More Listener Letters

important thing to mention, we're married. We are. We created this podcast to open dialogue about some of life's most taboo topics, things most folks don't want to talk about through the lens of a millennial married couple. Dead ads is the term that we say every day. So when we say dead ass, we're actually saying facts, the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Were about to take phillow talk to a whole new level. Dead

ass starts right now. If fuck nowma right to you, I day, I packed up Seilly time and that send it up for now? Are dropping in the email box. You're not gonna sing the bridge or the hook or whatever it is. You're not gonna You're not gonna see it. I don't know the words really, and I don't be faking it, Like, what about sending my little sit sending my love exactly, praying that you ceiling with the kids, sending my love. Hey, we love when y'all send y'all

love to us. Yes we do. And you ask us for our two cents because you know we got two cents to spare. It's about be trying to teach you all in the karaoke. Noticed that, right, every time I've seen the karaoke, I give you all my best. He's to be giving y'all the barren minium. Didn't even want to see in my lane, but yeah I did. I have to make sure that my lyrics straight because I don't like to be fumbling people's lyrics. No money care

about the lyrics. You know, it's all about the essence, all right, all right, I'll give you all essence from now on. Is that enough? Yes? Because they're gonna be singing the wrong words with us. This is what is what we do. That is a fact. Listen to letters are great when we do the live shows. People can't wait to stand up and do their listening letters in person. It's just funny to watch people be like nobody judged me by my ask this question, what's the wildest listening

letter we've ever had or that we can remember. I feel like there was a wild one that we had sometime last season, and I cannot place it. All I know is that dude, say he jacked four or five times a jay and he married. I just want to know what kind of job he got. What he could just step away and just rub one out real quick,

like that's that's a lot of jacking to do. That was because if you figure four or five times a day and you're up, how many people are up on average of how many hours, Let's think twelve to fifteen hours a day, so that means every at least three hours, Like, that's how many meals. I'm trying to get in to lose this goddamn weight. I'm trying to eat six the day. You know what, I guess this is there's a way.

I guess it's a way. So instead of eating, we're jacking. Yeah, don't judge, don't judge, my man, he's being vulnerable with us, letting us know what it is. Hey, no judgment at all, but I was just trying. That was one of the wildest listener letters I have had for sure, it's a lot of jack. And how does he stay hydrated? Just letting out that much fluid? Four or five times a day every day? Drink a bottle of water after each That's thirty five jacks a freaking week. Bro, that's over

a hundred and twenty jacks a month ago. That's mad jacks protein at all? Like, where does it god? Fluent and protein? Bro? Where does it go? I don't know? In the sock? I guess. I don't know. Bro, this is a lot. Hey, you don't let that discourage you all from writing in. I promise you. I promise you did no judgment here. We'll just be trying to figure things out, you know what I'm saying. All right, let's

dive into the first one. Hey, Hey, Dvalin Cadeen. First of all, I want to say that I love listening to you guys and see your family videos. I sometimes even share them with my husband, which brings me to my situation. My husband and I have been celebrating, or we'll be celebrating our first winning anniversary coming up in September. Now, Devout, I've heard you say in a previous episode how much you miss your girlfriend. That's exactly how I feel. I

missed my boyfriend. Were twenty six and we moved in together about four months ago from being in a committed relationship with one another. We we've known each other most of our lives, and I've spent plenty of time around his family due to his cousin being my best friend for about fifteen years. We got engaged one year into our relationship and married nine months later. We've had our rifts, of course, about small things that happened in our everyday life.

He really enjoys playing video games two K and looks at that time as his alone time and relaxation. I've gotten better with allowing him to have that time, even though most times it takes up the majority once we're both home from work. Allow It's funny to hear a woman say, allow him have that time, but let him. Man say we allow our wives, they'd be ready to just fight. You don't allow me to do nothing not bad. You're right now. I'm triggered, right now. You triggered over there.

Trigger warning. You should have put a trigger warning this because listen develop sping some kind of way. We sometimes even have disagreements about how we deal with each other's needs. I want him to be more affectionate and allow me to be my affectionate, energetic self without feeling like I'm bothering him. He's saying that life is in a fairy tale or a movie, which, uh, I know what I'm what. What I want is to feel loved and feel that we can have fun together, even if it's just being

at home. There's a saying that the man must love the woman more than she loves him for the things to work. Really about that, sometimes I'm not sure if that's the case with us. Of course, things are different and some things will be difficult. In the first year of marriage. I look forward to coming home to him showing and showing him my love, but whenever we actually spend time together, it seems like it's a chore for him,

or not something he really wants to do. We've even thought about just drawing back from each other a bit and somewhat detaching. I care very much, and he doesn't feel like anything is wrong. I see how other people are with their significant others, including you guys, but my best friend and her boyfriend, and I long to have that in relationship with my husband. MM Hmmm, that's what I know. How do I get the man I fell in love with without feeling like I'm forcing him to

enjoy being with me. I don't want to push him away or lose him. First of all, says, you don't necessarily want what me and Devout have because the struggles that we've had, which we vocalized and we've spoken about a lot on this podcast, um are things that we continue to still struggle with. Devout is a super affectionate one. I'm not I enjoy She went to sleep last night. I didn't say I love you and nothing to me. She just went in the bed, didn't say good night

enough mad tide, y'all. I just didn't. I just fell asleep. And I have many nights like that, and I need to do better. I do because mad nights like that that I just go to sleep and I just go to the room, and she'd already be sleep, no good night, no love you. They'd be nice that I wake up and uh, you know what when I wake up and I'll lay one on you. Yeah, it happens. Let's talk about let's that's a lie. That is a whole lie.

