No Relationship Is Perfect

listen to see you by. So to be honest, I didn't know if I was going to be about this podcast life when we were first presented the opportunity for it. Dead as dead as I just didn't know full transparency me neither had no clue what podcasts were about. But if it weren't for you guys, we wouldn't be here. So we just got to thank you, dead as we love y'all. Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellises. You may know us were posting funny videos with our boys

and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. Wait, I make you need derby most days. Wow. Oh and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of the live's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing

but the truth. We're about to take philow talk to a whole new level. Dead ask starts now. This story is about a young man who pretty much made me realize the impact I have on people with the things that I say and the way that I live my life. And well, I watched him grow up. I was his mentor in the gym. Um his name is Rob. His name is Rob, and I've been Rob's mentor since he was about four. Wow, we've known Rob that, Yes, we know him that long fourteen and Rob, you know it's

it's him and his mom. Ever since I've known Rob has always been him and his mom here and his mom, and she's always thanked us for being, you know, great influences on Rob. And now Rob is twenty four, Rob's graduated from college. Rob is having a baby. Yes, I just found this out too. And Rob is getting engaged, is he? Yes? And It's funny because I realized the influence I had on people's life when you asked Rob about being married or being with a girl or being monogamous,

and that was not in his thought process. But now he says, after seeing not only me but us, And the funny thing is, it's not just the influence I have, but you, how you rock with me, how we build together, and how he asked the two of us to sit down with him and his girlfriend about building what they want to build. And now he's on that path of trying to build something and to build a legacy for

not only himself but for his family. That's when I realized, like, wow, what what we are doing collectively is really impacting the younger people. Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show. I like to track you lock the flow. So far from having on the block for dokay, Yes, they got to know that, Like no, it's what a scene to be. What can't expects what you mean to me even though you're gonna it's still a team to your family, fulfilled dreams and the future. I can't wait to see if

you open up the gates for me. Reminisce. Sometimes they took my friends just right here, but it plays again. When it's real feelings, it's hard to can seal, can't imagine all the pain, give anything to hear half your breath. You know, I'm still living your life after that. Uh huh uh huh. Every move I'm dancing day, Miss y'all go back. We gonna be back in September, going to be We're going to miss shall but we'll be Hey. Oh, man, I can't believe it's gonna be over. Season one went

so fast it did. Man, we're gonna miss y'all. Okay, I'm gonna miss you when we're going because kay, don't talk to me unless we come to the podcast. Well, because I got to save my breath for you. You know you should have saved your breath. Did you push your teeth this morning? Don't don't disrespect you, Do not disrespect me. All right, you can sit on the other side of the table. I think I will. Don't say no words that begin with the letter H. You're being

all rude and whatnot. You know, what's it over there? Because today this is our last episode. I'm gone. We're gonna go into some listener letters, all right. So we're actually going to dedicate this show to all of our listeners and supporters. We get a ton of listener letters us all the time, and we figured, what's the best way to go out this season Season one thing to do a show dedicated to you guys, which means it's going to be just listening letters. Absolutely, it sounds good. Yeah,

I think it was. It's perfect because we do get so many listener letters in it and it's impossible to answer all of them. But we figured we pick out a couple and we just you know, give our take on it. Again. You know, we don't profess to be experts on anything, really, but we'd love to give our little two cents if it's gonna help you out. UM, So we're gonna take this episode to answer a few of them. I know. We had a ton of feedback

when we posted the question about curfew and marriages. I posted on my Instagram page and people were like, what curfew? The word curfew? You know, it's sure as hell did the C word. But you know, I think the common thought and the common theme throughout the comments was that it's not technically occur few, it's communication. It's being respectful. Um. To whoever's house it is you're coming in or out of? And um, you know that makes sense because we said

the same thing. Yeah, and they just they didn't use the word curfew, but they pretty much said the same example. They just don't like saying the word. And I realized it was a lot of a lot of women who were in there saying no, no, curfew is not the right choice of word. But they better not let the sun beat them home. That was the one that stood out to me. Or there was one message there ain't no curfew, but he better be in by eleven o'clock. Right.

