Operation SDB

to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead asks, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We're about to take phillo talk to a whole level. Dead ass starts right now. I'm gonna just let you know exactly what happened. All right.

Went to the doctor. Case said, I want you to take an appointment, go see about getting to a sector me. I said, fine, I went to go see this doctor. He said to me, sir, there are plenty options. One you can go to sleep. I said so, because I'm not staying awake for this. He said, do you want to hear the other options? Said, let me hear the other options. He said, well, you can get a local anesthesia with a needle. So I said, you're gonna put a needle by my nuts. He goes, you won't really

feel anything. You may smell a little bit of burning. So I said, oh, so you want to put a needle by my nuts and you want me to smell my nuts burning. I said, if you don't put me to sleep, I'm gonna go to sleep when I see that needle, all right, So he said, fine, you want the anesthesia. Yes, wake up on the morning of my surgery, and KaDee and I are late. We overslept. I thought this was aside from God, Okay, I can't do this.

They don't want me to do this. The Lord don't want me to not like a regular we were like we slept the extra like hour. We were supposed to be there at seven forty five. We woke up at seven thirty and the place about forty minutes away. So now I'm just like, everything's going wrong in the morning time, something like I don't even know. So I started telling

myself reasons why I shouldn't get this done. So I said, you know, when i'm an email, lm K and if they say it's too late, then I mean, this is the reason why. So I sent the email said hey, me and my wife on our way. I feel like before I could even present, I got an email back saying it's okay, take your time. I said, damn, okay, just drive drive. It was raining that morning. I feel like I was crying. It was, and I had gotten the night before. I was going through the mail and

I saw something for the Nutcracker. I was like, oh, I'm not going to ask about if you want to go you got jokes. I'm just saying, maybe we can name that episode this episode that let me finish my story? Yo about Yo, I'm so mad right now? We get there, we get to the doctor, right, And the funny thing is when we get to the doctors, like all you see is a bunch of guys with like hoodies on and they're just walking out with their head down and their wife is in the car, and it's like it's

like that's exactly what it looks like. It's literally what it was. So I walk in there and on my paperwork out on my chest, up my head hell high. They put the I V in my arm and when I want the same T shirt this T shirt I got on and says create dope humans. The irony of that T shirt. I have a T shirt on that right now that says create dope humans. And I can't do it no more that we did. We did, so I should. It should have a d on it created

dope humans because us in the past. But I went to sleep and then when I woke up, my nuts was finished. I was right there. He was right there, hold in your hand, holding my hand. Should have been holding my nuts. She was talking man ship too. Coming out of anesthesia. I was wouldn't be any other way, pastor peace like you used to do. Said pass like you used to do, used to do, used to do because triple are gonna get mad, bath like you do, the peas like it used to you. So yo, y'all,

have y'all ever seen Canna's happy in her life? Guys, I'm not laughing at the fact that you had the sext to me. It's just like the theatrics around everything, because you know, nothing can't have for normally for us it's always coming with chips and giggles. Facts. There was nothing giggling about this man. My nuts heard it for a little bit. But it's fine. We'll take a break.

I'm gonna get the piece. I'll shout out to Martin for y'all who know, Martin is probably my favorite comedian of all time, somebody who I admired as an artist. A lot of his comedy, his physical attributes is a lot of things that I do now just my second nature because I watched so much Martin growing up. It's almost like like he's my Michael Jackson to Chris Brown, and Chris Brown looks at Michael Jackson's like, that's that's my north star. Martin to me is my north star.

So past the pieces from the episode where they were having the Thanksgiving competition and Jane ain't do nothing but snapped them scraggly as peggs. That's a great episode that Martin Lawrence all r y'all, we'll be back. All right, now, we're back. So let's break down why I decided to have the v sector me. Okay, so everyone that's like, come on, man, y'all got one morning you come on, man. The girl's out there, she's nowhere nowhere. I am the girl.

I'm the girl. I'm the only girl. It's the beginning and middle. I am the one said. You're the queen. You're the queen that rain Rain Supreme, Supreme. But yeah, so in the beginning, you said, you know, made this appointment for me, and I went, let's just be clear that this wasn't just something that I came up with. It was like because it was funny. Devout had an appointment,

initially a couple of months ago for a consultation. So in talking when he agreed that you know, okay, I'm gonna go ahead and get this pasectomy, I said, all right, I want to find you the best doctor to do it out here in Atlanta. So um, he had to be able to do what a reversal? No no, no, no, put me to sleep. I'll put you to sleep. And I say reversal just because I just feel like if somebody is is this is a specialty vasectomies and reversals, I at least know that he knows it from back,

sideways and all that good stuff. No plans to reverse it, but you never know, right, So um, I ended up making an appointment for him just based on scheduling, because to quickly devout doesn't even look at the calendar. I loved at the calendar, so I said, all right, he looks like he's free this day. And I think something ended up coming up work related, and you weren't able

to make that meeting. And they called to the confession appointment the day before you're filming, and um, she called and she's like, hey, you don't just want to confirm the appointment and he's just like, ah, yeah, I'm not gonna be able to make that appointment anymore. And I just thought about because she kind of laughed. She laughed, Oh,

your wife made this appointment. So I can imagine how many men get cold feet deciding like, you know what, I kind of want to do this, and then my wife makes this appointment, or the wife takes the liberty of making the appointment, and then he's just like, yeah, now I'm not coming to that. How often that happened? That's I mean, we well, we know a couple of friends of ours who told us verbade him that the

wife made the appointment and he just didn't go. But I just want to put this out there for your feminists, all you women at being my comments, you know that's team k. Kay did not make me get of a sect to me. All right, So gentlemen, don't don't feel like we took an l because the valve way and just gotta affect me because Kay said, no, I gotta affecting me on my own to protect my wife. Okay, I'm gonna tell you why. All right. There's a number

of things. Number One, everyone knows that Codeine and I love each other immensely, multiple times a week, consistently physically. Okay, we have a lot of sex. Okay, we We've talked about this a lot on the podcast. Anybody who sees this out always to someone. God, you're always touching each other. It's just that's why we have four kids. Yeah, we just we always be on top of each other. And there are some things that have changed in Codeine's health

that became alarming to me. In particular. Number one, after we had casts or Dakota, we talked about this. She suffered from postpartum pre clam show, which means more than likely, if she gets pregnant again, she's probably gonna have full pre clamp show while she's pregnant, which is a life of death situation and it's extremely uncomfortable for a mom

to go through pregnant PAMP very high risk. And for those of you who don't know, if you haven't listened to that episode where I spoke in detail about my emergency room behind a couple of vergency room videos now that we've been talking about, um, but yeah, this one in particular was just scary for me because I will say, and I think I might have admitted this on an episode that I was toying with the idea of one more.

