is where she needed the help, and

she was able to then find the help that she needed. Um. Again, like I said, I feel like a lot of us women are just feeling like, you know, we have the women hear me roar syndrome where we're just always wanted to do everything and be everything, and then we're burnt out and have nothing left at some points and then it becomes a breaking point. Um. And I'm just happy

that more moms. I feel like our generation of moms too millennials are aware of that, and then since we're aware of it, we're now kind of taking the steps towards getting the help that we need in whatever area it is. So I'm happy for that. I'm also happy again for the village and for the tribe of women behind us. So the moms and the grandmas who do have the time, um, and they want to be there for those new families. Um, some people don't have that.

So people who have their baby, their mom is she's living her best life or she's still working and she's like, that's not right responsibility. So that's also something to to discuss because I think we're reaching a point in human life where things are evolving and changing. Right, So if we think about our moms and our mom's moms, right, Um, the workforce wasn't filled with as many women as it

is now. So back in the day, right even when women, um we're working part time or working, there was a village around them because people often lived in the same places they grew up. So when a woman had a baby, there was always help. There was. It was very rare. Even even when my mom was was having children, it was very rare where you didn't have a family member or grandmother's or so from church who kept the kids, or yeah, there was some lot always and outsourcing of help.

I feel like our generation likes to just put labels on things then to then shame them, like it was never a prerequisite as a woman or a family to say, once you have this baby, it's only on you and the dad. No one else can come into house and out. It's just detriment to the child. That was never the case. Why is it the case now you understand what I'm saying, Like, if we really sit back and think about it, why is it even a discussion that a mom gets help?

Why why is that even that's true? It was pretty much all hands on day because like even the term do la you know, that's technically right, somebody who provides physical, emotional, and informational support to a woman and family during postpartum, right, Bima, that's grandma. Let's grandma exactly exactly, you know that was that was my my nana, Della, that was my nanny, Like that's all that. That's what they did back in

the day. They rounded around. It's you. I think there was also it was far less shaming and more pride that was taken in the fact that you were able to lend that hand or pride that you can say my mom or my grandmother was there to assist like this last time that we had Dakota. You know, I felt particularly honored that I can call your mom and say, hey, Mom,

this is the last of the Mohicans, last baby. I would love if you can come down and just be here aid to witness your grandson being born, and and be knowing that she was going to be able to just kind of fit in wherever she fit in, you know, having my mom in the room with me, to know that she was going to be there of support. Because sometimes when you're in the heat of that that pain, if you don't want your husband, you want your mama.

Well let's call you your calling for your mom. So well, let's think about the changes though women are having children later. Back in the day women had children late teens, early twenties, your mom was still at that point. If they had you late teens, early twenty your mom or your grandma might be forty. Women are in these day and age. This day and age, women are having children thirties forties.

Their mom may not be here to help right. And also women are working until later on, so big Mama may not be there to help them more because big Mama is not retired. Big mom is fifty five sixties, still working as well, So hiring help now it's no different than back in the day when women didn't work until their sixties, you know what I'm saying. And your mom wasn't sixty five. Maybe your mom was forty five or fifty and had the energy to run around with

a grandchild. Because the world is changing, you know, dual incomes are needed in majority of households in America, which means women and men both have to work. You see what I'm saying. So the idea of bringing in a doula is probably a new thing because outsourcing someone outside of the family wasn't necessarily needed back in the day. You know what, I'm absolutely right about that, because if

you can the help of a family members. I've been even thinking back to when my mounts, we're having my cousins. For example, sometimes it would be a matter of okay, grandma still working, Yes, so grandma can't be there necessarily. And my grandmother worked nights too, so she would try to help during the day, but you know, if you know sister so and so's niece coming up from Jamaica and she's looking for some job or looking for some work.

You know, as they would say, she looked at work, right, So what you do is have her come up here is somebody who you trust in the family, so you bring her in here and then she's like your babysitting. Now, you know, my parents quote unquote outsourced help because both my parents work. I went to my Aunt Weezie's house. Shout out to Aunt Weezie. She lived on forty five Street and forced the Avenue in Brooklyn before moving to Queens. But she was the place we went to after school.

