The holidays are amongst us. You're gonna have to be around family? Or will you have to be around fam?
Baby, I'm not waiting till the holidays to decide who I want to be around or not, Darling. That has started at the top of the year and it is carrying on through the holiday season.
Dead ass.
Hey, I'm Kadeen and I'm Devoured and we're the Ellis's.
You may know us from posting funny videos with.
Our voice and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy.
Wait, I make you need therapy most days. Wow.
Oh, and one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, sir, we are.
We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of Li's most taboo topics.
Things most folks don't want to talk about.
Through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts one hundred the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. We about to take off to our whole new level.
Dead ass starts right now.
Story time.
So I am going to take y'all back to a recent situation I had with my family to discuss invites.
Okay, So.
Without saying any names, because I'm not going to out anybody in particular, I'm going to explain to you guys what I've been going through on my family.
All Right.
When Kadeen and I moved here four years ago, this was our second time moving out.
Of the state.
We lived in LA or well, no, we lived in Michigan for four years when I played ball, right then we moved back. Then we moved to LA for a year and a half. Then we moved to Georgia. Full transparency when we moved out of Brooklyn. Or while we was in Brooklyn, a lot of people didn't come see us. Fact that it didn't matter where we were, So we're
not even gonna blame it on distance. We used to be in Brooklyn and nobody would come to that little ragged apartment that we had, right you know what, nobody York Avenue. You know, we was there ten years, didn't have a lot of visits. I could probably count on one hand how many times people came. So cut to we Now in Georgia, we've been here for four years. Some people come, some people don't.
I invited. One of my uncles was like one of my favorite uncles.
I invited him a bunch of times, and during the invite process he never had a chance to make it here. And something's happened to your family. When you're you know, sometimes you create distance and things happened. I thought he was upset at me.
I thought he was.
I thought he was pissed, and for lack of a better word, I thought he wasn't wucking with me. So now we're having a big family gathering here at the house. And since I had invited him for four years, when my dad asked me, like, yo, how we're gonna invite you know so and so I was just like, don't worry, Like, don't bother, they're not gonna come. After not inviting them.
They became very upset that they weren't invited. So I was kind of like, how dare you be upset after being invited and not coming, So that now that you are invited and you don't, Oh, you're not invited, now you're upset, Which lead me to think about impact versus intent, because those two are very different. But a lot of times when you're trying to create boundaries with people, you have to consider intent versus impact. And that's what I want to talk about today.
Baby.
All right, well talk about it then we're gonna talk about it.
So this song my wife came up with because when I tell you, this is my wife's attitude. This is literally my wife's attitude when it comes to people who she gotta put boundaries up.
Listen, you want to start it, don't let my husband. Don't be giving my husband grief, baby, because anybody, and that goes for anybody, family, friends, coworkers, business folks, whoever it is. If anybody fuck with you, I don't fuck with them, which leads me to I don't fuck with you. You look stupid ass, So with you period. Okay, I don't even have to go no further with the song. That's just what it is.
As you can tell my wife you know I'm a buckt her feelings as a period.
You've got issues with your man and your woman. What, But don't tell your family facts, you know what I'm saying, because we will hold on to that moment.
That is a fact.
So for my marriage folks out there, folks in relationships, just keep it between y'all two baby, because if you're anybody, if you got any family like Kadeen, Baby, she's ready to buck when people want to knock. All right, let's go pay some bills, y'all and let me cool down, and then we'll come back and we'll get into story time stick around.
All right, we're back, So let me just just dive in a little bit here, just to provide some context when you when you have family, right, I'm learning now as I get older that family forever evolves.
Like who is.
Important to you in the moment changes as your family grows, Right, Because when you're part of a nuclear family, like me being a part of my mom and my dad's nuclear family, who they told me were important, I had to value right. So if their brothers and sisters, their mom and dad, their friends, but we had things like make sure you invite, make sure you were just because they had a nuclear family,
they were putting together. Now, Kadeena and I have a nuclear family, and we're trying to make sure that we keep all of the people that were important to us together. You know, when sometimes people get invited, sometimes people don't. Sometimes life happens and you lose. You lose people, you know, as far as seeing them consistently. When we used to live in Brooklyn. Certain people we used to see all
the time. And I'm going to add this context because the uncle that I ultimately didn't invite, he was an uncle that we would run to when we had things to do.
So for example, if Kadeena.
And I had an event or we had to go, I could drop Jackson. At the time, we only had one child, I could drop Jackson. Or maybe sometimes it was Cairo too possible to them and hit him and his wife and they would they would watch the kids and everything would be fine. Like and because we were so close, we were like I think it was like nine blocks away. Like you would go down New York Avenue three blocks and to make a left to Monroe Street and we would be right there.
So it's super convenient.
But when you can see people like that quick, you sometimes you know, you take for granted how important they are until you move away and you realize, like, damn, I don't see them as much. And in this particular story, I think a lot of that happened. We're talking about a family and I'm not gonna that's my uncle Kevin. You know it's my uncle Kevin. This is this is like, it's my my favorite uncle. This is my guy. He's the guy that I wanted to be like. He's the
guy that taught me a lot about about women. I used to let me borrow his car, and you know what I'm saying.
Yeah, everybody knows what it was like with that favorite an.
That's the guy that I you know, I looked up and I was just, man, if I can you he liked somebody when I didn't want to talk to my dad about things.
I spoke to him.
Yeah. Oh, Kevin really liked me off the bat too, which was nice. Oh yeah, he was like he was like, you know, everybody liked me off that shout out Kevin.
He looked at you. He looked at you the first time.
It was just like, you know, he's like, yo, dude, this is how my uncle talked me. Hey, yo, dude, she's cute. You know what I like the most? I was like what he was like, she's smart. He started asking you know's gonna ask you about grides and stuff, and they was asking you when you were having these conversations about academia and you know, what you want to do and stuff.
And then he was looking at me.
It was just like, y'all, I love the fact that she think I liked that, right, she's smart.
That's my that's my uncle Kevin.
That was me thinking like one hundred and twenty five pounds.
He also told me too, he was just like you see now because I've said this on the podcast. He was the one, him and my pops just like you find the slim thick joints when they're early, because once they have kids, then they'll be the thick thick joint.
So shout out to Uncle Kevin for giving me that.