There was one message from my girl Tie David shout out to Tie. She's actually on the shy Um the show, and she and I go back to pageant days, and she was just like, I don't give him a curfew. However, I would like some food piping hot at my door by I just so happened to be hungry. I need you to bring me a meal, a whole meal. You know what's funny, A lot of the dudes didn't even say anything about the curfew thing. And a lot of dudes never even mentioned that they put their girl on

the curfew. Why is it that women have to feel the need to put their men on the curry. Why are you so controlled? It's not even like it's it's just a courtesy thing. I mean you to think about it. I mean, if you're out, all right, you're out in a about, just shoot a text message to check in. Another thing that set out to me where women saying they're fearful, particularly black women, fearful of their men being out past a certain hour and potentially being harassed pulled

over by cops. With the current climate in in in America and all that it was a safety thing. It can be a safety thing. That was a great excuse there. That was a great excuse to so we we don't we're not entired to be worried about you. So what time does she come home? No, because you don't communicate well when you're out. We've already discussed that you're bringing up old stuff. To bring up old stuff. But what I'm saying is is that we need to have the

same energies. Okay, if you're worried about me, how about you let me worry about you. Okay, So there's a mutual worrying about that happens, which I think is fair. One funny comment that I liked was someone said, my mama said, ain't nothing open at night but legs. It's oh god, so stupid. This is funny thing. Women always think that if your man is out late, he's out doing something he's not supposed to. You could do whatever

you want throughout the day too. Don't stop nothing because because she can get done during the day, absolutely breaks, morning breaks. You see what I'm saying, Like, that's a whole another show my thing. And we talked about this too with the curfew thing. In New York, the culture is different. Clubs don't even get popping until one thirty

two o'clock. So how would you even ask a dude to be home that early if the club don't even get popping night, Because we might have left home at twelve thirty one to get in time exactly for the party to be popping. And then you're rolling in around like four or siving in And then what happens when this day like savings time, the song comes up earlier sometimes delayed sunrise and whatnot. Then you gotta get all technical.

In New York, it gets dark at what you do at that point is then you calculate what time the club closes to where they might stop to get something to eat, and at what time they should be pulling up here. You know what I mean. I'm just saying, just call me Dora the Explorer. You are expect to gadget all of that, all right. So let's get into these listener letters, because we had quite a few, but we're gonna try to just you know, go through and see.

So I'll read the first one out loud. Man, You'll be sending some stories, but at least it gives us context, that's all right. The first one is what can I do and how can I go about gaining my boyfriend's trust back. I've recently found out that he had trust issues before we even started dating, but with that I've added to his trust issues with different scenarios and situations. But the most recent was having sex with someone from

the gym that we go to together. I've apologized numerous times, and I get that I'm sorry does not do much. I've even tried explaining why I do what I do, which doesn't seem to make sense once spoken out loud, heckling her. I don't know what makes me interested in other people for a quote unquote moment, because it isn't a reoccurring situation. It's usually a one and done thing for me. I need help with getting my man back. Exclamation point sis, You've got a couple of oxymorons going

up and going on up in here. First of all, she said it's a one and done thing for me, But then again you said to add to it his trust issues with different scenarios and situations. There's there's there's plural, so there's essays on that. No, because because it's one and done with that person, but she's been interested in different people. I mean, maybe monogamy is just not for her. I was just about to say that cut this man

loose and set him free. And you already knew he had trust issues beforehand before you started dating, and now you're just adding to it. And you're just compiling on this already somewhat broken man who has issues with trust. You're now compiling on that. Or she can look into having an open relationship if right, or if she's open to letting him be with other women, because she clearly wants to be with other men once in a while, so maybe that might work for them, right, Because it's

not a moment for you, sis. You said you're interested in people for a moment, from for a moment, Like maybe she wants to have sench with that guy for a moment, but she's not interested in continuing the relationship. And this is my thing. We're so conditioned to only exist in relationships one way that may not be healthy for them. They need to find a way for them

to exist together. Now here's another thing. He keeps coming back, So clearly he has some sort of love for her because he could easily choose to leave, but he doesn't. So maybe they could find a way where they could coexist in this relationship. As long as they're honest with each other, that's the thing. And it seems like she's being honest. And that's that's why I feel kind of bad for her, because she is being honest and people

are going to clown her, you know what I'm saying. Oh, it doesn't sound doesn't seem to make sense when it leaves my mouth. If that's how you feel, that's how you feel. It doesn't matter if it makes sense to everybody else, because she could essentially be having these one and done relationships if she knows that there's not going to be any kind of future keeping in touch, you know, furthering of these relationships. She can technically go do her

thing and then keep it pushing. She doesn't have to sencessarily be honest about it, right she She doesn't have to be honest about it. Right she tells him, and she tells him, or unless he finds out. But either way, even when when he finds out, he tells. She says how she feels like you you have to respect someone who's going to live in their truth, whether you agree or disagree with what their truth is. If they're willing

to own it, you gotta respect it. She seems to want to take take control too, of her sexual freedom, which is perfectly fine as well too. I mean, there there is the double standard for men and women, but there are a lot more women that wanted to take control of their sexuality. Go ahead and give them the lack of give them the lack and key. UK, I'm going to give you analogy lack and key analogy, and

