No Bullies in Our House

We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ads is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take pillow Talk to a whole new level.

Dead as starts right now. So this story takes me back to my coaching days, being in Brooklyn, coaching a lot of kids from Flatbush, East, New York, Brownsville, Carnarci.

And there was a young man who, of course I'm not gonna say his name because a lot of his conversations we're having in confidential, but he grew up in a home and it was just him and his mom, And I remember his mom brought him to me when he was about ten years old and said, you know, um, coach a val you know he has an issue where he's soft. He's just soft. Like I put him in football because I need him to get tough. And you know, everyone says that you can help him play football better,

so I'll bring him to you. So for about two years I was working with him in in prototype and he was he was working his tail off, but he just didn't seem that interested. And then first day in middle school, he comes in and his mom is just screaming. They bring him into, his mom is just screaming like, you gotta stand up for yourself. You act like a fucking punk. If you have like a punk, that's why I think it's going there. She was just screaming at him and he was just sitting there and he was

just taking it. Then I was just like, mom, can you just step out for a second, And she stepped out for a second. So I said to him, I was like, hey, what's like, what's going on? What's what's the matter, And he was just like it just doesn't stop, like it just never stops. It's like if I'm not getting it from my mom. When I go to my dad's side of the family, they all called me soft. Then when I go to school, they all called me soft.

And it's like it's just everywhere I go, everybody's calling me so off and I don't know what they expect for me to do, right, So I said, well, you know you you play football, and he's that's nothing. I don't even want to play football, mm hmm. So I was like, all right, um, step outside, let me talk to your mom. So I ended up speaking to his mom and I said, mom, let me ask you a question. How often do you tell him that he's soft or that he's a punk, or that he's a pussy or

any of these things? And she's like, coach a vow every day. I just don't want my son to get bullied, and I'm just trying to get him the toughen up. And I said, do you realize that the first bullies are often at home? And she's like, what you mean? I said, imagine being eight, nine and ten and every day you wake up your mom is telling you you saw don't get bullied. Right, Like, what kind of empowerment is that for a young man? Have you ever even given him the tools to fight back? Is he in

any martial arts? Has anyone ever taught him out of fight? Does his dad take him to boxing? Right? All of these answers were no no one invested the time, but they were all call on telling him not to be soft, not to be a punk. So I said, just do me a favor. He said, he don't like football, Take him out of football. Let him come here and train, right. Let him just be around me and my brother and a lot of the other kids. Because in Prototype, we

created a safe space. There was no bullying in Prototype, but we created a safe space for the young men to be young. Ben. They used to slap box and play fight and wrestle and do all of that stuff, and there was a place for them to just, you know, be around each other and you know, be young men. It does, you know, without feeling like someone is going to overpower him or take advantage. So for two years

he was there. When he got into eighth grade, his mom came back to me and said, Coach Valen, want to thank you. And I was just like why. She was just like ever since he started to come to Prototype, he just had more confidence, and the more confidence he had, people in school like started to leave him alone. And when he ended up going into ninth grade, he said to his mom, he thinks he just wants to play football again because he enjoys the camaraderie that he had

in Prototype. Went took high school to play football and ended up earning a Division three scholarship to play football. The same kid that they said was tough, I mean it was not tough, that said he was soft, said he was a punk, and he ended are earning the Division three scholarship. And he's even getting me choked up now because I look at this young man and I'm like, imagine he had no reprieve or no one to show him how to defend himself, but the people around him

kept calling himself in a punk. Right, then you're creating a cycle, and it's almost like you're creating a prophecy where he is going to feel he's soft. And that's how people in these days, they just take their life because they're get no reprieve from school or home. And it's hard for these young people, especially dealing with social media,

to have everybody around them call them names. And I want to employ parents now, if you really want to help your kids get through this bully thing, empower them. Don't call them names. N If you buck, why not? If you buck? If you buck, why not? If you buck? If you book, if you book, if you ready to fight? Enough? Yeah, I'm gonna tell you why. I dedicate that to my family. No, seriously. I remember when I was in third grade, third grade girl that used to like me or whatever she was,

she was saying something to me. We would haven't you know, just in class. I'm third grade, right, and she ended up slapping me in my face. I didn't do anything because she was a girl, right. And this is what mother said. My mother, because I used to have a smart mouth. Everybody knows that. So we were shooting a dozen. Used to I stopped. I stopped. Since college. We'm in college. I changed. I changed a lot since college. That's a different story. But we were shooting the dozens, right, and

we was talking about each other. She was talking about me, so I started talking about her braids. She ain't like that, but it's just dusty. But I didn't started she started talking about me. She talked talking about me because I had the Tommy Hill figure shirt and this is when I was going to school PS two away in Flatbush, and it was a college shirt, and nobody was really

college shirts at that time. But I like to wear a college shirts because I remember watching New York Undercover and Malik Yoba used to wear college shirts use j T. You know, he was the j C, a cool detective. So she was just calling me a geek because I hadn't buttons on my shirt and I didn't have just like a regular T shirt. So I started talking about her braids. So she slapped me right and my mother said.

My mother said, let me sl you something to you. Nobody, and I mean nobody's outside of an ask women, okay, somebody put their hands on you, you let the teacher know what happened, and that the next time somebody put their hands on you, you're gonna put your hands on them back right now. Of course, this changes men and women as you start to go through puberty and boys become a lot bigger than girls. But at the time that the moral of the story was never let anybody

put their hands on you. And I remember my mom saying this, if you let her or anybody put their hands on you. Other people are gonna think it's okay to put their hands on you, and now you're sending a message to other people. Then my father, right the one year was just like I'm putting you in karate,

took me to modern combat systems. I studied jiu jitsu and taekwondo for five years, and my brother and I used to fight competitively around the country, just like your brother, like Tristan, because your mom literally did the same thing with him. And I got in my fair share of fights when I was in junior high school, not that much in high school. My brother got into a lot more fights than I did because he was just a

fight to your kid. But I remember feeling empowered by my parents because they gave me the tools to defend myself, and they gave me the okay to walk around knowing that if somebody messed with me, I can I can use my defense, my defense that I was taught and if anything went wrong, and and it was just like we're calling me, your parents to be like, call my parents, and I knew that my parents we're gonna back me up.