But over the past couple of years, I mean, he has two grown kids, three grown kids, two and a half. I like to see two and a half because one is outside of his marriage. Before he met my aunt Chattie him and he had my cousin Porsche, who was like growing up, was like my best friend. So he has three grown kids who have kids too. Porsha has three sons, so he has grandkids. Then Cal just got married and Ca engaged, and Ki got his own thing
going on with school and training and stuff. So I was also under the impression that he had a lot going on. I have a lot going on. After a couple of years, you know, you lose touch with people. So during the time we lost touch, I had invited him to come down here a couple of times, and it was a couple of times I thought he had came to Georgia and didn't see us. And like in any family, you have disagreements and miscommunications. Miscommunication tends to
be miscommunication. Me and my cousin Cale had some disagreements, some miscommunications. So because those years went by and we had these disagreements, when my unc who wasn't coming, I just thought that he wasn't rocking with us like that. I thought that he was just like, yo, I'm not going down there because family got they things, you know what I'm saying. Me and my sister went through our
times when we weren't talking necessarily. We only talked when we saw each other at our parents' house because we couldn't have a conversation without, you know, being upset at each other.
So I thought this was one of those things.
So after not coming to a couple of invites, we were having a family thing that my dad was putting together and he had my aunt and my uncle and them on the list, and I said, don't bother inviting them because they're not gonna come guys.
The family thing was supposed to be, Oh, we're gonna have a couple of family members come to see us and spend a weekend. I'm thinking twelve, fifteen, eighteen people, thirty seven. Forty four was the thing.
It was forty four.
Yeah, it ended up being forty four because, to your point, the nuclear family then becomes expansive as people gets older. There was forty four people here, absolutely, forty four people here because for example, your aunt has two daughters who now have two boyfriend right and such and such now has a fiance, and then all these people expanding more and more, right, and then you add our family that it was about fifty of us in here.
You're right because when my dad first showed me the list, he didn't have the list of the significant.
Other significant others.
I didn't even think about that exactly. So we asked forty, well over forty people here. My dad was just like, YO, what am I I was like, YO, like they're not gonna come.
You know what I'm saying? Was I in my feelings?
Yeah, it was in my feelings, And I was like, Yo, don't don't invite them, Like they're not gonna come. I've invited them so many times they don't care.
And there's the question of sorry, before you continue. How many times do you invite somebody before they just you just stop inviting them, right, you know, because the same could be said for us. You know, not to deter from the story real quick, but the same can be said for us. We sometimes get invited things, often from a lot of people, and it's just like, damn, with scheduling, with kids, with life and work, with tours, with filming,
it's like, damn, I can't come. So there is a couple of people who come to mind who invited me to thinks a couple of times, and I've been like, Damn, I can't make it, Damn, I can't make it. So do I then get into my feelings because I may not be invited to the next event that I might be available to make it to. At what point do you stop inviting people?
That's a good question and we should do a podcast about that because I learned a lot during this situation about always inviting people, especially if those if there are people who've always been there for you, just because their life gets busy over the last couple of years and they can't come don't mean that you stop inviting them, you know, like we can't.
And I'm glad you brought that up because I learned in this.
Moment you can't put a whole forty year relationship into three.
Years, meaning the three years of contemp.
I've been on this earth for forty years and my uncle Kevin has been in my quarter for forty years. For the past three years, we haven't been on the same page. You know what I'm saying. I refuse to encompass everything that we've been through in forty years and just say, well, these three last three years, you've been like this, So I'm not fucking with you, right. You know what I'm saying based off of a disagreement, And I learned learned that through this, you know what I'm saying.
The whole point I told the story was, you know how we talked about intent versus impact. I said to my uncle when I found out that I found out that he was upset. My cousin Kire was upset, and I was just like, I don't understand why you're upset. I invite you to stuff and you don't come the minute I don't invite you. Now you're pissed off, right, And my biggest thing was I didn't invite you because I hated you. I didn't invite you because I thought you weren't gonna come. So my intent was not to
hurt your feelings. My intent was to prevent my feelings from being hurt by saying, if I invite you and you don't come, I don't want to be disappointed, and oh set, I'm going to be impacted. So I tried to protect my peace right. And when I explained it to him, he said, you understood. When I explained it
to my cousin, my anchiity. But then it made me really think about having this conversation on the podcast, right, how do you create boundaries with family when everyone's telling you to give grace but at the same time saying
give you know, create boundaries. It almost seems like it's telling you the two opposite things at the same time, cause giving race means whatever happens, I how to understand where you're coming from, whereas creating boundaries means what you're going through is not my problem.
I'm stopping it here, or it's.
A protecting myself mechanism from what you know, the inevitable may be. So, for example, if you do have someone in your family and this is not your uncle or anyone.
This is specifically hypothetically speaking. If you have someone who time and time again decides to disappoint you in whatever facet It can be not showing up or not calling or checking in whatever it may be, and then you decide, you know what, I'm just not going to be the one to touch base anymore or to continue to try to forge this relationship because it doesn't seem like the
other party is doing. So you then are well within your right to say, you know what, just to protect myself, I'm going to create this boundary here while I can still give that person grace and be like, you know, they may be going through something as well, but I think we're necessary. They tend to be people naturally who want to protect ourselves.
I agree.
Versus the other person, I.
Agree, But creating a boundary for yourself without communicating it to the other person is not fair.
Oh yeah, the communication is important.
And that's where I messed up.
That's why I messed up, And that's where you know I have to and I wanted to talk about this publicly so that I can teach people what I learned, because to be honest, I don't feel like I was wrong for not inviting them.
I don't.
I'm like, I've been inviting you for years and everything else was more important. I'm not going to keep doing that to myself, right. But what I could have done, which after speaking to my uncle, is I could have said, you're uncle, we having something at the crib. You ain't been here, so I'm not extending the invitation because there's a lot of people, and if I'm going to have a lot of people, I'm going to want to know who's going to be here. I'm afraid that if I
invite you, you won't come, you won't show up. But then I would have held the spot. If I would have said that, it would have at least given him the opportunity to make a choice. I took his choice away. And that's when I said, you know what, I was right for protect through my piece, But I was wrong for not expressing how I felt and why because now I created a boundary. But I didn't give grace because
remember you you said we ask for grace. I asked for grace all the time because I'm always traveling and I can't make things, so I'm always asking for grace. When I spoke to my uncle, I was like, yo, why you haven't been here. He explained to me what he was going through, had started a new job, working on all these things. And I said, damn, I didn't consider none of that. So here I am being selfish in myself saying my uncle, my uncle didn't come to see me.
Me, me, me, me, my uncle here.