I'm not go ahead. My analogy don't make sense. Y'all could tell the that if this analogy makes sense, so let me let me preference this by saying this. Okay, we discussed all the time about the greatness of being a woman, and I applaud women all the implow women all the time, giving birth, reproductive organs. How women are the vessels of life. We talk about this, right, so their bodies should be treated as such. Right, And then when I say this, all the women like, yes, yes,

you understand. But then whenever I say the lock and key analogy, they get mad. You can't have it both ways, all right. If you're gonna applaud that, then then here's them lock and key analogy. If in life women are the locks and men are the keys, because the keys open a lock, right, you want to lock up was down there? This is sacred. You lock it up. Right. If you are a key that opens up many locks, you are what a masterpiece? Right, Your master pie is

a great thing. You're master key. But if you are a lock that opens up for a bunch of different keys, you just a shitty lock. Every time I think it, Think about it. If you if you had a lock that everybody could open up, they lock with their key, ain't work ship, right, But there's still your lock. So you appreciate the fact that you even have a lot

to begin with. Yeah, but what I'm saying is is when we talk about the double state standard women, women can't be upset when they say when when women say, well, we are the vessels of life and we are greater than men because we do this. If that's the case, and that's the standard you have for yourself and women, you should keep that same standard when it comes to

spreading your greatness to everybody. Now, if you choose that you don't want to be nobody's vessel to create life and you want to have sex with multiple people, own that it is what it is and there's nothing wrong with that, that's what you want to do. You gotta be honest. You have to and say that that's what I want. You see what I'm saying. No, I completely get that. I just don't know how she's gonna get her man back because it seems like she's asking for help.

And I can imagine for him, especially because she had sex with somebody that's in the gym that they both go to. As a man, he's gonna have to now look at this guy or you know, the guy's gonna know that. You know, it's tough because the guy's gonna know, like I definitely had sex with this woman and her man be coming to the gym like key opens your lot. That's not a lock of shitty according to the valve. But this is my thing too because women say this. Women say this all the time to men. If you're

gonna do dirt, don't do dirt when you sleep. They don't do it. Don't do dirt there because women often say to men all the time, I don't want to look at the chick that you have sex with. So even if she is going to make those decisions, why not just make those decisions elsewhere? You see what I'm saying, Like, I think she just needs to be honest. And the thing is, being honest to that person is the hardest thing, mainly because you just don't want to hurt their feelings.

But it's your bu and it's his life as well. And in honesty, you then give the person a choice. I always say that you give the person choice, don't take his choice away from him, since let him decide. I this is where he wants to be and something that he can tolerate, that he can put up with. If he can't, you may just have to let that go. Let's go question number two. What's another woman? You want to read it because it's another woman? Because we're back

back and forth. Okay, I'm a thirty year old woman who has been married for almost four years. My husband and I have been together for eleven years overall, and we have three kids together. Sounds familiar. My husband has known for some time that I am bi curious, even though I would never admit it. Well, last year, I finally started to feel more comfortable with my sexuality and I told him that I wanted to explore. Initially, we were just going to have a three son, but I

didn't want that. I didn't want I didn't think that I shouldn't introduce another woman into our bedroom without being sure that I was holy into women and not just a fantasy of being being with a woman. So I explained to him that I want to explore on my own first. He was fine with it until I actually started talking to different women and I actually linked up with the one woman a few weeks ago. Nothing sexual happened between us, but we're definitely interested in one another.

I'm starting to sense a little jealousy from him as of late, and he just flat out told me. He isn't sure about all this anymore. I don't think he actually expected me to find someone, especially considering how shy I can be. At first he was all for it, but now he's having reservations. What are your thoughts on this? Should I have experimented when I was younger before we got married? Should I just let all this go? Ah? He is me and I am him, not in exactly.

I'm not curious, true, you're not, but just he's gonna throw that out there, gonna look at the rumor. She started. Alright, curious guys, but we can definitely definitely to this feeling of we've been together a long time, and I'll give you out the situation really quickly. We have a kind of almost parallel situation that had heard years ago. We've been together a long time. After we got married, we were going through a lot of issues. We were talking

about getting separated. The issue was that at the time we both we had Jackson, and neither one of us wanted to agree to live outside of having Jackson. So we decided that we were going to try to live together but separate. We weren't being we weren't intimate, So I was like Okay, So if we're not gonna have sex and we're supposed to be separated, my you know, what what can I do? And She's like, if I

do whatever you want? So I was like, no, Conine, listen, I'm gonna ask you seriously, don't don't just say it. So we had a discussion and she was like, listen, do what you gotta do, because you know, we made this decision. Boom. So I'm like, all right, fine, started talking to a young lady. Nothing sexual happening. Codeine found out lost her damn mind, lost my entire minds and her exact words, and it was is it was literally like devalue and the heat of arguments. We're arguing about

