More Than A Mommy

episodes before the news about COVID nineteen broke. We wanted to let you know that we're here for you and that we hope these episodes can bring you a little bit of joy and escape in these uncertain times. So listen. Whether you check the box of married, single, engaged, situation, ship, undecided, or none of the above, nothing beats quality time with your girlfriends did as Hey, I'm Cadine and we're the Ellis.

You may know us from posting funny videos with our boys and reading each other publicly as a form of therapy. I'm making most days. And one more important thing to mention, we're married, Yes, so we are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennium Mattie Couple. Dead ass is a term that we say every day. Where we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts on the truth, the whole truth,

and nothing but the truth. We're about to take pillows off to a whole new level. Dead ass starts now. All right, So I'm gonna take you back to my bridle shower, right my mom, bless her heart, We all love Mimi. Mimi was like, I want you to open my gift last, because so I was prepared, like tissue in hand. I'm like, this is about to be the most tear jerking gift. She probably has like letters that she wrote every day of my life for like the past twenty seven years. Like it had to be something

that was gonna have me like on the floor. So I opened this box, you know, and it was like delicately wrapped with tissue paper and it was a nightgown. And it wasn't even like some joint from like Victoria's Secrets or like Frederick's of Hollywood, like one of them jams. My girl got me a satin nightgown that I hit the floor. It had the lace and the beating and the pearl applicated on the shoulders and in the neckline,

nice little sweetheart joint, you know. And then it had the matching robe though with the shoulder pats like the hard ones that shot out. And my mother was wanting to me to wrap myself up with a bowl in this nightgown for DeVos so we can consummate our marriage. The night of the wedding, I was just like, Sis, that's not quite my speed. But I love you girl, I love you, Mimi, I love you momm So, guys, I've been working on my vocals for karaoke session and

I have something special for you, guys. Have been working really hard at this song, um, and I just reached the point in my life right now where as a mom, as a wife, as a businesswoman, as an actor. You know, I just want things to be right, you know what I mean. I need you to give it to me right or don't give it to me at all. And it goes a little something like this, Okay, Okay, he's got my number right. You can't. You can't only baby here rum either, you make the time or just forgive me.

I'm not I'm not trying to run your life. That's why, that's why I'm nobody's wife. Won't win. I want win, don't on it. You gotta be ready. I don't want it to the time, but when I get it, to be satisfied. So give it to me. Don't give it to me at all. And how about that? How about that? Yeah, I'm gonna let your hold that real quick, let that marinate, and then we'll be back with the meat of the show.

All right, y'all. So it's ladies night. It's my last hurrah before renewing my marriage vowels, you're my wedding vows and whatnot. And usually back in the day, bridle showers were away for women to kind of get together with their closest women their tribe and helped to kind of raise money or start her off with her family and

her new life. Um. Today, the tradition of women gathering in their you know, shared love space for this bride to prepare her for marriage is continued, but instead of you know, raising money for like a dowry or gifts, we get some shared advice as well. You share recipes, you do cute little games. Today I have some girls in the studio. You know, the guys can have their own little episode and do their own little thing. Um. But yeah, today I am talking to some special guests.

So I have a confession to make. The first one being uh, that wasn't really me during karaoke. Um. I aspire though, and in my next life I will be a singer. That's one thing that I discussed with the Good Lord, and I was like, next time around, I need to be able to sing if I don't do anything else. Okay, But I happen to have somebody in the studio today who's not only an amazing singer, but

she's a beautiful person. You know. I have a funny little story and I don't know if she remembers, but my very first time that I worked for the Hot Zone USA, I was doing a red carpet at an event at the forty forty Club in New York. And this was me fresh out of like retirement. And I say that because it was a hiatus more like that I had Jackson took some time off from work and was getting back into hosting again, and she was my

very first red carpet interview. That I did at the forty forty club, and I don't remember if it was like the opening of the club, because I feel like we're going to be dating ourselves if we say it was the opening of the club. It was a while back. But in the studio today we have Melanie Fiona you Hello, Hello, what's up? So what's going on? Going on? Yes, okay, don't put me in the studio with that whatnot, fellow West Indian because it's a whole rap. She is a

Grammy Award winning singer and songwriter and producer. But lately Melanie has been sharing another part of her life with us, and that's motherhood. And she has a YouTube channel, Motherhood and Music, where she gets very candid about her journey into motherhood. So thank you for joining me. Girl. Since I've moved out to here, to l A, I mean, she's been trying to get with me. I've been trying to get with her. And look, you know, the stars have a lined cam. Don't have no siblings running around

you all the three. Just let me borrow all the plate just drop camel perfect and you can have a whole self care day. What about that? By you know, I understand what it means to have a little bit of just having an hour. If you want to sit in your car drop him off, sitting in your car in my driveway, Meditate, meditate, take a nap, what you gotta do. And also in the studio with me today,

miss Cody Elaine Oliver. I absolutely love love Cody. So, Cody, you're gonna have to tell him a little bit about how you even found me, because I didn't find you. You found me. Indeed, how did you find me? Okay? So I had had my first child, Brooks Edward Oliver, and up late nursing. That's what we do when we have babies. And I'm on social media. I'm googling should my boob hurt? You know, all the normal things. But

I'm on social and I see this couple. Right. I see this mom going like climbing the stairs in her apartment and her man is like filming it and he's like, look at that, but get a girl. It was like, this is six weeks postpartum or whatever it was. I do a deep dive and see that this woman has a child the same age as mine, this baby, this new baby, and I'm like, she's doing all these workouts and stuff looking all cute. I hate it, but I

loved it. I thought you guys were hilarious and beautiful and you know, and of course your baby was what was he a couple of month? Like one who not maybe one month? Because that was Cairo that I had. Yeah, so he's on sept Yeah, so Brooks October October four. See,

there we go, like three weeks ago. I was all kind of jealous, but also like inspired, and so that is how I found And I was inspired when I started to see videos of Brooks at eighteen months, recognizing shapes like octagon, all sorts that I said, well, my MoMA had the table shifting. You were you were feeling some kind of way watching me, and I was looking at Cairo like negro. You got Brooks over here, so safe and whatnot. So we're even Cody, we're even okay.

But for those of you who don't know who Cody is, Cody is the mastermind behind the Black Love doc series on Own, which featured Devil and I a couple of years ago. And it's funny because Cody actually came over for that session and um, I got into a little like argument before she came in and I was like, well, fuck this interview. I'm not doing this ship no more.

