This is our last toy, y'all. Hey, why you're so excited. Look how excited it is. Well, I'm not excited.
You know. It's funny because live shows are actually my most favorite thing to do.
I can't tell you're supposed to say dead ass.
I was supposed to say dead ass ass.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with our.
Boys and reading each other publicly as.
A form of therapy. Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married.
Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We about to take Billows off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
Story time. Oh my god, I'm gonna take y'all back to two thousand and nineteen. That was the first time we did a live show.
Was it twenty nineteen?
Yes? It was. And as a matter of fact, Nah, I'm gonna take y'all back to two thousand and eighteen. Caudeen and I was on the Black Love panel and they did the Black Love Live panel, and this was in LA. It was us Sternley K. Brown and his wife. Who's the other couple, Oh, it's Tommy and Cody?
Was it Michael Jah White?
On that?
No?
Not on that, depending on LA. It was just us three couples. And I had told the story about the stroller and how you cursed me out for what you thought was given away the stroller which wasn't given away.
It was at my brother's house. Yes, yes, And in that moment, I had saw the reaction from the crowd that I had never saw before while I was telling the stories, and I was like, man, I actually loved telling these stories, but the feeling you get from telling the stories as opposed to creating a post on Instagram was completely different. And it was in that moment that I was just like, we need to go on tour. And that's when I came up with Devo's Truth Live.
Yes.
Posted by Kadeen. You would be hosting the whole storytelling and us going back and forth, which is ultimately that ass podcast.
Right, because it was giving us stand up esque kind of feel but encompassing what the podcast show was like throwing down.
Yeah, because the whole idea to me was, we've never seen a stand up comedian tell stories about his family when his wife was there actually being able to either coroborate the story or be like niney of you lie right right right. And I just felt like it was a different dynamic that we've ever seen from anyone, And since I don't consider myself a stand up it was just a way for us to do our show in that way. So that was it only made sense, and then it morphed into the Dead Ass Podcast and then
ultimately now Dead Ass Podcast Live. Dang, what song are we going to sing karaoke?
What was one of our most popular songs? I feel like on tour people love dreams of nightmares?
I was just about to say every time we closed this show and you hear hold on, wait a minute, y'all thought I was finished when I.
Bought that, as in many y'all thought it was rented.
It always turns the crowd like the crowd gets hype as a way to close it, because everybody knows dreams and nightmares, like the ultimate Hype song. They played that before every basketball, football, baseball, soccer game, So the play at the end of our live show was just like it only made sense. And the first time we played it we were in Philly.
We did about that, which makes sense because all that. But we also had a couple of other good ones, like think about those songs that when you hear it, when black people are together in one space, we can't help but go into chorus.
I think one is what's that Keisha Coole song?
You know what I'm thinking about? Oh? Yes, yep?
And that song goes another good one, Can we Talk?
It's like cany I can see all right now? I think that song every black person get up, start doing the lectric.
That's a fact. You can't glaze over. Can't we talk?
Though?
That's another one that I was to.
Glaze over and you can pause that because I'm not glazing anything but everybody, especially since the challenge came out, which.
Challenge can we Talk?
Challenge? Yeah, exactly, You're gonna try and sing because I know I'm not.
The super star Challenge.
You said, we're not gonna close over can we talk? You're not gonna do the can we talk? Don't glaze over it?
What say it? Wait? What the whole song? Not just the challenge for what's the challenge part?
Again? I forget because my mind is is on Superstar now by us?
Sure it the same person that told me all right, so we just glazed up. She literally said we're not gonna glaze over can we talk? And then I said, well go singing? She said, we will we at the Superstar Challenge. Now, how you gonna do that?
Welcome to our karaoke confilation, y'all, as we prepare for the Dead Ass Live Show. Yes, let's get it together and we're gonna pay some bills to come back, and we're gonna talk about preparing for the tour, what it's looking like for us, why this might be our last tour for now, and hopefully we can get some clarity for y'all about what's gonna be happening when we're out there in February. So stick around, we'll be back, all right. I forgot that that was really how we came up
with the Dead Ass Live Show. Yes, that it was really when we had to sit down on stage with Cody and Tommy and Sterling and Ryan, but also too, I remember us going to the live show for the read Yes with Crystalline and Kid and.
Yeah, we love the read.
The first podcast that started to talk about you and I and we started to get some momentum from the read. So we always have to give a shout out to the read. Kid, this is my guy, Brom He's he's freaking.
And Crystal shout out to the read. They're the ones who really are for us, are like the fairy god parents.
Of pod podcasting, because that's what we looked at.
We did, we did, and they're still doing their things, so go into their live show as well too. We were like, wow, this is like pretty much like the podcast, but we get to see them in person. So it was like the perfect marriage for Deval and I when we were trying to curate what the Dead Ass live
experience was going to look like. It's having the entertainment portion of it, where devalas of course doing his elaborate story times that I'm there to either confirm or deny whether the story is true or not, and then getting audience participation because of course that's the one thing that we're missing when we have podcasts that we record like this, right, he and I are just answering things, But then there's the listener letter portion where we get to have the
audience interacting with us and asking questions live and in the moment. And Yeah, this time around, I think Deval and I were really looking for a way to kind of we've been saying go out with a bang. So what does that mean for you, babe, telling these folks that we're going out with a bang?