the same thing over and over again. We can't come to any resolve. We're trying to coexist in the household where both of us were unhappy in that moment. And I was just like, Devout, whatever, do whatever you gotta do, Do whatever you gotta do, not thinking that this negro was about to pick up and start talking to somebody

and having conversations. And for me, I know the kind of person Devot is and I'm like, he's not just gonna go out there and do the whole one and done things like Homegirl and the first thing he wanted to know you, they're potentially be an emotional connection that happens, and I just could not risk that all. So I said, you know what, I completely backtracked. Right now. I am not about that. Like I told you, I'm a when I'm ready, but I was not ready for that. And

this is what's crazy to me. It's like when you try to be honest with someone and you tell them how you feel and they say what they think you want to hear, and then you try to move forward and then they don't really say how they feel about it,

and you find out after you've already moved forward. Then you feel like that unfair to you, because I felt like I could have just tried to do it on my own and been quiet, but now me being honest and being open and actually not hiding anything because we had agreed that we were going to try to separate, and now this is happening, you you want to take it back. I feel like it wasn't fair to me.

So with all of that being said, I feel like, rather than say what you think he wants to hear, you gotta tell him exactly how you feel, which I think she did, but he probably thought again she said she shy, so maybe he didn't think. He's like, yeah, she may find somebody, but she may not. But she actually did find somebody who she was attracted to and connected with. Yeah, but but then she also says, you know, should I have experiments in when I was younger or

should I just let all this go? Like I think it's I don't think it's fair to just say let it all go. You still have your whole entire life you try to live. That can build resentment. You know you're gonna feel unfulfilled, and then you're gonna start look at the other person like I'm doing all this for you. What are you doing to fill that gap that I'm feeling? Because clearly she's missing something. Well, she didn't mention also

to put the potential for having a threesome. So maybe now that you've met somebody that you like and there's a possibility that you may want to take it a step further with this person. It seems as if maybe he was okay with the three sum or he was open to it, So maybe introduce him to her now and the three of you sit down together, see if there's a connection there, and if the threesome life works

for y'all, then it may be a thing. Because you said you weren't sure about the three some because you wanted to be sure that you were holy into women. If you are, then maybe he wants the ability to come in now. And that's the crazy thing, right, because you are now sit here and try to give advice. Right, but you it's not easy to just invite another woman and to have a threesome. No you mean it's a guy. No,

as a woman, like, it's not easy. She said she wanted to meet other women, but she didn't want to bring it into her marriage first, right, So my thing is she wants to do what she wants to do for her and not think about her husband. Right. Well, I guess it wasn't clear here. Yeah, but what she said initially we were going to have a threesome, So maybe he was that she put the bosh on it because she wanted to make sure she was into somebody. Right,

So now you're into somebody. Why didn't she introduce the three something because maybe it's not easy to try to share that with someone, right, I'm not saying it is. I'm just saying maybe the next step would be, now that she's found someone and he's feeling a little bit jealous, maybe it's just a time thing. Maybe he's just like, well, damn, you want to spend time with home girl getting to

know her. Maybe he feel may feel like it's a time thing where he's just like, or now I have to split time with this woman you may potentially want to be um in bed with. Maybe now's the time to bring him in to make him feel included. It's just it's it's very difficult, especially with this type of relationship because because she is very curious, if she's interested in women, there's nothing that her husband can do to fulfill that gap. You know, I'm saying there's a void

there that he's never going to be able to fill. Right. And if you're sitting here questioning like whether you should have, you know, experiment when you when you're younger, like you're not younger anymore, since scenario should could have what is at this point you just have to kind of see what it is moving forward. She should she should see somebody to see like why didn't she explore when she was younger clearly, probably because she feel like she was

doing something wrong. She wanted to live the type of life that she probably feels other people wanted live, which which is a message to younger people. If you feel a certain way about something, discontinue trying to live the way you think other people want you to live. Absolutely, live the way you want to live first, and then if you meet somebody and you want to share your

life with that person, then it's an easy way. And then it's easier to align on those things that we're interested in together than trying to conform to what it is you think that person wants you to be or likes for you to be, or would want you to be right, And that's that's not not not easy. It's not easy. I mean, you are right in saying that, you know it may not be easy for her to now introduce this to her husband and say, hey, this is what I found that conversation. But but that conversation

is so difficult. You know, even even you are not being together since we were eighteen when we were talking about separating and things weren't the greatest, but then even me thinking about telling you, like, well, we're not together, and I'm still only and I'm gonna have sex, and we're not gonna have sex. I'm gonna have That's not the easy conversation for me to have with you, right, nor was it something for me to be able to stomach either. And I'm just like, damn, I how am