Blah blah blah. And if I was like, what do you mean you're outside the door right now, it's like, well, you don't answer it, and I'm gonna finish my makeup because I thought, come to find out, I was either pregnant with Katz at the time, or like maybe we made up that night. Yes, that's my belief. That's my personal belief that that night, Belie the Blacken, you know what I mean. Essential definition. So you and Tommy, you're

like honorary godparents. Speaking of this honorary godparents situation, you just offered Melanie the opportunity to drop her children off child child, child, child, okay, at your house, but I got three. I'm just wondering. It's the same sort of I would love to drop my child off at your house to you know, I'm trying to drop mine. Let me tell you it's it's easy because think about when you have babies or whatever. You're pregnant. Everyone's like, oh

my god, when are your pregnant? Are you're pregnant? Right? I can't wait to see the baby. And then they kind of disappear. But when you can drop one child off, it's like no big deal. You drop off too, It's like okay. And after that it's like okay, you push it because you're trying to drop a whole last village. But the funny thing is, then you guys know this too. Is that like the more that they are, they kind of take care of each other. I don't know, because

we're just the one. I'm like, where is your friends? Where are your friends? Where are where are they? Because definitely things to do. So I find that whenever there's more multiples around, he's like, he doesn't here, doesn't have time for me. So no, it's work. Jackson's you know, almost nine, so he's very responsible and nurturing, you know. So they'll all fit in where they get in and there and we just leave. Correct You just want to be clear, You guys just leave boys. We all have boys. Yes,

it works. It works. So now that we got the intros out of the way, we're talking about little thing in commas of Melani. I don't even know that your birthday is July fourth, it is, it's July fourth. Then digging up you know some some facts and tips about you and whatnot. I realized that our actual anniversary your live fourth. I think I didn't know this, Yes, I think I didn't know this, But that's just because I love you guys. Yeah bad. And where's your family from? Originally?

All my family from Guyana, all your family from I love that. I love that. And um, Cody, of course you're an all boy mom, so we're hashtag boy mom. Um, we got three. You caught up really quickly having twins the last go around, which was crazy. I couldn't believe it. Um. And then you work with your husband as well, and I work with mine. That part. That part, y'all make it look easy and nice and beautiful. Sometimes just throw

the whole husband away. That's how I was like, you know what, this episode made sense to just have just the girls because I was like, Nero, I sit next to you all the time, like, let me get my girls in here and have a session. So he had this little guy session. I had my little girls session. So we're gonna see who did the best. How about that?

How about that? So each of us share our lives as mothers on social media various different you know, via different platforms and whatnot, and on our vlogs and interviews and stuff. That's just one part of our identity as women, right just being a mom. But we're also entrepreneurs, we are business women. Were doing so many different things. So I want to talk to you guys a little bit about being a wife and a career woman. Of course it's hard work, Um and Melanie. I want to be clear,

you're not married yet. No, so we have a wedding coming here on the road. This is almost like a double bridle shower. I love it. I'm taking notes because I never planned on having a bridle shower, so this is nice. Okay that Cody. Tell me how long have you been with Tommy and how long married? Start there. We've been married for five years February five years and

we've been together not much more than that. We actually met and got engaged after six months, yes, then we got married less than a year after that, and now five years, so it's almost seven total. Okay, did you have like a whole big wedding situation? We had a medium wedding we had five years ago. Medium is not now. We had if I'm not mistaken, seventy people in Costa Rica. We were surprised that that many people traveled there, but that's what we do. That's dope, beautiful. There you are, Okay,

was in bett over the all over. So yeah, going back to like being mom, career, woman, fiance, all that good stuff. Um, have you ever felt guilt trying to do it all? And how do you possibly try to do it all? Don't all talk it work? Because I have a thought or have I had? I had an epiphany, yes, because for sure, I'm always trying to do it all. First of all, I have a lot to do, so

it just feels like a right. I realized recently that I can do anything, like literally, I know that I can kill it at anything that I have to do that I don't know jack about. And that's part of being a business owner, right social media. If I gotta do it bout myself, I'm gonna do it. If it's planning an event, if it whatever it is, if it's editing a whole show, I'm gonna do it. But I

can't do it all at once. And that was my realization recently and figuring out how to how to delegate, how to you know, when to take the time to find the people necessary as opposed to just behind, I'll do it, you know, Actually, no, that's not prioritizing me. If I just say okay and then I put the other thing on my plate and then I do all the things poorly. So for sure I feel guilt all

the time trying to do and that's just work related. Yeah, um me, I definitely went through a series of guilt, especially for what I do as a recording artist, as a singer songwriter, being gone traveling, having to leave um. And then also you know, as a mom, you just kind of feel like you can't help it, Like you know, Dad's do a great job. You don't ever feel like anybody's gonna do better job than you, so, you know, leaving and also learning to just be like it's okay,

Like the kid is going to be okay. It may not be the way you do it, but it will get done. And so really just releasing control was a big thing I think for me, um. And then also just realizing that balance doesn't look like balance, is not all things in balance at the same time, and then also just saying no and asking for help, like asking for help. I found a nanny with the quickness y'all, like no, and you know, I grew up having a grandmother living with us. West Indian parents are like, no,

bring bring the child over. You know, it's like we don't have that luxury now that we're out here and all our families in Toronto, in Florida. So you know, it was finding the help, it was creating the village. It was it was finding the people that you could rely on and then setting boundaries for yourself. And then

also that came to with my career. There were just certain things that I was like, Nope, not doing that anymore because this part of my life is now a priority right now, So making the necessary adjustments because yeah, you're having to consider not only your fiance but then your child as well, and what's gonna overall. I guess

give everyone the most level of comfort. Absolutely. And it's interesting you said that balance is not always fifty fifty because you think of the balancing like the scale everything you should just be weighing out. And sometimes I just realized, like this imaginary scale that I have in my mind, like sometimes actually doesn't have to fall like it's gonna tip over, it's gonna fall off, but then it's okay. And I think that's something that I've had an issue

with especially with the move cross country. I can totally empathize with you, Melanie, because I have all my family back in New York. Actually was able to get my mom on board to come over, and you know my family is in Texas. Is out here with less weight, I have a whole thing. I've been thinking about you and your family a lot. What you think. Now. Granted this isn't to say that you don't have your challenges, but I realized that because of MEMI like you got.

This is why it looks so from the outside, looks so easy for you guys, because you know you have someone that you love and trust who's related to you, not just a nanny. Know, I have a nanny too, I love her, but it's not the same as my Mimi for sure. And you know having that family makes your I think, your marriage stronger. It allows you to have your own self care. It allows you, guys, to

succeed in ways professionally that a lot of us. And this again, I don't want to compare, but I've been looking at it like, what if I only had my mama and then we end up looking at my mom is like, well, see Mimi's over here. What are you doing over there? Can't you just come on over? I mean? And then my dad every day is like, wait, so I thought your mother was just coming to help you

move temporarily. It's like August and then he's kind of like, well, I guess I got to kind of come back and forth if I want to see my wife have a relationship, because yeah, it's just like literally uprooting. But you are absolutely right, Cody. The peace of mind that we need to just be able to be productive in our work

spaces that cannot function. I can't function less. I know my children are okay, and we literally have the luxury being able to pick up and just go and knowing that my mom will They'll be fed, they'll be loved, they'll be entertained, they'll be educated. I recently pulled Chira out of a Monta Story school and my mom is home school with him because literally I was just like the only thing he was catching up in there was a cold. Getting sick every life right now, every week

it's something else, it's something else. Then we get it, and then we get it, and then when we're out, God forbid, you know, our other half gets it. They're the biggest babies, you know what I mean, what everything just falls apart, So no, for sure. So the balancing act and all that is very important. But at the same time, you have to give ourselves grace. And I had Melissa fed Fredericks on the episode an episode a couple,

um was last season. I forget that Fredericks were on, but she talked about giving yourself grace and giving your partner grace, just being able to grow. And we spoke about it in the context of like allowing people to grow within the confines of a relationship, because a lot of times, you know, you don't want that same person to be the same person five years from now, ten years from now. There should be a continuous growth happening.