Well, the first thing is is going out not because we necessarily just don't want to do it anymore. We clearly still want to do it. The problem is finding time to prepare around my filming schedule and our parenting schedule and actually putting on the show that we feel is good enough to be dead ass podcast. That's your biggest issue? Sure, last year we did a show in August, and then we did another show again in February, so it was literally about five to six months in between
and and planning that show. It was a lot. It was very taxing.
On us the year before.
Yeah, well, no, twenty twenty twenty three, we did it in just February, but then twenty twenty two we did it in August, so we actually did two shows in two rounds of shows in one year. And the way we picked the shows for people who keep asking us, how come y'all to come here? How can you come there? Right, we are picking the shows in the locations based on weather.
Because last year we did Detroit and Chicago in February and we almost didn't have a Detroit show because there was a weather emergency and there was a blizzard and a lot of people were telling us, you might want to cancel the show, but we were like, we can't cancel the show because if we do, we won't know when we'll be able to come back. And we've had over a thousand people buy tickets.
Shout out to Detroit.
Y'all are resilient af facts, And for them, I think the people in Detroit, they were just like, well, it's just another snow day out here, yep, you know, So everybody still came out like the house was sacked. And we love y'all for that, Detroit. So of course we do want to run it back, but we may run it back if we do in the future.
In the summer months, Detroit and Chicago in the summertime, that'll be great. We also did LA in February last year and it rained the two days that we were in LA. So now we're trying to figure out what's the best time to do a tour. But we also realized the only time for us to do a tour is in February during pilot season because once March and April comes around, I'm typically filming. Yeah, so we can't
even do it in the spring. The summertime we've dedicated to our family, we dedicated to the boys, and then in the fall, I'm typically filming sisters or as a team on. So right now, the only time we have is February, and we don't want to just continue to give you guys the bare minimum. We tried to up the ante every time, but that requires a lot more planning.
So listen, y'all. The one thing we ain't trying to do is playing y'all face.
Okay, So we're not going to tell y'all to come out to a show, make it a thing, make it a weekend or whatever, and then deliver.
A mediocre show.
Not doing that, we're always trying to find ways to elevate the experience.
Facts.
How do we feel about our first live show versus the last one? I mean, man, so much evolution I think has taken place from the first show to the last one we did. The last show was Chicago. The very first show was that in Philadelphia. Philadelphia was Brooklyn.
No, the very first show was in Philadelphia. We finished in Brooklyn.
Yes, you're right.
The very first show was your Philadelphia. I can't remember the name of the theater. It was about a four hundred seat venue. Yeah, the crowd was amazing. That's why we always go back to Philly whenever we do in northeast toilways go back to Philly.
For sure.
I felt good because of course it was a smaller venue, so we were actually trying some things out. But I learned then that you and I worked really well in a live situation like it was. It was so much fun because we got to bounce off of each other and the audience.
And I was going to say, the audience energy and everything for us that Philly shall remember exactly the Philly she I remember being super nervous. We had like a small meet and greet before and it's something about just meeting y'all in person that I know when people approach us sometimes they're like, oh my god, I can't believe, like I'm so meeting you. But I get nervous meeting y'all sometimes because I never want for anyone to meet me and they feel like, damn, like Kadeen didn't live
up to whatever I expected her to be. You know what I'm saying, Like, that's always something that I take into consideration. And of course, you know, you may find me in a moment where I might be in the middle of like my mind, or I'm traveling with the kids, or like we just went through TSA the other day and they took my child butter from me and I was so mad about it and shout out to homeboy
at TSA. Sorry, bro, wasn't you. It's just like I've traveled with that so many times before, and the one time I travel this time, you want to take it for me?
She was gude. I'm like, he didn't make the rule. All he's doing is enforcing the rules of the day.
Just want the rules to be consistent, y'all. Come on, heart to feel Atlanta be consistent. I want the same travel experience every time. But AnyWho, I just say that to say, whenever I meet y'all, I love to have that energy in person.
We feed off of you.
That's why I think also too, for us some show venues, we think one show is maybe better than the other because the audience participation, the vibe that you give to us helps us to deliver a show to you. So that reciprocity I love to have in a live show experience what inspired us to put together on this next show.