You know, five is my favorite number, so I was like, okay, And to be very honest, um, I had such beautiful experiences pregnant. UM. I also feel like we were in a position and we are in a position in the space where we're just like, you know what, maybe I could do just one more and if we had five boys, okay, or if not we had a girl, cool to um.

But then this was really what put the kabash the nail in the coffee for me, was that postpartum preclampion episode because having to now say, oh, man, like having a fifth child and then having full blown preclamption and then running the risk of low birth weight serian section after having all natural births. It was just way too many, way out the pros and the cons. It just didn't make sense for us. We're officially so we were we were we had decided that we were officially having done

having children. And at that point Codine said, she's gonna get on birth control until excuse me, until we could figure out when I could get the v sector me. Because Kennina and I had already planned. I know, I made a lot of jokes on social media because we do believe in in making things making people laugh that I said I would never get a v sectum me or every time she talked about it, I would scream and grabbed my nuts and fall on the floor. Um.

But it was just it was jokes. But we had already decided that once we were done having kids, I was going to have a vasectomy because it's the easiest way to get contraception. So Codeine got on birth control

because we hadn't planned the vasector me yet. And even though she did the copper I u D before she did birth control, the hormonal birth control, her hair fell out, she gained weight, she was moving it was too much, so we decided to go with the para good i u D. But with the i U D, she started having her period every three weeks and they were extremely heavy. Was led to her having let her having low iron

and started to develop anemia. So we like dang, So now you know we we didn't use the hormones, we use the copper, and this is happening with the copper. So it's like there's always a side effect with birth control. And it also lowered her libido just having something in her like us having sex. We couldn't have sex to where we want to have sex because she could feel it and she would feel tender or I could feel it.

And the last time we had the i u D was when it it got knocked out right before it was after the cast after cast after cast was on its way out. So it was kind of like, all right, now is the time, I guess because he was already kind of coming out. But for us, the whole i u D just never worked with us, like it just it just seemed like it wasn't the safest bet for us. Our body didn't respond well to which she also had issues with the copper and has to see a doctor

about that. So it was like, you know what, in order to protect my wife, in order for us to have the sex life we want to have, because Kadin is always a better sex partner when she's not on any type of contraception, I need to get a sectomy. So it wasn't a devow versus Kadeine. Let's see who wins, because it seems like everyone likes to make it a man versus woman things. It's like, he got a sectimy, so the woman one. I made this decision on my

own to have a vasectomy. Yeah, because usually the argument is like, well, the woman did all the work, she had all the kids, so this is the one thing

you could do, blah blah blah blah blah. But I do also understand, like that's a sensitive topic for men, Like we didn't just regard the fact that some men just don't want that as an option, like they don't like you know, and even when you talk about how you felt physically after the procedure, like give him a little insight on that, because I know too that's an uncomfortable feeling naturally for you guys as well. So I'm gonna be honest I spoke to all my boys who

have had vasectomies. Now here's the truth. There are a lot more men who have had vasectomies who are not talking about it. Is another another dead ass podcast, a very taboo topic that people don't talk about. But then you speak to your homeboys like you have sex. A couple of years ago, I have a sected me after my last child and it's like, wow, there are a lot of men walking around with vasectomies. And asked them why.

They all said the same thing. They said, well, number one, my sex life got better after I had to a sector ME because my wife felt more normal that she didn't have to take any birth control pills and didn't have an I U D. Additionally, they just knew that they were done. So even when you do take a contraception, you can still have a baby, but of a sector me is the safest way to not have any more kids. So I asked him what the recovery was like, and it was like, it's very simple. You know, you keep

the peace because they're smallertle round piece. They form, you know, to the sack right, they keep it cool down there, keep the swelling down. You take the medication for two days. You don't lift anything heavy, you don't run, you don't jump, and well I did all of the next the next podcast you'll hear why I had to do all of those things right, We had in detail, but we had an emergency room visit. I had to pick up Cairo and carry him to the emergency room. Then Jackson had

a football game the very next day. Then Cairo had a football game the day after that. Did I want one thing I gonna do with coach? And I had to coach my boys because that's that's what I do. So I was out there on my feet so on, but I didn't do any major lifting. I kept the peas nearby. UM. I took my antibiotics all the way through, and then by the third day I was able to walk super super small. Um I didn't. It didn't require much.

Like to be honest, I was. I remember going to sleep and then waking up and thinking like that, how must have asleep for so long? And it was only

like forty minutes. Yeah, I think from start to finish, but the actual procedure once you're under fifteen minutes, because I remember me too, was super tired that morning and I could see like the couples walking in out and then the guys would be let go and it was literally like a row of cars and they were all I'm just assuming the women, the spouses whatever, all of them were sitting in the driver's seat just kind of

waiting for them to come out. And then the nurse comes out with the couple and yeah, you see him kind of limp into the car and wife helps him in. It was like literally like like the discharge of a woman who had a baby. You know, it was the reverse. It was the reverse of it. It was. It's just so funny to see. What's funny to me is that I'm coaching right all of the parents and coach, you gotta limp, you got an ankle, and this is me. Yeah, man,

it's an old football injury. Because now my masculinity, my masculinity is being questioned because I can't tell people that had to affected me out allow who I don't know, So I'm just going to super mato mode. It's like, yeah, you know, I played in the NFL four years at a couple of knee injuries that forced me to limp, plus the sciatica from all the tackling. I never tackled anybody. I played receiver all the tackling on my back. So