You see what I'm saying.
Yeah, And then in doing that and not speaking to him, I then created a boundary for myself which out without speaking to him.
So now I hurt him.
So now the way I impacted him was not how I intended, but I did, And I had to realize in that moment of value, like, yeah, you had a right to be upset, but think outside of yourself for a minute. Bro, your uncle been here in your whole life. Yeah, he might have had a rough three years. That might have been some other stuff going on that you don't know about, and the men, and he couldn't be there for you the way you wanted him to be here for you.
De vow you cut him off or didn't include him.
You know what that is fucked up, And that's what made me think about, like, yo, how do we create boundaries but also give grace?
Right? And so I think it just gets harder as you get older, because you started out by talking about like what your new nuclear family looks like, right, And at what point do you say, Okay, yes, I was attached to my mother and father and their siblings you know,
aunts and uncles and then of course cousins. But then you create your own family with someone and you have your children, and then how do you continue to also I guess make room for the people who you've grown up with without it getting to be something that's overwhelming and you're always having to consider the feelings of all
of these grown ass people. You know, because I've been on the opposite side of that too, where I'm just like some of the issues that my mom's generation, for example, was deal with, I'm like, that's not necessarily my cross
to bear, that's my problem. These issues have happened long before I even was here, But here I am trying to be the person who's bridging the gap and being the middleman and bringing everyone together when it's like sometimes people don't want to be brought together or for your own sanity. Sometimes it's easier to just leave those people out and stick with your little nuclear family.
I'm glad you brought that up, because that's why I wanted to have this discussion right understanding what intent is, right Truba.
You know, she always includes the facts and stats, absolutely facts.
Intent is the intention or purpose behind in action, while impact is the results of that action and how it's perceived. Intent is personal, while impact may be based on a person's background, personal experiences, and trauma.
Way more loaded.
The reason why that.
Is important is because we as people right have to stop looking at our intent right and then giving ourselves a justified past because our intent was genuine, that does not mean that it didn't impact the person that you did it to in a negative a negative way.
And do we then judge the person for the way they feel after they've been impacted because you're saying, but that's not how I meant it. Yeah, that's what was supposed to be. It's not even like that though. Yeah, that's lots of consider It really is lots of consider within relationship.
When your intent does not match the impact it made on someone, it's important to listen to understand how to communicate with that person better. Although you may not have intended to cause harm, understanding how your actions have impacted someone can help you.
Create a stronger connection.
The reason why I think this is important, especially around the holiday seasons, is because this time of the year, people like Thanksgiving, how to go to this person house? I really don't.
You know what I'm saying.
And then we don't even ask ourselves why we feel that way. We just say we feel that way, and then we find ways to avoid that person, which creates more issues.
Some people know exactly why they don't fuck with somebody and still feel like, you know what, Damn, I'm gonna have to sit through this. Or I feel like our generation now is more so the generation to say, you know what, I'm just not doing that.
Yeah, but but our generation still isn't having conversations. Our generation I call them the cut off generation.
Right.
The generation before us was the avoid it, put it under the rugs, let's ignore it. That's this generation is. Yeah, we're gonna point it out. We're gonna shame the people who don't like We're gonna we're going to just ignore them because I'm creating boundaries as I'm stronger, which isn't the right way either.
The communication component is what's missing between the prior generation and our generation. Yes, it's the community communication.
Because creating boundaries for yourself, while intended to be good for you, can also impact the person you created the boundary from in a negative way if you don't explain why you created that boundary, and that boundary can also create more trauma that can now.
Lead to issues that your kids gotta did with.
For example, we all know that those aunts and uncles who don't talk to each other.
Right, and we don't even know why they don't talk to each other.
But you know what happens now that aren't or uncle don't talk to the other aunt or uncle's kids.
Right, Those kids don't know why.
I have no idea, So you know what happens to those kids? They grow up saying fuck that uncle and that uncle and aunt has kids too. And I was like, wait, fuck my father or dad or mom fuck you. And now you got cousins beefit and we don't we don't know why.
It just makes for really uncomfortable situations year after year.
So this is what I want to do with this episode, right, I want to implore people to find out about your family history. You know how I was able to get through what I was going through with my uncle because it was a lot, It was heavy. We were upset each other for a minute, started to think back about my uncle's past. Then my aunt's passed her upbringing his upbringing. Then I had to think about his kids. Don't think about myself because the first thing we do is do.
You know everything I've been through it hurt me? Because it is.
It hurt my feelings, and it the whole time you're not thinking, well, what about the other person? So when I sat down and I started to actually think about the other members of my family, I could honestly say, no one woke up intending to hurt my feelings. So if they didn't intend to hurt my feelings, do I necessarily have to create a boundary that's a hard stop for that family member.
And to me, the answer is.
No, because as long as I know that your intent wasn't malicious, I can still extend grace.
But that only came through communicating and researching because you were on the border, yes, were about to be like it was border that Like I'm done, and that's just what it is. But you then being you know, pretty mature, and I'm working to situations where I was just like, I'm not doing that, and he's just liked, I think you should, and I'm like, I'm not doing that, and he's like, I think you need to have that conversation.
And after having conversations on my end with family members who I've had either disagreements with or didn't see eye to eye, it really is super eye opening when you get somebody else's perspective. And then you go from this weird place of being pissed off and annoyed at this person and being like ugh, to really having empathy and being like damn, no for real, being like, damn, I didn't realize that. A, that's what you were going through.
That's you know, how you were raised. These are the things that you're contending with with your spouse or you know, whatever other relationships that are impacting you know, whatever decisions
you've been making lately. And then it kind of makes you feel dumb, dumb, yeah, and it makes you feel like damn, like I was here harping on this one particular thing that made me feel some kind of way, and I didn't even realize that you had this plethora of other things where you were literally in survival mode. And see here I am judging you for that.
That goes back to something else.
I always say, right, as important as you think you are, you have to realize that you're not. Because here I was thinking that, damn, my uncle wasn't coming to see me because he's mad about this. He must be pissed about it. I created a whole narrative about why he was mad. Then I speak to him. This is another thing. Shout out to my uncle Harold, uncle Kevin's best friend. They grew up together, they were cops together. My uncle
Kevin came to Georgia. Harold picked him up, didn't tell him he was coming to meet me, didn't tell me I was gonna meet him because me and my uncle at that time wasn't talking. We had got into a screaming, shouting match, you know, hung up the phone on each other, and we wasn't talking. And then we see each other. The minute we see each other, what happen? Like you know what I'm saying. I give him a big hug.