I not gonna be? Like? I know, there's gonna be avoid now? So do we continue to just have angry sex because we have to have, you know? And but at that point we just also too were over each other for that moment in time. I mean, there's there's there's you know, that's how the tide shifts and relationships. Nothing is always good at one point. You know, we have to find ways to compromise. Um, but sometimes some things are just not compromisable. And this is how we

got through those moments. Um. Kadina and I had some real hard conversations and we were honest about the things we both needed in our relationships. Hearing some of the things she needed hurt me. Hearing some of the things I needed, I know, hurt her. But at least it gave both of us an option to say, you know what, if this marriage is valuable enough to both of us let's work on it right, And we made a decision that we were going to work on it together without

other people. We were going to try to work on it internally. And that's been working for us, you know, it's been working for us. So this was what six years ago? It was about six years ago, five years ago, No, yeah, six seven, six seven almost. Jackson was like maybe a year, year and a half. Yeah, it was a while ago. But it's like, for me, I just realized that there's so much more in a marriage than just sex. That's

that I literally was just thinking the same thing with her. Course, crazy have so many questions revolve around it, and that's like the deciding factor of whether they move forward or not because sex takes up and consumes so much of people when it comes to relationships, But it really is just a it's a segment of a marriage, a marriage because marriage has so much other things. But what happens is no one wants to openly talk about sex and

the issues with sex within a marriage. So there's so many people who are married who are going through issues with sex who don't have anyone they can openly discuss it with because it's so taboo. I mean, we've had our conversations about sex too. I know some people have been like, oh devous, so immature for what he said about being you know, with the sex talk that we recently had on one of our past episodes, you know, and they take you being honest from a male's perspective

as being immature. But it's funny. Did I get tons of tons of d ms for men that are just like, bro, I'm so glad you said it. I'm so glad you said it. Meanwhile, I was getting comments and dams from women like so immature for saying what he said about sex and how men feel about it. And it's not an immaturity thing. He's being honest. You can't bash him

for being honest. At the same time, it's the same thing for women because men say to me all the time, chicks just don't get it right because we're not the same. So men are always gonna feel like chicks don't get it. Chicks are always gonna feel like men immature. But then we're always going to try and coexist within a monogamous relationships the same. It's not possible, So accept the honestly, I'm happy for you says for being honest with your husband.

Maybe see if the next step will be if he's willing to be introduced to this woman who you're now interested in, and see if that's a possibility for you to include him. If y'all can include him, and y'all can make it work, more power to y'all. That works for you, doesn't work for you. But if you guys are happy and you're honeste can lose. All right, We're gonna take a quick break. More listener letters coming up

after we get into some a stay tuned. This for the record, there it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with many chapters. I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior, but here it is the return to glory. This is All American, a new series from Stitcher hosted by me Jordan Bell. You realize Tiger Woods doesn't know who he is in the history of Gaul, no question in my mind, and

this reason. With the help of journalist Albert Chen, we're asking what if the story of Tiger Woods that the media has been telling, what if it's been completely wrong? All American Tiger is out now listen and Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or your favorite podcast app, and we're back into more lists on letters. Um, this is a good one. I go ahead and read it. So. I've been with my girlfriend for close to a year and a half and we've been in love with each other from the beginning,

and I continue to fall in love with her. I've never cheated on her, and I know I never will. But she is my first girlfriend, and I still find myself being curious about other women out there and having

other relationships. I'm actively trying to get my ship together and my finances together, while on the other hand, I feel like she isn't and still depends on her father for a lot, even though I still feel like I need her, I find myself questioning if she's who I for a life partner and teammate to build for a better future. My question is should I explore my options and build different relationships before committing to one person, or continue to build with her while we're young, hoping that

eventually she'll start taking the future more serious. Wow, this is a very mature question for him to ask, which is great. I assume that he's a younger guy. It sounds like he's probably in his early twenties. Yeah, yeah, And I think we can definitely relate to this again because it's literally us all over again, being together from eighteen and nineteen years old. Here we are in our thirties. Um,

and I strut with the same thing. If I wanted to stay committed all of this time, or if I wanted to explore and and feeling like am I making a mistake? My mom telling me that we were being too serious, your parents saying that you were being too serious. You need to focus on your career. This is something that happens when you're young. So do you want to you want to answer? I mean, we can both give

our perspective. Um. Well, first off, kudos to you for even forcing and thinking about this, because sometimes you get so engulfed and so involved in the relationship that you're in that you don't necessarily think about our plans for the future. And I think it's mature of you to say, you know what, she's been my first girlfriend, and yeah, we're super in love in this moment, but there's a possibility that she may not be the one, or we may have to go through this together, or we may

not be able to. I will say that trying to grow together at a young age and stay together is extremely difficult, extremely difficult. We are the first hand account of trying to coexist in a relationship together because you know that the love is so deep rooted, but at the same time, it's trying to find yourself as an individual. Like she's leaving on her father and her family being

able to get away from that. You know, she may not have even reached that level of you know, thought or maturity in herself to say I need to now get away from my family and work on myself as an individual. Um, it's it's I think Deval and I are really an anomaly in that because we were able to communicate through every phase of our relationship and we were able to, um, really just see what it is that we wanted separately. But that did not happen at first. No,