that's why I'm limping. Yeah, yeah, that's that's what happened to me while my nut is swollen because I shouldn't be. You should not be on your feet. Bro At every time the value to tell me go sit down, get some risks. You just had a baby. You just had a baby. Now the roles have reversed, and he's just like, Hey, I know my body. I know my body. I've been an elite athlete my whole life. Like wolverine. Yes, that's what I called myself, or call myself wolverine because I

heal faster than most humans. So um, well for me, um, one thing that stands out for us as were like closing the chapter in our lives of having children, um, knowing that we're done. I had a split second moment where I was and I said it to you. I was like, I feel like I was like mourning the loss of children. We never had like something so final about the vasectom me. It's almost like a yeah, it's like a woman tying her tubes or something and then knowing that you're done. And I feel like I kind

of was forced into the decision being made for myself. Um, my body made the decision after and I kind of struggled with that for a little bit, and for for lack of wanting to sound ungrateful like I'm super grateful that I have for healthy, beautiful boys, my body was able to do everything that it needed to do to bring them earthside. Um. I did have a split second where I felt like that choice was taken away from me because I wasn't the one to say I'm done.

You know, it's like the one up between like my body. And at that point, I said, you know what, King, You're just sitting here. You were praying and asking for signs like do you have one more? And then this truly says to you, girl, stop enough. You are more

than content with your boys. You are a boy mom through and through sitting at these football games and the way I've been carrying on like this this life for me, and then I suffer through not to sound me, but I suffer through like the cheerleading, you know, halftime shows, and I'm just like, man, this really wouldn't have been my life because I sure as I do not want to be on nobody's fifty yard line. You know, I'm a boy mom through and through, and I'm thankful for that.

But I did have a moment where I kind of felt like, Lord, I'm not being selfish, and I'm grateful, but you know, I just wish I was the one to make the choice, and he was like, Sis, I made the choice for you. I was, except I was

accepting of that, and I was okay with that. That's why it made it that much easier for me to support you through this process, um and also to just looking at how greatly I know it's already um affecting you know, our men mental when it comes to our sex life and us trying to say, all right, we're done with kids. I know that I'm not going to have to go through the whole gamut of getting pregnant,

being pregnant, postpartum, recovering, then you know, the post postpartum process. Gentlemen, My my wife disclosed something to me a couple of years ago that I never I never even thought about, and I was just like, yo, why why is sex

like to you sometimes so daunting? And she was like, you know, if I'm not on birth control, my concern sometimes being if if I get pregnant, and I was like, yo, you know, I never really thought because in my mind as a man sometimes like if you get pregning, you're pregnant. We married, we're making money, we're doing good. But I'm not thinking like that. Your body literally has to go through that for ten months and then another ten months

of recovery after that. That's a long time for a woman to put all of her life on the hole getting her body back do all that other stuff. And I started to realize that, you know, as a young man, you don't think about it, but then when your wife is honest and say, it's hard for me to get excited about sex because I have to also worry am I going to get pregnant this time? I think everybody's been there where they're just like on their period, watch like shot Hope on Flow show up this time because

he was a little reckless. You know, everyone, I'm sure it has been in a position like that, UM, And it doesn't allow you to fully just be in those moments sometimes when there's like something in the back of your mind that you're concerned or anxious or worried about UM. But it was necessary for me. I feel like now that we both decided, all right, we're done. Um, the

timeline kind of went like this. So on a Tuesday, after getting some blood work results back two weeks prior that showed that my hemoglobin was now low and it was a direct impact of having the i u D. And the doctor confirmed that. When I went to see her on this Tuesday, UM, I said, Sis, I'm about to take this i u D out. So she laughed and she said, oh, did how we get the vasectomy? And I said, he's going on Thursday? And she said, oh, you know it's not instantaneous, right, I said, I know.

So what I'm gonna need you to do is give me thing just to make sure that I'm protected for this temporary moment about six eight weeks, because sperm count will decrease gradually after a vasectomy. But doctors recommend having your urologists test the specimen once or six weeks and then again at a week. Right, and they're get they're they're giving more or less twenty to ejaculations. Yeah, so you got work to do between. We got work to do, but in the meantime. But in the meantime, you probably

might have twenty in less than eight weeks. I'm sure anything we break down the man three to four songs we times a week in eight weeks, yeah, that'll put you at two and those eight weeks exactly. So um, I said, please, like, what are my options because the last thing I really wanted to do is put another form of contraceptive into my body. But I also just know how de valid I are, And I said, you know what, you know we're supposed to be going on a little trip soon. Yeah, I said, let me make

sure that I take that into account. So she recommended to me the mini pill because it's not estrogen and progessed your own. It's just progess her own. And if you take at the same time every day, it's percent effective and at least will hold me over and make sure that I'm good until you're good. And for me, it was just the onus that I wanted to take on myself to say, Okay, Devout is taking this step for me. The reciprocity in the relationship was Kadin had

the four children. Great now Devout is taking this step to make sure that now I can rid my body of any toxins that I can then pour into him sexually the way he needs me to, because I'll just feel like myself again. I just have not felt like

myself well sexually in a long time. I will say this, though, you already have poured more into our sex life over the last couple of years, even dealing with all of that stuff, which was also another reason why for me was easy to make that decision, right because we you know, you know, we have a book coming out Shameless Plug We Over Me Robs February seven, pre artist available now. But Conin is constantly thinking about me, right, and I'm

constantly thinking about her. So when I look at the way our lives have gone, and we've talked so much about sex and the issues we've had with sex, so that get to the point now where we have such a better sex life, it was just only made sense for me to do what I can do in my part to make our sex life even better, you know what I'm saying. So a lot of times men feel like that if you get a sect me, you lost, or women don't feel like what you Your man gotta

a sect me, you won? You once sweet hard It's like, no, we both win when we make decisions for each other. You know what I'm saying, because right now it was about to be pussy on demand nuts heal up. You know what I'm saying. We don't got to worry about none of that stuff. Um, we don't have to work, first of all. And I don't want to say this and sound negatively, right, but when you have to consistently worry about when you're gonna have a child or not,

that's hard to get into a mode sexually. And Kadina and I don't like condoms, right. This is not a thing where it's like, oh, well, why don't you just wear a condom? Or Devout don't like wearing condoms because they don't like wearing condoms neither. Well, she don't like what I wear condoms either. So for us, it's like, let's do what we can to make sure that we have the most vibrant sex life and we can swing from the chandeliers and I have to focus on it.