You never just wake up and lay one on me, I wake you up to get it laid on me. It is a difference, is a difference. Well, you get up, you get up right, but you don't ever just wake up like, oh my god, look at my husband over there, definitely not doing that. Let me give him the sloppy ropy right now, tired. But when I'm up, though, and when he wakes me up, I'd be ready to go. No. I was shaking my head to her statement about, uh,

I look at you guys, and don't do that. The minute you tailor make your relationship to other people's expectations, you're gonna fail. Because no one can be as good as me and Codeine are at being me and Codeine. We're already doing it you. No one is ever gonna be as good as that. Like no, because because no one's ever gonna be as good as you are, as being you are to you and your your man, like we could try to be y'all and it won't work.

Like if I try to play two K and K try and I'm like, you see how she'd be on on him. Let me play two K. Maybe you be on me. It's not gonna work. I'm just trying to emulate something I see, but it's not something that I want or need. What you have to do is tell him over and over and over again what you want and what you need. Because marriage is an ongoing conversation. It's never gonna end. My Yeah, it's really never gonna end. Like it's literally every day waking up and deciding to

have those conversations to make those choices. You know, I but I do understand her feeling though, like the feeling of not being wanted. Like Kadeine and I tell Conine all the time, I'm a super affectionate person. Knein walks by me, I'm gonna grab her, I'm gonna rub her, I'm gonna whisper something in her, and I'm just gonna tell her come here. And she's be like what, delt like what what? I'm just like nothing, And I just rub your thigh real quick, and then I'll just walk

by her and then it's like not the same. But you also have to understand that people have different ways of showing love, and if you expect the person that you want to spend a much of your life with to be exactly on the same page with you in every aspect of life, you're gonna be up for disappointment because people show love differently. So yeah, I mean I feel like that the term love language. I don't know if that's overused now because I know I'll be tired

of hearing of it. But I think it's a real thing. It definitely is a real thing, trying to decipher how people are able to display love, how they're able to receive love, what's needed, where the deficits may lie, so um have those conversations with her this, and also to realize that it's a lot different sometimes too, once you finally move in together, Like was he super affectionate just

as the boyfriend? And then the minute y'all got together, it's like, now he's here, living together ahead of time or not, because there's the moments to miss each other. Think about when you're traveling, for example, when you're away, when you're filming or whatever, forever apart for whatever reason.

Sometimes just having that distance alone is enough to make you feel like, Damn, I can't wait to see my person again and be in their space and be that affectionate person that I want him to be or he needs me to be, versus the monotony of a day to day coming home and it just being the same thing. I can also be I think there's two things. Number One, if they moved together recently, then that means they moved

in together during the pandemic. That was an anomaly, Like you can't you can't say my life moving forward is going to be like this based on the way it was. One, because nobody was outside, nobody was doing anything. It was just it was a very awkward, weird time. So don't judge him or judge yourself based on that. Number Two, it goes without saying. I mean, I have to say this.

No one understands what it feels like to be the over affectionate person in the relationship until you are the over affectionate personal relationship because the other person, since they're not affectionate, thinks that everything is fine. But you, if you're the affectionate one, is walking around feeling at a deficit because you feel like that this person doesn't love me as much as I love them because they're not acting the way you act, And that's difficult for someone.

You and I have talked about that all the time. For me, it was just like yo, like I got this girl that I just I'm madly in love with I want to be around to all the time, and she just don't feel the same. And then it's just like, do you not love me? Is it something about my physical appearance? Like it becomes a thing where you start

to question yourself and you internalize it. And then I know with with us when I'm away, the minute I leave, Like the minute I leave, she'll send me a text I'm missing you already, And I'd be like, bit, I was in the house for three weeks, you don't even hug me. Now I leave the house and as I mess you already space bro. It's just I think people like that, like me, like her, really take time, Like it takes us time to realize that that doesn't mean

the person doesn't love us. They just love differently, because you only love people the way you know you want to be loved, and when you're not getting that, it makes you feel a way. So I understand where she's

coming from. No, for sure, for sure, I have those conversations just because it's still early on and you guys have been around the family a long time and all that, which is great, Um, but I understand that feeling of wanting to have that boyfriend girlfriendness back, because don't we all wish that we can bottle up that very fresh newness that we've experienced in the relationship And don't be afraid to push him away by telling him your truth.

If you're telling him your truth means he wants to be with someone else or be pushed away, then that's not your person. Like I tell Connin my truth and she's often like, oh baby, and then she's just like, well, I don't want you to feel that way, Let's work on it. If I to tell condem my truth and she'd be like, well, get you doing too much and I don't want all of that, then I'm like, all right, well, if you don't want that and this is what I required,

then we don't need to be together. So tell him your truth and once he makes his response, then you know how to move. All right, We're up to listen to letter number two. Hey, Codeine and de Val, please keep me anonymous of course. First off, I just want to say I love the podcast. You guys really out here changing and saving relationships one episode at a time. Thank you so much. Okay, here goes my boyfriend of eight years found out a few years ago that his

daughter is not biologically his. Before this was revealed, he was on child support and joint custody was granted, but the mother made it very hard and did everything she could to make parenting miserable for him, and the irony is is not his. Fast forward to the President. We have maybe spent a month's total worth of days with the daughter since we found out. The mother has taken my boyfriend off of child support and she is currently

living with and in a relationship with the daughter's biological dad. Okay, so then there we go. It seems now we only get to see the daughter when it's convenient for the mother. Oh, they still want to be in a daughter's life. Other than that, we don't get to see her here from the daughter, and he's blocked most of the time. It's clear that the mother no longer wants us to be a part of her daughter's life, and my boyfriend can't

seem to let this go. I understand that if that's been your daughter for a long time, there's there's no way to just let that go. Kudos to him, because a less of a man would have been like, I'm out, but that that child doesn't deserve that. He's even talking about hiring a lord to enforce his joint custody agreement. I'm fearful at this point he is setting himself up for Harvard, because I feel that if he takes her, the court is going to get ugly. I know he loves her as I do, but a part of me