Having that confidence walking through the streets made things easier for me, you know what I'm saying, Because bullies, they they test people and they looked for responses. And I've learned that when you walk around the world as if you're not prepared for what's going to happen, more than likely you're going to attract the bully because bullies are smart in a sense exactly. And when you give those messages, those signals, and I'm the type to be bullied, that's

how you get bullied. You know. It's funny. I wonder where this like the idea not the idea, but okay, you noticed that this term soft, right, particularly with people in their sons. Before you get started, you got to pay some bills. Yeah, that's not bad. That's on me. That's not even on you. That's on me. My bad. I bullied you into the show. My bad not to pay no billis you better pay these bills will come back. We're gonna pay some bills, all right. So we're back

and we're talking bullying. After the VELL gave you all a long spiel after carry about. Yeah it's all good, bab you know, you know play its suck up. But anyway, um, it makes me think about like the term soft. Right, We tend to put this label soft on children, and

it's on boys, particularly when they are young. Like we all know that person that was like soft growing up, like that's always running behind their mom or like little things like that, and that in itself, I think it is just the incorrect rhetoric to just be spewing at a child off the bat, because what tends to happen the more you say something, the more you give affirmations to a person, whether they're negative or positive, because affirmations

are typically positive, but there can be negative affirmations. And if you tell somebody that there's something enough, the chances are they're going to believe it and they're going to

succumb to that. So it was interesting in the story that you told that the mom after you then kind of proposed the question to her like, so, have you ever done this or did you try to do that too, you know, assist your son in becoming a little tougher or being able to stay in firms, And and she said no, because and this is the truth, man, A lot of a lot of the kids that I trained during the time I said the kids I trained were from single parent homes, you know, single moms, and a

lot of these women don't understand what it's like to be a young boy because they weren't young boys, you know. But what they fear, and I noticed from a lot of these women is they weren't doing these things or speaking down to them because they were trying to suppress their children. They thought they were, you know, taking the place of the father not being there and being a man, you know what I'm saying. And I noticed that it

was all out of a place of love. But they just didn't know how to present the child with any opportunities to become better. What were the effective ways, right? They didn't know what the effective ways, and they didn't even realize that they were spewing that type of negativity.

You know what I'm saying, Stop saying, don't be so, if don't be so, if you acting so off right now, being soft right, and and there are ways to do that right like so, for example, my my dad was big on that when we were being emotional or we were acting out of character, he would point out, but he said, you know how you're acting right now in real time? He never said you know you are, He always pointed out, And I didn't realize until I became an adult and I realized that I was making some

of those same mistakes that there's power in words. So when you say to somebody you know you soft, they take that in as they're just soft in general. But when you say, you know you're acting extremely soft right now? Can we can we talk about why what is going on? Then those those words mean a lot different because like what if I'm saying if I'm if I'm acting soft right now, that means that my dad doesn't believe that I am soft? Why am I acting this way as

opposed to hearing you saft? And it's like, shoot, now my father thinks I'm soft. And I was guilty of doing the same things with Jackson like im when I first became a dad. I remember when Jackson was too. He was in the gym and he was walking around the gym, walking around the gym too and just being a kid, and he fell fell, hit his knee, boom right starts crying and I'm like, man, man, so off, what are you crying? You know, it was like a reflex,

like what you solve? What what is that? Though It's like the minute you see a boy child crying in softness, like before you even because because that stuff that you know a lot of the times like you, your brother, your dad. Like if one of the boys were to fall and they started crying, it's like an instantly get and I'm like, bro, you didn't even check the steef he's bleeding if he's you know, was broken. So you

can explain that. My my parents, my father, my mom didn't They didn't grow up in the best neighborhoods, right. They grew up in Brooklyn. My mom grew up in the projects. My dad grew up in Flatbush and Trivenue. But your biggest fear as a parent is someone picking on your child. That's like the biggest fear. When I became an older brother, all I ever thought about was I don't want my brother to ever be bullied, right, And the way you see bullies is like bullies are

gonna pick on the week. So if you're crying amongst a bunch of people you don't know, you're in the gym, and you fall and you can't control your emotions enough to pick yourself up and at least go somewhere else to cry, everyone else is going to consider you to be weak. And once they consider you to be weak. There's always the alpha or the person in that group that's going to pick on the week because that's what

kids do, and then you become the soft kid. So for me saying that to Jackson and it's completely wrong, it was completely wrong. But that was my first No one taught me how to be a dad, so my first thing was just to get up some crying, don't be So you know, I'm saying don't be soft, don't be soft, because I don't want anyone else to view my son is soft. The thing you want is a dad, is your child to walk around the world and feel

comfortable being himself. And what we do is create a wall up and say, don't cry in front of anybody, don't be solved, don't show no pain, don't show no weakness. This when no one else can see you as a victim.

Growing up in the nineties and taking a six bust to forty one bus and being in flat Bush, I knew every time I got on that bus, I had to get on that bust with my chest up in my head up, because if I looked down or I looked like I was weak, I was going to be a victim, and I was like, I kind of teach

my sons how not to be victims. But when you're trying to teach your sons, if you don't have the necessary tools and the proper language, you end up creating a victim because constantly being that person makes you a bully at home. And that was ultimately the point of the story was that most bullies are most victims are created at home first, right the same way most bullies are created at home. Most victims are created at home.

And what I want to implore to parents in this day and age is I watched the um you and I were watching together. The young man was thirteen years old, first week back in school and committed suicide because he said he felt like um, well, he didn't say, but his mom said he was being bullied. And she came out and she gave a a heartfelt speech and she was like, I'm asking parents to teach your kids to

be kind. And although I received her messtions and I understand where she was coming from a place of pain and hurt because he just lost her child, I felt like that was not the message. The message should have been, and I can't tell her how to feel but the message should have been like, we have to teach our

kids to be strong. You know what I'm saying, because I wonder what those conversations were like for her son at home before he went to school, you know, And I wonder how much did she even know that she could help her child not be a victim at home the same way I didn't know, you know what I'm saying, in another proactive approach versus being reactive, because you can't ask everybody else in the world teach your kids to be kind, It's impossible. But what you can do is

help teach your kid how not to be a victim. Right. It's funny my mom growing growing up, my mom always, whenever, for example, i'd want to go somewhere or do something thing or something that was going to be outside of like being at home or in a space where I felt like or she felt like she could protect me, her response to me in saying no was usually I'm

not worried about you, Cadine. I'm worried about the people out there, and as a kid and wanting to do whatever I wanted to do in that moment, I would just reply like Okay, well, hey, that's not real life, and that's not the real world. Like eventually I'm going to have to be out there in the real world, which is easier said than then now that I'm a parent, because in that moment, I'm just like, let me free, you know, and she's just like, it's not that easy.

So now having my own children, I feel the same way. Um. But in her telling me that she's not worried about the other people, she did do a really good job, her and my dad of making sure that they spoke positivity into me, making sure that I knew what I was allowed to do, not allowed to do. Instances where she was like, girl, if you did X y Z, you on your own, because I'm not dealing with that,

you know. And she said that. I think it turned to gear me in a sense, like she'd be like, listen, I ain't coming to jail to build you out, so it's not you when you do that. Um. But she ended up putting my brother, for example, in karate for the same reason she felt like he was soft. She recalled some encounter that he had with another young man and she was just like, no, I don't think defended himself in that moment. So she put him in taekwondo and was like, he's gonna learn how to fight and

defend himself and all that. But then in the same breath would be like, well, and if you know somebody hits, you don't hit back because you know you don't want to get get in trouble, and you don't want to get in trouble. And I used to be so confused by that because I'm like, Okay, you're trying to empower him, but then also to you're telling him not to fight back. If you were to get into a fight, he should

be able to defend himself in a fight. But I will say this, though your brother has never been in a fight. You know why because he knew he knew how to fight, so he walked around with a different confidence. When you walk around with a different confidence, bullies can tell and be like, no, that's not a guy that I want because most billies, bullies don't want to fight. The reason why the bullies they want to pick on people who will never fight back so they can continue

to bully. So if you look like a kid that will fight back, most bullies like, I'm turning the other way, which I understand. Where your mom was coming from, which is actually extremely smart. Also with you and your sister r y'all did pageants, pageants talk you guys were confidence. Not even young ladies get bullied. Young ladies get beat on, young ladies get jumped grow up growing up in Brooklyn, and there was there was no out, there was no off.