But we love our children. It's just a thing too. Where As a man, your wife goes into a heavy period every three weeks, you wake up and she's like, dang, I'm bled through. And she said she should send me pictures that she felt uncomfortable, like it would just be so much blood and I'm like, that's not healthy. It really just isn't healthy to have a foreign object in your body causing you to lose blood at a faster rate than what is naturally supposed to happen. And then

all of the things happened to your body. It was just like no, like I gotta do this. Yeah, And it's crazy, like you talk about men not talking about vasectomies often. I was, just, for example, away on a batch threat weekend for a friend of mine who's getting married, and you know, women kind of get together and it's crazy how at our age the conversations is so different than we were in our twenties because this is my

friend's second marriage. But um, you know, speaking to another young lady who was just like had to have it his direct to me because after she has five children, and she said, after five children, her uterus just never went back down to size and she just naturally bleeds more now because her universe is kind of like stretching out, you know, a par of leggings for example, and eventually it's never gonna go back down. You know, it's smaller, but it's still not the same as it was pre

babies or after one baby. So in general, she just had to have it his direct to me because after taking out her power guard because of all the then her uter is just being bigger. She was just losing more blood because of that, and had to have his direct to me. So those conversations are being had, and particularly amongst black men and women, if we talk more about it, yeah, and more often. I think our generation

is making sure that we're having those. It shouldn't even be uncomfortable conversation, but they kind of can start that way. But if you have you know, you feel comfortable in certain circles to speak about it, it can really be helpful. It's it's difficult from in because oftentimes we feel emasculated. You know what. It was just like, oh, you have affected me. Why your wife made you get a sect me?

Because the thing where it's like no man volunteers to have a a secting me, right, So you had to do it because it was something your wife wanted you to do. That's the thought process behind it. And I'm here to speak on that not being the case because I can tell you right now, if I told Aden that I didn't want to have a a secting me. She probably would have found no, she definitely would have found another way for us to use protection so that we can continue our sex life the way it was.

But for me, it was just it was it was me. I empowered myself to be like, no, if I can do this little procedure, and I did ask questions. I said, this is my not gonna be the same, it's the consistency gonna be the same. Am I gonna lose testosterone? You know? And I was just like watery, I didn't want I didn't want watery nut Like, no, I know you don't, even though it help you hydrate. I was thinking like it was it's the most elementary thought in mindset.

But when you don't ask questions, you don't get answered. So I asked my boys, I asked the doctor. He sat down with me for about forty five minutes and explained everything would be exactly the same, and I felt comfortable making a decision. Um, it is a finite feeling, Like I look at my four boys and I'm like, that's it. I'm not going to have any more children. But let me tell you that the best part about

this past weekend, I had to refectory. We had the issue, you know, at the emergency room, and we'll talk about that on the next podcast. But then on the Saturday, Jackson went out, had eight yards, Russian almost returned to kick, had a touchdown, had two pp us, and I'm like, that's my I created that, you know. Then Cairo the following day has six touchdowns, you know, capture four flags and flag football and they won their game. And it's like, I have so much to be thankful for and grateful

with the children I have. I can't sit here and think about the children I may possibly would have had if I never had the vasecting me. You know what I'm saying, Yeah, yeah, exactly. I think it was pretty When I look back on it, it's kind of foolish of me to be like, oh my god, I'm just like both of us, but yeah, we were both kind of just like, oh my god, there's these kids out

there that we're not going to have, you know. But you know, but I think it was just us embracing the final feeling in that moment, you know, we just both had to just say, Okay, this is really it, because we just love our kids. So much, and I'm like, shoot, if I could, I probably would have like ten kids. You know what I'm saying, because we love them so much and they're such a light in our life. But

how would you say you were feeling mentally? Like before and after you did like a mental prep that you feel like you had to have going into it. I mean, you have mental forward to through the roof. So I wasn't as worried about you, but mentally I wasn't well. Once I make a decision about things and then I do my research, there's never a lot of back and forth. Once you make a decision, you you follow through with the decision that you deal with of a consequences happened afterwards.

I'm not the type of person that goes back and forth. So I just felt comfortable. I felt confident. Plus, um, it was just it was the commitment that you made to me for four children, three of them natural, two at home, after having a child and almost losing you. It was like, you made your commitment, right, I gotta

make my commitment. And then on top of that, you've been making such a great commitment sexually to make sure that we are good in our space, and it was just like I can't wait to give you that that freedom of your mind to where it was like, let's go have fun and I don't have to worry about anything. I don't have to worry about taking a pill. I don't have to worry about checking for strings afterwards. You

don't have to say, babe, calm down. I can feel like I felt like this is going to open us up sexually in a completely different way because I remember when you took the well when it got knocked out the first time, and it was like, well, let's try to have a fourth baby. I remember how free you were sexually then because we were trying to have a baby and you were freaking off. It was like yeah, So it was like there was no limitations. I felt like it right. So so I have a question for you,

like what what made you get to that point? And we haven't talked about sex in a while. We typically do our second episode every year as a sex episode, and we talked a lot about our problems with sex, and I feel like we got to a point over the last I think three years where sex hasn't been the problem. So we haven't really had that many sex episodes. How did you get to the point where you were like, I think I figured out what what I need to do or what you needed to do, right, And this

is like you mean prevoseective. Yeah, I just, to be quite honest, I just got tired of us being in the same space, knowing that there were so many things that I could control to make things better for us that I just was neglecting to do, and then we would end up in these you know, bad and forth discussions about the same ship, and there was just no change.