She was a place we went to before school. She was she was our doula in a sense. From the time we were young, you know what I'm saying, there was always a family member. And then in the summertimes we got shipped to Tennessee to my grandmother who was retired. You know what I'm saying. But that's outsourcing help. The different it says there was no social media, because if it was social media, and my mom in nineteen ninety went on TikTok and said that my kids are going

to Tennessee for for eight weeks. She would have been shamed for sending her kids. You know what I'm saying. The best memories that you had had amazing memories. But your brother and you were spending time with your grandparents, because that's literally all the stories you tell about your summer times. And then your parents, I'm sure had their time to be like, all right, we have you know, some time in the summer or evenings to ourselves is

not new. It's not. And I'll tell you my father talked about how much he enjoyed it because he got his wife back. Let me tell you something. If there's one thing that you missed during the full pregnancy process, is that best friend that you you had, say you missed that because her body shane and she's tired, she's going through things emotionally, like you missed that. When you get a chance to have that back, you want to experience it. And there's a lot of nights where you

know you're waiting for your wife. You're waiting for your wife. You know she put the child down, You do that, you do, the child's crying, and you put your wife down. Before you know it, it's four in the morning. That's us. That's us right now. The morning it's like dangn and we wanted to watch a show, we wanted to go get something to eat, like they just we can't get back to living our life because our focus and that's

short lived. But it's like, why do you have to try to suffer through that for the four to five months when you can just get some help during that time or bring someone in out a little cushion to just this every time you feel like you're about to fall,

because I don't know, I have the moments. Have the moments, so more or little story, do what you got to do for yourself, for your own mental health, your own sanity, and for the baby's sake as well too, because no, I don't say just a lot of times the baby, if anything, or the children will end up suffering. If you're snappy and you're short, they can feel that energy too.

So and don't let social media talk you into thinking that something that is normal is not normal, because one thing I've also learned about social media's oftentimes social media is the loud minority, right, So the things that go viral typically are not the vast majority of what people think it's just the loudest people and they continue to share and share, and it gets caught up in the ecosystem and then you start to think, well, this must

be normal. Social media is not real, guys. And yes, also remember the certain pages that do post these things and repost them with these like clickbait you know, titles. They're looking for a certain kind of reactions and response and I'll be giving it to them, you know. So TI is what it is. UM. But for those of you who are interested in like doula work, just so you know, like being a doula is actually a certified like lane, like it's an actual curriculum job profession for

some people, UM very valued as well. So certified postpartum doula works UM towards filling the gaps between education, competence, family cohesion, and support. UM. They provide individualized care for the mother, baby, dad, and family as well UM utilizing eleven domains of post part of care that promotes healthy competence UM, more solid family relationships after the baby, and

successful postpartum outcomes. UM. I'll just let you know really quick what these are in case someone's every interested in it, because I know my sister even being around for our birth was debating, and this is something she wanted to do. Or just for moms who are expecting, our planning to expect a baby, just knowing that this is a service

that is available out there. So they deal with emotional support, physical comfort, UM self care, infant care, informational support, advocacy referrals, UM partner father support, support for the mother, father with the infant, so teaching them how to deal with a newborn baby, supporting the mother, father with additional siblings, and also household organizations. So you might have somebody in here helping you clean, do laundry, um, some light cooking. It's needed,

it's needed. I don't think there would be the profession of Adula if somebody didn't have the foresight to say, this is something that women will need in this particular time in their life. So I think we should take a quick break. What do you think that's a quick break? Then we'll get back to listen letters. Sounds good, Let's get into some ads. All right, baby, we're back. We're listening to let us um, do you want to go first? You want me to go over? Go first? Thank you?

All right? So I love the show in transparency. But I'm gonna jump right in because I need y'all's advice. All Right, we're diving in. My husband and I have been together for about five years and married for two of them. It was a hell of a rocky start, which is my reasoning for the two year engagement. Two months after the wedding, I found out I was pregnant. Fast forward now I'm twenty seven and he's thirty four. We have a very busy sixteen month old and I'm

four months pregnant. I'm constantly nauseous and exhausted while working full time, pursuing my master's, full time cooking, cleaning, wife NG and mommy NG. I feel like I'm at my max. However, my husband doesn't appreciate me in the slightest. He has a high role in corporate and it is compensated. Well, I don't do bad salary rise, but I do definitely. I'm definitely not. I don't do as bad salary wise, but I definitely do not. Oh my god, I can't