So how do we give grace to your partner but also now giving grace to ourselves as moms and wives and all of that. So I think that's super super important, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one. He's dealing with that at least dealing with that at now. UM, so let's talk about the relationship. You know, your significant others, Melani, your fiance, code to your husband. Um, what are some things that you did as a newlywed or Melanie early in your relationship that you still do now that I

still do. Well, we know you drop it right, I do, and you give him I got to keep these knees oiled up, aright, he's got to stay oiled up. Or is there anything that you don't do that you used to do earlier? And maybe you get some complaints about now from the Mr. I'll say this. My relationship is interesting because, as I said, we met and married. We met and got engaged in six months. We moved in. After three we started working together probably one year in.

We got married. Just after that, still working together, and we had our first child, I think a year and a half after we got married. Like everything we've done has been accelerated. I shouldn't tell you what I did at the beginning, because I don't even know where the beginning is almost like we're at a we're at a new beginning right now. And so one of his biggest complaints or one of you know, one of the things that kids bring is like bifurcated attention, and so he

really asks a lot for my attention. And so I've been thoughtful now about about date nights planned by me, initiated by me, like that kind of thing that probably in the beginning that was happening, but it wasn't as thoughtful, right, it was just like what we did. So I couldn't tell you the difference between seven years ago and now. Besides, there's now three tiny humans. Well I mean so so seen as there's not that much of a history, I should say where you think things changed rapidly, it did

change rapidly. In five years. You've added you know, one child and then a twin pregnancy and then twins, so that's a whole lot and the whole business. There really is like no level of normalcy I would say for you guys right now. Never Well, I mean I'm interested if I'll ever feel that like this is our normal, you know, maybe that's where we are starting to get right now because the twins are just over one, so like there's a routine that's coming in. But this is

the closest we've been to normal in seven years. What about you, Villain, anything different that you know, like you know for sure once we're married, this is not gonna happen still, or you know, things over the course of your dating that you're like you used to do x wy you don't. Um. You know what, I will say that what's changed I think in our relationship is that we've we've kind of become really like a unit, like really like a unit. Like now we're really best friends.

Like we always loved each other, but we had our individual lives and we did certain things and we still do that, but now it's become very UM united. So like it's like we do a lot of things together. Our social lives are very intertwined. Jared specifically being a guy, like he was just coming and going and do whatever he wanted to do, and I was like, here's what it is moving forward. You in here. Um. You know.

One of the things that one of the things that I think we we we definitely had to change which was different, was I'm a big communicator and he's kind of like an independent spirit, and so my level of UM security comes from, Hey, if you're out of town or if you're traveling, you gotta check in with me. You gotta do this. So once we had our son, that was a big thing that had to change. It was like, look, it's not just you and me, this

is not about your girl checking in on you. This is not about control, This is not about any of this. This is about being responsible for one another. And so we have, you know, being having a child before marriage, we had to make that commitment to each other already to be like all right, like it's not just about us, Like I'm not just checking on you to be like hey, where are you at? Like it's about how are you? How is our child? How are you doing? How are

you feeling? And so you know, these are the things that I think have caused us to level up, even though they were you know, happening in a in a in a less traditional order. But um, but you know it works for us, and the kind of thing that forces you together or forces you to apart when you

apply that pressure. Yeah, did you get any push back from Jarring at the point, like you know, when you're just like you're an have to check in a little bit or like in the beginning, Yeah, it was hard I think for him, said, to to make that adjustment, because also I think for women, like when we have children, it's an instant change for us. Our bodies change, our hormones, change our psychological every we view the world differently. Men they just be rolling till that baby gets here like

the after, and they still roll after. So I definitely think it had to be a mental shift for him to be like, oh, right, like things are different. I do have to act differently. I do have to change the way I do things. And it doesn't mean I'm compromising myself. It means I'm evolving. And I think that

that's kind of been our dynamic in general. He's forced me to calm down my crazy and I forced him to evolve on a spiritual and like just general like consideration level, right right, right, Which is funny because Devo and I think about it, October will make eighteen years together. Girl, Oh my gosh, eighteen years. Give me a round of a pause, Browns. So eighteen years and we started dating as babies, like we're eighteen. I'm thinking about eighteen year

old Cadine. I'm thinking about twenty one year old Cadine, twenty five year old. Here, I am thirty something years old, and I am seriously like, how do we get here? And you know, so many things, of course have changed for us. There's a lot of things that I did at the time and don't do anymore. One thing I know, for sure that. You know, we constantly struggle because we always talk about like sex and relationships on this show. Is like things that I used to like before. Positions

I used to like before. That's like now a red light for me, Like we talked about sex sometimes when it's like okay, so here's the red light, here's a yellow light, proceed with caution. There's a stop side that's a green light. So that's like a little funny thing for us that like things sexually I used to like before. I don't know if it's just like after having kids, your body changes. Of course, home only things are different.

But I'm just like, so, um, yeah, I used to like my legs there, but now they just don't quite go there. Yeah. Kind of working out. No, no, I'm not working out. No, I'm not a stretching you know. I was about to start Trap your Go and all sorts of stuff to start to see if I could get my life together and get some things back. You know, sometimes you want that old thing back. Um, But it's

that's just like a little funny thing for us. But naturally, over the course of eighteen years, I would hope that we wouldn't be the same person and that things were just you know, eventually growing stuff over time. Cardy, you said you make it a point to do date nights now. Is there something that you used to love? Is date night that you don't have anymore? Anything that you you're excited to do? Because for me, a date night now

is like kick back. So that's the thing. Our ideas of date nights are different to mine is like I just want to watch TV on the couch or want you to cook. And granted he's a great chef, like that's part of where I married him. He does the cooking in our house. But with three kids and a business, even for him, that's not like every day you know. So so our idea of date nights are different my What he needs from me is to initiate and plan right and for it not to just be like we're

going to dinner. So this year I actually have been making an effort. I made a list for myself. He will never her listened to this, by the way, because he just don't social you don't. I've made a list for myself of like twelve things, twelve interesting things that we can do. So once a month I could plan a date which a year ago, like that kind of thing gave me a panic attack. It's like, I can't think of anything that you want to do. But I had the smart idea to make the list in advance.