So I'm glad you asked that. Last year, Kadeen and I, well, Kadeen specifically went on a world tour with Beyonce. I actually had an opportunity to go see Beyonce twice. I saw LLL Cooj, which to me is one of the goats rappers that he's one of the greatest performers I had ever seen. We saw Drake, and we saw Usher to close out the year. Watching those live performances definitely sparked something in me to want to give y'all greater. So when people keep asking what can we expect and
like why is this the last show? I know how much work it took for those artists to create the show that they curated for people. I don't want to give people any shortcuts. So we have some things in this show. I'm not going to say, but when you watch it, you're gonna say they've invested time and resources to be able to prepare that for us because I want you guys to have the wild shock factor. We're not going to get into the details of what we've
added to the show. That we've added some different elements that's gonna make you say, Wow, this is no longer just a podcast experience. You're coming to see a show working over here.
Yes, all right, we are over here working physically, mentally, man, man, you see it, spiritually, you see.
Niggas don't care no more, but listen, we gotta do the podcast. Yes, but I'm tired. I've been working out every single day, we have rehearsals, we have so many other things to do, and I'm like, I'm gonna put this clothes on, I'm gonna change the shirt for them. But we are working so hard, Kadeen and I and our whole staff, the Cruel team, the whole team. Every day we on phone calls like what do you guys think about this, Let's add this, let's increase this. It's just it's been a fun experience.
Yeah, it really has been fun to prepare.
I think it brings us and us that much closer together. It brings the crew that much closer together, and everybody is so invested in what will be the dead ass live show at least for the foreseeable future, because like I said, it really is like I joke about, like not coming back and not wanting to do this anymore, but it really is one of my most favorite things to do, and it is having the live experience. And I think that's just from my background of always like being on.
Stage, seek you be fronting, Like these live shows are so much but I have to do her intro, and when I do an intro, when I look back and I see that pos in that silhouette, and then you start walking and nothing else matters.
You're not worried about anything else. I get you are the star. You come out and you get in your element, and it's amazing to watch. It really is amazing to watch you getting your element on that stage and do what you.
Do because it's it's important for me too.
As much as it fills me up, it's important for me to deliver that to you guys when you come to the show, Like, I don't take it lightly that you guys have spent your hard earned money that you are investing to, that you're listening to, listening to us, you're supporting us, you're sharing us with people who you know and love.
I don't take that lightly.
So one of the questions on here is what's most important to you with putting on these live shows is really just making sure that every single person in the audience feels like, man I really enjoyed this ninety minutes or whatever with the Ellises and those of you who have the meet and greet. You know, I hope that when we do meet you, even though you know, we may be exhausted.
From a show right right right, it's a long line of people to meet and greet.
We want each experience for you guys to feel like man I was the only person in this room with Devalan Kadeen. So just know that, from the bottom of our hearts, that's really what we're invested in. Yes, we know none of this will be possible without you, guys. You say that one more time, Yes, none of this would be none of this would be possible without you guys, our Patreon crew. Yes, everyone on social media who share and subscribe and pass along notes about coming to see the elisis.
None of this is responded. None of this could have been done without you. So we appreciate you.
Cause I will say, particularly the patrig shout out to y'all. You have to really be invested in a level of support to us if you are spending money every month to join us in those experiences. So we don't take lightly what we produce for you on Patreon. You don't have to be there to do that, and we've given i want to say, almost seven years of just content that hasn't been like highly produced or cost anything.
That's why this next question, what do you hope to gain from the live shows? That's what you're saying leads me into that I hope to curate an experience in person because the digital age has made it so that people think they really know you because they watch you on the phone or watch you on TV. But no, they don't really know us. So when we do the live shows, I want them to really get a chance to know us, get a chance to say I was in the same room as those people. I was there
when they were building. Because even like one thing I will say, there is no mistake when you look at entertainment and why comedians continue to be the greatest source of influence. When they're looking to add someone to a project, they'll go to find a comedian, They'll go to find a singer or a rapper. They always go to people who do what provide live shows? No, not laugh live shows.
Well, live shows that live shows, Yeah, come and.
Laugh because live shows bring people together. Someone who can command an audience live is a better person that will command them on television or in the movies. So for me, I want to continue that aspect of entertaining live, not just digital. I wanted to. I want people to be like I went to an event and I ate, and I drank, and I laugh and I cried and I hugged my girl and my wife or I hugged my husband, and I met them afterwards and they were the same
people that I saw on the internet. Like I saw them and I actually shook hands and they gave me words of encouragement, and like that's what I want for people, oh for sure.
And I even think of people who have left the shows, like when it talks about what the audience gains. I've had people who then rode in after the fact or even just hearing from our team, Like people got to see the full experience, not just the Valenkadean, but they got to meet Josh and Matt and Triple and Denoor and like all of the people who help to really just be invested in what that sperience looks like for y'all. So it's like a family feel. We get to be
on stage with you guys. It's not all curated and highly edited and all that. You really are just getting us in the moment. Yes, And I love I love what that feels like for us. And I'm hoping that everyone who's been to the show already will be back, because we have a lot of people who've been back and been to every show so far in whatever respective city. But that just lets me know that we have a good thing going when they're repeat people coming back.
Absolutely, And also this is not the last show that when we hate doing it, we're never doing it again. We're trying to find a way to curate an experience that you guys deserve, but also curate our lives to where our kids get the best version of us in our careers. So we're trying to find a way, but as of right now, this is going to be We're gonna put everything into this show.