And I think in part it was me just knowing like ship, like, Okay, we may potentially have another kid, so it's just like that that just looming over my head knowing to also to like I was still on some sort of birth control, so that was looming over my head. But I also felt like, man like de Val just deserves to enjoy me, and we deserve to enjoy each other in a space where we just don't have any limitations, that we can just do whatever we want to each other sexually and not have to feel

the repercussions of having to worry. I mean, you've busted your tail to make sure that I was in a space where I'm comfortable in this house, like we don't have anything to worry about. You've taken so much worry and so much of my everyday um concerns off of

my plate. That I was just like, I just have to do my part, and I could be better able at doing my part if I am fully just green again you know nothing in my body, um, and if you're willing to do this for our family and for us and for our relationship and for our sex life.

And you found out the benefits to of just Prostate Health Act after um that ship, Like, now is the time for us to really just turn up, Like all of those things that I've been promising you and and just not fulfilling, Now is the time to do it because we have a space to do it. You're saying, there's just a moment of accountability, like they really was, And this is this is this is going to sound crazy, but I do think that this is important for people

to hear. Like, if you want a woman to be open sexually, you have to try to remove as much stress from her life as possible. Right, it's hard for a woman to you guys are built different than us. When I'm stressed, and when a man is stressed, we look for a release, right, So it's like, then I want to fuck right. For women, when you're stressed, it's not the same, it's not the same thing. You're not thinking about having a sexual release. For man, it is.

So I felt like, for me, if I remove as many of the stresses away from you, you know, having your mom and dad here to help us, making sure you don't have to work full time. Of course, everybody can't provide that for that woman, but I felt like for me, being able to provide that would put you in a a sense of peace so that you can be open absolutely. And that's another reason why it was difficult for me to continue to have excuses. Like I

was tired of just having excuses. I'm like, my husband's doing everything in his power to make sure that i'm good. Like I can't complain about being tired, because why I have help with kids, like you know, and those things, just like human things happen and we get tired. I'm just like, enough with the excuses. I need to make sure that my husband is taken care of if he wants to be monogamous with me, And that's the same

thing I'm requesting from him. I have to make sure that I'm doing my part, and I wasn't doing my part. I can admit that I wasn't. Um well, that's that's I mean, that's that's honest to say. Though you know how many women won't say that I just wasn't doing my part because it's easy for because we we see it all the time on social media. People listen on podcasts, the first thing they will say was, what she gave you three whole boys at the time, we had three

whole boys, or Caneine is tired. And even when you you know, even when people would say, well, de Val is a very active father, Becaunin doesn't have to work full time, like why she's so tired? They were still like, but now she don't have to and it's like no. At some point, as a woman, if you require monogamy, there's a responsibility to take care of your partner's sexual needs.

But that's how I felt with the vasectomy. If I'm requiring you to be monogamous, I have to take care of your sexual health, right so we literally, in this moment, we're taking care of you to each other. You see

what I'm saying. That's the biggest thing. It's like you were like, you know what, I have to do better to take care of my husband, And I said, you know, I gotta get a sectomy, because if it's going to help take care of my wife's sexual health, she's not bleeding consistently, she don't have periods too often, she don't have to worry about something far in her body. I have to be accountable. So what's funny how couples, when they start to use accountability as a way to be

better for their partner, can grow together. As opposed to looking the place you see what I'm saying, As opposed to you saying de value not doing this and me saying what, Kadine, you weren't doing that, we just said, you know what, I'm responsible to do this. And now look at where we are for sure, And I just I got tired of trying to find reasons, to find, you know, excuses to not be what you needed for me, for what what you needed me to be for you.

I should say, um, that just gets exhausting. And at this point I'm just like yo, I just I feel like we were putting in an uncomfortable space for a while. And now you know how you're in that uncomfortable space and you feel like it's going to be some growth from it. I just feel like there are a lot of aspects of my life where I've been feeling really uncomfortable lately. Um, And that kind of probably be a whole another episode, but um, and I've been very to

cut you off. Can you just give an example. I just want to hear it, like, I just want to hear yeah, Like, I've just been feeling very uncomfortable, very uneasy, very anxious about a lot of areas in my life where you are, where I am, purpose where I'm going. And I think what triggered this for me is this knowing that we're done with children. It's almost as if I'm stepping into another phase of life. I'm trying to regain who Codein is. I'm trying to reclaim who Codein is.

I'm trying to rediscuss for who Kardine is, because with each child, with each year that passes, I felt really unrecognizable, like I didn't recognize myself, let me tell you, And it's hard for me to show up for you and I don't even know what the funk I am. I'm going to tell you why that one. That's profound. Right as a man, I've never in my life I thought about kids stopping or starting any point of my life. Yeah,

you know what I'm saying. That's that's and and and hearing you say that, it's kind of kind of like ding light bulb. Even now, even though we talk often, right because when we when we have these podcasts, it still is a way for discovery. But I'm hearing you say with every aspect of your life, you had to think, Okay, I gotta I'm gonna have a child, so this is gonna stop, and I'm gonna have to start this over. As a man, I've never had to think about that.

It was over having a child. I'm gonna just go harder while my wife is going through this to make sure. But I never have to stop anything. That downtime fox with you because you're like, shoot, I was on my way to doing this, but now I'm gonna have to stop, reset, get my body that do this, do the third And it's just like with each child, there's more responsibility. There's one more person that you have to take into account.