I love that, and so I put a date in our calendar already through the end of the year. That's our date night. Did you sink the calendars together? Because I had to, literally because I still don't look at the calendar. N Broka. So yes, So we've done. What have we done so far? We did an escape room fun and we did Oh my god, I can't even remember the things we've done. I just tell you the

things that I have a miniuture golf on our list. Okay, am I still climbing climbing which we actually did when we first started dating, and it was indoor and I was crying because it was scary. But hey, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm out. So yeah, out climbing. Oh, I know. We went to We went to a movie, which, like we don't do as much because we got kids, two or three hours in a movie, I'm still a huge sacrifice for me tonight. So we actually saw a marriage Story which is on Netflix. We saw it in a

theater which was really nice. So things like that, just trying to like take the time and consider what he wants to do in advance. Gotcha, Melanie. You mentioned friendship, like you guys were always best friends, but now you've like become a unit. Um, So how do you continue to foster that friendship now that you are about to get married? Um? Any changes that happened over the years. Therapy straight up together or together? But I mean I

got there. I've been seeing a therapist for years just because that's a part of my whole routine, my wellness routine. But yeah, we recently started going to marriage therapy or a couple of therapy, and that was something that was really important to me for us to do because I feel like as we approach this union officially, spiritually, um and legally, you know, I think it's really important to

put it all that on the table. And I think that along the way it's easy to carry things, you know, whether they build resentment or not, or whether they're your own things you're just like, oh, it's fine. I really think it's important to have that space and conversation and dialogue to be like, hey, these are all the things I love, These are all the things I'm a little uncomfortable with. These are the things I'm thinking about, what

does commitment look like to you in the future. And it's been really helpful because I'm a communicator and I go deep. I'm in the emotions at all times, whereas Jared is he's a feeler, but he's not as expressive as I am. And so it's been really good for us to be able to speak with someone there to kind of like guide us and hear each other from a different way, and to also learn things about each

other that we didn't really know. So that's really been building our friendship too, because you know, as difficult as it might get to approach some things in therapy, when we leave, we're hugging, we're kissing. It's like we did something good for each other today. You know, this is a sign. I'm gonna tell you this is a sign.

Because literally to Valini yesterday, like going through the motions with like something we've been arguing about for a while, and um I mentioned, I'm like, I think we should just go to therapy because we feel like we were great communicators in ourselves. Like I'm very communicative, he he is, He's always been kind of like you, and then I think I'm Jerry, Like I was feeling things out but

didn't really know how to express myself. But over the course of eighteen years, I've definitely opened up to the point where he's sometimes like, won't you shut the flat up?

Get a word in edgewise. But we had even said, like, there's certain things that fester within our relationship that we feel like at this point, since we're looking to renew for another ten years, he's kind of feeling like this is mirroring ten years ago where we were having these kind of battles that we just said, oh whatever, we'll get married and we'll figure it out later, Whereas right now we're like, maybe we should see therapy before this of our renewal to correct those things. For we do

this because of our renewal. Yes, it's gonna be great, it's gonna be fun. It's a family vacation, like we're planning something. But why go through all the bells and whistles if that core unit is not in sync? And I feel like more recently we've had moments where we haven't been And at first I was chalking it up too. Okay, he was filming he was away, I moved across country with the kids. We're still trying to figure out like where we are in our space in l A. We're

still trying to do all that amidst work. Um, but we've been off balance, and UM, I guess with my relationship, I feel like other things can fall off the scale, but I can't let that fall off the scale. So I feel like you talking and just saying bluntly, therapy. It's like a co sign because it's literally happened yesterday. I think everybody needs therapy in general, like period, like individually to get like I think everyone should be in

therapy the most sound. I consider myself a pretty well rounded sound person, but I still love my therapy sessions just because there's always work to be done. There is, and we learned that in our lives and general as human beings, in our professions, there's always work to be done. But what kind of work are you doing? And the work that betters you as a human being in this planet with your partner together is better ways and then for your children, and so that's something that I know

that that was really important. So yes, you have my vote support one thousand percent therapy doesn't mean that everything's sucked up and we're wrong and we're broken. It means that we're just always trying to be better, for sure.

And there's also blind spots, right, like everyone can be better, but there's also like even the most self aware of person, it is like, oh, I didn't even realize that that came off that way exactly right, Like, and you know, we have interviewed hundred and fifty plus complace like therapy is a is a reoccurring theme and it's necessary. We've been to therapy. I regret that we haven't done it

as consistently as we should. There's always like, oh, we couldn't do that day because this meeting, you know what I mean, Like we need to be more consistent about it. But like I agree completely with Melan, so allowing that to kind of take precedence, like being a priority priorities for everything. I mean. Jared is in the height right

now of you know, he's he's a music manager. He manages several clients as well as like producers, artist songwriters, and that's a very demanding schedule when you work for that many clients. So they all have different needs, but we have our times and I know there's mornings when I look at him and he's head head down in

his phone from the moment he wakes up. But he knows come that ten am eleven am slot that we have at that day, he knows, like he he won't even if he knows that he really would want to miss it, he doesn't. And it means so much to me. It means so much that he just won't even suggest like,

could I miss it today? Yeah, that's good, because I'm gonna ask you if it took a while to get him like on board with it or was he you know, I was really thankful because even if he was resistant to some of the things that I would say if I had complaints or if I had any concerns about our relationship. When I was like where, I was like, we should really go to therapy, and he was like okay, and I was like, thank you, you know, because half the battle is convincing somebody on the other side who

doesn't see the benefit. But I think and even when we're in there sometimes he's kind of like, I'm really just here for her, and I'm like, na, you know, So it's really important that you know that you can be on the same page going into it, and I find that even if you're not, just getting there allows everyone to kind of see, oh this this actually could

be really good for me for sure. I mean Deval and I have been married, like I said, almost ten years, and he actually started to see a therapist unbeknownst to me. Didn't tell me in secret, girl in secret, but had his sessions where he was like, oh, I'm going to the gym and it's just business as usual, He's going to work, and I guess he was finding that hour or two out the day and he was seeing a therapist.

And I totally took that as like a slap in the face at first, because I felt like you deceived me a you were telling me you were somewhere that you were in And secondly, well, what did I do that force you to have to go to therapy? You know? And I was like, I thought we had a handle on, like our emotions and were vocal and we speak about things and in real time, we don't allow things to fester. And then he had to explain to me that that therapy session that he was going to the succession of

them was for him had a secret. I guess he didn't want to alarm me. I guess the way I responded was kind of like, oh, well, now it's my fault and everything that we've been doing is my fault. And he was trying to hared me from that until he found the right space to be able to tell me. Um. And it was just in conversation one night that he was like, I need to tell you this because he's not good with keeping secrets are lying, he's just bad

at it. So um. So yeah, and at that point I said, okay, it was something you needed for you and then that that that took me off of the whole, like, oh what was me? Like, I'm the one that forced him there? Um. But then yeah, just recently I said, well, you know in our argument day, I was like, well, you thought therapy therapy helped you to figure sut some things out on your own and then you were able to apply that to your life. Do you think that

we should do that together? Because you mentioned pre cup pre married marriage therapy. My uncle married us UM ten years ago, which was a special moment because you know he's my uncle naturally, UM. He's an inventist seventy eventis pastor and whatnot, and he did mention that we should go to a couple of sessions with him pre wedding, but it was kind of weird. I guess it was just kind of an uncomfortable thing, so we kind of

dodged him on that. But in retrospect, I'm thinking that probably would have been a good movie even if it wasn't him. But just to speak to someone because now I kind of want to shift into the gears of Um, you know, what you would say to your pre married self,

or to your pre engage yourself or your pre mother self. Um, is there anything that you would have wish you knew prior to making the commitment or deciding to say yes, anything that you wish you knew beforehand, or just in being a committed relationship that you are saying now, Damn, I wish I knew. Wish we had gone to premarital counseling.