I mean, none of that happens at first. And I think some of the things that he mentioned was her qualities that she lacks. Right, if you guys are young, majority of the people you're gonna meet at this point in life are gonna lack those same qualities depending on how old you are. Not a lot of people have that type of foresight and and financial foresight. But um, for me, I learned that the person Codeine is now as a wife was not that person at eighteen. I'm

not the same person at eighteen. And if people looked at this was funny is that people look at me now and say, oh, man, you know Codein You know what? What was the prayer? That's all I see it? Yes, that give us the prayer you used to get the VL. I was like I had to pray to say okay, there was no prayer to him. God asked me the same thing, like, yo, you or your wife, you're doing your thing. Man, she seems like you know X Y Z, And I'm just like yo. If you knew Cadine from

eighteen to you wouldn't be saying the same thing. If y'all knew me from eighteen to five, you would probably be like, so this and that. When you're at that point in your life, if you're with somebody who you think is going to be worth it to stick with, I would say stick with him because the foundation that we've built from those early years until our thirties has been what keeps us to That's like the major glue of what keeps us together now? Is it easy? No,

it's not easy, you know what I'm saying. And there were times when we took breaks or we felt like we needed to go, uh, possibly explore, and we always found ourselves right back here together. But there was always a conversation first, like I think we need to go our separate ways, and it was never a oh, I want to take a break because I want to talk to dudes and do x y Z and just you know, it was really like, Okay, things aren't working right now in this space. Maybe I just need to for myself.

And then that being honest, we were able to then go take our time, even if it was just talking to other people, having conversations with other people, Like I would tell him, don't not do that. Have conversations with people. There's nothing wrong with that. But in turn that would let you notice, say, you know what, I've had conversations with x y Z. I've been in a couple of dates. No one compares to the greatness that I've found in

this woman. And that's how you realize it. So sometimes those break periods can be healthy as long as it's not abused and it's communicated about. And also, because you're going to break, you don't have to announce your break like in this social media era, it's like the minute two people are going through something, it's like they have to announce to the social media world that they're going

or even to you don't have to tell anybody. If you to decide that this is something y'all want to do because it may be healthy for you, you do it on your own terms. You keep it quiet, you move that way, and then you get back together. One of the greatest things I've learned from my uncle Kevin right was is no one your friends family should know who you're sleeping with, even in her in a relationship or not. Because I remember in college, some of your

greatest haters are the people who are closest to you. Right, Some of the people who do not want to see you succeed or be happy are the people closest to you. And it has nothing to do with you. Misery loves company. They may be going through something in their own life where they're not feeling great about who they are, where they are in their space, and to see other people be happy may bother them with Knina and I had a friend a couple of years ago, right when we

started doing the social media thing. She can't. She wasn't really a friend, she was an acquaintance. She she texts Canein randomly and said, I'm sorry I've been so distant, but me and my husband were going through some things and seeing you and the val be happy really hurt me because I was going through stuff in my marriage and I couldn't really be around it. Canina was like, damn,

should I feel away? And I was like, no, at least she's being honest and telling you that distanced herself from us because she couldn't she couldn't take being around us being so happy at the point. But then that also shows you that sometimes when people are going through things something you did have nothing to do with you

with them. So don't share everything with everybody. Absolutely I agree with that too, but I mean, you know, to to answer his question, I think if it sounds like you're young, Brol, I think you should go out there and you should meet people. Ain't no shame and just going out there developing relationships and friendships with people. You have to kind of be out there and know what

you want, but be open to meet people too. Yeah, and I mean you should be able to vocalize that to her now, you know, to go ahead and say what it is, tell her that you know you're super in love with her. It's been a year and a half, you know. But at the same time too, you're you're young, and you want to be able to go out there and you know, but just know that, I know how men are about their women. You say, now, I want to take a break, So I think I want to explore.