There's one more person to have to care for, and that ship is exhausting, and then you know, we talked about women losing themselves in in motherhood and in relationships and stuff like that. But for me, it was more than that. It was just like I just really was feeling like I need this is a growth period for me, so I really need to investigate how can I take accountability for the different ways I've shown up or not

shown up? And not just my relationship with you, but as a mom, as a sister, as a friend, as a as a you know client, for example, to my manager, like how am I not being productive enough? Um? How how am I not you know, walking in the path that I know is for me? And sometimes I don't even know what that path is because I had to rediscover. So I'm going through that phase right now. But accountability

heads help. And that's something that has been an issue for my family, my immediate family, like just growing, Like no one wants to be accountable for any thing, because there's this pursuit of perfection that we have to be

everything to everyone and to be that perfect person. And when you don't feel like you're on that path and you're not doing it the way that you should be doing it, you know it becomes to be a lot and you want to, you know, to put you want to do the drake, you know, but then it's just like, wait, how can I reclaim my life? And it starts with me being accountable in so many different aspects. So it was a lot of tough moments for me being like, damn,

I I can't expect this from my son. For example, if I'm not leading by that example, or are seeing us seeing something that my son exhibits, that's something in myself that I don't like, or something that I'm trying to work on, or something that's handered. Yeah, it's handered

me from progress. And it's just like damn kitting. Now you have to get to the root of why you can't be an example to your son, because what I would hate for is one of my sons to come to me one day and say, well, Mom, you say this is that in the third but you don't do that, And I just don't want to be that parent. I

don't want to be that person. So having kids and watching your kids exhibit behavior that it's similar to you showed you where you needed to be more accountable, and that led you to being more accountable as a wife in every aspect of life and I'm still working on it. So having kids made you a better wife, because having

kids definitely made me a better father. For I'm not even gonna like our attention to detail now, like ship life is crazy, scheduled to hectic and stuff like that, But I was meant to be a mom and wife like I know that. So the crazy part is we had this conversation and remember that it was the saying

I just came up what it was even saying. But pretty much, what's harder than being accountable and what's harder then watching yourself watching all your insecurities happen, is watching your children exhibit the same insecurities you have because you projected it on them. That to me is what tried to what made me want to be a better husband,

because I said, my sons have to watch me. I don't want my sons to have the fears I have or exhibit the bad behavior that I have that I know I have, so I have to move better so that they can move better and live better. So it

kind of forced me to be more accountable. And I'm hearing you say this now because Kadina and I do talk a lot about each other, but sometimes we have these conversations mid podcasts that was like, wow, we haven't talked about that, and even even you saying now, like you just realize you just needed to be a better wife. You don't hear a lot of women say that, And I'm gonna honestly say that as a man. You may get some I may get some flat for it, but

I don't give a fuck. We live in a time now where everyone is looking to point the finger at someone else. So to hear a woman say, now, I just realized I needed to just be better and not give any excuses, And to say you got tired of hearing your own excuses and hearing wise is like because you saw your sons and if they make an excuse that you wouldn't want to hear, You'd be like, damn where they get that from? Because honestly, it just wasn't

making sense anymore. Like I couldn't even justify half the ship what I was saying, Like, think about it. When we've had these discussions, sometimes you're just sitting there, You're like, why are you why aren't you saying anything? And I'm just like, bro, like I'm excused out, like, I like, what more can I say in this moment? And ship? It might be even selfish on my part. I got just tired of talking about the same ship over and over, and I'm like, why are you talking about this? Because

you know what you're supposed to do. That's why we're having this conversation again, you know. And one thing device gonna do is hold me accountable, and that's what I need. Um. So yeah, I've kind of just employed that in different

aspects of my life now. So I'm interested to see how Candeine unfolds over the next couple of months and years because I feel like who I'm meant to be um now that I have my children and told and I have my husband, and you know, my career hasn't even seen the heights or the potential that it has. You just get. It's in part because I just self that self sabotaging away because I'm like, I know I'm gonna have to stop and come back. I know I'm gonna have to stop and come back, but then no

one's stopping it now. That's and to be honest, that's why I was excited about this vasectomy, you know, to watch you unfold and now I'm excited to unfold them legs. Period and I ain't got to worry about nine coming out period. And then I mean, the most I worry about is a period. But it's not gonna be as bad as it's been, because who wants to have a period every like for every one to twenty two days as long as hell? And oh it's just embarrassing moments

like nobody gets time for that at all. So, um, two more facts about vasecto music case you're considering it or wondering. Doctors say that vasectomys should be considered permanent, but there's always ways to reverse them. So if you decide you want to change your mind and go back, go back, ain't nobody going back in. You cut me one time, one time and another that's it. You ain't cutting two times. And if the reversal is within ten years of the vasectomy, the success rate is about sixty,

but after fifteen years it can drop to half. About decide within ten years if you have a vasectomy, you want to get it reversed. All right, y'all think this is a good little spot, um to take a break. But before we go into a break, um, One of the questions on the rundown was have we shared this information with friends and family and what do they think about the choice. You were on the fence about sharing whether or not you do you know why you were

debating it, um I was. I was on defense about sharing it because I feel like when you become a public figure, right, people use your experiences as an example as to why other people should follow right, And I made my decision for my own personal reasons. I would never want anyone else to say to another guy, well,

you should do it because Devou did it. You know what I'm saying the same way, the same way when we talk about the sex episodes and you talk about some of the things that you do for me sexually. I don't ever want a man to try to gaslight their wife and be like, well, Codean does this. You know what I'm saying, Like like I I get approached from men all the time when we're at the airpoint, like why you'd be saying all that night about your wife? All the time my wife was saying, how come you

don't talk to me about this. I don't ever want anyone to use, especially something as serious as if a sect to me or use me as an example as well. Devo did it, so you should do it. So I was kind of on the edge on the order about sharing, but I felt comfortable sharing because I felt like it would be important for men to hear my reasons and also to hear the advantages of how it helped us, both sexually but also spiritually, because now spiritually you don't

have to worry about what if I get pregnant. You can focus on where you want to take your life as an individual, right and and people don't realize that when you have someone that oh and I never realized that, when you have someone that's like, okay, I can start this, but saying if if we have another baby, then that's gonna set me back two years. I don't ever have to think about that. You know how hard that is for someone spiritually to restart over and over again, very trying.

So for me it was just like, I want to share this with gentlemen if they're considering it to hear other reasons other than you know what I'm saying, Well, your wife had kids, is your turn, because that's typically what you always here. Your wife had babies, she had a baby. You can have a procedure. Yeah, it's like that's that can never be an excuse, especially with the

divorce rates being so high. You want to You never want to do something so permanent, right, and then what if it don't work out, because then he gonna be like, I gotta for you. You ain't going nowhere, And it's like no one wants to hear that, right, So it's like, make sure you make your own reasons. You've heard my reasons. You know. I had my own personal reasons sexually. I also had my own reasons for doing it for my wife health wise, so it was like, just create more

peace in my home. So that's why I chose to share, and I hope it helps someone else create more peace in their home. Yeah, for sure. I know. There's also like an age range where they like, for example, if a woman is tying her tubes, like the doctors just won't tie your tubes before. I think it's like thirty five because sometimes you may be going through a rough patch.