We talked about it, and we just and I am very much a therapy person, but I would say we we just genuinely had all these reasons and excuses not to you know, the things that we were doing in time commitments and blah blah blah. But I think it would have resolved a lot of that we talked about now, because he's very like, I told you who I was from day one, and I'm like, yeah, but nobody you

know you did? You know who you right? Right? And so just talking some of those things out in that stage of life would have been really valuable as because we had kids really fast, we had three of them really fast. So just having a greater connection beforehand. I wonder, Melanie,

if you can relate to this. Being from the West Indian background, they don't really I want to say, my family talk about stuff, talk about And it's interesting to say that you're an advocate for therapy because therapy, God forbid you talk about your business outside a watch of business. Don't bring up the D depression, don't bring up the don't bring up feelings, don't bring upout what uncle so

and so did. So. Yeah, it is uh, it's it's awful to think about it, the way they encourage you and almost force you to kind of stay quiet all the time. And um, seeing as therapy now, I think it's amazing because I feel like we're in this generation now that's breaking all of those generational cycles. Yes, for sure, and and trying to be healthy, more productive people for our children. So pre married could mean wasn't really getting the sound advice that I guess I was expecting to

hear from my elders, you know what I mean. And even if it wasn't my mother per se, because again she was just very like, Okay, everything keeps quiet and

you just deal with your problems internally. But there was really no one just like kind of saying, well, when you get married, you should expect X Y Z. And I think part of me necessarily wasn't looking for that, because I feel like sometimes people within their experiences tend to be jaded in their own right, and you know, you kind of take what you want from them and

you leave the rest and stuff. So did you ever have that or anyone going into with you being married now or approaching marriage saying like lutch out for this or don't do that, or any caution signs that they're throwing your way. One thing that my mom always used to say was come see me and come live with me at two different things. And so Jared and I lived separately until I was pregnant, and that actually happened not just by like choice, but also by circumstance. He

was working out of state. We were living in different states right before I got pregnan, we were doing long distance um when we were dating. When we were in New York, he still had his place, I still had mine, even though we were spending literally every day together, and so you know, when he made the decision to come and be with us, it was like, oh, okay, so now I understand. Now I'm pregnant. Now here you come. We're living together, and now we're forced to we're being

a family. Now we're being husband and wife living in under the same roof learning to live with one another. And yeah, it was definitely I heard my mother's come see me and come live at me are two different things. And so finding the you know, that routine was good. But I am very thankful that we had that separate time for ourselves while we were dating and still falling in love and in a committed relationship. Um. But yeah,

I mean just getting pregnant. So soon after we started living together, Oh the anxiety I had to go tell my family, I mean, just the ANSI and I'm a grown ass woman, I has a grown assid married woman, and I'm like, I'm going to tell my mother Elizabeth that I used the nightgown was successful, and it's like, oh,

make her feel good or bad? I don't know, but I can say I had the anxiety of some of the worst anxiety of going home and telling him, feeling like, oh, my gosh, I gotta tell my parents like we're not even engaged, like we're just in this realm of being seriously together, and here comes this baby. And I just remember going home and I brought these little shoes that I had and I put them on the counter and my mom just looked at me and she was just like, well,

if you're having a baby, have a baby. And I was so relieved because I was coming off of the judgment that I thought I was going to be not married. You guys just got together. What's happening. He's shifting careers, what about your career? All these things? And I was so grateful that my family, even if they did feel it,

they didn't share it. That's sweet. And so I will say that going into it, I wish, especially into motherhood, I wish that I hadn't held on to the anxiety and the fear of judgment from the beginning, because I feel like I would have been free or to enjoy that time without the anxiety and the worry. Yeah, yeah, girl, hug. But we haven't no more babies till we say I do, which is very soon. Yeah, having a baby shower real quick. Let me let you know, Cody, you've been doing the

Black Love Doc for how long now? Oh my gosh, since we've been shooting it since wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a minute. Yes, You've had some great, great couples on their celebrity non celebrity couples everyday people. Are there any recurring seems like problem wise that you see these married couples have had, whether they've been married a short amount of time or a long amount of time, or if they're old, if they're young. Well, I'll say this.

One of the things that I've observed is that when we started doing this, we were engaged, then we were pregnant,

then we were parents. We got married in there somewhere, um, then we were parents, then we were pregnant again, and then we were parents to three And so our um our relationship issues have like sort of mirrored the the the interviews because we are experiencing things and then we're asking questions about that, right, And so some of the themes that I've seen that that I have affected me

or at least stand out to me. You know, last year we talked a lot about vulnerability, especially in men, and how that can be a struggle to communicate between a man and a woman UM and what manhood means and what it looks like. UM. Communication issues in terms of you know where you're from and who your people are, you know what I mean, like culturally how you were raised UM. And therapy is another reoccurring theme. I mean, it's one of those things that pops up a lot

in in our conversations. So no matter tab along, right, no matter how long people have been married, it's not taboo, right. It's kind of the dirty secret right there. Get you some therapy or it's not gonna work. You know what. I realized that almost like, Okay, I guess we need to go see somebody now. No, for sure, do you guys feel a responsibility at all? Because we talked about vulnerability and stuff with our partners, do you feel any kind of UM responsibility to support and care for your

significant other's emotions? And I say that because you think about marrying somebody or being with somebody, and that responsibility to to have this happiness that you're supposed to make each other happy. And do you take that responsibility on yourself or do you kind of differ or how do you work through something like that? I do UM to an extent because I feel like your your own happiness is your own responsibility as a person, as a human

being existing in a relationship. One thousand percent. I believe that you are responsible for your your partners um wellness, their happiness and how they feel. And so I remember my brother and his wife. I mean, they're just my favorite couple that I know. Um. They've been married now for over twenty years. They have three daughters, and my brother in Toronto, Toronto, and and it's been really beautiful to see because they have gone through major shifts as

individuals recently, which is really beautiful. But my brother being um, one of the best men that I've known my whole life, He's just been such a prime example for me of like what I should have expected from a man, you know, very very different from my father, right, very different from my father, UM, And and you know, I respected him so much. And I remember one time him and his wife were going through like a thing, and he said to me, it doesn't matter if I think I'm right

or if I'm wrong. He says, what matters is how she feels. And when he said that, he's like, I will do whatever it takes till she feels better. And I was like, whoa, this is a level of com it meant that is so admirable. And so when I think about partnership, and when I think about it, it's not about conceding. It's like, it's not about losing, it's not about being right, it's about being well, and it's about having your partner. It's like, Okay, what can I

do to help you? What can I do? Okay, I don't necessarily agree, but let me get to a place where we feel where I can help you feel good at least acknowledged, at least heard, at least seen, um, you know, and even if you don't quite get it yourself. So I think that, yeah, I think it is a responsibility. I think that it is important that if I'm feeling a certain way, like so, for example, if if I say, Jared, when you did that, it hurt my feelings, He's just like, yeah,

but I didn't mean to hurt your feelings? Yeah, it you did? You know? His response ideally would be, oh, well, how can I help make your feelings feel better? I can either correct that next time, or I can acknowledge that I did hurt your feelings. You know. So I think it's it's really important. I think you are responsible for your p want to do you want to be our therapist? Yes? Please don't call me this thing and

there's nothing. Yes, I literally feel like this was like you know how they always say it's divine, it's been ordered like this literally is like speaking to me so much today just say anytime I'm around her, That's how I feel like whenever she speaks. I want to write that ship down, like for real, like you for a gift in every way, and I'm grateful every time you open your mouth. It's just very very passionate about about

about people being well. And I think it's important, especially when you make the decision to go through life with someone. You know, it's a real deal if you're lucky enough to find that person that you say, I choose you, I'm with you. You know, It's like how I want to do this till the end and I want to be the best that I can get all the way in, you know, and like when you say those things, like I think about these vows. My father, my father has