read today. I'm definitely not touching him, and he makes it a point to remind me. Sorry, y'all. Like I said, a sleep it might be my eyelash too. You can't see. He pays most of the household bills and says things like I wanted a partner, not a daughter, or my wife is a slacker yikes, amongst other things along those lines. When I bring up how his words affects me, he says that he was joking and that I'm too sensitive. I'm so confused and at a loss of what i

could be doing better. I've been hormonal for the most of our marriage, so I'm just being who sensitive question mark Um. I have suggested counseling, but he's not interested. Um. Um. First and foremost, I don't know that. I don't know the dynamic of their relationship to tell whether or not she's being sensitive or not. If he's a joker and the same jokes he makes aren't following the same way because she's pregnant. I've been there before, yet son jokes

the same jokes now when you're growing a human. I get it. I get it. The same joke you make when when you're not pregnant, you think it's funny. When you're pregnant, she don't be funny, so that it could be part of the fact that she's emotionally tired and still dealing with a young child um and and part of it could be that he is insensitive or doesn't understand what it means to go through that aspect of

child growing and child ruling. She said they've been together five years, married for two of them, and it was off to a rocky start and all that good stuff, and then she got pregnant right away. So remember back we think of our first five years of marriage. We've spoken about our first five years of marriage and how that was just a very difficult time because very similarly, regardless of the fact that we've been together for years

before that, now we're married. So the minute to get married, you're expecting things to be different in whatever this marital realm is. Then you we got pregnant right away on our honeymoon, had a whole baby within our first year of marriage, then dealt with postpartum and raising a child after. So that first five years for us was just a

hot mess. They may still be in that realm of things, especially with the sixty month old and then being four months pregnant, Like that's like a back to back situation. So you're eventually going to have by the time you have this baby just about to wonder two um and UM,

I understand. I understand what it feels like to feel like you're doing all the things and you're just not getting any kind of Well, I don't understand it because you do make me feel appreciated, but understanding how she may feel in this moment, because I do, I do. I'll agree with her even the eyelash jokes. Right, I said, your eye Josh is struggling. Right, If I just said

that while he was pregnant, you probably start crying. You probably slammed the laptop down, throw the mic at me, and I'd be like, happening, right, And I'm like, what happened? And you're funny. You don't know what it's like to be pregnant, have dark nipples and your arms be swollen. And I was like, I said something about your lashes though, Like how we get over here? You nitpicking my eyelashes? Nigga,

Like come on, But that's what that's my point. Like if if they're still learning each other and they don't know, because we still have conversations about which jokes effect is differently at which times we're talking about twenty years in five years. In a recent joke, devloped me that he thought I would have thought was funny. I was like, that's not funny, Like I thought you would be dead serious.

So it happens, and and sometimes you have to learn continue to learn how to communicate in a marriage, even when you think you got it. And it may be something as simple as that, like he I'm wondering, does he pitch in now? All that okay? They have the eighteen months old, she's pregnant, I know. She said that he has a high roll and a corporate job. Does he feel like I am Mr Corporate? I work, so he doesn't do as much around the household to help pick up some of that slack, y'all might need to

outsource at this point, probably pretty much. She says she's working. She's master's full time, working full time, then cooking, cleaning, and trying to be a wife and mom at the same time. Ai'll being pregnant and having a sixteen month old, Like that's a lot, you know, So I don't know how much he does. She said he pays most of the household bills, So I'm wondering. Is he a person that says, well, I work, I make the money, so

therefore you keep the house under control. It also depends on choices, right, So for example, I remember when we were buying this house. One thing I said was he gonna buy If we're going to buy a house is big, who's gonna be responsible for cleaning it? And you were just like, don't worry, I'll handle it. Right at that point, don't ask me once we buy this big as house to come help clean something when you said you had it. You know what I'm saying, like, these are conversations that

people need to have. If you the outsource to get the house clean, fine, I don't got no problems with that, but you know what I'm saying, don't be like, here's a pot in there's four bathrooms I left clean, and I was like, wait a minute. If I knew I would have the clean bathroom, I would have brought this big that. Yep, that was definitely a discussion. Yea, because you're gonna get a house this size, what are you