Yes, yes, And I mean also too like to piggyback off of that devel where we have the live shows now in the time of year, February always kind of falls right into March and April when you are potentially filming something. And let's be real about why we even started this journey. It was to help to spark your acting career, just sharing in general and just showing what you were capable of. And I just honestly feel deep down in my soul that this year is going to
be a breakout year for you. And bring on the projects, bring on the leading male roles, bring on all the films, like this is what you've been working so hard for. So in me being a bit selfish in this moment wanting to see you win, I feel like this is like the time, this is when it's going to spark for you, like in your forties. There's something about now that just makes me feel like we're gonna have to
take a back seat. And I mean we meaning me and y'all, you know, take a back seat to Devo really living.
You will never in your life take a back seat to anything that I got going on.
You know that.
There's never going to be a point where we be like, baby, you, I don't understand I'm filming this.
No, I I elect to make that decision for us and for you to be able to do this. Y'all have no idea how much Devo I will lose sleep over what he's trying to curate for this show with alongside me and our team. So I feel like it is just owed to you in this space, in this moment, that you be able to live out those dreams fully and this moment.
Yeah, just create some space for me to grow in other ways might not always be working on something else and saying well, I can't do it. Because we have this plan, I feel focused.
Do you have any favorite moments for many of our live shows, whether it was twenty twenty, twenty twenty two, twenty twenty.
Three, one of my favorite moments the first moment I will have to say Chicago, what's up? Chicago? Oh my God?
To me?
To me, Chicago was like the best shop, like to jump over the couch after Chicago's and the lights people cheering. There was a group in the corner that was in in the balcony that you could tell that they are fans of our work because they were reciting stuff from Sisters Zatima from the podcast, reciting videos from twenty and seventeen, like saying things that I'm just like wow, Like that
has become a bit of a cultural phenomenon. Like, for example, some one of the young men screamed out, when Kate come out here, she better be ready to drop it, And I'm like, man, everyone knows that kind of like how when we look at Martin and you know, we look at the fresh prince of Jamie Fox and they have certain things like when Jamie Fox goes, people know that's him. So it's like now when people him out, can I get a drop? They know, like that's the
valent coadeen do that right? You know. Even when the whole drop challenge was happening, I was getting tagged so often because they like, look what y'all started, Look what y'all started, now, you know, And I just felt good with Chicago was like that moment everyone knew everything and it was just like man, like they rock with us, So Chicago will be my favorite favor.
One favorite moment for me that was hilarious was in New York when I forgot that your parents were in the crowd or they were going to be at that
show because we had already car agreed. We collectively agreed that like, our parents just can't come to our live shows, like we would love for them to see us in action, but like it's not appropriate for our parents to come because you know, we joke about all sorts of flude things, and seeing as though in my mom's eyes, I am still virgin Mary who's had these children not bisex, right, I was just like, there's no way, so forgetting that,
you're not even remembering that your parents were even thinking about coming to the show.
I didn't even know if they really had gotten tickets or not know your.
Brother was coming.
And then we had the whole joke about me getting the dental work done and me saying like, damn, now that my face is swollen, I can't even say suck no dick.
You said that in front of my mother, and I.
Was like, oh my god, your parents are in the crowd. Like I literally wanted to just you know, when you had the hole in the stage like drops like That's how I felt.
That was as moment.
That was a classic moment for me.
But it was funny because in retrospect, looking back on it, it was just a funny moment.
It was another funny moment. Brooklyn. Oh, we were in Brooklyn, downtown Brooklyn. This was the first live show we did in Brooklyn. He had on the gold dress, the gold dress, and he looked like an Oscar. And I picked you up like I was accepting the Oscar and you were sitting there like this.
I was like that I put the micropront of it and you were like, I like to take.
My mom That was great. Was that was That was great improv. That was stuff that we don't That's why we love live shows, man, man.
Live shows are bomb, all right, y'all. So yeah, we're excited. We're working. We're about one month out from our first stop, which is in Dallas. So February thirteenth, we will be in Dallas. Shout out to Texas, y'all. Weather been looking a little crazy lately too. It's been looking very cold out there.
Oh man.
So we'll see, we'll see what it looks like when we get down there on the thirteenth of February and then we have Valentine's Day off in between. The fifteenth. I am looking so forward to this show. I grew up watching the Apollo.
Yeah, it's a big deal.
The fact that we are going to be performing live in the Apollo is something that I've never even dreamed of, never thought as a foreseeable thing for us. But it's going to be iconic to be in that space. So man, New York, please show out for us. We're coming back to our hometown, our home state, rather and we can't wait to be there at the Apollo on the fifteenth. Then next day we'll be out in Philly on the sixteenth. Philly is also nar and Dere again. First show was
ever Philly. We get so much love down in the DC Maryland area. Baltimore drive up. That's going to be on the seventeenth.