Parkinson's end. My parents have been together now for forty five years. And I one night saw when I was in Trinidad visiting. We I was actually performing at the Tobago Jazz Festival, and we went and we stayed at a family's villa and we were crashing. I was crashing with my parents. I felt like a teenager again. It

was amazing. But in the middle of the night, my dad caught a cramp from his parkinson symptoms and my mom was up massaging his leg and da da da, da day and I know all the eyes and lows of what my parents had been through. And I watched my mom be there with my father as he's writhing in pain, and he's like there and I'm like, this is it. This is what it is, this is the moment, this is this is what it's about. Like I'm there for you when you're writhing in pain, when you're not well,

when you're not your strongest. You know. When I saw that, I was like, this is I get it? And so when you think about that, you have to accept everything that you are and that your partner is with respect and boundaries. But except to grow and be better, you know, and be well together. It's really important. And I say you're speaking to me too, because I feel like even over the us of eighteen years, that's a long time

to be with somebody. Um, you know, I know, I can admit that I've let certain things fall by the wayside, and not on purpose, you know, not on purpose. But it's just life sometimes, you know. Yeah, But can I just say to that there there is a what do they say, like a like the gas tank right, like listen, I'm not there every day, y'all's relationship, but I certainly know that you have poured in to that tank, you

know what I mean. And so at the end of the day, two marriages, about the balance of that and how there are lots of things that we're going to look up and be like, I should have been there, I should have done that differently, I should have he was being vulnerable and I didn't missed it. And then yes, and that happens in my relationship a lot. But we have to know that we are giving as much as we can as best we can, and that we own when we've fallen short, you know what I mean, and

that they know that ability is everything, you know. I don't think anything is perfect. I don't think anyone is perfect. You just have to be trying your best at all times. Thanks y'all. We were supposed to keep him and last and I was gonna talk about like sexy like party stuff, and here we are having a whole Kumbaya moment. I'm guilty of doing this everywhere, just like I know, I knew where we were going with this early passing the

cleanex around. Oh my goodness. So yeah, that spoke so much to me, and just saying sometimes you just miss things and devouce this to men, and sometimes you're just an autopilot. You're just like going and you don't stop to see that. And I'm just like, damn, I didn't even realize that. But I'm just trying to like wife and mom and and act and you know, do other stuff and be everything. Yes, very like tunnel vision with

certain things. And then I miss a moment when he says like I'm just hurt by that, and I'm just like, well, bro, I suck it up. We're supposed to be hurt because you know, like I don't mean it like that, you know. And then I totally don't take responsibility in some of those moments because I feel like it just wasn't that big of a deal. And just because it's not a big deal to me doesn't mean that it's not a

big deal to you, you know. So I'm going to take that whtle Jim, Okay, Jim, put it in my pocket and it's a Rose Courts crystal in case that So shifting gears a little bit as we kind of wrap up. So we've spoken a lot about like pouring into the spouse and everything, but like what about us? You know? What about us? And you know, self care is that term being thrown around a whole lot lately because I feel like we now realize that in order to be that cup that pours into every aspect of life,

we have to have something too. You've got to fill that joint up. Um. So what are your favorite ways to kind of reconnect with yourself, um and make the most of your own company psychotherapy for you? Melani? You say, is one way? What about you, Cody, anything that you do to kind of just say him I love you, I will say, I will be honest, and right now I'm not doing that at all, like I would say almost at all. I'm getting to a place. But that is my biggest issue with me right now. So you're

acknowledging that. It's fully acknowledging that. Yeah, I am trying to figure out I have zero rituals for me right like, like I don't even floss every day, Like that's a thing that no one cares but me. It's for me and my teeth helped, but like I don't even take the two minutes every day to do that for myself. And so I'm trying to figure out, right now, what

are those things? What is one thing that I can do that's like three minutes, you know, two to three minutes a day, even if it's just being still um. One thing I have incorporated, like in the last couple of weeks is working out, but it's overwhelmed. It's like it's nerve racking because I feel so good when I do it, but I also feel like I've just taken an hour and a half away from something else. So I'm trying to wrap my head around just being like, but you need it but you deserve it so that

you're not feeling guilty after the fact. So I'm in that spot now because I want to I want to point something out because I noticed this about moms in general. Consistency with myself is like the worst. But when I tell you that my son routine is all points, listen to me, listen to me. So so I I always say that to other moms, and I say that to

myself because it's possible. It's where you choose, and like, as women, this is our this is quintessential like one o one give poor poor poor filth, feed, take care of everyone you know, and we forget. And so it is just as small as taking three minutes to yourself. It is just as amazing as being here today, like it really is. It's it's um, it's a thing. So you can do it and just find the small ways that you can and then of course releasing like knowing

you will start to understand. Like I started doing orange theory, which is like I'm obsessed with it. I didn't think that I would be because I thought those people were crazy down Orange theory. So it's a high intensity workout. So it's an hour, right, So like I found that, like, I just didn't. I wasn't having the motivation to go to the gym and motivate myself to do it. I was boxing for a little bit. I like that too, but girl, you see these nails, they don't always work.

That's also me time, by the way. Um, But yeah, like the orange theory is high intensity workouts. It's an hour literally start to finish, you'll be home, you'll be done,

dressed in everything within the hour. And it's just that good sweat that I feel that I need and I'm challenging myself and I feel like that's a really good way for me now as far as how I implement self care and build confidence for myself, because I'll honestly say, like once I had my son, coming into the industry, oh my god, I mean there's a whole other thing. I just saw a picture somebody posted to me last night.

I remember this is before I had my son, and it was like a month that I had done any public photos, and somebody's just like, oh, she looks like she put on weight. And then after I had my son, this narrative is still in my head and I'm like, oh my god, people are gonna say I'm that. People are gonna say all these things, and it's like, what's not true that baby? Stop it right, you know. But the thing is is that now I've gotten to this place where I just want to feel healthy and strong

and so whatever that is. I love going for acupuncture. Sometimes I would just go for a random sound bath. Sometimes I'll just go for a walk. Sometimes this high intensity work out of me pushing myself and ten ten or eleven on the treadmill and bed sprint for thirty seconds. Lets me know you did this, you know. So I try to do those things. And really, my biggest thing that I do these days is say no. I say no to whatever is not going to fill me, and

keep it pushing and keep pushing about it. I don't even if you know. And it's interesting because when you have a family, you start to think about money and you start to think about opportunities. And then I've said yes to certain things where I was like, no, not all money is good money. So now I really just want to say no. In general. I want to set the boundaries of um of not being tune. You know. That's how That's how I'm filling my cup. It's funny

my little self care thing. Um, I think because also a lot of my work is on social media and just always being on my phone and stuff like that. I was literally heartbroken. I wrote a blog about it, a blog about it recently that um Cairo, my middle son, was asking me for something one day and I was just in my phone doing something like posting a story or something, and um, he was like Mommy, no, no, no no,

I'm like, yeah, whatever, not listening to him. And he was like Mommy, with like this force, and he was like, you're not listening to me. I was like, break my heart a million pieces. Just bear my heart because it's over. And I literally stopped and was like and I was in tears and I was hugging him and I was like, what's the matter. I'm so sorry, and I promise you now. I'm like, you know what, sometimes I'll just have to

put my phone down. That is my self camera. So there are some Sundays where I'll wake up and I was like, no, check a quick email, whatever, and I'll put my phone down on the charger for the day. That's great, and I just let it. I just that's just it. I'm like, it's gonna have to wait. And naturally there's some people that are just like, girl, did you die? I text you three hours ago, you didn't reply, you know, And I'm just like, I took some time.