gonna do? And I said, well, I'll try to maintain, you know, on a day to day basis, and then probably once a month have a deep clean somebody coming and help me with that. And that's been working and we have money in the budget for that. That's something that was already discussed. So but that's what I'm saying, Like, we don't understand the dynamic of their relationship as to why he may or may not be cleaning or why

she may or may not be, you know, focusing. Like, for example, she said that she's she has a good career, she's going for her masters, she's going for this, right, what if in their relationship? He was just like, Hey, I got you. You don't gotta worry about that. You know what I'm saying. If we're gonna do this marthe and let's get mad, let's have kids. I'm thirty four. I want to have kids when i'm younger so I can play with my kids. Blah blah blah blah blah.

And she was just like, yeah, I still want to do that, but I also want to focus on my masters and these things. Right. So He's like, all right, cool. They may want different things at different points in their lives and have to learn how to balance, how to get both of them if they if there's not a synergy.

You understand what I'm saying because we also went through that in our relationship at one point where I thought that I wanted to stay at home wife, and you thought that you wanted to be a stay at home wife until you got that it was just like this ship is for the birds, and you wanted to work, and you want to go out there. Then there was a point where I was kind of conflicted because I was like, man, we got kids. I don't want my wife to have to work. You know, I want someone

to be there. Because as much as I talk about how great I love going to Aunt Wheezie's house and how much I love going to Tennessee, there was also a part of me as a young man who felt, you know, like dang, like my other friend's parents picked him up from school. You know, they weren't responsible for walking their little brother to school at eight, picking him up from school at eight, coming home, and making making lunch for his little brother. Like I was eight. I

wanted to be able to be eight. I didn't want to have to act like a little adult. Part of me wanted my wife to be that for my children.

And you know, as you go through life, those ideas and what you want change, and unless you're willing to speak about that with your spouse, then you're never gonna get on the same page because that maybe something you want your Like I envisioned my children coming home to their mom who has first cookies every day, and I might have been like, well, hell to the no that Chick fil on the way home and that's gonna be dinner.

Like you know, there's so many different variables. Um, but I think ultimately, um sis maybe trying to continue to have those conversations with him so you guys can have a little bit of a better understanding who can do what in what moment. You know. Um, I think that's probably the best way to go about it. So good luck to y'all. Number two, Hello, Codein and Deval. I want to start by saying I love the podcast. Thank you,

we love you too. I haven't missed an episode since you started, so to jump into it, my husband and I have been married for two years, together for seven we have three whole Boys catch up, and I'm currently two weeks present. We have been going through verbatim version of what Devo discussed in the Superman episode, to the point that I thought we were living in the same house. We thought that we were living in the same house to be specific, my husband has been on the spiritual

journey for the last year and a half. God blessed be on a spiritual journey too, brother, especially when Kay was pregnant. It has consumed him in some ways that I haven't seen before in our seven years. In June of this year, he expressed that he wanted to take a two month break. I agreed, I will cover all expenses for two months. When Augusts rolled around, he seemed unmotivated to get back out there. I can't relate with that.

It has now been five months. I love my husband, but your girl's patience is wearing then, and the timing of it all could not be more terrible. With expecting our fourth and final dang, I thought that us finding out that we were expecting would get him going. I thought last Friday finding out our final baby would be a girl or would be sure to do the trick. Congrats, Yes, congrats, But I haven't seen that old flame light up yet. How do I get my Superman back on track? Can

it be depression? I'm tired of being Superwoman? Wow, this is actually a very very good question. You want to know why we say this all the time? Right? I said, you know what, babe, you as a woman get to say you want to take a break. And if you say you want to take a break for mental health reasons,

what happens people applaud you. Right, that's fine. She she recognized her breaking out and none this man saying he needs a break, and I guarantee a bunch of people gonna be like this, need to get his lazy ass off. This is why the the uh suicide rate amongst men in America. It's for the one to women. You want

to know why, because men typically don't get breaks. Now, granted, we do not have to carry children, so we're not gonna sit here and try to equate a woman needing a break because of postpartum or something to what a man goes through. But him saying he needs a break and needs to chill and spiritually is showing that he

has some exhaustion mentally. And I hope, and this is sad that I that I hope she finds a way to have grace for him while carrying a child, because you already know how I feel about that when it comes to my wife carrying children. This is just me speaking. She don't need to worry about nothing else. I tell everybody else, get out my wife way, leave her alone, Let her do what she wants, because she's carrying our child. Right.