The eighteenth is the eighteenth.
We're back home home, and then we're prepping to get to North Carolina.
Charlotte and I got twenty.
Second Carolina is my family is from Orangeburg, South Caro. Y'all better show up and show out, man, Come on now, because I fought. I fought to get this show in the Calinas.
Fought for Charlotte for sure.
Because I'm like, yo, we have to do something close by the family. You know. Everyone was telling us, Oh, y'all doing Atlanta, they can draw. I said, no, we have to do something for the Carolina. So Carolina, y'all better show up and show out.
For you, even our Virginia folks, anybody up up on that side of the of the Carolinas, come on down and see us on the.
Twenty second in Charlotte, and then we are rounding out.
This tour with Atlanta, Atlanta our new hometown on the twenty fourth of February. So we're excited to see y'all. We're gonna take a quick break, and of course no episode will be complete without listener letters. So we're gonna show y'all some love and get into that after we get into some ads.
So stick around. We'll be back all right, We're back back with listening letters. I will dive right in.
Oh, I'm about to the bed.
I'm talking about coming to a show. I'm looking ahead. Let's see Hi. Deval and Kadeen love you and your boys so much. Thank you for being a light in this world and allowing us into your home and lives.
You're so welcome.
I'm going to my first live show in Dallas this February twenty twenty four. Got my VP ticket front row seat. Baby, you are lit. Can't wait to see you all and have a good time. It's going to be a good time for sure. I'm writing to you all because my boyfriend would like me to be more spontaneous, spicy in the bedroom and less shy and awkward.
I believe too much.
I believe I'm too much in my head when we make love and trying to perform rather than just enjoy when we enter the relationship. I was a virgin and he was not, so we're still learning what we enjoy in the bedroom. We like adventure and are always open to learning new positions and finding new places to be intimate.
It excites us a lot.
Can you give advice on how I can be better to feel confident sex see with my man and ensure that we don't get bored in the bedroom. And how long does it take to find a good groove or be in sync with your partner in the bedroom?
All right, I'll let.
You answer this one. If I want to a woman, I'll let you answer this one.
Girl. I know because I've been there.
I still be there sometimes about what in my mind I think is sexy versus what he's going to receive as being sexy. And this is twenty two years in the making. Tovow has literally been begging me for certain things, and I just can't get out of my own head about how I can just do it and feel confident doing it and not feel stupid doing it, thinking that, man, this is something that he's really going to enjoy, but
I also feel confident in delivering. So for me, when it comes to that, I just have to I mean, first of all, I will say Devout does make me feel super comfortable, regardless of what phase I am in physically or mentally, time of day, time a year, whatever it is. He makes me feel comfortable and attractive and wanted because.
You naturally are. Though, like I will, I will say this, I don't be lying after you've had a baby, Before you had a baby, while you're pregnant, I'm still attracted to you. So I think it's important that I tell you that so that you don't feel like it's tough yeah, because it's not. I'm still attracted to you, you know. So I think it's important for men to know that when your wife is going through all your significant others going through these changes, when you feel attracted to her,
let her know. Right, you don't let her know.
But sometimes even THO that's not enough. Right, As women, we still tend to internalize things and we're just like picking at that like roll of fat or picking at the moments that we don't feel sexy. So my problem that I had to overcome and I'm still overcoming, is what in my mind constitutes being sexy versus just at giving him what he asks for. So I would say, talk to your talk to your man, and just say, hey, what can I do to spice things up? Like you're
a little bit more experienced than I am. I'm still trying to find my groove because you're my first partner, so I'm starting to try. She's also trying to figure out what she still likes. Absolutely, So I think having the open conversations and saying, hey, baby, what can I do to spice things up?
Do you want me to dressed some kind of way? Do you want some role play?
Should we try spontaneous places, and you just have to be willing and open to receive that and giving him what he wants.
And I think that was my problem for a long.
Time, is I'm trying to curate an experience that I think is sexy for him. When he's just like, I don't need all that, I need this, give me this. And when he's clear and he's confident about what he wants, you can be confident in delivering that. How do you feel, babe, in terms of like getting that groove or you know, being in sync in the bedroom.
I would just say this, when he tells you what he likes and what he wants, don't try to give him your version of what it is.
Yeah, that's where I go wrong.
And that's as all the time. I'll say I want one thing, she'll do something else. And then when I say, but I ask for this, she'll say, but I gave you this, as if I should just accept it. It's not fair to your partner if they're telling you exactly what they like, but you keep telling your partner, I hear you, but I'm gonna give you this because I know what you need. No, I'm telling you what I need. Why are you ignoring what I'm telling you to give
me what's more convenient for you? And I think that's for both sides. I don't think that's a man or a woman thing. I think that if you have decided that you want exclusivity from that partner, when that partner tells you that this is what they require or want, you then have to make a choice if you want to provide that. If you don't want to provide that to that person, it's kind of unfair for you to
ask for exclusivity. So since you asking for exclusivity, if this is what your partner wants and requires, do your best to give it to them as long as it's within your alignment for what your morals are. Yeah, because if somebody asking for too much and you're like, I don't want to do that, all that, and then you can say, hey, I'm not trying to do that, maybe we're not aligned on this part of our life and maybe this is not meant for us.