I'm bigger than him now, Like you know, when it's your uncle, you donally run up and jumping your uncle, but I'm big at him now. He gave me a big hug. I gave him a big hug, and we sat down. And when he's older than I am, my uncle's sixty something, so I know that generation very well, dealing with my parents and your parents. So when he sat down, it wasn't important to me in that moment
to tell him everything I was going through. I said, please, please take the time and just tell me what's going on.
But you also were seeking understanding because he knew it was so out of character for him, especially knowing him for so many years and the relationship you've had, so I think he really just wanted to.
Utimately, I was concerned one about my uncle my uncle's mental space, because I know, especially for that generation in particular, there haven't been a lot of spaces for men to be vulnerable and speak about what they go through.
So I had to sit back and say, dang, my uncle could be going through something.
If he doesn't feel comfortable talking to anybody, it can spiral out of control. And I never want to see my uncle go through what I watched other men in my family go through dealing with dementia or stress, alcoholism, getting up and leaving like I was like, I always was concerned about how he was doing. So when we met, you know, and he was, I was just like, yo, just tell me. And for forty minutes he let me
know everything he was going through. And the more he was letting me know what he was going through, I felt small because I say, here, I am thinking in my mind that you were upset about me, that.
You weren't even He was like, yod, I wasn't even upset.
I had a lot going on in my house and at work, and I was like, I'll get back to him. Now here's another thing. When you don't talk a lot, family talks. So Uncle Kevin saying I'll get back to you. He didn't even get a chance to get back to me because it had got back to someone else that
he was upset at me. And by the time it got to me from a third party, everything that I thought he was upset about wasn't even what he was upset about, which taught me the importance of not always creating boundaries, but giving grace so that you can sit down and have conversations. Because if I would have just spent here like you know what, remember you said, I agreed. I was on that brink, like, yo, if he don't text me back today because I sent him a text, I'm good because I've.
Done everything in my power.
I was the more mature one, and if he don't get back to me, I'm not talking to him.
And three days went by and I was like I'm good, Like, hey, I did my part. And imagine if.
Harold didn't bring my uncle and we don't speak for months and then it becomes years, and then it's like I don't fuck with my uncle and he don't fuck with me. When time happens, now everyone has more time to create a narrative about what they think happens.
Man. And when you say everyone, it's not even just you and him, because said of the conversation then expands to extended family and surrounding family, where it's like you're having conversations with everyone and they're given their perspective, which is then potentially adding to a narrative that wasn't even the narrative exactly. So that sometimes does more harm than good.
And for you, it was a moment too. I think in those moments then about how you were feeling to give your side of the story, because I also feel like within families there's also this your side versus my side versus what we actually went down, and we get caught in the crossfire. A lot of times when we're having those family discussions with the family surrounding, it's about who said what, when, and how that impacted you, what I and the intent around them telling you what they told you.
What I noticed about a lot of this from all sides, not just from my side, is that a lot of times in families, people are concerned about looking wrong to other people. So even when they tell stories or tell, you know, their idea of what happens, they always tell it in the light where they were the victim and the other person was this demon person. I was doing something bad, and I realized, boy, before that this in that way, before.
This instant, that that's not the truth. Right.
If I'm gonna tell a story to somebody, if I really want to seek understanding from a third party, I gotta tell the whole story, even the ones that may make me look a little bad, because.
I have to be honest.
The accountability, you gotta be accountable like and that's the first thing I did. When I spoke to Uncle Harold, I was like, yo, he was like, what's going on with you and your uncle? I didn't start by saying he did he did? No, I said, okay, let me be honest. There were some things that I did first that I feel like would have if I would have changed my mentality or my thought process, we wouldn't have. And it's bad, but this is what happened, and that
he was listening. And one thing about Uncle Harro he's a former detective. He wasn't there what happened first. Whoever happens, whoever did this first, is the one who's guilty. No, he didn't do that. The minute I finished talking, he said, it's some bullshit. Y'all acting like some bitches. And he was just like, y'all need to grow up. This is not Yes, he was like, this is not important enough for y'all not to be talking right, And he was listening to me.
But the thing is, he didn't even have to validate what I was saying.
The fact that he just listened and let me speak without interrupting me made me hear myself. And then while I was talking to him, I was like, dang, this sounds so fucking stupid, Like, why am I arguing with someone who I admired so much for forty years? About three years, you know, And that's less than ten percent of the time that we've spent together. And in those three years, we've probably spent three days together, whereas for the other thirty.
Seven we were around each other week after week.
And that's why I really wanted to talk to everybody in the podcast and be like, Yo, the holidays is coming up. There's gonna be that cousin, that nephew, that sister, that brother, that mother that you're gonna be like, I don't want to talk to this motherfucker. I'm asked, I'm begging you take the time to sit down and ask that person what they've been going through and what's going on, and just listen, just listen. You may find it in your heart to extend some grace.
You may because you may further that boundary or you know what're like, this is exactly why I wasn't fucking with you at this time.
Anyway.
Absolutely, that's the most fairest thing ever. As my son, who has no boundaries, what's the upcoder, just walk right in here with his Apple slices. Now you talking about somebody not having boundaries, it's d Koda and.
We're gonna give him grace because he has something feeling well today, because your mommy's always gonna give grace. I love that, but no, you're absolutely right about that. I think the conversation component between it's like that bridge between grace and boundary, you know what I mean, it's having the conversation. I had a similar situation with family member as well that for years I was just so upset, so upset about the way she was existing and the
things that she was doing. And you also realize too after a while that sometimes within family they're being enabled by other family members at the same time. So it's like you can't even get mad at one family member for their actions because somebody else is allowing it to happen. So you realize, you know what, that's not even my battle to fight, Like, why am I over here upset? Why am I over here, you know, distancing myself when
everybody else seems to be okay with it. So if everybody else is okay with it, all I know at that point is that I can step away the boundary that I create is to know, yes, I understand what's happening. Everybody's entitled to feel their way they feel, but I'm also entitled to say, you know what I said my piece, and I can walk away and I can still exist and coexist in spaces with them where we're still family.
Thanks, And that's that's ultimately, Like, what I've come to terms with is that extending grace doesn't also mean that you have to cross your own boundaries. You just have to figure out where that line is. And I have my moment of truth. That's what I was writing down. I have a moment of truth that I feel really strongly about. So after we take this break and we get to these listener letters, we can come back.