feels as if we should just fall back. Of course you would, being as though her biologed with dad is in the picture and wanting to be a dad. I don't know how to bring this up to him, as this is a touchy subject. I understand that, and he gets defensive as I would too, every time I try to talk about it. I don't know why he is holding on so strong, because if someone's sent it to you as their daughter, and your heart takes the men as a daughter, you don't just let that go. You

know what's funny about women? Let me see this man. Also, this has kind of had our relationship in a stagnant place, as he has stated before that he doesn't want to move things forward until he gets things figured out with his kids. Frankly, I'm tired of waiting, and I don't feel like the option of engagement marriage should be contingent on whether he can get the situation to work out. Any advice would be helpful. Love you guys in the pod,

keep it up. Truly frustrated and over it. Here's my first thing, Right, I've noticed about women women have a strong connection with their own children. Right, But I've also noticed that that those same women, and I'm I hate to generalize, and you can't say all women, but when they find out that their partner has a child, it's almost like an instant block that that child is not my child, and the connection is just not as strong.

So it's like I'm ready to cut ties with the child or as far as like only the husband, like you need to just let that go, or the boyfriend, like because it's not their child. So they're like, you know, can't you just walk away from it, but not understanding that it's there's an emotional attachment you can't just expect. Like for example, we know some people who have relationships with people's baby mothers, and it'd be you know, you hear women sometimes just be like, yo, why don't you

just just let it go? Let her have it, like and it's like you're really asking this man to walk out of their own child's life because you feel inconvenience that he has a child with another woman, but not understanding that if it was on the other end and that was your child, you would want that child to have a relationship with their father. And I just find

the duality of like womanhood and motherhood. It's like, when it's your child, you're ready to protect them, but when it's someone else's child, that the obvious should be to understand and protect that child. But sometimes like, well, this is my man now, so whatever that child is going through doesn't matter. You know what I'm saying. I hear

what you're saying. What you're saying. I think in this instance, she is more frustrated with the fact that a couple of things she doesn't want her and she's probably she's having to deal with this too, right, So absolutely can't expect for this to be a thing where she just removes herself from it. It's like that she has to and she too says she's had a relationship with this child as well. But I think what she's getting at is that she doesn't want him to set himself up

for failure. Now that will the courts even grant him any kind of joint custody, seeing as though technically he's just not the father at all. And now that the biological father is back into her life and she's with her biological mom, will will he be fighting a fight that is just not understand that ever end up in his favor. I understand that, but even that in itself is unfair. Right, you say that this is my biological child. I do everything that I'm supposed to to take care

of the child. You know what I'm saying. I'm on child support, I'm fighting for visitation, I'm building a relationship with the child, but then it turns out it's not mine, and you expect me just to cut all that off. Like there's no real man that I know that would be able to say like washing my hands off of this, especially if you've watched that child from birth become a little person, knowing that that person is going to be saying, well, where's my daddy, and then feeling maybe some sort of

abandonment and stuff to you from that. Yeah, it's it's a very sticky and difficult situation um for a lot of the parties involved here. But I can't also understand this woman feeling like damn, like until he figures this out, then we're stagnant, like their relationship can't move in any kind of way because that's where his focus is now. She wants him to either relinquish himself of this focus

or figure out what the happy media. But that's what But that's what I'm saying is the duality of motherhood is like, when it's my child, you care if she's a mother or not. Did she right? But what I'm saying is she's talking about trying to move forward for the future, and what I'm trying to point out is that it's the understanding that that's someone's child. It may

not be your child. But to say you need to wash your hands of this and move on to me, it's like that that that's bad karma, you know what I'm saying, Because that because that child didn't ask for this situation, and for because it's inconvenient for you in the moment to say wash your hands of that and leave it alone, I think that's extremely selfish. You know, I'm not saying that she doesn't have a right to feel a way because she does, like you didn't ask

for this. The woman lied or the woman didn't know, and here you are have been and she said, the woman has been a hell to deal with for the past couple of years, dealing with this whole child. So I understand her animosity towards the woman and stuff like that, But where is the empathy for the child and the man that you love, knowing that this is someone that he calls his daughter. It's impossible for you to tell that man, let washing just washing hands and let it

go like there's no way. You know what I'm saying. She's asking for it to be that cut and dry because she does say too, she's had a relationship with child,

because she's been around as well too. I'm curi to know she has her own children with or without him, because sometimes to not having been a mother or knowing what that feels like, Yes, it might be bad, Harmer, like you said, but in that moment, she may not even be able to relate on that level because unless you've been a mother, you don't understand really fully what it's like. You can imagine it. But but you said,

you don't think that she's saying. She literally said, I know he loves her as I do, but part of me feels he should just fall back, being as though her biological like that. That to me is like asking someone to fall back from someone who they have taken in as their child, even even like I'm not gonna lie to you, right, we have a lot of young people that we call our children, right. There are some in particular who are more like my kids than others.

If at this point that person's child father came into their life and they were like, you need to fall back, I would be heartbroken, and y'all would probably see me fight somebody as much as I've done to be a part of this person and to instill into this person what it is to be a man, and now someone comes in and it's just like, well, all right, well fall back. And the thing is already have my own kids, But that's not the point once you create a bond

with something. And I don't think that that's what I'm saying about the duality of motherhood, because I don't think women understand when you have a good man and he chooses to be a father to someone, the title doesn't matter, and saying to fall back, especially because we we've had this in other listener letters where his baby mother is crazy. I wish you would just leave that situation alone. It is hard for a good man to just leave a

situation alone when their child is involved. I agree with you. I'm just playing devil's advocate and trying to get maybe her perspective on things, her wanting to protect her husband from her man now from like you, potential heartbreak anybody who's against me that I'm a pitable for you a hundred times over. And I don't even think twice about it. If that person don't like you, don't walk with you, I don't work with them. Like that's just what it is.