Do you think it takes a while for people to get into a sexual groove? And the reason I ask that is because, like I know someone who confided in me about feeling like when she initially started her journey sexually with someone that they weren't on the same page, Like I guess maybe they didn't have the right I don't know if it was the right cadence or you know, maybe her.
Way was not like his.
Does it take time for people to develop a groove with sex or should you have that initially when you have that attraction, Like.
No, I don't think anything is just this works. What I think happens is, especially for women, being sexual is so taboo and women are shamed a lot for being sexual. So you spend most of your life trying to dim down your sexuality because in the workplace you can't be sexual. If you're a mom and you're out at school, you can't, like there's no place for you to openly practice your sexuality.
Then you get with someone and it's like this person just wants you to be this flamboyantly sexual being and it's like, I've never practiced this, So it takes time. But also for men too write men's idea of sexuality, it becomes extremely perverse because from the time we're young, people are telling us you're a man, you have to be able to do this. You listen to some older gentlemen who tell you right. So it's like women are conditioned to not be sexual because it's not ladylike, But
then men are conditioned to be overly sexual. And now you have two people trying to be together, and you have one being who's overly sexual and another being who's not sexual. Right, it takes listening to each other. That's why I'm saying I wouldn't even say time because if that person's a good listener and this person's a good listener, when they get to get right to it. But when you have two people who are stubborn, who will say, well, I want to be sexual this way. I'm not interested
in the way you want to be sexual. This is what I want, now you have a problem.
But also to it takes compromise, right, because there's certain things that I kind of introduced, you know, in our sexual world that you were like, all right, i'll give it a try. Absolutely, you know, I'll give it a try. It's not something that I would have necessarily subscribed to in the beginning, but hey, if it's something you want to try, let's do it.
And it does it or not.
It does take compromise and grace, but it also just takes a willingness to want to be that for someone like I just knew personally for me, I wanted monogamy right, and I wanted to find someone else who wanted monogamy. So I also knew as a man that if the person I'm choosing to ask them to be monogamous with me, if they're saying they want to do something, I have to be open to that, you know what I'm saying, like, I have to be what do you want to try
a bad what do you want to do? I can't say, well, I only want monogamy the way I want it. That's unfair for me, you know. And then I feel like it's also unfair for a partner to ask that of me. So, what you want monogamy and you want me to only be with you, but I only can be with you the way you want it? Why would anyone subscribe to that? So it's not so much just compromise, it's a willingness to be of service. Yeah, because compromise can also be
seen as okay, I won't do this. No being of service means I will do that because that's what you require, and I want to be of service, So I don't feel like I'm doing anything that I don't want to do. I want to be of service or if this is what you require, I want to do it right.
And the two shall meet at some point because for me, yes, much like her, Sometimes you just get in your own head about the way you need to deliver things, and that can be intimidating.
So I get it.
Have a conversation with him, says, see what he likes, you know, see if he's willing to try certain things. There may be certain fantasies that you in your mind, even though you haven't been as experienced, you might say, hey, I like this, this felts a little good this time around.
Let's running back.
You know, I would say, don't listen to anybody else about what you should try. No, ask him what he requires and what he needs. Provide that while also figuring out, because she was a virgin, what you need require and tell him anybody else telling y'all try this. You don't know if y'all gonna like that. But now you introduce something to your bedroom that you don't even know if you like or he likes. It was a waste of time. Ask him what he wants. But then also be like, babe,
I'll do this. I want to try this. Can we do that? Y'all will have fun. She said that they're having fun, so I think they'll have fun engaging and talking consistently to each other. Leave everybody else out of this conversation. Don't ask your mom, your sister, your male, best friend, your brother, don't ask them what they do. Learn your body, know what you like, and ask your partner what they like.
Period number two.
Hello Kinne Devout. Recently, a friend of mine was promoted to this high level position, and she reached out to me about an opportunity to come work with her. I've been in management a few years now, but at the time I wasn't really happy at my previous job, so I felt this opportunity came at the right time. It was more money, a smaller team to supervise, and I was allowed to work from home two days a week.