You're the pretty girl. You're not getting picked on. No, I haven't seen pretty girls get beat one jumped exactly. I haven't seen awkward looking girls get picked on and jumped onn't seen big girls get picked out, haven't seen skinny girls. No one is outside that bully aspect because it's all about confidence. Because even the quote unquote pretty girl, it's cool, somebody either gonna be hating on her or feel like, Okay, she's pretty, but pretty for no reason.

So it's like she's pretty much not confident. I'm gonna I'm gonna make this point to show people that she doesn't deserve whatever at tension she's getting. And that's what I'll say. Um, let's let's read a couple of these facts and staffs before we get into this. O. Okay, cool, let's do that. So these facts and stats are from Stop Bullying dot gov. So this is a government issue website.

UM in the CDC and Department of Educations. Federal Definition of bullying because that's important to see what exactly is in the scope of bullying includes three core elements. Okay, so number one is unwanted aggressive behavior, Number two observed or perceived power imbalance, and then three repetition or high likelihood of repetition of bullying behavior. Bullying affects all youth, including those who are bullied, those who bully others, and

those who witnessed the bullying. The effects of bullying can continue on into Adulthood's I want to talk about that too, because this is only about children being bullied, it's about adults. Because I also had clients member when I used to do married to the gym, I had a grown adult clients who said they started coming to training because they were being bullied. And I was like, like, I couldn't even fathom but adults being bullied. But I'll let you

finish this and I'll go into that story. But go ahead, okay, cool um. Kids who are bullied can experience negative physical, social, emotional, academic, and mental health issues. Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience the following mental health issues like depression and anxiety, health complaints, decreased academic achievement g p A and standardized test scores for example, and school participation, and they are more likely to miss, skip or drop out

of school. Kids who who bully others UM also engage in violent and other risky behaviors into adulthood. Very true. Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience alcohol and drug abuse as adults, get into fights, vandalized property, or drop out of school, engage in early sexual activity,

have criminal convictions and traffic sightings. As adults. You a bully mann, get mad, talking tickets, do not use your turn signal, and don't indicate problem like yeah, like you don't care about you don't hear about speed limits, none of that, um, And then they can be abusive towards the romantic partners, spouses and children as adults right Right, Kids who witnessed bullying are more likely to have increased use of tobacco, alcohol, and other drugs, They have increased

mental health problems, including depression and anxiety, and then MS or skipping school. Now, there's no stereotypical bullying, right, so we don't really know. This is like an umbrella term, but there's so many different layers to it. Youth who bully can be different socially, socio economically, and bullies can

be kids who are also bullied and vice versa. So that's when the bully starts the bullying because they all they see is bullying behavior at home if they get bullied a lot, some of those kids turned out to be the exact carbon copies of the bullies in their house, so then they take on whatever whatever happens to them. All those projections they then projected on people at school. Yeah, smaller than me to bully because I get bullied at home.

There you go about students who age range between twelve and eighteen experienced bullying nationwide, and students ages twelve to eighteen who reported being bullied said that they thought that those those who bullied them one had the ability to influence other students perception of them, which is crazy because it's like you think about the people who are not

witnessing the bullying, then it's like a pylon technique. What that tends to happen, um have more social influence, were physically stronger or larger and also had more money than them. The relationship between bully and suicide is complex. It's not accurate to present bullying as the cause or reason for suicide, and it's dangerous to suggest that suicide is a natural

response to bullying. Extremely extremely right. Um and research indicates that persistent bullying can lead to or worsen the feelings of isolation, rejection, exclusion, and despair, as well as depression and its siety, which then, of course contribute to suicidal behavior. And then the vast majority of young people who are bullied do not become suicidal. Most young people who die

by suicide have multiple, multiple risk factors yep. So bullying maybe something that puts them over the edge, but it may not be the sole reason. So let me, let me get to this story about a young lady who was trying out for not trying out for She was working out with me because she wanted to be She had just passed the physical let me the written test to be a what is it called school safety? Just

passed the written test to be school safety. And I knew her because she was a football mom and she was about twenties six years old, very very slim, girl, you know, very slim girl. Her son was also very very slim, meek. She was very meek person. But she was trying to do her best to you know, get into a place financially to be able to do better for her her son and her son. So she passed

the test for school safety. So she's going through all the workouts and going through those things, and then she starts to talk to me about like people in her friend group, right, and she was just like, yeah, you know, I'm gonna put some weight on you know what I'm saying, this bitch, just keep working with me. And then I was like like like she was like laughing a little bit,

and then there was busy working with you. But then she started to tell me like some of the stuff they're doing, and she started to like well up, and I was just like wait, hold on, this is this ain't this ain't funny? Like are you okay? And she's just like no, and she just broke down or just like I'm just tired of being the butt of everybody's jokes. I'm just tired of And I was just like are you sure these are your friends? Like are you sure? And she's just like yeah, But it's just like I

don't never know what to say back. I don't you know, I don't have anything to say back. For example, but she's the one in the friend gupool was struggling financially, needed to find a job. So it really resonated with me because I'm like, think, I feel like I'm speaking to someone like I was speaking to that junior high school kid, and this is a grown don't with a child. And it's funny, you read all of these things right,

UM may have more social influence. Um, maybe larger may make more money because she was small because all of her friends were quote unquote the cool people in the friend group, and because she was struggling financially, she felt like she couldn't defend herself in any facet and she allowed herself to be bullied. So I said that, I said, you know, you don't have to take people's ship just

because you're not working. You don't got to take people ship because they're bigger than you, Like you really just don't need the friends are. But I'm like, you don't, you don't have to take right and she just like I just you know, I just know that you know, if I if I get a little muth with. So I realized, like, so she was preparing to fight these outs. She she literally said she just would feel better for herself if she just felt better. So she came to

work out so that she could pass the test. Say she has a job, fear know better, feel stronger, And we worked for six months. Right, She ended up passing the test, and then um, she ended up not becoming a school safe. School safe that she passed the test, didn't want to do it anymore, ended up going back to school, right, and she wanted I think she wanted

to be a nurse's aid or something like that. But if you would have saw her change and how she walked around just in passing the tests, and she gained about fifteen pounds a muscle, you know, we wanted to lift more weights because it was more about her being physical. She never got into any altercations with these women, she never they still her friends. But what she said to me was she noticed that when she felt better about herself, she felt better in the friends group, and she didn't

allow certain things to happen, and it ultimately stopped. So it wasn't even about fighting. But then I realized it really had nothing to do with her friends, everything to do with her. When you feel better about yourself, you are less likely to get bullied. So then I started talking to her about her son. I said, did your son get bullied in school? And she was just like, no, my son don't get And I was like, why don't your son get bullied in school? She said, because I'll

never let my son be me. She empowered her son,

like she's like her son. She had a son, her son was a meek kid, but she never talked down to her son ever because she But I'm like, this is a person who was aware and was able to change the trajectory of her son's life because she was aware but didn't realize how she wasn't changing her own trajectory because a lot of times, as parents, we put everything into our children and don't realize that the things that we don't want to have happened to our children