And I can see how maybe she feels like you know what I'm saying, It's like, Okay, we love this daughter and everything her mother been given us hell from day one. However, I just don't want you to be even more heartbroken than you are now putting into the hope that maybe I can get some joint custody. Maybe I can, you know, be in this until maybe this

girl is of age. Hopefully he can have some sort of presence where the daughter still knows he's there, can imagine enough to decide to want to come see him a little bit more. But can you imagine, right, if you wait years and after years, you're going to meet with this young lady and she tells you, my mom told me you don't want me no more she got because that happens a lot, you know what I'm saying, with what narrative she's creating over there, and not only

just for the young lady. But I don't think women realize when you have a man, a good husband, or a good father or a good man, it's not easy to break that that tie, with that tie with someone that you consider to be your child. Like it's not a thing where you can just let it go. And the reason why I'm talking about the duality is because moms know how hard it is. You would never break

a mom's tied with their child. But to hear you know, women often sending listen to letters saying like I wish he would just let it go because it's inconvenient for them. To me, it's just selfish because if when it's your child, no one tells a mom or something like that. You know what I'm saying, That's what I was saying, the duality, it's just like crazy perspective. Um. But of course when we get these listen letters, we try to weigh in

different options. And I understand what you're coming from as far as if she's a pit both for him. It's like, I don't want to see him hurt. I just wish he would let it go. And I guess that's why she's asking for help, because she doesn't know how to exist. Well,

let's just give us some advice. I would say, just be careful of trying to tell him to wipe his hands, because that's gonna make him defensive, and that's gonna make him be like, you don't have what's in the best interests of me or this child, So that would make him that could potentially turn him off, turn him off right, So I would I would refrain from but I would try to find a way to be of assistance in helping it go smootherer. And I'm not saying you have to be a chance or can do it to the

other baby mother, don't. But you know, help them figure out some you know, read through this stuff to figure out how you can get custody. You know, be be a part or asset to the cause as opposed to being against it, and significant just be the advocate because he needs that and he's not gonna let it go right as he shouldn't because he has a relationship in bond with this this young lady. Um. So yeah, good luck to you guys. Um, we're too in. I think we have a couple more and that might be a

good good time to take a little break. Um, gather up some more listeners that come back. All right, so stick around all right, now we're back and onto the third listener letter of the episode. Hi Kane Devout. First things first, I love you guys and admire you so much. I pray that God's hand is on you and continue to bless your family. Thank you receive that. So I just turned twenty eight and I am healing from my father's wounds. I am the product of an affair. My

father cheated on his wife. I was angry, resentful for a long time because I felt like a secret and family members gave me a hard time as a child. In two thousand five, my mother got married and I was excited to have a dad finally. Well, I feel like he wasn't exactly excited about having a daughter. My mom and stepdad have been married for seventeen years and he has never tried to cultivate a relationship with me.

He never talks to me, and we live in the same home, like we do not speak at all, and that's it. Caps The most he says to me is good morning. We have had several family meetings, respectfully expressing my hurt, and he chose not to make a change after I expressed how I felt multiple times. I feel like at this point he's choosing not to have a relationship with me as a child. My mother used to try to make me pursue my stepfather, like telling me to ask him to do an activity with me. I

feel like I should never have to do that. He married my mother and he chose to be a parent to me. I believe it's the parents responsibility to foster a relationship with their child. My mother thinks I should pursue him because he has provided for us for me a house, cars, and food, which is supposed to be doing as a provider material. Thinks me nothing if you haven't taught me anything or tried to have a relationship with me. I love my mother so much that she

knows that she knows how I feel. It's very hurtful that she wants to have these fake moments of happiness knowing her husband doesn't speak to me. I cannot be fake, but I want to be respectful because I love my mom. I'm so hurt that I haven't chosen, that I've chosen not to let him walk me down the aisle when I get married. It's fake because he and I have no relationship at all, exactly as my bio dad and

I are getting better and closer over the years. My dad has tried to have a relationship with me despite my resentment. For that, I give him his flowers. So what are we talking about here? What are we talking about him? How do I set boundaries with my mother to let her know to stop trying to force me to pursue my stepfather after I've told him and my

mother how he's hurt me. Signed a fatherless daughter. Oh, siss sis says, you're not fatherless, But this is this is part of the issue, right, Your dad made poor choices when cheating on his wife, and you're the product of interfere But if your dad always trying to have a relationship with you, you chose to try to have a relationship with someone else because you had resentment towards

your dad. You had a father the whole time, but he didn't look the way you wanted him to look, or he wasn't presented the way you wanted to be presented, so you pushed it off and tried to have a relationship with this man who clearly wasn't interested. Well, rightfully so in a sense, because she probably felt like, Okay, if I'm being treated this way by other family members as this, I'm sort of plague or I'm the outcast,

then it can intern. But what they got to do with her relationship with her father, No, I'm just saying that might be the reason why she feels a bit of the resentment that she feels towards her father, because she was in turn treated this way unfairly by adults, which we always know that's usually the case. The adults are the ones who have no sense of But she did say that it was other people. She didn't say

my father treated me differently. She should have still fostered the relationship with her biological dad and told those other adults to kick rocks, because that's what they really need to do, is just kick rocks. But I understand it. You know what I'm saying. If if not even as a child. The other adults say that, Say that's my sister, Say that's you know, somebody that I know. And and this guy cheated on my sister and had a whole baby.

I'm going to have some resentment towards him. I would never mistreat his child, though, because the daughter had nothing to do with it. But everyone's not that mature and stand what I'm saying. But this, but this is just

an opportunity for us to learn this. People, when someone is looking to have a relationship with you and you discard it because it doesn't come in the package you want, and you try to have a relationship with someone else because the package looks better, you get what you ask for.