She may explore someone that may knock her socks off, and she may fall in love, and now you've lost what you think might have been the perfect person for you. So understand there are risks that are associated with you wanting to explore. And it may not only be that you find somebody, but she may find somebody. You see

what I'm saying. So yeah, people will tell you explore, do this, do this, and then there are a lot of people who probably explored and now alone and they're talking about the one that got away, That one that got away is so real. Or it could just be like, you know what, she's made space now to be happy in her circumstance, whatever that is. If it's not with you, and you will now find your circumstance that will make

you happy. Imagine that though she finds, she finds space in her circumstances, which means she just want to be alone. And then she starts to grow in her being alone and now she becomes everything that he wants. But she just wants to be alone as opposed to growing with somebody. And that's but that's the true value in a relationship. You deal with someone short hummings because you want to grow together a bigger picture, bigger purpose. That's how That's how I would do it. That's how I did it

with because wasn't always this perfect. She was a pain in the ass. She was masking me. She had a big ass head. And like I said, I had the foresight to see you growing into yours. She was selfish? What else? What else? Well? Damn well? That being said? Why do you stick around? Then? Because I could see and foresee your greatness before me? You see that? How wrong that I'm a poet. I don't even know it. Right, there's a follow up to that. Right, I should have

said something, I mean a rhyme, but it happened. Sometimes there you go, there you go there you go. All right, brother, good luck to you. Um, but yeah, it sounds like you're young. Go out there and have some fun, dude. All right. And our last question, because you guys have such in depth questions that we could talk about for so long. Um. So, I just turned twenty four and for a few years I've been getting a lot of questions about when I'm going to be in a relationship

or why I'm not in one. I feel constant pressure from my parents and friends, and it's starting to make me feel like something is wrong with me. The thing is, even though I graduated a three months ago with my b A, I just prefer to stay focused on my career right now. I don't even know where to start with dating and relationships, most especially because I've never been in a serious relationship or even been on a date. If push comes to shove, how do I shoot my shot?

And how do I deal with the pressure of being in a relationship? Wow, twenty four years on, I have been on a date. So you were really in the social media age? And how to communicate on more? Everything is d M or they watch people from Afar. They don't speak, they don't talk right, And I think it's kind of it's tough if he does, if he wants to, if he aspires to be in a relationship, well, they don't say it's a man or a woman, So I'm

not even sure if it's a male or female. True, if he or she aspires to be in a relationship, the fact that at twenty four you've never been on a date, that is kind of alarming to a family. Right, But if if he or she doesn't inspire to be in a relationship, then focus on your career. Right, exactly happen when it happens. It's funny. My mom would have loved you because my mom was just like, focus on your career, focus on your career. And that's twenty four.

If I hadn't spoken to a guy, she'd be like, oh my goodness, this is great. Um. But you're right. We are in a social media age where it's it's awkward. Having a conversation with somebody is very weird, and it's not commonplace anymore for you to just walk into a rum or, into an establishment and maybe strike strip a conversation with someone next to you or in the same room. Um. So I don't know if it's for lack of that,

or if you're just genuinely just not interested. Um. But either way, the constant pressure from family and friends are always going to be there. And we've spoken before about these societal norms that people place on everyone that's not so normal anymore. You know, the aspiration to be in a relationship, or to be married, or to have children. We've talked about how that's affected us. You know, this timeline of when things should happen. I think it's all

shifted now. It was shifted now. I mean there's no timeline for children anymore. They're women having children way later in life because they want to focus on their career. You know, there's so many different ways to deal with it. Um, So tell you say, I'm the girl off your back, yo, Like you'll get off my back. I'm good over here, I'm stacking these chips. I'm getting my career together. I'm getting focused. Because whether you're a man or a woman,

it doesn't matter. You may want to get your finances in order. You want to make sure that you are an individual and you have figured out what it is that you want. You know, we've spoken about the flip side of that. You know, you can know what you want and be happy with who you are and then find somebody who meets that. But let me ask a question,

as a society, are we changing too much? Because I remember when we were growing up, right there were there were always TV shows and movies and maybe because I haven't watched any kids movies, but it was always about you know, the guy and a girl, you know, becoming, you know, becoming when there's always a love story somewhere. I feel like now there are no more love stories. It's all about this self stories. Yeah, I did this by myself. I'm worried about me. I'm focused on my

star players. So many shows about millennials are just like about the dating scene and the turmoil. There's really like there may be a lot of stories in they're here and there inter intertwined in it, but it's a lot of just like how am I gonna get mine and how am I gonna figure myself out? And there are all these different storylines within these shows. But but also though the underlying agenda and a lot of these things are, is that the same for every community? Because every community

isn't that way. If you look at the millennial, the millennial stories were black millennial stories. It is about the self and doing this on your own. But is that is that the same in every community? Not because some communities still value marriage, and still value family, and still value the passing down of heirlooms. You see what I'm saying. So is there an agenda to eliminate that need or want for families as a way to kind of disconstruct