That sounds like a plus plus. I felt this new position aligned with my professional goals, so I accept it without hesitation. I have known her for over fifteen years, and I was excited about working with her and supporting her in her new role. When I first started, everything was going well. However, that didn't last long. I started seeing sides of her that I had never seen before. She became so hot and cold and at times wouldn't
even speak when she came into the office. Now, don't get me wrong, I understand she's in a high level position and her job can be stressful, but she is becoming downright mean and bully like. I am not the only one who feels this way, because other managers would come to me about her behavior towards them. After word, she acts as if nothing happened, and I'm left feeling perplexed. I just listened to the episode when you all discuss
why you start a Patreon. You all talked about hiring people you trust and how you don't work with them. You don't work with just any brand. My question to you is how do you know when to choose the right job role for you? Also, how do you manage hiring your friends for instance Devo? How do you know which acting roles are best for you? And Kay, I'm sure you get hundreds of requests of host speaking engagements. What do you look for in order to say yes
or no? Deep Down, I felt like this was the right position for me, and now I feel like I've made a huge mistake. I also feel like this working relationship will now cause tension between my boss Nope, who just so happens to be my friend. I want to talk to her about it, but I don't know how to address her antics professionally and from a friend's perspective. I could be wrong, but I think this new role has gone to her head a little.
That's why this thing you don't make it's business and pleasure.
People need to understand that there is a difference between a friendship and a business relationship. She's hiring you because you guys are friend She is not going to be your friend when you guys are at work. And if you're expecting her to be your friend while at work, it may come across as bullying if she's being cold because at work she has to maintain a certain standard to make sure that everyone around her gets her job done. No one likes the person in charge. I'll tell you
this right now. When I have to be in charge of my friends or my family, they all hate me, all of them, including my wife, including my wife. You know why, because there is a standard and there's accountability that is expected by the person who's in charge, and when shit goes wrong, all of those people then look
to who you. So since y'all are going to look to me with that responsibility, I'm going to carry that responsibility with everything I do while at work, which means if you're not getting something done, I have to tell you. And I'm not going to sit you down and be like, hey, you're my friend. No, I'm gonna be like, yo, wasn't supposed to get done. It didn't get done. It needs
to get done. A lot of times when people go to work with their friends, they think it's going to be all chummy, and so that person has to hold you accountable and now no one likes the person no more.
But I think there should also be a level of respect.
And for me, I know, if I'm working in an environment where my friend hires me for something, nothing's going to stop me from delivering the best version of whatever it is that they need because I would be so invested in whatever my friend.
Needs in that position, because you want her to.
Be It's like, yeah, it's like a responsibility that I feel like you should have if you are working with a friend on something, to say, you know what, I could let a stranger down potentially, But I'm not gonna let my friend down in this business.
Everybody don't think like that. I would hope that, but no, everybody don't. You know how a lot of people think my friend got me this job. I'm about to be at work. I don't got to come on time. If I'm a little bit late. My friend got me. Oh this report was due with this time. I'll hand it in this time. My friend got me. That's how a lot of people do their friends when their friends put them on, and then when their friends fired them. Oh she changed, she acting different like I was only a
five minutes late. Ten times I've dealt with that. Remember at the gym, hiring my friends. At times, I'm like, yo, Like I remember the session started at three o'clock. Val was only three oh three. We require the parents and the kids to be here fifteen minutes early. You think it's okay for you to be three minutes late. It's only three minutes. Cool. Now you have no more group sessions. De Val took my money away. He power tripping. I've
heard that. I've heard that this very thing. I've heard that when I was running my business.
Yeah, you're absolutely about that.
It's hard that she asked, how do you hire your friends? You use discernment and you say, you know what, I've watched this person over years, and I understand that this person has a certain work ethic, and I think that that work ethic is in alignment with mine. That's how I hire friends. And as you're younger and growing, you learn.
Who can be weeded out of that process. Right now, I know for sure, although I have, for example, say a group of five friends, there's probably two who I would hire and for no other reason that I know that there are effective in whatever roles that they've been in over the course of years.
So these are people who have had.
Track records that I've seen them in their own jobs that I can say, along with the fact that we have a friendship and y'all will be invested in my product or my company or whatever it is, I've seen the track record of how you were able to exist. And that's probably what your friends saw in you, which is the reason why she hired you. But now I feel like it is worth you kind of assessing, Okay, what I'm feeling right now from my friend this bullying
in a sense? Is it because she's just stressed in her role or is she really going out of her way to be like that because she's trying to flex deciding which one it is.
I will say this too, Women get an unfair rap when they get hired to a new position. Clearly this one worked her ass off to be able to be put in that higher position, because they don't give higher positions to women for no reason, right, So clearly this woman has worked her ass off. You know what I've noticed though from a lot of women, and I've learned this from your mom and my aunt and my mom. Everybody's cool with you when we at the same level.
One person gets promoted. Now everybody at that level hates that person. She said, people are coming to her to talk about her friend. Don't do that. You don't know what type of jealousy is coming with them. Conversations. You don't know what like the first thing you do when someone comes to talk to you about a higher with someone else, excuse me, excuse me. If you have an issue with that person, you should take that with hr.
I'm not the person, because what happened is that person will then use that conversation like ahah soon Show said the same thing too. Women give each other the hardest time when it comes to moving up, especially in corporate.
America, is fact.
And I don't want this young lady to look at her friend and then listen to the other people around who are also saying she's being a bully. No, maybe she's just being a woman who's holding people accountable. And the fact that she's a woman is making other people pissed off. Oh yeah, you know what I'm saying. Your mom went through that. My mom went through that, My aunt Monique went through that. I watched it all the time.