You like that because I can't, and then you just independent in a situation where you're just like ship like I wish I could have the baby right now, and which I've heard that some versions of the tube relegation is um reversible. Yeah, but I don't know what their rates are for that in terms of effectiveness. Okay, all right, now it's a good time to take a little break. We have to list of letters that we always like to dive into you. So let's go pay some bills

and we will come right back. All right, I'll go first. You know, I'm saying, since I had second you know what I'm saying, I'm gonna keep throwing at it every time. You know how cage you're throw to me. I had three whole boys. That's gonna be my saying. Now every time fo whole boys, every time she asked me about something, I'm gonna be like, you can get me a bear. I'm thirsty Thursday. I'll just throw it out there whatever I can. I'm going first today because because I'm a

milk it to skim milk it. You know, you see how she's so nasty now, like now that she skim milk, that's what you call my nut. Now it ain't whole milky skim milk. That's hilarious. Well, I'm watching my figure, So calorie count, you just let everybody know you swallow. Hey, it depends on the day. It's funny to be that this mast everyone's like spit sile spce like it depends on what they wants. Yeah, yeah, she nasty. This is why had to get a refected me. If I ain't

get a sect. Should be pregnant every other everyally year should be pregnant because the other year before that she'd be having a baby. But um, let me go to listen to letters. So I'm writing in to find out how you guys decided you were officially done having kids. I just turned thirty years old and I have an eleven year old son. I've been with my fiance for two and a half years, dating for three and a half years. He has two daughters, thirteen and eleven years old,

from previous relationships. Now that our families are officially blended, we have been considering the vasectorm me process. The closer we get to our wedding date, I am secretly struggling to decide if I really don't want any more kids. The thought of not having a child with my husband seems strange to me. That's where we were to um

when we were dating. When we were dating, I got pregnant and decided to terminate the pregnancy out of fear a child would accelerate our relationship faster than I was ready. When we officially got together, I wanted another child, but I didn't. Oh, he wanted another Excuse me, he want another child, but I didn't. Then when I thought I wanted another child, he didn't. We got on the same page for the last year and have agreed we are

both fulfilled with the children we do have. But now I'm back to wondering if we are making the right choice. Thank you for the help. I think the fact that you wish you wash you ain't going back and forth probably means that you're not done. I wouldn't have a vasect to me if you wish you were. Yeah, I wouldn't do it either. Um. That's how Deval and I were for between three and four. Actually, it was kind of like, all right, we're both one of three kids.

Three fields normal, three fields natural, But was kind of like yeah, but I kind of envisioned like four kids, and I was like okay, And then somebody gave me the example of just like, well, if they're doubling up on the roller coaster, somebody's gonna be right themselves. You know, it was just a little funny things like that, But I knew deep down that I was not finished. I

knew deep down. So it's literally a gut feeling that you feel, and it's kind of like definitive UM, at least for women who have spoken to and like I expressed in this podcast episode, I felt that the decision was kind of made for me when I was praying for UM. I'm praying for a sign and and God gave me that. So if you haven't gotten your signances, this might be your sign actually that you're not done.

And I can see that one. And even if you have your own child, you know, outside of your your spouse, and then he has his own children, like wanting that to bond together, having that one child together might be the thing that you need. So I would agree for for him, for example, if he says that he's done having kids, because there are some men who like I,

don't want any more kids. It's not just women. If you're a man who just decided you don't want to have any more kids, I think you should speak to your spouse about it before you have a v sectomy. I would never go and just have a va sectomy without telling my spouse. But if you're if you're a man, and you decide you don't want to have more kids,

you want to have ava sector me. It's your body, it's your choice, the same way a woman can decide whether she wants to terminate a pregnancy or not, whether she wants to be on birth control or not. If he wants to have a vasectomy, and you guys collectively decide that that's the way you want to go do that, But it has to be a collective decision Codeina and I also talk about I don't even talk about it in the book, but I'm telling you y'all gotta read it.

When y'all read the book, you're going to learn a lot about us and the decisions we had to make when we were dating, especially as as uh teenagers, self decisions and self decisions were made. Were here to talk about it, right about it? Yes, be in constant communication with each other, and don't make a finite decision like a vasectomy until you're sure absolutely all right, Hey they're getting a deville. Let me say, I adore you guys,

thank you. I don't have any married people in my life, so I get insight on relationships and it's been truly helpful to me. So thank you all for being so honest. I'm a thirty year old single woman with a ten year old daughter for context, I have a great paying job and I'm finishing my degree in political science. I am finally at the age in position where I'm ready to actually date and settle down. So that has started my dating process with a purpose journey. I must say,

the dating pool is trash, y'all. So we've been hearing um. I really want to find the parents of these men and ask them what the hell this is. I have a list of qualities I look for, and I'm MutS say. Devo has shown me the way men should carry themselves. I want to be clear, I'm not looking for a Devo or comparing every man to Devo. But I listened to what Devo says about men and how they operate and base my list off of that. I look for men that you can handle. Listen some big as us

to fail over, hey, baby, um. I look for men that can handle themselves in the multitude of settings. One that has consistent work, work or consistent source of income. M A man that has plans for the future, men that can effectively communicate and that have the potential to lead as some of the main thing. I updated a few men over the past two years, and they've all lacked one or more of these qualities that I desire. We may have great chemistry, but I can't see any

long term plans with these men. I'll normally say, Okay, we are semi young, so we have we are all still growing. But by the second X on my list, I'm running for the hills. Am expectations too high for a man? Or should I stick to the things that I require and keep searching the dating pool for what I want? I feel if I shortened my list, I may be settling because I get older. I'm getting older and these eggs will be dust soon. Um please let

me know what you guys think. Love all It's p S. When I saw the opening for the team of the first time, I got teary eyed. I've been on this journey with you all for years and I'm just so proud of Devot and all his accomplishments. You guys a family, and I love to see all in Thank you, sis, thank you so much. Thanks to celebrate and Devot because it's the team, and that show was all him. People like to celebrate Devot and I together, but that was all.