are happening to us at work with our friends are neighbors, you know. And I want to empower anybody, not just kids, anybody who feels like they're dealing with a bully, because bullying doesn't always have to do with physical people. Think if you get punched, and then you can bully. Know if someone is constantly on your ass, like saying things to you and and just being negative about you, I want you at first before you say what's wrong with

that person? Ask yourself what's wrong with that someone feels like? Or why am I accepting this? It was other people? I mean sometimes do when you think about it, for example, what does building look like? Per se? Because that's also another question you can think about. For example, when I was a kid, people used to tease me in elementary school. Right, it would tease me because I was super hairy, Like I had hairy arms, hairy legs, I had a mustache

at like eight. You know what I'm saying. But that's just because genetically, you know, that's my makeup. You know, that's how my people, my Sri Lankan side, all right, it's covered through. Um. So when people were teasing me about that, I guess I did have the confidence to be like, oh whatever, it would roll off my back. It could have probably taken a turn where I was just I was already super conscious of it. So it was something that I knew eventually, like I have to

find a way to get rid of this hair. But it wasn't necessarily because I was being teased about it. It was because I know that I didn't feel as confident with it. So at what point do we decide what exactly is bullying and watch just kids being kids quote unquote teasing? You know, because I think it's it's it's hard to really decipher what bullying is and what is a kid's just being kids kind of thing, because you can't expect for all kids to just be kind

and just you know, never joke on somebody. So is it in that instance that you say, you know what, you empower your child to be able to kind of shoot the dozens with somebody and just you know, do the your mama jokes and things like that before it becomes an actual physical thing. Potentially, Yes, I feel like as adults, if you have children, right, you have a responsibility to equip your children with ways to defend themselves physically, mentally,

and emotionally. Right. My father put us in taekwondo, in jiu jitsu. We had to compete competitively for five years. I competed up until I started playing organized sports at fifteen. Right, that was the physical part. When it came to mentally, I told everyone the story about me getting picked on about not being black on the school, but us my dad gave me jokes to say in return, like it was never and my father and my mother both and my mother says all the time, sticks and stones may

break my bones, but names will never harm me. That was my mother things, let people be who they want to be. My father's like, yeah, they could be who they want to be, but always have something to say back, because you don't want people to feel like they can pile on. Right. And then emotionally it was my mother. My father made up this rap. Right, my name is de Val. I drive the girls well all the fly guy shouted to bike my style right, And this is when I was five years old. But I felt confident

because I was like, man, I'm a cool kid. You know, Like my parents empowered me to love myself. You know what I'm saying that they empowered me to love myself and appreciate who I was. They taught me how to defend myself on all fronts. So I walked through I walked through the world differently, and I also walked through the world knowing that there may be challenges, right, just because you have all this powered on me. You the

baddest motherfucker walking around. At some point someone may test you be prepared to handle that test and deal with whatever consequences come with that. But I always knew I had someone to have my back. So even when I got into my fights, I wasn't concerned about getting in trouble because I never start fights my parents. Man. As much as my parents talking to me about defending, they

talk to me about being an anti bully. Right. I was going to say that, because you think about it, If you empower someone so much to be so confident and to just walk around like they have this air of like nobody could sork with me kind of thing, what is preventing that person from them being the bully. It's your dad telling you you have a responsibility to protect the weak. That's what my father told me. He's like, you have a younger brother, and he he always said it,

you gotta protect your brother. Same way I tell Jackson, right, who you gotta protect? He said, Kyra Cash the code. I'm like, Cairo, who you gotta take cas d Coda? Cash? You gotta take da Coda? You know what I'm saying, Who's going to protect you Jackson. He's like your mommy, you know. I just taught him and when my father you have to protect the younger person in your family, right.

He also told me, when you're out there in the world, if there's a weaker person that needs protection and you can protect him, you have a responsibility to do that. And he and they just there were certain things that they told me, like you just you're not cool for going with all of the cool kids and picking on a younger, weaker person. That's there's nothing cool about that.

But that's also starts from home. And that's what the young lady whose son was the young lady whose son had passed away, that's what she was saying to the world was teach your kids to be kind, which I got. But there's also a part of that where it's like you have to teach your kids how to love themselves, and we as parents have to do a better job

of loving our kids without creating victims. Um. I all of that I think is spot on, and I was thinking of because one of the questions here is like, do you think any of your children have experienced or

witnessed bullying? And it brings me to a story with Jackson when he was in I think it was the first or second grade, and there was a student in the class who I think had an accident, you know, bathroom related accident, and the teacher at the time, they had a buddy system, so usually go to bathroom at least with a partner, and the teacher kind of whispered to the kid like, you know, is there somebody that you would want to go with you to, you know, help you out, And the kid said, I want Jackson

to go, and Jackson, you know, went with him to the bathroom to make sure that he was okay. And the little boy's mom reached out to me after she got and I guess my number from the teacher and was just like, you know, hey, I just wanted to thank you for raising such a empathetic child, because I asked my son, you know, in the midst of his little you know, accident, him feeling bad, him crying about it, um feeling embarrassed. She asked him, why did you pick

Jackson of all your other classmates? And he said to her because he just knew that Jackson was not going to make fun of him, and Jackson would be a helper and that made me feel good in that moment because I'm like, Wow, at least we know that the things that some things are I think innate with children, they just have that innate responsibility to want to care for others who may be in a weak moment. And

I think Jackson definitely has that trade. Um. But knowing too that we have always um poured into him and spewed to him the importance of being kind to other people. And you know, this kid wasn't the most popular kid, and I think he was a little awkward to you know. And they ended up becoming great friends after that UM for years, and we still keep in touch with his

mom to this day. But it is so important for us to just as parents, teach our children about not just emotional awareness and how to control their emotions, but how to then be empathetic towards others who may be in a less fortunate situation. UM. And that's super important for us because you teach these things to your children and you can only hope and pray that it will be reciprocated, because I do believe that a lot of

this energy does become reciprocated after a while, you know. UM, So in the wake of him, you know, witnessing what would have been bullying for this kid. It was nice to see Jackson, you know, just be nice. It's funny how you said. Um. First of all, that story always warms my heart because I feel like we are doing

a great job with our boys, you know. Um. The last thing, you what's even worse than for me than hearing that your child is being bullied, is that your child is a bully for sure, you know, like absolutely to to hear, you know later on in life that you know, not lading on life, but you have someone come home and say, you know your son was doing X y Z blah blah blah. And I don't think

children know sometimes when they are being bullied. Oh no, when they are bullying, you know, especially in that middle school. Because I remember, Um, I got a Facebook message from a young lady. I'm not going to her name, but we went to junior high school together, and she said the value you know, I felt like I felt like you bullied me in junior high school. And I was just like, what do you mean, Like, like, what do

you like? What how could you feel l She's like, oh, just you know, you and another friend and another friend I used to just you know, say stuthing about me, and I was just like, young lady, I wants to her name. I said, it's funny you say that we all liked you. You know, a boy, No one explains to you as a young man, like what are these emotions? That are feelings that I'm having? But we all liked her, right, so we used to pick on her right like you know,

you just see how you call her names. You know what. It's the same thing probably with you and in elementary school, call you teen wolf because the boys like to you. They don't know how to you know this butterflies, somebody really like these hairy legs. No, seriously like you. You don't know, like a lot of these young young men or even young women. Because it was the same thing I used to when I was in junior high school. Girls used to make fun of my ears because I