It would be tough for me as a man to say to my wife, you have to keep going to work and be a mom to all of our other children while I take a break while pregnant, Like, I don't understand that, But I'm not gonna shame him because I don't know what he's going through mentally, you see what I'm saying. That's why I wanted to kind of give that explanation. Beware. Yeah, and I agree. And I think that she said they've been together for seven years area too, so, um, he might just need a mental

break first for whatever the reason is. It may not even have anything to do with children or expecting another child or anything. Um, but I was gonna say something along the lines of stand by your man, like he just may need that in this moment, and it may require you having a little bit more conversation with him seeing how you can be of help in some circumstance. And I know it's hard when you're pregnant. Hopefully since you're twenty two weeks, you're at that second trimester where

you've got everybody in your mojo back. You're not quite at the end yet, so that second trimester is kind of like that sweet spot where you kind of feel a little bit more normal. Um, you're still able to maneuver and physically you're not quite to the end, so you're still okay, UM, but just trying to have the conversations and lovingly, UM, you know, kind of encourage him to see what other help he may need. Um. It might be a little bit of depression. It might be

for random reasons. Um. Depending on age and a certain ages, people feel like they have these little like there's the midlife crisis, or there's the quarter life crisis, or whatever may happen. So in points in their life, he may

be going through the transition of sorts. They've been together seven years and they have three kids, which which means typically they've probably got together and then started having kids immediately they and and he was probably learning this woman through pregnancies, so you've learned a different version of this woman. Then you know what I'm saying, like that that could be exhausting for him to why he needed a break, And I'm putting out there first because of what I'm

about to say next. Right with that being said, she's carrying your fourth child, right if this is my homeboy, not just you know what I'm saying, my someone a reader, because I'm always going to try to support emotion, my homeboy, but I would say, get the funk up, you know what I'm saying, like like at some point where I understand, but if we're being honest and she's asking me for help, and that was my homeboy, because we have we have Google chats and in my group chats, dude, dude that, dude,

now is not the time you can and and this is the sad part, right, we don't know what people are going through to tell someone that, you know what I'm saying, now is not the time. But if we're looking at it right now, now, it is not the time. She's working. They already have three boys and she's pregnant.

She's gonna need help in grace as well. And if y'all are a partnership, if you're there to be of service, yes, you can be of service to yourself, but you have to be of service to your wife at this point, Like like I'm not trying to be insensitive, to his mental health, not at all. And I'm definitely not conversations like that, but you friends, like I specifically remember you having one conversation with a friend who had had a baby recently and you were just like, Bro, now it's

not the time for all that. No, it's not the time for all that. And if you want to take a break, I'm wondering there's somebody speaking of the topic of outsourcing. You need to be tagged out. There's somebody you can tag it in your absence to be like, hey, you know I need like Bro, I need this time, or like I need this time, or calling on auntie or sister or somebody to come in and just kind of, you know, fill in while you figure things out. Black

people like to seek spiritual help. Sometimes you need professional help. Like if you're not feeling like yourself and you as a man can't get up to help your wife, you need to seek help to figure out how you can get up. What is this woman supposed to do in the final trimester when it's the break, just a break, like you're just not doing anything. She said five she says, he said two months, and then it's been two months, and then so so she's she covered all the expenses

for two months. That's what I'm saying. So he asked for the break while she was pregnant, right, we don't know if he's planning to take this break while she's pregnant and then when the baby comes to but we don't know. She needs understanding of what that is. Like. I'm I'm not trying to be insensitive, and I wanted to to at least come in front and say that I understand that the suicide rate of man, I understand that sometimes it may not be fair. I don't want

to seem like I'm coming down on man. We always speak about holding people accountable, but the fuck like like, it's a mom with three kids and pregnant and working and now you just decide that you wanna you want to just woo saw for five months. You asked this woman to marry you. There comes into a certain accountability with that. You know what I'm saying, And that's you know it's gonna sound sexist, but be a man, bro