But before we go to the listener letters, you got to like round out the story. So Vin came back. Know what happened here? You know I'm saying, because this is a devout story. Time is an extended, extended clip today episode of Time.
And I'm excited to talk about this because we always talk about how dead Ass podcast is therapy for us. My family was going through it. You know, my mom was upset, my grandmother was upset. You know, my uncle Kevin, was upset. His family was upset. My I was upset. You were upset.
You know.
So this is real things. But the resolution of it is really what I'm proud of. Because my uncle I brought Uncle Kevin here, we saw each other.
That was a surprise. He didn't tell Uncle Kevin.
I wish I said it before you left the house. So Uncle Harold called a vout and was like, Hey, I need you to meet up with me real quick, just some stuff. I want to talk to you over the phone. And I literally was like, I wondered if Kevin's and I should have said it to you, because that's the first thing that crossed my mind, and I was like, Nah, he wouldn't have came down like this quick to have this conversation.
I'm glad that you didn't, because if you would have said that to me, I would have asked you, Harold, you got Kevin with you because if he's not, I need to be prepped because I don't know how I'm going to respond or how he's going to respond. Because I definitely would have been like, yo, don't do that to him neither, because he was the one that was really really upset. And one thing I've learned to about boundaries.
When someone says they're upset and they want to talk about it, when they can get their emotions together, surprising them or popping up with an intervention, you.
Got to respect that. That's not cool.
But the fact that Uncle Harold did that, it shows that he knows his friend.
True.
The fact that my uncle was willing to sit down and have a conversation with me shows the love that my uncle has for me. But also I love him too, like he got a chance to realize, like damn, my nephew. Because all Harold had to do was tell me one time I got to talk to you about some stuff or meet me here.
And I was like, all I bet you know.
Like I didn't ask a bunch of questions. I was like, all right, I'm here, like where you at. So it was a good feeling to see my uncle pop up the minute I saw him, and he smiled.
I smile because.
Y'all really knew y'all was being bitches, didn't you.
No, No, he said to Harold. He said to Harrold on the phone, he was like, your Harold. Harold relaxed, like this ain't gonna last too long, and Harold was like, well.
He touched you.
You should have responded back, like my uncle Harold, don't hold no punches. He's like you like yo, Like you like that deserves a response? keV Like You're not supposed to.
Do that, right.
I harrow twoice in my life, and both times I was like, I absolutely love this man. I don't know what it is about him, but I love his spirit.
Yeah, he's well.
What you do love about him too, is that he had a near death experience and watched his family be there for him, you know, throughing.
All of through all of that.
So his perspective on life is nothing is more important than the people who are willing to be there for you. When you think this is your last breath, and when you take what you think is your last breath, you gotta think about it.
The house, the.
Cars, this to that, the money, all that stuff don't matter. You're thinking I'm never going to see these people again.
And when that.
Becomes your reality, you start to look at some of your actions as a person and.
You think this is stupid.
I'm acting like a bitch, Like you know what I'm saying, Like, why am I letting this even bother me? That much. I'm not gonna let it get creeping my brain. Yeah, we're not beefing. I mean we're not talking.
We beefing. What's up? Tell me what?
Just give me your perspective, what you think happened. And during that time when they talking, don't be looking to defend you know why they feel that way?
I mean, yes, that used to be you all the time.
Absolute I was always like I was the one that was heavy on the intent. I'm like, man, I did not know. There's no part of me, there's no bone in my body that had any malice with this intent.
But so the fact that you took it that way and it impacted you that way is crazy to me, and that that used to be my thing, especially with you and I I pledged to I can't believe you feel this way when really all I was doing was this And then in that turn, you felt like I was trying to diminish how you felt, or trying to dismiss how you felt, or not trying to empathize how you felt, when really I couldn't get past the fact, like what did I do wrong? And that's just having
a self reflection for me. When you're thinking about the intent portion of it. What did I do or how did I deliver this or what action did I do? How could I have done it differently so I didn't get this impact or you didn't get this impact? You know. So that was always my thing when it came to disagreements with you, and but you know, thankfully, through this podcast and through our relationship, been able to just extend this to our extended families.
But also once again, you trying to explain why you did it also speaks to your intent. M you know not you know not you know saying well, I see how that impacted you is why arguments keep going. You know, if someone says, YO, poke me in my eye, and that person just is I didn't do it on purpose, But you poked me in my eye. But I didn't do it on purpose. My eyes bleeding, I have scratched it, I can't see, I'm blind. I used to have twenty twenty visions. Now I have zero zero vision in my eye.
And that person goes, but I didn't do it on purpose. You're gonna be like, that's all you care about. You don't even care about my eye. All you care about is how you look in this situation. I can't even look because I can't see.
Nobody wants to be the bad guy, and that's the problem. You just want your eye kissed, right.
My one eye? You know it got one eye. I guess it's time to take a break.
I guess a break.
So Kaki kissed the one eyed monster since she brought it up.
I know, I know, we do some stupid. Goodbye, Let's go pay some bills to come back. I don't even know what I was gonna say.
I don't know how my brain goes there.
Seg to pay the bills, and it just went over my head because.
You're trying to pay some bills. Go ahead, go ahead, take it. Take it to break. Let's take it break.
We'll be back with Listen Letters. Y'all stick around, all right?
We back.
Now, we are back, and I'll jump into Listener Letters your money, all right. First off, I wanted to say that I love your podcast. I've been a longtime listener and fan, and I really enjoy the down to earth conversations that you guys have. Thank you. That being said, the episode with Kaylin Allen really uplifted me to strive for better in their life. That's why we do it, you go. I am a thirty three year old woman
and I have a one year old son. I've always been driven to get a better education and land corporate job, so I initially went that route and got my bachelor's degree in healthcare management, along with a multitude of associate degrees and diplomas.
Your mother would love them.
Oh yeah. After experiencing a layoff a few years back, it really shifted my entire mindset and made me realize that my happiness does not reside in my degrees nor our jobs. Absolutely yet, I've spent so much time spinning my wheels trying to figure out what does. So I ended up remaining in corporate America, even though I loathe it. There's no natural talent that I have that sticks out financially. Sorry,
I think I jumped the gun here. There's no natural talent that I have that sticks out to me, nor any particular passions. My only goal is to live a financially wealthy life, not like me. Tell baby girl, I know exactly how you feel.
Okay.