And sometimes it's time for me. Sometimes it's just time for my family, my husband, children, like it's just time away from all the noise. And that's probably my most favorite self care ye so sore so flowers. Ladies, I do like by yourself flowers. That's like the smallest thing jewelry. Just walk on jewelry, you know, if you're bowling on a budget, and if you know what I mean, it depends when girl, there's Etsy, we can find some stuff,

and then there's always Amazon. It's funny because I had a little cement where I was good to talk to you all about like things that you or where you shot for sexy bedroom pieces, which is like the counterpart to me meis you like what not? But I was like, you know, my Amazon is cool for like a little cheerley diskirt or if you want to be a little schoolgirl, because ifout likes role play and whatnot. So I got to go to Amazon to hit them up. Half is working on my chop so that's all that is me.

I like to say, oh my goodness. All right, so we have listener letters. I just want to stick you around for maybe ten more minutes. I don't want to take out too many times. But before we do that, we're gonna take a little break and we're going to get into some ads. Okay, so we'll be right back. Stay town. This for the record, there it is a win for the ages. Tiger Woods is one of our most inspiring sports icons. In his story, it comes with

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Now listen and stitch your Apple podcasts or your favorite podcast app. All right, so now we're back and it's time for listener letters. So I always encouraged my beautiful guests to stick around and help me answer these questions, because shall these emails be crazy sometimes with these scenarios that people legitimately need help and they need advice. So I don't want to make fun of it, but we do want to see what they have to say and

give our little two cents, you know. And since Melanie has all the fields today and the energy and she's just speaking to my soul, she might speak to y'alls too. So I'm gonna read the first question and we'll see what we can do for you. All right, Um, dear K and d big fans of the podcast, I've get to miss an episode. Thank you. Trying to get my wife into Oh so this is a man writing in We like when we hear from the guys. Um, trying to get my wife into it. So maybe being mentioned

on the show will convince her. Oh okay, our first ye can't give me no name, so I don't know who you are, bro, but okay, our first year of marriage, our first year in being married just coming up. It's been a roller coaster for sure. How is the first year for you too? What pressure or difficulties did you to face when it came to family professional and I guess personally, Um, our family can't help but mention kids every visit. Okay, so they want kids or family wants kids. Um,

what advice would you have facing these similar pressures? Can you suddress what we would do or what's the best way to handle these topics? When brought up I guess from other it doesn't feel very clear, but I'm assuming he's saying they've been married for a year and they're having some pressures that they're facing with their family and

professionally and stuff like that. So anything that maybe you guys have encountered, maybe Cody, um, you can speak on in that first year that I mean, arding the children thing, it's kind of just none of your business to inquiries, you know. Um, But yeah, marriage is like is historically statistically the first year is the hardest, the hardest. So that's just normal. And to not think that you're different or anything, you know, depending on what your issues are,

But that's normal. You know, you're you're adjusting greatly. Maybe you didn't live together before, you know what I mean, Like, there's just so many adjustments in that first year. So my only note is to just communicate, maybe go to therapy, but yeah, just to communicate for sure. Yeah. I think the first year for Deval were really hard too, because it was like we were married. We were coming off of the stresses of like this big wedding that our

families both wanted us to have. So we were recuperating from that, um, you know, because it's like, all, we're gonna have this money, but like make sure we can live after because a lot of our money was tied up in assets and like homes and investments and stuff that we had. So it was like, you know, really just trying to like all off this wedding and ended up getting pregnant on the honeymoon. Jackson was a honey He went to Jamaica's two came back and three child.

So that was a lot too because then now we're now married and it's like, Okay, what does it look like to be married? Like what's different? Um? And then we're also now I'm going through a whole bunch of hormonal changes being pregnant and having our first child within the first year. So we definitely threw around that divorce. We're like a couple of times like what did we do? I liked you seven years prior and here we are and what did we do? Nobody told me about X

y Z you know. So that was a big issue for us that first year um of marriage. And then slowly, I think once we kind of regained um, some focus on like what exactly it was that we wanted. I think Jackson too helped to keep us together because we had the common goal of now parenting this little person that didn't next to be here, um, but he's here and we loved him to death, and knowing that we wanted to have a household that was going to be

together and that was gonna be healthy for him. UM. So that does help a lot um within that first year, at least for us. UM. Do you feel, for see Melanie, any changes coming. It's really interesting because I always wonder, like, because we have been living together, have a child, and now we're going to have this you know, ceremony, I wonder if things will change. I don't. I hope that I don't foresee that they would, but I feel like,

does like does the official title create other things? I mean except for anybody coming, well, let me relate to the writer, because if anybody is trying to come up in here after we say these vals and talking about when are you gonna exactly? We don't know if we're having another baby, And I think that that's the thing I would give any advice to anybody is just don't have other people project their expectations. Are sure there's a reason why it's just you and that person, and you've

chosen each other and just said boundaries. I say no with a smile. You know what, Thanks, but I didn't ask for your opinion. Thanks, but I didn't ask you. I'm smiling. I'm so happy. It's for sure. We did a whole episode on stop Clocking my uterus. That's actually the title of so trust me. I completely under say where you're coming from with that Majo business. Tell that alright, story short, all right. In our last question for today, um, hi, I'm newly I'm a newly wed and a new mom.

How did you or when you started feeling sexy again after kas and Cairo. She's speaking to me as a female, So when did you start to feel sexy again after these babies? I come, that's what she's saying. I'm recovering from a cesarian and having a hard time falling in love with myself again. And of you had Crian, you had at both. Really I had a c section with Brooks. I didn't know that bag. You know what the twins? Okay, good for you. So yeah, fall in love with this

body that's such a such such a complicated. It don't look the same, it don't sit the same, it don't move the same. Sure, and who knows if it feels the same, you know what I'm saying. Really, I just I just think that it is a process. I know,

for me, I found that. And I when I found that I was doing things, whether it was physical activity to try to make myself feel good about my physical body or just things in general that made me feel good, was when I started to find confidence within myself body wise. You know, it's hard when you are beating up on yourself, when you're like, oh, I've put on so much weight and now I'm sitting at home and all I'm doing

is taking care of the baby. And I found that, like when I was putting my best foot forward for myself, even if I wasn't where I was ideal, I still was finding confidence for myself and learning that I wanted to do everything out of self love and rather than self hate. And so that was really the thing. And so even now I still sometimes I'll be like, oh, I love yourself, girl, love yourself, Love yourself. It is

so it is a it is a journey forever. And I think that communicating with your partner, as vulnerable as that can be, is the key because they will feel when you're shying away, when you're hiding, and maybe you can rely on them to help bring that sexyotity and make you feel like you had tired. You know, it's really important because I feel like two for our partners, they're kind of being extra sensitive to us in that time because we just did have surgery, we just you know,

gave birth. We just are adjusting to this new body, and they're hearing us say, oh, these genes don't fit, or oh I used to or people are saying things. You know, so I think it's really important to also communicate how you're feeling, because I know, for a while I kept all of my stuff inside. And you know, then also your partner might start to feel like you're not interested in them, where you're just not in the mood.