man up. Deal deal with it when it's appropriate. But you don't get to tap out on life or completely completely clock out right on life when you have children and a wife like you just don't get to do that. But I'm trust me, I'm giving grace. I'm not shaming him, but I'm just saying that that was my boy, and not for nothing that this is my boy. If this is all my boys and we've done this, we'll get together and be like yo, let's throw someone so a

couple of grands each. Let's at least get the pressure off his wife. You know what I'm saying, Because we have, we've done a village of men like people have, but having a village of guys that could be like, yo, bro, I need to lean on yes with the group chat without without outing one of my friends. But him and his wife were going through a tough time and he didn't mention anything Superman complex. He's busting his ass working working another one of our friends. Like, yo, let's all

just throw him two grand apiece. At least, let's say the hold his hold over, hold his wife over, and boom. We you know, four of us got together through him eight grand that's a that's like a lifesaver for a lot of people. You know what I'm saying. When now you at least have some cushion so you don't gotta stress and would helped them get through that moment, you know, helped them get through that moment. I go through that

with my friends all the time. Man, some of my friends who who some of them don't even have families. They're just going through a tough time and you speak on it. Let me throw you a couple of grands is so that don't worry about paying these bills for thirty days. You know what I'm saying. Just focus on getting your mental health together. But at least you know these bills are covered. You know, men need that in the groups too, because men don't like asking other men

for money. And what people need to realize too is sometimes okay to give and not be alone. I'm not giving you this money and then making it seem like, well I want my money back, yo. You know what kind of gift that is. If you've got a group of group chat, a group of guys in a group chat, and y'all share asks in sports stats all day, that's

all y'all do. But then randomly, when your guys know that you're going through something, you can just get a check or a direct deposit or a zel and you got eight dollars and it's just like you know, nobody's looking for it back. That maybe the break you need tapping out on your family for five months. In my

group chat, you're not getting that break. Nigga is just callingly you all sorts of names, and and you have it because dude, you asked you, You asked to get married, you asked her for kids that do you agree on the side did that? You did that? So hey, bro, let's let's help out our brothers too, and brothers if you'are listening, it's okay to have that in the group chats. I love that you asked sports and help and Bible

versus the Bible versus in our group chats. That's I was talking about other group chats and motivational tips pause not tips, motivational speeches and videos. Let me let me, let me cut you off while you've ahead. If you'd like to be featured as one of our listening letters, be sure to email us at that as advice at gmail dot com. That's the E A D. That's a D V I C E at gmail dot com. Oh

my goodness, So moment of truth. If in your household, you or your spouse are neither equipped to do what needs to be done in that moment, and you have the resource is and the ability to outsource, freaking outsource, get the help that you need to make you a more productive person, a more productive person in general. And that's the mother and the father to be a better husband or a wife, to be a better person. Do

what you have to do. Rely. If you can't rely on your village, and you need to actually hire somebody to pay them to do that job, do it because I promise you just that little bit of sanity. Getting the relief from sleep sleep deprivation is just leaps and bounds. It can just help. Just get the help that you need. Period. I agree with you, I agree with and I agree with you so much that I'm gonna take my moment

of truth in a different direction. Let's normalize not shaming people for choosing to live differently than us in all aspects of our lives. That would be amazing, Like let's let's just and beyond be open to seeing someone else's lifestyle and just saying mm hmm, that's interesting, as opposed to nah, that shouldn't be done that way. While your life be fucked up. You understand what I'm saying, like, that's just realistically, that's really what I want to tell people.

But I'd be trying to stay cordial on social media. But I'm tired of watching people with fucked up lives telling other people how to live their lives. Because all of us, in some facet of our life is sucked up, all of us, you know, and we're all figuring out. So none of us are qualified to tell somebody the perfect way to live their life. So let's normalize allowing people to share their experiences. Yes, normalizing and practice and practice on top practice, allowing people to exist in their

space and just saying that's interesting. Let's start to be consumers of content. Let people have their moment and stop shaming people for being different facts. Put the energy into your own life. It's all right, And be sure to find us on social media, y'all at dead as the podcast and you know where to find me. I am and I am devouting. If you're listening on Apple podcasts,

be sure to rate, reviewed, and subscribe. Dead as dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the podcast and never miss a thing