I strive to be low key wealthy, but I can't figure out what direction or niche that I'd like to go into. I did start drop shipping clothing business a while back librevilling dot Com, but honestly, I haven't put that effort into it because it just doesn't feel like my calling. The reason why Klein Allen's particular episode stuck out to me is because he is so aware, confident, and bold about his life goals as a whole. That
is a fact at twenty six is crazy, definitely. I mean, he looks twenty six, but I definitely thought he was older based off of his demeanor. Sometimes I really do wish there was an easier way to distinguish what my passions and desires are, to have a better understanding of what direction to go into that that can lead to fulfillment. Ultimately, it's solely just my drive for financial success pushing me along, and I realize that it's likely why I've been spinning
my wheels, unsure of what direction to go in. The only major thing I've done outside of corporate is purchase land that I will hopefully be able to add a home and tenant one day, and I honestly question if that was even the right investment or direction. Every day I want to ensure that myself and my son are set up in the long run financially and escape corporate
America entirely, but currently walking in circles. Any advice about how to go into the right direction concerning starting my business or investment opportunities if there's no real passion behind it, Sincerely, the purposeless Entrepreneur travel.
So many people have asked me the same question, and they say, Devalo, you know I've heard you tell a story about how you knew what you want to do with You was five and you wanted to act and you knew this. It's like, I don't know what I want to do, Like how do I find that out? And you know what, I realized people don't travel anymore. Like a lot of people feel like the digital age is how they can see the world, so they're force
fed all of these things. And the thing is, the algorithm only shows you things you click on, so you can't discover anything. Really, it's going to force feed your stuff you already know. So it gets boring and you.
Start to feel like, well, I know everything and I don't love anything about this.
I have no passions. I have no passions, I have no talent. That's not true. Get out there and travel the world. Go do something, put your feet on the ground, use your hands. Like, there's so much more to the world than just making money. And the reason why I say that is because you know, people say it's the time. You know, money ain't doesn't solve happen, it's money to
bring you. Oh that's a rich people saying No, that is a fact, because because when I was broken poor and I was playing football, football, and I was making a lot of money, I was not happy, that's fact. And I was ready to leave and people asked me, like, why you leave football? So you quit football? I was because I wasn't fucking happy, right, So there wasn't amount of money that was going to be given to me.
But because my parents made sure that we traveled a lot and I saw so many different things, I was able to try things and realize, oh, I love doing this, and that's how I found my passion. So the only way you can find your passion passion is to do some soul searching. Meditate by yourself, go travel by yourself. I know you have a child. I heard them say they have a child. Ye go out there and see playing girl. Yeah, I mean if she is financially stable
enough to do that. That's a really good idea. What made me think it's funny that you mentioned travel. But what I was as I was reading her story and I was thinking about it, I'm wondering, at thirty three, was there anything that she was exposed to or involved in as a kid that is like, man, I really
enjoyed when I did that. Like for me, for example, growing up being in pageants, being on stage, being in front of the camera, dance competitions, all of those things, I think if it if I didn't have it naturally, it kind of just fostered that love for wanting to be in entertainment and on the stage and in front of the camera. So for me, that was something that worked out being a passion of mine where it's just this is something that I enjoy.
But I also do feel like her. I can empathize where I have moments where I'm just like, well, shit, I just give me the money portion of it, right, give me the money portion of it, Because I sometimes have moments like I've been going through and maybe the past two or three weeks that I was just like, Yo, what's going on with you? Your and it it's been off,
and I'm like man, I think I'm burnt out. I think this year really like was a lot with us, with work and business and transitions and all of that, to the point where I'm just like, damn, like right now my peace of mind is superseding my passion for anything but my family.
I hear you, but I just think people have to let me ask you a question. What's what's your passion?
Like?
What do you want? Like when people.
Ask you your mission statement for your life?
What is your mission statement for your life?
See? Everything? When I think about that, I really everything goes back to my family. It goes back to my four boys.
In you or do you have a specific mission statement?
No?
How old are you?
I'm forty almost one.
The reason why I'm asking you that question is because she at thirty three is saying she don't know yet.
And my point is everybody doesn't know yet.
Because Kaylin knew in his twenties doesn't mean everybody has to know in their twenties. To feel fulfilled, you spend time in your life searching for the truth, the truth about the afterlife, the truth about purpose, the truth about passion. You're in your thirties, the fact that you're seeking something knows that you're not fulfilled by what you're doing, so keep searching. But that doesn't mean that you're lost and you don't know. That just means you have more to do on your journey.
And here you hear you know what I'm saying. I man get that because, like you said, as a forty year old woman, I'm still some days like that's my point. What exactly, what exactly makes sense for me? Like what do I really want to do? Like if God literally was like kadive right now in this moment, I will grant you whatever it is that you want, with whoever it is you want, whatever job you want. It's probably not going to be a daytime talk show. It's probably
not going to be something on camera. It's going to be give me a healthy, prosperous life with my husband and my four boys. That would be it. You know. So everybody's passion looks different. And I love family. That is it supersedes everything.
And listen to what you say. You said long process.
So you you you prioritize health, Yes, you prioritize longevity, you prioritize consistency, and you prioritize family. So it seems as if you do know what you want. I think some people just can't articulate what it is that they want, but you do know what you want.
Or as a woman, we're also conditioned to feel like you need to do all the things. You need to have the career, and you need to have all these things able to be able to be deemed successful. And then you have women who are just like I don't want a family. I want the career and the passion, and that's where my passion.
But why do people have to create their ideas of what success is based on other people's ideologies condition to do? But that, to me is the first part. If you're really seeking, like your your purpose for yourself, you have to look inward, right, why do I care what society says about how I'm supposed to be successful if that's your sole purpose? Oh not purpose, If that's the impetus of your thoughts. Your impetus of your thoughts is I have to be able to please, appease or please society.
You're always going to feel like this young lady here. You have to find it within yourself to say I like this for me, I'm gonna.
Do it and not be worried about what everyone else may be thinking. Yeah, yeah, essentially, good luck to you, sis. I pray you find purpose and become the purpose full entrepreneur.
Do we have time for the second one on?
I think we might.
How are we doing on time trouble? Oh?
Perfect, you read this? I read a second number two.
Hey, Kadeen and Deval. I'm going to start off like the rest of your listening letters.
I love y'all down, thank you so much, and DVO, I know you hate this, but you're a couple. I do hate it, but I appreciate y'all, and I do hear what y'all are saying as far as a couple goals. Y'all are not saying that we are a couple goals, but the way that we communicate with each other and we work together is a goal that they aspire for their selves.