That's a fact. People hating my mom and her job.
Yes, and your mom had three straight deficiency free surveys, which never happens. She had one every year for three years in a row. And allman people gets I can stand shure why because she gets shited done and because she won't let you come to work late and she holds you accountable. Oh, she's a bitch now because she's doing all the things that when that white man was telling you to do what you had no problem doing it. Now you have a woman of color telling you the
same thing, and now she acting like a bitch. This really be happening in a corporate America college.
So does.
And then who's responsible when everything is gone to shit? Her the boss, yes, And who's going to have to answer to the bigger bosses her the boss? So yeah, give her a little grace here, sis, And if you value the friendship that much, know how to have the discernment to decipher what's what.
All right. I think we covered everything in this listener letter, right.
Yeah, she didn't ask about how I know which acting roles are for you and which speaking engagements. Usually I work with brands, and I partner with people who align and synergies match with turn like something that I believe in or something that I'm passionate about.
That's when I.
Normally take those speaking engagements and roles and stuff like that has to be something that I'm passionate about.
For me as an actor, I take roles that are in alignment with my belief system. I take roles that tell stories that I can stand behind and say, you know what, I'm comfortable telling this story because I agree with the message. I've been blessed that I own businesses,
so I don't act for money. It's difficult to be an artist and to do anything for money, because then when the roles come around and you have to pay your rent or you have to pay your mortgage, and you may not agree with that role, but you have to take it to pay it. That happens to people at times. I've just decided that I wanted to build my own revenue streams outside of my art so that I can say yeah or nate to whatever projects and then I don't have.
To be inmate number one again, right right.
You know, you know, because sometimes get tired away in an orange suit. You know, I get tired of cursing people out and being a thug bad guy, because that's not the only version of a black man. I want to be seen. As we talked about early in this in this podcast or maybe it was another podcast, but watching everything through the male gaze, right, it's also watching
everything through a European gaze. Right. When we see things, we see things through the idea of that's what everyone believes is the truth, and that's not always the truth. So I look at projects, I look at scripts, and I say, what is this story about? What is this character trying to say? And if I agree with the message, then I'm with it. If the message challenges me from my own thought and makes me think or rethink what
I'm what my belief system is. I will then do research to say do I am I comfortable doing this? For example, Zach MHM, Zach is an x con. I got tired of playing the bad boy x con thug with the tattoos. But then I asked, and TP said, where do you want to see Zach go? I said, I want to see him. I wanted to be a redemption story. I want to be able to talk about recidivism going in and out of prison.
And because that's someone's story, people really exactly people can relate to that.
So I didn't want to amplify or glorify him being an ex con, but I wanted to be able to tell the story about how what an x con goes through and how they can build themselves up. So, just for example, Zach was that guy, you know, and I chose to do that, even though I didn't want to do any more criminals, it made sense for me.
In that moment.
You were able to really show a evolutions Zach, you know, trying to be better, absolutely trying to be better. All right, to y'all, if you want to be featured as a listener letter. Be sure to email us at Deadass Advice at gmail dot com.
That's the E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com.
Moment of truth time, we're talking about preparing for the tour dead Ass Podcast Live coming up this February twenty twenty four.
Do you have a moment of truth for us?
Yes? What's that This live show will be something that you have never seen before. You will get to see us do things and create an experience that people will walk away with being happy and motivated and smiling and laughing and loving their significant others when they leave that theater. That's just moments.
Did I hypen this stuff up so much for y'all? Man? I hope it lives up to right. Why what it's been saying?
Why?
Because I'm lowki scared as hell. That's my moment of truth.
I get nervous before every show, and then once I hit the stage, I'm fine because you all do a great job of making me feel so warm and so loved and everything. But I never take for granted the support that y'all give us. I never take for granted the fact that y'all use your time, you spend your money to really support us, so that in itself is enough for me to work hard to continue to make sure that this show, regardless of what city you're in, is worth it. So we love y'all, We thank you.
If you haven't purchased your tickets yet, be sure to go to is it deadass dot com?
Yes?
Podcast that yeah, And then if you can go there and you can find links for all of the shows, you get the rundown for the dates, the venues and all that good stuff.
And be sure to grab your copy of We Over Me. Don't forget about that.
All of my stuff.
Oh sorry, I didn't even get to the paper.
Every time. She she just be reading the whole thing. Go ahead.
It was the moment of truth that kind of spiraled into that because it just felt natural. But you can, you can, you can bring up the rear. Be sure to follow us on Patreon.
You you know that you should have.
Known that was hoping that we could laze over that, and you just.
Got some stuff you can glaze over to, and then I could pull up the rear. You feel me. Look, she's stuck. She don't even know what to say. This is what I've been doing, She's stuck. Be sure to find us on Patreon see exclusive Deadass podcast video content, and to find us on social media at dead Ass the Podcasts and I Am Devoured.
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