You might need a little encouragement, you might need someone to say I still love you the way that you are, this thing that it used to be there before. I still love you. I take you and accept you as you are. You know, it's really it goes a long way. So communication, don't be afraid to be vulnerable about how

you're feeling about your mind. Do you remember I wrote a snap back article for you guys, and we talked about the snaps back culture and like this, um, yeah, what it is like this this whole term and like that negative connotation that it has because people expect it to happen like right away, and there's so much pressure on women to then feel like they have to just reassimilate into the culture all put together again, you know

what I mean. So it's kind of just like throwing away that term, or if you do embrace the term, knowing that you're doing it within your own time frame. And that's super important. So take your time. It took nine months, ten months, they say, to grow an entire human, deliver that human, and then to you know, get bounced back.

It takes time. Remember my O B G y N told me, you know, because I was very much like, oh, I'm gonna start working out, can I start working out that six weeks visit and she was like, well, you know, it takes about a year for your body to kind of readjust and get back to like normal, and then they're always fast forward. It's like cut to Cody and Tommy leaving our apartment and then I was prenatal and postpartum at the same damn time because I had back

to that babies, and there's no recovery in sight. It's not like and here I am two years later after cats, finally feeling like Okay, I've got this. I've got myself together. And I don't want to say most important, but the thing that stands out to me about that is that you just said two years later that is important and a big deal, and people look at you and your social or like she just had a baby, you know

what he needed chill. It is a process. I'm still he's three, he's about to be four, and I'm still like, I could get that a little tighter. I think maybe I don't know, but we're getting start. But you know what that to or over a year. You know what I will say is I have hips that I never had before now and once upon a time when that put me in a size six instead of a size four. You know what I'm saying. Like, I'm like, okay, Like

that's just what it is. And I will share a piece of wisdom to any woman who is listening, whether whatever journey or on, whether it's post baby, pre baby, no baby, wait, whatever it is. My therapist told me this and I never forgot it. It was I was feeling really low about the way that I looked physically at a time, and I remember saying to her, you know, I just I'm working out, but I still want to eat the doughnut and I just don't understand why I

can't control it. And she was like, stop waiting to feel good, stop waiting to look good, to feel good. And I was like, well, what do you mean. She was just like, you're not your ideal size right now, but I want you to go buy some thing that makes you feel good in your size right now. She was like, don't wait to get back into these genes

where these things that you used to wear. If you a size ten, now go buy something size make you go by something that makes you feel good, because if you are waiting for this comparison to get to this place and that's how you feel success or happiness. You will be struggling forever. So just do something right now wherever you are to make yourself feel good and all

that note. Baby, On that note, thank you ladies so much for saying that always helps to get different perspectives on motherhood and life and us just trying to do everything as women. So it's like you said, whether you have children when you you don't, you know, you're in the workforce. Whatever it is. I'm sure that someone can take something from today's episode because as hell did you got mad gyms in my bag? What was it? Kind of Crystal s Courts, bro S Courts and this internally

in for sure. There you go, And if you want to be featured as one of our listener letters, be sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. So on our way out right now, it was our bridal shower, you know, joints there you know what I mean, because I was going to ask for our toast. So normally what we do at the end of every episode, but were just there you go. So what we do at the end of every episode we

have a moment of truth. So our takeaway, what's like you're one thing you've taken away from this episode today that you're leaving with um, anything you learned, anything else that you want to share or reiterate, UM, And just like a sentence or two, tell me what your moment of truth is toast to the good life. Everybody's leaving at me. My moment of truth is probably the reminder that never gets old that for me started when I

was parting with the twins, so not even before. That is to give myself grace no matter where I am, whether it's size and weight, or work and mom guilt or any thing, to give myself grace, especially because no one else has to sure for sure, Absolutely, I love that. I think my takeaway is look for inspiration all around you, because both of you women are so inspiring to me. Being being mother's working women multiple children, I find it

hard enough doing it with just one. So knowing that it's possible to be as fly and fun as y'all are three babies, it's really amazing. And so I feel like that would be my takeaways to just remind yourself that you you are surrounded by inspiration and sisterhood and tribe at all times, and no matter how many kids. The experience is relatable, and so you have to share. And so I'm I'm very thankful to sit here with you ladies. Thank you so much for that. Melanie. You

know it's funny. My moment of truth was actually it came from you, um, something that you said, your brother said, and because I was in tears and cry I couldn't jot it down because I normally will take a note or something sometimes text. Well, actually, let's remember it one more time because I want to get that on the record.

He said that the concept is is that you are you are responsible for your partners, um, how your partner is feeling, whether you are right, whether you agree, whether it sounds ridiculous to you, that it is your responsibility to do what you can within your power to help your partner feel better, no matter what that is, whether that is being seen, being heard, acknowledged, um, you know, UM, reminded that they're they're appreciated, whatever, whatever that does, whatever

that need is from your partner. Um, it's very important that you are willing to do the work to help get them to a place where they feel good. Again. I love that. Yes, as I get old, Seria and again I'm not going to do it twice on one episode. So no, I'm a thug, I'm from Brooklyn. But yes, that that's amazing and I'm definitely going to jot that down. I'm going to re re listen to this. But thank

you ladies so much for joining me here today. Let everyone know where they can find you handles all, I mean, they know what they can, but still handles on Instagram, all the socials and all that kind of stuff. So I am at Cody co c O d I E c O and you can also follow at black Love of course you better be. And I am Melanie Fiona at Melanie Fiona m E l A n I E f I O M A on all handles and on YouTube it's Melanie Fiona TV. I love that. And be sure to follow devlin I on social media Cadeen I

am and I am Devil. And if you're listening on Stitcher, Apple Podcasts, or anywhere you listen, be sure to rate, review and subscribe dead Ass. Dead Ass is a production of Stitcher. We are produced by Jackie Soljico and No Opinion. Our executive producer t Square. Our associate producers are Triple and Kristin Torres. Our chief content officer is Chris Bannon, our studio engineer, and original music is by Brent and Burns and last but not least, we are mixed by

Andy Kristen's We'll Back. I'm Drew McCarry and I'm David Roth. We have a podcast going on right now as far as the stitchen Et. We're called Substraction. That's available every we get a podcast at Stitcher, Spotify, Apple Go listen right now to the Distraction right now. It's out do it Least