had pink lips. And girls were different back in the day. They used to act like dudes. Especially girls will give you gills in the back of the neck, and it's like they noticed you can't hit them back, so they would do stuff to you and you'd be like, why does she why does she keep you know, now you realize like, oh, she probably had a crush on me. So as a boy, we don't realize we're doing the same thing to these girls and don't realize that they

may take it as bullying. Right, And when she gave me that message, and I was grown at this point, This is when Facebook, so this was I was a full adult and she sent me the message just like I felt like I was being bullied. I apologized and I said I'm sorry, like I never that was never my intent. But I do think that that's in part why more parents have to have these conversations with their

children to know what it looks like. You know, any repetitive behavior that a person doesn't respond well to can be considered bullying, whether it's just name calling or if it's physical. It doesn't have to get to physical to be bullying. But I will say this, though you're gonna say something, yeah, I was. You're you're telling that story made me think when you mentioned into adulthood, when do you draw the line between joking and just joking, just

a joke, and then it being bullying. Because you have a scenario with a former teammate who after years of y'all just like back and forth or you just getting on him. Because one thing with Devout if you engage in jokes, yeah, I'm not going to stop with him. He's not going to stop and be He's going to have a comeback every single time. So don't engage. I'm just saying everybody knows, don't engage in any kind of

doesn't shooting with this one because he's gonna win. Chances are he loves that kind of It's like improv class for him. Right. So there's a teammate of yours that you didn't realize until years later when you heard through other friends that this person no funk with you with me and Devot was so confused and bewildered, and I think Molly kind of hurt, like wow, like I was

really hurt. I know, I want to put you out there like that, but you were hurt because you felt like this was somebody that was a friend and he was just like, no, I don't funk with Divot like that, because if I don't know when to stop and what what made you in that moment just feel like damn, I might have gone too far or I didn't even know I was going too far, because I know that I can be a very um assertive person. I have a law personality. I understand that, and I have a

slick mouth. I get that, right, That's what I was saying. Remember when I said ship changed after college, it was because of this scenario. Um, people think bullying started in social media and two thousand's that's what people think, right, But they would stop the bullying campaigns when we were growing up. And I remember a lot of the TV shows that we used to watch all revolved around bullying, you know, Saved by the Bell. I think always it was bullies, right. I never want to be bullied. So

now I'll get to college. And I get to college on five nine at the time a hundred and forty eight pounds. The first thing I said was, ain't nobody in this locker room bullying me? I was a walk on. You know what I'm saying. Upper classmate at that time tend to bully freshman. So my thing is I always

had to protect my space and my piece. So I'm going to walk into this locker room and I'm going to find the person that everybody seems to revolve around and may be scared of and We're gonna go back and forth because I want them to know, like, I'm not gonna be the one. So and my way of doing that was with jokes, you know what I'm saying. So I'm never afraid to go back and forth with people. And I just wanted to I wanted to assert my

space in the locker room. That's what it was. Now, the locker room etiquette is very different than the real world. There are things that happened in the locker room that you can't take out in the real world and just be like, oh, that's just how people are, because the locker room is a different space. You know what I'm saying. It's it's almost like your your friend group. Right, you got a friend group. You can call them to other

bitch bitch, bitch, whate bitch bitch. But you go out in the real world somebody call you a bit, You'll be like, who are you talking? Right, there's a permission that you have permission in certain arenas that that's okay, there's certain things okay. So in this space I thought we were all safe and everybody was okay. You also find out that, um, it doesn't matter how big a person is, how much muscle they got, how much strong

they act. They can feel bullied as well and not saying anything, And in this case, that person felt like I was bullying them. Unbeknownst to me, they were still smiling with me and laughed with me and make can me feel like everything was cool. So I kept the jokes coming and we kept joking on each other. But in the whole time, that person didn't think it was cool. Right, Um, I'm gonna be honest, I don't think that that's bullying.

You can't let me feel like things are okay and then later on and say you don't sunk with me. I think that's corny. If you just said to me like, yo, you know, like why you're doing too much, I probably would have stopped in that moment. But I thought we were both enjoying it. So I don't think that's bullying.

But I do think someone with that type of personality like mine, and if I choose to continue to tell jokes on you when I know that it's not funny to you around and you're always the butt of the joke to everybody else, that's bullying got you. So there's an awareness that the person who is potentially bullying or like spewing the jobs and awareness you have to have. Had you been aware that I've been aware of feel good,

then you would have been like now right. And to be honest, my guard was down because I'm dealing with football players, So I'm like, I'm not expecting any other football players to be upset because with making jokes like,

that's just never what I was expecting. But just because you don't expect it doesn't mean and that's a whole another another podcast we wanna talk about get out of my feelings, Like you can't tell someone how to respond to what you say, and I learned in that case, and that's why I've kind of dialed back how I approach and how I go back and forth with people, because I've learned that people are not always honest about what affects them because, like what we talked about earlier,

you don't want to be seeing it soft, so you let things happen to you because you don't want to say anything publicly, so you just let it happen me while you're developing resentment towards the person that's doing it. So I've learned to just be like, you know what I don't want to have that problem. So when it comes to that back and forth, I just don't engage as much because I do go for the gust though. You know what I'm saying, Like, that's the way I was taught. You want to make a joke about me,

I'm gonna make a joke about your mother. You know what I'm saying. You want to make a joke about my mother, might a joke about your life, and then people like, damn, you got personal. I like, the purpose of a joke is to win, Like you know, that's the purpose, But people don't play that way. In the nineties in Brooklyn, that's we used to play baby with

the heightened sensitivity. You can't joke about nothing. Think about even some of the shows and movies that we watched scenes they were just like, damn, you can't even say that that's picking on a particular group of people. Or it's just like you know, you know what I talking to. Kids who have fights end up becoming best friends. Give you an example. Kendell Ali was my best friend since I think eleven, all the way through high school. This was my guy, Like he's my guy, you know how

Me and Kendell met when I was nine. I stayed home from I stayed home from Tennessee and um the summer, and I went to Glenwood Projects Community summer program, right And I was one of the only kids from Carnarcia that went to that program. Everybody else there was from Flatbush, so I was the odd man out, and and I didn't know anybody. So I'm walking into this arena with nobody, and we're at glen War Projects Community Center. Everybody in the is from the fifties, you know what I'm saying,

from the area of Flatbush, the forties. And here comes his kid from a hundred and first Street, and I was remember me and Kendell, it was always the you know who, who runs the fastest, who jumps the highest, who's the best basketball players, the best football player? And it always came down from shoot, this kid from Cannazi pretty fast, and Kendell was known at that time as the fastest kid in the program. So every they kind

of pinned us against each other. It was fast de vali Can Dell de val can Dell blah blah blah. Plus there was a couple of girls that he liked that I liked, and you know, it was like one of those things. So I'm going to get water from the waterfowling and he had his group of friends. I was by myself and it was him and his group of friends and I'm waiting in line for the water and I'm watching them and they're laughing into whatever, and I'm just like they're gonna try something this or whatever

whatever they try, so it's about to be on. It was only me and my little brother Brian. Brian was seven every time, so I got to get some o my brother, don't play no good. I go to get some water and drinking the water and I feel in hand push my head in the water and then the water went up my nose. So I look back and it's Kendell right, so I go, yo, chill right, he goes. So I go to get some more water, right, and he pushes my head in the water. So you know