That I can see that understore for sure, because the package, as you're saying, just to kind of further explain, So you're saying that her stepfather looked like the perfect package because he provided, because he married her mom, because he was doing all of the things and checking the boxes that needed for a child in the house. This is the package I was expecting from my family. So that guy who was here is the guy that I'm going

to try to force a relationship. You know what, I also wonder when she's had the conversations with her mom and stepdad, because she says she's tried to have these sit down conversations, what does he say, Like, what is his reply? Was his response knowing that it hurts you that you don't have a relationship with him and you express it, does he just completely ignore it? And it's for what reason? Well, she doesn't say you have any siblings, so I wonder if he never wanted children to begin with.

So it was just kind of like, well, here's a woman that I've fallen in love. If she already has a child, so she's not gonna want kids. I don't want kids. And sometimes people just don't have that relationship with kids where they just don't want to have children, and maybe that capacity to even want to write, or maybe he came from a broken home and maybe the adults in his life were terrible, so he's just like I don't mom, I'm not trying to get involved with it.

Like there's so many different layers to try to unpack. I just want her to realize that you have someone who is your actual biological father who wants to force a relationship, and that should be your and I don't you're focused. I don't disagree with you not wanting your stepfather to walk you down there. I agree with a bunch of just he could stay stuff. Yeah, he could sit quietly next to your mom as he's been for the past however many years. And this is how you

set boundaries with your mom. Mom, I'm not interested in having a relationship with that man. Leave it alone. I've had to do that with my mom. Yes, I've had to do that with my mom. Yes, my my biological grandfather on my mother's side does not have a relationship with us. He made choice in his life that he didn't want to be around uh me and my brother and my sister because he had issues with the family. Now I have grandkids, Now I have kids of his grandkids.

And for a long time, my mom used to be like, yo, why don't you call you your grandfather? Why don't you go because he doesn't try, he doesn't try, I'm not gonna try. Do I have any animosity towards him, No, I just don't have a relationship. But I'm not going to continue to playcate his behavior by trying to reach out. Because my mom is saying to reach out and then getting burnt in return. I reach out and I don't hear nothing back, or I reach out and then he

drops the ball, so I end up being disappointed. He's already disappointed you. I'm not gonna let him disappoint me, and I am sure you're gonna let him disappoint my kids. So I just the boundaries. I'm not doing it. I'm gonna don't know. You can't force me. Well said, take that sense exactly what he's said. That's just what it is. Yeah, Because like you said, you love your mom. Your mom has been there for you, and that has nothing to do with the relationship you and your mom have. So

good luck to you, sis, facts and nothing. Nothing. Your mom is fouled too. It's just my personal opinion. You marry someone and you know that that person is also has to be a part of your child life. Your child chose, not your child didn't choose to be here. I think it's always I think it's always important to choose someone that can embrace you fully, and being a

parent is fully embracing you. And if that person just continues to know that aspects of your life, I personally wouldn't choose that person to be in my life, because I've seen the effects of how that can affect the child. One of our close friends her her step mom never really respected her. Her step mom's family never really showed her any of true love, and I see how it affects her. She doesn't have a relationship that she wants to have with that woman, and she's fine with that.

And she you know, you uhould ask her dad like how come you didn't step in at times when things were happening, And her dad was just like I thought you would figure it out. It's not for a child to figure that out. That's also the next Dear Cadene and Devout. First off, love you guys to pieces and have been following since Instagram videos to start the start

off your YouTube page. I am a twenty six year old Jamaican American tourists from New York City and my man is a twenty seven year old Puerto Rican Jamaican American sagittarius. I clearly like playing with fire. I'm writing this letter because my friends don't like my man. We've been dating for almost two years and the first year was great, but in November he dropped the bomb. He told me the day before his birthday shower the day before. He told me the day before his baby shower that

he was having a baby with his EGX. I confided in my friends because I don't know why you would ever do that, because it was devastating, and they have become my biggest support system. After a month apart, I chose to continue the relationship, and that's always happened. You choose to continue, but your friends don't want to. I have worked through the feelings of betrayal and deceit, but my friends cannot get over it. They hold it against him, to the point where one of my friends was told

has told me not to bring him around. Even my friends that haven't met him don't want me to be with him. He has been doing the work to be more open on us, and he has reassured me of the co parenting relationship he has with his ex, so I don't have any issues with that anymore. Although I have moved on, my friends cannot. He is aware of one of my friends not being his biggest fan, but I haven't told him how the rest of my friends feel about him. Most of my friends are in relationships.

We go out together frequently and now that I'm with him, I would like to invite him out with us or on our trips. I don't know what to do to change my friends perception of him. Please help signed stuck between a rock and a hard place. Ah, that's a sure fire way to man that all your friends talking about something, don't bring him around because it isn't that.

I can guarantee you. They have been through some ship that y'all don't know about that they won't ever tell y'all because y'all be the same way them holding that against that man for that long and and being the be all and end though he can't be around his wild corny son, Wild Corny, do y'all remember diary people graceists, no no, no number. Why did I get married? When they all sat at the table and people started airing

dirty laundry? It's always the people who got the most to say, who judge other people's relationship the most, who got the most dirty laundry? Who are you to judge somebody else's relationship? To see that exactly? That's wild corny. Your friends are gonna have to get over that ship. It's like for real. But this is also too, Why

you just do not divorce that information. You know how many times Devon and I have been, like I said, married, divorced, remarried, divorced within the same relationship, and nobody else wouldn't tell nobody, not one person for that reason. There was no reason

for them to know. And people love to pass judge and project their issues onto other people when they know that they're going through the same things within the devastation, within the Oh my god, I can't believe this is happening moment that you had with the finding out the baby, because that's a big doozy. That is a pretty big doozy. I'm not gonna even take take away from the fact that that was pretty catastrophic. It at the same time, you and him had to work that out. Facts like

y'all had to work that out. Nobody, nobody has the right to say unless now, if you if your boyfriend did something disrespectful to your friends and they don't want to be around him, I get that. I get that. But if y'all are working on your own relationship and y'all say y'all cool, they have no right to tell you he can't come around like that's the that's the wildest should I ever heard in my life, Like then, people don't have the right to do that to other people.