the black family? I wonder that because when I look at all of these TV shows and I see so many black millennial TV shows, there are no black millennial family TV shows. Why not? Why not? I mean, somebody should just pick us up to start one. That's what we've been saying it. Let's talk about the family unit. But but I mean, but seriously though, that's thought about that. We are teaching how with kids now to be focused

on you and yourself and your career. But how can we grow as families in the community if we're not teaching each other how to communicate with each other? Who's pushing these agendas? That's what she makes you think. It makes you think about it the deeper question. The deeper question, young man, when it comes to shooting your shot, go ahead and shoot your shot. If your person is socially awkward and feel like you maybe don't want to go

out there and talk to people. There's dating apps. Now, maybe you could shoot your your shot through a dating app. I don't know why not. Nothing like good old fashioned walking in the bar. And we agree because we're those kind of people. Were outgoing and where you can go and shoot a conversation with people. That doesn't work for everybody, encouragees. So what's gonna happen when you get in a relationship and you'll have an issue? Wanna send an email? No,

I'm not saying that. It's just about breaking the ice with meeting someone. You know, he or she said, how do you shoot your shot? But I say, you gotta condition yourself and learn. And I know it's different for you because you're a young woman. Most of the time, young women wait for men to come in and shoot their shot. Well now me says, I was like swooping right now. But that's that's what was dope about it.

I was like, curry, listen, I would I would tell you the best way to shoot your shot is to walk up to someone and say I think that you're attractive. Hi, my name is that? Would you like to grab a drink. There you go, simple as that, simple as that simple look at you made it all easy. Our worst case near called a vow and Devaia will like put a little thing in your ear and he'll tell you what

to say. You go with stuff like that, you go with, you go with ice breaking alright, So, thank you all so much for the listener letters, for continuing to write into us. We try to get to as many as possible, but don't stop. Keep them coming. We'll definitely go through some old ones too, and if we get some good questions, will be sure to speak about it. And if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, email us at dead Ass Advice at gmail dot com. That's d A D A S S A d V

I see at gmail dot com. Yes it is. I can't believe it went so fast and we enjoyed every single minute of it. So you know again, guys, thank you all so much for all of the engagement that we've had on social media on Instagram, for people tagging us in stories. It's been amazing. So what is your final moment of truth of the season. Moment of truth

for the season. Wow, I would say, my moment of truth is speaking my truth and how important that is and not just for me as a form of venting or a form of quote unquote therapy for us, but just not knowing the power and sharing your story and how people can relate to that, and how people can engage with you, and how it creates a normalcy around quote unquote problems that you have when you realize and you know, you know what's this, bro, you are not the only one. And I think there needs to be

more of that. There needs to be more dialogue about different situations that were once taboo or people don't like to speak about. Thank you all for giving me this platform to be able to share my stories and my feelings and my thoughts as well as you know, de val In ours together as a couple, but also as individuals, because sometimes there were scenarios that it wasn't necessarily women agreeing with me. There were men that agreed with me.

But in my truth, I'm able to speak about the way I feel, um the things that affect me, how I view certain things, and then in turn people listeners realize, you know what Cadean's going through it, vot is going through it. Everyone's going through it and the relatability. It makes you feel like you are normal and it happens in it's life. So thank you all for that. Yes, maybe you are normal. I'm normal when I'm ready, I'm normal. Is normal ish? Well, my my moment of truth is

very simple as thank you, thank you. I love you guys, I appreciate you. Um Going out on this journey to to share our truth is nerve racking because you hope that it will be accepted. And one thing, like Codein said, you guys made us feel very normal. Getting the text, getting the emails, getting the d M saying hey, we're going through the same thing. It was therapy for us. I know you guys feel like we may help you, but you guys help us. You help us so much.

We appreciate incredibly. We thank you, and we're gonna keep it going dead as Dead. So that's it for season one of Dead asks We'd love you, We thank you, guys, and be sure to follow us on social media because we'll be back for season two. That's I am Devout and Cadein I am on Instagram. Remember, listeners, this is the last episode of the season, so we gotta take a break, spend some time with our family and those three whole boys who are just waiting for us at home,

keep making money, moves, etcetera, all that good stuff. But we will be back in September with new episodes, new gut, new topics, dead as and if you're listening on Apple podcasts, be shore to rate review because we love to hear your feedback, what you like and what we can improve on. And don't forget to hit that subscribe button. That way when we do, a new episode will automatically download to your phone. We're back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth.

We have a podcast going on right now as part of the stitchen netwhere called Abstraction that's available everywhere. Get the podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple, Go listen right now to the Distraction right now, it's out. Do it please,