what I do. I take all the water in my mouth, fill it up like a chipmunk in my cheeks, turnaround and spit all that water in his face. What do you think happen? After that? We start fighting. We're throwing punches, we slamming each other on the ground, we get broken up, and you know what happened after that, we became best friends. This is and and this is the truth. Though kids don't fight no more, right, kids don't fight no more like um, the times have changed. Kids often just resorting

the violence too quickly. But you know what happens when those things to happen in nine years old? You fight, You fight, You realize I'm not afraid of you, You're not afraid of me. We have a lot more in common than we have again see each other. We might as well be territorial thing like I feel like people trying to be territorial with like someone coming into the new neighborhood or freshman coming into it, and then the

seniors and juniors are like the new. It's almost like an initiation process that has to happen, right, and it's just see worthy of being a part of And he walked in our crew. And to be honest, it kind of was that because me and I grew up on fifty third Street in the Avenue D and then we moved to the hundreds. At the time there was only white people in Canarsi. We were the third black family in Canarsi. So when They looked at me and it's like, oh, where you live And I'm not gonna live in Canarsi.

It wasn't the flossy as it was now. This was so like you live in canars you live with the white people like you saw. So it was like they were going to test me to see but little then they knew I grew up in Flatbush my whole life. So I was with whatever. And that's and that And I think sometimes you're gonna get tested in life, and how you respond to the test is going to determine how the trajectory of your life goes. And I want to empower not only parents with their kids, but parents

with themselves. Right, learn how to speak power into your spouse, into the your significant other, because you don't know what your significant other, your spouse goes through when they're at work. You don't know if they're being bullied at work. You don't know if they're you know if their boss is overstepping boundaries. So when you can empower your spouse or your significant other to feel confident and breathe confidence into them when they walk out into the world, you're helping

them not be a victim. And that's the most important part is like, what are we doing to help the people we love? Rather than pointing the finger that everyone else in society and saying, y'all need to teach y'all people. What are we doing right? Gentlemen, what are you doing to speak power into your women and your wife so

they can go out in the world and feel confident? Ladies, what kind of power are you speaking into your men so when they go out in the world they don't feel like they're being bullied by everyone else, and then coming home and then once again being bullied because they ain't nothing like coming home after hard day's work and having your significant other or your mom, or your dad or your older brother say to you, you ain't ship, you ain't gonna be shipped, You ain't never gonna be shipped.

Now you're getting bullied at home, and now the victim victimizing of yourself starts in the very beginning of your day. So I just want to empower people to you know, when you look at the person across me that you love, take the time to just speak some words of power and make them feel confident. And also choose the time that's good because Conine will tell you to. Since she was in college, I've been teaching her techniques to defend herself.

You know, we've talked about self defense. Can you talk about boxing. I've talked about taking her to the range. We haven't gone to the gun range yet, but I'm taking her. But it's also a responsible thing to make sure that you give them the necessary tools to not be a victim. And it's like a worst case scenario. If you need to defend, then you can call on the things that you were taught, whether it's defense or

you knowekwondo or martial arts or whatever. So it's all about giving them the tools, but also giving them the emotional tools to feel okay with who they are. I love. That's how we can prevent bullying the best. All the other things will help, but that empowerment helps the most, and it starts at home. Awesome. All right, now, that's a good point. I think that we should take another quick break and then move into some listener letters. But let's get into these ads first. Okay, we'll be back.

All right, now, we're back with some listener letters. I'm gonna dive into the first one first. I just want to say, Katina, thank you are my kindred spirit. Oh seriously, My parents are from Jamaica, but I was born in Florida. My boyfriend is American and was born and raised in New York. I love listening to you both. Thank you sis. So you know Caribbean households do not discuss taboo topics, So I've learned so much from this podcast. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now, but

previously had a friends with benefits relationship. Due to the way the relationships started and both of us becoming more spiritual in the last year, I proposed celibacy. My boyfriend thought it was a good idea, but struggles a lot with it, and we have. We have caved a couple of times, but also remain adamant about trying again. We've talked about marriage and see it as see it in

the plans for us within the next two years. What do you both think Is it worth it to take a break from sex sex to strength in our relationship in other ways? Is that something you wish you all would have done or do you think that it just I'm sorry, or do you think that it would have made a difference. I really want him to be my husband and just want to set us up for success. I would love to know your thoughts. Why do you laugh? No,

I just I just okay what I was thinking. Okay, Actually she kind of proved right, Okay, right, I was thinking she proposed celibacy because she's just like, I want to get married, and if I say, I'm going to be selling. So you look at the last sentence, it says I really want him to be my husband, and I just want to set usself for success. I personally feel like it's like that's her pressure on him. Yes, I feel like it's like, even having sex all this time,

let's practice celibacy until we get married. And then it's like, I'm just that's just my thoughts. I could be wrong, but I just see that. But my thing when I first read this was like, since is it really that big of a deal to stop now, like y'all already started. It's different if you went into it with that mantra and you were like, listen, I'm saving myself for marriage,

blah blah blah. But it's like, you know, bringing the horse to the water in the heat of the desert and he gets to drink in and then you take him away and be like, no, you're just gonna stay here and just burn because then you tried, remember when we were engaged, When we were engaged, and then after we were engaged, you were just like, how about how about we practice sales until we get married right after the month before the month before that before you know,

I remember, but do you remember that you couldn't take you guys, listen to me, guys. I wanted to do it because I'm all about tests. I'm all about testing the wheel. So I was like, I'm about to do this. Right, we were still living in right and who was pulling on me? And nights just who was it? It was me? Yes, it was me. So my thing was it was twofold right after we got engaged and all that stuff. Of course we were clearly sexually active consistently forever before that. Um,

but there's two things for me. It was one kind of feeling like all right, like I want our wedding night to be a special, and I was like, okay, maybe if we like stopped for the month before then it would be like, who like this build up to this, you know, phenomenal night that we would have our wedding night, and then the second was I had gotten off of birth control that May, and I was like, man, I was just like, I don't really want to get pregnant, like now, oh, like okay, believe you had all of

these philosophical reasons and the only reason why you didn't want to do it because you ain't yeh. And I was just like nervous. I was just like, I really want to just get pregnant, like right after the wedding, not beforehand. So if I run the risk of that, then you know. So yeah, I thought you you were talking about our spirits. He was worried about your going. No,

it wasn't even just a spirious. I just wanted there to be an excitement that was something different because it was like, oh my god, now I'm finally having sex or making love to my husband that night. So it wasn't really like a huge like you know, I'm doing this for my soul. And my master was worried she wasn't gonna fit in that address if she got pregnant. That's what it was. A month before, a month before because very control because I was like, you know, we

knew that we wanted to have children right away. And then SO said so done honeymoon baby with Jackson. So but yeah, girl, I mean unless you felt like there was something specific that you guys had to work on, Like I understand the whole spirituality thing and you guys working on that. Um. But to me, as you know, as a jamaking, we say, what do is done. He did it already, you know. So Look, I can see