And even if they're not telling him that he can't come around, I can just envision it being a thing where he does come around and everyone's making it uncomfortable, everyone's making it awkward, everyone's whispering to the side that in itself too is enough for him to feel like, yo, I don't have to be around this, neither or want to be around it. Who would want to be around that?

And we've seen, we've seen what happens when people do that, When people point the finger at other people with their relationship being right, don't bring them and then years go by and what happens? Their relationship fail? And SA, wait a minute, weren't you the same person telling me that I shouldn't accept this? What are you the same person telling me I should watch out for this? What happened? Man?

I see all that to say this. Number one, like my wife said, when you're going through stuff with your significant other, do not be so fast to spread that information to your friends and family because it's not so easy for them to forget. That's number one. Number two, if you happen to be the friends and the family. Your job is to be an advocate for your friend or family members happiness, not be the judge on their lifestyle.

You you, no one has a right to sit up on a pulpit and say you shouldn't be living like that. That's why Cadine and I literally say we don't really like saying that we give relationship or advice or we we consider ourselves relationship goals because there's no one relationship that fits everybody. You have to look and find what

works for you. And if you're able to give grace and forgive and move on and build a happy life, who is someone else to tell you that they don't They don't respect with your buildings, So don't bring that person around. That's why Corny Wi Corny. However, on the reverse side of things to nobody wants to see their friend be a doormat. Nobody wants to see their friend be taking advantage of Nobody wants to see somebody who they love and genuinely care about in a place of hurt.

So I understand the shock that your friends might have had in that moment and all that. However, at some point, let's give a little grace, realize that this is the situation. You decided to stick around friends, she decided to stick around. What can you be other than a listening here, a shoulder to cry on all that good stuff. Because let's try to make question what do they think is going to happen about don't bring him around? So now either

two things are gonna happen. Either she's gonna bring him around you're gonna have attitude, or she's gonna stop coming around and spend time with him. So you're willing to not be friends with someone because of what they choose to do in their own relationship. That's crazy. It's crazy. On that note, I think you need another break, y'all, because you're about to about to take me out. I wish somebody would tell me not to come around because if Codein is around, all right, y'all, ain't gonna see

me there. Yeah, that's what happens next, then the divide really happens. We'll be right back, y'all. Let's take a break because let me come back. I gotta gather myself after that. M hm, alright, we're back. I think we got about two more in the tank for y'all, Yeah, we got time for two more for sure, Hey, Code and Devo. My fiance and I are both in the Navy and we have a five year old son together.

We've been together for eight years and during this time I've been deployed three times and he's currently on his second deployment. For the first three years of our son's life, we were stationed about four hours apart, so the work of parenting was on me. Our son is autistic and raising him has been a challenge, to say the least. Like I mentioned earlier, my fiance is deployed and I'm currently resenting him because I hate the role of being a single parent of a special needs child. I'm depressed

and suicidal. Wow, While he gets the freedom of not having to deal with these struggles when I When I deployed, our son was not at school, so he went to live with my sister, So my fiance has never had to experience the single parents struggles. Am I wrong for wishing that he knew what? He knew what this feels like. He knows how challenging our son is, and I know he's not gone by choice, but the resentment is still here,

and I feel like shit about it. I haven't. I have not expressed my feelings because I understand how stressful deployments are and I don't want him to feel bad about this because he's an amazing dad. Our wedding is next May back in my home island Antiga. Oh. I can't wait to get to Antiga. And I don't want to go into marriage with these feelings. Am I wrong

for feeling like this? Please help sis. Yes, people are not in their children's life for shitty ass reasons, like they just don't want to be like they just want to be a dead beat, because they just don't want to have the responsibility. He's deployed, she said, he has the freedom to be deployed. Like can you hear that? Like that's girl, girl, girl, girl, he has the freedom

to be deployed. That's crazy. I can understand if you weren't in the military and you were married to someone in the military and you felt like, okay, man, this is like what it is, but you both understand what it's like to be deployed. So when the tables turn and you are deployed and he is home, you're resentful at the fact that he's gotten help because he was with your sister. Is there a way for you to find help maybe to help alleviate some of that, But you can't be mad at him and blame him. It

sounds like it sounds like she has resentment. Because it's gonna sound crazy. Her son is autistic. He's a lot to deal with and she has to deal with it, and she's rejecting her anger on her husband who's not there deployed. She's upset because her son is autistic and she has to deal with that. So who can she be upset at? Close to it? That's what it sounds like to me. Now I'm not a therapist, but it sounds like there's some issues there that need to be

dealt with internally. But growing resentment towards your spouse while he's fighting for you guys and and his country is heartbreaking. By like she says she's depressing, I mean, maybe her depression comes from something else. I think she needs to go get therapy to find out where her depression comes from. When you try to figure out on your own why you depressed, you start to look at things in your life and then you try to say, well, that's that tip, it's my son and it's my husband that this is

where I'm depressed. Where it could be an imbalance somewhere, you know, or it could be something that deep rooted happened in to you early on that you can't understand. And I have nothing but most respect for those who serve our country, So first and foremost is thank you for that, um. But I also wouldn't know the detriment of what you guys endure and how that affects you.

And there may be something else underlying, like you said, and it's now manifesting itself in the form of being frustrated with your son, UM, and being frustrated with your husband. So I think it's a little unfair for you to say that, you know, he's You're out here living this single parent life while he's just deployed. UM. I don't think that's that's easy, that's that's unfair, and that's fair.