So I'll receive that.
Sorry, we'll start leaning into that.
I'll stop saying that I hate it because I understand you guys are making it very clear.
So we appreciate y'all.
I'm constantly trying to get my man to listen to your podcast with me, because anything y'all talk about is always a good conversation.
Starter.
But let me get to the point of my letter. I'm thirty eight, my man is thirty four. We've been together for seven years, and this is the longest rate relationship either of us have have been in. I had a son prize to our relationship, but he's been in his life since he was five. He just turned thirteen. We have two boys together, four and two, so three boys I look up to y'all, but I cannot go
for the fourth. So when we first started dating, I really didn't have a goal of marriage because I had been in some shitty relationships and just kind of adopted the mentality that it would be easier to walk away
from a relationship than a marriage. But close to our second year of dating, I started to change my thought process because I knew this was my person I like, like I said previously, this is the longest relationship either of us have been in been in, and marriage was never something he aspired to have because he never seen a successful marriage. You know, it's funny. I talked about this on another podcast earlier. People were saying, like, you know,
there's some comments. Was just like, you know, I watched the violence coadean stuff, but it just seems fake. And I said to the young lady that was interviewing me, I said, you have to understand where someone's coming from. Imagine growing up your whole entire life and you've never seen a healthy marriage or relationship, and it here comes somebody on a screen that says they're doing it this way.
Yeah, I wouldn't believe them neither. You know what I'm saying, Like, I haven't seen it.
Yes, So I understand why people like that too, because it's like that's probably coming from a place of like hurt too, you know, like I never really got to experience it, so it has to be fake.
Yeah, But the couple, but the past couple of years, he's made comments more than I have about marriage and calling me his future wife.
I liked, I love that, but he still has yet to propose.
I'm starting to get a little annoyed, and I'm not sure if I even want to want it anymore, because I'm starting to feel like he's just dangling in my face and that he's making the comments to keep up keep me content with the idea that it's going to happen soon.
Want to get married.
Fact, so that don't make no sense.
But Hey, listen, man, I never want to seem like I'm giving him an ultimatum, but I also don't appreciate him saying things like, oh, I almost told them your last name is blank, but it's not. It's not on your ID yet, or acting like he was about to propose on my most recent birthday as fucked up.
You know.
So I feel about the fake proposal, even the name chase thing. But do I ask him to stop saying things altogether if he's not going to do it? Do I just ignore him? What do you think I should do? I've told him I don't need the grand gesture and I don't need the most expensive ring. I barely want a wedding, So I'm not sure if he's waiting on the perfect moment I'm confused now, or if he's just being the procrastinator.
So do she want to get married or not? Because right now it seems like she wants to get married like she does.
Now.
Yeah, that's another story on another day about the procrastination. I know everyone's journey is different, but I'm getting annoyed because we built a life together and are still building so I don't understand the hold up.
I need some advice.
Okay, So first of all, you want to get married is the first thing.
Clearly she wants to get married, but she wants you want.
To get married, right And even though you have not or he has not seen any successful marriage, you guys aspire to be married. In terms of him going back and forth, I'm not sure what that is, if he's trying to catch you off guard or not. But one thing that vou did tell me, and I've learned from a lot of men in our lives and things you know, guys in passing, is that men always have a plan and they always know when they're going to.
Do it, not not knowing men no no, no, no no, no, don't.
Don't don't do that all is a very strong one who I've spoken to and included said that men, good goodness, good men who have good intentions, yes, a plan, who have a plan for your future as a collective, they essentially know how they're trying to roll things out, whether it's saving money for ring, saving money for a potential wedding, saving money for a life.
Yeah, you know, so there's.
A possibility there that that's what he's doing. Now. I think it's worth if anything, a conversation to say, hey, babe, like you've been teasing me a little bit, like what's going on here? Are you really wanting to get married? Are you really thinking seriously about this proposal? And a girl just sit tight.
Tight because you said you wouldn't want to get married before.
So maybe he's warming up to the marriage idea, or maybe this is his way of finding out, giving little jokes to see how you would react to it.
So let's let's remember we talked about understanding your partner in history, right she said she's never seen a healthy marriage. He's never seen a healthy marriage, So if he's considering getting married, he doesn't even know how to ask you.
Maybe the Joe is a way. I almost said your last name was Ellis. But you know it's not.
Just to see if you like what you might say, because if you.
Say that, then maybe he's like, yo, she do want to get married? Or you say it could be Yellis and you like, I ain't marrying you? That he know not to propose, you know what I'm saying, Like, maybe he's trying to figure it out because she already said he doesn't know how to be exact in a relationship.
And they both don't.
And his intent maybe to gauge, you know, temperature check how you're feeling, but it's impacting you in the wrong way.
That's way because now.
Like now, I'm frustrated and I don't know what he's doing because he's not he's not being straightforward with me. But a serious conversation.
Crazy is she.
Went from not wanting to ever get married right to him making a joke to her now wanting to marry somebody else. How you went from not wanting to be married, so now he made a joke and now you're just ready to marry now, she said, I didn't want to give him an ultimatum, but he needs to hurry up.
What what like the ultimatum? I gave the vow, which he says an ultimatum, and it wasn't an ultimatum, but he took it as such.
Shit or get off the pot is like literally an ultimatum.
But I did not say that. Okay, I told you I was moving back to New York so that way I can pursue my career, and.
Because you wasn't my wife, you would have to move on. If that's an ultimatum, No.
It was telling you to get. You decide what gets the impactful and intentional simultaneously, sir, So let me ask question. At least you knew what she wanted to do after that, Because here we are, let.
Me ask a serious question, all right.
If a young lady asked Jackson, Jackson, Look, they've been dating for a while, and Jackson is playing some things and he's trying to get some things in order, and she says, look, Jackson, I'm leaving. I'm moving back to my hometown to figure it out because you take it too long. Would you take that as an ultimatum or say I didn't say you.
Were taking too long.
Then you literally said to me, I'm not going to be your living girlfriend.
You have to make a decision or I'm moving on.
No, I didn't say I was moving on in life. I said I was moving back to New York my career. You could have came and find me in New York if you wanted to.
So what you're saying it was you was you also you still wanted to be in a relationship. You just wanted to be in a relationship long distance because I hadn't proposed yet.
No, I wanted to know what you were serious about doing, and in the meantime, while you were figuring it out, I wasn't gonna be stagnant in Detroit. I was gonna go to New York to pursue my career. Get out my camera, Get out my camera.