why it's difficult for homeboy. I do believe too, though, that not having sex in a relationship does allow some room for clarity for sure, you know, because you know if you're here for the right reasons or right so are you here just because we get to have sex? Are you here for other things? Do I offer anything more? So I do understand it, and if it works for y'all, the works for y'all. Like I don't ever say this,

don't this won't work, or that won't work. Because our whole marriage, people have been telling us of what we've been doing is not gonna work. So I'm never gonna say what's not gonna work. I'm just making sure that you are deliberate about why you're doing it and often communicating through the process, because most people just do stuff and don't have a reason or won't communicate with their

partner why they're doing it. Just make sure that y'all are constantly communicating and working together, and it could be fun, you know, like um, those those that month, those two weeks because being caved right, not knowing when I was going to have sex, not in seeing case, she was looking real good and I was, you know, flirting with her, feeling on, doing all the things that you do when

you first start dating someone. And it was refreshing to get back to not knowing if you're gonna crack the code, because that's what gentlemen, we wanted. We want to crack the code. We want to see if that pad lock on that pos, the padlock on that pols, then if I could cracked the cord and that pause. So it was fun. It was um, already cracked the cold on the parsley. I got four gifts from the parsley, so I would just keep taking the pause. Okay, period, that helps, alright.

Two number two, I've been with my partner now since two thousand and sixteen. We went on and off until September of two thousand nineteen, and then began or then we've been together. I made it very clear to my partner when we got together that my end goal was married and my plan was to still go to law school. Where now almost eight years and then in no proposal engagement. He doesn't even know what ring size I had I wear and or has attempts to ask me what kind

of ring style I like. He will tell you that this this is funny, right, this is what's funny to me. When I said the thing about pressure and everybody was coming at me, and all these women were saying like, we don't be pressure with y'all two back to back talk about what this? I WoT that. But when I said that there was pressure, Niggas was mad. He will tell you that his finances for him, he probably listened

to podcast and let me use this. However, I've been there through all of his financial struggles and even helped him out a few of his bonds before. I've been patiently waiting for him to pursue his dreams. Now he's living in and more financially stable as a content creator. Mind you, when we lived in our one betterroom apartment in he wanted a kid, I was not comfortable with having a kid in the one betterom apartment. Sounds like us.

We wasn't a one better apartment, but we didn't want to have as many kids we had in that apartment and no real financial plan. We survived the pandemic, bought our first condo, and three months later I got pregnant. I had her and still planned to start law school. I know, um, he knows. I wanted to have our union finalized prior to him, prior to me doing going to law school, so I don't have to worry about doing a name change and I can build my reputation

in the legal community with my new last name. That's what it is. The new lad his name because she won't be able to build a career without the new last name. Here cracking the code cold Bush, I am now to the point where I'm not even excited about the thought of us becoming one and feel that I am slowly mentally leaving the relationship due to all the false promises of him saying to me he's going to

be with me regardless of kid or no kid. He said he has a plan for the whole thing, but it's hard for me to believe at this point, considering I am always the one that brings up marriage. I refused to be thirty and a living girlfriend. As K would say, after eight years, I'm ready to get K. You also lied, it was not eight years. What do you mean it's not eight years? You keep telling people? Oh no, no no, no, but she said as K would say after eight years. Remember us said that we were

together for eight years before I proposed. Yeah, we started eighteen and none. I proposed to you in two thousand and eight. We got together two thousand too. How many years is Dona six six eight? Same ship? Oh no, it's not, it's not. It was a two year difference. It's a whole seven hundred and twelve days difference and the same thing a long time. Yo, Yo, it ain't a long time regardless some two years. The two years

difference doesn't matter, not much, all right. So next time you ask me for someone, make you wait two years and you're telling me you tell me that two years past difference? All right? I'm ready to give an ultimatum, pressure or just leave. At this point, am I being unreasonable? Please help well? Ship? Since you got only answer to answer her, so does you okay? Answer her? Because you

you're speaking. She's asking about this from a man who now she's thinking to give some sort of ultimatum to which is like I gave you because I've answered this question so many times. Answer Listen. They have a plan, right, His plan may not be moving fast enough for her, but clearly they have a plan. They have a baby. He bought a condo. They bought a condo together. He's like doing this, this is something I bought a house, right, I bought a house together for us. We both lived

in the house. But even with that, you still thought that we had to get married because it would be better for your timeline. There's nothing wrong with that. But what I'm saying is just because a man is not moving on your timeline doesn't mean that he doesn't have a plan. Like like, we don't know what his his financial plan looks like for when he feels he's going to be ready. For example, when you plan a wedding,

you have to have money to get a ring. There's none of this falls on the woman, which is what to me, I want to make clear, we have to buy a ring, we have to pay for and uh, it's not an engagement. What is it called the proposal party? Because at that joint next level now can't roll over in the bed and proposes somebody. But we have to play the proposal plan a proposal party. There's no longer time where it's like her parents are gonna pay for

the wedding. He also has to save money to pay help pay for the wedding, and then they have to exist as a couple after that. There's a lot. You don't just make a couple of thousand dollars and say I'm ready for all of that, Like there's a plan that is needed, and I don't think women are understanding that there is a plan like that. I have to have a certain amount of finances to be able to make that jump and then have a nest day to survive that jump once we get married, right, I mean,

since I wouldn't say jumps ships so soon too. Because what you want to ask yourself to which is something that you kind of proved in your piece here, has he been a man of his words? So far? Has he been somebody that has a plan is putting wheels in motions to be able to afford you guys the lifestyle to live more comfortably. So it seems like getting this condo, even during the pandemic and all that was

something of paramount importance to him. Um, maybe she felt like she compromised by getting pregnant because he wanted to have a child, house or not, and she went ahead and did that. So now she feels like, all right, well, we got the house, we have the baby, and now I'm ready to move on to what the next phase of life is. I know what that feels like because I felt the same way too. Did I ever really feel like you weren't serious about me, or that you

weren't serious about our relationship? That wasn't it. But again, I was succumbing to this you know, timeline of my life and where I should be at certain phases. And I've said before that you know now you realize that that timeline is not necessarily um, something that's true based on social you know, norm. I just want to put

this out there. I played in the National Football League for three years, made close to a million dollars right in those three years, to see sixty five and then four it was four fifty five, right even still when I bought that house, and were we prepared financially for the next step of our life even with all that money that I made, were we prepared? No? And I'm saying that because I'm like, here's a guy who's making in the top one percent of the country making that

type of money. I wasn't spending it frivously. I did buy some property to help with investments. We did buy a home for us to live in, and even still after the recession, because we're currently in a recession and had to go through the pandemic, which means there's still probably are some financial hardships. I still wasn't prepared for the type of wedding you want and to live the type of life we wanted after the wedding. And I say that because a lot of these women are saying, well,

he needs to figure this out. It's not easy. Stuff is expensive, getting a ring, planning, planning the proper proposal, having a wedding, and then having the finances to raise a family is no small order for somebody, Isn't it isn't I have to agree like this nowadays, And I mean, and this was our struggle years ago. Yeah, I'm the way things have evolved. It's like people look at you sideways when you have a corny quote unquote proposal, or if it's not a moment that can be shared on

social media. They get all that. Let's let's let's break down the numbers. Right, Let's break down the numbers because I've been helping my boys proposed for the last four years. Right now, if you want to get a decent sized ring for your girlfriend, right, it's about ten tho dollars per carrot considering just the solid solitary stone. Right, that's

if you want to get a nice joint. If you want to get a nice joint, it's just just like a single solitary stone, not not what they call it when they invisible an You can get an invisible set ring. And this is no shade on anybody. You can get an invisible set ring for hundred dollars. It could be big, it'll be shiny, it'll have a bunch of small diamonds over it. But the problem is a lot of women are saying, I want two carrots, I want three carrots.