But the resentment does need to be dealt with, because, like you said, if you're going to be entering into a marriage, you definitely don't want to enter into it with these feelings either, you know, And like I said, people are not in their children's life for far far shittier excuses. You know, so um then actually fighting for his country Like that's yeah, that's crazy. And you know, it sounds to me like her depression is coming from something else. She needs to figure out what it is.

I'm pretty sure if she sat down and thought about it, she wouldn't be upset at her son and her husband. There's something else there that we don't know, you know, like this is not enough context for us to understand, but there is something deeper than that. She really needs to deal with because I can't even imagine a soldier saying that someone else had the freedom to deploy. She knows what it's like to be deploying away from your family,

so she knows that that that's not freedom. So there must be something going on there and she's trying to express how to deal with it. Yeah, I mean, she needs to talk to someone. And as mom's, as dads, as parents, we have our moments of frustration, trust me, Like when the vos not here and he's on set filming and I'm here with the four boys. I do have my moments when I'm like, bro, you're on break

right now because you're you're filming. You know, you're away living your dream and doing your job that you wanted to do and this is the career you chose while I'm at home with the kids trying to juggle but at the same time too to understand you know what I'm saying. I mean, I don't know. It's just a thing where it's always like a thing where whose life

sucks more in the moment. But that mom thing though, because dad's don't say stuff like my wife gets she has the freedom to go to work and I'm here, like why. I think it depends on the person, because it could be the same. The same can be said for a dad who's at home just overwhelmed with watching their kids and then the wife is on a business

trip or something. I don't think we talked about even Michelle Obama when she said, you know, being the wife of the president, you know, you feel like you have you feel like you're a single mom, and it's like, well, he's out here running the entire country and you know what I'm saying, and you're you know what I'm saying, It's like, wow, even in him sitting at the highest seat in the land, he gets a not knock from

his wife for not being a present father. You know, what I'm saying, and that's not what she was saying. But it's almost like, how, how is that like your thought process? Because I don't wander. That's never my thought process when when you're away, I'm never thinking Okay, then gets a chance to go, We're on to events and hold stuff while I'm here with the boys, because it does flip. I don't understand how that becomes your thought process when I'm away, But that's never my thought process.

You know what I'm saying. I'm just talking about when things get stressful. Trust me, I'm not speaking from a place of damn. I hate when Devot is filming because I'm trying to explain what I said too. But at the same time too, it's like when you're in a moment of maybe frustration, or there's a bunch of things

happening at one time in whatever environment you're in. So I could be at work and there's a bunch of things that are demanding and deadlines and everything, and by myself dealing with it, it's easy to just deflect or take it out on the person who is near to you or the person who's closest to you, and that's your spouse, so regardless of what it is, whether it's with the kids or whether it's work, I think that sometimes when the pressure is mounting and it's about to

bubble over and you kind of feel like, oh my god, the walls are closing in around me, you just naturally feel like the person a k a. Your spouse who's in another environment. It's just chilling. Right. So what I'm saying is I understand all that. What I'm saying is is that where do you think that comes from? Because even you know, people make jokes about if you want to see your wife get upset, just go take a nap, and it's like your wife can't see you enjoying yourself.

Because if your wife sees you enjoying yourself, she just instantly gets mad. Where do you think that that comes from? I don't know. You gotta speak to the people about that, because I actually enjoy you getting sleep. I enjoy getting you you're getting rist So I'm not sure where that comes from. Maybe I can You've never heard that. You've never heard that before. I've never heard the whole a wife and the nap thing. No, I've never heard that before.

That's not cat. I've never heard that state before. She's captain. Right now, she's you've never You've never heard, I've never heard. You never heard the saying of that a woman will never be happy if they see you having a good time. You've never heard that. We watched Kevin Hart do the whole thing about how when he goes away with his guys and his wife calls, he gotta ask that because he can't see she can't see. But you don't recall that. No,

I don't. I'm being completely honest. I don't recall that. But let's go to the next. Let's go to the next. Listening to all ryall, I guess I'm captain. I'll go to the next. We'll go to the next time. We'll leave that alone. Cap um. Hey, guys, you your most recent episodes about dad's parenting make me think about the trust issues I have with my mother in law and sisters in law. Quick background, my husband and I are an interracial couple. I'm white and he's black. He grew

up completely different. I was sheltered and he was able to do pretty much anything he wanted. We have three beautiful girls, and he actually parents more like I do. Where he we shelter our kids. His family is a little more rough around the edges. They talk to their kids crazy, allow their kids to listen to explicit music, watch all kinds of music videos, have the nine and ten year olds take the tilers down the street to

the gas stations, smoke around them, et cetera. We have never allowed them to watch our kids because we don't trust them. Never actually told them that, but we distance ourselves. We even moved forty minutes away so that we were just too far from them to drive to the house. Well, yeah, y'all not playing. My husband has tried to ask them to filter these things around our kids, but they brush them off and do what they want. Anyways, We see them on holidays and birthdays for a few hours each time,

which is good enough for us. We are doing Are we doing harm to our kids by not allowing them to be around this family? Are we sheltering them too much? Or are we within reason? I guess they keep their kids alive, but I'm so worried about our kids. It's being exposed to too much, she said. I guess they keep their kids alive. Child the shade, but I get it. Hey as a parent, nothing that anybody tells you is too much or too little for what you want for

your children. Because what nobody could do is come in here and tell me what to do with my children and how to raise them or what they can and cannot be exposed to. Period. The question is that your husband have an issue with it, is what I'm wondering, and he doesn't, okay, So I say that to say, let them do what they think is great for their children.