They congratulate me for the team, and I'm like, congratulate him. That was all him. So um so thank you for that sis. Alright, so Devot, don't I don't settle, Listen, I don't ever. I will never in my life tell anybody this is too long. No, you know what I wanted. I wanted a beautiful woman with a sense of humor, with a fat ass, with a pig face, with long hair that's funny. And that's what I got, and and and and when I think about my life, I didn't

settle for anything in any aspect of my life. When they came to sports, when it came to academia, when they came to building my businesses, when it came to my TV career, I just never settled. So when people say, should I settle off? My list too long? I say no, No. If you looked at my list for all the things I wanted my life, not just my woman, but where I want to live, how I want to live, how many kids I wanted, what I wanted to do with

my life. I've never settled. The idea of settling, to me, is a recipe for disaster because the minute you settle, and you settle with that person, when you're not getting the things that you really desired, you're gonna have resentment towards that person. And it's not fair to that person that you settled with them. And you know what I'm saying. You settled with them, and I was like, you're not anything I ever wanted. Well, you chose that, motherfucker. Don't settle.

Work your ass off and be deliberate about what you want until you get it, period for sure. And since just make sure that when you have your list of things that you're looking for with a man, that you're bringing something to the table as well too, because a lot of times, okay, one thing we're good for is a list. This be good for a list. We're doing all these things that we know that we want this man to have. And you know you want that build a beer man, But since do you have the qualities

that can match someone who you're trying to pull. Make sure that you are deliberate about that as well too, because it can be a problem. Okay, no, no, no, you're right, I'm looking at you know, I'm looking at you know. You're actually right because when I said I don't settle and I have my list, right, and I thought about all the things I wanted in a woman, I definitely said, is the woman that I desire? Does

the woman that I desire desire me? And if if I feel like they don't desire me, I have to build myself up to be desirable for the type of woman that I want. So you just really touched on something. If you have a list, make sure you have a list of your own, and then you can put yourself in that category be deserving of that. So you definitely touched and I didn't touch on that. That was always

big on settling. But you're absolutely right, right, No, absolutely, I mean I agree to like, don't settle at all for sure. But in addition to that, just make sure that because sometimes you fall into these traps or whatever, at least her seeing with dating is that you keep talking about you know, many shiped women ship because of the type of what we spoke about. This the type of person that you're attracting or the type of person

that you're you know you're ending up with. It. There's a similar pattern of these people having the same qualities. It's probably because you list sucked up or because you know you're looking at the wrong pool of people. So, UM, good luck to use this. I'm sure that he's out there and in the meantime, says, freeze your eggs. That's one piece of advice I have for you. Like that was something else that we spoke about the second marriage back to rette party, is that we're in an age

group where women are talking about ship. I'm still single, I'm thirty something years old, and you know, I'm considering wanted to have children. How is that going to happen for me? And then my sister now working in fertility UM, she has been giving a lot of insight to the friends of mine about what the procedures are. If you are one to have children but not quite ready yet or don't have a partner, UM, consider freezing your eggs.

At least they'll be UM in a good space, viable eggs, so when you're ready, you can make that happen for yourself. So good luck to you. S s all right. If you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead as Advice at gmail. Dot com. That's d E A d A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. Alright, time for moment of truth. We're talking to vows vasectomy. What's the today's episode going to be called? So we can't just call it Devows episode, DeVos e sectomy. We can

call it these nuts of the Nutcracker. I think it's super cute too. That's not it's not going to be the name. Well, fine, Um, do you have a moment of truth now that you've been the one to experience this process and this journey? Um, what do you have to say? My My moment of truth in this whole process is that I've reached the point where I realized that the greater good of my family is more important than my needs and my wants. No, I never wanted to get a vasectomy. I was afraid of the pain.

I was afraid of being emasculated because I could no longer having kids. But when I look at our family in totality, and I look at how it can help you health wise, UM, putting the limit on how many kids we have so that I can give a certain amount of attention to all the kids, but also help you spiritually feel like you don't have to worry about what's going to be next if you have another child. It was so worth it, And if I had to do it again the same way, I definitely would do

it again. I love that. I guess my moment of truth is like a thank you to you, UM for just seeing me, you know, in this space, because all of the vasectomy had nothing really to do with me, because I'm not physically going through it. UM, thank you for seeing that I was in a space where I needed help and for the betterment of my health, for the betterment of our relationship, our sex life, and just

our life in general. Because we're at the age now we're concerned about each other's health and how we're able to prolong this life together UM from a from a health standpoint, UM, from a mental standpoint UM. And we just want to continue to grow into whatever greatness we have for each other. And I feel like we're at a space now where we can just finally say, once you get that last test eight weeks from now, ejaculations, we're gonna get on that soon as soon as you can.

But I just I'm just excited to see where this next level of life is going to go for us because, like I said, I feel like I've been super uncomfortable lately with myself and UM, growth is inevitable when I'm in a space like this, and I'm just happy that I can do it alongside you. Let's fighting back. Here's this episode. I love I love you. You know that there's no other way to warm your girls, hurt getting

your It's just I don't know about that. I don't know how we took that turn there, but I say that in jest. But now I love you, and I thank you for always considering me and for seeing me um, and I thank you for doing this because you do that for me. I feel like you deserve to enjoy what's left of our lives together along one and a happy sex sex sexually. I want to say we can explore each other in different ways now would be great.

I'm looking forward to that. I can't wait. Let's see what season ten and living in twil Alright, y'all be sure to follow us on the podcast page. It's dead as the podcast and you can find me at Cadena. I am and I am devout. And if you're listening to Apple podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe.

Dead Ass Baby dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by the Norapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcast and Never miss a Thing