You know what I'm saying. Even if you buy a one carrot solitaire diamond ring with a good setting, that's gonna cost you about dollars. The stone itself at one carrot is going to be t thousand plus. The diamonds around they're gonna coach additional five thousand four or one carriage, two carriage, looking at three carriage, you're looking at over thirty dollars. Right, I'm just saying, this is what men are going through right now. I have to get a venue.

I have to hire a videographer, I have to hire a photographer. I have to invite all of your friends and my friends and create this experience. Right, We've seen people get engaged in the last two years. Those things for us anywhere between between ten and twenty dollars for just the proposal. Right, That's that's money. Like, I just hear so many women saying, like, there's no financial plan. I want to get engaged, I want to get proposed.

It's like, yo, I don't think women understand how much goes into trying to create this perfect moment for you guys, and to constantly here it's like Tom's ticking and you're not doing it. That's hard for a lot of dudes, bro, because my boys were stressed. Bro. And I'm talking about good guys who wanted to get married, who had good

jobs but also had bills. And we're also thinking, like him, I can't spend fifty dollars on the ring and this right now, because then I won't have the money to plan the wedding, and then I'll be I'll be I'll be freaking engaged for four to five years. You don't saying to build it up, and then once I have the wedding, I'll be back in financial hardship after we get married. You understand what I'm saying. I just I just I really need I really, because we talked about this,

I really need people to understand. Number One, you don't need that much to get engaged, right, you don't need that much. But I understand after you're engaged and there's a talk of when's the wedding, and then the wedding plans get powered on, and you can see why so many men are just hate the entire process of I'm just being honest because also asked I have a question for you, right, what do women think about They just

sit back and wait to get proposed to. They're not saving no money to say I'm gonna put it on my own ring, right, Yeah, I mean I wouldn't. I definitely didn't put it in my own ran, and I'm sure people would be looking at people sideways when you say she's she's helping to buy her own. Also, we have people who got engaged in their significant others spend money on the engagements events. Right, did the woman bring anything to that or did they just show up? The

show up? So so we have to have an understanding. You're showing up with ultimatums and times saying this has to happen, and this man is supposed to make all of this beauty happen for you. What are you bringing when you come to the proposal right now? You're absolutely right, I can't even and I got four birds, So this is gonna be the conversation I have. That is absolutely effect,

That's absolutely a fact. I mean me now that I'm older, clearly, you know, at least ten years since you've proposed and we've planned a wedding and everything, my mindset has significantly changed. But I can see how girls in their twenties feel that way, especially when you have this like roadmap for your life that you're attempting to follow and attempting to fulfill. Um, it's difficult. It's difficult out here and couples, couples be

contending with a lot. Oh man, how appropriate was that the bullying episode in here we have to bullies trying to get married bullies and again to getting married, and and the thing is moment for the episode. I'm not trying to discredit the fact that the biological clock and timeline for women aren't completely different for man. I'm not trying to discredit that at all. That is a very well, it's true because once the women hits thirty, there now

becomes harder. But even so she becomes like a damaged good like guys you know, in their prime or women in their prime. People want to say that women in their thirties and men feeling like they don't want to deal with women in their thirst because they already come with baggage and they've already been jaded blah blah blah blah blah. So you don't want to then fall into that category just by default because homeboys over here quote

unquote dragging his feet or making a plan. But I wasn't I wasn't talking about I was talking about as far as like the biological clock is very really, when you got into your thirties, pregnancy became harder. Once you got into your mid thirties, pregnancy became harder, child birth became harder, and then the after pregnancy became harder. So it's very real, like we're not going to discredit the fact that women are dealing with a lot of different

clock which is why that type of pressure comes. But there has to be some empathy on both sides, Like you can't just tell a man like will we adam giving your ultimatum? Mom out you know what I'm saying, it's oh, stuff is expensive. When I was watching I was watching people go through planning, I was like, what are my boys gonna have to pay to get to

get engaged? If it's ten dollars per carrot? Now if they marry somebody who's like their mom, Because I'm you, you sitting on some rockets right now, you sitting on some rockets. And I was able to upgrade it every year. But if I would have brought the same ring that I bought the first time now, because you've upgraded my

ring twice. And that's a realistic thing too. I think some people, too off the bat, wanted to be this like you know, you know, this grand thing, but also too like we didn't start there, like this was like and I was playing ball, I was playing ball, and Cadeen's rock was carrot in a quarter, carrot in the quarter. Because I was it was beautiful, but it was also like I was not going to put myself on the financial hardship to live up to what all of my

counterparts at the time, you know, there were. I had roommates, number rooms. I had teammates who four or five carrot rings off the bat because use the first round pick. I couldn't compete with that. Nope, you know what I'm saying. So listen, don't be competing with people around you either. That's a sure fire way to be disappointed. All right, I hope we helped you out out today. Um, if you like to be featured as one of our listener letters, make sure you email us at dead as Advice at

gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. All right, we're talking bullying today and the moment of truth, I think for me is pretty simple. One thing that stands out in my mind is that whatever you speak into, whether it's your children, your spouse, partner, your coworker, your employee, whatever the case may be, speaking negativity into someone will

manifest them to feel negatively about themselves. And I think if more of us try to empower people and try to harp on their strengths, you know, and then aid them in their weaknesses, then we'd be a lot further along, and bullying would probably be happening at a lesser rate. Control which you can control in your household. I'm gonna speak from a man standpoint. Give the people around you the tools to not be victims. Let that be your wife,

significant other, baby, mother, kids, younger siblings. As the leader, the man of the house, you have a responsibility to make sure that they have the tools to defend themselves and not be victims, which means you speak power into them constantly, let them understood that they are backed up by someone at all times. But then you also teach

them to defend themselves mentally by giving them words. You know, have a strong command of the human of the English language or or Spanish or whatever language you speak, to be able to defend themselves verbally right, give them the tool to defend themselves physically. I taught case some judo, some jiu jitsu, some taekwondo. All my sons, all my sons, box, all my sons will be taking jiu jitsu as well when they become of age, because I don't I don't

play with that. Also, I will be taking my wife to the gun range so she can defend herself when she's out here in the streets, and my sons will be going to the gun range as well. I know the gun violence is a very important thing in this country, and I think it's important that we, as the black community, because I am a black dad who has a Black wife with black children, also understand that we have the

right to arm ourselves and know how to use guns responsibly. Okay, So I feel like you have to arm the people around you and defend the people and teach the people around you to defend themselves so they don't become victims. And that's how we can help with this bullying epidemic. All right, sounds good? Love that love that love that be short, and I'm gonna be y'all real quick into

following on some social media. If you don't already pull out your phone, go to Instagram or where we at and type in dead as the podcast, and of course Kadina I am and I am devouted, And if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review and subscribe fun Bullies. Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by The Noorrapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the podcasts and Never miss a Thing