Y'all move accordingly and do what's great for yours. If you feel like holidays are the times and birthdays and events are the only time that you want to interact with them, maybe until your children are a little bit older and they're more exposed to certain things. You've gotta enough to deal with with kids in school, for example, Like I'm worried about what my kids are going to be exposed to being around twenty something other kids on a day to day basis. There's but so much sheltering

that you can do. Considering the world that we live in now. As a parent, you are well within your right to decide what you want your kids to be exposed to and what timeline you choose to raise exposure or not. Absolutely, I agree with my wife. No one can tell you how to raise your kids, but there

are consequences for sheltering your children too much. For example, as well, Codeine was a R A R D a D. And she used to say all the time, it's always the sheltered kids that get to college, and those are the kids I end up in the hospital with because of alcohol poisoning because they didn't know how to act, and the minute they got some freedom they went ham And you've got three girls sisters, then be the ones.

And I'm just gonna be honest, it's it is the sheltered kids that I've noticed through ten years of mentorship who struggle when it's time to make adjustments later on in life. So typically the fork in the road is middle school. And I've noticed from just dealing with well, I've done with boys and girls, because we've had the

track the prototype track team, which was all girls. But I've noticed that once they hit middle school and they start to get influences from outside people, the sheltered people find a way to hide what they truly want to do from their parents, and the parents often feel like, oh, well, my son or my daughter is not exposed to that so I don't have to worry about those conversations, and before you know what, those children are participating in things

that you would never believe. The parents have no idea that they're doing. And then by the time you get to high school, it's a rap. No seriously, that's no cap, not no cap at all, not like the cap he was doing on the last question. But I really believe in it's not just a young girl thing. It's the same thing for guys. You know how many parents because I have to do I used to do report card checks,

Facebook checks, Instagram checks. I used to go up to schools, so the snapchat checks wild and going up to school and meeting parents, meeting students and I mean meeting teachers and teachers saying, oh, so you're so and So's mentor, and I'm just like yeah, and they're like, oh, well, let me tell you what's going on with so and so, And then I find out and then when you hear the parents and my son would never and then I'm like, well, according to his snapchat that you don't check, this is

him literally doing all the things that you said he doesn't do. And you're like, I didn't even know you had a snapchat. Yeah, yeah, exactly. What's an Also a detriment I noticed with children who are sheltered too much

is that they have hard times making decisions. They have a hard time making for themselves, and they're expecting mom and dad to always be one to be there to tell them what to do in all circumstances, or mom and dad are going to have to come and talk to this professor because I don't know what to say in this moment, and then they leave their children unable to freethink, to problem solve, to decipher, you know, what they should do in a particular scenario. That is a

detriment in being too sheltered as well. I'm gonna leave that at that, because I feel like we can do a whole podcast and we should on when too much exposure, When exposure is too much exposure, because there's also the converse that if you do expose kids too much and

they become too mature, they tried things too early. The truth of the matter is you have to have a maturity and how you expose things to your children, and we should talk about that more in depth, But for the sake of this listener letter, MS, you have young children. There is no one else in the world that can tell you how to parent your children because you spend the most time with them. Just make sure that you are doing yourself a service and your chosen a service

by educating yourself on one of the best practices to help. Uh. I don't want to say matriculate them into society, but have them assimilate into society without being overwhelmed when they can do it without you with the over simulation. You know what I'm saying. So make sure that you find ways to introduce them to things that you think may be hard for harmful to them and an age appropriateness of course, yeah, because what we don't want is for

that shelter to implode. But but if and if her husband don't want his kids around his family, that's a decision he makes. There may be something he knows, knows. He probably like, this is what we're gonna do. We're gonna move forward to minutes away because my parents and my family ain't ships. Right. If he's in agreement with all of that, and that's the decision y'all made, don't feel bad about it. It would be different though, if he was just like my wife maybe move out here,

and I'm trying to get the kids to y'all. That's a whole difference. All right, that's a whole another topic for another day. All right, y'all, these are great. Please continue to keep writing in. And I know that we probably can't get to every single listener letter, but I do enjoy having this letter episodes because sometimes two is just not enough at the end of a podcast when we're speaking about some whole another topics. So keep them coming.

We enjoy seeing them. I know Triple LOVESI thing through them to pull some topics for us to talk about. And if you want to be featured as a listener letter, be sure to email us at dead as Advice at gmail dot com. That's D E A D A S S A D V I C E at gmail dot com. All right, Moment of truth time. Do we have any moment of truths based off of I guess it could be any of the listening letters that we've had, or

any thing in general. My moment of truth is about seeking advice, right, if you're really looking to seek advice about how to be the best partner to your partner, seek within. You know, we appreciate you asking us for advice, take our perspective with a grain of salt, because we are never to be all the ends all um, these these situations, the same exact letter with a little different twist might have a different outcome from us. So don't take it as you have to listen to everything we

say and do it this way in order to be successful. No, seek seek your truths for what you want out of your relationships within never without. Yeah, And also just be careful and be mindful of who you're speaking to and who you're venting to, and who you're getting advice from, because, for example, DEVO and I are only given these perspectives based off of what you tell us and based off of our life experiences and the things that we've been

exposed to as well throughout our entire lives. So again, take it with the grain of salt, and just be mindful of who you're divulging to, who you're seeking advice from, because sometimes it just may not be in your best interest.

Facts all right, be sure to follow us on social media all if you have not been doing so already dead as the podcast on Instagram, which I love, the pages continuing to grow and we're trying to pass on there and keep that going for you guys, So thank you for engaging there, and then you can find me on Cadine I Am and I Am Devout and if you're listening on Apple Podcasts, be sure to rate, review

and subscribe. Dead As Dead Ass is a production of I Heart Media podcast Network and is produced by Dinorapinia and Triple Follow the podcast on social media at dead as the Podcasts and never miss a Thing, I Sailest me I