Came you don't want to take no accountability for this ultimatum. She gave me.
Ultimatum. You can call it an ultimatum. It was me moving forward with the plans I had for my career because I felt like I had invested enough time in Detroit not doing anything.
So you saying to me you didn't want to be my living girlfriend and you was moving on doesn't make that appear like an ultimatum.
You gotta say the whole thing. I was moving, not moving on from you. I was moving back to New York to pursue my career. And you could have came and got me in New York, and you could have moved back to New York once you were done with the football and stuff, and then we could have continued our relationship.
Then, no matter how you spun it, it was I'm leaving because of my own personal reasons, and you either get with the program or you come with me.
Was that not what it was?
Yes, it was.
Does that not sound like an ultimatum? People? Can we not do this?
Like? Like, can we not do back away from my camera? Thank you? I pretty much knew that I needed to move on with my career because I was sitting in Detroit with you, being of service to you when I was not even your wife. Yet I had put in some years.
Okay, you'd only want to put in years. I didn't put in no years.
Yeah, but you were also pursuing your career, so why can I pursue mine?
But I was also acting as your husband.
I was paying all of your bills, I was paying for your car, I was buying your clothes.
Absolutely I was.
I was doing all the things that a husband was doing, right, But you just said you put in years like you was doing stuff a wife was and I wasn't.
No, at that time, I was getting pressure from my parents. What's going on with your career? What's going on with your reason?
The reason why you gave me an ultimatum? Don't say it wasn't ultimatum, but it was. Look, Deval, I'm leaving you either proposed or you come back to New York with me, because I'm not gonna be your.
Could have came to New York and propose the New York like you did.
You're right, you're right, But either way, that's an ultimatum. When you tell someone I'm leaving or do this, that is an ultimatum.
Now.
I know women have, you know, trouble, like with things like accountability. I get that, but come on, like, we got people who'll be watching us that you gotta be honest. Bro, you can't tell that woman like you literally said to at the end of the thing, sit tight, hold your horses.
You told her that I was sitting tight.
It's what I would have been, sitting tight in New York pursuing my career.
All right, all right, you know what this is this Watch growth, Watch growth, watch growthod you got it, babe.
See my intent to let you know I was going back to New York.
Didn't.
I didn't think it was impacting you as an ultimatum. I was just letting you know what my plan was for my career.
The impact is definitely an ultimatum.
It was an ultimatum, pack all right, it was, and it was because it impacted me in a way where I was like, shit, I'm about to lose her.
I ain't trying to lose this, so let me get on my horse.
So I proposed, I personally don't think all ultimatums are bad. I don't, but I do think if you're giving someone ultimate an ultimatum without providing them with a way to you know what I'm saying, like, I think that that's bad. I will still staying ten toes down with the fact that you gave me an ultimatum.
You're not gonna talk me off of that. That's the hell I'm willing to die on.
That's fine, but my heels, I.
Will say, you were never wishy washy. The problem with me with ultimatums is that people be wishy washy. For example, I don't really want to get married. I don't know about relationships. I haven't seen healthy relationships. D He better hurry up because I'm getting tired. You know what I'm saying. It's like you can't give someone an ultimatum or say you don't. You were very clear, you said, Nigga, I want to be married. I don't want to be your living We knew that was.
Always that was always my trajectory.
When it came to you it's still an ultimatum.
All right, y'all. I don't like that ultimatum, y'all. I gave the an ultimatum. I can't even say with a straight face because it's not accurate anyway.
We're gonna take you. We're gonna ask this at the end of the at the end of the episode, sure will.
I want you to come here and tune in and they can give.
Us let's go when we come. We come out of this after show. We're talking about ultimates ultimat after show.
If you want to be featured as a future listening letter, be sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com.
That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail.
All Right, moment of true time Today, we're talking impact versus intent, particularly when it comes to familial relationships and going into the holidays and what that's going to look like for everyone. Because I know that there's people who experience a lot of anxiety around this time of year for a number of reasons when it comes to family, but particularly having to gather together. So what's your moment true Because you have some of you right, you were feeling it in that already papers.
If you're on your way driving to work, don't write this down, just listen to it.
You listen back, all right.
The thin line that exists between creating a boundary or extending a grace exists with intent. That's how you decide whether you're going to give grace or create a boundary.
That's a bar in, a thin line between boundary and grace.
Is intent is intense. If you can, if you can use discernments to decipher whether that person was being truthful and genuine about their feelings and how they were going to deal with you, extend grace. If that person was being manipulative and malicious and was trying to hurt you, create a boundary. It's all about the intent as long as you can use discernment to figure it out. Create grace or give grace. I mean, create a boundary or give grace. Here's the crazy part. If you can't discern
create a boundary, think about it. If you sit down with this person, you're like, I don't know if this person is being intention on something, I'll create a boundary.
If I don't know, boundary create.
You know what's funny? That kind of made me think of what I was going to say, and for me, my moment of truth was like, at some point in life, you reach the point where you realize that the family that you exist in is sometimes that nuclear family that you created, and sometimes it's okay to protect your peace and not have to cater to and run behind everybody in what they facts.
Facts.
That's true, because like that's true what you said, and the point of this episode. Of course, we're always going to err on the side of being the bigger person, or at least trying to be the person the foster that communication between relationships, whether it's you know, romantic relationships or family relationships. But sometimes you reach a point where you realize, like some relationships ran its course, and that's okay, you know what I'm saying with family members, even because
as you get older. One thing that I've realized as I got older, just because someone is an actual family member meaning aunt, cousin, you know, grandparent, it doesn't negate the fact that maybe y'all don't see the eye to eye. Maybe that's just not a person that you would even converse with or hang with on a regular basis because you just have a difference of opinions you don't stand for the same things, and realizing that that's okay, yeah.
No one's entitled to your time, that's okay yeah, or your space or your energy, right, and you're not. You know, you're not entitled to anyone else's so you got to recognize that too. You may be on the receiving end of that from someone and have to say, you know what, you.
May exactly just go out gracefully, don't give no ultimatums and nothing. Just say hey, you got it.
You can give me ultimatum, I'm gonna remove me, or you can give an ultimatum and call it something very different.
People tend to do that at times too, all right, just so you know.
Shut us a valve anyway. Be sure y'all to find us on Patreon to see exclusive Deadass podcast video content, as well as Ella's family content and behind the scenes. You can also find us on social media at dead Ass the podcast, I'm Kadena, I Am.
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